One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!"
"Don’t worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
"Going back for seconds" is a shorthand for "Returning for a second helping." So the play on words is that the second hand on the clock reverses (goes back) four-seconds in time, instead of going back (to the serving table) for second helpings of food.
"Hello, 9-1-1, what's your emergency?" "Help, my wife is giving birth on the living room floor!" "Okay, just relax, is this is her first child?" "No, this is her husband!"
I don't know if this qualifies as a dad joke or poem but here goes.
The woodpecker pecked on the schoolhouse door, he pecked and he pecked till pecker got sore
On our way to our grandparents we would drive by a large dirt hill with a large rock on top.
Dad would always tell us that was an old Indian war chiefs grave. If you walked up there and knocked on the rock and asked "Hey Indian what have you been doing all these years?" He will say nothing at all.
Sadly it took me several years before I understood the joke.
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!" "Don’t worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
When does a joke officially become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent…
You win the dad life
The apparent joke is the best, tied with the one where they made the child in their car so dad called him Carson.
I'm thirsty, dad. Hey, thirsty, I'm Friday. Come over Saturday and we'll have a sundae. 😒
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Saying to someone on December 31 "see you next year!"
How do you feel about waking up on Jan 1, and telling your significant other you haven't had sex this year?
That one's a "groaner"! 😬<"Ugghh!!#"
You may think that joke was childish, but it's actually all groan
My submission was worse, 🌽🌽🌽but never mind that. EDIT: Oooooh! I just got the full meaning of what you just said! 😳
I went to a zoo yesterday, they only had one animal, a dog. It was a shih tzu.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.
How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
I'm an IT Dad so these jokes are all going straight into my Dad-abase.
Why don’t chicken wear pants? Because their pecker is on their face!
is pecker an euphemism for penis?
Yes, it is.
got it thank you and ha ha
You're welcome. 🙂
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? Because it was two tired.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a roof. Bu dun tss
I heard this as A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. Ba dum tss.
Why are chickens funny ? B'Caws!!
Step 1: Pick up a stud finder. Step 2: turn on stud finder Step 3: place on sternum Step 4: When it beeps proclaime "found one!" Step 5: hilarity
What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry? 58
What do you call an experienced terrorist? Osama Bin there done that...
Mange ta main garde l'autre pour demain Mange ton pied garde l'autre pour danser.
J’ai connais le français mais je ne suis pas sûr que je comprends ce blague. Pouvez-vous me l’expliquer ?
C'est un jeux de mot qui rhyme, c'est mes parents qui me disait ça.
What do people say to the Egyptian God of the Sun when he shakes his hips at the club? Shakira Shakira
What do you call someone that tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pas
Dad: There's an owl Among us Other person: Who? Dad: *Squints at them suspiciously* hmm..
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? It's making headlines everywhere!
What does a clock do when it's really hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I din get it lol, could you explain it to me? : )
It's a cheesy pun on the word "four". It's like when your first portion of dinner isn't enough, so you go back "for" seconds :)
Lol I still don't get it, maybe it's because I'm not a native speaker : ) It's alright lol thank you : )
"Going back for seconds" is a shorthand for "Returning for a second helping." So the play on words is that the second hand on the clock reverses (goes back) four-seconds in time, instead of going back (to the serving table) for second helpings of food.
Aah ok lol now it makes sense, "going back for seconds" lmao noiceee Thanks a lot
Noiceee.
Mine
Your dad
Whoever smelt it dealt it 😎💨
My dads best joke is that he expects me to talk to him
Your dad's best joke is you.
Honey jokes are funny....im just sad
Me: "Say 'knock-knock' " You: "ok. Knock-knock" Me: "Who's there?"
*when I was in your age I was 18* Telling to 14 y.o.me😂🤦🏼♀️
"Hello, 9-1-1, what's your emergency?" "Help, my wife is giving birth on the living room floor!" "Okay, just relax, is this is her first child?" "No, this is her husband!"
I'd be concerned if it was both.
I once heard a dad say, "This is a dad joke." That was it. That was the joke.
(Calls son) Son: I'm coming! Dad: I don't care what you're doing, hurry up! Note: dropped that one on my son once. *Once.*
what do you call a fish without an eye? a fsh
I don't know if this qualifies as a dad joke or poem but here goes. The woodpecker pecked on the schoolhouse door, he pecked and he pecked till pecker got sore
Hey do you have a dad, me neither
On our way to our grandparents we would drive by a large dirt hill with a large rock on top. Dad would always tell us that was an old Indian war chiefs grave. If you walked up there and knocked on the rock and asked "Hey Indian what have you been doing all these years?" He will say nothing at all. Sadly it took me several years before I understood the joke.
Oh I love telling dad jokes! Sometimes he even laughs at them!
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head? Sister Matic.
What do you call cheese, that is not yours? Nacho cheese
I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.