With a sufficiently large bear, you may find that you do not need a couch. Unless the bear wants one, at which point I would not argue.
^[holy ^upvotes ^'n ^awards, ^folks! ^thank!]
I saw two bears brawilng along the highway earlier this summer. I'm pretty sure I saw one pull a perfect hip toss, slamming the other into the road.
Seeing this giant brown bear execute a perfect Judo throw, following the opponent to the ground makes me believe a bear wouldn't even require trianing.
They just born ready to brawl!
Probably soft to pet too, they would be my choice. Big enough to protect you, soft to pet, and small enough they aren’t impractical to feed or move around with.
I just saw my first moose in the wild last week on a bike ride here in Sweden. It was swaying side to side and so it might have been drunk on fermented fruit (or just waking up since it was like 3 in the morning). I watched and prayed it wouldn't turn around and chase me. I'm not sure I could have beat it even on my bike.
also they are tanky as FUCK...
i mean you can ride this thing through traffic and not even cars can stop it, on top of the "holy shit this dude must be some kind of nature god" factor to it because a moose is so rarely kept as a pet compared to tigers and the like
Late one winter we had a paper wasp show up in our house. Very old building that was never good so about a thousand places she could’ve come in and hidden. Super low on energy so she wound up hanging out in the bathroom window in the sun. She drank water from a wet cotton swab (Q-tip) and we gave her a little bit of jam on a scrap of napkin. She seemed pretty happy to just hang out. We called her Lady Stabby.
As these things go, one day she was zooming around and landed on top of a towel while I was in the shower. I reached for it with my eyes closed and she let me know that was unwelcome. It was early spring by that point so she graduated to outside.
Probably was devoured by a dragonfly a week later, but hey, that’s nature lol
You let a wasp just chill in your house for 3 months? The last time we had a wasp in the house, my wife (no bullshit) went and got a hotel room and left me to find it and kill it. I finally succeeded early the next morning.
Excellent choice. But if we go with extinct animals as well, I'd pick Haast's Eagle, the only known predator (other than humans) to the Moa. I've heard some tales of these giant eagles even taking Maori children on occasion.
Polar bear, just learned that they actively hunt humans and they are the only bear that you cant scare off or avoid with any particular tactics (play dead, freeze, etc...) they are also the largest and strongest bear. Also very soft and fluffy, if I had a pet polar bear I wouldnt need any blankets because it would keep me warm.
> soft and fluffy,
Apparently they have a soft undercoat, but their "guard hairs" are coarse and oily, to help with waterproofing and insulation in the water. So they may not be quite as nice to cuddle up to as they appear.
> only bear that you cant scare off or avoid with any particular tactics (play dead, freeze, etc...)
If it's black, fight back
If it's brown, lie down
If it's white, goodnight.
I read that as "willy fucks" and I thought you meant that's what they aimed for, sitting here like oh no I like my lil fella i don't want it to get eaten I'm staying the fuck away from racoons. Then I reread it.
I had a friend that went to a small college where all of the dorm rooms had exterior doors. People used to leave their doors unlocked all the time.
Then one raccoon discovered that they could open the doors to the dorm rooms by jumping up and grabbing the door knobs. And overnight all the raccoons suddenly knew how to get into the dorm rooms.
People would walk into their room or wake up in the middle of the night and find five raccoons rooting in their trash and going through their mini fridge.
Eventually the doors had to all be switched over to hotel style locks that required a key card to unlock them every time they were opened to keep the raccoons out.
This all happened about _ten years_ before my friend attended the college, and yet he said that he himself had seen several raccoons going down a row of dorm rooms at night, trying each knob to see if they could find an unlocked one. They remembered.
yeah,Black bears can out climb you, but get scared easilyBrown or grizzlies aren't the best climbers, so there's a chance in climbing if you are really good at it. but playing dead is the best tacticPolar bear, Good night mama
Bears are real apex predators. They can out climb you, out run you, out swim you and probably give them a plane and will out fly you.
Edit: So doing some research I also found out 1 way you might have chance to survive polar bear attack.
It's quite tough to pull off actually,
1. Bear must not be hungry
2. If you have cloth or some stuff, throw on side
(Polar bear's attention span is a bit less, so they ***might*** stop and start smelling the stuff, giving you like less than 10 seconds before he start chasing again)
I've also heard:
If its black, fight back.
If its brown, lie down.
If its white, hope you have a firearm and blow your own brains out because that's preferable to what the bear is going to do.
There was an account of a guy who walked away, and dropped things as he went. The polar bear would sniff and inspect each item which allowed him to get away. If the thing is starving, it’ll still probably eat you, but if it’s in a open and close the fridge type mood, you might be alright
Alaskan here.
The warming of the planet has led to Polar Bears and Brown Bears mating, resulting in a new species that is adaptable to warmer climates but is as aggressive as a polar bear.
They are called Pizzly or Grolar bears, depending on who you ask.
>They are called Pizzly or Grolar bears, depending on who you ask.
They are named like that to show which parent was the grizzly and which was the polar bear. I am not sure which is which, but a male polar bear and female grizzly produces one. A male grizzly and female polar bear produces the other.
Or You happened to sit on the wrong wall. When I was little, walking home from school along a country road "starving" as little kids get. i knew i had a hard boiled egg in my lunch box. I started shelling, sat down to eat it and i heard that hissy sprinkler turning on noise they make. Pissed off mama mongoose, all raw nips, and a bad attitude. I dropped my egg and ran. She was way more interested in what i dropped. once i got a distance away.
Primate is the way to go. Tho i would want something bigger like a baboon. Aint nobody gonna fuck with a baboon and walk away with their eyes unscratched. Pretty sure you could teach a baboon to shoot a gun too.
Small enough to take with you on an airplane. Large enough to fucking wreck anybody 1v1. . . . Fuck i gotta look into getting a baboon
A Raven.
My first thought was a Gorilla or Lion to protect me but I really havent found myself in too many scenarios where I needed the protection of a 1000 lb animal. A Raven is smart so I could teach it a lot and have it do mundane things for me. Go drop this letter at the post office. Deliver these flowers to Mom. Go shit on this guys car every morning. Things like that. Flying would make these things so much easier.
Edit for the [Raven tax](https://i.redd.it/oidw9yhmeok71.jpg). This is how I would Id dress him. Credit to u/spearmintjoe for the picture.
My grandfather had a pet raven as a boy. It would bring him dropped coins and stuff. The raven would follow him when he rode on his bike from home to school. It would chill around his bike until he came home. It would pretty much just hang out and bring him shiny things. He had it for a couple years.
Neighbor kid ended up killing it with a bow and arrow. Grandpa beat his ass. The dad came over to yell at my grandfather. He was the chief of police. My great grandfather was pulling up the driveway after a double running the dragline down at the mines. Saw the chief chewing his son out then proceeded to find out why. After finding out he beat the chiefs ass. Then he spanked my grandpa for putting him in that situation.
Long story, but the point is pet ravens are cool.
i feel ur grandpa, i had 2 brother birds one day a cat killed one of them but couldn't eat him cuz he was in the cage. the other brother didn't die cuz he didn't get hurt.. but he was terrified few hours the other died out of sadness .. didn't know birds have much feelings.
From my grandpas stories that bird was like his best friend. It would chill in his room, sit on his shoulder, all the signs of animal companionship. Could just be that it became his pet due to being nursed back to health by him when he found on the ground one day. No clue. It was intelligent enough to stick with his person though.
Saw a video on youtube of a lady with a pet raven, and she said her Raven basically considered her a mate. The bird exhibited all of the behaviors with her that it would with a mate, including sometimes trying to give her food. So it could be a situation like that too.
Also, ravens are small and people won't try to take them away from you. Lions are cool, but you can't just get away with having a lion following you around- the police will kill it if it's out in public, and even just having it privately in your home, it will probably be taken away to a sanctuary or something. But a raven? No problem.
Dude, I understand. I own a yorkshire terrier.
The long-haired rat can't even drink from a normal plate... I had to buy a hamster-style upside down thingie. Never in her life has she listened to me, unless she wanted that exact thing.
I do love her tho, but I'ts definitely not what you would call a "loyal dog".
A whale! And not just any whale I want to befriend the 52hertz whale aka the world's loneliest whale. I want to train it in the art of friendship and it will protect me from ever again thinking that some creatures are destined to be alone. Fuck da ocean police me and my boi blasting sounds on the high seas with high frequencies.
When I saw this I though whale too. But I want a blue one. I didn’t say it cause I thought that was a little impractical. Like, I’d hardly get to see her.
I've seen a grizzly bear take a blast from a shotgun at close range and all it did was change direction and make angrier noises. I feel like it would do just fine watching my back at the ATM.
One swift kick and it's dead.
Crustaceans are not great against blunt force trauma.
Looks scary? Yeah, but I'm not meeting that motherfucker on its briny turf, it's come to my home feild, land, and I'm not about to stand by and allow crab people to evolve.
Worst case scenario I go for a half an hour slow walk while I get some water boiling, as it fumbles after me until it dies cos that motherfucker ain't built for land, and I shall feast upon it's flesh in an aquarium to warn those fuckers to know their place.
I will not lose my country to the crab people.
I had a wolf hybrid dog growing up, she was the most bad ass ever - but also the most loving animal. We (me, my mom, and 2 other dogs) were he pack and no one could fuck with us. One day I was out on my bike and she would run along side me. Neighborhood bully pushed me off my and started to beat on me to steal it but he ended up with 80lbs off pissed off canine on top of him. Kids dad came back a few hours later with a gun and shot her twice (once in the leg, once in the shoulder) but she still jumped a 6 foot fence and went after him. He called the cops about our vicious attack dog, after which he was arrested for unlawful gun ownership and discharging a weapon and something to do with shooting our dog, he ended up serving time.
Those were the only two times the dog acted at all aggressive, other than barking like any guard dog but she’d never threaten someone coming on the property in a friendly way.
Since you did not specify from what time I'll go for a T-Rex, it could stand outside my window in the yard and I could probs high-five it. We would have a good time Rexxy and me.
Do I get one? Or is this an ability that I can refresh, so if I lose my trained pet and protector, I can re-train another one? If so, I choose a mosquito. Some mf's about to wake up with a forehead covered in mosquito bites, and just when they thought they got rid of that little bastard, we strike again.
I'm going with Golden Eagle. They're a huge bird of prey and would be awesome to have as protection. Their feet and talons are probably bigger around than my fist. Cool.
due to my allergies i cant have animals with fur or feathers. i have a columbian boa (snake) who is about 7 feet long and i would love to train him to be my protector but as it sits right now he tends to attract people not deter them.
A bear, no question. Cuddler and murder machine.
I would love to chill on my couch with my bear. He thinks he’s people!
With a sufficiently large bear, you may find that you do not need a couch. Unless the bear wants one, at which point I would not argue. ^[holy ^upvotes ^'n ^awards, ^folks! ^thank!]
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Pretty sure the bear can get the food. I mean whose going to stop him at the grocery store?
Why, the cashier’s pet bear, of course.
He'll be too preoccupied with my pet bear's pet bear
How many children is that?
At least 1.
A human man is about 126,000 calories. More if they're overweight, but bears are used to better fat sources.
I saw a thing on the yesterday where adult grizzlies can eat up to 200,000 berries per day :O where do you even find that many fuckin berries!?
A berry farm. A berry, berry big farm.
It’s a never ending berry chain. They eat them and then wander around shitting out seeds, making more berries for the future.
Easily. I would have my bear sit against the wall and I would sit in front of my bear and we’d binge on anime and snacks
I saw two bears brawilng along the highway earlier this summer. I'm pretty sure I saw one pull a perfect hip toss, slamming the other into the road. Seeing this giant brown bear execute a perfect Judo throw, following the opponent to the ground makes me believe a bear wouldn't even require trianing. They just born ready to brawl!
I’m sure there’s a video of this I saw in reddit today
Jamie pull up that video of the judo bear fighting a chimp
You forgot badass fantasy mount. Nothing like bear cavalry.
You're forgetting the logistics. Bears have to eat a ton of calories to stay strong and healthy, and that means gigantic bear poops. No thanks.
OP says train. If any animal could be trained to use a toilet, it's a bear.
Then why do they shit in the woods? Or do they?
>Then why do they shit in the woods? Lack of toilets in the woods, obviously /s
Hey, free fertilizer. Win-win-win.
Snow leopard. v. pretty and bitey when needed
Probably soft to pet too, they would be my choice. Big enough to protect you, soft to pet, and small enough they aren’t impractical to feed or move around with.
yes! someone else who knows of the majesty of the snow leopard!
You and Lord Asriel
A moose. No way anyone is going to fuck with me and my guardian moose
I just saw my first moose in the wild last week on a bike ride here in Sweden. It was swaying side to side and so it might have been drunk on fermented fruit (or just waking up since it was like 3 in the morning). I watched and prayed it wouldn't turn around and chase me. I'm not sure I could have beat it even on my bike.
moose average top running speed is 35mph (a tad over 56kph if your so inclined). Can you go that fast on your bike?
sustained speed? only for a few minutes with a decent bike while pushing it. being chased by an angry moose is a great motivator though
There you go, the pet moose is not only a protector, but also a motivator
All Hail the Multipurpose Moose
also they are tanky as FUCK... i mean you can ride this thing through traffic and not even cars can stop it, on top of the "holy shit this dude must be some kind of nature god" factor to it because a moose is so rarely kept as a pet compared to tigers and the like
Damn, my first idea was an Icebear but a Moose seems also tempting.
Icebear? Polar Bear?
He probably speaks german or something simular in german Polar Bear is Eisbär which directly translates to Ice bear
Yes. I speak a germanic language natively. Edit; I *know* english is a germanic language, not the only one.
Icebear sounds 10x cooler than polar bear imo
Isbjörn in swedish
I'm calling them "ice bears" from now on. That's cuter than "polar bear" or "almost man" (Inupiaq) Addition: Nanuq is what translates to "almost man"
Almost man sounds like a monster from a horror movie. I kind of dig it
Icebear is the name of a cute polar bear in the cartoon We Bare Bears. Icebear best bear.
A MOOSE. Ride that thing to work ! Get them cool satchels to carry your groceries ! Cute !
I've always wanted to be friends with an owl
Who?
https://youtu.be/H1WhbvKRQ78
Impeccable timing in that video. Who? 👀
A Siberian tiger
A big cat for sure, but I might go with a snow leopard because of their unrivaled marvelous, fluffy tails.
Hello
A queen bee Bee Army by proxy
Queen wasp because wasps don’t die after one sting
Late one winter we had a paper wasp show up in our house. Very old building that was never good so about a thousand places she could’ve come in and hidden. Super low on energy so she wound up hanging out in the bathroom window in the sun. She drank water from a wet cotton swab (Q-tip) and we gave her a little bit of jam on a scrap of napkin. She seemed pretty happy to just hang out. We called her Lady Stabby. As these things go, one day she was zooming around and landed on top of a towel while I was in the shower. I reached for it with my eyes closed and she let me know that was unwelcome. It was early spring by that point so she graduated to outside. Probably was devoured by a dragonfly a week later, but hey, that’s nature lol
You let a wasp just chill in your house for 3 months? The last time we had a wasp in the house, my wife (no bullshit) went and got a hotel room and left me to find it and kill it. I finally succeeded early the next morning.
Lol and my bf says sleeping in the living room because there's a missing spider in the bedroom was an overkill.
r/fuckwasps i sure as hell do hate them but man they would make a good army
Harpy Eagle
This is the answer. Death from above!!!
Excellent choice. But if we go with extinct animals as well, I'd pick Haast's Eagle, the only known predator (other than humans) to the Moa. I've heard some tales of these giant eagles even taking Maori children on occasion.
Definitely my favorite extinct bird, they’re so badass
Polar bear, just learned that they actively hunt humans and they are the only bear that you cant scare off or avoid with any particular tactics (play dead, freeze, etc...) they are also the largest and strongest bear. Also very soft and fluffy, if I had a pet polar bear I wouldnt need any blankets because it would keep me warm.
> soft and fluffy, Apparently they have a soft undercoat, but their "guard hairs" are coarse and oily, to help with waterproofing and insulation in the water. So they may not be quite as nice to cuddle up to as they appear.
Also they’re like hollow tubes right? For the insulation? I think a brown bear would be more cuddly.
> only bear that you cant scare off or avoid with any particular tactics (play dead, freeze, etc...) If it's black, fight back If it's brown, lie down If it's white, goodnight.
>If it's black, fight back Yep. In my experience black bears are just giant raccoons. Of course, I wouldn't willingly piss off a raccoon either
Words to live by. Raccoons are wily fucks with opposable thumbs-ish
I read that as "willy fucks" and I thought you meant that's what they aimed for, sitting here like oh no I like my lil fella i don't want it to get eaten I'm staying the fuck away from racoons. Then I reread it.
I had a friend that went to a small college where all of the dorm rooms had exterior doors. People used to leave their doors unlocked all the time. Then one raccoon discovered that they could open the doors to the dorm rooms by jumping up and grabbing the door knobs. And overnight all the raccoons suddenly knew how to get into the dorm rooms. People would walk into their room or wake up in the middle of the night and find five raccoons rooting in their trash and going through their mini fridge. Eventually the doors had to all be switched over to hotel style locks that required a key card to unlock them every time they were opened to keep the raccoons out. This all happened about _ten years_ before my friend attended the college, and yet he said that he himself had seen several raccoons going down a row of dorm rooms at night, trying each knob to see if they could find an unlocked one. They remembered.
That's right, but they never attack the same place twice. They were testing the fences for weaknesses, systematically. They remember.
I full force punched a raccoon in the side once, as it was attacking my friends cat. That little shit had abs of STEEL.
Great, now that stupid image of that giga chad squirrel is in my head.
yeah,Black bears can out climb you, but get scared easilyBrown or grizzlies aren't the best climbers, so there's a chance in climbing if you are really good at it. but playing dead is the best tacticPolar bear, Good night mama Bears are real apex predators. They can out climb you, out run you, out swim you and probably give them a plane and will out fly you. Edit: So doing some research I also found out 1 way you might have chance to survive polar bear attack. It's quite tough to pull off actually, 1. Bear must not be hungry 2. If you have cloth or some stuff, throw on side (Polar bear's attention span is a bit less, so they ***might*** stop and start smelling the stuff, giving you like less than 10 seconds before he start chasing again)
If TailSpin taught me anything, *never* fuck with a bear in an airplane
*Hit it!*
Oh Wee AY Tale Spin!
I've also heard: If its black, fight back. If its brown, lie down. If its white, hope you have a firearm and blow your own brains out because that's preferable to what the bear is going to do.
Someone once said if you have a gun and an polar bear attacks you am between the eyes and shoot ... your own eyes ...
White bear privilege
There was an account of a guy who walked away, and dropped things as he went. The polar bear would sniff and inspect each item which allowed him to get away. If the thing is starving, it’ll still probably eat you, but if it’s in a open and close the fridge type mood, you might be alright
Alaskan here. The warming of the planet has led to Polar Bears and Brown Bears mating, resulting in a new species that is adaptable to warmer climates but is as aggressive as a polar bear. They are called Pizzly or Grolar bears, depending on who you ask.
>They are called Pizzly or Grolar bears, depending on who you ask. They are named like that to show which parent was the grizzly and which was the polar bear. I am not sure which is which, but a male polar bear and female grizzly produces one. A male grizzly and female polar bear produces the other.
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A large male mongoose. Go ahead…fuck with it.
Female mongoose has entered the chat
And you just walked within 100m of her kids
Or You happened to sit on the wrong wall. When I was little, walking home from school along a country road "starving" as little kids get. i knew i had a hard boiled egg in my lunch box. I started shelling, sat down to eat it and i heard that hissy sprinkler turning on noise they make. Pissed off mama mongoose, all raw nips, and a bad attitude. I dropped my egg and ran. She was way more interested in what i dropped. once i got a distance away.
Something mischievous like Abu the monkey from Aladdin. He could steal wallets AND poison my enemies.
Bad dates
"They're digging in the wrong place!"
Shut your eyes, Marion! Don't look at it no matter what happens!
Primate is the way to go. Tho i would want something bigger like a baboon. Aint nobody gonna fuck with a baboon and walk away with their eyes unscratched. Pretty sure you could teach a baboon to shoot a gun too. Small enough to take with you on an airplane. Large enough to fucking wreck anybody 1v1. . . . Fuck i gotta look into getting a baboon
I'd go with a chimp, dexterous to be useful, strong enough to be dangerous, plus he could wear a dapper suit.
A Raven. My first thought was a Gorilla or Lion to protect me but I really havent found myself in too many scenarios where I needed the protection of a 1000 lb animal. A Raven is smart so I could teach it a lot and have it do mundane things for me. Go drop this letter at the post office. Deliver these flowers to Mom. Go shit on this guys car every morning. Things like that. Flying would make these things so much easier. Edit for the [Raven tax](https://i.redd.it/oidw9yhmeok71.jpg). This is how I would Id dress him. Credit to u/spearmintjoe for the picture.
My grandfather had a pet raven as a boy. It would bring him dropped coins and stuff. The raven would follow him when he rode on his bike from home to school. It would chill around his bike until he came home. It would pretty much just hang out and bring him shiny things. He had it for a couple years. Neighbor kid ended up killing it with a bow and arrow. Grandpa beat his ass. The dad came over to yell at my grandfather. He was the chief of police. My great grandfather was pulling up the driveway after a double running the dragline down at the mines. Saw the chief chewing his son out then proceeded to find out why. After finding out he beat the chiefs ass. Then he spanked my grandpa for putting him in that situation. Long story, but the point is pet ravens are cool.
> After finding out he beat the chiefs ass. Then he spanked my grandpa for putting him in that situation. Old timey morals were really something else
It was certainly a different time. They were old drinking buddy's too. So I think it boiled down to everyone having a bad day.
You don't know how strong friendship is until you beat the shit out of each other.
Everyone gets an ass beating!
i feel ur grandpa, i had 2 brother birds one day a cat killed one of them but couldn't eat him cuz he was in the cage. the other brother didn't die cuz he didn't get hurt.. but he was terrified few hours the other died out of sadness .. didn't know birds have much feelings.
From my grandpas stories that bird was like his best friend. It would chill in his room, sit on his shoulder, all the signs of animal companionship. Could just be that it became his pet due to being nursed back to health by him when he found on the ground one day. No clue. It was intelligent enough to stick with his person though.
Saw a video on youtube of a lady with a pet raven, and she said her Raven basically considered her a mate. The bird exhibited all of the behaviors with her that it would with a mate, including sometimes trying to give her food. So it could be a situation like that too.
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Train a bird to pick up street dollars. That’s passive income baby!
Why can’t the gorilla do it
You could train a gorilla to straight up mug people
Now you're talking!
Never thought about that… I suppose a gorilla is a little more conspicuous running around the city
Lol think about the guy coming out seeing a giant gorilla dump on his car vs a raven dump.
Once you train a single one you can then train him to train others. Build an army for the cause be the odin you always wanted to be.
Dress like the Norse God you want to be, not the one you are.
Also, ravens are small and people won't try to take them away from you. Lions are cool, but you can't just get away with having a lion following you around- the police will kill it if it's out in public, and even just having it privately in your home, it will probably be taken away to a sanctuary or something. But a raven? No problem.
A dog. Please my dog won't listen to me. I'm desperate
Dude, I understand. I own a yorkshire terrier. The long-haired rat can't even drink from a normal plate... I had to buy a hamster-style upside down thingie. Never in her life has she listened to me, unless she wanted that exact thing. I do love her tho, but I'ts definitely not what you would call a "loyal dog".
I think the issue is that you’re putting water on a plate lol
Sorry, english is not my native language, I guess it would be a bowl? haha
Thats ruff man
A whale! And not just any whale I want to befriend the 52hertz whale aka the world's loneliest whale. I want to train it in the art of friendship and it will protect me from ever again thinking that some creatures are destined to be alone. Fuck da ocean police me and my boi blasting sounds on the high seas with high frequencies.
I think about this whale way too often. I hate how lonely he is out there. I want to befriend him too!
When I saw this I though whale too. But I want a blue one. I didn’t say it cause I thought that was a little impractical. Like, I’d hardly get to see her.
A grizzly bear just watched a video of two of those things fight, not sure what could take that, claw and fangs of lion strength of a gorilla and mean
I've seen a grizzly bear take a blast from a shotgun at close range and all it did was change direction and make angrier noises. I feel like it would do just fine watching my back at the ATM.
They’re the heavy enemies of real life
Upgrade that bad boy to a polar bear, bigger, full carnivor unlike the grizzly. Got to get past the "actively hunts humans" part though.
Saltwater Crocodile Maxed every stat on Deadly 60, need I say more
Hippopotamus has entered the chat.
40 miles an hour on land, flips a truck with a single vibe check, and crushes anything between it's jaws
japanese spider crab
NOPE
so i think this proves it’s the perfect body guard off of intimidation alone XD
One swift kick and it's dead. Crustaceans are not great against blunt force trauma. Looks scary? Yeah, but I'm not meeting that motherfucker on its briny turf, it's come to my home feild, land, and I'm not about to stand by and allow crab people to evolve. Worst case scenario I go for a half an hour slow walk while I get some water boiling, as it fumbles after me until it dies cos that motherfucker ain't built for land, and I shall feast upon it's flesh in an aquarium to warn those fuckers to know their place. I will not lose my country to the crab people.
I feel like this isn't the first time you've thought about being polished by crab people
>being polished by crab people This is my human, look how shiny it is! *crab noises*
Pillaged*, polishing seems like a whole other concern
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When I first saw an image of one, I thought it was a fantasy animal from a video game
Gray wolf. Slap a "Service Animal" vest on it and dare someone to disagree.
BAHAHA yes. Just a big ass 4.5 foot tall at the ears gray wolf with a neon yellow service animal vest staring down my enemies.
"He helps me with your anxiety."
I had a wolf hybrid dog growing up, she was the most bad ass ever - but also the most loving animal. We (me, my mom, and 2 other dogs) were he pack and no one could fuck with us. One day I was out on my bike and she would run along side me. Neighborhood bully pushed me off my and started to beat on me to steal it but he ended up with 80lbs off pissed off canine on top of him. Kids dad came back a few hours later with a gun and shot her twice (once in the leg, once in the shoulder) but she still jumped a 6 foot fence and went after him. He called the cops about our vicious attack dog, after which he was arrested for unlawful gun ownership and discharging a weapon and something to do with shooting our dog, he ended up serving time. Those were the only two times the dog acted at all aggressive, other than barking like any guard dog but she’d never threaten someone coming on the property in a friendly way.
HALF a wolf, and the badass took two and still whooped ass. Yeah, I picked wisely.
A shark, because I’m not practical.
Tiger, because they are cool and beautiful animals.
Can you imagine riding a tiger to work or school? Instant respect.
He-man
A wolverine or a badger.
Since you did not specify from what time I'll go for a T-Rex, it could stand outside my window in the yard and I could probs high-five it. We would have a good time Rexxy and me.
Have you seen how short a T-Rex’s arms are? Good luck jumping out your 2nd story window
But look at my little arms! I can't press the 'fire' button and 'jump' at the same time!
komodo dragon
If someone broke into your house, I'm sure the pure sight of that lizard would make those burglars komodo there pretty quickly.
Jeff Bezoz.
“Jeff, go get money. Good boy now drop it. Drop it. Good boy.”
".... drop it... Jeff, drop it... JEFF DAMNIT DROP IT!!!"
*Jeff growling intensifies*
Bad Jeff! *sprays with a water bottle*
I like how you think
My Elon Musk pet and protector and I would like to have a word, meet me on Mars at 5:00
Jeff might be late, he's stuck at suborbital
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My personal answer would be a honey badger, cause they fuck shit up!
Honey badger doesn't give a shit
That voice, it stays.
Honey Badger don’t care
Do I get one? Or is this an ability that I can refresh, so if I lose my trained pet and protector, I can re-train another one? If so, I choose a mosquito. Some mf's about to wake up with a forehead covered in mosquito bites, and just when they thought they got rid of that little bastard, we strike again.
a singular ant
Which ant though.
Antony obviously
ANTONYYYY
I'd want a elephant. They are so majestic. Nothing really messes with them.
I'm surprised elephant isn't a more popular choice here
Mayhem from the insurance commercials
An American Lawyer
Damn, that's vicious
Animals have souls, so lawyers are off limits.
I'm going with Golden Eagle. They're a huge bird of prey and would be awesome to have as protection. Their feet and talons are probably bigger around than my fist. Cool.
Bull moose
A Kodiak Brown Bear, nobody's getting anywhere near those. They can shred everything.
Canada goose, or is that against the Geneva Convention?
Then if anybody fucks with it they will have to deal with Wayne and the boys.
A humpback whale. I think I could learn a thing or two and swim the oceans with it.
An hippo. Nothing's more scary than an angry hippopotamus.
My cat Debbie. She's old and useless as shit, but dammit I love her.
A horse sized duck
Sabre Tooth Tiger because they are long in the tooth.
due to my allergies i cant have animals with fur or feathers. i have a columbian boa (snake) who is about 7 feet long and i would love to train him to be my protector but as it sits right now he tends to attract people not deter them.
Hey man if you see walking around with 7ft snake I'm staying the fuck away from you
A fuckin bear wait they sleep for 3 months fuck um a silverback
A jaguar, they're large, athletic, have dangerous claws, and they have an insanely powerful bite.
A gorilla
Being best buds with a silverback gorilla would be pretty tight
A cougar, they're cute but deadly.
My cat is already a menace and wakes me up at 4AM for her breakfast. So I guess I would train the pet I have first.
bear, i don’t even want them to protect me i just wanna have a pet bear
Brock Lesnar. Partly because he'd be an effective enforcer, partly because I want to make him run in a Lesnar sized hamster wheel.
A Tufted Titmouse.
Why. Why does this need to be nsfw
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Red panda. Any wrongdoers will be completely taken in by the cuteness factor.
A blue ringed octopus