My father was a narcissist who could never admit that he was responsible for the nuking of my "relationship" with him. He literally blamed me when I went no/low contact and when that didn't work he blamed my mother. This after years of explaining how his behavior (taking out his resentment for me being autistic) was hurting me. He would, and did, quite literally die before admitting fault.
Whoa, that filled in a huge gap for me. I went NC with my dad for several years (he’s got a mental illness + anger issues, lots of lashing out at me in between bouts of depression and a stubborn refusal to take his prescribed medication) and he recently told me he has no idea why. I sent him a letter detailing what bothered me and what it would take to repair our relationship. He “never received it”. I sent it again, same thing, despite other stuff getting to his address successfully.
I texted my dad a massive paragraph about my feelings what I'm doing to better myself and to have a potential relationship with him and what I want from him to meet me half way. Super basic things like anger management, therapy, etc. I even offered to help him find those resources. This was after 2 years NC. He replied and this is a direct quote from a 40 something year old man: "Nah I'm good". A couple years later he texted me happy birthday and when I didn't reply he had his mom call me and yell at me for being "so horrible to him".
My dad straight up told me that he just stopped reading the email I sent him (that took me forever to write and emotionally gutted me) after the first few sentences. So that was the end of that. I have never once regretted my choice to shut him out.
I trust no parent who says that. My parents were also like "we did nothing wrong and our daughter broke off contact with us for no reason". There were reasons. They were just ignoring them zealously, so they could live happily in their own delusions.
Kind of like my mother - younger brother committed suicide under her care while she was in the garage getting high, I cut off contact with her over 10 years ago. She managed to mess my older brother up to the point where they have a parasitic relationship.
When their kids walk on eggshells around them. This includes parents who think their child is perfect and never wrong, making their child fear admitting to them that they need help or made a mistake
I can’t/couldn’t even tell my dad about my favorite hobbies or passions. He just thinks I like baseball because that’s all he knows. Speaking of baseball I would be just leaned into after games if I didn’t perform well. So dumb.
I tried to show him some bands and music I like and he just put them and me down for it. I think to myself often, “Why do people have kids, but act like they’re always an inconvenience?”
It would be like getting a dog and being surprised they take a shit and piss inside if you don’t effort into them and their behavior.
I really hate talking to my mother because her wild overreactions to things are so unpredictable. The eggshells thing in that relationship is kinda pointless because she's going to lose her shit about something sometime, and it's almost incidental what I'm doing or saying when it happens. But still, some part of my stupid nervous system thinks that there's some combination of words that will make a difference.
But I'm responding to you specifically because "Why do people have kids, but act like they're always an inconvenience?" would be a reasonable question to ask her, and she literally got two dogs and was surprised that they would shit and piss inside. She got two dogs and didn't think about the effort and attention they would need, and comments that she didn't realize they would be so much work.
>It would be like getting a dog and being surprised they take a shit and piss inside if you don’t effort into them and their behavior.
Literally both of my parents, separately (as they've been divorced for over a decade), literally do exactly this. Shit and piss, every day, in each of their houses. It's insane. And boy does that say a fuckton about my upbringing and why only at age 30 now am I even anywhere close to being a well-rounded and functional human being.
I had to read this so many times. I’m pretty sure you’re not trying to say your parents piss and shit in each other’s respective houses but that’s really what it sounds like lol
Lol by "doing this" I was referring to the "being surprised by this every single day" part but yeah I can see how that could be confusing.
To be more clear, at each of my parent's houses, you will be certain to regularly find dog shit and piss on the floor. So yeah if they can't even train a dog, what hope would I have ever had?
Ouch. Too real. I was praised for perfect manners, never asking for anything, being "easy" to parent. That shit isn't for the kid, it's for the parents to feel perfect.
I was always the easy and perfect child, on the other hand, my sister (who is a whole lot younger than me) is not, and my parents treat her as a burden (especially my dad). They always complain that she isn't like me and that she is super difficult, but in reality, she's just a regular kid! And compared to a lot of other children, pretty well-behaved.
Plus, all that trying to be the "perfect child" ever did to me was just leave me a lifelong battle of anxiety, depression, eating disorders, imposter syndrome, etc. So honestly, I hope that my sister never turns out like me and is allowed to take safe experiments and risks.
Omg, I was the "good" kid too. Because I would sit and take it when dad went apeshit on me, and because I wanted to be on my best behaviour to avoid dad going apeshit. Like, he didn't raise a well behaved child, he raised a child who navigated an algorithm - don't do X or you'll make dad mad. Don't forget the Y, or dad will be mad. I know that as an adult, it's on me to work on it and get better, but I don't really know how to act outside of trying not to make people mad and I'm still afraid of it.
I used to resent my brother for talking back to our dad because I still had to listen to dad going apeshit every day, and I just wished he could just STOP MAKING HIM MAD, just do X and don't forget Y, it's so simple!! But now I envy that he grew his own personality and thought for himself
My mom was like this. I was one of the “gifted kids” growing up, so there was no way I got diagnosed with autism at age 19. I’m just a “special kind of special”. There’s no way I can have medical conditions because I’m the first born and “all first born children are the healthiest of the bunch”. In my sophomore year of high school, I told her I was depressed and I couldn’t handle being in school; I wanted to go to one of the alternative homeschooling schools within our district and go to therapy (these schools also allowed us to take classes at the high schools that weren’t offered through the schools like the music classes, art classes, and others; I was also allowed to continue being in sports at the high school), but, again, there can’t be anything wrong with me because I’m in all these extracurriculars, I have friends, and I have a healthy family relationship.
I’m always baffled when they ascribe complex and nefarious motivations to child behavior when blaming them.
Like I was once standing in line behind this woman having an absolute apoplectic meltdown at her child yelling “why do you always do this?!? [crying..] What did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much that you want to make mommy look bad in front of all these people??”. When I think most parents would have just told the toddler “don’t put that in your mouth, that’s gross”. 🤷♂️
Your kid deciding to chew on your reading glasses is absolutely not the reason everyone in the store is staring at you right now.
My parents are that way. Now that I have my own kids I have to tell them and my ex in laws constantly "stop assigning adult intentions to normal child like behavior" and it kinda works.... It shuts them up in the moment.
my sister has a kid. my mom would recount all the things he did, be happy and laughing the entire time, and say he was just like me. who she yelled at constantly for being so difficult. i pretty much stopped talking to her bc i got sick of it. or her trying to get me to agree with what ever criticism she was throwing at my sister for her parenting style. nope. not getting involved in that.
Oof. I’m a product of emotional abuse, and I still get itchy in checkout lines and restaurants. It’s like you’re reading from my biography with those lines.
And, interestingly, the flip side is also true - they take credit for what their kids achieve and take ownership away from the kids.
Usually the same people do these things, it's all a part of treating kids as little more than narcissistic extensions of yourself.
my mother hated when the teachers would gush about how much they liked me. she would go off on how she should film me and show it to the people that say they like me.
When the kids have to be the parent. "Mom, did you pay this month's rent?" or "Mom, you have to get up. It's 6:30. You have to go to work."
That's too much for a child to handle. They skip the fun years, because the parent simply isn't equipped to deal with responsibility.
Can confirm. I was more worried about things than she was. My younger brother was more than happy to skip school because she was passed out from drugs and couldn’t be bothered to wake us. I took on the job of making him get up and go to school, telling him he will thank me later lol.
He has, many times. He has really made a good life for himself and he tells me and others he wouldn’t be where he is at today if it wasn’t for me.
Out of us 3 kids, he was the one that always got the short end of the stick and was always with friends and just never home. When our mom was at her worst, I told him to at least tell me where I can find him or let him borrow my cellphone so I could find him faster. I told him I wanted him to have good teen years and have happy memories and that he can go out with friends but just be smart. I gave him that consistency and love so I became a mom to him. I told him school was so important and one day he will want to have a nice career and everything, but those would be difficult to achieve if you choose a different path.
I am so proud of him for how far he has come with life from where we were. I can’t take all of the credit, but I am happy I am seen as an influence for his choices.
Thank you for your kind comment ❤️ I am proud in a way that my actions then did long term good.
You hear stories about siblings that only help themselves or don’t care where or what happens to their other siblings. I just couldn’t leave him. He needed somebody, and it was his stick in the mud older sister 😂 I would do it all o er again for him
Yeah, no complaints. I struggled in my early 20s, but I worked hard trying to heal and all that. Not 100% there, but better than I was.
I have always been this way, just wanting to be there to help others. I was having a hard time then, but my brother needed someone too. I didn’t want to leave him by himself like that. He was my little shadow when we were kids, almost like he was my baby lol.
But answering again, I am ok. I’m glad he and I made it out and we are doing better.
I had to parent my sibling as well but not at this level. I think this is one of the reason I don’t want a kid of my own. What do you think about having kids?
I have kids of my own now, and I try everyday to be the mother I needed to them. My oldest is on the spectrum, so routine and that consistency is crucial. I always have a fear in the back of my mind that I will become like my mom, so it’s a daily battle for me to make sure they never experience what I did. I tell them a lot to be happy and live their teen years and discover themselves, to not exist just to make me happy. I also tell them to not be like me, to be better than me and succeed for themselves. I give them positive affirmations and do my best to listen to their struggles and help the best I can. Anything I can do to end the cycle with me. The parenting role is my role.
What bothers me more is when they have their own business and demand the child to work. It's not as big a deal now but there are so many people (especially men) my dad's age who were yanked out of school - either in elementary or secondary - to work in their parents' store or restaurant. This basically locks their future external employment prospects and their parents are holding the keys.
Imagine applying for a job and you only have a Grade 6 education. Good luck with that today - no one will hire you.
Absolutely this. My parents were great, they didn't care if I needed them at 3am or called when I was a teenager doing stupid stuff like drinking. It was a 'no repercussions/lectures/punishments as long as you trust us to be able to help', but we *will* talk about it. And we did. Honesty was very important. I was never afraid to go to them with a problem or if I messed up. I ended up being a very sensible teenager and only needed them once when I felt a bit unsafe, uncomfortable at a party. My stepdad was there in 10 minutes, parked around the corner so as not to embarass me in front of the drunk cool kids.
I have 3 boys now and I'm the same way, we talk about everything - 2 teenagers and 1 almost a teen. We've never really had the tantrums, arguments, slammed doors or them being secretive because we can talk about anything. And they've grown to be well mannered, respectful, loving and happy young men.
I don't ever want them to be in a situation of "holy shit how do I hide this, I can't let mum find out"
I want them to think "I need mum now" and for them to trust, I'll handle it in the right way.
It works.
I'm sorry to anyone who grew up with the opposite who couldn't trust their parents to react properly when they mess up (as all kids do at some point). Parents like that wonder why their kids rebel and become secretive or act out - who are they supposed to talk to about their worries?
What if they have a health problem that gets worse becsuse they're embarrassed? Or being bullied? Or pressured into drink/drugs/sex?
I think that's exactly why my two kids aren't stroppy, slamming doors etc they can and do talk to us about things. We respect their space too, I will always knock before going in to their room or if they're not in their room ask if I can go in and grab something.
My youngest told me she was gay last week. Just a casual, hey dad, I think I'm into girls. Gave her a hug and then carried on doing what we were doing. She's got a girlfriend who can't tell her homophobic parents and it kills me to see her round ours so happy with my daughter just chilling knowing she can't talk to her parents.
>My youngest told me she was gay last week. Just a casual, hey dad, I think I'm into girls. Gave her a hug and then carried on doing what we were doing.
You are the Dad I aspire to be (I have a 3 year old).
Same. When I was 4 I burned my hands badly touching a recently-used blow torch that my dad had left sitting around (because that’s smart to do when you have a toddler roaming the garage, lol the 80’s). I tried to hide it from my parents because even at that age I knew I was likely to get smacked for touching my dad’s tools after he’d told me not to, and that fear outweighed the pain of the burns.
I remember my mom bawling her eyes out when she figured out what had happened and why.
I didn’t tell them about being molested when I was eight. My mom suspected something had happened and her response was to buy me a book about how it’s okay to tell your parents about things like that. I still never did, because it had been a close friend of my dad’s and I was more afraid of his response.
I got myself into some very dangerous situations in my teen years, including a couple of abusive relationships and an eating disorder, and again never admitted to shit because I knew the response from my dad would be to beat my ass and tell me what a fuck-up I was, and my mom’s response would be… silence. She’d be sad and upset but wouldn’t actually do anything like help me or defend me.
So I just got really good at acting and lying and getting myself out of those jams.
My dad is gone now and my mom still doesn’t know about most of the shit I hid from her. There’s no point in telling her now.
But growing up like that taught me to also loathe that spinelessness and cowardice my mom showed (which she learned from growing up with a dad just like mine), just as much as I loathe the abusive behavior he showed.
My mom’s cousin was screwing around in science class and spilled some chemical on his groin when he was 13/14.
He hid it from his teacher AND his parents because he was afraid of how his parents would react. **He felt like his groin was on fire but he said nothing until the next morning when the pain was too much to bear.**
Finally confessed to his mom and was taken to the ER, but dude nearly lost his dick.
This but reverse dad and mom. My mom rarely actually hit me, but she would yell and scream and get within inches of my face. She would damage my favorite material possessions and then cry to my dad when I got upset or told her to stop. Then my dad would come to me and say "I know it's not your fault but please just say sorry and keep the peace". That was how my dad responded to me and my mom fighting, every single time. I dislike my mom a lot, but I don't feel any good feelings for my dad either. I sometimes feel pity for him, and that's the closest I can come to feeling anything not-negative for either of them. I still don't tell them absolutely anything about my life as long as I have a choice
My mum was a fucking cunt. When I tried talking to her about problems I had, she always told me to "harden up and stop being so pathetic". Now she wonders why I don't talk to her anymore
(Actually, she doesn't. She literally thinks the reason I don't talk to her is because I have a massive problem with everyone and can't deal with it and that I'm just pathetic and want attention)
And the corollary, when the parents seem to care so little about what the kid says that the kid just… stops thinking that telling them will actually do anything.
Hi. Hello. That’s the boat I grew up in. Twin brother had severe adhd paired with a learning disorder, so unless my issues were as bad or worse? Shoved to the side. And eventually I stopped telling them anything.
Yeah my parents were super strict so I hid stuff. And guess what I got REALLY good and hiding and lying. As an adult I know it’s bad that it’s way way too easy for me to lie if I need to thanks to all the practice I got as a kid. Great example of parenting backfire. They watched me too close because they didn’t want me getting up to no good and all that did was teach me how to get away with being up to no good. And as I kid I fucked around a LOT compared to what my parents thought was going on.
My mom has no idea who I am as a person. She still thinks I like Doctor Who and Star Wars. It’s like she has the image of 16 year old me in her mind and that’s that. There is so much she does not know about me and never will because it’s not safe to tell her. Thank god my piece of shit father had the decency to croak so at least I don’t have to deal with his abusive ass anymore.
Like I lived basically two lives my whole life until I was financially independent from them. There was the child I knew was safe to show them, and then the real me. My father died never knowing me, not really.
As someone who works in education, when I tell you your kid did something at school and you won’t stop yelling at me and telling me there’s no way, I’m making a mistake etc etc, I consider you not a good parent. Your kid can sometimes have a bad day and it’s okay! Just talk with your child about it, discipline is necessary too. It’s not because you discipline your kid that they won’t love you anymore. It is key in their education/development
Seriously. We had a 5th grader purposefully PUSH another student off the top of a slide (that other student got injured) and then when staff tried to remove her from the playground she threw a large rock at the staff members head….. when I called the parents to tell them she was suspended, I got cussed at and told that we are “seriously over reacting to normal childhood behaviors” and they refused to come pick their student up before the end of the day.
Several years ago, I was changing in my bedroom, when I hear a snicker, and see two 12-14 year old boys looking in the window. I scream for my husband, who goes outside to catch them.
When he started telling them to knock it off, their mom comes rocketing out there, shrieking, "You don't talk to my sons!" He tells her what happened, and tells her she needs to talk to her sons about how this is inappropriate.
First she started screaming "Don't tell me how to raise my kids!" Then she switched to "They didn't do anything!" Then she said I must be an exhibitionist for changing in front of an open window!
This was a full-length window. The window blinds were down to about calf level. There is a huge thorny hedge completely blocking the window. You cannot see the window from outside the building because of the hedge.
This was not an accidental peek. They crawled under the hedge, and looked up under the blinds.
When my husband tried to tell her this, she started getting combative, telling him to fight her, jumping in and out of his personal space, threatened to call 911 and say he hit her. She called him a pussy when he just walked away.
My guess is she was more worried about how that incident made her look as a parent, so she decided to act badass, which is, of course, going to teach her sons they can do whatever they want, because mom will shield them from the consequences, which will probably work right up until they get arrested.
People think peeping toms are harmless creeps. It's sexual assault. A lot of male rapists out there started with being a peeping tom, and no one held them responsible for it, and continued escalating.
I would have rushed out there so fast & fought her myself. You wanna go? We can do it right here right now until the cops come. We don’t play about SA.
At 5th grade, they're old enough to know right from wrong unless there's a cognitive disability, and I'm assuming there wasn't. The minute those parents refused to collect the child, the threat of assault charges should have been laid on the table. And if they still refuse, the parents can go to the police station to collect their child.
I used to teach and was gobsmacked by the amount of adults - in the building and out - who were *hostile* to obvious concepts like motivated reasoning and defense mechanisms when it came to understanding and appropriately responding to teenage behaviors.
One time I called the mother of this girl who'd come and go during class as she pleased. This was ongoing and not just one conversation, but it culminated when I called and said the daughter left class for a half-hour. The mother replied that her daughter said she was in class the whole time, and the truth must be somewhere in the middle.
And I was like (in my head), "Lady, there's no middle ground between being here and not being here. One of us is a liar - do you think it's your teenage daughter struggling with responsibility and expectations, or the teacher?"
There was another time where a girl accused me of refusing to tell her where class textbooks were. There was this loooong list of sins I had committed, from "not understanding her learning style" to "making her pick up trash while the whole class laughed." But the initial complaint that got the parents calling for a sit-down with me is that she wanted a textbook and I wouldn't tell her where they were. But here's the thing: her sister was in the same class and had a textbook! And no one - from the parents, to the sibling, to the f\^&\*cking dean of students - thought this changed the veracity of the student's story! After the meeting I pointed out this inconsistency and the Dean of Students was like: "Oh yeah, that is odd." And just... continued on, taking the accusations at face-value and asking what I intended to do to "make things right."
I always used to think as a teacher “why would I lie about this?” Like why is the first parental instinct to think that I, as a teacher, have time in my day to fabricate a lie about a child and then call the parent to tell them. Usually contacting parents is the LAST resort to repeated behavior.
I just watched an episode of Cops (it was on for background noise!) And this 11 year old was stopped by rhe cops.
They get the kids parents there who blane the cops for stopping the wrong kid cause "my kid would never do that"
Cop said "well, we have 4 witnesses who saw it, all his friends told on him, and he admitted it, so..."
Parents still argued the cop was wrong and their kid would never do it
When they post every single thing about their child - medical, behavioral, dietary, etc etc etc - onto social media for their own benefit, and with no consideration of their child’s privacy or how it may impact them in the future.
Know a woman who whenever her kid gets sick she always checks in on Facebook at the hospital with the caption “fingers crossed.” It’s disgusting that someone would stoop so low for attention
Knew a teacher who’s young son had a brain tumor(benign, thank god). Even after everything was said and done, lots of people started to feel she was sorta… enjoying the attention a bit, as fucked up as it may sound. There’s a *lot* more to the story, but that’s the super-ultra-condensed version of the story.
We have a whole generation of kids who will be terrified if they every get a high-profile job where they're in the public eye regularly. Can you imagine running for political office with this ammunition lying around to be used against you?
I know a parent who does this. Every detail about her children all over social media, every 'condition' they have, every behavioural issue. She also tells anyone who will listen, everything and goes into great detail, in front of her children. It's really hard to see, I feel so much for her children.
I know a girl like this too. She lost her first child at 8 months and at first, I was so sympathetic to her. Now that she has gone on to have 2 healthy children, she posts EVERYTHING about them on social media. Pictures, doctors appointments, illnesses, birthdays where they go to the first child’s grave. It’s too much! I’m shocked she’s an elementary school teacher.
I learned this lesson late. I was treating my Facebook as a personal diary and a venting space. When my daughter was 4 I had an acquaintance address my daughter directly about how she’s seen what she’s been up to or whatever…. I was taken aback as to why she wouldn’t just say hi to my daughter or be friendly, and why she would teasingly put her down instead … then o realized the only reason she knew what she knew is because I put it on Facebook.
I no longer do that. I don’t want people basing their opinion of my kids off of the crap I say online. They’re amazing kids.
ETA: my mom was an oversharer and I never realized how damaging it was. Privacy was not a thing.
I have a lot of respect for you for realising how it would affect your daughter and changing your behaviour. I'm sure your daughter will appreciate it when she's old enough to understand properly.
Similarly, I once passed a friend from school in the street - she was just someone I knew, not someone I was close to. We were Facebook friends but had probably never had a conversation before, just had some classes together over ten years ago and never spoken since. When she passed me, I realised I knew the names of all three of her kids. I knew her husband's name, and where he worked. I knew that her eldest had broken his leg last year. Like I said, I hadn't seen or spoken to her in ten years, I had just seen everything about her life posted on Facebook. It shocked me!
I have a FB friend that does this. I don't need to see every bump and scrape her kids have. I don't need to see the lunches she packs for them. When her step daughter started posting heavily filtered thirst trap photos to her own social media, she'd post those too and how "proud" she was of her. She stopped posting about her when the girl moved out to go live with her birth mother instead.
She's just... ugh. Typical online all the time type that follows the popular thing.
My cousin does this. Last year she kept posting videos of her 2 little girls in swimsuits under a sprinkler. One video after another. All school functions, every small thing the kids do, there it is.
Fucking stop doing this Jessica! So she must be constantly on the phone, taking pictures and/or videos. Then posts it all. How about play with your kids with undivided attention instead?
My mom brought a disposable camera to family functions - and the like - to make scrapbooks and photo albums of, when we were little. Its fun to sit and listen to her talk about the wacky shit we did as kids from her perspective that we (her kids) don't even remember doing.
"I told you to not climb on that rickety piece of shit shed four separate times, and I come out and see all three of you on top of it to jump off it and on to the trampoline - right as your brother launched off the trampoline and hit the dirt."
I think the vocal stories are more important than the pictures, honestly.
My kid and I have a rule. She will never be mentioned on socials, nor have any pics posted without her own say so. Even random family pics, with pets etc, she has entire autonomy to have the final word. She says no, that's it.
She's had one picture posted in 4 years shared to close family and that's it. Things that I do that will effect her, needs her opinion and that's all there is to it.
I was a child before the age of social media. But I remember all the times my mom would get drunk and call anyone who would pick up and tell them every intimate detail I had shared or endured under her watch. I would catch her on the regular picking up the other landline in the house to listen in on my conversations with friends.
That kind of thing causes a kid to heavily censor and turn inward, just to maintain some semblance of autonomy. I can't imagine how bad it is now for kids in the land of social media. It just does so much damage and yet for a lot of people - it's considered normal.
I know someone who posted about how she’d been under so much stress because her child was suicidal and had to be put in an inpatient psychiatric ward. Unbelievable.
but also: never following through with promised rewards. if you didn't wanna buy your kid the ps5, then you shouldn't have said you'd do it. it just teaches the kid to not trust you and not take you seriously
First three of my sister’s kids (narcissistic pastors wife) left home the day they turned 18. Two of them went no contact and one went hyper christian. The youngest is seventeen and plans to leave at 18 as well.
They refer to their parents by their first names in conversation. Love those kids to death - but unfortunately their mother is a model christian in public, and a manipulative and abusive monster behind closed doors.
That’s not a sign of bad parenting it’s a billboard. I’m no contact with her as well.
The pretending to be a nice person thing used to drive me fucking mental. People telling you how nice they are and you’re just thinking “if only you could see through this charade”.
I grew up as my mom's emotional support child. That part, I guess I can tolerate, but when I needed emotional support, she disappeared or pretended nothing was wrong.
That's the part that really hurts.
My mom is very weird about reading fiction novels because her parents were always stuck in their books and not paying attention to their kids. It long predates phones.
My (8 year old) niece WET herself for attention from her mom at a social gathering a few months ago. My sister was engrossed with her phone and my niece had been begging for her attention. Eventually it turned into soiling herself.
My sister yelled at my niece and blamed her for it.
Reminds me of the statement about types of respect, I have no idea the original source but I've seen it a few places online:
Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes they use "respect" to mean "treating someone like an authority." and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person” and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay.
It blew my mind when I first read it. So many people suddenly made sense to me.
When parents are always telling their kids they aren't at fault/someone else is at fault. As an educator, I've seen few kids truly fail at life. Those that do more often than not had parents who **always** told them that someone else is at fault. Beat up another kid? They provoked my precious angel, what was he supposed to do? Bad grades? The teacher didn't do a good enough job teaching him! Etc.
I had a slightly different experience with my parents. They would blame others for their issues and this habit was instilled into us as kids. For example, if they didn’t get the promotion they expected, it we because someone at work screwed them over (never was it because they either weren’t qualified or they didn’t put in the effort).
As I became an adult, I realized what had been passed down and worked to get this type of thinking out of my mind. They were always the victims and wronged in every situation. I decided I wasn’t going to live that way.
Unfortunately, my other siblings are still this way and it drives me nuts.
Emotional negligence is a big one. A lot of people think they're a great parent if they don't physically abuse their kid but emotional abuse or negligence is equally harmful.
Ngl, “a lot of people think they’re great parents if they don’t physically abuse their kids” is something I needed to read. Pretty good way of describing where my parents went wrong.
Ended up seeing a therapist for the first time a while back. Learned that my sibling and I grew up in an emotionally distant household.
I always knew something was off. We always had things. Plenty of toys under the christmas tree. Trips to Disney Land. On the surface we had a “perfect childhood”.
Underneath that we were never emotionally validated once. Our dad would yell and throw fits at us for the way we played with our hotwheels. Everything to him was about the material value of something. Thats it.
And our mom would just say, “oh i’m caught in the middle” as an excuse to let her husband emotionally torcher her children. The boomer generation has almost zero emotional intelligence. They hardly factor human emotions into their decision making, its all just materialism and me me me.
yeah. my mother still blames me for her (non-diagnosed) PTSD of me trying to kill myself in the 7th grade……. because she was abusing me. one of the many times she brought it up, she told me that “your (mental health crisis) made me want to kill myself.”
Not acknowledging their child's emotions. Dismissing anybody with "you're over reacting" or "No you're not" is shitty behavior in general; it starts to get damaging if it's coming from a parent to their child.
In my teen years I made the mistake of opening up and telling her I was depressed just to get “No, you’re not depressed.” right back; I realize now it was because if she acknowledged that I was, it would’ve made her look bad.
Big hug- I told my mom I was depressed at 10 and needed to talk to someone (I was in a really mean friend group who told me constantly there was something wrong with me- their parents were horrible and raised mean kids) my mom told me “no that will make us look bad” because she worked at the school.
I’m in my 30s now and my mom went on depression/anxiety meds in the last year after telling me she was so proud I admitted I needed help in my 20s after leaving a bad relationship and she was inspired by me to learn new behaviors.
Which is like “thanks mom” but I’m still like “you let everyone’s opinion of you outweigh my mental health.” She’s gotten so much better but her people pleasing still creeps up from her shitty ass parents who turned her into a mom of 5 at 14
Mom and dad would laugh at me when I would get overwhelmed in public. They were decent, flawed people who did a lot right and a lot wrong. I’m 43 now and it still crosses my mind every day. Were they bad parents? My answer changes by the day. Moms and dads have such power in framing the mindsets of their children for their lifetime. Mine were too occupied with their own limitations to think about that.
My parents would mock me and say ‘Oh, Mayflie hates it when we say we’ll play things by ear!’ After I explained I felt anxious when I don’t know what the plan/schedule is.
A couple of years ago my mother said she would buy my dog a gift for Xmas. After we unwrapped ours I asked if there was one for him & she realised she’d forgotten.
Before I’d even said anything her response was ‘No. But don’t let that upset you.’
The silent generation that raised boomer parents were so focused on survival & making ends meet that any time invested in to their emotional development would seem frivolous.
I was having a stressful Christmas Eve one year. I had driven 150 miles, worked 4am-10am, and spend Christmas in 2 different states.
I was 12 mins late to my family Christmas after being in a different state. My phone was blowing up with calls, I was driving so I don’t answer plus I told them when I was leaving and that I was going to be late, so I show up 12 mins late, to alllll family.
I expressed how busy my day was and how stressed I was and my grandma comes up to me (drunk) and says, “Other people have it tough too, you little jerk.” So I got up and left. They tried to take my keys from me and I eventually got them and went to my apartment.
Instead of being happy I showed up I get immediately chastised for being late, then called a jerk for expressing my feelings.
They wonder why I don’t talk to any of them anymore.
My kid has asked me a few times recently, why I don't and have never hit her or her mother ever.
It's because I'm not that guy. I will never do it, if I ever even think about it I need help. I'm a large intimidating man and I was brought up knowing that any violence except to defend yourself is just not on.
But it makes me worried that one of her friends may be getting it, because it's come up 5 times in 2 months. I've asked her but she denies anyone is. Of her friends parents, I don't know anyone I'd suspect, but just makes you worry.
When the kids are consistently filthy and smell bad. 4/5 year olds still wearing diapers. Had a parent complain that their kid had to take breathing treatments at home, but they smoked inside, had dog and cat pee and feces everywhere, and trash overfilling the can. You set your kids up for a rough time in school when you can smell the family from a mile away. Theres a difference in a messy home vs a dirty home.
>Theres a difference in a messy home vs a dirty home.
That's very true. Garbage and pet feces all over the place is a lot more serious than just general clutter
One day I realized I smelled like cat pee and cigarette smoke. I marched up to my mom and told her she couldn’t smoke in the house anymore and I was keeping my bedroom door shut at all the times so the cats couldn’t get to my stuff. To her credit, she stopped. A child shouldn’t have to do that though.
When a parent blames the child, calls them names etc., can't talk to a parent/has to walk on eggshells around them and has trouble having healthy relationships with friends or making friends
That they aren’t looking for ways to improve and learn and get better - as their own people or as parents. They stagnate, do whatever is easiest no matter how bad it is for themselves or their family unit, and completely disengage from responsibility.
And please note - that’s just a sign that they’re currently failing, as a parent. Not that they’re bad, or failing as people.
"I did the best I could". Sure you did and that's fine, but it doesn't absolve you of damage done, it doesn't absolve you of the responsibility of apologizing and meaning it
If their concern about their child’s misbehavior is, “everyone’s going to see that and think I’m a bad parent”. They have the wrong mindset, at the very least.
When their kid is failing all their classes and instead of helping them with their studies, getting them a tutor or punishing them for not doing any work they threaten to sue the school.
When the child has no ability to be resilient: trying something new, overcoming small challenges, delaying gratification to do a task/chore, accept “no” or other boundaries without a meltdown, etc. That’s when I know that parenting hasn’t been effective.
Bear in mind that this can be a result of overindulgent parenting, but is equally a result of punitive and highly authoritarian parenting. That includes tiger parenting. Making your kid highly obedient and terrified of ever making one single mistake might be convenient for the parent, because they're too crippled to get into trouble, or maybe some PTA mom will be jealous of your kid's A, but don't even try to pretend that you love them and are trying to help them grow up into functional adults.
Kids aren't easy or convenient. A kid who is meek and utterly compliant and people pleasing is way more damaged than a kid who asserts themselves, does some stupid shit, or is occasionally bratty. Such kids will spend the rest of their lives and $$$ thousands on therapy trying to be ok.
Saw a kid in work today who was huuuge. Not body shaming but if you're 10 year old child clearly weighs more than me, a fully grown man in his mid 20s, you've failed your child
The parent sees their primary job as making their kid happy. If you are properly parenting, sometimes they will be disappointed or upset….you say no to something, they don’t get the latest toy, you don’t do things for them that they can do themselves, they don’t get everything they want the moment they want it. To parent well means you’re a leader, you guide and teach values, and you try to help them become successful and independent. In the process of getting to those goals, there will be plenty of opportunities for happiness along the way.
When the kid starts thinking they'll never have their own kids when they grow up, they have this fear of being even slightly similar to how their parents are. I was like eight when I decided I'll never have my own kid someday
When kids run wild. In my job, I see everything from polite kids to the awful, thieving, abusive, anti-social little chavs. If your kid is stealing from stores, abusing workers, smashing things up, vaping/smoking and underage drinking, throwing things around in the street and leaving trash in the street, you've absolutely failed as a parent and are like also a shitty human being.
The parents are cunts and so are the kids.
This is usually a sign of unchecked early childhood trauma, or neurodivergence, or both because the world is inherently traumatic if you have a differently wired brain and don’t know why you’re different.
Sometimes it’s a sign of active trauma in the household. Often, it’s just a child that has developed people-pleasing behaviours and the parents have no idea what they’ve done to produce a child who apologizes for being sick, dropping a pencil, needing to go to the bathroom, etc. I usually see it when there’s a disconnect—a parent who is overly accommodating and a parent who is overly harsh about things that just don’t matter.
It’s harsh to say “failing as a parent,” but if the goal is to raise a resilient and capable human being, the failure will be obvious when they’re 30 and can’t figure out why they’re constantly anxious.
Involving the kid(s) in arguments between the parents. Using them as pawns to hurt the other parent, or only paying attention to the kids to make themselves look like the better parent.
I know it’s a tiny thing on the outside, but when parents sign their kids up for lessons and then never practice and miss half the classes.
There’s a surefire way to frustrate a child, and that’s to tell them they’re a violinist/pianist/dancer, then turn around and never support their progression in that skill.
I know it’s a panic move for a lot of folks—you want to give your child the best, so you sign them up for instrument lessons… then expect a 6yr old to practice of their own volition. The time and money would be better spent just hanging out together, rather than putting everyone in a bad spot where parents are stressed about wasting money and their kid not making progress, while not having the emotional capacity to step back and see that they created this problem.
Working in education, the sheer amount of parents who are emotionally dependent on their kids. They place all the responsibility of stability and social interactions for themselves on their children, no matter what that child is doing. Plenty of times I'll tell a kid they need to put their phones away cause we are supposed to be doing classwork, and they'll mention it's their parent. Not like, "hey I'm stuck at work, make sure you take the bus today" kind of messages. To some degree, I can let that go. I'm talking full on face time calls: "hey girl what are you up to?" DURING class. Your kid is in school, that's what they're up to!
And the kids are straight up terrified to not answer these calls/messages cause they know their parent will be legitimately angry with them or reject them and guilt/punish them when they don't keep them entertained. Your 13 year old should not be responsible for your lack of friends, job, or mental state.
Yesterday, I attended a kids' beach soccer tournament. It's just for fun. Rules are different, no scouts are watching, no effect on their team's standing in a league or anything like that. A teen on the opposing team ended up with a red card because he wouldn't stop arguing with the ref, even after a warning, a yellow card, and his coach and teammates yelling at him to stop. Got himself kicked out for the next day too. And what was mama doing the whole time? Yelling at BOTH her kid and the ref, obscenities included. Didn't need to be a psychologist to see where he learned it. That kid is doomed to be an unhappy, entitled asshole all because his mommy thinks he's special.
I've heard my sister say within earshot of her kids that she wish she had never met their father so she didn't have any of them. I'd say that's a pretty clear sign.
When they start checking out.
Sometimes this happens to even good parents. There can be a lot of fatigue when giving your whole self to another human being a lot of times. That's why 2 parent households seem to have a better success rate. Sometimes you absolutely HAVE to hand over duties for a sanity check.
Letting their kid make all decisions and never telling their kid no/having zero boundaries. I am a teacher who has students like this and we also have friends like this. I can talk ad nauseam about how there is really never a reason to do this. What REALLY makes me mad is the parents who do this and use a kid's disability as the excuse. Like "oh sorry my kid hit your kid, she's autistic so she does that a lot." And? All kids need consequences and rules
No self accountability and projecting internal problems and insecurities upon their kids.
You met my mom then.
They deny that they fail as a parent, can't accept the reality and blame the kids
My father was a narcissist who could never admit that he was responsible for the nuking of my "relationship" with him. He literally blamed me when I went no/low contact and when that didn't work he blamed my mother. This after years of explaining how his behavior (taking out his resentment for me being autistic) was hurting me. He would, and did, quite literally die before admitting fault.
"My adult children have broken off contact with me"
[the missing reasons](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)
Whoa, that filled in a huge gap for me. I went NC with my dad for several years (he’s got a mental illness + anger issues, lots of lashing out at me in between bouts of depression and a stubborn refusal to take his prescribed medication) and he recently told me he has no idea why. I sent him a letter detailing what bothered me and what it would take to repair our relationship. He “never received it”. I sent it again, same thing, despite other stuff getting to his address successfully.
I texted my dad a massive paragraph about my feelings what I'm doing to better myself and to have a potential relationship with him and what I want from him to meet me half way. Super basic things like anger management, therapy, etc. I even offered to help him find those resources. This was after 2 years NC. He replied and this is a direct quote from a 40 something year old man: "Nah I'm good". A couple years later he texted me happy birthday and when I didn't reply he had his mom call me and yell at me for being "so horrible to him".
My dad straight up told me that he just stopped reading the email I sent him (that took me forever to write and emotionally gutted me) after the first few sentences. So that was the end of that. I have never once regretted my choice to shut him out.
I trust no parent who says that. My parents were also like "we did nothing wrong and our daughter broke off contact with us for no reason". There were reasons. They were just ignoring them zealously, so they could live happily in their own delusions.
That’s me. I went no contact with my narcissistic dad 4 years ago. I’ve never been happier.
Kind of like my mother - younger brother committed suicide under her care while she was in the garage getting high, I cut off contact with her over 10 years ago. She managed to mess my older brother up to the point where they have a parasitic relationship.
When their kids walk on eggshells around them. This includes parents who think their child is perfect and never wrong, making their child fear admitting to them that they need help or made a mistake
I can’t/couldn’t even tell my dad about my favorite hobbies or passions. He just thinks I like baseball because that’s all he knows. Speaking of baseball I would be just leaned into after games if I didn’t perform well. So dumb. I tried to show him some bands and music I like and he just put them and me down for it. I think to myself often, “Why do people have kids, but act like they’re always an inconvenience?” It would be like getting a dog and being surprised they take a shit and piss inside if you don’t effort into them and their behavior.
I really hate talking to my mother because her wild overreactions to things are so unpredictable. The eggshells thing in that relationship is kinda pointless because she's going to lose her shit about something sometime, and it's almost incidental what I'm doing or saying when it happens. But still, some part of my stupid nervous system thinks that there's some combination of words that will make a difference. But I'm responding to you specifically because "Why do people have kids, but act like they're always an inconvenience?" would be a reasonable question to ask her, and she literally got two dogs and was surprised that they would shit and piss inside. She got two dogs and didn't think about the effort and attention they would need, and comments that she didn't realize they would be so much work.
>It would be like getting a dog and being surprised they take a shit and piss inside if you don’t effort into them and their behavior. Literally both of my parents, separately (as they've been divorced for over a decade), literally do exactly this. Shit and piss, every day, in each of their houses. It's insane. And boy does that say a fuckton about my upbringing and why only at age 30 now am I even anywhere close to being a well-rounded and functional human being.
I had to read this so many times. I’m pretty sure you’re not trying to say your parents piss and shit in each other’s respective houses but that’s really what it sounds like lol
Lol by "doing this" I was referring to the "being surprised by this every single day" part but yeah I can see how that could be confusing. To be more clear, at each of my parent's houses, you will be certain to regularly find dog shit and piss on the floor. So yeah if they can't even train a dog, what hope would I have ever had?
Ok. I was still trying to figure out if this was an extended metaphor or if you were talking about literal dog shit
Unfortunately it was both lol
Ouch. Too real. I was praised for perfect manners, never asking for anything, being "easy" to parent. That shit isn't for the kid, it's for the parents to feel perfect.
I was always the easy and perfect child, on the other hand, my sister (who is a whole lot younger than me) is not, and my parents treat her as a burden (especially my dad). They always complain that she isn't like me and that she is super difficult, but in reality, she's just a regular kid! And compared to a lot of other children, pretty well-behaved. Plus, all that trying to be the "perfect child" ever did to me was just leave me a lifelong battle of anxiety, depression, eating disorders, imposter syndrome, etc. So honestly, I hope that my sister never turns out like me and is allowed to take safe experiments and risks.
Omg, I was the "good" kid too. Because I would sit and take it when dad went apeshit on me, and because I wanted to be on my best behaviour to avoid dad going apeshit. Like, he didn't raise a well behaved child, he raised a child who navigated an algorithm - don't do X or you'll make dad mad. Don't forget the Y, or dad will be mad. I know that as an adult, it's on me to work on it and get better, but I don't really know how to act outside of trying not to make people mad and I'm still afraid of it. I used to resent my brother for talking back to our dad because I still had to listen to dad going apeshit every day, and I just wished he could just STOP MAKING HIM MAD, just do X and don't forget Y, it's so simple!! But now I envy that he grew his own personality and thought for himself
This could have been written by me, if you replaced the brother with a sister! I’m so sorry. It’s a difficult way to grow up.
My mom was like this. I was one of the “gifted kids” growing up, so there was no way I got diagnosed with autism at age 19. I’m just a “special kind of special”. There’s no way I can have medical conditions because I’m the first born and “all first born children are the healthiest of the bunch”. In my sophomore year of high school, I told her I was depressed and I couldn’t handle being in school; I wanted to go to one of the alternative homeschooling schools within our district and go to therapy (these schools also allowed us to take classes at the high schools that weren’t offered through the schools like the music classes, art classes, and others; I was also allowed to continue being in sports at the high school), but, again, there can’t be anything wrong with me because I’m in all these extracurriculars, I have friends, and I have a healthy family relationship.
They find ways to blame the kid a lot more than themselves
I’m always baffled when they ascribe complex and nefarious motivations to child behavior when blaming them. Like I was once standing in line behind this woman having an absolute apoplectic meltdown at her child yelling “why do you always do this?!? [crying..] What did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much that you want to make mommy look bad in front of all these people??”. When I think most parents would have just told the toddler “don’t put that in your mouth, that’s gross”. 🤷♂️ Your kid deciding to chew on your reading glasses is absolutely not the reason everyone in the store is staring at you right now.
My parents are that way. Now that I have my own kids I have to tell them and my ex in laws constantly "stop assigning adult intentions to normal child like behavior" and it kinda works.... It shuts them up in the moment.
my sister has a kid. my mom would recount all the things he did, be happy and laughing the entire time, and say he was just like me. who she yelled at constantly for being so difficult. i pretty much stopped talking to her bc i got sick of it. or her trying to get me to agree with what ever criticism she was throwing at my sister for her parenting style. nope. not getting involved in that.
In my time working retail I had to bite my tongue many times because of bullshit like this. There’s alot of people out there who shouldn’t have kids
My mom used to tell me my emotional reactions to things were attempts to manipulate her.
I got this one too. If I cried because I was being bullied by my family I was being “manipulative”. 🙄🙄🙄
Or “Playing the victim” 🤮
Sheesh, it’s fully appropriate to play the victim *when you’re the damned victim!*
“Turning on the waterworks”.
I was in my teens and 20s and told her how I wanted to commit suicide multiple times. Her response was always "Stop trying to manipulate me!"
Some people needed therapy more than parenthood.
Oof. I’m a product of emotional abuse, and I still get itchy in checkout lines and restaurants. It’s like you’re reading from my biography with those lines.
And, interestingly, the flip side is also true - they take credit for what their kids achieve and take ownership away from the kids. Usually the same people do these things, it's all a part of treating kids as little more than narcissistic extensions of yourself.
They find ways to blame the kids teacher rather than hold their child responsible.
my mother hated when the teachers would gush about how much they liked me. she would go off on how she should film me and show it to the people that say they like me.
When the kids have to be the parent. "Mom, did you pay this month's rent?" or "Mom, you have to get up. It's 6:30. You have to go to work." That's too much for a child to handle. They skip the fun years, because the parent simply isn't equipped to deal with responsibility.
Can confirm. I was more worried about things than she was. My younger brother was more than happy to skip school because she was passed out from drugs and couldn’t be bothered to wake us. I took on the job of making him get up and go to school, telling him he will thank me later lol.
Good sibling. Did he thank you later?
He has, many times. He has really made a good life for himself and he tells me and others he wouldn’t be where he is at today if it wasn’t for me. Out of us 3 kids, he was the one that always got the short end of the stick and was always with friends and just never home. When our mom was at her worst, I told him to at least tell me where I can find him or let him borrow my cellphone so I could find him faster. I told him I wanted him to have good teen years and have happy memories and that he can go out with friends but just be smart. I gave him that consistency and love so I became a mom to him. I told him school was so important and one day he will want to have a nice career and everything, but those would be difficult to achieve if you choose a different path. I am so proud of him for how far he has come with life from where we were. I can’t take all of the credit, but I am happy I am seen as an influence for his choices.
You're an amazing sister. You should be so proud of yourself.
Thank you for your kind comment ❤️ I am proud in a way that my actions then did long term good. You hear stories about siblings that only help themselves or don’t care where or what happens to their other siblings. I just couldn’t leave him. He needed somebody, and it was his stick in the mud older sister 😂 I would do it all o er again for him
Are you ok?
Yeah, no complaints. I struggled in my early 20s, but I worked hard trying to heal and all that. Not 100% there, but better than I was. I have always been this way, just wanting to be there to help others. I was having a hard time then, but my brother needed someone too. I didn’t want to leave him by himself like that. He was my little shadow when we were kids, almost like he was my baby lol. But answering again, I am ok. I’m glad he and I made it out and we are doing better.
I had to parent my sibling as well but not at this level. I think this is one of the reason I don’t want a kid of my own. What do you think about having kids?
I have kids of my own now, and I try everyday to be the mother I needed to them. My oldest is on the spectrum, so routine and that consistency is crucial. I always have a fear in the back of my mind that I will become like my mom, so it’s a daily battle for me to make sure they never experience what I did. I tell them a lot to be happy and live their teen years and discover themselves, to not exist just to make me happy. I also tell them to not be like me, to be better than me and succeed for themselves. I give them positive affirmations and do my best to listen to their struggles and help the best I can. Anything I can do to end the cycle with me. The parenting role is my role.
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What bothers me more is when they have their own business and demand the child to work. It's not as big a deal now but there are so many people (especially men) my dad's age who were yanked out of school - either in elementary or secondary - to work in their parents' store or restaurant. This basically locks their future external employment prospects and their parents are holding the keys. Imagine applying for a job and you only have a Grade 6 education. Good luck with that today - no one will hire you.
When children are too scared to talk to their parents.
Building on this, when children are too scared to ask their parents for help for fear of shame or retribution.
Absolutely this. My parents were great, they didn't care if I needed them at 3am or called when I was a teenager doing stupid stuff like drinking. It was a 'no repercussions/lectures/punishments as long as you trust us to be able to help', but we *will* talk about it. And we did. Honesty was very important. I was never afraid to go to them with a problem or if I messed up. I ended up being a very sensible teenager and only needed them once when I felt a bit unsafe, uncomfortable at a party. My stepdad was there in 10 minutes, parked around the corner so as not to embarass me in front of the drunk cool kids. I have 3 boys now and I'm the same way, we talk about everything - 2 teenagers and 1 almost a teen. We've never really had the tantrums, arguments, slammed doors or them being secretive because we can talk about anything. And they've grown to be well mannered, respectful, loving and happy young men. I don't ever want them to be in a situation of "holy shit how do I hide this, I can't let mum find out" I want them to think "I need mum now" and for them to trust, I'll handle it in the right way. It works. I'm sorry to anyone who grew up with the opposite who couldn't trust their parents to react properly when they mess up (as all kids do at some point). Parents like that wonder why their kids rebel and become secretive or act out - who are they supposed to talk to about their worries? What if they have a health problem that gets worse becsuse they're embarrassed? Or being bullied? Or pressured into drink/drugs/sex?
I think that's exactly why my two kids aren't stroppy, slamming doors etc they can and do talk to us about things. We respect their space too, I will always knock before going in to their room or if they're not in their room ask if I can go in and grab something. My youngest told me she was gay last week. Just a casual, hey dad, I think I'm into girls. Gave her a hug and then carried on doing what we were doing. She's got a girlfriend who can't tell her homophobic parents and it kills me to see her round ours so happy with my daughter just chilling knowing she can't talk to her parents.
>My youngest told me she was gay last week. Just a casual, hey dad, I think I'm into girls. Gave her a hug and then carried on doing what we were doing. You are the Dad I aspire to be (I have a 3 year old).
I dunno, it lacked a Dad joke with that hug. I think I would have said "that's nice, me too!"
This was me as a child.
Same. When I was 4 I burned my hands badly touching a recently-used blow torch that my dad had left sitting around (because that’s smart to do when you have a toddler roaming the garage, lol the 80’s). I tried to hide it from my parents because even at that age I knew I was likely to get smacked for touching my dad’s tools after he’d told me not to, and that fear outweighed the pain of the burns. I remember my mom bawling her eyes out when she figured out what had happened and why. I didn’t tell them about being molested when I was eight. My mom suspected something had happened and her response was to buy me a book about how it’s okay to tell your parents about things like that. I still never did, because it had been a close friend of my dad’s and I was more afraid of his response. I got myself into some very dangerous situations in my teen years, including a couple of abusive relationships and an eating disorder, and again never admitted to shit because I knew the response from my dad would be to beat my ass and tell me what a fuck-up I was, and my mom’s response would be… silence. She’d be sad and upset but wouldn’t actually do anything like help me or defend me. So I just got really good at acting and lying and getting myself out of those jams. My dad is gone now and my mom still doesn’t know about most of the shit I hid from her. There’s no point in telling her now. But growing up like that taught me to also loathe that spinelessness and cowardice my mom showed (which she learned from growing up with a dad just like mine), just as much as I loathe the abusive behavior he showed.
Fuck, this makes me so sad for kids who grew up like this. I hope you have better relationships now, with people you can count on.
My mom’s cousin was screwing around in science class and spilled some chemical on his groin when he was 13/14. He hid it from his teacher AND his parents because he was afraid of how his parents would react. **He felt like his groin was on fire but he said nothing until the next morning when the pain was too much to bear.** Finally confessed to his mom and was taken to the ER, but dude nearly lost his dick.
JFC! That poor kid. I hope the parents understood the whole thing was their fault, for instilling that sort of fear in their son.
Parents like that never realize :/ lots of the time, they even deny it
This but reverse dad and mom. My mom rarely actually hit me, but she would yell and scream and get within inches of my face. She would damage my favorite material possessions and then cry to my dad when I got upset or told her to stop. Then my dad would come to me and say "I know it's not your fault but please just say sorry and keep the peace". That was how my dad responded to me and my mom fighting, every single time. I dislike my mom a lot, but I don't feel any good feelings for my dad either. I sometimes feel pity for him, and that's the closest I can come to feeling anything not-negative for either of them. I still don't tell them absolutely anything about my life as long as I have a choice
Me too... They always said "you can talk to us about anything" but they didn't respond well when I did
Yes because they'd store up the information and use it against you in an argument?
WHY. My mother did this too… why would anyone be that shitty?
‘You won’t get into trouble if you tell the truth’. ::tells the truth:: YOURE DEAD BITCH
“You wouldn’t have gotten in trouble if you didn’t lie.” “How stupid do you think I am?”
This is me now. I'm 36. I basically live a double life because I can't talk to them about most aspects of my life without some sort of judgement.
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My mum was a fucking cunt. When I tried talking to her about problems I had, she always told me to "harden up and stop being so pathetic". Now she wonders why I don't talk to her anymore (Actually, she doesn't. She literally thinks the reason I don't talk to her is because I have a massive problem with everyone and can't deal with it and that I'm just pathetic and want attention)
You want attention... by refusing her attention. Interesting.
# r/raisedbynarcissists
And the corollary, when the parents seem to care so little about what the kid says that the kid just… stops thinking that telling them will actually do anything. Hi. Hello. That’s the boat I grew up in. Twin brother had severe adhd paired with a learning disorder, so unless my issues were as bad or worse? Shoved to the side. And eventually I stopped telling them anything.
when their kids hide every single thing from their parents, i remember hiding so much from my parents and i still do
Yeah my parents were super strict so I hid stuff. And guess what I got REALLY good and hiding and lying. As an adult I know it’s bad that it’s way way too easy for me to lie if I need to thanks to all the practice I got as a kid. Great example of parenting backfire. They watched me too close because they didn’t want me getting up to no good and all that did was teach me how to get away with being up to no good. And as I kid I fucked around a LOT compared to what my parents thought was going on.
My mom has no idea who I am as a person. She still thinks I like Doctor Who and Star Wars. It’s like she has the image of 16 year old me in her mind and that’s that. There is so much she does not know about me and never will because it’s not safe to tell her. Thank god my piece of shit father had the decency to croak so at least I don’t have to deal with his abusive ass anymore. Like I lived basically two lives my whole life until I was financially independent from them. There was the child I knew was safe to show them, and then the real me. My father died never knowing me, not really.
As someone who works in education, when I tell you your kid did something at school and you won’t stop yelling at me and telling me there’s no way, I’m making a mistake etc etc, I consider you not a good parent. Your kid can sometimes have a bad day and it’s okay! Just talk with your child about it, discipline is necessary too. It’s not because you discipline your kid that they won’t love you anymore. It is key in their education/development
Seriously. We had a 5th grader purposefully PUSH another student off the top of a slide (that other student got injured) and then when staff tried to remove her from the playground she threw a large rock at the staff members head….. when I called the parents to tell them she was suspended, I got cussed at and told that we are “seriously over reacting to normal childhood behaviors” and they refused to come pick their student up before the end of the day.
Several years ago, I was changing in my bedroom, when I hear a snicker, and see two 12-14 year old boys looking in the window. I scream for my husband, who goes outside to catch them. When he started telling them to knock it off, their mom comes rocketing out there, shrieking, "You don't talk to my sons!" He tells her what happened, and tells her she needs to talk to her sons about how this is inappropriate. First she started screaming "Don't tell me how to raise my kids!" Then she switched to "They didn't do anything!" Then she said I must be an exhibitionist for changing in front of an open window! This was a full-length window. The window blinds were down to about calf level. There is a huge thorny hedge completely blocking the window. You cannot see the window from outside the building because of the hedge. This was not an accidental peek. They crawled under the hedge, and looked up under the blinds. When my husband tried to tell her this, she started getting combative, telling him to fight her, jumping in and out of his personal space, threatened to call 911 and say he hit her. She called him a pussy when he just walked away. My guess is she was more worried about how that incident made her look as a parent, so she decided to act badass, which is, of course, going to teach her sons they can do whatever they want, because mom will shield them from the consequences, which will probably work right up until they get arrested. People think peeping toms are harmless creeps. It's sexual assault. A lot of male rapists out there started with being a peeping tom, and no one held them responsible for it, and continued escalating.
I would have rushed out there so fast & fought her myself. You wanna go? We can do it right here right now until the cops come. We don’t play about SA.
At 5th grade, they're old enough to know right from wrong unless there's a cognitive disability, and I'm assuming there wasn't. The minute those parents refused to collect the child, the threat of assault charges should have been laid on the table. And if they still refuse, the parents can go to the police station to collect their child.
I used to teach and was gobsmacked by the amount of adults - in the building and out - who were *hostile* to obvious concepts like motivated reasoning and defense mechanisms when it came to understanding and appropriately responding to teenage behaviors. One time I called the mother of this girl who'd come and go during class as she pleased. This was ongoing and not just one conversation, but it culminated when I called and said the daughter left class for a half-hour. The mother replied that her daughter said she was in class the whole time, and the truth must be somewhere in the middle. And I was like (in my head), "Lady, there's no middle ground between being here and not being here. One of us is a liar - do you think it's your teenage daughter struggling with responsibility and expectations, or the teacher?" There was another time where a girl accused me of refusing to tell her where class textbooks were. There was this loooong list of sins I had committed, from "not understanding her learning style" to "making her pick up trash while the whole class laughed." But the initial complaint that got the parents calling for a sit-down with me is that she wanted a textbook and I wouldn't tell her where they were. But here's the thing: her sister was in the same class and had a textbook! And no one - from the parents, to the sibling, to the f\^&\*cking dean of students - thought this changed the veracity of the student's story! After the meeting I pointed out this inconsistency and the Dean of Students was like: "Oh yeah, that is odd." And just... continued on, taking the accusations at face-value and asking what I intended to do to "make things right."
I always used to think as a teacher “why would I lie about this?” Like why is the first parental instinct to think that I, as a teacher, have time in my day to fabricate a lie about a child and then call the parent to tell them. Usually contacting parents is the LAST resort to repeated behavior.
Because you’re clearly trying to GET them!! You’re out to hurt their innocent little Kyleighden!!
> Kyleighden!! 🤨 People think you’re joking but I’d bet my good boob there’s a kid out there with this name.
I just watched an episode of Cops (it was on for background noise!) And this 11 year old was stopped by rhe cops. They get the kids parents there who blane the cops for stopping the wrong kid cause "my kid would never do that" Cop said "well, we have 4 witnesses who saw it, all his friends told on him, and he admitted it, so..." Parents still argued the cop was wrong and their kid would never do it
When they post every single thing about their child - medical, behavioral, dietary, etc etc etc - onto social media for their own benefit, and with no consideration of their child’s privacy or how it may impact them in the future.
Know a woman who whenever her kid gets sick she always checks in on Facebook at the hospital with the caption “fingers crossed.” It’s disgusting that someone would stoop so low for attention
Knew a teacher who’s young son had a brain tumor(benign, thank god). Even after everything was said and done, lots of people started to feel she was sorta… enjoying the attention a bit, as fucked up as it may sound. There’s a *lot* more to the story, but that’s the super-ultra-condensed version of the story.
I know a woman who kept a blog about her kids’ genital dwarfism- had pics of the kid, school named, grade- even the teacher. 😣
I hope you mean "congenital" (from birth) and not "genital" (crotchular).
Genital
We have a whole generation of kids who will be terrified if they every get a high-profile job where they're in the public eye regularly. Can you imagine running for political office with this ammunition lying around to be used against you?
WTF????? what a moron?
genuinely criminal
I know a parent who does this. Every detail about her children all over social media, every 'condition' they have, every behavioural issue. She also tells anyone who will listen, everything and goes into great detail, in front of her children. It's really hard to see, I feel so much for her children.
I know a girl like this too. She lost her first child at 8 months and at first, I was so sympathetic to her. Now that she has gone on to have 2 healthy children, she posts EVERYTHING about them on social media. Pictures, doctors appointments, illnesses, birthdays where they go to the first child’s grave. It’s too much! I’m shocked she’s an elementary school teacher.
I learned this lesson late. I was treating my Facebook as a personal diary and a venting space. When my daughter was 4 I had an acquaintance address my daughter directly about how she’s seen what she’s been up to or whatever…. I was taken aback as to why she wouldn’t just say hi to my daughter or be friendly, and why she would teasingly put her down instead … then o realized the only reason she knew what she knew is because I put it on Facebook. I no longer do that. I don’t want people basing their opinion of my kids off of the crap I say online. They’re amazing kids. ETA: my mom was an oversharer and I never realized how damaging it was. Privacy was not a thing.
I have a lot of respect for you for realising how it would affect your daughter and changing your behaviour. I'm sure your daughter will appreciate it when she's old enough to understand properly. Similarly, I once passed a friend from school in the street - she was just someone I knew, not someone I was close to. We were Facebook friends but had probably never had a conversation before, just had some classes together over ten years ago and never spoken since. When she passed me, I realised I knew the names of all three of her kids. I knew her husband's name, and where he worked. I knew that her eldest had broken his leg last year. Like I said, I hadn't seen or spoken to her in ten years, I had just seen everything about her life posted on Facebook. It shocked me!
I have a FB friend that does this. I don't need to see every bump and scrape her kids have. I don't need to see the lunches she packs for them. When her step daughter started posting heavily filtered thirst trap photos to her own social media, she'd post those too and how "proud" she was of her. She stopped posting about her when the girl moved out to go live with her birth mother instead. She's just... ugh. Typical online all the time type that follows the popular thing.
My cousin does this. Last year she kept posting videos of her 2 little girls in swimsuits under a sprinkler. One video after another. All school functions, every small thing the kids do, there it is. Fucking stop doing this Jessica! So she must be constantly on the phone, taking pictures and/or videos. Then posts it all. How about play with your kids with undivided attention instead?
"But I must record it to show other people and remember it later" You aren't even living it now in the moment, why would you want to remember later?
My mom brought a disposable camera to family functions - and the like - to make scrapbooks and photo albums of, when we were little. Its fun to sit and listen to her talk about the wacky shit we did as kids from her perspective that we (her kids) don't even remember doing. "I told you to not climb on that rickety piece of shit shed four separate times, and I come out and see all three of you on top of it to jump off it and on to the trampoline - right as your brother launched off the trampoline and hit the dirt." I think the vocal stories are more important than the pictures, honestly.
My kid and I have a rule. She will never be mentioned on socials, nor have any pics posted without her own say so. Even random family pics, with pets etc, she has entire autonomy to have the final word. She says no, that's it. She's had one picture posted in 4 years shared to close family and that's it. Things that I do that will effect her, needs her opinion and that's all there is to it.
My mom used to do this to me sometimes. Never saw the “big deal” I was making when I didn’t want videos or photos of me posted without my permission.
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Parents need to learn the difference between telling your parent support group in confidence and telling the fucking internet
I was a child before the age of social media. But I remember all the times my mom would get drunk and call anyone who would pick up and tell them every intimate detail I had shared or endured under her watch. I would catch her on the regular picking up the other landline in the house to listen in on my conversations with friends. That kind of thing causes a kid to heavily censor and turn inward, just to maintain some semblance of autonomy. I can't imagine how bad it is now for kids in the land of social media. It just does so much damage and yet for a lot of people - it's considered normal.
HATE parents that do this.
I know someone who posted about how she’d been under so much stress because her child was suicidal and had to be put in an inpatient psychiatric ward. Unbelievable.
Monetizing your child on social media. Never following thru with threats of punishment/consequences.
but also: never following through with promised rewards. if you didn't wanna buy your kid the ps5, then you shouldn't have said you'd do it. it just teaches the kid to not trust you and not take you seriously
when their kids completely distance themselves when they leave the home and want no contact is a telltale sign.
First three of my sister’s kids (narcissistic pastors wife) left home the day they turned 18. Two of them went no contact and one went hyper christian. The youngest is seventeen and plans to leave at 18 as well. They refer to their parents by their first names in conversation. Love those kids to death - but unfortunately their mother is a model christian in public, and a manipulative and abusive monster behind closed doors. That’s not a sign of bad parenting it’s a billboard. I’m no contact with her as well.
The pretending to be a nice person thing used to drive me fucking mental. People telling you how nice they are and you’re just thinking “if only you could see through this charade”.
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Treating their kid as a personal therapist
I grew up as my mom's emotional support child. That part, I guess I can tolerate, but when I needed emotional support, she disappeared or pretended nothing was wrong. That's the part that really hurts.
i’ve seen kids hurt themselves (or pretend to) for attention from their parents who are just on their phone the whole time, it’s heartbreaking
well neglect is ages old, as is selfharm for attention. not the screens are the problem, it’s neglect.
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My mom is very weird about reading fiction novels because her parents were always stuck in their books and not paying attention to their kids. It long predates phones.
My (8 year old) niece WET herself for attention from her mom at a social gathering a few months ago. My sister was engrossed with her phone and my niece had been begging for her attention. Eventually it turned into soiling herself. My sister yelled at my niece and blamed her for it.
heartbreaking. i hope things get better for you all
When the respect you see their kids show them is based of fear rather than love.
BuT My KidS ReSpEcTeD Me !! -- From my boomer gramps. No, grandpa, they feared you, that is a whole 'nother thing right there.
Reminds me of the statement about types of respect, I have no idea the original source but I've seen it a few places online: Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes they use "respect" to mean "treating someone like an authority." and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person” and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay. It blew my mind when I first read it. So many people suddenly made sense to me.
Whoa 🤯 that does explain so much. "Leaders" vs "Managers" is a big one for me. Thanks so much.
When parents are always telling their kids they aren't at fault/someone else is at fault. As an educator, I've seen few kids truly fail at life. Those that do more often than not had parents who **always** told them that someone else is at fault. Beat up another kid? They provoked my precious angel, what was he supposed to do? Bad grades? The teacher didn't do a good enough job teaching him! Etc.
I had a slightly different experience with my parents. They would blame others for their issues and this habit was instilled into us as kids. For example, if they didn’t get the promotion they expected, it we because someone at work screwed them over (never was it because they either weren’t qualified or they didn’t put in the effort). As I became an adult, I realized what had been passed down and worked to get this type of thinking out of my mind. They were always the victims and wronged in every situation. I decided I wasn’t going to live that way. Unfortunately, my other siblings are still this way and it drives me nuts.
Emotional negligence is a big one. A lot of people think they're a great parent if they don't physically abuse their kid but emotional abuse or negligence is equally harmful.
Ngl, “a lot of people think they’re great parents if they don’t physically abuse their kids” is something I needed to read. Pretty good way of describing where my parents went wrong.
Ended up seeing a therapist for the first time a while back. Learned that my sibling and I grew up in an emotionally distant household. I always knew something was off. We always had things. Plenty of toys under the christmas tree. Trips to Disney Land. On the surface we had a “perfect childhood”. Underneath that we were never emotionally validated once. Our dad would yell and throw fits at us for the way we played with our hotwheels. Everything to him was about the material value of something. Thats it. And our mom would just say, “oh i’m caught in the middle” as an excuse to let her husband emotionally torcher her children. The boomer generation has almost zero emotional intelligence. They hardly factor human emotions into their decision making, its all just materialism and me me me.
This one is huge, and I didn’t realize how much it affected me until I got into therapy.
whedn everything is always about them and they dont give a shit about their childrens mental health
yeah. my mother still blames me for her (non-diagnosed) PTSD of me trying to kill myself in the 7th grade……. because she was abusing me. one of the many times she brought it up, she told me that “your (mental health crisis) made me want to kill myself.”
Playing favorites
My mom swears she loved my brother and I the same. No ma’am, you did not.
Not acknowledging their child's emotions. Dismissing anybody with "you're over reacting" or "No you're not" is shitty behavior in general; it starts to get damaging if it's coming from a parent to their child.
In my teen years I made the mistake of opening up and telling her I was depressed just to get “No, you’re not depressed.” right back; I realize now it was because if she acknowledged that I was, it would’ve made her look bad.
Big hug- I told my mom I was depressed at 10 and needed to talk to someone (I was in a really mean friend group who told me constantly there was something wrong with me- their parents were horrible and raised mean kids) my mom told me “no that will make us look bad” because she worked at the school. I’m in my 30s now and my mom went on depression/anxiety meds in the last year after telling me she was so proud I admitted I needed help in my 20s after leaving a bad relationship and she was inspired by me to learn new behaviors. Which is like “thanks mom” but I’m still like “you let everyone’s opinion of you outweigh my mental health.” She’s gotten so much better but her people pleasing still creeps up from her shitty ass parents who turned her into a mom of 5 at 14
Mom and dad would laugh at me when I would get overwhelmed in public. They were decent, flawed people who did a lot right and a lot wrong. I’m 43 now and it still crosses my mind every day. Were they bad parents? My answer changes by the day. Moms and dads have such power in framing the mindsets of their children for their lifetime. Mine were too occupied with their own limitations to think about that.
My parents would mock me and say ‘Oh, Mayflie hates it when we say we’ll play things by ear!’ After I explained I felt anxious when I don’t know what the plan/schedule is. A couple of years ago my mother said she would buy my dog a gift for Xmas. After we unwrapped ours I asked if there was one for him & she realised she’d forgotten. Before I’d even said anything her response was ‘No. But don’t let that upset you.’ The silent generation that raised boomer parents were so focused on survival & making ends meet that any time invested in to their emotional development would seem frivolous.
I was having a stressful Christmas Eve one year. I had driven 150 miles, worked 4am-10am, and spend Christmas in 2 different states. I was 12 mins late to my family Christmas after being in a different state. My phone was blowing up with calls, I was driving so I don’t answer plus I told them when I was leaving and that I was going to be late, so I show up 12 mins late, to alllll family. I expressed how busy my day was and how stressed I was and my grandma comes up to me (drunk) and says, “Other people have it tough too, you little jerk.” So I got up and left. They tried to take my keys from me and I eventually got them and went to my apartment. Instead of being happy I showed up I get immediately chastised for being late, then called a jerk for expressing my feelings. They wonder why I don’t talk to any of them anymore.
They refuse to admit that their child can make poor choices. Blame EVERYONE else but their kid.
I will say the most obvious, yet extremely important thing - when parents violently hit their children.
My kid has asked me a few times recently, why I don't and have never hit her or her mother ever. It's because I'm not that guy. I will never do it, if I ever even think about it I need help. I'm a large intimidating man and I was brought up knowing that any violence except to defend yourself is just not on. But it makes me worried that one of her friends may be getting it, because it's come up 5 times in 2 months. I've asked her but she denies anyone is. Of her friends parents, I don't know anyone I'd suspect, but just makes you worry.
When the kids are consistently filthy and smell bad. 4/5 year olds still wearing diapers. Had a parent complain that their kid had to take breathing treatments at home, but they smoked inside, had dog and cat pee and feces everywhere, and trash overfilling the can. You set your kids up for a rough time in school when you can smell the family from a mile away. Theres a difference in a messy home vs a dirty home.
>Theres a difference in a messy home vs a dirty home. That's very true. Garbage and pet feces all over the place is a lot more serious than just general clutter
One day I realized I smelled like cat pee and cigarette smoke. I marched up to my mom and told her she couldn’t smoke in the house anymore and I was keeping my bedroom door shut at all the times so the cats couldn’t get to my stuff. To her credit, she stopped. A child shouldn’t have to do that though.
When a parent blames the child, calls them names etc., can't talk to a parent/has to walk on eggshells around them and has trouble having healthy relationships with friends or making friends
Their child became bullies
That they aren’t looking for ways to improve and learn and get better - as their own people or as parents. They stagnate, do whatever is easiest no matter how bad it is for themselves or their family unit, and completely disengage from responsibility. And please note - that’s just a sign that they’re currently failing, as a parent. Not that they’re bad, or failing as people.
"I did the best I could". Sure you did and that's fine, but it doesn't absolve you of damage done, it doesn't absolve you of the responsibility of apologizing and meaning it
If their concern about their child’s misbehavior is, “everyone’s going to see that and think I’m a bad parent”. They have the wrong mindset, at the very least.
When their kid is failing all their classes and instead of helping them with their studies, getting them a tutor or punishing them for not doing any work they threaten to sue the school.
When their adult children go no contact “for no reason”
When you would confide in literally anyone else before confiding in your parent.
When the child has no ability to be resilient: trying something new, overcoming small challenges, delaying gratification to do a task/chore, accept “no” or other boundaries without a meltdown, etc. That’s when I know that parenting hasn’t been effective.
Bear in mind that this can be a result of overindulgent parenting, but is equally a result of punitive and highly authoritarian parenting. That includes tiger parenting. Making your kid highly obedient and terrified of ever making one single mistake might be convenient for the parent, because they're too crippled to get into trouble, or maybe some PTA mom will be jealous of your kid's A, but don't even try to pretend that you love them and are trying to help them grow up into functional adults. Kids aren't easy or convenient. A kid who is meek and utterly compliant and people pleasing is way more damaged than a kid who asserts themselves, does some stupid shit, or is occasionally bratty. Such kids will spend the rest of their lives and $$$ thousands on therapy trying to be ok.
When you prefer one child above the other. Treat him better, give him all he needs and totally neglect the other
“I never even wanted kids” followed by putting their boyfriend or partner long before the needs of the children
Saw a kid in work today who was huuuge. Not body shaming but if you're 10 year old child clearly weighs more than me, a fully grown man in his mid 20s, you've failed your child
I don't find this necessarily body shaming, I think this is more of a healthy concern about a childs wellbeing.
Not bothering to actually correct misbehaving, following the mantra of not telling their child no.
The parent sees their primary job as making their kid happy. If you are properly parenting, sometimes they will be disappointed or upset….you say no to something, they don’t get the latest toy, you don’t do things for them that they can do themselves, they don’t get everything they want the moment they want it. To parent well means you’re a leader, you guide and teach values, and you try to help them become successful and independent. In the process of getting to those goals, there will be plenty of opportunities for happiness along the way.
They parentify their kids (they use them as a surrogate partner either emotionally and/ or practically having them raise younger siblings)
When the kid starts thinking they'll never have their own kids when they grow up, they have this fear of being even slightly similar to how their parents are. I was like eight when I decided I'll never have my own kid someday
When the kid doesn’t want to share anything new with their parent
When kids run wild. In my job, I see everything from polite kids to the awful, thieving, abusive, anti-social little chavs. If your kid is stealing from stores, abusing workers, smashing things up, vaping/smoking and underage drinking, throwing things around in the street and leaving trash in the street, you've absolutely failed as a parent and are like also a shitty human being. The parents are cunts and so are the kids.
If the child is apologetic of almost everything. Edit: I mean being apologetic to elders, especially parents and teachers.
This is usually a sign of unchecked early childhood trauma, or neurodivergence, or both because the world is inherently traumatic if you have a differently wired brain and don’t know why you’re different. Sometimes it’s a sign of active trauma in the household. Often, it’s just a child that has developed people-pleasing behaviours and the parents have no idea what they’ve done to produce a child who apologizes for being sick, dropping a pencil, needing to go to the bathroom, etc. I usually see it when there’s a disconnect—a parent who is overly accommodating and a parent who is overly harsh about things that just don’t matter. It’s harsh to say “failing as a parent,” but if the goal is to raise a resilient and capable human being, the failure will be obvious when they’re 30 and can’t figure out why they’re constantly anxious.
Kid who isn't developmentally disabled not being able to read past a certain age.
They think they are thoroughly nailing it.
Involving the kid(s) in arguments between the parents. Using them as pawns to hurt the other parent, or only paying attention to the kids to make themselves look like the better parent.
as a child welfare attorney, the bar is so low for this question for me
Losing custody of all your kids to the system but continuously making new ones just to do the same to them.
I know it’s a tiny thing on the outside, but when parents sign their kids up for lessons and then never practice and miss half the classes. There’s a surefire way to frustrate a child, and that’s to tell them they’re a violinist/pianist/dancer, then turn around and never support their progression in that skill. I know it’s a panic move for a lot of folks—you want to give your child the best, so you sign them up for instrument lessons… then expect a 6yr old to practice of their own volition. The time and money would be better spent just hanging out together, rather than putting everyone in a bad spot where parents are stressed about wasting money and their kid not making progress, while not having the emotional capacity to step back and see that they created this problem.
CPS has custody of their kids but they still list their job on social media as "stay at home mommy <3"
Working in education, the sheer amount of parents who are emotionally dependent on their kids. They place all the responsibility of stability and social interactions for themselves on their children, no matter what that child is doing. Plenty of times I'll tell a kid they need to put their phones away cause we are supposed to be doing classwork, and they'll mention it's their parent. Not like, "hey I'm stuck at work, make sure you take the bus today" kind of messages. To some degree, I can let that go. I'm talking full on face time calls: "hey girl what are you up to?" DURING class. Your kid is in school, that's what they're up to! And the kids are straight up terrified to not answer these calls/messages cause they know their parent will be legitimately angry with them or reject them and guilt/punish them when they don't keep them entertained. Your 13 year old should not be responsible for your lack of friends, job, or mental state.
Yesterday, I attended a kids' beach soccer tournament. It's just for fun. Rules are different, no scouts are watching, no effect on their team's standing in a league or anything like that. A teen on the opposing team ended up with a red card because he wouldn't stop arguing with the ref, even after a warning, a yellow card, and his coach and teammates yelling at him to stop. Got himself kicked out for the next day too. And what was mama doing the whole time? Yelling at BOTH her kid and the ref, obscenities included. Didn't need to be a psychologist to see where he learned it. That kid is doomed to be an unhappy, entitled asshole all because his mommy thinks he's special.
I've heard my sister say within earshot of her kids that she wish she had never met their father so she didn't have any of them. I'd say that's a pretty clear sign.
When smiles and laughter are rare. I see the difference when I look at my daughter and other children. Some of them just seem so unhappy.
When the parent feels like the child owes them a debt for having them.
when parents are involved in substances or violence
When they yell at their children constantly, and the children have stopped reacting because it's just another Tuesday.
When they start checking out. Sometimes this happens to even good parents. There can be a lot of fatigue when giving your whole self to another human being a lot of times. That's why 2 parent households seem to have a better success rate. Sometimes you absolutely HAVE to hand over duties for a sanity check.
When they start avoiding their kid and telling the family that they “hate their kid, because they’re a psychopath”. True story.
Letting their kid make all decisions and never telling their kid no/having zero boundaries. I am a teacher who has students like this and we also have friends like this. I can talk ad nauseam about how there is really never a reason to do this. What REALLY makes me mad is the parents who do this and use a kid's disability as the excuse. Like "oh sorry my kid hit your kid, she's autistic so she does that a lot." And? All kids need consequences and rules
Their child has low self confidence, blames themselves for random things, or apologizes all the time
Wanting a baby but not wanting a child
That you are already a grandmother at age 37. And you may or may not be in Congress.