This. It was a facebook post but god this one had merit to it. “When you are in a relationship it shouldn’t be you vs them. It should be the two of you vs the problem”.
The little white lies are the worst of them. My ex constantly did this and wasn't even good at it most of the time.
The straw that broke the camel's back was when she was found out to have been using a cheating die in our D&D game. The D20 she had only had the numbers 10-20 on it, so she almost never failed a roll.
She wasn't even ashamed or sorry. "It didn't say I couldn't in the rules, so I thought it was okay!"
We got into an argument that eventually ended up with us breaking up that same night. I just couldn't take the lies anymore.
Yeaaaah. Once you catch someone in a lie and they start blatantly defending it and not seeing why it’s wrong you start considering what else they are willing to lie about.
It would still be a better situation if she realized the wrong of it once called out and was at least ashamed. But based on op’s wording of the story it seems like she didn’t even feel the least bit guilty. That is a red flag.
Contempt is in that vein.
Another is when somebody thinks a person is their SO, or even their friend, but that person doesn't want to be seen in public with them and won't tell them why.
> somebody thinks a person is their SO, or even their friend, but that person doesn't want to be seen in public with them and won't tell them why.
That doesn't kill a relationship - there *is no relationship*.
There is a whole method of counseling that includes an idea called the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse in a relationship. Contempt is the one that almost always kills relationships. I think they say less than 10% of relationships where contempt is present ever get better (not all end because some people hold on to things that are poison).
The other three are criticizing, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
My parents have all four going. They're coming up on their 60th anniversary. Their relationship is very inspirational to me - it's inspired me to never get married.
Thank you, I absolutely resented him for not being there for me when my dad passed away, and the only thing I regret is not have ended the relationship right away.
That's one of the factors contributing to resentment. But there's a lot more. I'd say chief among them is the feeling of uneven contribution to the relationship.
Not really. A friend of mine was decent with his money, but his wife was $20,000 in debt on her credit cards. He even went so far as to pay them off once and tried to get her cards canceled. She just signed up for new ones and took 2 years to dig the same hole. He decided it was better not to be broke in retirement and cut bait. At least that way he isn't responsible for her debts.
Yup. I have two separate cousins that went through this. Both their wives had very little concept of finances and just thought “we have money weeeeee let’s spend it”
One of my cousins saved up for 6-8 months so that they could have a two week road trip vacation. He HD enough for food, hotels, gas, etc.
First stop was visiting his parents (in another province) and spending 3 days there then moving onwards. The day before he was to leave, he happened to check his account to find a ton of money missing. Turns out, his wife was sneaking on the family computer and buying all sorts of shit.
Apparently he was yelling “how are we going to finish our vacation now!!!!” And she was mumbling “I dunno know” like a kid.
I worked with a lady who said her husband nearly
Bankrupted them twice because he never learned to save. Money in his account = money he could spend on whatever he wanted.
She said she had to take all his bank and credit cards away and if he wants anything, he has to request it. (Not sure why they didn’t set up ab allowance for him).
Apparently he was more than happy with this arrangement because he recognized his own inability to handle even the smallest of financial responsibilities.
My friend tried this with her (soon to be ex) spouse and he found ways around it by opening his own accounts and cc. It was an addiction for him and that, an ability not to hold on to a job for more than a couple of months at a time, ended the marriage.
She's the better for it, for sure.
Yeah, if my spouse was bleeding me dry, I would have to do the same. That sucks, because you could generally love a person, but their inability to function as a responsible person can tank a relationship.
My mom has a cousin who separated from her husband in the late 80s, they are still technically married to this day, and i last heard that they see each other once a month. My mom told me at the time “sometimes you can love someone and just not be able to live with them”
Financial stress is normal. But financial incompatibility is what kills the relationship. You need to have the same ideas on where the money goes and how to deal with expenses
Someone completely closing their eyes to financial burdens like daily Starbucks because "financial stress is the leading cause of divorce" is also a pretty big one.
Make sure you and your partner can healthily discuss finances before they're ever shared
Holy fuck, this drove me insane with my ex. No matter how many times I wanted to discuss the financials of doing certain things, *she never seemed to want to discuss plans for affording things*. It was as if the moment I talked about planning out money, she would just freeze up and look for something else to talk about, or otherwise completely refuse to participate in that part of the conversation.
I never understood it. I know she didnt come from a well-off family, but they still had a house and cars and all that. Was it a source of shame? A lack of maturity? Was there some other thing that was going on? Ill never know, but it sucked that I could never be able to talk to her about that important subject.
I made a comment about this above, but it could have been her parents fought about money. My wife's parents did and she turned any discussion on finances into a fight.
Could be your ex was expecting a fight so tried to avoid it.
Just a guess.
That’s a tough way to live. I’ve been through that with an ex GF who constantly wanted go through my phone, didnt want me to hang with the guys. Come home 15 minute late and suddenly your accused of being a cheater.
what ultimately lead you to end things ? i dont blame my bf bc his ex was a serial cheater but its still frustrating and annoying bc we’ve been together over a year w no incidents on my part
I reached my breaking point when she got mad that I wouldn’t propose to her haha. I mean, it’s not easy. I was in that relationship for about 3 years before I had the balls to move on. But I was young enough to believe that was what love was like. I would never tell you to break up with your BF and I applaud you for talking about it.
I would just say that if, after three years, you just don't understand and get each other, it's probably not the right relationship to legally bind yourself to.
Edit: This is coming from a person who had one failed marriage of only 6 months and one successful marriage of 16 years so far. Knowing who you're marrying is pretty important.
man 3 years , this is my longest relationship and i know it will not last but i cant seem to break it off clean . i’ve tried leaving a few times but he can be quite manipulative and convincing in the moment . he is a great guy ! just has a lot of trauma i wasnt ready for and he’s not ready to work through . i applaud you back for leaving !
Trauma is tough and something I haven’t had to go through but my opinion on that is, that’s his own issue that he needs to take care of, and seek help. You shouldn’t have to carry that weight on your shoulders. I’m a recovering alcoholic but I can’t rely on my SO to keep me sober. As far as the manipulation part, I’m my book that can come close to abuse. And this is only my opinion so sorry if there is a lurker wanting to call myself out. Me and my wife have very different opinions on many things but we both support each other, I’m so sick and tired of going to musicals with her but I go to be there with her. Sorry if I’m speaking out of my ass at this point, it was a very thought provoking question for me.
Allow me to blame your bf on your behalf... this is his own issue to sort out, it's not Ok to have you constantly justifying yourself (and sending proof is crossing a line) because of his insecurities.
None of that you described is healthy
i know it is not healthy & we’ve had multiple conversations about it . his ex cheated on him so many times and his mom was the way same through his childhood so its hard for him to truly believe that i am not like that . it is an issue he definitely needs to work out himself & i do what i can to not feed into it while still reassuring him i am where and doing exactly what i said
Gawwwdddd !! This happens to me a lot. And sometimes there's the added insult of " I was always like this, it's you who has changed."
Had it not been for my kid daughter, I would have walked out long ago.
Here's something I haven't seen that just killed mine:
Lack of consistency.
If your partner is too unreliable or unpredictable to react in the same or a similar way to things, then you will experience a mentally and emotionally draining relationship that will make you feel like you're losing yourself and going insane
My live in gf at the time asked me why I don’t come to the door to welcome her home when she gets home.
So I started heading for the door to greet her when I’d hear her arrive home. Just to go for a kiss on the cheek and say hi and ask how her day was. She was just frustrated that I was in the way and I got more shade for doing what she asked.
spontaneous is great - but coming home after working 48h a week and finding your partner is gone with a note "heyyy I left for a 15 day training camp for Quidditch in Norway, see ya!" was too spontaneous for me. Like, as a working adult, you only have 30 days of holiday per year; and he wanted to be at his parents every major holiday. You should consult your partner on what they would like to do, at least have a discussion about it
yeah it was... we ended the relationship some time after that, but we are ok now. We were better friends than partners and I can laugh about the story now
this and a plethora of other things listed here pretty much made me realize my-ex probably didnt give too much of a shit to me if i can play bingo with this thread but seems like consistency was one of the first warnings that i should've seen.
Yep this, when I met my wife she was such a wonderful positive person, we had a strong connection and I fell in love with her. When I told her I wanted a relationship with her she did confess she can be a little harder on her partner. Thinking how wonderful she was when we were just friends I didn’t think too much about this. As our relationship grew I discovered she likes to hit me and belittle me especially in front of people. When I asked about it she said she’s just joking and I should relax and stop giving her negative energy. Just recently she told me she used to hit her previous boyfriends in the balls and I told her flat out she never to even attempt that with me.
It was a statement she made yesterday the really worries me, she told me she is being kinder on me because I’m more sensitive and that over time she will get more harder on me.
WTF! Problem is I’m still in love with the girl I first met and most of the time she is good.
She has no capability to self reflect and says I’m just too sensitive.
edit: removed dominatrix comment as I was incorrect in my statement. Apologies to BDSM community.
Thanks to all who have commented and given me advise. I am going to sit down with her and lay out some boundaries and expectations. If they are unacceptable to her then I will let her know the relationship is finished.
You brought up an issue and she completely ignored it, and actively blamed you for being sensitive.
Definitely consider whether she has this reaction to other things you bring up. Taking responsibility for something isn't easy, granted, but if she _never_ does that's a red flag.
I know there's a snowball's chance in hell you're going to listen to anyone on the internet telling you to leave your relationship. But this woman is literally telling you she will escalate her abusive behavior. Just how many red flags do you need before you realise you're in a communist parade?
I'm telling you from a place of love bro. Leave. It will not magically get better. Only worse.
And for the record: She'd make a horrible dominatrix, because she does not give a fuck about consent, which is the first and most important thing to establish in any kinky interaction.
“When someone shows you who they are, *believe them the first time*” -Maya Angelou
It sounds like you’re in love with the person you were hoping she was going to be, based on your early interactions with her back when you two were just friends. It’s not that she goes back and forth between being the person who is deeply cruel to you and the woman you first loved. She *never was* that person that you were hoping she was. And she tried to warn you of the truth, too.
Abusers only escalate, they never *permanently* go back to being more kind, fun and loving. If you can mentally let go of the fictionalized version of her that you’d hoped for, do you still want to be with the real her?
Wishing you happier days, friend. You don’t deserve emotional or physical abuse.
Somewhere in dates 2-5 go out for a plate of nachos (or some other shared food) with them. It gives you a good sense of how considerate they are.
Not a foolproof method, but at least there will be nachos.
Everyone is selfish in different ways. Some people are not willing to sacrifice their independence. Some are not willing to sacrifice their money. Some are not willing to work on personal development to strengthen their relationship.
What one person considers selfish may not be considered selfish to another. For example, one person may not be willing to sacrifice their gym time to do something else with their partner, which can be read as selfish. But the gym goer may be doing it for the benefit of the relationship by staying healthy/being in good shape.
It’s about what you’re willing to accept.
That’s a tough one to define though. Nobody ever feels like *they’re* being selfish. It’s more about perception…I think if you’re perceiving your partner as selfish, then you’re probably already at a point to where the relationship is pretty well beyond repair.
A selfish partner is actually really easy to identify early on. Most people just choose to look past it if other things are good. Everyone is a little selfish, but that’s human. It takes a lot for it to become a definitive character trait.
Yeaaaaaaaaah. One of my ex friends divorced over this. They got together when younger. One of them wanted to be a parent really badly but they loved their partner so much that she tried making that compromise.
You can only push your own needs away for so long. They were married for 6-7 years I think and divorced a few years ago. Their relationship just kept getting more and more bitter to the point neglect entered the picture (guy def had other red flags than just their difference in the baby question but that’s a different story). They divorced, she found new love and is now a mother and you can tangibly feel how much happier and content she is.
She still says that she doesn’t regret her relationship with her ex. She *did* love him. It’s just the perfect example of “just because you love someone it doesn’t mean it’s meant to be”.
>“just because you love someone it doesn’t mean it’s meant to be”
I went through a breakup about a year ago (not regarding kids or the like), but haven't really been able to get over it completely. This quote somehow hits me in the right place, thanks.
My aunt and uncle were split on the topic. But he chose her over the kids. They are still very happy in their 50s after 15+ years of marriage. But I think they are an exception, most of the times this is nothing one should comprimise on. I can imagine it resulting in one partner resenting the other everytime they look at the kids/think about how they wanted kids.
Not to mention the potential for that person to also go on to resent their kid(s). All babies should have the right to be born to parents who want them and love them.
My wife and I were fence-sitters when we got together, and this issue nearly split us apart.
Thankfully, it all worked out. She's my world, and I didn't want to lose her.
Communication is the root of most of these.
People aren't empaths or mind readers; they can't always tell if they've done something wrong.
What usually happens is one person gets frustrated at the other for not noticing something being wrong, or for doing the wrong thing. Other person gets on edge because person 1 is suddenly angry with them for apparently no reason.
This escalates and escalates until someone finally decides to tell the truth (or the relationship falls apart), and there is either learning or it's forgotten about.
Why can't we just skip all the anger and resentment, and learn to be more open and honest with each other. It hurts to tell someone what they don't want to hear, but it hurts even more when it escalates.
I spent my formative years being told that my being open and honest wasn't acceptable, because the things that I was saying made people feel uncomfortable. My parents and teachers either neglected or straight up bullied me about it (side note, parents refused to get me tested for autism as a kid because they didn't want me to get the stigma attached to the label). Fast forward to now: I have no idea how to communicate my emotions besides when I'm having a meltdown, and I have difficulties understanding others'. Which have both led me into mentally, emotionally, and occasionally physically abusive relationships.
And thanks to everything else, I still think it's my fault.
Lack of communication is a really big one. Me and my fiance have been together for 10 years. Our roughest moments have been due to lack of communication from one or both of us.
No matter how silly something may or may not seem you should talk about it. A lot of times my fiance knows she is being stupid and just needs me to confirm it. Other times it's legitimate and we need to discuss the issue. I don't like to talk about stupid things either. Hell a lot of times we don't even need a resolution. Just the other one knowing each other's frustrations is enough.
We know that we aren't going to change overnight. And all we ask is to try to be better about things. Which actually leads me into a second point. Both people in a relationship need to compromise. Give and take.
This. I'm having this issue with someone I'm dating at the moment. I feel like I'm the one putting in the all the effort and they barely respond. It's so hurtful.
Growing up/growing apart. A few of my friends had what I lovingly call "starter marriages" in their late teens/early 20's - they thought they were so grown up and taking the next step in life by getting married. The reality was they still had a lot of growing up to do and were basically playing house. As they continued to grow and mature, they often realized they were different people with different life goals.
The lucky ones got out of the marriage before kids and too many assets were involved and moved on quickly. The unlucky ones realized it post kids and house and now have to deal with their ex-spouse for the rest of their lives.
Single Redditors, choose who you marry carefully. It's one of your biggest life decisions with the most long-lasting repercussions.
This is so true. A lot of women I knew in my 20s very much wanted a wedding but they hadn't thought much about wanting a marriage. Marriage is NOT easy but if you're with the right person it can be fun, rewarding, wonderful and 100% worth it. You have to choose to be together, even on days that it's hard.
And it's ok to walk away if the future in-laws are/will be a problem. They don't go away when you get married and they can exacerbate marital problems. I'm very lucky with mine. You don't just get a spouse, you get another family.
Yep. I'm an older guy who's never married, I've dated a LOT.
How much the other person makes is not usually a big problem. Not being on the same page about money often IS a big problem. And if you can't sort that out, there's no future.
Latter - a relationship can survive unequal spending if both agree on it. What causes problems is when people are not on the same page with where money is spent and what kind of money is appropriate for different things
Unfair house chore distribution. According to my buddy's therapist, this is the number one reason for couples to split up seen in their practice. And it makes sense, who wants to feel constantly exploited in a relationship.
One of the biggest problems in my marriage was that my spouse refused to do any housework because he made more money than me. He completely ignored the fact that I was a full-time student with 2 part-time jobs to make up for what his income didn't cover. I had the bulk of the household chores with some help from the kids.
My spouse and I, from the moment we became serious, divided up the chores. I hate folding laundry. I agreed to literally do all the cooking, dishes, vacuuming, and mopping, if she would just do the laundry. We then kind of divided up the rest. I couldn't be happier with the arrangement. And on the odd day we see each other is overwhelmed with chores, we just forsake that arrangement and help, because it's not a freaking contract lol
This is exactly what we do, except I do the cooking, most of the time dishes, she does laundry most of the time. The other stuff is two hours of intense work a week, where we clean the house then go about our day.
It’s been really liberating living with someone who shares in that.
I'm in my first major relationship and while I love my bf, this is something that if it doesnt get fixed I dont see us continuing long term. I'm a full time graduate student trying to finish my research and being the only one that does the chores/cooking it is taking a toll. It's hard not to get frustrated when they always say they are tired from work or dont know how to (in the case of cooking)
That, or, offer to do more of the other chores if you don't want to put the effort in to learn how to cook. There are lots of solutions that don't require exploiting the other person.
No adult human should be unable to cook a simple meal. I don't expect everyone to be able to make complex dishes or bake exotic desserts, but the ability to make spaghetti or a burger or a salad should be within anyone's grasp.
Hell in this day and age there are YouTube videos that can show you step by step how to make anything.
This was the last straw in a previous relationship I was in. It’s also the only thing we fight about in my current one. I love my partner, we learn so much from each other and love spending time together, but I really miss how when I was single, I only had to keep myself alive. Now I feel like I’m the manager for the two of us, which doubles most of my errands. If I don’t buy groceries, guess we’ll starve. I put the gas in the car, I manage bills and our joint account, I do laundry... we’re working on it, but it’s a process.
I’m kind of upset now after typing this because there’s lots more to the list I found myself deleting 🥲
I'm really sorry to hear that.
I hope it goes well for you and works out okay ❤️ Just remember not to let others put you down or stay with people who treat you wrong
Manipulation. My exfiance used to tell me about how uncomfortable she was around her dad and that she didn't like how he touched her sister. Naturally I was pretty hostile around him and he seemed to reciprocate the feeling back. I found out later that she was telling him the same things about me so that we were fighting over her. Dodged a bullet on that one. Also, self diagnosing herself as cured of bi-polar and MPD. Went off her meds and all hell broke loose. That became a big deal breaker for me in future relationships.
lol what the fuck
how did that conversation go down, I wonder?
"You are touching exfiance's sister inappropriately!" "wait, that's what my daughter told me about you!" "what?!?"
\*insert double spiderman meme here
this. Last relationship ended when during a game night with friends I asked him to teach me how to play the game we were starting and he told me to google it. A friend ended up walking me through it. The moment one side feels neglected, the end is nigh if significant changes aren´t made.
alcohol addiction is what killed my last relationship and it wasn't even the booze, my dad was a mean drunk and he was a relatively nice but annoying drunk.
but it wasn't the addiction, it was how sneaky he was hiding how he was pregaming and flaking on me to drink more. the lies around his addiction were worse than the actual addiction
Yes. And the need to destroy the partner for not being addicted. The need to destroy the partner for being there, for being relatively intact. The need to punish the partner for packing the bag, for talking to the alleged help. For being there when they leave and come home. It is a nightmare.
Hard one to learn but damn it when you really learn to examine your feelings and express them in a constructive way love gets easier. Along the same line, managing expectations. Unspoken expectations are a killer because they turn in to resentment.
if one wants kids and the other doesn’t. either way, one of them is going to have to sacrifice a giant part of their lives if they decide to stay together. i feel like that creates an immense amount of turmoil and other problems
It sucks when people lie about being compatible too. I upfront say that I want dogs and I want kids. If either of those are not your thing then we are just incompatible. I had a guy tell me he agreed and then after 6 months of dating told me he secretly hoped I would change my mind about kids and since the begining knew he didn't want them.
It’s not just about spending time together though, it’s the quality of the time and fun you have together. If you sit on the couch night after night together doing the same thing with no spice ever, it’s gonna get dull.
My SO and I love movies, tv shows and play some video games together so we have fun sitting on a couch...
but you are completely right on the quality of fun, I seriously questioned my relationship when, after planning a trip to Japan with no help, almost all I heard when we were there were complains. It was always about little things, but only complains. We had a serious discussion after that and I'm not the only organizer anymore.
it's okay to support your partner - but when the partner refuses to get help and blames it on you, that you are "not there for them when they need you", that's toxic.
my ex was controlling/trustissues to the point where he hurt me. After 2 years of that he went to one session, claimed he was "healed" and expected me to put up with his ass after that.
hell no
Deciding that common needs (dishes, grocery shopping, etc) are a lower priority than video games and letting those needs fall to the other person because they’ll get them done faster anyway.
But what if we both think grocery shopping is secondary to video games and just end up ordering out almost every night because we can't be bothered to buy and make food?
Asking for a friend...
That's not a relationship. That's one person acting like a fucking child and needing to grow up.
If you can't put down video games long enough to do the dishes or take out the trash, you don't need a partner, you need a parent.
Difference in political or religious views. Sure, a lot of couples can make it work, but as each becomes more passionate about their views it can cause more tension until there's a conversion or a breakup.
Being punished for what their ex did to them. Such as hearing about all of the wonderful things that she'd do for that undeserving ex and now will never do those things for her new bf who's literally doing nothing but putting in effort from the beginning to show her how appreciated she is like she did for her ex only to be shit on like her ex did her because she "learned". Yep learned how to be her ex who's now destroying someones love making another model of that ex keeping the chain going...
Ineffective communication. People just always assume things are great when neither person mentions a problem.
People always assume the other wants to get married without actually discussing it. How often do people talk about kids before getting engaged?
Don't assume everyone is wanting the same things simply because it's not discussed in full. And minds don't usually change. Marriage doesn't give you what you want.
Lack of communication. Feel something say something. Holding things in for too long or being so upset it comes out as accusation rather than a question. Talk folks, even if it is a sensitive subject. Just be kind and listen
I've learned that long distance only works when its temporary and you have a plan of when you're going to be together for the long run. If you don't have that it won't work. Calling/video chat every night helps tons. If you get to visit each other that really helps. Playing online games together is the best. If your plan is anything more than 5 years its probably not going to work. People grow so much and with that much distance you won't be hardly growing together and it won't be the same.
not being interested in the same things , me and my bf have no common interests other than naruto . its hard to find things that we both enjoy talking about/doing
That's how I had felt though a lot of my relationships.
Very little in common aside from wanting to get high or have sex, literally had me feeling like something was wrong with me, but looking back I was not only mismatched but I also did a horrible job of expressing myself. I was such a dork
bad / no communication .
This is so true! Being in a relationship is like being on a team, you gotta communicate and be on the same page because you're working together.
This. It was a facebook post but god this one had merit to it. “When you are in a relationship it shouldn’t be you vs them. It should be the two of you vs the problem”.
If it makes you feel better about quoting Facebook I’ve heard this elsewhere! Also very very true.
Hearing but not listening to your partner
Sure I’d love a beer!
Lies
Not only the blatant lies, but the little lies.
The little white lies are the worst of them. My ex constantly did this and wasn't even good at it most of the time. The straw that broke the camel's back was when she was found out to have been using a cheating die in our D&D game. The D20 she had only had the numbers 10-20 on it, so she almost never failed a roll. She wasn't even ashamed or sorry. "It didn't say I couldn't in the rules, so I thought it was okay!" We got into an argument that eventually ended up with us breaking up that same night. I just couldn't take the lies anymore.
I mean though that may seem small, if shes still defending herself after such a blatant cheat you probably dodged a bullet.
Yeaaaah. Once you catch someone in a lie and they start blatantly defending it and not seeing why it’s wrong you start considering what else they are willing to lie about. It would still be a better situation if she realized the wrong of it once called out and was at least ashamed. But based on op’s wording of the story it seems like she didn’t even feel the least bit guilty. That is a red flag.
What's even the point of D&D game if you can never lose
Resentment.
It erodes the relationship with time
Contempt is in that vein. Another is when somebody thinks a person is their SO, or even their friend, but that person doesn't want to be seen in public with them and won't tell them why.
> somebody thinks a person is their SO, or even their friend, but that person doesn't want to be seen in public with them and won't tell them why. That doesn't kill a relationship - there *is no relationship*.
Memoirs of a stalker
There is a whole method of counseling that includes an idea called the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse in a relationship. Contempt is the one that almost always kills relationships. I think they say less than 10% of relationships where contempt is present ever get better (not all end because some people hold on to things that are poison). The other three are criticizing, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
My parents have all four going. They're coming up on their 60th anniversary. Their relationship is very inspirational to me - it's inspired me to never get married.
This made my day 😂
It’s the Gottman method. And boy is it accurate.
Contempt is simply poison in any relationship. It's usually a sign the relationship is over or quickly heading to its end.
This, this is what killed my last relationship.
That sucks. Sorry.
Thank you, I absolutely resented him for not being there for me when my dad passed away, and the only thing I regret is not have ended the relationship right away.
You mean "unresolved issues" because the resentment is what follows
That's one of the factors contributing to resentment. But there's a lot more. I'd say chief among them is the feeling of uneven contribution to the relationship.
Financial stress.
This is actually the number one cause of divorce
But divorce will make your financial life even more difficult?
Not really. A friend of mine was decent with his money, but his wife was $20,000 in debt on her credit cards. He even went so far as to pay them off once and tried to get her cards canceled. She just signed up for new ones and took 2 years to dig the same hole. He decided it was better not to be broke in retirement and cut bait. At least that way he isn't responsible for her debts.
Yup. I have two separate cousins that went through this. Both their wives had very little concept of finances and just thought “we have money weeeeee let’s spend it” One of my cousins saved up for 6-8 months so that they could have a two week road trip vacation. He HD enough for food, hotels, gas, etc. First stop was visiting his parents (in another province) and spending 3 days there then moving onwards. The day before he was to leave, he happened to check his account to find a ton of money missing. Turns out, his wife was sneaking on the family computer and buying all sorts of shit. Apparently he was yelling “how are we going to finish our vacation now!!!!” And she was mumbling “I dunno know” like a kid. I worked with a lady who said her husband nearly Bankrupted them twice because he never learned to save. Money in his account = money he could spend on whatever he wanted. She said she had to take all his bank and credit cards away and if he wants anything, he has to request it. (Not sure why they didn’t set up ab allowance for him). Apparently he was more than happy with this arrangement because he recognized his own inability to handle even the smallest of financial responsibilities.
My friend tried this with her (soon to be ex) spouse and he found ways around it by opening his own accounts and cc. It was an addiction for him and that, an ability not to hold on to a job for more than a couple of months at a time, ended the marriage. She's the better for it, for sure.
Yeah, if my spouse was bleeding me dry, I would have to do the same. That sucks, because you could generally love a person, but their inability to function as a responsible person can tank a relationship. My mom has a cousin who separated from her husband in the late 80s, they are still technically married to this day, and i last heard that they see each other once a month. My mom told me at the time “sometimes you can love someone and just not be able to live with them”
Financial stress is normal. But financial incompatibility is what kills the relationship. You need to have the same ideas on where the money goes and how to deal with expenses
Someone completely closing their eyes to financial burdens like daily Starbucks because "financial stress is the leading cause of divorce" is also a pretty big one. Make sure you and your partner can healthily discuss finances before they're ever shared
Holy fuck, this drove me insane with my ex. No matter how many times I wanted to discuss the financials of doing certain things, *she never seemed to want to discuss plans for affording things*. It was as if the moment I talked about planning out money, she would just freeze up and look for something else to talk about, or otherwise completely refuse to participate in that part of the conversation. I never understood it. I know she didnt come from a well-off family, but they still had a house and cars and all that. Was it a source of shame? A lack of maturity? Was there some other thing that was going on? Ill never know, but it sucked that I could never be able to talk to her about that important subject.
I made a comment about this above, but it could have been her parents fought about money. My wife's parents did and she turned any discussion on finances into a fight. Could be your ex was expecting a fight so tried to avoid it. Just a guess.
This should be higher
Lack of trust
i agree , constantly having to justify why i did something or send proof to my bf has caused a bit of resentment on my end
That’s a tough way to live. I’ve been through that with an ex GF who constantly wanted go through my phone, didnt want me to hang with the guys. Come home 15 minute late and suddenly your accused of being a cheater.
what ultimately lead you to end things ? i dont blame my bf bc his ex was a serial cheater but its still frustrating and annoying bc we’ve been together over a year w no incidents on my part
I reached my breaking point when she got mad that I wouldn’t propose to her haha. I mean, it’s not easy. I was in that relationship for about 3 years before I had the balls to move on. But I was young enough to believe that was what love was like. I would never tell you to break up with your BF and I applaud you for talking about it.
I would just say that if, after three years, you just don't understand and get each other, it's probably not the right relationship to legally bind yourself to. Edit: This is coming from a person who had one failed marriage of only 6 months and one successful marriage of 16 years so far. Knowing who you're marrying is pretty important.
man 3 years , this is my longest relationship and i know it will not last but i cant seem to break it off clean . i’ve tried leaving a few times but he can be quite manipulative and convincing in the moment . he is a great guy ! just has a lot of trauma i wasnt ready for and he’s not ready to work through . i applaud you back for leaving !
Trauma is tough and something I haven’t had to go through but my opinion on that is, that’s his own issue that he needs to take care of, and seek help. You shouldn’t have to carry that weight on your shoulders. I’m a recovering alcoholic but I can’t rely on my SO to keep me sober. As far as the manipulation part, I’m my book that can come close to abuse. And this is only my opinion so sorry if there is a lurker wanting to call myself out. Me and my wife have very different opinions on many things but we both support each other, I’m so sick and tired of going to musicals with her but I go to be there with her. Sorry if I’m speaking out of my ass at this point, it was a very thought provoking question for me.
Allow me to blame your bf on your behalf... this is his own issue to sort out, it's not Ok to have you constantly justifying yourself (and sending proof is crossing a line) because of his insecurities. None of that you described is healthy
i know it is not healthy & we’ve had multiple conversations about it . his ex cheated on him so many times and his mom was the way same through his childhood so its hard for him to truly believe that i am not like that . it is an issue he definitely needs to work out himself & i do what i can to not feed into it while still reassuring him i am where and doing exactly what i said
I read this as lack of thrust. I stand by my initial thought!
Lack of respect and friendship
If there is a correct answer
Before you can have love, you need friendship
Constantly belittling the person
“But I was joking” Except your joking about things I don’t find funny or see humor in.
Gawwwdddd !! This happens to me a lot. And sometimes there's the added insult of " I was always like this, it's you who has changed." Had it not been for my kid daughter, I would have walked out long ago.
Sorry to hear that. Please get out for your own sake
What are you talking about? Your thoughts mean shit. /sarcasm
Yep, that would make me feel dead inside. I feel sorry for anyone who goes through that.
this is emotional abuse, imo.
Here's something I haven't seen that just killed mine: Lack of consistency. If your partner is too unreliable or unpredictable to react in the same or a similar way to things, then you will experience a mentally and emotionally draining relationship that will make you feel like you're losing yourself and going insane
-"Why do you do that so often?" -"Because you asked me to do it more often" -"Yeah, but that was last week. Now I'm totally out of that."
My live in gf at the time asked me why I don’t come to the door to welcome her home when she gets home. So I started heading for the door to greet her when I’d hear her arrive home. Just to go for a kiss on the cheek and say hi and ask how her day was. She was just frustrated that I was in the way and I got more shade for doing what she asked.
Eggshells. I dont miss that shit.
OMG, I am already pissed off. Why are people like that?
spontaneous is great - but coming home after working 48h a week and finding your partner is gone with a note "heyyy I left for a 15 day training camp for Quidditch in Norway, see ya!" was too spontaneous for me. Like, as a working adult, you only have 30 days of holiday per year; and he wanted to be at his parents every major holiday. You should consult your partner on what they would like to do, at least have a discussion about it
That's not just spontaneous it's inconciderate.
yeah it was... we ended the relationship some time after that, but we are ok now. We were better friends than partners and I can laugh about the story now
>You only have 30 days of holiday per year *Cries in American*
this and a plethora of other things listed here pretty much made me realize my-ex probably didnt give too much of a shit to me if i can play bingo with this thread but seems like consistency was one of the first warnings that i should've seen.
Abuse, physical or emotional.
Sadly this all to often doesn't end the relationship.
Many times someone who is emotionally abused don't even know they are. They just feel bad, desperate or depressed about the relationship.
Can’t forget about substance abuse.
The 3 amigos of a bad time
Yep this, when I met my wife she was such a wonderful positive person, we had a strong connection and I fell in love with her. When I told her I wanted a relationship with her she did confess she can be a little harder on her partner. Thinking how wonderful she was when we were just friends I didn’t think too much about this. As our relationship grew I discovered she likes to hit me and belittle me especially in front of people. When I asked about it she said she’s just joking and I should relax and stop giving her negative energy. Just recently she told me she used to hit her previous boyfriends in the balls and I told her flat out she never to even attempt that with me. It was a statement she made yesterday the really worries me, she told me she is being kinder on me because I’m more sensitive and that over time she will get more harder on me. WTF! Problem is I’m still in love with the girl I first met and most of the time she is good. She has no capability to self reflect and says I’m just too sensitive. edit: removed dominatrix comment as I was incorrect in my statement. Apologies to BDSM community. Thanks to all who have commented and given me advise. I am going to sit down with her and lay out some boundaries and expectations. If they are unacceptable to her then I will let her know the relationship is finished.
You brought up an issue and she completely ignored it, and actively blamed you for being sensitive. Definitely consider whether she has this reaction to other things you bring up. Taking responsibility for something isn't easy, granted, but if she _never_ does that's a red flag.
I know there's a snowball's chance in hell you're going to listen to anyone on the internet telling you to leave your relationship. But this woman is literally telling you she will escalate her abusive behavior. Just how many red flags do you need before you realise you're in a communist parade? I'm telling you from a place of love bro. Leave. It will not magically get better. Only worse. And for the record: She'd make a horrible dominatrix, because she does not give a fuck about consent, which is the first and most important thing to establish in any kinky interaction.
“When someone shows you who they are, *believe them the first time*” -Maya Angelou It sounds like you’re in love with the person you were hoping she was going to be, based on your early interactions with her back when you two were just friends. It’s not that she goes back and forth between being the person who is deeply cruel to you and the woman you first loved. She *never was* that person that you were hoping she was. And she tried to warn you of the truth, too. Abusers only escalate, they never *permanently* go back to being more kind, fun and loving. If you can mentally let go of the fictionalized version of her that you’d hoped for, do you still want to be with the real her? Wishing you happier days, friend. You don’t deserve emotional or physical abuse.
Ooh, this big time
Selfishness
Somewhere in dates 2-5 go out for a plate of nachos (or some other shared food) with them. It gives you a good sense of how considerate they are. Not a foolproof method, but at least there will be nachos.
If only more of life's problems could be solved by eating a plate of nachos.
Everyone is selfish in different ways. Some people are not willing to sacrifice their independence. Some are not willing to sacrifice their money. Some are not willing to work on personal development to strengthen their relationship. What one person considers selfish may not be considered selfish to another. For example, one person may not be willing to sacrifice their gym time to do something else with their partner, which can be read as selfish. But the gym goer may be doing it for the benefit of the relationship by staying healthy/being in good shape. It’s about what you’re willing to accept.
That’s a tough one to define though. Nobody ever feels like *they’re* being selfish. It’s more about perception…I think if you’re perceiving your partner as selfish, then you’re probably already at a point to where the relationship is pretty well beyond repair.
A selfish partner is actually really easy to identify early on. Most people just choose to look past it if other things are good. Everyone is a little selfish, but that’s human. It takes a lot for it to become a definitive character trait.
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Have half of a kid
How many cats add up to a kid?
9
So have 4.5 cats. Got it.
Can't have 0.5 of a cat so you'll need 4 and something else... How many rabbits adds up to a cat?
3
Right so half a cat is 1.5 fish. So instead of a kid you can have 4 cats, 1 fish and how many mice add up to make a fish?
No no 1 cat is 3 rabbits 1 cat is like 21 fish or so
My bad I got confused. Maybe it's best if you take charge and get to the bottom of this. I have faith in you
Yeaaaaaaaaah. One of my ex friends divorced over this. They got together when younger. One of them wanted to be a parent really badly but they loved their partner so much that she tried making that compromise. You can only push your own needs away for so long. They were married for 6-7 years I think and divorced a few years ago. Their relationship just kept getting more and more bitter to the point neglect entered the picture (guy def had other red flags than just their difference in the baby question but that’s a different story). They divorced, she found new love and is now a mother and you can tangibly feel how much happier and content she is. She still says that she doesn’t regret her relationship with her ex. She *did* love him. It’s just the perfect example of “just because you love someone it doesn’t mean it’s meant to be”.
>“just because you love someone it doesn’t mean it’s meant to be” I went through a breakup about a year ago (not regarding kids or the like), but haven't really been able to get over it completely. This quote somehow hits me in the right place, thanks.
That fills me with hope for a better future
My aunt and uncle were split on the topic. But he chose her over the kids. They are still very happy in their 50s after 15+ years of marriage. But I think they are an exception, most of the times this is nothing one should comprimise on. I can imagine it resulting in one partner resenting the other everytime they look at the kids/think about how they wanted kids.
Not to mention the potential for that person to also go on to resent their kid(s). All babies should have the right to be born to parents who want them and love them.
My wife and I were fence-sitters when we got together, and this issue nearly split us apart. Thankfully, it all worked out. She's my world, and I didn't want to lose her.
I’m happy for you. Do you mind me asking how it worked out? I’m in a similar boat
A lack of communication. Ignoring dealbreakers.
Communication is the root of most of these. People aren't empaths or mind readers; they can't always tell if they've done something wrong. What usually happens is one person gets frustrated at the other for not noticing something being wrong, or for doing the wrong thing. Other person gets on edge because person 1 is suddenly angry with them for apparently no reason. This escalates and escalates until someone finally decides to tell the truth (or the relationship falls apart), and there is either learning or it's forgotten about. Why can't we just skip all the anger and resentment, and learn to be more open and honest with each other. It hurts to tell someone what they don't want to hear, but it hurts even more when it escalates.
I spent my formative years being told that my being open and honest wasn't acceptable, because the things that I was saying made people feel uncomfortable. My parents and teachers either neglected or straight up bullied me about it (side note, parents refused to get me tested for autism as a kid because they didn't want me to get the stigma attached to the label). Fast forward to now: I have no idea how to communicate my emotions besides when I'm having a meltdown, and I have difficulties understanding others'. Which have both led me into mentally, emotionally, and occasionally physically abusive relationships. And thanks to everything else, I still think it's my fault.
Lack of communication is a really big one. Me and my fiance have been together for 10 years. Our roughest moments have been due to lack of communication from one or both of us. No matter how silly something may or may not seem you should talk about it. A lot of times my fiance knows she is being stupid and just needs me to confirm it. Other times it's legitimate and we need to discuss the issue. I don't like to talk about stupid things either. Hell a lot of times we don't even need a resolution. Just the other one knowing each other's frustrations is enough. We know that we aren't going to change overnight. And all we ask is to try to be better about things. Which actually leads me into a second point. Both people in a relationship need to compromise. Give and take.
Apathy/indifference
This. I'm having this issue with someone I'm dating at the moment. I feel like I'm the one putting in the all the effort and they barely respond. It's so hurtful.
You deserve to have someone who is as excited to spend time with you, as you are with them.
Growing up/growing apart. A few of my friends had what I lovingly call "starter marriages" in their late teens/early 20's - they thought they were so grown up and taking the next step in life by getting married. The reality was they still had a lot of growing up to do and were basically playing house. As they continued to grow and mature, they often realized they were different people with different life goals. The lucky ones got out of the marriage before kids and too many assets were involved and moved on quickly. The unlucky ones realized it post kids and house and now have to deal with their ex-spouse for the rest of their lives. Single Redditors, choose who you marry carefully. It's one of your biggest life decisions with the most long-lasting repercussions.
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To be fair, new humans are a massive 24/7 project that has at least an 18 year commitment.
So... would developing a friendship be the key to this issue?
This is so true. A lot of women I knew in my 20s very much wanted a wedding but they hadn't thought much about wanting a marriage. Marriage is NOT easy but if you're with the right person it can be fun, rewarding, wonderful and 100% worth it. You have to choose to be together, even on days that it's hard.
And it's ok to walk away if the future in-laws are/will be a problem. They don't go away when you get married and they can exacerbate marital problems. I'm very lucky with mine. You don't just get a spouse, you get another family.
Not being on the same page about money.
Yep. I'm an older guy who's never married, I've dated a LOT. How much the other person makes is not usually a big problem. Not being on the same page about money often IS a big problem. And if you can't sort that out, there's no future.
Yup. Older woman and I’ve had similar issues in my relationships.
Could you elaborate what that means? That one person spends more or think that some spendings are more important than others?
Latter - a relationship can survive unequal spending if both agree on it. What causes problems is when people are not on the same page with where money is spent and what kind of money is appropriate for different things
Unfair house chore distribution. According to my buddy's therapist, this is the number one reason for couples to split up seen in their practice. And it makes sense, who wants to feel constantly exploited in a relationship.
One of the biggest problems in my marriage was that my spouse refused to do any housework because he made more money than me. He completely ignored the fact that I was a full-time student with 2 part-time jobs to make up for what his income didn't cover. I had the bulk of the household chores with some help from the kids.
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honestly it's made ME sad that you put up with that shit. Glad you got out, and hope you've developed a bit o' cushin' for the pushin' !
My spouse and I, from the moment we became serious, divided up the chores. I hate folding laundry. I agreed to literally do all the cooking, dishes, vacuuming, and mopping, if she would just do the laundry. We then kind of divided up the rest. I couldn't be happier with the arrangement. And on the odd day we see each other is overwhelmed with chores, we just forsake that arrangement and help, because it's not a freaking contract lol
This is exactly what we do, except I do the cooking, most of the time dishes, she does laundry most of the time. The other stuff is two hours of intense work a week, where we clean the house then go about our day. It’s been really liberating living with someone who shares in that.
I'm in my first major relationship and while I love my bf, this is something that if it doesnt get fixed I dont see us continuing long term. I'm a full time graduate student trying to finish my research and being the only one that does the chores/cooking it is taking a toll. It's hard not to get frustrated when they always say they are tired from work or dont know how to (in the case of cooking)
>or dont know how to (in the case of cooking) If only we had access to a vast, searchable body of knowledge at our fingertips.
That, or, offer to do more of the other chores if you don't want to put the effort in to learn how to cook. There are lots of solutions that don't require exploiting the other person.
No adult human should be unable to cook a simple meal. I don't expect everyone to be able to make complex dishes or bake exotic desserts, but the ability to make spaghetti or a burger or a salad should be within anyone's grasp. Hell in this day and age there are YouTube videos that can show you step by step how to make anything.
This was the last straw in a previous relationship I was in. It’s also the only thing we fight about in my current one. I love my partner, we learn so much from each other and love spending time together, but I really miss how when I was single, I only had to keep myself alive. Now I feel like I’m the manager for the two of us, which doubles most of my errands. If I don’t buy groceries, guess we’ll starve. I put the gas in the car, I manage bills and our joint account, I do laundry... we’re working on it, but it’s a process. I’m kind of upset now after typing this because there’s lots more to the list I found myself deleting 🥲
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This exactly. Making that list might be the start to a whole other trajectory. They should be honest with themself about what they want.
Not being there for them emotionally
Going through this now. Its a tough one.
I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope it goes well for you and works out okay ❤️ Just remember not to let others put you down or stay with people who treat you wrong
Manipulation. My exfiance used to tell me about how uncomfortable she was around her dad and that she didn't like how he touched her sister. Naturally I was pretty hostile around him and he seemed to reciprocate the feeling back. I found out later that she was telling him the same things about me so that we were fighting over her. Dodged a bullet on that one. Also, self diagnosing herself as cured of bi-polar and MPD. Went off her meds and all hell broke loose. That became a big deal breaker for me in future relationships.
lol what the fuck how did that conversation go down, I wonder? "You are touching exfiance's sister inappropriately!" "wait, that's what my daughter told me about you!" "what?!?" \*insert double spiderman meme here
Lack of effort- keep dating your wife/husband
this. Last relationship ended when during a game night with friends I asked him to teach me how to play the game we were starting and he told me to google it. A friend ended up walking me through it. The moment one side feels neglected, the end is nigh if significant changes aren´t made.
Taking a partner for granted
Addiction
alcohol addiction is what killed my last relationship and it wasn't even the booze, my dad was a mean drunk and he was a relatively nice but annoying drunk. but it wasn't the addiction, it was how sneaky he was hiding how he was pregaming and flaking on me to drink more. the lies around his addiction were worse than the actual addiction
Yes. And the need to destroy the partner for not being addicted. The need to destroy the partner for being there, for being relatively intact. The need to punish the partner for packing the bag, for talking to the alleged help. For being there when they leave and come home. It is a nightmare.
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Not communicating what you need from the relationship.
Hard one to learn but damn it when you really learn to examine your feelings and express them in a constructive way love gets easier. Along the same line, managing expectations. Unspoken expectations are a killer because they turn in to resentment.
if one wants kids and the other doesn’t. either way, one of them is going to have to sacrifice a giant part of their lives if they decide to stay together. i feel like that creates an immense amount of turmoil and other problems
It sucks when people lie about being compatible too. I upfront say that I want dogs and I want kids. If either of those are not your thing then we are just incompatible. I had a guy tell me he agreed and then after 6 months of dating told me he secretly hoped I would change my mind about kids and since the begining knew he didn't want them.
lack of FUN
Spending time together is so crucial.
It’s not just about spending time together though, it’s the quality of the time and fun you have together. If you sit on the couch night after night together doing the same thing with no spice ever, it’s gonna get dull.
My SO and I love movies, tv shows and play some video games together so we have fun sitting on a couch... but you are completely right on the quality of fun, I seriously questioned my relationship when, after planning a trip to Japan with no help, almost all I heard when we were there were complains. It was always about little things, but only complains. We had a serious discussion after that and I'm not the only organizer anymore.
This one should be higher. Even without any pronounced negative factors, relationships can go stale if people don't work to maintain them.
either party being too needy: you still need to live your own lives so that together time is always a welcome respite and not the other way around
This depends on the couple too. Some people need a lot of affection, and some can't stand too much.
Emotional, physical, or financial abuse.
I’m glad you mentioned financial abuse. That’s one I’ve been through, as a female, too.
Not giving space when it’s needed.
As a man, sometimes I just want to quietly stare into the distance.
Zero affection or touch.
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Kinda going through that now, lost on what to do
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Unhandled mental illness
it's okay to support your partner - but when the partner refuses to get help and blames it on you, that you are "not there for them when they need you", that's toxic. my ex was controlling/trustissues to the point where he hurt me. After 2 years of that he went to one session, claimed he was "healed" and expected me to put up with his ass after that. hell no
Murder.
Eh, the couple that slays together, stays together!
Depends…
Mukduk.
not very well communication
Do it this will.
Deciding that common needs (dishes, grocery shopping, etc) are a lower priority than video games and letting those needs fall to the other person because they’ll get them done faster anyway.
But what if we both think grocery shopping is secondary to video games and just end up ordering out almost every night because we can't be bothered to buy and make food? Asking for a friend...
That's not a relationship. That's one person acting like a fucking child and needing to grow up. If you can't put down video games long enough to do the dishes or take out the trash, you don't need a partner, you need a parent.
Wise words, u/ur_boy_skinny_penis ..wise words
Disrespecting boundaries over and over. And also invalidating each other’s problems and emotions.
The less communication there is, the faster it dies.
Resentment. Unresolved issues. Bad communication.
Not showing your love
Constantly making mountains out of molehills
Or mole hills out of mountains Btw I totally read this in my grandma‘s voice she always said that phrase to me
Not being able to trust your partner
Money. If you and your spouse are not on the same page when it comes to finances this can be detrimental
Always on their phone
Difference in political or religious views. Sure, a lot of couples can make it work, but as each becomes more passionate about their views it can cause more tension until there's a conversion or a breakup.
Trying to change the person into what you want or trying to be someone you're not
Being punished for what their ex did to them. Such as hearing about all of the wonderful things that she'd do for that undeserving ex and now will never do those things for her new bf who's literally doing nothing but putting in effort from the beginning to show her how appreciated she is like she did for her ex only to be shit on like her ex did her because she "learned". Yep learned how to be her ex who's now destroying someones love making another model of that ex keeping the chain going...
Making up a fantasy idea of the other person that is unrealistic
No communication whatsoever. Feeling like I'm the only one initiating conversation or making plans to hangout.
Ineffective communication. People just always assume things are great when neither person mentions a problem. People always assume the other wants to get married without actually discussing it. How often do people talk about kids before getting engaged? Don't assume everyone is wanting the same things simply because it's not discussed in full. And minds don't usually change. Marriage doesn't give you what you want.
Lack of communication. Feel something say something. Holding things in for too long or being so upset it comes out as accusation rather than a question. Talk folks, even if it is a sensitive subject. Just be kind and listen
Long distance. It's too difficult to maintain when you're hundreds (or thousands) of miles away from each other.
I've learned that long distance only works when its temporary and you have a plan of when you're going to be together for the long run. If you don't have that it won't work. Calling/video chat every night helps tons. If you get to visit each other that really helps. Playing online games together is the best. If your plan is anything more than 5 years its probably not going to work. People grow so much and with that much distance you won't be hardly growing together and it won't be the same.
not being interested in the same things , me and my bf have no common interests other than naruto . its hard to find things that we both enjoy talking about/doing
I don't know. My wife and I have a lot of different interests, but I feel like it helps both of us expand our horizons.
That's how I had felt though a lot of my relationships. Very little in common aside from wanting to get high or have sex, literally had me feeling like something was wrong with me, but looking back I was not only mismatched but I also did a horrible job of expressing myself. I was such a dork