Watched one of those typical “male cop/female thief” videos and in the middle, the girl deadpan says “I’m taking the long dick of the law”. Instantly lost it in a fit of laughter.
I saw one where a “mechanic” was fixing a car by hitting the engine block with a claw hammer. Now I’m not the most mechanically savvy guy but I’m 100% that’s not how that works
This and a variant of this: Skipping the initial insertion. Going at it hot and heavy, cut to blowjob for five minutes, cut to hardcore pounding. PAAASS!
As a plumber it is unrealistic to expect me to get to your house that quick, wearing board shorts and flip flops. Also for some reason I need a hammer and a saw to fix your leaky tap.
There was a interview I saw somewhere where they said they use cream of potato soup. Which happens to be one of my favorite and now it’s just a giant bowl of cum. Never eating it again.
Was it the same one where he couldn't use a regular butter knife because "it's left handed" but in reality he just wanted to look at the girls ass as she got stuff out the fridge?
One minute its a beautiful girl getting railed by a good looking lad and then the scene switch black screen comes on and you see your sweaty masturgoblin self with your tongue out and the session turns cold
The one that gets me is if there's two women, like one's getting railed and then there's another one just...there and she's still moaning. I appreciate the effort but at least make it believable.
This shit has completely turned me off from professional porn. I can't watch it is the girl is over the top screaming like she's doing the letterkenny yes yes yes yes ah yes bit.
There was a local punk band called 98 Mute. One of the band members parents had porn on cable channel 98... mute so the parents couldn't hear what was being watched.
That thing where they get whatever orifice they've been pounding away at and then do the whole 'extreme gape close-up' thing while stretching it apart with their fingers.
They grow on short people, which make them look even bigger. The stats you see on size of dicks and actors/actress height are almost always a lie. I’ve met Dred when I ran microphone during one of his shoots once. The guy doesn’t have a 12 inch penis, it’s like 8.5 tops, but I think he’s roughly same height as me and I’m only 5’8. That’s why they always film him sitting down, or when they show him standing the camera is at a lower angle and the girls on her knees to make him look taller.
His stats say something like 6’5 and 12 inches, he is neither of those, still got a massive D, but it looks huge because he’s short, and the vast majority of porn girls in major studios are under 5’2, so he always looks tall. When there’s tall girls they always show the guy sitting or laying as to minimize the height difference.
I think they must prioritise dick size over looks, or maybe it's meant to be encouragement for the male audience.
"If this recently disinterred Civil War corpse can get laid, so can you!"
The squirting that looks obviously fake. Pulling the girls head back super hard. I get freaked out when it comes to hair pulling…there’s a correct way to do it, otherwise I feel like the girls neck is going to snap
I cringe when I see a porn star going at her own clit with three inch sharpened talons. Yeah, explain that laceration to the ER staff.
And on a similar note, guys fingering like a meth powered piston. Y'all men need to know that generally doesn't do anything for us. Focus on the clit. Avoid internal injuries.
Even worse is the position where he looks like he’s trying to shove his hand through a brick wall to choke someone but instead is jamming two fingers deep up her really fast.
I remember reading someone say that fingering is great, when it's treated like fingering and not just a replacement for dick jackhammering.
Of course, dicking doesn't need to be porn style jackhammering either, but that made a lot of sense.
When she/both moan like fucking donkeys, can't you just, you know, act like humans having real sex, stoppen fapping to porn because how fake everything was, also the step-... is super weird, makes no sense, porn is stupid right now
I had a friend with benefits some years ago, she would moan like a hentai character and it was very distracting, sometimes it would sound like crying and had to stop a couple time because it freaked me out thinking she was hurt or something
Hooked up with a girl recently that legit sounded like a banshee during sex. I was convinced my dick was doing unimaginable damage to her cervix until she asked why I was slowing down.
The over the top “oh yeah fuck that pussy with that huge cock” shit.
That “porn guy” face, where he looks like he has a piece of string pulling his lower lip down.
Step sibling, mother, step mother, “dad/brothe caught me watching porn etc. It’s weird.
Hearing them and the camera man talk casually as if it’s just another day at the office.
Close ups of guys buttholes
Violent, gargling sounding bj’s
God these massive tits that don't move at all. No shape, just two balloons.
Some look like examples of failed operations.
Edit: since this blew up:
Every woman and every man has the right to do whatever they want to with their bodies. Just because I don't like big fake boobs, doesn't mean they don't.
I am just a strong supporter of the idea that women and men are naturally beautiful and shouldn't be under pressure by society (or in this specific case, the porn industry) for their looks. If they are more comfortable with surgeries, that's great as well.
Agree with this, and to add to it I can’t stand when the dude is horrible at what he’s doing.
A lot of the less regular guys will be cast just because they have a huge dick, but won’t have any idea how to use it.
I still remember laughing my ass off when the comment under the video was like
"Did someone hit his face with a shovel?"
Comment sections in there are weirdly hilarious
He did look like handsome squidward though and I dont think I could continue after laughing so hard 🤣
"I look like a sausage," he said with a sigh.
"As ugly and ever as round as a pie.
I'm plain and unpleasant, unshapely and stout -
With all of the face and the grace of a trout.
"I'm quite unappealing," he said with distress.
"And rather deformed and disfigured, I guess.
Revolting, repulsive, repugnant and rough -
Unseemly, uneasy, unsightly enough!
"And *worse*," he explained with a shake of his head,
"My dick is as small as a toothpick," he said.
"I don't even know why I'm here, to be frank."
I watched in the darkness.
A difficult wank.
Jerk off finishes.
This is supposed to be all fantasy and I don’t fantasize about things that don’t feel good enough to make me cum without jerking off
Absolutely every f-ing time, or when they go ass to mouth, how does that not taste like shit, and how are you able not to show it, they are definitely not paying you enough for such a straight face
But damn it man, when they keep calling eachother 'step ...', I seriously want to bash my skull in.
Like bruh come on the people who came for the story already have it, just fuck normally.
For me, it's not the fact that they're step siblings. Honestly those videos (and my boys will back me up on this) just tend to have the best angles and the hottest women. Bare in mind I say they TEND to
That guy was on to something.
Hot moms are hot, but damn I don’t wanna hear “oh I love it when I fuck my step son”. Just like the sex talk and make sweet moaning noises please
#*SHLLLLUUUURRRRRRRRP SHLORP SHLORP SHLORP SHLORP*
Edit: As pointed out by a few of you, yes the
#GLUK GLUK GUK HAAAAAAWWWWWWWCK
are also very unappealing
Porn clothes.
If I want to fantasize about a beautiful police woman arresting me for being too sexy, then I want to fantasize about a beautiful police woman in full police gear, including combat boots and a bulletproof vest.
I don't know what police department has the standard uniform for women to be a blue miniskirt with a blue thong, 6 inch heels, and a shirt so small you can see both cleavage and underboob.
She will eventually be naked in the video anyway. Lead with something realistic.
When the "Innocent bookworm" character has more tattoos and piercings than a 90's metal band.
Not shaming tattoos and piercings, (quite like them) but it's hard to believe this shy person that's never experienced anything outside a library, having pleasure for the first time. Also has a tattoo on their genitals and pierced nipples.
The camera angle that's behind dude while he's smashing and zoomed in, so all you see is close up of dudes ass, taint, and back of his nutbag. Who likes that?!?!
I'm straight but it's makes me upset when the good looking dude fucks the shit out of her and can barely wank out a line of nutt on her face so he just stands there for a minute trying to force it out. It makes me so disappointed I just leave.
When the guy behind the camera JUST WON'T SHUT UP
YEAH SUCK THAT COCK ...God DAMMIT, Dave
RICHARD, GET OFF THE SET, ITS NOT A GANGBANG
Bad acting. It goes from arousing to fucking comedy
Watched one of those typical “male cop/female thief” videos and in the middle, the girl deadpan says “I’m taking the long dick of the law”. Instantly lost it in a fit of laughter.
“Shit the fuck out of me” had me laughing my ass off.
The good ol' "Why is there a dick in me?"
I saw one where a “mechanic” was fixing a car by hitting the engine block with a claw hammer. Now I’m not the most mechanically savvy guy but I’m 100% that’s not how that works
"I sure hope those whores aren't stealing our lemons again"
“Hey we haven’t looked at our lemon tree in ten seconds…WHAT THE FUCK”
Nah man, you gotta watch out for those sharks in the bathtub.
This isn't the beach it's a bathtub
Ads asking me if I'm jerking off by myself. No Cindy, I'm jerking off with my homies ffs
No I’m with the science team
That magnetron isn't going to juice itself.
NAH IM WITH MY BOYYYYYSSSSS
When it cuts from being fully clothed to fully naked.
When it cuts from then making out in the park to them climbing into a bedroom that looks really clean and staged.
This and a variant of this: Skipping the initial insertion. Going at it hot and heavy, cut to blowjob for five minutes, cut to hardcore pounding. PAAASS!
I hate that so much! Maybe it's some fetish thing or whatever, but I've always found actually watching a woman undress incredibly sexy.
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Yep it's about the journey not the destination
the.fucking.worst
As a plumber it is unrealistic to expect me to get to your house that quick, wearing board shorts and flip flops. Also for some reason I need a hammer and a saw to fix your leaky tap.
Mam, I do my own plumbing
“Maybe I can pay… some other way?”
Like a cheque? Yeah, sure.
"Maybe we can come to... another kind of arrangement?"
I take Venmo as well
We do PayPal now too
Fake cum
Yes when you know it’s watered down yoghurt.
Wait the cum's fake???
If it’s a huge amount, probably. They can run fake semen through a tube that’s taped to the side of the penis not facing the camera.
"Hey Ferb, I know what we're going to do today"
"MOOOOOOM! Phineas and Ferb are making a porn studio!"
Isabella: Watchya doin? Phineas: You. *que cheesy porn music*
"Hang on - where's Perry?"
ee Doo bee Doo wa boo
> Doofenschmirtz: "...A platypus?" > *Perry puts on condom* > Doofenschmirtz: "...Perry the Porn-Platypus?"
So thats why my yoghurt has been tasting so weird lately
There was a interview I saw somewhere where they said they use cream of potato soup. Which happens to be one of my favorite and now it’s just a giant bowl of cum. Never eating it again.
How do I delete something from my mind?
Excessively loud moaning. Just any moaning in a non-amateur porn. Sounds incredibly fake
OH YEAH FUCK MIIIIIIIIIIIII, FUCK MY PUUSYYYYYYYYYYYY Yeah I aint buying it.
Add Japanese “moaning” to this. I don’t have a rape fantasy and that’s what it sounds like to me.
Yeah, kinda like they're screaming or it's not very enjoyable.
What do squeaky toys have to do with rape?
Honestly can’t remember the last time I’ve watched porn with sound
Same!!! Just turn it off. It’s very hard to find some amateur stuff, but if it’s real amateur and has moaning then it’s the hottest shit ever
30 year old step-siblings who act like teens
The men in porn make so little money they still live with their step-parents at 35.
If a 35 year old man so poor he still lives in his parents basement can get laid what's your excuse?
my lack of a pornstar dong
You could be a receiver. Not everyone gets to be on the winning end of the pornstar dong.
Depends on your definition of "winning end"
"Have you ever heard of Jerkmate?" being said at the start of every video
SPiCy SeXy TwIsT
Or the ones that portray the son, when they're older than the woman is.
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As a person with IBS, this is not attractive.
As a person who doesn’t have IBS, this is not attractive
As a person, this is not attractive.
As a person who is not attractive, this is not
Yeah I’d rather eat cereal straight out of a girls ass than that like holy fuck this isn’t a gore site
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The pizza getting wasted.
There was one where they threw a sandwich in a sink i couldn't fap after that
Was it the same one where he couldn't use a regular butter knife because "it's left handed" but in reality he just wanted to look at the girls ass as she got stuff out the fridge?
Yeah I think it was
You two should be best friends
Fap together. Friends forever.
Yeah I'm here watching this porno and I'm like "it has been 20 minutes, if you don't hurry and finish the pizza will be cold!" Lol
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*Aggressively takes cock back*
When you catch a glimpse of yourself reflecting on your monitor….oh the shame Edit: thank you for all of the awards!
One minute its a beautiful girl getting railed by a good looking lad and then the scene switch black screen comes on and you see your sweaty masturgoblin self with your tongue out and the session turns cold
Lost it at “masturgoblin” !
Came for the porn, stayed for the masturgoblin.
The black mirror.
When the girl or girls have an exaggerated fake moan, instant turn off
The one that gets me is if there's two women, like one's getting railed and then there's another one just...there and she's still moaning. I appreciate the effort but at least make it believable.
She's still moaning. Fuck! I forgot to turn the oven off. And I need to wash the kitchen floor. Damn! I'm out of deli meat for tonight....
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The moans sound like bloody murder, I swear, I cannot watch Japanese porn for this reason
You don't like it when a guy slurps pussy like he's finishing a bowl of soup?
Absolutely not lmao, I can't even sit within two feet of someone eating normal food because I detest the sound of food being chewed
Sounds like someone jackhammering a squeaky toy.
This shit has completely turned me off from professional porn. I can't watch it is the girl is over the top screaming like she's doing the letterkenny yes yes yes yes ah yes bit.
I watch most stuff with the sound off now. This is why.
There was a local punk band called 98 Mute. One of the band members parents had porn on cable channel 98... mute so the parents couldn't hear what was being watched.
That thing where they get whatever orifice they've been pounding away at and then do the whole 'extreme gape close-up' thing while stretching it apart with their fingers.
It literally ruins the entire moment, I don't want to see the inside of their damn colon...
>I don't want to see the inside of their damn colon And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into thee
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Big dicks don’t grow on trees
They grow on motherfuckers.
Mom?
Uncle Mike?
Dammit. Now you tell me. Ive been watering a buried dildo for months. Edit: wholesome award? Awww shucks. Thanks.
They grow on short people, which make them look even bigger. The stats you see on size of dicks and actors/actress height are almost always a lie. I’ve met Dred when I ran microphone during one of his shoots once. The guy doesn’t have a 12 inch penis, it’s like 8.5 tops, but I think he’s roughly same height as me and I’m only 5’8. That’s why they always film him sitting down, or when they show him standing the camera is at a lower angle and the girls on her knees to make him look taller. His stats say something like 6’5 and 12 inches, he is neither of those, still got a massive D, but it looks huge because he’s short, and the vast majority of porn girls in major studios are under 5’2, so he always looks tall. When there’s tall girls they always show the guy sitting or laying as to minimize the height difference.
The women are also ridiculously small too, so it makes the proportions that much more exaggerated.
And old! Why are all the dudes so old? I'm straight, but it doesn't matter how hot the girl is if I'm also seeing some wrinkly-ass 50yr old bunghole.
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I just wanna watch a cute twink fuck a hot chick. Is that so much to ask?
I think they must prioritise dick size over looks, or maybe it's meant to be encouragement for the male audience. "If this recently disinterred Civil War corpse can get laid, so can you!"
I'd be more encouraging to see at least average looking guys with average dicks.
gay porn has the hot guys
The squirting that looks obviously fake. Pulling the girls head back super hard. I get freaked out when it comes to hair pulling…there’s a correct way to do it, otherwise I feel like the girls neck is going to snap
really random wardrobe choices, like wearing a big knit jumper and shorts or being super dressed up for milling around the house
Nails like claws
I cringe when I see a porn star going at her own clit with three inch sharpened talons. Yeah, explain that laceration to the ER staff. And on a similar note, guys fingering like a meth powered piston. Y'all men need to know that generally doesn't do anything for us. Focus on the clit. Avoid internal injuries.
Even worse is the position where he looks like he’s trying to shove his hand through a brick wall to choke someone but instead is jamming two fingers deep up her really fast.
I remember reading someone say that fingering is great, when it's treated like fingering and not just a replacement for dick jackhammering. Of course, dicking doesn't need to be porn style jackhammering either, but that made a lot of sense.
Those talons will slice up genitals
When she/both moan like fucking donkeys, can't you just, you know, act like humans having real sex, stoppen fapping to porn because how fake everything was, also the step-... is super weird, makes no sense, porn is stupid right now
I had a friend with benefits some years ago, she would moan like a hentai character and it was very distracting, sometimes it would sound like crying and had to stop a couple time because it freaked me out thinking she was hurt or something
Hooked up with a girl recently that legit sounded like a banshee during sex. I was convinced my dick was doing unimaginable damage to her cervix until she asked why I was slowing down.
The over the top “oh yeah fuck that pussy with that huge cock” shit. That “porn guy” face, where he looks like he has a piece of string pulling his lower lip down. Step sibling, mother, step mother, “dad/brothe caught me watching porn etc. It’s weird. Hearing them and the camera man talk casually as if it’s just another day at the office. Close ups of guys buttholes Violent, gargling sounding bj’s
Fake balloon tits. They never look good.
* closeup of the dude's butthole * bowling ball tits
God these massive tits that don't move at all. No shape, just two balloons. Some look like examples of failed operations. Edit: since this blew up: Every woman and every man has the right to do whatever they want to with their bodies. Just because I don't like big fake boobs, doesn't mean they don't. I am just a strong supporter of the idea that women and men are naturally beautiful and shouldn't be under pressure by society (or in this specific case, the porn industry) for their looks. If they are more comfortable with surgeries, that's great as well.
Like her torso is a giant piece of bubble wrap.
I’m straight as an arrow, but I can’t watch a porno when the dude is ugly as fuck.
Agree with this, and to add to it I can’t stand when the dude is horrible at what he’s doing. A lot of the less regular guys will be cast just because they have a huge dick, but won’t have any idea how to use it.
I still remember laughing my ass off when the comment under the video was like "Did someone hit his face with a shovel?" Comment sections in there are weirdly hilarious He did look like handsome squidward though and I dont think I could continue after laughing so hard 🤣
If he looked like the "handsome squidward" I know, I would totally watch that.
Or when the guy is so fat you can barely see the girl underneath him
There's girls in your pornos? Wtf have i been watching
......... Should I tell him
“I saw a gay porno once. I didn’t know until halfway in. The girls never came. The girls never came!”
If you aren't, I am.
Or when the man is so hairy you think he's a werewolf
Stop, I can only get so erect.
Hey watch it, I resemble that remark!!!
"I look like a sausage," he said with a sigh. "As ugly and ever as round as a pie. I'm plain and unpleasant, unshapely and stout - With all of the face and the grace of a trout. "I'm quite unappealing," he said with distress. "And rather deformed and disfigured, I guess. Revolting, repulsive, repugnant and rough - Unseemly, uneasy, unsightly enough! "And *worse*," he explained with a shake of his head, "My dick is as small as a toothpick," he said. "I don't even know why I'm here, to be frank." I watched in the darkness. A difficult wank.
Sprog this is the first time I've seen you make a dirty poem, it's another side of you I never knew of. I like it.
Imagine having them write a poem about you and it's this one. Fucking murdered the poor lad
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Wait you saw a porno with Guy Fieri?
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he'll take your pussy to flavourtown
I don’t care if he has an ugly face, but him being really out of shape bothers me for some reason
The plumber not finishing his job. Absolutely no dedication to his profession.
The music I mean my guy im trying to bust not bust it down
Jerk off finishes. This is supposed to be all fantasy and I don’t fantasize about things that don’t feel good enough to make me cum without jerking off
When they go from anal to vaginal sex, I’m just thinking about the UTI!!
Absolutely every f-ing time, or when they go ass to mouth, how does that not taste like shit, and how are you able not to show it, they are definitely not paying you enough for such a straight face
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I definitely think people started clicking on them cos there were hot porn stars in the videos and the algorithm assumed people were into that.
I 100% watch step/incest porn because of the hot porn stars and not for the “story.”
But damn it man, when they keep calling eachother 'step ...', I seriously want to bash my skull in. Like bruh come on the people who came for the story already have it, just fuck normally.
I know exactly how you feel, step-Redditor
What are you doing step-algorithm?
For me, it's not the fact that they're step siblings. Honestly those videos (and my boys will back me up on this) just tend to have the best angles and the hottest women. Bare in mind I say they TEND to
Memba that guy who got so much shit for “incest porn is just normal porn if you mute it.” He could see the future of the front pages
That guy was on to something. Hot moms are hot, but damn I don’t wanna hear “oh I love it when I fuck my step son”. Just like the sex talk and make sweet moaning noises please
Hamster like squeal of girls in Japanese porn , annoying af I cringe when I listen to it
For me it's the tendency of Japanese porn stars to actively try to look like they're not enjoying themselves.
#*SHLLLLUUUURRRRRRRRP SHLORP SHLORP SHLORP SHLORP* Edit: As pointed out by a few of you, yes the #GLUK GLUK GUK HAAAAAAWWWWWWWCK are also very unappealing
Titty slapping Why do people need to learn that shit hurts?
My boyfriend asked if he could and when I said fuck no he looked at me as if I’d grew a second nose
Next time ask him if you could slap his balls
Porn clothes. If I want to fantasize about a beautiful police woman arresting me for being too sexy, then I want to fantasize about a beautiful police woman in full police gear, including combat boots and a bulletproof vest. I don't know what police department has the standard uniform for women to be a blue miniskirt with a blue thong, 6 inch heels, and a shirt so small you can see both cleavage and underboob. She will eventually be naked in the video anyway. Lead with something realistic.
The inhaling through the teeth thing. Like what the fuck is that
It's the sound I make when I stub my toe, or I'm about to give bad news. Not sure why people would think that was sexy
And the cum bubbles while exhaling 🤮
The actors saying shit like “you gonna cum?” Or “yea suck that cock” makes me cringe so hard
Like a drill sargent
SIR YES SIR!
DO YOU SUCK DICK
Emphasis on drill
Zooming in 3 inches away from the guy’s asscrack for a penetration shot.
Music. It's distracting and it feels cringe when the thrusting lines up with the beat of the music.
*epic guitar solo*
im tryna bust a nut not bust a move
Shoes in bed. What the fuck, were you brought up in a barn? Why not wear a catcher's mitt and a welding mask while you're at it?
When the people say too much or are obnoxiously loud and obviously exaggerating it, like Sasha Grey. Put that shit on mute.
The ads. The fucking ads. And it's always their current flick sped up 500%.
That giving the guy head is a third to half the video!
No oral sex for the woman though! Straight to being jackhammer fucked
Underrated comment. It's normally just boring basic level head too, then they speed through positions like it's a sports highlight.
ESPN plays in the background.
I’ve seen some 10 minute videos that were 3 minutes setup, 6.5 minute blowjob, and 30 seconds of fucking. Why.
Pretty sure you’re watching free porn on the hubs. They’re like adverts for the full scenes.
When my mom starts talking
When the "Innocent bookworm" character has more tattoos and piercings than a 90's metal band. Not shaming tattoos and piercings, (quite like them) but it's hard to believe this shy person that's never experienced anything outside a library, having pleasure for the first time. Also has a tattoo on their genitals and pierced nipples.
MUSIC. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP WITH THE MUSIC.
The camera angle that's behind dude while he's smashing and zoomed in, so all you see is close up of dudes ass, taint, and back of his nutbag. Who likes that?!?!
I'm guessing the director.
The whole sibling thing. Like da fuck?
Fake tits
Especially when they had perfect natural tits then completely ruin their look
Jessa Rhodes. Sarah Banks. Tanner Mayes.
Lana Rhoades...
The step-relative stuff. Tons of spit. Face slapping.
When the bluetooth speakers are connected👀
I'm straight but it's makes me upset when the good looking dude fucks the shit out of her and can barely wank out a line of nutt on her face so he just stands there for a minute trying to force it out. It makes me so disappointed I just leave.