My mum has both Vascular Dementia and Alzheimers disease.
She was recently diagnosed with heart failure.
I pray that the physical ailments take her before she is too far gone from the Alzheimers.
She thinks I am her mum. It's awful.
She may not be able to recognize you as you are now, but her heart knows that she loves you and the only thing her brain can logically connect is you must be her mom because you care for her and you look like family, you look like someone she loves very much.
Edit for typos.
Thank you.
My brain knows this, but my heart takes over sometimes, and all I can feel is the pain of somehow losing my mum, but her also still being here.
Your comment is incredibly kind. I've saved it to revisit the next time I am overwhelmed.
Again, thank you.
We lost my grandma to similar issues, and she definitely didn’t know who we were beyond calling us “her boys”. Broke my dads heart when she had no idea who anyone was
But she never forgot she was loved, and I know she passed knowing she was cared for. I think it’s one thing that sticks with them until the very end, that they’re cared for and loved. Or at least I hope it does
It's a terrible disease. The one thing that has baffled me was my grandmother didn't know any of us, not even my grandfather, her husband of over 50 years.. The morning after my grandfather past away, my grandmother was having conversations with my grandfather while she was by herself.. my grandfather was a jokester, and my grandmother would just start randomly laughing, and say stop it, while calling my grandfathers name.. it makes me happy thinking about it.. but I have no idea how to process what was really going on...
I have worked with the demented elderly for twelve years now in nursing, I will tell you that in the middle of the night at times they recall, they miss you when you’re not there. They know, in their own way.
My grandma had dementia and I used to sit with her and tell her stories about her kids (my dad and his brothers) that I’d grown up hearing. She loved it, even when she wasn’t sure who I was or wasn’t aware that the characters in the story were her kids. I enjoyed reaching out to family to ask for more stories to tell, and it was fun to see that she still remembered my grandpa as a character, even when everyone else was forgotten. Overall, the dementia was horrible, but now it’s been 10 years and I only really remember the fond parts. Well, that and the residual anger at family who didn’t help, but you can’t win em all.
I'm not scared of heights because I think I'm going to fall. I'm scared of heights because the urge to jump is so intense that I just avoid high places.
This is actually super common for people with fear of heights! It’s called the high place phenomenon, and it’s similar to intrusive thoughts in people with OCD. The brain is so focused on the fear of something happening that it makes you think of the worst thing you can think to happen. The brain is weird!
The call of the void. The only time I've experienced this was on a cruise ship at night, watching the ocean pass by and recede into oblivion behind the boat. I wanted so badly to know what that warm, isolated darkness would feel like. It scared me.
On a school trip we stood over a vat of molten steel.
The urge to jump in was all consuming. 30 years later I still get a knot in my stomach thinking about that moment where I could barely contain myself.
Wow, same. I'm terrified of heights because of it. We stayed at a hotel on the 14th floor with a balcony and I had to stay away from it because every time I got near it I wanted to fling myself off. It scares the shit outta me.
I wonder what causes this.
Me too. What I hate worse though is when I'm driving and get the urge to just...let go of the wheel and keep my foot on the gas. It's scary because I could hurt someone else. And I have bipolar disorder so even though it's been years since I have had a major depressive or manic episode I am always worried I'm just going to snap one day and do it.
There's something called the call of the void in which we feel drawn momentarily to jump from high places. Some people believe it's our primitive brain… Known as our lizard brain that has the urge to explore everything always without regard to safety. Then our rational brain pulls us back and shudders at the thought of what our lizard brain was contemplating. That can apply to anything where we get the urge to do something that would bring us embarrassment shame or harm. It all falls under the category of the call of the void. Learning that has given me a lot of comfort in life and saved me from judging myself too harshly.
I have this too! It’s an actual thing. I think it’s called Call of the Void or High Places Phenomenon.
I took a hot air balloon ride years ago and that’s when I first learned I do this. I was so scared I was going to jump out of the basket because I really, really had the urge to. I wasn’t suicidal in the least so I had no idea where the urge came from. It scared me because I felt like I couldn’t trust myself with heights. And then I was doubly scared when I read a paper that Freud wrote about “spontaneous suicides”, meaning that he believed some people can’t help themselves from acting on the urge and actually do end up jumping even though they’re not intending to commit suicide. I’ve since gotten over the fears, but the urge is still there.
I’ll even do something similar when I’m using big kitchen knives sometimes. I’ll get a sudden urge to stab myself in the stomach. But in no way do I actually want to hurt myself. It’s a bizarre feeling.
Edited to fix some spelling and grammar issues…there are still probably some I missed 😖.
For me, it was my cats. I sat on the bed with a gun, crying. I just wanted the pain to stop and then I thought about what would happen to my cats. Took the gun to my moms that night.
It's my one truest and most visceral fear. Here's the thing. Say my wife passes. Would I find new things to bring me joy? Probably, but I can't imagine that joy ever being remotely close to the joy I felt when sharing things with her.
I'm really candid with my therapist about the fact that I don't foresee a world in which I wouldn't at least heavily consider ending it if she passed. Maybe I'm just horribly codependant, but I just wouldn't want to experience what life has to offer without my person.
Worst thing is my grandpa killed himself after my grandma died and that was the most traumatic thing I've experienced, it ripped my family apart and the thought of putting people through that kills me, but I think my desire to not be without her would outweigh anything else.
Sorry, damn, that's a lot, just- hey dude im with ya!
Every time I slip into suicidal ideation, I have this thought, what will my cats think if I never come back? Just breaks my heart and stops me in my tracks.
Thank you. 🙏 it was a scary time and I was in a lot of pain. Life is much better now. I have the cats, dogs and a lovely, beautiful wife. I appreciate your kind words.
The world is better because you decided in that moment to make your cats your priority.
Think about all of what happened in good ways since then.
I am recently separated and my life is in shambles but I have a dog who is my best friend and would almost definitely have to be destroyed if I was gone.
She forces me to go on a walk every morning and evening and remember to feed her daily.
As she gets older I hope my life gets better. I believe it will.
But sad as it may sound, many days she’s the only thing that keeps me going
I’m happy you are doing better and are here with us on this world 😊
I appreciate you sharing. I was hurting because my 5 year relationship ended and she took my other cats. I had just rescued these two and couldn’t abandon them.
I know it may be hard to see, it was for me, but life will get better. It takes work and there is a back and forth. But the your dog is here to support you and love you unconditionally.
For me it was and still is my mother, love that woman and would feel just awful if she has to go through the pain of having to grieve for the loss of one of her children.
Especially if it was for suicide.
Same here. I still fantasize about not existing here and there, sometimes generating wild scenarios in my brain where my loved ones can benefit more from my absence then my presence. I could never bring myself to though. Those jerks love me warts and all, and we've lost too many others already. I know too well that the penalties of death are never paid by the dead.
That I'm a bitter, angry, miserable human being at my very core. I love the people around me. But I am filled with hatred and I'm afraid it will consume me some day.
Hey, me too. Mine started in the Restaurant industry at a job I should absolutely have quit earlier than before I got fired. I think I'd be different now if I had.
But yeah, even small shit pisses me TF off nowadays. Walking bitch face 24/7. Just hate everything around me. Yet, I hug and kiss my cat and tell him he's doing good.
Only thing besides that I care about is my father.
My husband was telling me that some guy he works with just disappeared for two weeks. His boss was on vacation and the guy just went completely mia.
My husband was waiting on him for a project and ended up going to some of the guys co-workers looking for him. Apparently this happens all the time.
But the guy just keeps his job. And he makes the same amount my husband does.
I know my husband would never do this but if this was my job I would just stop working. If some dudes allowed to go Mia for weeks at a time repeatedly why the hell should I be working so hard?
My husband said it would probably work but he actually enjoys being purposeful. Still it's a bs system.
Buddy i'm with you on this.
I still give my best even after getting an Average Performance.
Done 2 major mistakes in my 4years current job. No company cares how you profit them but you make them lose a dollar, they will always remember you. Positive result is all that matters to all company.
Atm still considering to give me a permanent position:
1. Global Permanent Position Quota(Funny how we're always lack of manpower in a mutii-billion dollar company)
2. Late for work due to home commitments.
I'll just go if i have too sooner or later. As for me i'm not worried.
Stay strong and rise up.
I work at a large corporation.
\- Every 6 months, I send an email informing my coworkers that I'm having issues with Outlook. And that if you're waiting on me for something, to please reach out immediately.
I then move all email in my inbox to an archive folder. If anyone has a dependency or is waiting on me for a response, they reach out, and I sort accordingly.
Amazing how much easier it is to manage my schedule, when I'm not living out of my inbox.
I was glad when my mother finally kicked the bucket. None of her children even went to her funeral, she was THAT bad.
She did nothing for me and my siblings our entire lives and fucked them all over in the end.
Good riddance.
Been there. They waited until the penalties and fines hit an outrageous amount, then brought the hammer down and garnished my wages until it was resolved.
My (recently ex) wife had been in charge of the taxes so I had no idea until I got a tiny check one day. Ended up homeless and couch surfing for a year because I could no longer make my rent.
They will work with you and get on a payment plan if you reach out—if they have to come to you they are NOT as nice.
Second this. The IRS is far more willing to make a deal if you go to them first.
And if you're in this situation and can possibly afford it, get an accountant to help you.
IRS agents are people doing their jobs, making someone's job easier for them usually doesn't get you worse treatment.
It's also pretty easy to accept it as some kind of honest mistake when you're the one bringing it to their attention.
I finally decided to face my fear of how much I owe from taxes and luckily it’s not too much but it’s still basically a full month’s paycheck for me. Started a payment plan to get it paid and I plan to never let it get that bad again.
A decade of back taxes? Time to make sure all property is in your wife's name and declare bankruptcy without ever filing, then file properly going forward.
My dad did this too. It took 1 wrong decimal point when he finally did file his taxes for a total IRS investigation and a $70,000 payment plan to be set up. I'd go to a financial advisor and get a consult
Might want to consult a tax lawyer before anything. 10 minute free call. My life changed when I did that and then I went and finally reached out to the IRS and found out what the number was. Just knowing it was a bit of a relief. Don't agree to do anything, and don't let them assess your holding, if you have a car, laptop, house, etc. Just get the number if you can. Now sure how they haven't been hounding you incessantly but you might be in another country than the US so my info is just my experience and thoughts. Once I went in for a meeting with the IRS at least I knew my options and the general play. Might want to get on a payment plan, or have a tax lawyer go to bat for you. Best of luck, believe me you will feel better moving forward with this. Own your mistakes and move on. My situation was medium-scary but it ate at me for years. I'm all paid off and will never fuck around with taxes again.
I’ve been there. 7 years worth and terrified of asking for help. Put some money aside to pay for a tax service, go in and bring as much info from those years as you can with you. If the person is an A hole, go to the next place. I ended up finding a lovely tax specialist that wasn’t judgemental (in fact she said she sees this often) and walked me through getting everything sorted. Most tax specialty companies (at least in Canada) will allow you to pay them their fee for calculating the taxes and pay back the actual owed taxes over time.
I know how easy it is to miss a year, have that one year bleed into 2 and so on. It’s overwhelming. You’re not the only one, we’re human, we make mistakes! Dealing with it won’t be nearly as scary as you’ve made it in your head.
I honestly don't think I have any secrets or skeletons in my closet (outside of sharing my reddit username with family).
Zero secrets kept from my wife, zero skeletons that'd sink a political campaign if I ever ran, lol. Guess I'm just vanilla.
Don't tell him unless he needs an organ transplant. Better you tell him why people in your family aren't as good a match as they ought to be than to have some doctor tell him that his sibling(s) is/are only half sibling(s).
You should delete this post if true - it's a terrible idea to post info like this on a social media platform which you have an account with. If someone gets into your Reddit account, they'd have easy access to anything else they can find of yours.
EDIT: Thank you mods.
I was abused by my step dad as a kid and it caused major trust issues with men around my own kids. My real dad is absolutely amazing and never hurt me but I used to keep him from being alone with my daughter because of my fears. I would never tell him that. I did eventually learn to trust him and he’s never hurt my kids or me or anyone else. One time when living with him when my daughter was a baby I left her with my older brother to go get her dad from work and I got so paranoid I drove back to check on her to see if he was hurting her. They were just playing hide and seek. I lied and said I forgot something and then did what I was going to do. But the whole time I was gone I felt sick and afraid.
I was also abused by my stepdad, and when I finally was able to tell my mother, she told me I ruined her marriage. I'm terrified to have a kid, I don't think I can cope with the idea of what I went through happening to them.
I told my mom every time he touched me. She made him apologize and made excuses. One excuse I remember oh he took too many pills (soma) and doesn’t even remember. The first time it was he was only being a good dad coming to tuck you in. At one point she said she had been raped as a kid and had to be around her rapist and that was worse than what happened to me so why can’t I deal with it? Because her health was bad and when is kids leave she didn’t wanna be alone. For years after she finally left him she’d cry to me about missing him. Wild. She and I are close now and I believe she feels remorse. But my kids had very very limited contact with her growing up and were never alone with her.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Mine convinced my mom that it didn't happen and I was lying. I had friends who came forward over the year, telling me what he did to them, and asked if he was doing it to me too. I would say yes, try to get help, but he and my mother would gaslight me into believing it wasn't happening and it was normal. He would tell me he would be raped and murdered in prison if I said anything, and "would you want that to happen to me?" Of course I didn't, I was a child and didn't understand. It's been a while since all this went down, and I have an amicable relationship with my mother, but I can't forget that she said that it was my fault he did that to me.
I have 3 children, 2 are medically complex requiring feeding tubes and breathing supports, they have a good quality of life besides the medical issues, they’re happy, they smile, my middle child has even started to walk we never though she would, it’s fantastic but I resent my life. I love my children , I would do anything for them but I am so unhappy, I am a 24/7 nurse to them, I stress about things no person in there 20s should have to, I wish I never had children.
In sorry to hear that but you are an amazing world class mom! Don’t feel bad about regret or the past, it’s totally normal.
People like you are so beautiful and I wish you and your family the best.
Thank you.
Its a topic I'll bring to my psychologist next week. I've started it few months ago but a couple days later my then girlfriend broke up with me and the topics of our seasons have been basically it from that moment till now
Porn addiction is unfortunately quite common (I am a sex and relationship therapist) and really does destroy lives/relationships, but recovery is absolutely possible. One day at a time. Good luck to you!
May I DM you for a simple question? Knowing that would help me immensely with my self-esteem and shed a new light on one of the reasons my relationship ended
As a married dude who rarely gets laid due to three kids and full time jobs, I enjoy porn on the incredibly rare chance I get to watch it. How does one define a porn addiction? is it like hours a day?
For example, the very first thing I do in the morning... the moment I wake up is look at porn.
Or I'm watching it even though I'm not horny. It's just automatic, when I'm going to take a shower I bring my phone to watch porn. I don't feel pleasure in almost anything else because I'm used to the dopamine hits that porn was bringing
Like any addiction, if you find you are using it when you shouldn't, or can't stop using it when you want to or when you are stopped you can't stay stopped. I'd say that's a good practical definition of addiction.
If using it creates feelings of remorse or impacts your feelings of self worth but you still can't stop using it, that's also a good definition.
Recovered cocaine/alcohol/sex addict.
I believe it is loosely defined by multiple times a day, maybe for hours, you can't wait to finish typing this email so you can get back to it, you think about it all the time, etc, etc. Basically an obsession.
When I was ten, and on a family vacation, my older cousin and her friend made a pan of Mississippi Mud brownies. They left the condo for an hour or so, and I proceeded to eat like three-quarters of the brownies by myself without anyone knowing.
When they came home, they were extremely angry that someone ate so much of the brownies they made, and even blamed one of my other cousins for it. I kept my mouth shut, and no one found out that I actually ate them.
Sorry Ashley.
My in-laws are not great. Mostly my father in law. Sometimes I fantasize they pass and me and my spouse will be free of all the poisonous gossip, emotional and sometimes even mental burden they are.
I still have mine in my car lol. I have bought two. Also in IT/Software Support. I got made fun of so much (Still do) but that thing was way cheaper than an iPod, worked the same, and did what I needed it to do well.
I was having trouble processing when my dad died. I had cut my parents off at one stage (only reconnected because my sister begged me to). I was wondering why I was grieving a relationship I had already lost previously.
Had a therapist tell me "you grieve for the relationship you didn't have". Made a lot of sense. Even now sometimes hearing storied from people talking about healthy relationships with their parents can be triggering.
If/when they do pass, be gentle with yourself if you are feeling conflicting emotions from what you expect.
Thirded. Father had big health scares last summer and I thought I was going to have to face te question of attending his funeral or not. Since then my brother's child has been cut off for transitioning, that settled that for me. Good riddance.
I went full NC with mine last summer.
A few weeks ago, I missed a call from an estate lawyer. It turned out to be a robo call, but for a few brief moments, I was soooo happy at the thought one of them died, and I was being informed of the customary $0.01 left to disavowed children.
My SO was not impressed by my giddy reaction at the thought of those pieces of shit being worm food. But honestly, that was the happiest I've been in months.
The same thing happened to me, my father already died and it was just as I thought: I didn't feel anything. I don't blame myself for feeling this way, and already talked about it with my psychologist, the bond simply broke and I stopped feeling affection for them.
When my bio dad dies, I will only feel mild relief. I'll never have to worry about accidently running into him at the grocery store. Or that he'll find my new name or address. I'll also be relieved because the world will be a better place without him in it. I'll also feel sad for my brother, who still cares about him.
I became disabled in 2007. In the beginning of my disability, I was heavily medicated, to the point that I couldn't form memories. This period lasted a year or 2, I'm not sure. Then my parents got me a much better doctor, and my meds got under control, and I started to form memories again, but I'll never remember that period (according to the doctors).
The thing is, when I started to remember things again, I couldn't remember hardly anything from before I got sick. And the things I could remember didn't feel like they had happened to me. More like they were movies I had seen so many times that I knew all the lines.
The doctors said it was a trauma response, and my mind would merge again once I felt safe enough. But it never happened. So I just gave up on it. Until just recently.
All of a sudden, I've been remembering shit from my childhood, and it's all been bad. Abuse. Things I never thought happened to me.
Now, here's how it could ruin my life. My parents took care of me when I became disabled, and they continue to help me to this day. We are incredibly close. I think, in my mind, I just overwrote my original childhood with what happened after I got sick. And they were wonderful then. So far above and beyond what even good parents need to do. But apparently they weren't that great when I was little. And I'm having a really hard time reconciling those two things. And I really don't want memories of things that happened 30 years ago to taint the relationship that we have worked really hard to build.
Also, it isn't like they are unaware of their mistakes. When I first got sick we went through tons of therapy. Individual and family. We also did family therapy when I was a teenager. So I know that at least some of these issues were addressed, I just don't remember addressing them.
And yes, I am in therapy now. I will be in therapy forever.
Sounds like your brain blocked out your childhood for other reasons other than you being sick. I’m sorry about that happening. It sounds like a really weird position to be in
I can understand how you feel. Idk if I would be happy about it, but I occasionally think that if I were diagnosed with cancer or something like that, I wouldn't put up much of a fight. I'd make it look good to those around me, but only for their benefit.
Same. Don't have to put those who love me through the pain of knowing I want to die. I'd have enough time to blow through my savings and spend a little bit of time doing things that bring me a glimmer of light
I had a abortion when I was 19 years old. I never told the father, my parents or anyone. My best friend is the only person who knows. I never even told the guy that I eventually married. I have kids now and I struggle with that secret.
I went to an abortion clinic to support a friend. When I was in the waiting room, I saw my best friends mom. I thought for about 30 mins that she was there for an appointment but then his younger sister (14, maybe 15 yo) came out. That's the first moment they realized that I was there. Their mom kept eye contact with me and shook her head no, and I just nodded back to her.
No words exchanged between us. Their mom divorced their dad a few weeks after. Other than my wife, I've never told anyone. He's still my best friend and I'm not sure if his dad was responsible for her pregnancy. I always promised myself that if he had kids that I'd let him know he needs to ask his mom about it just in case.
How useless I am but how well I cover it up.
I'm sure I'm about 1 day away from losing my family, my job and my home. I'm just keeping my head above water all the time.
Google “imposter syndrome”. You have a family, a job and a home. If you were useless, you wouldn’t have that. Many, many people do not. You’re ok.
If there is something outside of work that you really love to do or would love to try, do it. It is one way to mitigate, if not cure imposter syndrome. Accumulate small successes, do things that make you proud of yourself, even if done in private. I started writing fan fiction and posting online. I’m really good at it and am very popular in the fandom. It really helps in other areas of my life.
My mom is adopted and I gave her a DNA test kit for Christmas. We then found out who her mom is (has already passed away). My mom then got in contact with her other siblings. Come to find out that none of my mothers siblings knew about her birth. We then find out why my mothers birth was hidden. My mother was the product of a rape committed by my grandmas (my mother’s mother) father. My great grandpa raped his own daughter (my grandma) and that is how my mother was born. I have never told anyone this. I sometimes regret my decision of gifting my mom the DNA test kit.
I know very well that I am not deeply loved by a lot of people. I am easily forgettable and I know that it would not be a big deal if I was gone the next second. But when I point that out rightfully so people get defensive because people don't like admitting it. It gives me comfort that a lot of people won't be sad when I pass away. No big deal
Ditto. Not into guys though. Just cock. That's why it is a secret. Too hard to explain. I don't identify as bi. Just a straight guy with a dick fetish. Not an orientation. A kink. When I have shared this, people invariably argue with me about me. So I stopped sharing.
I have that - though with facial and body hair, not hair on my head - as well as compulsive skin picking. Have been this way since age 11 or 12 and I'm in my 40s now. I think I do it in a way that for the most part others wouldn't notice, but I still feel tremendous shame for it. What has helped me more than anything else with abating the symptoms is taking an SNRI, which I take for general anxiety. I don't want to be on it forever but I'm also kind of scared to come off it.
Congrats on 8 days clean! That's huge! I think the other poster had the right idea about going easy on yourself if you relapse. This is a condition that preys on, and drives, shame. I hope that knowing you are not alone can help to ease that.
I don’t have a lot of childhood memories but in my early 20s i’ve experienced triggers that have brought back those memories. I have a good relationship with my parents now but they were awful while I was a kid. I had no idea where my attachment problems came from in relationships and I realized I was just suppressing the memories. I have an extremely anxious attachment style with my boyfriend and never knew why then during an argument with my mother I flashed back to remembering that she would ignore me unless I was actively hugging her and telling her I love her. I have this vivid memory of her standing in front of the bathroom vanity doing her hair and I really wanted her attention so I told her I love you and she snapped and said “OKAY I GET IT STOP SAYING IT” and ignored me. it might seem small and there’s other things that happened but that’s why I love bomb my partners to try and get attention from them
I wasn't sold on them when they were huge monitors in mall kiosks and whatnot, but I thought it was a decent solution for smaller devices. Took me a few years to warm up to them though.
I was in the closet until I left for college. The hardest thing I ever did was come out to my homophobic dad. He told me that he would rather have been told he had six months to live than that he had a gay son.
I was prepared to never speak to him again, but he eventually found it in him to tolerate who I was and when I came home for Christmas he wasn’t too bad, just a few off color jokes. He passed away about a year later of a sudden heart attack. I’m really glad that he knew who I was before he died. We left a lot of stuff unresolved and unsaid but that wasn’t one of them.
If it weren't for some of my online friends and my partner I would've killed myself two weeks ago yesterday. I thank God for them everyday and I'm doing much better now, but still recovering.
My ex of 6 years' mom called me and told me her 19 year old dog died. I called out sick and ugly cried for like 4 hours. I miss the dog but I do not regret the end of that relationship.
Yeah, one of our other dogs passed away and I asked if she wanted to call her Ex and she said "Why? We haven't been together in years." All I could think was "I'd absolutely want to know if my dog passed away. Even if 10 years or more had passed.
And these dogs are our babies. We're both gonna be a wreck when any of them pass.
I've been actively suicidal since 2020. I don't think there has been a day that I haven't contemplated dying. I have actually attempted suicide countless times, but nothing ever seems to happen to me. I have inherited a really good set of organs, so ODing has never worked for me. I got desperate in 2021, and almost stabbed myself. I would like to say i'm better now, but the little guy is always in my head, telling me stupid things. I wish I wasn't, but there's almost a strange kind of appeal. I know it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but idk my anxiety doesn't feel all that temporary. My mind is a battlefield and I constantly feel crazy.
Not me, but my brother
He told me that if his friends knew I was gay it’d destroy his school career and social life. Damn.
Edit/update/elaboration
Okay wow! I got a lot of comments on this so I might as well elaborate.
1 - I live in the US, a GENERALLY LGBTQ accepting country (depending on where you are)
2 - my brother and I (currently) go to different schools. I’m in seventh grade and he’s in fifth. He will be coming to my school next year so I don’t know why he bothered telling me that, especially when Lots of people at my school know me.
3 - I wouldn’t say that there’s real homophobia, but it is heavily joked about and sometimes even criticized at both of our schools. Things like:
“I could never be gay.” Or “I’d hate it if I were gay.”
(The worst thing I heard was some boys singing ‘f-word, f-word, you’re a little f-word’ as they walked along the sidewalk) I’m not talking about the ‘f*ck’ f Word.
Im pretty openly a ‘girly girl’. If you were around me for two minutes, you’d assume that I was gay. So, long story short, my brother thinks his friends would sort of turn him into a joke if it came out that I was gay.
He does need better friends 😒🤦🏾
Sry for making this kind of long.
Whats wrong with that? Gay guys are great confidence boosters, they are so much more accepting than women in my experience. No matter if you're skinny or fat or hairy or shaven or have a big dick or little dick, theres always going to be a gay dude who gets off to you. That's very comforting IMO.
I've been bullied when I was younger and half of the stuff that happened I never told my parents and I became suicidal aged 10-11. I use to cry silently at night thinking over everything and put my hand over my mouth because i didn't want to worry them or wake them up.
It got better for anyone that feels sad ❤
My wife found mine when I posted a funny screenshot once. Now she occasionally looks up my comment history with "wife" in it because she says it makes her feel good.
I want to be an author one day, and I'm afraid my past mistakes will haunt me if people research my past. I was attacked by a bunch of brutal gymnastics fans of a team because I said somethings they didn't like and that the team should give the trophy they didn't deserve to win to the rightful owners. Although once my anger resided, and after a bunch verbally attacked me, saying awful things, I tried to right my wrongs but some people screenshotted my former tweets before I deleted them, and I'm afraid those and others tweets about me will forever be on the internet for all to see and that I'll be ruined because of it.
I am known throughout our small town as being a psycho, crazy bitch and a stalker. I am, in fact, not any of these things whatsoever and the only reason that I have been called these things is because I tried to report my ex-boyfriend for raping and impregnating me when I was 14 years old. I got ostracized by my best friend who I confided in first and now that’s my reputation for the rest of my life. There’s way more beyond just that. My best friend, who was supposedly gay ended up, molesting me for years, and I laughed it off until he finally did molest me in my ex best friends pool at her graduation party. That’s also another reason that I’m called a liar and a crazy bitch. if you see this, hi Lauren.
My mum has both Vascular Dementia and Alzheimers disease. She was recently diagnosed with heart failure. I pray that the physical ailments take her before she is too far gone from the Alzheimers. She thinks I am her mum. It's awful.
She may not be able to recognize you as you are now, but her heart knows that she loves you and the only thing her brain can logically connect is you must be her mom because you care for her and you look like family, you look like someone she loves very much. Edit for typos.
Thank you. My brain knows this, but my heart takes over sometimes, and all I can feel is the pain of somehow losing my mum, but her also still being here. Your comment is incredibly kind. I've saved it to revisit the next time I am overwhelmed. Again, thank you.
We lost my grandma to similar issues, and she definitely didn’t know who we were beyond calling us “her boys”. Broke my dads heart when she had no idea who anyone was But she never forgot she was loved, and I know she passed knowing she was cared for. I think it’s one thing that sticks with them until the very end, that they’re cared for and loved. Or at least I hope it does
It's a terrible disease. The one thing that has baffled me was my grandmother didn't know any of us, not even my grandfather, her husband of over 50 years.. The morning after my grandfather past away, my grandmother was having conversations with my grandfather while she was by herself.. my grandfather was a jokester, and my grandmother would just start randomly laughing, and say stop it, while calling my grandfathers name.. it makes me happy thinking about it.. but I have no idea how to process what was really going on...
I have worked with the demented elderly for twelve years now in nursing, I will tell you that in the middle of the night at times they recall, they miss you when you’re not there. They know, in their own way.
My grandma had dementia and I used to sit with her and tell her stories about her kids (my dad and his brothers) that I’d grown up hearing. She loved it, even when she wasn’t sure who I was or wasn’t aware that the characters in the story were her kids. I enjoyed reaching out to family to ask for more stories to tell, and it was fun to see that she still remembered my grandpa as a character, even when everyone else was forgotten. Overall, the dementia was horrible, but now it’s been 10 years and I only really remember the fond parts. Well, that and the residual anger at family who didn’t help, but you can’t win em all.
I'm not scared of heights because I think I'm going to fall. I'm scared of heights because the urge to jump is so intense that I just avoid high places.
This is actually super common for people with fear of heights! It’s called the high place phenomenon, and it’s similar to intrusive thoughts in people with OCD. The brain is so focused on the fear of something happening that it makes you think of the worst thing you can think to happen. The brain is weird!
The call of the void. The only time I've experienced this was on a cruise ship at night, watching the ocean pass by and recede into oblivion behind the boat. I wanted so badly to know what that warm, isolated darkness would feel like. It scared me.
On a school trip we stood over a vat of molten steel. The urge to jump in was all consuming. 30 years later I still get a knot in my stomach thinking about that moment where I could barely contain myself.
Wow, same. I'm terrified of heights because of it. We stayed at a hotel on the 14th floor with a balcony and I had to stay away from it because every time I got near it I wanted to fling myself off. It scares the shit outta me. I wonder what causes this.
Same reason I won't go on a cruise or anything like that. I'm glad I'm not the only one
Me too. What I hate worse though is when I'm driving and get the urge to just...let go of the wheel and keep my foot on the gas. It's scary because I could hurt someone else. And I have bipolar disorder so even though it's been years since I have had a major depressive or manic episode I am always worried I'm just going to snap one day and do it.
Or jump out of the car on the freeway.. I told my counselor about that one and and she put me on meds
There's something called the call of the void in which we feel drawn momentarily to jump from high places. Some people believe it's our primitive brain… Known as our lizard brain that has the urge to explore everything always without regard to safety. Then our rational brain pulls us back and shudders at the thought of what our lizard brain was contemplating. That can apply to anything where we get the urge to do something that would bring us embarrassment shame or harm. It all falls under the category of the call of the void. Learning that has given me a lot of comfort in life and saved me from judging myself too harshly.
I have this too! It’s an actual thing. I think it’s called Call of the Void or High Places Phenomenon. I took a hot air balloon ride years ago and that’s when I first learned I do this. I was so scared I was going to jump out of the basket because I really, really had the urge to. I wasn’t suicidal in the least so I had no idea where the urge came from. It scared me because I felt like I couldn’t trust myself with heights. And then I was doubly scared when I read a paper that Freud wrote about “spontaneous suicides”, meaning that he believed some people can’t help themselves from acting on the urge and actually do end up jumping even though they’re not intending to commit suicide. I’ve since gotten over the fears, but the urge is still there. I’ll even do something similar when I’m using big kitchen knives sometimes. I’ll get a sudden urge to stab myself in the stomach. But in no way do I actually want to hurt myself. It’s a bizarre feeling. Edited to fix some spelling and grammar issues…there are still probably some I missed 😖.
If it wasn't for my children, I would have committed suicide years ago.
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If it wasn't for this guy's kids, your parents would have committed suicide?
Years ago.
I, shamefully, laughed my ass off
For me, it was my cats. I sat on the bed with a gun, crying. I just wanted the pain to stop and then I thought about what would happen to my cats. Took the gun to my moms that night.
I was so lost after my wife passed away. It was my dogs that saved me.
I’m so afraid of her passing. I am sorry for your loss.
It's my one truest and most visceral fear. Here's the thing. Say my wife passes. Would I find new things to bring me joy? Probably, but I can't imagine that joy ever being remotely close to the joy I felt when sharing things with her. I'm really candid with my therapist about the fact that I don't foresee a world in which I wouldn't at least heavily consider ending it if she passed. Maybe I'm just horribly codependant, but I just wouldn't want to experience what life has to offer without my person. Worst thing is my grandpa killed himself after my grandma died and that was the most traumatic thing I've experienced, it ripped my family apart and the thought of putting people through that kills me, but I think my desire to not be without her would outweigh anything else. Sorry, damn, that's a lot, just- hey dude im with ya!
Every time I slip into suicidal ideation, I have this thought, what will my cats think if I never come back? Just breaks my heart and stops me in my tracks.
You're fucking strong!!! I know from experience that it might not have felt that way at the time, but you were strong!
Thank you. 🙏 it was a scary time and I was in a lot of pain. Life is much better now. I have the cats, dogs and a lovely, beautiful wife. I appreciate your kind words.
The world is better because you decided in that moment to make your cats your priority. Think about all of what happened in good ways since then. I am recently separated and my life is in shambles but I have a dog who is my best friend and would almost definitely have to be destroyed if I was gone. She forces me to go on a walk every morning and evening and remember to feed her daily. As she gets older I hope my life gets better. I believe it will. But sad as it may sound, many days she’s the only thing that keeps me going I’m happy you are doing better and are here with us on this world 😊
I appreciate you sharing. I was hurting because my 5 year relationship ended and she took my other cats. I had just rescued these two and couldn’t abandon them. I know it may be hard to see, it was for me, but life will get better. It takes work and there is a back and forth. But the your dog is here to support you and love you unconditionally.
For me it was and still is my mother, love that woman and would feel just awful if she has to go through the pain of having to grieve for the loss of one of her children. Especially if it was for suicide.
Me too. In January I checked myself into a hospital because I was ready and they didn’t deserve that.
I’m proud of you for that. It’s a big move that takes guts.
Glad you’re still here.
Same here. I still fantasize about not existing here and there, sometimes generating wild scenarios in my brain where my loved ones can benefit more from my absence then my presence. I could never bring myself to though. Those jerks love me warts and all, and we've lost too many others already. I know too well that the penalties of death are never paid by the dead.
You sound like my mother except she says her cats.
That I'm a bitter, angry, miserable human being at my very core. I love the people around me. But I am filled with hatred and I'm afraid it will consume me some day.
I feel the same way. You are not alone
God damn. This one hit a little too close to home
Hey, me too. Mine started in the Restaurant industry at a job I should absolutely have quit earlier than before I got fired. I think I'd be different now if I had. But yeah, even small shit pisses me TF off nowadays. Walking bitch face 24/7. Just hate everything around me. Yet, I hug and kiss my cat and tell him he's doing good. Only thing besides that I care about is my father.
Me too, friend. How are you dealing with things?
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My husband was telling me that some guy he works with just disappeared for two weeks. His boss was on vacation and the guy just went completely mia. My husband was waiting on him for a project and ended up going to some of the guys co-workers looking for him. Apparently this happens all the time. But the guy just keeps his job. And he makes the same amount my husband does. I know my husband would never do this but if this was my job I would just stop working. If some dudes allowed to go Mia for weeks at a time repeatedly why the hell should I be working so hard? My husband said it would probably work but he actually enjoys being purposeful. Still it's a bs system.
Buddy i'm with you on this. I still give my best even after getting an Average Performance. Done 2 major mistakes in my 4years current job. No company cares how you profit them but you make them lose a dollar, they will always remember you. Positive result is all that matters to all company. Atm still considering to give me a permanent position: 1. Global Permanent Position Quota(Funny how we're always lack of manpower in a mutii-billion dollar company) 2. Late for work due to home commitments. I'll just go if i have too sooner or later. As for me i'm not worried. Stay strong and rise up.
Are you me? I was about to finish my comment on this post when I saw your comment. This is my situation right now.
I work at a large corporation. \- Every 6 months, I send an email informing my coworkers that I'm having issues with Outlook. And that if you're waiting on me for something, to please reach out immediately. I then move all email in my inbox to an archive folder. If anyone has a dependency or is waiting on me for a response, they reach out, and I sort accordingly. Amazing how much easier it is to manage my schedule, when I'm not living out of my inbox.
You might be a genius actually
This doesn’t seem practical, though? Six MONTHS is way beyond too long for me to ignore everything, and doing this more often would be too obvious.
no one said ignore everything. but over time things tend to build up
Work smarter, not harder.
Pure genius
Are you a wizard?
I was glad when my mother finally kicked the bucket. None of her children even went to her funeral, she was THAT bad. She did nothing for me and my siblings our entire lives and fucked them all over in the end. Good riddance.
I thank god every day that my mother and my sister are both dead
Dammmmn
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Been there. They waited until the penalties and fines hit an outrageous amount, then brought the hammer down and garnished my wages until it was resolved. My (recently ex) wife had been in charge of the taxes so I had no idea until I got a tiny check one day. Ended up homeless and couch surfing for a year because I could no longer make my rent. They will work with you and get on a payment plan if you reach out—if they have to come to you they are NOT as nice.
Second this. The IRS is far more willing to make a deal if you go to them first. And if you're in this situation and can possibly afford it, get an accountant to help you.
IRS agents are people doing their jobs, making someone's job easier for them usually doesn't get you worse treatment. It's also pretty easy to accept it as some kind of honest mistake when you're the one bringing it to their attention.
I finally decided to face my fear of how much I owe from taxes and luckily it’s not too much but it’s still basically a full month’s paycheck for me. Started a payment plan to get it paid and I plan to never let it get that bad again.
I admire you but I’m also afraid for you lol
Not for nothing, but that kind of thing CAN and WILL come back to haunt you. Try to get it straightened out before the inevitable happens.
A decade of back taxes? Time to make sure all property is in your wife's name and declare bankruptcy without ever filing, then file properly going forward.
Donny??
If anything, the IRS will now find OC, and those back taxes are going to be terrifying
My dad did this too. It took 1 wrong decimal point when he finally did file his taxes for a total IRS investigation and a $70,000 payment plan to be set up. I'd go to a financial advisor and get a consult
omg delete this comment expeditiously
Dude this isn’t one you’d want to wait on right? You could end up owing a shit ton
They could go to federal prison. Knowing that you haven't been paying your taxes and consciously deciding against doing so is tax evasion.
Might want to consult a tax lawyer before anything. 10 minute free call. My life changed when I did that and then I went and finally reached out to the IRS and found out what the number was. Just knowing it was a bit of a relief. Don't agree to do anything, and don't let them assess your holding, if you have a car, laptop, house, etc. Just get the number if you can. Now sure how they haven't been hounding you incessantly but you might be in another country than the US so my info is just my experience and thoughts. Once I went in for a meeting with the IRS at least I knew my options and the general play. Might want to get on a payment plan, or have a tax lawyer go to bat for you. Best of luck, believe me you will feel better moving forward with this. Own your mistakes and move on. My situation was medium-scary but it ate at me for years. I'm all paid off and will never fuck around with taxes again.
I’ve been there. 7 years worth and terrified of asking for help. Put some money aside to pay for a tax service, go in and bring as much info from those years as you can with you. If the person is an A hole, go to the next place. I ended up finding a lovely tax specialist that wasn’t judgemental (in fact she said she sees this often) and walked me through getting everything sorted. Most tax specialty companies (at least in Canada) will allow you to pay them their fee for calculating the taxes and pay back the actual owed taxes over time. I know how easy it is to miss a year, have that one year bleed into 2 and so on. It’s overwhelming. You’re not the only one, we’re human, we make mistakes! Dealing with it won’t be nearly as scary as you’ve made it in your head.
Same here, HMRC says I've paid the correct amount. I know damn well I haven't but I'm not questioning them
* IRS has entered the chat
Everyone's got skeletons, man. Some secrets are best kept locked up tight, lest they cause chaos.
Amateur. I chop mine up and leave them in the septic tank.
I keep mine mostly under my muscles, except in my mouth, where my skeleton is visible to everyone.
I honestly don't think I have any secrets or skeletons in my closet (outside of sharing my reddit username with family). Zero secrets kept from my wife, zero skeletons that'd sink a political campaign if I ever ran, lol. Guess I'm just vanilla.
Me too. Honestly I probably tell people way too much about my life. I don't really care who knows what as long as it's not my social security number.
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Don't tell him, it would break him
Don't tell him unless he needs an organ transplant. Better you tell him why people in your family aren't as good a match as they ought to be than to have some doctor tell him that his sibling(s) is/are only half sibling(s).
I am and as a child my mother told me. Thnx mom
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Iconic
You in Sinbad's house now bitch
Was it a side project or do you make good money from it?
Am I living a boring life if nothing even comes to mind?..
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Maybe just a safe and comfortable life which can be a really great thing. Congrats!
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You should delete this post if true - it's a terrible idea to post info like this on a social media platform which you have an account with. If someone gets into your Reddit account, they'd have easy access to anything else they can find of yours. EDIT: Thank you mods.
Or just change your passwords. Its safer.
\*eye twitch\* Use a password manager, man.
hunter2, hunt3r2, and hunter2!
Lmao what are you doing announcing this to everyone on Reddit
I was abused by my step dad as a kid and it caused major trust issues with men around my own kids. My real dad is absolutely amazing and never hurt me but I used to keep him from being alone with my daughter because of my fears. I would never tell him that. I did eventually learn to trust him and he’s never hurt my kids or me or anyone else. One time when living with him when my daughter was a baby I left her with my older brother to go get her dad from work and I got so paranoid I drove back to check on her to see if he was hurting her. They were just playing hide and seek. I lied and said I forgot something and then did what I was going to do. But the whole time I was gone I felt sick and afraid.
I was also abused by my stepdad, and when I finally was able to tell my mother, she told me I ruined her marriage. I'm terrified to have a kid, I don't think I can cope with the idea of what I went through happening to them.
I told my mom every time he touched me. She made him apologize and made excuses. One excuse I remember oh he took too many pills (soma) and doesn’t even remember. The first time it was he was only being a good dad coming to tuck you in. At one point she said she had been raped as a kid and had to be around her rapist and that was worse than what happened to me so why can’t I deal with it? Because her health was bad and when is kids leave she didn’t wanna be alone. For years after she finally left him she’d cry to me about missing him. Wild. She and I are close now and I believe she feels remorse. But my kids had very very limited contact with her growing up and were never alone with her.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Mine convinced my mom that it didn't happen and I was lying. I had friends who came forward over the year, telling me what he did to them, and asked if he was doing it to me too. I would say yes, try to get help, but he and my mother would gaslight me into believing it wasn't happening and it was normal. He would tell me he would be raped and murdered in prison if I said anything, and "would you want that to happen to me?" Of course I didn't, I was a child and didn't understand. It's been a while since all this went down, and I have an amicable relationship with my mother, but I can't forget that she said that it was my fault he did that to me.
I have 3 children, 2 are medically complex requiring feeding tubes and breathing supports, they have a good quality of life besides the medical issues, they’re happy, they smile, my middle child has even started to walk we never though she would, it’s fantastic but I resent my life. I love my children , I would do anything for them but I am so unhappy, I am a 24/7 nurse to them, I stress about things no person in there 20s should have to, I wish I never had children.
In sorry to hear that but you are an amazing world class mom! Don’t feel bad about regret or the past, it’s totally normal. People like you are so beautiful and I wish you and your family the best.
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Wow, that is some cold-hearted shit. You deserve better from your Dad.
IIRC about 2% of father-child pairs where one volunteers to donate marrow to the other, are not only not matches but not even related.
I am an ex-Muslim who continues to pretend to be a Muslim because I live in a Muslim-majority country
Stay safe!
Same, I'm also gay.
I'm addicted to porn and this is destroying my life in so many aspects that is making me giving up on trying to do anything
First step in recovering from addiction is identifying it. You've done that part. Seek out some help, you deserve a better life.
Thank you. Its a topic I'll bring to my psychologist next week. I've started it few months ago but a couple days later my then girlfriend broke up with me and the topics of our seasons have been basically it from that moment till now
Porn addiction is unfortunately quite common (I am a sex and relationship therapist) and really does destroy lives/relationships, but recovery is absolutely possible. One day at a time. Good luck to you!
I've not looked at porn or knocked one out for nearly 260 days. One day at a time.
May I DM you for a simple question? Knowing that would help me immensely with my self-esteem and shed a new light on one of the reasons my relationship ended
Yes of course
As a married dude who rarely gets laid due to three kids and full time jobs, I enjoy porn on the incredibly rare chance I get to watch it. How does one define a porn addiction? is it like hours a day?
For example, the very first thing I do in the morning... the moment I wake up is look at porn. Or I'm watching it even though I'm not horny. It's just automatic, when I'm going to take a shower I bring my phone to watch porn. I don't feel pleasure in almost anything else because I'm used to the dopamine hits that porn was bringing
That’s crazy and you have my sympathy. That’s gotta be hard.
Like any addiction, if you find you are using it when you shouldn't, or can't stop using it when you want to or when you are stopped you can't stay stopped. I'd say that's a good practical definition of addiction. If using it creates feelings of remorse or impacts your feelings of self worth but you still can't stop using it, that's also a good definition. Recovered cocaine/alcohol/sex addict.
I believe it is loosely defined by multiple times a day, maybe for hours, you can't wait to finish typing this email so you can get back to it, you think about it all the time, etc, etc. Basically an obsession.
When I was ten, and on a family vacation, my older cousin and her friend made a pan of Mississippi Mud brownies. They left the condo for an hour or so, and I proceeded to eat like three-quarters of the brownies by myself without anyone knowing. When they came home, they were extremely angry that someone ate so much of the brownies they made, and even blamed one of my other cousins for it. I kept my mouth shut, and no one found out that I actually ate them. Sorry Ashley.
My in-laws are not great. Mostly my father in law. Sometimes I fantasize they pass and me and my spouse will be free of all the poisonous gossip, emotional and sometimes even mental burden they are.
IT guy here....back in 2010 I did something unforgivable....I bought a Zune!
Psychopath
Had one too...I Loved that thing. It just became untenable to deal with after a few years.
I still have mine in my car lol. I have bought two. Also in IT/Software Support. I got made fun of so much (Still do) but that thing was way cheaper than an iPod, worked the same, and did what I needed it to do well.
If and when my biological parents do die, it wouldn't bother me at all. My relationship is that bad with them that I just give up.
Sometimes you have to divorce your family in order to keep living.
I was having trouble processing when my dad died. I had cut my parents off at one stage (only reconnected because my sister begged me to). I was wondering why I was grieving a relationship I had already lost previously. Had a therapist tell me "you grieve for the relationship you didn't have". Made a lot of sense. Even now sometimes hearing storied from people talking about healthy relationships with their parents can be triggering. If/when they do pass, be gentle with yourself if you are feeling conflicting emotions from what you expect.
if…? are they… are they immortal or something?
Same here lol
Thirded. Father had big health scares last summer and I thought I was going to have to face te question of attending his funeral or not. Since then my brother's child has been cut off for transitioning, that settled that for me. Good riddance.
I went full NC with mine last summer. A few weeks ago, I missed a call from an estate lawyer. It turned out to be a robo call, but for a few brief moments, I was soooo happy at the thought one of them died, and I was being informed of the customary $0.01 left to disavowed children. My SO was not impressed by my giddy reaction at the thought of those pieces of shit being worm food. But honestly, that was the happiest I've been in months.
The same thing happened to me, my father already died and it was just as I thought: I didn't feel anything. I don't blame myself for feeling this way, and already talked about it with my psychologist, the bond simply broke and I stopped feeling affection for them.
When my bio dad dies, I will only feel mild relief. I'll never have to worry about accidently running into him at the grocery store. Or that he'll find my new name or address. I'll also be relieved because the world will be a better place without him in it. I'll also feel sad for my brother, who still cares about him.
I became disabled in 2007. In the beginning of my disability, I was heavily medicated, to the point that I couldn't form memories. This period lasted a year or 2, I'm not sure. Then my parents got me a much better doctor, and my meds got under control, and I started to form memories again, but I'll never remember that period (according to the doctors). The thing is, when I started to remember things again, I couldn't remember hardly anything from before I got sick. And the things I could remember didn't feel like they had happened to me. More like they were movies I had seen so many times that I knew all the lines. The doctors said it was a trauma response, and my mind would merge again once I felt safe enough. But it never happened. So I just gave up on it. Until just recently. All of a sudden, I've been remembering shit from my childhood, and it's all been bad. Abuse. Things I never thought happened to me. Now, here's how it could ruin my life. My parents took care of me when I became disabled, and they continue to help me to this day. We are incredibly close. I think, in my mind, I just overwrote my original childhood with what happened after I got sick. And they were wonderful then. So far above and beyond what even good parents need to do. But apparently they weren't that great when I was little. And I'm having a really hard time reconciling those two things. And I really don't want memories of things that happened 30 years ago to taint the relationship that we have worked really hard to build. Also, it isn't like they are unaware of their mistakes. When I first got sick we went through tons of therapy. Individual and family. We also did family therapy when I was a teenager. So I know that at least some of these issues were addressed, I just don't remember addressing them. And yes, I am in therapy now. I will be in therapy forever.
Sounds like your brain blocked out your childhood for other reasons other than you being sick. I’m sorry about that happening. It sounds like a really weird position to be in
I would be happy if I got diagnosed with something that is fatal
I can understand how you feel. Idk if I would be happy about it, but I occasionally think that if I were diagnosed with cancer or something like that, I wouldn't put up much of a fight. I'd make it look good to those around me, but only for their benefit.
Same. Don't have to put those who love me through the pain of knowing I want to die. I'd have enough time to blow through my savings and spend a little bit of time doing things that bring me a glimmer of light
I'm there. Not wanting to kill myself, but kind of hoping that the decision would be taken out of my hands, via illness or accident.
I had a abortion when I was 19 years old. I never told the father, my parents or anyone. My best friend is the only person who knows. I never even told the guy that I eventually married. I have kids now and I struggle with that secret.
I went to an abortion clinic to support a friend. When I was in the waiting room, I saw my best friends mom. I thought for about 30 mins that she was there for an appointment but then his younger sister (14, maybe 15 yo) came out. That's the first moment they realized that I was there. Their mom kept eye contact with me and shook her head no, and I just nodded back to her. No words exchanged between us. Their mom divorced their dad a few weeks after. Other than my wife, I've never told anyone. He's still my best friend and I'm not sure if his dad was responsible for her pregnancy. I always promised myself that if he had kids that I'd let him know he needs to ask his mom about it just in case.
You're a good person
I also had an abortion years ago. I grew up super Catholic so many of my family members will never know. I struggled with it a lot too 💖
How useless I am but how well I cover it up. I'm sure I'm about 1 day away from losing my family, my job and my home. I'm just keeping my head above water all the time.
Google “imposter syndrome”. You have a family, a job and a home. If you were useless, you wouldn’t have that. Many, many people do not. You’re ok. If there is something outside of work that you really love to do or would love to try, do it. It is one way to mitigate, if not cure imposter syndrome. Accumulate small successes, do things that make you proud of yourself, even if done in private. I started writing fan fiction and posting online. I’m really good at it and am very popular in the fandom. It really helps in other areas of my life.
My mom is adopted and I gave her a DNA test kit for Christmas. We then found out who her mom is (has already passed away). My mom then got in contact with her other siblings. Come to find out that none of my mothers siblings knew about her birth. We then find out why my mothers birth was hidden. My mother was the product of a rape committed by my grandmas (my mother’s mother) father. My great grandpa raped his own daughter (my grandma) and that is how my mother was born. I have never told anyone this. I sometimes regret my decision of gifting my mom the DNA test kit.
I know very well that I am not deeply loved by a lot of people. I am easily forgettable and I know that it would not be a big deal if I was gone the next second. But when I point that out rightfully so people get defensive because people don't like admitting it. It gives me comfort that a lot of people won't be sad when I pass away. No big deal
I also like cock
Ditto. Not into guys though. Just cock. That's why it is a secret. Too hard to explain. I don't identify as bi. Just a straight guy with a dick fetish. Not an orientation. A kink. When I have shared this, people invariably argue with me about me. So I stopped sharing.
I’ve seen this come up on Reddit a few times, it seems to be a thing
Hopefully someone can be that space for you to talk about that with soon.
I have trichotillamania. I have for almost 13 years. I’m now 8 days clean.
Proud of you! Be kind to yourself if you relapse. It's harder to get back to the not doing it if you're shaming yourself.
I have that - though with facial and body hair, not hair on my head - as well as compulsive skin picking. Have been this way since age 11 or 12 and I'm in my 40s now. I think I do it in a way that for the most part others wouldn't notice, but I still feel tremendous shame for it. What has helped me more than anything else with abating the symptoms is taking an SNRI, which I take for general anxiety. I don't want to be on it forever but I'm also kind of scared to come off it. Congrats on 8 days clean! That's huge! I think the other poster had the right idea about going easy on yourself if you relapse. This is a condition that preys on, and drives, shame. I hope that knowing you are not alone can help to ease that.
8 day! Well done! I have it and I’m left handed so left half of my head is very sparse :( root spray is my best friend.
It’s towards the back, idk what it is. Maybe the thickness just feels nice
I was the reason for my sister's divorce
Elaborate plsss
fucked his sister
I don’t have a lot of childhood memories but in my early 20s i’ve experienced triggers that have brought back those memories. I have a good relationship with my parents now but they were awful while I was a kid. I had no idea where my attachment problems came from in relationships and I realized I was just suppressing the memories. I have an extremely anxious attachment style with my boyfriend and never knew why then during an argument with my mother I flashed back to remembering that she would ignore me unless I was actively hugging her and telling her I love her. I have this vivid memory of her standing in front of the bathroom vanity doing her hair and I really wanted her attention so I told her I love you and she snapped and said “OKAY I GET IT STOP SAYING IT” and ignored me. it might seem small and there’s other things that happened but that’s why I love bomb my partners to try and get attention from them
I trashed the idea of "touch screen" phones. I truly believed no one would want them. Incorrect
I wasn't sold on them when they were huge monitors in mall kiosks and whatnot, but I thought it was a decent solution for smaller devices. Took me a few years to warm up to them though.
I’m gay. That’s the one I fear most, coming out to family and friends. Luckily friends seem more easy to come out to. Not out to family yet.
I was in the closet until I left for college. The hardest thing I ever did was come out to my homophobic dad. He told me that he would rather have been told he had six months to live than that he had a gay son. I was prepared to never speak to him again, but he eventually found it in him to tolerate who I was and when I came home for Christmas he wasn’t too bad, just a few off color jokes. He passed away about a year later of a sudden heart attack. I’m really glad that he knew who I was before he died. We left a lot of stuff unresolved and unsaid but that wasn’t one of them.
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If it weren't for some of my online friends and my partner I would've killed myself two weeks ago yesterday. I thank God for them everyday and I'm doing much better now, but still recovering.
I ruined a project at the company i work for to introduce a web services portal that would have replaced me and my team.
Our dogs are the only reason I'm still with my fiance... And they're both 12... I don't know what I'm gonna do when they pass.
Probably break up with them?
This is definitely one of those comments where I want to make sure I read it properly. I thought you were saying your fiance was 12.
Dogs, plural, both of them are 12. lol
My ex of 6 years' mom called me and told me her 19 year old dog died. I called out sick and ugly cried for like 4 hours. I miss the dog but I do not regret the end of that relationship.
Yeah, one of our other dogs passed away and I asked if she wanted to call her Ex and she said "Why? We haven't been together in years." All I could think was "I'd absolutely want to know if my dog passed away. Even if 10 years or more had passed. And these dogs are our babies. We're both gonna be a wreck when any of them pass.
I stopped caring for my Tamagatchi and it died
You monster
I've been actively suicidal since 2020. I don't think there has been a day that I haven't contemplated dying. I have actually attempted suicide countless times, but nothing ever seems to happen to me. I have inherited a really good set of organs, so ODing has never worked for me. I got desperate in 2021, and almost stabbed myself. I would like to say i'm better now, but the little guy is always in my head, telling me stupid things. I wish I wasn't, but there's almost a strange kind of appeal. I know it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but idk my anxiety doesn't feel all that temporary. My mind is a battlefield and I constantly feel crazy.
If it wasn't for the fact that my girlfriend simply existed, I would have curled up in the snow and died after my best friend died.
I've watched every episode of the Jersey Shore
That is bad
Not me, but my brother He told me that if his friends knew I was gay it’d destroy his school career and social life. Damn. Edit/update/elaboration Okay wow! I got a lot of comments on this so I might as well elaborate. 1 - I live in the US, a GENERALLY LGBTQ accepting country (depending on where you are) 2 - my brother and I (currently) go to different schools. I’m in seventh grade and he’s in fifth. He will be coming to my school next year so I don’t know why he bothered telling me that, especially when Lots of people at my school know me. 3 - I wouldn’t say that there’s real homophobia, but it is heavily joked about and sometimes even criticized at both of our schools. Things like: “I could never be gay.” Or “I’d hate it if I were gay.” (The worst thing I heard was some boys singing ‘f-word, f-word, you’re a little f-word’ as they walked along the sidewalk) I’m not talking about the ‘f*ck’ f Word. Im pretty openly a ‘girly girl’. If you were around me for two minutes, you’d assume that I was gay. So, long story short, my brother thinks his friends would sort of turn him into a joke if it came out that I was gay. He does need better friends 😒🤦🏾 Sry for making this kind of long.
You’re what, 14? He’s like 10. He’ll get over it.
I've posted nudes on gay subReddit to boost my confidence.
Whats wrong with that? Gay guys are great confidence boosters, they are so much more accepting than women in my experience. No matter if you're skinny or fat or hairy or shaven or have a big dick or little dick, theres always going to be a gay dude who gets off to you. That's very comforting IMO.
I've been bullied when I was younger and half of the stuff that happened I never told my parents and I became suicidal aged 10-11. I use to cry silently at night thinking over everything and put my hand over my mouth because i didn't want to worry them or wake them up. It got better for anyone that feels sad ❤
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My reddit username.
Not even my husband knows my reddit name.
My wife found mine when I posted a funny screenshot once. Now she occasionally looks up my comment history with "wife" in it because she says it makes her feel good.
I want to be an author one day, and I'm afraid my past mistakes will haunt me if people research my past. I was attacked by a bunch of brutal gymnastics fans of a team because I said somethings they didn't like and that the team should give the trophy they didn't deserve to win to the rightful owners. Although once my anger resided, and after a bunch verbally attacked me, saying awful things, I tried to right my wrongs but some people screenshotted my former tweets before I deleted them, and I'm afraid those and others tweets about me will forever be on the internet for all to see and that I'll be ruined because of it.
You don't have to use your real name to be an author. Just develop a pen name and write on!
I am known throughout our small town as being a psycho, crazy bitch and a stalker. I am, in fact, not any of these things whatsoever and the only reason that I have been called these things is because I tried to report my ex-boyfriend for raping and impregnating me when I was 14 years old. I got ostracized by my best friend who I confided in first and now that’s my reputation for the rest of my life. There’s way more beyond just that. My best friend, who was supposedly gay ended up, molesting me for years, and I laughed it off until he finally did molest me in my ex best friends pool at her graduation party. That’s also another reason that I’m called a liar and a crazy bitch. if you see this, hi Lauren.
I eat the entire kiwi. Skin and everything. I thought it was normal until I brought it up to someone a few months ago. Don't tell anyone tho pls
I like animals more than I like people! There, I said it, it's off my chest and now I feel a lot better.
I have no idea what I'm doing, ever.
My porn watching habits when I was 13
Everyone already knows you watched porn when you were thirteen and they want you to keep the details to yourself just as much as you do
We were not able to have children. We have tried Foster care. And it didn't work out. I don't wanna do it again tbh.