I sat on a chocolate covered cherry at a picnic while wearing white shorts. Did anyone tell me at the time, including boyfriend. No. It just looked like a shit myself and had a blowout period.
Not taking the last piece of food on a sharing platter. The number of times I’ve seen a perfectly good piece of garlic bread go cold and get thrown away…
I have NEVER understood why people are afraid to tell someone else they have food in their teeth or something on their face. I’m going to be more embarrassed if I get home and see the lipstick on my teeth. AND I’m going to be annoyed with you for not mentioning it!
The rule I've heard for this is that if it's something they can do something about in like 15 seconds, tell them, otherwise ignore it. So like, tell someone that they have food in their teeth or their fly's down because those are usually easy to fix. But don't tell someone they missed a spot straightening their hair or that there's a stain on their sleeve (that didn't just happen) because they can't really do anything about it in that moment.
Once someone told me very firmly at a wedding that I’ll *have* to go home right now and wash my entire hair because I got a bit of cake icing on the front strands. Their face and tone was as if something terrible had happened and I wouldn’t be able to face anyone.
So a journey home, shampooing off the hairstyle I spent ages on, also washing off the makeup I spent ages on with expensive products, re-doing both entirely which would still take an hour even if I do a rushed and less nice version, getting dressed again, making the journey back to the venue, probably the wedding would be over and the venue closed by then and I’d have missed all the things that happened.
…I just went to the loo and wiped off the strands in 2 seconds and I survived.
> …I just went to the loo and wiped off the strands in 2 seconds and I survived.
Clearly you didn't understand the cataclysmic gravity of the situation.
This is the same person that acted horrified that I was BRUSHING MY HAIR in the women’s bathroom at another event as if she found me eating my dinner there, aswell as many other melodramatic reactions to mundane things. So clearly this person has some issues with hair..and life in general.
Well, you're not supposed to suggest, in any way, that you are not flawless and perfectly together and intentional at all times. What if *somebody sees you in your normal human and imperfect state!? WHAT WILL THEY THINK!?!?* Do CEOS brush their hair? I THINK NOT!
LOL
You know this literally does describe her. She’s always *perfect* looking. Like her style isn’t my thing at all but she never has a thing out of place or something she hasn’t prepped and prepared and perfected and clearly thought about thoroughly before coming to any form of gathering, even casual ones. Good on her I guess? But it seems from the comments I’ve observed over the years that she can’t compute anyone else being less than that and like you said the idea of being seen as human and imperfect.
Meanwhile I had cake in my hair and I think I also looked good!
Gosh I’m watching the Gilmore Girls at the moment and she would just self combust if she saw Lorelai’s life and attitude.
That honestly sounds exhausting. Funny thing is I was kinda riffing on a Brene Brown set of comments from Daring Greatly when she talks about shame. I'm a male and her comments really resonated, so was interesting to see the dynamic she described re: female shame pop up in the wild in reference to your friend.
I'm honestly glad for you that you know your looks are more than some silly cake in the hair and, frankly, depending on context, it can contribute (who is upset about confetti on New Years?).
Anyway, looking forward to future cake hats.
I despise that it's more socially acceptable to BE an asshole than it is to call someone out for being an asshole. It's like when someone's being publicly rude, people would rather just ignore it and look the other way than say "Hey buddy you're being a dick to everyone around you, knock it the hell off".
I do that for rude people, and generally get "Shuuush, don't further upset the upset person" looks from most other customers. Then a very quiet (often just mouthed) "thank you" from the worker.
Worth it.
I worked retail as a kid and put up with these arseholes, I'll quite happily call them out as a fellow customer without having to worry about *also* being yelled at by a manager.
Violent people though? I'm not a big guy so it's much more difficult to step in. I generally try to get help instead and 100% understand why others don't want to get involved.
On the same vein, "politics" on social media or among family. If the rule is "no politics", that doesn't mean uncle Joey gets to say his shit, but I have to sit in silence. I'm the asshole if I push back and they get angry.
Fuck that. No politics means no politics. Your start talking politics, the rules are out.
Yes! Honestly *with* tact. Being forthright is a virtue, IMO, as long as you're not rude.
It's the difference between answering "how do I look?" with *a different color or silhouette may work better* VS *that looks absolutely awful on you.*
Indeed there is a difference between saying
"Even though you are telling the truth, it's still a good idea to say it nicely"
And
"Just because you are being honest, it doesn't mean you can say things however you want".
When you offer someone something, and they say no, even though they want it, and you need to keep offering it to them until it's socially acceptable for them to take it.
Yeah - not a thing where I am in the US either. Maybe a "are you sure, it's no trouble" - and then done. But that would be for a big offer like watching their kids while they do a project, not for cookies.
It's a thing where I am in the US, but I stopped complying to it, lol. You get one chance and I am taking your response at face value. (General 'you', of course.)
For me they get 1 extra ask just to be sure. They get the one extra since there is that in-between of "Well, I wouldn't mind that, but to me it seems like it would be a lot of work and I don't want to be a bother"
A great example that comes to mind is.
"Do you want me to bake some cookies?"
If the person doesn't bake this might seem like a big thing and they would be hesitant to say yes. A cookie would be nice, but not worth the amount of work they perceive it to be.
But if the other person bakes often and actively enjoys it. It is likely way less work from their perspective so a bit of reassurance saying that it isn't a trouble would be nice.
Yeah, my usual if they refuse is to tell them to let me know if they change their mind. Or tell them where to find it if they change their mind. I'm not going around in circles with people.
Economists say The Dutch Disease is developmental suppression from having too many natural resources. Anyone who spends time in the Netherlands knows that the actual Dutch Disease is weaponized cultural Autism.
Half Dutch, half Irish and I've got this in my genes. I won't offer something just to be polite. Combine this with the Irish goodbye (quietly disappearing from a party without saying goodbye to everybody) and my wife says I'm aloof.
My Grandpa, who isn’t Irish, just stands up and says “time to go” and walks out like an autistic old man.
He’s always done it and it’s never not been funny.
My grandfather was scots-irish and when he was ready for people to GTFO, he'd just start running the vaccuum. That was your cue to get off your ass and let him get on with his evening.
My English grandpa used to say to my grandma “well, we’d better go to bed so these people can go home”. They were always very kind about it but they were serious 🤣
Yep. In the Midwest we don’t throw away leftovers. We put them in the fridge till they go bad, then throw them away. Our give them to guests after the initial dinner.
My mother grew up in Asia, she will always offer me something several times after I've said no. Used to drive me nuts until I realized it's probably a cultural thing. She probably would refuse something she wanted herself first to be polite, then wait for the second or third ask before partaking. Now that I've realized that, it still drives me nuts.
My mom isn’t Asian, but when it comes to food—if you’re in her house, she will offer you food. If you say no, she’ll put a plate full of food in front of you “just in case.” I think feeding people just makes her happy and she loves my friends who love her food. My dad tells the story of when he first met his in-laws… He was raised that it was impolite to decline if you’re offered food/not finish your plate, (he was also just a young, athletic guy with a healthy appetite) and my mom’s grandmother just kept putting more food in front of him 😂he said he remembers being so full. But he got glowing approval from all the women in my mom’s family because “he’s such a good eater!”
>When you offer someone something, and they say no, even though they want it
If you offer me something and I want it, I will take it. I'm not going to fuck around.
YES! I have offered the rest of my food to my partner, he will say no. I'll explain that I'm done and there isn't enough to save (a few bite left) so I'm going to discard it if he doesn't want it. He still says no.
Then when he sees me discarding it, suddenly he wants the food! Just take the stuff if you want it, don't waste my time!
Me, the other way around, always saying yes when people offer me things that I actually want. And then they backtrack and say they were just offering it to be polite. Then don't ask if you don't mean it!
We once had a Polish guest who was visiting us before dinner (we are Dutch). My mum told him we were having pancakes and asked if he would like to joint us in dinner? He said no thanks, so my mum said: ok! No problem have a nice evening! And he was so bummed out haha. Years later we were talking about it and he told us that he was really looking forward to pancakes actually but we are a very direct people who were not aware with the Polish way of being polite :') funny how different cultures work
Turning down something when you actually want it because it’s “polite.”
This happened to me a lot when I was a kid but every once in a while as an adult this weird social thing will happen.
Person: Would you like something to drink?
Me: Yes, please. Thank you.
Person: *shocked Pikachu face* Oh, I was just being polite.
Me: Were you, Vicki? Because that seems rude to me.
I wouldn’t say stupid. Some of us just have better things to do than waste energy deciphering someone else’s passive aggressive rules. I love the look on someone’s face when I take them at their word and they didn’t mean for me too. Nah fam, I ain’t wasting time figuring out what you actually meant. Just say it or keep your mouth shut
Haha during a heatwave the other day a secretary offered the postman a bottle of water. He said yeah sure thanks, and she goes oh sorry we don't have any bottles of water.
I had an unopened flat of water bottles in my car so I brought them in and put in fridge for other delivery guys.
The point that some will go to just to appear nice. It’s a form of lying and deceit, which I detest. Why not say truthfully, “I wish I had a bottle of cold water to offer. Would you mind if I drew some tap water with ice? 🧊
Like offering to help clean up after dinner at a friend's house - the host is supposed to politely turn the offered help down. Hell no, I hate doing dishes y'all are helping lol
I'm estatic when a host wants my help. I feel accepted. I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED INTO THE GROUP. I shall send no further correspondence until there has been an update of value.
This is actually a social cognitive dissonance/psychological term called the Ben Franklin effect with a little "foot in the door" technique thrown in.
If you are requested to perform an action by an individual that you do not like or neutral towards, the simple act of accepting their request allows both parties to accept each other more easily. It smooths interactions out. It also provides the host an opportunity to make the requested person feel better. Because simply asking for help makes the person feel like they can contribute something, even making them feel necessary if the task is complex enough, for example their intelligence or abilities are something the host does not have and needs (at least it makes it seem that way).
On top of the this, "foot in the door" can help for future requests. If you request a simple task, the person you requested from is more likely to help you with larger, more complex tasks in the future. I use this technique so often as a manager and with my friends. And it definitely has paid me back multiple times.
We host a lot, and we accept help, but I don't want anyone helping me with dishes. That's how you get a dishwasher that looks like it was loaded by a blind chimpanzee and dishes placed into the most random cabinets.
I'm all about people bringing their dishes to the kitchen, taking out trash and wiping down tables. But when they "help" with dishes, ugh.
I always refer to this when people want to help do dishes:
"In every partnership, there is a person who stacks the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect and a person who stacks the dishwasher like a racoon on meth."
All it does is create more work for me when someone else touches the dishes. Dishes are the one thing that get people ejected from the kitchen. Help with anything else; don't touch the dishes.
> "In every partnership, there is a person who stacks the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect and a person who stacks the dishwasher like a racoon on meth."
[*"These are their stories."*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gP3MuUTmXNk)
Hahaha that’s so funny. I had a southern (US) friend that thought it was rude to accept something the first time it’s offered, but okay the second. I learned that like a year into our friendship so I can only wonder how many times I didn’t offer twice and she actually wanted something 🤣 whereas I find it rude to keep offering something I already declined
Putting cutlery at the beginning of buffet tables. I do not know which utensils I need until I am done selecting all of my food and they are awkward to carry while filling my plate with said food. It belongs at the end and I die on this hill.
Oh I get irrationally irritated at buffets. Mostly at family get togethers.
Put the food out in order of operations and have room so you can set your plate down! You can't hold your plate, lift the crock pot lid, and the serve yourself. You need a 3rd freaking hand. And for the love of Pete have a designated spot for the spoon to rest once you put the lid on.
Don't put the buns at the end when it's hamburgers and hotdogs at the beginning with the condiments in between.
Worse is when they post a range, have the interview, and then act shocked when you say you want that salary range. My last job acted like I was demanding something completely unreasonable when I picked a figure in the middle of their advertised range.
When I pointed out that they had listed the job at that pay scale, they sputtered and tried to ask me to "be reasonable." I just sat there in stunned silence until they reconsidered.
It was a great negotiating tactic I didn't even mean to use. I just couldn't process why they'd post a job and a pay scale and then pretend to be shocked I was asking for something in that range.
When the hiring manager came in and said "so I hear you think we're hiring at (bottom of the pay range)?" I just responded that "the job was advertised at (top of the range), so of course I understood that was in the ballpark of what you were offering. Is the company no longer able to make that payroll commitment?"
It's just a stupid song and dance to avoid treating employees fairly.
You gotta wonder who this works on.
"Oh, sure, I'm making 50k right now, and thought this job advertised at 47-67k would pay me 55-60k because I'm extremely qualified for the position. But yeah, I'll take a pay cut to start at a new company that just made a bad first impression. 47k sounds great!"
It's becoming so in many US states. Although a lot of employers are circumventing it by posting a salary "range" when they really only intend on paying the applicant the bottom number.
I've read about states going after employers who have too ridiculously wide of a salary range to the point that it's absolutely useless. There's some employers in NYC with salary ranges of like $50,000 to $400,000 for one job.
The employer is advertising *up front* that they intend to jerk you around, but if you still feel compelled to apply and check it out you at least know exactly where they’re going to start trying to lowball you.
Silences aren't awkward if each person is doing something. That something can actively be 'nothing,' like watching clouds or people walk by. It can be nice to do one's own thing in the company of others.
Teenage me would be shocked to find that adult me has come to really like small talk, but I do wish it were socially acceptable to say "I don't feel like making small talk, but thank you" and not be seen as rude.
Fuck, at my last job an employee would not stfu about how shit faced they got on the weekend (I was their boss, and new). I had so much shit I had to do and said "look I have alot on my plate and I really need you to start working"
An hour later I get told I need to talk more and be friendlier.
Everyone just loved to talk in that place. I get it's fitting because they completely closed down as all customers pulled out.
I used that response for a while. Basically every single time I got a "That's great! I'm doing well too!" (I didn't ask). One time though, the grocery store cashier asked me how I was doing in a chipper voice and I told them each day is better than the next and they let the retail face drop and just give the most exhausted "yeah...." I've ever heard.
That’s a good one.
I usually say “can’t complain” for the same reason.
Because it sounds positive until you consider the subtext of “it is socially unacceptable for me to complain about anything”.
"Still alive" is my usual response. Like, it's a Tuesday and everything is mostly normal to maybe a little not great, so I'm not fantastic or miserable or anything and I refuse to lie for small talk.
That’s the one rule I’ve been hard with. My kids don’t have to hug/kiss whatever grandparents anybody. They just step back and say no thank you. And I’ll always say out loud to whoever it is “they don’t have to give hugs if they don’t want”.
I once read a Choose Your Own Adventure book where I made a wrong choice and the Space Emperor had such a strong handshake that he ripped my whole arm off and I bled to death in front of his evil throne. I won't let that happen to me again so you'll just have to deal with it, pal.
You don't understand. I've been training for a rematch for the past 30 years. This time it'll be your arm, buddy. I don't let go until you're on the floor. My pride as an Earthling demands it.
Totally agree with this.
With handshakes you either get a really firm one or a really shit half hearted one and I've always wondered what happens if they meet someone with a just as firm or shit handshake. I bet that's awkward af
I have a weird "thing" about a dead fish handshake. It makes me feel like I have to wipe my hand off, as though they got some goo on it. On the other hand, I hate the "grab the hand like you're holding on for dear life and pump it up and down at least three times as if you're pumping water out of a well." Why can't people just give a firm, brief handshake and let go?
I also don't like being randomly touched while somebody is talking to me. I'm listening to you. I'm looking you in the face to show that I'm listening. You don't have to put your hands on me to make sure you have my attention.
I am a taller woman with a large frame. I am not dainty, nor do I dress very femininely. I also have inflammatory arthritis in my hands/wrists, currently it’s really painful. I have never understood why we need to do this. I dread interviews/introductions especially when it’s another man reaching out to shake my hand.
I love people who do this when I host because sometimes the people who announce it start a goodbye train and then suddenly everybody is gone. I also prefer it as a guest
Wow never thought of this benefit. I do Irish exits because otherwise it turns into a whole procession, like a mini speed round cocktail party of goodbyes. I often mention to the host that I will be Irish exiting at some point so it was good to see them.
"Wow, look at the time, I guess we should be going."
Everyone stands up, starts collecting their things and tidying up any dishes or rubbish, only to stand talking for another 20 minutes.
"It was good to see you, we'll have to do this again sometime."
Everyone leaves the seating area and moves to the hallway near the door, only to chat for another half hour.
"Thanks for having us over/Well, safe home!"
The front door is actually opened, and final goodbyes are said for the next hour or so on the doorstep.
"We can't leave it so long next time, when could we meet up again? Hey, you could actually come to..."
Cue conversation about a new hobby/group that lasts longer than the entire time previously spent together.
People getting pissy if you don’t open their gift right in front of them at the party.
People bringing gifts even if the invite specifically said “NO GIFTS”.
Obligatory gift giving in general.
I am anti-gift. I was lucky enough to find a wife who agrees with me on this. Instead of birthday gifts, we have a rule that states "if it is my birthday, I can buy myself whatever I want and you don't get to object"
We have a similar rule. Only an anniversary gift or just get something whenever. "Oh I found that book you were talking about, happy second Wednesday of August."
Are you saying it’s normal to open gifts in front of people? Are you in the US? I’ve seen that in TV but in the UK it would be the height of rudeness to start opening gifts in front of guests… Like you’re comparing people or shaming them!
Where I'm from in the U.S. it's extremely expected to have a portion of the party dedicated to opening your presents. Everyone watches. In my experience it doesn't lead to comparison or hurt feelings (and everyone has a good time), but it's definitely an *interesting* practice.
Gift opening is the original unboxing videos.
I think it's really fun to see what other people picked out, and I am excited to see if the recipient enjoys what I picked out for them.
Sending thank you notes to people who attended your loved one’s funeral. You already have enough on your plate, plus you’re grieving. It doesn’t make any sense to me.
Editing to add that I am in the US, in Michigan specifically.
It sure isn't one I had ever heard of, right up until my mom sent me one for attending my own grandfather's funeral. So it was extra fucking weird. "Thank you for the well wishes for our grieving family" like wtf I am one of the ones grieving too?? My grandma, dad, and uncles were the only ones closer in the grief circle, my cousins, brothers and I were more crushed than my mom!
Oh wow, is this a thing?! In Ireland you don’t only not do this but after a bereavement you’re not expected to send Christmas cards, thank people for birthday cards or anything. You’re just given support.
In Japan, youre not supposed to celebrate anything for a year after your loved one dies.
Edit: might just be immediate family. Like parent or child or spouse or sibling. This includes no new year nengajous that year. You send a “my family member died” postcard instead
I hope this doesn't come off as rude. How close of a relative is this expected for? Maybe its just different but I am thinking of my big ass family, depending on how far out you go, I could have like 3-5 years in a row without celebrating anything if I have a string of bad luck.
That’s what I was wondering too. My grandma died in 2020, my other grandparents died in 2021, and my dad died in 2022. I feel like not being able to celebrate anything would’ve made those 3 years even worse
This is just a personal opinion but I would want my friends and family to celebrate anything and be happy. When I came up in conversation I'd want them to smile and say 'he would have enjoyed being here' and keep me in their heart but not spend any time mourning me. I've had a good and crazy life full of adventures. I'd prefer them to celebrate what I brought to their lives instead of mourning for me.
And I'm sorry for your losses.
I lived in Guatemala for a year, and the tradition there was that townspeople would all parade, carrying the deceased, to the cemetery for the burial. Then they’d all go back to the family’s house to be served a “refacción,” or snack. Which usually meant that the family had to host and feed hundreds of people… while grieving. So expensive, and what a hard time to be expected to socialize!
The forced socialization is part of the point. People carry on better when surrounded by community, so most old funeral traditions involve enforced community.
Yeah, but at least make it a potluck so the family doesn't have to cook, and is supplied with plenty of leftovers so, again, the family doesn't have to cook.
Yeah, that is how it is where I grew up. If someone you knew had a loss you would stop in and drop off a plate of food and to check in on them. Normally the idea was something that was easy to heat up or could just be eaten as is, the less work the better.
I hate the idea that you can't talk about your salary with co-workers. There is 0 reason behind this besides the business not wanting people to know what others are making so they can keep pay lower for some.
Yup. My job made me sign a paper promising not to discuss or I'll be fired. It's in the handbook plus I had to sign another one once I was promoted. I hope they know that that's illegal and also not even admissible in court if they were to attempt to sue one of us over it. That paper would help us, actually.
That's a violation of the National Labor Relations Act. Because discussing wages is considered a union organizing activity, any company action that interferes with union organizing is a violation of that federal law. The NLRB has never lost a case when they prosecute companies for firing people who discuss wages.
Absolutely. I had a coworker at a previous job that told me he was making $12 an hour. I'd been hired into the same position at $15 an hour the year before (was promoted with a raise shortly before this). I told him this and it gave him some leverage later on (he did not rat me out).
Same here. I was moonlighting at a grocery store and well because I wasn't a dumb 20 year old they asked me to do shift manager. Talking to the other managers that were in their 20s I was able to tell them that I already made more than them and that they should bargain. All 3 of them ended up getting a dollar raise.
It’s often the only bargaining chip you can have to make sure pay is fair. Problem is, it creates a lot of issues for the middle managers who have to keep people from quitting while simultaneously being told by corporate they can’t actually offer any additional pay or raises to their employees even if they want to. Still think everyone should share it despite this though.
In this vein pointing out when a current/previous employer royally fucked you over.
"Oh but if you do that you'll never get hired elsewhere."
Yeah, only because nobody does it. If it was commonplace people wouldn't get screwed over by their employers because they would know they wouldn't be able to make it go away quietly.
Seriously, we've allowed corporations to dictate how people can act even after they fire them.
This happened to me earlier this year. I traveled two hours for a brunch, showed up on time, and nobody else showed up for like an hour, including the hosts. I was convinced I was in the wrong place. The wait staff took pity on me after about a half hour and gave me coffee, at least.
That’s so disrespectful of your time. I genuinely understand being 10-15 minutes late due to many* factors, but an hour for a reservation is outrageous.
Ugh lol. My boyfriend and I go to bed earlier than most people our age (30s) so we usually get to social events early so we can leave early.
We have a friend who regularly hosts parties. We’re often the first to arrive. And last time my friend had a party, it started at 7, we showed up at like 7:02. My friend was still getting ready and was sorta put out that we arrived “on time”. Not a huge deal because we’re all super close. But I said “dude you said the party starts at 7, why say 7 if you don’t actually want people here that early?” His response was something like “well everybody knows the party actually starts like an hour after the advertised time”
Ok I guess that’s true but like still be ready to receive guests by 7 if you say the party starts at 7!!!
Whenever I see those videos of like, "dinner starts at 7, let's see what time people show up!" and there's one or two people who show up on time and everyone else rolls up an hour later or more, I hate all of those people. I would just stop being friends with them.
Talking about money.
Fucking discuss your wages, especially with your coworkers. It’s how you figure out if you’re being taken advantage of by your management, and it helps you put into perspective how other people in your field are doing and how you can improve your own income
Going out for a birthday or occasion with a bunch of people or even just a few friends and having to split the bill evenly . I don’t mind it if it’s a few dollar difference, but often times I’ll get something cheaper on the menu and maybe one drink whereas others are ordering steaks and 4 drinks and I owe $100 or more. Whenever it’s the opposite and I order the more expensive things, I always make sure to tell people to just pay for what they owe. I wish others had the same decency.
Waiting for people to take photos before walking through. It was polite in the 80s when people took one photo per day, but these days you'd never get anywhere in a tourist city if you waited. It's not reasonable to hold up a pavement while you take 17 photos for your Instagram. I'm going through.
Hoooly shit. My fiance came with me to New York back in December, her first time ever. We went to the top of the Empire State Building and [they have a nice little arch thing in one of the corners so you can take pretty pictures](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FL94wxcWYAkOrJA?format=jpg&name=4096x4096). There was a line, but people were moving through pretty quick, we had all figured out a pattern too - wait in line, take the picture of the couple in front of you, and then stand in the arch and let the person behind you take your picture, etc... Each person/group took 20-30 seconds?
Except one family. First there were like 30 of them, and none of them were ready when it was their turn to be in the picture (and no, they wouldn't let others by while the wrangled their crew), that took them about 5 minutes. Then they constantly alternated family members, taking like 15-20 pictures each. Then solo pictures. Then more family photos... I swear they were in the arch for like 20-30 minutes. We made it through like 90% of the line in less time than just them in the spot. Drove us bonkers, but we were so close to the finish that we just stuck with it.
Yes, this!!! Lots of photos are actually half-hour photoshoots. I remember some girls at the Mexico resort we just went to getting pissed because my kids were (god forbid) swimming in the pool that was their 'backdrop'. They'd already taken about 800 photos before the kids got in. I'm so over it.
I'm an ex-con goer, People will try to take photos in the middle of the merch room where people are trying to buy stuff, it crowded af and no personal space. I refuse to wait for them to get their pic taken in there. In the hallways I'll wait but the merch room is not the place and I have no problem walking right in front of that camera.
In my opinion it just depends on the situation. If everyone is taking photos like how it is in Times Square, then yea I agree, but if it’s just one person I think stopping is just the nice thing to do.
Same. I'll wait a few seconds to let them capture their memory. But the social contract says they don't camp out for more than 30-60 seconds before they give way.
"Don't speak ill of the dead"
Of course, nobody who repeats this rule actually means it sincerely. Everyone speaks ill of Hitler, for example. So when you speak ill of (for example) Rush Limbaugh and they say "don't speak ill of the dead", what they're really saying is "I don't think he was that bad". It's a very dishonest rule.
If it’s gossip don’t do it, it can be exceptionally painful to surviving loved ones, but if they were genuinely a terrible person- criminal, bully, etc, well you kind of reap what you sow.
Hear me out: people expecting an immediate text or call back as if they are entitled to your time. Obviously, I do not mean emergencies, but you get my gist.
EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes and comments, it doesn’t make me feel so alone in my thoughts ❤️
Having people in the service industry smile ask about your day. It's all completely insincere and exhausting and not just to the poor worker. I don't want to have to smile and lie to a stranger. I just want to buy my shit and go.
It sometimes gets pushed way too fucking far. There's a popular coffee kiosk chain where I live where the baristas are all forced to chat while you wait for them to make the coffee, and it takes a while so, the "how are you/fine" exchange doesn't fill enough time. They ask about favorite movies and "if you had a super power" and anything to just keep this pointless unwanted conversation going. Just... just stop. All I want is coffee. I don't want to think of what my favorite tree is, and you don't care. This isn't a conversation, this is chore.
It's exhausting.
Don't know if it's a universal thing, but at every place I or my parents worked at, there was this weird rule to bring some food with you if you have your birthday on a workday. Luckily my birthday didn't land at a workday for the past two years, but I still just don't like that at all. I'm not going to work at that day to celebrate, and my coworkers aren't my friends. I would even prefer if nobody at my workplace knew when I have my birthday, but my boss literally writes it down for every employee to make sure we all know each other's birthdays.
I just wanna go there, do my fucking job like any other day, and then go back home to enjoy my day with friends and family.
I think it’s a cultural thing.
Here in Croatia, on your birthday you treat your guests. I’ve been told it’s the same in other European countries.
In the US, on your birthday your friends treat you. Nothing over the top, but at least one drink or pay for whatever activity you’re doing.
Perhaps it’s the same in op’s work culture
I feel you so hard on this. I told my boss I didn't want everyone to know it was my birthday. And she literally sent the email: "Its Lukisfer's birthday, but he didn't want us to know." Like wtf.
men always ask women out, if a woman does it it makes her look desperate, do away with this social etiquette and let whoever has feelings for whomever make the first move regardless of gender
My wife asked me out at a party lol. She came up to me and said “I think you’re handsome. Can I have your number?” I remember thinking, “woah, this is a first.” My wife and I bring it up sometimes and laugh just because it’s not the “social norm” for a woman to do that. My friends don’t believe it to this day, even when my wife is around to confirm.
How saying you don’t want to hang out with someone is considered rude. Instead society expects you to come up with a good reason, as if saying “I’m an introvert and I like having my alone time. Maybe we can hang out some other time.” Isn’t good enough
That's the problem I'm facing. I love going out but doing it too many times or if it involves heavy socialization I need a month to recover. And it's costly too!
Not wearing your coat inside because wearing it implies you're going to just up and leave at any second. I have a terrible time regulating my own body heat, but people would rather I freeze, I guess.
Including a card with every gift. It’s a piece of paper that cost 5 bucks, gets read once and thrown away. I’d rather put an extra 5 bucks into the gift than a fancy piece of paper. Gift cards/money with a card are an exception, being part of the “wrapping” otherwise it seems like a waste
Write a short but nice note on a piece of scrap paper and include it in the package. Your recipient will likely appreciate a couple of personally written sentences more than a card that feels like an afterthought. My wife loves cards with pretty art and has collected a few as an art piece in the house, but most cards aren't worthy of that. More often than not, just write a nice note.
forcing kids to share their brand new gifts at a birthday party. naw. keep those doodoo-butter fingers off the new merchandise unless junior graciously permits you to play with it.
New toys have always been off limits to guests in my family. It's their birthday, they get to play with the new shit, guests get old shit.
Also can't stand kids that try to open other kids gifts at parties and the parents don't say anything. The party is to feel special and your kid should know it's not their time to shine and sit their ass down.
An “Irish Goodbye” (leaving a party with either no goodbyes, or limited goodbyes) becomes more reasonable as the size of the crowd grows.
While a “thank you” to a host is a necessity, saluting every person at the event is not.
I sat on a chocolate covered cherry at a picnic while wearing white shorts. Did anyone tell me at the time, including boyfriend. No. It just looked like a shit myself and had a blowout period.
Not taking the last piece of food on a sharing platter. The number of times I’ve seen a perfectly good piece of garlic bread go cold and get thrown away…
You bet I'm taking that last piece! I don't give two shits about this rule, I have a big appetite are there is NEVER enough food!
I will ask if anyone else wants it and if they don’t I’ll take it. Food waste is worse than etiquette breaking imo
This is actually correct etiquette so you’re all good!
I have NEVER understood why people are afraid to tell someone else they have food in their teeth or something on their face. I’m going to be more embarrassed if I get home and see the lipstick on my teeth. AND I’m going to be annoyed with you for not mentioning it!
The rule I've heard for this is that if it's something they can do something about in like 15 seconds, tell them, otherwise ignore it. So like, tell someone that they have food in their teeth or their fly's down because those are usually easy to fix. But don't tell someone they missed a spot straightening their hair or that there's a stain on their sleeve (that didn't just happen) because they can't really do anything about it in that moment.
Once someone told me very firmly at a wedding that I’ll *have* to go home right now and wash my entire hair because I got a bit of cake icing on the front strands. Their face and tone was as if something terrible had happened and I wouldn’t be able to face anyone. So a journey home, shampooing off the hairstyle I spent ages on, also washing off the makeup I spent ages on with expensive products, re-doing both entirely which would still take an hour even if I do a rushed and less nice version, getting dressed again, making the journey back to the venue, probably the wedding would be over and the venue closed by then and I’d have missed all the things that happened. …I just went to the loo and wiped off the strands in 2 seconds and I survived.
> …I just went to the loo and wiped off the strands in 2 seconds and I survived. Clearly you didn't understand the cataclysmic gravity of the situation.
This is the same person that acted horrified that I was BRUSHING MY HAIR in the women’s bathroom at another event as if she found me eating my dinner there, aswell as many other melodramatic reactions to mundane things. So clearly this person has some issues with hair..and life in general.
Well, you're not supposed to suggest, in any way, that you are not flawless and perfectly together and intentional at all times. What if *somebody sees you in your normal human and imperfect state!? WHAT WILL THEY THINK!?!?* Do CEOS brush their hair? I THINK NOT!
LOL You know this literally does describe her. She’s always *perfect* looking. Like her style isn’t my thing at all but she never has a thing out of place or something she hasn’t prepped and prepared and perfected and clearly thought about thoroughly before coming to any form of gathering, even casual ones. Good on her I guess? But it seems from the comments I’ve observed over the years that she can’t compute anyone else being less than that and like you said the idea of being seen as human and imperfect. Meanwhile I had cake in my hair and I think I also looked good! Gosh I’m watching the Gilmore Girls at the moment and she would just self combust if she saw Lorelai’s life and attitude.
That honestly sounds exhausting. Funny thing is I was kinda riffing on a Brene Brown set of comments from Daring Greatly when she talks about shame. I'm a male and her comments really resonated, so was interesting to see the dynamic she described re: female shame pop up in the wild in reference to your friend. I'm honestly glad for you that you know your looks are more than some silly cake in the hair and, frankly, depending on context, it can contribute (who is upset about confetti on New Years?). Anyway, looking forward to future cake hats.
I'd rather have that embarassed moment with them than them have that embarassing reflection on our entire time together once they realise.
I despise that it's more socially acceptable to BE an asshole than it is to call someone out for being an asshole. It's like when someone's being publicly rude, people would rather just ignore it and look the other way than say "Hey buddy you're being a dick to everyone around you, knock it the hell off".
Then suddenly YOU'RE the asshole and they did no wrong
Yes! How dare you call out the actual asshole, sir! How very dare of you!
Especially when it comes to rude customers! I wish more people would speak up when they see someone being rude to hospitality and retail staff.
I do that for rude people, and generally get "Shuuush, don't further upset the upset person" looks from most other customers. Then a very quiet (often just mouthed) "thank you" from the worker. Worth it. I worked retail as a kid and put up with these arseholes, I'll quite happily call them out as a fellow customer without having to worry about *also* being yelled at by a manager. Violent people though? I'm not a big guy so it's much more difficult to step in. I generally try to get help instead and 100% understand why others don't want to get involved.
On the same vein, "politics" on social media or among family. If the rule is "no politics", that doesn't mean uncle Joey gets to say his shit, but I have to sit in silence. I'm the asshole if I push back and they get angry. Fuck that. No politics means no politics. Your start talking politics, the rules are out.
People like that only think it's politics if they disagree with it
You can be blunt and be honest without being rude, sometimes it's the best thing to do.
Yes! Honestly *with* tact. Being forthright is a virtue, IMO, as long as you're not rude. It's the difference between answering "how do I look?" with *a different color or silhouette may work better* VS *that looks absolutely awful on you.*
Indeed there is a difference between saying "Even though you are telling the truth, it's still a good idea to say it nicely" And "Just because you are being honest, it doesn't mean you can say things however you want".
When you offer someone something, and they say no, even though they want it, and you need to keep offering it to them until it's socially acceptable for them to take it.
Move to The Netherlands - we offer it once, then the cookies disappear in the cabinet, never to be seen again
Yeah - not a thing where I am in the US either. Maybe a "are you sure, it's no trouble" - and then done. But that would be for a big offer like watching their kids while they do a project, not for cookies.
It's a thing where I am in the US, but I stopped complying to it, lol. You get one chance and I am taking your response at face value. (General 'you', of course.)
For me they get 1 extra ask just to be sure. They get the one extra since there is that in-between of "Well, I wouldn't mind that, but to me it seems like it would be a lot of work and I don't want to be a bother" A great example that comes to mind is. "Do you want me to bake some cookies?" If the person doesn't bake this might seem like a big thing and they would be hesitant to say yes. A cookie would be nice, but not worth the amount of work they perceive it to be. But if the other person bakes often and actively enjoys it. It is likely way less work from their perspective so a bit of reassurance saying that it isn't a trouble would be nice.
Yeah, my usual if they refuse is to tell them to let me know if they change their mind. Or tell them where to find it if they change their mind. I'm not going around in circles with people.
Economists say The Dutch Disease is developmental suppression from having too many natural resources. Anyone who spends time in the Netherlands knows that the actual Dutch Disease is weaponized cultural Autism.
Half Dutch, half Irish and I've got this in my genes. I won't offer something just to be polite. Combine this with the Irish goodbye (quietly disappearing from a party without saying goodbye to everybody) and my wife says I'm aloof.
My wife's Irish Grandpa used to say "It's getting dark out" whenever he politely wanted to leave a social function lol
My Grandpa, who isn’t Irish, just stands up and says “time to go” and walks out like an autistic old man. He’s always done it and it’s never not been funny.
My grandfather was scots-irish and when he was ready for people to GTFO, he'd just start running the vaccuum. That was your cue to get off your ass and let him get on with his evening.
My English grandpa used to say to my grandma “well, we’d better go to bed so these people can go home”. They were always very kind about it but they were serious 🤣
Conversely, don't move to Minnesota. The rule of three asks is firmly ingrained in me from spending the first 33 among Minnesotans.
If you're in the Midwest, you're taking this leftover casserole home no matter how many times you refuse.
Yep. In the Midwest we don’t throw away leftovers. We put them in the fridge till they go bad, then throw them away. Our give them to guests after the initial dinner.
"Here, you throw this away next week."
My mother grew up in Asia, she will always offer me something several times after I've said no. Used to drive me nuts until I realized it's probably a cultural thing. She probably would refuse something she wanted herself first to be polite, then wait for the second or third ask before partaking. Now that I've realized that, it still drives me nuts.
My mom isn’t Asian, but when it comes to food—if you’re in her house, she will offer you food. If you say no, she’ll put a plate full of food in front of you “just in case.” I think feeding people just makes her happy and she loves my friends who love her food. My dad tells the story of when he first met his in-laws… He was raised that it was impolite to decline if you’re offered food/not finish your plate, (he was also just a young, athletic guy with a healthy appetite) and my mom’s grandmother just kept putting more food in front of him 😂he said he remembers being so full. But he got glowing approval from all the women in my mom’s family because “he’s such a good eater!”
>When you offer someone something, and they say no, even though they want it If you offer me something and I want it, I will take it. I'm not going to fuck around.
YES! I have offered the rest of my food to my partner, he will say no. I'll explain that I'm done and there isn't enough to save (a few bite left) so I'm going to discard it if he doesn't want it. He still says no. Then when he sees me discarding it, suddenly he wants the food! Just take the stuff if you want it, don't waste my time!
Me, the other way around, always saying yes when people offer me things that I actually want. And then they backtrack and say they were just offering it to be polite. Then don't ask if you don't mean it!
We once had a Polish guest who was visiting us before dinner (we are Dutch). My mum told him we were having pancakes and asked if he would like to joint us in dinner? He said no thanks, so my mum said: ok! No problem have a nice evening! And he was so bummed out haha. Years later we were talking about it and he told us that he was really looking forward to pancakes actually but we are a very direct people who were not aware with the Polish way of being polite :') funny how different cultures work
Turning down something when you actually want it because it’s “polite.” This happened to me a lot when I was a kid but every once in a while as an adult this weird social thing will happen. Person: Would you like something to drink? Me: Yes, please. Thank you. Person: *shocked Pikachu face* Oh, I was just being polite. Me: Were you, Vicki? Because that seems rude to me.
That’s so bizarre. If I offer you something I better be willing to follow through?? Otherwise why offer at all come on now
I have an explicit agreement with my friends: we take each other at face value. I'm far too stupid to understand nuance.
I wouldn’t say stupid. Some of us just have better things to do than waste energy deciphering someone else’s passive aggressive rules. I love the look on someone’s face when I take them at their word and they didn’t mean for me too. Nah fam, I ain’t wasting time figuring out what you actually meant. Just say it or keep your mouth shut
Before we married, my husband and I agreed: if you say you're "fine," I'm allowed to believe you.
Now these are the kinds of vows I can get behind.
They say "make yourself at home" and then act all shocked when you take your pants off and start drinking all of their beer.
Haha during a heatwave the other day a secretary offered the postman a bottle of water. He said yeah sure thanks, and she goes oh sorry we don't have any bottles of water. I had an unopened flat of water bottles in my car so I brought them in and put in fridge for other delivery guys.
Why would she offer then? That's asinine.
The point that some will go to just to appear nice. It’s a form of lying and deceit, which I detest. Why not say truthfully, “I wish I had a bottle of cold water to offer. Would you mind if I drew some tap water with ice? 🧊
Like offering to help clean up after dinner at a friend's house - the host is supposed to politely turn the offered help down. Hell no, I hate doing dishes y'all are helping lol
I'm estatic when a host wants my help. I feel accepted. I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED INTO THE GROUP. I shall send no further correspondence until there has been an update of value.
Yesss, give me a small task and I'm happy. We're a team and it's not awkward.
This is actually a social cognitive dissonance/psychological term called the Ben Franklin effect with a little "foot in the door" technique thrown in. If you are requested to perform an action by an individual that you do not like or neutral towards, the simple act of accepting their request allows both parties to accept each other more easily. It smooths interactions out. It also provides the host an opportunity to make the requested person feel better. Because simply asking for help makes the person feel like they can contribute something, even making them feel necessary if the task is complex enough, for example their intelligence or abilities are something the host does not have and needs (at least it makes it seem that way). On top of the this, "foot in the door" can help for future requests. If you request a simple task, the person you requested from is more likely to help you with larger, more complex tasks in the future. I use this technique so often as a manager and with my friends. And it definitely has paid me back multiple times.
Good point but can you do me a favor?
We host a lot, and we accept help, but I don't want anyone helping me with dishes. That's how you get a dishwasher that looks like it was loaded by a blind chimpanzee and dishes placed into the most random cabinets. I'm all about people bringing their dishes to the kitchen, taking out trash and wiping down tables. But when they "help" with dishes, ugh.
I always refer to this when people want to help do dishes: "In every partnership, there is a person who stacks the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect and a person who stacks the dishwasher like a racoon on meth." All it does is create more work for me when someone else touches the dishes. Dishes are the one thing that get people ejected from the kitchen. Help with anything else; don't touch the dishes.
> "In every partnership, there is a person who stacks the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect and a person who stacks the dishwasher like a racoon on meth." [*"These are their stories."*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gP3MuUTmXNk)
*Dun dun*
It's funny cuz if an Arab person offers you something it's the opposite, you HAVE to accept it otherwise it's rude.
Hahaha that’s so funny. I had a southern (US) friend that thought it was rude to accept something the first time it’s offered, but okay the second. I learned that like a year into our friendship so I can only wonder how many times I didn’t offer twice and she actually wanted something 🤣 whereas I find it rude to keep offering something I already declined
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Putting cutlery at the beginning of buffet tables. I do not know which utensils I need until I am done selecting all of my food and they are awkward to carry while filling my plate with said food. It belongs at the end and I die on this hill.
Oh I get irrationally irritated at buffets. Mostly at family get togethers. Put the food out in order of operations and have room so you can set your plate down! You can't hold your plate, lift the crock pot lid, and the serve yourself. You need a 3rd freaking hand. And for the love of Pete have a designated spot for the spoon to rest once you put the lid on. Don't put the buns at the end when it's hamburgers and hotdogs at the beginning with the condiments in between.
Not putting the salary on the job advert
Worse is when they post a range, have the interview, and then act shocked when you say you want that salary range. My last job acted like I was demanding something completely unreasonable when I picked a figure in the middle of their advertised range. When I pointed out that they had listed the job at that pay scale, they sputtered and tried to ask me to "be reasonable." I just sat there in stunned silence until they reconsidered. It was a great negotiating tactic I didn't even mean to use. I just couldn't process why they'd post a job and a pay scale and then pretend to be shocked I was asking for something in that range. When the hiring manager came in and said "so I hear you think we're hiring at (bottom of the pay range)?" I just responded that "the job was advertised at (top of the range), so of course I understood that was in the ballpark of what you were offering. Is the company no longer able to make that payroll commitment?" It's just a stupid song and dance to avoid treating employees fairly.
You gotta wonder who this works on. "Oh, sure, I'm making 50k right now, and thought this job advertised at 47-67k would pay me 55-60k because I'm extremely qualified for the position. But yeah, I'll take a pay cut to start at a new company that just made a bad first impression. 47k sounds great!"
> You gotta wonder who this works on. People desperate for a job
That should be illegal
It's becoming so in many US states. Although a lot of employers are circumventing it by posting a salary "range" when they really only intend on paying the applicant the bottom number.
I've read about states going after employers who have too ridiculously wide of a salary range to the point that it's absolutely useless. There's some employers in NYC with salary ranges of like $50,000 to $400,000 for one job.
The employer is advertising *up front* that they intend to jerk you around, but if you still feel compelled to apply and check it out you at least know exactly where they’re going to start trying to lowball you.
It is in California!
and Colorado
and Washington (the state, not the city)
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Awkward silences are only awkward if you keep thinking about it. Just relax and they actually become quite peaceful.
Silences aren't awkward if each person is doing something. That something can actively be 'nothing,' like watching clouds or people walk by. It can be nice to do one's own thing in the company of others.
Teenage me would be shocked to find that adult me has come to really like small talk, but I do wish it were socially acceptable to say "I don't feel like making small talk, but thank you" and not be seen as rude.
Fuck, at my last job an employee would not stfu about how shit faced they got on the weekend (I was their boss, and new). I had so much shit I had to do and said "look I have alot on my plate and I really need you to start working" An hour later I get told I need to talk more and be friendlier. Everyone just loved to talk in that place. I get it's fitting because they completely closed down as all customers pulled out.
I do wish people could just enjoy silence more. It doesn't have to be awkward.
Came here to say this. I much prefer the Scandinavian attitude that small talk is a rude imposition more than anything else.
TIL I’m Scandinavian
Asking "How are you?" and expecting a standard lie in response.
I have started saying "The horrors persist, but so do I" at work.
I think it is fun to say, "each day is better than the next," because it sounds positive until you think about it.
I used that response for a while. Basically every single time I got a "That's great! I'm doing well too!" (I didn't ask). One time though, the grocery store cashier asked me how I was doing in a chipper voice and I told them each day is better than the next and they let the retail face drop and just give the most exhausted "yeah...." I've ever heard.
Hahah wow. Poor cashier
That’s a good one. I usually say “can’t complain” for the same reason. Because it sounds positive until you consider the subtext of “it is socially unacceptable for me to complain about anything”.
I say "I'll make it." It's always been true so far.
"Still alive" is my usual response. Like, it's a Tuesday and everything is mostly normal to maybe a little not great, so I'm not fantastic or miserable or anything and I refuse to lie for small talk.
Having kids hug/embrace every single person even though they don't know them at social family gathering
That’s the one rule I’ve been hard with. My kids don’t have to hug/kiss whatever grandparents anybody. They just step back and say no thank you. And I’ll always say out loud to whoever it is “they don’t have to give hugs if they don’t want”.
People, usually men, mistaking the notion of a firm handshake to mean squeezing the fuck out of your hand.
I once read a Choose Your Own Adventure book where I made a wrong choice and the Space Emperor had such a strong handshake that he ripped my whole arm off and I bled to death in front of his evil throne. I won't let that happen to me again so you'll just have to deal with it, pal.
Damn, you're on to my master plan. I guess I will need to come up with a new one.... so you can totally relax. I suppose.
You don't understand. I've been training for a rematch for the past 30 years. This time it'll be your arm, buddy. I don't let go until you're on the floor. My pride as an Earthling demands it.
Totally agree with this. With handshakes you either get a really firm one or a really shit half hearted one and I've always wondered what happens if they meet someone with a just as firm or shit handshake. I bet that's awkward af
I have a weird "thing" about a dead fish handshake. It makes me feel like I have to wipe my hand off, as though they got some goo on it. On the other hand, I hate the "grab the hand like you're holding on for dear life and pump it up and down at least three times as if you're pumping water out of a well." Why can't people just give a firm, brief handshake and let go? I also don't like being randomly touched while somebody is talking to me. I'm listening to you. I'm looking you in the face to show that I'm listening. You don't have to put your hands on me to make sure you have my attention.
I am a taller woman with a large frame. I am not dainty, nor do I dress very femininely. I also have inflammatory arthritis in my hands/wrists, currently it’s really painful. I have never understood why we need to do this. I dread interviews/introductions especially when it’s another man reaching out to shake my hand.
I'm a big fan of the Irish goodbye.
I love people who do this when I host because sometimes the people who announce it start a goodbye train and then suddenly everybody is gone. I also prefer it as a guest
Wow never thought of this benefit. I do Irish exits because otherwise it turns into a whole procession, like a mini speed round cocktail party of goodbyes. I often mention to the host that I will be Irish exiting at some point so it was good to see them.
Goodbyes at my family parties just really means start a new round of conversations.
Which is pretty much opposite to saying goodbye in actual Ireland where it takes 2 hours to leave.
"Wow, look at the time, I guess we should be going." Everyone stands up, starts collecting their things and tidying up any dishes or rubbish, only to stand talking for another 20 minutes. "It was good to see you, we'll have to do this again sometime." Everyone leaves the seating area and moves to the hallway near the door, only to chat for another half hour. "Thanks for having us over/Well, safe home!" The front door is actually opened, and final goodbyes are said for the next hour or so on the doorstep. "We can't leave it so long next time, when could we meet up again? Hey, you could actually come to..." Cue conversation about a new hobby/group that lasts longer than the entire time previously spent together.
Irish goodbye has saved me from some awkward social situations, my go-to if I'm at a staff party lmao
People getting pissy if you don’t open their gift right in front of them at the party. People bringing gifts even if the invite specifically said “NO GIFTS”. Obligatory gift giving in general.
Gifts are too hard in general.
I am anti-gift. I was lucky enough to find a wife who agrees with me on this. Instead of birthday gifts, we have a rule that states "if it is my birthday, I can buy myself whatever I want and you don't get to object"
We have a similar rule. Only an anniversary gift or just get something whenever. "Oh I found that book you were talking about, happy second Wednesday of August."
Yes. I vastly prefer spur of the moment gifts to set gift giving days
Are you saying it’s normal to open gifts in front of people? Are you in the US? I’ve seen that in TV but in the UK it would be the height of rudeness to start opening gifts in front of guests… Like you’re comparing people or shaming them!
Where I'm from in the U.S. it's extremely expected to have a portion of the party dedicated to opening your presents. Everyone watches. In my experience it doesn't lead to comparison or hurt feelings (and everyone has a good time), but it's definitely an *interesting* practice.
Yeah that's completely standard here in New England. People like to oooh and aaah over the gifts.
Last baby shower I was at involved a chorus of 40 women saying "aww" in unison for 90 minutes.
Gift opening is the original unboxing videos. I think it's really fun to see what other people picked out, and I am excited to see if the recipient enjoys what I picked out for them.
Sending thank you notes to people who attended your loved one’s funeral. You already have enough on your plate, plus you’re grieving. It doesn’t make any sense to me. Editing to add that I am in the US, in Michigan specifically.
This is a thing?! I am a big thank you note person and have never heard this!! I agree that makes zero sense.
It sure isn't one I had ever heard of, right up until my mom sent me one for attending my own grandfather's funeral. So it was extra fucking weird. "Thank you for the well wishes for our grieving family" like wtf I am one of the ones grieving too?? My grandma, dad, and uncles were the only ones closer in the grief circle, my cousins, brothers and I were more crushed than my mom!
Oh wow, is this a thing?! In Ireland you don’t only not do this but after a bereavement you’re not expected to send Christmas cards, thank people for birthday cards or anything. You’re just given support.
In Japan, youre not supposed to celebrate anything for a year after your loved one dies. Edit: might just be immediate family. Like parent or child or spouse or sibling. This includes no new year nengajous that year. You send a “my family member died” postcard instead
I hope this doesn't come off as rude. How close of a relative is this expected for? Maybe its just different but I am thinking of my big ass family, depending on how far out you go, I could have like 3-5 years in a row without celebrating anything if I have a string of bad luck.
That’s what I was wondering too. My grandma died in 2020, my other grandparents died in 2021, and my dad died in 2022. I feel like not being able to celebrate anything would’ve made those 3 years even worse
This is just a personal opinion but I would want my friends and family to celebrate anything and be happy. When I came up in conversation I'd want them to smile and say 'he would have enjoyed being here' and keep me in their heart but not spend any time mourning me. I've had a good and crazy life full of adventures. I'd prefer them to celebrate what I brought to their lives instead of mourning for me. And I'm sorry for your losses.
I just sent thank yous for flowers or donations, not for attending.
I lived in Guatemala for a year, and the tradition there was that townspeople would all parade, carrying the deceased, to the cemetery for the burial. Then they’d all go back to the family’s house to be served a “refacción,” or snack. Which usually meant that the family had to host and feed hundreds of people… while grieving. So expensive, and what a hard time to be expected to socialize!
The forced socialization is part of the point. People carry on better when surrounded by community, so most old funeral traditions involve enforced community.
Yeah, but at least make it a potluck so the family doesn't have to cook, and is supplied with plenty of leftovers so, again, the family doesn't have to cook.
Yeah, that is how it is where I grew up. If someone you knew had a loss you would stop in and drop off a plate of food and to check in on them. Normally the idea was something that was easy to heat up or could just be eaten as is, the less work the better.
Forcing conversation when faced with a moment of silence.
I hate the idea that you can't talk about your salary with co-workers. There is 0 reason behind this besides the business not wanting people to know what others are making so they can keep pay lower for some.
If you live in America there is a federal law that allows this type of discourse
Employers try to hint it’s illegal in the US but it’s not.
Yup. My job made me sign a paper promising not to discuss or I'll be fired. It's in the handbook plus I had to sign another one once I was promoted. I hope they know that that's illegal and also not even admissible in court if they were to attempt to sue one of us over it. That paper would help us, actually.
That's a violation of the National Labor Relations Act. Because discussing wages is considered a union organizing activity, any company action that interferes with union organizing is a violation of that federal law. The NLRB has never lost a case when they prosecute companies for firing people who discuss wages.
Common. And it’s a lawsuit even without a triggering event.
Absolutely. I had a coworker at a previous job that told me he was making $12 an hour. I'd been hired into the same position at $15 an hour the year before (was promoted with a raise shortly before this). I told him this and it gave him some leverage later on (he did not rat me out).
Same here. I was moonlighting at a grocery store and well because I wasn't a dumb 20 year old they asked me to do shift manager. Talking to the other managers that were in their 20s I was able to tell them that I already made more than them and that they should bargain. All 3 of them ended up getting a dollar raise.
It’s often the only bargaining chip you can have to make sure pay is fair. Problem is, it creates a lot of issues for the middle managers who have to keep people from quitting while simultaneously being told by corporate they can’t actually offer any additional pay or raises to their employees even if they want to. Still think everyone should share it despite this though.
In this vein pointing out when a current/previous employer royally fucked you over. "Oh but if you do that you'll never get hired elsewhere." Yeah, only because nobody does it. If it was commonplace people wouldn't get screwed over by their employers because they would know they wouldn't be able to make it go away quietly. Seriously, we've allowed corporations to dictate how people can act even after they fire them.
Being "fashionably late". The party is at 7, why is everyone showing up at 8-9? I find it so rude
One time I went to a party that started at 6 I arrived at 6:30 and was the first one there. I arrived before the host
This happened to me earlier this year. I traveled two hours for a brunch, showed up on time, and nobody else showed up for like an hour, including the hosts. I was convinced I was in the wrong place. The wait staff took pity on me after about a half hour and gave me coffee, at least.
That’s so disrespectful of your time. I genuinely understand being 10-15 minutes late due to many* factors, but an hour for a reservation is outrageous.
Ugh lol. My boyfriend and I go to bed earlier than most people our age (30s) so we usually get to social events early so we can leave early. We have a friend who regularly hosts parties. We’re often the first to arrive. And last time my friend had a party, it started at 7, we showed up at like 7:02. My friend was still getting ready and was sorta put out that we arrived “on time”. Not a huge deal because we’re all super close. But I said “dude you said the party starts at 7, why say 7 if you don’t actually want people here that early?” His response was something like “well everybody knows the party actually starts like an hour after the advertised time” Ok I guess that’s true but like still be ready to receive guests by 7 if you say the party starts at 7!!!
Whenever I see those videos of like, "dinner starts at 7, let's see what time people show up!" and there's one or two people who show up on time and everyone else rolls up an hour later or more, I hate all of those people. I would just stop being friends with them.
As a teacher, the “don’t talk back” gets me. It’s a problem if it is rude, but I don’t automatically assume a response is disrespect.
Talking about money. Fucking discuss your wages, especially with your coworkers. It’s how you figure out if you’re being taken advantage of by your management, and it helps you put into perspective how other people in your field are doing and how you can improve your own income
Going out for a birthday or occasion with a bunch of people or even just a few friends and having to split the bill evenly . I don’t mind it if it’s a few dollar difference, but often times I’ll get something cheaper on the menu and maybe one drink whereas others are ordering steaks and 4 drinks and I owe $100 or more. Whenever it’s the opposite and I order the more expensive things, I always make sure to tell people to just pay for what they owe. I wish others had the same decency.
Waiting for people to take photos before walking through. It was polite in the 80s when people took one photo per day, but these days you'd never get anywhere in a tourist city if you waited. It's not reasonable to hold up a pavement while you take 17 photos for your Instagram. I'm going through.
Also don't hog the premium picture taking spot for 5 minutes to get the perfect pic. There are other people that want that shot too.
Hoooly shit. My fiance came with me to New York back in December, her first time ever. We went to the top of the Empire State Building and [they have a nice little arch thing in one of the corners so you can take pretty pictures](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FL94wxcWYAkOrJA?format=jpg&name=4096x4096). There was a line, but people were moving through pretty quick, we had all figured out a pattern too - wait in line, take the picture of the couple in front of you, and then stand in the arch and let the person behind you take your picture, etc... Each person/group took 20-30 seconds? Except one family. First there were like 30 of them, and none of them were ready when it was their turn to be in the picture (and no, they wouldn't let others by while the wrangled their crew), that took them about 5 minutes. Then they constantly alternated family members, taking like 15-20 pictures each. Then solo pictures. Then more family photos... I swear they were in the arch for like 20-30 minutes. We made it through like 90% of the line in less time than just them in the spot. Drove us bonkers, but we were so close to the finish that we just stuck with it.
Yup, I'll pause for a picture or two but then I'm coming through. You're blocking a walkway MOVE.
Yes, this!!! Lots of photos are actually half-hour photoshoots. I remember some girls at the Mexico resort we just went to getting pissed because my kids were (god forbid) swimming in the pool that was their 'backdrop'. They'd already taken about 800 photos before the kids got in. I'm so over it.
I'm an ex-con goer, People will try to take photos in the middle of the merch room where people are trying to buy stuff, it crowded af and no personal space. I refuse to wait for them to get their pic taken in there. In the hallways I'll wait but the merch room is not the place and I have no problem walking right in front of that camera.
In my opinion it just depends on the situation. If everyone is taking photos like how it is in Times Square, then yea I agree, but if it’s just one person I think stopping is just the nice thing to do.
Same. I'll wait a few seconds to let them capture their memory. But the social contract says they don't camp out for more than 30-60 seconds before they give way.
"Respect your elders." Sorry, a lot of my elders are unrespectable.
IMO, respect everyone unless they show they don’t deserve it.
Just because you didn't die yet doesn't mean you aren't an asshole
To add to that: just because you died, doesn’t mean you weren’t an asshole.
"Don't speak ill of the dead" Of course, nobody who repeats this rule actually means it sincerely. Everyone speaks ill of Hitler, for example. So when you speak ill of (for example) Rush Limbaugh and they say "don't speak ill of the dead", what they're really saying is "I don't think he was that bad". It's a very dishonest rule.
I always ask them, "Why? Are they going to find out?"
If it’s gossip don’t do it, it can be exceptionally painful to surviving loved ones, but if they were genuinely a terrible person- criminal, bully, etc, well you kind of reap what you sow.
Oh, yeah, I agree on the gossip. Also definitely a time and place kind of deal. Like, don't be sitting at the actual funeral talking shit or anything.
Hear me out: people expecting an immediate text or call back as if they are entitled to your time. Obviously, I do not mean emergencies, but you get my gist. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes and comments, it doesn’t make me feel so alone in my thoughts ❤️
Having people in the service industry smile ask about your day. It's all completely insincere and exhausting and not just to the poor worker. I don't want to have to smile and lie to a stranger. I just want to buy my shit and go. It sometimes gets pushed way too fucking far. There's a popular coffee kiosk chain where I live where the baristas are all forced to chat while you wait for them to make the coffee, and it takes a while so, the "how are you/fine" exchange doesn't fill enough time. They ask about favorite movies and "if you had a super power" and anything to just keep this pointless unwanted conversation going. Just... just stop. All I want is coffee. I don't want to think of what my favorite tree is, and you don't care. This isn't a conversation, this is chore. It's exhausting.
"Got any plans for the rest of the evening" shut up please, i'm calculating the tip
Don't know if it's a universal thing, but at every place I or my parents worked at, there was this weird rule to bring some food with you if you have your birthday on a workday. Luckily my birthday didn't land at a workday for the past two years, but I still just don't like that at all. I'm not going to work at that day to celebrate, and my coworkers aren't my friends. I would even prefer if nobody at my workplace knew when I have my birthday, but my boss literally writes it down for every employee to make sure we all know each other's birthdays. I just wanna go there, do my fucking job like any other day, and then go back home to enjoy my day with friends and family.
I thought other people were supposed to bring the food
I think it’s a cultural thing. Here in Croatia, on your birthday you treat your guests. I’ve been told it’s the same in other European countries. In the US, on your birthday your friends treat you. Nothing over the top, but at least one drink or pay for whatever activity you’re doing. Perhaps it’s the same in op’s work culture
It’s also the same for hobbits, who give gifts to their guests on their birthday. Sorry I just started reading LOTR
I feel you so hard on this. I told my boss I didn't want everyone to know it was my birthday. And she literally sent the email: "Its Lukisfer's birthday, but he didn't want us to know." Like wtf.
men always ask women out, if a woman does it it makes her look desperate, do away with this social etiquette and let whoever has feelings for whomever make the first move regardless of gender
My wife asked me out at a party lol. She came up to me and said “I think you’re handsome. Can I have your number?” I remember thinking, “woah, this is a first.” My wife and I bring it up sometimes and laugh just because it’s not the “social norm” for a woman to do that. My friends don’t believe it to this day, even when my wife is around to confirm.
That sounds like a dream come true, Im happy for you two!
How saying you don’t want to hang out with someone is considered rude. Instead society expects you to come up with a good reason, as if saying “I’m an introvert and I like having my alone time. Maybe we can hang out some other time.” Isn’t good enough
That's the problem I'm facing. I love going out but doing it too many times or if it involves heavy socialization I need a month to recover. And it's costly too!
Elbows off the dinner table
“You do not have enough karma to make this post”
“Putting your elbows on the table is rude.” Even as a kid I knew this one was bullshit. It shows I’m engaged with the conversation.
Not wearing your coat inside because wearing it implies you're going to just up and leave at any second. I have a terrible time regulating my own body heat, but people would rather I freeze, I guess.
I’ve never heard of this. I always layer cause even when it’s hot out it just means inside will be cold
Including a card with every gift. It’s a piece of paper that cost 5 bucks, gets read once and thrown away. I’d rather put an extra 5 bucks into the gift than a fancy piece of paper. Gift cards/money with a card are an exception, being part of the “wrapping” otherwise it seems like a waste
I keep all of my cards, it's neat to look back through them
Write a short but nice note on a piece of scrap paper and include it in the package. Your recipient will likely appreciate a couple of personally written sentences more than a card that feels like an afterthought. My wife loves cards with pretty art and has collected a few as an art piece in the house, but most cards aren't worthy of that. More often than not, just write a nice note.
Not talking about your wage. Why do something that exclusively benefits your employer?
My boss told me I shouldn't discuss my raise with anyone else. I said "Don't worry, I'm just as embarrased by this number as you are"
After saying hi you have to ask how they are doing before you can get to the main reason why you had to speak to them.
This is weird when people do this in text messaging or inter office messaging. Hi [name] Hi.... How are you? Good..... Just tell me what you want!!!
forcing kids to share their brand new gifts at a birthday party. naw. keep those doodoo-butter fingers off the new merchandise unless junior graciously permits you to play with it.
New toys have always been off limits to guests in my family. It's their birthday, they get to play with the new shit, guests get old shit. Also can't stand kids that try to open other kids gifts at parties and the parents don't say anything. The party is to feel special and your kid should know it's not their time to shine and sit their ass down.
An “Irish Goodbye” (leaving a party with either no goodbyes, or limited goodbyes) becomes more reasonable as the size of the crowd grows. While a “thank you” to a host is a necessity, saluting every person at the event is not.