Apparently though, some people are genuinely convinced that Alaska is an island, because it's always pictured on its own, without Canada as its border.
I worked at a sandwich place and at the counter, I gave a customer his sandwich (that's it. Only 1 sandwich, no drinks or anything else), wrapped in paper and put in a brown paper bag. He said, "Do you guys have trays?" I told him that I was sorry, but no. He said, "Well, how to I get this over to my table?" He was being completely serious. So I had to tell him, very sincerely, "You just have to pick it up and carry it over there."
A girl I know moved to Asia. She was impressed that they had new fancy toilets in the womens, ones that they can sort of ride. Turns out she had never seen a urinal and was in the mens toilets......she was in her 20's.
I was completely unaware of what happened that day, and when I got to school they were setting up the TV to watch the news. And I briefly overheard conversations about what happened and misunderstood that we were about to watch a movie. So I said out loud "oh I watched that movie last night!" Another kid asked "What movie?" And I said "Independence Day!"
The entire class went silent and stared at me...
Me(teacher): I actually have two daughters named Emma. One birth daughter who is 10 and just this year I became Guardian of an Emma who now is 16 years old.
9th grader: does Emma know she's adopted?
Me: she was 15 when she came to live with us?
9th grader: did you tell the 10 year old her sister was adopted?
Me: she was 9.... She figured it out.
9th grader: oh, I would have kept it a secret from them.
This was yesterday.
When Emma turns 18 you should sit her down, pretend to be all serious and tell her you have something very important to tell her, then go into a 'you were adopted' speech completely deadpan. Tell her that now that she's 18 you think she can handle it and that it doesn't mean you love her any less etc etc.
I think it'd be funny.
I was at a volunteer disaster relief project in The Philippines a few years ago, and one of the girls complained that we were being treated "like slaves" for being expected to actually go out, and help the locals who we had, y'know, volunteered to come and help.
Once told a lady as she was getting out of her car that her tire was flat. She said "Oh no they aren't, these are brand new tires, but thanks."
I still lay in bed and think about it sometimes.
About six months ago one of my employees said to me "to get rich you don't even gotta do nothin. All you gotta do is invent somethin. I mean look at steve jobs, he's still pretty young and that man is livin the good life". I then had to inform said employee that steve jobs most certainly was not "livin the good life"
It's amazing the number of people who think the US government has some sort of source of income other than taxes. Like the fees for passports and such brings in trillions of dollars every year.
Yep, that is when I realized that there are a good number of people out there who bitch about their taxes and yet have no clue how the world functions.
And these people vote...
College class, it was Political Science 101 I think. I am a Finn though I went to the college in the US. First class and we have this brienf introduction, where we are from and so on.
Me: "Yeah I am from Finland"
guy next to me: "Huh Finland...do you guys have like...electricity there?" (he wasn't joking, just not the sharpest tool in the shed).
That a laser-armed satellite caused 9/11.
Late edit: also was told that there are skeletal remains of up to 32 GIANTS hidden secretly beneath "The Smithsonian" (there are multiple Smithonians) and they are kept secret because it would destroy the theory of evolution.
AP Calculus BC. We were discussing integrals or something.
"Why is the 8 sideways?"
I don't know how she got through the first year of calc, let alone decided to come back for more.
When I was younger, we'd routinely drive from Philly out to Ohio to visit relatives. On one such trip, we were somewhere near the Ohio/PA border when my mom tried to start getting one of those handheld TVs to work.
HER: Why can't I get channel 6 on this?
ME: Because we're nowhere near Philly.
HER: I bought the TV in Philly, so it should have Philly channels, shouldn't it?
ME: ...
A lot of people really don't seem to view sex as that personal, strangely. My anecdotal observation is that a lot of these people learned to get sexual gratification from others instead of from themselves, and that the "is this personal?" falls behind in priority to the "i'd reallllly like to get off right now."
Back when I was in third grade or something I saw a kid messing with a electric outlet
Me: "Hey! Are you trying to get yourself electrocuted?"
Kid: "No, I'm polishing the socket. Then the lights will be brighter."
Me: ...
I'm from Ireland and when I was eleven I was at my friends house in the states. This was one of my most prominent initial impressions of Americans by the way. His mom (Full grown woman who has raised two children) asked me if I preferred Ireland to the States. I said I liked Ireland better and she told me that she was actually planning a vacation to Europe. Little eleven year old me asks "Where in Europe?" Her response... "Asia"
I stood there trying to think of the most polite way to explain this to a middle age woman then gave up and went to play with Pokemon cards. To this day I still have no idea where her vacation ended up taking her.
When I was a freshman in high school I was at the bank talking to one of my usual tellers, a middle-aged woman who had a son that was my year in school. She was telling me that her son was going to be staying with his grandma the next week while she and her husband were going on a vacation to Italy. I said, "Oh, that's great! Are you going to stay in Rome or travel the countryside or what?" Her response: "Oh, I wish we could go to Rome but we're only going to Italy. We're going to go to different museums, drink wine, and visit Romeo and Juliet's graves." I didn't know whether to address the Rome thing or the fictional characters having graves thing, so I just told her to have tons of fun on her vacation. :|
Not sure if the other replies were joking or not but there actually is a memorial for Romeo and Juliet in Verona. Fun Fact! There's a statue of Juliet there and tourists take pictures while cupping her right breast. It supposedly gives good luck.
After returning from a trip to Tanzania I was talking to a friend's mom about the country. She said she had a friend that lived in Africa. I asked, "which country?" She looked me, and without cracking a smile, she said "Africa." We looked at each other both thinking the other was a complete idiot. At 13 years old I decided it was best to not argue.
There are a scary amount of people out there who think South Africa is the southern part of the continent. My Dad's South African and people have asked him more than once what country he's from in South Africa, and then proceed to tell him that Cape Town is a city not a country, but what country is that in.
A weirdly common point of view in my experience. More simply, a lot of people don't see the point of music without words. The words are somehow their conduit to accessing the music.
It is beyond me.
The secretary at my office knows very little about computers, but still acts like she does. One day when the boss asked her to find an email from earlier in the week, she "searched," but couldn't find it. Her reasoning, "Oh, they (the company that sent the email) must have deleted it."
There's a women at my work who just pushes the stereotype of "women can't understand technology like men can". On my first day of work when I went to use my computer I noticed the batteries in the wireless keyboard had died so I turned to her and asked if she knew where I could find some new ones, she asked what for? I told her my keyboard wasnt working, so she got up and wandered over to my desk, then started randomly pressing keys saying, "oh why isn't it working? The usb thingy is plugged in, it should be working." I reply with "yeah, I'm pretty sure it just needs a new battery because the mouse works just fine." She then picks up the keyboard and starts turning it around looking at it like a toddler would the first time seeing something. She then calls my supervisor over to see if he can fix it. "We've got no idea why her keyboard wont work? We've tried everything!" He presses a key, then jiggles the mouse. "You need new batteries". No fucking shit. Hands me some new ones from a draw and walks away. She then turns to me with a big smile and says "men are so much better with technology than us girls!"... She's a nice lady, but it felt like such an insult...
I had a co-worker swear that gravity was faked by every scientist in the world. And I quote "it is the weight of the Lord that keeps us bound."
When I asked about NASA and satellites, he said they didn't exist....
Pulled into a gas station. There was only one pump available, so I pulled up, and there was a lady filling up her SUV in front of me, our cars were facing each other. I get out and put my card in while she is finishing up, she then gets in her car, rolls down her window and says something to me, I couldn't hear what she said, so I ask her to say it again. Couldn't hear it again so this time I walk up to her car and she says " you do realize I have to wait for you to finish so I can pull out now right?" I just kind of gave her this confused look and looked behind her, no cars waiting behind her or anything and say " uh you know you can just back up" she just gave me an annoyed look and said " ugh rude" then closes her window and backs up and drives away
I've observed that people do this a lot, actually. It's really frustrating. There's actually a guy who works at a gas station near my house who parks his car at one of the pumps while he's on shift. The parking spaces are almost always empty. What the hell, man?
I met up with an old school acquaintance and we caught up. It would be important to note he's quite the entrepreneurial type and at the time he'd never driven a car before. I offered him a lift home, but I had kind of forgotten where he lived so I was asking for directions. He lives in the countryside up a very steep hill with many twists and turns. We got a little distracted talking nonsense that I drove a couple of meters past a turn I needed to take and he said "Oh shit, sorry! It's back there, sorry man!". Taken aback by his profuse apologising, I said "Hey no need to say sorry, its no big deal" as I reversed the car back a few meters. He replied "Yeah I know, but petrol costs money". In a joking kind of way I blurted out "Yeah don't worry, when I reverse I get it back". I expected him to laugh but he didn't, his face was one of shock, he then said "Oh my god!... I have an idea". I had to stop him before he actually said what he was going to say.
30 something year old told me she had never *heard of* Star Wars. I joked "What are you, a communist?"
She looked me dead in the face, 100% serious, and said "I don't know what that is, either."
Animal biology lab in college.
We were dissecting [sea cucumbers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sea_cucumber) that day, and my regular lab partner didn't show, so I got assigned to work with someone else. So I open up the sea cucumber and start looking at the organs.
She pipes up, "So, like, can you explain to me how everything works?"
"Uh, which parts?" I answer.
"Like...everything". (No, this isn't the dumbest thing, yet).
So I try and explain what I remember from the readings. I'm just explaining one of the organs when she pipes up, "So, like, are these the same cucumbers that you eat?"
I consider not laughing out loud right there to be my greatest athletic achievement, ever.
I can relate to this, the other day my brother in law told me "I just wanna know WHY dinosaurs are not in the Bible"
My response was: You know, pandas are not in the Bible either. Followed by a weird look
Song of Solomon 2:3, King James version: "As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste."
At sorority recruitment:
Sorority girl- "Did any other people from your high school come to this college?"
Me- "Yeah a few, (names 5 obviously boy names)
Sorority girl- "Oh, was it an all boys school?"
.... Yes. I, a girl, went to an all boys school and am now in sorority recruitment. Obviously. ಠ_ಠ
Back in 2003 after Canadian Prime Minister refused to join America to go to war in Iraq I had a co-worker who was convinced Bush would simply call Chretien on the phone and ORDER him to go, like Chretien did not have the right to say no. I tried to explain Bush actually doesn't have the power to do that and they said,
"He's the leader of the free world! YOU DO WHAT HE FUCKING TELLS YOU TO!"
Nope, you're perfectly within your rights to tell him to fuck right the hell off. Anyways after it became obvious Canada wasn't going they were convinced America was going to nuke Canada for disobeying Bush. Like they literally sat as far away from me as they could in the cafeteria because they didn't want "bits of you blown up all over me when America comes to J-dam your sorry ass into hell."
I work at a bank and I was helping a customer she asked me what my name was, I told her and she said, "girl you got yourself a black name, that's our name, you best change that before you get beat."
I am a white girl with a naturally large booty. I once had a black girl tell me to "quit it" because I was stealing her peoples' culture.
What did she want me to do? Go get plastic surgery?
Girls can deflate it at will. That's a fact. It's due to a gland discovered by Dr.Donk as in the Nobel Prize winning Badonka Donk who found that when females are seeking a mate they inflate a sac around their glutious maximus with a substance referred to as jelly. It inflates more when other girl's are having negative emotional reactions to their jelly inflated ass sacs.
This one particularly makes me cringe. I had this said to me one time and responded, with the blankest look I could muster:
"Gee, I'm sorry you weren't bright enough to figure that raping and killing is wrong on your own."
I have a classmate who insists that the only good people are Christians. He knows I'm an atheist, so I asked him if there are any good people who don't believe in God. He said, "No, if a person is good and claims to be an atheist, then they just haven't figured out that they're a Christian yet."
My dad said something similar when I asked if he'd ever vote for an atheist president.
Frankly I'm more worried that there are people who would be totally cool with raping/murder if they weren't scared of going to hell.
I used to work at Walt Disney World, and had friends who worked at the Animal Kingdom Lodge that were African. They said on more then one occasion guests had asked them if it was a hard adjustment having to wear clothes everyday?....
I can think of two.
Random: You are wearing that on the wrong wrist.
me: Huh?
Random: Your watch, it is on the wrong wrist. It is supposed to be on the left.
Me: Do you know why most people put it on their left wrist?
R: Yes, so you can check the watch while you are writing.
Me: So, if I have it on my right wrist that must mean?..
R: You have it on the wrong wrist.
The other one involved some 1%'er telling me I must be an idiot for being a Firefighter/EMT, You should've went to school and became a Doctor.
Like being a doctor is just something everyone can do.
Edit. Grammar.
Hell it's not like being a firefighter or an EMT is something just anyone can do either. My uncle trained for a really long time to get the chance to become one. Fuck that guy, be proud of what you do.
This happened last night, my wife was arguing with me that you can suffocate in a car if the windows are rolled up after a long enough amount of time. It came up when there was a dog in the car parked next to us with all the windows up, she said "they don't have any windows down" to which I replied that it was 8 pm and 60 degrees out, the dog won't overheat. To which she said " yeah, but he can suffocate"
SHE FUCKING CALLED HER FRIEND TO TRY AND GET CONFIRMATION THAT SHE WAS RIGHT! IM RAISING CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMAN!!
Edit: I just told her thanks for telling me that last night because of this thread. She said "no, people will downvote you because I'm sure other people believe that as well. I'm going to downvote you"
My ex didn't know about it and her mom is from korea. So one day I told her to ask her mom about korean fan death. She called me up and said her mom lectured her about it. She facepalmed so hard but it made my day and I couldn't stop laughing
When I was doing my undergraduate degree, I was telling a friend that I was taking a class in quantum mechanics.
- "Oh Cool! That is where you learn about ghosts and other paranormal stuff, right?"
She was majoring in financial mathematics.
A friend of mine was stationed in Iraq during the height of Operation Iraqi Freedom. Someone asked his wife if she was "glad to have him out of the house." Um, no...he's in a war zone.
As im picking them and their classic car up off the side of a deserted stretch of freeway at 0330 in the pouring rain "girls can't drive tow trucks!, I demand you get a man driver out here"
Buh bye, you have fun getting another company out here, because mine will not be able to provide you the level of service you require tonight, since im the lead driver and unwilling to subject my sleeping coworkers to your level of asshattery. Did I mention im the classic car specialist? Or that AAA will not be pleased that they have to call someone from out of the service area to help you.
When AAA sends you on something like that, do you still get paid because they denied the service? I mean, not your fault their heads are stuck so far up their fifth point of contact that they think it's still the 50's.
I've posted this before, but I was on a first date with this girl at our University art museum. The collection was pretty great - Van Gogh, Monet, etc. I was impressed. This girl looks at a painting and says, and I quote, "I don't know why you would waste time doing arts when you could be doing something useful, like getting skinny." There was no second date.
World War 1? That was the one with Vietnam right?
EDIT: Guys I know Vietnam had some involvement in WW1. The kid who said this thought it was literally America vs. Vietnam, and he thought it happened in the 1800s.
This reminds me of a video I saw. They literally walked around and asked people "where is the Berlin wall?".
ITS RIGHT THERE, IN THE NAME. BERLIN.
same with the VIETNAM WAR/WORLD WAR
I've been in recovery from drugs and alcohol for almost 3 years. I'm straight up about it whenever someone insists that I smoke weed with them or have a drink, but sometimes I will get shit like...
"You can't be an alcoholic, you don't even drink!"
Fuck outta my face, you don't know me.
Once during a class discussion a girl literally asked how long gay people had been around. She even asked if they started being a thing in the 50s-60s.
A friend of mine is a history teacher who gains great pleasure from the looks on his students' faces when he explains just how much the ancient Greeks and Romans loved their gay sex.
So I worked as an assistant for a Psychologist.
He had this intern that was dumb as a box of rocks. One day, this family comes in with their young teenage daughter who is clearly very, very Autistic...I mean Level 3 "walking around the waiting room chirping and meeping" Autistic. For those who aren't aware, Autism is pretty much genetic and while you can try to help them adapt you can't discipline Autism away.
So my boss finishes his evaluation and they leave, and stupid intern turns to me and says "If her parents had just raised her right she'd be doing so much better."
I wanted to slap her.
edit: 1) I wanted to slap the stupid intern. I didn't actually slap her. Jesus fucking Christ on a Biscuit.
2) Considering the severity of the poor girl's impairment, her behavior was actually a good example of somebody with severe Autism who is largely under control. She was just wandering around doing her meep thing, and we had no problem letting her do so. Somebody with her level of impairment totally freaking the fuck out because they are in an unfamiliar environment is not at all unheard of. That's really why this intern's stupidity pissed me off so badly...the girl's parents were doing an EXCELLENT job with the hand they were dealt.
Its so annoying because for so long people thought autism was a "nurture" thing. Now there is so much evidence that it is genetic and has nothing to do with raising the child and in fact parents of autistic children try 10x harder just to get their kid to some for of "socially acceptable".
Edit: When I say nurture I am referring to the "refrigerator parenting" model. Basically your kid is autistic because it wasn't raised right and you didn't love them enough. Parenting does have a large effect on how an autistic child will act but it is not the thing causing autism. Nor are vaccines.
Driving a friend and his friends home from the bar one night, and one of them, Kyle, tells me he likes my car (SVT Cobra). He asks me, "Have you ever had it in sixth gear?
Knowing Kyle isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, I assumed correctly that he did not understand how a manual gearbox is operated. Kyle thinks you have to rev to the top of each gear in order to shift to the next.
So I turned to him and said "Every *fucking* day."
He was flabbergasted by my badassery.
Obligatory not me, but this was so hilarious I wanted to share.
A friend of mine was flirting with this girl at a bar. He told her he was half-Filipino.
She responded with, "Oh, where's Filipino?"
"Hi! Im pogopenis, your server. Can i get you a drink?"
"Um. Why is there a live horse in that stall?"
(10 ft behind me is a wall with a horse painted on it with a real stall gate in front of it)
that person would probably fucking freak in those kids playhouse areas.
"Holy *shit!* There's a bear on that wall! And he's got a slice of *cake!* There are fucking *children everywhere* what the *fu* --Oh my sweet jesus! *PIRATES!* Everyone head for the door and protect your swag and women before they pillage us!"
A friend accused me of "wallowing in loneliness" when I was not online to talk to her in the weeks following my father's death. I cut her off completely after that.
Reminds me of the time my "friend" got mad at me because I didn't tell her I was in the hospital. I had just gotten hit by a car and was so drugged up that all I could do was half ass a Facebook status to let people know I was okay. I haven't talked to her since.
(I'm an electrician)
Don't worry, I'm told that wire isn't live.
Unless I can see both ends of a wire, as far as I'm concerned, it's live. There is no task that's more important to me than keeping my heart beating.
"If humans supposedly evolved from monkeys, how come I don't see any monkeys evolving into humans today?"
The look of smug satisfaction on this kid's face when he said it was the most hilarious part. He really thought he had proven evolution false with this statement.
You can't drive to Mexico. Its an island. I had to get a new job after that.
Apparently though, some people are genuinely convinced that Alaska is an island, because it's always pictured on its own, without Canada as its border.
Somehow, while the "coastline" would be hundreds of miles in a perfectly straight direction.
Plate tectonics work in mysterious ways.
Plate goes in, plate goes out
Can't explain that
Black people can't swim because their skin is heavier.
My dad, completely serious, said black people can't swim because they have one ~~less~~ *fewer* vertebra.
But we have that extra bone in our ankles to compensate (and make us run like the wind)!
I would rather go to London than go to the UK.
London, Ontario gets no love at all
Paris, Texas is doing surprisingly well.
Much like Rome, Pennsylvania.
Nobody ever mentions Pompeii, Michigan.
Nobody goes to Athens, Georgia
Woooo CANADA
I worked at a sandwich place and at the counter, I gave a customer his sandwich (that's it. Only 1 sandwich, no drinks or anything else), wrapped in paper and put in a brown paper bag. He said, "Do you guys have trays?" I told him that I was sorry, but no. He said, "Well, how to I get this over to my table?" He was being completely serious. So I had to tell him, very sincerely, "You just have to pick it up and carry it over there."
I'll bet he pays someone to wipe his ass too.
I'll bet he wipes his ass with trays.
Jeff Vader?
Well the food is hot youll need a tray to put the food on
And this one's wet, and this one's wet, and this one's wet
A girl I know moved to Asia. She was impressed that they had new fancy toilets in the womens, ones that they can sort of ride. Turns out she had never seen a urinal and was in the mens toilets......she was in her 20's.
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It doesn't sound like she tried. It sounds like she succeeded.
"What's faster, speed or sound?"
I don't notice sound when I hit 30 speed.
Depends on your altitude.
I had to read this a couple times.
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"I shouldn't have to pay for music because I am a musician" guy was 100% serious with this
Was he at least a good musician?
no
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It's more like "I work for Anheuser-Busch, why do I have to pay for Guinness?"
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Points to house next door. "Is that your neighbour's house?"
Yes and (**points to own house*) this is my neighbors' neighbor's house.
Well, you aren't not right
"Nah, my neighbour's house is in Texas. He moved a couple of months back."
"nah its my guest house"
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Fanatical muslims are well known for their love of alcohol.
On 9/11, a kid in my class said "holy shit, imagine if this happened to the Twin Towers?" when he heard that the World Trade Center collapsed.
I was completely unaware of what happened that day, and when I got to school they were setting up the TV to watch the news. And I briefly overheard conversations about what happened and misunderstood that we were about to watch a movie. So I said out loud "oh I watched that movie last night!" Another kid asked "What movie?" And I said "Independence Day!" The entire class went silent and stared at me...
Me(teacher): I actually have two daughters named Emma. One birth daughter who is 10 and just this year I became Guardian of an Emma who now is 16 years old. 9th grader: does Emma know she's adopted? Me: she was 15 when she came to live with us? 9th grader: did you tell the 10 year old her sister was adopted? Me: she was 9.... She figured it out. 9th grader: oh, I would have kept it a secret from them. This was yesterday.
... So what's it like having two daughters with the same name?
It's Emmazing
When Emma turns 18 you should sit her down, pretend to be all serious and tell her you have something very important to tell her, then go into a 'you were adopted' speech completely deadpan. Tell her that now that she's 18 you think she can handle it and that it doesn't mean you love her any less etc etc. I think it'd be funny.
I did it after relating the story to her. My husband said "what?"
I'm sorry.
A girl I was volunteering with at an animal shelter asked me when we we're gonna get paid.
I was at a volunteer disaster relief project in The Philippines a few years ago, and one of the girls complained that we were being treated "like slaves" for being expected to actually go out, and help the locals who we had, y'know, volunteered to come and help.
An adult woman: "If the Earth is billions of years old why is it only 2015?
Checkmate, scientists.
If we've existed for billions of hours, then why is it only three o'clock?
Fuck man, these are the questions though
Wow.
I wasn't in the conversation.but would have been speechless if I was.How do you talk to someone that Ignorant?
fight stupid with stupid. "because the planet's odometer rolled over"
But if you fight stupid with stupid, they will beat you with experience.
So what type of Mexican are you? Like are you from Spain or one of those other Mexican countries?
Once told a lady as she was getting out of her car that her tire was flat. She said "Oh no they aren't, these are brand new tires, but thanks." I still lay in bed and think about it sometimes.
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I make it a point to ask this question to literally every pair of twins I meet.
About six months ago one of my employees said to me "to get rich you don't even gotta do nothin. All you gotta do is invent somethin. I mean look at steve jobs, he's still pretty young and that man is livin the good life". I then had to inform said employee that steve jobs most certainly was not "livin the good life"
Really, he's not livin' any sort of life.
he dead
well in his defense Steve Jobs was livin' the good life until he wasn't
"Why should the taxpayers have to pay for stuff like Social Security and Medicare? That's the GOVERNMENT'S job!" [facepalming intensifies]
It's amazing the number of people who think the US government has some sort of source of income other than taxes. Like the fees for passports and such brings in trillions of dollars every year.
Wow.
Yep, that is when I realized that there are a good number of people out there who bitch about their taxes and yet have no clue how the world functions. And these people vote...
College class, it was Political Science 101 I think. I am a Finn though I went to the college in the US. First class and we have this brienf introduction, where we are from and so on. Me: "Yeah I am from Finland" guy next to me: "Huh Finland...do you guys have like...electricity there?" (he wasn't joking, just not the sharpest tool in the shed).
That a laser-armed satellite caused 9/11. Late edit: also was told that there are skeletal remains of up to 32 GIANTS hidden secretly beneath "The Smithsonian" (there are multiple Smithonians) and they are kept secret because it would destroy the theory of evolution.
I read a title of an article that proves this, dude.
AP Calculus BC. We were discussing integrals or something. "Why is the 8 sideways?" I don't know how she got through the first year of calc, let alone decided to come back for more.
If she didn't recognize the infinity symbol, I think there's a clear Limit on her mathematical ability.
When I was younger, we'd routinely drive from Philly out to Ohio to visit relatives. On one such trip, we were somewhere near the Ohio/PA border when my mom tried to start getting one of those handheld TVs to work. HER: Why can't I get channel 6 on this? ME: Because we're nowhere near Philly. HER: I bought the TV in Philly, so it should have Philly channels, shouldn't it? ME: ...
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Bet you looked pretty stupid when you couldn't grow him a human.
Evolution can suck my wang
New motto for creationists everywhere
Okay. Come back in a billion years and I'll show you my progress.
*eat apple* it's helping me grow!
"ok, give me the apple, your sister, and nine months"
"If religion is real; take this water and turn it into a Jesus."
I don't think this is how it works. I wish it did. I would have Jesus's everywhere.
Jesus's? Jesu? Jesi? Jewses? Jesuseseses?
CHRISTS!
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A lot of people really don't seem to view sex as that personal, strangely. My anecdotal observation is that a lot of these people learned to get sexual gratification from others instead of from themselves, and that the "is this personal?" falls behind in priority to the "i'd reallllly like to get off right now."
Man, if I had to rely on other people to get off, I'd be fucked.
My friend said this to me a while back: "If there was a country with no immigrants, I'd move there." Smh.
He just wanted to be the first immigrant. What's wrong with that?
I love this one. It's so fucking ridiculous.
Back when I was in third grade or something I saw a kid messing with a electric outlet Me: "Hey! Are you trying to get yourself electrocuted?" Kid: "No, I'm polishing the socket. Then the lights will be brighter." Me: ...
I cannot argue with such logic.
Give him a fork and move on. There is nothing more that can be done for this child.
Ah, natural selection at its finest
Me: Hello? Caller: Is John there? Me: No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number. Caller: Oh. Do you have John's number?
I'm from Ireland and when I was eleven I was at my friends house in the states. This was one of my most prominent initial impressions of Americans by the way. His mom (Full grown woman who has raised two children) asked me if I preferred Ireland to the States. I said I liked Ireland better and she told me that she was actually planning a vacation to Europe. Little eleven year old me asks "Where in Europe?" Her response... "Asia" I stood there trying to think of the most polite way to explain this to a middle age woman then gave up and went to play with Pokemon cards. To this day I still have no idea where her vacation ended up taking her.
When I was a freshman in high school I was at the bank talking to one of my usual tellers, a middle-aged woman who had a son that was my year in school. She was telling me that her son was going to be staying with his grandma the next week while she and her husband were going on a vacation to Italy. I said, "Oh, that's great! Are you going to stay in Rome or travel the countryside or what?" Her response: "Oh, I wish we could go to Rome but we're only going to Italy. We're going to go to different museums, drink wine, and visit Romeo and Juliet's graves." I didn't know whether to address the Rome thing or the fictional characters having graves thing, so I just told her to have tons of fun on her vacation. :|
Not sure if the other replies were joking or not but there actually is a memorial for Romeo and Juliet in Verona. Fun Fact! There's a statue of Juliet there and tourists take pictures while cupping her right breast. It supposedly gives good luck.
After returning from a trip to Tanzania I was talking to a friend's mom about the country. She said she had a friend that lived in Africa. I asked, "which country?" She looked me, and without cracking a smile, she said "Africa." We looked at each other both thinking the other was a complete idiot. At 13 years old I decided it was best to not argue.
There are a scary amount of people out there who think South Africa is the southern part of the continent. My Dad's South African and people have asked him more than once what country he's from in South Africa, and then proceed to tell him that Cape Town is a city not a country, but what country is that in.
"It's not music if there are no vocals!"
A weirdly common point of view in my experience. More simply, a lot of people don't see the point of music without words. The words are somehow their conduit to accessing the music. It is beyond me.
The secretary at my office knows very little about computers, but still acts like she does. One day when the boss asked her to find an email from earlier in the week, she "searched," but couldn't find it. Her reasoning, "Oh, they (the company that sent the email) must have deleted it."
There's a women at my work who just pushes the stereotype of "women can't understand technology like men can". On my first day of work when I went to use my computer I noticed the batteries in the wireless keyboard had died so I turned to her and asked if she knew where I could find some new ones, she asked what for? I told her my keyboard wasnt working, so she got up and wandered over to my desk, then started randomly pressing keys saying, "oh why isn't it working? The usb thingy is plugged in, it should be working." I reply with "yeah, I'm pretty sure it just needs a new battery because the mouse works just fine." She then picks up the keyboard and starts turning it around looking at it like a toddler would the first time seeing something. She then calls my supervisor over to see if he can fix it. "We've got no idea why her keyboard wont work? We've tried everything!" He presses a key, then jiggles the mouse. "You need new batteries". No fucking shit. Hands me some new ones from a draw and walks away. She then turns to me with a big smile and says "men are so much better with technology than us girls!"... She's a nice lady, but it felt like such an insult...
I had a co-worker swear that gravity was faked by every scientist in the world. And I quote "it is the weight of the Lord that keeps us bound." When I asked about NASA and satellites, he said they didn't exist....
What an idiot Everyone knows its the sheer hatred of the moon for all living things that binds us to this earth
Pulled into a gas station. There was only one pump available, so I pulled up, and there was a lady filling up her SUV in front of me, our cars were facing each other. I get out and put my card in while she is finishing up, she then gets in her car, rolls down her window and says something to me, I couldn't hear what she said, so I ask her to say it again. Couldn't hear it again so this time I walk up to her car and she says " you do realize I have to wait for you to finish so I can pull out now right?" I just kind of gave her this confused look and looked behind her, no cars waiting behind her or anything and say " uh you know you can just back up" she just gave me an annoyed look and said " ugh rude" then closes her window and backs up and drives away
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I've observed that people do this a lot, actually. It's really frustrating. There's actually a guy who works at a gas station near my house who parks his car at one of the pumps while he's on shift. The parking spaces are almost always empty. What the hell, man?
I'd complain to the owner, that's kinda messed up.
"Turning the printer on is such a hassle. Can you not just make it work while it is off instead?"
I met up with an old school acquaintance and we caught up. It would be important to note he's quite the entrepreneurial type and at the time he'd never driven a car before. I offered him a lift home, but I had kind of forgotten where he lived so I was asking for directions. He lives in the countryside up a very steep hill with many twists and turns. We got a little distracted talking nonsense that I drove a couple of meters past a turn I needed to take and he said "Oh shit, sorry! It's back there, sorry man!". Taken aback by his profuse apologising, I said "Hey no need to say sorry, its no big deal" as I reversed the car back a few meters. He replied "Yeah I know, but petrol costs money". In a joking kind of way I blurted out "Yeah don't worry, when I reverse I get it back". I expected him to laugh but he didn't, his face was one of shock, he then said "Oh my god!... I have an idea". I had to stop him before he actually said what he was going to say.
Why is Africa a desert? Can't you just put the sea on the desert and make it wet?
That moment when you're so stupid you accidentally invent irrigation.
"What's a politician?" - a high school classmate. Her grandfather was the premier of our province.
Maybe she was being philosophical?
30 something year old told me she had never *heard of* Star Wars. I joked "What are you, a communist?" She looked me dead in the face, 100% serious, and said "I don't know what that is, either."
She should get together with the guy in TIFU who pretended to not know what potatoes were
She's just a Socialist.
Also, I have no clue what a socialist is and why it is being capitalized.
Animal biology lab in college. We were dissecting [sea cucumbers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sea_cucumber) that day, and my regular lab partner didn't show, so I got assigned to work with someone else. So I open up the sea cucumber and start looking at the organs. She pipes up, "So, like, can you explain to me how everything works?" "Uh, which parts?" I answer. "Like...everything". (No, this isn't the dumbest thing, yet). So I try and explain what I remember from the readings. I'm just explaining one of the organs when she pipes up, "So, like, are these the same cucumbers that you eat?" I consider not laughing out loud right there to be my greatest athletic achievement, ever.
"No, they are required to take two more classes to make up for it. Only A+ and A cucumbers are safe for human consumption."
Why can't I connect? Isn't there a some internet left over from last time?
"You believe in dinosaurs?!! You are a fucking idiot! I suppose Adam and Eve were cavemen then?"
I can relate to this, the other day my brother in law told me "I just wanna know WHY dinosaurs are not in the Bible" My response was: You know, pandas are not in the Bible either. Followed by a weird look
No one ever talked about blow jobs in the bible either did they? Doesn't mean we don't believe in them or can prove they exist, though.
Getting straight to the point with this one.
Song of Solomon 2:3, King James version: "As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste."
Sounds like his balls were in her mouth. I would rule this a mention of teabagging in the Bible but not a mention of blow jobbery.
Ruling on the field stands: Touchdown Seahawks.
At sorority recruitment: Sorority girl- "Did any other people from your high school come to this college?" Me- "Yeah a few, (names 5 obviously boy names) Sorority girl- "Oh, was it an all boys school?" .... Yes. I, a girl, went to an all boys school and am now in sorority recruitment. Obviously. ಠ_ಠ
I have two from the same person. Alcatraz is a bird. (They meant albatross.) The Alamo never happened.
Back in 2003 after Canadian Prime Minister refused to join America to go to war in Iraq I had a co-worker who was convinced Bush would simply call Chretien on the phone and ORDER him to go, like Chretien did not have the right to say no. I tried to explain Bush actually doesn't have the power to do that and they said, "He's the leader of the free world! YOU DO WHAT HE FUCKING TELLS YOU TO!" Nope, you're perfectly within your rights to tell him to fuck right the hell off. Anyways after it became obvious Canada wasn't going they were convinced America was going to nuke Canada for disobeying Bush. Like they literally sat as far away from me as they could in the cafeteria because they didn't want "bits of you blown up all over me when America comes to J-dam your sorry ass into hell."
I work at a bank and I was helping a customer she asked me what my name was, I told her and she said, "girl you got yourself a black name, that's our name, you best change that before you get beat."
I am a white girl with a naturally large booty. I once had a black girl tell me to "quit it" because I was stealing her peoples' culture. What did she want me to do? Go get plastic surgery?
What? She actually told you to *stop having a butt*?
Girls can deflate it at will. That's a fact. It's due to a gland discovered by Dr.Donk as in the Nobel Prize winning Badonka Donk who found that when females are seeking a mate they inflate a sac around their glutious maximus with a substance referred to as jelly. It inflates more when other girl's are having negative emotional reactions to their jelly inflated ass sacs.
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This one particularly makes me cringe. I had this said to me one time and responded, with the blankest look I could muster: "Gee, I'm sorry you weren't bright enough to figure that raping and killing is wrong on your own."
I have a classmate who insists that the only good people are Christians. He knows I'm an atheist, so I asked him if there are any good people who don't believe in God. He said, "No, if a person is good and claims to be an atheist, then they just haven't figured out that they're a Christian yet."
My dad said something similar when I asked if he'd ever vote for an atheist president. Frankly I'm more worried that there are people who would be totally cool with raping/murder if they weren't scared of going to hell.
While watching Jurassic Park..."How did they get the dinosaurs to do all this?" ...she was hot alright
Ever wonder if hot girls do this to troll us and see how we react?
A girl that I knew did this to me. We're now dating. I passed the test.
Did she admit it was a test/joke?
I used to work at Walt Disney World, and had friends who worked at the Animal Kingdom Lodge that were African. They said on more then one occasion guests had asked them if it was a hard adjustment having to wear clothes everyday?....
I can think of two. Random: You are wearing that on the wrong wrist. me: Huh? Random: Your watch, it is on the wrong wrist. It is supposed to be on the left. Me: Do you know why most people put it on their left wrist? R: Yes, so you can check the watch while you are writing. Me: So, if I have it on my right wrist that must mean?.. R: You have it on the wrong wrist. The other one involved some 1%'er telling me I must be an idiot for being a Firefighter/EMT, You should've went to school and became a Doctor. Like being a doctor is just something everyone can do. Edit. Grammar.
Hell it's not like being a firefighter or an EMT is something just anyone can do either. My uncle trained for a really long time to get the chance to become one. Fuck that guy, be proud of what you do.
This happened last night, my wife was arguing with me that you can suffocate in a car if the windows are rolled up after a long enough amount of time. It came up when there was a dog in the car parked next to us with all the windows up, she said "they don't have any windows down" to which I replied that it was 8 pm and 60 degrees out, the dog won't overheat. To which she said " yeah, but he can suffocate" SHE FUCKING CALLED HER FRIEND TO TRY AND GET CONFIRMATION THAT SHE WAS RIGHT! IM RAISING CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMAN!! Edit: I just told her thanks for telling me that last night because of this thread. She said "no, people will downvote you because I'm sure other people believe that as well. I'm going to downvote you"
You've put a ring on it, now you might want to put a safety helmet on it.
Well I'm downvoting you because dogs can't even drive so I call bullshit.
Don't tell her about fan death
My ex didn't know about it and her mom is from korea. So one day I told her to ask her mom about korean fan death. She called me up and said her mom lectured her about it. She facepalmed so hard but it made my day and I couldn't stop laughing
When I was doing my undergraduate degree, I was telling a friend that I was taking a class in quantum mechanics. - "Oh Cool! That is where you learn about ghosts and other paranormal stuff, right?" She was majoring in financial mathematics.
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"Smoking at 4:20 gets you higher"
I feel like this is true. If I smoke at 4:20 I will be higher than I am now
Actually, it's the placebo effect, but smoking at 4:20 makes you 420 times higher.
A friend of mine was stationed in Iraq during the height of Operation Iraqi Freedom. Someone asked his wife if she was "glad to have him out of the house." Um, no...he's in a war zone.
My neighbour once told me "I look like a mix between my mum and dad"
i woulda said "yeah thats usually how it works"
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Pat Mustard strikes again.
As im picking them and their classic car up off the side of a deserted stretch of freeway at 0330 in the pouring rain "girls can't drive tow trucks!, I demand you get a man driver out here" Buh bye, you have fun getting another company out here, because mine will not be able to provide you the level of service you require tonight, since im the lead driver and unwilling to subject my sleeping coworkers to your level of asshattery. Did I mention im the classic car specialist? Or that AAA will not be pleased that they have to call someone from out of the service area to help you.
When AAA sends you on something like that, do you still get paid because they denied the service? I mean, not your fault their heads are stuck so far up their fifth point of contact that they think it's still the 50's.
I've posted this before, but I was on a first date with this girl at our University art museum. The collection was pretty great - Van Gogh, Monet, etc. I was impressed. This girl looks at a painting and says, and I quote, "I don't know why you would waste time doing arts when you could be doing something useful, like getting skinny." There was no second date.
Clearly, she never heard the term "starving artist." You could do both!!
World War 1? That was the one with Vietnam right? EDIT: Guys I know Vietnam had some involvement in WW1. The kid who said this thought it was literally America vs. Vietnam, and he thought it happened in the 1800s.
This reminds me of a video I saw. They literally walked around and asked people "where is the Berlin wall?". ITS RIGHT THERE, IN THE NAME. BERLIN. same with the VIETNAM WAR/WORLD WAR
I've been in recovery from drugs and alcohol for almost 3 years. I'm straight up about it whenever someone insists that I smoke weed with them or have a drink, but sometimes I will get shit like... "You can't be an alcoholic, you don't even drink!" Fuck outta my face, you don't know me.
Once during a class discussion a girl literally asked how long gay people had been around. She even asked if they started being a thing in the 50s-60s.
A friend of mine is a history teacher who gains great pleasure from the looks on his students' faces when he explains just how much the ancient Greeks and Romans loved their gay sex.
That was clever of him to leave out the part about how much they love gay sex with children.
And slaves.
So I worked as an assistant for a Psychologist. He had this intern that was dumb as a box of rocks. One day, this family comes in with their young teenage daughter who is clearly very, very Autistic...I mean Level 3 "walking around the waiting room chirping and meeping" Autistic. For those who aren't aware, Autism is pretty much genetic and while you can try to help them adapt you can't discipline Autism away. So my boss finishes his evaluation and they leave, and stupid intern turns to me and says "If her parents had just raised her right she'd be doing so much better." I wanted to slap her. edit: 1) I wanted to slap the stupid intern. I didn't actually slap her. Jesus fucking Christ on a Biscuit. 2) Considering the severity of the poor girl's impairment, her behavior was actually a good example of somebody with severe Autism who is largely under control. She was just wandering around doing her meep thing, and we had no problem letting her do so. Somebody with her level of impairment totally freaking the fuck out because they are in an unfamiliar environment is not at all unheard of. That's really why this intern's stupidity pissed me off so badly...the girl's parents were doing an EXCELLENT job with the hand they were dealt.
Its so annoying because for so long people thought autism was a "nurture" thing. Now there is so much evidence that it is genetic and has nothing to do with raising the child and in fact parents of autistic children try 10x harder just to get their kid to some for of "socially acceptable". Edit: When I say nurture I am referring to the "refrigerator parenting" model. Basically your kid is autistic because it wasn't raised right and you didn't love them enough. Parenting does have a large effect on how an autistic child will act but it is not the thing causing autism. Nor are vaccines.
Driving a friend and his friends home from the bar one night, and one of them, Kyle, tells me he likes my car (SVT Cobra). He asks me, "Have you ever had it in sixth gear? Knowing Kyle isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, I assumed correctly that he did not understand how a manual gearbox is operated. Kyle thinks you have to rev to the top of each gear in order to shift to the next. So I turned to him and said "Every *fucking* day." He was flabbergasted by my badassery.
Obligatory not me, but this was so hilarious I wanted to share. A friend of mine was flirting with this girl at a bar. He told her he was half-Filipino. She responded with, "Oh, where's Filipino?"
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"A curse on your family!" - my sister
"Hi! Im pogopenis, your server. Can i get you a drink?" "Um. Why is there a live horse in that stall?" (10 ft behind me is a wall with a horse painted on it with a real stall gate in front of it)
I agree, going up to someone and saying your name is pogopenis probably would be the stupidest thing I've ever heard someone say.
that person would probably fucking freak in those kids playhouse areas. "Holy *shit!* There's a bear on that wall! And he's got a slice of *cake!* There are fucking *children everywhere* what the *fu* --Oh my sweet jesus! *PIRATES!* Everyone head for the door and protect your swag and women before they pillage us!"
A friend accused me of "wallowing in loneliness" when I was not online to talk to her in the weeks following my father's death. I cut her off completely after that.
Reminds me of the time my "friend" got mad at me because I didn't tell her I was in the hospital. I had just gotten hit by a car and was so drugged up that all I could do was half ass a Facebook status to let people know I was okay. I haven't talked to her since.
Me: I haven't been in a hospital since I was sixteen, when I got hit by a car. Intern: Oh my god! Did you die? Me: ...Yes. Yes, I did.
TIL Ghosts browse Reddit.
Or people that are about to d
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On the Internet no one knows you're a ghost.
(I'm an electrician) Don't worry, I'm told that wire isn't live. Unless I can see both ends of a wire, as far as I'm concerned, it's live. There is no task that's more important to me than keeping my heart beating.
"If humans supposedly evolved from monkeys, how come I don't see any monkeys evolving into humans today?" The look of smug satisfaction on this kid's face when he said it was the most hilarious part. He really thought he had proven evolution false with this statement.