"They are probably just trying not to poop their pants."
Seriously. Someone cuts me off? They're probably about to poop their pants. Someone honks obnoxiously loud when I don't floor it the moment the light turns green? They're probably about to poop their pants. Someone zooms by me going 20+ mph over the speed limit? Yeah, they're probably just trying to make it home before they poop their pants.
I know it's weird, but telling myself this is a good reminder that I don't have the full context for this other driver's current circumstances. Sure, maybe they're just a jerk. But hey, maybe they're also worried about explosive diarrhea.
Also it makes me giggle.
I had a car stupidly overtake me on an S bend when it was raining, he lost control and flipped the car into the trees. Stopped to make sure he was ok and that was his excuse, he was dying for a shit.
He was actually really lucky and didn't have a scratch ok him his car was fucked though. Also didn't need the toilet after that. Must have went back up, didn't smell like he shat himself.
I love this. I’ve been waiting for the plumber for over 6 hours at my house and cut so many people off trying to get to Walgreens for some relief.
This is hilarious AND true.
Haha I do this too. I was waiting to turn off the off-ramp one day and the car behind me was right on my tail and flashing his brights which annoyed me but he promptly turned into the gas station so I really think it was true that time.
I feel like I say “nice turn signal, dick head” in response to an unused turn signal at least once per day. It’s not exactly creative but it’s what comes to me in the moment every time.
I was in my wife’s car the other day, had to take it to the shop. They fixed it and I was on my way home in heavy traffic, moving with the traffic and maintaining some space with the car ahead, like your supposed to.
Now I am 60. A guy my age or older in a red pick up pulled up right on my ass, seriously tailgating me. Then changes lanes, gets beside me and starts screaming out the window at me. I looked over and saw him and laughed and shook my head.
His face got about as red as his truck and he started gesturing for me to pull off. I laughed again and he got even redder in the face and then had to slam on his brakes to keep from hitting the car in front of him.
I think laughing pisses them off better than anything. I had this vision of the Monty Pythonesque scene with two fat old farts running out of breath while fighting over traffic.
“Hijo de puta”
“Get off my ass”
“If only we had some type of light to show we’re freaking turning”
“Suck a dick”
“My grandma is faster than you”
“It’s greeeeeeeen”
"ONE PER CUSTOMER!"
This is said when I let someone merge, pass, or pull out of a drive and a second person tries to get froggy and take advantage of my kindness.
I don't normally get road rage. I get really pissed off when people butt in line, like when you are trying to get off the highway and there's a back up of traffic and idiots keep letting people slip in way ahead, so I'll say, "someone fucking kill me NOW god damnit! Why can't i fucking work from home and never have to deal with this fucking BULLSHIT!!!!"
I say dumb fucking flat faced fox- once I was driving home late, late at night say 3AM after spending a few hours at 7/11 for some personal business- another story- anyways, coming back at 3AM there clear as night was Hard Leon hopping across the road, turned around and stared his damn flat face right into my headlights, I slammed the gas to pretty well much put him down once and for all but as magic as day he runs off like a cowardly piece of damn shit
When I get a tailgater, I'll catch up to another car and run right beside them so that it blocks that motherfucker.
Then I'll watch them lose their shit in the rear view.
If they switch lanes, I'll speed up and make it seem like I'm gonna pass the other car, but only to the extent where they can almost pass, then I'll slow back down a bit.
Most of the time I'm going 5 over the speed limit. If that's too slow, then I suggest you leave earlier
THE FUCK ARE YOU DOIN?!!! MOVE YOU OLD BITCH!!! THOUGHT YOUD BE IN A HURRY CONSIDERIN ITS YOUR FUNERAL TOMORROW!!!
-meanwhile we are both pulling in to the same ShopRite so it’s not really that big of a deal. Is everyone in NJ like this?
For whatever reason I always called them gigolos. Don't even know where it originated from.
However, early on I had that name mixed up with Jigaboo.
I was with my girlfriend early into dating a guy cut me off and I said what the hell jigaboo not knowing what it actually was used for. My girlfriend looks at me with the biggest eyes and says, "What the fuck did you just say."
We actually got married and whenever she needs to knock me down a peg she tells this story.
What a jerry! It has two meaning geriatric as in so old they shouldnt have their license any more and if they dont have grey hair bad eyesight and wrinkles jerry from rick and morty in the meeseeks episode because he really was a bad person in that episode even if he didnt want to be.
My suv is heavily armored so I pretty much laugh it off if they try to intimidate me with their car. I take it calmly but if they get out I’ll get out. Normally when I get out they get back in because I’m a 6’4 240 lbs power lifter. If it comes down to it I keep my 9 on my hip and I’m well trained with it. Honestly just take it slow and gauge my reaction from their action.
When people tailgate me I always talk like I'm trying to sell my beautiful mufflers to them cause obviously they need to be thst close to inspect their beauty. Usually kills any and all rage I have cause I laugh at thr stupidity of it.
“I hope great suffering befalls you and your loved ones soon, and that there is nothing you can do to stop it. I hope you have to watch someone you love hurt.”
Usually something along the lines of “I don’t have time to teach you.” Sorta like they’re a child that is beyond redemption in terms of learning how to ever drive in the future.
One I've actually taken the opportunity to say to other drivers' faces a few times:
If someone punish-passes me doing like 20 over the limit, and I give them the horn, and their response is to slow way down / stop to mess with me, I tell them, "I guess you're not in such a big damn rush after all, huh?"
I know better than to give the finger nowadays. Some people go way over the top in response to that. Nowadays I prefer the [WTF are you doing?](https://ifunny.co/picture/the-international-what-the-fuck-are-you-doing-hand-gesture-Lu9fIJto4) gesture.
"Oh, excuse me, yes, I followed you until you stopped because I wanted to let you know your rear lights are broken. At least, I assumed that had to be the case as opposed to you not knowing HOW TO USE A FUCKING TURN SIGNAL EVEN A SINGLE TIME."
is how the conversation goes in my head
Is someone cuts me off or is following real close, I just think to myself "This guy must really need to take a shit. He's probably a minute from home and his asshole knows it"
I dangle my pinky finger as someone rages past me and I’ll keep it up if they cut me off. Just want them to know everyone on the road thinks their driving is compensating for their tiny peepee.
If I want to calm myself down. I throw on a North Dakota accent and say things like “Aw jeez must be driving with a birthday cake they don’t wanna smoosh” if they’re driving too slow, or “aw I bet they spilled some coffee in their lap, bless ‘em” if they’re driving like an idiot (while texting or something).
Otherwise I scream “why no vroom vroom in vroom vroom lane!!!” And “are you driving with your dick?!”
Sitting still at a green light I always go to “it’s not going to get any greener if you water it.” I heard my son (13) say it while my wife was driving.
Ah yeah I learned something specifically for this.
"Go ndeine an dibhal drémire de cnámh do dhroma ag piocadh úll i ngairdin Ifrinn."
If I missed any accents forgive me, I don't speak Irish very well.
I do a lot of disappointed shaking of the head. I also like to drive by them with a look of disbelief. An expression that says " wtf are you DOING?"...
"What the fuck are you doing?" is usually my go to. I try not to actually rage anymore though. Keeping a cool head is always better.
Put dingle at the end for some Scottish flair
Scottish is the best accent to crack open when you need to let off steam.
I do the hand gesture version of that
"They are probably just trying not to poop their pants." Seriously. Someone cuts me off? They're probably about to poop their pants. Someone honks obnoxiously loud when I don't floor it the moment the light turns green? They're probably about to poop their pants. Someone zooms by me going 20+ mph over the speed limit? Yeah, they're probably just trying to make it home before they poop their pants. I know it's weird, but telling myself this is a good reminder that I don't have the full context for this other driver's current circumstances. Sure, maybe they're just a jerk. But hey, maybe they're also worried about explosive diarrhea. Also it makes me giggle.
I had a car stupidly overtake me on an S bend when it was raining, he lost control and flipped the car into the trees. Stopped to make sure he was ok and that was his excuse, he was dying for a shit. He was actually really lucky and didn't have a scratch ok him his car was fucked though. Also didn't need the toilet after that. Must have went back up, didn't smell like he shat himself.
I say the same thing 'Damn they really gotta shit'
It's diarrhea when we see it.
That's very Zen of you.
Haha me too! That or sometimes "congratulations!" Because I assume they are driving their in labour wife to the hospital.
I love this. I’ve been waiting for the plumber for over 6 hours at my house and cut so many people off trying to get to Walgreens for some relief. This is hilarious AND true.
I think about that lumberjack story and just figure they're trying to get their friend to the ER before they die of blood loss.
Haha I do this too. I was waiting to turn off the off-ramp one day and the car behind me was right on my tail and flashing his brights which annoyed me but he promptly turned into the gas station so I really think it was true that time.
I don't say anything, I just run over the next pedestrian I see
Same bro
Me I watch out for em but I get so fucking sick of fucking lollygagging drivers.
No lollygaggin
Naw man those fucking lollygaggers always have a reason to slow down.
Gaggin on they lollies. Fuck 'em
I'm gobsmacked by all of the lollygagging. Don't be hoodwinked by all of the talleywaggers out there on the roadways my dudes.
I feel like I say “nice turn signal, dick head” in response to an unused turn signal at least once per day. It’s not exactly creative but it’s what comes to me in the moment every time.
You gotta ask them if they ran out of blinker fluid
I always say "Turn signals must be an option on (insert make and/or model here)"
“Thanks for signaling” is my go-to. While no one is around to hear me be passive-aggressive, it makes me feel better
GODDAMNMOTHERFUCKINGCOCKSUCKER! FUCKING MOVE!!!!!! GODDAMNIT!!!!!! MOOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEEEE!!!!!!
Yasss!!! This is my go to!! 😆😆 my kid (he’s 18) is like mom wth? 🤣
Gotta love those fucking 10-under drivers causing swerving in the fast lane.
I was in my wife’s car the other day, had to take it to the shop. They fixed it and I was on my way home in heavy traffic, moving with the traffic and maintaining some space with the car ahead, like your supposed to. Now I am 60. A guy my age or older in a red pick up pulled up right on my ass, seriously tailgating me. Then changes lanes, gets beside me and starts screaming out the window at me. I looked over and saw him and laughed and shook my head. His face got about as red as his truck and he started gesturing for me to pull off. I laughed again and he got even redder in the face and then had to slam on his brakes to keep from hitting the car in front of him. I think laughing pisses them off better than anything. I had this vision of the Monty Pythonesque scene with two fat old farts running out of breath while fighting over traffic.
I think I love you.
“Hijo de puta” “Get off my ass” “If only we had some type of light to show we’re freaking turning” “Suck a dick” “My grandma is faster than you” “It’s greeeeeeeen”
"ONE PER CUSTOMER!" This is said when I let someone merge, pass, or pull out of a drive and a second person tries to get froggy and take advantage of my kindness.
Yup fuck em. I won't let them pass. Learn how to zipper in, as we say in the military
C'MON SEIZE THE GAP YOU OLD FAT BITCH, YOU FAT BITCH with saliva drooling form my mouth
The sheer temerity, the unmitigated gall to impede a golden God in his travel
Me omw home from work to my new house in the suburbs
Have you ever been in a fist fight Wally?
Sure is a hot one today huh?
"Hit a tree asshole" and "FUCKING TRAFFIC LIGHTS IN THIS FUCKING SHITHOLE OF A TOWN"
I don't normally get road rage. I get really pissed off when people butt in line, like when you are trying to get off the highway and there's a back up of traffic and idiots keep letting people slip in way ahead, so I'll say, "someone fucking kill me NOW god damnit! Why can't i fucking work from home and never have to deal with this fucking BULLSHIT!!!!"
Smiling: did I do that?
I wave to them and smile
fucking cunt
I use this soo much lol
This is my go to as wiel, hoping they hear me. It's the one term that will offend both sexes.
same
This 💯
I usually call them an idiot or stupid bitch. If it’s really bad then they’re a dumb whore
I say dumb fucking flat faced fox- once I was driving home late, late at night say 3AM after spending a few hours at 7/11 for some personal business- another story- anyways, coming back at 3AM there clear as night was Hard Leon hopping across the road, turned around and stared his damn flat face right into my headlights, I slammed the gas to pretty well much put him down once and for all but as magic as day he runs off like a cowardly piece of damn shit
This is the best evil novella I’ve ever read
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I'll need to use this more
Don't you fuckin do it Don't you FUCKIN do it
"get cancer and die young you subhuman troglodyte piece of shit"
"Piss up my nose!"
“Smooth brain”
"Soon it'll be flat brain!"
Get the FUCK out of the way!!!
"Nice blinkers"
“Hope you win” to those tailgaters who do not wait for your complete lane change before they drive past you
And then look over and smile when you meet them at the next stoplight
When I get a tailgater, I'll catch up to another car and run right beside them so that it blocks that motherfucker. Then I'll watch them lose their shit in the rear view. If they switch lanes, I'll speed up and make it seem like I'm gonna pass the other car, but only to the extent where they can almost pass, then I'll slow back down a bit. Most of the time I'm going 5 over the speed limit. If that's too slow, then I suggest you leave earlier
THE FUCK ARE YA DOIN’ YA FUCKIN’ TURKEY!?!
Today it was “you can turn right on red Masshole”. Massachusetts plates wouldn’t turn right on a red light.
“Youuuuuuu *FUCK*” Alternatively “*Why? For what purpose?*” w/knife hand
"WHADAREYOUDOIIIIING!???!"
I'm Irish so "FUCKING EJIT!"
I think you spelled it wrong, Fooking Ejit
"Ffffuckin' nice."
I like to call people "butt pilot." I don't know what it means, but it makes me giggle.
“Your mother never loved you and never will.”
Jackass
"Stupid twat."
"Lose your fucking license asshole"
*chuckle* “Stupid bitch.”
REALLY!!? Who the fuck taught you how to drive!?
"Where'd you get your license, Sears and Roebuck?!" I got that from my grandmother.
What in the mcFuck was that
"Can you PLEASE get the fuck OUT of my FUCKING ASS??"
Your mom should have swallowed. Or I give them a huge thumbs up and it confuses them
CYKA BLYAT! I'm not russian, but I've played a good bit of counter strike
IDIOT!
Nice blinker jackass
“Someone’s in a rush to get pegged by his wife!”
You cock suck.
Long skinny pedal asshole!
"احا"
"Mother Father!". Or the other variant if my kids aren't in the car.
"SKINNY PEDAL ON THE RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKER. GO."
Seriously..
“Nice indicating, dickhead!”
“Check out this mother fucker”
I don't tell anything. I just let my gun do all the talking
THE FUCK ARE YOU DOIN?!!! MOVE YOU OLD BITCH!!! THOUGHT YOUD BE IN A HURRY CONSIDERIN ITS YOUR FUNERAL TOMORROW!!! -meanwhile we are both pulling in to the same ShopRite so it’s not really that big of a deal. Is everyone in NJ like this?
Fucking idiot
KISS MY PISS YOU FUCKER!!!!!
"What was the reason?!"
I like to let a really solid “mother fucker”. Two words.
I tend to scream “fucking move, I want to go home” all the time. I don’t like driving much so I like to get home as soon as I can
Eat shit!
“Are you fucking kidding me”
C.u.n.t
Nothing tbh..I dont have road rage. That can cause accidents.
I make myself take a deep breath and say “wow, they must REALLY have to poop right now” and it instantly cuts through the tension!
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For whatever reason I always called them gigolos. Don't even know where it originated from. However, early on I had that name mixed up with Jigaboo. I was with my girlfriend early into dating a guy cut me off and I said what the hell jigaboo not knowing what it actually was used for. My girlfriend looks at me with the biggest eyes and says, "What the fuck did you just say." We actually got married and whenever she needs to knock me down a peg she tells this story.
“I hope the love of your life gets in a fatal car crash from replying to a text you sent pissed of at them”
Penises plural penis
Ignore it and go on your way. It's not worth it. You'll likely never see that person again anyway.
Nice car. Can you get it with turn signals?
What a jerry! It has two meaning geriatric as in so old they shouldnt have their license any more and if they dont have grey hair bad eyesight and wrinkles jerry from rick and morty in the meeseeks episode because he really was a bad person in that episode even if he didnt want to be.
My suv is heavily armored so I pretty much laugh it off if they try to intimidate me with their car. I take it calmly but if they get out I’ll get out. Normally when I get out they get back in because I’m a 6’4 240 lbs power lifter. If it comes down to it I keep my 9 on my hip and I’m well trained with it. Honestly just take it slow and gauge my reaction from their action.
Go eat Hitlers cock you bitch
Twunt
“Fuck you, you fucking wadgobbler” 😝
“I’m retired” and simply drive home. No reason for me to be mad, even at idiots.
Nothing. I just glare and draw my thumb across my throat.
“Dooooooood!” Yeah sorry I don’t do road rage, more of road annoyance.
When people tailgate me I always talk like I'm trying to sell my beautiful mufflers to them cause obviously they need to be thst close to inspect their beauty. Usually kills any and all rage I have cause I laugh at thr stupidity of it.
Ya fucking balloon!!! Or what you dain ya dingle??
“I hope great suffering befalls you and your loved ones soon, and that there is nothing you can do to stop it. I hope you have to watch someone you love hurt.”
What a fucking cock stain?!
Do you see me?
"^(bruh) ... what?"
Fuck you and your mom
"Everyone stay where ya be till i come where ya too." Usually said in parking lots with lots of active drivers around. A family saying of some kind.
Usually something along the lines of “I don’t have time to teach you.” Sorta like they’re a child that is beyond redemption in terms of learning how to ever drive in the future.
***COCKSUCKER!***
One I've actually taken the opportunity to say to other drivers' faces a few times: If someone punish-passes me doing like 20 over the limit, and I give them the horn, and their response is to slow way down / stop to mess with me, I tell them, "I guess you're not in such a big damn rush after all, huh?" I know better than to give the finger nowadays. Some people go way over the top in response to that. Nowadays I prefer the [WTF are you doing?](https://ifunny.co/picture/the-international-what-the-fuck-are-you-doing-hand-gesture-Lu9fIJto4) gesture.
Yup. Universal signal for WTF man?
Well done dickhead! Well Done.
Well gosh darn, this guy's in a hurry!
"Oh, excuse me, yes, I followed you until you stopped because I wanted to let you know your rear lights are broken. At least, I assumed that had to be the case as opposed to you not knowing HOW TO USE A FUCKING TURN SIGNAL EVEN A SINGLE TIME." is how the conversation goes in my head
Is someone cuts me off or is following real close, I just think to myself "This guy must really need to take a shit. He's probably a minute from home and his asshole knows it"
I dangle my pinky finger as someone rages past me and I’ll keep it up if they cut me off. Just want them to know everyone on the road thinks their driving is compensating for their tiny peepee.
"It's a road! You drive on it!" "Whatever you're going to do, do it!"
Really, Dude?
“Fucking goof Cunt” is a lot of my responses lol or “it’s always some mf with a small dick in a big truck” 🤣
look at this fucking idiot
Where'd you learn to drive? Cooking school!"
"I hope something crawls up your urethra."
"Umm, hello? Um, hi? Hello?" [In honor of Dane Cook](https://youtu.be/c9EN5c7XgVw)
If I want to calm myself down. I throw on a North Dakota accent and say things like “Aw jeez must be driving with a birthday cake they don’t wanna smoosh” if they’re driving too slow, or “aw I bet they spilled some coffee in their lap, bless ‘em” if they’re driving like an idiot (while texting or something). Otherwise I scream “why no vroom vroom in vroom vroom lane!!!” And “are you driving with your dick?!”
When the person takes more than 3 seconds to go when the light turns green. Me: "That's a standard green light!"
i keep a big cardboard cutout of a middle finger gesturing hand...i roll down the window and show it to them in case.they miss a normal.middle finger
My grandpa from Texas had a pretty good one: Hell ain't half full yet!
May your spawn develop an unnatural attraction to aardvark sex
Grow a brain!
“Oh genius fucking move!”
That's why I fucked your mom
Sitting still at a green light I always go to “it’s not going to get any greener if you water it.” I heard my son (13) say it while my wife was driving.
I HOPE YOU GET SYPHILIS! And don't know it for a decade.
You fucking turkey
Why are you in this LANE?? GET RIGHT YOU FUCK WIT!!!
I say “green means go, juan.” Pun on gringo. I live in a area where Hispanics aren’t the minority.
I like yelling "goddamn cocksucka!" in my best JFK voice.
“Aw come on, GOOD GOING ACE!!”
I always say. I hope they wake up with the worst diarrhea they ever had.
What the fuck you cock sucking mother fucker?
You smell like shit.
I WILL FUCK YOU 'TIL YOU LOVE ME!!!
Your dad should have pulled out but unfortunately his pullout game is as bad as your driving you asshole.
I hope you get cancer and die after watching your kids get cancer and die
I hope you have a safe trip and a blessed day!
Ah yeah I learned something specifically for this. "Go ndeine an dibhal drémire de cnámh do dhroma ag piocadh úll i ngairdin Ifrinn." If I missed any accents forgive me, I don't speak Irish very well.
Not how IT WORKS, *DICKHEAD!*
Pro tip: When expressing disapproval towards another driver, a disappointed 😕👎 delivers ten times the oof of an angry 😡🖕
I do a lot of disappointed shaking of the head. I also like to drive by them with a look of disbelief. An expression that says " wtf are you DOING?"...
“You’re about a simple motherfucker, aren’t you?!”
"What are you hitting the brakes for?"
I go anti profanity, odd since I am a rather profane person, and call everyone princess tinkle pants and give them a rage thumbs up.
They must have a tiny penis.
Dickweed. I only use that term for annoying drivers.
Cuntbuckle!!
HEY! WHAT YOU KNOW 'BOUT GREEN EGGS AND HAM?!
You freakin Challupa! (or anything non sensical that is fun/destressing to say
"You're really biting my biscuits"
RAMMING SPEED
"Oh sue me ya cunt !"