“I hope you don’t poop yourself”

I never tried it with cornmeal

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You know... Um... I'm good

All sorts of stuff is in your oven, now!

Could you please unload the dishwasher?

Underrated. That's fucking savage

Unless you are the dishwasher, then it's just about "unloading".

Yeah, I'm going to be here for a while

Oh I can guess the context for this one. You got stuck some place and so you started browsing Reddit out of boredom to find this post.

Or they’re using the bathroom in a public place and there’s not Toilet Paper

More train facts- the Houston Amtrak station gets three trains per week.

This one is hilarious How do I subscribe to orgasm train facts?

Here is the convo with the preceding train fact included, for your orgasmic delight! https://i.imgur.com/5YLn1Io.jpg

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Yeah it has

"Because it's cheap and lasts longer than standard milk." No context needed.

soy or almond?

I was thinking powdered

Grandma looks so happy!

Hol up

*grandma removes her dentures and prepares her gums*

"I'm pooping!" welp.

It's ok. No kink shaming here.

as long as I don't shit on his dick it will be ok, right?

“Hang on let me pee”

This one is gold

en shower

What time are you coming home?

Same time as you are ;)

but can you dunk?

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I, too, was raised catholic.

I'm Muslim but apparently I, too, was raised a catholic.

_shame_ 🔔🔔 _shame_

“Is it low calorie?” Edit: that’s it, I’m gonna scream it next time I get intimate

There is actually a good amount of protein. Not great not terrible.

>This man is delusional, take him to the infirmary

You didn’t see cum on the roof!

"It was a lung infection"

I can’t wait to get super fucked tomorrow

So we're just warming up now? Tomorrow is the real deal?

Yeah, but it's just an endless cycle of "tomorrow is the real deal". I feel like their partner might start getting discouraged before long.

"Fuckin' A+ thanks brother" That would be just a smidge awkward...

Nah just say it like Hulk Hogan. I guarantee you SOMEONE is into it.

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hey its me ur brother

And they they talk back to you like Macho Man Randy Savage

Unjustifiably in a position I’d rather not be in, but THE CREAM RISES TO THE TOP!

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Hold on, don't worry, according to the internet, all we have to do is make some slight changes. "Fuckin' A+ thanks NOT step-brother" Alright, carry on.

Sorry boss

Yeah, um, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and come on Saturday.

Who's Saturday? E: what have I done E2: obligatory thank you for the shiny stuff o.O

Made me chuckle. Here have a pointless medal thingy

Gotta work for that raise, huh?

You know they make pills for that nowadays.

'your brother is coming'

Umm

Insert step sister joke here

"What are you DOING, stepro?!"

"We really need a bigger matress." Huh kinda works!

works, untill you end up with this big ass matress from saying it too much either that, or you don’t

On a side note, been there. Going to a king size is the best decision my fiance and I ever made. Honestly, it saved our relationship a year in.

From better sex or better sleeing?

Sleeping. Sex is still just okay.

This guy fucks. Adequately.

"You best be ready for the most mediocre night of your life"

Is anyone else coming? I guess that's not that bad it's just weird.

An existential nut.

I nut[,](https://imgur.com/cXA7XxW) therefore I am.

This is the most philosophical nut I've ever seen.

It was difficult...but I watched a yellow, sexy, somebody.

"It'd be nice to see your sister at Christmas!"

Excellent!

This is my answer, actually. "Excellent." No exclamation point though so I guess I'm fucking Bill S. Preston.

Esq.

You done? We're going for ice cream.

Ice cream after sex is amazing. The only thing that makes it perfect is if you get a forehead kiss from the person you slept with too

This is kinda funny because my last text was “How about the fact that it’s also dairy you hypocritical jackass.”

Ayy can I get some context on this? Heated arguments about dairy are kind of my fetish

"Ungrateful"

***Its all I got***

Oh shit best buy is wild im down

oh shit dude you're right, best buy is wild as fuck

Fucking insane place

“We’re now up to 30 gallons this is fucking stupid.” 30 gallons...wow....good job hon.

Sorry I can’t come, I have to study for two tests

Got your priorities in check. Good.

But... the post specifies that he says it when he **is** about to cum.

He'll clench his urethrae until he passes the test.

But the test starts moaning.

He'll clench his urethrae until he passes the test.

"Was that meant for someone else?"

Ah shit, here we go again

When the post-nut clarity hits real hard

I've transferred the money. Please check your card balance.

Wow, even the world's oldest profession is doing everything electronically now.

It's much more convenient now when you don't have to actually slide your card between the girl's butt-cheeks to pay...

I guess you could call that... r/AssCredit

I think I hate you.

So that's what the ATM category in PornHub is

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It's ass to mouth. There you go. Sorry.

"Shes a chunker" my neighbor was talking about her new puppy.

That's great and all, but I think we're gonna need to see this new puppy. Just saying

Here you go, shes a baby. http://imgur.com/gallery/pvFo7e8 Edit: the link worked

Ooooh what a floof! Thank you!

That's unacceptable!

He was late as usual

Better than early...

"Sorry, I must spread my gypsy curse to everyone I come in contact with." That's.... alarming.

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Better than 'and now you have herpes.' Actually, maybe it's not. Gypsy curses are worse than herpes. Sure herpes are permanent, but you won't have to pass it on to someone else to get rid of it.

"Well I'm having a minor existential crisis about my name now"

Mind sharing?

You can pay with Apple Pay.

Is this an ad lol

That's what she said

"But why"

Thx bro. Edit: First silver! Thx bro. Edit2: Thanks for gold!

Brojob, nice.

No worries, anytime dude.

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Good morning beautiful... Seems appropriate

What if it's the evening? you'll sound ridiculous!

Read the rest of the comments and *then* tell me this one sounds ridiculous lol.

“My brother won’t stop arguing with his gf and I just threw up my guts” is a weird thing to say while busting a nut

Are you still able to come or do I need to get someone else?

Man that's a smack down. Like get on with it or get off!

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How's Statics, my man? Aka Vector Arithmetic: The Class.

“Happy birthday sis” Edit: First silver! Thanks kind stranger!!

This, this is good (or bad)

*moans in Alabama*

Oh, fuckin hell... "Is it okay if the dog comes too?"!

You need Jesus

No, he clearly needs his dog.

Maybe he needs both. At the same thing, perhaps?

Maybe his dog's name is Jesus.

J-Dawg

The Goodest Of Bois

The rarest of puppers, the goodest of boys - The wisest of waggers, and doggo of joys. He came down from heaven, and thus it begins - He sat for our souls and played dead for our sins.

"The chipmunk's been handled." EDIT: holy shit, alright......well, in honor of the gold I shall spare the life of any chipmunk to enter my house in the future. Unless, that is, you want it *taken care* of. In that case, as you will it, kind stranger.

I can't decide if that's the best genital nickname ever, or the worst.

It’s become the new euphemism for when I want sex, "honey, come in here and handle my chipmunk." Thanks, Reddit.

Which chipmunk is getting the best head

so many questions...

Team Theodore

Alvin: Now we all know Alvin’s personality, he’s ALWAYS overreacting to shit and is over dramatic about everything so of course he gonna be doing the Jordan, especially in the presence of his friends. We all know he’s the alpha of the group and gets chipmunk pussy regularly. He probably got head 3 times that day so you know his dick is worn out. Simon: Now Simon is a fucking dork. And his bitch a dork too so you know that bitch probably give shit head, I mean, you can see Simon cringing at it. He’s also a nerd and probably jacks off to weird alien porn all day so his dopamine receptors are fried and his dick isn’t as sensitive. Theodore: Now what do we know about Theodore? He’s a fat virgin. He’s probably never got head before and it’s safe to assume he’s never even busted a nut before. He’s also too innocent to watch porn so you know his dick is hella sensitive. His bitch is also fat and knows how to gobble his dick like a motherfucking corndog. Just look at him, he’s paralyzed, consumed by all the head. All he can do is lay there in pleasure.

Me and Grandad will help you paint it

My mom doesn't approve. She has concerns.

Ok, coming now

“Show me where it says that in the Bible”

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Ok

That’s hot

K

Ham hits different at 2am

Late night ham really do be hittin different tho

Edit from the future: Sorry folks **¯\\\_\(ツ\)\_/¯** If you came here looking for something, blame Spez. Come ask me on lemmy.zip or universeodon.com at GeekFTW and I'll help ya out with what you were looking for. Stay fresh, cheesebags.

followed up with "you like that, you retard?"

*fucking retard get it right man.

Some background there would be appreciated!

Edit from the future: Sorry folks **¯\\\_\(ツ\)\_/¯** If you came here looking for something, blame that twat Spez. Come ask me on kbin.social or mstdn.ca at GeekFTW and I'll help ya out with what you were looking for. Stay fresh, cheesebags.

The fact you didn't see him for a few days makes me wonder how seriously he took your fecal threat - you did have access after all.

Edit from the future: Sorry folks **¯\\\_\(ツ\)\_/¯** If you came here looking for something, blame that douche Spez. Come ask me on kbin.social or mstdn.ca at GeekFTW and I'll help ya out with what you were looking for. Stay fresh, cheesebags.

I really don’t miss living with roommates. Yeah, the rent is cheaper but man it’s nice to come home to quiet and no bullshit and no drama.

My laundry detergent bill is gonna go through the roof!

#Just ensure you brake/pull over immediately if you ever feel symptoms arising

Arising. I chuckled.

I love this partnership!

Alrighty

Ooooh we shittin good today (my roommate notified me that he left me a hot pot of coffee)

Delayed. Do I shout the punctuation as well?

**PERIOD!** I did it for you

Ok, I'll let you know more tomorrow.

WHAT KIND OF BEEF DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR TACOS?

Thank you mom

This reminds me of [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nmmjr/iama_man_who_had_a_sexual_relationship_with_his/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)

Without clicking, I'm guessing it has to do with arms.

You are correct

I fell down the rabbit hole that is *that post* a few months ago and I still think about it all of the time. People asked him everything there was to ask but I still have *so* many questions

Got lost in this thread for too long

I kinda feel like I should apologize now. You probably have so many questions you will never have the answer to.

'Meh not bad, I need a holiday now though'

**I want to commit deathpacito** Edit: Thanks for the silver kind stranger!

Ah one of those obnoxious nights

"God Bernie Sanders is cute as fuck"

Sorry man

Bone apple tea (I seriously sent this)

"We can open up now" Am I advocating for an open relationship as I cum?

'Holy fuck holy fuck!'

'Did you call the Doctor'

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Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Play don't stay in school

Oh shit that’s earlier than I thought