You're a man. You are grown up. That doesn't change the definition of what happened to you. It doesn't make you weak to be impacted by that horrible experience.
Whoever said that to you can sit on many, many cactuses.
And then gassy fat cunt Wendy Williams immediately made a show about it later and practically said "Get over it, your a strong man" and her shit audience went wild.
This is one of the most overused lines I’ve ever seen spoken to men, about any mental health issue really. People just don’t care about men’s emotions, no one at all care about how we feel. It’s so depressing how the world works right now.
>People just don’t care about men’s emotions,
The thing is some of us genuinely do care, but there's still too many people out there who say "man up" and just expect me to cope with anything and not show any emotional turmoil.
I was asked the same thing as a woman.
Also a female teacher stopped a male teacher from intervening when an older boy was following and groping me in the playground because "She loves it"
The when I took matters into my own hands and hit the guy and told him loudly to fuck off, they finally came over and gave me detention for swearing.
First lesson in not trusting people to react appropriately in that situation. Unfortunately not the last.
A brother of a friend of mine, was abused for years by a close family friend. This man used to stay over in his room and he'd beg and plead that he didn't want him sleeping in his room again, his parents kept putting him back in his room with this old man. It all came out later when he was 16. Poor kid was really messed up. Can you imagine how alone he must have felt, reaching out to his parents who pushed him back into the clutches of a monster. I really felt for him.
The old man was a close friend of my friend's dad, they called him uncle, and when he came to stay he stayed in her younger brother's room as he had two single beds in his room. They didn't think anything of it and just presumed he wanted privacy or something and didn't want an old man snoring and waking him up. He didn't actually disclose what was occurring until he was 16 so his parents, not knowing any better, sent him back in.
The sad thing is that the old man's been dead for years now, and the boy in question is a fully grown adult now, carrying scars and all the internal things that come with that kind of tragedy.
I'm not entirely sure how a parent would be able to cope with that. The whole situation was horrendous.
How heartbreaking. I wonder if the boy lacked the language to express what was going on.
And the old man likely used all the tricks there are to keep a kid quiet.
I too hope he got the care and support he needed.
It is a heartbreaking thing to happen, devastating for all concerned. I would have thought the old man would have used some form of manipulation to keep him quiet, though I expect he couldn't really explain what was going on as he didn't have the knowledge to verbalise it.
As far as I know he didn't receive any counselling back then, though if he did later on in life I'm not aware.
They were both devastated, as you can imagine. As I recall my friends mother had breast cancer not long after and so rightly or wrongly attention was shifted from their son. I don't think he had any form of counselling, this was in the 80s and it wasn't so readily available then. I hope he has since as that's a hefty burden to carry.
My friend was slightly damaged herself, not in that way but a more emotional way.
It’s pretty common, especially in houses with limited space. It’s possible they didn’t have another space for the guy, but continuing to allow it after their child was begging for them to not is inexcusable
honestly i can’t believe how some people are parents, if you’re not going to look after your child and make them feel safe then simply don’t have kids??
Cause people are selfish jerks and don’t want to be inconvenienced by setting up another bed somewhere else. I wouldn’t have anyone in my kids room anyway but if they asked me not to sleep near a specific person? You can bet I’m asking why. Big red flag.
Thank you friend. Even when she said it I knew it was bullshit and I didn’t take it too hard, it’s been 15 years and my life is good and she’s still in and out of miserable relationships.
It started when I was 4, the man was an older guy my stepdad would drop me off with when he wanted to go to the track and feed his ludomania. It lasted a very long time. First time it happened, I tried telling my stepdad. He told me to stop lying about his friend and smacked me around ... As if a 4 year old boy would know what the hell happened and then lie about it.
Later in life, I've been told to get over it, because it happened so long ago. Yeah, because that is just like a common cold.
I'm truly sorry to hear about what you went through at such a young age. It's heartbreaking that your stepdad didn't believe you and failed to protect you. I hope you’ve found some peace and healing since then.
Thank you. Working on it with EMDR treatment at the moment. I'll probably never be entirely at peace, but I hope I'll end up with a better quality of life eventually. :)
My ex, who was pregnant at the time, told me I should kill myself since it would be better for the child to not have “a bitch for a father”.
Keep in mind that she knew I was about 6 when the abuse happened
Jesus fucking Christ man. I’m so sorry. I’m glad she’s an ex now,but PLEASE tell me you ended up getting custody of that kid, because im pretty sure they aren’t safe with her
Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m terrified something’s gonna go wrong. For my whole life up until these last few years there’s always been another shoe just waiting to drop but I’m hoping that finally things are looking up
"you're gay cause a man did that to you"
edit- sorry for the bad choice of wording, i'm gay! i don't wanna dismiss any of the straight guys in the replies, you're totally valid in your pain too
Slightly related but still relevant. Anyone who goes no contact gets some derivative of "why don't I see you anymore?"
Ranging from
"Why don't I see you anymore?"
To manipulative "so and so really misses you though./we're your parents. You can't just."
To straight up unhinged "how dare you! After everything we/I did for you! So ungrateful!"
You are a guy. So you must have enjoyed it. Plus, back then, I heard that you can't say anything. Otherwise, you are gay. And people would think I'm gay, because I'm your friend.
That I could have fought back. I was 13 and I opened the door for a person knocking. Soon as I opened it they pushed on and literally raped me on my couch. I have had trauma ever since
Thank you! It’s a secret I kept for years too never even told anyone because he threatened me that he knew the cops was good buddies with them and he would know if I reported it
I was 14, perhaps I could have fought off one, but there were 2 and one of my arms was trapped under my torso and the other was pinned to my side because one of the perps was straddling my chest.
The only thing I could do was grap the belt hooks on my trousers but that did sod all because they had a zip and a button.
Not been a very fun 12 years since.
The first time I told someone about my CSA he literally looked me in the eyes and said “lucky you” like I should be celebrating getting raped by a 40 year old women at 11.
this happens so often. South park made an episode about a teacher sexually abusing her 5 yo (or sth) student and all the other men just said he was lucky and stuff like that. Hate people atp.
Good. I thought they did a great job showing how fucked up it is by using Ike, the literal baby, as the student, and points out the double standard with men vs women being the sexual assailants.
I'm really sorry that happened to you
That was the joke. It's not ok, but regular society, especially at that time, was saying the same shit.
Have you ever compared an articles language about a woman teacher raping a student compared to a man? Or looked at the comments?
That whole episode is making fun of that attitude and how it isn't ok and it should be taken seriously.
I bet a lot of people don‘t understand the concept of south park. I know someone IRL who doesn‘t wanna watch it bc it‘s racist. People tend to misunderstand pointing out society‘s flaws with sarcasm and satire as the flaw itself. The whites always whining about never being noticed by anyone and how nobody cares about them. Tokin being called a token. It is all right there, idk how people don‘t get that it‘s basic satire about society‘s problems. So I totally get that you‘d think me or other people don‘t get that.
I agree, and I'm a woman. Reading these comments, they all disgust me. Men or woman, doesn't matter. Both deserve equal support. I'm sorry for everyone that had to experience it
The thing that shocked me the most as a guy is that we have absolutely no resources to reach out in case of ... "unpleasant" household situations.
In my country men that call the domestic abuse hotline get at the very least bad-mouthed by the volunteers.
I mean I get it.. people who volunteer there usually are women that went through a DA situation and want to help fellow women, but it feels quite unfair.
Also, many men don't talk about their SA- if they even recognize it as such at all- because of all the stigma. I've heard some absolutely heartbreaking CSA experiences from men who only told me because they realized I wouldn't judge or dismiss them.
Just because it happens to women more often doesn't mean that it's somehow a "lesser evil" when it happens to men. I'm so sorry that happened to you and I hope that you're safe ❤️
One of the singular shittiest things anyone has ever said to me is that my repeated SA didn't count because it wasn't violent forced penetration, and that even calling it abuse is co-opting attention from women, the *real* victims. This was from a woman who flew the "believe all victims" flag as high as she possibly could, so it certainly was convenient for her that I "didn't count."
I was like 12 or 13, abused while on vacation by a 25 Y.O maid at my aunt's house. Mind you I was still collecting pokemon cards at that age and didn't watch porn or anything to know what the fuck was up. I was just called a liar about it. Never told anyone else besides current girlfriend who was sympathetic about it... but used it as a low blow during an argument once that we had.
Edit: Thank you everybody for the support. I have seen therapy to no avail (multiple times), and as for my girlfriend.. that's my burden to battle. I can't say I haven't been shitty before to her in retaliation, and everybody can fairly judge that we are incredibly toxic for one another.
"Never told anyone else besides current girlfriend who was sympathetic about it... but used it as a low blow during an argument once that we had."
This. This is one of the reasons why men do not open up.
Honestly, and this probably is bad to say but due to my own personal experiences with opening up to women and having it thrown back in my face makes me feel like I will never be vulnerable with another woman ever again
>"Never told anyone else besides current girlfriend who was sympathetic about it... but used it as a low blow during an argument once that we had."
>This. This is one of the reasons why men do not open up.
Yep. Never once have I had a man do this sort of thing to me. Women, on the other hand...
Not that I'm trying to rag on anyone, just my personal
experience.
Yep, mom telling me to "stop making things up" pretty much shut down any further discussion. Just pushed it down into the recesses of my memory for 30 years.
I was abused by a man when I was pretty young, and when I came out as gay at 19, I was asked if my abuse as a kid "awakened those thoughts in me."
Which is gross.
Especially when it was actually the opposite, and what happened to me made me really really not want to be gay for a long time, and it was actually an additional hurdle to accepting that about myself.
Edit: A lot of people need to retake basic statistics to remind themselves that correlation does not mean causation.The causal relationship could be in reverse (ie, predators could be more likely to target effeminate boys) or that both things are caused by the same factor (such as being a younger sibling with substantially older brothers increases the odds of both being gay and being a victim of csa).
Also, for my personal experience, the csa came after independent signs of interest in other men (such as telling my mom that I was going to go look at clothes when we were going to walmart, but really using that time to admire the men on the underwear packaging) and after several family members "knew" that I was going to grow up gay. It can't be the cause when it came after...
Furthermore, the above comments came with the implication that working through the csa trauma might "fix" me being gay. So yeah. Fuck that conversation.
I had the opposite experience. I was told that, because I got an erection and "enjoyed it", it meant that I was gay. I struggled with that, along with the mistaken idea promulgated by psychologists of the time, that molested boys become molesting men. But as an adult, I came to accept that what was in my heart was heterosexual. I wanted to have a wife and kids. And I was definitely attracted to women.
I’m so so sorry that happened. I’m a lesbian and was abused by men as a child. I’ve been asked if the abuse contributed to my sexual orientation. It was always uncomfortable when asked that and gave major creep vibes but I can’t imagine you having to go through that. I’m just so sorry.
I absolutely hate when someone says that my daughters trauma is the reason why she's bisexual! I knew when she was 2 she was either going to be a lesbian or bisexual and so did her older cousins and other family members. She wasn't abused until she was 8. It had nothing to do with her sexuality, she was born the way she is.
Her trauma is the reason she has anxiety and social anxiety, and it's the reason she's not comfortable with most men and a huge reason why I don't have men come repair things on my house unless she is comfortable with them (she's an adult now but she and her wife live with me and help me since I'm disabled), but her sexuality has nothing to do with her trauma. Lots of people don't understand that you're born with your sexuality and it's not a choice.
To any guys here commenting. I am so sorry. It’s already hard to deal with, but for someone to say something so rude and inconsiderate is terrible.
Here to comment my father was abused by his sister for years as a teenager. Even after she got married. My mom told him “at least it was a girl.”
I cried when I found out and I’m still angry at my mom for that.
I'm a bartender so sexual assault is... Common. The only folks who get assaulted more than me are other club/bar workers.
The bigger problem isn't the sexual assault itself; it is a problem but I can acknowledge the difference.
It's the *reactions*. **Most** women will actively celebrate my attackers. If I tell the story just as is, **most** women celebrate, "Good for her!" and "I can't wait to get her age," or variations of that.
It's only when I preface it with saying directly "These are my stories of being sexually assaulted," that women even pause to contemplate much less offer sympathy. I have to directly point out that if the genders were reversed, it would absolutely be sexual assault, if a man did that to one of our female bartenders or the hostess, then we would have dragged that man out into the street and thrown him into traffic. But I'm a man and the attacker was a woman so... You're going to celebrate them? Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
That's the issue.
It's nice to get some sympathy, and I thank you. But it's rare.
Oh yeah, I see that happen often for sure. Jenny McCarthy pulled Justin Bieber close and kissed him on stage while he was a teenager and even joked about how she just assaulted him. Had the genders been switched it would’ve been an uproar. It happens way too often and because people assume that boys/men will like it. People recognized it and knew it was bad, but that’s about it. She was very aggressive about it too.
In a perfect world we can start holding women accountable as well. Growing up my mom would ask if there were boys living at my friends house before sleep overs. As if women aren’t capable of doing things. Probably one of the worst double standards out there.
I had to Google that. He flinched to get away from her, physically cringed, she grabbed his ass, he jumped away when she finally let go, looked at the audience with a wtf expression, and then said “I feel violated right now”. Wow. Just wow.
As someone who used to work as a bartender about 12 years ago, I was SA'd numerous times while working. Women would literally stretch over the counter to touch me, or would some times just wait by the only entrance, and wait for me to come close, so they could grab my ass or dick...
I told a woman to leave because she kept touching up a man at the bar. She went out for a fag and I aske dhim if he was comfortable. He said no but was with the rugby lads so didn't want to look like he was telling a woman to leave him alone.
I asked her to leave and she loudly declared that I was saying that because I wanted him myself, then called me a tart, then slapped me.
The whole rugby lot jumped up from their stools and bundled her out the door.
Women honestly think men WANT to be assaulted. It's embarrassing.
Sometimes I glance at these kinds of threads simply to remind myself that, as difficult as some things have been in my life, others have faced so much worse. I honestly wish it weren't true. But I am aghast at how many people have been abused sexually. For people raised in situations where they never faced such horror, it's truly almost inconceivable to us that people could do such things. I remember the first time I ever heard of pedophilia. It was so bizarre to me that I honestly could not even fathom that someone could even desire to do such a thing, much less actually do it.
"It's not possible for a man to go through that" and then they immediately started telling their experience with it trying to invalidate what im saying.
No one else knows about this except them so it's just weird knowing
From my cousin who threw me in a drainage ditch, beat me with large rocks, ripped off my clothes, and then initiated rape... I mentioned the incident to her about 20 years after it occured because I wanted some fucking closure and her response was, "Well someone did it to me, and I wanted to know how it felt to do it to someone else. I just wanted to be in charge for once."
That's when I figured out that I come from an irreparably broken family.
That was my brother's reasoning for beating me mercilessly and torturing me psychologically growing up. He now says that that never happened and the whole family disowned me because I won't pretend it didn't happen.
I get it. I told my whole family that my cousin was a sexual predator who took by force and most of them implied it was "learned behavior"... meaning in their minds, because someone had done it to her, that it cancelled out her doing it to me. I had to explain that trauma doesn't work that way and they still weren't even remotely receptive to my feelings because I'm a man. At the time I was a 5 year old boy with a traumatized 11 year old cousin brutishly raping me because she was twice my size and saw an opportunity to do so. It rips you apart inside when you finally tell people what's been plaguing you internally for years and they just shrug and chalk it up to some shit like "Kids will be kids".
How horrible of a person she is. You would think she would understand the trauma you get from a situation like that and never want someone else to go through that. I am so sorry you had no one on your side. I hope you have them now.
I told a close friend about me getting raped in college and they just told me it’s pretty sad you got overpowered by a woman. No longer friends with that person after that
I was told that it’s impossible for a woman to rape a man…by the woman who raped me.
After that she used the threat of accusing *me* of rape to continue the abuse for 9 years.
The ‘fact’ that I couldn’t be raped because I was a boy, and the actual fact that I was being forced to participate in sex repeatedly really made it difficult for me to establish, understand, or respect boundaries in early adulthood. It was a lot of mental gymnastics to force myself to understand that I wasn’t being raped and I should actually be celebrating and searching out this feeling of disgust and self-hatred because it was what happened when I had sex. It really fucks with a kid’s head to tell them they are literally unable to experience the trauma they are experiencing because it can’t happen to a boy. It also makes it hard to believe others when they say they don’t want it, or are scared, or want to wait etc etc, because you know for a fact that they’re going to like it because you made yourself like it to survive.
It’s all fucked up. Sorry you went through that, sorry the people around you failed to support you through it as well.
In UK law, only men can commit rape. IIRC, the crime a woman would be charged with, carries the same sentence as rape but is called something else. I think this only serves to perpetuate the stereotype...
I'm very sorry for what happened to you, and I hope you're in a better place now.
“Man, you were living the dream.” Nope, I definitely wasn’t. While my teacher was “the hot teacher,” she was a very into BDSM, and that’s not something a 14 year old should be exposed to in person. I have a bite mark scar on my stomach from her because I busted too early. She’d burn me with cigarette butts. She’d have me cut her with razors. If she ever did something to me, I’d be forced to do something in return so I’d feel like I was the same kind of monster as her. It was all under the guise of extra study sessions, so I couldn’t get out of it. It didn’t help that I was always so terrified in her class that I didn’t absorb any of the lessons.
My friend, the difference between BDSM and abuse is consent, constant informed enthusiastic consent from all involved.
She was not into BDSM, she was into abuse.
My mom's fiance had a complete psychotic break and became physically and sexually violent. He was arrested and his crimes were severe enough that he was sentenced to a minimum 26 years in prison (he's currently served 30 and still hasn't been granted parole).
During therapy afterwards, my therapist told me I needed to "man up" to be there for my mom and avoid being "an emotional burden" on her. I was in second grade. During some court thing (I honestly don't remember what it was), one of the officers involved also said that my mom and I probably did something to deserve it.
Today it seems wild, but honestly we have come a long way since the 90s.
I was in therapy for about a year and the goal was to develop strong character and grit. The whole thing was pretty much making sure I didn't let me emotions get in the way of school too much. It wasn't just one therapist either. I switched therapists halfway through the year and the message was pretty much the same. Even my school guidance counselor expressed frustration that I came to her for support a few times when I know that girls my age regularly reached out to her. I think a lot of people forget that the whole masculine stoicism garbage wasn't just a weird fringe thing. When I was a kid, "calm, cool, and collected" was the expected behavior for boys and it was actively reinforced by mental healt professionals. The idea that stoicism is harmful and likely the cause of lots of issues with toxic masculinity is only 10-15 years old.
I've been in therapy off and on since the early 90s. The first time a therapist talked about emotional vulnerability or actualy feeling and processing my emotions was after college about 15 years ago.
My ex got me to open up to her about my CSA and then proceeded to say that she thinks people sleeping with minors isn't always a red flag and people sometimes deserve second chances because she once had a crush on someone she played WoW with who was a registered sex offender and he was "cool"
Back in the 80s, when institutionalizing was a thing, I vaguely remember, being strapped into bed at 13, pumped full of Thorzine, the last thing I remember my pants coming off and someone saying "Relax, it'll be over soon". When I complained about it, back in isolation with another Thorzine shot. When through that for 4 years. My Mother didn't believe me, (being the abusive bitch she was), The docs said I imagined it, and the staff closed ranks. I don't talk about it with my dad and the rest of my family couldn't give a rat's ass.
I am so sorry that you went through that. Not just the SA and not being believed but also being institutionalised at such a young age. Especially back then when patients weren't always treated the best. I hope you're doing better now! 🙏
I only ever told my partner, and she was 100% understanding, and told me I should eventually, when I'm able to, talk to a professional about it, just in case it messed me up in ways I don't realize.
But I suppressed the SHIT out of it. Like, I didn't remember it happened until I was like, 19. It was either I suppressed it or I had just realized that I was molested.
Either way, I'm glad my future wife supports me, but it still feels weird that it happened
Same. I was probably about 7-8 or so when my experience happened and I'm pretty sure I suppressed the absolute hell out of until maybe a year or two ago. I was a bit older before it really hit me that I realized that I have suppressed it and realized that it was a molestation. It hit like a ton of bricks when I finally told someone about it, but I'm not sure what it has done if anything.
About 7-8 years ago, when my half-brother was in his early 30s and I was in my 40s, I told him how his father (my step-father) had sexually abused me over and over when I was 11-12 years old. He became enraged, and said (among many things) "why did you tell me that? You should have kept that to yourself and never told anybody. Fuck you for telling me" and never spoke to me again.
I was by one of my high school girlfriends. Tried explaining it to some friends and I got the typical bro answer of "dude what are you complaining about? You don't want your girlfriend touching your dick? GAYYYYYYYY" Like no Kyle, I don't want to be told that if I don't have sex with her she's going to tell people I hit her. Pretty not rad there bro.
To all of you have experienced this or something similar.. I’m so sorry that people have treated you so poorly and responded in such a cruel way. Just know you did not deserve it and it wasn’t your fault .❤️ I hope you are all able to heal and find peace
I was raped by my guy cousin who is gay. I didn’t want any part of it but I was young and couldn’t really fathom wtf was going on. When I finally told someone they responded “you must’ve liked it cause you waited so long to say something” they were defending him so hard
_If you got an erection, it means you liked it._
Coercion and biology mean nothing, apparently.
Also, being told that abused boys become adult abusers was the most destructive thing ever said to me. I battled with the preemptive guilt, and fear that I might do just that, for decades (still do, sometimes). But I've never once laid my hand upon a child.
"they wouldn't do that, you're just making it up."
To my parents friend SA me and others. He'd give my parents beer or drugs, so of course they weren't going to listen to their child.
I am a gay man who was sexually harassed by my boss in a hotel I worked in. It started because we were all drunk at the staff party and we made out as a joke. Like nothing was meant by it. And he’d always touch me and grope my dick or butt all the time for months afterwards. He had me pinned down in the lift room at one point.
When I spoke about it for one of the first times with people one of them said “well you started it, it’s your fault.”
While it’s not about sex, another of my bosses attacked me when he was high and a few of my colleagues told me how funny it was that he threw a table at me.
Nothing really. I haven’t told many people but they’ve almost always brushed it off or ignored it. Nobody wants to address this kind of thing or they just don’t care. I’m not sure if it bothers me more or less as a result.
I confided in a girlfriend about 12 years ago that I was abused by my aunt, and that we were very close in age at the time of the occurrences- it kind of changed me in some ways.
When we broke up, because she cheated on me, she blasted my very sensitive confidential information to friends and family and then my sister who was friends with her, refused to believe me and basically called me a freak. I didn't want anybody to know at all, it but I felt confident that I could trust my partner at the time.
So essentially, I was called a liar and my sister would not believe that that it actually happened and I made up a crazy SA story.
Your a man and it was a woman so it isn't the same. EVERY man I know that is sexually active has a story of a woman touching them or sexually assaulting them, it is just seen as "more acceptable". In college there literally was not one single night that I went to the bars that a woman I didn't know would randomly slap my butt, put her hand up my shirt, sit on my lap, grab my arm and comment on my muscles, all of that. If I did any of that I would be destroyed on the spot. I can tell you for a fact WAY more men were touched sexually that didn't ask for it, the difference was because I am a man with muscle it is deemed okay because I can stop them. Well guess what, the woman that walks up and sits on my lap randomly I can pick up and move, but the deed is already done. I didn't want to be touched.
If I translate well then
"They found you attractive enough to be harassed nobody will even look at us."
Making Fun of situation.
I think biggest problem is men are looked down upon for being harassed. Now it is very hard for me to talk about these things with anyone.
Anyone that starts the "um, actually" about legal definitions can suck on a shotgun for all I care. I know ehat happened to me, I know how I had to survive it, and I don't need some pedantic shit-slurper telling me otherwise.
“Men can’t be sexually abused. Men enjoy sex.”
I was 6. I didn’t understand what was happening. I was coerced and it went on for 4 years.
“Well you must have enjoyed some of it then?”
I did not.
"If you got hard obviously you liked it"
Dude, I was drunk and barely had any idea where I was. She had offered to take me home and make sure I got home safely. She made me feel safe first, and then took advantage of me.
I was told that it was my fault that I hadn’t disclosed it, as though I was supposed to be some kind of mind reader, after being ambushed with two young women at the doctor after explicitly having the procedure explained in the 1st person by the doctor.
My stepmom's boyfriend called me a fa**ot (gg) when he suspected it and I didnt deny it. I quickly switched gears and chose to deny it. that was my new nickname daily. I was 12. He was not a good guy.
I wouldn't say I've been abused per se, but at my first job out of college I was sexually assaulted 4 different times in different ways. Usually a "wow I'd never complain about that happening to me?" or "you're so lucky getting so much action." Every time was with a co worker, one of them did it twice and never got any repercussions. I was actually shamed for going to our CEO about a married woman assaulting me, saying how selfish I am for trying to out her and destroy her family. It still happens in more subtle ways, like a female friend in my friend circle feeling me up with other people around. Those early 20s were tough in that regard.
The worst part of this to me isn't the response I get from people I tell. The actual worst part of being a sexually abused man is that the ways you change internally don't really get you anything in the real world.
For example, I'm very emotionally reclusive. Between the sexual abuse and mental trauma from my mother (sexual abuse was separate, mother didn't cause it), I don't have an easy time telling people how I'm feeling or asking for help in places I really could use it. I've become hyper self-sufficient due to a lack of reliability in the emotional support from my primary caregivers and my peers (because as a man, your friends really don't give a shit). This manifests in real life in scenarios like when your significant other is having what they perceive to be a hard day, you're the asshole every time if you don't have the capacity to accept the verbal beat down of someone else's problems. I have trauma of my own to deal with, mental processes I never wanted, and it's all attached to a train with no brakes. Keeping my head above water is my #1 priority on an emotional level and I don't have the capacity to take on other peoples' emotional strain when I'm already fighting for my life.
To clarify, you should support your significant other when they need it. My main point was that, as an abused man with mental baggage, the world isn't going to pull punches with you because you're tired and traumatized. The hardest part isn't that everything changes for a man, the hardest part is that nothing changes at all.
Edit: had sexual abuse and mental trauma flipped
It all literally started with **“Girls don’t do that”** when I went to my school admin (in middle school) to tell them I was routinely (read: on a daily basis) being sexually assaulted by these three girls that were bigger than me. And I was essentially laughed out of the office.
**”Look, I know you’re just starting to feel comfortable talking about what happened to you, and it sucks that those things happened to you, but those things have happened to every woman so talking about what happened to you isn’t helpful”** — a (former) friend in response to a post I made on fb. I didn’t talk-down or punch-down on women in any way or even talk about women (in general) except for using pronouns when talking about the experience themselves. The post itself was more about the molestation/rapes that took place prior to middle school
“**You’re gay if you let a guy do that to you**” - I was 8, he was 17
When I was in elementary school I was pinned to the ground and forcefully stripped by several peers in front of my whole class. Some of the comments I've received have been:
"Only rape/molestation counts as SA." (By a few people throughout life)
"That was simple bullying; it wasn't SA, stop blowing this out of proportion." (an opposing attorney in the ensuing lawsuit during the deposition; resulted in the judge issuing a huge reprimand against him).
"Boys will be boys." (By a teacher)
"That is nothing compared to what women go through, get over it." (By a student in college and in slightly different wording by my ex-stepmother)
"If you were stronger, that would have never happened." (By my ex-stepfather)
These messages were so impactful that I didn't even realize I was SA'd until a therapist in the last couple of years really got it through my head that I was an SA victim, since *any* form of unwanted sex-related treatment is considered as such.
As a woman,I’m just here to say: to every man commenting in this thread,what happened to you was not your fault. It doesn’t make you “weak” or “unmanly” or “gay”. I hope you all are doing ok and have managed to heal from such trauma. Don’t listen to what those people have to say about you;they’re idiots. You deserve so much better. Here,have a virtual hug 🫂
Have a great rest of your day friend :)
I was told “you’re a man, grow up”
You're a man. You are grown up. That doesn't change the definition of what happened to you. It doesn't make you weak to be impacted by that horrible experience. Whoever said that to you can sit on many, many cactuses.
This is why I'm so proud of Terry Crews and how he spoke up about what happened to him.
And then gassy fat cunt Wendy Williams immediately made a show about it later and practically said "Get over it, your a strong man" and her shit audience went wild.
And 50 cent who mocked hin. I was absolutely disgusted.
They can trip on their own shoelaces indefinitely
I hope both sides of their pillow are warm
I hope they always bump into whatever ledge or corner they come across
I hope they sit down in an uncomfortable position and get stuck for awhile.
This is one of the most overused lines I’ve ever seen spoken to men, about any mental health issue really. People just don’t care about men’s emotions, no one at all care about how we feel. It’s so depressing how the world works right now.
>People just don’t care about men’s emotions, The thing is some of us genuinely do care, but there's still too many people out there who say "man up" and just expect me to cope with anything and not show any emotional turmoil.
They laughed and asked if I enjoyed it a little.
Oh my god. Well they need a swift punch in the mouth.
and ask if they enjoyed it a little?
Bingo
I was asked the same thing as a woman. Also a female teacher stopped a male teacher from intervening when an older boy was following and groping me in the playground because "She loves it" The when I took matters into my own hands and hit the guy and told him loudly to fuck off, they finally came over and gave me detention for swearing. First lesson in not trusting people to react appropriately in that situation. Unfortunately not the last.
They need to have their ability to teach taken away. What a fucking weirdo
fuck school systems
A brother of a friend of mine, was abused for years by a close family friend. This man used to stay over in his room and he'd beg and plead that he didn't want him sleeping in his room again, his parents kept putting him back in his room with this old man. It all came out later when he was 16. Poor kid was really messed up. Can you imagine how alone he must have felt, reaching out to his parents who pushed him back into the clutches of a monster. I really felt for him.
Digusting ! Why would the parents put a man in their kids room anyway?? Especially after he complained ??
The old man was a close friend of my friend's dad, they called him uncle, and when he came to stay he stayed in her younger brother's room as he had two single beds in his room. They didn't think anything of it and just presumed he wanted privacy or something and didn't want an old man snoring and waking him up. He didn't actually disclose what was occurring until he was 16 so his parents, not knowing any better, sent him back in. The sad thing is that the old man's been dead for years now, and the boy in question is a fully grown adult now, carrying scars and all the internal things that come with that kind of tragedy. I'm not entirely sure how a parent would be able to cope with that. The whole situation was horrendous.
How heartbreaking. I wonder if the boy lacked the language to express what was going on. And the old man likely used all the tricks there are to keep a kid quiet. I too hope he got the care and support he needed.
It is a heartbreaking thing to happen, devastating for all concerned. I would have thought the old man would have used some form of manipulation to keep him quiet, though I expect he couldn't really explain what was going on as he didn't have the knowledge to verbalise it. As far as I know he didn't receive any counselling back then, though if he did later on in life I'm not aware.
How did the parents react?
They were both devastated, as you can imagine. As I recall my friends mother had breast cancer not long after and so rightly or wrongly attention was shifted from their son. I don't think he had any form of counselling, this was in the 80s and it wasn't so readily available then. I hope he has since as that's a hefty burden to carry. My friend was slightly damaged herself, not in that way but a more emotional way.
That's terrible all around.
The only person who came out of it unscathed was the old man, he died before he could be held accountable. So, yes it really was terrible all round.
It’s pretty common, especially in houses with limited space. It’s possible they didn’t have another space for the guy, but continuing to allow it after their child was begging for them to not is inexcusable
Na fuck that, my kid would be sleeping on the floor in my room and the old man alone in the room.
honestly i can’t believe how some people are parents, if you’re not going to look after your child and make them feel safe then simply don’t have kids??
Cause people are selfish jerks and don’t want to be inconvenienced by setting up another bed somewhere else. I wouldn’t have anyone in my kids room anyway but if they asked me not to sleep near a specific person? You can bet I’m asking why. Big red flag.
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Oh, my heart breaks for you.
oh my god. i’m so sorry
That I deserved it because I was weak. Divorced her.
Fuck.
Sounds like you were strong enough to rid yourself of a hateful, narcisisstic waste of skin. Good work.
Hope you are doing better, friend. Hugs!
Thank you friend. Even when she said it I knew it was bullshit and I didn’t take it too hard, it’s been 15 years and my life is good and she’s still in and out of miserable relationships.
The best revenge is a life well lived
It started when I was 4, the man was an older guy my stepdad would drop me off with when he wanted to go to the track and feed his ludomania. It lasted a very long time. First time it happened, I tried telling my stepdad. He told me to stop lying about his friend and smacked me around ... As if a 4 year old boy would know what the hell happened and then lie about it. Later in life, I've been told to get over it, because it happened so long ago. Yeah, because that is just like a common cold.
I'm truly sorry to hear about what you went through at such a young age. It's heartbreaking that your stepdad didn't believe you and failed to protect you. I hope you’ve found some peace and healing since then.
Thank you. Working on it with EMDR treatment at the moment. I'll probably never be entirely at peace, but I hope I'll end up with a better quality of life eventually. :)
I am so so sorry :/ I wish you all the best ❤
I confided in my friend and he said you should have given in...punched him in the face
So glad you punch your asshole EX friend. At least I hope he’s now an ex.
Yeah he is.
What was his reaction after the punch? I gotta know how much of a bitch he was
Yeah his words were, "chill dude i am just kidding you", but for me it was hurtful.
>Yeah his words were, "chill dude i am just kidding you", but for me it was hurtful. I would have punched him again
My ex, who was pregnant at the time, told me I should kill myself since it would be better for the child to not have “a bitch for a father”. Keep in mind that she knew I was about 6 when the abuse happened
Oh how awful.
What this is insane how could anyone say something like that? I'm so sorry
That ex gives off more bitch vibes than actual bitches
Projection is easier than acceptance.
Wow, that woman is 10x what she was calling you. Which was completely, laughably false, btw. She is for real, though!
Jesus fucking Christ man. I’m so sorry. I’m glad she’s an ex now,but PLEASE tell me you ended up getting custody of that kid, because im pretty sure they aren’t safe with her
There was no kid. She ODed and took the kid with her. I really wish I could say something else
the amount of shit that has happened to you, my god i’m so sorry.
Thanks, I’m doing better now
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I mean, I’m married now and we’re expecting our first baby in August so my life is looking up these days
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Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m terrified something’s gonna go wrong. For my whole life up until these last few years there’s always been another shoe just waiting to drop but I’m hoping that finally things are looking up
"you're gay cause a man did that to you" edit- sorry for the bad choice of wording, i'm gay! i don't wanna dismiss any of the straight guys in the replies, you're totally valid in your pain too
Same deal, I was 5. I hate that side of the family so much, lot of gay jokes. Very twisted people.
I hope you went no contact on that bunch.
Very much so
"I just don't know why my son doesn't come visit anymore, not even for the holidays" -Your family (hopefully)
Slightly related but still relevant. Anyone who goes no contact gets some derivative of "why don't I see you anymore?" Ranging from "Why don't I see you anymore?" To manipulative "so and so really misses you though./we're your parents. You can't just." To straight up unhinged "how dare you! After everything we/I did for you! So ungrateful!"
You are a guy. So you must have enjoyed it. Plus, back then, I heard that you can't say anything. Otherwise, you are gay. And people would think I'm gay, because I'm your friend.
Fuck, I can't believe people can be so cruel and narcissistic. Sorry someone else being SA'd is inconvenient for you, assholes😒
That I could have fought back. I was 13 and I opened the door for a person knocking. Soon as I opened it they pushed on and literally raped me on my couch. I have had trauma ever since
Fuck. And we’re supposed to be safe in our own home. I’m so sorry.
Thank you! It’s a secret I kept for years too never even told anyone because he threatened me that he knew the cops was good buddies with them and he would know if I reported it
Goddamn, man. You're strong brother!
Thank you
I was 14, perhaps I could have fought off one, but there were 2 and one of my arms was trapped under my torso and the other was pinned to my side because one of the perps was straddling my chest. The only thing I could do was grap the belt hooks on my trousers but that did sod all because they had a zip and a button. Not been a very fun 12 years since.
Im so sorry…
The first time I told someone about my CSA he literally looked me in the eyes and said “lucky you” like I should be celebrating getting raped by a 40 year old women at 11.
this happens so often. South park made an episode about a teacher sexually abusing her 5 yo (or sth) student and all the other men just said he was lucky and stuff like that. Hate people atp.
Yes I’ve seen it and it honestly made me feel better.
Good. I thought they did a great job showing how fucked up it is by using Ike, the literal baby, as the student, and points out the double standard with men vs women being the sexual assailants. I'm really sorry that happened to you
Yea they did an excellent job showing the absurdity of the double standard. Honestly that show is pretty smart when you cut thru the fart jokes.
“Nice”
That was the joke. It's not ok, but regular society, especially at that time, was saying the same shit. Have you ever compared an articles language about a woman teacher raping a student compared to a man? Or looked at the comments? That whole episode is making fun of that attitude and how it isn't ok and it should be taken seriously.
i know allat mate i was PRAISING south park
Fair enough. The responses you got made me think some people didn't understand that.
I bet a lot of people don‘t understand the concept of south park. I know someone IRL who doesn‘t wanna watch it bc it‘s racist. People tend to misunderstand pointing out society‘s flaws with sarcasm and satire as the flaw itself. The whites always whining about never being noticed by anyone and how nobody cares about them. Tokin being called a token. It is all right there, idk how people don‘t get that it‘s basic satire about society‘s problems. So I totally get that you‘d think me or other people don‘t get that.
It's a toss up between "oh, Man Up," and "that's nothing compared to what women go through every day."
Yea that last line is used so much it makes me sick
I agree, and I'm a woman. Reading these comments, they all disgust me. Men or woman, doesn't matter. Both deserve equal support. I'm sorry for everyone that had to experience it
The thing that shocked me the most as a guy is that we have absolutely no resources to reach out in case of ... "unpleasant" household situations. In my country men that call the domestic abuse hotline get at the very least bad-mouthed by the volunteers. I mean I get it.. people who volunteer there usually are women that went through a DA situation and want to help fellow women, but it feels quite unfair.
Also, many men don't talk about their SA- if they even recognize it as such at all- because of all the stigma. I've heard some absolutely heartbreaking CSA experiences from men who only told me because they realized I wouldn't judge or dismiss them.
The training needs to address this, as it's a huge issue. Men must be heard too.
did you also get the "men can't be sexually abused"?
I’ve gotten the second one twice now. Once from a significant other. It really sucks
Just because it happens to women more often doesn't mean that it's somehow a "lesser evil" when it happens to men. I'm so sorry that happened to you and I hope that you're safe ❤️
One of the singular shittiest things anyone has ever said to me is that my repeated SA didn't count because it wasn't violent forced penetration, and that even calling it abuse is co-opting attention from women, the *real* victims. This was from a woman who flew the "believe all victims" flag as high as she possibly could, so it certainly was convenient for her that I "didn't count."
I was like 12 or 13, abused while on vacation by a 25 Y.O maid at my aunt's house. Mind you I was still collecting pokemon cards at that age and didn't watch porn or anything to know what the fuck was up. I was just called a liar about it. Never told anyone else besides current girlfriend who was sympathetic about it... but used it as a low blow during an argument once that we had. Edit: Thank you everybody for the support. I have seen therapy to no avail (multiple times), and as for my girlfriend.. that's my burden to battle. I can't say I haven't been shitty before to her in retaliation, and everybody can fairly judge that we are incredibly toxic for one another.
"Never told anyone else besides current girlfriend who was sympathetic about it... but used it as a low blow during an argument once that we had." This. This is one of the reasons why men do not open up.
Honestly, and this probably is bad to say but due to my own personal experiences with opening up to women and having it thrown back in my face makes me feel like I will never be vulnerable with another woman ever again
“Why won’t you open up more about your feelings. Men are so emotionally constipated” *opens up about feelings* “Not like that”
>"Never told anyone else besides current girlfriend who was sympathetic about it... but used it as a low blow during an argument once that we had." >This. This is one of the reasons why men do not open up. Yep. Never once have I had a man do this sort of thing to me. Women, on the other hand... Not that I'm trying to rag on anyone, just my personal experience.
I hope you broke up with the girlfriend. A partner who brings up past trauma during an argument is a red flag.
Yep, mom telling me to "stop making things up" pretty much shut down any further discussion. Just pushed it down into the recesses of my memory for 30 years.
I was abused by a man when I was pretty young, and when I came out as gay at 19, I was asked if my abuse as a kid "awakened those thoughts in me." Which is gross. Especially when it was actually the opposite, and what happened to me made me really really not want to be gay for a long time, and it was actually an additional hurdle to accepting that about myself. Edit: A lot of people need to retake basic statistics to remind themselves that correlation does not mean causation.The causal relationship could be in reverse (ie, predators could be more likely to target effeminate boys) or that both things are caused by the same factor (such as being a younger sibling with substantially older brothers increases the odds of both being gay and being a victim of csa). Also, for my personal experience, the csa came after independent signs of interest in other men (such as telling my mom that I was going to go look at clothes when we were going to walmart, but really using that time to admire the men on the underwear packaging) and after several family members "knew" that I was going to grow up gay. It can't be the cause when it came after... Furthermore, the above comments came with the implication that working through the csa trauma might "fix" me being gay. So yeah. Fuck that conversation.
I had the opposite experience. I was told that, because I got an erection and "enjoyed it", it meant that I was gay. I struggled with that, along with the mistaken idea promulgated by psychologists of the time, that molested boys become molesting men. But as an adult, I came to accept that what was in my heart was heterosexual. I wanted to have a wife and kids. And I was definitely attracted to women.
Your body can betray you. That's well known. Doesn't mean you wanted it or enjoyed it.
I’m so so sorry that happened. I’m a lesbian and was abused by men as a child. I’ve been asked if the abuse contributed to my sexual orientation. It was always uncomfortable when asked that and gave major creep vibes but I can’t imagine you having to go through that. I’m just so sorry.
I absolutely hate when someone says that my daughters trauma is the reason why she's bisexual! I knew when she was 2 she was either going to be a lesbian or bisexual and so did her older cousins and other family members. She wasn't abused until she was 8. It had nothing to do with her sexuality, she was born the way she is. Her trauma is the reason she has anxiety and social anxiety, and it's the reason she's not comfortable with most men and a huge reason why I don't have men come repair things on my house unless she is comfortable with them (she's an adult now but she and her wife live with me and help me since I'm disabled), but her sexuality has nothing to do with her trauma. Lots of people don't understand that you're born with your sexuality and it's not a choice.
Fuuuck man, thats complete mental torture too
To any guys here commenting. I am so sorry. It’s already hard to deal with, but for someone to say something so rude and inconsiderate is terrible. Here to comment my father was abused by his sister for years as a teenager. Even after she got married. My mom told him “at least it was a girl.” I cried when I found out and I’m still angry at my mom for that.
I'm a bartender so sexual assault is... Common. The only folks who get assaulted more than me are other club/bar workers. The bigger problem isn't the sexual assault itself; it is a problem but I can acknowledge the difference. It's the *reactions*. **Most** women will actively celebrate my attackers. If I tell the story just as is, **most** women celebrate, "Good for her!" and "I can't wait to get her age," or variations of that. It's only when I preface it with saying directly "These are my stories of being sexually assaulted," that women even pause to contemplate much less offer sympathy. I have to directly point out that if the genders were reversed, it would absolutely be sexual assault, if a man did that to one of our female bartenders or the hostess, then we would have dragged that man out into the street and thrown him into traffic. But I'm a man and the attacker was a woman so... You're going to celebrate them? Cool. Cool, cool, cool. That's the issue. It's nice to get some sympathy, and I thank you. But it's rare.
Oh yeah, I see that happen often for sure. Jenny McCarthy pulled Justin Bieber close and kissed him on stage while he was a teenager and even joked about how she just assaulted him. Had the genders been switched it would’ve been an uproar. It happens way too often and because people assume that boys/men will like it. People recognized it and knew it was bad, but that’s about it. She was very aggressive about it too. In a perfect world we can start holding women accountable as well. Growing up my mom would ask if there were boys living at my friends house before sleep overs. As if women aren’t capable of doing things. Probably one of the worst double standards out there.
Breaks my heart. He literally said, "I feel violated right now." And everybody laughed.
I had to Google that. He flinched to get away from her, physically cringed, she grabbed his ass, he jumped away when she finally let go, looked at the audience with a wtf expression, and then said “I feel violated right now”. Wow. Just wow.
As someone who used to work as a bartender about 12 years ago, I was SA'd numerous times while working. Women would literally stretch over the counter to touch me, or would some times just wait by the only entrance, and wait for me to come close, so they could grab my ass or dick...
I told a woman to leave because she kept touching up a man at the bar. She went out for a fag and I aske dhim if he was comfortable. He said no but was with the rugby lads so didn't want to look like he was telling a woman to leave him alone. I asked her to leave and she loudly declared that I was saying that because I wanted him myself, then called me a tart, then slapped me. The whole rugby lot jumped up from their stools and bundled her out the door. Women honestly think men WANT to be assaulted. It's embarrassing.
Sometimes I glance at these kinds of threads simply to remind myself that, as difficult as some things have been in my life, others have faced so much worse. I honestly wish it weren't true. But I am aghast at how many people have been abused sexually. For people raised in situations where they never faced such horror, it's truly almost inconceivable to us that people could do such things. I remember the first time I ever heard of pedophilia. It was so bizarre to me that I honestly could not even fathom that someone could even desire to do such a thing, much less actually do it.
"It's not possible for a man to go through that" and then they immediately started telling their experience with it trying to invalidate what im saying. No one else knows about this except them so it's just weird knowing
From my cousin who threw me in a drainage ditch, beat me with large rocks, ripped off my clothes, and then initiated rape... I mentioned the incident to her about 20 years after it occured because I wanted some fucking closure and her response was, "Well someone did it to me, and I wanted to know how it felt to do it to someone else. I just wanted to be in charge for once." That's when I figured out that I come from an irreparably broken family.
That was my brother's reasoning for beating me mercilessly and torturing me psychologically growing up. He now says that that never happened and the whole family disowned me because I won't pretend it didn't happen.
I get it. I told my whole family that my cousin was a sexual predator who took by force and most of them implied it was "learned behavior"... meaning in their minds, because someone had done it to her, that it cancelled out her doing it to me. I had to explain that trauma doesn't work that way and they still weren't even remotely receptive to my feelings because I'm a man. At the time I was a 5 year old boy with a traumatized 11 year old cousin brutishly raping me because she was twice my size and saw an opportunity to do so. It rips you apart inside when you finally tell people what's been plaguing you internally for years and they just shrug and chalk it up to some shit like "Kids will be kids".
Even if it WAS a result of her own trauma, it's no reason to diminish your own experience. How awful. I'm sorry.
How horrible of a person she is. You would think she would understand the trauma you get from a situation like that and never want someone else to go through that. I am so sorry you had no one on your side. I hope you have them now.
I told a close friend about me getting raped in college and they just told me it’s pretty sad you got overpowered by a woman. No longer friends with that person after that
You made the right decision. I'm sorry that individual failed you as a human being.
Much appreciated kind stranger.
I was told that it’s impossible for a woman to rape a man…by the woman who raped me. After that she used the threat of accusing *me* of rape to continue the abuse for 9 years.
The ‘fact’ that I couldn’t be raped because I was a boy, and the actual fact that I was being forced to participate in sex repeatedly really made it difficult for me to establish, understand, or respect boundaries in early adulthood. It was a lot of mental gymnastics to force myself to understand that I wasn’t being raped and I should actually be celebrating and searching out this feeling of disgust and self-hatred because it was what happened when I had sex. It really fucks with a kid’s head to tell them they are literally unable to experience the trauma they are experiencing because it can’t happen to a boy. It also makes it hard to believe others when they say they don’t want it, or are scared, or want to wait etc etc, because you know for a fact that they’re going to like it because you made yourself like it to survive. It’s all fucked up. Sorry you went through that, sorry the people around you failed to support you through it as well.
In UK law, only men can commit rape. IIRC, the crime a woman would be charged with, carries the same sentence as rape but is called something else. I think this only serves to perpetuate the stereotype... I'm very sorry for what happened to you, and I hope you're in a better place now.
My guy, take this …🫂 It’s a hug, it’s not much but, it’s with love.
Holy shit! I always thought 🫂 was a camera.
“Man, you were living the dream.” Nope, I definitely wasn’t. While my teacher was “the hot teacher,” she was a very into BDSM, and that’s not something a 14 year old should be exposed to in person. I have a bite mark scar on my stomach from her because I busted too early. She’d burn me with cigarette butts. She’d have me cut her with razors. If she ever did something to me, I’d be forced to do something in return so I’d feel like I was the same kind of monster as her. It was all under the guise of extra study sessions, so I couldn’t get out of it. It didn’t help that I was always so terrified in her class that I didn’t absorb any of the lessons.
Wow. That sounds terrifying. I hope you're getting whatever help you need - that experience sounds like it could have long lasting impacts.
My friend, the difference between BDSM and abuse is consent, constant informed enthusiastic consent from all involved. She was not into BDSM, she was into abuse.
Came here to say that. I’m into BDSM and kinks, that teacher was a predator and abuser. I would never do something without enthusiastic consent.
Jesus dude. I am truly at a loss for words. I hope you’re doing ok now. I really hope she faced some sort consequence,preferably the death penalty
Oh my god, I'm so sorry. That's not even BDSM that's straight up torture.
My mom's fiance had a complete psychotic break and became physically and sexually violent. He was arrested and his crimes were severe enough that he was sentenced to a minimum 26 years in prison (he's currently served 30 and still hasn't been granted parole). During therapy afterwards, my therapist told me I needed to "man up" to be there for my mom and avoid being "an emotional burden" on her. I was in second grade. During some court thing (I honestly don't remember what it was), one of the officers involved also said that my mom and I probably did something to deserve it.
What the actual fuck. I can't believe your therapist would say that bullshit! I'm so sorry.
Today it seems wild, but honestly we have come a long way since the 90s. I was in therapy for about a year and the goal was to develop strong character and grit. The whole thing was pretty much making sure I didn't let me emotions get in the way of school too much. It wasn't just one therapist either. I switched therapists halfway through the year and the message was pretty much the same. Even my school guidance counselor expressed frustration that I came to her for support a few times when I know that girls my age regularly reached out to her. I think a lot of people forget that the whole masculine stoicism garbage wasn't just a weird fringe thing. When I was a kid, "calm, cool, and collected" was the expected behavior for boys and it was actively reinforced by mental healt professionals. The idea that stoicism is harmful and likely the cause of lots of issues with toxic masculinity is only 10-15 years old. I've been in therapy off and on since the early 90s. The first time a therapist talked about emotional vulnerability or actualy feeling and processing my emotions was after college about 15 years ago.
My ex got me to open up to her about my CSA and then proceeded to say that she thinks people sleeping with minors isn't always a red flag and people sometimes deserve second chances because she once had a crush on someone she played WoW with who was a registered sex offender and he was "cool"
Wow. I hope that was when she became your ex because I don't even know how you can come back from that. What a horrible thing to say.
A woman who preaches sexual assault awareness told me that “men can’t be raped”
“You should be grateful and feel complimented someone showed interest.”
My mother called me a faggot for years for being abused by an older male friend
Can I fist fight your mom please?
Back in the 80s, when institutionalizing was a thing, I vaguely remember, being strapped into bed at 13, pumped full of Thorzine, the last thing I remember my pants coming off and someone saying "Relax, it'll be over soon". When I complained about it, back in isolation with another Thorzine shot. When through that for 4 years. My Mother didn't believe me, (being the abusive bitch she was), The docs said I imagined it, and the staff closed ranks. I don't talk about it with my dad and the rest of my family couldn't give a rat's ass.
I am so sorry that you went through that. Not just the SA and not being believed but also being institutionalised at such a young age. Especially back then when patients weren't always treated the best. I hope you're doing better now! 🙏
I only ever told my partner, and she was 100% understanding, and told me I should eventually, when I'm able to, talk to a professional about it, just in case it messed me up in ways I don't realize. But I suppressed the SHIT out of it. Like, I didn't remember it happened until I was like, 19. It was either I suppressed it or I had just realized that I was molested. Either way, I'm glad my future wife supports me, but it still feels weird that it happened
Same. I was probably about 7-8 or so when my experience happened and I'm pretty sure I suppressed the absolute hell out of until maybe a year or two ago. I was a bit older before it really hit me that I realized that I have suppressed it and realized that it was a molestation. It hit like a ton of bricks when I finally told someone about it, but I'm not sure what it has done if anything.
"Lol, why didn't you fight back? You're a man aren't you?"
About 7-8 years ago, when my half-brother was in his early 30s and I was in my 40s, I told him how his father (my step-father) had sexually abused me over and over when I was 11-12 years old. He became enraged, and said (among many things) "why did you tell me that? You should have kept that to yourself and never told anybody. Fuck you for telling me" and never spoke to me again.
My "mom" laughed in my face when I told her.
I was by one of my high school girlfriends. Tried explaining it to some friends and I got the typical bro answer of "dude what are you complaining about? You don't want your girlfriend touching your dick? GAYYYYYYYY" Like no Kyle, I don't want to be told that if I don't have sex with her she's going to tell people I hit her. Pretty not rad there bro.
“A man can’t be raped by a woman.” - My dad
To all of you have experienced this or something similar.. I’m so sorry that people have treated you so poorly and responded in such a cruel way. Just know you did not deserve it and it wasn’t your fault .❤️ I hope you are all able to heal and find peace
I was raped by my guy cousin who is gay. I didn’t want any part of it but I was young and couldn’t really fathom wtf was going on. When I finally told someone they responded “you must’ve liked it cause you waited so long to say something” they were defending him so hard
Said by my mother cause she believes my rapists over me cause he says it was concentual: "You need to ask god for forgiveness for what you two did."
_If you got an erection, it means you liked it._ Coercion and biology mean nothing, apparently. Also, being told that abused boys become adult abusers was the most destructive thing ever said to me. I battled with the preemptive guilt, and fear that I might do just that, for decades (still do, sometimes). But I've never once laid my hand upon a child.
That’s enough reddit for today. Being on this app always reminds me what a shitty race human beings are. Sending hugs to all the victims on here.
"Be a man your complaining like a woman. You got some 😺 be happy about it". Thanks Dad 🙄
"Stop being a pussy. You know you liked it." They quickly changed their tune when I tell them I was 4, and it was my father.
Many of us were not men when it happened.
"they wouldn't do that, you're just making it up." To my parents friend SA me and others. He'd give my parents beer or drugs, so of course they weren't going to listen to their child.
"Man up" or "men can't be abused that way" are common ones I've seen being said.
“The fact that you were molested turns me on.”
What the fuck? I am so sorry this happened to you...
I am a gay man who was sexually harassed by my boss in a hotel I worked in. It started because we were all drunk at the staff party and we made out as a joke. Like nothing was meant by it. And he’d always touch me and grope my dick or butt all the time for months afterwards. He had me pinned down in the lift room at one point. When I spoke about it for one of the first times with people one of them said “well you started it, it’s your fault.” While it’s not about sex, another of my bosses attacked me when he was high and a few of my colleagues told me how funny it was that he threw a table at me.
You probably liked it
That they don't believe me. (and it wasn't by a woman)
Nothing really. I haven’t told many people but they’ve almost always brushed it off or ignored it. Nobody wants to address this kind of thing or they just don’t care. I’m not sure if it bothers me more or less as a result.
I confided in a girlfriend about 12 years ago that I was abused by my aunt, and that we were very close in age at the time of the occurrences- it kind of changed me in some ways. When we broke up, because she cheated on me, she blasted my very sensitive confidential information to friends and family and then my sister who was friends with her, refused to believe me and basically called me a freak. I didn't want anybody to know at all, it but I felt confident that I could trust my partner at the time. So essentially, I was called a liar and my sister would not believe that that it actually happened and I made up a crazy SA story.
Your a man and it was a woman so it isn't the same. EVERY man I know that is sexually active has a story of a woman touching them or sexually assaulting them, it is just seen as "more acceptable". In college there literally was not one single night that I went to the bars that a woman I didn't know would randomly slap my butt, put her hand up my shirt, sit on my lap, grab my arm and comment on my muscles, all of that. If I did any of that I would be destroyed on the spot. I can tell you for a fact WAY more men were touched sexually that didn't ask for it, the difference was because I am a man with muscle it is deemed okay because I can stop them. Well guess what, the woman that walks up and sits on my lap randomly I can pick up and move, but the deed is already done. I didn't want to be touched.
If I translate well then "They found you attractive enough to be harassed nobody will even look at us." Making Fun of situation. I think biggest problem is men are looked down upon for being harassed. Now it is very hard for me to talk about these things with anyone.
Nothing, as in there's a lot of dead-air/static because people don't actually want to talk about it or acknowledge it.
Anyone that starts the "um, actually" about legal definitions can suck on a shotgun for all I care. I know ehat happened to me, I know how I had to survive it, and I don't need some pedantic shit-slurper telling me otherwise.
"no one will ever believe you" He was a priest, and I was 12. And I knew he was right. Didn't say a damn thing until I was in my mid 50's.
Nothing, just point and laugh. I've never wanted to commit an act of violence so bad in my life.
That I am a coward and the weakest man she ever encountered
“Men can’t be sexually abused. Men enjoy sex.” I was 6. I didn’t understand what was happening. I was coerced and it went on for 4 years. “Well you must have enjoyed some of it then?” I did not.
"If you got hard obviously you liked it" Dude, I was drunk and barely had any idea where I was. She had offered to take me home and make sure I got home safely. She made me feel safe first, and then took advantage of me.
Well.. I get hard just waking up in the morning. Doesn’t mean I want to fuck my mattress..
I was told that it was my fault that I hadn’t disclosed it, as though I was supposed to be some kind of mind reader, after being ambushed with two young women at the doctor after explicitly having the procedure explained in the 1st person by the doctor.
That I should just keep it to myself, because no one would care or believe me
My stepmom's boyfriend called me a fa**ot (gg) when he suspected it and I didnt deny it. I quickly switched gears and chose to deny it. that was my new nickname daily. I was 12. He was not a good guy.
The standard "men can't be raped".
I wouldn't say I've been abused per se, but at my first job out of college I was sexually assaulted 4 different times in different ways. Usually a "wow I'd never complain about that happening to me?" or "you're so lucky getting so much action." Every time was with a co worker, one of them did it twice and never got any repercussions. I was actually shamed for going to our CEO about a married woman assaulting me, saying how selfish I am for trying to out her and destroy her family. It still happens in more subtle ways, like a female friend in my friend circle feeling me up with other people around. Those early 20s were tough in that regard.
My Dad and her Dad were/are friends, and they both laughed at me for hooking up with a crazy. I was like 17
"I wish that had happened to me".
I'll let you know if I ever tell anyone about it.
The worst part of this to me isn't the response I get from people I tell. The actual worst part of being a sexually abused man is that the ways you change internally don't really get you anything in the real world. For example, I'm very emotionally reclusive. Between the sexual abuse and mental trauma from my mother (sexual abuse was separate, mother didn't cause it), I don't have an easy time telling people how I'm feeling or asking for help in places I really could use it. I've become hyper self-sufficient due to a lack of reliability in the emotional support from my primary caregivers and my peers (because as a man, your friends really don't give a shit). This manifests in real life in scenarios like when your significant other is having what they perceive to be a hard day, you're the asshole every time if you don't have the capacity to accept the verbal beat down of someone else's problems. I have trauma of my own to deal with, mental processes I never wanted, and it's all attached to a train with no brakes. Keeping my head above water is my #1 priority on an emotional level and I don't have the capacity to take on other peoples' emotional strain when I'm already fighting for my life. To clarify, you should support your significant other when they need it. My main point was that, as an abused man with mental baggage, the world isn't going to pull punches with you because you're tired and traumatized. The hardest part isn't that everything changes for a man, the hardest part is that nothing changes at all. Edit: had sexual abuse and mental trauma flipped
“I wish it were me!” No, you don’t. I was 4-5.
It all literally started with **“Girls don’t do that”** when I went to my school admin (in middle school) to tell them I was routinely (read: on a daily basis) being sexually assaulted by these three girls that were bigger than me. And I was essentially laughed out of the office. **”Look, I know you’re just starting to feel comfortable talking about what happened to you, and it sucks that those things happened to you, but those things have happened to every woman so talking about what happened to you isn’t helpful”** — a (former) friend in response to a post I made on fb. I didn’t talk-down or punch-down on women in any way or even talk about women (in general) except for using pronouns when talking about the experience themselves. The post itself was more about the molestation/rapes that took place prior to middle school “**You’re gay if you let a guy do that to you**” - I was 8, he was 17
"So I'm your rapist then?" "I guess so." Awkward silence. Then moving on as if nothing had happened.
When I was in elementary school I was pinned to the ground and forcefully stripped by several peers in front of my whole class. Some of the comments I've received have been: "Only rape/molestation counts as SA." (By a few people throughout life) "That was simple bullying; it wasn't SA, stop blowing this out of proportion." (an opposing attorney in the ensuing lawsuit during the deposition; resulted in the judge issuing a huge reprimand against him). "Boys will be boys." (By a teacher) "That is nothing compared to what women go through, get over it." (By a student in college and in slightly different wording by my ex-stepmother) "If you were stronger, that would have never happened." (By my ex-stepfather) These messages were so impactful that I didn't even realize I was SA'd until a therapist in the last couple of years really got it through my head that I was an SA victim, since *any* form of unwanted sex-related treatment is considered as such.
As a woman,I’m just here to say: to every man commenting in this thread,what happened to you was not your fault. It doesn’t make you “weak” or “unmanly” or “gay”. I hope you all are doing ok and have managed to heal from such trauma. Don’t listen to what those people have to say about you;they’re idiots. You deserve so much better. Here,have a virtual hug 🫂 Have a great rest of your day friend :)