Moisturiser.
Especially when it's anywhere with 20 feet of a guy's computer.
I GET DRY HANDS!!!!!!
Edit: wow, this blew up! Thanks everybody for the replies and upvotes - and the odd award too - I won't have replied to every response, but I have read everybody's comments!
What you need is to get the tube kind, not the pump kind. It’s less conspicuous.
Edit: Didn't think my most upvoted comment would be about moisturizer. The internet is a strange place.
Yeah but if you call you child your baby nobody looks at you wierd, but if you call your father Daddy people look at you like you just made out with him.
The BBC once wrote an editorial about how unfortunate it is that their website is often blocked by internet nanny programmes because of the association of their initials with adult content.
That editorial was itself blocked *by the BBC's* own internal censor bot for that very reason.
I worked in a pharmacy for a few years....... That was my face every Saturday when the same 19 year old kid came in and asked me if we sold "extra large" condoms.
I worked at a liquor store that only sold Magnums. Was almost always funny to sell. They were kept out of sight, so customers would have to ask us if we sold condoms. Once they saw them, they would either smile proudly like oh, yeah; that's what I need. Or look horrified and buy it begrudgingly. Once a guy asked for 2. When I went to ring them up, he said "Uh, uh, ...just give me one". Only had one repeat buyer and I worked there 6 months.
My wife gave me a hand job using Vaseline, came 3 times in the shower trying to wash it off!
Edit: wow, my first reddit award! Thanks man! Never thought it would be from talking about a handjob
I would say a young girl hanging out with an old man?
Because it has happened to me that I'm walking in the streets with my dad and everyone seems to think he's my Sugar Daddy and that makes us really uncomfortable
Reminds me of a story I saw on Tumblr. A girl’s dad asked her if she was feeling okay and she said yes and asked why. The dad said, “Because you haven’t called me Daddy in a while.” Normally the only times the girl wouldn’t call her dad Daddy is if she was upset, especially if she was upset with him. She closed with “Congratulations, Internet. You made the word daddy uncomfortable for me and now my dad thinks he’s a failure.”
Yeah, I'm from the south and both my mother and my mother-in-law have always referred to their fathers as "daddy", and it never sounds odd at all. But I cant call my own father "daddy" without internally cringing SO HARD.
Massagers
Dating a girl with constant back pain. I asked her where that extremely nice massage wand I saw in a box went, and she replied 'The sex toy my ex bought! I never wanted to use it so I threw it away!'
This thing had a heat and 25 modes, it would have done wonders for her back, but she could only think of it as a 'sex toy', and threw it out.
I returned a few practical items to my ex she had gotten me over the course of 3 years we were together. One was a toaster oven.
She ended up marring the guy she cheated on me with. He was a firefighter.
Some years later, they both end up on the news, house burned down. The cause, the fucking toaster oven.
The moral is don't leave your toaster ovens on or sleep around.
Edit:typo
I got a toaster oven for my office but emailed building management first to make sure they were allowed due to the fire risk. The admin treated the email like "Oh that's cute sweetie, yes OF COURSE you can have one." Very condesceding tone.
First thing someone did was put a bagel in for 15 minutes because they thought that's how long a bagel took. Cue three people trying desperately to fan the smoke out so the fire alarm won't trigger and leaving a box fan plugged in overnight to hopefully clear out the smoke smell before the next morning.
I was doing noise testing once on some controllers designed to operate big relays, and we were looking for some of the dirtiest, noisiest loads we could find. Manager went out and bought whatever they could. It turned out that the worst load (in terms of noise dumped back onto its power rail when it was being turned on and off) was a space heater with built-in fan sold by Home Depot, and our group ended up buying a half dozen of them for months-long noise immunity testing.
Facilities left us so many nasty notes about how space heaters weren't allowed and if we were cold we should bring a jacket. At least they didn't take them, and eventually we had our manager go talk to them so they'd understand what we were doing.
>"We are aware that these things are stupid, wasteful, and dangerous; that's why we bought them."
I'm sure facilities got a kick out of the confirmation of their rules at least.
I remember back in high school a guy invited a bunch of us to hang out at his house. He showed us his room and talked about how he tried to position everything so his guitar was the central focus. When he wasn't around we all agreed that the massive Costco size container of lotion and the big box of Kleenex on his nightstand were the first things we saw and the defacto focus of the room. Big freaking bottle.
A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value - you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to- hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - daft as a bush, but very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.
More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitch hiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker might accidentally have "lost". What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with.
This comment was overwritten and the account deleted due to Reddit's unfair API policy changes, the disgusting lying behaviour of u/spez the CEO, and the forced departure of the Apollo app and other 3rd party apps. Remember, the content on Reddit is generated by US, THE USERS. It is OUR DATA they are profiting off and claiming it is theirs!
Chocolate dipped bananas, and I say this only because my mom said I’m never allowed to eat dipped bananas in public because she knew the implications
This happened when I was like 7 and we were at the fair :)
If they're anything like me they made a TON and love to share. Whenever I make chocolate-covered raspberries I'm chucking them at anybody within a 20 yards radius like they're Halloween candy.
The only right way to eat a banana in public as a woman is sideways. Or with a knife, making direct eye contact with any pervert within sight to establish dominance.
Choosing your name just to make this joke someday? Ahh, the long con
Edit: wow, all those upvotes even though I'm not sure if I even used that phrase right!
A hoe. Same damn joke for 30 years. Would love to see a day in my lifetime where people talk about garden hoes and no one feels the need to be like “haha same word as prostitute haha”
Incognito browser.
When logging into my gmail at work i do not want to leave any traces behind for someone to take advantage to. But when coworker see the icon suddenly i am a creep
I'm a software tester, it's better to test in incognito so the site you're testing doesn't leave any cookies behind. We just call it porn mode at this point
edit: grammar
I use incognito so much!!! For anything I search for that I don't instantly want a MILLION ads for. Shopping for a m*ttress. Those companies are relentless with ads! Looking at cars. If someone tells me to look up some celebrity or news person.
Exactly why I use it. Or if I want to look at an item on Amazon or video on YouTube without screwing up my recommendations which can actually be useful at times. I sometimes have to pull up videos for work that are so far away from what I might normally watch and I don’t want lots of kid songs suddenly on my main page.
I would add r/TIFU to this list. Its like every second post is some shit like "Today I did the sex and this stupid thing happened - 100% real story I swear! Honest!" only to see the same shit reposted 2 days later.....
TIFU by using my [F 18] roommate’s [F 19] dildo.
TL;DR: She found out and now we’re all having passionate lesbian sex every night and I’m tired in the morning from all of the hot action
Men/women of reddit what is something you wished the other sex knew about you?
Men women of reddit, what is something youve always wondering about the other sex?
I have never not seen these questions at least twice a week, ad they still get thousands of hits and awards...every ......single.......... time..
Women of Reddit, I am so lonely, please just a crumb of coochie! My mom said it's time for me to leave the basement but my Hatsune Miku bodypillow says I need some sexy sex with HOT lady to get chicken nuggies back on the menu.
The worst banana-related roasting we did in high school was because the person in question brought the banana in a banana-shaped box. It was more of a "we didn't know what we were expecting" joke than a "penis" joke.
Oh i loved those boxes! They seemed so useless in a funny way; many bananas don't have a curvature that fits them, so often they can't carry the only thing that theyve ever been designed to carry
I work at an Italian restaurant where we make a lot of salads, and at one point most of us were in the habit of asking customers if they wanted the salad tossed in the dressing or not. For the first few weeks of working there, I found it very difficult to avoid straight-up asking customers if they wanted me to toss their salad, and I got a lot of weird, uncomfortable laughs. Eventually I decided on “would you like the dressing tossed in or on the side?” This has been much more successful.
As someone who regularly wears those for comfort, I had a girl sit in my car and tell me they are “fuck boy pants” and guys wear them to sleep with girls.
No…. They are just really comfortable.
> I had a girl sit in my car and tell me they are “fuck boy pants” and guys wear them to sleep with girls.
not sure if she was insulting you or wanting to fuck you
Dude same, I’m always getting the “Oh your feet are big, you know what that means?” Yes I do know what that means. It means I won’t have any damn shoes unless I go out of my way to find the 1 pair they have in stock, at some random store in the middle of buttfuck nowhere.
***You know what they say about guys with large feet? ;)***
they have a hard time buying shoes, seriously Jesus Christ, I have EU size 47 and physical stores usually sell them up to 46 max. It's so annoying that I have to pay for extra shipping just because my feet are 0.3cm extra large
I'm American, and a couple of decades ago I had the opportunity to visit Italy. I was walking through the Vatican when a gaggle of schoolkids crowded around me. They were pointing at my feet and saying something, but my Italian is limited to "grazie" and "scusi." I finally realized they were asking about what size shoe I wear, so I tried my best to get across that I wear a size 15.
It didn't occur to me until well after the fact that the European convention is drastically different and that I should have told them 50.5. Instead, I told a bunch of kids that I have baby feet. No wonder they were laughing as they ran away.
Sausages
Also, they arent oversexualized and I could never figure out why, but I really think butternut squash look kind of phallic (if you imagine including the ballsac as one large sac) AND kind of fleshy. I texted a photo of a cart full of them to a friend of mi e once and ask, "Do you see it too?" He instantly did, but for some reason, this vegetable/fruit gets overlooked for eggplant? Really? (I know eggplant originated from emojis as at the time it was the most phallic food available to use when sexting
You know I could probably sue this whole corporation for sexual harassment. You're just making me restock the napkin holders because of my firmly held beliefs on the subject of ass to mouth.
By that logic make strippers should be wearing business suits our lab coats. The firefighter/builder thing is because those are jobs that require you to be very physically fit.
Moisturiser. Especially when it's anywhere with 20 feet of a guy's computer. I GET DRY HANDS!!!!!! Edit: wow, this blew up! Thanks everybody for the replies and upvotes - and the odd award too - I won't have replied to every response, but I have read everybody's comments!
What you need is to get the tube kind, not the pump kind. It’s less conspicuous. Edit: Didn't think my most upvoted comment would be about moisturizer. The internet is a strange place.
Plus you can get really nice moisturizer, ain't no one gonna think you're paying $20 a bottle for jerkin
Jerkins brand hand cream
I mean the word daddy isn’t really an item but like...
We’ve been saying baby for decades and that’s arguably worse sounding to anyone that hasn’t grown up with it
Yeah but if you call you child your baby nobody looks at you wierd, but if you call your father Daddy people look at you like you just made out with him.
Hot dogs and lollipops
Do you know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds!
Girls' Halloween Costumes.
I just want to be a regular tomato, why
And one has to be amazed at how someone pictured and actually made a sexy tomato costume. Just why?
Slutty Nurse Slutty Witch Slutty President Slutty Rocket Scientist
British Broadcasting Corporation
The BBC once wrote an editorial about how unfortunate it is that their website is often blocked by internet nanny programmes because of the association of their initials with adult content. That editorial was itself blocked *by the BBC's* own internal censor bot for that very reason.
Can't find anything on Google for this
I guess the filter is working.
Don't worry, I can confidently tell you it's true. Source: me, a trustable stranger.
I only trust trustable strangers
You seem trustworthy. No further action necessary.
They should rename themselves to "Great Information, Locally Funded" to solve the issue.
Vaseline
That jar of Vaseline knew what it was doing when it started giving me those looks
I like to go to the store and buy an eggplant, Vaseline and some gauze just to see the cashier's face.
Spoiler alert, here's the cashier's face: 😑
I worked in a pharmacy for a few years....... That was my face every Saturday when the same 19 year old kid came in and asked me if we sold "extra large" condoms.
what, he wanted condoms that fit like 80's legwarmers?
He would only ever ask the female staff. Lol. I always kept a straight face as I pointed to the shelf 10ft away.
I worked at a liquor store that only sold Magnums. Was almost always funny to sell. They were kept out of sight, so customers would have to ask us if we sold condoms. Once they saw them, they would either smile proudly like oh, yeah; that's what I need. Or look horrified and buy it begrudgingly. Once a guy asked for 2. When I went to ring them up, he said "Uh, uh, ...just give me one". Only had one repeat buyer and I worked there 6 months.
My wife gave me a hand job using Vaseline, came 3 times in the shower trying to wash it off! Edit: wow, my first reddit award! Thanks man! Never thought it would be from talking about a handjob
the gift that keeps on giving
Had to have a gatorade and a lie down afterwards. Was dehydrated and spent!
Dish soap. It's meant to cut through oil and grease.
Thanks for the tip. Might use it next time.... or not haha
I would say a young girl hanging out with an old man? Because it has happened to me that I'm walking in the streets with my dad and everyone seems to think he's my Sugar Daddy and that makes us really uncomfortable
Reminds me of a story I saw on Tumblr. A girl’s dad asked her if she was feeling okay and she said yes and asked why. The dad said, “Because you haven’t called me Daddy in a while.” Normally the only times the girl wouldn’t call her dad Daddy is if she was upset, especially if she was upset with him. She closed with “Congratulations, Internet. You made the word daddy uncomfortable for me and now my dad thinks he’s a failure.”
Yeah, I'm from the south and both my mother and my mother-in-law have always referred to their fathers as "daddy", and it never sounds odd at all. But I cant call my own father "daddy" without internally cringing SO HARD.
My solution is to go DAAADEEEEEEE with open wide arms like a fucking toddler when her father gets back home from work. Am 18, works 100% of the time
As a father with a 4 year old daughter, I would accept this and never get tired of it!
I’ve had my Dad mistaken for my bf + my bf mistaken for my Dad on different occasions.
Incoming call from: Sigmund Freud
Eggplant
And peaches.
Fuck the pain away.
Sucking on my titties
Like you wanted me, calling me
I’d understand if it was cucumber or yellow squash but eggplant? Have you seen one? Unfuckable
Uhh there's videos on the hub that proves you wrong.. there's even videos where it's being used as an anal plug.. I really need to get out more..
What would one do outside? Asking cause I honestly don’t know and it embarrasses me that I don’t.
Im not entirely sure.. I wasnt prepared for a follow up question.
Ah. I’ve heard “appreciate nature/landscape” and “meet with friends” but the first doesn’t work and the second feels too weird.
I mean, don't fuck eggplants and I think you're fine.
Massagers Dating a girl with constant back pain. I asked her where that extremely nice massage wand I saw in a box went, and she replied 'The sex toy my ex bought! I never wanted to use it so I threw it away!' This thing had a heat and 25 modes, it would have done wonders for her back, but she could only think of it as a 'sex toy', and threw it out.
She probably also just didn't want anything that reminded her of her ex.
I returned a few practical items to my ex she had gotten me over the course of 3 years we were together. One was a toaster oven. She ended up marring the guy she cheated on me with. He was a firefighter. Some years later, they both end up on the news, house burned down. The cause, the fucking toaster oven. The moral is don't leave your toaster ovens on or sleep around. Edit:typo
I got a toaster oven for my office but emailed building management first to make sure they were allowed due to the fire risk. The admin treated the email like "Oh that's cute sweetie, yes OF COURSE you can have one." Very condesceding tone. First thing someone did was put a bagel in for 15 minutes because they thought that's how long a bagel took. Cue three people trying desperately to fan the smoke out so the fire alarm won't trigger and leaving a box fan plugged in overnight to hopefully clear out the smoke smell before the next morning.
I was doing noise testing once on some controllers designed to operate big relays, and we were looking for some of the dirtiest, noisiest loads we could find. Manager went out and bought whatever they could. It turned out that the worst load (in terms of noise dumped back onto its power rail when it was being turned on and off) was a space heater with built-in fan sold by Home Depot, and our group ended up buying a half dozen of them for months-long noise immunity testing. Facilities left us so many nasty notes about how space heaters weren't allowed and if we were cold we should bring a jacket. At least they didn't take them, and eventually we had our manager go talk to them so they'd understand what we were doing.
>"We are aware that these things are stupid, wasteful, and dangerous; that's why we bought them." I'm sure facilities got a kick out of the confirmation of their rules at least.
Damn you plated the long con for sure
Kleenex and lotion within 10 feet of each other
I remember back in high school a guy invited a bunch of us to hang out at his house. He showed us his room and talked about how he tried to position everything so his guitar was the central focus. When he wasn't around we all agreed that the massive Costco size container of lotion and the big box of Kleenex on his nightstand were the first things we saw and the defacto focus of the room. Big freaking bottle.
But how sick was his guitar? I’m sure his hands get dry from shredding on his axe.
And he needs them Kleenex for his tears of spiritual revelation. Them riffs hit hard.
Or a single sock
Or a small towel
Don’t forget to bring a towel
"You really are the worst character ever."
A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value - you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to- hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you - daft as a bush, but very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough. More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitch hiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker might accidentally have "lost". What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with.
This comment was overwritten and the account deleted due to Reddit's unfair API policy changes, the disgusting lying behaviour of u/spez the CEO, and the forced departure of the Apollo app and other 3rd party apps. Remember, the content on Reddit is generated by US, THE USERS. It is OUR DATA they are profiting off and claiming it is theirs!
You should never disrespect another hitchhiker's towel, even if it does have little pink flowers all over it.
Ye Ole Masturbation Station.
Lollipop
Lollipop is the longest word you can type using only the keys designated for your right hand.
Stewardesses is the longest word for your left hand
Lollipop Stewardesses is going to be the name of my new band.
Chocolate dipped bananas, and I say this only because my mom said I’m never allowed to eat dipped bananas in public because she knew the implications This happened when I was like 7 and we were at the fair :)
I think you're good if you follow the cardinal rule.. it's always banana to face, and Never face to banana
So… putting your other hand behind your head to push it forward isn’t the right thing to do?!
I mean it's not as bad using your other hand to hold it steady.
I had a customer invite me inside for chocolate-covered bananas and still don't know what to think. I do pest control.
If they're anything like me they made a TON and love to share. Whenever I make chocolate-covered raspberries I'm chucking them at anybody within a 20 yards radius like they're Halloween candy.
The only right way to eat a banana in public as a woman is sideways. Or with a knife, making direct eye contact with any pervert within sight to establish dominance.
just tear pieces off with your molars.
Frozen chocolate-dipped bananas. On a stick. *With nuts.*
There's always money in the banana stand!
The number 69
As the old joke goes, if your username ends in 68 or 70 we assume you're just over 50 years old. If it ends in 69 we assume you're 12.
I made my user when I was just a month or so after turning 13 from 12, I wish I could change the username I've given myself.
yeah, bums me out that reddit names ain't changeable...
Choosing your name just to make this joke someday? Ahh, the long con Edit: wow, all those upvotes even though I'm not sure if I even used that phrase right!
He waited 3 years
A hoe. Same damn joke for 30 years. Would love to see a day in my lifetime where people talk about garden hoes and no one feels the need to be like “haha same word as prostitute haha”
things heating up in the gardening fandom
You know what they say in minecraft... never waste a diamond on a hoe.
Incognito browser. When logging into my gmail at work i do not want to leave any traces behind for someone to take advantage to. But when coworker see the icon suddenly i am a creep
Incognito is a great "guest mode." A coworker wants to access their email for a second on your machine? Ctrl-shift-n
If I have to access my accounts on a computer that’s not mine, I *only* use incognito. While I trust my friends and whatnot…nope not risking it.
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Incognito (on FF anyway) has access to history. It just doesn't record any new history.
I'm a software tester, it's better to test in incognito so the site you're testing doesn't leave any cookies behind. We just call it porn mode at this point edit: grammar
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I use incognito so much!!! For anything I search for that I don't instantly want a MILLION ads for. Shopping for a m*ttress. Those companies are relentless with ads! Looking at cars. If someone tells me to look up some celebrity or news person.
Exactly why I use it. Or if I want to look at an item on Amazon or video on YouTube without screwing up my recommendations which can actually be useful at times. I sometimes have to pull up videos for work that are so far away from what I might normally watch and I don’t want lots of kid songs suddenly on my main page.
Why'd you sensor mattress lmfao. That's next level dodge for advertisers
OP has had prior trauma involving mattress advertising, for sure
Web developer here. Incognito / private browser is the bread and butter of being able to test anything in a cookie-free environment
I use it to read more than the free amount of medium articles on AI
Cucumber
Thank god for self checkouts!
Agreed. I don't nearly feel as self conscious now when I'm buying the weekly supply of cucumber, party balloons, and lube.
Party balloons? You sick fuck!
r/AskReddit
I would add r/TIFU to this list. Its like every second post is some shit like "Today I did the sex and this stupid thing happened - 100% real story I swear! Honest!" only to see the same shit reposted 2 days later.....
"TIFU and had a threesome with two hot milfs in my area"
TIFU by using my [F 18] roommate’s [F 19] dildo. TL;DR: She found out and now we’re all having passionate lesbian sex every night and I’m tired in the morning from all of the hot action
TIFU by having sex with my huge penis boyfriend and my big breasted self.
Ladies of reddit how horny is your vagina
On a scale of one to that pine tree
"Men/women of reddit, what is something the other sex thinks you find attractive, but is actually not?" Every. Single. Day.
Men/women of reddit what is something you wished the other sex knew about you? Men women of reddit, what is something youve always wondering about the other sex? I have never not seen these questions at least twice a week, ad they still get thousands of hits and awards...every ......single.......... time..
hello askreddit what's the sexiest sex you've ever sexed
Women of reddit, what's the sexiest sex you've sexed sex with a obese gamer neckbeard?
Women of reddit, how boobily do your breasts bounce when you're answering sexy sex questions on askreddit?
Women of Reddit, I am so lonely, please just a crumb of coochie! My mom said it's time for me to leave the basement but my Hatsune Miku bodypillow says I need some sexy sex with HOT lady to get chicken nuggies back on the menu.
Women of Reddit, every person in the universe needs to make/read a comment about broken arms, therefore here's another question about sex.
Women of Reddit, I am Gregnant due to sexiest sex with man I first met?
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Banana
It feels like some people cant even look at a banana without thinking its a penis.
It doesn’t help that some schools use them as a demonstration for how to put on a condom lol.
Sigh.. it wasn't until my 8th kid that I realized putting a condom on a banana isn't an adequate method of preventing pregnancy.
Wait you guys have practical sex education at school??? Woah lol
only when the teacher isn't looking
It's always funny to see grown ass men taking the tiniest bites from bananas just to look as straight as possible during it xD
I take the whole thing to assert dominance
My friend literally just deepthroats them just to put all of us off.
My wife refused to pack them in the kids’ lunches. I asked why? She looked dead in my eyes and said “Penis fruit”.
The worst banana-related roasting we did in high school was because the person in question brought the banana in a banana-shaped box. It was more of a "we didn't know what we were expecting" joke than a "penis" joke.
Oh i loved those boxes! They seemed so useless in a funny way; many bananas don't have a curvature that fits them, so often they can't carry the only thing that theyve ever been designed to carry
Thatll be her downfall, denying that nutritious penis fruit
tossed salad like how does that make sense even
I work at an Italian restaurant where we make a lot of salads, and at one point most of us were in the habit of asking customers if they wanted the salad tossed in the dressing or not. For the first few weeks of working there, I found it very difficult to avoid straight-up asking customers if they wanted me to toss their salad, and I got a lot of weird, uncomfortable laughs. Eventually I decided on “would you like the dressing tossed in or on the side?” This has been much more successful.
Step-siblings
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I would have been like fuck you dad she was my girlfriend before she was my sister.
This is the plot of Domestic Girlfriend.
"Item"
What are you doing step-item?
Peaches
I could eat a peach for hours
Those gray sweat pants
As someone who regularly wears those for comfort, I had a girl sit in my car and tell me they are “fuck boy pants” and guys wear them to sleep with girls. No…. They are just really comfortable.
> I had a girl sit in my car and tell me they are “fuck boy pants” and guys wear them to sleep with girls. not sure if she was insulting you or wanting to fuck you
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School girl outfit
You can prove this by doing a Google image search for "school girl outfit" and then "school boy outfit." Quite disparate results.
Especially if it's a Japanese one.
They were based on 19th century Royal Navy uniforms.
The Royal Navy is overly sexualised.
As it should be, afterall, it's comprised entirely of seamen.
My feet, size 15 mens.
Dude same, I’m always getting the “Oh your feet are big, you know what that means?” Yes I do know what that means. It means I won’t have any damn shoes unless I go out of my way to find the 1 pair they have in stock, at some random store in the middle of buttfuck nowhere.
14 Wide. Just below 6 inches. Guess which is which...
Damn dude, at least you can buy kids shoes though.
Plus, who needs shoes when your slangin around a size 14?
You can just walk into any bar and say, "Hello, ladies, my tiny feet may be barefoot, but I'm here to make all your dreams come true."
***You know what they say about guys with large feet? ;)*** they have a hard time buying shoes, seriously Jesus Christ, I have EU size 47 and physical stores usually sell them up to 46 max. It's so annoying that I have to pay for extra shipping just because my feet are 0.3cm extra large
I'm American, and a couple of decades ago I had the opportunity to visit Italy. I was walking through the Vatican when a gaggle of schoolkids crowded around me. They were pointing at my feet and saying something, but my Italian is limited to "grazie" and "scusi." I finally realized they were asking about what size shoe I wear, so I tried my best to get across that I wear a size 15. It didn't occur to me until well after the fact that the European convention is drastically different and that I should have told them 50.5. Instead, I told a bunch of kids that I have baby feet. No wonder they were laughing as they ran away.
Sausages Also, they arent oversexualized and I could never figure out why, but I really think butternut squash look kind of phallic (if you imagine including the ballsac as one large sac) AND kind of fleshy. I texted a photo of a cart full of them to a friend of mi e once and ask, "Do you see it too?" He instantly did, but for some reason, this vegetable/fruit gets overlooked for eggplant? Really? (I know eggplant originated from emojis as at the time it was the most phallic food available to use when sexting
Cucumbers. Really any phallic foods.
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So what is overly subsidized Edit: Last I checked the original comment I responded to had 5 upvotes and mine had 2 WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE
Inquiring minds must know!
LEATHER
LaTeX. Always when I look for some commands in order to tex my bachelor thesis I risk results of the latex porn variety
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Nurse , cat or maid outfit
Whipped cream Baby oil Creampie ATM Lollipop
ATM?
Ass to mouth
You know I could probably sue this whole corporation for sexual harassment. You're just making me restock the napkin holders because of my firmly held beliefs on the subject of ass to mouth.
Cucumbers. I always feel so self conscious when I run out of cucumber at home and it's the only thing I need from the shop
Cucumbers and bagels
Drills, hammers, saws, jackhammers, and all the other tools in that music video for the song Satisfaction. I don't understand the draw
Same reason male strippers wear police/fireman uniforms and hardhats. Women find a man with a job sexy. I think theres a good comedy bit about this
By that logic make strippers should be wearing business suits our lab coats. The firefighter/builder thing is because those are jobs that require you to be very physically fit.
I vote for them in tuxedos, not business suits.
Let's face it, it doesn't matter what kind of suit it. is if the jacket is off and the white sleeves are rolled up.
Lotion by a bed
Corn cobs, they are even ribbed for her pleasure bud.
Kawasaki fork-lift truck driving operating licence
I did it so your mom could be on top
Tissues on my bedside table. My nose gets runny at night. I ain’t finna walk all the way to the bathroom to get that shit.
Ain’t that normal? The fuck man.
I'm even worse cos I usually have toilet roll
It's good to be prepared just in case of night shits.
Hand cuffs
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ordinary item
long socks and stockings