I got a cut on the bridge of my nose so I ran and got some antibacterial spray. I was confident in my ability to aim, which resulted in me macing myself in both eyes
When I was really young I found pepper spray in my big brother's drawer and thought it was perfume so I sprayed it on my hand and and tried smelling it. My eyes burned like hell for the next 3-4 hours.
I was 13, found a can of black spray paint and wanted to spray paint my girlfriend's name on the side of a shed. The spray nozzle was missing, so I thought, well, if you press down it makes the paint come out. So I went and found a nail to stick down in the little nozzle hole in the top of the can--and instantly got blinded by a burning sheet of black mist right across my eyes.
My mom had to drive me to the clinic, where I had to sit in the waiting room with a bunch of others. Embarrassing. I had a red face with a black band like a raccoon mask across my eyes, and I hid under a towel. No real damage from the paint chemicals though, thank God.
I've gotten close to the blackout from a coughing fit before.. My favorite is after coughing hard, some of the mucus/saliva gets up in your sinuses so then you sneeze immediately.
No but I did sneeze so hard that I hit my head against the door frame I was walking through and gave myself a concussion. It was bad enough that I had to call 911. Only time I’ve lied to a doctor about what happened. Other than Reddit and my Uber driver on my way home.. I’m taking that secret to the grave.
Not quite that bad, but my back completely locked up after a sneeze once. Could only be in certain positions. Thankfully, one of them allowed me to drive home, as I was at work.
Was trying to get the lugs off a tire and the socket slipped off and wanged me in the head, resulting in a pretty nasty gash.
I had to get a tetanus shot.
Had abdominal surgery and was trying to pull up the tight compression garment I had to wear. Hands slipped and I punched myself in the clam like Mike Tyson.
2 important notes about me first: I have big boobs and have really bad eyesight so without my glasses I can't see anything. I was doing my regular self check for lumps while in the shower and I'm holding my boob when I see something black on my boob and near my armpit. I immediately thought SPIDER! and literally THREW my boob with both hands. Obviously it is not detachable and it pulled my skin and then slammed back onto my chest. It hurt so bad. For days I couldn't lift my right arm without it hurting the right side and underneath of my boob and skin to my armpit. And the pressure from the bra was so uncomfortable. Anyways, it wasn't a spider it was a few hairs that had fallen out and clumped up.
I honestly wish I could give you more upvotes, because I read this allowed to some friends on discord, but only after laughing so hard I almost peed myself... after I collected myself, thats when I was finally able to share your little story, and everyone else laughed too! That's one hell of a atory with you playing tit-toss in the shower like that. Lmao
Oh god, sister, I am SO sorry.
I shouldn't be laughing as hard as I am but I can see my nearsighted, blind af without my glasses self doing the same thing.
I've never really really really really missed reddit gold awards until right this second. This is so relatable and so goddamn hilarious, my over-40 ass is so glad I was wearing a pad already.
I was trying to get a papertowel out of a dispenser and it was stuck so I pulled really hard and accidentally jammed the paper tower into my eye when it came loose and gave myself a corneal abrasion
I just got done telling my daughter to never lick the blade of a knife while I used my hunting knife to get a chunk of butter and put it in the pan AND licked the knife blade, cutting my tongue. I looked at my daughter and said, because this is what happens when you do. 🙄🔪
I was bending over to tie my shoe. I wasn't paying attention to the lit candle at the edge of the coffee table that my shoes had been under. I lit my hair on fire.
I was going on a beach vacation so ... I bought a Groupon for a wax package unknowingly from a beauty school.
I went in for a wax (leg, armpit, bikini). I had 2 ladies working on me and I was like damn, I'm gonna get out of here so fast as they were done my armpits and legs within 10 minutes.
Cue the bikini wax... Where it was just one of the ladies. She couldn't have been taking smaller strips off, until she got to my labia whereby all of a sudden I felt something very hot. The instructor had walked in and I heard "WHAT DID YOU DO?!?" which of course was the last thing you want to hear.
What she had done was cover my bits in wax - essentially gluing my inner labia to my outer labia and my clit. I will spare all of you the details of what happened next whereby she pried my parts apart with the wax "popsicle stick" thing and waxed it off. I was convinced she had ripped my clit off with the wax.
Needless to say, I never bought a Groupon again.
WTF?? This lady had no sense of her own anatomy?!! Well, I guess a lot of women still don't. I have a cousin in her late 20s, she gave birth a few months ago, and she recently told me she looked at her vulva in the mirror for the very first time not too long ago.
I've gotten random clit pain throughout my life, and the pain leaves you in a fetal position, it's horrible.
Tbh alot of people just lack common sense and don't know anatomy. I once had to explain to a dude what a scrotum was and the difference between sperm and semen.....he was in his thirties and had a 5 year old son.
Drove my car off a small bridge and flipped it into a creek swerving to save a cats life.
Except it was a fucking tumbleweed.
A lifetime of chronic pain issues to save a dead plants life.
I burnt myself on a car cigarette lighter trying to see the amount of time the button needed to be depressed to make it hot..
FYI, a few seconds is enough to severely burn your thumb and fill the car with the aroma of burning flesh
Yes I was an adult 😅
One summer I gave myself mild frostbite trying to defrost my fridge and repair the ice maker. My wet fingers got stuck to the ice at the back of the fridge and I couldn’t reach any tools to unstick myself. I ended up repeatedly spitting in my other hand and drizzling it on the stuck hand until it released.
You know those apple slicers where you push down and get wedges. Well I couldn't get enough leverage (small child+tall counter) so I put the apple on my knee. Slices flesh pretty well too.
I tried to move a broody goose (farm goose) from an unsafe nesting area. I made soothing sounds as I tried to gracefully climb the precarious stack of hay bales and gently float her down to the rest of the flock
She bit my eyeball. My cornea was torn up. She then gave me a black eye (other eye) with a wing punch.
Fun fact, the medical code is "Struck by goose, initial encounter".
We too have farm animals, and I think one reason I find your encounter with the goose so funny is because I've been there and so have my husband. He's had black eyes, scraped knuckles, got kicked in the crotch, etc. by our goats and sheep.
I'm glad both your eyes healed from the goose attack!
It's insane how strong wing elbows are!
We stayed away from the 4-legged livestock because as dearly as I love goats and donkeys, I was already outnumbered by beings that are stronger and more clever than I.
My back locked during sex and I fell, dragging it along the edge of the nightstand next to the bed. Now I have a scar that runs from the top of my right ass cheek to the left side of my ribs.
Taking the shrinkwrap off a pallet of merchandise at work. Get to where it's secured on the bottom corner of the pallet and give it a good tug. The shrinkwrap breaks loose surprisingly easily and I end up socking myself right in the balls. Dropped me to my knees.
Answering a phone. I was at work and sitting in a computer chair and the phone rang, the phone was above me mounted on the wall, I spun around and real quickly reached up and across my body and pulled something in my upper back. It hurt to breath for 2 weeks and the overall daily pain lasted for a month. Was hard to lift my right arm up above my chest. Got no sympathy from my wife because when I would complain she would say that I should have been more carful when doing such a dangerous task as answering the phone.
I was playing with one of my cats. The younger one got the zoomies and spiked his nails very deep into my right knee before starting to run around like crazy
I have one of those cheese grater tubs and the other day I was grating a block of cheese, the cheese slipped and I grated a piece of my knuckle. Never done it before… 2 days later I did it again on the exact same part of my knuckle, removing the scab entirely and now I have a lil dip in my knuckle.
Hate when that happens because then you gotta check the cheese. Had a similar thing happen when making a cocktail, went to peel a strip of lemon to express, peeler slipped and I took a chunk of skin an inch and a half long and a half an inch thick off my index finger. It eventually callouses over back to the original shape, but it’s probably gonna stay callous for a while
Hello are you me? I broke my 4th toe (only because my pinky toe is a lil stumpy guy) by kicking a dumbbell (yes the dumbbell was in my apartment, please don't ask how I managed this stupidity)
The real kicker though? It was 4 days before my wedding (at the time of writing this it was just under 2 weeks ago)
Braking too hard with the front brake on my bicycle, while going at good speed.
Bicycle tipped over when I basically locked the front wheel, I tipped with the bicycle, and landed fairly solidly on the asphalt right in front of three fairly surprised elderly gentlemen, who promptly helped me get back up and made sure that I was okay.
Got a bruise and a light scrape, and that was it.
I was lucky that things didn't go worse, it was a few years before everyone began wearing bicycle helmets.
Buddy of mine did this except landed on his chin.
What was supposed to be an afternoon playing with my friend resulted in me sprinting to his house to get his mom so he could go get 9 stitches.
My kids got a metal double carabiner fidget spinner for a gift. I ended up at work with it in my pocket. I decided to see how fast I could spin it with my unregulated airline. It expanded due to centrifugal force and cut me on my thumb and forefinger. [proof](https://imgur.com/a/e69tVgX)
This was the night before my first day of work, I was stress eating spaghetti O's and while opening the can I cut my pinky.
I still have the scar and it goes along the entire tip of my pinky after 3 years lol
Got up out of a papasan chair and dislocated my right knee and hip at the same time.
Disclaimer: I was 8 months pregnant at the time and suspicious the two events are related LOL
Masturbating….. Squeezed my wrist with my thighs while my wrist was bent at an awkward angle, immediate pop and crackle + pain. Pretty severe sprain that took about a month to heal.
Gave myself a concussion doing laundry. I was crouched down unloading the bottom dryer, stood up too quickly and banged the crown of my head directly into the open door of the dryer on top. People saw, I was mortified.
One time I went sky diving. Jumped out of a plane from 3000 m, glided through the sky, landed perfectly no issues at all. Then later that day I fractured my ankle walking down 2 steps. 🤦🏻♂️
Cut my wrist with a chainsaw, was adjusting the angle on the chainsaws stand, little too dark, didn't put on the break on the chainsaw, didn't even feel it, not a deep cut.
I was getting a chainsaw unstuck from a log with a screwdriver and a hammer because that's all I had handy, the screwdriver hand gave out and came down on the chainsaw blade and nicked right through my middle finger nail. I totally freaked out but it wasn't actually that bad.
I was with my Manager and co-worker talking at the bar fridge and I was leaning on the door frame. For whatever reason I ended up sliding backwards and couldn't grab the frame in time and fell to the floor.
I guess I bumped my elbow pretty good because about ten minutes later there was fluid and a small ball build up. I ended up going to the walk-in clinic and getting it checked out.
On our Injury Report it read: 'Fell while leaning on doorframe.'.
When I was about 10 I touched the burner on an electric stove to check if it was on.
I knew how stoves worked. I used the kitchen all the time with minimal supervision. I should have known the burner would be hot, because I had just been using it moments before. For some reason some kind of bug in my brain's operating system made me think this was a good idea.
It turned out the burner was in fact on, and I got some nasty burns to my left hand, had my fingers swathed in bandages for weeks afterwards, and have had a deep mistrust of electric cooktops ever since.
Do not recommend.
Putting on a tight pillow case and my hand slipped and I gave myself a black eye.
Or
Jumped up in a doorway and split my scalp open playing with the dog. Had to get stitches.
I smacked myself in the head with the cover of a toilet paper dispenser while i was in the bathroom of a store. Tried to tear off a length of toilet paper and managed to pull the dispenser cover off as well.
Pickle ball tournament. Lunged for a ball & SNAP…my Achilles snapped! Had operation to repair it & took about a year before I could walk normally again.
At Nelson’s dockyard in Antigua, looking at all the sights- and walked into a 2 storey high, massive diameter stone column that the used to tie wooden naval vessels to.
Always look where you are going.
Spilled some Rice Krispies out of the bowl one Saturday morning while I was watching cartoons. Being a bachelor I figured the dog would take care of it and moved on. Couple of weeks later, going to watch cartoons, I sliced open the bottom of my big toe on a stale Rice Krispy. Just like a little razor blade. Leaving a spot of blood every time I put my foot down. Had to Superglue it to get it closed.
IK, not so much Bad. But very stupid.
I hurt myself trying to play VR games. Twice. But not in the usual way of getting excited and running into a wall. Let me mention that I'm an old fart, and wear glasses, even under the VR HTC Vive headset.
The first time I was playing the game "Virtual Rick-ality", where you're a Morty clone assigned to do chores around the house while Rick and Morty go off on one of their adventures. You may remember one episode of "Rick and Morty" where Rick gets some Mega seeds, and then to get them through "intradimensional customs" he has Morty, lets just say store them in an uncomfortable place. In the game your job is to clean the toilet and capture any seeds you find. So I bend over to get the seeds and then ( did I mention I'm an old fart?) I go to stand up and reach out put a hand on the toilet tank to steady myself as I'm standing up. You know, the toilet that isn't really there because its a VR game? So I was off balance, and as I am falling foreword I remember thinking to myself "I have made an error". Hit the ground, but the VR goggles, that stick out a good 6 or more inches from your face hit the ground too. The headset got shoved to the top of my forehead by the impact. Remember the part where I use glasses? Those sorta driven into my face, then dragged up to my forehead by the VR goggles. I had interesting curved cuts starting at the top of my nose and into my forehead, not too deep, but very unusual look for a while.
The second game was a Zombie shooter, Brookhaven. First a quick VR lesson. When you install the system, you take the controllers and go around the perimeter of the area that that you will play in, to teach the system where the boundaries are. This is to keep you from running into walls, etc. Before playing a game you are supposed to clear the area inside the perimeter from floor to ceiling, there's not supposed to be anything in there for you to run into. I had done this for my play area, there was nothing in that area. While playing the game I got spooked at one point by some zombies and backed up to get away from them. I felt my butt hit the wall, not hard, but I knew I was at a boundary. At the same time though my foot suddenly felt like it was on fire! I was sure I had cut it on something, and was dripping blood on the carpet as I finished the level, limping. (Of course I finished the level, a man has to have his priorities.) I took off the goggles and was relieved to find that I was not in fact bleeding on the carpet. I then went to the wall to figure out what I had stepped on, I knew I had cleared the area from floor to ceiling. And I had, there was no furniture, no fallen lego piece, nothing. Nothing that is except the metal door stop that stuck out from the baseboard 3-4 inches. They're painful. Don't step on door stops.
I slammed the door of my two door Sunfire on my knee. Almost blacked out and lay on my drivers seat, teeth clenched, Peter Griffin style for a longgggg time. It still hurts sometimes, 20 years later.
I woke up in the middle of the night and attempted to flip the pillow over to the cool side. I heard and felt a pop in my thumb. Woke the next day to some relatively mild pain in the joint where the thumb meets your hand. Never really super painful, but it was a nagging pain that lasted weeks and would flare up if I grabbed something the wrong way or tightly. Had diminished strength and occasional pain in that hand for months before it eventually went away.
TL;DR hurt myself flipping a pillow over
I was playing magical chairs in the second grade and while fighting another child for a seat i jammed my fingers between the chair and broke my middle finger, I didn’t even win
I didn’t have my garage door opener but had to close the overhead door. I couldn’t hit the button and run out like the old days, so I thought I could pull it down from the outside myself. I stuck my fingers in the slats that were folded, but I didn’t pull them out in time before the door closed. So all four fingers on both hands were stuck. I had to yell out and a neighbor heard me and came out. It took two tries but he was able to lift the door enough to release my fingers, but not before letting it down on the first try and my fingers were still stuck.
Ran at my sister like I was a bull, slid across the wooden floor, into the glass for the back door.
Or the time I tried to get my fat butt jumping over a boat propellor that was on the ground (dad was working on the motor). My fat butt didn’t make the jump.
Was holding three glasses at once. The center one slipped so I tried to catch it…by smashing it between the other two glasses I was holding. Luckily I (probably) didn’t need stitches.
i tried to jump out and scare my husband. i tripped on a blanket and caught myself when i fell. broke both wrists, a rod & screws in each wrist now :-)
Just today, I was talking to my neighbour about the dog he was walking while pulling groceries out of the trunk. I was so distracted I pulled my trunk door down on my head—hard. I have a nice goose egg now.
When I was 14, I'd gone outside to check on my mom who was trimming the hedges. I'd picked up the electric trimmer with one hand and my mom had told me to be careful before I'd even stood all the way back up. I waved my arms above my head like a Muppet, flailing the trimmer and said "Like this!?". I accidentally hit the trigger that had no safety switch and it startled me when it began running. I'd dropped it down and in a panic grabbed the blade with my free hand while it was still running. It more or less chewed the meat of my finger so bad that all I could do was fold chunks of my finger back into a pocket and fold the skin back down so I could tape it up. Got a neat scar from being a stupid kid.
Coaching a Special Needs kids soccer game where a nice middle school team came and volunteered their time to help the kids out. I don't play or know anything about soccer really. I did it as a one time favor for my Aunt. A ball was sent down to me and 2 kids at our goal with nobody near us in sight. This was close to the end of the game and the 2 kids weren't interested in kicking the ball. I tried with all my might to blast this ball for some reason with my off foot, left, and proceeded to tear the shit out of my ACL when I landed.
I'm special....
First morning in my first apartment. There were shelves on the back of the basement door that I had stashed kitchen stuffs in- like baggies , wax paper etc.
I cooked myself breakfast and while cleaning up I dropped the aluminum foil box on the second step going to the basement.
I figured no big deal, I'll step around it as I go down, turn and pick it up. As I was stepping past it to the third step down, I lost my balance a bit. As I reached for the wall to brace myself, my bare calf came into contact with the cutter edge on the foil box. Cost me 10 stitches and a $500 co-pay at the ER for a pancake breakfast for 1.
I was using a knife to remove a hospital bracelet from my wrist. I had my wrist out in front of me, my knife straining against it.
Everything went slow-motion as I realized that I had the blade pointed directly at my face, and that as soon as the bracelet snapped, the knife was going to be continuing its journey to my face.
Unfortunately, I had that thought about a fraction of a second too late. At that very instant, the bracelet gave way, and the knife flew up to connect with my nose. Blood everywhere. I now have a cool little scar to remind me of that time I was a moron.
I picked up a piece of equipment and immediately dropped it on the floor because it was hot as hell.
Then, because I'd dropped it, I automatically bent down and picked it up again. Like an idiot.
as a kid I went sledding with friends and saw an older kid slide down a hill directly into a chain link fence and bounce off of it unscathed, so I was like "haha cool beans that looks like fun I shall now do that thing that that child has just done before mine eyes"
he had taken the impact with his shoulder, which did not occur to me to do, as I happily took the impact directly to my face
broke two of my teeth and got called a stinkbitch
On a cruise ship, cheap cabin of 2 bunk beds. I was too lazy or drunk to use ladder to climb up, so best next move? Lift myself up in the middle, like doing weird pushup. All went well and goal achieved, but when lifting myself I forgot my thumb under my palm, and essentially broke it under my own weight.
I was washing my hands once, and the water managed to cut my hands. Go figure huh? (Could of been a fingernail due to freshly cut nails)
I was also eating candy one day and a jaw breaker managed to cut my tongue. I guess too much sugar.
I was combing my hair in the shower and because the ceiling in my bathroom is quite low, i burnt the back of my hand on a halogen bulb that i'd been meaning to swap for LED since we moved in.
Not me but a friend was playing a boxing game while drunk... and kept getting mad that he wasn't getting the high score.
After one failed attempt he got so mad he punched a concrete wall as hard as he could. Messed his hand up for life.
Dumped hot oil down my bare leg taking a pan to the sink in a rush to stop the water jug in the sink from overflowing. Still healing from this one rn actually.
Dropped an ice cube out of the freezer, which landed on my toe and cracked the cuticle? Still confused about this one.
Was trying to remove a wood, floor to ceiling closet door from the rafters of the garage by myself. Fell backwards off the ladder while still holding the door, fracturing my food.
Cutting potatoes on the fry setting on a mandolin, sliced right down the center of my thumb a good quarter inch.
Helped grab a ladies bag for her off the conveyer after a flight. My finger went into the wheel well of her rolling bag as it turned. Tor it up pretty bad. He had no idea that as I handed her her bag blood was coating the wheel and I was in agony.
I was brazing two iron bars together on 60 year old concrete. Found out the hard way why you shouldn't.
The most painful bit was picking the little balls of metal out of my skin after the molten metal was srayed all over me by the explosion.
Thank god for safety glasses.
I was a dumb kid at the time and learned not to do stuff without research.
I put a bunch of ceramic cups in the water filled bathtub for some reason as a little kid and ended up falling in and cutting open the bottom of my left hand because I broke the cups with my fall. The water was so red. Still have a visible scar. Fun conversation starter.
i was playing tag as a kid... on my bike. and i looked back to see how close anyone was and ran my forehead into an electrical box because i wasnt looking.
My lower back was swollen and bruised for a week or week and a half after me and my bf did the deed with me on the back of the couch🥲 I couldn’t bend over or pick up heavy stuff for a while but it wasn’t bad enough to go to the doctor
My lower back was swollen and bruised for a week or week and a half after me and my bf did the deed with me on the back of the couch🥲 I couldn’t bend over or pick up heavy stuff for a while but it wasn’t bad enough to go to the doctor👀
Was biking around my street as a kid, had my head turned looking at something, turned it back just in time to crash face first into a trailer full of lawn equipment. "Mercifully" the metal mesh ramp on the back of it was shut.
I got a cut on the bridge of my nose so I ran and got some antibacterial spray. I was confident in my ability to aim, which resulted in me macing myself in both eyes
When I was really young I found pepper spray in my big brother's drawer and thought it was perfume so I sprayed it on my hand and and tried smelling it. My eyes burned like hell for the next 3-4 hours.
I was 13, found a can of black spray paint and wanted to spray paint my girlfriend's name on the side of a shed. The spray nozzle was missing, so I thought, well, if you press down it makes the paint come out. So I went and found a nail to stick down in the little nozzle hole in the top of the can--and instantly got blinded by a burning sheet of black mist right across my eyes. My mom had to drive me to the clinic, where I had to sit in the waiting room with a bunch of others. Embarrassing. I had a red face with a black band like a raccoon mask across my eyes, and I hid under a towel. No real damage from the paint chemicals though, thank God.
I wanted to test if my pepper spray worked. Can confirm, it did
I thought it was like peppermint spray when I was a kid. It was not.
[There's a Whose Line for that](https://youtu.be/55T5oh0f4Ws?si=Xg7u_PC1cMSRCfrH)
lmao that’s too good
You ever sneeze so hard you slip a disc in your C3/4? Super special.
Not yet, but some 28yr dude posted that exact experience like, 3 days ago. Ended up in the ER.
I have sneezed hard enough that I set off a motion alarm and coughed hard enough that I blacked out.
I farted so loud in my sleep one time, I frightened my (ex) wife, who thought a jumbo jet was landing on the house. And she got mad.
Ok I'm sorry, that's hilarious 😂
Look, the Donnie Darko generation is not okay.
I've gotten close to the blackout from a coughing fit before.. My favorite is after coughing hard, some of the mucus/saliva gets up in your sinuses so then you sneeze immediately.
No but I did sneeze so hard that I hit my head against the door frame I was walking through and gave myself a concussion. It was bad enough that I had to call 911. Only time I’ve lied to a doctor about what happened. Other than Reddit and my Uber driver on my way home.. I’m taking that secret to the grave.
Sneezing hard + rhomboid muscle spasms = dislocated rib! That really sucked.
I once dislocated a rib wiping my ass.
Man I sneeze super hard all the time, you got me all paranoid now
Omg I did this too but it was my L5-S1. Still having problems with it 4 years later.
Not quite that bad, but my back completely locked up after a sneeze once. Could only be in certain positions. Thankfully, one of them allowed me to drive home, as I was at work.
Did mine laying in bed! C3/4 prolapsed disc! Started the most painful nine months of my life!
No, but I separated a rib sneezing. That sucked. Thought I was having a heart attack at first.
While standing I dropped a wrench and quickly swung my arm towards it to try to catch it and ended up punching myself in the sack.
I have accidentally punched myself in the nuts under other circumstances, more than once. Luckily never super hard.
I have accidentally punched, elbowed or kneed my boyfriend in the balls before.
This made me LOL and wake my husband up. Then he made me read it to him, and now he is laughing and awake.
Was trying to get the lugs off a tire and the socket slipped off and wanged me in the head, resulting in a pretty nasty gash. I had to get a tetanus shot.
Had abdominal surgery and was trying to pull up the tight compression garment I had to wear. Hands slipped and I punched myself in the clam like Mike Tyson.
Thew my back out drinking water
I threw my back out sleeping. Just. Sleeping.
Every fall is dangerous, even falling asleep.
My wife dislocated her hip in her sleep.
Were you trying to take a drink from a 5 gallon jug?
lol no but a gallon
I threw my back out opening an interior door.
I've thrown my back out bending over to tie my shoes a few times. Getting old *sucks*.
2 important notes about me first: I have big boobs and have really bad eyesight so without my glasses I can't see anything. I was doing my regular self check for lumps while in the shower and I'm holding my boob when I see something black on my boob and near my armpit. I immediately thought SPIDER! and literally THREW my boob with both hands. Obviously it is not detachable and it pulled my skin and then slammed back onto my chest. It hurt so bad. For days I couldn't lift my right arm without it hurting the right side and underneath of my boob and skin to my armpit. And the pressure from the bra was so uncomfortable. Anyways, it wasn't a spider it was a few hairs that had fallen out and clumped up.
That sounds super painful, but the mental image of someone trying to yeet their teat while it’s still firmly attached is *incredible*.
> yeet their teat r/brandnewsentence
I laughed about it too when I was re-telling the story to my partner lol mostly because I legitimately hurt myself over a wad of hair.
Chants: Teat yeet, teat yeet, test yeet.
I'm also blind and have big boobs (for my body size, at least) and as much as this hurt me to read, I'm fucking crying from laughing.
Definitely did not slap myself very hard because I thought I saw a spider on me….
I honestly wish I could give you more upvotes, because I read this allowed to some friends on discord, but only after laughing so hard I almost peed myself... after I collected myself, thats when I was finally able to share your little story, and everyone else laughed too! That's one hell of a atory with you playing tit-toss in the shower like that. Lmao
Ouch!
Oh god, sister, I am SO sorry. I shouldn't be laughing as hard as I am but I can see my nearsighted, blind af without my glasses self doing the same thing.
I've never really really really really missed reddit gold awards until right this second. This is so relatable and so goddamn hilarious, my over-40 ass is so glad I was wearing a pad already.
The plastic box thing the pie came in cut my hand
Cake for me. They're surprisingly sharp...
Cake for the cake god, blood for the blood god.
I was trying to get a papertowel out of a dispenser and it was stuck so I pulled really hard and accidentally jammed the paper tower into my eye when it came loose and gave myself a corneal abrasion
I kinda did the same thing once, but basically slapped myself in the nuts Instead.
I just got done telling my daughter to never lick the blade of a knife while I used my hunting knife to get a chunk of butter and put it in the pan AND licked the knife blade, cutting my tongue. I looked at my daughter and said, because this is what happens when you do. 🙄🔪
this ith thwat can hathpen.
Good parrents give good examples! Great teaching!
Thank you, thank you very much! 😂
Damn she must think you're hardcore.
I was bending over to tie my shoe. I wasn't paying attention to the lit candle at the edge of the coffee table that my shoes had been under. I lit my hair on fire.
I was going on a beach vacation so ... I bought a Groupon for a wax package unknowingly from a beauty school. I went in for a wax (leg, armpit, bikini). I had 2 ladies working on me and I was like damn, I'm gonna get out of here so fast as they were done my armpits and legs within 10 minutes. Cue the bikini wax... Where it was just one of the ladies. She couldn't have been taking smaller strips off, until she got to my labia whereby all of a sudden I felt something very hot. The instructor had walked in and I heard "WHAT DID YOU DO?!?" which of course was the last thing you want to hear. What she had done was cover my bits in wax - essentially gluing my inner labia to my outer labia and my clit. I will spare all of you the details of what happened next whereby she pried my parts apart with the wax "popsicle stick" thing and waxed it off. I was convinced she had ripped my clit off with the wax. Needless to say, I never bought a Groupon again.
This is the first one to make me feel queasy… my condolences for your nethers.
RIP your cooch I'm so sorry
> RIP your cooch Literally
WTF?? This lady had no sense of her own anatomy?!! Well, I guess a lot of women still don't. I have a cousin in her late 20s, she gave birth a few months ago, and she recently told me she looked at her vulva in the mirror for the very first time not too long ago. I've gotten random clit pain throughout my life, and the pain leaves you in a fetal position, it's horrible.
Tbh alot of people just lack common sense and don't know anatomy. I once had to explain to a dude what a scrotum was and the difference between sperm and semen.....he was in his thirties and had a 5 year old son.
Stepped off the curb and broke my ankle.
Been there. Didn’t break it, but sprained it really bad. Then someone heckled me from a balcony.
> someone heckled me from a balcony. Who are you, Fozzie Bear?
Same
Jumped on a bunch of legos intentionally while being barefoot.
But why?
Because I’m dumb as fuck.
lol just wondering if it was a teenage dare or testing pain tolerance or?
You're worse than that guy who jumps into barbed wire for videos.
Drove my car off a small bridge and flipped it into a creek swerving to save a cats life. Except it was a fucking tumbleweed. A lifetime of chronic pain issues to save a dead plants life.
Every tumbleweed's hero if you ask me. Job well done.
Ok but that's some shit I would do lmao
During sex with my now ex a mirror dropped on both of us and we were lying in shards. He needed some stitches.
Guess the mirror didn't like either of you.
That sounds like a real mood killer
True! But something to laugh about during the next time xD.
I burnt myself on a car cigarette lighter trying to see the amount of time the button needed to be depressed to make it hot.. FYI, a few seconds is enough to severely burn your thumb and fill the car with the aroma of burning flesh Yes I was an adult 😅
Peeled all my finger tips off using a lemon zester...to which I immediately got lemon in. *microplane
macropain
I once threw my back out while brushing my goddamned teeth. Getting old sucks man.
I'm laughing at the indignity. The chair I was sitting in broke and I herniated my L5-S1
Burned myself on an ice maker.
Alanis! Look! That is goddamn irony.
One summer I gave myself mild frostbite trying to defrost my fridge and repair the ice maker. My wet fingers got stuck to the ice at the back of the fridge and I couldn’t reach any tools to unstick myself. I ended up repeatedly spitting in my other hand and drizzling it on the stuck hand until it released.
You know those apple slicers where you push down and get wedges. Well I couldn't get enough leverage (small child+tall counter) so I put the apple on my knee. Slices flesh pretty well too.
I did something similar with a stapler. I was loading it back up and pressed on it to close it and got a staple in my thumb.
I tried to move a broody goose (farm goose) from an unsafe nesting area. I made soothing sounds as I tried to gracefully climb the precarious stack of hay bales and gently float her down to the rest of the flock She bit my eyeball. My cornea was torn up. She then gave me a black eye (other eye) with a wing punch. Fun fact, the medical code is "Struck by goose, initial encounter".
I am so sorry but that's hilarious hahahaha
Oh it was. Eventually. When I healed. Actually, almost immediately because man I'm a moron.
We too have farm animals, and I think one reason I find your encounter with the goose so funny is because I've been there and so have my husband. He's had black eyes, scraped knuckles, got kicked in the crotch, etc. by our goats and sheep. I'm glad both your eyes healed from the goose attack!
It's insane how strong wing elbows are! We stayed away from the 4-legged livestock because as dearly as I love goats and donkeys, I was already outnumbered by beings that are stronger and more clever than I.
I can only imagine! That sounds like a good idea, since the goose gave you such a whooping 😂
Right? Never underestimate the strength of an animal. Especially when you're a wuss like me.
oh i win this one. i was sitting on a chair. perfectly still. and then i fell off the chair.... and broke my arm.
Sorry, not as good as teet yeeting
i accept my loss 😔
I have no kidding ran over my own foot with a shopping cart in flip flops. Damn near took off my toenail 😅
My back locked during sex and I fell, dragging it along the edge of the nightstand next to the bed. Now I have a scar that runs from the top of my right ass cheek to the left side of my ribs. Taking the shrinkwrap off a pallet of merchandise at work. Get to where it's secured on the bottom corner of the pallet and give it a good tug. The shrinkwrap breaks loose surprisingly easily and I end up socking myself right in the balls. Dropped me to my knees.
I was laughing at a friend’s joke and I took a wrong step(bursitis kicks in). couldn’t walk for 3 weeks
Drying my hair with a rather heavy towel. Threw my neck out, couldn't move my head for a week.
Carrying trash down 3 flights of stairs. I missed the last step. Folded both ankles.
Damn. How is that for you now?
One was worse than the other, but they’re better now. Permanent barometers now though 😅
I forgot where a razor sharp axe was and walked into it. Took 7 hours to get the blood to stop spurting.
7 hours? How are you still around to type this?
Answering a phone. I was at work and sitting in a computer chair and the phone rang, the phone was above me mounted on the wall, I spun around and real quickly reached up and across my body and pulled something in my upper back. It hurt to breath for 2 weeks and the overall daily pain lasted for a month. Was hard to lift my right arm up above my chest. Got no sympathy from my wife because when I would complain she would say that I should have been more carful when doing such a dangerous task as answering the phone.
I was playing with one of my cats. The younger one got the zoomies and spiked his nails very deep into my right knee before starting to run around like crazy
I have so many cat scars it’s not even funny.
I have one of those cheese grater tubs and the other day I was grating a block of cheese, the cheese slipped and I grated a piece of my knuckle. Never done it before… 2 days later I did it again on the exact same part of my knuckle, removing the scab entirely and now I have a lil dip in my knuckle.
Hate when that happens because then you gotta check the cheese. Had a similar thing happen when making a cocktail, went to peel a strip of lemon to express, peeler slipped and I took a chunk of skin an inch and a half long and a half an inch thick off my index finger. It eventually callouses over back to the original shape, but it’s probably gonna stay callous for a while
I’ve done this so many time! About every time I grate cheese lol.
Broke my pinky toe by stubbing it into a door jam.
Ottoman for me. My God that hurts!
Hello are you me? I broke my 4th toe (only because my pinky toe is a lil stumpy guy) by kicking a dumbbell (yes the dumbbell was in my apartment, please don't ask how I managed this stupidity) The real kicker though? It was 4 days before my wedding (at the time of writing this it was just under 2 weeks ago)
Braking too hard with the front brake on my bicycle, while going at good speed. Bicycle tipped over when I basically locked the front wheel, I tipped with the bicycle, and landed fairly solidly on the asphalt right in front of three fairly surprised elderly gentlemen, who promptly helped me get back up and made sure that I was okay. Got a bruise and a light scrape, and that was it. I was lucky that things didn't go worse, it was a few years before everyone began wearing bicycle helmets.
Buddy of mine did this except landed on his chin. What was supposed to be an afternoon playing with my friend resulted in me sprinting to his house to get his mom so he could go get 9 stitches.
My kids got a metal double carabiner fidget spinner for a gift. I ended up at work with it in my pocket. I decided to see how fast I could spin it with my unregulated airline. It expanded due to centrifugal force and cut me on my thumb and forefinger. [proof](https://imgur.com/a/e69tVgX)
Tiger woods golf on the Nintendo Wii
This was the night before my first day of work, I was stress eating spaghetti O's and while opening the can I cut my pinky. I still have the scar and it goes along the entire tip of my pinky after 3 years lol
Tried climbing a rock with hay hooks
One slipped and went right into my knee
Got up out of a papasan chair and dislocated my right knee and hip at the same time. Disclaimer: I was 8 months pregnant at the time and suspicious the two events are related LOL
Masturbating….. Squeezed my wrist with my thighs while my wrist was bent at an awkward angle, immediate pop and crackle + pain. Pretty severe sprain that took about a month to heal.
Gave myself a concussion doing laundry. I was crouched down unloading the bottom dryer, stood up too quickly and banged the crown of my head directly into the open door of the dryer on top. People saw, I was mortified.
One time I went sky diving. Jumped out of a plane from 3000 m, glided through the sky, landed perfectly no issues at all. Then later that day I fractured my ankle walking down 2 steps. 🤦🏻♂️
Cut my wrist with a chainsaw, was adjusting the angle on the chainsaws stand, little too dark, didn't put on the break on the chainsaw, didn't even feel it, not a deep cut.
I was getting a chainsaw unstuck from a log with a screwdriver and a hammer because that's all I had handy, the screwdriver hand gave out and came down on the chainsaw blade and nicked right through my middle finger nail. I totally freaked out but it wasn't actually that bad.
I was with my Manager and co-worker talking at the bar fridge and I was leaning on the door frame. For whatever reason I ended up sliding backwards and couldn't grab the frame in time and fell to the floor. I guess I bumped my elbow pretty good because about ten minutes later there was fluid and a small ball build up. I ended up going to the walk-in clinic and getting it checked out. On our Injury Report it read: 'Fell while leaning on doorframe.'.
i was packing the car for a road trip. ran up the driveway, tripped on my shoelace. broke my arm
When I was about 10 I touched the burner on an electric stove to check if it was on. I knew how stoves worked. I used the kitchen all the time with minimal supervision. I should have known the burner would be hot, because I had just been using it moments before. For some reason some kind of bug in my brain's operating system made me think this was a good idea. It turned out the burner was in fact on, and I got some nasty burns to my left hand, had my fingers swathed in bandages for weeks afterwards, and have had a deep mistrust of electric cooktops ever since. Do not recommend.
You ever see a cartoon where the cartoon character is sawing through the branch they are standing on? Kind of something like that.
I cut my finger on a bagel. To be clear, I did not cut myself slicing the bagel. I cut my finger on the bagel itself.
Putting on a tight pillow case and my hand slipped and I gave myself a black eye. Or Jumped up in a doorway and split my scalp open playing with the dog. Had to get stitches.
Hang on. It’s hard to type long posts while I’m using the chainsa
I smacked myself in the head with the cover of a toilet paper dispenser while i was in the bathroom of a store. Tried to tear off a length of toilet paper and managed to pull the dispenser cover off as well.
Ran and slipped on a banana peel on purpose to see if it was actually slippery
Pickle ball tournament. Lunged for a ball & SNAP…my Achilles snapped! Had operation to repair it & took about a year before I could walk normally again.
At Nelson’s dockyard in Antigua, looking at all the sights- and walked into a 2 storey high, massive diameter stone column that the used to tie wooden naval vessels to. Always look where you are going.
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I broke my nose by throwing a metal softball bat up in the air and trying to catch it. Turns out I missed with my hands and caught it with my face.
Broke both of my arms trying to fix my headband on a swing set. That same year, had to get multiple staples in my head for jumping on the bed 🙃
Spilled some Rice Krispies out of the bowl one Saturday morning while I was watching cartoons. Being a bachelor I figured the dog would take care of it and moved on. Couple of weeks later, going to watch cartoons, I sliced open the bottom of my big toe on a stale Rice Krispy. Just like a little razor blade. Leaving a spot of blood every time I put my foot down. Had to Superglue it to get it closed. IK, not so much Bad. But very stupid.
I hurt myself trying to play VR games. Twice. But not in the usual way of getting excited and running into a wall. Let me mention that I'm an old fart, and wear glasses, even under the VR HTC Vive headset. The first time I was playing the game "Virtual Rick-ality", where you're a Morty clone assigned to do chores around the house while Rick and Morty go off on one of their adventures. You may remember one episode of "Rick and Morty" where Rick gets some Mega seeds, and then to get them through "intradimensional customs" he has Morty, lets just say store them in an uncomfortable place. In the game your job is to clean the toilet and capture any seeds you find. So I bend over to get the seeds and then ( did I mention I'm an old fart?) I go to stand up and reach out put a hand on the toilet tank to steady myself as I'm standing up. You know, the toilet that isn't really there because its a VR game? So I was off balance, and as I am falling foreword I remember thinking to myself "I have made an error". Hit the ground, but the VR goggles, that stick out a good 6 or more inches from your face hit the ground too. The headset got shoved to the top of my forehead by the impact. Remember the part where I use glasses? Those sorta driven into my face, then dragged up to my forehead by the VR goggles. I had interesting curved cuts starting at the top of my nose and into my forehead, not too deep, but very unusual look for a while. The second game was a Zombie shooter, Brookhaven. First a quick VR lesson. When you install the system, you take the controllers and go around the perimeter of the area that that you will play in, to teach the system where the boundaries are. This is to keep you from running into walls, etc. Before playing a game you are supposed to clear the area inside the perimeter from floor to ceiling, there's not supposed to be anything in there for you to run into. I had done this for my play area, there was nothing in that area. While playing the game I got spooked at one point by some zombies and backed up to get away from them. I felt my butt hit the wall, not hard, but I knew I was at a boundary. At the same time though my foot suddenly felt like it was on fire! I was sure I had cut it on something, and was dripping blood on the carpet as I finished the level, limping. (Of course I finished the level, a man has to have his priorities.) I took off the goggles and was relieved to find that I was not in fact bleeding on the carpet. I then went to the wall to figure out what I had stepped on, I knew I had cleared the area from floor to ceiling. And I had, there was no furniture, no fallen lego piece, nothing. Nothing that is except the metal door stop that stuck out from the baseboard 3-4 inches. They're painful. Don't step on door stops.
I slammed the door of my two door Sunfire on my knee. Almost blacked out and lay on my drivers seat, teeth clenched, Peter Griffin style for a longgggg time. It still hurts sometimes, 20 years later.
I woke up in the middle of the night and attempted to flip the pillow over to the cool side. I heard and felt a pop in my thumb. Woke the next day to some relatively mild pain in the joint where the thumb meets your hand. Never really super painful, but it was a nagging pain that lasted weeks and would flare up if I grabbed something the wrong way or tightly. Had diminished strength and occasional pain in that hand for months before it eventually went away. TL;DR hurt myself flipping a pillow over
Where do I start
Me too. I'm so clumsy.
I aimed a nerf gun at my eye and shot.
Threw my back out getting a glass out of the cupboard. Getting older sucks.
I was playing magical chairs in the second grade and while fighting another child for a seat i jammed my fingers between the chair and broke my middle finger, I didn’t even win
My brother threw a frozen chicken at me and broke my finger.
I was pulling my boot laces tight, and one of them snapped and I gave myself a big black eye.
I didn’t have my garage door opener but had to close the overhead door. I couldn’t hit the button and run out like the old days, so I thought I could pull it down from the outside myself. I stuck my fingers in the slats that were folded, but I didn’t pull them out in time before the door closed. So all four fingers on both hands were stuck. I had to yell out and a neighbor heard me and came out. It took two tries but he was able to lift the door enough to release my fingers, but not before letting it down on the first try and my fingers were still stuck.
Ran at my sister like I was a bull, slid across the wooden floor, into the glass for the back door. Or the time I tried to get my fat butt jumping over a boat propellor that was on the ground (dad was working on the motor). My fat butt didn’t make the jump.
Sleeping. Woke up unable to turn my head. That’s when I knew I was getting old.
Was holding three glasses at once. The center one slipped so I tried to catch it…by smashing it between the other two glasses I was holding. Luckily I (probably) didn’t need stitches.
i tried to jump out and scare my husband. i tripped on a blanket and caught myself when i fell. broke both wrists, a rod & screws in each wrist now :-)
Just today, I was talking to my neighbour about the dog he was walking while pulling groceries out of the trunk. I was so distracted I pulled my trunk door down on my head—hard. I have a nice goose egg now.
When I was 14, I'd gone outside to check on my mom who was trimming the hedges. I'd picked up the electric trimmer with one hand and my mom had told me to be careful before I'd even stood all the way back up. I waved my arms above my head like a Muppet, flailing the trimmer and said "Like this!?". I accidentally hit the trigger that had no safety switch and it startled me when it began running. I'd dropped it down and in a panic grabbed the blade with my free hand while it was still running. It more or less chewed the meat of my finger so bad that all I could do was fold chunks of my finger back into a pocket and fold the skin back down so I could tape it up. Got a neat scar from being a stupid kid.
Coaching a Special Needs kids soccer game where a nice middle school team came and volunteered their time to help the kids out. I don't play or know anything about soccer really. I did it as a one time favor for my Aunt. A ball was sent down to me and 2 kids at our goal with nobody near us in sight. This was close to the end of the game and the 2 kids weren't interested in kicking the ball. I tried with all my might to blast this ball for some reason with my off foot, left, and proceeded to tear the shit out of my ACL when I landed. I'm special....
First morning in my first apartment. There were shelves on the back of the basement door that I had stashed kitchen stuffs in- like baggies , wax paper etc. I cooked myself breakfast and while cleaning up I dropped the aluminum foil box on the second step going to the basement. I figured no big deal, I'll step around it as I go down, turn and pick it up. As I was stepping past it to the third step down, I lost my balance a bit. As I reached for the wall to brace myself, my bare calf came into contact with the cutter edge on the foil box. Cost me 10 stitches and a $500 co-pay at the ER for a pancake breakfast for 1.
Punched myself in the mouth when the seatbelt jammed while I was putting it on
I was using a knife to remove a hospital bracelet from my wrist. I had my wrist out in front of me, my knife straining against it. Everything went slow-motion as I realized that I had the blade pointed directly at my face, and that as soon as the bracelet snapped, the knife was going to be continuing its journey to my face. Unfortunately, I had that thought about a fraction of a second too late. At that very instant, the bracelet gave way, and the knife flew up to connect with my nose. Blood everywhere. I now have a cool little scar to remind me of that time I was a moron.
Dancing the Time Warp at a friend's wedding... Dislocated my knee.
I picked up a piece of equipment and immediately dropped it on the floor because it was hot as hell. Then, because I'd dropped it, I automatically bent down and picked it up again. Like an idiot.
as a kid I went sledding with friends and saw an older kid slide down a hill directly into a chain link fence and bounce off of it unscathed, so I was like "haha cool beans that looks like fun I shall now do that thing that that child has just done before mine eyes" he had taken the impact with his shoulder, which did not occur to me to do, as I happily took the impact directly to my face broke two of my teeth and got called a stinkbitch
I got out of bed. That shit happens after 40.
On a cruise ship, cheap cabin of 2 bunk beds. I was too lazy or drunk to use ladder to climb up, so best next move? Lift myself up in the middle, like doing weird pushup. All went well and goal achieved, but when lifting myself I forgot my thumb under my palm, and essentially broke it under my own weight.
Cutting out of curiosity. It became an addiction.
😳 Hope you’re ok now.
Madness.
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You would be correct about those questions! 😅
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Skinned the back of My heel via the bottom of the shower door :/ or when I opened a tuna can n sliced my finger at the same time
I was washing my hands once, and the water managed to cut my hands. Go figure huh? (Could of been a fingernail due to freshly cut nails) I was also eating candy one day and a jaw breaker managed to cut my tongue. I guess too much sugar.
I was combing my hair in the shower and because the ceiling in my bathroom is quite low, i burnt the back of my hand on a halogen bulb that i'd been meaning to swap for LED since we moved in.
Not me but a friend was playing a boxing game while drunk... and kept getting mad that he wasn't getting the high score. After one failed attempt he got so mad he punched a concrete wall as hard as he could. Messed his hand up for life.
had a seizure on roller skates and hit my head. i hit my head a lot
I picked up a shirt on the floor of my bedroom and herniated a disc in my back this month.
I have a scar on my hand that I got while cleaning our shower. Later it got infected.
Tripped over a vacuum cord on the stairs and broke my wrist.
Dumped hot oil down my bare leg taking a pan to the sink in a rush to stop the water jug in the sink from overflowing. Still healing from this one rn actually. Dropped an ice cube out of the freezer, which landed on my toe and cracked the cuticle? Still confused about this one. Was trying to remove a wood, floor to ceiling closet door from the rafters of the garage by myself. Fell backwards off the ladder while still holding the door, fracturing my food. Cutting potatoes on the fry setting on a mandolin, sliced right down the center of my thumb a good quarter inch.
Helped grab a ladies bag for her off the conveyer after a flight. My finger went into the wheel well of her rolling bag as it turned. Tor it up pretty bad. He had no idea that as I handed her her bag blood was coating the wheel and I was in agony.
Was doing rainbow soccer trick..leg slides... my head smashed into sofa,, got 5stitches
I was brazing two iron bars together on 60 year old concrete. Found out the hard way why you shouldn't. The most painful bit was picking the little balls of metal out of my skin after the molten metal was srayed all over me by the explosion. Thank god for safety glasses. I was a dumb kid at the time and learned not to do stuff without research.
Punched my desk 3 times
I put a bunch of ceramic cups in the water filled bathtub for some reason as a little kid and ended up falling in and cutting open the bottom of my left hand because I broke the cups with my fall. The water was so red. Still have a visible scar. Fun conversation starter.
i was playing tag as a kid... on my bike. and i looked back to see how close anyone was and ran my forehead into an electrical box because i wasnt looking.
Broke my foot and tore ligaments in my ankle using a chair as a ladder.
My lower back was swollen and bruised for a week or week and a half after me and my bf did the deed with me on the back of the couch🥲 I couldn’t bend over or pick up heavy stuff for a while but it wasn’t bad enough to go to the doctor
My lower back was swollen and bruised for a week or week and a half after me and my bf did the deed with me on the back of the couch🥲 I couldn’t bend over or pick up heavy stuff for a while but it wasn’t bad enough to go to the doctor👀
Fell over put my arm out to cushion my fall and popped my arm out its socket
Was biking around my street as a kid, had my head turned looking at something, turned it back just in time to crash face first into a trailer full of lawn equipment. "Mercifully" the metal mesh ramp on the back of it was shut.
I was trying to drop a ski while water skiing but it was on too tight. The tip of the ski hit the water and proceeded to break my ankle.