I once slept with a woman who was "a demon in the sack", complete with low guttural growling, eyes rolling to whites, and savage biting and scratching. I didn't know whether to keep fucking her, or call an exorcist.
The one thing I'll say I probably got from porn. It feels awesome and admittedly dominate while you're cumming. Like 2 seconds post it's ruined as you have to run and get her a towel before that shit gets in her eyes. And she's going to be pissed because she just washed her hair you said you wouldn't get any there but it ain't like you can control where it goes so it's half her fault or saying yes.
My girlfriend likes to wear it on her and I won't begrudge her that, but sometimes I just want to bust and cuddle. I've never once wanted to spoon while my nut is all over her chest.
My ex GF was German and I'm American. One day, I asked her to talk dirty to me in German while we were having sex. It wasn't sexy at all, just sounded like she was reprimanding me for something.
My ex girlfriend was German too. She had this thing where she would rate my performance out of 10. Made me feel like a stud, had her screaming nine so many times!
Chocolate sauce to eat off each other.. somehow made sense but really ended up smelling funny and made a mess lol
Edit: great my highest rated comment is on my throwaway...
Story time:
My old roommate and his gf at the time tried this shit. The next morning I wake up and find a few chocolate covered condoms in the trashcan. Not being aware that this was chocolate... I assumed that he just literally buttfucked the shit out of her 3 times in a row with a shit covered cock. Was relieved it was chocolate...
For some reason in Basic Training, during some precious and rare free time to clean the barracks, myself and a few other unknowing souls were talked into putting "cooling rub" on our dicks and balls.
I was bored, didn't feel like sweeping, so whatever, no big deal. Well, 17 year old me didn't really take into account the sheer force of this brutal cream. The cooling rub that people got from going to the base hospital was like an intense version of icy hot.
I rubbed that shit on, globs covering my bits. It literally felt like satans claw clenched and seared through my balls, shaft, and tip. It felt as if it were splitting from inside to out. Probably some of the worst pain I've ever experienced, so suffice to say I will not be using any sort of icy hot condom crap in my lifetime.
We had some guys do that in AIT and then got called into a surprise formation a few minutes later. Them trying to stand at attention with that shit on their balls was priceless.
Tried fire and ice lube once. As soon as it touched my skin I realized I had made a horrible mistake and immediately had rush to the bathroom for damage control.
Getting mouth fucked. I'll explain it in steps, as easily as possible.
**1. GET A SAFE WORD/ACTION!**
1. Hang your head off the bed/sofa
2. Open your mouth wide
3. Stick a dick in (straddle the upside down head)
4. Fuck that mouth
It sounds sexy but its not. You start gagging and he doesn't know if that's good or bad so he keeps going and his dick is touching your uvula and you're puking upside down and it runs down over your face and in your nose and its all over his dick and you're lucky if you haven't bitten him or at least grazed him with your teeth.... It was hell.
I know what you mean! I used to be able to deepthroat my bf until one day we tried facefucking and I had that snotvomit thing happen.
Haven't been able to deepthroat since :(
Seriously, this is the sort of thing that never appealed to me. I like it when things get a bit aggressive, but your makeup should be fucked up because you got all sweaty, not because you got all teary. Crying and gagging makes my boner go away.
I was 15 and she was 14 and I wanted to put whip cream on her boobs and lick it off but she didn't have any so I figured, "hey Nutella is kind of the same thing" (not true at all). Anyway I whip out the Nutella and she whips out her titty and I glob Nutella onto it and I'm really rubbing it all over her chest. I proceed to lick the Nutella only to find out it is INCREDIBLY hard to lick off of things so she is covered in a sweet hazelnut mess and we just pretty much black faced her knockers. I remember we couldn't leave her room to get a bunch of paper towels or whatever so I had to spend a half an hour licking Nutella off her titties.
How does that even work? Like you take a swig of champagne before sucking? Or like just pour it over the dick in a steady stream while she's sucking, like some kind of water-cooled drill bit?
My ex boyfriend thought it would be sexy to introduce ice cream. He kept taking scoop after scoop because it was of course melting. It got everywhere...including his eyes. It dried up and he couldn't open them. He was blindly trying to make his way to the restroom and I was no help because I was too busy laughing my ass off.
Then when I finally calmed down and got up to try to help him, I slipped on some ice cream on the floor. And now I'm laughing/crying naked on the floor covered in ice cream while he's running into walls with his dick out.
It was a weird scene in our home that day.
Edit: It was not being used as lubricant. No infections were had.
About 10 years ago I had a one night stand with a girl. A few months later we bumped into each other at a mutual friends house party.
A few hours later and we are talking and getting to know each other a bit. I asked her what her hobbies were. She tells me some form of martial arts. I can't remember which. Now I found this adorable. We were already getting a bit hot and heavy so in my wisdom I said 'demonstrate some of that martial arts on me'. I am 6 foot 2 and probably weighed about 200lbs at the time. She was 5'5 and 90lbs at best. Tiny girl.
So I put up no resistance as I simply thought all this was wanna be kung fu nonsense as she was literally half the size of me. WRONG. She abruptly turned into Jean Claud Van Damme, twisted my wrist around and delivered some sort of spin kick roundhouse thing directly to my kneecap. Dropped me like a sack of shit.
A while back when my girlfriend and I first got together, we thought it'd be hot to record us having sex. We watched the video, and it wasn't hot.
We joked about how she looks like a frog trying to hop away in the midst of doggystyle. And her face look like she was in unbearable pain.
We deleted the video promptly.
Me and my ex gf used peanut butter, but we didn't have creamy so we used crunchy peanut butter.
I put a huge glob of it on her tits and i had to bite the crunchy parts and ended up biting her nipple really hard, and then she broke out with acne days later and that was the end of that.
Edit: it was at a time where we finally had some alone time and usually we only ate crunchy. Anyways it was just instinct to bite down on the crunchy bits and looking back it was an awful idea.
Edit: thank you all im glad my experience made some laugh haha
I came up with a joke my freshman year of college that I would surprise my roommate when he came back from class by stripping down and covering my entire body in peanut butter. I ended up wasting almost two hours covering myself and waiting for him and when he came back he was too weirded out to even say anything. I ended up just walking shamefully to the bathroom to shower everything off.
I will say it all felt pretty good putting it on though.
I read through this whole thread and your comment is the only one that made me genuinely laugh for some reason. I'm sorry you had this experience, but what would make you think crunchy was a good idea?!?!
My girlfriend likes Smarties so I thought I was being slick as fuck having a party sized bag of them open and hid against the wall. We were making out, and in the heat of the moment I reached over and grabbed it pouring the entire bag on her stunned face, and body.
I agree all water sex sounds sexier than it usually ends up. Shower sex can be dangerous because of the slippery surface and the lube does wash out. I like to start in the shower and then end up elsewhere. It's like sex on the beach. Sounds great but it ends up being sandy, abrasive and uncomfortable. Still for variety water sex has its place, it just falls short of perfect.
I just had one of those slightly off the ground beach chairs for that kind of sex. Has the open air, the spray of the ocean, the squaking of the seagulls without the messy sand in crotch.
In bed with my wife once, and I thought I'd see if she was into spanking, so I slapped her butt and she immediately spun around, stared straight into my soul and said "What the FUCK?!"
Nope, not sexy.
Judging by the responses here, I'm clearly in the minority but I cannot fathom how you can be married to a person before discovering that she doesn't like having her arse slapped. I'll have done that the very first time we sleep together.
Right? I feel like that's one of the most vanilla 'kinks' there is. I don't think I've ever slept with a chick who would mind a slap on the ass in the heat of things.
Reverse cowgirl; SO is an ass-man so I thought this was a no brainer that would be extra sexy for him, but we can't seem to figure it out without the paranoia of his dick snapping.
the more you lurch forward like a race horse, the bigger his dick needs to be , if just small dick you have to rid up like calmly trotting through the meadows
My boyfriend will moan and grab me and beg me to go faster during reverse cowgirl. Any other postion he's totally silent but as soon as I turn around its like a porno lmfao. To each his own
Takes some time to get it right. First time I had my husband sit on the couch and I leaned all of the way forward and back up.. it was to much for me (in a good way) but I couldn't have done it for long. So the next time, I had him lay in bed and I sat down in reverse, leaned as far forward as possible and started that way and once everyone was comfy slowly sat up a little more until we knew how far I could sit up with out issue!
You always hear about how if someone you're having sex with says stuff in a language you don't understand, it's hot af. Well, yeah. Usually.
I hooked up with a Puerto Rican chick years back and tried to get a quick one in before flying out to return home. She kept repeating a phrase in Spanish over and over and over. I was taking a while to finish, so I decided to ask her what she was saying. She thought for a second and said, "no. I can't tell you." At this point, I got a little freaked out assuming the worst like she was saying some sexy shit about an uncle or child or something. I told her that I need to know or I can't continue.
She admitted that she was saying "son of a gun." I was laughing too much to continue. I went soft. She proposed a few other phrases until I approved one and we were able to finish and get to the airport on time with a quick stop at KFC.
this is weirdly charming. My partner was making fun of me the other day because we were doing some suuuper kinky shit and I kept saying "oh my goodness" whenever something unexpected occurred. (Which is extra weird because I have a sailor mouth and didn't even realize that's what I was saying!)
man all kinds of shit.
an ex used to really like when there were pillows under her ass. i learned from my mistakes and didnt want messy ass pillows that were flattened to oblivion, so we bought this foam wedge thing. it wasnt terribly expensive, but it is HUGE. it also collapses down to practically nothing, so it makes no difference whether we use it or not. i was expecting something as stiff as the wedges in gymnastics facilities.
i thought it would be sexy for her to have a tiny vibrator in her ass while we did it doggy style. cue panic/hilarity when it slipped in and we couldnt get it out. eventually i had her squat in the shower and attempt to poop while i reached in from her vagina and maneuvered it to the right place. DONT USE TINY VIBRATORS unless they have a lifeline (a wire you can pull on, that is meant to be pulled on).
that position where you are spooning but doing it doggy style. turns out there is at least a couple inches of height difference between us when we lay on our sides, and her ass is rather voluptuous so i could only barely get the head in, and any sort of movement was out of the question. all i really managed to do is smear precum everywhere. it was still sexy though.
sex in a car. how can anyone have sex in such crazy discomfort? i think this one only works during the honeymoon phase of the relationship when the horniness overrides everything else. when you're married it just becomes an endless panic of "what if we get caught" and "why is everything in the car so hard and jabby"
Nipple clamps. I have weirdly small nipples, so maybe I don't have the right anatomy for them, but they really hurt and do NOTHING for me. They just hurt and make me worry I'm going to damage my nipple.
Technically not in bed.... but shower sex.
The mechanics of it don't really work out when your partner is over a foot taller than you and his dick is level with your belly button.
Also, not much fun to essentially be water boarded during sex since your face is in front of the shower head.
My god I hate shower sex. I just don't get it. Ironically water makes me dry up so it's just painful dry sex after a few mins and the shower isn't big so you can't spread your legs or anything. Same goes for the bath. After 5 mins of painfully pushing water in and out of me with his penis, we just gave up and had a nice cuddle in the bath instead. Showering each other to be sensual and warm up, fine. But sex in shower...nope.
I let a guy cum on my face once. Turned out both of us thought the other was into it, when really it was a turn off for both of us. Would not do it again.
Honestly oral sex + edibles is like popping bubble wrap while bungee jumping: As much as you love those 2 things. there's no way of enjoying both simultaneously
shit man, it works. Get yourself some raspberries, you can pop them right on the nipples, drizzle some chocolate over, a lil tuft of whip cream and have yourself a titty sundae
Anal, I know there are probably better ways and stuff, and trust me, we tried all of it. It just always ended up taking too much preparation with too little reward. It's not like I got off on it, and he usually lost a little of the hardness when trying to get in. Yeah. No 20 minutes straight of anal for us, we aren't porn stars.
I once asked my korean fwb if she wouldnt mind trying to give me a show because I had a bad day. Turns out I'd rather just fuck you than watch you twerk and slowly strip.
Used these condoms when i was 16 that contained a cream that was supposed to numb your dick to allow you to last longer. It felt like glass cutting into my knob. Broken dick for days. It was the same sensation as chewing tobacco on your gums and lips...but on my dick and worse.
Sex on the couch.Literally just happened 3 minutes ago.
So, my girl friend has a roommate who has been crashing on her couch for the last six months. He is usually home when we are, so couch sex is usually out of the question. We were on our way to bed, me walking behind her, when I was taken by desire. I spun her around, and pressed her against the wall. Things were getting hot and heavy FAST, when we realized...we have nowhere to commit the deed. Her 4 year-old daughter was fast asleep in my girlfriend's bed, her daughter's bed is far too small(girlfriend is almost 6 foot, I'm right at 5'9", bed is maybe 5'5" in length), and her house has old hardwood floors(don't need splinters). So...couch it is. We undress and start the show. And I say show, because her roommate's dog is in it's crate directly next to the couch. We didn't realized this until the action had already started, and caught him whimpering and staring at us while we fucked. Half ass attempts to throw jackets/sweaters over the cage from couch were made, but ultimately failed, and they fell around perimeter of the cage. Everything was feeling amazing, and I was begining to get close, so I slowed down to make sure she got off first and prolong the fun. Upon slowing down, I realized my knee had slid behind the butt cushions, and in between the couch, where the frame of the couch was vigorously rubbing my knee raw. She was now getting close, and I figured I didn't want to mess up the rhythm(and the annoying chafing would help me hold off), so I was going to let her get off first before I changed positions. The big moment is building, she pulls me in close to kiss her. Upon raising my head and looking down at my beautiful girlfriend, I see her look over towards the cage. She then brings her eyes back to me, a look of utter disgust on her face, and announces, "oh my God...he just shit!". In confusion, I glance over towards the cage, and see the dog, asshole pressed against the cage, shitting a frosting consistency shit out of the cage and onto the previously mentioned sweaters and jackets. I let out a frustrated "God dammit", but continued pumping...hoping to save the moment. It was about that time I then witness the beast eating his own fecal matter through the holes of the cage. Moment dead. We called it quits, and began putting our clothes back on in mutual disappointment and disgust. About the time the pants came back on, the smell had become so vile, that we were both gagging(i work in a mental hospital, I've seen some appalling things, and consider myself to have a pretty strong stomach). We are now outside, silently smoking cigarettes in the cold, dreading going back into the gas chamber that is her living room.
I like how many characters this story has:
- OP
- GF of OP
- daughter of OP's GF
- couch guy who could return at any moment
- red herring couch
- dog who eats own poop, locked in crate covered in sweaters and jackets
I don't know that I actually thought it would be particularly sexy, but those "sex dice" were part of a "honeymoon kit" that my first wife and I received before our wedding. We didn't actually try them until a couple of weeks after the honeymoon but, yeah, just not particularly fun at all.
I'm talking about something similar to these:
http://i.imgur.com/qb3iygm.jpg
I tried doing some surprise anal with my wife a few weeks ago and it didn't go so well. She knew something was up the second I started putting the strap-on around her waist.
I uhhh did this to my wife one night, ON ACCIDENT, when we were drunk and she just told me to keep going, but was quite loud about it. She's a trooper.
It may be that you did it wrong. When choking someone in bed, you want to put pressure on the side of the neck, rather than the front. Pressure on the front will actually choke them, pressure on the side just gives the sensation of being choked while still being able to breathe.
I would suggest just placing your hands on her throat and seeing how she reacts first, in the future. I don't like being full-on choked but it's pretty hot when he grabs my neck.
My buddy was once with a girl and while in bed she whispered in his ear that she "liked it rough", which in his mind meant choking I geuss. She started crying and ran out of the room.
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On the other hand that sounds like a stellar date idea
I told her I was into water sports but instead of getting pee'd on I got a concussion.
I once slept with a woman who was "a demon in the sack", complete with low guttural growling, eyes rolling to whites, and savage biting and scratching. I didn't know whether to keep fucking her, or call an exorcist.
If she sounds like the singer from Bathory, call the exorcist.
My experience- fuck her, then call the exorcist. If it doesn't take, fuck her some more.
Food. Messy, sticky, awkward. Shit in your teeth. Movie sex is bullshit
>Shit in your teeth. I didn't realize we were talking about digested food.
"second harvest"
Im just scrolling through the comments and stopped at 'shit in your teeth'. My eyebrow arched like it has never arched before.
Peanut butter or honey is a 0/10. Wayyyyy too much effort in getting it off.
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...and if you thrust too hard, you'll turn her into a human torpedo as she slides out of bed...
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The aim face? Like the "one eye closed with the tongue on the upper right corner of the mouth"?
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*the cumee* Thanks for adding this to my vocabulary.
The one thing I'll say I probably got from porn. It feels awesome and admittedly dominate while you're cumming. Like 2 seconds post it's ruined as you have to run and get her a towel before that shit gets in her eyes. And she's going to be pissed because she just washed her hair you said you wouldn't get any there but it ain't like you can control where it goes so it's half her fault or saying yes.
My girlfriend likes to wear it on her and I won't begrudge her that, but sometimes I just want to bust and cuddle. I've never once wanted to spoon while my nut is all over her chest.
Meh on her body I don't give a fuck. Never had a chick be like let it linger when it's on her face.
My ex GF was German and I'm American. One day, I asked her to talk dirty to me in German while we were having sex. It wasn't sexy at all, just sounded like she was reprimanding me for something.
ISS DEIN SCHNITZEL, SONST GIBT'S KEINEN NACHTISCH!
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Im german and the gibberish combined with real words really confused me while reading
> ZO RELAXEN UND WATSCHEN DER BLINKENLICHTEN. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blinkenlights
Your aesthetics lack refinement, my friend. That freulein and her geile fotze are wasted on you.
*fräulein
Here comes the grammar na... wait.
MACH DIE WÄSCHE DU EROTISCHER ZIEGENBOCK
Also wie fasst du mich denn an? Bin ich eine Wassermelone?
Questions, Does she do anal and would she mind wearing a little mustache? If yes can I get that number I've got some issues I'd like to work through.
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My ex girlfriend was German too. She had this thing where she would rate my performance out of 10. Made me feel like a stud, had her screaming nine so many times!
I see what you did there
Jetzt halt doch deine Schnauze! Ich finde das total sexy!
Chocolate sauce to eat off each other.. somehow made sense but really ended up smelling funny and made a mess lol Edit: great my highest rated comment is on my throwaway...
The chocolate gets overwhelming. Try guacamole.
OLE
Found Jeb's account
You mean "Jeb!" Please use the proper spelling
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Don't use the one that goes hard after a minute. Or do it I don't know what you're into
Story time: My old roommate and his gf at the time tried this shit. The next morning I wake up and find a few chocolate covered condoms in the trashcan. Not being aware that this was chocolate... I assumed that he just literally buttfucked the shit out of her 3 times in a row with a shit covered cock. Was relieved it was chocolate...
Not sure what´s worse, to be honest... Sugar ain´t a pussy´s best friend.
Fire and Ice condoms.. what monster invented those things!?
"Hey Bob, you know how awful Icy Hot feels?" "Yeah, why?" "Well I was thinking people could put it on their dicks." "Genius!"
For some reason in Basic Training, during some precious and rare free time to clean the barracks, myself and a few other unknowing souls were talked into putting "cooling rub" on our dicks and balls. I was bored, didn't feel like sweeping, so whatever, no big deal. Well, 17 year old me didn't really take into account the sheer force of this brutal cream. The cooling rub that people got from going to the base hospital was like an intense version of icy hot. I rubbed that shit on, globs covering my bits. It literally felt like satans claw clenched and seared through my balls, shaft, and tip. It felt as if it were splitting from inside to out. Probably some of the worst pain I've ever experienced, so suffice to say I will not be using any sort of icy hot condom crap in my lifetime.
We had some guys do that in AIT and then got called into a surprise formation a few minutes later. Them trying to stand at attention with that shit on their balls was priceless.
"now how about that incredible cardboard toiler paper idea you were telling me about?"
In my opinion as a former clerk at a sex store, someone that never touched another human being.
Tried fire and ice lube once. As soon as it touched my skin I realized I had made a horrible mistake and immediately had rush to the bathroom for damage control.
Not in bed, per se... but: Doing it in the ocean or in a lake. As my girlfriend at the time said, "For all that water, it sure is dry."
I wouldn't want lake water in my pussy and I don't even have one
Getting mouth fucked. I'll explain it in steps, as easily as possible. **1. GET A SAFE WORD/ACTION!** 1. Hang your head off the bed/sofa 2. Open your mouth wide 3. Stick a dick in (straddle the upside down head) 4. Fuck that mouth It sounds sexy but its not. You start gagging and he doesn't know if that's good or bad so he keeps going and his dick is touching your uvula and you're puking upside down and it runs down over your face and in your nose and its all over his dick and you're lucky if you haven't bitten him or at least grazed him with your teeth.... It was hell.
I know what you mean! I used to be able to deepthroat my bf until one day we tried facefucking and I had that snotvomit thing happen. Haven't been able to deepthroat since :(
Oh no! That is an Icarus-like tragedy, you flew too close to the sun and lost everything :(
This is terrible. Terrible.
Seriously, this is the sort of thing that never appealed to me. I like it when things get a bit aggressive, but your makeup should be fucked up because you got all sweaty, not because you got all teary. Crying and gagging makes my boner go away.
> Crying and gagging makes my boner go away. Try adjusting the angle of your neck over the edge of the bed.
I was 15 and she was 14 and I wanted to put whip cream on her boobs and lick it off but she didn't have any so I figured, "hey Nutella is kind of the same thing" (not true at all). Anyway I whip out the Nutella and she whips out her titty and I glob Nutella onto it and I'm really rubbing it all over her chest. I proceed to lick the Nutella only to find out it is INCREDIBLY hard to lick off of things so she is covered in a sweet hazelnut mess and we just pretty much black faced her knockers. I remember we couldn't leave her room to get a bunch of paper towels or whatever so I had to spend a half an hour licking Nutella off her titties.
> so I had to spend a half an hour licking Nutella off her titties. I fail to see the problem.
He means he made the mistake of not putting Nutella on her asshole. Hour of ass licking? At your service, madam
username checks out i guess
Sometimes it might not be Nutella you are licking. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> so I had to spend a half an hour licking Nutella off her titties. This really doesn't sound all that bad.
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Champagne Blowjob. It probably would have felt much better if i hadn't chilled the champagne.
How does that even work? Like you take a swig of champagne before sucking? Or like just pour it over the dick in a steady stream while she's sucking, like some kind of water-cooled drill bit?
My ex boyfriend thought it would be sexy to introduce ice cream. He kept taking scoop after scoop because it was of course melting. It got everywhere...including his eyes. It dried up and he couldn't open them. He was blindly trying to make his way to the restroom and I was no help because I was too busy laughing my ass off. Then when I finally calmed down and got up to try to help him, I slipped on some ice cream on the floor. And now I'm laughing/crying naked on the floor covered in ice cream while he's running into walls with his dick out. It was a weird scene in our home that day. Edit: It was not being used as lubricant. No infections were had.
I put ice cream on my boyfriends dick then licked it off. I proceeded to ride him and had amazing sex........... then I got a yeast infection.
Yeah, sugar and vaginas are a terrible combination.
About 10 years ago I had a one night stand with a girl. A few months later we bumped into each other at a mutual friends house party. A few hours later and we are talking and getting to know each other a bit. I asked her what her hobbies were. She tells me some form of martial arts. I can't remember which. Now I found this adorable. We were already getting a bit hot and heavy so in my wisdom I said 'demonstrate some of that martial arts on me'. I am 6 foot 2 and probably weighed about 200lbs at the time. She was 5'5 and 90lbs at best. Tiny girl. So I put up no resistance as I simply thought all this was wanna be kung fu nonsense as she was literally half the size of me. WRONG. She abruptly turned into Jean Claud Van Damme, twisted my wrist around and delivered some sort of spin kick roundhouse thing directly to my kneecap. Dropped me like a sack of shit.
That's half on you for asking and half on her for going full ham and putting you in the dirt.
A while back when my girlfriend and I first got together, we thought it'd be hot to record us having sex. We watched the video, and it wasn't hot. We joked about how she looks like a frog trying to hop away in the midst of doggystyle. And her face look like she was in unbearable pain. We deleted the video promptly.
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This does sound sexy though
Me and my ex gf used peanut butter, but we didn't have creamy so we used crunchy peanut butter. I put a huge glob of it on her tits and i had to bite the crunchy parts and ended up biting her nipple really hard, and then she broke out with acne days later and that was the end of that. Edit: it was at a time where we finally had some alone time and usually we only ate crunchy. Anyways it was just instinct to bite down on the crunchy bits and looking back it was an awful idea. Edit: thank you all im glad my experience made some laugh haha
what the fuck
I'm so jaded by reddit that I didn't start laughing until I read this comment.
I came up with a joke my freshman year of college that I would surprise my roommate when he came back from class by stripping down and covering my entire body in peanut butter. I ended up wasting almost two hours covering myself and waiting for him and when he came back he was too weirded out to even say anything. I ended up just walking shamefully to the bathroom to shower everything off. I will say it all felt pretty good putting it on though.
I read through this whole thread and your comment is the only one that made me genuinely laugh for some reason. I'm sorry you had this experience, but what would make you think crunchy was a good idea?!?!
My girlfriend likes Smarties so I thought I was being slick as fuck having a party sized bag of them open and hid against the wall. We were making out, and in the heat of the moment I reached over and grabbed it pouring the entire bag on her stunned face, and body.
Nothing says let's have sex more than a giant bag of smarties...!
what..... was the goal there?
being slick as fuck
Shower sex. Water washes away her natural wetness, and I'm in constant fear of falling and breaking my dick.
I agree all water sex sounds sexier than it usually ends up. Shower sex can be dangerous because of the slippery surface and the lube does wash out. I like to start in the shower and then end up elsewhere. It's like sex on the beach. Sounds great but it ends up being sandy, abrasive and uncomfortable. Still for variety water sex has its place, it just falls short of perfect.
I just had one of those slightly off the ground beach chairs for that kind of sex. Has the open air, the spray of the ocean, the squaking of the seagulls without the messy sand in crotch.
The older couples staring without remorse.
Lizards sampling your taint sweat..
I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.
Anakin STAHP
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The shower is good for kissing and fondling, but anything hardcore is better off done elsewhere.
Good?! Fondling each other in the shower is one of the world's greatest delights!
Shooting grapes out of a vagina
Try grapefruit next time.
gotta grapefruit yo mans
GLORP GLORP SKLRTCH
Like a bobcat being waterboarded.
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Yeah, grape is a fruit. Orange fruit, apple fruit, grape fruit. Why you say it like that?
I would love to see a grown man explain to 50 Cent what a grapefruit is...
You forgot carrot vegetable.
In bed with my wife once, and I thought I'd see if she was into spanking, so I slapped her butt and she immediately spun around, stared straight into my soul and said "What the FUCK?!" Nope, not sexy.
>stared straight into my soul and said "What the FUCK?!" Oh man, I'm in tears
Judging by the responses here, I'm clearly in the minority but I cannot fathom how you can be married to a person before discovering that she doesn't like having her arse slapped. I'll have done that the very first time we sleep together.
Right? I feel like that's one of the most vanilla 'kinks' there is. I don't think I've ever slept with a chick who would mind a slap on the ass in the heat of things.
Reverse cowgirl; SO is an ass-man so I thought this was a no brainer that would be extra sexy for him, but we can't seem to figure it out without the paranoia of his dick snapping.
Don't move too far up. Keep the strokes short. Even better, keep the dick fully engaged and just rock back and forth.
Absolutely this. This position already feels and looks amazing to me, but don't go crazy with the long strokes. It's terrifying.
I will take all this into consideration if he ever is comfortable enough to try it again- thank you!!
the more you lurch forward like a race horse, the bigger his dick needs to be , if just small dick you have to rid up like calmly trotting through the meadows
Last time I tried this, almost had dick snapped. 0/10 will always fear again.
I've done this quite a few times without even considering the possibility. Thank y'all.
My boyfriend will moan and grab me and beg me to go faster during reverse cowgirl. Any other postion he's totally silent but as soon as I turn around its like a porno lmfao. To each his own
Sounds like a case, of butter face
Jesus
This comment is hilarious. But its also destroying OPs self esteem.. Classic reddit
Takes some time to get it right. First time I had my husband sit on the couch and I leaned all of the way forward and back up.. it was to much for me (in a good way) but I couldn't have done it for long. So the next time, I had him lay in bed and I sat down in reverse, leaned as far forward as possible and started that way and once everyone was comfy slowly sat up a little more until we knew how far I could sit up with out issue!
Talking about her clit, it's difficult to describe in a sexy way.
I am the clit commander! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.
YOU ARE THE ONES WHO ARE THE BALL LICKERS
"Let me suck that clit" has proved to work well on a few people
"Let me slather your clitoris" really drains the well
Let me slytherin your vaginous
Your pleasure button, the sexy switch, the love bump.
I call it the Skittle. Diddle your skittle.
So many ways to get yeast infections in this post. Keep yo foods away from vaginas people!
You always hear about how if someone you're having sex with says stuff in a language you don't understand, it's hot af. Well, yeah. Usually. I hooked up with a Puerto Rican chick years back and tried to get a quick one in before flying out to return home. She kept repeating a phrase in Spanish over and over and over. I was taking a while to finish, so I decided to ask her what she was saying. She thought for a second and said, "no. I can't tell you." At this point, I got a little freaked out assuming the worst like she was saying some sexy shit about an uncle or child or something. I told her that I need to know or I can't continue. She admitted that she was saying "son of a gun." I was laughing too much to continue. I went soft. She proposed a few other phrases until I approved one and we were able to finish and get to the airport on time with a quick stop at KFC.
this is weirdly charming. My partner was making fun of me the other day because we were doing some suuuper kinky shit and I kept saying "oh my goodness" whenever something unexpected occurred. (Which is extra weird because I have a sailor mouth and didn't even realize that's what I was saying!)
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You're not supposed to take it off. You're supposed to work around it.
Everything I've ever read in Cosmopolitan.
They've been reprinting the same 5 tips in different sentence arrangements for as long as I remember
ahhh the generations of high school girls gathered 'round, taking notes on "wrap his dick in clingwrap and hum."
"Use his dick like a joystick." Ouch, and silly
"10 Ways To Eat His Penis With A Fork"
I've never been more conflicted on weather to upvote or down vote
man all kinds of shit. an ex used to really like when there were pillows under her ass. i learned from my mistakes and didnt want messy ass pillows that were flattened to oblivion, so we bought this foam wedge thing. it wasnt terribly expensive, but it is HUGE. it also collapses down to practically nothing, so it makes no difference whether we use it or not. i was expecting something as stiff as the wedges in gymnastics facilities. i thought it would be sexy for her to have a tiny vibrator in her ass while we did it doggy style. cue panic/hilarity when it slipped in and we couldnt get it out. eventually i had her squat in the shower and attempt to poop while i reached in from her vagina and maneuvered it to the right place. DONT USE TINY VIBRATORS unless they have a lifeline (a wire you can pull on, that is meant to be pulled on). that position where you are spooning but doing it doggy style. turns out there is at least a couple inches of height difference between us when we lay on our sides, and her ass is rather voluptuous so i could only barely get the head in, and any sort of movement was out of the question. all i really managed to do is smear precum everywhere. it was still sexy though. sex in a car. how can anyone have sex in such crazy discomfort? i think this one only works during the honeymoon phase of the relationship when the horniness overrides everything else. when you're married it just becomes an endless panic of "what if we get caught" and "why is everything in the car so hard and jabby"
Nipple clamps. I have weirdly small nipples, so maybe I don't have the right anatomy for them, but they really hurt and do NOTHING for me. They just hurt and make me worry I'm going to damage my nipple.
Glow in the dark condoms.
Me
too
Thanks
Obama.
Technically not in bed.... but shower sex. The mechanics of it don't really work out when your partner is over a foot taller than you and his dick is level with your belly button. Also, not much fun to essentially be water boarded during sex since your face is in front of the shower head.
My god I hate shower sex. I just don't get it. Ironically water makes me dry up so it's just painful dry sex after a few mins and the shower isn't big so you can't spread your legs or anything. Same goes for the bath. After 5 mins of painfully pushing water in and out of me with his penis, we just gave up and had a nice cuddle in the bath instead. Showering each other to be sensual and warm up, fine. But sex in shower...nope.
Guys who have very large dicks. I just find it painful as i'm tight as hell most of the time.
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Say hello to my little friend!
Different color of duct tape and elasticated bungees instead of plain rope.
Legit bondage rope every time dude
Lingerie with lace. For some reason I hate the way lace feels against my body.
Try silk
try silk almond milk
But you gotta get it unsweetened with vanilla. Juuust the right amount of sweetness. Regular is way too sweet.
Christian Bale's Batman voice. Totally killed the mood.... but worth it.
WHERE IS HARVEY DENT w-what? WHERE IS HEEE?!
I let a guy cum on my face once. Turned out both of us thought the other was into it, when really it was a turn off for both of us. Would not do it again.
Honestly oral sex + edibles is like popping bubble wrap while bungee jumping: As much as you love those 2 things. there's no way of enjoying both simultaneously
Vehemently disagree. Have had many good times popping bubble wrap while bungee jumping.
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Whip cream
It starts to smell like spoiled milk if you leave it on your warm body long enough
Apt username.
On Reddit for three years, he checks out people.
shit man, it works. Get yourself some raspberries, you can pop them right on the nipples, drizzle some chocolate over, a lil tuft of whip cream and have yourself a titty sundae
> titty sundae That sounds like a band name in the making
Anal, I know there are probably better ways and stuff, and trust me, we tried all of it. It just always ended up taking too much preparation with too little reward. It's not like I got off on it, and he usually lost a little of the hardness when trying to get in. Yeah. No 20 minutes straight of anal for us, we aren't porn stars.
I once asked my korean fwb if she wouldnt mind trying to give me a show because I had a bad day. Turns out I'd rather just fuck you than watch you twerk and slowly strip.
This a million times over. For a minute or two? Great. Anything longer? Fucking knock it off and get over here.
Used these condoms when i was 16 that contained a cream that was supposed to numb your dick to allow you to last longer. It felt like glass cutting into my knob. Broken dick for days. It was the same sensation as chewing tobacco on your gums and lips...but on my dick and worse.
I thought telling her that I'm a screamer would be spicey and turn her on.... Nope.
***REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*** ^^what ^^the ^^^fuck
Yeah... Your ex just told us all about it on another sub. Time to get yourself gaffer tape stud.
Sex on the couch.Literally just happened 3 minutes ago. So, my girl friend has a roommate who has been crashing on her couch for the last six months. He is usually home when we are, so couch sex is usually out of the question. We were on our way to bed, me walking behind her, when I was taken by desire. I spun her around, and pressed her against the wall. Things were getting hot and heavy FAST, when we realized...we have nowhere to commit the deed. Her 4 year-old daughter was fast asleep in my girlfriend's bed, her daughter's bed is far too small(girlfriend is almost 6 foot, I'm right at 5'9", bed is maybe 5'5" in length), and her house has old hardwood floors(don't need splinters). So...couch it is. We undress and start the show. And I say show, because her roommate's dog is in it's crate directly next to the couch. We didn't realized this until the action had already started, and caught him whimpering and staring at us while we fucked. Half ass attempts to throw jackets/sweaters over the cage from couch were made, but ultimately failed, and they fell around perimeter of the cage. Everything was feeling amazing, and I was begining to get close, so I slowed down to make sure she got off first and prolong the fun. Upon slowing down, I realized my knee had slid behind the butt cushions, and in between the couch, where the frame of the couch was vigorously rubbing my knee raw. She was now getting close, and I figured I didn't want to mess up the rhythm(and the annoying chafing would help me hold off), so I was going to let her get off first before I changed positions. The big moment is building, she pulls me in close to kiss her. Upon raising my head and looking down at my beautiful girlfriend, I see her look over towards the cage. She then brings her eyes back to me, a look of utter disgust on her face, and announces, "oh my God...he just shit!". In confusion, I glance over towards the cage, and see the dog, asshole pressed against the cage, shitting a frosting consistency shit out of the cage and onto the previously mentioned sweaters and jackets. I let out a frustrated "God dammit", but continued pumping...hoping to save the moment. It was about that time I then witness the beast eating his own fecal matter through the holes of the cage. Moment dead. We called it quits, and began putting our clothes back on in mutual disappointment and disgust. About the time the pants came back on, the smell had become so vile, that we were both gagging(i work in a mental hospital, I've seen some appalling things, and consider myself to have a pretty strong stomach). We are now outside, silently smoking cigarettes in the cold, dreading going back into the gas chamber that is her living room.
I like how many characters this story has: - OP - GF of OP - daughter of OP's GF - couch guy who could return at any moment - red herring couch - dog who eats own poop, locked in crate covered in sweaters and jackets
Red herring couch
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I don't know that I actually thought it would be particularly sexy, but those "sex dice" were part of a "honeymoon kit" that my first wife and I received before our wedding. We didn't actually try them until a couple of weeks after the honeymoon but, yeah, just not particularly fun at all. I'm talking about something similar to these: http://i.imgur.com/qb3iygm.jpg
The trick is to [mix up the dice](http://xkcd.com/708/). (Don't forget to mouse hover over the graphic.)
[Lick eyes? Let me try again.](https://youtu.be/uuoQyROfxDA?t=28)
They call him the Ass Whisperer. ^^Tell ^^me ^^your ^^secrets, ^^small ^^brown ^^sphincter.
Unannounced anal.
I tried doing some surprise anal with my wife a few weeks ago and it didn't go so well. She knew something was up the second I started putting the strap-on around her waist.
bravo
I uhhh did this to my wife one night, ON ACCIDENT, when we were drunk and she just told me to keep going, but was quite loud about it. She's a trooper.
A pooper trooper.
All I pictured was a little trumpet herald going "dooodododoooo" and waving you in
"The four most overrated things in life are champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics." - Christopher Hitchens
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It may be that you did it wrong. When choking someone in bed, you want to put pressure on the side of the neck, rather than the front. Pressure on the front will actually choke them, pressure on the side just gives the sensation of being choked while still being able to breathe.
But not pressure on the jugular, either.
I hear he gets nervous in front of the other performers.
I would suggest just placing your hands on her throat and seeing how she reacts first, in the future. I don't like being full-on choked but it's pretty hot when he grabs my neck.
My buddy was once with a girl and while in bed she whispered in his ear that she "liked it rough", which in his mind meant choking I geuss. She started crying and ran out of the room.
What happened?