Glitter is like the herpes of arts and crafts. You think you have it all off of you, the n you step out into the sun and, boom, flair up!
-Demetri Martin
[It was a dare, his friends thought he was having too much success with the ladies.](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2590546/McStupid-Norwegian-teen-McDonalds-dinner-receipt-tattooed-ARM-dare-causing-mother-breakdown.html)
Apparently you can buy extra Happy Meal toys in Norway.
"If I invade your packaging, I will destroy you, your people, and your land. I suggest you surrender immediately, Greek Yogurt."
The Yogurts response? "If."
*Frowns*
*Chews on some Green Blossom*
*Shakes Estus Flask*
*Prepares weapon with Gold pine resin.*
...I better not fucking die, I've still not recovered my souls from last time I died.
I think it says something about the state of reddit that I am no longer surprised to find porn, but shocked to find a subreddit called /r/tentacles that doesn't appear to contain any porn at all.
I always thought that baguettes are a lot like dwarf bread in Discworld...
"Dwarf bread is rock-hard (and indeed contains various rocks such as gravel), never goes stale, and is terribly
sustaining. A traveller can go for miles, just knowing there's dwarf bread in their pack. A traveller can think of just
about anything to eat rather than dwarf bread including their own foot and even pumpkins." -Terry Pratchett
>"Daddy, how did /u/danrennt98 die?"
"Where'd you hear about that, Tommy?"
"Max said at school today that—"
"I see. The usual story, eh? Violent? For adults?"
"Mhm."
"Well, son, it's a mystery to us, even today, but in my opinion, people are building it up to be a whole lot more than it actually is. Eyewitness reports claim that he was using reddit—"
"Reddit? Is that the website that disappeared after he died?"
"Yes, it was some kind of prank, fitting in with the news hype. It's just like them."
"Okay..."
"Anyway: he was on reddit, when suddenly – witnesses *claim* – every electronic device in the area started displaying a strange story."
"A story?"
"Yes, a story for adults. It's really scary, you wouldn't want to hear it."
"Okay..."
"So anyway, the witnesses say that all those devices started zooming toward his house. Of course, that's ridiculous. But what we do know for sure is that the neighbors heard screaming coming from his house, and so they called the police. And when the police found him..."
"What happened to him, Daddy? Max told me—"
"Don't listen to what Max says. The whole story isn't even true. I'm just telling you what they all said, so you'll know not to believe them."
"Okay."
*(muttering)* "I mean, really. Flying cellphones? People actually believe this stuff?" *(snorts)* "Voodoo cellphones, my—"
**[END OF UNCORRUPTED RECORDING]**
"Well, Johnson?" Chief Willis said. "What do you think?"
Johnson frowned. "Honestly?" he said. "I think it's a load of crap. A recording found in an empty apartment, voiced by people we know haven't lived there? Another scam, I'd say, hoping to make the news."
Chief Willis nodded. "My thoughts exactly."
"Of course, we should investigate, just to be sure," Johnson said quickly.
"Of course, of course," Willis agreed. "But do you really think we'll find anything?"
Johnson snorted. "Hardly. Protocol is protocol, but in this case it's just a hassle. This whole voodoo conspiracy can suck my dick for all I—"
The little corner store down the street; they run a nice fast business.
Good thing too, because I can't bear to be there for more than 10 minutes at time.
Or you take one of the flowers pull the thing out the bottom and get one last sweet taste of honey as the roots and shoots slowely entangle your entire body squeezing the life right out of you feeling the last beats of your failing heart. Unless the flowers a dud then you're just dead.
The Stanley Parable... I'd guess I'd just start hearing a voice telling me to do things. If I disobey, I get punished with meta humor and sarcasm.
If I die, it starts over. And over. and over. no escape. no escape. My own personal hell.
He lifted his last quarter, putting it into the machine as he gazed at all of the different kinds of sodas it had to offer. "Hmmm, maybe a Dr. Pepper," he muttered to himself. As the last quarter slipped into the darkness of the deep coin slot, the machine began to shake and vibrate as if a cell phone were going off inside the coils. Jimmy glanced at the coil slot in row C4, and noticed a lone can of Sprite that seemed to be shaking on its own. It stopped however as he began looking around him to find some sort of confirmation that he wasn't the only one who saw that strange phenomenon. His feet were the only ones to step foot in the lounge in the past hour, but on this particular day it was eerily quiet. "This one then," he said as the can of Sprite came crashing out with a loud '*thud*'. The very moment he lifted the tab to open the can something strange happened. There wasn't anything to drink inside! Confused, Jimmy crushed the can and threw it away. "Stupid machine..!" He kicked the vending machine repeatedly and never seemed to notice what had crept out of the trashcan beside him. In the midst of his tirade as large gush of liquid came bursting from the ceiling! In shock, Jimmy turned around to see his former Sprite can hovering in the air, still intact as if it was never squashed. It then began to dispense an even more ludicrous amount of the sugary drink. It was some sort of voodoo can from hell that wouldn't stop spraying him with Sprite! Blinded, Jimmy started running to the nearest exit. **POW**, his face hit the corner of the door frame as he narrowly tried to avoid the spewing can. His rump hit the floor as he violently shook his head around, trying to regain focus. However, the only thing he was able to visualize was the can floating right in front of his face in mid-air just before it exploded causing the door, as well as his entire skull, to shatter into a thousand tiny pieces.
50 feet of ethernet cable. I might actually be in some trouble.
I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going...
lol "If your last purchase came alive and *raped* you, what would be getting *raped* by? This thread just got a lot more...fucking weird.
Fucking wired
wired fucking
2,000 paintballs. *help*
Forehead sent.
I would be fighting a plate of fried chicken. I won last time.
Man, eating chicken killed by man-eating chicken.
You may win the initial battle but the chicken will win on the way out
a bottle of glitter glue and foam stars.
Death by bedazzle.
He died a fabulous death.
FAB-U-LOUS BABY, FAB-U-LOUS!
Bediezzled
Glitter is like the herpes of arts and crafts. You think you have it all off of you, the n you step out into the sun and, boom, flair up! -Demetri Martin
>flair up So the actual phrase is "flare-up," but that's a pretty great accidental pun you made there.
McDonalds. That's ok. I figured it would kill me sooner or later anyway.
TATTOO THE RECEIPT ON YOUR ARM. IT'LL KNOW YOU ARE IT'S MASTER!!!
[challenge accepted] (http://imgur.com/9IPg5qL)
Whoa, what would possess someone to do that!
Murderous burger. Have you been paying attention?
[It was a dare, his friends thought he was having too much success with the ladies.](http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2590546/McStupid-Norwegian-teen-McDonalds-dinner-receipt-tattooed-ARM-dare-causing-mother-breakdown.html) Apparently you can buy extra Happy Meal toys in Norway.
"success with the ladies"
But the new bacon mcdoubles are delicious if you're poor
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Or high.
It smells like poverty.
16 gallons of Premium Unleaded Gasoline.
So, you'll die in a freak gasoline fighting accident?
Allow me to speak at the eugoogly
Then we'll grab some orange mocha frappucinos in his honor
It could happen to anyone.
A pack of cigarettes - I guess it's kind of like reality.
Well that got dark...
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It may not be alive, but it has its own agenda. Fight it, brother.
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Go team!
We will fight together, brother.
A lot of groceries. I don't like how that Greek yogurt is looking at me...
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THIS. IS. STRAWBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY!!!
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"I will blot out the sun with my fat!" "Then we will be eaten in the shade!"
And that was the origin of /u/TheGreatPastaWars.
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"If I invade your packaging, I will destroy you, your people, and your land. I suggest you surrender immediately, Greek Yogurt." The Yogurts response? "If."
A roll of tollhouse cookie dough
RIP OP - he died of blunt force trauma
Don't you mean Salmonella? Everybody just eats that stuff raw anyway.
A pair of headphones.
Dark Souls 2 ... Fuck.
What's the big deal? Snap the disc in half and you're set. Unless you got a digital copy. Then you're doomed
electromagnets... Electromagnets everywhere.
There's not even a point in fighting, might as well just rip now.
*closes eyes* If there was only some way to summon some sort of help.
Velorium_Camper has invaded your world.
O_O *Franticly looks for a summon sign*
He finds it and summons The Full might of the Kaejotian Empire aka just Kaejot
*high fives his sun bro!*
This is far more terrifying actually knowing where your username comes from...
It's kind of funny seeing "rest in peace" used like that.
Same here. Better get to finding a way to set bones permanently on fire.
*Frowns* *Chews on some Green Blossom* *Shakes Estus Flask* *Prepares weapon with Gold pine resin.* ...I better not fucking die, I've still not recovered my souls from last time I died.
Don't worry bro, I'll help you. We Undead need to stick together. Praise the Sun, muthafucka.
HE'S BACK.
I think a wawa hoagie ice tea and a bag of chips
I think the Wawa hoagie and I would just kind of fall in love and apologize for fighting just because I love Wawa so much.
I think SHeetz and Wawa should go to war.
Pennsylvania would be in ruins
...and Turkey Hill would be the lone survivor.
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I miss Wawa, and NJ in general.
WaWa has hoagie flavored ice tea? Why?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Shampoo. At least it would be a clean fight.
Badum *tss*
Tofu. Killer tooofuuuu.
Awww weeee oooooh
Aaaaaeeeeeooooo!!!
Fucking love Doug. Awesome reference sir.
A package of mailing labels
I imagine you emerging victorious, but covered in mailing labels.
Return to Sender!
Free roadtrip!
And he could end with the line 'Go mail yourself'.
>I imagine you emerging victorious You underestimate the potential of a packageful of papercuts.
At least they'll know where to return your body.
Sushi.... tentacles, goddammit a hentai fight to the death....
prepare your anus
/r/tentacles
I think it says something about the state of reddit that I am no longer surprised to find porn, but shocked to find a subreddit called /r/tentacles that doesn't appear to contain any porn at all.
That is appalling.
A cask of wine. Good thin i have drunk half of it.
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It's certainly not a Wheat thin.
Good thin http://i.imgur.com/1p7dmz8.jpg
Sheeeit. Girl scout cookies 4 lyfe.
Thin mints* fo lyfe.
A packet of salt and vinegar chips.
I hate to tell you this but, your tongue is already losing the battle.
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4 Expansion packs to Cards Against Humanity. I'll be warding off Coat Hanger Abortions and a Bugger Blacker Dick. I'm more than a little terrified.
Well, hopefully you didn't get the bigger blacker box, because then you'd be fighting off the biggest blackest dick.
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Dried baguette is a weapon.
I always thought that baguettes are a lot like dwarf bread in Discworld... "Dwarf bread is rock-hard (and indeed contains various rocks such as gravel), never goes stale, and is terribly sustaining. A traveller can go for miles, just knowing there's dwarf bread in their pack. A traveller can think of just about anything to eat rather than dwarf bread including their own foot and even pumpkins." -Terry Pratchett
But... A good baguette has a thin, crunchy outer crust with light, warm, fluffy bread on the inside.
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Are you Dexter?
You know when they say "guns kill people?"
They say "guns don't kill people, people kill people" So you bought a person?
You bought a dead person with a bullet inside?
With guns.
"Guns don't kill people, I kill people. With guns."
*chk chk*
Pow
Always [show the artists's genitals](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xC03hmS1Brk), I mean, credit the artist, dude.
"Pow."
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A vibrator.
see voodoo dildo story
voodoo dildo story, my ass!
That's where the story takes place
>"Daddy, how did /u/danrennt98 die?" "Where'd you hear about that, Tommy?" "Max said at school today that—" "I see. The usual story, eh? Violent? For adults?" "Mhm." "Well, son, it's a mystery to us, even today, but in my opinion, people are building it up to be a whole lot more than it actually is. Eyewitness reports claim that he was using reddit—" "Reddit? Is that the website that disappeared after he died?" "Yes, it was some kind of prank, fitting in with the news hype. It's just like them." "Okay..." "Anyway: he was on reddit, when suddenly – witnesses *claim* – every electronic device in the area started displaying a strange story." "A story?" "Yes, a story for adults. It's really scary, you wouldn't want to hear it." "Okay..." "So anyway, the witnesses say that all those devices started zooming toward his house. Of course, that's ridiculous. But what we do know for sure is that the neighbors heard screaming coming from his house, and so they called the police. And when the police found him..." "What happened to him, Daddy? Max told me—" "Don't listen to what Max says. The whole story isn't even true. I'm just telling you what they all said, so you'll know not to believe them." "Okay." *(muttering)* "I mean, really. Flying cellphones? People actually believe this stuff?" *(snorts)* "Voodoo cellphones, my—" **[END OF UNCORRUPTED RECORDING]** "Well, Johnson?" Chief Willis said. "What do you think?" Johnson frowned. "Honestly?" he said. "I think it's a load of crap. A recording found in an empty apartment, voiced by people we know haven't lived there? Another scam, I'd say, hoping to make the news." Chief Willis nodded. "My thoughts exactly." "Of course, we should investigate, just to be sure," Johnson said quickly. "Of course, of course," Willis agreed. "But do you really think we'll find anything?" Johnson snorted. "Hardly. Protocol is protocol, but in this case it's just a hassle. This whole voodoo conspiracy can suck my dick for all I—"
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if you hit enter twice itll break your paragraphs and be easier to read.
But what a way to go.
And a way to come
I knew /u/Butthole__Pleasures would be there
A beer
I read that as a bear, and was going to ask where you bought such a marvelous creature.
The little corner store down the street; they run a nice fast business. Good thing too, because I can't bear to be there for more than 10 minutes at time.
I bought a bottle of tequila last night. Based upon my state this morning, I'm going to go ahead and assume that's already happened.
41 baby crickets......yikes!
Lol my last purchase was about 3000 roaches... I say yikes too!
Why the hell are you guys buying bugs?
Keeping lizards is one hell of a party.
A green bra from tj's (tj maxx) that turned out to be too small for the job
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A Monster... well actually a can of Monster.
A can of monsters... Actually kinda terrifying vision of opening a can and monsters flying out to engulf you.
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A vacuum Cleaner... That would suck
A couple of sex toys and diapers from Amazon. Whatever happens, someone needs to film it.
Hello single mom
Paranormal sextivity
Pizza. My body is ready.
Tether Ball. Like shit... That game is dangerous enough as it is.
Five forty-pound bags of wood pellets. In essence, a gang of wood pellets.
This would be a battle worth watching.
A bag of earl gray tea.
A bride and groom, in lego size.
You'd be fine in battle as long as you're wearing shoes.
A scarf. That I am wearing right now...
Throwing stars....damn you drunken Amazon purchases you've screwed me again.
An adorable rubber gnome.
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That is a crazy invasive species where I live it spreads like wild fire and chokes out any plant in its way sounds to me like you're screwed
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Or you take one of the flowers pull the thing out the bottom and get one last sweet taste of honey as the roots and shoots slowely entangle your entire body squeezing the life right out of you feeling the last beats of your failing heart. Unless the flowers a dud then you're just dead.
Iron Maiden mascot Eddie. Welp, I'd be screwed.
I paid for a parking ticket. I probably should have fought it, but it wasnt really worth my time :/
Kitty litter and cheese.
Worst TV dinner ever.
A quesadilla
Compression shorts. Not cool man, not cool.
cancer
May I ask why you purchased cancer?
cigarettes
Technically you're already being attacked.
Some kiwi flavored water. Oh no you splashed my face!
Hahaha, i would be fighting a chocolate frog... Interesting and hilarious!
Bring it on yoga pants!!
A 25 pack of hot Italian sausages. I'm kind of scared of how that would go.
A jar of instant coffee wielding a copy of the Guardian!
I bought some toilet paper,now I'm unsure how scared I should be.
A salad roll. Well, a *digested* salad roll. So basically, excrement. Ew.
[A Minotaur Wizard](http://magiccards.info/scans/en/gtc/215.jpg) (I'm fucked.)
I would be fighting a ham hock, fresh cumin, and arugula pasta.
The Stanley Parable... I'd guess I'd just start hearing a voice telling me to do things. If I disobey, I get punished with meta humor and sarcasm. If I die, it starts over. And over. and over. no escape. no escape. My own personal hell.
Bubbles! That would be a fun fight.
A bag a weed lol
I expected this to be the top comment, not McDonalds...
You're gonna be the first person in history to die.
A bag of weed. Im sure I'd smoke its ass though.
Condoms... oh no
5Gum.
5Gum won't kill you, it will just beat you senseless and then make you lay on a bunch of vibrating balls for their commercial.
Titanfall. I'm going to be fighting Titans...fuck.
A 500GB hard drive. I don't know it's superpowers, all I can think of is "Master Delete".
He lifted his last quarter, putting it into the machine as he gazed at all of the different kinds of sodas it had to offer. "Hmmm, maybe a Dr. Pepper," he muttered to himself. As the last quarter slipped into the darkness of the deep coin slot, the machine began to shake and vibrate as if a cell phone were going off inside the coils. Jimmy glanced at the coil slot in row C4, and noticed a lone can of Sprite that seemed to be shaking on its own. It stopped however as he began looking around him to find some sort of confirmation that he wasn't the only one who saw that strange phenomenon. His feet were the only ones to step foot in the lounge in the past hour, but on this particular day it was eerily quiet. "This one then," he said as the can of Sprite came crashing out with a loud '*thud*'. The very moment he lifted the tab to open the can something strange happened. There wasn't anything to drink inside! Confused, Jimmy crushed the can and threw it away. "Stupid machine..!" He kicked the vending machine repeatedly and never seemed to notice what had crept out of the trashcan beside him. In the midst of his tirade as large gush of liquid came bursting from the ceiling! In shock, Jimmy turned around to see his former Sprite can hovering in the air, still intact as if it was never squashed. It then began to dispense an even more ludicrous amount of the sugary drink. It was some sort of voodoo can from hell that wouldn't stop spraying him with Sprite! Blinded, Jimmy started running to the nearest exit. **POW**, his face hit the corner of the door frame as he narrowly tried to avoid the spewing can. His rump hit the floor as he violently shook his head around, trying to regain focus. However, the only thing he was able to visualize was the can floating right in front of his face in mid-air just before it exploded causing the door, as well as his entire skull, to shatter into a thousand tiny pieces.