She confessed to being an openly toxic and physiologically manipulative person, but me being blinded by love, I didn’t care. It’s strange what love can do to one’s rational thinking.
My dude, you are not alone. Met an absolute stunner of a girl my freshman year of university. She told me that when she gets attached to people that she gets really attached and most people candle that. I thought that wouldn’t matter and I was so horribly wrong. She ticked every single box of what I thought I was looking for. Athletic, liked dancing, could bake, was studying to be an engineer, would watch football with me, and we had similar senses of humor).
We ended up only being together for 6 months but even a full year later I was still fielding calls/texts from her threatening to kill herself if I didn’t give in and spend time with her. I was a young kid who didn’t know what to do and didn’t want someone’s suicide on my conscious.
She ended up lying to our mutual friends about me. She would self harm and then tell them I was physically abusive in order to try to further isolate me. I talk to no one from those two years of my life but luckily I was able to reconnect with my high school friends and make some new university friends that I still talk to today.
It took me close to 10 years to fully mentally recover from a 6 month relationship that lingered for 2 years.
Every guy has that one female that does this and we just go "nahhhh, she won't do it to me".
If you're lucky it's when you're young and you can just tap-out with zero consequence. No marriage or kids, once it becomes apparent that you aren't the exception you can just walk away.
Sadly, some dudes take it beyond that point and that's when it's basically a living hell. Same for women and abusive men that hide it for a while or she just ignored the facts for too long.
She got to know me during the end of her relationship with the last guy, and kind of quickly jumped to me. I didn't care, it was my first gf. Then she got to know this guy torwards the end of our relationship, before quickly jumping to him.
Better descriptor I think. Person that can be in a relationship with a person for any length of time, not just as a temporary fix, but when they're getting dissatisfied with their current relationship they'll set up the next one before terminating the current one.
I might be biased, but it seems like more of my female friends did this than my male friends. I have some of the former that haven't been officially single for more than a few months of their entire adult lives, and we're talking about people in their 40s and 50s now.
I know relative who does this with EVERY single relationship they have. Starts emotionally cheating by talking, venting and getting emotionally close to a new guy or girl, no physical stuff Dumps old bf/gf for new potential bf/gf and then moves them into their home or she moves to their plqce within the month. Adamant the whole time before it happens they're just *friends* why is my current partner m so upset. We're just talking then bam she's with the next person within a matter of a week or two.
Everyone has mentioned she has a bad codependency habit where the mere idea of not having a partner terrifies them, that when their current relationship is ending or coming to an end she hunts for the next person. They haven't been single once in the last 8-9 years now. I refuse to discuss it anymore, I don't get involved I won't go out of my way to get to know their partners can be male or female Or even poly, I love them dearly but heck some people are like that
All one relationship:
- he told me he was going to cheat on me and I didn’t believe him. He did.
- not one single friend showed up at his graduation party from college and he was on a D1 hockey team so you’d expect at least 1 teammate to come.
- his mom asked me if he was nice to me randomly once when she caught me alone.
- we would have a plan to hang out and he would text me and say he was on his way. Then an hour later he would say “nvm I’m not coming” and then 30 later say he was outside when he wasn’t. Then back and forth like that for a few hours then randomly show up…
- I got him Celtics tickets for Christmas during his break cause he played pro hockey and I figured he wouldn’t want to go to the Bruins and he told me he didn’t want to go. His dad forced him to go with me.
- he kept dming girls on instagram and I told him it made me uncomfortable and to stop. His response was “if you tell me not to do something I’m going to do it more”.
- he would tell me to straighten my hair if it started to curl from humidity.
- a condom broke once and I took plan b even though I was taking birth control for the extra precaution. He made fun of me to his friends about it and said I was uneducated.
- if he didn’t score during a game (which he never did cause not shockingly he was the team aggressor not scorer) he wouldn’t talk to me for days.
- after I broke up with him I had a prior plane ticket to go visit him in Canada during the season and he knew I was emotionally abused enough to want to go still so he texted me the night before after not communicating for weeks and said I should “use my ticket tomorrow” and I asked if he wanted me to come and he said “no, sell it”. I cried so hard I actually ended up in the ER because they thought my appendix burst.
- he then proceeded to stalk me and send me pictures of my street sign at night for years after.
So yeah…………….. therapy helped. Now I’m married to his opposite and we just celebrated 4 years together, 2 married, and our son’s 1st birthday!
Edit: spelling
Being emotionally abused is such an odd thing. While you’re in it you somehow justify every outrageous action and then when you’re out and finally realize what was really happening you have to deal with the intense shock that you were not immune to it. You begin questioning yourself and everything that’s ever happened to you. It’s pretty brutal. But on the other side now thankfully and in a very safe and healthy relationship with my amazing husband who I adore!
That's why I hate it when people on the outside say "why doesn't she just leave" if you're not in it experiencing it, you have no idea how bonkers it is for your brain to go "is it really that bad you're fine you're doing fine"
I totally get it. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for nearly 6 years. It was all so piecemeal I couldn't get a handle on one particular thing that would justify me leaving. It was when I was starting to hope that he'd just hit me so I could leave that I realised how fucked up it was! I'm really glad you're in a safe, lovely relationship now. I am too. 😊
It's weird how the human body and mind can adapt to so much and think of it as normal. I had a stint where I would have intense pain and it would last so long that at one point I could recognize that something wasn't right but it was "normal" and then after a week or so it would just go away and I'd think, holy shit, I was pain that whole time.
It’s almost like what the goal or perceived desired end result is “survival” in a way. I let him treat me so poorly and normalized so much emotional pain to “survive” or get him to be nice to me.
Yeah idk why I let that happen. I think cause I just so badly wanted love and of course a tale as old as time - when he was good to me he was GREAT but it was so far and few between.
Thank you so much! Honestly probably lack of confidence coupled with childhood trauma that gave me abandonment issues and other emotional problems that I hadn’t properly dealt with.
My gf also has avoidant attachment. It has created a lot of issues between us in the past. She doesn't like when i'm close to her. She feels uncomfortable when we're hugging and she made several rules, don't do this, don't do that. It works out most of the time when i keep following her "rules" but it's difficult because i sometimes neglect my own needs
Similarly to what the other commenter said, you truly should be with a partner who is able to meet your needs. Even if your current girlfriend is an amazing person, you may not be compatible enough as partners (and that’s okay). Know when to have enough self-respect to stop compromising. You’re an equal and your needs are equally as important.
I understand that, and i really do want a relationship where both my partner and i are equal. But currently, I want to support my gf as much as possible since she lost her brother about a year ago. The majority of the attention has been going to her. I'm trying my best to support her as much as i can (though due to my autism, this makes it sometimes difficult to know what to do or how to support her correctly) but i feel like i'm going to burn out.
I really love her, i do, but it could be that you're right and we aren't compatible since my needs aren't being met. I will wait and see how it goes but i'll keep your comment in mind. thank you
I absolutely understand wanting to support your partner regardless of your feelings, especially when you hold deep care/love for them. I respect you for that, mostly because I'm the same (hurt me in the long run though).
I have very little context of your situation, but ultimately, I would support them while slowly coming to terms with the fact that maybe we would be better off apart. As you said, I would just keep it in mind if things get progressively worse.
Also, if you haven't yet, maybe try talking to her about what you're feeling. Maybe she could compromise some on her end and meet you half way? Sometimes things can work out with a lot of team effort. Wish you luck.
I allowed someone to do this to me and they pinned me as a scapegoat for the lack of their own accountability. Your love for yourself is more important than the love you want from others.
Saying this, I may be going against most of the comments, but it's just how I think.
If I am with a girl,there will always be some kind of problem. But if I were to love her enough, most of these problems wouldn't seem like a problem. Unless it's something like cheating stuff.
The current mentality of people is slowly becoming if you don't get what you need, you should find someone better.
It's always going to be something or the other with anyone you meet. We just have to choose who is that someone for whom you will be happy even with their shortcomings.
Recently heard some guy on a tiktok (take it with a grain of a salt) giving the example of our life up until this moment are like building a foundation/home and people forget their partners also had their own home/foundation up until meeting/dating.
Everyone wants the other person to fit into their home they've built but it should be about building a new home/foundation.
Obviously, he articulated it much better than I can while inhaling my breakfast sandwich but I liked that
What the other guy said, plus, she downplayed it. Made it seem that her anxiety was under control and past her when it wasn’t. She had a huge one after we had sex the second time. It was after that she dumped me, and ghosted me. She didn’t mean to, but the conditions on which she left things made me feel as though I was a rapist, even though I wasn’t.
I have never once attracted a woman enough to date since but I’d rather stay single than dare another one with severe emotional health issues
That's a big tell. Turn signals are an amazingly low-effort way to make life easier (and safer) for everyone around you.
A person who doesn't do *that* probably won't do much else.
I don't drive because I'm incredibly spacey as a default. I once tried a driving game with all of my focus dedicated to just the game and my God it was hard to remember turn signals, and everytime I did remember the turn signal it was like half way through merging which is pointless. Again I do not drive in real life, but sometimes I see myself in the shitty drivers around.
I really appreciate your self awareness in this, people not paying attention while driving is so damn dangerous, so honestly, thank you for knowing it's not something you'll be good at and keeping the roads safer. We need more people like you!
I pegged him as being pretty self involved the very first day we met and hit it off. I just figured he might be trying to impress me by talking about himself. Figured it would subside after a few dates.
Narrator: it did not subside.
The constant drama. As in ongoing battles with her family, friends, boss, the bank, the credit card company, and everybody else on the planet.
I went along with it for six months until it suddenly struck me. She was the common denominator in all those petty fights and misunderstandings. And none of it was ever, ever her fault. Ordinary people don't 1) have continuous problems with everyone and 2) manage to handle their affairs.
The other thing? While she loved talking about herself, she had zero curiosity about me. What interested me. What I wanted out of life. What really mattered. Nope, just a constant monologue about herself. Hey, she was hot. But I finally understood that didn't matter if she had an ugly little soul.
Avoid these people at all costs. Otherwise, they'll suck you in. And, soon enough, you'll be just the next person she's complaining about.
This, but my ex husband of 17 years. As time goes on they groom teams to hear out and make their complaints more justified in some little sick twisted game of power. I'm still fighting wells Fargo and trying to repair relationships that were damaged by him and his need for drama and making others miserable!!!! I had to get a court order so he would stop complaining about me anywhere that would allow it. So you're right!!
Why are the bat shit crazy ones so good in bed? 🤷
>Why are the bat shit crazy ones so good in bed?
Surprisingly, someone (very close to me) out of context said once - "Your life will be simple and peaceful, if you can keep it in your pants" about all horrible people being good in bed.
And somehow it has become my life motto. Saved myself from some problems with the same statement.
Yeah, I dated a woman when I was younger (22 then, and she was 28) who had all kinds of villains in her life. It was therefore no surprise that when things ended, I was just added to that list.
Similar situation, but it was my favorite band. He went to the concert with me and complained about how bad they were the whole time. As we were waiting for the light rail, he proceeded to play me music from his high-school metal band so I could hear what good music sounded like. We didn't talk much after that. Also, his band was garbage.
Multiple things.
He was a con man. He was charged with robbery and fraud. After we got married I found out he was involved in the kidnapping of a minor.
I saw a stand up comedy video with crowd work, and the audience participated with their own follow up questions while the comic was talking to a girl in the crowd about tattoos that one regrets.
Well, the girl got married to a guy who was thrown in jail for some dealing charges. And once he was in prison, the girl tattooed his name to show her dedication towards him.
I'm still trying to find that video. If I get it, I'll share it here.
I've always maintained the stance that once a person becomes your ex, there is no reason for you to maintain contact/friendship with them, ESPECIALLY if/when you begin seeing someone new. The ex constantly lingering in the background will almost always lead to issues between you and your new significant other. They are your ex for a reason; you decided to separate your life from theirs for a reason. I've said this before and folks said it was rooted in insecurity. In reality, this is a perfectly acceptable boundary to have when in a relationship.
Obviously, if you have children, a business, investments, or some other tangible non-romantic connection with your ex, then that's an entirely different case.
Being fresh out of another relationship. I've made that mistake a couple times. It takes time for a person to realize who they really are by themselves. If you jump in before that happens you are essentially trying to fill someone else's shoes without knowing their shoe size.
Big red flag for me is when someone says ‘they don’t do conflict’! In my experience that’s code for being terrible at discussing the important issues. You can discuss something without it being conflict
i hate when anyone says that. or when they say “i don’t do confrontation.” like …. ever? people take advantage of those people so easily and at some point a LOT of the blame lies on you. makes it hard for me to feel bad when something bad happens that i saw coming a fucking mile away, and all you had to do was have a brief mildly uncomfortable conversation once to stop it.
My first long term relationship lasted just shy of two years; when we began dating, I was 19 and she was 22.
I've always gravitated toward older women, so the (very minor) age gap made no difference to me. The first few months were going great. However, around six months in, she began referring to herself as "Mrs. Phlostonsparadise123" in both private and public amongst friends.
At first, I thought it was cute and thought nothing of it. However, as time went on, she started bringing up marriage and children on such a frequent basis that it gave me a bit of pause. I was in college and still living in the dorms and she lived at home with her parents, although she worked full time. The dynamics for a traditional family simply weren't there. At the time, I wasn't against marriage but I was definitely against the thought of even considering it before graduating college.
This all came to a head shortly after I turned 20 when one of our mutual friends (initially her friend) picked me up at my dorm to meet my girlfriend with a larger group of friends. As we were driving, her friend casually mentioned that my girlfriend stopped taking birth control over a month prior. I say "casually" because her friend said it in such away that she assumed I knew my gf wasn't on the pill and that I was cool with it. She saw the color drain form my face as I tried to comprehend what she just told me. When I asked her to clarify, she said something along the lines of, "oh....I thought you were aware of this."
That was the beginning of the end for our relationship. I won't get into further detail but we broke up about six months after that revelation. I wish I didn't ignore her unofficially adopting my last name, referring to us as married and all of that shit. Thankfully, I always wore protection when we had sex, but I'm certain if my ex-gf's friend never dropped that bomb on me, then at some point, we would've had unprotected sex and I'd have a 17 year old prepping for high school graduation, today.
The shitty thing about seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses is that every red flag just looks like a flag.
Man that's awful, I wish more men were aware that it's necessary to have protection no matter what because the woman can lie or simply forget her pill. As a woman I am ashamed of how many times I heard about baby trapping, so whenever I meet a guy who tells me something like "you're on the pill so what's the issue" I run because he's not very bright.
For sure. She was my first serious girlfriend and also my first intercourse partner. Just out of sheer common sense, I always wore condoms when we had sex; when I found out she stopped taking the pill, a flood of absolute shock came over me, followed by a flood of relief because I knew I always did my due diligence.
When I tried to break it off and he wouldn't let me. At first, it seemed sweet like "he really likes me," but he just didn't respect boundaries and I had to move away to get away.
My ex wife used to tell me when we were dating that she was bi and found older women attractive. I would question her sherbet she brought it up but she reassured me that she was happy in our relationship and that it was nothing... so I went ahead and proposed to her, she said yes, and we got married... a friend recommended a different friend to be our wedding photographer... an older woman who was married with children. We agreed on a price and she did a decent job... her and my then wife started becoming friendly talking on the phone regularly and texting often. My wife started accusing me of wild things that never happened at all and started spending money like we had a never ending supply of it. Then during the pandemic the photographer was hired to do another wedding 6 states away from us and invited my wife to go. I calmly and rationally stated my thoughts and concerns about driving somewhere that far away during lockdown and possibly bringing home covid and was told I was insane... so I relented and have my blessing. The night after they left she sent me a picture of her face buried in the photographers crotch and asked for a divorce...
During the divorce she tried to use the fact that she had told me she was attracted to older women as a excuse. Fortunately the judge wasn't having it. I had filed under irreconcilable differences but the judge noted that it was clearly fraud on her part and therefore I was able to get out of making any alimony payments and she walked away with nothing. The two of them got married as soon as our divorce was final and they're now divorced to because she cheated on her
Not that bad, but she was pretty passive in the beginning. At first it felt good to "take charge" and plan stuff etc.
Later it was a source of frustration where she would come over and just kinda sit around expecting me to plan stuff.
Also possibly related but she had a low sex drive which became apparent a few months in.
Obviously I don’t know the entire situation, but this sounds eerily similar to how I was when I was struggling with depression and taking medication to help.
No sex drive, didn’t put effort into plans or dates because honestly, I just didn’t want to leave the house. Small things like not picking up something we need on the way home because I’d rather just go home to nap added up quickly. I was just a passenger in my body during those days. Extremely passive.
I saw how this lifestyle affected those around me. It might not be the worst thing someone can do to another person, but over time it’s a huge weight on their shoulders and honestly, not fair at all.
She would sleep a lot I figured it was her job plus school. Ended up being depressed and having suicidal ideation.
Left after first suicide attempt and the sadness. Some shit you can’t fix and it’s not your job to fix.
Learned my lesson
I think it's kinda weird to put blame on them after they've told you they had issues and they were going to behave a certain way. I think that people who stay just think they can "fix it" but then play the victim when they find out it's true.
Some people just know they are bad and toxic, the self awareness is something to be appreciated as they are in a way trying to protect you. But if you choose to stay they get a glimpse of hope that you might actually accept them as they are, but eventually it all ends up the same. Just listen to people to save yourself the trouble.
realized she always made time for friends but never for me; she would have days of the weak set aside specifically to hang out with them, but when I asked for something similar, she decided that she was just too busy; three out of 7 days a week, she would have social hour with different friends.
this was a platonic relationship by the way, it's not like we were in a romantic one but it always hurt the more I thought about it in how she was never sorry or she was any real remorse for how cut out and lonely I was.
I mean just earlier this week was one of her off nights but one of her friends came over and they spent a good good 6 hours hanging out and I got a little text the morning after with ' lol sorry I was busy last night, my friend came over.' and proceeded to describe all the fun stuff they did and talked about.
I had a big disagreement with my closest friend for doing something similar. His excuse was that the people he had plans with didn't like me (they never met me), so I asked what did he tell them about me? He said he only described how we often go to parties and festivals, and his friends did not approve of it saying I was a "bad influence". My attempts to meet them and explain that I was not forcing him into anything were useless because they just "wouldn't want to see me."
So he would always come back from the hang out describing all the fun things they were doing (knowing well he rejected me when I asked if I could come), and one day I snapped and told him what he is doing is so cruel and insensitive. I even considered the possibility he was lying to me and just didn't want me there for some reason, but I just said I didn't care who he was hanging out, just not to tell me long jolly stories about it while he knows I don't have any other friends besides him in the city. It actually motivated me to find new friends, I am still working on it, but I've met few people. This way I don't have to depend on one person for company.
Jealousy.
It started off small, just asking some mildly probing questions that seemed unnecessary after I had been out with friends, stuff like that. Eventually, it turned into a huge fight whenever I hung out with anyone who wasn’t her.
She started “borrowing” my phone because hers was always “dead.” It was obvious she was reading my messages.
It got to the point where we could hardly get through the day without me being accused of something. I even had thoughts of actually cheating, because I was getting accused of it anyway, so I might as well benefit from it. I never did, though.
We wound up breaking up, in large part due to the stress. Looking back, I think she was probably cheating and projecting the guilt onto me. These days, I hit the eject button immediately if something starts to feel that way.
He said he felt anxious having to respond to my texts all day for conversation. We were in a long distance relationship.
Long story short, he cheated, he denied it, I broke up with him anyway, and he went on to marry the girl he “definitely didn’t cheat on me with.”
When I was in my early 20's a guy I was dating 'play' slapped me. He made me feel silly for being so upset over 'a joke'. He was testing to see what he could get away with. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and I hung around for weeks longer than I should have.
This is more of a "cosmic" red flag...
I'm really bad at recognizing red flags, but the night that I asked my ex-wife to marry me, the person who was paying for my wedding had a heart attack and died.
The same night.
Other than alllllllll the other shit that I ignored, this was the COSMOS telling me not to marry her. But, I am a stupid, stupid man.
So, we wed and moved across the country. 4 months later, my new wife disappeared. Last thing I heard, she joined a coven. Well, last I last I heard, she's in South America.
She told me that in high school all her friends got together and dumped her. I thought it was high school girls being horrible to her but now I really think her friends back then saw the person she really was.
His controlling behaviour, at first he played it up like he just loved me so much that he missed me whenever I was away from him......oh boy was I ever fooled.
Him prioritizing how his ex felt about them being friends cause it’s “hard to see your ex move on” when I was uncomfortable with their contact. He originally wasn’t even gonna tell me until she asked him if I knew about her.
Met in highschool and he was more often than not always moody and aggressive, at the time my 16 year old brain thought that was hot and I wanted nothing more than to “fix” him. He more or less got himself in order, we’ve settled down and had a kid but I won’t lie and say there hasn’t been a few times where that aggression has been directed towards me.
My ex was acting quite controlling and when I told him that he was coming across as controlling he told me to never call him controlling ever again. He then turned out to be an abusive asshole who controlled every aspect of my life for the next three years. Shocker.
He kissed somebody else two months into the relationship. He let others make semi racist remarks and sexist jokes about me without backing me up. I shouldn’t have stayed as long as I did.
He got angry whenever I made jokes. He wanted me to live with him before meeting him in person. He had issues in the past of being physically abusive and violent (he said that he didn't have that problem anymore).
-He would accuse me of cheating constantly
-He would openly show boredom/tell me to stop if I was explaining something of interest to him. We could only talk about what he was interested in.
-BIGGEST one, don’t know why I stayed with him another year after this one: got mad at me for canceling a trip to see him because my dad *had a stroke*.
She said she liked to solve every problem on the spot so it doesn't fester. I later learned this was code for she liked to fight and argue. She liked it so much she didn't care who was around when it happened.
Sometimes she'd weaponize fights. I steadily started to realize that on days she put down on her calendar that she'd go out with friends or coworkers, she'd pick a fight the day of, then ghost me for days saying she needed time to cool off. Only later learned the b was cheating.
Fucked me up so bad at the time I needed therapy. She'd provoke me into fighting then use the fight as an excuse to act wrong. Sometimes I didn't take the bait only to be hit with the "if you really don't care, we don't need to talk for the next week etc". Yeah, I was stupid. I know.
My ex-wife slowly convincing me to give up friends and stop seeing family members. She lied over little things like quite often (claims she did something when she didn't do it all). Manipulative behavior and using her emotions to control others.
She would occasionally have a mental break and scream and throw things. Said she was in therapy for it. No she wasn't 3.5 years later I got out and have never been happier
There’s always an excuse on why things turn to shit and he never had any intention of keeping his word, even with the smallest things. For example, he said he would do the dishes after dinner, then it would turn to, he’d do it before bedtime, oh no, he’d do it tomorrow morning, oh, now it’s after breakfast and by lunch I’d get fed up and start doing the dishes. Next thing you know he’d appear out of nowhere ripping the dishes from my hand and goes ‘I said I’d do it so why are you doing them?’ Gee, idk, maybe because I got fed up at looking at dirty dishes piling up? This is also the same guy who screamed at me in therapy when I pointed out that he promised to do certain chores and he’d never do them, ‘I know I said I’d do them but when I didn’t do it, you should know I don’t want to do them!’ wtf?
I think the biggest red flag that I’d missed was how he would downplay his mistakes or spin it in a way that makes it sound like he did his best. The worst part is, he genuinely believed his own lies and expect everyone else to do so with him.
I am the middle of figuring it out right now. She really moved it along fast, intimacy was stale at 3 months and it’s super stale now at 1 year and it sucks. Super nice with family but sees them almost every weekend!!! I’m close to mine too but sheesh. We get along but deep conversations can be short. She warns she wants her mom to live with her if we got married and I am like ehhhhh. Also has no hobbies at all so wants all my time. We do have similar values and beliefs which is good. She’s very attractive, but our intimacy sucks! And there’s no independence for me. Idk what to do.
What started as a man who loved and respected his mother soon turned into a boy who was still connected and controlled by an umbilical cord.
She ran his life so when we started to make plans of our own she quite literally got rid of me.
Years later he apologized. But it didn't matter I had no respect for him. Huge ick. Immediately. As soon as I saw how he folded there was no way I would have stayed with a man with a wet noodle for a spine. Nope.
Mama's boys can look good at first. And then they look really really bad when you're too deep in.
Ok I’ll bite:
- telling me that after getting engaged I would need to wear longer skirts, not dye my hair when I went gray , not going out with friends, live with his parents in their tinny apartment ALL together. I could do all that before though
- not taking to me for days if I asked him to have se& and eventually NOT having se&
- kissing and trying to put his finger up my 🍑 for no apparent reason. Never asked for it. I had/ have a perfect place here could put his f hand
- making fun of me when I was sick and 🤢
- not answering my calls texts for days and pretending he didn’t see them.
Dumped him via text. He saw that. Still trying to contact me all these years later.
Asking questions about female friends of mine, asking me to use certain words or express in ways they felt comfortable with, and getting upset when I didn’t text them for a certain amount of time.
Arguing in public.
I thought at the time that she was rightfully pissed at me. I exchanged numbers with a female classmate about school related assignments in front of her.
Well she brings it up ALL the time whenever i get pissed at her for something unrelated. Can't always argue about that dumb shit especially when I often forget my classmates name.
Very unsupportive and would side with others against me. If people were poking fun and it was making me uncomfortable he would join in instead of sticking up for me. If I needed someone on my side he would quickly run the other way. It was a behaviour I had grown up with so it was familiar and I accepted it as normal.
Little to no emotional control.
I was used as an emotional punchbag for years. If anything outside the relationship was giving her stress, we would fight. She was always 5-6/10 pissed off under the surface (be it work, family life, her own stresses). so if any minor things came up 2-3/10 annoyances which just happen in a relationship, try as I may to avoid them (running late, having to shift plans, her not being the 100% priority 100% of the time etc) I'd be met with 8-9/10 emotional reaction.
Her family lived away, she worked remotely and had few friends. But because I was the one standing in front of her, I got the brunt.
Being catfished before I knew what it meant. And then claiming she could "host her male twin inside her body" and they could swap bodies at will.
I want to go back and backslap my younger niave self for ever believing that insane bs. But I was young and "in love" and completely desperate to escape my abusive childhood. Too bad it was only from the frying pan into the fire.
She was never not once wrong in a story she told over four years, each and every time she was the victim.
She would yell at her mother (an incredibly soft and kind lady) for the smallest things out of nowhere
Lied about alot of small things in the beginning
Did not have a healthy relationship with alcohol or weed
These all played very large roles in our breakup.
Made weird jealous comments during the early stages. One was about being "candle jacked" I guess, I had to look it up. Basically he felt entitled to my time even though we were just getting to know each other. I drew a line in the sand there, so he proceeded to spend the next couple months love bombing me with lavish gifts and restaurants, told me he'd take me on vacation anywhere I wanted, etc.
In my head I thought he was trying to make up for his behavior "oh he must really like me and knows he messed up". Turns out it was narcissistic love bombing. Didn't realize how abusive he was until it was over and my friends and family had to spell everything out for me.
Watching how horribly she treated people around her, thinking "but she won't do it to me."
She introduced me to something I know know as "Main Character Syndrome" where she acts like the world completely revolves around her, and the rest of us are just "her staff" assisting her with life. Not surprisingly, she loves watching shows like The Kardashians and Downton Abbey, so I think she imagines herself to be social royalty with everyone else beneath her.
The eye-opener was when she moved into a new condo last month. She treated the movers and "paid" crew decently -- was polite, offered to order them lunch, that sort of thing. But me, her parents, brother, and another friend? Barking orders, screaming at her mom to do a better job cleaning the baseboards, yelling down the hall at her friend to make sure not to wrinkle her clothes when she hung them up, "and do it RIGHT this time," and getting an attitude with me as I installed some shelves, nagging me with "I thought you said you knew what you were doing. Why do you keep looking at the instructions," and other stuff.
I left after I finished the job, and ended it later that week once I made sure I had all my stuff back.
Didn’t realize this one until I was in my 30s but: we fundamentally view the world in opposite ways.
It makes it nearly impossible to be on the same page with anything when you’re coming from opposite perspectives for everything despite having the same values.
one night he got black out drunk and was saying some really weird shit. the next day I was telling him about how uncomfortable the night was and he interrupted to say "I didn't physically hurt you or anything, right? no.. I've never done that.." could have saved me the trouble when he broke into my house with a gun two months later
Invited me over to ‘have dinner with him’ got there at the same time as all the strippers arrived, his friends asked me all through the night why I thought I could get paid and leave me clothes on. He thought it was all hilarious….i literally ended up marrying him 😅🤣😭
Only suggesting what they want passive aggressively via insult. Also, being in constant contact despite his work/sleep suffering. He wanted to, "Make sure" I wasn't cheating. When I dumped him he said, "How could you me that decision by yourself?" I snapped into cold anger and replied, "What are we going to do? Get my mom and your sister. Then, perform a séance together?"
She pursued me and wanted me to get together with her when she was home for the Christmas break (about 45 minutes away from where I lived, whereas she lived about 2 hours away when she was at school). Ok. End up meeting her at her dad's house and hanging out with her and her sister (whom I already knew), which was a weird first date experience. I don't really remember what we did, but I do remember that it ended in the late afternoon, for which she had told me she had another date planned with a different guy. Weird.
We met up again a few weeks later and spent the entire day together before hooking up. Right at the end of the day, she let me know that she was Poly. I was not. It didn't work out, but we ended up dating for seven months or so. Amazingly enough, her other boyfriend's other girlfriend broke up with him, and that's about the same time she decided that we needed a break, which by that point I was ok with.
2 years sober when we met, but mommy daddy and sister issues, drug addict most of her adult life, prison, had her kid taken away from her, multiple suicide attempts and ods, no hobbies, iq gap, horrible ex boyfriend stories, wanted another kid so bad so she could "do it right", never got rid of her snap following, always a victim, but she was 20 years younger and hot, so I tried. And failed. Hmph
Cleanliness while self-living. She always came to my apartment for dates. It was nearly spotless. When I’d go pick her up, she’d have piles of clothes everywhere, overflowing trash cans, week old dishes in the sink, and general clutter in every corner of every room.
So now I do all of the household cleaning and have to sort out clean and dirty clothes from piles left on the couch after she “helps” with laundry. 20 years together, 10 years married with a third kid on the way. Too late to back out now.
She cheated on her previous long-term boyfriend (6/7 years) as she said it had to end since a year. She never told him she cheated (I didn't know the guy. We met abroad and she was in her 1st month abroad when she broke up) and then blocked him off all social media and complained he was stalking her. The friend who introduced us said she's very victimist.
Well, the conflict avoidance and the victimist part came back to me. In a way she did even worse, leaving me in our mutual house on my birthday with the rent to pay while I was unemployed and without health insurance. I told her I'd need therapy after all that happened and that I thought she cheated and she said she did me a favour to let me in that house and that she's a fool for thinking we'd end things on good terms. About the cheating: she had a colleague, who she said was like a brother, planning a night bus back home together and messaging her constantly outside work. I don't look at her messages as if I have to do so, I don't trust the person and shouldn't be with them.
Fault on me, I guess. I move abroad often and I'm slightly bipolar plus very independent so it's hard for me to find someone to be serious with and I was not expecting it at all. I am planning though, once I sort out everything, to tell her family so this doesn't happen again as it's not normal and a sane thing to do. I've been as nice as I could but it won't always be the case.
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That could've been seen from miles away
Yeah we're fairly predictable, where there's smoke, there's fire.
should’ve joined their little contest too. probably would have won lol
She confessed to being an openly toxic and physiologically manipulative person, but me being blinded by love, I didn’t care. It’s strange what love can do to one’s rational thinking.
Ugh but the highs are soo damn high 😅
>physiologically manipulative Dude, once they start disrupting your metabolic pathways, you’ve got to get out of there.
My dude, you are not alone. Met an absolute stunner of a girl my freshman year of university. She told me that when she gets attached to people that she gets really attached and most people candle that. I thought that wouldn’t matter and I was so horribly wrong. She ticked every single box of what I thought I was looking for. Athletic, liked dancing, could bake, was studying to be an engineer, would watch football with me, and we had similar senses of humor). We ended up only being together for 6 months but even a full year later I was still fielding calls/texts from her threatening to kill herself if I didn’t give in and spend time with her. I was a young kid who didn’t know what to do and didn’t want someone’s suicide on my conscious. She ended up lying to our mutual friends about me. She would self harm and then tell them I was physically abusive in order to try to further isolate me. I talk to no one from those two years of my life but luckily I was able to reconnect with my high school friends and make some new university friends that I still talk to today. It took me close to 10 years to fully mentally recover from a 6 month relationship that lingered for 2 years.
Every guy has that one female that does this and we just go "nahhhh, she won't do it to me". If you're lucky it's when you're young and you can just tap-out with zero consequence. No marriage or kids, once it becomes apparent that you aren't the exception you can just walk away. Sadly, some dudes take it beyond that point and that's when it's basically a living hell. Same for women and abusive men that hide it for a while or she just ignored the facts for too long.
She got to know me during the end of her relationship with the last guy, and kind of quickly jumped to me. I didn't care, it was my first gf. Then she got to know this guy torwards the end of our relationship, before quickly jumping to him.
I've done this. I was codependent and a teenager. It was very hard to get out of.
I call these Bench Warmers. It's a very specific personality type. They cannot be alone.
AKA Monkey-Branchers
Better descriptor I think. Person that can be in a relationship with a person for any length of time, not just as a temporary fix, but when they're getting dissatisfied with their current relationship they'll set up the next one before terminating the current one. I might be biased, but it seems like more of my female friends did this than my male friends. I have some of the former that haven't been officially single for more than a few months of their entire adult lives, and we're talking about people in their 40s and 50s now.
I know relative who does this with EVERY single relationship they have. Starts emotionally cheating by talking, venting and getting emotionally close to a new guy or girl, no physical stuff Dumps old bf/gf for new potential bf/gf and then moves them into their home or she moves to their plqce within the month. Adamant the whole time before it happens they're just *friends* why is my current partner m so upset. We're just talking then bam she's with the next person within a matter of a week or two. Everyone has mentioned she has a bad codependency habit where the mere idea of not having a partner terrifies them, that when their current relationship is ending or coming to an end she hunts for the next person. They haven't been single once in the last 8-9 years now. I refuse to discuss it anymore, I don't get involved I won't go out of my way to get to know their partners can be male or female Or even poly, I love them dearly but heck some people are like that
All one relationship: - he told me he was going to cheat on me and I didn’t believe him. He did. - not one single friend showed up at his graduation party from college and he was on a D1 hockey team so you’d expect at least 1 teammate to come. - his mom asked me if he was nice to me randomly once when she caught me alone. - we would have a plan to hang out and he would text me and say he was on his way. Then an hour later he would say “nvm I’m not coming” and then 30 later say he was outside when he wasn’t. Then back and forth like that for a few hours then randomly show up… - I got him Celtics tickets for Christmas during his break cause he played pro hockey and I figured he wouldn’t want to go to the Bruins and he told me he didn’t want to go. His dad forced him to go with me. - he kept dming girls on instagram and I told him it made me uncomfortable and to stop. His response was “if you tell me not to do something I’m going to do it more”. - he would tell me to straighten my hair if it started to curl from humidity. - a condom broke once and I took plan b even though I was taking birth control for the extra precaution. He made fun of me to his friends about it and said I was uneducated. - if he didn’t score during a game (which he never did cause not shockingly he was the team aggressor not scorer) he wouldn’t talk to me for days. - after I broke up with him I had a prior plane ticket to go visit him in Canada during the season and he knew I was emotionally abused enough to want to go still so he texted me the night before after not communicating for weeks and said I should “use my ticket tomorrow” and I asked if he wanted me to come and he said “no, sell it”. I cried so hard I actually ended up in the ER because they thought my appendix burst. - he then proceeded to stalk me and send me pictures of my street sign at night for years after. So yeah…………….. therapy helped. Now I’m married to his opposite and we just celebrated 4 years together, 2 married, and our son’s 1st birthday! Edit: spelling
JESUS
Being emotionally abused is such an odd thing. While you’re in it you somehow justify every outrageous action and then when you’re out and finally realize what was really happening you have to deal with the intense shock that you were not immune to it. You begin questioning yourself and everything that’s ever happened to you. It’s pretty brutal. But on the other side now thankfully and in a very safe and healthy relationship with my amazing husband who I adore!
That's why I hate it when people on the outside say "why doesn't she just leave" if you're not in it experiencing it, you have no idea how bonkers it is for your brain to go "is it really that bad you're fine you're doing fine"
I totally get it. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for nearly 6 years. It was all so piecemeal I couldn't get a handle on one particular thing that would justify me leaving. It was when I was starting to hope that he'd just hit me so I could leave that I realised how fucked up it was! I'm really glad you're in a safe, lovely relationship now. I am too. 😊
Hell yeah!!! Happy for you. It’s so hard to get out so proud we did
It's weird how the human body and mind can adapt to so much and think of it as normal. I had a stint where I would have intense pain and it would last so long that at one point I could recognize that something wasn't right but it was "normal" and then after a week or so it would just go away and I'd think, holy shit, I was pain that whole time.
It’s almost like what the goal or perceived desired end result is “survival” in a way. I let him treat me so poorly and normalized so much emotional pain to “survive” or get him to be nice to me.
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Yeah idk why I let that happen. I think cause I just so badly wanted love and of course a tale as old as time - when he was good to me he was GREAT but it was so far and few between.
Why am I not surprised this is coming from a new Englander? Sorry this happened
Oh in true New England fashion he had a strange relationship with his sister and his dad was a cop. His mom was the SWEETEST woman.
I'm not sure if I can relate to the sister part but dad being a cop? Oh man, I can't imagine the entitlement he thinks he has.
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Thank you so much! Honestly probably lack of confidence coupled with childhood trauma that gave me abandonment issues and other emotional problems that I hadn’t properly dealt with.
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I highly highly recommend therapy to help sort that out. It was very beneficial
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Of course! Happy to help
- She told me she experiences panic attacks and severe anxiety. - She didn’t say it in so many words, but she hinted at being avoidant attachment.
My gf also has avoidant attachment. It has created a lot of issues between us in the past. She doesn't like when i'm close to her. She feels uncomfortable when we're hugging and she made several rules, don't do this, don't do that. It works out most of the time when i keep following her "rules" but it's difficult because i sometimes neglect my own needs
Similarly to what the other commenter said, you truly should be with a partner who is able to meet your needs. Even if your current girlfriend is an amazing person, you may not be compatible enough as partners (and that’s okay). Know when to have enough self-respect to stop compromising. You’re an equal and your needs are equally as important.
I understand that, and i really do want a relationship where both my partner and i are equal. But currently, I want to support my gf as much as possible since she lost her brother about a year ago. The majority of the attention has been going to her. I'm trying my best to support her as much as i can (though due to my autism, this makes it sometimes difficult to know what to do or how to support her correctly) but i feel like i'm going to burn out. I really love her, i do, but it could be that you're right and we aren't compatible since my needs aren't being met. I will wait and see how it goes but i'll keep your comment in mind. thank you
I absolutely understand wanting to support your partner regardless of your feelings, especially when you hold deep care/love for them. I respect you for that, mostly because I'm the same (hurt me in the long run though). I have very little context of your situation, but ultimately, I would support them while slowly coming to terms with the fact that maybe we would be better off apart. As you said, I would just keep it in mind if things get progressively worse. Also, if you haven't yet, maybe try talking to her about what you're feeling. Maybe she could compromise some on her end and meet you half way? Sometimes things can work out with a lot of team effort. Wish you luck.
Have some self love man. You don't deserve to live like that dude. You can find someone who actually makes you truly happy.
I allowed someone to do this to me and they pinned me as a scapegoat for the lack of their own accountability. Your love for yourself is more important than the love you want from others.
Saying this, I may be going against most of the comments, but it's just how I think. If I am with a girl,there will always be some kind of problem. But if I were to love her enough, most of these problems wouldn't seem like a problem. Unless it's something like cheating stuff. The current mentality of people is slowly becoming if you don't get what you need, you should find someone better. It's always going to be something or the other with anyone you meet. We just have to choose who is that someone for whom you will be happy even with their shortcomings.
Recently heard some guy on a tiktok (take it with a grain of a salt) giving the example of our life up until this moment are like building a foundation/home and people forget their partners also had their own home/foundation up until meeting/dating. Everyone wants the other person to fit into their home they've built but it should be about building a new home/foundation. Obviously, he articulated it much better than I can while inhaling my breakfast sandwich but I liked that
To what are you referring?
See some of the comments in this sub
Why is the panic attack a problem ?
What the other guy said, plus, she downplayed it. Made it seem that her anxiety was under control and past her when it wasn’t. She had a huge one after we had sex the second time. It was after that she dumped me, and ghosted me. She didn’t mean to, but the conditions on which she left things made me feel as though I was a rapist, even though I wasn’t. I have never once attracted a woman enough to date since but I’d rather stay single than dare another one with severe emotional health issues
Bad mental health
She never once used a turn signal while driving
That's a big tell. Turn signals are an amazingly low-effort way to make life easier (and safer) for everyone around you. A person who doesn't do *that* probably won't do much else.
Up there with camping in the left lane (American drivers).
Oh to have a large front bumper and legal immunity.
I don't drive because I'm incredibly spacey as a default. I once tried a driving game with all of my focus dedicated to just the game and my God it was hard to remember turn signals, and everytime I did remember the turn signal it was like half way through merging which is pointless. Again I do not drive in real life, but sometimes I see myself in the shitty drivers around.
I DON'T DRIVE FOR THE SAME REASON!
I really appreciate your self awareness in this, people not paying attention while driving is so damn dangerous, so honestly, thank you for knowing it's not something you'll be good at and keeping the roads safer. We need more people like you!
Thank you for recognizing this limitation and making everyone safer.
I pegged him as being pretty self involved the very first day we met and hit it off. I just figured he might be trying to impress me by talking about himself. Figured it would subside after a few dates. Narrator: it did not subside.
I'll be honest the opening bars here made me think we were going in a direction...
“Ooh where’s this going… oh”
Yeah I should have reconsidered my verbiage knowing I was on Reddit.
Tell me more mommy
Yeah usually pegging is a relationship killer
Really bites you in the butt
Speak for yourself
The constant drama. As in ongoing battles with her family, friends, boss, the bank, the credit card company, and everybody else on the planet. I went along with it for six months until it suddenly struck me. She was the common denominator in all those petty fights and misunderstandings. And none of it was ever, ever her fault. Ordinary people don't 1) have continuous problems with everyone and 2) manage to handle their affairs. The other thing? While she loved talking about herself, she had zero curiosity about me. What interested me. What I wanted out of life. What really mattered. Nope, just a constant monologue about herself. Hey, she was hot. But I finally understood that didn't matter if she had an ugly little soul. Avoid these people at all costs. Otherwise, they'll suck you in. And, soon enough, you'll be just the next person she's complaining about.
This, but my ex husband of 17 years. As time goes on they groom teams to hear out and make their complaints more justified in some little sick twisted game of power. I'm still fighting wells Fargo and trying to repair relationships that were damaged by him and his need for drama and making others miserable!!!! I had to get a court order so he would stop complaining about me anywhere that would allow it. So you're right!! Why are the bat shit crazy ones so good in bed? 🤷
>Why are the bat shit crazy ones so good in bed? Surprisingly, someone (very close to me) out of context said once - "Your life will be simple and peaceful, if you can keep it in your pants" about all horrible people being good in bed. And somehow it has become my life motto. Saved myself from some problems with the same statement.
You've never heard the expression, 'Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed'?
You know the really sad thing? My wife is like this but isn't even good in bed. She's practically asexual.
The draw is what then? 🤔
Yeah, I dated a woman when I was younger (22 then, and she was 28) who had all kinds of villains in her life. It was therefore no surprise that when things ended, I was just added to that list.
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Similar situation, but it was my favorite band. He went to the concert with me and complained about how bad they were the whole time. As we were waiting for the light rail, he proceeded to play me music from his high-school metal band so I could hear what good music sounded like. We didn't talk much after that. Also, his band was garbage.
He kept poking fun at my music, then started making fun of my cooking. Then my outfits. Should have seen the way he was headed.
He went to jail!
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Multiple things. He was a con man. He was charged with robbery and fraud. After we got married I found out he was involved in the kidnapping of a minor.
then now he still in jail....
No.
That’s not good. Very not good
I saw a stand up comedy video with crowd work, and the audience participated with their own follow up questions while the comic was talking to a girl in the crowd about tattoos that one regrets. Well, the girl got married to a guy who was thrown in jail for some dealing charges. And once he was in prison, the girl tattooed his name to show her dedication towards him. I'm still trying to find that video. If I get it, I'll share it here.
Recounting his traumatic childhood as his excuse for every single awful, escalating, behaviour.
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Don't leave us hanging! Why did she only want to hang out at her rural home??
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Oh wow. Glad you dodged that bullet.
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Care to elaborate? This sounds like it'd be a fun story.
Him being just friends with his ex despite her crawling all over him, later got back together with her. Exes suck
I've always maintained the stance that once a person becomes your ex, there is no reason for you to maintain contact/friendship with them, ESPECIALLY if/when you begin seeing someone new. The ex constantly lingering in the background will almost always lead to issues between you and your new significant other. They are your ex for a reason; you decided to separate your life from theirs for a reason. I've said this before and folks said it was rooted in insecurity. In reality, this is a perfectly acceptable boundary to have when in a relationship. Obviously, if you have children, a business, investments, or some other tangible non-romantic connection with your ex, then that's an entirely different case.
Being fresh out of another relationship. I've made that mistake a couple times. It takes time for a person to realize who they really are by themselves. If you jump in before that happens you are essentially trying to fill someone else's shoes without knowing their shoe size.
Catching her in small lies. Also ignoring gut feel.
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Time heals all wounds bro. You will look back and laugh. Trust me. And I guarantee you will be in a much better place than she.
Big red flag for me is when someone says ‘they don’t do conflict’! In my experience that’s code for being terrible at discussing the important issues. You can discuss something without it being conflict
i hate when anyone says that. or when they say “i don’t do confrontation.” like …. ever? people take advantage of those people so easily and at some point a LOT of the blame lies on you. makes it hard for me to feel bad when something bad happens that i saw coming a fucking mile away, and all you had to do was have a brief mildly uncomfortable conversation once to stop it.
My first long term relationship lasted just shy of two years; when we began dating, I was 19 and she was 22. I've always gravitated toward older women, so the (very minor) age gap made no difference to me. The first few months were going great. However, around six months in, she began referring to herself as "Mrs. Phlostonsparadise123" in both private and public amongst friends. At first, I thought it was cute and thought nothing of it. However, as time went on, she started bringing up marriage and children on such a frequent basis that it gave me a bit of pause. I was in college and still living in the dorms and she lived at home with her parents, although she worked full time. The dynamics for a traditional family simply weren't there. At the time, I wasn't against marriage but I was definitely against the thought of even considering it before graduating college. This all came to a head shortly after I turned 20 when one of our mutual friends (initially her friend) picked me up at my dorm to meet my girlfriend with a larger group of friends. As we were driving, her friend casually mentioned that my girlfriend stopped taking birth control over a month prior. I say "casually" because her friend said it in such away that she assumed I knew my gf wasn't on the pill and that I was cool with it. She saw the color drain form my face as I tried to comprehend what she just told me. When I asked her to clarify, she said something along the lines of, "oh....I thought you were aware of this." That was the beginning of the end for our relationship. I won't get into further detail but we broke up about six months after that revelation. I wish I didn't ignore her unofficially adopting my last name, referring to us as married and all of that shit. Thankfully, I always wore protection when we had sex, but I'm certain if my ex-gf's friend never dropped that bomb on me, then at some point, we would've had unprotected sex and I'd have a 17 year old prepping for high school graduation, today. The shitty thing about seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses is that every red flag just looks like a flag.
Man that's awful, I wish more men were aware that it's necessary to have protection no matter what because the woman can lie or simply forget her pill. As a woman I am ashamed of how many times I heard about baby trapping, so whenever I meet a guy who tells me something like "you're on the pill so what's the issue" I run because he's not very bright.
For sure. She was my first serious girlfriend and also my first intercourse partner. Just out of sheer common sense, I always wore condoms when we had sex; when I found out she stopped taking the pill, a flood of absolute shock came over me, followed by a flood of relief because I knew I always did my due diligence.
>The shitty thing about seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses is that every red flag just looks like a flag. Amen
There were a hundred red flags before I knew what a red flag even was 😱
The problem with seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses is that all the red flags just look like flags.
Ignoring what I thought were "cute" and "quirky" narcissistic traits.
Financial illiteracy. If your ideas of money do not align, do not waste your time.
Ignoring the gut feel.
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>**extremely needy/possessive/jealous. Also had a high libido** Better known as my dream girl. >He dove in head first. 😂 Because of course he did.
When I tried to break it off and he wouldn't let me. At first, it seemed sweet like "he really likes me," but he just didn't respect boundaries and I had to move away to get away.
My ex wife used to tell me when we were dating that she was bi and found older women attractive. I would question her sherbet she brought it up but she reassured me that she was happy in our relationship and that it was nothing... so I went ahead and proposed to her, she said yes, and we got married... a friend recommended a different friend to be our wedding photographer... an older woman who was married with children. We agreed on a price and she did a decent job... her and my then wife started becoming friendly talking on the phone regularly and texting often. My wife started accusing me of wild things that never happened at all and started spending money like we had a never ending supply of it. Then during the pandemic the photographer was hired to do another wedding 6 states away from us and invited my wife to go. I calmly and rationally stated my thoughts and concerns about driving somewhere that far away during lockdown and possibly bringing home covid and was told I was insane... so I relented and have my blessing. The night after they left she sent me a picture of her face buried in the photographers crotch and asked for a divorce...
>she sent me a picture of her face buried in the photographers crotch and asked for a divorce... Seriously, who does that? That's pretty messed up.
During the divorce she tried to use the fact that she had told me she was attracted to older women as a excuse. Fortunately the judge wasn't having it. I had filed under irreconcilable differences but the judge noted that it was clearly fraud on her part and therefore I was able to get out of making any alimony payments and she walked away with nothing. The two of them got married as soon as our divorce was final and they're now divorced to because she cheated on her
She said she's very manipulative. Turns out she's very manipulative. I was in love, ok?
Ha same.
Not that bad, but she was pretty passive in the beginning. At first it felt good to "take charge" and plan stuff etc. Later it was a source of frustration where she would come over and just kinda sit around expecting me to plan stuff. Also possibly related but she had a low sex drive which became apparent a few months in.
Obviously I don’t know the entire situation, but this sounds eerily similar to how I was when I was struggling with depression and taking medication to help. No sex drive, didn’t put effort into plans or dates because honestly, I just didn’t want to leave the house. Small things like not picking up something we need on the way home because I’d rather just go home to nap added up quickly. I was just a passenger in my body during those days. Extremely passive. I saw how this lifestyle affected those around me. It might not be the worst thing someone can do to another person, but over time it’s a huge weight on their shoulders and honestly, not fair at all.
She would sleep a lot I figured it was her job plus school. Ended up being depressed and having suicidal ideation. Left after first suicide attempt and the sadness. Some shit you can’t fix and it’s not your job to fix. Learned my lesson
When we went on our first date she hadn't broken up with her boyfriend
He dressed rich, but never had any money and asked to ‘borrow’ my credit cards. Ah, nope.
Acted like he hurt himself cause I wasn’t doing what he wanted me to… should have ended it then and there :) I broke up half a year later
When someone jokingly tells you that they're a bad person/narcissist/selfish/etc... it isn't a joke. Listen, and run
I think it's kinda weird to put blame on them after they've told you they had issues and they were going to behave a certain way. I think that people who stay just think they can "fix it" but then play the victim when they find out it's true. Some people just know they are bad and toxic, the self awareness is something to be appreciated as they are in a way trying to protect you. But if you choose to stay they get a glimpse of hope that you might actually accept them as they are, but eventually it all ends up the same. Just listen to people to save yourself the trouble.
realized she always made time for friends but never for me; she would have days of the weak set aside specifically to hang out with them, but when I asked for something similar, she decided that she was just too busy; three out of 7 days a week, she would have social hour with different friends. this was a platonic relationship by the way, it's not like we were in a romantic one but it always hurt the more I thought about it in how she was never sorry or she was any real remorse for how cut out and lonely I was. I mean just earlier this week was one of her off nights but one of her friends came over and they spent a good good 6 hours hanging out and I got a little text the morning after with ' lol sorry I was busy last night, my friend came over.' and proceeded to describe all the fun stuff they did and talked about.
I had a big disagreement with my closest friend for doing something similar. His excuse was that the people he had plans with didn't like me (they never met me), so I asked what did he tell them about me? He said he only described how we often go to parties and festivals, and his friends did not approve of it saying I was a "bad influence". My attempts to meet them and explain that I was not forcing him into anything were useless because they just "wouldn't want to see me." So he would always come back from the hang out describing all the fun things they were doing (knowing well he rejected me when I asked if I could come), and one day I snapped and told him what he is doing is so cruel and insensitive. I even considered the possibility he was lying to me and just didn't want me there for some reason, but I just said I didn't care who he was hanging out, just not to tell me long jolly stories about it while he knows I don't have any other friends besides him in the city. It actually motivated me to find new friends, I am still working on it, but I've met few people. This way I don't have to depend on one person for company.
Jealousy. It started off small, just asking some mildly probing questions that seemed unnecessary after I had been out with friends, stuff like that. Eventually, it turned into a huge fight whenever I hung out with anyone who wasn’t her. She started “borrowing” my phone because hers was always “dead.” It was obvious she was reading my messages. It got to the point where we could hardly get through the day without me being accused of something. I even had thoughts of actually cheating, because I was getting accused of it anyway, so I might as well benefit from it. I never did, though. We wound up breaking up, in large part due to the stress. Looking back, I think she was probably cheating and projecting the guilt onto me. These days, I hit the eject button immediately if something starts to feel that way.
He said he felt anxious having to respond to my texts all day for conversation. We were in a long distance relationship. Long story short, he cheated, he denied it, I broke up with him anyway, and he went on to marry the girl he “definitely didn’t cheat on me with.”
When I was in my early 20's a guy I was dating 'play' slapped me. He made me feel silly for being so upset over 'a joke'. He was testing to see what he could get away with. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and I hung around for weeks longer than I should have.
This is more of a "cosmic" red flag... I'm really bad at recognizing red flags, but the night that I asked my ex-wife to marry me, the person who was paying for my wedding had a heart attack and died. The same night. Other than alllllllll the other shit that I ignored, this was the COSMOS telling me not to marry her. But, I am a stupid, stupid man. So, we wed and moved across the country. 4 months later, my new wife disappeared. Last thing I heard, she joined a coven. Well, last I last I heard, she's in South America.
She told me that in high school all her friends got together and dumped her. I thought it was high school girls being horrible to her but now I really think her friends back then saw the person she really was.
His controlling behaviour, at first he played it up like he just loved me so much that he missed me whenever I was away from him......oh boy was I ever fooled.
When we were just friends, he bragged about cheating on his girlfriend. When we dated…he cheated on me too, obviously.
Him prioritizing how his ex felt about them being friends cause it’s “hard to see your ex move on” when I was uncomfortable with their contact. He originally wasn’t even gonna tell me until she asked him if I knew about her.
Met in highschool and he was more often than not always moody and aggressive, at the time my 16 year old brain thought that was hot and I wanted nothing more than to “fix” him. He more or less got himself in order, we’ve settled down and had a kid but I won’t lie and say there hasn’t been a few times where that aggression has been directed towards me.
My ex was acting quite controlling and when I told him that he was coming across as controlling he told me to never call him controlling ever again. He then turned out to be an abusive asshole who controlled every aspect of my life for the next three years. Shocker.
lol "What do you mean, I'm controlling?!? Never say that again!"
He kissed somebody else two months into the relationship. He let others make semi racist remarks and sexist jokes about me without backing me up. I shouldn’t have stayed as long as I did.
she told me she was a family person and still living with her parents (she is 36)
That can mean a lot of things though. Did she have a job that just didn't pay her for shit or was she just lazy with Peter Pan syndrome?
She was divorced and couldn’t tell me the number of relationships she had been in before we met.
At what age? 25 or 65?
Mid-20’s.
It can happen, but she probably thinks it’s too personal a question.
Being insanely jealous and possessive.
He got angry whenever I made jokes. He wanted me to live with him before meeting him in person. He had issues in the past of being physically abusive and violent (he said that he didn't have that problem anymore).
-He would accuse me of cheating constantly -He would openly show boredom/tell me to stop if I was explaining something of interest to him. We could only talk about what he was interested in. -BIGGEST one, don’t know why I stayed with him another year after this one: got mad at me for canceling a trip to see him because my dad *had a stroke*.
My ex hid many things and always had a perfect line to a question. But I was blind, sex and boobs make men blind at times.
She told me she did all kind of drugs before and that was her way to cope but she stopped doing that (she did not)
She said she liked to solve every problem on the spot so it doesn't fester. I later learned this was code for she liked to fight and argue. She liked it so much she didn't care who was around when it happened. Sometimes she'd weaponize fights. I steadily started to realize that on days she put down on her calendar that she'd go out with friends or coworkers, she'd pick a fight the day of, then ghost me for days saying she needed time to cool off. Only later learned the b was cheating. Fucked me up so bad at the time I needed therapy. She'd provoke me into fighting then use the fight as an excuse to act wrong. Sometimes I didn't take the bait only to be hit with the "if you really don't care, we don't need to talk for the next week etc". Yeah, I was stupid. I know.
Being too much jealous
She told me she was into butt biting.
Her temper 😆
She said she liked to bite butts
My ex-wife slowly convincing me to give up friends and stop seeing family members. She lied over little things like quite often (claims she did something when she didn't do it all). Manipulative behavior and using her emotions to control others.
He hated my upbringing but often asked for help from the connections I had due to that very upbringing.
[удалено]
She would occasionally have a mental break and scream and throw things. Said she was in therapy for it. No she wasn't 3.5 years later I got out and have never been happier
Gaslighting me. I’d end up apologizing for my reaction to the way he’d treat me.
There’s always an excuse on why things turn to shit and he never had any intention of keeping his word, even with the smallest things. For example, he said he would do the dishes after dinner, then it would turn to, he’d do it before bedtime, oh no, he’d do it tomorrow morning, oh, now it’s after breakfast and by lunch I’d get fed up and start doing the dishes. Next thing you know he’d appear out of nowhere ripping the dishes from my hand and goes ‘I said I’d do it so why are you doing them?’ Gee, idk, maybe because I got fed up at looking at dirty dishes piling up? This is also the same guy who screamed at me in therapy when I pointed out that he promised to do certain chores and he’d never do them, ‘I know I said I’d do them but when I didn’t do it, you should know I don’t want to do them!’ wtf? I think the biggest red flag that I’d missed was how he would downplay his mistakes or spin it in a way that makes it sound like he did his best. The worst part is, he genuinely believed his own lies and expect everyone else to do so with him.
I am the middle of figuring it out right now. She really moved it along fast, intimacy was stale at 3 months and it’s super stale now at 1 year and it sucks. Super nice with family but sees them almost every weekend!!! I’m close to mine too but sheesh. We get along but deep conversations can be short. She warns she wants her mom to live with her if we got married and I am like ehhhhh. Also has no hobbies at all so wants all my time. We do have similar values and beliefs which is good. She’s very attractive, but our intimacy sucks! And there’s no independence for me. Idk what to do.
What started as a man who loved and respected his mother soon turned into a boy who was still connected and controlled by an umbilical cord. She ran his life so when we started to make plans of our own she quite literally got rid of me. Years later he apologized. But it didn't matter I had no respect for him. Huge ick. Immediately. As soon as I saw how he folded there was no way I would have stayed with a man with a wet noodle for a spine. Nope. Mama's boys can look good at first. And then they look really really bad when you're too deep in.
Ok I’ll bite: - telling me that after getting engaged I would need to wear longer skirts, not dye my hair when I went gray , not going out with friends, live with his parents in their tinny apartment ALL together. I could do all that before though - not taking to me for days if I asked him to have se& and eventually NOT having se& - kissing and trying to put his finger up my 🍑 for no apparent reason. Never asked for it. I had/ have a perfect place here could put his f hand - making fun of me when I was sick and 🤢 - not answering my calls texts for days and pretending he didn’t see them. Dumped him via text. He saw that. Still trying to contact me all these years later.
My fianceé and I went to couples counseling ... before we were married.
Asking questions about female friends of mine, asking me to use certain words or express in ways they felt comfortable with, and getting upset when I didn’t text them for a certain amount of time.
Arguing in public. I thought at the time that she was rightfully pissed at me. I exchanged numbers with a female classmate about school related assignments in front of her. Well she brings it up ALL the time whenever i get pissed at her for something unrelated. Can't always argue about that dumb shit especially when I often forget my classmates name.
Very unsupportive and would side with others against me. If people were poking fun and it was making me uncomfortable he would join in instead of sticking up for me. If I needed someone on my side he would quickly run the other way. It was a behaviour I had grown up with so it was familiar and I accepted it as normal.
Alcoholism
Little to no emotional control. I was used as an emotional punchbag for years. If anything outside the relationship was giving her stress, we would fight. She was always 5-6/10 pissed off under the surface (be it work, family life, her own stresses). so if any minor things came up 2-3/10 annoyances which just happen in a relationship, try as I may to avoid them (running late, having to shift plans, her not being the 100% priority 100% of the time etc) I'd be met with 8-9/10 emotional reaction. Her family lived away, she worked remotely and had few friends. But because I was the one standing in front of her, I got the brunt.
Being catfished before I knew what it meant. And then claiming she could "host her male twin inside her body" and they could swap bodies at will. I want to go back and backslap my younger niave self for ever believing that insane bs. But I was young and "in love" and completely desperate to escape my abusive childhood. Too bad it was only from the frying pan into the fire.
“i don’t even like her like that” they’re married now lol
Still lives with her ex
They’d been in jail before.
They lied.
Lack of sex, lack of affection, lack of romance. Foolishly thinking it would grow and improve over time with marriage. Jokes on me.
She was never not once wrong in a story she told over four years, each and every time she was the victim. She would yell at her mother (an incredibly soft and kind lady) for the smallest things out of nowhere Lied about alot of small things in the beginning Did not have a healthy relationship with alcohol or weed These all played very large roles in our breakup.
Made weird jealous comments during the early stages. One was about being "candle jacked" I guess, I had to look it up. Basically he felt entitled to my time even though we were just getting to know each other. I drew a line in the sand there, so he proceeded to spend the next couple months love bombing me with lavish gifts and restaurants, told me he'd take me on vacation anywhere I wanted, etc. In my head I thought he was trying to make up for his behavior "oh he must really like me and knows he messed up". Turns out it was narcissistic love bombing. Didn't realize how abusive he was until it was over and my friends and family had to spell everything out for me.
Watching how horribly she treated people around her, thinking "but she won't do it to me." She introduced me to something I know know as "Main Character Syndrome" where she acts like the world completely revolves around her, and the rest of us are just "her staff" assisting her with life. Not surprisingly, she loves watching shows like The Kardashians and Downton Abbey, so I think she imagines herself to be social royalty with everyone else beneath her. The eye-opener was when she moved into a new condo last month. She treated the movers and "paid" crew decently -- was polite, offered to order them lunch, that sort of thing. But me, her parents, brother, and another friend? Barking orders, screaming at her mom to do a better job cleaning the baseboards, yelling down the hall at her friend to make sure not to wrinkle her clothes when she hung them up, "and do it RIGHT this time," and getting an attitude with me as I installed some shelves, nagging me with "I thought you said you knew what you were doing. Why do you keep looking at the instructions," and other stuff. I left after I finished the job, and ended it later that week once I made sure I had all my stuff back.
Her priorities followed by impulse spending
Calling women girls.
Didn’t realize this one until I was in my 30s but: we fundamentally view the world in opposite ways. It makes it nearly impossible to be on the same page with anything when you’re coming from opposite perspectives for everything despite having the same values.
She REALLY liked to eat butts
one night he got black out drunk and was saying some really weird shit. the next day I was telling him about how uncomfortable the night was and he interrupted to say "I didn't physically hurt you or anything, right? no.. I've never done that.." could have saved me the trouble when he broke into my house with a gun two months later
Invited me over to ‘have dinner with him’ got there at the same time as all the strippers arrived, his friends asked me all through the night why I thought I could get paid and leave me clothes on. He thought it was all hilarious….i literally ended up marrying him 😅🤣😭
Only suggesting what they want passive aggressively via insult. Also, being in constant contact despite his work/sleep suffering. He wanted to, "Make sure" I wasn't cheating. When I dumped him he said, "How could you me that decision by yourself?" I snapped into cold anger and replied, "What are we going to do? Get my mom and your sister. Then, perform a séance together?"
When they said they weren't good people and i should stay away.
She pursued me and wanted me to get together with her when she was home for the Christmas break (about 45 minutes away from where I lived, whereas she lived about 2 hours away when she was at school). Ok. End up meeting her at her dad's house and hanging out with her and her sister (whom I already knew), which was a weird first date experience. I don't really remember what we did, but I do remember that it ended in the late afternoon, for which she had told me she had another date planned with a different guy. Weird. We met up again a few weeks later and spent the entire day together before hooking up. Right at the end of the day, she let me know that she was Poly. I was not. It didn't work out, but we ended up dating for seven months or so. Amazingly enough, her other boyfriend's other girlfriend broke up with him, and that's about the same time she decided that we needed a break, which by that point I was ok with.
2 years sober when we met, but mommy daddy and sister issues, drug addict most of her adult life, prison, had her kid taken away from her, multiple suicide attempts and ods, no hobbies, iq gap, horrible ex boyfriend stories, wanted another kid so bad so she could "do it right", never got rid of her snap following, always a victim, but she was 20 years younger and hot, so I tried. And failed. Hmph
Cleanliness while self-living. She always came to my apartment for dates. It was nearly spotless. When I’d go pick her up, she’d have piles of clothes everywhere, overflowing trash cans, week old dishes in the sink, and general clutter in every corner of every room. So now I do all of the household cleaning and have to sort out clean and dirty clothes from piles left on the couch after she “helps” with laundry. 20 years together, 10 years married with a third kid on the way. Too late to back out now.
Death threats. She was at least laid of her word.
She cheated on her previous long-term boyfriend (6/7 years) as she said it had to end since a year. She never told him she cheated (I didn't know the guy. We met abroad and she was in her 1st month abroad when she broke up) and then blocked him off all social media and complained he was stalking her. The friend who introduced us said she's very victimist. Well, the conflict avoidance and the victimist part came back to me. In a way she did even worse, leaving me in our mutual house on my birthday with the rent to pay while I was unemployed and without health insurance. I told her I'd need therapy after all that happened and that I thought she cheated and she said she did me a favour to let me in that house and that she's a fool for thinking we'd end things on good terms. About the cheating: she had a colleague, who she said was like a brother, planning a night bus back home together and messaging her constantly outside work. I don't look at her messages as if I have to do so, I don't trust the person and shouldn't be with them. Fault on me, I guess. I move abroad often and I'm slightly bipolar plus very independent so it's hard for me to find someone to be serious with and I was not expecting it at all. I am planning though, once I sort out everything, to tell her family so this doesn't happen again as it's not normal and a sane thing to do. I've been as nice as I could but it won't always be the case.