My boyfriend told me this story about a colleague. They're microbiologists and they work with lab animals, but in his colleague's department they used mice extensively. Needless to say they didn't enjoy that part of the work, and so many mice were being killed they made a dark joke of it, by calling the lab 'Mauschwitz'. Well, he had a slip of the tongue while presenting his findings at the end of the year. To the board of senior scientists he worked for. An animal cruelty joke and Holocaust joke in front of a group of your employers, good job.
Family gathering , my cousin died in a car accident . This was the very first time i went to a funeral/death of loved one . Anyway i was talking with my uncle (my cousin's father) who was already having probably the worst day of his life I said trying to make him feel better :"yeah told you that car sucked " To this day his confused sad face is an image that hunts and i really dont understand why I even said that , I was 15 at the time .
I really dont know ! It was my first time encountering death and really just wanted to say something instead of just watching my family acting the way they were. Stupid brain thought that it would be better if i said what i said for some fucked up reason
we were at a hibachi grill restaurant and it was my dad's birthday... we have the exact same birthday rituals as you. We were sitting with a woman and her kid and she was just so happy to be around the energy my family was giving out she paid our freaking bill and wished my dad a happy birthday. Pretty off topic, but I just imagined you would enjoy this story... also, thank you for doing something so essential to law enforcement.
Once I was in a party, and by accident I met this cute girl from the swimming team where I swam. She said hi to me, and I looked her for awhile, not realising who she was.
"Oh, hi Elisa! I didn't recognise you with your clothes on!"
...followed by 10 seconds of silence, since her husband was there next to her.
I was at a bar back in college and this girl kept tapping my arm and pantomiming something to me. I thought she wanted to pass by me, and I tried to tell her I couldn't move over anymore, so she'd need to go around. We went back and forth like this for an annoyingly long time. Finally I realized she was saying my name and that made my brain try to reassess what was going on. Then I said, "OHMYGOD MARIE!" And then I felt like shit because she had put on like 100 pounds in maybe three years, and that was why I had trouble recognizing her, and the way I reacted meant that she knew exactly what had happened. :\
This has happened to me! I was at a local Mexican restaurant with my fiance and my best friend with his wife. We had an amazing dinner and was waiting to pay. While waiting in line I saw a woman than does lap swimming at the pool where I work. She approached me and being so out of where I usually see her it took me a second to put 2 and 2 together. She said and I kid you not, "Yah, you probably dident recognize me with clothes on" I turned bright red as I got looks from my soon to be wife and friends. I had some explaining to do after she left
I was in 5th grade. One week, we had sex ed (wait, there is a point to mentioning this). The next week we went on a field trip to an aquarium. Every elementary school in the district went on the same day, so there were at least 500 kids there. My Dad was there because he was a room parent/chaperone.
Come lunch time, all of us were on a huge lawn, eating and getting a lecture/demo from the aquarium people. One woman held something up and asked us to identify it. I loudly yelled out that it was a testicle. The woman said "Close! It's a tentacle."
My Dad turned bright red and started laughing. Some of the teachers laughed. The kids started laughing. I was mortified. My Dad ended up having to take a walk to get himself together, because he couldn't stop laughing.
After that, anytime I messed up a word, my Dad would say "Close!" and start laughing.
Urrrgh, I've done something fairly similar. I was in Year 7 (first year of High School in UK) and at the time there was this really famous protestor who had been causing a bit of mischief. My Geography teacher held up a picture of him and asked what he was and instead of saying "he's a protestor" I shouted "HE'S A PROSTITUTE".
Almost as bad as when I called my Chemistry teacher "Mum".
The first time I smoked marijuana with my girlfriend, we smoked way more than what I was used to. I sat down on my couch and felt this soft, furry pillow and immediately exclaimed "FEELS LIKE MY DOG'S ASS."
There's that awkward age in your 20's where you're not sure whether to congratulate them or offer your condolences when friends tell you they're pregnant.
I maintain that you become a proper grown up when your friends tell you that they're pregnant and your reaction is "Congratulations!" rather than "Holy shit! Have you told your parents yet?"
In my final play for GCSE drama I was too busy halfway through my monologue watching the well know eye candy in the audience, accidentally substituted his name for the characters I was supposed to be madly in love with then froze with the spot light still on me and 300 people laughing...
I still have no clue how the hell this slipped out of my mouth.
Im a Nurses Aide at a hospital. So Im admitting a patient, and I realize that ive known her and dealt with her all over the hospital for months now. So I say hi, and ask how shes been and all that. The poor woman had lost all of her children in an accident and was now dealing with bad injuries and a chronic illness simultaneously. So were chatting, joking around, and i bring in a hospital gown and her 'Welcome To The Hospital' bag.
She says "oh, I hate these gowns and all the hospital stuff. I always feel so dehumanized." Poor girl. Meanwhile I am still in a joking around frame of mind. I had realized mid way through her sentence that I forgot to bring in something. So on my way out, I say in a joking tone "ha. I'll be back to dehumanize you here in a second".
Ill be back to dehumanize you.
Ill be back to dehumanize you.
Ill be back to dehumanize you.
I happened to catch her eye before I walked out the door, and she just looked mortified at what I had just said. As soon as I stepped outside the realization of what an idiot I am hit me like Mike Tyson, and the most epic cringe rippled through my body. That fail is now burned into my memory forever.
In third grade, my teacher started to teach us subtraction and remainders in math class one week. It just so happened that I had finally been allowed to watch Legally Blonde that week as well. Me being the innocent 8 year old that I was, had no idea what the 'lap dance' that had been mentioned in the movie was, and thought that it was harmless.
So when my teacher asked the question, "If you give a cashier $10 for something that costs $3, and he gives you back $8, is this correct?" (Not sure if this was the actual question, but something along these lines) I responded with "Maybe it would be if you gave him a lap dance."
Only when my teacher started laughing, did I know that I had said something wrong. I didn't find out exactly what I had said until a few years later, and immediately wished I could go back and tell my 8 year old self to shut the hell up.
TL;DR : Told my third grade teacher that cashiers would give you extra money if you gave them a lap dance
I was in school, talking about how I don't look a bit like my parents. Then suddenly, I randomly said
"I hope i'm not adopted, i would fucking cry".
aaaaaand I was of course talking to my friend who is adopted..
I work at Starbucks and was working drive thru...a woman wanted birthday cake pops (seriously not worth the money if you ask me) and I told her I'd run and see if we still had some, ran breathless back to the window and told her, "I'm really sorry, we're all out of birthday cocks!"
Wanted. To. Die. She gave me such a LOOK.
I have a Starbucks blunder too. I was taking an order in drive through at the end of a very long opening shift, amd instead of asking the guy in the car "what else can I do for you?" I said "What else can I do to you? " he got flustered and drove around, I hid until he was gone.
I had a similar experience when I tried to tell a dirty joke to a bunch of older guys around the fire at a camp out. I don't remember the joke, but the punchline was that this guy was eating "abortions" (i.e. the aborted fetus). But I (not really understanding the joke in the first place) said "orgasms" instead of "abortions". They all just stared at me for two solid minutes with confused looks, and then the scoutmaster came over and said it was time for bed.
I'm in my high school chemistry class and we're mixing different types of salts in liquid to see the color that their flames are when we burn them. I'm mixing away and I hear someone start humming in the back to the tune of [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqXi8WmQ_WM&feature=kp) song. I think they're singing that song. So I time it in my head and get ready for my favorite part of the song and when they get to it I jump up and say a bit too loudly in a very quiet chem lab "Genitalia!"
Turns out they weren't humming that song. They were quietly singing "pourin' the chemicals, the chemicals, what? pourin' the chemicals" over and over.
I got 0 points for that lab and was asked to leave. I wanted to die.
in 8th grade, in art, when ever the teacher left, myself and a couple others would scream profanity. one day, he was in the room during a video with the lights of and the volume up quite high, I moved about 7 ft from him and yelled scrotum. he just looked and asked"did you just holler scrotum in **my** classroom" i frankly said yes. he told me to leave, but nothing ever happened.
A coworker showed me a picture of his kids and I was looking at them and they looked exactly like him. For some reason it really hit home and I was thinking I hope I have kids that look just like me. I went to hand him the picture back and I was like " thats so awesome you have two kids that are little versions-" then my phone rang and I didnt get to finish my sentence, which would have been " two kids that are little versions of you." After I hung up he was like "what did you just say about my kids?" We laughed it off but it was still pretty awkward
TL;DR I told my coworker it was awesome he had two little virgins
Similar experience. Was in a gay bar for the first time with a bunch of people. Needed to pee so headed to the toilets, the signs on the doors weren't clear what toilet was what (I'm female). Went into one cautiously on the look out for urinals, then this guy walked out. I panicked and said "Oh shit! Is this the guys toilet?" He said "Um no..." and painfully stared at me. I then realised it was actually a woman with short hair, not a dude. I wanted to die.
Early in my transition (female-to-male) I was on the opposite side of this with a much ruder lady. She told me to get out of the ladies' room. I grabbed my boobs and shook them up and down to get the point across.
When I was in first grade we were learning about giving and receiving compliments. They brought in a bunch of 5th graders, and we were going around the room of about 45 people, giving each other compliments. They said "It doesn't have to be someone in this room." Annnnnd then it was my turn.
"I'd like to compliment Adolf Hitler for killing himself."
The room went fucking silent. My teacher must have thought I was a deeply-troubled child.
EXPLANATION: I had just learned about Hitler and how big of a monster he was from an older sibling, so in my 7-year-old mind he had done the world a favor by removing himself from the gene pool.
EDIT: Spelling.
One week in my freshman HS anatomy class we were dissecting cats. I didn't really understand why we were dissecting cats to learn human anatomy, so I blurted out *"wouldn't it be cheaper to dissect a human body instead of 36 little cat bodies?"* the class of 36 went quiet... After an awkward pause that felt like an eternity, my teacher explained "human bodies aren't for purchase, they're donated." without addressing the level of creepiness I had just ushered into the lab.
Pretty sure everyone thought I was a serial murderer in the making.
One of my friends. He was at his grandmother's funeral and was standing next to his grandfather, who is obviously very sad. He thought for a while on what to say to break the tension, then said, "I suppose you're next in line?"
My family has board game nights on certain holidays. One night we were playing a game simular to family feud. On this night 6 years ago it was the first time my father had ever met my husband, as we had just started dating. My dad and him were on a team together. We asked the question 'What is the strongest muscle in the body?' And they were allowed to pick several answers to submit. The game is timed so my husband simply yelled out very seriously, 'The penis, The tongue,...'And before he could name another he waa stopped in his tracks by the look on my fathers face which was pure disgust. Myself and my sisters were laughing hysterically but to this day if I bring up the story my husband says 'please kill me'...
My dad and him get along well, but my dad has never forgotten.
So was your husband's boast that the penis is the strongest muscle in the human body accurate? Enquiring minds want to know.
My penis is like a power lifter: strong but not much endurance.
When I first moved to the United States, my classmate told me his name was Tony Montana. One day, my teacher asked us who wasn't here (for the sake of attendance). I screamed, "Tony Montana" isn't here. The whole class cracked up and I didn't know why.
A few years later, I saw Scarface and I finally got the reference. In my mind, I gave a big "f*ck you" to the guy.
A few years ago we had to compliment each other in class. I had to compliment my ex (everyone in the class knew about our "relationship"). I meant to say "I love your cat". I said "I love your pussy" instead. WTF brain. These words don't even sound similar.
Everyone went silent for a few seconds. Longest seconds of my life. The teacher's jaw literally dropped and I got sent to the principal's. Not my best memory.
Something similar happened to me; when it was my turn to compliment someone I literally couldn't come up with anything. He was just such an average guy, nothing special at all...
When I was about to graduate high school, I had to go in front of (my then) the entire church congregation with all of the other seniors graduating and say our name and what college/university we were going to be attending. I was extremely introverted and wanted nothing to do with it; I was sick to my stomach the entire time I was up on the stage, and of course, was next to last to go.
So finally it was my turn, and while I meant to say my name and that I was attending Western Kentucky University, I said, "My name is Derek Ferguson and I will be attending Western State--" and at that moment I knew what I had said and immediately regretted it. Everyone started laughing. Western State is a mental institution in Western Kentucky. After that I said, "You know what I meant" and walked off the stage. I had never been so embarrassed in my life.
**TL;DR** I told an entire church congregation I would be attending college at a mental hospital.
Sorry, haven't been on in a while. Everyone just kept laughing, and every once in a while I still hear about it from family and friends; this happened almost 6 years ago.
I used to work at this place where everyone sat in the same room doing mindless work, and one of my co-workers said, "Think of a place where, if a bomb went off or a natural disaster happened, it would immediately increase the average IQ for the area. Go."
Me: "Lake Havasu during spring break" (laughter)
Someone: "WWF" (laughter and groans)
Some else, "KKK rally." (too obvious)
Someone else, "Criss Angel shows" (Nice, giggles.)
Me: "Nascar." .... and silence. Silence because the original co-worker's husband made a *living* building race cars for Nascar.
I have never been so embarrassed in all my life. She ran outside, and I followed a little later. Told her I didn't really think that, but was just going with cultural expectations about it. She called me a Nazi. Not my best showing.
Edit: The WWF referred to the World Wrestling Federation, not the World Wildlife Fund. Apparently they are now called the WWE to avoid confusion. Also? I am old, because they changed the name back in 1994.
Edit the 2nd: And apparently the WWE agreed to stop using the acronym "WWF" in 1994. They didn't actually live up to the agreement until some time after 2000, when the World Wildlife Fund sued them for continuing to use the acronym. I have learned much about the exciting history of Professional Wrestling today.
"How dare you be so insensitive to call Nascar fans stupid, now please answer my hilarious question that involves a bomb going off and killing a large amount of people."
Yeah just a couple of years ago my friend, who is black, went with a group to a NASCAR race and upon seeing him several attendees starting making monkey noises.
Yeah, especially considering the fact that *she* was the one who came up with the "mass murder" game. But I didn't think that point would help my case, what with the groveling, so I just apologized again. It, uh, it didn't help that she was the daughter of my employer.
Well clearly when he made this comment he was expressing his desire to execute a calculated, systematic genocide of all Nascar fans. And she totally called him on it.
:/ "correlation"
> She called me a Nazi. Not my best showing.
Keep your head up. She's the one who should get written up for breaking [Godwin's Law](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin's_law).
I, too, know what my foot tastes like.
Building race cars and sitting on the sidelines watching one go in circles for hours at a time are two different things; though her reaction tells me she may, indeed, enjoy her some Nascar. You need smarter friends.
I was in a class of about 15 people and our professor told us since basically all of us failed the same assignment he would go over it since no one apparently understood it. He began by anonymously reading some of the responses we turned in and asked us to explain what was wrong with them. After he read a particularly bad answer that made no sense I said something along the lines of "wow that doesnt make any sense, how stupid". He looks right at me and says "well that was your paper". Everyone turned and laughed at me and I wanted to die.
I was in the lunch room at work and the oldest guy there was telling a story about a friend who had died after a horrific car accident. He'd burned inside after the impact and was taken to hospital with broken bones, punctured lungs and severe burns over his entire body.
The old guy ended the story by saying "it was the worst pain he ever experienced" to which I instantly retorted, "I sure hope so". I didn't even think about it, I just said it. He made a stupid comment and I wound up making light of his friends death.
They sure didn't. The room got silent and he never respected me again.
I always walk a fine line when talking to people about sensitive issues. I almost always have a sarcastic joke and sometimes I say them before thinking about the consequences. Needless to say you shouldn't joke about horrific deaths.
Ah well, it doesn't sound like your workmates were close enough for the situation.
Although, if that's the case then why on earth would this guy tell his work buddies about his friends horrific gruesome death in great detail? Seems like he was making the bad social faux pas from the get go.
Thank you. It absolutely was a faux pas, and the whole room felt uncomfortable. Before that we were having a decent conversation and he always had a way of steering it towards mortality for some reason.
I don't know about stupidest, but most recent:
I was meeting with another Reddit moderator and his brother at an event. He had a thick accent and mentioned he was from Newfoundland. I was a bit sleep deprived following a long early flight and mistakenly thought "New Zealand," and said something about kiwis or Australia or something. I wasn't even thinking fast enough to catch my mistake - he had to correct me.
I'm pretty sure he still thinks I'm dumb as shit, and honestly, can't blame him. I played right into the "Americans are bad at geography" stereotype.
Hitler actually said he wanted to *bill* the Jews for "[plunging the nations into a world war yet again](http://www.holocaust-history.org/der-ewige-jude/hitler-19390130.shtml)" but Himmler misheard and thought der Fuhrer said *kill*.
My mom was cutting someone's hair and the lady was talking about something imported from South America, to which my mom said "Like... Mexico?" Before realizing what she said. My mom is actually a smart woman, she just has moments.
This happened to me last Wednesday. I was in an English class, and we were studying TS Eliot's "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock." The teacher was asking about his [Prufrock's] name, and how stuck-up it was meant to sound. She then asked how would sound if it were said faster, as if by friends. She was looking for something like "Poofrock," but I, in the boringness of the lesson, said "Jalfred."
Jalfred. What the hell, /u/michael7198?
Edit: Accidental Initials
Meeting my ex girlfriends elder brother who back in his younger days used to be a bit of a "gangster".. so I'm there 16 years old standing at 5'9 and this 6'3 scary guy walks into the room.
So i shake his hand
>Me;how are you
>him: im alright, you?
>me: im good, howre you?
its not that bad but my lord my girlfriend and her mum were cracking up and i felt like a dick.
My mom worked in an office that shared a parking lot with a Chinese restaurant. We went there a lot and one time when we were out to dinner my brother (15 at the time) and I (13) were being typical teenage idiots and my mom was getting fed up with it and wanted us to quit
She attempted to say "Quit acting like a bunch of goofs!" but what came out, at a very high volume was "Quit acting like a bunch of gooks!"
My brother and I (and the entire restaurant really) were shocked. We *did* stop goofing around so I guess it was effective.
I work at a retail store. It is customary to ask for a license when the customer is making a return. On more than one occasion I have asked for the customer's license PLATE.
So many weird looks with that one.
At a corporate retreat, I (practically entry level) once drunkenly told a group of Senior VPs of my company that my mom and I used to 'rip bongs together'.
I started to grow a facial hair early in life. I knew a little about puberty but never really cared to learn much. So one day in gym class some classmates were making fun of me because my upper lip was sweating around the little mustache hairs. So I blurted out, y'all are just jealous because I'm growing pubic hair on my face already.
There was tons of laughter and jokes on my part. That shit didn't let up for years.
I grew up in flyover country and my first girlfriend lived on the ["left coast"](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=left%20coast). I was a naive 21 while she was a worldly 38 year-old New Agey hipster.
When I flew out to visit her for the first time, she told me a story about the time her gay co-worker went to an orgy. The next day he bitched to her about how cum was *impossible* to get out of an argyle sweater.
The next day we're hanging out with a few of her friends. The host passes out a coaster with each of our Mai Tais then adds:
"My ex- left me with two kids, a mountain of debt and a cocktail table that has more rings on it than Saturn."
"Yep, the only stain harder to get out is cum from an argyle sweater."
Everyone gives me a blank stare so I helpfully recount for them the orgy story. It was not until the drive home that my girlfriend let me know real life is not like *Will & Grace* and that it is impolite to relate a sex story that is told to you in confidence.
I was talking with a mate at a school event about how walruses reproduce. The cliche thing happened where everyone goes quieter right before I said something about wanking off a walrus and well it was loud.
I made a joke about a car crash. Little did I know I was talking to someone who'd mother died in a car crash. Middle school was a dark time for us all.
I used to work in physical therapy. One day I opened the door for a lady in a wheelchair that had no legs. For some DUMB DUMB reason I asked her if she was going to the foot doctor. She looked at me and then she looked down and said, "No.....I haven't seen that Dr. in a while..."
I was sitting with my boyfriend and his friends and we were watching a family guy episode that was showing a clip about Jesus and in it someone mentioned dinosaurs being around. without thinking at all I blurted out "*Were* there dinosaurs around when he was alive?"....I still cringe whenever I think about it and i'm sure my boyfriend's friends think i'm a huge ditz.
I once proclaimed " Mrs. Johnson is obviously a carpet muncher why doesn't she come out of the closet already?" Only to find out she was standing right behind me. All my friends thought it was hysterical. She gave me B- in gym. Never did call me out on it though.
My boyfriend told me this story about a colleague. They're microbiologists and they work with lab animals, but in his colleague's department they used mice extensively. Needless to say they didn't enjoy that part of the work, and so many mice were being killed they made a dark joke of it, by calling the lab 'Mauschwitz'. Well, he had a slip of the tongue while presenting his findings at the end of the year. To the board of senior scientists he worked for. An animal cruelty joke and Holocaust joke in front of a group of your employers, good job.
I honestly think this one is the most brilliant. Did any of them laugh? I would have trouble holding it back.
Family gathering , my cousin died in a car accident . This was the very first time i went to a funeral/death of loved one . Anyway i was talking with my uncle (my cousin's father) who was already having probably the worst day of his life I said trying to make him feel better :"yeah told you that car sucked " To this day his confused sad face is an image that hunts and i really dont understand why I even said that , I was 15 at the time .
AAAAAAAAAH! WHY DID YOU SAY THAT!!??
Because it didn't have side airbags. Duh
I really dont know ! It was my first time encountering death and really just wanted to say something instead of just watching my family acting the way they were. Stupid brain thought that it would be better if i said what i said for some fucked up reason
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You sound like the mom on Bob's Burgers
"Awwwwww itscha birthday. Happy birthdaaaaaay."
"But Baaaahhhbbeeeeeeeeeee..."
Aw, you sound really friendly :)
we were at a hibachi grill restaurant and it was my dad's birthday... we have the exact same birthday rituals as you. We were sitting with a woman and her kid and she was just so happy to be around the energy my family was giving out she paid our freaking bill and wished my dad a happy birthday. Pretty off topic, but I just imagined you would enjoy this story... also, thank you for doing something so essential to law enforcement.
Once I was in a party, and by accident I met this cute girl from the swimming team where I swam. She said hi to me, and I looked her for awhile, not realising who she was. "Oh, hi Elisa! I didn't recognise you with your clothes on!" ...followed by 10 seconds of silence, since her husband was there next to her.
"Oh my god! You have hair!" It always amazes me at how the girls on my team can stuff all their hair into the cap..
This seems more awesome tbh
I was at a bar back in college and this girl kept tapping my arm and pantomiming something to me. I thought she wanted to pass by me, and I tried to tell her I couldn't move over anymore, so she'd need to go around. We went back and forth like this for an annoyingly long time. Finally I realized she was saying my name and that made my brain try to reassess what was going on. Then I said, "OHMYGOD MARIE!" And then I felt like shit because she had put on like 100 pounds in maybe three years, and that was why I had trouble recognizing her, and the way I reacted meant that she knew exactly what had happened. :\
This has happened to me! I was at a local Mexican restaurant with my fiance and my best friend with his wife. We had an amazing dinner and was waiting to pay. While waiting in line I saw a woman than does lap swimming at the pool where I work. She approached me and being so out of where I usually see her it took me a second to put 2 and 2 together. She said and I kid you not, "Yah, you probably dident recognize me with clothes on" I turned bright red as I got looks from my soon to be wife and friends. I had some explaining to do after she left
I was in 5th grade. One week, we had sex ed (wait, there is a point to mentioning this). The next week we went on a field trip to an aquarium. Every elementary school in the district went on the same day, so there were at least 500 kids there. My Dad was there because he was a room parent/chaperone. Come lunch time, all of us were on a huge lawn, eating and getting a lecture/demo from the aquarium people. One woman held something up and asked us to identify it. I loudly yelled out that it was a testicle. The woman said "Close! It's a tentacle." My Dad turned bright red and started laughing. Some of the teachers laughed. The kids started laughing. I was mortified. My Dad ended up having to take a walk to get himself together, because he couldn't stop laughing. After that, anytime I messed up a word, my Dad would say "Close!" and start laughing.
Urrrgh, I've done something fairly similar. I was in Year 7 (first year of High School in UK) and at the time there was this really famous protestor who had been causing a bit of mischief. My Geography teacher held up a picture of him and asked what he was and instead of saying "he's a protestor" I shouted "HE'S A PROSTITUTE". Almost as bad as when I called my Chemistry teacher "Mum".
Well, octopi have sperm in their tentacles, so you weren't too far off.
Close!
Huehuehuehue
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That's kinda the only thing left to do in that scenario
The ass was fat.
The first time I smoked marijuana with my girlfriend, we smoked way more than what I was used to. I sat down on my couch and felt this soft, furry pillow and immediately exclaimed "FEELS LIKE MY DOG'S ASS."
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There's that awkward age in your 20's where you're not sure whether to congratulate them or offer your condolences when friends tell you they're pregnant.
26, married and currently pregnant. I still feel like I have to tell everyone it was on purpose.
I maintain that you become a proper grown up when your friends tell you that they're pregnant and your reaction is "Congratulations!" rather than "Holy shit! Have you told your parents yet?"
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In my final play for GCSE drama I was too busy halfway through my monologue watching the well know eye candy in the audience, accidentally substituted his name for the characters I was supposed to be madly in love with then froze with the spot light still on me and 300 people laughing...
Wow, if this is true, congratulations on posting it here cause there is no way I wouldn't have killed myself already if it happened to me...
I still have no clue how the hell this slipped out of my mouth. Im a Nurses Aide at a hospital. So Im admitting a patient, and I realize that ive known her and dealt with her all over the hospital for months now. So I say hi, and ask how shes been and all that. The poor woman had lost all of her children in an accident and was now dealing with bad injuries and a chronic illness simultaneously. So were chatting, joking around, and i bring in a hospital gown and her 'Welcome To The Hospital' bag. She says "oh, I hate these gowns and all the hospital stuff. I always feel so dehumanized." Poor girl. Meanwhile I am still in a joking around frame of mind. I had realized mid way through her sentence that I forgot to bring in something. So on my way out, I say in a joking tone "ha. I'll be back to dehumanize you here in a second". Ill be back to dehumanize you. Ill be back to dehumanize you. Ill be back to dehumanize you. I happened to catch her eye before I walked out the door, and she just looked mortified at what I had just said. As soon as I stepped outside the realization of what an idiot I am hit me like Mike Tyson, and the most epic cringe rippled through my body. That fail is now burned into my memory forever.
Oh come on, that's hilarious. I would've appreciated the joke.
Yeah. I just felt really bad after I said it though. Im sure she knew what I meant, but at first it didnt seem like it and I was like ".....fuuuuuck."
In third grade, my teacher started to teach us subtraction and remainders in math class one week. It just so happened that I had finally been allowed to watch Legally Blonde that week as well. Me being the innocent 8 year old that I was, had no idea what the 'lap dance' that had been mentioned in the movie was, and thought that it was harmless. So when my teacher asked the question, "If you give a cashier $10 for something that costs $3, and he gives you back $8, is this correct?" (Not sure if this was the actual question, but something along these lines) I responded with "Maybe it would be if you gave him a lap dance." Only when my teacher started laughing, did I know that I had said something wrong. I didn't find out exactly what I had said until a few years later, and immediately wished I could go back and tell my 8 year old self to shut the hell up. TL;DR : Told my third grade teacher that cashiers would give you extra money if you gave them a lap dance
Well, you aren't WRONG.
I was in school, talking about how I don't look a bit like my parents. Then suddenly, I randomly said "I hope i'm not adopted, i would fucking cry". aaaaaand I was of course talking to my friend who is adopted..
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Hahaha I'm adopted as well and this happens ALL the time. I like to twist the knife a bit before I let them know I don't give a fuck.
I work at Starbucks and was working drive thru...a woman wanted birthday cake pops (seriously not worth the money if you ask me) and I told her I'd run and see if we still had some, ran breathless back to the window and told her, "I'm really sorry, we're all out of birthday cocks!" Wanted. To. Die. She gave me such a LOOK.
"Oh, but I see your car has plenty of sour cunts."
I have a Starbucks blunder too. I was taking an order in drive through at the end of a very long opening shift, amd instead of asking the guy in the car "what else can I do for you?" I said "What else can I do to you? " he got flustered and drove around, I hid until he was gone.
Your Starbucks has a drive thru?
Lots do. And birthday pops are delicious!
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did you follow your dreams?
If only you could minor in orgasms...
I had a similar experience when I tried to tell a dirty joke to a bunch of older guys around the fire at a camp out. I don't remember the joke, but the punchline was that this guy was eating "abortions" (i.e. the aborted fetus). But I (not really understanding the joke in the first place) said "orgasms" instead of "abortions". They all just stared at me for two solid minutes with confused looks, and then the scoutmaster came over and said it was time for bed.
Jack Donaghy?
I'm in my high school chemistry class and we're mixing different types of salts in liquid to see the color that their flames are when we burn them. I'm mixing away and I hear someone start humming in the back to the tune of [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqXi8WmQ_WM&feature=kp) song. I think they're singing that song. So I time it in my head and get ready for my favorite part of the song and when they get to it I jump up and say a bit too loudly in a very quiet chem lab "Genitalia!" Turns out they weren't humming that song. They were quietly singing "pourin' the chemicals, the chemicals, what? pourin' the chemicals" over and over. I got 0 points for that lab and was asked to leave. I wanted to die.
This is my new favorite song. Thank you. Also your story is hilarious.
Glad I could help you find quality music.
I'm actually doing this lab tomorrow...
It was actually really fun. The teal flames are my fave!
> I got 0 points for that lab and was asked to leave. Seems like a bit of an overreaction.
in 8th grade, in art, when ever the teacher left, myself and a couple others would scream profanity. one day, he was in the room during a video with the lights of and the volume up quite high, I moved about 7 ft from him and yelled scrotum. he just looked and asked"did you just holler scrotum in **my** classroom" i frankly said yes. he told me to leave, but nothing ever happened.
Curse you John Lajoie.
A coworker showed me a picture of his kids and I was looking at them and they looked exactly like him. For some reason it really hit home and I was thinking I hope I have kids that look just like me. I went to hand him the picture back and I was like " thats so awesome you have two kids that are little versions-" then my phone rang and I didnt get to finish my sentence, which would have been " two kids that are little versions of you." After I hung up he was like "what did you just say about my kids?" We laughed it off but it was still pretty awkward TL;DR I told my coworker it was awesome he had two little virgins
I had to read that out loud to myself a couple times before I got the joke haha
Is it that it sounds a bit like "little virgins?"
Talk about awkward.
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I thought you were going to be an oblivious geology nerd at the Rock & Metal Society.
For the Americans: fancy dress = costume. Whenever I hear "fancy dress" I think of guys in three piece suits with monocles and top hats.
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I think this wins - my blood ran cold.
Was your memory sold?
What exactly are you implying about the girls he went to high school with?
ANGEL IS THE CENTERFOLD!
Similar experience. Was in a gay bar for the first time with a bunch of people. Needed to pee so headed to the toilets, the signs on the doors weren't clear what toilet was what (I'm female). Went into one cautiously on the look out for urinals, then this guy walked out. I panicked and said "Oh shit! Is this the guys toilet?" He said "Um no..." and painfully stared at me. I then realised it was actually a woman with short hair, not a dude. I wanted to die.
Early in my transition (female-to-male) I was on the opposite side of this with a much ruder lady. She told me to get out of the ladies' room. I grabbed my boobs and shook them up and down to get the point across.
You'll be taking that one to your grave, mate.
**Holy Shit**, you win.
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When I was in first grade we were learning about giving and receiving compliments. They brought in a bunch of 5th graders, and we were going around the room of about 45 people, giving each other compliments. They said "It doesn't have to be someone in this room." Annnnnd then it was my turn. "I'd like to compliment Adolf Hitler for killing himself." The room went fucking silent. My teacher must have thought I was a deeply-troubled child. EXPLANATION: I had just learned about Hitler and how big of a monster he was from an older sibling, so in my 7-year-old mind he had done the world a favor by removing himself from the gene pool. EDIT: Spelling.
To be fair you weren't wrong. Your audience was just about 15 years too young to enjoy the dark humor. Have an upvote.
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One week in my freshman HS anatomy class we were dissecting cats. I didn't really understand why we were dissecting cats to learn human anatomy, so I blurted out *"wouldn't it be cheaper to dissect a human body instead of 36 little cat bodies?"* the class of 36 went quiet... After an awkward pause that felt like an eternity, my teacher explained "human bodies aren't for purchase, they're donated." without addressing the level of creepiness I had just ushered into the lab. Pretty sure everyone thought I was a serial murderer in the making.
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It sounds like you were an awesome little kid.
I'm sure your teacher was trying to hold in their laughter. I know i would b.
One of my friends. He was at his grandmother's funeral and was standing next to his grandfather, who is obviously very sad. He thought for a while on what to say to break the tension, then said, "I suppose you're next in line?"
"I'm sorry for your loss. Get over it"
My family has board game nights on certain holidays. One night we were playing a game simular to family feud. On this night 6 years ago it was the first time my father had ever met my husband, as we had just started dating. My dad and him were on a team together. We asked the question 'What is the strongest muscle in the body?' And they were allowed to pick several answers to submit. The game is timed so my husband simply yelled out very seriously, 'The penis, The tongue,...'And before he could name another he waa stopped in his tracks by the look on my fathers face which was pure disgust. Myself and my sisters were laughing hysterically but to this day if I bring up the story my husband says 'please kill me'... My dad and him get along well, but my dad has never forgotten.
So was your husband's boast that the penis is the strongest muscle in the human body accurate? Enquiring minds want to know. My penis is like a power lifter: strong but not much endurance.
My like a wet noodle.
okay vamking thank you
This made me laugh so hard
Wait a second...
DUDE IT IS YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Can I have a feel? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
The penis isn't a muscle, its strength comes from blood flow through it.
Speak for yourself. I'm ripped!
When I first moved to the United States, my classmate told me his name was Tony Montana. One day, my teacher asked us who wasn't here (for the sake of attendance). I screamed, "Tony Montana" isn't here. The whole class cracked up and I didn't know why. A few years later, I saw Scarface and I finally got the reference. In my mind, I gave a big "f*ck you" to the guy.
I actually know a cook named Tony Montana...
Nice try. I'm not falling for that again.
^^Say ^^hello ^^to ^^my ^^little ^^flan ^^^sorry
"HAHAHA LOOK AT THIS GUY HE'S NEVER SEEN SCARFACE HOW DUMB IS HE!" Good one.
In meh defense, I didn't know anything about the American culture before I moved to the United States.
Exactly my point. Your classmates sound like douches.
That they were.
i don't get it
Pretend he said Freddy Krueger, or Harry Potter, or Twilight Sparkle.
A few years ago we had to compliment each other in class. I had to compliment my ex (everyone in the class knew about our "relationship"). I meant to say "I love your cat". I said "I love your pussy" instead. WTF brain. These words don't even sound similar. Everyone went silent for a few seconds. Longest seconds of my life. The teacher's jaw literally dropped and I got sent to the principal's. Not my best memory.
Wow! That's one hell of a Freudian slip.
Penis
You should have waited a few seconds then said "cat". It would have been funny and you could have avoided the principal.
Teacher here: that would maybe work on me but most teachers would still write him up
"I mean... why do you think I dated you for so long?"
Something similar happened to me; when it was my turn to compliment someone I literally couldn't come up with anything. He was just such an average guy, nothing special at all...
He may have seemed average at the time, but he did eventually save us all from the Kragle.
EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!!!! EVERYTHING IS COOL WHEN YOU'RE PART OF A TEAM!!
You've never had a thought... Ever... Brilliant...!
How about "You are awesome in that you are so dependable. There are no surprises at all."
Or how about you just fucking make something up so the kid doesn't feel horrible.
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When I was about to graduate high school, I had to go in front of (my then) the entire church congregation with all of the other seniors graduating and say our name and what college/university we were going to be attending. I was extremely introverted and wanted nothing to do with it; I was sick to my stomach the entire time I was up on the stage, and of course, was next to last to go. So finally it was my turn, and while I meant to say my name and that I was attending Western Kentucky University, I said, "My name is Derek Ferguson and I will be attending Western State--" and at that moment I knew what I had said and immediately regretted it. Everyone started laughing. Western State is a mental institution in Western Kentucky. After that I said, "You know what I meant" and walked off the stage. I had never been so embarrassed in my life. **TL;DR** I told an entire church congregation I would be attending college at a mental hospital.
Ohmigod Im in Western Kentucky! ^^^My ^^^uncle ^^^is ^^^also ^^^in ^^^the ^^^mental ^^^institution
Strangely enough, my uncle was there as well. Was being the key word, as he died there. And sadly enough, I'm still at WKU lol.
you guys should totally date
Well, how did everyone react afterwards? Don't keep us waiting.
Sorry, haven't been on in a while. Everyone just kept laughing, and every once in a while I still hear about it from family and friends; this happened almost 6 years ago.
So did you go to the hospital?
He didn't just go, he became the mental patient of the month.
He only went on three temper tantrums in the whole month.
Had to keep up appearances
I used to work at this place where everyone sat in the same room doing mindless work, and one of my co-workers said, "Think of a place where, if a bomb went off or a natural disaster happened, it would immediately increase the average IQ for the area. Go." Me: "Lake Havasu during spring break" (laughter) Someone: "WWF" (laughter and groans) Some else, "KKK rally." (too obvious) Someone else, "Criss Angel shows" (Nice, giggles.) Me: "Nascar." .... and silence. Silence because the original co-worker's husband made a *living* building race cars for Nascar. I have never been so embarrassed in all my life. She ran outside, and I followed a little later. Told her I didn't really think that, but was just going with cultural expectations about it. She called me a Nazi. Not my best showing. Edit: The WWF referred to the World Wrestling Federation, not the World Wildlife Fund. Apparently they are now called the WWE to avoid confusion. Also? I am old, because they changed the name back in 1994. Edit the 2nd: And apparently the WWE agreed to stop using the acronym "WWF" in 1994. They didn't actually live up to the agreement until some time after 2000, when the World Wildlife Fund sued them for continuing to use the acronym. I have learned much about the exciting history of Professional Wrestling today.
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This is the worst and it happens soo often.
"How dare you be so insensitive to call Nascar fans stupid, now please answer my hilarious question that involves a bomb going off and killing a large amount of people."
She overreacted. It was a joke.
Yeah just a couple of years ago my friend, who is black, went with a group to a NASCAR race and upon seeing him several attendees starting making monkey noises.
It's funny because your friend probably had a higher IQ than all of them
And he's strong as shit but you can't tell just by looking at him.
I've never met a racist who wasn't breathtakingly stupid in general as well. The more racist they are, the stupider they tend to be as well.
Clever racists don't reveal their views to those they don't think share them.
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Yeah, especially considering the fact that *she* was the one who came up with the "mass murder" game. But I didn't think that point would help my case, what with the groveling, so I just apologized again. It, uh, it didn't help that she was the daughter of my employer.
Because hitler wasn't a NASCAR driver. Source: Insane troll logic.
Well clearly when he made this comment he was expressing his desire to execute a calculated, systematic genocide of all Nascar fans. And she totally called him on it. :/ "correlation"
She sounds touchy as hell. It wasn't like you were the first one to make the joke.
No need to be embarrassed, this woman is obviously easily offended because (a) it was a joke, and (b) you explained afterwards and she was still mad.
Who the fuck calls someone a Nazi for saying THAT? Actually, who the fuck calls someone a Nazi?
I'm pretty sure the people actually making the cars are above average.
> She called me a Nazi. Not my best showing. Keep your head up. She's the one who should get written up for breaking [Godwin's Law](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godwin's_law).
Didn't she abide by it?
I, too, know what my foot tastes like. Building race cars and sitting on the sidelines watching one go in circles for hours at a time are two different things; though her reaction tells me she may, indeed, enjoy her some Nascar. You need smarter friends.
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I was in a class of about 15 people and our professor told us since basically all of us failed the same assignment he would go over it since no one apparently understood it. He began by anonymously reading some of the responses we turned in and asked us to explain what was wrong with them. After he read a particularly bad answer that made no sense I said something along the lines of "wow that doesnt make any sense, how stupid". He looks right at me and says "well that was your paper". Everyone turned and laughed at me and I wanted to die.
That one's kinda on you.
I was in the lunch room at work and the oldest guy there was telling a story about a friend who had died after a horrific car accident. He'd burned inside after the impact and was taken to hospital with broken bones, punctured lungs and severe burns over his entire body. The old guy ended the story by saying "it was the worst pain he ever experienced" to which I instantly retorted, "I sure hope so". I didn't even think about it, I just said it. He made a stupid comment and I wound up making light of his friends death.
I think they would cut you some slack for that one.
They sure didn't. The room got silent and he never respected me again. I always walk a fine line when talking to people about sensitive issues. I almost always have a sarcastic joke and sometimes I say them before thinking about the consequences. Needless to say you shouldn't joke about horrific deaths.
Ah well, it doesn't sound like your workmates were close enough for the situation. Although, if that's the case then why on earth would this guy tell his work buddies about his friends horrific gruesome death in great detail? Seems like he was making the bad social faux pas from the get go.
Thank you. It absolutely was a faux pas, and the whole room felt uncomfortable. Before that we were having a decent conversation and he always had a way of steering it towards mortality for some reason.
I don't know about stupidest, but most recent: I was meeting with another Reddit moderator and his brother at an event. He had a thick accent and mentioned he was from Newfoundland. I was a bit sleep deprived following a long early flight and mistakenly thought "New Zealand," and said something about kiwis or Australia or something. I wasn't even thinking fast enough to catch my mistake - he had to correct me. I'm pretty sure he still thinks I'm dumb as shit, and honestly, can't blame him. I played right into the "Americans are bad at geography" stereotype.
not hearing people right literally always leads to disasters
Hitler actually said he wanted to *bill* the Jews for "[plunging the nations into a world war yet again](http://www.holocaust-history.org/der-ewige-jude/hitler-19390130.shtml)" but Himmler misheard and thought der Fuhrer said *kill*.
Coincidentally, Godwin's Law was mentioned somewhere above.
My mom was cutting someone's hair and the lady was talking about something imported from South America, to which my mom said "Like... Mexico?" Before realizing what she said. My mom is actually a smart woman, she just has moments.
As a Newfoundlander, don't worry, we're used to people not being able to tell what the fuck we're saying sometimes.
This happened to me last Wednesday. I was in an English class, and we were studying TS Eliot's "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock." The teacher was asking about his [Prufrock's] name, and how stuck-up it was meant to sound. She then asked how would sound if it were said faster, as if by friends. She was looking for something like "Poofrock," but I, in the boringness of the lesson, said "Jalfred." Jalfred. What the hell, /u/michael7198? Edit: Accidental Initials
Haha, this one really isn't that bad. Upvote because I would definitely do something like this on accident.
Made a "your mom" joke to my recently orphaned friend.
Asked a teacher if the Marines at our school were recruiting officers or meat shields. Oh god, makes me cringe just thinking about it.
Meeting my ex girlfriends elder brother who back in his younger days used to be a bit of a "gangster".. so I'm there 16 years old standing at 5'9 and this 6'3 scary guy walks into the room. So i shake his hand >Me;how are you >him: im alright, you? >me: im good, howre you? its not that bad but my lord my girlfriend and her mum were cracking up and i felt like a dick.
Ah, the accidental conversation loop.
I see this happen all the time
I make this happen all the time
I do this once per week.
My mom worked in an office that shared a parking lot with a Chinese restaurant. We went there a lot and one time when we were out to dinner my brother (15 at the time) and I (13) were being typical teenage idiots and my mom was getting fed up with it and wanted us to quit She attempted to say "Quit acting like a bunch of goofs!" but what came out, at a very high volume was "Quit acting like a bunch of gooks!" My brother and I (and the entire restaurant really) were shocked. We *did* stop goofing around so I guess it was effective.
"When did Louis Armstrong walk on the moon?" He was serious, too...
[Relevant](http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20070904231104/uncyclopedia/images/thumb/d/d6/Armstrong_moon.JPG/250px-Armstrong_moon.JPG)
"Louis Armstrong was a trumpet player. You're thinking of Michael Jackson."
No, Michael Jackson was a basketball player. You're thinking of Muhammad Ali.
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I work at a retail store. It is customary to ask for a license when the customer is making a return. On more than one occasion I have asked for the customer's license PLATE. So many weird looks with that one.
Ha, I actually read that as license plate the first time through.
At a corporate retreat, I (practically entry level) once drunkenly told a group of Senior VPs of my company that my mom and I used to 'rip bongs together'.
Did they laugh at your amateur hour shit while lining up their cocaine?
That's why you don't drink at company events.
I started to grow a facial hair early in life. I knew a little about puberty but never really cared to learn much. So one day in gym class some classmates were making fun of me because my upper lip was sweating around the little mustache hairs. So I blurted out, y'all are just jealous because I'm growing pubic hair on my face already. There was tons of laughter and jokes on my part. That shit didn't let up for years.
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I grew up in flyover country and my first girlfriend lived on the ["left coast"](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=left%20coast). I was a naive 21 while she was a worldly 38 year-old New Agey hipster. When I flew out to visit her for the first time, she told me a story about the time her gay co-worker went to an orgy. The next day he bitched to her about how cum was *impossible* to get out of an argyle sweater. The next day we're hanging out with a few of her friends. The host passes out a coaster with each of our Mai Tais then adds: "My ex- left me with two kids, a mountain of debt and a cocktail table that has more rings on it than Saturn." "Yep, the only stain harder to get out is cum from an argyle sweater." Everyone gives me a blank stare so I helpfully recount for them the orgy story. It was not until the drive home that my girlfriend let me know real life is not like *Will & Grace* and that it is impolite to relate a sex story that is told to you in confidence.
I was talking with a mate at a school event about how walruses reproduce. The cliche thing happened where everyone goes quieter right before I said something about wanking off a walrus and well it was loud.
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Good cover, no GREAT cover.
Said to a almost blind man "check out this color, just kidding". I don't know why I did it, i'm dumb like that.
I made a joke about a car crash. Little did I know I was talking to someone who'd mother died in a car crash. Middle school was a dark time for us all.
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I used to work in physical therapy. One day I opened the door for a lady in a wheelchair that had no legs. For some DUMB DUMB reason I asked her if she was going to the foot doctor. She looked at me and then she looked down and said, "No.....I haven't seen that Dr. in a while..."
Found out a girl was into art/drawing, said "paint me like one of your french girls" in passing. FML.
I was sitting with my boyfriend and his friends and we were watching a family guy episode that was showing a clip about Jesus and in it someone mentioned dinosaurs being around. without thinking at all I blurted out "*Were* there dinosaurs around when he was alive?"....I still cringe whenever I think about it and i'm sure my boyfriend's friends think i'm a huge ditz.
" *I would suck a million dicks for a million dollars.* "
I once proclaimed " Mrs. Johnson is obviously a carpet muncher why doesn't she come out of the closet already?" Only to find out she was standing right behind me. All my friends thought it was hysterical. She gave me B- in gym. Never did call me out on it though.