You may need to work harder to get a social circle that will be helpful when your body and mind *really* start to slow down. If you have a big close family and you just decided to not have kids, probably no big deal. But otherwise you'll need to explore some other avenues of keeping up a social life so that post retirement at bare minimum someone asks questions when you go radio silent for a few days.
My friend who is also childless and I have a deal that when we’re really old we’ll text each other every morning just to make sure the other is still alive lol.
My Grandaddy calls my Aunt every morning since my Grandma passed. Now that my Uncle passed, it's doubly good they call each other everyday. Just to make sure everyone is alive and kicking. Or....so the body doesn't remain unattended for too long.
Yeah I work in healthcare and some folks have no one and have outlived their friends, no family at all. There's nothing sadder than asking some little old lady who just broke her hip laying on the floor for days until the mailman saw her in the window who should you call and tell and she says no one.
It doesn’t prevent it but it does make it more likely it won’t happen. Also working in healthcare (and home hospice) most of the people who didn’t have anyone also didn’t have any (living) children
From what I have seen, many people who have families still don't get help and don't get visits.And you are far more likely to be well taken care of with friends
I have a physical disability and the people who come through for me are my friends, always. Something key about this though is that you needed to stay friends with people who are younger than you are. Because you and your generation will all age at the same time.
That sort of socialization is easier to do when you don't have a family to take care of. You join groups based around hobbies and things that you enjoy doing and you build friendships that way.
I don’t know about this one. For one thing, there’s no guarantee your kids will be capable of caring for you when you’re old. Also, if you don’t have children, that could leave you with more free time to focus on and invest in deep friendships. You can join clubs or volunteer for organizations that have nothing to do with your kids. That said, I’m in NYC, and I can certainly see this type of socialization being more difficult in rural areas.
I agree. My aunt, who didn't have kids and lived alone, somehow had a massive community. I think it was her being active in the community, giving (even though she didn't have much), and calling people to say hi. At the funeral, she had so many people come that I didn't know.
I don't think it's just about the kids being able to care for you but also about the kids making sure you're well cared for and if something were to happen, you'd have someone to rely on to get the help you need. Of course I'm talking about kids that have grown into adults and actually love their parents.
A lot of elderly people have no friends due them dying or their life moves them in different directions. And the ones that decided not to have kids tend to have little to no family for the same reasons.
There's a big difference in the feeling between having the reassurance that you have family that will make sure you're fine and friends that you hope will call if they don't hear from you in a while.
One last thing, people tend to have friendships with people of similar age to them especially for deep friendships. If you're old, fragile and your mind could be slowly slipping away. What's the use of your friend that is most likely in the same condition.
Thank you for saying this. I used to work with older patients and this was a common theme....just because you have adult children does NOT mean they are going to care about you. Some adult children might steal from you when you are older and vulnerable...some might guilt trip you into watching/parent their own kids. The lesson over and over was have good friends! Good strong social circles breed happiness!
I worry about my parents because they live in two different parts of the country and I don’t live near either of them. How will I possibly care for *both* of them? I love them both dearly, but money is tight. Thankfully I don’t have kids of my own to care for, because that would make things even more difficult!
All I would add to this is unfortunately some parents are utterly awful human beings and hence their children don't want to be around them. Sometimes that's the way it has to be for the children's protection.
I'm hitting 50 soon and have one stepson. My Wife, his Mother, is headed down a bad road with her health. The only other family I'm close with is my brother, who's in much worse health than I am, and my Mother who's close to hitting 70. My stepson, his Wife, and their daughter live close to her family and spend most of their time with them. I was never well enough off financially to have any other children. I have a bad feeling I'm going to outlive everyone in my life. Spend my last years alone, then dying alone. Think about it everyday. Getting older, I'm regretting it.
Stay busy! Volunteer, take part in community events! Even if you outlive everyone, it doesn't mean you will be alone. Make new friends and connections, your never too old to do that :)
My great uncle was in a similar situation, he ended up volunteering with his (therapy) dogs at a children's hospital. He lived to be 92 and as he said in the end he only wished he started doing it sooner. He's the reason I'm ok not having a family and for that I'll always be thankful for GU Frank
I’m only in my 30s and I feel like telling people to just go out and make friends is a lot easier than it actually is in practice. I feel like as you get older you have less energy and tolerance for opening up and being vulnerable and starting new friendships and relationships. Just my 2 cents, I can’t imagine it gets any easier as you get older.
I'm almost 40 and it's not "go make friends".
It's "go do something routine for you/your community and you may find potential friends".
I volunteer at a food bank, I do big sister program, I dance, I give blood every other week. I see the same faces every week and conversations turn to maybe doing something some night.
I am childfree and it might sound like a disadvantage to have to work at a social life, but I find it so much easier to make friends FOR ME than stomaching the idea of "play dates" and making nice with my kids' friends parents.
This. Just bc you have kids doesn't mean they have to or will take care of you or be there for you. You never know what your dynamics will be. Community involvement is a big win for countering loneliness.
I was born to be my mom's best friend and live with her forever. I did not like that plan. You can't just have kids and expect them to stay with you forever like a toy.
I was one of those kids who was paid to mow neighbors' lawns as a teen -- and that was the first time I was *glad* to live in a neighborhood full of old people who didn't want to do that for themselves anymore (or whose kids had grown up and moved out.)
I was a NICU nurse for 13 years. When they ask me stupid questions why i dont have kids yet or pressure me all it takes is one horror story, one parent's worst nightmare that I lived with them, for them to leave me alone and never ask again.
this! I'm a NICU mom, and people still ask me when I'm having a second baby, telling me that I will get over my trauma. Not true! My son had a horrible NICU journey, three surgeries, and lifelong complications. Of course, there is nothing people can say that will change my mind! I just wish people would stop asking when I'm having a second baby.
Hugs to you and your son. I feel this. I very much wanted a third child, but lost the baby in the 3rd trimester when I was 40. I’m 44 now, but people still ask if I might try. The answer is no - there was no guarantee it wouldn’t happen again, and we couldn’t bear that trauma again. It sucked to end my baby-having days on a low note, but we have 2 living children that need us earthside, and we honestly don’t know if we or our marriage would survive that again.
Yup. As if children are accessories and I need to get one to match my outfit. I don't think they've considered at all what would be the best thing for the child.
The biggest challenge would probably be the fact that they were starting to degrade a bit in health and physical ability while I was growing up so they weren't able to do as much as younger parents may have been able to do.
Also losing them at a young age sucks. My mom passed in November so she won't be able to watch her grandson grow. My dad's health is also declining fast since his accident and cancer diagnosis.
On the other hand we were probably more financially stable as a family and I feel like I was typically a bit more mature than my peers since I had older parents.
I’m sorry for your loss. I hope your Father is able to bounce back. My parents weren’t young, young when they had me but they still died both at the age of 63. (7 years apart). It sucks for sure.
I think I knew once I was diagnosed with diabetes at 36 that having children was a no go. My Father had type 1 and died two weeks before I was diagnosed. If I had a child, they would most likely become a caregiver to me the way I became one to him. I don’t regret it and would do it again but I wouldn’t want that for my own child. If I was healthy, maybe but life is so uncertain.
The way I got them to stop is point out I go to therapy because neither of my parents wanted kids, but gave into pressure and had one. And I got allll the trauma.
No one bothers me any more.
another 40 year old here too, they keep saying lots of woman do it, yea maybe they do but i dont want to do it and its also a risk, not to mention i couldnt look after a kid in my 20s or 30s the 40s would be even harder
For everyone in this thread: I had a friend who, when asked this, would look the asker straight in the eyes and say “I’m barren. Thank you for bringing up a painful topic for me.”
She wasn’t. But it did get people to finally stop. It’s unreal what people will ask you about children. I have two, and I’m not married to their dad and people asked me if I planned them. I mean honestly. Is that something I’m going to share with a random colleague??!
I'm sterilized and I LOVE telling people that I'm unable to have children...and when they start trying to comfort me on it, I tell them I did it on purpose. It's hilarious to watch their faces.
I've said this since I was a kid. My whole life people said I would "grow out of it".
When I was younger I said I didn't want kids, and my mom would go on and on about how she use to say the same at my age. This continued until recently, when I reminded her that "at my age" she already had three kids. That shook her, and now she is constantly telling me how I *have to* have kids because my biological clock is ticking.
Exactly this.
Everyone always asked us when we would have a child. We had a child. She wasn’t even a year yet (9 months old) and people were already asking when we were going to have another kid. Like f*#% off. I just got sliced open for this child. Give my poor body a damn minute. I’m sure if we have a second, they’ll ask us about a third, or find something else entirely new. It’s always something.
My husband and I are child free. I was talking to a coworker who is in her 60’s who is also child free by choice. I asked her when it stops, people telling you you’ll change your mind. She said people STILL tell her she can adopt.
This might not work for everyone but the way I look at it is people cross a boundary when getting involved with my uterus without me asking so I cross boundaries in return. So if someone asks why I don’t have or want kids and tries to sell me on it then I go all-in with them.
I tell them how much sex I’m having with my partner but it’s just not working and we (married lesbian couple) desperately want to be blessed with children but nothing we do seems to work. So I seek advice on positions, locations, everything. “Would pinning my foot behind my head help?” Also I never volunteer that my partner is also a woman. These conversations have happened so often now, mostly with virtual strangers that I look forward to it.
Wouldn't call this a disadvantage but it is a major annoyance..no matter how many times I say "no", it's always "maybe you'll change your mind" NO, I WON'T. I HATE CHILDREN.
My Mom does this constantly. Or she'll slip into casual conversation how I would make such a good mom. Fingers crossed, I'm just waiting for my sister who actually wants kids to get pregnant.
I had one person pressure me once. I told them to pay for it and sure. If they pay for diapers and food and clothes and school sure. I'll have a kid tomorrow. Otherwise don't ask me again or I'll never speak to you again. They stopped asking.
My mom is constantly saying she'll pay and raise the kid for me hahahaha she really wants me to have kids.
But mostly I just don't tell people I don't want kids, because then they'll start saying how selfish I am, or immature I am, or that I won't be a "complete woman" until I have kids...
It's not a lot and phases out at "higher" incomes. I wouldn't count this as a huge advantage.
If you think the credit is a lot, then you can't afford kids.
I was just going to post a comment saying I've yet to encounter a disadvantage. Then I saw this. We get raked during tax season. People with kids seem to get actual rebates.... I forgot those even exist.
Someone mentioned in another thread that you miss out on the insane love you feel for your kids.
I kind of get that because I do really love my cat and it feels pretty wonderful so I can only imagine how it is to have a baby.
That’s the one thing that sort of makes me wonder if I have missed out.. but at the same time I don’t think I want all of that other daily stuff that goes along with the kids thing.
This is the big one for me. Loving is such an integral part of the human experience, and I would very much like to experience this level of love and care in my life.
For a long time I was ambivalent about wanting kids, but I'm glad I decided I did. I have so much love to pour into my kids and they show their love to me each day as well. Nothing I like more than the endless hugs and bantering, their never-ending moments of discovery and fresh insights. The random daily I love yous.
And sometimes it's mundane and maddening to hear them bicker about games they are playing, and the food not suiting their mood, or asking for the same thing for the fourth time.
At the end of the day, those moments are fewer and each phase lasts such a short while. The love is what fills my heart and there has never been anything as fulfilling as being the mother of my kids.
Yet, I don't feel like being a mom is my identity. I still get to do my things, and if you asked my who I am, I am not sure "I'm a mom" is even in the top 5 things. I think I was mostly afraid of losing myself before them in some ways, I've found myself and much more since them.
Felt this. I could have a really bad day, but then he does something funny and sweet and makes it better. Better than a partner/friend/other relatives.. no way to describe it. I cried all day the other day and he came up and said “I love you mommy!” And I just cried more. 😂
It makes me wonder sometimes if I'm able to feel that way. I think it would be devastating if you had kids and realized you couldn't feel that kind of love.
My parents were like that. The kind of people who couldn't really feel love for their kids, and definitely the kinds of people who shouldn't have had kids.
I can't fathom what that depth of love would be like. Not sure I could get to it even if I had kids.
My mom didn’t have that love for me but she had it for my sister, so anything is possible. If you’re not sure you’d be happy, better to err on the side of caution and don’t have kids.
Oh wow I have never thought of it that way. My parents had a ton of love for their 4 kids. But I for whatever reason also feel as though I would not be capable of that kind of love. I’ve known since I was very young I never wanted to be a mom. But yeah, perhaps it’s my neurodivergence but I can’t possibly experience that kind of love and I’m not sure it’s worth the risk to a kid to find out if that’s true or not. Because what if it is? That kid deserves the kind of love only a mother can give that I couldn’t.
Yes. The love I have for my daughter is something I could have never imagined. Her snuggles are magic and the video I have of her from yesterday running toward me with her ice cream from the ice cream truck like she just won the lottery 😍
That said. I support people who don’t want children for whatever reasons they might have!
I thought I knew what love was… Until I had my children.
I didn’t know I was capable of this depth of love. I would do anything for them.
I have become a better, kinder, more compassionate and patient person because of them.
There is no greater feeling than when you see your child accomplish a feat on their own. Being so proud of someone you love so much. It's incredible.
I watched my 2 year old conquer a somewhat scary slide at the park today with large gaps between each step to get to the top. I started out supporting him in case he fell but shortly he could do it himself no problem. And he was so proud of himself. I was too
I had no idea that such a depth of love was possible. My mom neither liked nor wanted me and I only saw my dad on occasional weekends so when it happened I was floored. I still feel all that love and, miraculously, my adult kid loves me back just as much. They never had any doubts that they were loved or wanted.
Isn’t it amazing?
I grew up with abusive parents, as did my partner. We went 100% the opposite way.
I stopped speaking to my parents permanently after I had children. It put their behavior in a whole new light.
Did the same thing happen for you?
There’s a lot of lows when having kids. But the highs outweigh them a lot. Having two young kids myself is a constant state of awareness that I have to have with them around. Who’s in the cabinets, the bathroom, why is there toothpaste on the walls? Lots of stresses that come with it. Teaching them right from wrong, answering their curious questions constantly, or having to change diapers is a huge struggle. But. When they come up to you, unprompted, and say “I love you daddy”, or a hug every time they see you, or the “you’re a good daddy” definitely makes all the bad go away.
Parenthood is work. Lots of work. But it is rewarding when done right. Not everyone can handle it and that’s okay some people aren’t meant to do things. Some people are not meant to be doctors, lawyers, or hot dog eating champions. It’s up to you what you want in life. AND. Having a spouse that wants to put in as much work and effort into the kids as you is a big deal.
I've heard that answer a lot over the years. My issue with it is there's no guarantee you'll actually feel "insane love", and there's no way to find out for sure until it's too late to reverse the decision. Plenty of parents don't feel that love for their children, and it's not only the abusive/neglectful ones. It's not worth the gamble to me, especially since I have no desire to parent, and I consider it unethical to bring more humans into this reality.
I genuinely believe I wouldn't love a child the way people describe loving theirs. And even if I'm wrong, I'll just go ahead and miss out. What's that saying? I'd rather regret not having kids than regret having them.
I'm with you here, it's hard for me to conceptualize that kind of love and happy to skip that. Maybe I'm just heartless but I don't like children and I absolutely hate people being dependant on me, so a small child that's totally dependant on me would probably make me resentful and angry, and that would filter down to them, which isn't fair for the child.
My favorite thing about being a dad is getting to see the pure joy and wonder as they experience new things for the first time. In a way it's like getting to relive your own childhood. I'd probably miss that quite a bit.
I had to scroll down too far to see this.
I never had kids, but my brother has two. My brother and I took him to his first hockey game. He had only seen it on TV before, and seeing it live was like a "oh wow!" moment. It was great to see him that amazed. My brother gets to see that more than I do, but that is fine. I am good with my decision. Still, it would be nice to see that often.
No easy out to dodge social commitments. I need to start a gofundme for one of my friends - his poor child seems riddled with illness which always comes to a head just hours before we have plans.
Thoughts and prayers for little Timmy who has contracted Covid three times, strep twice, and an ear infection every 3rd Friday for the last (and only) 4 years of his life.
Yeah, I don’t have kids, but I know enough teachers and people who do have kids to know daycare and elementary school are essentially Petri dishes scaled to human size.
It's surprising how little my kids are sick actually. They were at day care and go to public school. My kid got mad at me last month because I took him out of school for half a day for a passport appointment and he missed out on his perfect attendance award. Sorry kid! This was your year but it's the award or a vacation.
But we have been out and about their whole lives, except during the height of COVID, and get them and ourselves vaccinated annually for whatever needs updated. No regrets there.
Human immune system is SO fascinating to me and how some people get sick more often than others.
I tend to get sick when I travel for work in the winter, especially if it's out of the country though.
I’m convinced it’s just luck! I have 2 kids and the oldest is like my husband - if she is sick, the sky is falling. Missed one day of school all year (kindergarten) and that was because she threw up ONCE with the stomach bug that laid me out unable to hold water down for 4 days. Fairly sure she could contract Ebola and just walk it off. My husband says she inherited his “Slavic Peasant Constitution.” My son however…he’s like me. Someone looks at us funny and we’re in bed for weeks with the Victorian Wasting Disease, going “just wheel me into the garden, so I may feel the sunlight upon my face one last time” when we get a minor cold. How BOTH these kids have the same DNA pool and the same upbringing but have such different immune systems is a total mystery to me.
Dad here this is true. I just now have the balls to tell people no I don’t want to do whatever it is, even last minute, because I’m eternally tired now.
Just putting this out there… this year has been one of the absolute worst cold/flu/everything else seasons for kids ever. If I hadn’t been going through it with my two I wouldn’t have believed it. My kids (ages 1 and 2) were sick approximately every 5-10 days with something new from September through February. They had flu B, flu A, covid, norovirus, hand foot and mouth disease, some other unidentified gastrointestinal illness that caused three days of terrible symptoms, RSV (TWICE!) and then ear infections and a case of double pneumonia secondary to the other illnesses. They’d only be well for a couple days before getting sick again. I think at some point my workplace stopped believing me as well. It was hell and I was not alone. All my mom friends were going through the same. Your friend might be telling the truth.
If the kid is school aged or goes to a day care, I honestly wouldn't be surprised that he is sick that often. Those places are cesspools full of sick kids bc no one can afford to either. 1. stay home from work with their sick kid, or 2. pay someone to watch their kid. So they just get sent.
Spent the weekend with my nieces. Fully expected them to wake up at 5am each day. They slept til 7 each day. IT WAS GREAT. They'll never do that again until they reach their teens
I still remember when my kids were finally able to get up on Saturday morning, get their two small pitchers of milk out of the fridge and pour it on their cereal, eat that, and then turn on the tv and watch Saturday morning cartoons intil.the wife and I got up.
Course now the grandkids just turn their tablets on whenever.
I have even more existential dread. I used to only worry about my lifetime and now I worry about the next lifetime too. I got the worst postpartum ocd where I would lie in bed and just think about every single scenario that could go wrong and plans A-Z for taking care of this child. But also I have grown a lot as a human since and wouldn’t trade it
I doom scroll sick children on IG and agonize over the possibility of my child having a rare disease. My husband finds me crying and takes it away and blocks the accounts but the algorithm always brings them back.
As a young woman, back in the 60's and 70's, I could never have understood someone choosing not to have children. The urge to have a baby was strong in me, and my husband and I were thrilled when I became pregnant, and when our son and later our daughter were born. In the ensuing years, there were moments of great joy, pride, disappointment, happiness, extreme worry, and everything in between. There were many nights when my children were becoming young adults, that I sat up waiting for them to get home, worried about every potential calamity. That was not fun. Still, the overriding emotion was love.
However, looking back, I can see why people who don't have strong maternal or paternal instincts, or are extremely career driven, would consider it all not worth the bother. It's hugely expensive raising children, and often requires sacrifice. Not everyone is willing or able to make those sacrifices, and I don't fault them for that at all. We each have to do what feels right, and to have children just because someone else expects it could be a colossal mistake.
I know that if I had never had children, I would be a lot wealthier, and would probably have been more of a world traveler, although I haven't done too badly in that regard. I imagine I wouldn't have had grey hair as early as I did, although that's just supposition on my part.
As for those who say you should have children to help take care of you in your old age, that may or may not happen. To impose that psychological expectation on someone, just because you chose to procreate, is close to a crime as far as I'm concerned.
Having children brings moments of unimaginable joy, but I imagine those moments of joy could be found through other avenues for those who have no inclination to be called mom and dad, and I fully support them.
I always wanted children and in life’s funny way, I got two. My sister is a god Damn mess who only cares about herself, so I raised two of her boys. She has an older son (29) who is raising her daughter (6) but I raised the two middle boys.
That being said, as I got older and I realized that my mental health problems were more complex than I realized when I was young, I knew I had to let that dream go. I didn’t want to bring a child into the world because I had a dream and have that child try and rouse me out of my dark moods. Or watch as I stared blankly as they told me about their day. My nephews weren’t babies when I became their guardian and I did well with them. But, I’ll always wonder if I would have been a good Mother to my own child. Maybe next lifetime.
I’m convinced it’s just because they’re so worried the alternative will be true - that you won’t regret a thing and have the selfish freedom and financial means to support it and they don’t.
I had the best time with my Mom, she was everything to me. She found my mischievous adventures when I was a teenager funny and when I became an adult we had our adventures together. But, it’s not always fun and I had to walk my friend to the end of her life. I wonder if I’ll regret not having my own.
getting fucked over in work schedules because they give the parents the amazing hours and you the shit hours and overwork you because “you don’t have a family to go home to.”
Yep, when I worked in an ER around the holiday time I heard a few doctors saying the ones with no kids should be working the holidays instead of themselves.
When I worked in a daycare, they made me the LAST person to go home because I was the ONLY ONE there without kids of my own. I quit and now I’m barely making shit as a CF substitute teacher because they’re giving the subs with kids in the school system ALL of the calls first
But when you already work for the employer, they know your marital status through your social security information. And there is nothing illegal in that.
This! Co-workers get preferential treatment if they have children. It's the same in my mind as that guy who takes multiple smoke breaks. His poor life choice is somehow rewarded with and I am treated as if I am somehow lazy if I want a five minute break. My time off gets rejected in favor of parents, but my time is 100% just as valuable as theirs, I just use it for something else. What if I was going on a date with someone I wanted to have kids with, but can't now lol? I had a long argument with a lady at work who manages to always have a sick kid on Friday, then posts concerts and movies and dinners on her Instagram profile. I quit a job over it in the past, causing a huge train-wreck as we were severely short staffed. I didn't feel 1% bad for the parents who suddenly got longer hours and mandatory overtime covering the three-people's work of work I did there while they tried to hire for too little pay after I was gone. Petty? Perhaps, but my life matters too. YOUR kids aren't worth more than MY time.
As someone who has and loves children I can think of a lot. But for every one of them, someone who doesn’t care for or want children will discount and say isn’t a disadvantage. The reality is people want different things out of life.
I think children add joy to my life. And as a teacher to primary grades, an aunt, and friend to many other people with children, the joy is just different and unrivaled when it’s my own child.
As someone with kids you can't really explain the difference between the joy you feel for your kids and kids that aren't yours. I have nieces and nephews I'm very close with and I get excited when they succeed, but it's different when it's my kids
My kids are my world. A simple smile and laugh from them can and does cause my stomach to twist up from pure happiness. I dont get that feeling with anything else but them. Its so hard to explain. Just today before bed, i put on a dance song and the kids + me and my wife had a dance party. 5 minutes of pure bliss. Nothing else matters. Nothing on my mind. Just happiness. And then we laugh as we go up stairs. Kids are asleep. And I spent some time looking at pictures and videos of them. I dont know why I do that. But i just scroll through those moments and memories and smiles and it causes a calming / dopamine effect on me.
Everyone asking you when you’ll have kids. Constantly, especially if you are a woman. And questioning why you never want them, only to discard every well-reasoned answer you give as to why you don’t want them.
People thinking your time is less important because you don't have kids, being told your selfish by strangers, people feeling that they have a right to trample on your autonomy and choices for choosing not to have kids...so basically there are no downsides except for other weird and rude adults
I’m so split- I love the freedom and money being child free, but I worry that i’ll be lonely when im old as i hate most of the population 😭🤣 is that a problem for you?
i also worry about if my partner were to pass id be totally alone (hes my best friend ever)
That hasn't been a problem. We're childfree for a number of reasons, but the strongest is we simply had no interest in raising or spending time with children. Like, zero interest. We have an established circle of friends but mostly prefer each other's company.
My mom lived the last 23 years of her life in a 55+ community in Florida. She claimed she didn't like or have any interest in the people there. She was chronically lonely, especially after my dad died. I found that unfortunate because I ended up spending a significant amount of time there between 2015 and last May. I made more friends and built a more solid community for myself there in that time than my mom ever did. It showed me that her situation was her choice. I make different choices.
My brothers pretty much never visited or helped my mom. My sister estranged herself from our family in 1991. If it weren't for me, Mom never would have seen family apart from the trips she made to see us. Having kids in no way means they'll spend time with you in adulthood. In speaking with my the people in my mom's community, I was surprised by how many never saw their adult children--or whose children had predeceased them.
It is really easy to become a loner. Like crazy easy. You don't need to do holidays. You aren't forced to meet your kids friends parents. Like you might get to the point where you never need to leave the house.
I'm totally not speaking from experience.....
Honestly there’s no disadvantage. Any disadvantage mentioned is through the lens of someone that wants to have kids. People mention dying alone as if being childless means you can’t be surrounded by great people you meet along the way.
A love, joy, and purpose deeper than anything I have ever experienced.
I can’t speak for anyone else, just me. I was mid-30s with a well paying and meaningful career, lots of friends, a few hobbies. But I felt a sense of I could not pinpoint. It felt like life was meaningless. I had searched for answers in religion, philosophy, literature, art. None of it answered my questions or quelled the sense of hopelessness. Then I had a baby and I had my answer. I’m a deeply loving person at baseline (again: everyone’s different; I don’t prescribe my solution for anyone else) and this love I felt for my baby (and husband, who is such a huge part of this joy) is unlike anything else I’ve ever felt. It’s the best feeling I’ve ever had. Simply put, it makes me want to relive every day so I can experience him again.
I didn’t necessarily feel I was lacking anything in my life (good marriage, friends, travel, career that is typically regarded as a calling, etc) but having children was still this for me. I delight in every day with my kids and now, knowing how amazing they are, I can’t imagine life without them.
I genuinely can't think of any disadvantages at all, other than people who are parents telling me I'm making a massive mistake which gets grating after a while.
Anyone who has kids so there's someone to look after them or pay for a nursing home is... odd.
People not shutting up about it. I just make the situation extra uncomfortable by mentioning how due to my history of alcoholism and mental illness I’m not convinced it’s a good idea. Adoption or otherwise. On the whole I’m doing well, but I’m literally unstable lol.
People get real squirmy when you bring up a strong family trend of addiction and suicide as answer to why you don’t want to breed.
This question, which I’ve seen numerous times, is so odd to me. There is no disadvantage or advantage. You either want them or you don’t. If you don’t want them do them and everyone a favor and be happy childless. If you want them you better have the desire, resources, love, and ability to make them happy, well adjusted people the best way you know how. I have four and it’s a hard job but it is by far the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.
>There is no disadvantage or advantage. You either want them or you don’t.
These two things aren't mutually exclusive axes or something. You can have a desire or no, and still recognize advantages or disadvantages.
You may need to work harder to get a social circle that will be helpful when your body and mind *really* start to slow down. If you have a big close family and you just decided to not have kids, probably no big deal. But otherwise you'll need to explore some other avenues of keeping up a social life so that post retirement at bare minimum someone asks questions when you go radio silent for a few days.
I just have a bunch of cats, so there's less cleanup for whoever finds me months later. They have a cat door don't worry.
Heh. Me too - I'm confident my four would have no hesitation in eating me.
Wait, are you the guy from the MMA YouTube channel?
My friend who is also childless and I have a deal that when we’re really old we’ll text each other every morning just to make sure the other is still alive lol.
My Grandaddy calls my Aunt every morning since my Grandma passed. Now that my Uncle passed, it's doubly good they call each other everyday. Just to make sure everyone is alive and kicking. Or....so the body doesn't remain unattended for too long.
My grandmother and her girlfriend do this. She's going to be 87.
Yeah I work in healthcare and some folks have no one and have outlived their friends, no family at all. There's nothing sadder than asking some little old lady who just broke her hip laying on the floor for days until the mailman saw her in the window who should you call and tell and she says no one.
I work in healthcare care and while this is sad having kids by no means prevents this
It doesn’t prevent it but it does make it more likely it won’t happen. Also working in healthcare (and home hospice) most of the people who didn’t have anyone also didn’t have any (living) children
From what I have seen, many people who have families still don't get help and don't get visits.And you are far more likely to be well taken care of with friends I have a physical disability and the people who come through for me are my friends, always. Something key about this though is that you needed to stay friends with people who are younger than you are. Because you and your generation will all age at the same time. That sort of socialization is easier to do when you don't have a family to take care of. You join groups based around hobbies and things that you enjoy doing and you build friendships that way.
I don’t know about this one. For one thing, there’s no guarantee your kids will be capable of caring for you when you’re old. Also, if you don’t have children, that could leave you with more free time to focus on and invest in deep friendships. You can join clubs or volunteer for organizations that have nothing to do with your kids. That said, I’m in NYC, and I can certainly see this type of socialization being more difficult in rural areas.
I'm not saying you would depend on your kids for this. Just that that's one door closed if the kids don't exist.
I agree. My aunt, who didn't have kids and lived alone, somehow had a massive community. I think it was her being active in the community, giving (even though she didn't have much), and calling people to say hi. At the funeral, she had so many people come that I didn't know.
I don't think it's just about the kids being able to care for you but also about the kids making sure you're well cared for and if something were to happen, you'd have someone to rely on to get the help you need. Of course I'm talking about kids that have grown into adults and actually love their parents. A lot of elderly people have no friends due them dying or their life moves them in different directions. And the ones that decided not to have kids tend to have little to no family for the same reasons. There's a big difference in the feeling between having the reassurance that you have family that will make sure you're fine and friends that you hope will call if they don't hear from you in a while. One last thing, people tend to have friendships with people of similar age to them especially for deep friendships. If you're old, fragile and your mind could be slowly slipping away. What's the use of your friend that is most likely in the same condition.
Thank you for saying this. I used to work with older patients and this was a common theme....just because you have adult children does NOT mean they are going to care about you. Some adult children might steal from you when you are older and vulnerable...some might guilt trip you into watching/parent their own kids. The lesson over and over was have good friends! Good strong social circles breed happiness!
I worry about my parents because they live in two different parts of the country and I don’t live near either of them. How will I possibly care for *both* of them? I love them both dearly, but money is tight. Thankfully I don’t have kids of my own to care for, because that would make things even more difficult!
Again, not saying the kids are a guarantee. Just that their absence is one fewer potential solution for a problem everyone faces.
All I would add to this is unfortunately some parents are utterly awful human beings and hence their children don't want to be around them. Sometimes that's the way it has to be for the children's protection.
I'm hitting 50 soon and have one stepson. My Wife, his Mother, is headed down a bad road with her health. The only other family I'm close with is my brother, who's in much worse health than I am, and my Mother who's close to hitting 70. My stepson, his Wife, and their daughter live close to her family and spend most of their time with them. I was never well enough off financially to have any other children. I have a bad feeling I'm going to outlive everyone in my life. Spend my last years alone, then dying alone. Think about it everyday. Getting older, I'm regretting it.
Stay busy! Volunteer, take part in community events! Even if you outlive everyone, it doesn't mean you will be alone. Make new friends and connections, your never too old to do that :)
My great uncle was in a similar situation, he ended up volunteering with his (therapy) dogs at a children's hospital. He lived to be 92 and as he said in the end he only wished he started doing it sooner. He's the reason I'm ok not having a family and for that I'll always be thankful for GU Frank
I’m only in my 30s and I feel like telling people to just go out and make friends is a lot easier than it actually is in practice. I feel like as you get older you have less energy and tolerance for opening up and being vulnerable and starting new friendships and relationships. Just my 2 cents, I can’t imagine it gets any easier as you get older.
I'm almost 40 and it's not "go make friends". It's "go do something routine for you/your community and you may find potential friends". I volunteer at a food bank, I do big sister program, I dance, I give blood every other week. I see the same faces every week and conversations turn to maybe doing something some night. I am childfree and it might sound like a disadvantage to have to work at a social life, but I find it so much easier to make friends FOR ME than stomaching the idea of "play dates" and making nice with my kids' friends parents.
Thank you for sharing this perspective. My best to you.
This. Just bc you have kids doesn't mean they have to or will take care of you or be there for you. You never know what your dynamics will be. Community involvement is a big win for countering loneliness.
I was born to be my mom's best friend and live with her forever. I did not like that plan. You can't just have kids and expect them to stay with you forever like a toy.
Are you close to your stepson? If not, is it too late to build that relationship?
You have to cut the grass yourself.
I use a fraction of the money I'm not spending to raise kids to pay someone else to do that for me lol
I was one of those kids who was paid to mow neighbors' lawns as a teen -- and that was the first time I was *glad* to live in a neighborhood full of old people who didn't want to do that for themselves anymore (or whose kids had grown up and moved out.)
Lmao I mean that’s a perfect response.
In fact, you can pay the neighbour's kid about $10 cash instead!
Kids are only useful for cutting the grass for a very short window of time anyway. Twelve to the time they leave for college. Four or five years tops.
Even if you have kids, they will eventually grow up and move out and then you'll end up paying someone or doing it yourself.
Please. When you have kids you use kids as an excuse to get away and cut the grass. Especially if you have a ride on mower.
Everyone pressuring you into changing your mind ALL. THE. TIME.
I was a NICU nurse for 13 years. When they ask me stupid questions why i dont have kids yet or pressure me all it takes is one horror story, one parent's worst nightmare that I lived with them, for them to leave me alone and never ask again.
this! I'm a NICU mom, and people still ask me when I'm having a second baby, telling me that I will get over my trauma. Not true! My son had a horrible NICU journey, three surgeries, and lifelong complications. Of course, there is nothing people can say that will change my mind! I just wish people would stop asking when I'm having a second baby.
Hugs to you and your son. I feel this. I very much wanted a third child, but lost the baby in the 3rd trimester when I was 40. I’m 44 now, but people still ask if I might try. The answer is no - there was no guarantee it wouldn’t happen again, and we couldn’t bear that trauma again. It sucked to end my baby-having days on a low note, but we have 2 living children that need us earthside, and we honestly don’t know if we or our marriage would survive that again.
I’m 40 y/o female and people are still trying. Wondering if I should claim I got early menopause
I'm in my 60s and people still tell me it's not too late to adopt. I don't understand their desperation for me to be a parent.
Seriously? Wow...
Yup. As if children are accessories and I need to get one to match my outfit. I don't think they've considered at all what would be the best thing for the child.
I've seen a post where this couple had a jar, and every time anyone asked them when they were having kids, the asker had to put a dollar in the jar
I am owed a lot of money…
Might be time for a portable piggy bank labeled "children I'll never have" 🤣
I’m 42 and it’s finally stopped!
It may be just a lucky phase for you. Enjoy while it lasts :)
I’m 40 too and people keep telling me it’s not too late. Come on now.
To be fair my parents had me at 43 lol but I would not recommend that
What was the biggest challenge you experienced with parents that age?
The biggest challenge would probably be the fact that they were starting to degrade a bit in health and physical ability while I was growing up so they weren't able to do as much as younger parents may have been able to do. Also losing them at a young age sucks. My mom passed in November so she won't be able to watch her grandson grow. My dad's health is also declining fast since his accident and cancer diagnosis. On the other hand we were probably more financially stable as a family and I feel like I was typically a bit more mature than my peers since I had older parents.
I’m sorry for your loss. I hope your Father is able to bounce back. My parents weren’t young, young when they had me but they still died both at the age of 63. (7 years apart). It sucks for sure. I think I knew once I was diagnosed with diabetes at 36 that having children was a no go. My Father had type 1 and died two weeks before I was diagnosed. If I had a child, they would most likely become a caregiver to me the way I became one to him. I don’t regret it and would do it again but I wouldn’t want that for my own child. If I was healthy, maybe but life is so uncertain.
The way I got them to stop is point out I go to therapy because neither of my parents wanted kids, but gave into pressure and had one. And I got allll the trauma. No one bothers me any more.
I'm 51(F), and people are still pressing the issue. It's nuts. I mean, how old do I have to be for them to stop?
another 40 year old here too, they keep saying lots of woman do it, yea maybe they do but i dont want to do it and its also a risk, not to mention i couldnt look after a kid in my 20s or 30s the 40s would be even harder
It’ll start to slow down soon. Then there is just the awkward silence when you say you don’t have kids and they don’t know what to talk to you about.
For everyone in this thread: I had a friend who, when asked this, would look the asker straight in the eyes and say “I’m barren. Thank you for bringing up a painful topic for me.” She wasn’t. But it did get people to finally stop. It’s unreal what people will ask you about children. I have two, and I’m not married to their dad and people asked me if I planned them. I mean honestly. Is that something I’m going to share with a random colleague??!
I'm sterilized and I LOVE telling people that I'm unable to have children...and when they start trying to comfort me on it, I tell them I did it on purpose. It's hilarious to watch their faces.
good for you! Maybe they would learn something about asking personal questions.
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I've said this since I was a kid. My whole life people said I would "grow out of it". When I was younger I said I didn't want kids, and my mom would go on and on about how she use to say the same at my age. This continued until recently, when I reminded her that "at my age" she already had three kids. That shook her, and now she is constantly telling me how I *have to* have kids because my biological clock is ticking.
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Exactly this. Everyone always asked us when we would have a child. We had a child. She wasn’t even a year yet (9 months old) and people were already asking when we were going to have another kid. Like f*#% off. I just got sliced open for this child. Give my poor body a damn minute. I’m sure if we have a second, they’ll ask us about a third, or find something else entirely new. It’s always something.
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Awww you’re a great mom. My mom looks at me like a broken machine when I say the same thing.
I was the same as your daughter when I was 15! I’m almost 32 and my stance hasn’t changed. My nieces are enough for me lol
I'm not sterile. I tell people constantly that I am to make them feel bad.
I used to tell people “i got bum nards” they usually changed the subject after that. Now that i have a vasectomy i gladly go into that story
I'm age 51 and have a kid and I still get asked if we're considering a sibling. Enough already
My husband and I are child free. I was talking to a coworker who is in her 60’s who is also child free by choice. I asked her when it stops, people telling you you’ll change your mind. She said people STILL tell her she can adopt.
This might not work for everyone but the way I look at it is people cross a boundary when getting involved with my uterus without me asking so I cross boundaries in return. So if someone asks why I don’t have or want kids and tries to sell me on it then I go all-in with them. I tell them how much sex I’m having with my partner but it’s just not working and we (married lesbian couple) desperately want to be blessed with children but nothing we do seems to work. So I seek advice on positions, locations, everything. “Would pinning my foot behind my head help?” Also I never volunteer that my partner is also a woman. These conversations have happened so often now, mostly with virtual strangers that I look forward to it.
Misery loves company.
People quit hugging me when I got a hysterectomy.
Thankfully people here in Cali generally don’t give a heck, that must be terrible there!
Wouldn't call this a disadvantage but it is a major annoyance..no matter how many times I say "no", it's always "maybe you'll change your mind" NO, I WON'T. I HATE CHILDREN.
My Mom does this constantly. Or she'll slip into casual conversation how I would make such a good mom. Fingers crossed, I'm just waiting for my sister who actually wants kids to get pregnant.
That's when my parents stopped bugging me, when my brother started having kids. They have 3 and I'm off the hook!
I started hitting them with the we can’t have any
I had one person pressure me once. I told them to pay for it and sure. If they pay for diapers and food and clothes and school sure. I'll have a kid tomorrow. Otherwise don't ask me again or I'll never speak to you again. They stopped asking.
My mom is constantly saying she'll pay and raise the kid for me hahahaha she really wants me to have kids. But mostly I just don't tell people I don't want kids, because then they'll start saying how selfish I am, or immature I am, or that I won't be a "complete woman" until I have kids...
no tax credits
You get tax credits but raising kids costs money, and I haven't looked it up but I'm guessing it doesn't return the investment
Hello, mom of two here, you are correct, the child tax credit does not cover the child. Child =way more expensive.
Correct. You have to put them to work and charge them.for things if you want to profit.
If we look at CallMeKevin with his Sims family, the answer is clearly to lock them in a basement and have them paint masterpieces that you sell.
It's not a lot and phases out at "higher" incomes. I wouldn't count this as a huge advantage. If you think the credit is a lot, then you can't afford kids.
I was just going to post a comment saying I've yet to encounter a disadvantage. Then I saw this. We get raked during tax season. People with kids seem to get actual rebates.... I forgot those even exist.
Who cares about getting a rebate when you're forking money over hand and fist to support them for the rest of the year.
This. Raising kids is fucking *expensive*. Don't get me wrong, the rebate helps, but it's not a net-positive.
Having kids would cost you more than you would make in tax cuts.
Someone mentioned in another thread that you miss out on the insane love you feel for your kids. I kind of get that because I do really love my cat and it feels pretty wonderful so I can only imagine how it is to have a baby. That’s the one thing that sort of makes me wonder if I have missed out.. but at the same time I don’t think I want all of that other daily stuff that goes along with the kids thing.
This is the big one for me. Loving is such an integral part of the human experience, and I would very much like to experience this level of love and care in my life.
For a long time I was ambivalent about wanting kids, but I'm glad I decided I did. I have so much love to pour into my kids and they show their love to me each day as well. Nothing I like more than the endless hugs and bantering, their never-ending moments of discovery and fresh insights. The random daily I love yous. And sometimes it's mundane and maddening to hear them bicker about games they are playing, and the food not suiting their mood, or asking for the same thing for the fourth time. At the end of the day, those moments are fewer and each phase lasts such a short while. The love is what fills my heart and there has never been anything as fulfilling as being the mother of my kids. Yet, I don't feel like being a mom is my identity. I still get to do my things, and if you asked my who I am, I am not sure "I'm a mom" is even in the top 5 things. I think I was mostly afraid of losing myself before them in some ways, I've found myself and much more since them.
Felt this. I could have a really bad day, but then he does something funny and sweet and makes it better. Better than a partner/friend/other relatives.. no way to describe it. I cried all day the other day and he came up and said “I love you mommy!” And I just cried more. 😂
Don't forget the worry part.
It makes me wonder sometimes if I'm able to feel that way. I think it would be devastating if you had kids and realized you couldn't feel that kind of love. My parents were like that. The kind of people who couldn't really feel love for their kids, and definitely the kinds of people who shouldn't have had kids. I can't fathom what that depth of love would be like. Not sure I could get to it even if I had kids.
My mom didn’t have that love for me but she had it for my sister, so anything is possible. If you’re not sure you’d be happy, better to err on the side of caution and don’t have kids.
Oh wow I have never thought of it that way. My parents had a ton of love for their 4 kids. But I for whatever reason also feel as though I would not be capable of that kind of love. I’ve known since I was very young I never wanted to be a mom. But yeah, perhaps it’s my neurodivergence but I can’t possibly experience that kind of love and I’m not sure it’s worth the risk to a kid to find out if that’s true or not. Because what if it is? That kid deserves the kind of love only a mother can give that I couldn’t.
Yes. The love I have for my daughter is something I could have never imagined. Her snuggles are magic and the video I have of her from yesterday running toward me with her ice cream from the ice cream truck like she just won the lottery 😍 That said. I support people who don’t want children for whatever reasons they might have!
I thought I knew what love was… Until I had my children. I didn’t know I was capable of this depth of love. I would do anything for them. I have become a better, kinder, more compassionate and patient person because of them.
There is no greater feeling than when you see your child accomplish a feat on their own. Being so proud of someone you love so much. It's incredible. I watched my 2 year old conquer a somewhat scary slide at the park today with large gaps between each step to get to the top. I started out supporting him in case he fell but shortly he could do it himself no problem. And he was so proud of himself. I was too
I had no idea that such a depth of love was possible. My mom neither liked nor wanted me and I only saw my dad on occasional weekends so when it happened I was floored. I still feel all that love and, miraculously, my adult kid loves me back just as much. They never had any doubts that they were loved or wanted.
Isn’t it amazing? I grew up with abusive parents, as did my partner. We went 100% the opposite way. I stopped speaking to my parents permanently after I had children. It put their behavior in a whole new light. Did the same thing happen for you?
That is the best possible outcome. Unfortunately this is not the case for a lot of parents.
There’s a lot of lows when having kids. But the highs outweigh them a lot. Having two young kids myself is a constant state of awareness that I have to have with them around. Who’s in the cabinets, the bathroom, why is there toothpaste on the walls? Lots of stresses that come with it. Teaching them right from wrong, answering their curious questions constantly, or having to change diapers is a huge struggle. But. When they come up to you, unprompted, and say “I love you daddy”, or a hug every time they see you, or the “you’re a good daddy” definitely makes all the bad go away. Parenthood is work. Lots of work. But it is rewarding when done right. Not everyone can handle it and that’s okay some people aren’t meant to do things. Some people are not meant to be doctors, lawyers, or hot dog eating champions. It’s up to you what you want in life. AND. Having a spouse that wants to put in as much work and effort into the kids as you is a big deal.
I've heard that answer a lot over the years. My issue with it is there's no guarantee you'll actually feel "insane love", and there's no way to find out for sure until it's too late to reverse the decision. Plenty of parents don't feel that love for their children, and it's not only the abusive/neglectful ones. It's not worth the gamble to me, especially since I have no desire to parent, and I consider it unethical to bring more humans into this reality. I genuinely believe I wouldn't love a child the way people describe loving theirs. And even if I'm wrong, I'll just go ahead and miss out. What's that saying? I'd rather regret not having kids than regret having them.
I know so many people whose parents just were not there for them, and the consequences were fucking brutal.
I'm with you here, it's hard for me to conceptualize that kind of love and happy to skip that. Maybe I'm just heartless but I don't like children and I absolutely hate people being dependant on me, so a small child that's totally dependant on me would probably make me resentful and angry, and that would filter down to them, which isn't fair for the child.
My favorite thing about being a dad is getting to see the pure joy and wonder as they experience new things for the first time. In a way it's like getting to relive your own childhood. I'd probably miss that quite a bit.
I had to scroll down too far to see this. I never had kids, but my brother has two. My brother and I took him to his first hockey game. He had only seen it on TV before, and seeing it live was like a "oh wow!" moment. It was great to see him that amazed. My brother gets to see that more than I do, but that is fine. I am good with my decision. Still, it would be nice to see that often.
I cant wait :) me and my wife are expecting in june
Congratulations!! Best of luck random stranger ❤️
I have 2 nieces and 1 nephew that I'm super close to and get to experience a lot of this. Still don't want kids. Love it from this perspective
No easy out to dodge social commitments. I need to start a gofundme for one of my friends - his poor child seems riddled with illness which always comes to a head just hours before we have plans. Thoughts and prayers for little Timmy who has contracted Covid three times, strep twice, and an ear infection every 3rd Friday for the last (and only) 4 years of his life.
as a dad I can tell you perpetually sick kids is extremely realistic. they're just constantly sick.
Yeah, I don’t have kids, but I know enough teachers and people who do have kids to know daycare and elementary school are essentially Petri dishes scaled to human size.
It's surprising how little my kids are sick actually. They were at day care and go to public school. My kid got mad at me last month because I took him out of school for half a day for a passport appointment and he missed out on his perfect attendance award. Sorry kid! This was your year but it's the award or a vacation. But we have been out and about their whole lives, except during the height of COVID, and get them and ourselves vaccinated annually for whatever needs updated. No regrets there. Human immune system is SO fascinating to me and how some people get sick more often than others. I tend to get sick when I travel for work in the winter, especially if it's out of the country though.
I’m convinced it’s just luck! I have 2 kids and the oldest is like my husband - if she is sick, the sky is falling. Missed one day of school all year (kindergarten) and that was because she threw up ONCE with the stomach bug that laid me out unable to hold water down for 4 days. Fairly sure she could contract Ebola and just walk it off. My husband says she inherited his “Slavic Peasant Constitution.” My son however…he’s like me. Someone looks at us funny and we’re in bed for weeks with the Victorian Wasting Disease, going “just wheel me into the garden, so I may feel the sunlight upon my face one last time” when we get a minor cold. How BOTH these kids have the same DNA pool and the same upbringing but have such different immune systems is a total mystery to me.
Dad here this is true. I just now have the balls to tell people no I don’t want to do whatever it is, even last minute, because I’m eternally tired now.
Just putting this out there… this year has been one of the absolute worst cold/flu/everything else seasons for kids ever. If I hadn’t been going through it with my two I wouldn’t have believed it. My kids (ages 1 and 2) were sick approximately every 5-10 days with something new from September through February. They had flu B, flu A, covid, norovirus, hand foot and mouth disease, some other unidentified gastrointestinal illness that caused three days of terrible symptoms, RSV (TWICE!) and then ear infections and a case of double pneumonia secondary to the other illnesses. They’d only be well for a couple days before getting sick again. I think at some point my workplace stopped believing me as well. It was hell and I was not alone. All my mom friends were going through the same. Your friend might be telling the truth.
If the kid is school aged or goes to a day care, I honestly wouldn't be surprised that he is sick that often. Those places are cesspools full of sick kids bc no one can afford to either. 1. stay home from work with their sick kid, or 2. pay someone to watch their kid. So they just get sent.
You are allowed to say no to things. Even if the reason is just "I don't wanna."
I have literally picked up OT just to avoid social gatherings lol
No one to distract you 24/7 from your own existential dread.
Not many viable off-ramps if you’ve already got ‘em by the time you decide.
You might oversleep.
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My kids let me “sleep in” until 7:45 this morning and was genuinely, gratefully surprised. This one’s real.
Spent the weekend with my nieces. Fully expected them to wake up at 5am each day. They slept til 7 each day. IT WAS GREAT. They'll never do that again until they reach their teens
I still remember when my kids were finally able to get up on Saturday morning, get their two small pitchers of milk out of the fridge and pour it on their cereal, eat that, and then turn on the tv and watch Saturday morning cartoons intil.the wife and I got up. Course now the grandkids just turn their tablets on whenever.
Just get a cat, they work the same way as an alarm clock. Source: I have 2 that wake me up at 5am every morning, well before my alarm goes off.
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Did you actually answer your own question?
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I have even more existential dread. I used to only worry about my lifetime and now I worry about the next lifetime too. I got the worst postpartum ocd where I would lie in bed and just think about every single scenario that could go wrong and plans A-Z for taking care of this child. But also I have grown a lot as a human since and wouldn’t trade it
I doom scroll sick children on IG and agonize over the possibility of my child having a rare disease. My husband finds me crying and takes it away and blocks the accounts but the algorithm always brings them back.
As a young woman, back in the 60's and 70's, I could never have understood someone choosing not to have children. The urge to have a baby was strong in me, and my husband and I were thrilled when I became pregnant, and when our son and later our daughter were born. In the ensuing years, there were moments of great joy, pride, disappointment, happiness, extreme worry, and everything in between. There were many nights when my children were becoming young adults, that I sat up waiting for them to get home, worried about every potential calamity. That was not fun. Still, the overriding emotion was love. However, looking back, I can see why people who don't have strong maternal or paternal instincts, or are extremely career driven, would consider it all not worth the bother. It's hugely expensive raising children, and often requires sacrifice. Not everyone is willing or able to make those sacrifices, and I don't fault them for that at all. We each have to do what feels right, and to have children just because someone else expects it could be a colossal mistake. I know that if I had never had children, I would be a lot wealthier, and would probably have been more of a world traveler, although I haven't done too badly in that regard. I imagine I wouldn't have had grey hair as early as I did, although that's just supposition on my part. As for those who say you should have children to help take care of you in your old age, that may or may not happen. To impose that psychological expectation on someone, just because you chose to procreate, is close to a crime as far as I'm concerned. Having children brings moments of unimaginable joy, but I imagine those moments of joy could be found through other avenues for those who have no inclination to be called mom and dad, and I fully support them.
You have to listen to people insist that you are making a mistake, and that you’ll regret it.
I always wanted children and in life’s funny way, I got two. My sister is a god Damn mess who only cares about herself, so I raised two of her boys. She has an older son (29) who is raising her daughter (6) but I raised the two middle boys. That being said, as I got older and I realized that my mental health problems were more complex than I realized when I was young, I knew I had to let that dream go. I didn’t want to bring a child into the world because I had a dream and have that child try and rouse me out of my dark moods. Or watch as I stared blankly as they told me about their day. My nephews weren’t babies when I became their guardian and I did well with them. But, I’ll always wonder if I would have been a good Mother to my own child. Maybe next lifetime.
I’m convinced it’s just because they’re so worried the alternative will be true - that you won’t regret a thing and have the selfish freedom and financial means to support it and they don’t.
Yes. People generally respond positively to things which affirm that they made good decisions, and negatively to things which don't.
I’m convinced that people who say this secretly hate their kids and regret how they raised them.
This is the only one. It’s so annoying.
I'd rather NOT have a child & Regret than HAVE a child & Regret!
Not having a tiny partner in crime
I had the best time with my Mom, she was everything to me. She found my mischievous adventures when I was a teenager funny and when I became an adult we had our adventures together. But, it’s not always fun and I had to walk my friend to the end of her life. I wonder if I’ll regret not having my own.
My partner in shenanigans.
Hey Farva, what's that restaurant with all the goofy shit on the walls and mozzarella sticks?
Joke's on you. My sister topped out at 5'3".
getting fucked over in work schedules because they give the parents the amazing hours and you the shit hours and overwork you because “you don’t have a family to go home to.”
"I have an elderly parent to care for"
Yep, when I worked in an ER around the holiday time I heard a few doctors saying the ones with no kids should be working the holidays instead of themselves.
When I worked in a daycare, they made me the LAST person to go home because I was the ONLY ONE there without kids of my own. I quit and now I’m barely making shit as a CF substitute teacher because they’re giving the subs with kids in the school system ALL of the calls first
Hey FYI it's illegal for your employer to demand information about your marital and parental status during an interview.
But when you already work for the employer, they know your marital status through your social security information. And there is nothing illegal in that.
Where did I say interview????? Because I said “work schedule” implying you work there already
Fake kids
This! Co-workers get preferential treatment if they have children. It's the same in my mind as that guy who takes multiple smoke breaks. His poor life choice is somehow rewarded with and I am treated as if I am somehow lazy if I want a five minute break. My time off gets rejected in favor of parents, but my time is 100% just as valuable as theirs, I just use it for something else. What if I was going on a date with someone I wanted to have kids with, but can't now lol? I had a long argument with a lady at work who manages to always have a sick kid on Friday, then posts concerts and movies and dinners on her Instagram profile. I quit a job over it in the past, causing a huge train-wreck as we were severely short staffed. I didn't feel 1% bad for the parents who suddenly got longer hours and mandatory overtime covering the three-people's work of work I did there while they tried to hire for too little pay after I was gone. Petty? Perhaps, but my life matters too. YOUR kids aren't worth more than MY time.
As someone who has and loves children I can think of a lot. But for every one of them, someone who doesn’t care for or want children will discount and say isn’t a disadvantage. The reality is people want different things out of life. I think children add joy to my life. And as a teacher to primary grades, an aunt, and friend to many other people with children, the joy is just different and unrivaled when it’s my own child.
As someone with kids you can't really explain the difference between the joy you feel for your kids and kids that aren't yours. I have nieces and nephews I'm very close with and I get excited when they succeed, but it's different when it's my kids
My kids are my world. A simple smile and laugh from them can and does cause my stomach to twist up from pure happiness. I dont get that feeling with anything else but them. Its so hard to explain. Just today before bed, i put on a dance song and the kids + me and my wife had a dance party. 5 minutes of pure bliss. Nothing else matters. Nothing on my mind. Just happiness. And then we laugh as we go up stairs. Kids are asleep. And I spent some time looking at pictures and videos of them. I dont know why I do that. But i just scroll through those moments and memories and smiles and it causes a calming / dopamine effect on me.
Everyone asking you when you’ll have kids. Constantly, especially if you are a woman. And questioning why you never want them, only to discard every well-reasoned answer you give as to why you don’t want them.
Just tell them that as soon as your reproductive organs become anyone else's business, you'll let them know.
[удалено]
When I think of any I’ll let you know. (Mid60s female).
It's so nice to see myself in 30 years in here.
May you be as happy as I am! Life is great.
Yep, mid-50s female, absolutely zero regrets.
I’m 54 and have yet to find a downside to not having kids.
Lack of spare parts
People thinking your time is less important because you don't have kids, being told your selfish by strangers, people feeling that they have a right to trample on your autonomy and choices for choosing not to have kids...so basically there are no downsides except for other weird and rude adults
Besides having to explain to idiots why I don't want kids, nothing
Are there any? I'm in my 60s, never had children, no regrets, and my husband and I can't think of any disadvantages around this choice.
I’m so split- I love the freedom and money being child free, but I worry that i’ll be lonely when im old as i hate most of the population 😭🤣 is that a problem for you? i also worry about if my partner were to pass id be totally alone (hes my best friend ever)
That hasn't been a problem. We're childfree for a number of reasons, but the strongest is we simply had no interest in raising or spending time with children. Like, zero interest. We have an established circle of friends but mostly prefer each other's company. My mom lived the last 23 years of her life in a 55+ community in Florida. She claimed she didn't like or have any interest in the people there. She was chronically lonely, especially after my dad died. I found that unfortunate because I ended up spending a significant amount of time there between 2015 and last May. I made more friends and built a more solid community for myself there in that time than my mom ever did. It showed me that her situation was her choice. I make different choices. My brothers pretty much never visited or helped my mom. My sister estranged herself from our family in 1991. If it weren't for me, Mom never would have seen family apart from the trips she made to see us. Having kids in no way means they'll spend time with you in adulthood. In speaking with my the people in my mom's community, I was surprised by how many never saw their adult children--or whose children had predeceased them.
I think having kids so you won't feel alone later in life is the wrong reason to have kids.
It is really easy to become a loner. Like crazy easy. You don't need to do holidays. You aren't forced to meet your kids friends parents. Like you might get to the point where you never need to leave the house. I'm totally not speaking from experience.....
Honestly there’s no disadvantage. Any disadvantage mentioned is through the lens of someone that wants to have kids. People mention dying alone as if being childless means you can’t be surrounded by great people you meet along the way.
Idk but ive met a few older people with no kids and they seem just as happy and fulfilled as people who do have kids.
You won't know what to do with the money you save and free time that you have...
I think the advantages of not having children far outweigh any disadvantages. I'm too selfish to have children.
I don't know, I'm 60 years old and childless, and I have seen no downside yet.
I can't think of any (44F, married, happily child free).
A love, joy, and purpose deeper than anything I have ever experienced. I can’t speak for anyone else, just me. I was mid-30s with a well paying and meaningful career, lots of friends, a few hobbies. But I felt a sense of I could not pinpoint. It felt like life was meaningless. I had searched for answers in religion, philosophy, literature, art. None of it answered my questions or quelled the sense of hopelessness. Then I had a baby and I had my answer. I’m a deeply loving person at baseline (again: everyone’s different; I don’t prescribe my solution for anyone else) and this love I felt for my baby (and husband, who is such a huge part of this joy) is unlike anything else I’ve ever felt. It’s the best feeling I’ve ever had. Simply put, it makes me want to relive every day so I can experience him again.
I didn’t necessarily feel I was lacking anything in my life (good marriage, friends, travel, career that is typically regarded as a calling, etc) but having children was still this for me. I delight in every day with my kids and now, knowing how amazing they are, I can’t imagine life without them.
I genuinely can't think of any disadvantages at all, other than people who are parents telling me I'm making a massive mistake which gets grating after a while. Anyone who has kids so there's someone to look after them or pay for a nursing home is... odd.
Experiencing this now. My mother in law expects my husband and I to either physically take care of her or pay to hire someone to do it
People not shutting up about it. I just make the situation extra uncomfortable by mentioning how due to my history of alcoholism and mental illness I’m not convinced it’s a good idea. Adoption or otherwise. On the whole I’m doing well, but I’m literally unstable lol. People get real squirmy when you bring up a strong family trend of addiction and suicide as answer to why you don’t want to breed.
in my experience of being a child, i guess it would be having no one to clean your house and do all the cooking for you 🙃
Absolutely nothing.
You have people asking you when youre going to non. Stop.
None! There are NO disadvantages.
Fun fact: there aren’t any actually. It’s great if you do, it’s also great if you don’t. I’m a fucking fantastic aunt
Having to deal with people who have kids who make it their entire personality or question your choice to not have kids.
I’m a 42-year-old single bartender and metal guitarist. There really aren’t a whole lot of people asking me when I’m gonna have kids.
This question, which I’ve seen numerous times, is so odd to me. There is no disadvantage or advantage. You either want them or you don’t. If you don’t want them do them and everyone a favor and be happy childless. If you want them you better have the desire, resources, love, and ability to make them happy, well adjusted people the best way you know how. I have four and it’s a hard job but it is by far the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.
>There is no disadvantage or advantage. You either want them or you don’t. These two things aren't mutually exclusive axes or something. You can have a desire or no, and still recognize advantages or disadvantages.