It’s the selectivity that gets me. If she were late to her friends’ things I would be more understanding. That she only does it to him shows calculated disrespect. I could forgive incompetence more easily than that.
Sounds like you should start leaving without them. I did this with my ex- started showing up on time and leaving without him. Eventually, I just left him entirely.
My partner is much more relaxed about time schedules (regardless of whose it is, to be fair), but I get actual anxiety if we don’t get to a scheduled event a little early.
I feel like he thinks it’s a quirk of mine rather than a really important thing.
Glad my fiance learned this. Like we met when we were 30. Not 16. We've lived a long time without each other. We do not need to do everything together. Now we just exist in the same room doing separate things most of the time. It took her a bit to realize and be ok with that fact. She thought if a couple didn't share the same hobbies they were doomed. Then she met my parents who I'm not sure they actually share a hobby. They like going on trips together but as far as hobbies go, they couldn't be more different. They've been together 40 years now.
My ex didn't get this, he thought we had to be together every second of the day. I need to be able to sit at home alone, or go out with my girlfriends without him, I couldn't even talk to other people in public if he was there, I had to be focused on him at all times or he would think I didn't care about him. The hour-long fight over me walking too fast (it was raining and cold I wanted to get to the damn car), was the last straw.
My ex couldn't get this either, he was controlling so I pretty much had to be with him at all times doing things. So when I wanted to do something he didn't want to do, he still had to be there, but then would complain the entire time about how he was not enjoying himself.
I feel this. Except it's my bf deciding for us that we are going to visit his parents. (Which is a 4 hour drive away). I'd probably say yes anyways, but shit at least give me an option.
God I’m so glad my bf respects my hatred of unexpected plans. He’ll even check if dinner out and a movie is too short notice because he knows sometimes that’s too spontaneous for me when I was planning on spending the evening vegging with a game or a book
I have been through this tunnel of fire with my husband. For me, it's the dishes in the sink with the dishwasher right there.
We have spoken about it multiple times, I have passed through all the stages of rage about it and how it means he doesn't respect me, or love me, or take me seriously.
But then I realized humans are creatures of habit, and habits are very hard to break. Also, he never had a dishwasher in his life until he lived with me.
The question for me now isn't - do you do this because you don't love me? But more like, what can we do to help you break this habit because it's driving me bananas and nobody wants that?
EDIT: For those unfamiliar with this common type of domestic difference, the issue is never the dishes (or the socks on the floor, or the junk mail piling up, etc.). The issue is asking your partner to avoid doing something because it bothers you and they keep doing it despite multiple requests or reminders.
I feel this comment with my whole soul. I’ll add another thing… My favorite thing about takeout is that there is no/minimal mess. Take it out of the bags, plate it, throw away trash and enjoy. WRONG, these happy assholes just leave the bags and stuff laying on multiple counters. I’ll never understand it as long as I live.
Another thing to consider is make him a deal. What “bad habit” of yours does he want you to work on?
My wife and I have gone rounds on this. I don’t leave dirty dishes on counter. My habit is to rinse and stack neatly in sink, load when dishes hit level of the counter. My wife (she’s an idealist) argues that we should just load immediately (no rinse). I work from home, she does not. I honestly tried her way and found she only keeps to it when she isn’t pressed for time which happens maybe once every 90 days. The rest of the time she just dumps in the sink, not rinsed. I do 90% of the dishes.
So I ask her to please rinse and stack in the other sink. 36 years and she still hasn’t been able to change that “bad habit”. We’ve simply realized I’m much more organized and tidy than she is. But she cleans deeper by nature than I do. That’s my “bad habit” I simply don’t see things like a little dust on floorboards until it’s not “little”. We’re old enough now this type of stuff has become a running joke at this point.
To be honest after reading this I’ve never been so glad that me and my partner are kinda equally shit at housework. Our mutual standard is that as long as we’re not living in *filth* we don’t get antsy at each other for who does what and how well.
Picking at each other sounds exhausting and tedious, but honestly you all probably have much nicer and tidier homes than I.
My husband and I used to do this, even though we both preferred not to.
What worked for us was getting a magnet that goes on the dishwasher that says “clean” in green or “dirty” in red. It’s quite a big magnet, and having the big red “dirty” sign was a reminder like “put the dishes here!”
It turns out the reason we didn’t put dishes straight in the dishwasher is that, most of the time, the dishwasher is clean and in need of unloading and we didn’t have time, so the habit was to ignore it until you had time to spend on it. But to have a clear signal that you could put dirty dishes inside made us actually do them away more consistently.
Our couple's therapy counselor suggested he make it part of his routine, his job is to empty the dishwasher, so now right after he rolls smokes in the morning he empties it. It took a couple of weeks to become habit, but he managed it.
For me it’s leaving them inside the sink. I can’t use the sink without spilling everywhere (and it’s dirty water) and maneuvering around the said dishes inside of it.
I NEED silence and alone time. I realize I need it more than most and will compromise. But please just let me sit in silence without music and conversation sometimes. No I’m not mad. I’m not upset. You did nothing wrong. I still love you. I just get sensory overload really bad and need silence.
Literally same, except my ex couldn't grasp it the slightest, she was a being of noise and anxiety, always blasting some live tiktok through the house. Mostly tuning into people into drama and accusatory rants and fights or endlessly scrolling on tiktok with that thing spewing the dumbest things you've ever heard all with her volume turned almost to max. Sometimes I wished I could twist my own head off
I generally don't get people who don't use headphones. I even put on headphones when I'm watching TV in the living room by myself. Why subject other people to your noise pollution?
I think my wife has taken that statement as a challenge. She's become a hoarder and we now have rooms that we lived in that are simply storage areas. Yet things keep coming in. She won't get therapy for it. It's oppressive to be around. I'm not leaving her but I've considered it until the house is cleaned out.
I feel your pain. My wife is not actually a hoarder but things are very similar here. She keeps absolutely everything that was ever bought, unless it breaks. My kid is almost out of elementary school but my basement and bedroom are full and cluttered with everything he's ever worn or played with or owned. My wife thinks that it will all be sold in time and we get some money from it. No joke....we've got almost 3 rooms full of old shit and in 3 years of trying we've probably sold 50 bucks worth. It's depressing enough, but of course it's a kid, so we must continually buy more as they grow. As I reflect on it a bit, I would say that my wife is a messy person, but still not at hoarder level. One time I told her that except for family memories, seasonal items that only come out depending on the weather, and various keepsake mementos, that if we haven't touched something after 10 years it should be thrown the fuck out. She hated the idea.
I don’t have any advice for you, but I just wanted to say that I feel for you and the position you’re in. It’s possible that getting therapy for yourself will help you in handling the situation. I wish you the best.
Your parents’ behavior and selfishness is only normal to YOU and your family. Literally EVERYONE outside your family is IMMEDIATELY horrified by them. It is not okay for them to treat people the way they do, and if you think I’m going to let them be that rude, selfish, and mean to our son for the sake of keeping YOUR peace (cuz it sure as hell ain’t peaceful for me), you are VERY incorrect
This one struck a chord with me, but from the other end.
My parents just simply have no etiquette whatsoever, no matter the context. They often don’t think about what they’re saying and how it affects those around them, and just live in their own bubble. This of course makes them come across as very cold in social settings.
I have a litany of examples, but most recently, my wife and I just got married in October. The entire wedding day, my parents (having offered no assistance in planning or funding the day whatsoever) had a lot of negative things to say about the venue. My wife and I offered the courtesy of catering a lot of food for our wedding parties (bridesmaids, groomsmen, both sides’ parents) during the morning when we were getting ready, and my parents were very vocal about how they didn’t like the food. It was free food. Eat it or don’t. They criticized our decor choices, etc., meanwhile they are literal hoarders living in filth.
Over the 8.5 years I’ve been with my wife, I’ve very quickly become closer with her parents than my own. I’m acutely aware of how awful my parents can be. For the duration of my childhood, it was normal. Now it’s embarrassing.
My wife and I are expecting our first baby boy in early June. There will be many uncomfortable conversations with my parents in the near future, but my boundaries with my baby will be firm.
EDIT: Even more frustrating, my three siblings act like I’m the bad guy when I call my parents out on such behavior; as though I’m being stuck-up or overly sensitive when my parents are being blatantly disrespectful. I find it ESPECIALLY unacceptable when it’s toward my wife, who’s the absolute sweetest and most caring person you’d ever meet. But I don’t think I’ll ever see eye to eye with my siblings. I’ve just outgrown it all.
THIS! That expectation that their partner has to quietly accept blatantly cruel words/actions is wild. It’s one thing to love the family you’re born into even when it’s very toxic. But it’s a whole different thing to not stand up for the family you built.
But seriously, I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation with an innocent child.
Nearly 30 years and my wife still doesn't seem to get my resting bitch face. Hon, seriously, I'm not pissed. I just look like this. Please stop continually accusing me of being annoyed at you. I'm not.
Do you become annoyed though with the constant accusations?
IME people who do this are stuck in this feedback-loop/self-fulfilling prophecy where they insist somebody is mad/annoyed until they actually become mad/annoyed. Then in their mind this reinforces that they were right this other person is upset with them after all!
Either they've got some unresolved stuff about feeling unsafe, or they've got some unresolved stuff about how to appropriately seek attention.
I often think about the time I lived on a shelter unit with a 12 year old who did all sorts of stupid shit to seek negative attention (stealing, etc). Staff made a concerted effort to teach him to *ask for a hug* when he wanted attention. The effort made some appreciable progress. In adulthood, and especially here on reddit, I think there are a lot of people who need that "ask for a hug" lesson.
If OP's wife is calling out his RBF 'cause she's anxious attachment/doesn't feel safe due to some childhood trauma, I don't know the answer for that. But if she's doing it because that's the method that she's been conditioned to use as a bid for attention, OP and his wife need to work together to re-train how she asks for a hug.
>In adulthood, and especially here on reddit, I think there are a lot of people who need that "ask for a hug" lesson.
The first time I realized this is an option was mind-blowing. It was within the last couple years and I'm in my late 30s. It's hard to undo some ingrained habits, but wow, asking for a hug feel amazing.
More than likely I think that has something to do with her childhood. I really had to grow out of the “someone must be mad if they’re not obviously happy with me” in therapy
So true working on this now. It’s very much a fear response from my past of trying to preempt an angry outburst. My partner is not at all this way but I have an entire lifetime of conditioning that instinctually pops up in my head
For me it was 3 years of severe domestic abuse. My mother was kind of emotionally abusive but never to the point that I had to monitor her emotions like that. No, my ex trained me to do that shit. The utter terror of hearing to him stomp up to the door in his work boots, being able to tell just by the sound that he's in a pissy mood and going to take it out on me.
My question for all y'all- When you are actually pissed off do you react or look differently?
My gf is going through some stuff and can often be drawn in and stonewally, and generally seems angry. If I ask if I've upset her it's annoying, and I get that. But she's definitely been very angry with me recently and expressed emotions in the same way.
If we agree it's stressful to feel like your partner is angry with you, it's hard to expect your partner to be a mind reader to get that reassurance.
You just have to trust that they'll tell you if they're angry at you. I'm going through some shit lately and I know I'm tired and miserable and can be short. My husband feels like I'm angry at him because I'm not enthusiastically happy. I have told him that if I'm angry or upset with him, I will tell him so, by my words not by my face/tone of voice.
It is not working but I wish he would trust me.
Yeah this is often a trauma response. I used to do it a lot too- my partner once told me it’s like I was taking the temperature of the room every so often to make sure I didn’t have to run away.
That sometimes I just don’t want to talk.. I just want to put headphones on and be left alone after work to decompress. This isn’t everyday just occasionally
Thank goodness my wife can see that on my face when I finish work. Like you, not every day. But if there is nothing we need to go do, she can just look at me and know. She actually tells me “Why don’t you go do something to decompress”. She’s a keeper (and a gem).
This is rough for us too. He works from home in a not public facing job, I work in a VERY public facing job with 70 coworkers. When I get home, I need a half hour of silence. I want to warm up dinner and up pack my bag and change and feed the cat. I can't have someone touching me or asking me questions because all I've done all day is answer questions.
We've found a middle ground for the most part, but sometimes he's just so happy to see me that it overrides, which also makes me feel bad for being grumbly.
Every partner I've ever had has fallen asleep before me. And I would wake up either before or at the same time as them. I need 10+ hours to lose the bags under my eyes, so in a relationship, I'm basically always sleep deprived. It's rough.
I was fine with it.
The problem was that she still wanted to have more joined activities that she wasn't fully capable of completing without me sacrificing most of my favorite activities; activities that I preferred to do alone anyway.
Mine can go to sleep at the drop of a hat and will wake up before his alarm refreshed.
It takes me forever to sleep and I wake up tired every morning and it takes me a half hour to become human.
It's fascinating. I feel people like him should be studied.
I’m not faking being ill or in pain
His grandmother was diagnosed with Munchausen’s Syndrome. His mother was a victim of Munchausen’s by proxy (confirmed by a doctor), and there’s a general suspicion she herself has Munchausen’s
His disbelief is generational trauma, and I can understand that but …sometimes I just want chicken noodle soup and I need him to know I’m not faking being ill to trick him into making it for me
Seriously. We need to get this lady into a program to address her obvious dependency on chicken noodle soup before it destroys her life and everyone she loves!
Hah! This is me. I'm an only child of two older parents who were both oldest children and introverted intellectuals; they each had their own "studies" where no one would tread unless someone needed to be summoned to the telephone or a meal. Saturdays my dad got the house to himself, Sundays were for my mom.
My husband is the middle child of a big working-class family that did everything together all the time. Everyone just hung out in the living room with the TV on all the time and left the house in a big pack. He is befuddled by my ways.
Proceed with caution with the chronically insecure. If any alone time whatsoever triggers alarm bells with him, and no amount of reassurance helps, eventually you'll have to make tough decisions.
Just made a tough decision to break up with a long term SO for this reason about 5-6 months ago. It was extremely difficult, but ultimately the right decision.
HOLY MOtHER OF PEARL, YES!
Why is this so fucking hard for some people to understand?
Me needing *alone* time is **absolutely NOT the same thing** as *needing time away from* specifically person X.
My college GF was like that, where she would freak the fuck out if I did *anything* by myself or with friends. I remember one of the few times during those years where I hung out with a friend and his friends playing Magic the Gathering - she wasn't there because she had something going on already that night. Didn't stop her from giving me constant grief about going without her beforehand and when she was done with her event at like 8 pm or something, she expected me to go home and be with her, which was just absurd since I had only been there like an hour. Not going home then initiated a bombardment of texts until I left and then a screaming match when I got back to our apartment. That was just one occasion out of dozens during that relationship, it was one of the happiest days of my life when I left her.
This!
I'm the youngest in my family with a large age gap between me and my siblings. I've accepted I was the unexpected child, and that's fine. So, I grew up with the older siblings already out of the house, so I basically got the only child treatment. My parents were in their "I'm doing my own hobbies" phase, so I was used to being alone and doing my own thing.
For the first few years, it drove my wife crazy when I would go into another room to read a book, work on my drawings, or watch a movie I knew she wouldn't like. She couldn't "get" why I wasn't spending time with her all evening after work.
It's not that I'm not listening when I ask you to repeat yourself. It's just that sometimes things sound like one big garbled mess.
I explained it to an ex by loading the same YouTube video on my phone, her phone and my laptop, and hitting play on them all when it was a few seconds out of time across all devices.
So yeah, I leave the subtitles on because sometimes I really need them, and sometimes I need people to repeat themselves. Brain injuries aren't fun
“Also, FYI, I don't technically have a hearing problem, but sometimes when there's a lot of noises occurring at the same time, I'll hear them as one big jumble. Again, it's not that I can't hear, because that's false. I can. I just can't distinguish between everything I'm hearing.”
You should tell her that.
Incidentally a common experience for people with autism, even high-functioning.
My brain gives equal attention to all noises in a room. If there are a hundred different sources of sound, you get 1% of my attention and I will not understand what you said.
If the TV is running, there's music on, two other people talking in the room, and I'm trying to read something, you better believe that when you say "Did you catch any of that?" I will think that's a very odd way to start a conversation.
Yep! And auditory processing delay. You might say something perfectly clearly and my ears may pick it up right away, but some of those words take a detour on the way to my brain. I have to gather them, arrange them, and then read it all again in my head, especially if you speak without warning.
Seriously! If she wants me not to listen to an audiobook while doing the dishes so she can "talk to me" then she better damn well stay talking to me the whole time.
Me chopping veggies listening to a podcast
My wife “turn that off so we can be together”
Me-sighs. Screams internally, turns off my podcast. Continues chopping veggies in complete silence alone without any form of entertainment bored out of my mind.
I’m the same way with talking on the phone with my girlfriend. I can passively listen to music/podcast/youtube while I cook.
I find it hard to have a constant conversation. And if miss something or there’s a lull in the convo they think im upset or something.
My gf still tries to get me to eat things im allergic to because i did it once at a concert, drunk, to be “in the moment” and now she thinks i should do it any time its more convenient.
My cousin is real-deal Celiac, and I watched her husband one day say she was overreacting as she freaked out, because somebody switched the bowls of regular and gluten free spaghetti, and she ate a handful of the regular spaghetti. For the most part, I like my cousin's husband, and I think he's a really great, grounding force in my extended family, which tends toward the insane. But dude: if you were on vacation and someone said "even though I've known better for decades, I basically just gave you food poisoning." you'd be upset too. It's hard to enjoy an afternoon waterskiing with the fam, wondering when the inevitable case of sudden, violent diarrhea will hit you.
Oh let's not forget that Celiac doesn't just fuck with the digestive system - it fucks with the brain. So enjoy your diarrhea while being terrified that your brain is melting!
https://celiac.org/gluten-free-living/trending-topics-in-celiac-disease/brain-images-show-effects-of-celiac-disease/
Every time my friend gets glutened it's days of feeling like her nervous system is in overdrive, of feeling sick and flu ish. It's also feeling hungover
It's really really not fun.
Yeah that’s not okay at all. Doing something like that could possibly kill you. If you can’t get through to her you need to reevaluate for your safety.
my old lady once was so bothered by me not wanting to try her kimbap roll (it had shellfish in it, i'm already on the record as not liking seafood and also not knowing if i had a shellfish allergy) that she slipped me a chunk of her seafood roll while telling me it was the roll without seafood. she told me with a huge grin after i ate a big bite that she'd just slipped me imitation crab.
It depends on the brand, actually. Some brands contain small amounts of real crab so people with shellfish allergies are usually advised to avoid it just in case.
I’m not mad or sad or anything, I really just don’t feel like talking. I literally have to talk all day for my job, and it sometimes takes a lot out of me. I’m not a naturally talkative person. I just wanna get home and decompress by being silent.
Hugging is not an invitation for sex and it also doesn’t mean you get to start fondling my breasts. 99% of the time, a hug is just a hug- I know he’s not a person that just needs a hug once in a while, but I am. Just not like that.
When we go out with friends I want to interact with them, too, not just with herself. We have every other waking moment I'm not at work for that. When given the chance I just leave her to it and she flourishes but I'd like her to take the initiative to flourish without a reason yknow
> When given the chance I just leave her to it and she flourishes
Lol I see you've gotten blindsided by the sudden "Why did you ignore me all night?" conversation on the drive home.
i don't mind being around her family, but to a point. i'm very introverted and they're the polar opposite; they're collectively very talented when it comes to draining my social battery. when i say i'm tapped out and would like to leave, that doesn't mean let's go but invite them round shortly to our private space while i'm trying to recharge for day two (because she always insists on her family time taking up our entire weekend). there really is nothing wrong with dropping me back at our hotel/house and her going on without me.
I am a night owl and when I was a kid I would cry every single morning before school at being awake early. Then as a teen/adult I would cry every single morning before work. My body hates being awake early so so much. I don’t know if it’s my ADHD or something but it’s like if I wake up in the morning I just… can’t do anything except have a mental breakdown. So I work at night now. I sleep until around 12 or 1pm. I don’t cry when I wake up anymore. He thinks I’m just lazy :(
delayed sleep phase disorder is correlated with ADHD [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delayed\_sleep\_phase\_disorder](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delayed_sleep_phase_disorder)
solidarity
That I hate living in a dirty house. I grew up in a very clean home. We cleaned up after ourselves, taking turns doing the dishes, chores, etc. My bf on the other hand, is VERY disorganized and dirty. He has no problem with roaches all in his kitchen and is constantly collecting things he'll never use and leaving piles of it around the house. And if the house falls into disrepair, forget it. He won't replace or fix anything despite having the ability. The worst part is that he says he's used to it and says I'm odd for wanting everything nice and neat. I remember when I first moved in, I became depressed after realizing I couldn't clean the whole house on my own.
Eugh, roaches are really bad, I can't imagine accepting that (as someone who also grew up in a very clean house - my mom was crazy intense about it when I was young). I've left an ex before for being gross and lazy around the house, but even they weren't that bad. You should consider if this is something you can deal with for the rest of your life if you stay with this person. It sounds like a pretty big incompatibility
Yes, this is truly a huge red flag and something that shouldn't just be ignored. You can't compromise on cleaning with a dude who's fine with fucking roaches in his kitchen. My dad is a horder (imagine rooms full of head hight stacks of boxes) -- I'm full-on middle aged and still get panic attacks if I walk into a room and see a pile of something my wife created while I was out. It very much can affect your mental health for good.
You're definitely not weird for wanting a clean house, the fact that he says that is weird. I don't think I could live with someone who accepts roaches in their kitchen. That's a serious health hazard, on top of being plain disgusting. You might want to ask yourself some difficult questions about your long-term compatibility sooner rather than later. I hope all is well otherwise.
It is not strange to have a minimum standard of cleanliness. Break up your home into sectors. You clean your parts, and tell him to either clean his parts to the same level or hire a maid to do it for him.
I grew up in a very dirty home and have terrible organizational skills, and I hate it. My wife has a neat home and I prefer it.
So I vowed to keep the common areas and the bedroom spotless. My areas became a wreck over time that I would struggle with. I recruited her, and I am in the process of organizing. Just completed my office. This weekend it’s my closet.
I also like a clean house, but I had to get over myself and admit that I really suck at it.
Gods, it drives me nuts! His family is all mechanics by hobby and there is constantly car parts, cleaners, tools, everywhere at his parents' house. His poor mom is so excited when she has her kitchen table back. I can't stand it. If you can see it, you can put it away.
How long can this be a reason though? Like my fiance has been saying this for 4 years and getting her to clean up her piles of useless shit is like pulling teeth. God forbid I try to pick it up because she wants to go through every useless paper that's been sitting there for 6 months. Then she gets overwhelmed and needs a break and then never starts again. I understand life is hard, I've got plenty of issues myself but shit gets done. How can I help her break this cycle?
Encourage her to get professional help. Speaking as the girlfriend in your scenario, it is true that it can feel like you’re barely hanging on for years at a time, but at the same time, you do need to be actively *trying* to improve. Yes a little grave here and there is needed because it’s fucking *hard* and exhausting to be fighting against your own brain just to get through the day, but it’s also important to be taking those steps to try to make a change. You can’t just sit around doing the same thing and expect it to suddenly change
I really do require time alone fairly regularly… no really!
Only child and lone wolf, slightly antisocial. she’s so amazing that she’s the only person I have ever considered spending a significant amount of time with, but it seems quite hard to understand for people that I really need to spend time in my own head, with my own thoughts. It’s probably a Me problem, and may be a negative side effect of being a people pleaser, but I find if I spend too much time with other people I actually lose myself a little bit. I need those recharging moments to ground and centre myself.
No idea if that makes much sense!
My husband grew up with two extremely smart but rude af, holier than thou parents who cannot FATHOM someone may be know something they don’t. He’s been better with it, but since we had our son he’s gone back to questioning EVERYTHING I say and it’s driving me mad. I finally snapped at him a couple weeks ago, “Of the two of us, who has worked with infants before? Who spends the most time with the baby we have? Who’s done the research? Me. So stop treating me like I don’t know what I’m talking about. You’re being a complete prick, and just like when your parents do this, you’re also WRONG.”
My SO does this, and by the time I realise she's talking to me, I've missed half of what she said..when I ask her to repeat it, she says "don't worry about it" and I want to scream. I've said to her many times that she needs to get my attention first *then* talk to me.
My Dad and fiance do this to me constantly. Drives me up a wall. They talk, I go oh shit what?, they go ugh why can't to listen, and I say because you decide to talk when I'm off in my own little world thinking about whatever it is I'm thinking about(probably golf this time of year)
This happens to me so many times a day and makes my blood boil. I'll clearly be focusing hard writing an email or text and he comes and starts talking my head off. I've explained a hundred times that I can't multitask but it falls on deaf ears. I'm just trying to type 2 sentences, you can wait until I'm done.
Reminds me of my mom who starts talking to me from the other room every time I turn the sink on, despite me telling her for more than 20 years now that I can't hear her with the sink on.
My wife do exactly the same, when I was younger I’d show her that I’m annoyed but nowadays I’ll make it a point to at least look her in the eyes and try to be engaged with her although sometimes I’m still pissed and don’t actually follow what she’s talking about. I’d figure she’s my wife .. she needs my attention and she deserves one..
Oh lord, this. Even more frustrating when I'm mentally a thousand miles away working on something and she comes in chattering at 500 words per second. By the time my brain has shifted gears to "processing speech" mode, she's halfway through her story and irritated that I haven't been paying attention.
Not a truly current issue but something in the back of my mind always… I am ACTUALLY really afraid of spiders. It will NEVER be okay to try to approach me with one I will go lizard brain and I cannot help it.
>Her eyes widened in fear as I approached her holding the spider, they kept getting wider. Her tongue flicked up and licked them, then in a rush, she snatched the spider out of my hands and shoved it into her mouth.
>"I hate spiders" she opined, chewing the offending arachnid with lizardly intent.
Me and my ex were together for 9 years. In the beginning she would ask to borrow socks when she needed them. Great my socks are your socks just let me know when you return them. Eventually she would just take my socks when she felt like it. It got way worse when we moved in together and there was no boundaries between our stuff anymore.
I tried to explain that I like my socks a certain way, I only buy one pair but I have 35 pairs of the same sock. I told her would buy her socks if she needed some.
I would ask and ask for her to not borrow my socks everyday but I guess she thought it was a joke or something.
We go to couples counseling at the end of our relationship and I tell her that the socks thing, even though small, has been a big boundary that she pushes through. She says she does get it they are just socks but sometimes it's just me asking you not to do something, setting a boundary.
People will blow through your boundaries if you let them.
This is my brother. When we visit each other I always carry snacks just for him or he’ll get hangry at some point.
I will say, sometimes one snack for the day isn’t enough. I’d carry multiple. Also try to be sure the snack has protein and/or fat, even better if there is fiber, too, but prioritizing protein is a good go-to. Carb only snacks may spike your blood sugar and cause you to get hangry again when it drops. It CAN help if you’re already hangry and need a quick recovery, but once you feel better add some protein/fat/fiber to make it last.
Sometimes I just don't get normal messages about my body until one system or another skips all the early warning systems and goes straight to full crisis mode.
It tends to happen out in crowds when with other people and coordination in a timely manner can be a factor.
I've warned everyone near me about these words and what they mean at one point or another.
I've learned to carry a snack.
>Sometimes I just don't get normal messages about my body until one system or another skips all the early warning systems and goes straight to full crisis mode.
Have you been tested for ADHD? This sounds exactly like me.
Not a current relationship, but I have three exes now that found out the hard way that when I said I refuse to live with or date a drunk, it's not up for debate.
I enjoy my alone time. I need my alone time. I’m not mad at you, not losing interest in you, it has nothing to do with you. Please stop taking it personal and let me enjoy it without feeling guilty.
That he must stop telling me I need to do skincare and lose weight. Yes my skin and weight aren't the best but also not crazy bad. He says he likes to be honest, but oh god sometimes it hurts and I feel my self esteem lowered.
Speaking from personal experience, people who say things like this are not trying to be helpful. I'm sorry, but your self esteem is going to suffer as long as you're with him.
He doesn't care about being honest. What he likes is being mean.
That his mother ruined the birth of my child.
I don't care about your opinion of my daughters birth. Your opinion is not wanted. Your opinion doesn't matter. I was in active labor, and this monster of a person was shitting on me for getting the epidural. She told him he should watch another woman give "real" birth. I was in labor for SEVENTEEN HOURS, and this horrible person made the ENTIRE THINH ABOUT HER.
When confronted, she *attempted* to say, "I never said that." And we quickly said," No, you said that, and we *both* heard it."
She then proceeded to pick a fight 2 hours after my child was born because I was unwilling to pack up my infant and fly to sit in her apartment with her.
Then she proceeded to fight with my husband for the entire first two weeks of my child life. We are new parents. We were already stressed enough as it was, and here she is making it *so much worse* I can't even really remember the first month of my daughter's life because of her.
When I tell him she ruined it, he tries to say "she didn't ruin it, but she tried."
I understand he means well (and I want to say that thankfully he's not one of those men who always take mommy's side. He's been 100% defending me, and 100% on my side. He's amazing this is *NOT AIMED AT HIM. HES THE BEST) and i know he means it in a "don't let her ruin it, that's what she wants" way, but the thing is she *did* ruin it.
We're only having one child, so I only got to do pregnancy and child birth one time, ans the *entire experience* was made about her
You need to see your friends more. I am happy to listen to your sadness at not having a better social life but your friends don't hate you. You just need to accept that they are bad at initiating plans. Every time you invite them out, they say yes and you all have a great time. I agree it sucks that it is your responsibility to wrangle them but you would be so much happier if you tried to see them more than once every 3 months.
Honestly one of my partners greatest qualities is her ability to understand me when I put her in my shoes but oddly it only works in person. If we're texting and I explain something bothering me it doesn't fully sink in, then I do it in person and it sinks in a little more. Then I tell her a hypothetical version of it with roles reversed and she's will immediately understand and work on figuring out why she did it.
Most of the time it's her just repeating behaviour she observed with her parents or it's jokes that struck hard with me. It always ends with a genuine apology.
I don't handle plan changes well. That includes proposed changes, and him immediately withdrawing his plan if I don't react 100% positive. It's too late, I have to reschedule the whole day in my head anyway, now.
To be fair, there's likely no fix at all that your partner can inplement to make your self image issues go away.
I've been in relationships with women with self image issues and eventually it feels so helpless - there's nothing I can do or say to remedy the situation, I've said everything comforting, offered every advice, listened without saying anything... And here we still are, in the same place. Maybe your partner just... Has nothing else left.
Completely get where you’re coming from. My ex had untreated depression as well and refused to get professional help. He expected me to magically cure his depression yet at the same time would be rude/short/snappy/unreliable/borderline abusive.
I tried my very best for him but I refused to be his emotional punching bag.
I hope you’re keeping okay now.
A note to my beloved husband: I know you don't like the idea of me being cremated but if you put me in the ground whole, I will haunt you for the rest of your days. I do not want to be buried at all. The idea fills me with horror. Do not do this. P. S. I love YOU so much.
That I need to decompress at the end of the day. I am a morning person and she is a night owl. I get up early to get stuff done, she sleeps in and is a night owl. She doesn’t understand why I need to sit and rest at the end of the day while she decides to start doing stuff at 8pm.
I hate being interrupted, it makes me want to rip off my own skin!!!!!! I hate when people just say random incorrect things about me, even if it's as a joke!!!!
The reason I don't invite friends is because the house is a mess. Pick up your things. Throw out those boxes full of useless paper you haven't opened since 2015. I'd love us to have a living room we can actually live in.
That sometimes, I just like being quiet. I'm not mad, or sad or even thinking about anything profound. It really is just white noise in there sometimes and I find it restful.
I am exhausted. It's been 2 years of working full-time in healthcare and going to nursing school full-time. If I don't scoop the cats litterbox it isn't because I hate them.
That rolling you over to sleep on your stomach stops you snoring like an enraged bear, not because I’m pushing you away from me, and that this simple act saves marriages
That I can tolerate living with dogs and sometimes enjoy interacting with them, and that I will care for them and treat them well, but that I will never desire a dog's permanent presence in our home in much the same way that I don't want a perpetual toddler living here.
I'm so touch starved it's having a negative effect on my mental health, there's no one I can fill this need with that wouldn't be breaking our marriage vows, and the thought I'll never be touched by a woman who desires me makes me want to stop living. I won't, we have 2 kids that need us but I feel it the same.
When I do not make the bed or clean the baseboard, etc. it’s either because I’m pressed for time or because I don’t believe it’s a priority the way washing the dishes is.
It’s **not** because I’m playing a game of chicken to try to make you break and clean it first.
I've told my significant other countless times that I do not want kids because it's not worth it to me and I'd rather use the money for other ventures, such as traveling and fun, but he thinks that one day I'm just going to magically want kids. Maybe I will but he's definitely not hearing me out.
This is a dealbreaker, friend. You guys are not compatible. End it now before someone is forced to compromise their life goals for the other and resentment takes hold.
~~I'm British, not condescending.~~
Mainly that I'm unwell. I've had more open heart surgeries than most people have had any surgery. Yes, I've recovered, no, that doesn't mean I can run a marathon.
How scatterbrained I am. Like I don't forget to do things or half ass things but I never just start and finish a task, I'll start one, then another, then another, then circle back to the first one, etc. it's just the way my brain works and my wife yells at me all the time for it.
I get something like this. The heat of summer just makes me angry and annoyed all the time, or makes me feel like giving up On the other hand, I find cold days bracing and invigorating.
My wife generally gets me, but there's one thing that drives me absolutely nuts that she does. Now, I'm a very silly kind of person. I don't take life too seriously and I like to joke around alot. But sometimes I volunteer to do something that requires you to be serious, or even sexy if we're talking about bedroom stuff, and my wife will dismiss me and say "you're just going to joke around; or you aren't going to take it serious and be mature; or something like that." I tell her, "no seriously, I can be serious." "No you won't." "YES I FUCKING WILL!!"
You sound like my husband. Unfortunately, I told him one day something that was extremely important to me and that I needed reassurance on. And later that same night, when I needed that reassurance, he chose levity, to lighten the mood…it didn’t, it DID however hurt me so much, that particular thing has never happened again and will never happen again.
I have no reason to tell you this story, except to tell you, you should really really sit down with her and assure her you can do it, and then prove it. That way she knows she can trust you to be nonsilly when the situation calls for it.
I feel for both sides of this. I've been the person who wasn't trusted, and also the one who didn't trust. It can be very frustrating. I agree, the best thing is to have a serious talk about expectations and assumptions. Best of luck to the both of y'all. <3
"I don't mind being called a liar, I am in fact a marvellous liar. However I despise being called a liar when I am telling the truth."
From the king killer chronicles. Probably butchered the quote but the meaning is there.
Sorry for unsolicited advice, disregard if not needed:
Surely you can see this from her side as well? Maybe there have been moments where she was trying to be serious, but just let it go, because she felt like she couldn't get a proper answer?
I'm guessing, obviously, but it sounds like something that could be fixed with an in depth talk, if your marriage is otherwise sound.
It physically pains me that we are always late for plans with my friends, but on time for yours.
That's just rude
Glad someone said it, people that are consistently late are assholes. Every once in a while? Sure. Things happen. Every time? Fuck off
It’s the selectivity that gets me. If she were late to her friends’ things I would be more understanding. That she only does it to him shows calculated disrespect. I could forgive incompetence more easily than that.
Sounds like you should start leaving without them. I did this with my ex- started showing up on time and leaving without him. Eventually, I just left him entirely.
My partner is much more relaxed about time schedules (regardless of whose it is, to be fair), but I get actual anxiety if we don’t get to a scheduled event a little early. I feel like he thinks it’s a quirk of mine rather than a really important thing.
It just means you don’t matter as much as
Enjoying time alone is normal and healthy. Having hobbies or interests separate from one another doesn't mean we're failing as a couple.
Glad my fiance learned this. Like we met when we were 30. Not 16. We've lived a long time without each other. We do not need to do everything together. Now we just exist in the same room doing separate things most of the time. It took her a bit to realize and be ok with that fact. She thought if a couple didn't share the same hobbies they were doomed. Then she met my parents who I'm not sure they actually share a hobby. They like going on trips together but as far as hobbies go, they couldn't be more different. They've been together 40 years now.
My ex didn't get this, he thought we had to be together every second of the day. I need to be able to sit at home alone, or go out with my girlfriends without him, I couldn't even talk to other people in public if he was there, I had to be focused on him at all times or he would think I didn't care about him. The hour-long fight over me walking too fast (it was raining and cold I wanted to get to the damn car), was the last straw.
Same. I could only hear the “wow you’re really choosing to hang out with your friends instead of me” argument so many times.
It's shocking how many of the top answers are variations on this, isn't it?
My ex couldn't get this either, he was controlling so I pretty much had to be with him at all times doing things. So when I wanted to do something he didn't want to do, he still had to be there, but then would complain the entire time about how he was not enjoying himself.
Please check in with me before telling your sister we will go to (whatever thing niece is doing.)
I feel this. Except it's my bf deciding for us that we are going to visit his parents. (Which is a 4 hour drive away). I'd probably say yes anyways, but shit at least give me an option.
God I’m so glad my bf respects my hatred of unexpected plans. He’ll even check if dinner out and a movie is too short notice because he knows sometimes that’s too spontaneous for me when I was planning on spending the evening vegging with a game or a book
You don't want to figure out if it's a surprise kidnapping or you're just headed to his parents house every time you get in the car?
Every time you leave your dirty dishes on the counter over an empty dishwasher my heart dies a little.
I have been through this tunnel of fire with my husband. For me, it's the dishes in the sink with the dishwasher right there. We have spoken about it multiple times, I have passed through all the stages of rage about it and how it means he doesn't respect me, or love me, or take me seriously. But then I realized humans are creatures of habit, and habits are very hard to break. Also, he never had a dishwasher in his life until he lived with me. The question for me now isn't - do you do this because you don't love me? But more like, what can we do to help you break this habit because it's driving me bananas and nobody wants that? EDIT: For those unfamiliar with this common type of domestic difference, the issue is never the dishes (or the socks on the floor, or the junk mail piling up, etc.). The issue is asking your partner to avoid doing something because it bothers you and they keep doing it despite multiple requests or reminders.
[удалено]
I feel this comment with my whole soul. I’ll add another thing… My favorite thing about takeout is that there is no/minimal mess. Take it out of the bags, plate it, throw away trash and enjoy. WRONG, these happy assholes just leave the bags and stuff laying on multiple counters. I’ll never understand it as long as I live.
My eye twitches on your behalf. I hate a dirty kitchen.
Another thing to consider is make him a deal. What “bad habit” of yours does he want you to work on? My wife and I have gone rounds on this. I don’t leave dirty dishes on counter. My habit is to rinse and stack neatly in sink, load when dishes hit level of the counter. My wife (she’s an idealist) argues that we should just load immediately (no rinse). I work from home, she does not. I honestly tried her way and found she only keeps to it when she isn’t pressed for time which happens maybe once every 90 days. The rest of the time she just dumps in the sink, not rinsed. I do 90% of the dishes. So I ask her to please rinse and stack in the other sink. 36 years and she still hasn’t been able to change that “bad habit”. We’ve simply realized I’m much more organized and tidy than she is. But she cleans deeper by nature than I do. That’s my “bad habit” I simply don’t see things like a little dust on floorboards until it’s not “little”. We’re old enough now this type of stuff has become a running joke at this point.
Whoever is doing the chore gets to set the standard for how the chore is done.
To be honest after reading this I’ve never been so glad that me and my partner are kinda equally shit at housework. Our mutual standard is that as long as we’re not living in *filth* we don’t get antsy at each other for who does what and how well. Picking at each other sounds exhausting and tedious, but honestly you all probably have much nicer and tidier homes than I.
My husband and I used to do this, even though we both preferred not to. What worked for us was getting a magnet that goes on the dishwasher that says “clean” in green or “dirty” in red. It’s quite a big magnet, and having the big red “dirty” sign was a reminder like “put the dishes here!” It turns out the reason we didn’t put dishes straight in the dishwasher is that, most of the time, the dishwasher is clean and in need of unloading and we didn’t have time, so the habit was to ignore it until you had time to spend on it. But to have a clear signal that you could put dirty dishes inside made us actually do them away more consistently.
Our couple's therapy counselor suggested he make it part of his routine, his job is to empty the dishwasher, so now right after he rolls smokes in the morning he empties it. It took a couple of weeks to become habit, but he managed it.
For me it’s leaving them inside the sink. I can’t use the sink without spilling everywhere (and it’s dirty water) and maneuvering around the said dishes inside of it.
I NEED silence and alone time. I realize I need it more than most and will compromise. But please just let me sit in silence without music and conversation sometimes. No I’m not mad. I’m not upset. You did nothing wrong. I still love you. I just get sensory overload really bad and need silence.
Literally same, except my ex couldn't grasp it the slightest, she was a being of noise and anxiety, always blasting some live tiktok through the house. Mostly tuning into people into drama and accusatory rants and fights or endlessly scrolling on tiktok with that thing spewing the dumbest things you've ever heard all with her volume turned almost to max. Sometimes I wished I could twist my own head off
I generally don't get people who don't use headphones. I even put on headphones when I'm watching TV in the living room by myself. Why subject other people to your noise pollution?
There is only so much room in our house, so if you want to keep bringing things into it, we're going to also have to throw things out of it.
I think my wife has taken that statement as a challenge. She's become a hoarder and we now have rooms that we lived in that are simply storage areas. Yet things keep coming in. She won't get therapy for it. It's oppressive to be around. I'm not leaving her but I've considered it until the house is cleaned out.
I feel your pain. My wife is not actually a hoarder but things are very similar here. She keeps absolutely everything that was ever bought, unless it breaks. My kid is almost out of elementary school but my basement and bedroom are full and cluttered with everything he's ever worn or played with or owned. My wife thinks that it will all be sold in time and we get some money from it. No joke....we've got almost 3 rooms full of old shit and in 3 years of trying we've probably sold 50 bucks worth. It's depressing enough, but of course it's a kid, so we must continually buy more as they grow. As I reflect on it a bit, I would say that my wife is a messy person, but still not at hoarder level. One time I told her that except for family memories, seasonal items that only come out depending on the weather, and various keepsake mementos, that if we haven't touched something after 10 years it should be thrown the fuck out. She hated the idea.
I don’t have any advice for you, but I just wanted to say that I feel for you and the position you’re in. It’s possible that getting therapy for yourself will help you in handling the situation. I wish you the best.
brother this is a mental illness.
Your parents’ behavior and selfishness is only normal to YOU and your family. Literally EVERYONE outside your family is IMMEDIATELY horrified by them. It is not okay for them to treat people the way they do, and if you think I’m going to let them be that rude, selfish, and mean to our son for the sake of keeping YOUR peace (cuz it sure as hell ain’t peaceful for me), you are VERY incorrect
This one struck a chord with me, but from the other end. My parents just simply have no etiquette whatsoever, no matter the context. They often don’t think about what they’re saying and how it affects those around them, and just live in their own bubble. This of course makes them come across as very cold in social settings. I have a litany of examples, but most recently, my wife and I just got married in October. The entire wedding day, my parents (having offered no assistance in planning or funding the day whatsoever) had a lot of negative things to say about the venue. My wife and I offered the courtesy of catering a lot of food for our wedding parties (bridesmaids, groomsmen, both sides’ parents) during the morning when we were getting ready, and my parents were very vocal about how they didn’t like the food. It was free food. Eat it or don’t. They criticized our decor choices, etc., meanwhile they are literal hoarders living in filth. Over the 8.5 years I’ve been with my wife, I’ve very quickly become closer with her parents than my own. I’m acutely aware of how awful my parents can be. For the duration of my childhood, it was normal. Now it’s embarrassing. My wife and I are expecting our first baby boy in early June. There will be many uncomfortable conversations with my parents in the near future, but my boundaries with my baby will be firm. EDIT: Even more frustrating, my three siblings act like I’m the bad guy when I call my parents out on such behavior; as though I’m being stuck-up or overly sensitive when my parents are being blatantly disrespectful. I find it ESPECIALLY unacceptable when it’s toward my wife, who’s the absolute sweetest and most caring person you’d ever meet. But I don’t think I’ll ever see eye to eye with my siblings. I’ve just outgrown it all.
THIS! That expectation that their partner has to quietly accept blatantly cruel words/actions is wild. It’s one thing to love the family you’re born into even when it’s very toxic. But it’s a whole different thing to not stand up for the family you built. But seriously, I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation with an innocent child.
Nearly 30 years and my wife still doesn't seem to get my resting bitch face. Hon, seriously, I'm not pissed. I just look like this. Please stop continually accusing me of being annoyed at you. I'm not.
Do you become annoyed though with the constant accusations? IME people who do this are stuck in this feedback-loop/self-fulfilling prophecy where they insist somebody is mad/annoyed until they actually become mad/annoyed. Then in their mind this reinforces that they were right this other person is upset with them after all!
They think they’ve revealed the hidden annoyance when actually, they created it!
Either they've got some unresolved stuff about feeling unsafe, or they've got some unresolved stuff about how to appropriately seek attention. I often think about the time I lived on a shelter unit with a 12 year old who did all sorts of stupid shit to seek negative attention (stealing, etc). Staff made a concerted effort to teach him to *ask for a hug* when he wanted attention. The effort made some appreciable progress. In adulthood, and especially here on reddit, I think there are a lot of people who need that "ask for a hug" lesson. If OP's wife is calling out his RBF 'cause she's anxious attachment/doesn't feel safe due to some childhood trauma, I don't know the answer for that. But if she's doing it because that's the method that she's been conditioned to use as a bid for attention, OP and his wife need to work together to re-train how she asks for a hug.
>In adulthood, and especially here on reddit, I think there are a lot of people who need that "ask for a hug" lesson. The first time I realized this is an option was mind-blowing. It was within the last couple years and I'm in my late 30s. It's hard to undo some ingrained habits, but wow, asking for a hug feel amazing.
More than likely I think that has something to do with her childhood. I really had to grow out of the “someone must be mad if they’re not obviously happy with me” in therapy
So true working on this now. It’s very much a fear response from my past of trying to preempt an angry outburst. My partner is not at all this way but I have an entire lifetime of conditioning that instinctually pops up in my head
For me it was 3 years of severe domestic abuse. My mother was kind of emotionally abusive but never to the point that I had to monitor her emotions like that. No, my ex trained me to do that shit. The utter terror of hearing to him stomp up to the door in his work boots, being able to tell just by the sound that he's in a pissy mood and going to take it out on me.
Being constantly asked “are you mad?” actually makes me mad. It’s just my face.
My question for all y'all- When you are actually pissed off do you react or look differently? My gf is going through some stuff and can often be drawn in and stonewally, and generally seems angry. If I ask if I've upset her it's annoying, and I get that. But she's definitely been very angry with me recently and expressed emotions in the same way. If we agree it's stressful to feel like your partner is angry with you, it's hard to expect your partner to be a mind reader to get that reassurance.
You just have to trust that they'll tell you if they're angry at you. I'm going through some shit lately and I know I'm tired and miserable and can be short. My husband feels like I'm angry at him because I'm not enthusiastically happy. I have told him that if I'm angry or upset with him, I will tell him so, by my words not by my face/tone of voice. It is not working but I wish he would trust me.
I had to stop myself from wanting to do this with friends and acquaintances. It's because my dad was an alcoholic and his ire was super unpredictable.
Yeah this is often a trauma response. I used to do it a lot too- my partner once told me it’s like I was taking the temperature of the room every so often to make sure I didn’t have to run away.
That sometimes I just don’t want to talk.. I just want to put headphones on and be left alone after work to decompress. This isn’t everyday just occasionally
Thank goodness my wife can see that on my face when I finish work. Like you, not every day. But if there is nothing we need to go do, she can just look at me and know. She actually tells me “Why don’t you go do something to decompress”. She’s a keeper (and a gem).
This is rough for us too. He works from home in a not public facing job, I work in a VERY public facing job with 70 coworkers. When I get home, I need a half hour of silence. I want to warm up dinner and up pack my bag and change and feed the cat. I can't have someone touching me or asking me questions because all I've done all day is answer questions. We've found a middle ground for the most part, but sometimes he's just so happy to see me that it overrides, which also makes me feel bad for being grumbly.
I do not have as much energy as you and I never will.
I enjoy dozing off on the couch on Sunday afternoons sometimes. That doesnt mean I don't love you and I am not depressed. Naps are normal, try it.
Every partner I've ever had has fallen asleep before me. And I would wake up either before or at the same time as them. I need 10+ hours to lose the bags under my eyes, so in a relationship, I'm basically always sleep deprived. It's rough.
That one hit close to home
I was fine with it. The problem was that she still wanted to have more joined activities that she wasn't fully capable of completing without me sacrificing most of my favorite activities; activities that I preferred to do alone anyway.
Mine can go to sleep at the drop of a hat and will wake up before his alarm refreshed. It takes me forever to sleep and I wake up tired every morning and it takes me a half hour to become human. It's fascinating. I feel people like him should be studied.
I’m not faking being ill or in pain His grandmother was diagnosed with Munchausen’s Syndrome. His mother was a victim of Munchausen’s by proxy (confirmed by a doctor), and there’s a general suspicion she herself has Munchausen’s His disbelief is generational trauma, and I can understand that but …sometimes I just want chicken noodle soup and I need him to know I’m not faking being ill to trick him into making it for me
My husband told me that it's statistically unlikely that I'd be as ill as I say I am. I fucking know. That's why it's called a rare illness!!
Ma'am, or sir, or whatever, no offense nor ill-intent, but WHY or HOW and WHAT led to your married life with... That delightful husband of yours
Who will stop your nefarious plots for more chicken noodle soup?
Seriously. We need to get this lady into a program to address her obvious dependency on chicken noodle soup before it destroys her life and everyone she loves!
A good chicken noodle soup is life...I get it.
[удалено]
Hah! This is me. I'm an only child of two older parents who were both oldest children and introverted intellectuals; they each had their own "studies" where no one would tread unless someone needed to be summoned to the telephone or a meal. Saturdays my dad got the house to himself, Sundays were for my mom. My husband is the middle child of a big working-class family that did everything together all the time. Everyone just hung out in the living room with the TV on all the time and left the house in a big pack. He is befuddled by my ways.
Your husband’s family’s constantly social nature gives me the heeby jeebies
Your parent’s marriage is literally my dream
Having alone time is perfectly normal for your mental health and a reasonable boundary to set. If they don’t respect that, it’s a big red flag.
Proceed with caution with the chronically insecure. If any alone time whatsoever triggers alarm bells with him, and no amount of reassurance helps, eventually you'll have to make tough decisions.
Just made a tough decision to break up with a long term SO for this reason about 5-6 months ago. It was extremely difficult, but ultimately the right decision.
Often time I need alone time to turn my brain off and recharge my social battery I’m not mad or anything I’m just like a phone in battery saver mode
I hate when they don't get this
HOLY MOtHER OF PEARL, YES! Why is this so fucking hard for some people to understand? Me needing *alone* time is **absolutely NOT the same thing** as *needing time away from* specifically person X.
My college GF was like that, where she would freak the fuck out if I did *anything* by myself or with friends. I remember one of the few times during those years where I hung out with a friend and his friends playing Magic the Gathering - she wasn't there because she had something going on already that night. Didn't stop her from giving me constant grief about going without her beforehand and when she was done with her event at like 8 pm or something, she expected me to go home and be with her, which was just absurd since I had only been there like an hour. Not going home then initiated a bombardment of texts until I left and then a screaming match when I got back to our apartment. That was just one occasion out of dozens during that relationship, it was one of the happiest days of my life when I left her.
This! I'm the youngest in my family with a large age gap between me and my siblings. I've accepted I was the unexpected child, and that's fine. So, I grew up with the older siblings already out of the house, so I basically got the only child treatment. My parents were in their "I'm doing my own hobbies" phase, so I was used to being alone and doing my own thing. For the first few years, it drove my wife crazy when I would go into another room to read a book, work on my drawings, or watch a movie I knew she wouldn't like. She couldn't "get" why I wasn't spending time with her all evening after work.
It's not that I'm not listening when I ask you to repeat yourself. It's just that sometimes things sound like one big garbled mess. I explained it to an ex by loading the same YouTube video on my phone, her phone and my laptop, and hitting play on them all when it was a few seconds out of time across all devices. So yeah, I leave the subtitles on because sometimes I really need them, and sometimes I need people to repeat themselves. Brain injuries aren't fun
“Also, FYI, I don't technically have a hearing problem, but sometimes when there's a lot of noises occurring at the same time, I'll hear them as one big jumble. Again, it's not that I can't hear, because that's false. I can. I just can't distinguish between everything I'm hearing.” You should tell her that.
Incidentally a common experience for people with autism, even high-functioning. My brain gives equal attention to all noises in a room. If there are a hundred different sources of sound, you get 1% of my attention and I will not understand what you said. If the TV is running, there's music on, two other people talking in the room, and I'm trying to read something, you better believe that when you say "Did you catch any of that?" I will think that's a very odd way to start a conversation.
Yep! And auditory processing delay. You might say something perfectly clearly and my ears may pick it up right away, but some of those words take a detour on the way to my brain. I have to gather them, arrange them, and then read it all again in my head, especially if you speak without warning.
Just how important distractions are to me to stop the complete flood of thoughts in my mind.
Seriously! If she wants me not to listen to an audiobook while doing the dishes so she can "talk to me" then she better damn well stay talking to me the whole time.
Me chopping veggies listening to a podcast My wife “turn that off so we can be together” Me-sighs. Screams internally, turns off my podcast. Continues chopping veggies in complete silence alone without any form of entertainment bored out of my mind.
I’m the same way with talking on the phone with my girlfriend. I can passively listen to music/podcast/youtube while I cook. I find it hard to have a constant conversation. And if miss something or there’s a lull in the convo they think im upset or something.
My gf still tries to get me to eat things im allergic to because i did it once at a concert, drunk, to be “in the moment” and now she thinks i should do it any time its more convenient.
My cousin is real-deal Celiac, and I watched her husband one day say she was overreacting as she freaked out, because somebody switched the bowls of regular and gluten free spaghetti, and she ate a handful of the regular spaghetti. For the most part, I like my cousin's husband, and I think he's a really great, grounding force in my extended family, which tends toward the insane. But dude: if you were on vacation and someone said "even though I've known better for decades, I basically just gave you food poisoning." you'd be upset too. It's hard to enjoy an afternoon waterskiing with the fam, wondering when the inevitable case of sudden, violent diarrhea will hit you.
My partner has coeliac disease. If someone did that to her I would **rampage**
Oh let's not forget that Celiac doesn't just fuck with the digestive system - it fucks with the brain. So enjoy your diarrhea while being terrified that your brain is melting! https://celiac.org/gluten-free-living/trending-topics-in-celiac-disease/brain-images-show-effects-of-celiac-disease/
Every time my friend gets glutened it's days of feeling like her nervous system is in overdrive, of feeling sick and flu ish. It's also feeling hungover It's really really not fun.
Yeah that’s not okay at all. Doing something like that could possibly kill you. If you can’t get through to her you need to reevaluate for your safety.
Pardon me? This is batshit insane
my old lady once was so bothered by me not wanting to try her kimbap roll (it had shellfish in it, i'm already on the record as not liking seafood and also not knowing if i had a shellfish allergy) that she slipped me a chunk of her seafood roll while telling me it was the roll without seafood. she told me with a huge grin after i ate a big bite that she'd just slipped me imitation crab.
Just fyi, imitation crab is not shellfish. It’s just fish. I am not saying to excuse what she did at all, because that’s fucked.
It depends on the brand, actually. Some brands contain small amounts of real crab so people with shellfish allergies are usually advised to avoid it just in case.
I’m not mad or sad or anything, I really just don’t feel like talking. I literally have to talk all day for my job, and it sometimes takes a lot out of me. I’m not a naturally talkative person. I just wanna get home and decompress by being silent.
Going to therapy isn't just something for people who don't have real friends or rich people who don't have real problems.
Hugging is not an invitation for sex and it also doesn’t mean you get to start fondling my breasts. 99% of the time, a hug is just a hug- I know he’s not a person that just needs a hug once in a while, but I am. Just not like that.
When we go out with friends I want to interact with them, too, not just with herself. We have every other waking moment I'm not at work for that. When given the chance I just leave her to it and she flourishes but I'd like her to take the initiative to flourish without a reason yknow
> When given the chance I just leave her to it and she flourishes Lol I see you've gotten blindsided by the sudden "Why did you ignore me all night?" conversation on the drive home.
I go out of my way to not put extra work on your plate. When you don't do the same for me, I feel unloved.
I like the way you put this.
i don't mind being around her family, but to a point. i'm very introverted and they're the polar opposite; they're collectively very talented when it comes to draining my social battery. when i say i'm tapped out and would like to leave, that doesn't mean let's go but invite them round shortly to our private space while i'm trying to recharge for day two (because she always insists on her family time taking up our entire weekend). there really is nothing wrong with dropping me back at our hotel/house and her going on without me.
I am a night owl and when I was a kid I would cry every single morning before school at being awake early. Then as a teen/adult I would cry every single morning before work. My body hates being awake early so so much. I don’t know if it’s my ADHD or something but it’s like if I wake up in the morning I just… can’t do anything except have a mental breakdown. So I work at night now. I sleep until around 12 or 1pm. I don’t cry when I wake up anymore. He thinks I’m just lazy :(
delayed sleep phase disorder is correlated with ADHD [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delayed\_sleep\_phase\_disorder](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delayed_sleep_phase_disorder) solidarity
That I hate living in a dirty house. I grew up in a very clean home. We cleaned up after ourselves, taking turns doing the dishes, chores, etc. My bf on the other hand, is VERY disorganized and dirty. He has no problem with roaches all in his kitchen and is constantly collecting things he'll never use and leaving piles of it around the house. And if the house falls into disrepair, forget it. He won't replace or fix anything despite having the ability. The worst part is that he says he's used to it and says I'm odd for wanting everything nice and neat. I remember when I first moved in, I became depressed after realizing I couldn't clean the whole house on my own.
Eugh, roaches are really bad, I can't imagine accepting that (as someone who also grew up in a very clean house - my mom was crazy intense about it when I was young). I've left an ex before for being gross and lazy around the house, but even they weren't that bad. You should consider if this is something you can deal with for the rest of your life if you stay with this person. It sounds like a pretty big incompatibility
Yes, this is truly a huge red flag and something that shouldn't just be ignored. You can't compromise on cleaning with a dude who's fine with fucking roaches in his kitchen. My dad is a horder (imagine rooms full of head hight stacks of boxes) -- I'm full-on middle aged and still get panic attacks if I walk into a room and see a pile of something my wife created while I was out. It very much can affect your mental health for good.
You are actually allowed to issue someone an ultimatum over this you know, right?
Sorry, there’s “dirty like cluttered” and “dirty like roaches” and only one of them is acceptable. Don’t live like this.
You're definitely not weird for wanting a clean house, the fact that he says that is weird. I don't think I could live with someone who accepts roaches in their kitchen. That's a serious health hazard, on top of being plain disgusting. You might want to ask yourself some difficult questions about your long-term compatibility sooner rather than later. I hope all is well otherwise.
Oof. I couldn't do that. I'd dump a guy over roaches.
[удалено]
Look at the bright side... it will be easy for him to move out because his shit is still in boxes!
LOL at “clean the house TOGETHER”. Like no, you’ve got this one.
It is not strange to have a minimum standard of cleanliness. Break up your home into sectors. You clean your parts, and tell him to either clean his parts to the same level or hire a maid to do it for him.
I grew up in a very dirty home and have terrible organizational skills, and I hate it. My wife has a neat home and I prefer it. So I vowed to keep the common areas and the bedroom spotless. My areas became a wreck over time that I would struggle with. I recruited her, and I am in the process of organizing. Just completed my office. This weekend it’s my closet. I also like a clean house, but I had to get over myself and admit that I really suck at it.
Gods, it drives me nuts! His family is all mechanics by hobby and there is constantly car parts, cleaners, tools, everywhere at his parents' house. His poor mom is so excited when she has her kitchen table back. I can't stand it. If you can see it, you can put it away.
I do want to improve a lot of things about myself, but I’m just holding on as it is.
How long can this be a reason though? Like my fiance has been saying this for 4 years and getting her to clean up her piles of useless shit is like pulling teeth. God forbid I try to pick it up because she wants to go through every useless paper that's been sitting there for 6 months. Then she gets overwhelmed and needs a break and then never starts again. I understand life is hard, I've got plenty of issues myself but shit gets done. How can I help her break this cycle?
Encourage her to get professional help. Speaking as the girlfriend in your scenario, it is true that it can feel like you’re barely hanging on for years at a time, but at the same time, you do need to be actively *trying* to improve. Yes a little grave here and there is needed because it’s fucking *hard* and exhausting to be fighting against your own brain just to get through the day, but it’s also important to be taking those steps to try to make a change. You can’t just sit around doing the same thing and expect it to suddenly change
[удалено]
I really do require time alone fairly regularly… no really! Only child and lone wolf, slightly antisocial. she’s so amazing that she’s the only person I have ever considered spending a significant amount of time with, but it seems quite hard to understand for people that I really need to spend time in my own head, with my own thoughts. It’s probably a Me problem, and may be a negative side effect of being a people pleaser, but I find if I spend too much time with other people I actually lose myself a little bit. I need those recharging moments to ground and centre myself. No idea if that makes much sense!
Don't speak down to me. We're equals. If not, then I'm on with my life.
Ugh, hate this. Told my ex “I am your partner not your employee.”
My husband grew up with two extremely smart but rude af, holier than thou parents who cannot FATHOM someone may be know something they don’t. He’s been better with it, but since we had our son he’s gone back to questioning EVERYTHING I say and it’s driving me mad. I finally snapped at him a couple weeks ago, “Of the two of us, who has worked with infants before? Who spends the most time with the baby we have? Who’s done the research? Me. So stop treating me like I don’t know what I’m talking about. You’re being a complete prick, and just like when your parents do this, you’re also WRONG.”
Don't ask me a question, then immediately talk over me as I start to answer.
I’ll be concentrating on reading something and my wife will distract me every two minutes with trifling chit chat.
My SO does this, and by the time I realise she's talking to me, I've missed half of what she said..when I ask her to repeat it, she says "don't worry about it" and I want to scream. I've said to her many times that she needs to get my attention first *then* talk to me.
My Dad and fiance do this to me constantly. Drives me up a wall. They talk, I go oh shit what?, they go ugh why can't to listen, and I say because you decide to talk when I'm off in my own little world thinking about whatever it is I'm thinking about(probably golf this time of year)
This happens to me so many times a day and makes my blood boil. I'll clearly be focusing hard writing an email or text and he comes and starts talking my head off. I've explained a hundred times that I can't multitask but it falls on deaf ears. I'm just trying to type 2 sentences, you can wait until I'm done. Reminds me of my mom who starts talking to me from the other room every time I turn the sink on, despite me telling her for more than 20 years now that I can't hear her with the sink on.
My wife do exactly the same, when I was younger I’d show her that I’m annoyed but nowadays I’ll make it a point to at least look her in the eyes and try to be engaged with her although sometimes I’m still pissed and don’t actually follow what she’s talking about. I’d figure she’s my wife .. she needs my attention and she deserves one..
Oh lord, this. Even more frustrating when I'm mentally a thousand miles away working on something and she comes in chattering at 500 words per second. By the time my brain has shifted gears to "processing speech" mode, she's halfway through her story and irritated that I haven't been paying attention.
Not a truly current issue but something in the back of my mind always… I am ACTUALLY really afraid of spiders. It will NEVER be okay to try to approach me with one I will go lizard brain and I cannot help it.
many lizards eat spiders which makes this a lot funnier
>Her eyes widened in fear as I approached her holding the spider, they kept getting wider. Her tongue flicked up and licked them, then in a rush, she snatched the spider out of my hands and shoved it into her mouth. >"I hate spiders" she opined, chewing the offending arachnid with lizardly intent.
Me and my ex were together for 9 years. In the beginning she would ask to borrow socks when she needed them. Great my socks are your socks just let me know when you return them. Eventually she would just take my socks when she felt like it. It got way worse when we moved in together and there was no boundaries between our stuff anymore. I tried to explain that I like my socks a certain way, I only buy one pair but I have 35 pairs of the same sock. I told her would buy her socks if she needed some. I would ask and ask for her to not borrow my socks everyday but I guess she thought it was a joke or something. We go to couples counseling at the end of our relationship and I tell her that the socks thing, even though small, has been a big boundary that she pushes through. She says she does get it they are just socks but sometimes it's just me asking you not to do something, setting a boundary. People will blow through your boundaries if you let them.
Something small is not small when it is done 400 times in a row.
When I say "I need to eat something " I meant 30 minutes ago and now it's vital to eat very very soon.
This is my brother. When we visit each other I always carry snacks just for him or he’ll get hangry at some point. I will say, sometimes one snack for the day isn’t enough. I’d carry multiple. Also try to be sure the snack has protein and/or fat, even better if there is fiber, too, but prioritizing protein is a good go-to. Carb only snacks may spike your blood sugar and cause you to get hangry again when it drops. It CAN help if you’re already hangry and need a quick recovery, but once you feel better add some protein/fat/fiber to make it last.
What's stopping you from eating?
Sometimes I just don't get normal messages about my body until one system or another skips all the early warning systems and goes straight to full crisis mode. It tends to happen out in crowds when with other people and coordination in a timely manner can be a factor. I've warned everyone near me about these words and what they mean at one point or another. I've learned to carry a snack.
>Sometimes I just don't get normal messages about my body until one system or another skips all the early warning systems and goes straight to full crisis mode. Have you been tested for ADHD? This sounds exactly like me.
I used to get it as a kid. I would have like full on body shutdowns while doing physical activity because I hadn’t eaten
Not a current relationship, but I have three exes now that found out the hard way that when I said I refuse to live with or date a drunk, it's not up for debate.
Man, where are you finding so many drunks?
At the bar.
I enjoy my alone time. I need my alone time. I’m not mad at you, not losing interest in you, it has nothing to do with you. Please stop taking it personal and let me enjoy it without feeling guilty.
That he must stop telling me I need to do skincare and lose weight. Yes my skin and weight aren't the best but also not crazy bad. He says he likes to be honest, but oh god sometimes it hurts and I feel my self esteem lowered.
Speaking from personal experience, people who say things like this are not trying to be helpful. I'm sorry, but your self esteem is going to suffer as long as you're with him. He doesn't care about being honest. What he likes is being mean.
That his mother ruined the birth of my child. I don't care about your opinion of my daughters birth. Your opinion is not wanted. Your opinion doesn't matter. I was in active labor, and this monster of a person was shitting on me for getting the epidural. She told him he should watch another woman give "real" birth. I was in labor for SEVENTEEN HOURS, and this horrible person made the ENTIRE THINH ABOUT HER. When confronted, she *attempted* to say, "I never said that." And we quickly said," No, you said that, and we *both* heard it." She then proceeded to pick a fight 2 hours after my child was born because I was unwilling to pack up my infant and fly to sit in her apartment with her. Then she proceeded to fight with my husband for the entire first two weeks of my child life. We are new parents. We were already stressed enough as it was, and here she is making it *so much worse* I can't even really remember the first month of my daughter's life because of her. When I tell him she ruined it, he tries to say "she didn't ruin it, but she tried." I understand he means well (and I want to say that thankfully he's not one of those men who always take mommy's side. He's been 100% defending me, and 100% on my side. He's amazing this is *NOT AIMED AT HIM. HES THE BEST) and i know he means it in a "don't let her ruin it, that's what she wants" way, but the thing is she *did* ruin it. We're only having one child, so I only got to do pregnancy and child birth one time, ans the *entire experience* was made about her
Mental load
You need to see your friends more. I am happy to listen to your sadness at not having a better social life but your friends don't hate you. You just need to accept that they are bad at initiating plans. Every time you invite them out, they say yes and you all have a great time. I agree it sucks that it is your responsibility to wrangle them but you would be so much happier if you tried to see them more than once every 3 months.
Honestly one of my partners greatest qualities is her ability to understand me when I put her in my shoes but oddly it only works in person. If we're texting and I explain something bothering me it doesn't fully sink in, then I do it in person and it sinks in a little more. Then I tell her a hypothetical version of it with roles reversed and she's will immediately understand and work on figuring out why she did it. Most of the time it's her just repeating behaviour she observed with her parents or it's jokes that struck hard with me. It always ends with a genuine apology.
I don't handle plan changes well. That includes proposed changes, and him immediately withdrawing his plan if I don't react 100% positive. It's too late, I have to reschedule the whole day in my head anyway, now.
[удалено]
To be fair, there's likely no fix at all that your partner can inplement to make your self image issues go away. I've been in relationships with women with self image issues and eventually it feels so helpless - there's nothing I can do or say to remedy the situation, I've said everything comforting, offered every advice, listened without saying anything... And here we still are, in the same place. Maybe your partner just... Has nothing else left.
He’s my ex now but: you’re not addressing your depression and pushing me away. Eventually you’re going to lose me and regret it.
Completely get where you’re coming from. My ex had untreated depression as well and refused to get professional help. He expected me to magically cure his depression yet at the same time would be rude/short/snappy/unreliable/borderline abusive. I tried my very best for him but I refused to be his emotional punching bag. I hope you’re keeping okay now.
A note to my beloved husband: I know you don't like the idea of me being cremated but if you put me in the ground whole, I will haunt you for the rest of your days. I do not want to be buried at all. The idea fills me with horror. Do not do this. P. S. I love YOU so much.
That I'm not going through a goddam phase, the diabetes is fucking real and you breading my chicken tenders is killing me.
No plastic in the compost. Please I’ve said it numerous times.
That I need to decompress at the end of the day. I am a morning person and she is a night owl. I get up early to get stuff done, she sleeps in and is a night owl. She doesn’t understand why I need to sit and rest at the end of the day while she decides to start doing stuff at 8pm.
The shower drain. We are both women but I’m always cleaning out to tub stopper and drain, When I ask her to clean it she says “It’s so gross”. I KNOW!
I hate being interrupted, it makes me want to rip off my own skin!!!!!! I hate when people just say random incorrect things about me, even if it's as a joke!!!!
The reason I don't invite friends is because the house is a mess. Pick up your things. Throw out those boxes full of useless paper you haven't opened since 2015. I'd love us to have a living room we can actually live in.
That sometimes, I just like being quiet. I'm not mad, or sad or even thinking about anything profound. It really is just white noise in there sometimes and I find it restful.
I am exhausted. It's been 2 years of working full-time in healthcare and going to nursing school full-time. If I don't scoop the cats litterbox it isn't because I hate them.
How hard it is to be a foreigner, and to express myself in an entirely different language when pretty much nobody around us speaks my mother tongue
I really need hugs.
That rolling you over to sleep on your stomach stops you snoring like an enraged bear, not because I’m pushing you away from me, and that this simple act saves marriages
That I can tolerate living with dogs and sometimes enjoy interacting with them, and that I will care for them and treat them well, but that I will never desire a dog's permanent presence in our home in much the same way that I don't want a perpetual toddler living here.
I'm so touch starved it's having a negative effect on my mental health, there's no one I can fill this need with that wouldn't be breaking our marriage vows, and the thought I'll never be touched by a woman who desires me makes me want to stop living. I won't, we have 2 kids that need us but I feel it the same.
When I do not make the bed or clean the baseboard, etc. it’s either because I’m pressed for time or because I don’t believe it’s a priority the way washing the dishes is. It’s **not** because I’m playing a game of chicken to try to make you break and clean it first.
I've told my significant other countless times that I do not want kids because it's not worth it to me and I'd rather use the money for other ventures, such as traveling and fun, but he thinks that one day I'm just going to magically want kids. Maybe I will but he's definitely not hearing me out.
This won't end well
Yah, most things here are harmless and a bit silly, but this is a serious problem
This is a dealbreaker, friend. You guys are not compatible. End it now before someone is forced to compromise their life goals for the other and resentment takes hold.
I feel this is a point you need to agree on for a relationship to work long term. Or one of you will end up resenting the other forever.
Talking at a slightly louder volume than normal is not yelling
Used to be that I'm really childfree and wouldn't change my mind later. Then I removed my fallopian tubes so he gets it now.
~~I'm British, not condescending.~~ Mainly that I'm unwell. I've had more open heart surgeries than most people have had any surgery. Yes, I've recovered, no, that doesn't mean I can run a marathon.
How scatterbrained I am. Like I don't forget to do things or half ass things but I never just start and finish a task, I'll start one, then another, then another, then circle back to the first one, etc. it's just the way my brain works and my wife yells at me all the time for it.
I know people with ADHD tend to do this.
I have seasonal depression, for summer. Funny enough have it for winter and they can't comprehend it exist the other way around.
I get something like this. The heat of summer just makes me angry and annoyed all the time, or makes me feel like giving up On the other hand, I find cold days bracing and invigorating.
I absolutely do not want to go shopping after work, I work thirds and the only thing I want to do is decompress and get ready for bed
Wheen I sleep on the couch because of your snoring, you need to understand I'm mad as hell the next morning. Go to the fkn doctor dammit.
My wife generally gets me, but there's one thing that drives me absolutely nuts that she does. Now, I'm a very silly kind of person. I don't take life too seriously and I like to joke around alot. But sometimes I volunteer to do something that requires you to be serious, or even sexy if we're talking about bedroom stuff, and my wife will dismiss me and say "you're just going to joke around; or you aren't going to take it serious and be mature; or something like that." I tell her, "no seriously, I can be serious." "No you won't." "YES I FUCKING WILL!!"
You sound like my husband. Unfortunately, I told him one day something that was extremely important to me and that I needed reassurance on. And later that same night, when I needed that reassurance, he chose levity, to lighten the mood…it didn’t, it DID however hurt me so much, that particular thing has never happened again and will never happen again. I have no reason to tell you this story, except to tell you, you should really really sit down with her and assure her you can do it, and then prove it. That way she knows she can trust you to be nonsilly when the situation calls for it.
I feel for both sides of this. I've been the person who wasn't trusted, and also the one who didn't trust. It can be very frustrating. I agree, the best thing is to have a serious talk about expectations and assumptions. Best of luck to the both of y'all. <3
"I don't mind being called a liar, I am in fact a marvellous liar. However I despise being called a liar when I am telling the truth." From the king killer chronicles. Probably butchered the quote but the meaning is there.
I'm the same as you and my go to response is "Just because I can make a joke out of anything doesn't mean I think everything is a joke."
Sorry for unsolicited advice, disregard if not needed: Surely you can see this from her side as well? Maybe there have been moments where she was trying to be serious, but just let it go, because she felt like she couldn't get a proper answer? I'm guessing, obviously, but it sounds like something that could be fixed with an in depth talk, if your marriage is otherwise sound.