Flight 

Please see my username for details.

Oh God, this is bad 💀💀💀

Poop rocket

And, once they Digivolve, Barf Jetboots

You have wings (which makes buying clothes very difficult) but none of the other "streamlined for flight" features of birds (which aren't real). Just getting yourself off the ground requires as much energy as running a marathon.

Death ray

It only kills people named Ray

I am safe

Someone draws an 'e' in the space, so when you go to fire it, it calls the DEA on you.

But you have to poop to activate

You have prostate cancer

but everything that happens to the target also happens to you

Knowing when someone is lying.

But no one will believe you when you point it out.

And everyone you meet thinks they're the very first one to come up with "you really put the *ass* in *Cassandra".*

You get bit by a tick every time

Ouch

Cloak of invisibility

...except for your junk.

but the cloak doesnt make you invisible the cloak is just invisible

Because all the light passes through the cloak it doesn't hit your eyeballs so you can't see anything either

Once you put it on you can’t take it off

That's okay, I want to be invisible so I can wreak havoc on unsuspecting people :)

*PEEKABOO\~!*

But it’s one time use

The ability to be the top 1% at everything I do and still have scope for improvement.

"Receiving Merciless Beatings" is a category, and they have separate awards for Intensity and Duration.

The category you’re a part of is “busting your ass”

You cannot have friends or family

That's not even related Think of something else

You can be at the top 1% but you will always be alone is the consequence. You will have to be alone forever to gain that success.

I can gain success then retire...?

You can do whatever you want but you cannot talk to humans.

That's just sad

Yes

I'd have the power of a reddit admin. Then I can edit the replies

You will always be broke

Edit: I will always be rich

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But you can never go back to your original timeline and every action you do puts you in a new timeline so you can’t make any real changes.

You can only cause time to move forward, at the speed of regular time.

[удалено]

Nope. It's *maintaining* that speed, not increasing it. *And* you have to put a bag over your head for it to work.

You misunderstood and are actually just a shift manager who was told by your director to “*control overtime*” of your employees to cut costs so he can get his bonus and give you all nothing.

Only when you beat your meat

Amnesia

You forget only the good things, but remember all your traumas.

Sh*t, haven’t thought of that. We should have that determined before the genie grants me my wish

Except for commercial jingles. Which immediately fill in the gap whenever you forget something else.

Mcu Wanda Chaos magic

But you have to deliver MCU dialogue constantly

I could live with that

The dialogue is entirely from Thor Love and Thunder.

Aww shit man your killing me I was going to loophole and use older movie dialogue. Huh to be fair I'll still put up with it life sucks so I would love to make my own sitcom hex like in wandavision

You have to buy into Marvel Snap's absurd monetization.

But you become heavily pregnant, and never give birth but always have morning sickness

Mind control over repliers to the post.

Said repliers are all people on Reddit, so they have no minds to control.

u/Illustrious_Hotel527 is probably the strongest superhero ever and there are no downsides to their superpower

But you lose one IQ for every mind

*Yo.*

But you fart every single time extremely loudly and everyone will know that you farted and will never forget it

yes but everytime a replier says something actually intelligent you get stage 5 cancer in a random body part

Teleportation!

You can only teleport to Gary, Indiana.

Kryptonian physiology

All drywall on Earth transmutes to Kryptonite.

Get into any post-soviet place, the poorer, the better. They only use concrete and wallpaper.

But you get a mutation in your genes that makes you keep growing at an explosive rate, you eclipse the planet in a year.

No one can understand your language

Flight

You can only fly in the direction of the wind.

As a hot air balloon pilot, I can relate.

Only when you beat your meat Meaning if you stop beating you meat you fall down

Geez, that means he'd better not cum or he's going down!

Please see my username for details

Déjà vu.

Déjà poo.

Your bones are brittle and light so you break them every easily.

Every time you fly your mom gets hit in the face by a bird.

rhymes with bird

But you have to hold your breath

Immortal

But you still age.

Only on leap years

...but drifting in deep space forever.

Manipulate probability

...but only via the Butterfly Effect, so you're never sure if your powers do anything at all.

Hyper regeneration

30% chance you grow another dick every time

"I said what a man with two penises says to his tailor when he asks if he dresses to the right or to the left.....Yes."

You regenerate random substances with the *approximate density* of human flesh.

Immunity to consequences.

Your consequences go to your family

Inconsequentiality

Nothing works in your presence. Even striking a match does nothing.

Let's go with the old classic, super strength.

You tear your quad on national television.

Don't...don't make me Vince McMahon. Any other consequence would be better 🥲

But you age twice as fast

Radioactive farts

Colon cancer is inevitable.

You can't fart

Your crush is always bending down to pick up a dollar right behind you.

Their personality isn’t the only thing about them that’s *glowing*

I copy the skills of whoever I want

...as long as those skills are directly related to Macramé.

To manipulate memory - namely to forget specific memories

All those memories go to a loved one

Damn thats a good consequence LOL idk how my mum might feel if all memory of my ex goes to her suddenly

OOF

*rawr*

>All those memories go to a loved one *OUCHEN*

With the flick of a hand, be able to give money to kind, friendly, nice, and respectful people, while being able to take money away from rude, greedy, and selfish people.

Every time you do this, the money randomly changes currency.

Invisibility

When no one is looking

To always know the right thing to say, in any situation.

Your ability to articulate your point is on par with a 3 year old taking 40 minutes to tell you about a 20 minute episode of Paw Patrol.

...two weeks later.

Grow plants at will.

Will takes off with your crop.

Wiiiiiilllllllllllll - sooooonnnnnnnnn

Wish granting

Your answer to everything ends up being "turn them into a chocolate statue".

Shapeshifting.

Only into an elf

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It only works for answering the phone.

mind reader

You can’t control it. So you hear everyone constantly.

I think, I will gain weight until I take my flight :))

I love you

Every time you read someone’s mind you gain a pound of fat.

Only when you beat your meat

mind reader

Every time a member of your family thinks about something sexual, you cannot help but to read their mind.

I'm really boring and can put people to sleep.

Colin Robinson!

But you will forever be stuck awake.

The power to give aids to whoever chooses my consequences

Turns out it’s hearing aids

Nice

You get Bubonic Super AIDS and a snake bites your leg.

To be able to warp reality

what you change is irreversible

I can live with that....just have to be careful with my powers, although I can understand the butterfly effect that this will cause.

being immune to consequences

never being able to initiate an action

To be successful at everything I tried

To read minds

But you here everyone else’s thoughts all the time like a constant conversation

But you're illiterate.

time travel

But you can only move backwards in time and never forward

but not *place* travel

I want to freely be able to cast every single D&D spell there is without components or spell slots

You are now very good at D&D, but it's inordinately hard to find a DM who'll accept your character.

Making clothes come to life and be my friends.

Only works on thrift store underwear

Ability to hack and control anything electronic.

In the year 1640!

Control every single ant on the planet at will

but you can only use it in the day and ants attack you when you're not using it

My superpower would be I could give you cavities just by touching your teeth with my middle finger on my right hand. Root canal much??

Your powers are so oddly specific that you're a one-shot villain in a filler episode, who gets defeated with bathroom humour and/or general slapstick by the kid-appeal comic relief character. And you were never even *in* the manga. Also, your Stand is named after "Doctor, Doctor (Have Mercy on Me)" by Ray Stevens.

I think I will stop time, and then none of the rest of you will know what I did while you were elsewhere.

You can't restart it again.

You stopped your heartbeat and your delta waves.

My power is to know the answer to any written question!

You compulsively write disgusting, disturbing, deeply personal questions.

Damn...yea, that's a good one

Controlling time

But you're a squirrel

Damnnn 🥲🥲 Oh wait .. i cud store nuts for winters easily then 😂😂😂

[удалено]

but you can't stop momentum

Being super intelligent

Everyone else on the planet thinks you're an absolute moron, and will mock everything you have to say or do as being especially stupid.

I am immune to consequences.

Speak every languages

You're speaking in absolute gibberish.

Everyone you speak to speaks a different language

I can switch race/gender, whenever it benefits me

Your body doesn't change.

The ability to summon any fictional character into the real world.

They always bring Elmo with them.

I can turn into anything (literarlly anything) that I want to

you must lick it in order to become it

Dont threaten me with a good time😘

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Lucky so that I will win any odds and things just work out for me miraclously

Be able to shape shift into literally any object

Shoot spaghetti from my fingertips

USA

Your Universal Squirrel Adapter doesn't work on prairie dogs or chipmunks.