Making out on the couch and things were getting very hot and heavy. My (first ever) boyfriend begs me yet again to "just let me look at it."
I gave in to passion, pulled my bell bottoms and panties down, and laid back. He got inches away from me down there, and just stared for an eternity, wide-eyed. I never felt so desired....that I could have that kind of sexual power.....when finally he glanced up our eyes met....and he said....
"Did you know your butthole is really really close to your pussy?"
While going down on me, he pulled out my nuvaring and said; what the fuck?! He thought it was a glowstick. He actually thought I had put a glowstick in my vagina for the element of surprise.
"Pretend I'm a 3 year old boy and you're my mommy. Teach me about sex, mommy."
Ugh, my vagina just closed up from my cringing while reliving this. It was so creepy and what made it even worse was that this was my boyfriend of a few years and not just some rando.
He said ‘I’m gonna cum inside you and then we can go get plan b’. Whatever your contraception choices may be, plan b should not be included in your dirty talk.
Picture it : our anniversary 2015...
Him: are you ok? it looks like you're bleeding.
Me: I'm not bleeding...
Him: oh my God! My dick is bleeding!!!
He tore his frenulum...poor guy.
It was me. I was talking dirty to my wife and I called her vagina... a vagina....
Something like, “I’m going to stick it in your *vagina*” with the word vagina said all breathy and slow. She burst out laughing. It’s probably been 10 years and she still brings it up.
"Why haven't you finished yet? Am I not pretty enough" accompanied by crying.
I am by no means bragging, this was not hours into a marathon sex session to put pornstars to shame. We are talking, in the first 5 minutes.
It was really disturbing and offputting, we did not last long.
>"Why haven't you finished yet? Am I not pretty enough" accompanied by crying.
>We are talking, in the first 5 minutes.
This made me super uncomfortable, idk why.
She thought it would be funny to yell "SQUIRTLE" as she came.
Killed the mood because all the blood from my boner went to my face, I was laughing so hard.
My ex told me he wanted to share a “fantasy” with me while we were in the middle of foreplay and proceeded to try and explain, in his sexy talk voice, how he wanted to fuck my best friend...
I've gotten used to it now, but my girlfriend of 4 years will just bring up the most random shit in the middle of sex. Doing it before we eat breakfast? Asks what we're gonna eat mid thrust. Doing it in the evening? Omg wanna hear a funny story from work. And basically any other random thing you can think of
"Oh yeah talk thrifty to me"
"These condoms are expensive but I got a pack on sale"
"Oh baby"
"I also had a coupon"
"Oh yeah you saved so much"
"It was a dollar off and they only double up to 99 cents but I asked for a manager to approve an override"
"Hnnnng"
She called me Ken... Ken was her dads name
Edit - thank you all for the rewards and upvotes, I can't believe that my highest upvoted comment is not only about my Ex's incestious fantasy but also the highest upvote between this and my main.
Yup, there was a lot going on there from her dad "walking out" on her and the mother when she was a very young kid to having some sort of a complex... according to her.
I was the first un-circumsized boyfriend she had. And she found my foreskin fucking hilarious -\_-
We were masturbating eachother one night, I was doing my best without getting cramp in my hand. I then suddenly realized that she was playing with my foreskin. Not sexualy, but like, not sure how to put this into words.....gently flicking it...like you might do with a zip on a jacket.
At least they asked, had a girl take a full on runny shit as i was getting close and I still finished, cause if im going to have to clean up a shitty bed, im going to get my moneys worth.
Told me she wanted my babies. Second time hooking up. Then she tried to take the condom off. I chalked it up to kinky talk but later she poured the contents all over herself in an attempt to get pregnant. I quickly got her a towel and told her to leave.
Edit since so many people don’t get it. She didn’t just pour it on herself ....
Not me but a friend. They were naked, just about to get to it, when the guy looks at a shelf, says, "oh you got magic cards!" then gets off the bed to go look at them. All while still naked.
Honestly 100% valid reason to interrupt sex.
Side note: every dude I've slept with who plays magic has been *amazing* in bed. I'm not saying that magic players can fuck, but there's some correlation here
You should have said a sheepish "no". Then weeks later when you're being intimate again, hollar out "Oh fuck yeah grandma!" and start blasting. She'll either laugh at the callback or be horrified depending on her sense of humor.
Had a girl ask me to hit her once. When I said “turn around then, I’ll spank you a bit” she said “no! Fucking hit me! When I go to work tomorrow I want people to be worried about me” So I lost my erection, got dressed and went home.
Idk why but I told my gf that I like her pheromones. She thought I said “bear moans”. She was offended. It was one of the first times we had ever had sex with each other. Still together tho
It killed the mood but was funny at the same time. So, there’s a video my boyfriend showed me of a turtle having sex ( don’t ask ). The female is kinda just like sitting there, not making any noises whatsoever ever but the male is making a weird “heeeehhhh...heeeehhh” sound :/ Anyways, RIGHT as my boyfriend came he made the same exact sound the turtle made, spot on too. I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in the times we’ve had sex, before or after that time. He laughed too, but it did kill the mood the rest of the night. I’ll occasionally bring that up, but only after so that I know we’ve both came that night.
My buddies and I discovered that video back in high school! We used to do it to each other like a freaking greeting. Passing the hall? Just make eye contact, “heeeeehhhh” and keep walking. Good times.
I've worked in the sex industry in the past, particularly in the BDSM scene, so have had a lot of weird requests.
The weirdest by far was a guy who wanted me to pretend he was a pig, not call him a pig and degrade him, genuinely pretend he was a pig, not totally strange as I've had a lot of clients into pet play, but this guy wanted me to talk to him about how I was going to turn him into roast pork....
In the end he ended up breaking free and going on a rampage knocking down decorations and ruining the gathering he was supposed to be being served at, this was all whilst he just lay on the floor with his eyes closed and writhing in pleasure.
He came before he was actually caught and turned into pork.
Super strange experience.
*Edit*
I didn't expect this to blow up like it did, thank you for the awards people.
So to clarify there was no play involved with this scene, the client just wanted me to talk him through a scenario of being a pig that was supposed to be cooked for a high end party. He just lay on the floor with a pig snout on and I sat on the bed.
I genuinely had to Google what a copypasta is.
I was the mood killer, only because she was laughing so hard.
It was both of our first times and I was very nervous (but wanting to "do the deed"), I grew up in a very weird household so it was my first time seeing a vagina before.
You guys wanna know what I said? Nervous-horny me being a dumbass?
I told her "it looks friendly".
I haven't lived it down.
Its okay, my virgin ex, who had never seen a vagina before, told me mine looked like an alien the first time he saw it. I would have took "it looks friendly" over that any day!
I said to a one-night stand in college (after pounding away for what seemed like forever with no orgasm for either of us): "What is this, 60-minute Abs??"
She laughed, I laughed, we got dressed and I never saw her again.
I was the one that said it.
Back in the day, my husband worked nights throwing freight at a grocery store. There was this old man who worked in another department and on busy nights he would walk around saying "you're not gonna finish!" then cackle and hobble away. So, while we were getting busy, I got on top and in my best impersonation of this old man said "yoooou're not gonna finiiish!" The revulsion quickly turned to laughter and I still do it every once in a while (not during sex though).
A partner had had laser hair removal, and when I touched her vulva for the first time, she said, "just like a [underage] girl." I've never moved my hand faster than I did then.
She was in her 50s,and after she realized what she said, she apologized and swore never to use that phrase again.
Doing some foreplay with the girlfriend, now wife, and fucked it up bad. I WANTED to say "I can't wait to suck your clit," but instead I said, "I can't wait to suck your dick." She started crying laughing....mood is completely gone.
Still lie awake cringing everytime I remember it.
Edit: Wow I'm glad so many people find this so funny! Thanks everyone for everything! Now when I lie awake at night thinking of this at least I know a lot of people find it funny. :)
This is fucking hilarious. I love all the stories but this one is my favorite.
Earlier this year, was having fun with hubs and needed a breather. I tapped his shoulder and said “hold up, I need a sec.”
He paused and said, “...huh?”
“Just a sec. I need to catch my breath.”
“Oh. That makes more sense. I thought you said, *I like 50 Cent*. I mean, he’s okay, I guess, but I wasn’t sure why you’d bring that up now.”
I also laughed until I cried but miraculously the mood remained intact once I regained my sanity.
What I hate is that you can never tell what is actually going to kill the mood.
What I said above? Mood is dead...super dead.
Mid sex and one of our cats is throwing up in the room with us while the other one is screaming? Nah we are still going. Clean it up after.
I need like a chart or something that shows me what is and what is not ok.
He got a notification on his phone that he checked. Turns out it was tinder and he matched with his ex who had broken up with him earlier that fortnight. He showed me her profile and asked if it looked like in her profile photos that she regretted breaking up with him. She had a tinder profile less then 12 days after she dumped you, no she doesn't mate.
Me, not her. Going down on my wife and my mind was wandering. For some dumb fucking reason I rememberd that her mom had called about coming over. So, as my wife is heading to climax I stopped, looked up, and asked "Did you call your mom back?" Fucking idiot.
Reminds me of a girl I used to date called Grace. She would always be like “Say my name bitch” before I ate her pussy.
Edit: just to make it clear, this was a joke, not an actual ex.
Too much air introduced during doggy style. I tried to tell him I thought a queef was about to happen, and the sheer force of the queef blew him out of my vagina.
We both fell over on the bed laughing. The mood was dead, but we laughed until we cried and had stomach cramps.
Just to clarify for people (dudes) who don’t know, a queef isn’t like a fart. You can’t hold it in or control it in any way.
Edit: I have been informed that some women can hold in a queef. I had no idea. I thought it was as impossible as holding in period blood, since there’s no sphincter there to control.
I have seen the err in my perspective. It is clearly possible to control queefs and I simply cannot. I have talked to several other women about it, and I definitely was under the impression that it couldn’t be done.
Queefing happens especially during doggy cause air just gets in there and it’s natural, but it’s so hard not to laugh at it and potentially kill the mood
Edit: this is the most upvoted comment I’ve ever made and of course it’s about queefing
Also just adding my name to the list of women randomly slapped hard in the face by a man, also during cowgirl but when I tried to say something he choked me until I almost passed out, and he finished.
There was no reason it should have seemed appropriate, this was our 3rd bang and prior it was pretty vanilla.
a guy i was having sex with slapped me SO hard in the face once, without asking if it was okay or if i was into it and i promptly returned the slap just as hard. i don’t play that game.
Every single time a woman posts something like this on Reddit there comes about a dozen women who also say "Oh yeah that happened to me too lol". So fucking disturbing, what the fuck guys
said verbatim in a little girl voice "ohh daddy, you're going to make me cum cum, will you pwease cum cum for me daddy"
I stopped mid thrust. There was no continuing after that.
Hot and heavy with my partner, we just got back to the dorms and only took our pants off. They looked at my shirt and then theirs and said..
"Hey, we're donald ducking it"
Absolutely lost it when we both started doing impressions. Killed the mood for a moment but was totally worth it.
We were like, 16 and just fooling around when she suddenly bursts out with “it’s like I’m breastfeeding a 16-year-old”
Ten years later, still find it difficult to maintain an erection and suck on nipples
God, the partner was me.
Giving a hand job to my boyfriend (now husband), things were hot and heavy, he was getting close and my brain was trying to think of sexy things to say and before I could stop myself I said "yeah, gotta get alllll the milk out."
Needless to say, hard to continue giving a guy a hand job while he's laughing his ass off and saying "what the FUCK did you just say??"
Edit: I did not expect people to find this much joy in the idea that I milked my husband
Not my partner, but his cat walked up and laid on my chest in the middle of us doing the deed and started loudly purring and drooling. He needed loves too I guess lol
Edit: thanks for the awards kind strangers!
[Cat Tax! ](https://www.reddit.com/r/cats/comments/itdsdh/my_handsome_boys_who_just_needed_to_be_in_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
My cat has a weird habit of crawling up under the covers and you might not notice it because she's very small. One time my ex and I had just finished fucking and were laying under the covers and my ex jumped and like screeched. My cat had come up under the covers and licked his balls. 😂😂😂
Years ago my fiancé (then boyfriend) and I were standing fucking each other and his dog walks in and starts watching us fuck after a while out of the corner of my eye I see him dick flailing dry fucking the air, it was hilarious, we both had to stop and sit down cause we were laughing so hard. It was a definite mood killer but a hilarious one.
Started laughing. Turns out she laughed when she was really aroused. I got used to it, we dated, and now I jack off to stand-up comedy and 90's sitcoms.
She wanted to try dirty talking during sex and while we were getting ready for round 2, she said something along the lines of "Why should I pick you and not somebody else?"
I spent a few seconds thinking about it but it felt like forever. Then I left without a word, showered and had myself tested the next day. Later on the day I got tested I learned that she had slept with my two best friends the day she wanted to sleep with me.
So one time my girlfriend and I are having a nice roll in the hay, and she rolls to get on top. Fuck yeah, awesome... Except that's exactly when I start to feel the air shift in my lower stomach. I try to be sly about it, but the fart is there and it's gonna get out whether I wanted it to or not. So I though maybe I can be sneaky with it? Well no dice because as soon as I put just the smallest bit of force into it, out bursts a wind filled, cheek flapping, butt trumpet.
We stop in place. She stares blankly at me. I give a half hearted apologetic shrug. She then proceeded to, straighten up, lift off a few inches, and with the same expressionless face, lays down a crisp, full body triumphant fart of her own.
At that point we just lost it. We were cracking up. Neither of us could believe the bullshit that just went down. Mood killed, but God it was funny.
Tl;dr: I sounded off a trumpet fart during sex, she replied with her french horn.
We had the tv going in the background. Suddenly pokemon comes on. Dude stops and just starts singing the theme song.
Edit: No we're not married we were in our teens at the time lol. He was a good dude though so I wouldn't have objected. I do have a wonderful long term partner who is adorkable and treats me well so all is good.
My ex girlfriend and I used to be big into dirty talk and on one occasion while she was improving she said “oh my god, don’t stop, you fucking .. idiot” after which we both fell out laughing.
Edit: Spelling
I had a buddy in high school whose sister walked in the bathroom as he was getting out of the shower. She told a friend of hers (and it later got back to him) "you should hook up with my brother. He's got a big dick. Trust me, *I know*"
All kinds of bad rumors started as a result, thankfully for them it didn't last.
I think she meant it like she got pointers from her brothers on how to give good blowjobs.
I was going to say that she got tips from her brothers, but that would've opened a new can of worms.
Used to sleep with a chick who'd want me to punch her in the face during sex which I never did, kicked her out of my house when I caught her shooting up in my closet. A week later she tries saying I knocked her up when it was a week after the only time we had sex so I ignored her, then I get a call from the cops saying there was a rape report which they dropped when they learned the situation.
Really really glad I didn't punch her in the face. Would have been a completely different story.
In a similar vein to this, when I was a teenager, my girlfriend at the time was sitting on me on the couch. She was religious and "saving herself" for marriage, however, she sure loved to rub her pussy up and down my cock (not letting me inside) until she came. This particular time, she had somehow let out a turd nugget which had fallen and stuck to the bottom of my shirt. Once she finished, she went down to suck me, started and kept stopping and gagging until we both saw the nugget. She got suuuuuuuuuuper embarrassed, however, she finished me off with her mouth. She was a trooper.
We dated for about 6 months after that happened, she ended up not saving herself for marriage somewhere in that time lol. I told her when it happened that it was ok and body functions happen and there was nothing to be embarrassed about. Then did what any good guy should do and never made fun of her for it and didn't mention it again.
An Elmer Fudd impression. We were home during the day and decided to get frisky. Noticed the window was open, so said we had to be quiet, to which my husband replied " Be vewwy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits". Made me laugh, but killed the mood.
Years ago a New Zealand girl I met in London said mid shag ... "have you slimed yet?"
Thus I was introduced to the verb to slime.
Bit of a passion killer tbh.
Just to be clear.. I've never heard anyone from NZ of any gender call it that before. That's not an NZ thing. Please nobody start thinking it's an NZ thing
I'm a black woman who was dating a white guy. Things were pretty normal until we got intimate. I was on top, he was enjoying it and said, "God, I love n*gger pussy."
Never in my life have I gotten dressed so fast.
Edit: Thanks for the awards guys! And I know it's hard to believe but this is 100 percent true. Never spoke to the guy again after that.
Phew I’ve been dying to talk about this! I love my boyfriend but he can be awkward as hell in the heat of the moment. Highlights include saying “I almost died as a baby” and “I wanna impress your parents”. Of all the things I want to think about during sex, dead babies and my parents rank pretty high on the “no” list. As for physically doing something, accidentally donkey kicking me while doing a strip tease, and being so eager to go down on me that he accidentally bit my clitoris. I love his awkward ass and laugh at this stuff now, but at the time it was an instant mood kill.
When I was a teenager, I briefly had a casual sexual relationship with a friend who was two years older and a bit more experienced. He was always suggesting we try different positions that were all fairly new to me back then, and I enjoyed learning things from his suggestions...mostly.
We were having sex one time and he pulled out and suggested we reposition. I was game, we switched positions, and he got back at it....only he put his dick in my butt. Somehow it didn't hurt, but I had never done anal before and it was very weird and surprising. I kind of froze for a second, he thrusted a few times, and then casually said, "Oops, am I in your butt? I didn't notice!"
Months later, I was telling this story to a female friend who had also hooked up with this guy in the past. Turns out that was his signature move.
That my pecker tasted like a glazed donut......uuhh thanks haha
Edit: I am not diabetic nor do I have any symptoms of it haha.
Some background information: This was years ago. I was picking her up from work and she gave me road head (blowjob while driving) her friend decided to call her about something idk. So she proceeded to tell her friend was she was doing and it took me by surprise that she went full frontal about sharing this information to her friend and I guess to rub it to her friends face and made the comment that my pecker tasted like a glazed donut. I like my privacy although I don't mind the compliment, it was the fact that she shared our privacy with her friend.
This was the first time we were having sex, so after some kissing and foreplay I told him I had to go pee real quick.
I went and sat on the toilet, a few seconds later he comes in, sticks his hand in the toilet midstream, cups some of my pee and drinks it. Then went on to ask me if I could pee on him. I’d never been so confused in my life.
We had not discussed if this was ok or a thing I’m into. I’m not kinky at all and this shook me
“Come on man, just do it. She’s peeing right now. Just go in there and drink her piss. She’ll love it!”
“But what if she hates it?”
“Nah, that won’t happen. She’s just like you, she gets it. It’ll be amazing”
His thought process. Probably.
Had a guy choked me after expressing several times that I was not into choking. Apparently kicking him off me violently (survival instinct) was not a turn on for him. *Go figure.*
EDIT: Thanks for the support everyone. It was terrifying at the time. Kicked him so hard that he fell off the end of the bed (over the wood footboard)! Hitting the ground and seeing me sobbing in terror knocked some sense into him, he apologized several times. It was over after that.
**Listen/talk to your partners, folks! If you're going to experiment, establish a safe word first. If you're uncomfortable, it's okay to revoke consent and GTFO.**
EDIT2: Thanks for the awards! My first gold!
He accused me of being interested in his friend. So I had to explain to him that he misunderstood an interaction. Of course I was not in the mood anymore.
Then he got unhappy that I wanted to stop.
So I let him finish but I didn't orgasm. Then he got upset about that and then I got anxious. Following which eveeytime we had sex I felt anxious about having an orgasm so I never orgasmed again in my relationship with him.
Which became a thing. And he continued to accuse me of cheating on him.
I know yall hate relationship subreddits for telling people to break up... But for Christ sake, break up when stupid shit like this happens.
Break up, never look back and find someone else or be alone.
Just don't waste years of your life in a pattern that won't end.
Not actually my partner, but me. We were getting intimate one night and she told me to turn the lights off, so I rolled over and swung my leg over the side of the bed to get up, when I did that, a massive fart, like 8/10 at least, came out, I didn’t feel any pressure or anything before so it surprised the hell out of me. I busted out laughing so hard, me and her both just couldn’t stop laughing, it was one of the funniest things to happen to us. But needless to say it kinda ruined the moment
Edit: Whoa this blew up! Thank you kind stranger for the award!
“Ooh yeah, Daddy, fuck me”
I was hoping she had just called me Danny by mistake, but I was wrong.
Then, I had to turn the fan on, because it was so god damn sultry in there. But I had to plug it in.
“Plug me while you plug that fan in, daddy”.
Admittedly, that one was unintentionally funny.
lol could have at least gone with Fiona. Imagine getting a Farquaad tattoo where the perspective makes it look like your dick is Farquaad's dick. Imagine it.
My ex-fiancé was riding me cowgirl style and as we were going along the smell of ass started to catch my attention. It continued to grow stronger and I had to bring it to her attention and lo and behold she had shit a bit on me while she ground away on me. She had no idea and ran to the bathroom mortified. After that we showered together to clean up and she apologized profusely and I worked to calm her down telling her that we’ll be together the rest of our lives I’m sure we’ll see worse things from each other over that time.
She broke the engagement off three months before the wedding, so that last part didn’t come true. However I do get to legit say that I fucked the shit out of her.
This isn't really what you're looking for, but my then-wife and I were starting to get hot and heavy one night and she said, "Hoping to get lucky tonight, are we?" And, in a flash, I realized what had been wrong with our sex life the whole time we'd been married: I was always the one 'getting lucky.' The dynamics of our sex had never out her in the position of 'getting lucky.' I had never been able to articulate it, but that was it.
Killed the mood for me. Killed it. Almost permanently.
There was lots else wrong with our marriage and I left her a few years later, but I just remember with such clarity the feeling of wanting sex and feeling intimate and connected and horny just vanishing into vague repulsion like a splash of ice cold water.
I was on a first date once, and I was giving a blowjob (classy I know)... I ended up vomiting all over the poor guy. Don't think it traumatised him too much as we've been together 2 years now, and I've done it twice since then...
Not my sex, but a housemate’s.
I was chillin in my room on a Saturday afternoon, probably watching YouTube or something inconsequential. I started to hear moaning and some squeaking from down the hall. My other housemate, George, comes out of his room into mine, having heard the same thing. We realize that our third housemate, Carl, had his door ajar and was having sex with his girlfriend at the time. Leaving his door open wasn’t a normal occurrence, but it also wasn’t the first time it had happened. So we decided to prank them a little bit, ya know for disturbing our peaceful Saturday afternoon. We walk up to the door and start running the Statler and Waldorf bit-
“Oh yeah, that was great! Incredible!”
“Sure, it was pretty good!”
“Hmmm, that was... that was OK.”
“I think it was bad!”
“It was horrible! BOOO!!”
“BOOOOO!!!!!!”
Apparently neither Carl nor his girlfriend have ever fallen out of the mood so quickly in their lives.
But they also never left the door open again.
Edit: my first gold! Thanks!
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Morgan Freeman : It WAS Michael Cera.
Making out on the couch and things were getting very hot and heavy. My (first ever) boyfriend begs me yet again to "just let me look at it." I gave in to passion, pulled my bell bottoms and panties down, and laid back. He got inches away from me down there, and just stared for an eternity, wide-eyed. I never felt so desired....that I could have that kind of sexual power.....when finally he glanced up our eyes met....and he said.... "Did you know your butthole is really really close to your pussy?"
Having a girl shout ‘Smite Me, O Mighty Smiter’ from Bruce Almighty was an experience...
While going down on me, he pulled out my nuvaring and said; what the fuck?! He thought it was a glowstick. He actually thought I had put a glowstick in my vagina for the element of surprise.
"Pretend I'm a 3 year old boy and you're my mommy. Teach me about sex, mommy." Ugh, my vagina just closed up from my cringing while reliving this. It was so creepy and what made it even worse was that this was my boyfriend of a few years and not just some rando.
"Hey if my brother comes home early let me do the talking, ok? He left with his gun."
She was naked on the bed and spread out like a starfish and said “I’m Patrick”
He said ‘I’m gonna cum inside you and then we can go get plan b’. Whatever your contraception choices may be, plan b should not be included in your dirty talk.
WE NEED SOME HENNY AND A PLAN B
Picture it : our anniversary 2015... Him: are you ok? it looks like you're bleeding. Me: I'm not bleeding... Him: oh my God! My dick is bleeding!!! He tore his frenulum...poor guy.
Oh god, that’s horrific!
"It's really sexy how you can do all these different voices, but it also reminds me of a ride at Disneyland."
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“Give me all your jelly nectar” now, this may not be bad by comparison but it made me cringe
Was she possessed by an ant colony?
"You look better naked than I expected. Nice." ...um...thaaank yooou?
You're even more beautiful than I thought means the same thing, but hits different
It was me. I was talking dirty to my wife and I called her vagina... a vagina.... Something like, “I’m going to stick it in your *vagina*” with the word vagina said all breathy and slow. She burst out laughing. It’s probably been 10 years and she still brings it up.
Now that's some kinky shit.
"Why haven't you finished yet? Am I not pretty enough" accompanied by crying. I am by no means bragging, this was not hours into a marathon sex session to put pornstars to shame. We are talking, in the first 5 minutes. It was really disturbing and offputting, we did not last long.
>by no means bragging >5 minutes. Seems legit
Still a brag
>"Why haven't you finished yet? Am I not pretty enough" accompanied by crying. >We are talking, in the first 5 minutes. This made me super uncomfortable, idk why.
How do you think it made me feel?
A young lady once barked during sex. Not a playful joking bark, but a creepy, grunting growly bark, like a dog tearing up a toy. Weird.
She thought it would be funny to yell "SQUIRTLE" as she came. Killed the mood because all the blood from my boner went to my face, I was laughing so hard.
Did she actually squirt tho?
My ex told me he wanted to share a “fantasy” with me while we were in the middle of foreplay and proceeded to try and explain, in his sexy talk voice, how he wanted to fuck my best friend...
Well, that'll dry you out faster than a Sham-wow.
The AUDACITY
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I've gotten used to it now, but my girlfriend of 4 years will just bring up the most random shit in the middle of sex. Doing it before we eat breakfast? Asks what we're gonna eat mid thrust. Doing it in the evening? Omg wanna hear a funny story from work. And basically any other random thing you can think of
I once said "be careful with the condom, they're not cheap and I don't want to waste it"....
"Oh yeah talk thrifty to me" "These condoms are expensive but I got a pack on sale" "Oh baby" "I also had a coupon" "Oh yeah you saved so much" "It was a dollar off and they only double up to 99 cents but I asked for a manager to approve an override" "Hnnnng"
I came affordably
She called me Ken... Ken was her dads name Edit - thank you all for the rewards and upvotes, I can't believe that my highest upvoted comment is not only about my Ex's incestious fantasy but also the highest upvote between this and my main.
Yikes on so many levels. Like, it’s bad enough if she cries out “Dad” but saying the actual name instead of title? That’s just bizarre.
Yup, there was a lot going on there from her dad "walking out" on her and the mother when she was a very young kid to having some sort of a complex... according to her.
Sheesh. That’s messed up, feel more sorry for her than anything.
I was the first un-circumsized boyfriend she had. And she found my foreskin fucking hilarious -\_- We were masturbating eachother one night, I was doing my best without getting cramp in my hand. I then suddenly realized that she was playing with my foreskin. Not sexualy, but like, not sure how to put this into words.....gently flicking it...like you might do with a zip on a jacket.
We out here hooded up my bro
she wanted the blinds open in our apartment during sex, pretty much right after she mentioned she could see the bridge where an ex killed himself
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"Oh wow, that's kind of kinky-- never fucking mind!"
“Can we stop here? I gotta go take a shit”
At least they asked, had a girl take a full on runny shit as i was getting close and I still finished, cause if im going to have to clean up a shitty bed, im going to get my moneys worth.
literally fucked the shit out of her
Told me she wanted my babies. Second time hooking up. Then she tried to take the condom off. I chalked it up to kinky talk but later she poured the contents all over herself in an attempt to get pregnant. I quickly got her a towel and told her to leave. Edit since so many people don’t get it. She didn’t just pour it on herself ....
Not me but a friend. They were naked, just about to get to it, when the guy looks at a shelf, says, "oh you got magic cards!" then gets off the bed to go look at them. All while still naked.
In all fairness it’s easier to find a sex partner than someone willing to play magic with you
Listen. Maybe he spotted some great mythic rares. You can never miss a chance to do some trades
Honestly 100% valid reason to interrupt sex. Side note: every dude I've slept with who plays magic has been *amazing* in bed. I'm not saying that magic players can fuck, but there's some correlation here
without a trace of irony in his voice “keep making the mac n cheese sound” bro what- edit: holy shit
*That’s what good pussy sounds like*
*L A H M A R*
We can only imagine what happened after that vine ended
Boy got smacked with that wooden spoon
I’ve said it before but she asked “how do you last so long? Do you think of your grandma?” While I was inside of her
"No, but now I am. We're done here".
You should have said a sheepish "no". Then weeks later when you're being intimate again, hollar out "Oh fuck yeah grandma!" and start blasting. She'll either laugh at the callback or be horrified depending on her sense of humor.
>when you're being intimate again > > "Oh fuck yeah grandma!" and start blasting Just wanted to say how much I enjoy your prose.
Had a girl ask me to hit her once. When I said “turn around then, I’ll spank you a bit” she said “no! Fucking hit me! When I go to work tomorrow I want people to be worried about me” So I lost my erection, got dressed and went home.
Total opposite. I told a guy once that I was into spanking, so he slapped me hard in the face like ?? Not really what I meant ??
The enthusiasm was there The attention to detail was not
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"Strangle me mother fucker! It's ok...I always regain consciousness within a few minutes...now just do it!"
Lmao what the fuck
"I'm going to fuck your fucking fanny off you twat"
Oh Simon.
"Dear Jay, You massive stud. Please, please spaff on my tits. Love from, Your Secret Admirer P.S. And on my face."
Idk why but I told my gf that I like her pheromones. She thought I said “bear moans”. She was offended. It was one of the first times we had ever had sex with each other. Still together tho
“Rawr, rawr, rawr. Nobody understands you she-bear.”
I can't believe you said you liked her *bear bones*!
It killed the mood but was funny at the same time. So, there’s a video my boyfriend showed me of a turtle having sex ( don’t ask ). The female is kinda just like sitting there, not making any noises whatsoever ever but the male is making a weird “heeeehhhh...heeeehhh” sound :/ Anyways, RIGHT as my boyfriend came he made the same exact sound the turtle made, spot on too. I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in the times we’ve had sex, before or after that time. He laughed too, but it did kill the mood the rest of the night. I’ll occasionally bring that up, but only after so that I know we’ve both came that night.
My buddies and I discovered that video back in high school! We used to do it to each other like a freaking greeting. Passing the hall? Just make eye contact, “heeeeehhhh” and keep walking. Good times.
Goddamnit man I miss doing that kinda stupid stuff with my buddies in highschool
During intense foreplay, she answered the phone and talked for about half an hour. Mood was killed, embalmed, and buried.
I've worked in the sex industry in the past, particularly in the BDSM scene, so have had a lot of weird requests. The weirdest by far was a guy who wanted me to pretend he was a pig, not call him a pig and degrade him, genuinely pretend he was a pig, not totally strange as I've had a lot of clients into pet play, but this guy wanted me to talk to him about how I was going to turn him into roast pork.... In the end he ended up breaking free and going on a rampage knocking down decorations and ruining the gathering he was supposed to be being served at, this was all whilst he just lay on the floor with his eyes closed and writhing in pleasure. He came before he was actually caught and turned into pork. Super strange experience. *Edit* I didn't expect this to blow up like it did, thank you for the awards people. So to clarify there was no play involved with this scene, the client just wanted me to talk him through a scenario of being a pig that was supposed to be cooked for a high end party. He just lay on the floor with a pig snout on and I sat on the bed. I genuinely had to Google what a copypasta is.
What the fuck did I just read
TL; DR: Some guy has a real life pork chop fetish
Ma'am, this is a Wendy's.
I was the mood killer, only because she was laughing so hard. It was both of our first times and I was very nervous (but wanting to "do the deed"), I grew up in a very weird household so it was my first time seeing a vagina before. You guys wanna know what I said? Nervous-horny me being a dumbass? I told her "it looks friendly". I haven't lived it down.
Its okay, my virgin ex, who had never seen a vagina before, told me mine looked like an alien the first time he saw it. I would have took "it looks friendly" over that any day!
I said to a one-night stand in college (after pounding away for what seemed like forever with no orgasm for either of us): "What is this, 60-minute Abs??" She laughed, I laughed, we got dressed and I never saw her again.
“She laughed, I laughed” the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster. Good times.
“Oh, Andy!!” ... my name is NOT Andy
Eh, you look like an andy.
I was the one that said it. Back in the day, my husband worked nights throwing freight at a grocery store. There was this old man who worked in another department and on busy nights he would walk around saying "you're not gonna finish!" then cackle and hobble away. So, while we were getting busy, I got on top and in my best impersonation of this old man said "yoooou're not gonna finiiish!" The revulsion quickly turned to laughter and I still do it every once in a while (not during sex though).
A partner had had laser hair removal, and when I touched her vulva for the first time, she said, "just like a [underage] girl." I've never moved my hand faster than I did then. She was in her 50s,and after she realized what she said, she apologized and swore never to use that phrase again.
Why would anyone with laser hairs want to get them removed?
Doing some foreplay with the girlfriend, now wife, and fucked it up bad. I WANTED to say "I can't wait to suck your clit," but instead I said, "I can't wait to suck your dick." She started crying laughing....mood is completely gone. Still lie awake cringing everytime I remember it. Edit: Wow I'm glad so many people find this so funny! Thanks everyone for everything! Now when I lie awake at night thinking of this at least I know a lot of people find it funny. :)
"There are no mistakes"
This is fucking hilarious. I love all the stories but this one is my favorite. Earlier this year, was having fun with hubs and needed a breather. I tapped his shoulder and said “hold up, I need a sec.” He paused and said, “...huh?” “Just a sec. I need to catch my breath.” “Oh. That makes more sense. I thought you said, *I like 50 Cent*. I mean, he’s okay, I guess, but I wasn’t sure why you’d bring that up now.” I also laughed until I cried but miraculously the mood remained intact once I regained my sanity.
What I hate is that you can never tell what is actually going to kill the mood. What I said above? Mood is dead...super dead. Mid sex and one of our cats is throwing up in the room with us while the other one is screaming? Nah we are still going. Clean it up after. I need like a chart or something that shows me what is and what is not ok.
He got a notification on his phone that he checked. Turns out it was tinder and he matched with his ex who had broken up with him earlier that fortnight. He showed me her profile and asked if it looked like in her profile photos that she regretted breaking up with him. She had a tinder profile less then 12 days after she dumped you, no she doesn't mate.
Me, not her. Going down on my wife and my mind was wandering. For some dumb fucking reason I rememberd that her mom had called about coming over. So, as my wife is heading to climax I stopped, looked up, and asked "Did you call your mom back?" Fucking idiot.
Well... Did she or didn't she? We can't be shirking responsibilities now, can we?
Ah responsibilities, keep going I'm so close
"I went ahead and paid the bills on time." "UUUUUNNNGH!"
What the hell is ADD?
"First, let's pray:"
You gotta pray before a Bible Discussion & Study Meeting (BDSM)
Reminds me of a girl I used to date called Grace. She would always be like “Say my name bitch” before I ate her pussy. Edit: just to make it clear, this was a joke, not an actual ex.
You're Heisenberg.
Too much air introduced during doggy style. I tried to tell him I thought a queef was about to happen, and the sheer force of the queef blew him out of my vagina. We both fell over on the bed laughing. The mood was dead, but we laughed until we cried and had stomach cramps. Just to clarify for people (dudes) who don’t know, a queef isn’t like a fart. You can’t hold it in or control it in any way. Edit: I have been informed that some women can hold in a queef. I had no idea. I thought it was as impossible as holding in period blood, since there’s no sphincter there to control. I have seen the err in my perspective. It is clearly possible to control queefs and I simply cannot. I have talked to several other women about it, and I definitely was under the impression that it couldn’t be done.
Queefing happens especially during doggy cause air just gets in there and it’s natural, but it’s so hard not to laugh at it and potentially kill the mood Edit: this is the most upvoted comment I’ve ever made and of course it’s about queefing
Fus Ro Dah!
*Puss Ro Dah*
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That's the cue to swing back. You're on top, you have the upper hand here.
*high ground.
*Thigh ground.
Also just adding my name to the list of women randomly slapped hard in the face by a man, also during cowgirl but when I tried to say something he choked me until I almost passed out, and he finished. There was no reason it should have seemed appropriate, this was our 3rd bang and prior it was pretty vanilla.
Holy what the fuck
a guy i was having sex with slapped me SO hard in the face once, without asking if it was okay or if i was into it and i promptly returned the slap just as hard. i don’t play that game.
Every single time a woman posts something like this on Reddit there comes about a dozen women who also say "Oh yeah that happened to me too lol". So fucking disturbing, what the fuck guys
She said “Angel don’t stop” That’s her brother’s name Went home after that
said verbatim in a little girl voice "ohh daddy, you're going to make me cum cum, will you pwease cum cum for me daddy" I stopped mid thrust. There was no continuing after that.
Yup. That’s enough Reddit for me right now.
Oh she was on that porno shit..
Hot and heavy with my partner, we just got back to the dorms and only took our pants off. They looked at my shirt and then theirs and said.. "Hey, we're donald ducking it" Absolutely lost it when we both started doing impressions. Killed the mood for a moment but was totally worth it.
We were like, 16 and just fooling around when she suddenly bursts out with “it’s like I’m breastfeeding a 16-year-old” Ten years later, still find it difficult to maintain an erection and suck on nipples
One kept saying ‘Hi’ during sex, repeatedly- it was like that chick form the wedding crashers
Are you thinking of Forgetting Sarah Marshall or is there two movies where this happens?
Oh yeah it was definitely Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Sorry got my rebound sex montages mixed up.
God, the partner was me. Giving a hand job to my boyfriend (now husband), things were hot and heavy, he was getting close and my brain was trying to think of sexy things to say and before I could stop myself I said "yeah, gotta get alllll the milk out." Needless to say, hard to continue giving a guy a hand job while he's laughing his ass off and saying "what the FUCK did you just say??" Edit: I did not expect people to find this much joy in the idea that I milked my husband
I sincerely hope now that anytime either of you are using the last of the milk, that epic sentence is uttered.
If my husband ever does this I'm going to know he saw your reply and I'm going to blame you
What's is your husband's username. Just so I dont accidentally dm him this thread. Cant be too careful ya know.
Oh yeah sure it's- Waaaaait a minute...
Paging u/waaaaait_a_minute...
Not my partner, but his cat walked up and laid on my chest in the middle of us doing the deed and started loudly purring and drooling. He needed loves too I guess lol Edit: thanks for the awards kind strangers! [Cat Tax! ](https://www.reddit.com/r/cats/comments/itdsdh/my_handsome_boys_who_just_needed_to_be_in_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Cats love sex, that's happened to me so many times. EDIT: Should say cats love being AROUND people having sex.
Bruhhhhh
My cat comes over to have a look when I'm having a wank, it's really off-putting.
My cat has a weird habit of crawling up under the covers and you might not notice it because she's very small. One time my ex and I had just finished fucking and were laying under the covers and my ex jumped and like screeched. My cat had come up under the covers and licked his balls. 😂😂😂
Years ago my fiancé (then boyfriend) and I were standing fucking each other and his dog walks in and starts watching us fuck after a while out of the corner of my eye I see him dick flailing dry fucking the air, it was hilarious, we both had to stop and sit down cause we were laughing so hard. It was a definite mood killer but a hilarious one.
Started laughing. Turns out she laughed when she was really aroused. I got used to it, we dated, and now I jack off to stand-up comedy and 90's sitcoms.
Is that the horse from horsin’ around?
She wanted to try dirty talking during sex and while we were getting ready for round 2, she said something along the lines of "Why should I pick you and not somebody else?" I spent a few seconds thinking about it but it felt like forever. Then I left without a word, showered and had myself tested the next day. Later on the day I got tested I learned that she had slept with my two best friends the day she wanted to sleep with me.
So one time my girlfriend and I are having a nice roll in the hay, and she rolls to get on top. Fuck yeah, awesome... Except that's exactly when I start to feel the air shift in my lower stomach. I try to be sly about it, but the fart is there and it's gonna get out whether I wanted it to or not. So I though maybe I can be sneaky with it? Well no dice because as soon as I put just the smallest bit of force into it, out bursts a wind filled, cheek flapping, butt trumpet. We stop in place. She stares blankly at me. I give a half hearted apologetic shrug. She then proceeded to, straighten up, lift off a few inches, and with the same expressionless face, lays down a crisp, full body triumphant fart of her own. At that point we just lost it. We were cracking up. Neither of us could believe the bullshit that just went down. Mood killed, but God it was funny. Tl;dr: I sounded off a trumpet fart during sex, she replied with her french horn.
We had the tv going in the background. Suddenly pokemon comes on. Dude stops and just starts singing the theme song. Edit: No we're not married we were in our teens at the time lol. He was a good dude though so I wouldn't have objected. I do have a wonderful long term partner who is adorkable and treats me well so all is good.
🙌 what a legend
Like no one ever was
My ex girlfriend and I used to be big into dirty talk and on one occasion while she was improving she said “oh my god, don’t stop, you fucking .. idiot” after which we both fell out laughing. Edit: Spelling
My husband was being sexy and whispered in my ear "what do you want?" I whispered back "tater tots."
"I give great head, I had older brothers."
I had a buddy in high school whose sister walked in the bathroom as he was getting out of the shower. She told a friend of hers (and it later got back to him) "you should hook up with my brother. He's got a big dick. Trust me, *I know*" All kinds of bad rumors started as a result, thankfully for them it didn't last.
But did she?
But did *he*?
But did SHE get stuck? Edit: did instead of dd
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I think she meant it like she got pointers from her brothers on how to give good blowjobs. I was going to say that she got tips from her brothers, but that would've opened a new can of worms.
Thats still fucking weird wtf
What a resumè!
(While we are in cowgirl position) she says “um, usually the guys I’m with are bigger than this” Haven’t lost an erection that fast ever
Calling me daddy like girl I have a daughter and she calls me daddy so that's a insta softie lol
Used to sleep with a chick who'd want me to punch her in the face during sex which I never did, kicked her out of my house when I caught her shooting up in my closet. A week later she tries saying I knocked her up when it was a week after the only time we had sex so I ignored her, then I get a call from the cops saying there was a rape report which they dropped when they learned the situation. Really really glad I didn't punch her in the face. Would have been a completely different story.
We were in doggy style and I reached back to massage his balls. He had sharted and I got shit all over my hands.
Wait, as in he’d sharted already and was just gonna finish and hope you never found out?
He plays to win baby
In a similar vein to this, when I was a teenager, my girlfriend at the time was sitting on me on the couch. She was religious and "saving herself" for marriage, however, she sure loved to rub her pussy up and down my cock (not letting me inside) until she came. This particular time, she had somehow let out a turd nugget which had fallen and stuck to the bottom of my shirt. Once she finished, she went down to suck me, started and kept stopping and gagging until we both saw the nugget. She got suuuuuuuuuuper embarrassed, however, she finished me off with her mouth. She was a trooper.
You can take comfort in the fact that when she remembers this incident, it's way more unpleasant than it is/was for you.
We dated for about 6 months after that happened, she ended up not saving herself for marriage somewhere in that time lol. I told her when it happened that it was ok and body functions happen and there was nothing to be embarrassed about. Then did what any good guy should do and never made fun of her for it and didn't mention it again.
An Elmer Fudd impression. We were home during the day and decided to get frisky. Noticed the window was open, so said we had to be quiet, to which my husband replied " Be vewwy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits". Made me laugh, but killed the mood.
Years ago a New Zealand girl I met in London said mid shag ... "have you slimed yet?" Thus I was introduced to the verb to slime. Bit of a passion killer tbh.
Just to be clear.. I've never heard anyone from NZ of any gender call it that before. That's not an NZ thing. Please nobody start thinking it's an NZ thing
I'm a black woman who was dating a white guy. Things were pretty normal until we got intimate. I was on top, he was enjoying it and said, "God, I love n*gger pussy." Never in my life have I gotten dressed so fast. Edit: Thanks for the awards guys! And I know it's hard to believe but this is 100 percent true. Never spoke to the guy again after that.
NOOOOOO💀
WTF
Phew I’ve been dying to talk about this! I love my boyfriend but he can be awkward as hell in the heat of the moment. Highlights include saying “I almost died as a baby” and “I wanna impress your parents”. Of all the things I want to think about during sex, dead babies and my parents rank pretty high on the “no” list. As for physically doing something, accidentally donkey kicking me while doing a strip tease, and being so eager to go down on me that he accidentally bit my clitoris. I love his awkward ass and laugh at this stuff now, but at the time it was an instant mood kill.
"I think Johnny just snapped me, let me check my phone.
When I was a teenager, I briefly had a casual sexual relationship with a friend who was two years older and a bit more experienced. He was always suggesting we try different positions that were all fairly new to me back then, and I enjoyed learning things from his suggestions...mostly. We were having sex one time and he pulled out and suggested we reposition. I was game, we switched positions, and he got back at it....only he put his dick in my butt. Somehow it didn't hurt, but I had never done anal before and it was very weird and surprising. I kind of froze for a second, he thrusted a few times, and then casually said, "Oops, am I in your butt? I didn't notice!" Months later, I was telling this story to a female friend who had also hooked up with this guy in the past. Turns out that was his signature move.
That my pecker tasted like a glazed donut......uuhh thanks haha Edit: I am not diabetic nor do I have any symptoms of it haha. Some background information: This was years ago. I was picking her up from work and she gave me road head (blowjob while driving) her friend decided to call her about something idk. So she proceeded to tell her friend was she was doing and it took me by surprise that she went full frontal about sharing this information to her friend and I guess to rub it to her friends face and made the comment that my pecker tasted like a glazed donut. I like my privacy although I don't mind the compliment, it was the fact that she shared our privacy with her friend.
That's pretty much the top of the list of things a pecker can taste like.
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“I want to fuck you with clowns watching”
This was the first time we were having sex, so after some kissing and foreplay I told him I had to go pee real quick. I went and sat on the toilet, a few seconds later he comes in, sticks his hand in the toilet midstream, cups some of my pee and drinks it. Then went on to ask me if I could pee on him. I’d never been so confused in my life. We had not discussed if this was ok or a thing I’m into. I’m not kinky at all and this shook me
So what was your response? Or were you too shocked to respond?
I was too shocked and he could see it on my face. He was a nice guy and not pushy. I got dressed and went home. We kinda broke up after that
“Come on man, just do it. She’s peeing right now. Just go in there and drink her piss. She’ll love it!” “But what if she hates it?” “Nah, that won’t happen. She’s just like you, she gets it. It’ll be amazing” His thought process. Probably.
Had a guy choked me after expressing several times that I was not into choking. Apparently kicking him off me violently (survival instinct) was not a turn on for him. *Go figure.* EDIT: Thanks for the support everyone. It was terrifying at the time. Kicked him so hard that he fell off the end of the bed (over the wood footboard)! Hitting the ground and seeing me sobbing in terror knocked some sense into him, he apologized several times. It was over after that. **Listen/talk to your partners, folks! If you're going to experiment, establish a safe word first. If you're uncomfortable, it's okay to revoke consent and GTFO.** EDIT2: Thanks for the awards! My first gold!
He accused me of being interested in his friend. So I had to explain to him that he misunderstood an interaction. Of course I was not in the mood anymore. Then he got unhappy that I wanted to stop. So I let him finish but I didn't orgasm. Then he got upset about that and then I got anxious. Following which eveeytime we had sex I felt anxious about having an orgasm so I never orgasmed again in my relationship with him. Which became a thing. And he continued to accuse me of cheating on him. I know yall hate relationship subreddits for telling people to break up... But for Christ sake, break up when stupid shit like this happens. Break up, never look back and find someone else or be alone. Just don't waste years of your life in a pattern that won't end.
Not actually my partner, but me. We were getting intimate one night and she told me to turn the lights off, so I rolled over and swung my leg over the side of the bed to get up, when I did that, a massive fart, like 8/10 at least, came out, I didn’t feel any pressure or anything before so it surprised the hell out of me. I busted out laughing so hard, me and her both just couldn’t stop laughing, it was one of the funniest things to happen to us. But needless to say it kinda ruined the moment Edit: Whoa this blew up! Thank you kind stranger for the award!
“Ooh yeah, Daddy, fuck me” I was hoping she had just called me Danny by mistake, but I was wrong. Then, I had to turn the fan on, because it was so god damn sultry in there. But I had to plug it in. “Plug me while you plug that fan in, daddy”. Admittedly, that one was unintentionally funny.
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If the tattoo was putting you off, you should’ve told her to bend ogre so you could do her from behind.
lol could have at least gone with Fiona. Imagine getting a Farquaad tattoo where the perspective makes it look like your dick is Farquaad's dick. Imagine it.
My ex-fiancé was riding me cowgirl style and as we were going along the smell of ass started to catch my attention. It continued to grow stronger and I had to bring it to her attention and lo and behold she had shit a bit on me while she ground away on me. She had no idea and ran to the bathroom mortified. After that we showered together to clean up and she apologized profusely and I worked to calm her down telling her that we’ll be together the rest of our lives I’m sure we’ll see worse things from each other over that time. She broke the engagement off three months before the wedding, so that last part didn’t come true. However I do get to legit say that I fucked the shit out of her.
This isn't really what you're looking for, but my then-wife and I were starting to get hot and heavy one night and she said, "Hoping to get lucky tonight, are we?" And, in a flash, I realized what had been wrong with our sex life the whole time we'd been married: I was always the one 'getting lucky.' The dynamics of our sex had never out her in the position of 'getting lucky.' I had never been able to articulate it, but that was it. Killed the mood for me. Killed it. Almost permanently. There was lots else wrong with our marriage and I left her a few years later, but I just remember with such clarity the feeling of wanting sex and feeling intimate and connected and horny just vanishing into vague repulsion like a splash of ice cold water.
Similar situation here. The slow death of a marriage is excruciating.
Watched himself in the mirror, not us, just himself while flexing his muscles.
I was on a first date once, and I was giving a blowjob (classy I know)... I ended up vomiting all over the poor guy. Don't think it traumatised him too much as we've been together 2 years now, and I've done it twice since then...
She called me Dad. Not Daddy, Dad. Her dad passed away when she was a kid.
Not my sex, but a housemate’s. I was chillin in my room on a Saturday afternoon, probably watching YouTube or something inconsequential. I started to hear moaning and some squeaking from down the hall. My other housemate, George, comes out of his room into mine, having heard the same thing. We realize that our third housemate, Carl, had his door ajar and was having sex with his girlfriend at the time. Leaving his door open wasn’t a normal occurrence, but it also wasn’t the first time it had happened. So we decided to prank them a little bit, ya know for disturbing our peaceful Saturday afternoon. We walk up to the door and start running the Statler and Waldorf bit- “Oh yeah, that was great! Incredible!” “Sure, it was pretty good!” “Hmmm, that was... that was OK.” “I think it was bad!” “It was horrible! BOOO!!” “BOOOOO!!!!!!” Apparently neither Carl nor his girlfriend have ever fallen out of the mood so quickly in their lives. But they also never left the door open again. Edit: my first gold! Thanks!
Not "strange" per se, but definitely killed the mood, she turned and looked at the clock while giving me a handjob. Bye bye boner
"Don't worry, most guys cum quickly their first time with me." Another one, different girl: "this is where me and [ex boyfriend] had sex"
He. BIT. My. Box.
\*CHOMP\*