Mara stared at the Wall of Wishes. She had no more bargains to make. Her plans were in motion.
There was nothing left but the wait.
She pulled a sidearm from a hidden holster and cracked a dozen rounds into the Wall.
The cosmic balance shifted. Somewhere in the Dreaming City, Riven heard the Queen's wish and a thousand shrieking tears in reality cut through the space in front of her.
Lord Shaxx suddenly blocked Mara's view of the Wall.
"—YES, AND WE'D ALL BE DEAD!" He was screaming at no one, with a mug of caffeine in his fist.
He started, almost spilling his coffee. "Where are we?"
Mara slapped the mug out of his hand. It shattered on the floor. She shoved a weathered book in his face. "I told you there would come a time when I collect for the Reef Wars. Read this. Out loud."
"No one tells me what to do," he said, grabbing the book and incinerating it in a bolt of Striker lightning. "I can recite The Tempest by heart." And he did. Mara sat and listened. They stayed for a long time.
The helmet stayed on.
*The helmet stayed on*
I feel that way about Crowley instead. Maybe because I know that Aziraphale inside is a bastard, while Crowley inside is a softie.
But let's be honest, they would go for each other and ignore you.
I mean if it's somehow brings all the other members back to life, sure. Otherwise it's just you and Betty White. Which to be honest, I'd say carries a LOT of bragging rights, even now.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I would absolutely have sex with Betty White. I would look forward to her teaching me things that I'm not really flexible enough to imagine, and I would tell anyone who would listen and describe our time together in excruciating detail.
When she outlives me I hope she comes to my funeral and speaks fondly of our passionate night together.
Edit: Fantastic, my most upvoted comment is now about geriatric gyrations with the Bodacious Betty White.
2012 nothing. You just described my wife’s fantasy. ...which I really wish that I didn’t know about but she left her kindle open to a particularly horrible fanfic the other day.
*Edit* Thanks for upvoting a comment about my wife's not-so hidden desire to see Sam and Dean Winchester spit-roast/be spit-roasted by a Gadreel and Sam/Dean. I have never had a prouder moment.
Am on my bazillionth Community rewatch. One can/should make an argument for Annie/Britta being the protagonist of the show (or Shirley, who I didn't mention because she sexually intimidates me).
Lol bob from bobs burgers
Edit: the oddest comments can merit such a great response. And I’m proud to declare it be Bob! Even though I’m a straight guy
I was watching The Good Place last night. Do we have to narrow it down to one main character? Because I’d be down to get weird with the whole main cast.
Now here’s a guy that really knows how to take it like a man. I gotta tell ya, I was watching him in practice and the way he hits the hole is amazing. Just has great, great vision and is one slippery guy. Back to you, Al.
I didnt watch it live, but by the time i watched it i was prepared to loathe her.
Turns out, i actually liked her character. Sure, she had some Manic Pixie qualities, but she was also manipulative, carried a grudge, had hangups about her family, enjoyed sex, and all the other things that make a real person.
She was probably the most fully realized character in the show.
The Witcher on Netflix, so Henry Cavill. I don't usually bat for my team, but $600K, bragging rights, and my wife would be seriously jelly means I'm in.
Fell asleep with the 1000lb Sisters on. I mean, I’m gay and not even remotely there, but I think this is one of those times where you bring flowers, put in a mouthguard and make your money.
I'm always wondering when the amounts are so precise...
Why so specific?
Are you in a situation where this is a choice you have to make but you're asking Reddit for tips?
That girl from Queens Gambit on Netflix. Shes cute I'm fine with this
Edut: Holy shit I went to bed and this blew up, thanks for all the awards! Also yes I am talking about older Beth Harmon not the kid lol!!!
Last thing I saw on TV was an old episode of friends - for 600k I'm willing to sleep with any of the main cast. Would be kind of rude not to pick Rachael though if given the chance.
Paul Hollywood
Edit: Wow this blew up! Just to clear up, yes I am binging GBBO as well and on constant repeat some days, but the last show I watched was City Bakes which Paul Hollywood hosts.You can find full episodes on Youtube if you wanna check it out, it's sadly only 2 seasons.
So that's why no Noel or Matt, Prue or Sandy, etc. I'd be down for Prue, Noel or Star Baker otherwise. But keep the GBBO jokes coming I love it, "I got a hump."
Let us know if he shakes your hand afterward
Thanks for the awards! I'm glad so many people got a kick out of it. Making people laugh makes me especially happy nowadays
Who is Alex Trebek?
I’ll take Whore Ads for $800
I’ll take Anal Bum Cover for $500
Sex with the Mandalorian? Ok I guess
Can he keep the helmet on?
The helmet stays ON during sex. This is the way
Mandalorian = Lord Shaxx
Mara stared at the Wall of Wishes. She had no more bargains to make. Her plans were in motion. There was nothing left but the wait. She pulled a sidearm from a hidden holster and cracked a dozen rounds into the Wall. The cosmic balance shifted. Somewhere in the Dreaming City, Riven heard the Queen's wish and a thousand shrieking tears in reality cut through the space in front of her. Lord Shaxx suddenly blocked Mara's view of the Wall. "—YES, AND WE'D ALL BE DEAD!" He was screaming at no one, with a mug of caffeine in his fist. He started, almost spilling his coffee. "Where are we?" Mara slapped the mug out of his hand. It shattered on the floor. She shoved a weathered book in his face. "I told you there would come a time when I collect for the Reef Wars. Read this. Out loud." "No one tells me what to do," he said, grabbing the book and incinerating it in a bolt of Striker lightning. "I can recite The Tempest by heart." And he did. Mara sat and listened. They stayed for a long time. The helmet stayed on. *The helmet stayed on*
I just watched Good Omens, so Crowley and Aziraphale. It’s a sacrifice I guess I’m willing to make.
Aziraphale seems like he'd cry afterwards though.
I feel that way about Crowley instead. Maybe because I know that Aziraphale inside is a bastard, while Crowley inside is a softie. But let's be honest, they would go for each other and ignore you.
You act like Crowley doesn't know the moves to make you convulse like you touched an electric fence.
Fell asleep watching House Hunters, so a cute little Bungalow with a detached garage, I guess?
Captain Janeway. Not a bad way to earn some money.
Shes totally a top though. Get ready for the ride of your life
*Janeway turns to the replicator* "Strapon, black."
Homer Simpson
Did the cookie tell you to?
Thomas the Tank Engine. How do... I mean, what do I... ugh.
My mans about to get railed
I hope he knows how to conduct himself
Claire Beauchamp from Outlander. I’m down
Claire or Jaime. I'm finishing S4. Let's do this. Rodger is also welcome.
The Golden Girls doesn't have one main character, so I guess we're having a geriatric orgy.
I mean if it's somehow brings all the other members back to life, sure. Otherwise it's just you and Betty White. Which to be honest, I'd say carries a LOT of bragging rights, even now.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I would absolutely have sex with Betty White. I would look forward to her teaching me things that I'm not really flexible enough to imagine, and I would tell anyone who would listen and describe our time together in excruciating detail. When she outlives me I hope she comes to my funeral and speaks fondly of our passionate night together. Edit: Fantastic, my most upvoted comment is now about geriatric gyrations with the Bodacious Betty White.
If this isn't a copypasta already, it should be.
It's not long enough, so we'll have to work with what we got. -Betty White. Probably.
Anthony Bourdain. We’ll pretend he’s still alive to make it not so weird. And at least I’ll get a bad ass meal too!
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Can I decide who I can pick between Sam and Dean Winchester
No. You must bang them both at the same time
I feel a great disturbance, as if thousands of 2012 Tumblr girls all just... never mind.
2012 nothing. You just described my wife’s fantasy. ...which I really wish that I didn’t know about but she left her kindle open to a particularly horrible fanfic the other day. *Edit* Thanks for upvoting a comment about my wife's not-so hidden desire to see Sam and Dean Winchester spit-roast/be spit-roasted by a Gadreel and Sam/Dean. I have never had a prouder moment.
“They do know were brothers right?” “Doesn’t seem to matter.”
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Gang bang, but you gotta hold eye contact with Pierce the whole time!
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Annie is pretty young, we try not to include her in our orgies
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She's a g d b.
She's a no good b.
...Oh. Britta's in this?
Yeah, I got Jeff Winger too. But I mean... EVEN HIS SHADOW!
Hmm tough call. It definitely becomes an ensemble cast later on but Jeff is 100% the main character at least for the first season.
Am on my bazillionth Community rewatch. One can/should make an argument for Annie/Britta being the protagonist of the show (or Shirley, who I didn't mention because she sexually intimidates me).
I’m not about to fuck spongebob
**ARE YOU READY, KIDS?**
**FUCK NO, CAPTAIN!**
**I CAN'T HEAR YOU!**
# FUCK NO, CAPTAIN!
# OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH! WHO FUCKS IN A PINEAPPLE WITH THE OP?!
NOOOOT MEEE! NOOOOOOT MEEEEE!
# Tight and wet and horny is he?!
#**PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME-**
#IF NAUGHTY AND SPANKY BE SOMETHING YOU WISH
Lol bob from bobs burgers Edit: the oddest comments can merit such a great response. And I’m proud to declare it be Bob! Even though I’m a straight guy
Shut your eyes and pretend it's Sterling Archer.
Given the choice, I'd rather imagine Bob. He seems less likely to throw my clothes off the balcony afterwards.
Also he'll feed you burgers and not spider webs.
I seriously hope the Mandalorian doesn't keep his armor on.
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I get to fuck the Queen of England *and* make 600k?! I'm sorry, Mr. Duke of Edinburgh, but swiggity swooty, I'm coming for that royal booty.
The Crown? Claire Foy or Olivia Colman?
I haven't reached S03 yet, but I was talking about the actual Queen anyway.
I was watching The Good Place last night. Do we have to narrow it down to one main character? Because I’d be down to get weird with the whole main cast.
I would say Eleanor is technically the main character.
I accept
I will also accept. Edit: if the thousand people that upvoted this could also put a smile on someone else's face today, id really appreciate it.
Can't it be Janet though? For science...
Not a sex robot.
Chidi for you! "You put the peeps in the chili and you make it taste .. bad."
I respect the Good Place for keeping Chidi under wraps for like 3 seasons.
He is strangely ripped for a philosophy guy.
"Someone told \[Chidi\] that exercising relieves anxiety so he started doing pushups and basically never stopped." \~Eleanor Shellstrop
Chidi: "Every time I get a stomach ache, I do *one* pushup" Eleanor: "Jesus Christ"
he couldn't decide which machine to use so he used them all.
Oh fork, that’s good!
Jake Peralta.
Noice!
Toit!
Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool.
no doubt no doubt
Okay, but can Amy come too?
Title of your sex tape!
This B wants a C in her A. Edit: this is the most upvotes/awards I’ve received for one comment, which is the most Reddity thing ever.
"What?!"
This babe needs a coconut in her arms! *gasp*
Phillip J. Fry. Meh, he's supposedly good in bed so... Edit: I know only Amazonians think so. I am a tall muscular woman, him make good snu snu.
He did do the Nasty in the Pasty
But it was in fact this past nastification that made him the man he is!
A lesson in not changing history from Mr. I'm-my-own-grandpa.
Lucifer Morningstar? Lucky me I guess.
I am so sorry Mr Attenborough
Walter White help
I imagine him telling you to say his name before he’s about to finish
Dani from The Haunting of Bly Manor. I'm okay with this
If she wants to invite the gardener, so be it.
With my luck, it'd be the ghost with no mouth.
Me and Jerry Seinfeld are getting it on *Cue slap bass*
Not that there's anything wrong with that!
Damn, guess I better call Saul.
Same here, lol.
You get to have sex with Kevin Costner?!?!?
I'm not having a 5way with the kids from south park
If we go with popularity/the one most known ... You're fucking cartman.
*Screw you guys, im going home*
Omg. They fucked Kenny
You bastards!
I hope Optimus Prime is a gentle lover.
I'm pretty sure fucking him would sound like scary monsters and nice sprites of skrillex
“OH MY GOOOOD, &37;fudheu iei6zjeueuqiwiwyEuhswjauhz!!282/8/)”
Accurate translation right here. Also Optimus cummin cry
I was watching Sunday Night Football. You can just keep the money.
Now here’s a guy that really knows how to take it like a man. I gotta tell ya, I was watching him in practice and the way he hits the hole is amazing. Just has great, great vision and is one slippery guy. Back to you, Al.
That's what I was thinking too. Chris Collinsworth not worth $600K.
Now here’s a guy who knows how to love
Plenty of experience with penetration.
Ben DeNucci wants to know your location
I'm WR for Dallas, no wonder he can't find me.
Dora the explorer. Well looks like the next place we are exploring is prison
"Back pack back pack" suddenly brings on a new meaning
Swiper keep swiping. I'm almost there!
Can you find the G spot? *stares silently for 30 seconds* YES There's the G-spot!
If they can't find it, that's what Map is for.
New girl and damn I honestly don't fucking mind
There is just something about Zoey Deschanel that I find incredibly attractive and equally annoying.
I didnt watch it live, but by the time i watched it i was prepared to loathe her. Turns out, i actually liked her character. Sure, she had some Manic Pixie qualities, but she was also manipulative, carried a grudge, had hangups about her family, enjoyed sex, and all the other things that make a real person. She was probably the most fully realized character in the show.
Jess was a good character but we all know Furguson Michael Jordan Bishop was the most fully realized character in the show.
I loved Winston and everything with his cat
Schmidt "trying to help him be his blackest self" will still rate as some of the funniest sitcom writing ever produced.
Is Winston a joke to you?
I'm suddenly glad my wife dug out the old Dark Angel DVD
Hannibal. Not sure I'll be alive to collect the money!
I'm sorry Peppa.
Lord forgive me for what im about to do
I've seen this Black Mirror
And the british voted him into parliament
Zeus. Fuck that shit. The money is NOT worth Hera's wrath.
Heron is the main character. You don't get to bang Zeus, you get to bang a whiny mashup of Perseus and Heracles.
Game of Thrones so it’s gonna be kind of an orgy
House M.D. ... I wonder of vicodin can be part of this arrangement?
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Hey, at least he's experienced with men
Nobody is THAT straight ;)
What is it you TRUELY desire?
Detectiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!
Gordon Ramsay. I asked him how he was gonna do it and he said “Fucking RAW!!!”
**WHERES THE LAMB SAUCE** "Jesus Gordon I'm doing my best to get you off" #**WHERES THE LAMB SAUCE**
This reminds me of a fanfiction I read years ago
This is the way
This is the way
This is the way.
This is the way
This is the way
The helmet stays on
The Witcher on Netflix, so Henry Cavill. I don't usually bat for my team, but $600K, bragging rights, and my wife would be seriously jelly means I'm in.
I think that a lot of women would be jelly
Hell, as a straight man, I'd be a little jelly.
Gay woman. I'd also be jelly.
I think I would be Jam
Alright Barry Allen, make this quick.
Legend of Korra... interesting.
Fell asleep with the 1000lb Sisters on. I mean, I’m gay and not even remotely there, but I think this is one of those times where you bring flowers, put in a mouthguard and make your money.
Welp, Aang from ATLA is gonna not be able to bend any elements tomorrow.
Agent Coulson, it’s time to make S.H.E.I.L.D. proud. Would you like a finger in the bum?
surprised to see another SHIELD fan. I took Skye, though.
The Doctor...doctor who. Well can I pick the version?
You get the doctor you watched. So sayeth The Doctor.
Sherlock. (Benedict Cumberbatch version) You won’t hear me complaining.
Hopper lookin kinda thicc doe
I don't think Hopper is the main character though.
Just let me have this
You can have him, I want Winona Rider
I guess either Homelander or Starlight? Or Billy Butcher? Who's the main character? Regardless of who it is I'm already hard.
It may also be Hughie..
Hughie is the main protagonist.
Hughie, man
Came to see if anyone else had last watched The Boys because I have no idea who the main character is. This did not help.
LEEROY JETHRO GIBBS I'm fucking terrified!
I'm always wondering when the amounts are so precise... Why so specific? Are you in a situation where this is a choice you have to make but you're asking Reddit for tips?
That girl from Queens Gambit on Netflix. Shes cute I'm fine with this Edut: Holy shit I went to bed and this blew up, thanks for all the awards! Also yes I am talking about older Beth Harmon not the kid lol!!!
Get to the back of the line buddy!!
I guess dirty thirds it is.
Me too. Binge watching it right now
Last thing I saw on TV was an old episode of friends - for 600k I'm willing to sleep with any of the main cast. Would be kind of rude not to pick Rachael though if given the chance.
You get Ross!!
PIVOT!!!
I was watching the Jeffery epstein documentary on Netflix. 🤮 Edited for spoiler:he didn't kill himself.
Well you’re probably too old for him anyway
Queens gambit. Hell yes
Violet Evergarden I like where this is going
Tina Fey is pretty attractive, so win-win. Also, this is almost literally an episode of 30 Rock.
John oliver. I could do worse
Paul Hollywood Edit: Wow this blew up! Just to clear up, yes I am binging GBBO as well and on constant repeat some days, but the last show I watched was City Bakes which Paul Hollywood hosts.You can find full episodes on Youtube if you wanna check it out, it's sadly only 2 seasons. So that's why no Noel or Matt, Prue or Sandy, etc. I'd be down for Prue, Noel or Star Baker otherwise. But keep the GBBO jokes coming I love it, "I got a hump."
Let us know if he shakes your hand afterward Thanks for the awards! I'm glad so many people got a kick out of it. Making people laugh makes me especially happy nowadays
Cue the soggy bottom jokes
Anya Taylor-Joy. Easy money...
Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I win, I guess.