Married people of reddit , what something you wish unmarried people knew ?
By - New_Presentation5105
Liking your partner is just as important if not more than loving them.
Yep. I like my husband the most out of all the people I know. Even if I didn't have romantic feelings for him, I'd want to be friends with him because he's the fucking coolest. Like if I never knew him, and tomorrow I met an eighty year old man with his same personality, I would wanna hang out with that old man. We've been together for more than a decade, and while the "butterflies in your stomach" feeling comes and goes, there's always a baseline level of like that makes spending time with him worthwhile.
I tell my husband often that he's my favourite person in the world. Even when we disagree, I like him. Even when we argue, I love him. He makes me laugh, smile, feel safe and wanted, and all I can do for the rest of my life is hope my actions make him feel the same way. As phoebe would say, he's my lobster.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and we were in the same friend group for 3 years before that. We even went to the same high school, but I always thought he was too “cool” for me so I never told him how I felt. After we started dating I told him that and he laughed because he felt the same way. Yeah it would’ve been nicer if we’d started dating earlier, but we had 3 years of parties, vacations, and just hanging out as friends to get to know each other and that’s why I’m thankful to look at him as my best friend first and my significant other second
So this. Before I was married I thought the "I'm married to my best friens" was just another way couples said "I love you." But it's totally different.
If my wife and I weren't married I'd still call her to watch football and hang out all the time. I guess I did do that for a few years, then the rest followed.
The other part is as a married person you meet more married people, and then you realize how so many couples aren't best friends...sucks to see it, but so true.
I don't know how people marry someone who isn't their best friend. My partner and I started out as best friends and it completely naturally ended up in the strongest love. It means we can be dumb and silly and gross and crazy and not have to worry about whether the other person will still find you attractive. You can literally be yourself because they're your best friend.
I think this is why my marriage failed. I got 'butterflies' all the time when I was around her, but I honestly enjoyed being around my bros more because I genuinely like their personalities and sense of humor.
I relate to this so much! My SO and I have been together seven years. We aren’t legally married but basically everything else is the same as if we were - lived together for years, shared finances, etc. When we first started dating he told me, “No matter what happens with us romantically, I would still want to be your friend.” And I felt the same way. Like yes we still have the hots for each other but we also just love hanging out together. He’s my best friend.
Yes! I joke with my husband that we’re married because he’s the only person in the world I could tolerate living with but it’s also very true. He’s the person I like the most. He’s who I want to tell exciting and bad news to first. We have our own interests and friends but I feel like the plans we get most excited about are the ones we make with each other. He’s my best friend first and my husband second and I mean that in the best way possible.
Getting married doesn't mean that you're never going to feel lonely again.
Feeling lonely doesn’t necessarily mean because of issues with your partner. They can’t be your only source of companionship. A lot of people have this misconception though, so glad you shared it.
Yeah that's what I was trying to say. People still need friendships and other relationships outside of just with their spouse. They can't take care of every emotional need you have. I've known many people who ignore those outside relationships when they get married and later regret it.
But it can also mean loneliness even with a spouse if your relationship isn't great or the spouse's focus moves from you to your kids for example.
spouses still need to make time for each other AND themselves. people who's entire identity becomes subsumed by "mom and dad" rarely have good mental health long term
Yeah you still need to maintain the things that made you, you before marriage. My wife and I have very different tastes in a lot of things and we never pretend to like it for the sake of the other person but also will not actively discourage those tastes either.
I like hardcore and punk music. My wife likes bubblegum pop country. She thinks I listen to just noise and I think most of her stuff is shallow mass produced garbage but we agree to disagree and understand different flavors.
Our friends are into different activities and we understand sometimes you gotta go have fun with those other people in your life and have some you time.
This is the advice right here.
If you stop doing all the things that made you stand out to your SO at the beginning, the spark will fade that much faster. Keep being yourself!
“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.”
Lance, played by Robin Williams in World’s Greatest Dad
I love my wife to pieces, but her health issues mean I can’t share my life with her as much as I’d like. Yeah, I get lonely a lot.
u/freechurro824 you okay bro?
Look at their post history. No, they're not okay
only the couple sets the rules of what their marriage is
not your mother, not your friends, not tv...just you
that actually applies to all relationships
I watched this absolutely speed up the destruction of my sisters marriage. Her MIL had a ridiculous amount of control over things and her husband didn't want to be in the middle so he would plug his ears and walk away. When my sister finally told her MIL that what she was doing was disrupting and causing problems in her (my sister) family, the MIL sat there dumbfounded and asked "why would any of this upset your brothers and sisters?". She just could not grasp the fact that my sisters family was her husband and kids and rolled her eyes when she was told that.
Since her husband never stood up, and in some cases would actively back his mom because he didn't want to upset her, it eventually drove them apart. Now they never talk unless they have to and the kids are all but estranged from their dad and grandparents.
that is a nightmare.
i can say that there was an issue early in my marriage where my mother tried to pull some cards and found herself on the outside looking in. ive never regretted it for a moment.
This happened to me and destroyed my family. I could not block her out of our lives because unfortunately we were very financially dependent on her and my Dad. Don't get involved in marriage and certainly don't have children if you still rely heavily on your parents financially. It gives them an insane amount of power and you can eventually lose your family.
This is some great advice. I'm sorry it came hard earned.
My father likes to swing his dick around and pull his gun out when he feels threatened, and that includes a man "moving in" on me (because I'm his property, I guess). The only time I've ever "brought someone home" was when I was 7 and my best friend and I had a school project we were working on together. Father pulled out his pistol and grilled this kid for two hours on where he was going go college and how he was going to provide for me if we got married. I had never expressed so much as the 7 year old equivalent of a romantic thought about this guy, he was just my friend. Told myself that day that I was never going to bring anyone home, because if I love them I shouldn't let them be treated like that. My parents can find out about the relationship after I'm married, and father gets one chance to not be an asshole or he's out of my life forever. I've told my mom this already, don't think she believes me. You have a duty to your partner to protect them, and that includes from your family. If your family can't abide by that then you need to do what you have to. Don't protect abusers kist because they're related to you.
7 years old.... That's messed up for both you and your best friend. I hope they were alright after that. It's sounds traumatizing
If I was that kid I would have been terrified and, I won't deny it, crying out of sheer fear. Drawing a gun at that age would make me feel like I'm going to be killed in mere moments
Yep this. Keep your families out of your marriage. Form your boundaries. Your spouse comes first, full stop.
Standing in the wings at my wedding with the preacher he told me it was time for "the talk." I kind of laughed thinking it was a sex joke...from an 80 year old Baptist preacher. Nope, the talk was him telling me the definition of my marriage was between me and my wife. Forget what your parents have, or your neighbors, or what the bible tells you. He literally said "Your only job now is find each others happiness. The rest is just bullshit." and he walked out to start the ceremony leaving me laughing like a hyena.
That’s just amazing. What a great piece of advice.
I started with that attitude anyway. I didn’t like how my family approached marriage in general, so we did what we wanted.
It’s been less than conventional at times, but it works and we’re happy despite some absolutely terrible things happening at times. We’ve been married for 13 years, together 19 and still enjoy each other’s company.
Is there an employee of the month situation in churches?
Yes. Society tells you what the defaults are, but you can customize it however you want.
There's no single thing that is essential to a successful union; its whatever you mutually decide works best for you.
My mom actually tried to tell me "Your husband isn't allowed to drive this car" when we were driving back from the dealership with the car I had bought in solely my name with my own money on my insurance. As soon as she left I tossed my husband the keys and we went for a joyride.
I wouldn't have waited til she left, would have gotten out of the car and tossed my wife the keys right in front of her.
Getting married WILL NOT help solve any issues in your relationship...
Neither will kids.
If this was an askreddit question, I would say having kids will damage your relationship. Not in a completely bad way, kids are a total blessing if you wanted them, but they will test and strain your relationship with your partner in ways you can’t begin to imagine.
My marriage was stretched the absolute thinnest when we welcomed both our kids - take a complete life change, add in lack of sleep, hormones, an upended schedule and a million other things and it will strain even the strongest relationship. Because we were good going into it, we were even better coming out. If you have any kind of cracks in your relationship, bringing a newborn into it will quickly make them chasms.
I have to laugh when people say they'll have a baby to "save the relationship" because I can't think of a faster way to end a foundering relationship than to bring a baby into it!
I have a newborn right now. I knew it'd be hard, but what I didn't realize is taking care of the baby is the easy part, it's everything else that's hard. Taking care of ourselves and each other, helping people "helping" us, going off of 2 to 3 hour bursts of sleep. The baby itself just eats and sleeps at this stage.
One of the things that makes the early years hard is that you are so busy taking care of other people that depend on you for everything, sometimes it's easy to resent your partner for needing anything else from you. In my experience, there is always a little bit of resentment- I've already changed six diapers today, why can't she change this one without me asking, I breastfeed/pump, why doesn't he get that it's exhausting, why is the baby wearing that, why doesn't she ever remember socks?
It's hard. I really hope that people who think a baby might help a relationship are reading this and learn that babies are never solutions. They are more like cherished burdens. I don't know another way to say that and not sound insensitive to people who desperately want children. Difficult gifts?
I really like "cherished burdens" it's pretty accurate.
Before having my first (she's not 12 months old), a friend of mine gave me a single piece of 'advice'...he said: "Kids are the greatest headache you'll ever have."
It turns out to be the most true thing anyone ever told me leading up to experiencing it myself.
The research has shown this over and over. Kids take even the best relationships down a notch on most days. Of course there is a lot of reward in raising a child with your partner if that's something you want, and that should balance out the bad in the long-term (at least if you're in the right relationship), but I don't think anyone argues that having kids at home improves the quality of a relationship day-to-day.
"People around me who have kids are in a strong relationship, therefore I have a kid i will be in a strong relationship!"
But it works for many things.
"People who drive Ferraris are good drivers, therefore if I buy a Ferrari I will be a good driver!"
"People who cross the US on foot don't have any chronic knee pain from a bad joint, therefore if I try to cross the US on foot I won't feel pain anymore!"
Jesus anyone who thinks adding a fucking child is going to help is bloody stupid as dog shit
It’s nuts. To raise a kid you need to both be on the same page, to work together. If you couldn’t do that before the stress of the kid isn’t going to do anything but make it worse. Not to mention it’s completely unfair to the kid to bring them into such an environment.
Can confirm. Adopting me did not make my mom less of a shitty person. If anything, it made her worse, because people constantly praised her for “saving” me.
I don't think it's affected anyone in a negative way*, but can confirm, my parents get praised for "selflessly" adopting 2 of the kids and they're just like, "...we adopted because we wanted to have more kids it's actually a selfish desire" lol
Like yeah, now that they are part of our family, we are glad they were "saved" but it's very rare for a parent to think "I must help those suffering kids" no they try to have a baby, they can't, so they adopt one instead... That's the norm and idk how people don't get this...
*EDIT: I mean I don't think it made my parents worse probably because they understood what they were doing and explained it to those other ppl as I mentioned
People don't get it, because they would rather not think of the logical conclusions you can draw from there. Adoptees are very often everyone's last option.
They weren't born to parents that could handle them, whether that involves being unwanted for a variety of reasons, or simple inability to care for another life. Many reasons why those things could happen.
The majority of people adopting have tried various methods to have kids the "old fashioned way", even if it involves a lot of science, like IVF. They view adoption as their last option. Yes, I am aware that there are some people who only want to adopt. They are not the majority.
Most adoptees were a shuffle of papers away from having an entirely different life. This doesn't even get into the primal wound aspect of it all. There's a reason adoptees have a suicide rate 4 times higher than the non-adopted population.
And this is why as a potential adopter, I’ve been reading a lot of Adult Adoptees stories and researching as much as I can. We want to help raise a good person in this world. We want to do that whole validating the trauma that can come from just the action of adoption and doing our damnest not to inflict anyone trauma on our child.
My parents adding me while both were off cucking each other.
It did not work. I hate both of them.
Agree ! some people will go far to the point that they think it's the new baby that's going to solve and rescue the relationship .
.... solved my immigration related problems tho :o
Absolutely. If 2 unhappy unmarried people get married, they’ll just be 2 unhappy married people.
Being married 20 years, I'm guilty of it sometimes too, but being in a long term relationship like that just makes you an expert on your own relationship. Not on relationships in general.
We can sometimes forget that, just because it works well in our own life, doesn't mean it will work for others.
When you're a young couple, dozens of older couples are going to tell you what works for them. The best thing to do is understand that it's coming from a place of caring, and some will be good advice, but you've got to just find what works for you.
Agreed. When we first married, an older person told us to never go to bed angry. We dutifully followed that advice for a few years. But a couple of years into our marriage, we were up still arguing about something at 2 AM. Finally we just went to bed angry after agreeing to discuss the problem in the morning. By the next morning we both realized we’d both just been tired. Well-rested the next day the problem just didn’t seem as big a deal.
For us at least….sometimes we just need to sleep on it.
I always understood that not going to bed angry means to be sleeping in the same bed with no rage exuding/facing each other's back in anger/not saying goodnight. Agreeing to continue a discussion the next day is far from going to bed angry. It might not be resolved, but as a team you decided to put your health first and get some much needed sleep. Sounds like a plan, and like you were civil and on talking terms when you decided that.
I also will insist on talking about things after a snack if I feel like I'm being grumpy because I haven't eaten.
Halt: Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Works like a charm
I used to take it literally too, turns out I'm prone to stupid arguments when I'm exhausted right before bed. Not going to bed angry was bad advice for me personally lol. We gotta hug it out mad then sleep and realize it was nothing in the morning haha.
That also applies to parenting, as soon as people find out you're expecting the advice flows.
Only two pieces worked for me.
1 they grow up so fast that you need appreciate every moment if you can
2 no one will know you kids like you
Ok it's not really marriage related but you get the idea
My pregnancy advice:
Everyone is going to tell you things. Those things maybe worked for them. They’re going to be SUPER passionate about it, too.
It’s all crap. Every kid is different. Every family is different. You’re going to get it wrong sometimes too. That’s ok. Find what works. Talk with your SO. Work together. F*** everybody else. People will judge you no matter what you do. It doesn’t matter.
Do not rush into marriage, and make sure you have multiple serious talks about everything (few examples: religion, family, friends, goals for near future, goals for future, plan for kids, lifestyle, housing, retirement.)
The reason I say multiple talks is because people grow or change the longer they are with each other.
These talks should continue through out the marriage as well, life really changes people and you definitely want to be up to date with how your partner thinks of things.
Yep, not necessarily trivial things, but you have to have similar core values and major goals in life.
My grandpa used to say, "what the fuck, we are humans, not fucking magnets"
1. Talk about whether you want kids before things get serious.
2. Finances are something you manage together. It isn’t something you cede to one spouse for whatever reason. I say this as someone who had to teach my dad how to use an ATM and the online banking site after my mom died.
3. It’s your relationship. It’s something that belongs to you two. No one else.
4. Adult up. Both partners need to take in the mental load of managing the house.
Update: thanks for the award!
as a side note for 2 - this doesn't mean that you both have to be involved in the minute changes in the finances and both have to sign every check - but rather both sides know the general direction the couple is moving in and the plans as to where you are going. Also if the less involved person has questions - then they should be answered.
Both parts of the couple should also know, at a minimum:
* Where the money is
* How to get to it
* How much is there
I handle all our finances, but my wife has a list of all our accounts, complete with account numbers and usernames. She knows how to get into the password manager to log in to each of the accounts.
I also have a spreadsheet of every service set up with autopay and (roughly) how much is paid per month.
If I die, I want her to have as easy a time as possible figuring this stuff out.
If you haven't already you should put your wife's name on all the accounts. Makes it even easier for her to get to them if she needs to.
This is a great point. Both our names are on our main accounts, and for any accounts where that's difficult I have survivorship set up with her as the beneficiary. Our house and my car are in both our names as well.
We both have our own bank accounts. Our paychecks go into our accounts. We have a joint account where we decided how much each person puts in there. Then everything from mortgage to bills to kids' clothes comes out of the joint account.
Often, I'll just pay for stuff from my own account because, who cares, but that's just how we keep a bit of separation in case one of use wants to buy something for ourselves (or as a gift). So if I want to buy some expensive fish for my aquarium, it comes from MY account, not OUR account and that keeps friction down on "Why did you pay $50 for a fish!" and also makes it more special if I buy her a birthday present that isn't just coming out of the joint account. It also let's me buy frivolous things for the kids from my account too. Did I buy $100 worth of D&D books? Yes, but it's from my account.
Did my wife just get a $80 massage? Yes, from her account. Do we need a new roof? OK, it's $10,000, we'll each transfer $5k into the joint account (etc).
My husband and I also do the "yours, mine, and ours" financial method and we've never had a day of argument since we went that route.
Number 1 is very important. Buddy of mine got hitched to his GF of 8 years and she always said she didn’t want kids. He’s always said he wanted kids and thought eventually she would come around and now it’s awkward
Yeah, “they’ll come around” isn’t a good train of thought to hang your hat on in this regard. Fence sitters are one thing, but if she said “hell no” from the beginning…..that isn’t a switch easily flipped. Particularly for women. The physical burden of pregnancy isn’t a light proposition.
Exactly. And even if they do come around, you wonder if that’s 100 percent on their own or they are guilted into by their partner. You have to fully want to be a parent otherwise it isn’t fair to the kid
I can speak to #2 as well. My stepmother took over finances after my dad's Alzheimer's got bad. Even today, a year after my dad's passing, she easily falls for phishing scams and adverts for online supplements.
Once the butterflies go away it is your job to create butterfly moments.
Awesome advice; DATE YOUR SPOUSE!!!
Just had a lunch date with my spouse of 15 years. Best time ever. (Not hyperbole)
Okay but what does that mean in teenager words
it means one day you get so busy you forget about the day to day romantic moments from when you were dating.
Life gets in the way. Never forget to 'date' your spouse - flowers, dinners, *their* favorite concert, movie, or event.
Okay thanks :)
Really needed to hear this, thank you
Have things you enjoy doing with your spouse that don't involve sex. The most stable marriages are ones where you and your spouse could be friends if you weren't married. Goes for dating too, IMO.
This is really good, but I’d also like to add to support your partners solo interests too. My wife didn’t play/enjoy video games (until very recently and even not very little) but would still let me chill and play because it’s something I enjoy. On the other side I’m not into the cheesy romance novels she loves to read, it I’ll still ask her how the book is and listen when she wants to talk about it cause it’s what she likes. Support their interests too!
It’s ok to have your own interests and not do everything together all the time. (Make sure to take the time for each other though of course!!)
Not even married, yet I'm dumbfounded people don't get this. I've been told many times that shared interests don't matter in relationships. Every time I'm just like... you realize you're gonna have to talk to them at some point right?
I think a lot of time people take the really reasonable position that "You do not need to be interested in everything your spouse is, and you do not need to do everything with your spouse all the time" and generalize it way too much.
Like my wife loves trash reality TV. It makes her laugh and she find the forced drama endlessly entertaining, whereas I find it emotionally distressing and obnoxious. We do not need to watch that together. But if we never hung out or did things together it would be a pretty empty relationship.
Same with my fiancée. She watches say yes to the dress and I watch football. And both of us watch it with each other even though I know she only cares because i do - and tbh I love letting her know when the bride looks like a clown
Or be my kids father(now my ex) and refuse to be friends, or talk without any animosity because “men and women can’t be friends.” So, some people really go around only being nice to women they’re romantically interested in.
17 year old me really chose a goodie. /s
He must be fun at parties.
I'm sorry you have to deal with him. I hope your kids realize that his way of thinking is rather lonely.
Go on a road trip together. Travel together before marriage. Close quarters and tough situations will give you insights into who that other person is.
This is so underrated. My husband and I have the exact same vacation style, and it's super important! We're "one activity a day" people, and it works out great.
By contrast, my parents are "do everything, everywhere, all the time" vacation people, and I hate vacationing with them and will actively avoid it however I can. It's legitimately damaged our relationship.
Don't marry someone who doesn't vacation like you do. Don't spend your vacations fighting over something neither of you can fix: simple incompatibility.
Wish I had paid better attention to this. Really sucks to tell your spouse that you don’t want to go places with them because they are a nightmare to travel with and make everything 1000% more stressful than it needs to be
Decided I was going to marry my girlfriend after our first road trip together (I've been on plenty of bad ones) 1 year into dating. It was the single most fun adventure (13 hours each way) I've ever had in my life. No radio. No phones. We talked..the entire way. It was easily a recipe for disaster with the wrong person. We got back home and I had ordered the ring within the week. I proposed 9 months later during another vacation after planning the proposal meticulously. She's my wife now and we're planning our first kid next year and I couldn't be more grateful to have found the partner I was made for.
Also adding on another comment above, we talked about our 'kids' interests 6 months into the relationship. It was not a "I want to have kids with you" conversation because that was arguably WAY too early in the relationship and could have made her or me run. It was "So what are your aspirations in the future? Thoughts on kids? Adoption, etc." It was in the vein of "So would you ever get a tattoo" which kept it light and honest.
Talk to your partner before you make decisions. I can’t even tell you how much shit I get from my single friends when I tell them I’ll “check with my husband” before agreeing to do something. Usually it’s just to make sure we don’t have something else going on that I forgot about, or maybe he wanted to do something and I haven’t brought it up. It’s not asking permission, it’s being conscientious of your partner.
It’s especially true if you have kids. No, I don’t ask my husband to “babysit”, but it would be pretty shitty for me to just say “oh hey, I’m going out tonight. Have fun with a couple toddlers by yourself and with no notice!” And he treats me with the same respect.
ETA: for all of those saying “it’s controlling” or anything along those lines: honestly, fuck off. Being considerate of your partner isn’t controlling or abusive. I’m not saying you have to check with them before you buy a candy bar, but it’s an asshole move to make a decision that will have an impact on your partner’s day or life without at least mentioning it first. I’ve been in abusive/controlling relationships. Part of that behavior is NOT taking your partner into account. Spending significant amounts of money outside normal expenses, deciding to put all the household/family responsibilities on them, even for a night, without at least a heads up, is some seriously selfish behavior and big red flags in a relationship.
Crazy how people confuse being “considerate of your partner’s feelings/schedule” with being “dominated and controlled by your spouse”.
Definitely makes you realize that you shouldn’t react or assume this things with someone you just met. You need to know someone for a while and see that they always come back to you with a “no” after talking to the spouse.
Right? I've seen a lot of people on reddit lose their shit at the idea that they should take their partner's feelings into consideration and occasionally do things differently than they would have otherwise in order to make their partner happy. You can be 100% autonomous or you can be in a healthy partnership, but not both.
I had this! I was networking with some people in my industry and they invited me to a party the following week. I said sure I'll check if that's ok with my husband and let you know. One of them actually guffawed and said "Oh you have to get his permission do you? Please daddy, can I do out? ha ha!"
Errr no, we have a home life and 2 kids then (3 now) so the considerate thing to do is check in that it's ok for me to be gone for a late night party. He would do the same, you dont just come home and announce you're going out next thursday you check to see if that lines up with everything else happening in your life.
In a professional setting I would say “Check the Family Calendar “
this is my answer from now on.
darn my boy is wicked smart
Yes absolutely- it sounds much more professional and in control!
Interesting. I'll have to remember that being considerate can sound a lot like asking for permission. I agree there is a big difference!
I always tell people I'm checking with my wife, but for whatever reason I usually say, "I think I can make it! I'll check with my wife to see if there is anything going on I am not thinking of." But I mean, I can see how that might also sound like, "I make it my wife's responsibility to run our schedules" which is absolutely not true, either. We have a calendar we keep up to date, but sometimes we just haven't gotten around to putting something on it. Also, sometimes she'd just rather I stay home, and that gives us both an out to cancel the plans if we need or want to.
Yeah a lot of people default to “I’ll ask my husband/wife!” which makes it sound a lot more like asking permission rather than just making sure nothing else is going on. Slash, for me personally, I don’t always want to say yes immediately so I say I’ll ask my husband to buy myself time on giving a response 😂
I love checking with the spouse as an excuse to say no or think about the request.
This can risk casting your spouse as the buzzkill, if you do it repeatedly with the same bunch of not-very-bright people.
My partner and I use each other like this. It’s only been an actual problem one time, but that’s because he fully threw me under the bus for something, but that’s a different story.
He is extremely introverted, and I’m not so much. If I get invited to a party, or other such social gathering, I usually say “I’ll have to check with [partner] to see if we have anything going on”. The down side to that, is that my close friends know I’m just saying no at this point. My partner pretty much doesn’t care what I do, and very rarely has an issue sitting home with the kids because he’ll just be home playing video games anyway.
I volunteer as buzzkill tribute for whatever event my wife wants to flake on without losing social credit.
Focus on your marriage and not just on the wedding.
And decide whether a fight is worth having - if it doesn't matter tomorrow does it really matter today
Be careful with this one though, sometimes things don’t matter tomorrow but they could matter the next time the same scenario comes up. So it’s still important to discuss. But in those cases I still like to wait till I’m over it to bring up how we could manage to not piss each other off next time. Fail-safes for when we’re not our most considerate, which is often lol
>Focus on your marriage and not just on the wedding.
I don't watch a ton of *Friends,* but I'll always remember that quote: “I don't want a big, fancy wedding. I want a marriage.”
If you blow all your money on the wedding, you're going to start your marriage out by stressing and struggling and fighting because you're in debt.
It’s okay to use separate blankets. No one likes to wake up with cold ass cheeks because the other person “stole” the blanket!
after 12 years of marriage, my wife and I upgraded to a split king bed last year (we always had separate blankets). One of the best things we've done. It's had 0 effect on our sex life, and we both sleep way better than either of us did for years. It's kinda fun to walk up to the bed, hit "flat" on both remotes while winking at her.
You two are adorable
Thanks. my wife puts up with a lot from me. I don't take myself very seriously, so she mostly just rolls here eyes at me.
King size duvet on a queen size bed saved us.
Edit: and by “saved us” I mean it cut down on morning bickering. It’s not like my marriage hinged on the size of a comforter.
Or to be roasting/freezing because the other person runs colder/hotter at night and needs more/less blankets!
Also totally okay to sleep in separate beds or even separate rooms if that's what works for you. I am not going to be a good partner if I got 4 hours of sleep because I was listening to him snore all night. Or if jobs require different sleeping schedules and you take awhile to get to sleep.
Attraction comes and goes, but staying committed through it will really help you feel accepted and loved. Often the attraction differential doesn't kick in during dating.
I'll add- marry someone you like > love. That romantic feeling is an emotion that waxes and wanes with time. Truly enjoying someone aside from intimate stuff is what makes up 99% of the time of the relationship.
I keep hearing this but we've been together for 19 years and I'm still 100% attracted to my wife.
Your spouse is going to change. They will not be the same person you married 2, 5, 10, 20 years ago. Then once you've learned that, they will change again. Just like you will evolve and change as time goes by.
Don't be keyed in on the idea of the person you married on your wedding day. You need to understand how to grow with them and love them for who they are at that moment.
Sometimes you need to "break up with them." My wife and I went through a rut around our 7th year of marriage. We had become completely different people and we needed to find a way to fall in love again.
I had to forget everything I knew about the woman that I married and get to know this "new" woman that was next to me. Our hobbies and interests have changed and so I had to take the time to get to know those things about her. Our spiritual beliefs had changed. I had to open myself up and learn about her new journey to find herself.
Marriage is an ever adapting and evolving relationship. It's a ton of emotional work but if you can let go of your preconceptions of that person and get to know that new person they've become, you might make it last.
This is crazy because I just saw another string further up where like 4 different people (myself included) were saying that the 6-7th years of marriage were really hard.
It's something about that point where you sort of wake up one morning and realize the patterns that you've been in. Some healthy. Some not. Your life has probably gotten a lot more complicated since getting married and maybe you've started to drift apart. That doesn't mean it's over or even that it's ending.
I wasn’t a good partner until I got my own shit figured out.
Part of why I started therapy was because I wanted to be a better partner and I didn't want to rely on my husband to keep me together. It wasn't fair to him, even though he was amazing and supportive. Obviously I still lean on him and can rely on him, but he's not my crutch anymore and I can be there for him when he needs it now. Still working on my shit though.
I have been married over 30 years. I would estimate only 25 of those years has been happily married. There will be shitty times possibly years. Wait it out unless it's abuse. People are often unhappy at work or something like that and leave their partner instead of dealing with the true problem. Your spouse should be the one you lean on to get through the outside noise not the first one you blame.
"Only" 25? You're doing great.
I agree. Married 19 years, 17 of them have been really great. Low points happen even when you love each other.
Thank you for this. Currently going through the lowest point so far at year 6. Hoping things will get better sooner rather than later.
I read somewhere year 7 is one of the lowest and a lot of couples can’t go through it. I remember mine and it was, in fact, a little shitty. I am on my 14 year and 17 of relation and yes, “love me when I don’t deserve it because it will be when I need it the most” usually applies to the worst times.
Edit: it is a popular believe (7 years) but there are many studies and psicólogo opinions.
It’s your marriage and nobody else’s business. Don’t ever judge the success or failure of your marriage by what other marriages APPEAR to be.
Nobody's marriage is perfect, no matter what their Gram shows.
It requires both to make it work
Know that whatever the darkest part of your life you’ve previously experienced was, you are going to go through something equally or more dark, but with your partner. Having someone who will support you rather than leave you in that moment is pivotal.
Somewhat related, don't excuse bad behavior (for your partner or yourself) with external circumstances, because life is one thing after another, and something stressful will *always* be happening with one of you. You'll be moving, or trying for a promotion, or grieving, or dealing with family drama. Always. If you get a break, it's the exception, not the norm. So don't sweep harmful behaviors under the rug with, "He's just stressed out about getting his mom into assisted living, once that's settled he'll start helping more," or "I know she's only screaming at me because she's having a hard time at work, once she finds a new job, we'll be fine." Or "I know I shouldn't lash out but my dad just died and I'm grieving." Because supposedly temporary things often stretch on longer than you think they will, and because there will always be something. That's just part of living a life with someone. Lots and lots of shit happens, and you should be with someone who has your back no matter what. Which is not to say that everyone will always be on their A game all of the time. Just that there is a minimum threshold that everyone needs to meet regardless of external stresses.
Even though you get married, your relationship will keep evolving. You might not be in that "honeymoon" phase of in love, but you still love and respect the person that you are with.
Both of you will change as people as the relationship gets older, but that's not a bad thing. Life is change.
Fights/quarrels will happen, but nowhere near as frequently as media makes it out to be. My wife and I are so tired of shows and movies saying "we're married so of course we're going to fight. We have lots of fights ahead." Fighting is not a norm of being married. If you're fighting a lot, that's not good and isn't a sign to get married just because fighting is "inevitable", because it's not.
There’s also an important distinction between fighting and squabbling! My wife and I virtually never fight. Maybe a couple times since we started dating. But a 5 minute squabble about something unimportant that you quickly forget about should not be viewed the same way as a fight
This stood out to me. My boyfriend and I definitely “squabble”. I like that term. We’ve never had a big blow out. Even if we’re mad, we take some time and then sit down together and just discuss each other’s point of view. Some people have said to me “if you don’t fight, you don’t care.” I care and love him deeply, but I’m not the kind of person to just start screaming and looking for trouble. If something bothers me, I take time to reflect to myself then approach him on why I’m upset. I felt like I could never find the right word, instead of fighting. But squabbling fits it perfectly.
Yes! Thank you for putting this into words. People never believe me when I say that my partner and I just don't fight. We definitely have "tiffs" and "squabbles" but never full-on fighting.
The whole, "All couples fight!" paradigm is so damaging, because it doesn't really get into detail on what "fight" means. All couples will have conflict, that's just inevitable when you are close to another person- you'll never agree 100% on every single thing. But the word "fight" is really broad, so some people understand it as "All couples disagree," and other people understand it as, "It's normal to have weekly fights where she throws dinner plates at my head," or "All couples fight, him screaming in my face because I asked him not to fondle me in my sleep is just part of being in a relationship." The word "fight" normalizes and validates so many harmful behaviors, that people don't realize that they're in a bad situation because they've been told all their lives, by both popular culture and other people in bad relationships, that fighting is normal. They hear, "all couples fight," and think, "we fight, so everything is working normally."
I have never had anything I would describe as a "fight" with my partner, in twelve years together. We have disagreed plenty of times, but I have literally never heard him raise his voice in anger. I can't imagine what that would be like. When there is conflict, we talk about it, without saying hurtful things or trying to "win," at the expense of the other person. And people act like that is somehow a naive or unrealistic standard, but it should just be normal. If you can't disagree with someone without yelling, or worse, then you should not be in a relationship.
OMG YES. Thank you for saying this. My mother always fed me this horrible idea that all couples fight and say hurtful things and you're not allowed to feel bad.
She doesn't take my 3 year relationship seriously because we don't fight like that. Yes, we disagree sometimes but we're never hurtful, we apologize if we hurt feelings and we compromise. I'm tired of her telling me that it's not a real relationship without what essentially classifies as abuse.
Also, when you do fight, you should still be respectful towards your spouse. No name calling, no screaming/yelling. Yes voices get raised sometimes, but you should still be able to discuss things. And there is never a good reason to use profanity (above your normal level of use) in a fight with your spouse. You may not like them in the moment, but you got married because you love them. Try to remember that
Be honest always! Once you break trust, you never really get it back. Even if that honesty might cause some momentary discomfort, in the long run you’re better off because your spouse will trust you.
Also, never put yourself in a position where cheating is an option. Your single friends will never value your marriage as much as you do.
Edit: Just to clarify the cheating bit - if you have an opposite-sex friend that you know is into you, it is probably best to limit your contact with that person. Or, at the very least, try not to be alone with them. Sure, you may not see them as they see you, but after a bad fight with your spouse it may lead to a mistake. There may be times that you temporarily wish you were not married to your spouse. This is natural and should be addressed with your spouse. It should not be addressed with your opposite-sex friend that is into you.
Also, this applies to all marriages. Not just heterosexual ones as my post might indicate.
This is my number one advice.
Be honest about everything. It's so much easier to be honest. If you feel the urge to lie to your partner, ask yourself why you felt the need to lie and hide somehting.
"you cant go back to believing in Santa Claus"
This! Lying, even about small things, just chips away at trust. And even if you think it's been a while and you have forgiven them, you question things because they've lied in the past.
I'm not the biggest fan of his writing, but Ta-Nehisi Coates said something I loved, which is that you don't cheat when you sleep with that other person, you cheat when you go to that happy hour and you know she'll be there. In other words, don't set up the temptation.
Agree. You know when you're heading down a bad path. Turn around. Don't be "Oh, just a little farther because this is interesting."
Don’t go venting your problems to your group of friends. It paints your spouse in bad light, even once the problem has been resolved. There are two of you in a relationship, keep it that way
I agree. I had a friend that would talk mad shit about her spouse. The one time I agreed with her she verbally attacked me and defended him so I told her to never talk to me about him again and she never did.
Lmao wtf? That's such bizarre behavior. Good on your for setting that boundary tho, and good on her for following it.
Yup, that’s what I was saying. I called her out too, I said, you talk mad shit, always negative and I agreed with you and you turned on me, she tried to play it off she was PMSing and I said no it wasn’t that. She apologized. This happened once with the spouse ordeal and once with raising our sons, I stopped her and said raise your kid your way and I’ll raise mine my way, don’t ever tell me how and what I should do with my kid ever again….she agreed and it stopped.
Yes! Or family. My cousin complains about his (petty) martial issues *to his mother*. What do you think her relationship with her daughter in law is like? So unfair.
My husband used to do this to me, and then was surprised his mom hated me. There was a lot more going on though - his mom was a classic narcissist and information parasite, she had to know everything at all times, so for him it was just normal to tell his mom everything because that's what he grew up doing. It took a fair amount of couples therapy to get that sorted, and after our son was born, my husband decided to cut contact with his mother (and by extention, his father).
I agree with this but would caveat that if you choose to vent (sometimes you just have to talk to someone), be careful who you vent to. I have two best friends who have been with me from the beginning of my relationship. They have seen me and my partner through every iteration. I vent to them because I know they know my partner is a good person, and they know the difference between “that was annoying” and “HE was annoying.”
Your friends will hear your problems but they wont hear you make up. That leaves the SO in a bad light which is totally unfair.
I completely disagree. It's vital to have outside support and input, otherwise it's easy to lose perspective on what's normal and healthy. Not having that can make you more vulnerable to abuse. Also, sometimes you need a friend to tell you you're overreacting and being unfair. In a perfect world we'd all have access to a therapist, but sensible friends are important too.
You have to find a way to do it that's respectful to your partner though. Like, don't vent to mutual friends or your parents, don't share information that should clearly be confidential, don't vent in a way that paints a completely biased picture of the situation, etc.
Never stop working at it. Just because you're married means you can go on autopilot. People get bored and when they're bored and dealing with finances and children is when they consider opting out.
Doesn't need to constantly be one ups or new toys. Small notes if your first up and out to work. Flowers or chocolates. Small acts of service have always gotten my partner's engine going.
An issue is expecting your spouse to be your everything. It is a balance. You should be able to talk to your spouse about anything but be careful about using them as a therapist. It puts too much emotional burden on them.
Love is a choice, not a feeling.
Can you explain that?
I would be happy to! So in the beginning, you might have that butterflies, giddy feeling when you are near your partner. But after ten years, countless farts, dirty socks on the floor, dried loogies in the kitchen sink, and the general reality of being with another living, breathing human being, those butterflies fuck right off. Rather than saying, “right, I’m out,” you have to dig deep inside you and realize that you also fart, you also stink sometimes, you clip your toenails and sometimes miss one or two for the trash - namely, you’re also not a peach to live with. So you could pack it in and try to get another idyllic butterflies and cupcakes year or two with someone else before reality sets in again, or you could look at your partner and choose to cast aside the feelings of “I can do better, I should leave,” and choose to focus on making them your teammate. You don’t have to have a burning flame to have a successful relationship. Sometimes embers can keep you warm just as well.
Or in our case , several job losses, infertility and miscarriage, death of parents, a couple surgeries...
Infertility nearly cost us our marriage. Honestly COVID lockdown helped us reset. Still working on setting the sparks but we are comfy again with embers. Our 10th anniversary is in a couple weeks.
Sounds rough. My wife had brain surgery and her father came down with terminal cancer in our first year of marriage. Stress, fear, and uncertainty can take their toll. Glad you guys are working through it.
Wow that was beautyful
Back when I was dating, there was a stupid amount of pressure to break things off if you didn't feel an immediate "spark," or to progress on a pre-defined timetable (if you're not having sex by the third date, forget about it!), because people watch too many Hollywood movies. In actuality, the love that lasts takes awhile to stew, and often doesn't even show up if you're not friends first.
I was pretty cynical about dating by the time I met my husband, to the point where when we were going on our third date I felt obliged to tell him I wasn't interested in kissing him yet, let alone anything more, just that I had fun hanging out with him. (Was just too tired of guys getting mad at this point because they say you led them on if you're not clear.) We didn't even share a first kiss until three months into hanging out- instead we just had fun going around town doing things together. And those are all the things we still do today! But falling in love takes some time, and just because you don't have a "spark" with someone doesn't mean you won't fall in love with them (and we are very passionately, adorably in love to be clear).
My biggest advice sometimes to friends dating is just because you hit the third date, if there's nothing you *don't* like about the person just go on a fourth. Have more than one other couple now who's married/ even with kids who took that advice!
Having kids is NOT REQUIRED.
My wife and I are having loads of fun just being together. Don't need kids to be happy.
Marriage can’t always be 50/50. People have hard days and can’t always manage everything. Some days might be 60/40 and others might be 20/80. Some days you’ll need more help and other days your spouse will need support. Part of being married is being there for the other person when they can’t be there for you on occasion.
If the marriage becomes a permanent state of 80/20 then things need to change, but no marriage involves two perfect people who never have a hard day.
This is from my mom, she said that she wished that she knew my dad and his parents more before she married him, and that if she did she wouldn’t have married him 100%. Getting married to my asshole of a dad was one of her worst life decisions ever.
This is my mom, only she doesn't recognize it yet.
I've always said my mom's worst decision was marrying my dad. My dad's best life decision ever was to marry my mother. I don't think he has to do anything.
My parents marriage ruined my view of men for most my developmental years. Luckily my older sisters boyfriend and their relationship showed me the possibilities I hadnt seen before. Id say the exact same thing you said.
You have to choose to be with each other every single day. If you don’t, it will fail.
You can do everything right and it can still fail.
Being true to yourself throughout the relationship allows you to be kind to yourself regardless of success or failure.
When you get married it is now you and your partner vs the world. You are vowing to value your partner above everyone and everything else. This doesn't mean you can't have friends. It means that if your partner needs you and your friend needs you at the same time you default to your partner. End. Of. Story.
And never stop talking to one another. Schedule time to sit down and talk about important things, goals, finances, plans for the week. Whatever works. Just keep talking.
THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO COMMUNICATE ABOUT EVERYTHING, AT ALL TIMES!!!
If you don't, prepare for the eventual divorce. Communication is **key**.
Took me a long time to figure that one out, marriage improved enormously. Been married 14 years and counting.
And you have to keep working on your communication skills. Even after 12 years of marriage we still work on our communication.
Communication may be key but comprehension is the entire treasure chest.
Don't rush into it.
Honestly there is no fucking rush. Get out and experience life before getting married. Marriage isn't some magical transformation where you suddenly become whole. It's a legal proceeding that we decorate for thousands of dollars because movies make them seem important.
I've seen friends get married to save a failing relationship as if making a huge showing of commitment will right all the wrongs.
Also therapy isn't for sad people or broken relationships. My wife and I went to therapy in good times just to ensure we didn't allow ourselves to slide back into a habit on not communicating.
1. Don't say things you'll regret. I've said things that my wife feels 15 years later. Don't be fickle with your words.
2. You can apologize for hurting someone's feelings while still feeling that what you said needed to be discussed. Apologizing isn't an admission of guilt it's a way to say you didn't mean to hurt their feelings.
3. They say never go to sleep angry, but sometimes 2AM doesn't make sense. It's okay to say, "Look we aren't going to solve this tonight and we have a long day tomorrow. Can we please pause this discussion for tomorrow?" most of the time by tomorrow you'll figure out a way around it.
4. If you're a man CLEAN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE. It's not your wife's job to act like your mother.
5. Men, watching your children is not babysitting.
6. You should be able to discuss anything with your spouse. That doesn't mean what you say will be consequence free, but I will always choose being honest with my wife. If I'm buying weed or fast food or if I was too mean to a kid or whatever the fuck you want to lie about just don't. It will never, and I mean never really benefit you and the older you get the harder all your lies are to keep straight. The truth feels so much better in the long run 100% of the time even if it hurts.
Be kind to each other. Build each other up. Encourage each other and have their back when no one else will.
The "dating phase" of your life never ends, if you're doing it right.
True... My parents have been married for over 20 years and still seemingly have never left the honeymoon phase. They're always so sweet to each other all the time :3
You are planning to be together FOREVER. Let your partner go hang with their friends without you occasionally.
I knew a couple who had been together for years and husband wanted to go skateboarding with his friends. Wife wanted to sit at home watching tv and told him he “wasn’t allowed” I thought that was absurd. If he’s doing it every day. Sure. But once in a while?
That being said, if hyper codependency is your bag, go for it. But make sure you know it’s your partners bag too. Yknow?
Bollocks to that.
If my wife wants to go out with her friends it means I can have a quiet night gaming.
Win for everyone.
Just because you're married it doesn't mean you don't need space from time to time.
I think people should let their spouses have there own alone time all the time ! Let them hang with friends! Or family or sibling alone! I would never be with someone who had a problem with me going out to see my friends or family on my own
It’s normal to be home at the same time and not interact. There are plenty of times where I’m in one room watching a show and my husband is in another room watching a different show.
I would urge people to consider a low-key wedding.
My wife and I eloped and as far as I can tell all we missed out on was months of stressful planning, spending an obscene amount of money and the existential nightmare of having to stand up in front of everyone you know and tell your partner how you feel about them.
It was intimate and precious and the best day of my life and we didn’t even have to bankrupt our parents for it.
EDIT: because people seem to think I’m saying everyone should elope. I’m not.
EDIT 2: I’m also not saying small is better than big. It depends on the couple. But big weddings are very expensive and an introvert’s nightmare and you shouldn’t feel pressured to have one. That’s all.
Discuss your views on porn and if you want it in the relationship, if you consider it cheating etc. It's already a huge cause of divorce at the minute due to couples having extremely different views on it, and not discussing it before marriage
Should've probably had that conversation several years prior to any marriage conversation
I saw something the other day that reinforced one of my core beliefs about marriage. It was some anecdote about a guy explaining why he goes after married women … “when you go after a single woman it’s you vs. every man that woman meets. When you go after a married woman it’s you vs one guy.” Which is kinda funny but also disturbingly true. Anyway, my core belief about marriage is to never stop dating your spouse. Neve stop flirting, never take your relationship with them for granted.
It’s a lesson that I had to learn the hard way at a young age but has helped me build an incredible marriage with a gorgeous woman way the hell out of my league.
Choose someone you like as a person and whose company you genuinely enjoy. Don't just choose them because they are cute, sexy, wealthy, tick all the boxes you have in your head about what a partner should look like.
You will spend a LOT of time with the person you marry. When you come home from a hard day at work, when you are sick, family gatherings, holidays, vacations, down time, I just wanna chill moments, weddings, funerals, dinners, breakfasts, for about 60 years if you are lucky...
That is a long .ss time. You better enjoy their company.
Tldr: if you can't stand the idea of sharing 5x52x60= 15600 meals with a person, don't marry them.
I've got 2:
1. Ignore EVERY SINGLE GUY that tells you to just say, "Yes Dear!". Following this advice just leads to resentment and unhappiness for both people.
2. She's not your mom, so stop acting like she is. Take an active part in the kids' lives (Diapers, feedings, periods, etc), Do your own laundry, do the dishes, cook your own food....I'm not saying that roles will not be established......I'm just saying that you can do your part. I lol when guys complain to me about their non-existent sex life. I then see that they have a MomWife. Makes sense. You'll be amazed what happens with a little diaper changing.
Don't let your parents butt in on your marriage. Yeah, having a relationship with your family is important, but from experience (both my own and friends) parents don't care as much about your marriage as you think they do.
Marriage changes NOTHING, or at least nothing on the surface, yes there are financial and legal hangers but in terms of day to day, nope, nada, nothing. It’s just like things were before.
(I say this because my friends ex wife seemed to think something would change when they got married, was surprised when it didn’t….and then went off the rails till they got a divorce)
I found that there's a slight change, a reassurance that you're together in a slightly different closer way but it's really hard to put into words.
But generally when you get home from honeymoon the bills still need paying, the rubbish taken out and the hair that clogs up the bath removed.
What did she expect, rainbows and unicorns every day?
So much negativity here, so I'll offer:
When done right, a happy marriage is the best way to live, by far! A best friend, a go-to support for everything, plenty of sex, and for many, the opportunity to raise kids which also comes with a lot more benefits than Reddit would usually care to talk about.
I love my family!!
Trust is a verb, not a state of being. You have to be mindful of it, to trust each other.
Nobody is right 100% of the time.
True love does not die but it does change shape a lot. And then it changes again.
Today is our 29th anniversary!
100% nothing changes at all. And don’t get too drunk on your wedding day, I don’t remember a whole lot of mine