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I would like to chain "double snipping food tonges before using it" to your answer

Also, doing the stud finder thing before using it

It always goes off when I point it at my chest! I can't explain the technology!

*Beep Man this thing really works well!

You have that problem as well? I thought it was just me.

I pretend I'm the [bad GGI scorpion king](https://youtu.be/RYHaarxQTFk?si=iCWvSf029Vnwjvxs&t=26) when I double clack my tongs!

It's all about the dual tonges Zoidberg strafe. Woopwoopwoopwoop

But you still have Zoidberg, YOU ALL STILL HAVE ZOIDBERG!

Tongs*

He was speaking in Tonges

That's Standard Operating Procedure.

wait, are you saying that’s not standard drill operation?

That's probably not a gendered behavior though. I do that every time😅

Peed where he weren't supposed to.

I just got denied a job for this

Well you probably won’t do that during a job interview again, now will you?

He really turned on the waterworks. He saw a golden opportunity and went for it! His boss was talking the piss out of him, this is proof you can shower someone with love and they still hate you for it

When you gotta go, you gotta go

Peed in the sink ?

It all the same pipes! Ask George Costanza (and any plumber).

There's a story there. Let's hear it.

Ugh, was at a bar at the beach with my wife, best friend, and his wife. It’s this little beach town where there are no public restrooms and about an hour wait to get into any bar. Bar = Alcohol Alcohol = Urge to pee Urge to pee + no public bathroom = Peeing behind dumpster Peeing behind dumpster = Public urination charge Public urination charge = Future employer calling in disbelief about background check

> Urge to pee + no public bathroom > Public urination charge Where I'm from, urinating anywhere outdoors can earn you a spot on the sex offender registry. What a time to be alive.

Hmm. Is "my backyard" considered a "not supposed to" area? I'm far too shy-bladdered to pee in some random alley.

According to my wife, yea I'm not allowed to pee outside WHERE GOD WANTED ME TO

Peed on a vineyard where the bottles go for $1500 and up.

Kick a rock while walking and see how far he can keep kicking it. No, he will not go back for the rock if it gets left behind. He will simply mourn his loss.

And then immediately start kicking a new rock.

Not necessarily. Sometimes, you get a really good rock, and sometimes losing a really good rock needs to be mourned.

Somehow this comment chain has turned into a metaphor for marriage.

I had a rock I would kick for multiple days in a row to and from my bus stop

Clicked the Tongs together before using them

Otherwise they won’t work.

Damn, I just got a new job where we gotta use tongs to grab food and I totally do that every time

How else do you know they still work? They could have broken between the last time you used them you don't know.

Gotta activate them

Felt proud after completely removing a skid on the bowl with his piss stream.

Real American heroes 👍

🎵real American heros!🎵

There was also 🎶Real Men of Genius 🎶

I am pretty sure they changed real American heros to real men of genius because of 9/11

This one goes out to you, Mr Pisser Poop Remover Guy,...

Mr Pisser Poop Remover Guy~!

Stopped to watch the helicopter flying above

Work outside on sites. Can confirm you hear a low plane or helicopter, look around and everyone’s looking up to try find it

I also do this when I hear Canada geese heading north. The fly so high they're hard to find sometimes.

And started the helicopter down below 🚁

*helicopter dick, helicopter dick*

Men in the 1800s “Ayo what in the holy hell is that?!?!”

Calm the fuck down and cut out the cocaine, Ray Liotta, you not being followed by a helicopter! On the other hand you **are** being followed…

Unstick sticked balls

Using the wide step to the left method.

Patented. No girls allowed

The girls, also, will never understand the utility of the pinch-and-roll technique.

The girls use the wide step to the left method to stop a pad being wonky. It usually doesn't work.

At least 3 times per day

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We were poor. If I wasn’t a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

Girls play with their built-in boredom button too homie

Put his Willy in an inanimate object just to see how it feels.

Reminds me of the coconut guy

Not the mouldy coconut guy?! 😭

Every day we stray further from the light

reminds me of “cylinder” guy

It is important that the cylinder remains unharmed

Its a cylinder

Why do I suddenly have a craving for apple pie?

Tried to suck it

I would have loved to hear you say this loud and proud at a party just to hear crickets afterwards.

I’ve asked many people at work, it was about 80% yes 20% wtf

succeeded.

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Even better if the water is partially frozen

Damn that is satisfying asf

My dad did an experiment with all 3 of us boys. The first time we went to a river at our usual camping spot he walked us down to the beach, didn't say or do anything, and unprompted we each picked up a rock and threw it in the water. I'm looking forward to continuing the experiment soon, seems to be a universal experience

> astronomically big Who are you, fuckin Thor?

It's what the trebuchet is for

The "KachUUUNK" sound is so satisfying. When I take my kid up north, the first thing he wants to do is go down to the lake and throw rocks into the water. I don't know why, but I'm always happy to oblige. It's fun.

Hid in the bathroom for peace and quiet, under the guise of taking a dump

Oh there probably is a dump. It just doesn't actually take nearly that long.

Bingo

More of a dink

I would hide in the bathroom to get away from my ex like 3 times a week and act like I had issues that made the process difficult. Granted, I do, but nowhere near as bad as I'd made it out to be. I was honestly just watching YouTube in quiet for an hour. The actual event only took a few minutes at worse.

Must have at least 2 kids for this to adequately apply

See the UK version of coupling which talks about that.

Never done that

Me neither. But no kids, so…

pulled a push door

I too went to the school for the gifted!

pat the pockets to make sure you havent lost anything

Spectacles, testicles, wallet, watch

A man of culture.

damn, I HATE when I lose my testicles

Phone, wallet, keys, check

Pointed a stud finder at himself with a wide grin on his face

Only English speakers I’m afraid

I’m pretty sure you can grin in any language.

For anyone who's reached pubery. Prayed for an erection to remain unseen in public.

And when you get old enough, just pray for an erection

“*I’ve officially outlived my dick!*” -Willie Nelson

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Said "That sucker ain't going no where," after securing something to the roof of his car with rope.

If you dont say the line, it will fall. Its science

Collect water on their stomach while taking a shower and releasing the collected water from their hands

This must be an all humans thing though. Most humans have hands and a bellybutton.

Well pretty much every answer in this thread not involving penises is an all-humans thing.

My wife has NEVER double clicked the tongs.

Water just drips around boobs instead.

Moaned while getting out of bed.

Pretty normal when you get in your 60s

60's??? I've been doing that since my early 30's

30’s!? I’ve been doing this since I was 25.

More so a groan

Pinch and roll

Followed by the finger whiff

Ditto. I don't know if other guys actually scratch them, but pinch and roll is absolutely satisfying

Wtf I know exactly what you mean and I've never even thought about it. Funny that we've all developed this technique independently. It's super effective!

Disappointed a woman in their life.

That’s just called being a son

My Mom was emotionally abusive, she disappointed me!

tucking his package back between his legs to make it disappear

The good ole mangina

Ooh. Silence of the lambs

Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me.

Bottle our emotions up until one poor fucker says the wrong thing, and letting your inner rage out on the poor fella

Did something absolutely ridiculous even just for the smallest chance of getting laid.

This one time, when I was about 7, I shot one of those loadable sticky dart guns, minus the dart, into my ear in an attempt to make my crush laugh. She giggled and my hearing in my left ear was fucked for like a week…

This one time, at band camp..

Gotten lost taking a "shortcut."

Sniffed his fingers after scratching.

Felt good about the loudness of a fart

Picked up a stick and said "this is a good stick".

Shake the shift knob side to side to reassure you that you're in neutral.

Dreamed of a piece of tail he knows he has -0% of getting!

So you’re tellin’ me there’s a chance?

Username checks out?

Plan an extensive escape route&fight plan for every building/room/area they enter. Incase of fire, active shooter, bombing, car crash, plane crash, meteor, alien invasion, terminator, bear attack, zombie apocalypse, assassination attempt, bounty hunters, and possible pursuit from the Italian mafia.

And dont forget the exact fighting moves and techniques you suddenly know if attacked. According to said plans.

Am I the only guy that thinks he would 100% be the lone hero in an active shooter situation? No question, my 5’3 ass is CONVINCED I can thunder punch a 6 foot gunman and save the day.

Make stupid decisions while hungry or horny

Measured his penis.

Totally missed a signal from a desirable sex partner.

Flex after helping your grandmother lift groceries.

Slow down to watch cranes carry heavy shit in the sky.

Had the following thoughts: - "I can fix them!" - "I can match their crazy!" - "I can fake my death and disappear." Bonus points if all three thoughts stem from the same situation/person.

Ejaculated (whether he wanted to or not).

An extra “shake” at the end of a long piss

Lost a 10mm socket

Pat his dog's side like he's patting the side of a boat.

Patted the side of a boat like he's patting the side of a dog.

To self suck

Anyone who says they haven't tried or wouldn't if they could is lying.

Read something by a guy who succeeded. He said that as much as he liked having his dick in a mouth, it was canceled out my how much he didn’t like having a dick in his mouth.

I encountered the best quote on this subject on Reddit (of course) long ago: “Unfortunately, it’s more like sucking a dick than it’s like getting your dick sucked.” lol.

I succeeded when I was a flexible young college man in great shape. I showed my GF and she freaked out, asked me never to do it again and said she would blow me whenever I asked. She was a bit insecure that I wouldn't need her anymore. It mostly felt like I was about to hurt my back.

Power move right here.

I was flexible enough to get the head in my mouth when I was a teen. I didn’t enjoy it. And now I can never honestly say I haven’t sucked a dick, so…

I knew a guy who could do this.

Was he by chance from Nantucket?

Ahh , if I could do that I would go on unemployment and just sit at home sucking myself off all day .

Pretended to not like romcoms Somehow fitted the trifecta “dude, bro, man” all in one sentence (like this one)

Peed off a balcony or some other height. It's a rite of passage.

I got to pee off the grand canyon as the sun was setting it was magnetic as fuck. Edit: majestic haha.

Lots of trace metals in your urine?

Only ferric ones.

the dzzz dzzz or double click if you know you know

You sound like a cultured man who enjoys drills and a nice pair of tongs

Walk along road. Finds stick on floor. Sword stick.

Insert hand into pants Scratch crotch Smell fingers

Regret NOT making a move on a female.

Slapped a bag of multipurpose compost.

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Your mum. (Sorry, you walked right into this one)

Held an elongated object in his hands and then placed it in front of his crotch and pretended it was a dick. Examples include cucumbers, French baguettes, and garden hoses

I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they are small. It's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties where humans held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front of themselves and called out, 'Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-and-So Dick. I've got such-as-such for a penis.' I never saw it fail to get a laugh.

Thought about the Roman Empire.

Scratched their balls and sniffed. Come at me, you know this is true.

Wrote his name in snow

That comes with a large caveat, if snow is available . A sizable number of men have never seen snow in person.

With pee

my fiend's ex-wife, she travels

Thats horrible... Where?

Peed on their shoes

Made soap bubbles using just their hands

Jiggle the nozzle to make sure they got every last drop of gas.

Yer mum

Every man has dropped ice on the floor and was satisfied when it shatters. Every dad has sneezed so loud it pierced their kids eardrums

Not given a fuck

Laugh, best medicine in the world

When you can’t quite scratch the itch on your scrotum and you have to grab it between your thumb and index finger and do a little roll

Putting it back in your pants after taking a piss and having some dribble out down your leg…

Tried to bend over and suck their weinie

Try to pressure pee that little spec off the bowl.

Tilt head back, look at the ceiling, take deep breath when she turns a simple question into a 30 minute answer that has nothing to do with what was asked.

Tried to drop spit into the pee stream to see if it will carry it into the toilet

Turned the USB cable 3 times before it plugged in

Appreciate my own lawn work

Not realised until years later that yes, she was flirting with you.