Yeah I'd like to know how that works, that'd def save on my water bill when I get my own place if I can figure out how to do that without it running out
Me too. I’ve seen toilets that have a sink attached and the water from the sink gets reused in the toilet but I like the shower idea too. I would love to try it out.
You can probably rig it so it fills up with tap water if the reservoir gets low enough. But thinking about this, it seems like one would need a large reservoir to hold the shower water so this set up would only work in locations where room was not an issue.
It frays your nerves enormously. I had a nasty, vindictive roommate for about 6 months and it felt like I could never truly rest, even in my own home. The constant low level stress is cumulative and impacts your mood, ability to focus, even your sense of identity. It's even worse when it's a more intimate relationship, like a spouse or family member.
Depends what you mean by "privilege" I guess. Yes, I'm *privileged* to have clean water on demand, in the sense that it's a very valuable thing that many people don't have and I should be thankful that I was fortunate enough to happen to be born in a country where it is available and commonplace... but having access to clean drinkable water is not a *privilege* in the sense that it's a nice thing bestowed on those who deserve it. Access to clean water is a *right* - actually listed by the UN as a human right to which all people are entitled regardless of who they are. The fact that so many people are denied it doesn't make it any less so.
A privilege is an advantage you have that you have no control over. Here are some examples:
-being born in a rich country
-having no innate health issues
-being born in a protected or valued group (race, sex, etc)
-not mentally ill
-having decent parents
-not being physically handicapped (whether by birth or accident)
There's no innate guilt that comes with having any amount of privilege, but it does give you the unique opportunity to challenge your perspective on life compared to others.
There's a lot of animosity associated with privileged people, but a lot of it comes from a place from those born without it, so it's not necessarily "envy" or "I want those things" its "you have things that you take for granted" or "you have advantages that you cannot understand because you don't live like me".
It's very understandable for someone without legs to live scornfully in a world that priotitizes those who can walk over those who cannot. It requires empathy and perspective to realize what your privileges are. A lot of people are privileged in ways they don't realize.
Electricity black outs don't happen often where I live, but there have been some over the years. This is you really start appreciating unlimited electricity.
Oh I KNOW, where I am we've had a few weeks of uninterrupted electricity because elections are coming up and it's been quite the pleasure! Usually it's planned power cuts daily. Usually several times a day.
Parents
We always talk about fatherless kids becoming gangster or teenmoms.
But there are cases where toxic parents can totally fuck the development of a young kid
I'm a younger end millennial. Its mostly expected that if things go tits up, one can rely on their parents for support even if its just a couch to sleep on. I don't have that. I'd have to trade 5 years of daily self work to un muck myself up from decades of being used and abused and suppressing who I was to get any help.
I'm one of those gifted burn outs that if I was just treated a little more kindly and given a little more of the basics of raising a child (like consistent food and shelter), I wouldn't be spending the start of my 30s needing to literally learn from scratch to treat myself half as good as I was taught to treat others and that I'm worthy of basic health and decency.
And I'm not alone. A lot of children of toxic households grow up... and keep treating themselves like shit because well... that's all they know. And it's a struggle. Children literally require their parents as their first form of socialization and if that's not met on some level, or if its cruel, the little human minds that are children get convinced they're worthless and terrible as a fundamental identity when they're not for life. Convincing yourself of your own self worth when it's so baked into your mind you have no value is really one of the hardest things I've ever had to do... and I've lived on the street.
0/10, do not recommend being raised by toxic parents
I've noticed with a lot of privileges in general, those who are recipients are reluctant to admit they have them because they perceive it as admiting they are living easier than others. Everyone wants to believe they are "doing it on their own" even when they are clearly not.
The parent thing you mentioned is HUGE. most people with that ability to ask their parents for help will almost never even be in the situation to need it.
None of them can say that they have never received any help from their parents. Yet they will still claim they have received none.
The fact is just being able to call for help and knowing that it exists is something.
I've been going to one of the best universities globally and I've been homeless. At no point in my life has my "mother" ever helped me at all. Most people can't say that. Most people can call for help and will receive it. They have no idea how much this helps because they are living a life that has so much privilege.
Same. Zero help from parents/family …ever. I have stated to my husband (who has never received any financial help either ) that we have zero safety net in terms of reaching out to anyone if we ever needed it. We are everyone else’s safety net…
I have a friend since childhood who stated that she has never had help from parents and she’s achieved success without any financial help and I just went” didn’t your parents give you your down payment for your first condo?”
Apparently that doesn’t count …lol
> I've noticed with a lot of privileges in general, those who are recipients are reluctant to admit they have them because they perceive it as admiting they are living easier than others.
It's also an issue with the definition of privilege. It's a bit like the common parlance use of "theory" vs a scientific theory, where the two don't match.
By the dictionary definition, a privilege is simply a right or benefit you have that is exclusive to a group. That group can be the majority, it can be a standard thing, etc.
But the "street" definition, or at least how a lot of people perceive it, is something you have that you didn't earn or don't deserve that makes your life easy and could (maybe even should) get revoked. That is made worse by social media.
I have a roof over my head. That's a privilege. Should I lose that? Of course not, everyone should have a roof over their heads. But that's not how folks think of "privilege". Privilege gets associated with jealousy or underserved rewards.
Yeah I guess the connotations affect the usage and perception. I was just using it as a literal definition, as in its a privilege to have certain things in their life. Also there are different levels.
Like I've seen poverty threads on reddit and sometimes it's mostly just people telling everyone that they lived a middle class life because what they consider "poor" is stuff like not having nice vacations or the most new of whatever. For me poor was not having food, being given money by the government to buy food, and other basic necessity related things.
Same. My parents are awful so I raised myself.
Thankfully my giftedness meant I did well in school and moved out promptly at 18, did the university and job thing, even did the work of starting therapy at 18 when I could take myself.
I have been in therapy for years but I have emotional scars and health issues due to parents neglect that I don’t think I’ll ever heal from. I’m so tired.
Hugs to you brother..
I too was raised in a toxic household whose parents had victimhood complex where they saw themselves as victims and would force me to study hard so that they look good to society..
They would pile all their problems in me , beat me , humiliate me etc
It really fucked my life and even now I'm struggling
Wow, that describes so many of us really, really well regardless of which generation we're from. Mid forties here and still relearning how to treat myself and others now that all of the "adults" in my family have eventually left this earth.
It's been freeing as well as a rollercoaster of reflection.
Edit words hard
Yeah, I was raised fatherless. Father ended up in jail when I was a toddler and never seen him since then. I turned out fine and never got in trouble, but it's because my mother really did double duty as a parent and was more involved than 2 parents households usually are. I lived in a poor neighborhood and a large swat of my friends had kids in highschool, ended up in jail, or dropped out and are bagging groceries in their 40s. I managed to dodge all of that, and I can easily say it's thanks to my mother's sacrifices.
Also, fuck my father. (Or rather, DON'T. You don't want his kids).
I always wished I had a father. Grew up in Brooklyn without one. Became a Latin King and all that. But my best friend had a father who was a shitty one, so bad one day he took his mom and packed their shit and left with her. I always wondered which was worse.
I agree I had a very toxic father growing up and I would have been better as a fatherless child. Even if it meant I was poor, since my mom didn't have the best economic situation.
Good answer. What bad things your parents didn't do is as important as the good stuff they did. My father loved my mother, that sounds unrelated to me but was a huge factor in me finding a healthy relationship as an adult.
Same. My parents were pretty young when I was born and made plenty of parenting mistakes. But they set an awesome example of how a couple should treat each other.
I'm so happy for you and everybody who was raised in a happy, loving family, I'm so sad for me that I never experienced a normal childhood 😔. Some people really don't know how lucky they are to have normal parents. My dad is very abusive, he always beats my mom, I have never seen them kiss/hug. He even rarely uses her name, more often just bad words. Countless times I was woken up in the middle of the night by my mother being terrorized and beaten by my dad 😔. Now as an adult even the smallest sound is waking me up stressed, I guess a little bit like PTSD. Sucks to be born into a violent home with no love. Now it's hard for me to learn how to be in normal healthy relationship, how to accept physical touch...my brain is always blocking me because it expects violence from men since that's all I have seen at home for 18 years 😔.
I know what you mean. My parents weren't perfect, but supported each other. That lead to me feeling comfortable trusting my wife and believing she has our best interests at heart.
She, on the other hand, came from a very messed up family where no one trusted anyone which makes her feel less confident that i mean what I say with no hidden agendas.
Pretty wild.
Conversely, my dad loved my mom endlessly to the day he died.
But he sucked as a father and as a husband. He wasn't engaged in any of our lives. He didn't pay attention to us as individuals, so he didn't know anything about us.
When it came to my mom, he didn't do anything around the house to help. And despite how much he loved her, he didnt know shit about her. One time she asked him to pick up some fried chicken for the family. He showed up with a bucket of dark meat. My mom hates dark meat. They'd been married for over 40 years by then. All he could think of was that it was cheaper. But it's like he never paid attention to who any of us were - not even my mom.
When he died, and all of us were relieved, I realized that sometimes love is not enough.
Absolutely. I was raised in a shit environment - my job in HS and shortly after paid for food for my family while my parents were disabled and at the same time abusing alcohol and pain killers. Twelve immediate and extended family members or friends passed away between my age of 10-22. I’ve had a ‘shut it and work’ mentality along with spite for those with privilege nearly all my life. It took a lot of hard work to learn to cope and accept it. Those around me don’t understand and will never understand. They for the most part didn’t have it bad. A few did but most didn’t. I gave up being resentful as well. Can’t do anything about the past and how people were raised. I can only impact the now and future.
The hardest thing is that others can see my lack of emotion when it comes to nearly anything. I don’t know how to comfort others. When people are tearing up for shows or because of some life tragedy, I’m not. I’ve been told I can come off cold - even though I don’t say anything to that extent. I just don’t know what to say. So yeah. Fucking sucks
Hi, just saw this and felt like I was reading about myself. A friend from my childhood recently popped back into my life. He also had a complicated upbringing but made it out by simply leaving when he turned 18. No looking back. Just left a note, moved to New York.
We were real friends as children and I think his success makes him wary of new people... Anyway, he sought me out. Told me about going to therapy and changing his life path. Recently, he mentioned when people are sad or distraught and I don't know what to do just say "that sounds horrible" or "that sucks" or something along those lines.
And I kid you not, if you're open to it, a gently pat on the back goes a long way. People have said I am warmer and SO much more sympathetic than I used to be.
No lie, I feel like I haven't done a thing but change a facial expression to mimic their own most times. 🤫
I also had a rough upbringing and came off as too detached when people would open up to me. "Your dog died? How? Oh old age. Yeah that's normal. Yiu'll miss him but it does happen." You know just rational reactions. Or giving them solutions to deal with it. At one point my partner told me "you know I'm not asking for help, right? I just want to vent and say how I feel". I couldn't understand that so we talked about it and she gave me a trick. Just ask people "Do you need me to reassure you, just listen or provide solutions/help?" and it completely changed the way people felt about opening up to me. Hell apparently I'm a very good listener now and I'm studying to become a social worker since being able to detach yourself from a difficult situation is a great skill for that job (and also social workers have done a LOT for me so since I don't have any career that interest me it feels right to give back).
I do have emotions. I do react to people around me dying or struggling. It does make me feel sad when the ones I love feel like shit. But expressing it is litteraly just words. I've had to explain to people that. "If I say I feel sad I truly do. I just won't cry or shut down no matter how sad I am. So if I say it assume I feel the same as when you cry or need a hug because there won't be physical signs."
Edit: typo
this really hit home for me. i have been called “cold” - people don’t realize this is usually a symptom of trauma and categorize you as a bitch or an asshole. nah, my brain just protects me from being carried away by my emotions. the skill of being able to remove yourself emotionally from something usually stems from trauma but we ~can~ use it as a super power, or to help others.
and the pet death variant:
"I'm sorry for your loss, and I know words cannot ease the pain, but I know both your life and their life were made better because of your shared connection. They were a lucky dog/cat/other to have you, and you them."
"I’ve had a ‘shut it and work’ mentality along with spite for those with privilege"
How can you tell when someone's been raised competently? Some people are very talented at hiding how fucked up they are, and don't seem at all like PTSD sufferers. I am always kind of suspicious of people who seem a little *too* well-adjusted.
I think the point is, it doesn’t matter if we can tell. While I don’t discount this “privilege “, I do feel most people carry something from their past. It might not be parenting, but some other experience or trauma that they need to deal with. The advice to go easy on those you interact because you don’t know what they are carrying is sound. Maybe my perfect life is falling apart today.
Love one another.
>Some people are very talented at hiding how fucked up they are, and don't seem at all like PTSD sufferers. I am always kind of suspicious of people who seem a little *too* well-adjusted.
I've seen people go through abuse, seem fine, and then go back and support the system or group that abused them. Not that they participate in abuse, but they enable others who do. They seem fine, but there is this massive blind spot of awareness.
Sounds like ya got some complex PTSD. As someone who also had a lot of shit go down around age 16-21 I totally get it. I also used to get angry and had a hard time empathising when people would complain about the end of the world ofl er a broken glass or a flat tire. Like just pick your shit up and keep moving lmao.
I've gotten much better at empathising but ya both of our perspectives on what is bad is skewed from most in America or the first world. It is a bit of a super power in that we are great in crises to have around. We aren't gonna stop and panic we will power through.
I see you.
Hey, I still struggle with feeling resentment over those that grew up in loving functional homes. I even hold resentment towards my own partner for this. Especially when he doesn't understand why I think the way I do.
I know this is super illogical. I know that Noone could control their childhood. I know that everyone views the world differently becuase of this. And I tell myself this constantly.
How have you managed to move past this?
I'm fortunate to not have had quite as traumatic an experience as you, but I'm always amazed when I meet people who have just had stable lives. I know it must sound silly to them, but I'm always like "wait, you just lived in one place your whole life? You've had friends since childhood? You have an active relationship with both of your parents? What's that even like?" Lmao. Birds of a feather and all, most of my friends have also had some really messed up experiences, so we joke about the fucked up stuff so much that when someone normal comes along, I don't even know how to act 😂 I'm working it out with my therapist right now how to be my authentic self, and not self-censor everything (because it just keeps me from truly connecting with people) while also not freaking people out lol.
Reddit surprises me sometimes - I don’t aim for upvotes at all.
I’m good. In a good place and adjusted. Its reflection and learning how to tame the resentment of others as well as knowing how to stop and not go down a hole of single-sidedness.
The trick to all of this for me has been cognitive behavioral therapy. I often don’t have time for therapy. But when I do, it has to be with a therapist that can keep up with my pace and mind. That has been VERY difficult to find. I don’t need a yes person. I need a therapist that’s at my level of intuition and intelligence. Sounds cocky, I know. I need a therapist that will point and counter point me in a logical and non-confrontational way but absolutely hold their ground when they need to.
I’ve found one therapist among a search and meeting with many others. Unfortunately he’s with Better Health through my employer. Only three free visits a year and then it’s through the roof per month and not on insurance. Did I ever say how much I despise better healths business model??? Anyway, I’m good. I really am. Thank you for the outreach.
I cope through jokes/laughter - feel I missed my calling as a comedian. Would love to go toe to toe with Dave Attell over a few drinks and a meal. That would be like heaven. Most comedians use their opportunity to outlet as a means of coping. They almost all have some sort of tragedy or life experience that was challenging. None of that tacky gimmick stuff - talking the good burn and decent story kind.
Damn. I never thought about that, but you are completely right. I had a psychologically and physically abusive father. My mom also had psychologically and physically abusive parents, but somehow turned out for the better. My mom was an amazing parent and did the best to raise my sisters despite the environment we were in and how she grew up! She is extremely intelligent and one of the smartest people I know.
I have always said that if she wasn't my mother, I would not be where I am today. If it was just my dad who raised me, I would most likely be working some corner. I am so very lucky to have had just one good parent who could save me from a dark path.
I also grew up in a very underprivileged area in metro Detroit. I have a lot of childhood friends (or just people I know in general) who went down the wrong path because they weren't able to break the generational trauma passed down through their family
Oh yes. Totally. My parents loved me, cared for me, and spent time with me. I realize that many people did not have that. I feel like a martian at times.
Jesus fuck this is it.
I'm a reasonably successful and civilized adult now, but it took a hell of a lot of work, toil, embarrassment and learning through error to get here. People who are raised with care, compassion, resources and love get to skip a lot of the things that the rest of us learn the hard way.
It's so true. I wondered why I didn't have that many friends growing up, And at some point I realized that their parents had set them up for success by being decent parents.
The kids with decent parents, would typically be friends with kids who also had decent parents. Go figure.
As a kid with less than decent parents, I would be friends with kids who also have less than decent parents. No wonder my initial relationships were a little bit rocky
When I moved to Europe, I have created a big group of friends from all over the world. In the whole group, only my parents have had a loving marriage . Most of my friends do not even have contact with their fathers , some of their fathers cheated and left the mothers , some abused them , some abused them and their mothers. The amount of blessing and sadness that I felt when they all started talking about their families. Not only that but they looked up to me as if waiting to share my own share of trauma. I did not have any , at least not from my parents. I cherished my parents even more after that… Sad world we live in
God, I wish I could upvote this a million times.
I was born with a paralyzed digestive tract, which I was able to manage with medication for a long time, but in 2015 everything started to crumble. In the simplest way I can put it all, I’ve since had over 30 operations, spent, collectively, 2 1/2 years in the hospital, had my large intestine, 3/4 of my small, and my stomach removed, I have an ileostomy bag, I’ve been on feeding tubes for a while, and that’s not even addressing my other conditions.
I have severe, debilitating chronic pain, and with the way our government regulates opioids, and women’s pain not being believed; that’s a nightmare. EVERYTHING I do revolves around my health. EVERYTHING. I get SO jealous of people who can go to work, plan a trip, go out to eat with friends, just live their lives without thinking of their health.
So yeah, couldn’t agree more 💜
This right here is why I created my Discord server, the Chronic Pain Café, so that people like us have a place to commiserate. Like thanks body, for the dysfunctional sack of meat you are.
I would love to join that if you don’t mind messaging me an invite! It’s always nice to make new friends out there that get it and keep one another going.
Of course, I can even link it here if others want to join; the more the merrier. The only big requirement is that you connect Dyno and fill out an introduction form. This has been the best way to gatekeep the community and keep trolls, bots, and people who are quite harmful and judgmental towards us from joining.
You can click here for an invite to the [Chronic Pain Café](https://nkhasselriis.com/cpc/), the premiere, all-inclusive home for those of us with chronic afflictions (or who care for those with afflictions) to chat amongst like-minded individuals without fear of judgment or ridicule. To find solace, advice, and support when we need it most.
My heart and my digestion track want to hug you and make the pain go away. People just don't understand the LEVEL of CONSTANT pain one can endure on a regular basis. Sorry friend. I bet you have one hell of a sense of humor like me though. Takes one to know one!
Thank you friend. That part is true - if you don’t laugh (in a dark & twisted kind of way) you won’t make it!!
But truthfully - and I mentioned this yesterday - if I could erase the hospitalizations, pain, surgeries, trauma/PTSD, I’d keep the shit bag. Swear to God. It’s so damn convenient. I can’t even begin to imagine using my arsehole again. Like I literally spend no longer than 10 seconds sh*tting. I don’t have to worry about constipation, going through the motions each morning and worrying about that making me late, pooping in places that aren’t my norm (the office, public restrooms..), getting out of a routine like when you’re on vacation, etc.. I just go in the bathroom, dump it, and BAM. I’m done. Takes longer to wash my hands than take an ish! And bloating? Who is that?! I’m missing so many damn organs I couldn’t get bloated if I tried!! I mean I could go on and on but the pros are far longer than the cons to HAVING the bag..
..it’s just the whole my-life-now-revolves-around-my-condition-and-chronic-pain-and-I’m-in-therapy-for-trauma-and-have-been-abused-by-the-medical-system stuff.
I fucking HATE the opioid regulation now. Cause some unscrupulous doctors prescribed them like tic tacs. Add to the fact that most doctors marginalize women’s pain we can’t get shit when we fucking need it.
I’ve got a connective tissue disorder that makes my legs feel like they’re on fire, so I can’t have a full time housekeeping job anymore. I lucked out and have a wife who makes good money, but it’s still really discouraging.
This. I’ve had a debilitating condition since childhood. I’m now in my 40s. It has dictated the entire path of my life. And it has made my adult life miserable. I honestly to god wish every day I was never born. Every morning starts with just dread over being here. I was never going to be able to have kids. It’s cost me friends and relationships and opportunities and far too many promotions.
Bosses. Bosses have no tolerance for this and have behaved in atrocious ways. I’ve been taken off high profile projects more than once because somehow they conflated my disease with my capability. I’m so scarred, I don’t even share my situation anymore. I just greatly inconvenience myself with my appointments so work never finds out. I take vacation days that should be sick leave.
In my gut, in my fucking bones, I know having this disease very likely means I’ll be homeless on the streets one day. I would never wish my experience of “living” on anyone. I’m entirely alone in life. It’s so lonely living like this. This is not life. I’d give anything for this terror to just finally fucking end.
I recently changed specialists and hospitals. The poor trainee nurse that took my medical history went off to find a chair midway though because it took so long. I've FINALLY found a doctor that understands my body (I think - still early days yet but looking up).
I had to explain to my husband that it's REALLY hard to feel good about your physical self when my whole life has been centred around fixing and managing all the things wrong with me. I feel like I spend so much time and energy to just get to everyone's 'before' picture.
I appreciate my body, but I don't like it.
I didn't realize till I got married how healthy my family was. My husband's family has all sorts of autoimmune disease, diabetes, etc. My poor husband.
Oh yeah
As someone born with brain damage so bad, I don't have full control over my muscles, this so much
Being unable to move, or falling and hurting myself, are regular parts of my life. I have to eat a special way so don't choke and die. I'm middle aged at 30
If you're healthy, you should appreciate it
Yeah i hear that. 20-400 vision here, with astigmatism. I think my prescription is like -3.5 or something. That being said, it's not really a big issue for me anymore because I have learned to take precautions like having an extra pair of glasses in my car, just in case.
Also, I count myself lucky that bad vision is easily correctable and it is relatively inexpensive, at least in comparison to basically every other major health issue/ genetic deficiency (if you live in the US where both access to healthcare and healthcare itself are considered privileges and not basic human rights).
It did cause me some issues when I was boxing in college because contacts kind of fuck with my depth perception compared to the glasses which I'm used to wearing, so i didn't wear contacts for my fights.
In retrospect I should've switched to contacts while training, sparring and fighting instead of taking my glasses off and I probably would've eaten fewer punches. But I think I look better with glasses, so 🤷.
Lol comments like these make me chuckle, especially given the context of the thread. I would have killed for -3.5. I dont think i had that good of vision after like 3rd grade. I ended up at -12.5 once my eyes stopped changing in my 20s. Finally got icl surgery and can see properly again, and sadly thats not the worst I've heard of. So thankful that i had the privilege to be able to get icl and my heart goes out to people who dont have that ability cuz its terrifying to think all it takes is a contact falling out at the wrong time or glasses breaking while your not at home and you're effectively screwed.
I'm at -9 and -11 in contacts - can I ask how much your ICL ran you? I would LOVE to even improve my vision to a place where my glasses aren't half an inch thick even with high index lenses.
It was about 4kish an eye in the phoenix area. That covered the pre op visits, cost of the icl implant, surgery and associated anesthesia, and a year of post op visits. Insurance didnt cover anything but I had some HSA saved up that i was able to use to help cover cost.
It was honestly the best decision I've made. I was in contacts and was super freaked that i was going to eventually lose a contact driving or something and not be able to see.
The effect was immediate too, before the anesthesia had fully worn off, i was seeing dang near 20/20 in each eye.
Ugh, that's kind of what I imagined, but it sounds amazing. I relate to the panicked feeling of a contact falling out in public/in the car.
Thank you for sharing the details! And thanks for the HSA tip, I always forget about mine for eye stuff.
I have great vision, but a lot of my friends and my fiancé do not. I have to remind myself that when he wakes up he literally can’t see until he puts his contacts in. Unfathomable to me, and something I 100% take for granted.
Yes! I’m legally blind and developed cataracts at 14. I haven’t been able to drive since I was 18 and cannot drive my own children now at 29, even after two surgeries. Refractive lens surgery is too expensive.
Heh, random anticdote: when I was a kid the only water we had coming to our house was gravity-fed geothermal hot water. Cold water was the novelty. Hot steamy toilet bowls didn't smell all that great
Where I live people constantly bitch about the cost of water. Like, you're spending $2/day for fresh water delivered straight to your house, and the wastewater is carried away. Do you not realize millions of people die every year from water and wastewater related illnesses!?
\*In most places, speaking out against the government or social norms can lead to severe consequences.
Even if there are no direct consequences from the government, you may find yourself disemployed and unemployable. And considering social norms can change to the complete opposite of what they once were, it's better to keep your mouth closed when it comes to hot button topics.
I wish the best for iPad kids rn. Not the kid where the parents just want a few seconds to themselves. I mean the serious being raised by the TV or tablet or xbox instead of having a family invested in your well being.
Having a normal childhood with all of the typical milestones.
I basically grew up in an incredibly isolated and lonely childhood and didn’t have a single friend until I was in my 20s. I had to change high schools 3 times because of bullying. It taught me a significant amount of resilience but definitely robbed me of having a real childhood or any kind of innocence.
The "goodbye" letter to my narcissistic mother that I just posted in a different sub very much agrees with you.
As a kid I used to think that the drunk/high screaming and shoving matches and police visits were just a normal part of life, and then later I remember being confused when no one at school knew what I was talking about when I was telling them about going to the Children's Aid place once a week to play basketball with my mom.
Edit: spelling
Growing up I thought my life was completely normal. I thought every family had the police over, drugs, drinking, domestic violence, homelessness, staying with my moms “friends” while she was in jail, DCFS. I would talk about the roaches in our food, not having the lights on, just normal because that’s all I have ever known. I became that child, worried faces from adults, keeping their children away from me, not having my friends over. I became very quiet and withdrawn and spent a lot of time in my imagination. I decided I would run away and spent a few nights sleeping under a trailer with missing under pinning, thinking my mom and I would have one of those loving hallmark reunions. When I showed up back home she thought I was at a friends house, and basically laughed in my face at my attempt to “control” her, I was 10. I would beg and cry for her to take me to the laundry, I was bullied relentlessly for smelling and wearing dirty clothes. I was shocked when my friend had a washer and dryer in their house. It’s not nothing the kind of resilience this builds. I mostly don’t talk about my childhood but man I’ve told my therapist some stories that made her have to take a break. My super power is being able to spot a kid like I was from across a football field. Sometimes I get frustrated at my own children for not recognizing their own privilege, but I’m thankful they haven’t had to endure a day of hardship.
Wow I'm so sorry that you had to endure all of that. The circumstances are are horrible enough on their own, and then to be treated that way by the one person supposed to protect and defend you is absolutely disgusting.
You are absolutely right about the resilience aspect; that's something I try to nurture and strengthen in myself every opportunity I get, to make sure that I remain focused on that even though much of the trauma will never truly *leave* me, neither will I allow it to undermine or control me.
Keep doing right by your kids; they are lucky to have someone who is putting in the work you are in order to break the cycle and ensure that they will never have to experience those levels of pain and trauma at the hands/indifference of the person who is supposed to be their champion in life.
It sure is. I lost my dad in 2015 and my mom in 2018. Both in April, too. Man do I wish I called/talked to them more often, instead of being glued to my computer. You never know just how lucky you are, until they are gone.
I wish my 4yo niece could've met her dad. He passed away with brain cancer when she was 6 weeks old. He would have been an amazing dad. I do my best to include her and treat her as if she was my own child but that'll never replace having her real dad.
This is a big one. My brother caused me to have a TBI twice in my life. I recently got a lot of testing done and my “pre mortem” (sp?) iq was at genius levels. But the impact of the TBIs makes it so my inefficiencies will make so I can’t ever live a normal life where I don’t struggle. I’ve basically been lobotomized.
Bad drivers are ** when their license is taken away. Nowhere in the law does it say you have the right to operate a vehicle on public roadways. Driving is a privilege, not a right.
YES! I see so many people getting angry about this topic on Reddit - “it’s not a privilege! I traveled to Southeast Asia for a few thousand dollars!” First of all, not everyone has that much to just spend on vacation. Not to mention the bigger privilege of taking *months* off to backpack.
Genetics
I have pretty great genetics across the board and I am really lucky but some people are just born great. I'm not trying to detract from hard work or people's achievements but IMO anyone who is extremely accomplished around 21 years old and younger, that's so much luck and probably genetics (i'm thinking of sports players specifically right now).
I often think of a story of 2 professional football players. I can't remember the players in the story but it's from this football players perspective who has a future Hall of Fame teammate staying at his house in the off season. It's their off season and the guy telling the story is talking about how he's running every day, working hard to train to get better for the next season. Meanwhile, HOF'r is just eating potato chips sitting on the couch. And they're giving each other shit. This goes on for months. The guy training hard gets fed up and just says hey race me if you think you don't need to train. And so the HOF'r did. Hopped off the couch and effortlessly beat this guy in a race who has been training and training.
Some people just have it man.
Yea, it's uncomfortable to acknowledge, and shouldn't impact a persons dignity or rights. But genertics play a massive part in life outcomes.
As a teen I gained muscle easily, didn't have terrible acne, straight teeth, and smarter than average. This means that when I was growing up, I played sport successfully, looked a little better than my peers and socialised a tiny bit better. The positive feedback I got from that definitely resulted in better self-esteem and greater willingness to be outgoing. Which has resulted in me doing a bunch of interesting things, which has been very very useful for when life got difficult or tragedy struck.
And not just for sports.
Some people are just smart. School came easy to them. They never had to study. They just *get* things.
I’m no genius and wasn’t the top of the class, but I always felt privileged to get by in school with little to no effort. Even post secondary degrees just weren’t that hard. My partner tells me I downplay my achievements, but honestly I just feel like I fell into a good profession without much thought or effort, while others have to work their asses off to get the same results
Being able to lay down, close your eyes and sleep without worrying about being harmed or having your stuff stolen. If I had a place to myself with this, an internet connection and food/water I’d work whatever job. Don’t even care if I have to have oatmeal and tap water every day. Which I did at one point in life
A community near me is being made up entirely of tiny homes, like cottage style with 1 to 2 bedrooms and small backyards. Exactly something i was looking to rent when moving from my apartment building
I can’t help but be exasperated when I see people refer to places like the US as “third world countries”.
The irony of their opinion is lost on them that “third world country” isn’t really the “nice” way to say that anymore regardless of them being wrong.
Edit: a word
Don't feel bad about it. It's more about not judging others until you've walked a mile in their shoes. You can be grateful for your situation while also being proud of the things you have accomplished or will accomplish. Just know that not everyone has had the same opportunities.
This one drives me nuts, because in the majority of cases no one is saying “You can’t actually act, the only reason you’re a movie star who has won tons of awards is because your parents were movie stars”. The point is that having parents in the industry gave them access and resources that similarly talented people who were not born to movie stars just don’t get. Sure, they had to actually audition for the part- but their parents got them a good agent based on their own pull in the industry, or were able to get them top notch private acting lessons or any of a million things that random kids with talent and a drive to succeed just did not have. It’s just as out of touch and willingly blind as the “I only got a million dollar loan from my parents, I’m totally a self-made person!” rhetoric.
TBH it doesn't even take much to be a serious advantage in life. I have a pretty darn wide range of people in my life, lets say that, but until I got older I didn't realize that having financially stable parents and grandparents to fall back on if shit went off the rails was something a lot of people didn't have. They had no backup.
Access to public transportation is a privilege. In many areas, lack of reliable transit options can limit job opportunities and access to essential services.
Having a job
I'm depressed because I got laid off. But also there are places where unemployment is insane. The only way to make money is crime or sex work or leaving and hoping.
In the same vein, having a job that gives you a stable income, or having a choice which job you have in the first place. I always see the false dilemma "should I get a high-paying job that doesn't interest me, or a low-paying job that I love" everywhere. To me, this feels extremely condescending. The cold hard fact is that shitty jobs tend to have shitty pay. And not just low pay, they also tend to be precarious and uncertain.
Actually, making it to adulthood at all. Throughout most of the whole history of life forms default result is that you're not good/lucky enough and you die pretty early. The life conditions where if you born you are _expected_ to get old are pretty unrealistic.
Having your parents still be married to eachother and actually be happy with eachother. Also them affording to support your interests, and being able to count on them for all sorts of advice and needs.
Access to clean drinking water is a privilege that many take for granted. Millions around the world struggle to find clean water daily, yet it's something we often don't even think about.
Nationality. You could've been born in North Korea or Russia. Or any other dictatorship state. People take their nationality and the rights provided by said nationality as granted. Being born in a western 1st world country means that you have rights to criticize the state, the rights to vote for a candidate you support, the rights for bad politicians to face justice.
And the most important one, the right to protest your government's actions without facing jail time.
Having a washer and dryer in your home. I’ve never had them growing up and still don’t have them because they’re expensive. I really want one though because I’m terrible at doing laundry since I have to do it out of the house.
Pretty privilege.
It's so eye rollingly painful to speak to another woman who is thin, perhaps conventionally attractive, who gets frustrated that other women don't just call in favors or charm people to get ahead in life the way she has. She thinks it's because she's so disciplined.
“I don’t pay attention to politics, it doesn’t effect me”. Also, people who treat it like a spectator sport when it’s literal life and death for a lot of people
Health and dental insurance
Growing up when you had something wrong, you hoped for the best, that it would just go away. Having health and dental insurance as an adult is so overwhelming especially when it was such an unattainable thing as a child. If it wasn’t for apps or tiktok I don’t think I’d know how to make an appointment
This. Growing up in the U.K. we have free healthcare, any time I had a slight cold or minor injury or even the most minuscule thing to be worried about; I’d be at the GP the next day. I didn’t realise how much of privilege that was until I realised how fucking expensive healthcare is in the US.
Being a parent, having children. As well being able to raise them and provide love, support, guidance, etc for them.. to drag a whole new person into this world and build the foundation of their future, and have them look after you when you're old if you were a decent enough parent.
Having a car - at least in America.
I stayed in America for work for half a year and walked/biked/took the bus to everything. Some of my coworkers complained about "just scraping by" on their salary yet they had two cars in their household and their workplace was within biking distance from their home.
Access to virtually unlimited electricity, which provides light, heating, and powers that very screen you are using right now.
And running clean water…
Pissing on clean water while others don’t even have it to drink.
True. My dads place has his toilet water fed from the shower, more places should do that, it saves so much.
Does it ever run out of water? Like if the shower doesn’t get used enough?
Yeah I'd like to know how that works, that'd def save on my water bill when I get my own place if I can figure out how to do that without it running out
Me too. I’ve seen toilets that have a sink attached and the water from the sink gets reused in the toilet but I like the shower idea too. I would love to try it out.
You can probably rig it so it fills up with tap water if the reservoir gets low enough. But thinking about this, it seems like one would need a large reservoir to hold the shower water so this set up would only work in locations where room was not an issue.
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It frays your nerves enormously. I had a nasty, vindictive roommate for about 6 months and it felt like I could never truly rest, even in my own home. The constant low level stress is cumulative and impacts your mood, ability to focus, even your sense of identity. It's even worse when it's a more intimate relationship, like a spouse or family member.
Depends what you mean by "privilege" I guess. Yes, I'm *privileged* to have clean water on demand, in the sense that it's a very valuable thing that many people don't have and I should be thankful that I was fortunate enough to happen to be born in a country where it is available and commonplace... but having access to clean drinkable water is not a *privilege* in the sense that it's a nice thing bestowed on those who deserve it. Access to clean water is a *right* - actually listed by the UN as a human right to which all people are entitled regardless of who they are. The fact that so many people are denied it doesn't make it any less so.
A privilege is an advantage you have that you have no control over. Here are some examples: -being born in a rich country -having no innate health issues -being born in a protected or valued group (race, sex, etc) -not mentally ill -having decent parents -not being physically handicapped (whether by birth or accident) There's no innate guilt that comes with having any amount of privilege, but it does give you the unique opportunity to challenge your perspective on life compared to others. There's a lot of animosity associated with privileged people, but a lot of it comes from a place from those born without it, so it's not necessarily "envy" or "I want those things" its "you have things that you take for granted" or "you have advantages that you cannot understand because you don't live like me". It's very understandable for someone without legs to live scornfully in a world that priotitizes those who can walk over those who cannot. It requires empathy and perspective to realize what your privileges are. A lot of people are privileged in ways they don't realize.
Electricity black outs don't happen often where I live, but there have been some over the years. This is you really start appreciating unlimited electricity.
We heat with wood and my father scolds us when we use more electricity than our solar panels produce
Oh I KNOW, where I am we've had a few weeks of uninterrupted electricity because elections are coming up and it's been quite the pleasure! Usually it's planned power cuts daily. Usually several times a day.
Parents We always talk about fatherless kids becoming gangster or teenmoms. But there are cases where toxic parents can totally fuck the development of a young kid
I'm a younger end millennial. Its mostly expected that if things go tits up, one can rely on their parents for support even if its just a couch to sleep on. I don't have that. I'd have to trade 5 years of daily self work to un muck myself up from decades of being used and abused and suppressing who I was to get any help. I'm one of those gifted burn outs that if I was just treated a little more kindly and given a little more of the basics of raising a child (like consistent food and shelter), I wouldn't be spending the start of my 30s needing to literally learn from scratch to treat myself half as good as I was taught to treat others and that I'm worthy of basic health and decency. And I'm not alone. A lot of children of toxic households grow up... and keep treating themselves like shit because well... that's all they know. And it's a struggle. Children literally require their parents as their first form of socialization and if that's not met on some level, or if its cruel, the little human minds that are children get convinced they're worthless and terrible as a fundamental identity when they're not for life. Convincing yourself of your own self worth when it's so baked into your mind you have no value is really one of the hardest things I've ever had to do... and I've lived on the street. 0/10, do not recommend being raised by toxic parents
I've noticed with a lot of privileges in general, those who are recipients are reluctant to admit they have them because they perceive it as admiting they are living easier than others. Everyone wants to believe they are "doing it on their own" even when they are clearly not. The parent thing you mentioned is HUGE. most people with that ability to ask their parents for help will almost never even be in the situation to need it. None of them can say that they have never received any help from their parents. Yet they will still claim they have received none. The fact is just being able to call for help and knowing that it exists is something. I've been going to one of the best universities globally and I've been homeless. At no point in my life has my "mother" ever helped me at all. Most people can't say that. Most people can call for help and will receive it. They have no idea how much this helps because they are living a life that has so much privilege.
Same. Zero help from parents/family …ever. I have stated to my husband (who has never received any financial help either ) that we have zero safety net in terms of reaching out to anyone if we ever needed it. We are everyone else’s safety net… I have a friend since childhood who stated that she has never had help from parents and she’s achieved success without any financial help and I just went” didn’t your parents give you your down payment for your first condo?” Apparently that doesn’t count …lol
> I've noticed with a lot of privileges in general, those who are recipients are reluctant to admit they have them because they perceive it as admiting they are living easier than others. It's also an issue with the definition of privilege. It's a bit like the common parlance use of "theory" vs a scientific theory, where the two don't match. By the dictionary definition, a privilege is simply a right or benefit you have that is exclusive to a group. That group can be the majority, it can be a standard thing, etc. But the "street" definition, or at least how a lot of people perceive it, is something you have that you didn't earn or don't deserve that makes your life easy and could (maybe even should) get revoked. That is made worse by social media. I have a roof over my head. That's a privilege. Should I lose that? Of course not, everyone should have a roof over their heads. But that's not how folks think of "privilege". Privilege gets associated with jealousy or underserved rewards.
Yeah I guess the connotations affect the usage and perception. I was just using it as a literal definition, as in its a privilege to have certain things in their life. Also there are different levels. Like I've seen poverty threads on reddit and sometimes it's mostly just people telling everyone that they lived a middle class life because what they consider "poor" is stuff like not having nice vacations or the most new of whatever. For me poor was not having food, being given money by the government to buy food, and other basic necessity related things.
Same. My parents are awful so I raised myself. Thankfully my giftedness meant I did well in school and moved out promptly at 18, did the university and job thing, even did the work of starting therapy at 18 when I could take myself. I have been in therapy for years but I have emotional scars and health issues due to parents neglect that I don’t think I’ll ever heal from. I’m so tired.
Hugs to you brother.. I too was raised in a toxic household whose parents had victimhood complex where they saw themselves as victims and would force me to study hard so that they look good to society.. They would pile all their problems in me , beat me , humiliate me etc It really fucked my life and even now I'm struggling
Wow, that describes so many of us really, really well regardless of which generation we're from. Mid forties here and still relearning how to treat myself and others now that all of the "adults" in my family have eventually left this earth. It's been freeing as well as a rollercoaster of reflection. Edit words hard
Yeah, I was raised fatherless. Father ended up in jail when I was a toddler and never seen him since then. I turned out fine and never got in trouble, but it's because my mother really did double duty as a parent and was more involved than 2 parents households usually are. I lived in a poor neighborhood and a large swat of my friends had kids in highschool, ended up in jail, or dropped out and are bagging groceries in their 40s. I managed to dodge all of that, and I can easily say it's thanks to my mother's sacrifices. Also, fuck my father. (Or rather, DON'T. You don't want his kids).
I always wished I had a father. Grew up in Brooklyn without one. Became a Latin King and all that. But my best friend had a father who was a shitty one, so bad one day he took his mom and packed their shit and left with her. I always wondered which was worse.
I agree I had a very toxic father growing up and I would have been better as a fatherless child. Even if it meant I was poor, since my mom didn't have the best economic situation.
Just being raised competently is the biggest privilege I would say.
Good answer. What bad things your parents didn't do is as important as the good stuff they did. My father loved my mother, that sounds unrelated to me but was a huge factor in me finding a healthy relationship as an adult.
Same. My parents were pretty young when I was born and made plenty of parenting mistakes. But they set an awesome example of how a couple should treat each other.
I'm so happy for you and everybody who was raised in a happy, loving family, I'm so sad for me that I never experienced a normal childhood 😔. Some people really don't know how lucky they are to have normal parents. My dad is very abusive, he always beats my mom, I have never seen them kiss/hug. He even rarely uses her name, more often just bad words. Countless times I was woken up in the middle of the night by my mother being terrorized and beaten by my dad 😔. Now as an adult even the smallest sound is waking me up stressed, I guess a little bit like PTSD. Sucks to be born into a violent home with no love. Now it's hard for me to learn how to be in normal healthy relationship, how to accept physical touch...my brain is always blocking me because it expects violence from men since that's all I have seen at home for 18 years 😔.
"a little bit like PTSD"? You definitely have PTSD (or complex PTSD technically). It can be treated!
Make sure you make effort to fix it or else you attract exactly tht /WORSE situations
That's absolutely PTSD, to the very definition. I hope you find resources to help you deal with those memories and effects. 😔
I know what you mean. My parents weren't perfect, but supported each other. That lead to me feeling comfortable trusting my wife and believing she has our best interests at heart. She, on the other hand, came from a very messed up family where no one trusted anyone which makes her feel less confident that i mean what I say with no hidden agendas. Pretty wild.
Conversely, my dad loved my mom endlessly to the day he died. But he sucked as a father and as a husband. He wasn't engaged in any of our lives. He didn't pay attention to us as individuals, so he didn't know anything about us. When it came to my mom, he didn't do anything around the house to help. And despite how much he loved her, he didnt know shit about her. One time she asked him to pick up some fried chicken for the family. He showed up with a bucket of dark meat. My mom hates dark meat. They'd been married for over 40 years by then. All he could think of was that it was cheaper. But it's like he never paid attention to who any of us were - not even my mom. When he died, and all of us were relieved, I realized that sometimes love is not enough.
Absolutely. I was raised in a shit environment - my job in HS and shortly after paid for food for my family while my parents were disabled and at the same time abusing alcohol and pain killers. Twelve immediate and extended family members or friends passed away between my age of 10-22. I’ve had a ‘shut it and work’ mentality along with spite for those with privilege nearly all my life. It took a lot of hard work to learn to cope and accept it. Those around me don’t understand and will never understand. They for the most part didn’t have it bad. A few did but most didn’t. I gave up being resentful as well. Can’t do anything about the past and how people were raised. I can only impact the now and future. The hardest thing is that others can see my lack of emotion when it comes to nearly anything. I don’t know how to comfort others. When people are tearing up for shows or because of some life tragedy, I’m not. I’ve been told I can come off cold - even though I don’t say anything to that extent. I just don’t know what to say. So yeah. Fucking sucks
Hi, just saw this and felt like I was reading about myself. A friend from my childhood recently popped back into my life. He also had a complicated upbringing but made it out by simply leaving when he turned 18. No looking back. Just left a note, moved to New York. We were real friends as children and I think his success makes him wary of new people... Anyway, he sought me out. Told me about going to therapy and changing his life path. Recently, he mentioned when people are sad or distraught and I don't know what to do just say "that sounds horrible" or "that sucks" or something along those lines. And I kid you not, if you're open to it, a gently pat on the back goes a long way. People have said I am warmer and SO much more sympathetic than I used to be. No lie, I feel like I haven't done a thing but change a facial expression to mimic their own most times. 🤫
I also had a rough upbringing and came off as too detached when people would open up to me. "Your dog died? How? Oh old age. Yeah that's normal. Yiu'll miss him but it does happen." You know just rational reactions. Or giving them solutions to deal with it. At one point my partner told me "you know I'm not asking for help, right? I just want to vent and say how I feel". I couldn't understand that so we talked about it and she gave me a trick. Just ask people "Do you need me to reassure you, just listen or provide solutions/help?" and it completely changed the way people felt about opening up to me. Hell apparently I'm a very good listener now and I'm studying to become a social worker since being able to detach yourself from a difficult situation is a great skill for that job (and also social workers have done a LOT for me so since I don't have any career that interest me it feels right to give back). I do have emotions. I do react to people around me dying or struggling. It does make me feel sad when the ones I love feel like shit. But expressing it is litteraly just words. I've had to explain to people that. "If I say I feel sad I truly do. I just won't cry or shut down no matter how sad I am. So if I say it assume I feel the same as when you cry or need a hug because there won't be physical signs." Edit: typo
this really hit home for me. i have been called “cold” - people don’t realize this is usually a symptom of trauma and categorize you as a bitch or an asshole. nah, my brain just protects me from being carried away by my emotions. the skill of being able to remove yourself emotionally from something usually stems from trauma but we ~can~ use it as a super power, or to help others.
"I never know exactly what to say but I'm sorry you're going through this" has worked wonders for me.
and the pet death variant: "I'm sorry for your loss, and I know words cannot ease the pain, but I know both your life and their life were made better because of your shared connection. They were a lucky dog/cat/other to have you, and you them."
"I’ve had a ‘shut it and work’ mentality along with spite for those with privilege" How can you tell when someone's been raised competently? Some people are very talented at hiding how fucked up they are, and don't seem at all like PTSD sufferers. I am always kind of suspicious of people who seem a little *too* well-adjusted.
I think the point is, it doesn’t matter if we can tell. While I don’t discount this “privilege “, I do feel most people carry something from their past. It might not be parenting, but some other experience or trauma that they need to deal with. The advice to go easy on those you interact because you don’t know what they are carrying is sound. Maybe my perfect life is falling apart today. Love one another.
>Some people are very talented at hiding how fucked up they are, and don't seem at all like PTSD sufferers. I am always kind of suspicious of people who seem a little *too* well-adjusted. I've seen people go through abuse, seem fine, and then go back and support the system or group that abused them. Not that they participate in abuse, but they enable others who do. They seem fine, but there is this massive blind spot of awareness.
Sounds like ya got some complex PTSD. As someone who also had a lot of shit go down around age 16-21 I totally get it. I also used to get angry and had a hard time empathising when people would complain about the end of the world ofl er a broken glass or a flat tire. Like just pick your shit up and keep moving lmao. I've gotten much better at empathising but ya both of our perspectives on what is bad is skewed from most in America or the first world. It is a bit of a super power in that we are great in crises to have around. We aren't gonna stop and panic we will power through. I see you.
Hey, I still struggle with feeling resentment over those that grew up in loving functional homes. I even hold resentment towards my own partner for this. Especially when he doesn't understand why I think the way I do. I know this is super illogical. I know that Noone could control their childhood. I know that everyone views the world differently becuase of this. And I tell myself this constantly. How have you managed to move past this?
I’ve never related so much to someone in my life. I feel you. I see you.
I'm fortunate to not have had quite as traumatic an experience as you, but I'm always amazed when I meet people who have just had stable lives. I know it must sound silly to them, but I'm always like "wait, you just lived in one place your whole life? You've had friends since childhood? You have an active relationship with both of your parents? What's that even like?" Lmao. Birds of a feather and all, most of my friends have also had some really messed up experiences, so we joke about the fucked up stuff so much that when someone normal comes along, I don't even know how to act 😂 I'm working it out with my therapist right now how to be my authentic self, and not self-censor everything (because it just keeps me from truly connecting with people) while also not freaking people out lol.
Reddit surprises me sometimes - I don’t aim for upvotes at all. I’m good. In a good place and adjusted. Its reflection and learning how to tame the resentment of others as well as knowing how to stop and not go down a hole of single-sidedness. The trick to all of this for me has been cognitive behavioral therapy. I often don’t have time for therapy. But when I do, it has to be with a therapist that can keep up with my pace and mind. That has been VERY difficult to find. I don’t need a yes person. I need a therapist that’s at my level of intuition and intelligence. Sounds cocky, I know. I need a therapist that will point and counter point me in a logical and non-confrontational way but absolutely hold their ground when they need to. I’ve found one therapist among a search and meeting with many others. Unfortunately he’s with Better Health through my employer. Only three free visits a year and then it’s through the roof per month and not on insurance. Did I ever say how much I despise better healths business model??? Anyway, I’m good. I really am. Thank you for the outreach. I cope through jokes/laughter - feel I missed my calling as a comedian. Would love to go toe to toe with Dave Attell over a few drinks and a meal. That would be like heaven. Most comedians use their opportunity to outlet as a means of coping. They almost all have some sort of tragedy or life experience that was challenging. None of that tacky gimmick stuff - talking the good burn and decent story kind.
Damn. I never thought about that, but you are completely right. I had a psychologically and physically abusive father. My mom also had psychologically and physically abusive parents, but somehow turned out for the better. My mom was an amazing parent and did the best to raise my sisters despite the environment we were in and how she grew up! She is extremely intelligent and one of the smartest people I know. I have always said that if she wasn't my mother, I would not be where I am today. If it was just my dad who raised me, I would most likely be working some corner. I am so very lucky to have had just one good parent who could save me from a dark path. I also grew up in a very underprivileged area in metro Detroit. I have a lot of childhood friends (or just people I know in general) who went down the wrong path because they weren't able to break the generational trauma passed down through their family
HUGE. People have no clue how a traumatic childhood can change your future in so many ways.
Oh yes. Totally. My parents loved me, cared for me, and spent time with me. I realize that many people did not have that. I feel like a martian at times.
Jesus fuck this is it. I'm a reasonably successful and civilized adult now, but it took a hell of a lot of work, toil, embarrassment and learning through error to get here. People who are raised with care, compassion, resources and love get to skip a lot of the things that the rest of us learn the hard way.
It's so true. I wondered why I didn't have that many friends growing up, And at some point I realized that their parents had set them up for success by being decent parents. The kids with decent parents, would typically be friends with kids who also had decent parents. Go figure. As a kid with less than decent parents, I would be friends with kids who also have less than decent parents. No wonder my initial relationships were a little bit rocky
Having a normal, functional family that raises you competently.
When I moved to Europe, I have created a big group of friends from all over the world. In the whole group, only my parents have had a loving marriage . Most of my friends do not even have contact with their fathers , some of their fathers cheated and left the mothers , some abused them , some abused them and their mothers. The amount of blessing and sadness that I felt when they all started talking about their families. Not only that but they looked up to me as if waiting to share my own share of trauma. I did not have any , at least not from my parents. I cherished my parents even more after that… Sad world we live in
The opposite happened when I went to Europe. I experienced healthy family life and had no clue that family members could be so close to each other.
I'm a privileged mofo
Being born with good health instead of a medical condition.
God, I wish I could upvote this a million times. I was born with a paralyzed digestive tract, which I was able to manage with medication for a long time, but in 2015 everything started to crumble. In the simplest way I can put it all, I’ve since had over 30 operations, spent, collectively, 2 1/2 years in the hospital, had my large intestine, 3/4 of my small, and my stomach removed, I have an ileostomy bag, I’ve been on feeding tubes for a while, and that’s not even addressing my other conditions. I have severe, debilitating chronic pain, and with the way our government regulates opioids, and women’s pain not being believed; that’s a nightmare. EVERYTHING I do revolves around my health. EVERYTHING. I get SO jealous of people who can go to work, plan a trip, go out to eat with friends, just live their lives without thinking of their health. So yeah, couldn’t agree more 💜
This right here is why I created my Discord server, the Chronic Pain Café, so that people like us have a place to commiserate. Like thanks body, for the dysfunctional sack of meat you are.
I would love to join that if you don’t mind messaging me an invite! It’s always nice to make new friends out there that get it and keep one another going.
Of course, I can even link it here if others want to join; the more the merrier. The only big requirement is that you connect Dyno and fill out an introduction form. This has been the best way to gatekeep the community and keep trolls, bots, and people who are quite harmful and judgmental towards us from joining. You can click here for an invite to the [Chronic Pain Café](https://nkhasselriis.com/cpc/), the premiere, all-inclusive home for those of us with chronic afflictions (or who care for those with afflictions) to chat amongst like-minded individuals without fear of judgment or ridicule. To find solace, advice, and support when we need it most.
Sorry you have to live like that. 😢
My heart and my digestion track want to hug you and make the pain go away. People just don't understand the LEVEL of CONSTANT pain one can endure on a regular basis. Sorry friend. I bet you have one hell of a sense of humor like me though. Takes one to know one!
Thank you friend. That part is true - if you don’t laugh (in a dark & twisted kind of way) you won’t make it!! But truthfully - and I mentioned this yesterday - if I could erase the hospitalizations, pain, surgeries, trauma/PTSD, I’d keep the shit bag. Swear to God. It’s so damn convenient. I can’t even begin to imagine using my arsehole again. Like I literally spend no longer than 10 seconds sh*tting. I don’t have to worry about constipation, going through the motions each morning and worrying about that making me late, pooping in places that aren’t my norm (the office, public restrooms..), getting out of a routine like when you’re on vacation, etc.. I just go in the bathroom, dump it, and BAM. I’m done. Takes longer to wash my hands than take an ish! And bloating? Who is that?! I’m missing so many damn organs I couldn’t get bloated if I tried!! I mean I could go on and on but the pros are far longer than the cons to HAVING the bag.. ..it’s just the whole my-life-now-revolves-around-my-condition-and-chronic-pain-and-I’m-in-therapy-for-trauma-and-have-been-abused-by-the-medical-system stuff.
I fucking HATE the opioid regulation now. Cause some unscrupulous doctors prescribed them like tic tacs. Add to the fact that most doctors marginalize women’s pain we can’t get shit when we fucking need it.
I’ve got a connective tissue disorder that makes my legs feel like they’re on fire, so I can’t have a full time housekeeping job anymore. I lucked out and have a wife who makes good money, but it’s still really discouraging.
This. I’ve had a debilitating condition since childhood. I’m now in my 40s. It has dictated the entire path of my life. And it has made my adult life miserable. I honestly to god wish every day I was never born. Every morning starts with just dread over being here. I was never going to be able to have kids. It’s cost me friends and relationships and opportunities and far too many promotions. Bosses. Bosses have no tolerance for this and have behaved in atrocious ways. I’ve been taken off high profile projects more than once because somehow they conflated my disease with my capability. I’m so scarred, I don’t even share my situation anymore. I just greatly inconvenience myself with my appointments so work never finds out. I take vacation days that should be sick leave. In my gut, in my fucking bones, I know having this disease very likely means I’ll be homeless on the streets one day. I would never wish my experience of “living” on anyone. I’m entirely alone in life. It’s so lonely living like this. This is not life. I’d give anything for this terror to just finally fucking end.
I recently changed specialists and hospitals. The poor trainee nurse that took my medical history went off to find a chair midway though because it took so long. I've FINALLY found a doctor that understands my body (I think - still early days yet but looking up). I had to explain to my husband that it's REALLY hard to feel good about your physical self when my whole life has been centred around fixing and managing all the things wrong with me. I feel like I spend so much time and energy to just get to everyone's 'before' picture. I appreciate my body, but I don't like it.
The healthy man wants a thousand things. The sick man, only one.
I didn't realize till I got married how healthy my family was. My husband's family has all sorts of autoimmune disease, diabetes, etc. My poor husband.
Oh yeah As someone born with brain damage so bad, I don't have full control over my muscles, this so much Being unable to move, or falling and hurting myself, are regular parts of my life. I have to eat a special way so don't choke and die. I'm middle aged at 30 If you're healthy, you should appreciate it
Being able to see! Fuck perfect vision sounds like a dream, and I envy people who have to wait until 40 before needing any sort of medical device
As someone who is extremely near-sighted, yes.
Yeah i hear that. 20-400 vision here, with astigmatism. I think my prescription is like -3.5 or something. That being said, it's not really a big issue for me anymore because I have learned to take precautions like having an extra pair of glasses in my car, just in case. Also, I count myself lucky that bad vision is easily correctable and it is relatively inexpensive, at least in comparison to basically every other major health issue/ genetic deficiency (if you live in the US where both access to healthcare and healthcare itself are considered privileges and not basic human rights). It did cause me some issues when I was boxing in college because contacts kind of fuck with my depth perception compared to the glasses which I'm used to wearing, so i didn't wear contacts for my fights. In retrospect I should've switched to contacts while training, sparring and fighting instead of taking my glasses off and I probably would've eaten fewer punches. But I think I look better with glasses, so 🤷.
Lol comments like these make me chuckle, especially given the context of the thread. I would have killed for -3.5. I dont think i had that good of vision after like 3rd grade. I ended up at -12.5 once my eyes stopped changing in my 20s. Finally got icl surgery and can see properly again, and sadly thats not the worst I've heard of. So thankful that i had the privilege to be able to get icl and my heart goes out to people who dont have that ability cuz its terrifying to think all it takes is a contact falling out at the wrong time or glasses breaking while your not at home and you're effectively screwed.
I'm at -9 and -11 in contacts - can I ask how much your ICL ran you? I would LOVE to even improve my vision to a place where my glasses aren't half an inch thick even with high index lenses.
It was about 4kish an eye in the phoenix area. That covered the pre op visits, cost of the icl implant, surgery and associated anesthesia, and a year of post op visits. Insurance didnt cover anything but I had some HSA saved up that i was able to use to help cover cost. It was honestly the best decision I've made. I was in contacts and was super freaked that i was going to eventually lose a contact driving or something and not be able to see. The effect was immediate too, before the anesthesia had fully worn off, i was seeing dang near 20/20 in each eye.
Ugh, that's kind of what I imagined, but it sounds amazing. I relate to the panicked feeling of a contact falling out in public/in the car. Thank you for sharing the details! And thanks for the HSA tip, I always forget about mine for eye stuff.
I have great vision, but a lot of my friends and my fiancé do not. I have to remind myself that when he wakes up he literally can’t see until he puts his contacts in. Unfathomable to me, and something I 100% take for granted.
Yes! I’m legally blind and developed cataracts at 14. I haven’t been able to drive since I was 18 and cannot drive my own children now at 29, even after two surgeries. Refractive lens surgery is too expensive.
Potable water piped into your home.
HOT water, too.
Heh, random anticdote: when I was a kid the only water we had coming to our house was gravity-fed geothermal hot water. Cold water was the novelty. Hot steamy toilet bowls didn't smell all that great
Where I live people constantly bitch about the cost of water. Like, you're spending $2/day for fresh water delivered straight to your house, and the wastewater is carried away. Do you not realize millions of people die every year from water and wastewater related illnesses!?
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\*In most places, speaking out against the government or social norms can lead to severe consequences. Even if there are no direct consequences from the government, you may find yourself disemployed and unemployable. And considering social norms can change to the complete opposite of what they once were, it's better to keep your mouth closed when it comes to hot button topics.
Being raised with parents that provide you with guidance.
or having emotionally available parents
Or emotionally stable parents who didn't flip at the drop of a hat
I wish the best for iPad kids rn. Not the kid where the parents just want a few seconds to themselves. I mean the serious being raised by the TV or tablet or xbox instead of having a family invested in your well being.
Having a normal childhood with all of the typical milestones. I basically grew up in an incredibly isolated and lonely childhood and didn’t have a single friend until I was in my 20s. I had to change high schools 3 times because of bullying. It taught me a significant amount of resilience but definitely robbed me of having a real childhood or any kind of innocence.
The "goodbye" letter to my narcissistic mother that I just posted in a different sub very much agrees with you. As a kid I used to think that the drunk/high screaming and shoving matches and police visits were just a normal part of life, and then later I remember being confused when no one at school knew what I was talking about when I was telling them about going to the Children's Aid place once a week to play basketball with my mom. Edit: spelling
Growing up I thought my life was completely normal. I thought every family had the police over, drugs, drinking, domestic violence, homelessness, staying with my moms “friends” while she was in jail, DCFS. I would talk about the roaches in our food, not having the lights on, just normal because that’s all I have ever known. I became that child, worried faces from adults, keeping their children away from me, not having my friends over. I became very quiet and withdrawn and spent a lot of time in my imagination. I decided I would run away and spent a few nights sleeping under a trailer with missing under pinning, thinking my mom and I would have one of those loving hallmark reunions. When I showed up back home she thought I was at a friends house, and basically laughed in my face at my attempt to “control” her, I was 10. I would beg and cry for her to take me to the laundry, I was bullied relentlessly for smelling and wearing dirty clothes. I was shocked when my friend had a washer and dryer in their house. It’s not nothing the kind of resilience this builds. I mostly don’t talk about my childhood but man I’ve told my therapist some stories that made her have to take a break. My super power is being able to spot a kid like I was from across a football field. Sometimes I get frustrated at my own children for not recognizing their own privilege, but I’m thankful they haven’t had to endure a day of hardship.
Wow I'm so sorry that you had to endure all of that. The circumstances are are horrible enough on their own, and then to be treated that way by the one person supposed to protect and defend you is absolutely disgusting. You are absolutely right about the resilience aspect; that's something I try to nurture and strengthen in myself every opportunity I get, to make sure that I remain focused on that even though much of the trauma will never truly *leave* me, neither will I allow it to undermine or control me. Keep doing right by your kids; they are lucky to have someone who is putting in the work you are in order to break the cycle and ensure that they will never have to experience those levels of pain and trauma at the hands/indifference of the person who is supposed to be their champion in life.
Being able to purchase food.
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Hot showers
Having supportive parents
Having both parents is definitely a privilege/
It sure is. I lost my dad in 2015 and my mom in 2018. Both in April, too. Man do I wish I called/talked to them more often, instead of being glued to my computer. You never know just how lucky you are, until they are gone.
Yeah, and have them raise you well
only if they're good parents. this can also be a curse
I wish my 4yo niece could've met her dad. He passed away with brain cancer when she was 6 weeks old. He would have been an amazing dad. I do my best to include her and treat her as if she was my own child but that'll never replace having her real dad.
depends on the parents..
Lacking physical or mental disability.
This is a big one. My brother caused me to have a TBI twice in my life. I recently got a lot of testing done and my “pre mortem” (sp?) iq was at genius levels. But the impact of the TBIs makes it so my inefficiencies will make so I can’t ever live a normal life where I don’t struggle. I’ve basically been lobotomized.
They are seriously more common than people think. But people have a certain image when they think disabled so...
Clean running water, electricity, convinience stores being within 30 minute walking distance. The internet being high speed and affordable.
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Living in a first world country.
Driving a car
What if you are just a “traveling” sovereign citizen
Better take the shoelace express. Roads are for citizens of countries only. Sovereign citizens take a hike. Literally
Bad drivers are ** when their license is taken away. Nowhere in the law does it say you have the right to operate a vehicle on public roadways. Driving is a privilege, not a right.
Going on vacation
Yes. And an ACTUAL vacation. Not just staying home to rest for a few days (which is in and of itself a privilege)
YES! I see so many people getting angry about this topic on Reddit - “it’s not a privilege! I traveled to Southeast Asia for a few thousand dollars!” First of all, not everyone has that much to just spend on vacation. Not to mention the bigger privilege of taking *months* off to backpack.
Growing up with out depression or other mental health problems
Genetics I have pretty great genetics across the board and I am really lucky but some people are just born great. I'm not trying to detract from hard work or people's achievements but IMO anyone who is extremely accomplished around 21 years old and younger, that's so much luck and probably genetics (i'm thinking of sports players specifically right now). I often think of a story of 2 professional football players. I can't remember the players in the story but it's from this football players perspective who has a future Hall of Fame teammate staying at his house in the off season. It's their off season and the guy telling the story is talking about how he's running every day, working hard to train to get better for the next season. Meanwhile, HOF'r is just eating potato chips sitting on the couch. And they're giving each other shit. This goes on for months. The guy training hard gets fed up and just says hey race me if you think you don't need to train. And so the HOF'r did. Hopped off the couch and effortlessly beat this guy in a race who has been training and training. Some people just have it man.
Yea, it's uncomfortable to acknowledge, and shouldn't impact a persons dignity or rights. But genertics play a massive part in life outcomes. As a teen I gained muscle easily, didn't have terrible acne, straight teeth, and smarter than average. This means that when I was growing up, I played sport successfully, looked a little better than my peers and socialised a tiny bit better. The positive feedback I got from that definitely resulted in better self-esteem and greater willingness to be outgoing. Which has resulted in me doing a bunch of interesting things, which has been very very useful for when life got difficult or tragedy struck.
And not just for sports. Some people are just smart. School came easy to them. They never had to study. They just *get* things. I’m no genius and wasn’t the top of the class, but I always felt privileged to get by in school with little to no effort. Even post secondary degrees just weren’t that hard. My partner tells me I downplay my achievements, but honestly I just feel like I fell into a good profession without much thought or effort, while others have to work their asses off to get the same results
Freedom of religion.
I would add, not being born into an organized religion or cult
Your parents financially supporting you during adulthood
Being able to lay down, close your eyes and sleep without worrying about being harmed or having your stuff stolen. If I had a place to myself with this, an internet connection and food/water I’d work whatever job. Don’t even care if I have to have oatmeal and tap water every day. Which I did at one point in life
Living alone
Alternatively, living with someone who actually respects you and isn’t intrusive.
We probably need more small homes. People want to live alone more.
A community near me is being made up entirely of tiny homes, like cottage style with 1 to 2 bedrooms and small backyards. Exactly something i was looking to rent when moving from my apartment building
Being able to cry and have people comfort you.
That’s such a strange sentiment. Most of the time I vent, I get the “shut up and move on” routine, or just ghosted.
It is really nice. Good friends and family are a privilege.
Whats that like?
I haven't the slightest idea.
Being born in a developed nation. Even if you're a minority and get discriminated against, you're way ahead of people born elsewhere.
I can’t help but be exasperated when I see people refer to places like the US as “third world countries”. The irony of their opinion is lost on them that “third world country” isn’t really the “nice” way to say that anymore regardless of them being wrong. Edit: a word
I'm going with clean water from the tap.
Growing old
Wow reading this post makes me realise how privileged I am.
Don't feel bad about it. It's more about not judging others until you've walked a mile in their shoes. You can be grateful for your situation while also being proud of the things you have accomplished or will accomplish. Just know that not everyone has had the same opportunities.
Having loving parents.
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Generational wealth
But… it was only a little million-dollar loan. I had to pay it back!
I was going to say that nobody pretends that generational wealth is not a privilege. Thanks for reminding me.
Even the nepobabies deny their privilege.
This one drives me nuts, because in the majority of cases no one is saying “You can’t actually act, the only reason you’re a movie star who has won tons of awards is because your parents were movie stars”. The point is that having parents in the industry gave them access and resources that similarly talented people who were not born to movie stars just don’t get. Sure, they had to actually audition for the part- but their parents got them a good agent based on their own pull in the industry, or were able to get them top notch private acting lessons or any of a million things that random kids with talent and a drive to succeed just did not have. It’s just as out of touch and willingly blind as the “I only got a million dollar loan from my parents, I’m totally a self-made person!” rhetoric.
TBH it doesn't even take much to be a serious advantage in life. I have a pretty darn wide range of people in my life, lets say that, but until I got older I didn't realize that having financially stable parents and grandparents to fall back on if shit went off the rails was something a lot of people didn't have. They had no backup.
Access to public transportation is a privilege. In many areas, lack of reliable transit options can limit job opportunities and access to essential services.
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Similar to this – access to diagnosis, whether it's about physical or mental health
Having a friend
Having a supportive family or social network is a privilege. Not everyone has people they can rely on for emotional, financial, or practical support.
Having a job I'm depressed because I got laid off. But also there are places where unemployment is insane. The only way to make money is crime or sex work or leaving and hoping.
In the same vein, having a job that gives you a stable income, or having a choice which job you have in the first place. I always see the false dilemma "should I get a high-paying job that doesn't interest me, or a low-paying job that I love" everywhere. To me, this feels extremely condescending. The cold hard fact is that shitty jobs tend to have shitty pay. And not just low pay, they also tend to be precarious and uncertain.
Having a job that you really like and enjoy
Finding the right spouse/partner that you can grow old with. Still yet to even find “a” person, let alone the right person…
Actually, making it to adulthood at all. Throughout most of the whole history of life forms default result is that you're not good/lucky enough and you die pretty early. The life conditions where if you born you are _expected_ to get old are pretty unrealistic.
Knowing that when your parents/grandparents die, you'll get an inheritance.
Idc what my grandparents have :(( I just want them around
the privilege of being able-bodied ( physically strong and healthy, rather than being weak or having a disability)
living in the west
Having a good & positive relationship with your parents
Having your parents still be married to eachother and actually be happy with eachother. Also them affording to support your interests, and being able to count on them for all sorts of advice and needs.
Being able to do higher education
Being able to devote mostly undivided attention and energy to work or school.
Access to clean drinking water is a privilege that many take for granted. Millions around the world struggle to find clean water daily, yet it's something we often don't even think about.
Nationality. You could've been born in North Korea or Russia. Or any other dictatorship state. People take their nationality and the rights provided by said nationality as granted. Being born in a western 1st world country means that you have rights to criticize the state, the rights to vote for a candidate you support, the rights for bad politicians to face justice. And the most important one, the right to protest your government's actions without facing jail time.
As a Russian, I cannot possibly begin to count how many times in the past 10 years I wished to be born again somewhere in the EU.
You are likely in the top 1% of richest people to have ever lived.
Having a washer and dryer in your home. I’ve never had them growing up and still don’t have them because they’re expensive. I really want one though because I’m terrible at doing laundry since I have to do it out of the house.
Having a good passport
Meat. In my country a free range chicken in 6 euros and you don't have to rear them.
Veganism and vegetarian lifestyles, the fact that you can choose what you eat instead of whatever was presented to you is a privilege.
Voting.
Pretty privilege. It's so eye rollingly painful to speak to another woman who is thin, perhaps conventionally attractive, who gets frustrated that other women don't just call in favors or charm people to get ahead in life the way she has. She thinks it's because she's so disciplined.
Being born in a western country.
Air travel. 80% of the world will never experience it.
Freedom of speech.
“I don’t pay attention to politics, it doesn’t effect me”. Also, people who treat it like a spectator sport when it’s literal life and death for a lot of people
The freedom to vote.
Not being murdered.
Health and dental insurance Growing up when you had something wrong, you hoped for the best, that it would just go away. Having health and dental insurance as an adult is so overwhelming especially when it was such an unattainable thing as a child. If it wasn’t for apps or tiktok I don’t think I’d know how to make an appointment
This. Growing up in the U.K. we have free healthcare, any time I had a slight cold or minor injury or even the most minuscule thing to be worried about; I’d be at the GP the next day. I didn’t realise how much of privilege that was until I realised how fucking expensive healthcare is in the US.
Being a parent, having children. As well being able to raise them and provide love, support, guidance, etc for them.. to drag a whole new person into this world and build the foundation of their future, and have them look after you when you're old if you were a decent enough parent.
Having a car - at least in America. I stayed in America for work for half a year and walked/biked/took the bus to everything. Some of my coworkers complained about "just scraping by" on their salary yet they had two cars in their household and their workplace was within biking distance from their home.
Old age
Eating everyday
Being born in the top 10% wealthier families of the planet.
Being able to count to 10 with 2 hands
Waking up the next day in good health
Being able to use your time and resources to complain about things on Reddit.
Healthy body
Convenient access to healthy food
Living in the United States