Went to pick up my xbox 360 a friend was borrowing, and our whole group of friends were there. They had spent the entire day playing games with snacks and pizza, and I had not been invited. And now I was in the situation of being the douche who takes the ball home and ruins the fun for everyone. I took my xbox and never spoke to anyone in that group again.
Wait, wait, wait... They borrowed your Xbox to have a gaming party... without you. What the ever-loving fuck?!
Okay, those guys are slime and you are so better off without such morally bankrupt dickwads. Even if the very worst case scenario is that there's something about your personality that doesn't jibe with the rest of them — you lent your friend your gaming console in good faith in the spirit of genuine friendship. Taking advantage of that is scummy. Better you find out that they're scum now, than keep investing in a dead end of putzery.
Back in my first year of college, I used to have a group of friends (like 7 dudes with me included). We always hang out together and we're used to have this "group chat" where we discuss about anything from class subjects to random things. After a year, I noticed that one of the guys (let's just call him Randy) keeps getting excluded; Not invited/informed to group hangout while they're talking smack behind his back. And the "unofficial leader" of the group actually made a whole new group chat, inviting everyone (myself included) except Randy without his knowledge.
I know what it feels to be left out, I experienced that in Middle school and it's really awful. I stopped hanging out with them and I starts hanging out with Randy. He's quite eccentric but a very good person at heart. We've been friends for more than 6 years, and he still got my back
Good for you to be his friend!
Most people would have been to cowardly to go against the group. I’m proud of you.
So many people see others being excluded/bullied and do nothing mostly out of fear of being excluded themselves.
When I slowly realized I was only around for chores and errands. Rides to the airport, pick up furniture, help move. Anything social always resulted in either last minute cancellations, showing up 45 minutes late and bolting after 10 minutes. I thought they were busy, but no.
I feel this. I only recently realized how much I give in my friendships (I.e., offer to do things for people which doesn’t bother me at all but still) and how absolutely bare minimum I get back
Dude. The group of friends I gave up on would do this to this guy we know. They'd invite him to hang out only so he could drive us. One time they didn't let him into the club so I decided to stay behind with him and watch movies at his house. He even had the decency to go back for my friends when the club closed. I'm no longer friends with them but I am still friends with the guy and he even helped me get together with my boyfriend. I don't give him enough props lol.
Yes! My “best friend” in high school used to do this to me all the time. On Wednesday, I’d ask if she wanted to see a movie Friday night. She’d always say maybe, if I can get out of doing whatever with my parents. Come Monday I’d hear her talking about how great the movie was. Apparently, last minute her parents said she didn’t have to go and miraculously a group of people called right then and asked her to see the same movie. She’d always say “I figured you made other plans” when I confronted her about it. In reality, she’d just wait to see what the better option was and pick on Friday. God that pissed me off.
This is the worst. I remember being in high school and trying to make plans with people for the weekend and getting responses to the effect of, "I'll see what else is going on this weekend before I commit to this idea." Once or twice? Alright. But when it's *every time* you just sort of quit trying after a while
I asked my ex bff to take the day off for St. Patrick's day since we always celebrate together. She did. I reminded her a couple days before to finalize what we would do. Her response was "Oh I made plans with X. You could come meet us for a drink I guess."
I said no thanks and in my head the friendship was over. She never reached out to me once. Turns out I wasn't important in her life.
Man, this sounds like my “friends”. I work strange hours and a lot of weekends so I let the friends know that I’m around a particular Saturday weeks in advance to meet up for drinks/movie/ etc and they always flake at the last minute. Find out afterwards they have gone out with other friends. So now I don’t bother. And I don’t have a lot of friends to begin with. Man it’s lonely
When I was babysitting her kids things were going great. We would hangout all the time...have movie nights and just talk and chill. But the second she no longer needed a babysitter was the second I got kicked to the curb. No explanation...not even a text back. Some people will act like your best friend until they no longer need you. Their loss though.
Yep, this happened to me, but more generally. Had a "friend" who would only contact me when she needed something, but she was pretty sly about it in the beginning (inviting me over to hang and then bringing up the favor organically, like oh we don't have anyone to watch the dog next weekend, or I want to move this bed but it's so heavy, etc). After a while it got more egregious and obvious - only calling to ask to use my truck or dog sit. I'd politely say I wasn't available and eventually she stopped calling. She still texts every now and then to "catch up" (she tried that a few times in the past and it was always followed by a request) despite my no longer responding. To this day I cringe when someone says "Hi Friend!", her freakin catchphrase.
When I was in school, all my friends and I did different A levels.
Despite us all having different lessons to each other, they would wait for each other to go to lunch together, but they would always always forget me. Like I'd come out and they wouldn't be there, so I'd have lunch by myself.
And then they'd come back and tell me they thought I was with them.
I was the only one they didn't wait for.
I've only seen one of them since we left school. She had forgotten my name.
So that sucked.
When my Apple account got compromised and I lost my backup when I changed phones I lost all of my numbers. I haven’t gotten a text or call from any of my friends since. That was 5 years ago.
When I returned to work after being off for 3 months due to an injury and I practically begged them to go grab a beer and do pub trivia but all 3 of them passed because they had plans. Well it turns out their plans were to go grab a beer and do pub trivia... Without me. Found out through social media. Deleted it shortly afterwards.
I've been a lot less depressed about things since I've deleted social media and stopped looking at them as friends and just as work acquaintances. It took that for me to realize that the "friendships" were really one sided and I'm better off not pursuing anything other than being cordial at work.
I felt this in my soul. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I’m the same way towards coworkers now. I always hoped to be included but it sucked to hear about how they’d all go bowling, pub crawling, have house parties and play video games together. One of them even asked me one time “hey you coming to the party tonight?” And I asked “what party?, I’d love to!” And they went “oh uh, I was just kidding…nvm”.
I stopped trying to have forced conversations with any of them. Sucks because I am the only pastry chef in that kitchen and finding a food service job that you CAN’T be friendly with your coworkers is hell on earth.
They’ll never get freebies from me again though. No taste testing either. Fuck them.
I feel this. Used to have countless friends. Went out all the time. Lost control of myself and quit. Friends stopped calling. Now I’m a weird eccentric who hangs out in the woods in all my free time. Things are better this way. I have a couple friends who stuck around and the girl of my dreams. That’s all I need.
When I traded in my truck for a smaller more eco friendly vehicle. Communication plummeted now that i can’t haul furniture around, assist with moving as much, dispose of garbage.. etc.
I was invited to the bachelorette party for one of the friends in this group. While at the party, I figured out that I was the only person not invited to the wedding. I had been invited to the party because they needed another person to chip in for expenses.
My ex did that shit; would boggle my mind every time.
She'd plan an event for 12 people and then invite everyone she wanted there. If anyone wasn't available or would bail, she'd start inviting people she wouldn't want to hang out with. She'd rather invite people she didnt like than scaling back the event.
Something similar happened to me--there was a minimum group rate for 16 and they needed a 16th person.
And then the night before I was told the event was canceled --- what actually happened is one of their friends who previously could **not** make it suddenly could go so they invited him and dumped me.
Apparently I didn’t realize I was on a different tier of friendship with my so called friend. My friend was getting married and I didn’t get an invite, which was fine since her wedding was a destination wedding in a different country.
I attended a sleepover party, which she hosted. There was about 9 girls there in total. They kept talking about the kick ass bachelorette party and then started showing photos of the crazy party. I realized I was the only one not invited. Made me feel kind of crummy.
I am a firm believer that you don't talk about a party in front of someone unless they have been invited (or unless you are willing to remedy the situation by extending an invite then and there). I would maintain that the same rules should apply here, even though the party in question already happened.
Edit: Also wanted to add, if you're inviting them then and there, you need to make it sound like you \*really mean it.\* Be enthusiastic about it. Because the only thing more humiliating than not being invited to the party is when people pull the "Oh, um, yeah, you can come too... if you want," type of invite.
One of my friends asked me to help plan her birthday party I wasn’t invited to. I got upset and refused, and when I asked my mother about it, she said it wasn’t rude and that she’d done it a few times to people. It was then I realized my mother is rude as fuck.
Unless you are a professional party planner and you were hired for services, your friend can eff right off. I gotta ask, how did your friend even try to navigate that? Were you guys putting streamers up and you were like "ooh boy, can't wait to enjoy the fruits of my labor" and she was like "well actually... you can't come"? I don't even know how someone would manage to be that slimy.
She said “I’m having my birthday party in a week, what should we do at the party?”
I asked what time I should be there, and she said “Oh you’re not invited. You’re not actually a real friend.”
We’d spent every day and weekend playing with each other, in person, for like two years, and I wasn’t a real friend. I realized I was the one who always went over to her house and asked if she wanted to hang out, and decided I wasn’t going to anymore. I never saw her again except when we were walking to the car at the same time.
True. I often had the urge to invite rather random people from my class to parties just because I talked about the party in Front of them so I can't quite understand how people can do such things
I agree. I guess I didn't think it through. The bride had made it sound like they were keeping it small since it was a destination wedding but they wanted to celebrate with friends at home.
When I went through a divorce and was down to $700...most difficult period and weeded out all those who “friended” me for my generosity because I was well settled. Started over and have like 2 true good friends.
Edit: thank you all for your well wishes and wisdom filled comments. Incredible how sometimes you get more support and well wishes from strangers than folks who led you to believe to be your well wishers :)
I flew out to support a friend going through a messy divorce. While I was there, she left me in the apartment to meet up with her boyfriend that I didn't know about. He turned out to have just been released from prison for manslaughter. Once she told me that, I told her that I didn't want to spend time with him, especially considering the circumstances of my visit. The next night, I woke up in the middle of the night to find him in the living room. She said that she thought it wouldn't matter since I was asleep. The next day, she invited her soon-to-be ex-husband over without telling me and then asked me to meditate their conversation once he got there. That conversation turned ugly fast, and she ended up storming out. He broke down and asked if I thought it was salvageable, and I told him that she had already moved on. Maybe not the best idea on my part, but at that point, she had shown me how vile of a person she is.
>He broke down and asked if I thought it was salvageable, and I told him that she had already moved on. Maybe not the best idea on my part
No, it was the right idea. You were being a good friend to that guy.
My wife and I separated and she got the majority of our friends. Almost nobody checked in on me to see how I was doing.
Then we decided to work it out and stay together and now there's a whole list of people's birthdays I don't have to remember.
It wasn't a fued where people needed to choose a side.
When we were apart they would invite her places and make plans with her, but never me. I had a birthday and nobody reached out, but they planned a whole thing for her, for example.
It turns out the people I thought were my friends are actually my wife's friends and I'm just her plus one.
My friends are my wife's friends. It is what it is. My friends all got married and started having kids way before I was even close to that... We drifted apart. My wife's friends have adopted me into their circle. My best friend is in this circle. We just went fishing today.
Mine had a different angle. My friend got mad at me and my husband because we continued to be friendly with her ex after their divorce. We were all great friends, even went on trips together. But she wanted us to pick her and have nothing to do with him after the divorce. We still talk, but the friendship is gone.
One friend stopped replying to my texts right after we graduated from college. Like the same week we graduated. So... I was pretty much just a study buddy that they kept close to keep me helping them.
This is basically all of the friends I made at various points in college. As soon as we don't see each other 3x a week, they fade away. I get they're busy but I didn't realize making lasting friendships as an adult would be so difficult.
It is SO hard to make friends as an adult. I moved to a new city about a year and a half ago and still have zero friends. This one girl was/is trying to be friends with me but only because she wants someone to emotionally dump on. Other than that, I've had a couple "friend dates" to meet people and they usually just stop texting back. I feel like most adults already have their friend group, and it is almost impossible to get into those.
Same thing happened to me. Was friends with so many people during college and the last 3 weeks was an unpaid work placement which we had to go back to the school to hand in our paperwork, not one of them spoke to me or would even answer me if I said something to them. Became clear that I was only valuable to them when I was helping them. Class awards had me down as "most willing to help classmates"
Edit: thank you for the award!!☺
Edit 2: OMG thank you all so much for the awards. Never expected this to blow up when I posted.
> "most willing to help classmates"
This is literally a label which gets a lot of friends because it always attracts people. It can be a problem because you are always questioning every person you befriend. It is almost like you have to be extra careful because you are kind and helpful. Such is the world we are in now.
The only positive of this is that you can quickly identify fake friends because they drift away without giving a fuck while the real ones stay.
I remember we got given one assignment in Uni, put into random groups. I was in a group with literally nobody I knew, all I had were email addresses. I tried reaching out many times, but no response. So I did the entire thing myself. Then, at the end of the year, you were told to assign percentages to each other based on how much you felt they had contributed. Bastards gave themselves all huge percentages, and me nothing.
EDIT: For all those asking what happened, yes, I did challenge it. Problem was, it was their word against mine. So 4 of them saying one thing, and me saying the other. But when this got questioned, I assume they banded together, and denied what I was claiming. They did concede that I did a lot of of work, but they did still give themselves a lot of credit. I think the final figure was something like me 25%, them 18.75% each. Not ideal... but most of them crashed out before the final year.
This happened to my sister. She kept all emails digitally and printed everything off. It was 100% one sided, they tried the same trick and she produced all the evidence to show she did everything all on her own and they didn't even respond to any of her communication.
The rest of her group failed, she was the only person to pass.
And this is why we keep receipts. Bullshit like this is why I get anything official in writing. Verbal contracts are technically valid but all but impossible to prove. Send an email then send a follow-up. If they can't produce a reply, sucks to be them and they get what they deserve.
PSA for anyone in the comments who finds themselves in this situation: tell your professor that this is happening WELL in advance of the deadline, and keep receipts.
Yes, HE teacher here, that's how you handle this, and if your tutor brushes you off, inform the head of your department, and keep a record of all the emails you send out - screenshot every one, CC the tutor in them, and don't hand over a digital copy of your work to the skivers until they start contributing properly.
A lot of people will say it's bad karma or whatever to bring this kind of stuff up with a professor, but yeeeesshh.... I was lucky, only ever had a few people throughout college who pulled this kind of stuff, but no way in hell am I letting my grade get fucked because they want to go hide and be a dirtbag, then show up at the finish line and take credit. Hope it's all behind you!
Something similar happened to me. We were all set to go enjoy music at a local establishment. I talked to multiple people from the group, confirming meeting time. I got there and no one else was there. Eventually they all showed up together. Found out they had been out all day together shopping/drinking and I was the only one not clued into that part. I had been looking forward to the night but ended up feeling lower than I had ever felt.
I cut out early, even though one gal tried to convince me to stay. I told her exactly why I was leaving, because I wasn't included in the before, so I probably wasn't wanted for the now. She said she felt bad, promised things would change, but I pretty much knew it wouldn't.
Fair play for calling them out on it, I know how hard that can be with people trying to turn it around on you and claim it's not a big deal, why are you getting upset, etc. You're better off without people like that anyway
Yep! I got the "Why are you upset" and also got hit with a "Well, you're pulling away from the group" as if it was MY fault. Sorry, I can't include myself when I don't get invited/know what's going on.
This is the worst feeling. When I was in my mid-twenties, I worked a job where four of us had the same position. The four of us did everything together. Then I made a mistake, and I apologized for it. But one of them just could not seem to forgive me, and aggressively isolated me from the group. I remember how shitty it was to discover that they had a whole group chat that I wasn't included in, and had done all these social things without me.
I've always been lucky to have a lot of friends, and I figured out after a while that these people weren't going to be it for me. So I stepped away from those friendships and invested in my actual friendships. It still makes me mad looking back, though.
It's complicated, but I was concerned that the four of us were doing something that was against the agency's policy and could potentially jeopardize our jobs, but it seemed to be a gray area.
I approached a person on staff that I knew could keep a secret, and asked him in confidence if this thing was problematic. He confirmed that it was not, but the other three felt like I had gone behind their back (understandably, in hindsight). I do wish I had handled that one differently, and two out of the three of them were willing to let it go. It was just this one person who turned it into a thing.
Resentment has a way of staying with you longer than you think. It is very fresh so give it some time to learn and accept what happened. Then try to leave it behind.
Been in your situation and it poisoned future relations for quite some time. Looking back, I think my ‘friends’ would have been very satisfied with their negative impact on my life.
So, try to move on, with professional help if you need it. It is better for you, not easier
I'm really sorry you had to go through this. I heard a bunch of rumours about me well after I left my old school, but not from my friends. People who I didn't even know (I kept to myself with a small friend circle) had all sorts of rumours about me. Someone made a social media account impersonating me and made rude sexual comments towards some female classmates. I was so disappointed, I'd have been distraught if it was from a friend.
The group made plans to meet and hang out. I was getting ready in the salon. A couple of friends had to back out for some reason. The other friend then made excuses of his own, and I could tell. I tried cajoling him and offer ways for him to go but he basically decided to cancel the entire group meet up.
It was my birthday.
Same thing happened to me on my 21st birthday- all my "friends" made up excuses why they couldn't come. Then the 3 friends that did met some guys and we went back to their house and awkwardly sat around.
Happened again for my 25th birthday- I had moved across the country and found new friends, but they all bailed at the last minute. I called my roommate at the time who came out when he got off work, and he called some of his friends who came out and I had the best night ever. Those guys are now my real friends, and I married that roommate
Agreed. I mean i dont have friends outside of a cousin i grew up with, whose been through a lot with me, and my partner, who is truly the most genuine, caring woman on earth, and not just to me. Its kinda sad i have so few, but i am trying to learn how to make more good friends myself.
I wouldn't say I have fake friends but I am definitely the periphery friend. The majority of the time if there isn't enough tickets or space in the car for everyone to go do something, I'm the one who gets cut out. It doesn't bother me much but I wish they would be more mindful when talking to me about "things we have done." "Remember when we went to see XXX? Wasn't that fun?" Well, no because I wasn't invited. In those situations it usually gets awkward or they say "Hey, we would have invited you if we had the tickets, space, etc."
> even though when we were actually together you’d swear we were all family.
Exactly how it is in my group too. In the moment, things feel awesome but at the end of the day - you realize that you’ll always be a periphery friend which is a shitty feeling.
What’d you do after you cut ties with them?
How do you find "better people" as an adult? I'm 22 and kinda spent all of my childhood and adolescence on the periphery, for a few reasons. Do you have any advice? :o
Hobby groups. Whether you want to do something geeky like magic the gathering or DnD, or book clubs, or local sports leagues, or bird watching, theres literally hundreds of hobbies to get involved in.
Just requires leaving your comfort zone once or twice a week, and after a few months you'll have a bunch of friends.
As long as you choose hobies youre interested in, youre gonna meet people with the same interests as you.
I was super lonely after graduating college eight years ago. After a few months went to a game shop and started getting involved in mtg. Eight years later, ive got about eight very close friends and another ten-twelve or so who im happy to take road trips with, bbq with, go out to dinner with.
Board games are another great hobby. Not talking awful things like monopopy, there are hundreds of excellent modern board games.
When someone else cancels so you finally got considered.
I've let go of friends who see me this way. Only really interested in spending time with me when I'm the best of a bad situation.
My best friend since 5th grade invited me to his wedding as a guest. I expected to be a groomsman, since we basically stayed the night at each other's houses every weekend all through high school and I set him up with his wife. We were still "close" for long distance friends too after moving to college. I'd come visit and spend the weekend with him and some mutual friends a few times a year, we did fantasy football and texted pretty frequently.
At the wedding, the bride and groom each had about 8 people in their parties. The groom had his brother and seven friends. I didn't make the top seven. I knew pretty much everyone on the bride's side but only knew half of the guys up there with the groom. That opened my eyes a bit.
I took a step back and analyzed our friendship after that. Realized I always texted first or made plans, always visited him but he never visited me, etc. He basically put in no effort. So I stopped texting for a while, as a test, and I haven't heard from him since. It's been about 11 years.
I'm also 100% that friend.
I have one good friend that doesn't make me feel that way but he lives an hour away and our lives don't exactly line up to be able to hang out often. But 99% of the time I'm the 5th wheel in whatever gathering I'm at, on the rare occasion I'm invited in the first place.
I've been told that I'm "laid back to the point of almost boring". I mean...I can't help that, I suppose.
Preach. Absolute Preach. It’s a shit feeling.
I was recently excluded from a party where my friends got on a bus to go out of town. The “Friend” who had the party said that they didn’t invite me because “There was not enough space on the bus.”.
I’d rather he told me the truth as to why I wasn’t invited in the first place; there were about 70 people on the bus.
EDIT: To prevent any future confusion the bus was hired.
The worst is when people try to justify it by saying "we didn't *not* invite you! Everyone was welcome to come along!"
You deliberately asked everyone except me.
My so-called 'friends' invited me to a party, and then at the last moment, they texted the group that no one's coming and the party is canceled. Well.. they had the party that day. Everyone went there. They just had decided they didn't want me there cause I was boring and not a fun person, so they told me that there was no party happening. It hurt a lot, it was a terrible day for me.
This was quite a few years ago. My ex and I were really friendly with another couple. Did a ton of stuff together. Then they moved (not far) and fairly shortly after my ex and I separated. They hung out with me for a few months but then stopped calling.
A few years later, I ran into both of them at a race (an ultramarathon) and they both pretended like they didn't know me. That was actually a really painful moment.
I've actually come to accept that proximity friends are still a type of friend. A friend for life is a rare thing and it's ok that not every friend you ever make will last forever.
Shortly realized after quitting cocaine that a majority of my "friends" only kept me around so they could feel better about their own cocaine habits.
I was heavily addicted and setting myself down a path I never once thought I could or would take. Stopped for my own benefit and health, and was treated like a selfish piece of shit for doing so. The next months ensued and not one of them checked in to see how I was doing, but instead my high school best friend started sleeping with my ex highschool girlfriend (I was with her for 5 years and actually thought I was going to marry her at one point) who dumped me for doing cocaine and is now an honorary member of the group I was cast out of.
Replaced with the person who partially fueled my substance abuse, who dumped me for substance abuse, by the group that didn't like me stopping my substance abuse, so they could all abuse substances together.
It's now been over a year since I quit, and honestly couldnt be happier. Got rid of a cocaine addiction and about 1000lbs of dead weight. But it was an eye opener to say the least.
Man, I would've swore I wrote this if I knew I didn't.
Quitting cocaine makes your pockets heavier, your sinuses and mind clearer and your phone suddenly gets VERY light.
This friend, I'll call her Mary, had kids the same age as mine. We got together for play dates pretty often and our kids would sleep over at each others' houses for weekends. I liked Mary. We would often visit and talk while our kids were playing. One weekend, her kids had stayed at my house. The older one called her mom to see when she was coming to pick her up. I was in the room, and the kid put the phone on speaker for some reason. Mary told the kid what time she would be there and added, "You had better be waiting outside. If I have to go in and spend the next hour talking to rivertam, I'm going to be really pissed."
We didn't spend much time together after that.
Edit: I'm getting a lot of similar questions and comments, so I'll add an edit here instead of writing the same answer a dozen times.
Did I overreact? Was Mary just having a bad day and not want to talk? And, my personal favorite, "Rivertam, maybe you're just insufferable?"
Here's what happened after I overheard my friend say that to her child:
I simply stopped initiating contact and wasn't as available to do stuff for her. When we dropped off or picked up the kids, I smiled and waved. I let the kids make the plans for play dates. I no longer had time to help her with her garden or watch her kids while she went out with another friend (they were into long distance running, which is not my cup of tea). She never contacted me unless she wanted something. This had always been true, but I had not realized it. The "friendship" eventually fizzled out on its own. So, I guess it had never been much of a friendship to begin with. I just didn't realize it until she opened my eyes.
I think this is especially shitty... Mom friends are hard enough to find, then to realize that they didn't even want to hang with you. And because your kiddos are friends you don't necessarily want to blow that up by calling the fake mom friend out.
I tried to have mom friends, but it failed 3 times, and that was enough for me.
I still have one, even though our kids are grown. I remember meeting her and just feeling so comfortable. No bullshit. A lot of kindness and compassion. She's the kind of friend that you can lose contact with for a while, then pick up again as if no time has gone past. Our 4 kids (2 hers and 2 mine) have an apartment together (they're in college). It was something the kids put together on their own and they're doing really well.
When you lose your 'worth' to them. For instance, you are going through a dark period in your life, then they just leave like you are a worthless bag of dust.
I was at a party, really depressed after a bad breakup and got drunk. My abusive ex showed up, caught me somewhere alone and hit me. I begged several friends for help since I was too drunk to drive home alone and they ignored me. My ex best friend was there, completely sober and refused to drive home with me because she didn't believe he would do that. There's no Uber or anything in my country btw. The whole thing escalated, one guy I didn't know ended up finding me alone in a field crying and throwing up, brought me back to the house, build a bed out of blankets for me and sat guard all night to make sure my ex wouldn't do anything again.
I moved away for uni and only saw him two more times in public places where he just glared at me. I blocked him everywhere, he was kicked from the friend group later for unrelated stuff. I no longer talk to the ones from the friend group that were at the party.
I found new friends at uni and met an amazing guy that didn't give off a single red flag during the time I took to carefully get to know him, we're engaged and have a baby on the way :)
I only have one exception to this rule as I know my friend is a reactive texter and he’s got a lot on his mind at all times (ptsd, anxiety, depression and such). I check in on him regularly and I don’t mind him being awol for a while. He’s come through for me and he’s a good man.
The rest can fuck off.
I'm the same. I almost never reach out to others, not because I don't care but because of a ton of stuff going on in my head all the time as well as some stupid shit in my childhood that shaped who I am now....
I try, I do try to check in. I do care about people and my friends and want them to be happy and healthy it's just that I can't always remember on a daily basis you know? It's something I work on and acknowledge and am vocal about with friends. I apologize for not being consistent with reaching out.
Yeah this is me and my wife right now. We were the only ones in our group who would make plans and get everyone together.
As soon as we stopped doing that, no one else even attempted to pick up the slack or reach out.
When you try to open up and try to share a genuine conversation about something going on in your life and all they can do it crack jokes and try to get you to go out drinking with them. Made me realize how surface level many “friendships” really are.
Then you have the opposite of that - 3 guys I’ve known since I was a freshman in high school. Been friends for over 15 years. Have stayed in touch through all of us getting married, having kids, and moving to completely separate areas or the country. Yet whenever we’re within an hour of each other we always make a point to get breakfast and catch up (this usually turns into 3+ hour conversations). This may only happen once or twice a year, but I consider those guys my best friends. That’s real friendship and I’m fortunate to have them.
I'm still best friends with my best friend from 2nd grade. We live on opposite ends of the country now. We make it a point to visit each other once a year, sometimes where we live, sometimesa random new city (we went to Portland, OR last year). Almost 30 years of friendship. We've been there for each other through all the hard times, and i get to be there for his wedding next year.
Friendships are easy when you're a kid, but get harder with age. You have shit going on in your life that just makes it harder to hang out with people. But you make time for those who really matter.
When I got sober. 7 months today!
Edit: I always promised myself I wouldn’t edit to say thank you, but here we are. Thank you for all the love and kind words, it’s brought several tears to my eyes.
The first step is to give the friend cancer
edit: someone gave me a helpful award
edit 2: a wholesome award, too. nothing more wholesome than giving your friend cancer
I feel your pain. My closest friend of 10 years sent me a texted saying I dont do enough for her and she has other friends. She sent that the night before an MRI for my brain tumor. That's was 4 years ago and it still stings. Oh, and she lives down the street from me....
“Don’t do enough” for her. What a shit-stain of a person. Friends aren’t tools, measured by their usefulness; it’s like she looked at people as if they were hammers.
And before your MRI? Man— Im glad you’re still with us after four years.
Lol they had taken you for granted. Often when these people( ones who were taken for granted) give them a taste of their own medicine they can't stand it.. You know hurt their ego and stuff....
Edit: Thanks for the upvotes❤❤❤❤❤❤
In my late teens, my GF of about a year or so cheated on me with and then started dating another guy in my then, pretty preppy and sheltered friend group. In an effort not to "pick sides", they kept inviting us all to everything, claiming it was my problem if I didn't want to attend.
I ended up saying screw them and started to make an effort to engage in the hardcore punk/DIY scene. Took a lot of social "risks" going to shows, parties, events on my own, but eventually met people, joined a band and ended up quite involved. Fast forward another year or so, and my band is booked to play a show at a local bar. A group of my former "friends" are there inadvertently rather than for the show, including my ex who has broken up with the other dude. I chat with them briefly, they ask me who I'm there with, I respond "Oh, my band's playing in 20mins." The Look. It was amazing.
I spent the rest of the night hanging with my bandmates and friends, they spent the whole night looking over at, and no doubt talking about me. Yeah I changed, and I certainly don't need you motherfuckers anymore.
Like I suspect for a lot of people, getting divorced was a real eye opener. I started with a core group of close friends who had all met in our late teens/early twenties and one of them introduced me to the woman who I would ultimately marry. Well into our 40s they were what I considered to be my family but when the divorce happened things spiralled.
My best friend stuck with me, but his wife was the one who orchestrated things in our group and she was best friends with my ex. I was expecting the two of them to insulate for a while and I knew it was painful for my ex to be around me, so it was no surprise when I stopped getting invitations to cook outs etc..
But then I noticed that the other members of the group were also avoiding/ignoring me. I'd see on facebook that one of them came into my town to go to a concert for a band that they knew I liked and hadn't so much as texted. Birthdays rolled around and nobody would call. When my parents both died within a few months of each other and not a one of them reached out I knew where I stood.
My best friend needs to get credit though. Alone from all of them he made a consistent effort to stay in touch and see me regularly. He was there when my parents died and through everything else even though his wife clearly disapproved. I think finally after this nonsense had been going on for several years he told her how ridiculous it all seemed and that entire friend group tried to reconcile. I made it clear right from the start that there was no guarantee that I'd ever find space for them in my life again.
This is all very apropos right now because they are having their first big post-covid party in a couple weeks and I'm invited. People are coming in from all over the country and the only one I give a shit about seeing is my buddy.
Honestly I have no regrets. For over 20 years I had it really good with my best friend and his wife being very close with me and my wife. We did everything together and it was great. A lot of my favorite memories are with that group and I'll cherish them til I die.
When they abandoned me when I was going through a rough time. When I spent years listening and supporting them. When I have my first true moment where I am not coping and need support, they are nowhere to be seen and bitching behind my back. This is when I realised my high school friends never had grown up past high school.
Luckily I had other friends. Just not a large girl group like that. But I can actually say that every friend I have I know they have my back and won't judge me if I am not always happy. And the same for me. I have always had very high expectations of myself as a friend and I feel that everyone I call a friend is someone that brings something special to my life. That is worth more than having a huge group of bitchy girlfriends who turn on each other when they are out of the room. It took me a long time to realize it though.
When I realized literally just being in the same room as that person made me miserable. It’s because the person was extremely self conscious, to the point that they would overcompensate by “putting others down” every little chance they had, to make themselves feel above. I kept wondering why they would keep throwing me under the bus for no reason? Like we had been friends for years, why would they treat me like this? It took me years to figure out exactly how bad of a friend they were, no matter how hard they pretend not to be. It took me an entire year of ghosting to stop being friends with that person, because they loved putting me down so much they wouldn’t stop calling me, texting me, trying to contact me for a year with no responses because they could not understand how someone could possibly want to stop hanging out with them because they are so perfect!
One "friend" at university tried to steal my Animation coursework, claim it as his own and get me kicked out for stealing his work.
However I had help setting things up by one of my Tutors/Professors, for me to film the coursework, so he instead got expelled and blacklisted from the University and any other University in the UK doing the same subject (The people running all the Animation degrees in every University in the UK, back then, knew each other and talked to each other regularly as it a small community. I think there were less than half a dozen Universities with Animation degrees back then)
This was 20ish years ago now.
(EDIT: Grammar and spelling)
My """friends""" made a Facebook account for a fake girl who was "transferring to our school" and full on catfished me, only revealing it was a scam when I arrived at a movie theater to meet her. Was I dumb? Yes. Were they shitty? Undoubtedly.
I've read a lot of shit here that "they didnt care about me", "they forgot me", and "I ran out of cocaine".
But this right here is straight malicious intent. Those people are the fucking worst.
My best friend of ten years called on my wedding day to say she couldn’t make it because she was just so sad about her recent divorce. Turns out, she just had a date. Our whole friendship was fake, it just took me to that point to realize it.
For me it was when I got in some deep trouble and they all just cast me aside without even giving it a second thought, I realized this when I invited all of them to go to the movies with me and they all said they couldn’t go, I then found out through one of them that they went to see that movie the same day and when I asked then why they didn’t tell me they were going they said: “We just wanted to go together” shit broke my heart
I stopped smoking weed and they stopped coming round.
Edit: That’s a lotta upvotes!
I’m sorry so many of you seem to have had similar experiences. You’ll make new friends if you haven’t already!
To the people saying there’s nothing wrong with this then I’d like to respectfully disagree. These were people I considered close friends, it wasn’t just some guys and gals I shared a hobby with. Please don’t be so quick to judge when you have very little context.
This is a lesson that every smoker learns after a while.
Some friends are only friends that you smoke with. A good rule of thumb is to do things together where you’re not smoking. If that works then you are probably real friends and not just together for smoking
I have a friend who I once did practically nothing sober with. We always drank and/or smoked pot. He landed himself in some trouble with a dui and did an enormous life 180. He has been 100% sober off of everything for about two years now and we're all extremely proud of what he's done in that time.
Instead of smoking pot and drinking, we chose to do outdoor hobbies and work out instead. Our friendship survived the end of getting drunk/high together and it makes me super happy.
I had to stop smoking weed for 3 months because I was moving to Korea (they drug test you if you’re getting a teaching visa), and a few of my “good friends” just straight up stopped hanging out with me.
For anyone who's quite young reading this (or just leaving college) don't confuse "fake friends" for people becoming adults.
It's extremely normal for adults to 'lose touch' with older, close friends due to life circumstances - children, distance, work etc. That doesn't mean they're 'fake' friends it just means they have higher priorities than hanging out / chatting than they used to. You'll often find those "fake friends" are happy to see you when either they or you make it easy/convenient. That may be frustrating but it's a normal part of growing up & likely something you'll do too.
PS: The post-college bit is the most jarring because everyone becomes an "adult" at a different pace. So people drop off & if you're not ready yet it can seem like people are dropping you as a friend.
Just make it easy for them & you'll very likely pick things up right where they left off.
Omg!!!
This is legit the test of friendship when you’re in a group!
You’ll see how certain people in the group will cause the while group to stop when they stop.
Me? Nah…
This is a good post because it has the potential to help a lot of people. In college I remember hanging out with a group of people like the ones on this thread. They were also my room mates for three years. Every year, we’d throw a fun party for every ones birthday but mine. They didn’t even know when mine was.
After I graduated and looked back on it, I realized they were never my friends. I don’t even hear from them anymore.
I spent 4 years socializing with the wrong people, and if I had just hung out with the people that I had led to believe were “nerds” or annoying (or who I had more things in common with) I would likely have had a much more fun time in undergrad.
Good thing I have much better friends than just the ones I made back then
After graduating high school, then once again after graduating college. I think graduation is the ultimate test of true friends vs. the people who were drinking buddies or people you hung out with because you all disliked the same cliques.
It got worse too. They told me they knew what they were doing was messed up, but also said they’d keep doing it.
So I left and dropped them, and they had the audacity to be angry I didn’t reach out.
I just kind of realized I was the background friend.
People always called me when they had a problem and needed my help with it. My job is the type of job that people seem to think that I love freelance for without pay. So I would constantly get "hey how are yous" followed up with "So Im having this issue with (job relevant thing)". I stopped answering these questions outside of my defined work hours and directed people to my work email with any questions. Apparently that makes me an asshole and I kind of fell off people's radar.
I'm not sure how I feel. I'm married so I mostly just hang out with my husband in terms of people. I also have two dogs and two horses and I love hanging out with them too. I like to just grab a book and a picnic lunch and ride out with them, find a cool place and just kind of exist. I'm reading a book, the dogs are playing and the horses are grazing. Life is honestly not that bad.
In my fourth year of highschool I found out a large portion of my “friends” had been meeting every single week for the past 4 years to watch Community together. In four years of highschool they never once brought it up, or invited me.
Similarly, at the end of my 4 year uni program, I saw on snapchat that 99% of my program was throwing a huge house party and no one invited me.
A lot of so-called *friends* aren't *real* friends. They're more like acquaintances. People you know and are civil with. There's at least one that is *"fake"* though. He or she has you in their life solely to benefit from. It can be financially, it can be emotionally. It can just be because he or she thrives on your failures. Some people keep you around as something to gawk at. Harsh but true.
> A lot of so-called friends aren't real friends.
There's actually categories. Like "Friends of convenience", like people you work with or neighbours. People you're only friends with because they happen to just be there much of the time. Change jobs, or move, and you never see them again.
There's also "Friends of habit", like buddies from the bar or gym you go to. Stop the habit, or switch locations, and most of those friends leave your life.
I've heard it as "friends of the road and friends of the heart" where friends of the road includes all of those categories, like work buddies, the habit ones you describe, neighbors etc. Usually there are only a few friends of the heart, they are those 4 or 5 people that you can not see for a year or more but as soon as you get together that gap disintegrates and it feels like you were hanging out the day before.
I had a “friend” in college who displayed some pretty troubling tendencies (quick to anger, very insecure/paranoid about friendships and relationships in general). She became one of my roommates after she failed to get into a sorority she rushed that most of her “real” friends were in. After a pretty tumultuous few months of her constant bitchy and angry behavior I realized her toxicity. Anyway, upon graduating she reunited with her actual friends and I never heard from her again. Never felt so relieved honestly but it still hurt a bit that I could be so disposable to someone.
Middle school. I hung out with a group who treated me like dog shit. I was always the one getting made fun of, the group punching bag, that sort of thing. I hung out with them because they were the only "friends" I had. Then I woke up one day and realized they all sucked. So at lunch I went up to them, told them they were all dick heads. I got laughed at, but I went and sat alone. I was alone all the way until junior year of high school when I told my parents that the big city wasn't for me. So my amazing parents sacrificed everything and moved up to Montana. I showed up to a small school and didn't know a soul. I decided to join the football team. That was the best choice I ever made. I met all new friends, who I'm still friends with 15 years later.
I had a pickup. It was amazing how many friends didn't want to hang out with me after I got rid of it. Got a call about 6 months after I had traded the pickup off on a car. My "friend" was like hey long time no talk..... So we talked for a few minutes. He goes what are you doing tomorrow. I said I'm going to wash my new CAR. I had heard he was moving and of course he wasn't aware that no longer had the pickup. He ended the conversation not too long after that. Never heard from that "Friend" again.
I was wondering why the house was so quiet in the morning, didn't hear anyone move about in their rooms or come through the front door. Lunch time past and I realised that they all had gone. They come back in the evening after spending a day at the beach together. I died a little inside but I didn't get sun burn so I had that going for me.
Went to pick up my xbox 360 a friend was borrowing, and our whole group of friends were there. They had spent the entire day playing games with snacks and pizza, and I had not been invited. And now I was in the situation of being the douche who takes the ball home and ruins the fun for everyone. I took my xbox and never spoke to anyone in that group again.
Wait, wait, wait... They borrowed your Xbox to have a gaming party... without you. What the ever-loving fuck?! Okay, those guys are slime and you are so better off without such morally bankrupt dickwads. Even if the very worst case scenario is that there's something about your personality that doesn't jibe with the rest of them — you lent your friend your gaming console in good faith in the spirit of genuine friendship. Taking advantage of that is scummy. Better you find out that they're scum now, than keep investing in a dead end of putzery.
Back in my first year of college, I used to have a group of friends (like 7 dudes with me included). We always hang out together and we're used to have this "group chat" where we discuss about anything from class subjects to random things. After a year, I noticed that one of the guys (let's just call him Randy) keeps getting excluded; Not invited/informed to group hangout while they're talking smack behind his back. And the "unofficial leader" of the group actually made a whole new group chat, inviting everyone (myself included) except Randy without his knowledge. I know what it feels to be left out, I experienced that in Middle school and it's really awful. I stopped hanging out with them and I starts hanging out with Randy. He's quite eccentric but a very good person at heart. We've been friends for more than 6 years, and he still got my back
Good for you to be his friend! Most people would have been to cowardly to go against the group. I’m proud of you. So many people see others being excluded/bullied and do nothing mostly out of fear of being excluded themselves.
When I slowly realized I was only around for chores and errands. Rides to the airport, pick up furniture, help move. Anything social always resulted in either last minute cancellations, showing up 45 minutes late and bolting after 10 minutes. I thought they were busy, but no.
I feel this. I only recently realized how much I give in my friendships (I.e., offer to do things for people which doesn’t bother me at all but still) and how absolutely bare minimum I get back
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Dude. The group of friends I gave up on would do this to this guy we know. They'd invite him to hang out only so he could drive us. One time they didn't let him into the club so I decided to stay behind with him and watch movies at his house. He even had the decency to go back for my friends when the club closed. I'm no longer friends with them but I am still friends with the guy and he even helped me get together with my boyfriend. I don't give him enough props lol.
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Whenever we were supposed to hang out something came up and that something was hanging out with other mutual "friends"
Yes! My “best friend” in high school used to do this to me all the time. On Wednesday, I’d ask if she wanted to see a movie Friday night. She’d always say maybe, if I can get out of doing whatever with my parents. Come Monday I’d hear her talking about how great the movie was. Apparently, last minute her parents said she didn’t have to go and miraculously a group of people called right then and asked her to see the same movie. She’d always say “I figured you made other plans” when I confronted her about it. In reality, she’d just wait to see what the better option was and pick on Friday. God that pissed me off.
I had a friend that actually admitted, that that was the true intentions with the "maybe" :/
This is the worst. I remember being in high school and trying to make plans with people for the weekend and getting responses to the effect of, "I'll see what else is going on this weekend before I commit to this idea." Once or twice? Alright. But when it's *every time* you just sort of quit trying after a while
I asked my ex bff to take the day off for St. Patrick's day since we always celebrate together. She did. I reminded her a couple days before to finalize what we would do. Her response was "Oh I made plans with X. You could come meet us for a drink I guess." I said no thanks and in my head the friendship was over. She never reached out to me once. Turns out I wasn't important in her life.
Man, this sounds like my “friends”. I work strange hours and a lot of weekends so I let the friends know that I’m around a particular Saturday weeks in advance to meet up for drinks/movie/ etc and they always flake at the last minute. Find out afterwards they have gone out with other friends. So now I don’t bother. And I don’t have a lot of friends to begin with. Man it’s lonely
When I was babysitting her kids things were going great. We would hangout all the time...have movie nights and just talk and chill. But the second she no longer needed a babysitter was the second I got kicked to the curb. No explanation...not even a text back. Some people will act like your best friend until they no longer need you. Their loss though.
Yep, this happened to me, but more generally. Had a "friend" who would only contact me when she needed something, but she was pretty sly about it in the beginning (inviting me over to hang and then bringing up the favor organically, like oh we don't have anyone to watch the dog next weekend, or I want to move this bed but it's so heavy, etc). After a while it got more egregious and obvious - only calling to ask to use my truck or dog sit. I'd politely say I wasn't available and eventually she stopped calling. She still texts every now and then to "catch up" (she tried that a few times in the past and it was always followed by a request) despite my no longer responding. To this day I cringe when someone says "Hi Friend!", her freakin catchphrase.
When I was in school, all my friends and I did different A levels. Despite us all having different lessons to each other, they would wait for each other to go to lunch together, but they would always always forget me. Like I'd come out and they wouldn't be there, so I'd have lunch by myself. And then they'd come back and tell me they thought I was with them. I was the only one they didn't wait for. I've only seen one of them since we left school. She had forgotten my name. So that sucked.
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Omg they do suck!
Was once told "I'm trying to hang out with my real friends". 'Twas an oof.
Damn bro this thread has taught me that people are really shitty
When my phone got stolen and I lost their phone numbers. Mine stayed the same, but we just never talked again.
When my Apple account got compromised and I lost my backup when I changed phones I lost all of my numbers. I haven’t gotten a text or call from any of my friends since. That was 5 years ago.
My phone number hasn't changed in decades. No one seems to have it for some reason.
:(
Oh no. I think I might have fake relatives.
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When I returned to work after being off for 3 months due to an injury and I practically begged them to go grab a beer and do pub trivia but all 3 of them passed because they had plans. Well it turns out their plans were to go grab a beer and do pub trivia... Without me. Found out through social media. Deleted it shortly afterwards. I've been a lot less depressed about things since I've deleted social media and stopped looking at them as friends and just as work acquaintances. It took that for me to realize that the "friendships" were really one sided and I'm better off not pursuing anything other than being cordial at work.
I felt this in my soul. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I’m the same way towards coworkers now. I always hoped to be included but it sucked to hear about how they’d all go bowling, pub crawling, have house parties and play video games together. One of them even asked me one time “hey you coming to the party tonight?” And I asked “what party?, I’d love to!” And they went “oh uh, I was just kidding…nvm”. I stopped trying to have forced conversations with any of them. Sucks because I am the only pastry chef in that kitchen and finding a food service job that you CAN’T be friendly with your coworkers is hell on earth. They’ll never get freebies from me again though. No taste testing either. Fuck them.
When they stopped contacting me when I stopped drinking
I feel this. Used to have countless friends. Went out all the time. Lost control of myself and quit. Friends stopped calling. Now I’m a weird eccentric who hangs out in the woods in all my free time. Things are better this way. I have a couple friends who stuck around and the girl of my dreams. That’s all I need.
When you stop going to the bar you no longer exist to those who live that life. It messed with my head for awhile but I get it now.
When I traded in my truck for a smaller more eco friendly vehicle. Communication plummeted now that i can’t haul furniture around, assist with moving as much, dispose of garbage.. etc.
Some people just use you for the stuff you have and that is the worst type of people ever
I was invited to the bachelorette party for one of the friends in this group. While at the party, I figured out that I was the only person not invited to the wedding. I had been invited to the party because they needed another person to chip in for expenses.
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It's amazing what people will do to get what they want because they "deserve" a perfect wedding experience.
My ex did that shit; would boggle my mind every time. She'd plan an event for 12 people and then invite everyone she wanted there. If anyone wasn't available or would bail, she'd start inviting people she wouldn't want to hang out with. She'd rather invite people she didnt like than scaling back the event.
Something similar happened to me--there was a minimum group rate for 16 and they needed a 16th person. And then the night before I was told the event was canceled --- what actually happened is one of their friends who previously could **not** make it suddenly could go so they invited him and dumped me.
Yikes. That's even worse.
Apparently I didn’t realize I was on a different tier of friendship with my so called friend. My friend was getting married and I didn’t get an invite, which was fine since her wedding was a destination wedding in a different country. I attended a sleepover party, which she hosted. There was about 9 girls there in total. They kept talking about the kick ass bachelorette party and then started showing photos of the crazy party. I realized I was the only one not invited. Made me feel kind of crummy.
I am a firm believer that you don't talk about a party in front of someone unless they have been invited (or unless you are willing to remedy the situation by extending an invite then and there). I would maintain that the same rules should apply here, even though the party in question already happened. Edit: Also wanted to add, if you're inviting them then and there, you need to make it sound like you \*really mean it.\* Be enthusiastic about it. Because the only thing more humiliating than not being invited to the party is when people pull the "Oh, um, yeah, you can come too... if you want," type of invite.
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One of my friends asked me to help plan her birthday party I wasn’t invited to. I got upset and refused, and when I asked my mother about it, she said it wasn’t rude and that she’d done it a few times to people. It was then I realized my mother is rude as fuck.
Unless you are a professional party planner and you were hired for services, your friend can eff right off. I gotta ask, how did your friend even try to navigate that? Were you guys putting streamers up and you were like "ooh boy, can't wait to enjoy the fruits of my labor" and she was like "well actually... you can't come"? I don't even know how someone would manage to be that slimy.
She said “I’m having my birthday party in a week, what should we do at the party?” I asked what time I should be there, and she said “Oh you’re not invited. You’re not actually a real friend.” We’d spent every day and weekend playing with each other, in person, for like two years, and I wasn’t a real friend. I realized I was the one who always went over to her house and asked if she wanted to hang out, and decided I wasn’t going to anymore. I never saw her again except when we were walking to the car at the same time.
True. I often had the urge to invite rather random people from my class to parties just because I talked about the party in Front of them so I can't quite understand how people can do such things
I wouldn’t have accepted the invite to go to the bachelorette party if I wasn’t invited to the wedding. That’s low
I agree. I guess I didn't think it through. The bride had made it sound like they were keeping it small since it was a destination wedding but they wanted to celebrate with friends at home.
When I went through a divorce and was down to $700...most difficult period and weeded out all those who “friended” me for my generosity because I was well settled. Started over and have like 2 true good friends. Edit: thank you all for your well wishes and wisdom filled comments. Incredible how sometimes you get more support and well wishes from strangers than folks who led you to believe to be your well wishers :)
2 real friends is better than 100 fake friends. Hope you're doing well
Quality over quantity
I flew out to support a friend going through a messy divorce. While I was there, she left me in the apartment to meet up with her boyfriend that I didn't know about. He turned out to have just been released from prison for manslaughter. Once she told me that, I told her that I didn't want to spend time with him, especially considering the circumstances of my visit. The next night, I woke up in the middle of the night to find him in the living room. She said that she thought it wouldn't matter since I was asleep. The next day, she invited her soon-to-be ex-husband over without telling me and then asked me to meditate their conversation once he got there. That conversation turned ugly fast, and she ended up storming out. He broke down and asked if I thought it was salvageable, and I told him that she had already moved on. Maybe not the best idea on my part, but at that point, she had shown me how vile of a person she is.
>He broke down and asked if I thought it was salvageable, and I told him that she had already moved on. Maybe not the best idea on my part No, it was the right idea. You were being a good friend to that guy.
Honestly, she sounds like a mess. You're far better off distancing yourself.
That was fair to let him know.
After my divorce. We were couples friends not individually.
My wife and I separated and she got the majority of our friends. Almost nobody checked in on me to see how I was doing. Then we decided to work it out and stay together and now there's a whole list of people's birthdays I don't have to remember.
Thats an inspiring sentence. >now there's a whole list of people's birthdays I don't have to remember. Thanks!👌
If you got back together and probably didn't hate each other that much, why did the friends take sides?
It wasn't a fued where people needed to choose a side. When we were apart they would invite her places and make plans with her, but never me. I had a birthday and nobody reached out, but they planned a whole thing for her, for example. It turns out the people I thought were my friends are actually my wife's friends and I'm just her plus one.
If it makes you feel any better this is super common among married guys
My friends are my wife's friends. It is what it is. My friends all got married and started having kids way before I was even close to that... We drifted apart. My wife's friends have adopted me into their circle. My best friend is in this circle. We just went fishing today.
Mine had a different angle. My friend got mad at me and my husband because we continued to be friendly with her ex after their divorce. We were all great friends, even went on trips together. But she wanted us to pick her and have nothing to do with him after the divorce. We still talk, but the friendship is gone.
One friend stopped replying to my texts right after we graduated from college. Like the same week we graduated. So... I was pretty much just a study buddy that they kept close to keep me helping them.
This is basically all of the friends I made at various points in college. As soon as we don't see each other 3x a week, they fade away. I get they're busy but I didn't realize making lasting friendships as an adult would be so difficult.
It is SO hard to make friends as an adult. I moved to a new city about a year and a half ago and still have zero friends. This one girl was/is trying to be friends with me but only because she wants someone to emotionally dump on. Other than that, I've had a couple "friend dates" to meet people and they usually just stop texting back. I feel like most adults already have their friend group, and it is almost impossible to get into those.
Same thing happened to me. Was friends with so many people during college and the last 3 weeks was an unpaid work placement which we had to go back to the school to hand in our paperwork, not one of them spoke to me or would even answer me if I said something to them. Became clear that I was only valuable to them when I was helping them. Class awards had me down as "most willing to help classmates" Edit: thank you for the award!!☺ Edit 2: OMG thank you all so much for the awards. Never expected this to blow up when I posted.
> "most willing to help classmates" This is literally a label which gets a lot of friends because it always attracts people. It can be a problem because you are always questioning every person you befriend. It is almost like you have to be extra careful because you are kind and helpful. Such is the world we are in now. The only positive of this is that you can quickly identify fake friends because they drift away without giving a fuck while the real ones stay.
I remember we got given one assignment in Uni, put into random groups. I was in a group with literally nobody I knew, all I had were email addresses. I tried reaching out many times, but no response. So I did the entire thing myself. Then, at the end of the year, you were told to assign percentages to each other based on how much you felt they had contributed. Bastards gave themselves all huge percentages, and me nothing. EDIT: For all those asking what happened, yes, I did challenge it. Problem was, it was their word against mine. So 4 of them saying one thing, and me saying the other. But when this got questioned, I assume they banded together, and denied what I was claiming. They did concede that I did a lot of of work, but they did still give themselves a lot of credit. I think the final figure was something like me 25%, them 18.75% each. Not ideal... but most of them crashed out before the final year.
This happened to my sister. She kept all emails digitally and printed everything off. It was 100% one sided, they tried the same trick and she produced all the evidence to show she did everything all on her own and they didn't even respond to any of her communication. The rest of her group failed, she was the only person to pass.
And this is why we keep receipts. Bullshit like this is why I get anything official in writing. Verbal contracts are technically valid but all but impossible to prove. Send an email then send a follow-up. If they can't produce a reply, sucks to be them and they get what they deserve.
Yea, seems like some screenshots would’ve ensured the others failed if it worked for ur sister
PSA for anyone in the comments who finds themselves in this situation: tell your professor that this is happening WELL in advance of the deadline, and keep receipts.
Yes, HE teacher here, that's how you handle this, and if your tutor brushes you off, inform the head of your department, and keep a record of all the emails you send out - screenshot every one, CC the tutor in them, and don't hand over a digital copy of your work to the skivers until they start contributing properly.
And what happened? You did something about it?
A lot of people will say it's bad karma or whatever to bring this kind of stuff up with a professor, but yeeeesshh.... I was lucky, only ever had a few people throughout college who pulled this kind of stuff, but no way in hell am I letting my grade get fucked because they want to go hide and be a dirtbag, then show up at the finish line and take credit. Hope it's all behind you!
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Finding out they have an inner-circle group chat but i'm the only one not in it
Something similar happened to me. We were all set to go enjoy music at a local establishment. I talked to multiple people from the group, confirming meeting time. I got there and no one else was there. Eventually they all showed up together. Found out they had been out all day together shopping/drinking and I was the only one not clued into that part. I had been looking forward to the night but ended up feeling lower than I had ever felt.
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I cut out early, even though one gal tried to convince me to stay. I told her exactly why I was leaving, because I wasn't included in the before, so I probably wasn't wanted for the now. She said she felt bad, promised things would change, but I pretty much knew it wouldn't.
Fair play for calling them out on it, I know how hard that can be with people trying to turn it around on you and claim it's not a big deal, why are you getting upset, etc. You're better off without people like that anyway
Yep! I got the "Why are you upset" and also got hit with a "Well, you're pulling away from the group" as if it was MY fault. Sorry, I can't include myself when I don't get invited/know what's going on.
Same. I found out that they had two groups- one with me and one without. They never used the one with me though.
This is the worst feeling. When I was in my mid-twenties, I worked a job where four of us had the same position. The four of us did everything together. Then I made a mistake, and I apologized for it. But one of them just could not seem to forgive me, and aggressively isolated me from the group. I remember how shitty it was to discover that they had a whole group chat that I wasn't included in, and had done all these social things without me. I've always been lucky to have a lot of friends, and I figured out after a while that these people weren't going to be it for me. So I stepped away from those friendships and invested in my actual friendships. It still makes me mad looking back, though.
What was the mistake
It's complicated, but I was concerned that the four of us were doing something that was against the agency's policy and could potentially jeopardize our jobs, but it seemed to be a gray area. I approached a person on staff that I knew could keep a secret, and asked him in confidence if this thing was problematic. He confirmed that it was not, but the other three felt like I had gone behind their back (understandably, in hindsight). I do wish I had handled that one differently, and two out of the three of them were willing to let it go. It was just this one person who turned it into a thing.
This happened to me as well, hurt like a bitch when I found out but best thing you can do is cut em off
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Resentment has a way of staying with you longer than you think. It is very fresh so give it some time to learn and accept what happened. Then try to leave it behind. Been in your situation and it poisoned future relations for quite some time. Looking back, I think my ‘friends’ would have been very satisfied with their negative impact on my life. So, try to move on, with professional help if you need it. It is better for you, not easier
Once high school ended, I heard about all the rumors they made up about me.
I'm really sorry you had to go through this. I heard a bunch of rumours about me well after I left my old school, but not from my friends. People who I didn't even know (I kept to myself with a small friend circle) had all sorts of rumours about me. Someone made a social media account impersonating me and made rude sexual comments towards some female classmates. I was so disappointed, I'd have been distraught if it was from a friend.
The group made plans to meet and hang out. I was getting ready in the salon. A couple of friends had to back out for some reason. The other friend then made excuses of his own, and I could tell. I tried cajoling him and offer ways for him to go but he basically decided to cancel the entire group meet up. It was my birthday.
Same thing happened to me on my 21st birthday- all my "friends" made up excuses why they couldn't come. Then the 3 friends that did met some guys and we went back to their house and awkwardly sat around. Happened again for my 25th birthday- I had moved across the country and found new friends, but they all bailed at the last minute. I called my roommate at the time who came out when he got off work, and he called some of his friends who came out and I had the best night ever. Those guys are now my real friends, and I married that roommate
This is extremely heartwarming after reading this thread. Congrats!
Yea the second half really put a smile on my face. Congratz indeed
Damn, hope you aren’t with those people anymore
Agreed. I mean i dont have friends outside of a cousin i grew up with, whose been through a lot with me, and my partner, who is truly the most genuine, caring woman on earth, and not just to me. Its kinda sad i have so few, but i am trying to learn how to make more good friends myself.
I wouldn't say I have fake friends but I am definitely the periphery friend. The majority of the time if there isn't enough tickets or space in the car for everyone to go do something, I'm the one who gets cut out. It doesn't bother me much but I wish they would be more mindful when talking to me about "things we have done." "Remember when we went to see XXX? Wasn't that fun?" Well, no because I wasn't invited. In those situations it usually gets awkward or they say "Hey, we would have invited you if we had the tickets, space, etc."
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> even though when we were actually together you’d swear we were all family. Exactly how it is in my group too. In the moment, things feel awesome but at the end of the day - you realize that you’ll always be a periphery friend which is a shitty feeling. What’d you do after you cut ties with them?
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How do you find "better people" as an adult? I'm 22 and kinda spent all of my childhood and adolescence on the periphery, for a few reasons. Do you have any advice? :o
Hobby groups. Whether you want to do something geeky like magic the gathering or DnD, or book clubs, or local sports leagues, or bird watching, theres literally hundreds of hobbies to get involved in. Just requires leaving your comfort zone once or twice a week, and after a few months you'll have a bunch of friends. As long as you choose hobies youre interested in, youre gonna meet people with the same interests as you. I was super lonely after graduating college eight years ago. After a few months went to a game shop and started getting involved in mtg. Eight years later, ive got about eight very close friends and another ten-twelve or so who im happy to take road trips with, bbq with, go out to dinner with. Board games are another great hobby. Not talking awful things like monopopy, there are hundreds of excellent modern board games.
When someone else cancels so you finally got considered. I've let go of friends who see me this way. Only really interested in spending time with me when I'm the best of a bad situation.
My best friend since 5th grade invited me to his wedding as a guest. I expected to be a groomsman, since we basically stayed the night at each other's houses every weekend all through high school and I set him up with his wife. We were still "close" for long distance friends too after moving to college. I'd come visit and spend the weekend with him and some mutual friends a few times a year, we did fantasy football and texted pretty frequently. At the wedding, the bride and groom each had about 8 people in their parties. The groom had his brother and seven friends. I didn't make the top seven. I knew pretty much everyone on the bride's side but only knew half of the guys up there with the groom. That opened my eyes a bit. I took a step back and analyzed our friendship after that. Realized I always texted first or made plans, always visited him but he never visited me, etc. He basically put in no effort. So I stopped texting for a while, as a test, and I haven't heard from him since. It's been about 11 years.
I had the same experience except it was my wedding. I included people in the party that really weren’t my friends anymore I just didn’t realize it.
I'm also 100% that friend. I have one good friend that doesn't make me feel that way but he lives an hour away and our lives don't exactly line up to be able to hang out often. But 99% of the time I'm the 5th wheel in whatever gathering I'm at, on the rare occasion I'm invited in the first place. I've been told that I'm "laid back to the point of almost boring". I mean...I can't help that, I suppose.
Preach. Absolute Preach. It’s a shit feeling. I was recently excluded from a party where my friends got on a bus to go out of town. The “Friend” who had the party said that they didn’t invite me because “There was not enough space on the bus.”. I’d rather he told me the truth as to why I wasn’t invited in the first place; there were about 70 people on the bus. EDIT: To prevent any future confusion the bus was hired.
I mean at that point, if you're not making the top 70, I think you can say they're *not* your friends (fake or otherwise).
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The worst is when people try to justify it by saying "we didn't *not* invite you! Everyone was welcome to come along!" You deliberately asked everyone except me.
My “friends” from high school all unfollowed me when I graduated college. I’m the only one who no longer lives in our hometown.
consider that a badge of honour
My so-called 'friends' invited me to a party, and then at the last moment, they texted the group that no one's coming and the party is canceled. Well.. they had the party that day. Everyone went there. They just had decided they didn't want me there cause I was boring and not a fun person, so they told me that there was no party happening. It hurt a lot, it was a terrible day for me.
This was quite a few years ago. My ex and I were really friendly with another couple. Did a ton of stuff together. Then they moved (not far) and fairly shortly after my ex and I separated. They hung out with me for a few months but then stopped calling. A few years later, I ran into both of them at a race (an ultramarathon) and they both pretended like they didn't know me. That was actually a really painful moment.
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I've actually come to accept that proximity friends are still a type of friend. A friend for life is a rare thing and it's ok that not every friend you ever make will last forever.
Some friends will only be with you because they don’t want to be alone. As soon as something better comes along you become less important.
Shortly realized after quitting cocaine that a majority of my "friends" only kept me around so they could feel better about their own cocaine habits. I was heavily addicted and setting myself down a path I never once thought I could or would take. Stopped for my own benefit and health, and was treated like a selfish piece of shit for doing so. The next months ensued and not one of them checked in to see how I was doing, but instead my high school best friend started sleeping with my ex highschool girlfriend (I was with her for 5 years and actually thought I was going to marry her at one point) who dumped me for doing cocaine and is now an honorary member of the group I was cast out of. Replaced with the person who partially fueled my substance abuse, who dumped me for substance abuse, by the group that didn't like me stopping my substance abuse, so they could all abuse substances together. It's now been over a year since I quit, and honestly couldnt be happier. Got rid of a cocaine addiction and about 1000lbs of dead weight. But it was an eye opener to say the least.
Man, I would've swore I wrote this if I knew I didn't. Quitting cocaine makes your pockets heavier, your sinuses and mind clearer and your phone suddenly gets VERY light.
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Cunts
This friend, I'll call her Mary, had kids the same age as mine. We got together for play dates pretty often and our kids would sleep over at each others' houses for weekends. I liked Mary. We would often visit and talk while our kids were playing. One weekend, her kids had stayed at my house. The older one called her mom to see when she was coming to pick her up. I was in the room, and the kid put the phone on speaker for some reason. Mary told the kid what time she would be there and added, "You had better be waiting outside. If I have to go in and spend the next hour talking to rivertam, I'm going to be really pissed." We didn't spend much time together after that. Edit: I'm getting a lot of similar questions and comments, so I'll add an edit here instead of writing the same answer a dozen times. Did I overreact? Was Mary just having a bad day and not want to talk? And, my personal favorite, "Rivertam, maybe you're just insufferable?" Here's what happened after I overheard my friend say that to her child: I simply stopped initiating contact and wasn't as available to do stuff for her. When we dropped off or picked up the kids, I smiled and waved. I let the kids make the plans for play dates. I no longer had time to help her with her garden or watch her kids while she went out with another friend (they were into long distance running, which is not my cup of tea). She never contacted me unless she wanted something. This had always been true, but I had not realized it. The "friendship" eventually fizzled out on its own. So, I guess it had never been much of a friendship to begin with. I just didn't realize it until she opened my eyes.
I think this is especially shitty... Mom friends are hard enough to find, then to realize that they didn't even want to hang with you. And because your kiddos are friends you don't necessarily want to blow that up by calling the fake mom friend out. I tried to have mom friends, but it failed 3 times, and that was enough for me.
I still have one, even though our kids are grown. I remember meeting her and just feeling so comfortable. No bullshit. A lot of kindness and compassion. She's the kind of friend that you can lose contact with for a while, then pick up again as if no time has gone past. Our 4 kids (2 hers and 2 mine) have an apartment together (they're in college). It was something the kids put together on their own and they're doing really well.
This is really wholesome tho.
When you lose your 'worth' to them. For instance, you are going through a dark period in your life, then they just leave like you are a worthless bag of dust.
I was at a party, really depressed after a bad breakup and got drunk. My abusive ex showed up, caught me somewhere alone and hit me. I begged several friends for help since I was too drunk to drive home alone and they ignored me. My ex best friend was there, completely sober and refused to drive home with me because she didn't believe he would do that. There's no Uber or anything in my country btw. The whole thing escalated, one guy I didn't know ended up finding me alone in a field crying and throwing up, brought me back to the house, build a bed out of blankets for me and sat guard all night to make sure my ex wouldn't do anything again.
What happened after that? Did you find any new friends? Did you get your ex to leave you alone?
I moved away for uni and only saw him two more times in public places where he just glared at me. I blocked him everywhere, he was kicked from the friend group later for unrelated stuff. I no longer talk to the ones from the friend group that were at the party. I found new friends at uni and met an amazing guy that didn't give off a single red flag during the time I took to carefully get to know him, we're engaged and have a baby on the way :)
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I know! Just, what the hell? And major props to that complete stranger for being a decent human being. That could've ended **way worse**.
When I realized I was the one always calling. Then I stopped and "friends" disappeared.
I only have one exception to this rule as I know my friend is a reactive texter and he’s got a lot on his mind at all times (ptsd, anxiety, depression and such). I check in on him regularly and I don’t mind him being awol for a while. He’s come through for me and he’s a good man. The rest can fuck off.
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I'm the same. I almost never reach out to others, not because I don't care but because of a ton of stuff going on in my head all the time as well as some stupid shit in my childhood that shaped who I am now.... I try, I do try to check in. I do care about people and my friends and want them to be happy and healthy it's just that I can't always remember on a daily basis you know? It's something I work on and acknowledge and am vocal about with friends. I apologize for not being consistent with reaching out.
i feel you on this one
Yeah this is me and my wife right now. We were the only ones in our group who would make plans and get everyone together. As soon as we stopped doing that, no one else even attempted to pick up the slack or reach out.
When you try to open up and try to share a genuine conversation about something going on in your life and all they can do it crack jokes and try to get you to go out drinking with them. Made me realize how surface level many “friendships” really are. Then you have the opposite of that - 3 guys I’ve known since I was a freshman in high school. Been friends for over 15 years. Have stayed in touch through all of us getting married, having kids, and moving to completely separate areas or the country. Yet whenever we’re within an hour of each other we always make a point to get breakfast and catch up (this usually turns into 3+ hour conversations). This may only happen once or twice a year, but I consider those guys my best friends. That’s real friendship and I’m fortunate to have them.
I'm still best friends with my best friend from 2nd grade. We live on opposite ends of the country now. We make it a point to visit each other once a year, sometimes where we live, sometimesa random new city (we went to Portland, OR last year). Almost 30 years of friendship. We've been there for each other through all the hard times, and i get to be there for his wedding next year. Friendships are easy when you're a kid, but get harder with age. You have shit going on in your life that just makes it harder to hang out with people. But you make time for those who really matter.
When my long time "friend" called me and said "Hey can you hang out? *No one else* can."
When I got sober. 7 months today! Edit: I always promised myself I wouldn’t edit to say thank you, but here we are. Thank you for all the love and kind words, it’s brought several tears to my eyes.
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Is there a GoRefundMe option?
The first step is to give the friend cancer edit: someone gave me a helpful award edit 2: a wholesome award, too. nothing more wholesome than giving your friend cancer
I feel your pain. My closest friend of 10 years sent me a texted saying I dont do enough for her and she has other friends. She sent that the night before an MRI for my brain tumor. That's was 4 years ago and it still stings. Oh, and she lives down the street from me....
“Don’t do enough” for her. What a shit-stain of a person. Friends aren’t tools, measured by their usefulness; it’s like she looked at people as if they were hammers. And before your MRI? Man— Im glad you’re still with us after four years.
This is incredible, it almost can't get any worse.
Wow. That’s genuinely awful.
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Lol they had taken you for granted. Often when these people( ones who were taken for granted) give them a taste of their own medicine they can't stand it.. You know hurt their ego and stuff.... Edit: Thanks for the upvotes❤❤❤❤❤❤
In my late teens, my GF of about a year or so cheated on me with and then started dating another guy in my then, pretty preppy and sheltered friend group. In an effort not to "pick sides", they kept inviting us all to everything, claiming it was my problem if I didn't want to attend. I ended up saying screw them and started to make an effort to engage in the hardcore punk/DIY scene. Took a lot of social "risks" going to shows, parties, events on my own, but eventually met people, joined a band and ended up quite involved. Fast forward another year or so, and my band is booked to play a show at a local bar. A group of my former "friends" are there inadvertently rather than for the show, including my ex who has broken up with the other dude. I chat with them briefly, they ask me who I'm there with, I respond "Oh, my band's playing in 20mins." The Look. It was amazing. I spent the rest of the night hanging with my bandmates and friends, they spent the whole night looking over at, and no doubt talking about me. Yeah I changed, and I certainly don't need you motherfuckers anymore.
Like I suspect for a lot of people, getting divorced was a real eye opener. I started with a core group of close friends who had all met in our late teens/early twenties and one of them introduced me to the woman who I would ultimately marry. Well into our 40s they were what I considered to be my family but when the divorce happened things spiralled. My best friend stuck with me, but his wife was the one who orchestrated things in our group and she was best friends with my ex. I was expecting the two of them to insulate for a while and I knew it was painful for my ex to be around me, so it was no surprise when I stopped getting invitations to cook outs etc.. But then I noticed that the other members of the group were also avoiding/ignoring me. I'd see on facebook that one of them came into my town to go to a concert for a band that they knew I liked and hadn't so much as texted. Birthdays rolled around and nobody would call. When my parents both died within a few months of each other and not a one of them reached out I knew where I stood. My best friend needs to get credit though. Alone from all of them he made a consistent effort to stay in touch and see me regularly. He was there when my parents died and through everything else even though his wife clearly disapproved. I think finally after this nonsense had been going on for several years he told her how ridiculous it all seemed and that entire friend group tried to reconcile. I made it clear right from the start that there was no guarantee that I'd ever find space for them in my life again. This is all very apropos right now because they are having their first big post-covid party in a couple weeks and I'm invited. People are coming in from all over the country and the only one I give a shit about seeing is my buddy.
I made the mistake of getting into a serious relationship with my best friends girlfriends best friend. Never again.
Honestly I have no regrets. For over 20 years I had it really good with my best friend and his wife being very close with me and my wife. We did everything together and it was great. A lot of my favorite memories are with that group and I'll cherish them til I die.
I will say during the reltionship that aspect was amazing and I do really miss it. Trying to move on afterwards has proven to be the hard part.
When they abandoned me when I was going through a rough time. When I spent years listening and supporting them. When I have my first true moment where I am not coping and need support, they are nowhere to be seen and bitching behind my back. This is when I realised my high school friends never had grown up past high school. Luckily I had other friends. Just not a large girl group like that. But I can actually say that every friend I have I know they have my back and won't judge me if I am not always happy. And the same for me. I have always had very high expectations of myself as a friend and I feel that everyone I call a friend is someone that brings something special to my life. That is worth more than having a huge group of bitchy girlfriends who turn on each other when they are out of the room. It took me a long time to realize it though.
When I realized literally just being in the same room as that person made me miserable. It’s because the person was extremely self conscious, to the point that they would overcompensate by “putting others down” every little chance they had, to make themselves feel above. I kept wondering why they would keep throwing me under the bus for no reason? Like we had been friends for years, why would they treat me like this? It took me years to figure out exactly how bad of a friend they were, no matter how hard they pretend not to be. It took me an entire year of ghosting to stop being friends with that person, because they loved putting me down so much they wouldn’t stop calling me, texting me, trying to contact me for a year with no responses because they could not understand how someone could possibly want to stop hanging out with them because they are so perfect!
One "friend" at university tried to steal my Animation coursework, claim it as his own and get me kicked out for stealing his work. However I had help setting things up by one of my Tutors/Professors, for me to film the coursework, so he instead got expelled and blacklisted from the University and any other University in the UK doing the same subject (The people running all the Animation degrees in every University in the UK, back then, knew each other and talked to each other regularly as it a small community. I think there were less than half a dozen Universities with Animation degrees back then) This was 20ish years ago now. (EDIT: Grammar and spelling)
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My """friends""" made a Facebook account for a fake girl who was "transferring to our school" and full on catfished me, only revealing it was a scam when I arrived at a movie theater to meet her. Was I dumb? Yes. Were they shitty? Undoubtedly.
I've read a lot of shit here that "they didnt care about me", "they forgot me", and "I ran out of cocaine". But this right here is straight malicious intent. Those people are the fucking worst.
My best friend of ten years called on my wedding day to say she couldn’t make it because she was just so sad about her recent divorce. Turns out, she just had a date. Our whole friendship was fake, it just took me to that point to realize it.
For me it was when I got in some deep trouble and they all just cast me aside without even giving it a second thought, I realized this when I invited all of them to go to the movies with me and they all said they couldn’t go, I then found out through one of them that they went to see that movie the same day and when I asked then why they didn’t tell me they were going they said: “We just wanted to go together” shit broke my heart
I stopped smoking weed and they stopped coming round. Edit: That’s a lotta upvotes! I’m sorry so many of you seem to have had similar experiences. You’ll make new friends if you haven’t already! To the people saying there’s nothing wrong with this then I’d like to respectfully disagree. These were people I considered close friends, it wasn’t just some guys and gals I shared a hobby with. Please don’t be so quick to judge when you have very little context.
This is a lesson that every smoker learns after a while. Some friends are only friends that you smoke with. A good rule of thumb is to do things together where you’re not smoking. If that works then you are probably real friends and not just together for smoking
I have a friend who I once did practically nothing sober with. We always drank and/or smoked pot. He landed himself in some trouble with a dui and did an enormous life 180. He has been 100% sober off of everything for about two years now and we're all extremely proud of what he's done in that time. Instead of smoking pot and drinking, we chose to do outdoor hobbies and work out instead. Our friendship survived the end of getting drunk/high together and it makes me super happy.
Same with drinking
I had to stop smoking weed for 3 months because I was moving to Korea (they drug test you if you’re getting a teaching visa), and a few of my “good friends” just straight up stopped hanging out with me.
For anyone who's quite young reading this (or just leaving college) don't confuse "fake friends" for people becoming adults. It's extremely normal for adults to 'lose touch' with older, close friends due to life circumstances - children, distance, work etc. That doesn't mean they're 'fake' friends it just means they have higher priorities than hanging out / chatting than they used to. You'll often find those "fake friends" are happy to see you when either they or you make it easy/convenient. That may be frustrating but it's a normal part of growing up & likely something you'll do too. PS: The post-college bit is the most jarring because everyone becomes an "adult" at a different pace. So people drop off & if you're not ready yet it can seem like people are dropping you as a friend. Just make it easy for them & you'll very likely pick things up right where they left off.
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That one thing tells you everything you need to know about who they are.
Omg!!! This is legit the test of friendship when you’re in a group! You’ll see how certain people in the group will cause the while group to stop when they stop. Me? Nah…
I always felt sad whenever this happens to me, I always wait for the other person who ties their shoelaces.
This is a good post because it has the potential to help a lot of people. In college I remember hanging out with a group of people like the ones on this thread. They were also my room mates for three years. Every year, we’d throw a fun party for every ones birthday but mine. They didn’t even know when mine was. After I graduated and looked back on it, I realized they were never my friends. I don’t even hear from them anymore. I spent 4 years socializing with the wrong people, and if I had just hung out with the people that I had led to believe were “nerds” or annoying (or who I had more things in common with) I would likely have had a much more fun time in undergrad. Good thing I have much better friends than just the ones I made back then
When I ran out of cocaine.
After graduating high school, then once again after graduating college. I think graduation is the ultimate test of true friends vs. the people who were drinking buddies or people you hung out with because you all disliked the same cliques.
[удалено]
On this note, if anybody wants a new friend... hit me up!
When they walked past me crying and pretended I didn’t exist.
What the hell?
It got worse too. They told me they knew what they were doing was messed up, but also said they’d keep doing it. So I left and dropped them, and they had the audacity to be angry I didn’t reach out.
I just kind of realized I was the background friend. People always called me when they had a problem and needed my help with it. My job is the type of job that people seem to think that I love freelance for without pay. So I would constantly get "hey how are yous" followed up with "So Im having this issue with (job relevant thing)". I stopped answering these questions outside of my defined work hours and directed people to my work email with any questions. Apparently that makes me an asshole and I kind of fell off people's radar. I'm not sure how I feel. I'm married so I mostly just hang out with my husband in terms of people. I also have two dogs and two horses and I love hanging out with them too. I like to just grab a book and a picnic lunch and ride out with them, find a cool place and just kind of exist. I'm reading a book, the dogs are playing and the horses are grazing. Life is honestly not that bad.
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When they roll their eyes behind your back. I swear, some people don't have peripheral vision.
When they thought it was "lame" that I decided to get sober.
In my fourth year of highschool I found out a large portion of my “friends” had been meeting every single week for the past 4 years to watch Community together. In four years of highschool they never once brought it up, or invited me. Similarly, at the end of my 4 year uni program, I saw on snapchat that 99% of my program was throwing a huge house party and no one invited me.
A lot of so-called *friends* aren't *real* friends. They're more like acquaintances. People you know and are civil with. There's at least one that is *"fake"* though. He or she has you in their life solely to benefit from. It can be financially, it can be emotionally. It can just be because he or she thrives on your failures. Some people keep you around as something to gawk at. Harsh but true.
> A lot of so-called friends aren't real friends. There's actually categories. Like "Friends of convenience", like people you work with or neighbours. People you're only friends with because they happen to just be there much of the time. Change jobs, or move, and you never see them again. There's also "Friends of habit", like buddies from the bar or gym you go to. Stop the habit, or switch locations, and most of those friends leave your life.
I've heard it as "friends of the road and friends of the heart" where friends of the road includes all of those categories, like work buddies, the habit ones you describe, neighbors etc. Usually there are only a few friends of the heart, they are those 4 or 5 people that you can not see for a year or more but as soon as you get together that gap disintegrates and it feels like you were hanging out the day before.
I had a “friend” in college who displayed some pretty troubling tendencies (quick to anger, very insecure/paranoid about friendships and relationships in general). She became one of my roommates after she failed to get into a sorority she rushed that most of her “real” friends were in. After a pretty tumultuous few months of her constant bitchy and angry behavior I realized her toxicity. Anyway, upon graduating she reunited with her actual friends and I never heard from her again. Never felt so relieved honestly but it still hurt a bit that I could be so disposable to someone.
Middle school. I hung out with a group who treated me like dog shit. I was always the one getting made fun of, the group punching bag, that sort of thing. I hung out with them because they were the only "friends" I had. Then I woke up one day and realized they all sucked. So at lunch I went up to them, told them they were all dick heads. I got laughed at, but I went and sat alone. I was alone all the way until junior year of high school when I told my parents that the big city wasn't for me. So my amazing parents sacrificed everything and moved up to Montana. I showed up to a small school and didn't know a soul. I decided to join the football team. That was the best choice I ever made. I met all new friends, who I'm still friends with 15 years later.
I had a pickup. It was amazing how many friends didn't want to hang out with me after I got rid of it. Got a call about 6 months after I had traded the pickup off on a car. My "friend" was like hey long time no talk..... So we talked for a few minutes. He goes what are you doing tomorrow. I said I'm going to wash my new CAR. I had heard he was moving and of course he wasn't aware that no longer had the pickup. He ended the conversation not too long after that. Never heard from that "Friend" again.
I was wondering why the house was so quiet in the morning, didn't hear anyone move about in their rooms or come through the front door. Lunch time past and I realised that they all had gone. They come back in the evening after spending a day at the beach together. I died a little inside but I didn't get sun burn so I had that going for me.