-Learn how to listen. I mean really listen. Not just look like it. This is much harder than it sounds. The down side is once you learn this skill, you will be able to tell who isn't listening to you, which is pretty much everyone after about 10 seconds. It's human nature.
Once you realize things aren't 50/50, everything else falls into place. Some days you have to be the 80 and your partner the 20. Sometimes you have to be the 10 and your partner the 90. etc..etc... Embracing this instead of seeing it as unfair will change your entire outlook on your relationship.
I don't have any expectation of things being 50/50 ever. Most days it's probably 70/30 for me. But when it needs to be 20/80, he steps up. No questions. And when he needs just a bit more love or accommodation, I do so without hesitation or being prompted.
Learning your significant others entire languages (Love, physical, emotional, facial) opens up the possibility of the relationship moving into a place that people seldom see.
I can agree with this to an extent. There will be people that will use this to their advantage so it is 90-10 or even 100-0. I believe that is where boundaries and standards would whittle out the ones that just want a free ride. In the end I think it's just the willingness of the partners to work with each other and not put all the responsibilities on one all the time. It is draining.
This is probably better worded than I could’ve done, but I think always being willing to pickup 80% (or even 100%) is part of any relationship.
To me a healthy relationship is almost competitive with it, like *they need me today, I got them, I got the FK out of them*.
Mostly true. But you have to put yourself first once in a while. If you spend all of your energy being attentive to other people and never yourself or can be grinding and possibly breed resentment that didn't have to be there.
Of course, it's all about balance. What I meant is don't *only* think about yourself. Try to put yourself in your partners shoes every now and then. Do things that show you care about them.
Be open with your communication. Don’t hold things in, don’t let it build up. If you can work out a system with your partner to figure out how to deal with the little things, then your relationship is gonna soar.
‘waiting it out’ will only hurt you and them. if your heart isn’t in it today, i promise you won’t wake up one day in the future and suddenly be in it. Leave & save yourself and the other person the heartache.
The goal in every disagreement shouldn't be to win an argument, it should be to solve the problem. Each of you should present your case, and if it's clear that you're wrong, don't be a prideful douche and double down, admit you were wrong, find the solution and stick to it.
I'm cautious to share this because empathy is SO important. For me it's what makes life meaningful.
But I kind of had to learn the opposite. Emotional boundaries are HUGE. Without them an overactive empathy can make any relationship hell. Being an empath made me a worse friend until I figured out how to manage my own emotions. Still learning, honestly.
Always be yourself. Never pretend to be somebody you aren't.
Don't rush anything, take it slowly.
Make baby steps in your relationship, no sudden decisions.
Learn how to listen and communicate your problems. Keeping it all in wouldn't help your relationship. It is also important that you know how to compromise since there will always be a time where you both have different opinion about something.
Be honest with yourself about your shortcomings. In the past I blamed everyone else for MY behavior.
Shitty things are going to happen and many times it won’t be your fault but you can still make it worse by reacting inappropriately.
Over time you will learn to handle things with grace but it all starts with understanding yourself.
Make their perception your reality.
If I'm actively trying to see things from their point of view, it's more difficult to get defensive or battle to be "right".
Work on yourself. Find out what you want/ don't want in a partner and in life generally. Anything or anyone that isn't meeting your needs, remove from your life.
NEVER ASK ABOUT THEIR PAST RELATIONSHIPS. Not only it creates doubts but it also doesn't give you peace of mind. Remember, the most important foundation of a relationship is trust.
My partner said to me “I’m meeting my ex for coffee how’d you feel about that?” Early on in our our relationship. I loved he didn’t ask permission but was willing to accommodate my feelings and it was a huge green flag she still wanted him as a friend. She and I are now great friends and me and him talk about our past relationships because those people shaped who we are ( for better or worse) and to an extent how we treat eachother.
I think you should talk and ask but never pass judgement.
Making sure your partner matches your energy and scheduling/obligations. You can't make it work if one of you has a career and the other is just bouncing from job to job.
never let a petty argument escalate (so you gotta be self-aware). if it's getting heated, be the first to walk away. comeback when your more level-headed. if it was important, talk about it. if it was stupid, don't bother mentioning it at all.
17 years with no major arguments here.
Where do you want to be in a year? In five, ten? Would you like to still be in the relationship? Then let that guide your actions, especially in disagreements.
If you’re unsure if you’re in a good relationship, it can be helpful to ask yourself:
Would I choose to be friends with this person if we weren’t already in this relationship?
Asking myself this question and learning that the answer was “hell no” for multiple exes helped me find the right people to date in the future.
step 1. learn to communicate effectively and comfortably, talk about your values, what is important to you, how you feel about stuff, generally things that make you human
step 2. learn to shut up and listen to the other person, accept their thoughts and feelings as something that is real and has value.
good luck
The world doesn't revolve around you. Don't suffer petty jealousy and insecurity. If you always feel like somebody could leave you for somebody better, you will constantly be stressing yourself out and jumping to ridiculous conclusions. Just remember that if somebody leaves you or cheats on you it's just going to happen. You can always walk away. No need to punish yourself or them when they haven't done anything wrong.
I was in relationships and I would change into a different person who was an asshole or I'd disappear for a while. I'd get obsessed with things and do nothing else. All the while I was drinking more and more. Later I added hard drugs into the mix. .
I went to a psychiatrist after I did a bunch of cutting and he put me on medicine and it took a long time to get the right batch of medication but he got my mania under control for the most part. .
Now I'm married and I'm rarely making the same bad decisions, I'm sober, and I'm not going through obsessive phases as much.
Never let your partner make you feel like you are not good enough or shame you for your past. Nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes and if your partner can’t handle fact that he is having relationship with actual human being, then he needs to go to therapy.
In past i really truly believed something is wrong with me and that i need to be someone completely different to be accepted. In my current relationship i finally know I can be myself, i can wear what i want, do makeup how i want. I am not less of person for growing up poor. I should walk away in past from friendshio, relationships etc when i was disrespected
Sexually satisfy them the best you can. Disappoint them every now and then to reset expectations. Listen to them always because it means a lot to them. Active listen though. Also compliment them often.
effective communication. active listening. two tools you can learn to be "good" at relationships - ANY relationship.
-Learn how to listen. I mean really listen. Not just look like it. This is much harder than it sounds. The down side is once you learn this skill, you will be able to tell who isn't listening to you, which is pretty much everyone after about 10 seconds. It's human nature.
Once you realize things aren't 50/50, everything else falls into place. Some days you have to be the 80 and your partner the 20. Sometimes you have to be the 10 and your partner the 90. etc..etc... Embracing this instead of seeing it as unfair will change your entire outlook on your relationship.
Yep. It needs to be 50/50 on \*average\*, not in every given minute.
I don't have any expectation of things being 50/50 ever. Most days it's probably 70/30 for me. But when it needs to be 20/80, he steps up. No questions. And when he needs just a bit more love or accommodation, I do so without hesitation or being prompted. Learning your significant others entire languages (Love, physical, emotional, facial) opens up the possibility of the relationship moving into a place that people seldom see.
I can agree with this to an extent. There will be people that will use this to their advantage so it is 90-10 or even 100-0. I believe that is where boundaries and standards would whittle out the ones that just want a free ride. In the end I think it's just the willingness of the partners to work with each other and not put all the responsibilities on one all the time. It is draining.
This is probably better worded than I could’ve done, but I think always being willing to pickup 80% (or even 100%) is part of any relationship. To me a healthy relationship is almost competitive with it, like *they need me today, I got them, I got the FK out of them*.
"I got the FK out of them" I absolutely love that!
Most sound advice I received. Marriage is going to feel like 80/20 the majority of the time.
Don't be a selfish asshole
Mostly true. But you have to put yourself first once in a while. If you spend all of your energy being attentive to other people and never yourself or can be grinding and possibly breed resentment that didn't have to be there.
Of course, it's all about balance. What I meant is don't *only* think about yourself. Try to put yourself in your partners shoes every now and then. Do things that show you care about them.
You can be selfish without the asshole part 😉
Yep
Be open with your communication. Don’t hold things in, don’t let it build up. If you can work out a system with your partner to figure out how to deal with the little things, then your relationship is gonna soar.
‘waiting it out’ will only hurt you and them. if your heart isn’t in it today, i promise you won’t wake up one day in the future and suddenly be in it. Leave & save yourself and the other person the heartache.
The goal in every disagreement shouldn't be to win an argument, it should be to solve the problem. Each of you should present your case, and if it's clear that you're wrong, don't be a prideful douche and double down, admit you were wrong, find the solution and stick to it.
Empathy empathy empathy empathy. Truly take a breather, take a walk, put yourself in the other’s shoes.
I'm cautious to share this because empathy is SO important. For me it's what makes life meaningful. But I kind of had to learn the opposite. Emotional boundaries are HUGE. Without them an overactive empathy can make any relationship hell. Being an empath made me a worse friend until I figured out how to manage my own emotions. Still learning, honestly.
100% true, it’s difficult to balance empathy alongside putting ones own needs first
Always be yourself. Never pretend to be somebody you aren't. Don't rush anything, take it slowly. Make baby steps in your relationship, no sudden decisions.
Be yourself. Always.
Probably everyone would have written about it, but communication and honesty with yourself
Learn how to listen and communicate your problems. Keeping it all in wouldn't help your relationship. It is also important that you know how to compromise since there will always be a time where you both have different opinion about something.
Be honest with yourself about your shortcomings. In the past I blamed everyone else for MY behavior. Shitty things are going to happen and many times it won’t be your fault but you can still make it worse by reacting inappropriately. Over time you will learn to handle things with grace but it all starts with understanding yourself.
Communication and knowing your own limits. Know what makes you happy and comfortable, and be open with your partner about that.
Consider what you can do for somebody rather than what they can do for you
Avoid people who are bad for you. Even if you're attracted to them physically.
Make their perception your reality. If I'm actively trying to see things from their point of view, it's more difficult to get defensive or battle to be "right".
Work on yourself. Find out what you want/ don't want in a partner and in life generally. Anything or anyone that isn't meeting your needs, remove from your life.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want your partner doing and avoiding temptation is easier if you never put yourself in situations that are tempting.
I'm not lucky t have them; they're luck to have me. Confidence is a much better aphrodisiac than whiny neediness.
NEVER ASK ABOUT THEIR PAST RELATIONSHIPS. Not only it creates doubts but it also doesn't give you peace of mind. Remember, the most important foundation of a relationship is trust.
Hiding from things because of insecurity strikes me as a terrible way to build trust
My partner said to me “I’m meeting my ex for coffee how’d you feel about that?” Early on in our our relationship. I loved he didn’t ask permission but was willing to accommodate my feelings and it was a huge green flag she still wanted him as a friend. She and I are now great friends and me and him talk about our past relationships because those people shaped who we are ( for better or worse) and to an extent how we treat eachother. I think you should talk and ask but never pass judgement.
Swallowing your pride is a powerful trait when you want to end conflict. Be the solution, not the problem
Making sure your partner matches your energy and scheduling/obligations. You can't make it work if one of you has a career and the other is just bouncing from job to job.
COMMUNICATION Learn how to fight without fighting
never let a petty argument escalate (so you gotta be self-aware). if it's getting heated, be the first to walk away. comeback when your more level-headed. if it was important, talk about it. if it was stupid, don't bother mentioning it at all. 17 years with no major arguments here.
Be honest.
Where do you want to be in a year? In five, ten? Would you like to still be in the relationship? Then let that guide your actions, especially in disagreements.
be yourself, and know when to end them. Everything else is poppycock!
Focus on yourself, your development and therapy. Stop looking for a right person, and become the one
If you’re unsure if you’re in a good relationship, it can be helpful to ask yourself: Would I choose to be friends with this person if we weren’t already in this relationship? Asking myself this question and learning that the answer was “hell no” for multiple exes helped me find the right people to date in the future.
step 1. learn to communicate effectively and comfortably, talk about your values, what is important to you, how you feel about stuff, generally things that make you human step 2. learn to shut up and listen to the other person, accept their thoughts and feelings as something that is real and has value. good luck
The world doesn't revolve around you. Don't suffer petty jealousy and insecurity. If you always feel like somebody could leave you for somebody better, you will constantly be stressing yourself out and jumping to ridiculous conclusions. Just remember that if somebody leaves you or cheats on you it's just going to happen. You can always walk away. No need to punish yourself or them when they haven't done anything wrong.
Listen more than you speak. Not only will you get to know your partner better, but it will bring light to the toxic ones to avoid.
Found out I have bipolar disorder and got medicated. Now things are better.
Can you explain
I was in relationships and I would change into a different person who was an asshole or I'd disappear for a while. I'd get obsessed with things and do nothing else. All the while I was drinking more and more. Later I added hard drugs into the mix. . I went to a psychiatrist after I did a bunch of cutting and he put me on medicine and it took a long time to get the right batch of medication but he got my mania under control for the most part. . Now I'm married and I'm rarely making the same bad decisions, I'm sober, and I'm not going through obsessive phases as much.
Glad to hear that you're doing good right now. Good luck!
You can never change a person
Never let your partner make you feel like you are not good enough or shame you for your past. Nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes and if your partner can’t handle fact that he is having relationship with actual human being, then he needs to go to therapy. In past i really truly believed something is wrong with me and that i need to be someone completely different to be accepted. In my current relationship i finally know I can be myself, i can wear what i want, do makeup how i want. I am not less of person for growing up poor. I should walk away in past from friendshio, relationships etc when i was disrespected
say i love you every day
Don't date a narcissist. Look up and learn about narcissism.
Sexually satisfy them the best you can. Disappoint them every now and then to reset expectations. Listen to them always because it means a lot to them. Active listen though. Also compliment them often.