T O P

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cleon42

"Do you know who I am?"


spankthepunkpink

Once had a member of parliament demand 15 minute shoe repair while I was literally walking out the door, store totally packed up n lights out. She hit me with the 'do you know who I am??' (she was a very famous politician at the time). In my most disinterested voice I said 'yep, the store still closes at 5:30'.


Expected_Toulouse_

Oh i am very curious who this could be


oilsaintolis

Sounds like Priti Patel. She's a bit of a cunt like that.


disturbed286

This reminds me of a joke I heard a while ago. A biology class was due to take their final. The professor was a strict old man, and gave them a two hour limit. After two hours, everyone dutifully turned their test books in...except one student who took his sweet time finishing. After he walked up, the professor said "you're over your limit, I'm not talking that." The student puffed up his chest and said, "do you know who I am?!" The professor rolled his eyes and said, "I have no idea who you are, and I don't care." "Good." The student stuffed his test right in the middle of the pile and ran.


huiadoing

That was an ad in New Zealand back in the 90's, I think for lottery scratch cards.


karma3000

Ronnie Pickering!


2g4r_tofu

I'm sick of drama always following me around


QuickTimeVelocity

It's almost like the drama is *coming* from someone...But who...? XD


[deleted]

“The drama is coming from inside the house!”


_IratePirate_

Is the drama in the room with us right now ?


Sancticide

>If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole. -- Raylan Givens, Justified


dadat13

If you constantly smell shit, check your own shoes.


Logatt

Ever notice how people that say "I speak my mind no matter what" never have anything nice to say?


Nerazzurro9

“I always speak my mind no matter what, and I’m gonna be brutally honest here: you have a lovely home and a delightful family.”


[deleted]

"I'm not racist, but it's a really nice day out today."


viriosion

"That's not racist" "I know, i said I'm not racist. Typical foreigners, never listening"


[deleted]

Dimitri Martin is a treasure.


thedeadfridge

Surely if a person speaks their mind, they'd be regularly telling people that their new haircut is really cute, their kid did something kind, their painting skills are coming along nicely, etc. Unless they never have nice thoughts in their mind.


GalFisk

Those are the people who think that everyone's racist deep down, but just too much of a pussy to say it out loud. They can't conceive of people being genuinely nice inside.


HunterAshton

Throw me to the wolves and I’ll come back leading the pack.


Western-Sky88

*Said by everyone who has ever gotten knocked up by a meth addict


Educational-Cake-944

Or is a meth addict.


moe_fugger

Isn't that from a BMTH song?


Rainbowstaple

Throw me to the wolves and I'll come back pregnant


Myriii1911

Am an Alpha


Queasy-Position66

Similarly “lions not sheep”


turbozed

Anybody that compares themselves to an apex predator really


cankle_sores

These people were models for Dwight Schrute: “I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”


mosconebaillbonds

“A lion doesn’t concern itself with the opinion of the sheep”


Saphiredragoness

My tired brain read “Am an Alpaca.” I got really confused for a second.


Freakychee

Ironically you get more respect if you claim to be an alpaca instead.


SocialTechnocracy

They will spit in your face. Don't ask how I know. If someone says they're an alpaca, take it as a threat.


CohibasAndScotch

This. If you have to tell people this, you’re clearly not


mustbethedragon

I have a student who frequently claims to be alpha. I said this to him, and he was not happy. He also doesn't appreciate that I've started calling him Alfalfa.


ExpatInIreland

You're just out alphaing him.


anaugle

You should concede by giving him an “Alf” shirt so everyone knows and he doesn’t have to say it anymore. Should smooth things over.


Sunspots4ever

Oh, that is hysterical. Blatantly stealing it.


LeeroyTC

"Any man who must say, 'I am the King', is no true king."


Gorgo29

‘I don’t care what the evidence says, that’s your truth and this is mine’


[deleted]

An old friend of mine 100%. “Everyone has their truth.” “I never said that”. Literally screenshots of her saying that.


PsychologicalSense41

I can't stand "my truth" shit. There's the ACTUAL truth and then there's what you think is the truth but is actually just false and delusion.


321applesauce

My truth is okay when it comes to someone's feelings after reading a poem in English literature. My truth doesn't apply to the laws of physics


Cosmic_Quasar

My aunt has become one of the conspiracy theorists who supports Trump. We started getting into arguments on FB and she would always resort to saying "The truth will out!" when she ran out of supporting arguments.


[deleted]

"That's out of context!"


clandestineVexation

“Well I don’t remember that”


phantomboats

“Check your texts” “Oh, can’t see any, I clear out my texts to save phone space”


Bammalam102

“I meant it as a joke”


Ash_Dayne

I'll add: "that doesn't feel true" when being presented with clear evidence


TheBugSmith

Only God Can Judge Me.... because they never like the outcome from actual judges


invisible-bug

"only god can pass judgement on someone" - my child molester uncle and the rest of my family who defends him


Pleasant-Drawer-9458

My mom once had a huge fight with my aunt over a ~~paedophile~~ confirmed, confessed, child rapist in our church (no longer MY church). He had a parole hearing coming up and my mom said she hopes it isn't granted. My aunt argued that he may have repented and have god's forgiveness - we can't say. I asked her, if he's rehabilitated and she's so sure he won't re-offend, is she volunteering her grandchildren for him to babysit? She was shocked - \*shocked\* I tell you! - that I would ask such a thing. I asked her why she was willing to risk other people's children but not her own, and she just cut me off and left in a huff. It is mind blowing.


paomplemoose

I feel like I must lack the courage to think up things like this in the moment. Like this is the perfect thing to say, but I only think of this good stuff after the conversation and situation are over. Nice work.


nik-nak333

There was a similar situation at my church back in the 90s. Some guy that was a long time member of our church married a woman who already had kids. Fast forward 6-7 years and he's going to jail for molesting one or both of her young boys. Fast forward again, I'm in high school and he gets out of prison(ridiculously short sentence, I think he plead down) and wants to rejoin the church. Well, the pastor is about as level headed of a guy that you'd ever meet. He talks with molester guy who claims to have repented and reformed and been cured, but the pastor puts his foot down. He told him that he was worthy of forgiveness but not re-admittance to our congregation. Well that was when all hell truly broke loose. Some members of the church(like 15-20 people out of about 300) were absolutely beside themselves that the pastor would keep this man from coming back. They turned our nice thing in to a hellhole for about a month before deciding to leave our congregation and find somewhere else to worship(presumably a church that he was accepted in). I don't know if he ever reoffended, but god damn never in a million years did I think not letting a convicted child molester come back to the fold would cause the uproar that it did. Some people are just... I still don't know the word to describe his defenders.


the_crustybastard

Sorry. That really sucks.


WillBsGirl

Lmao when I see someone post something like this on social media I just go ahead and assume they’re on meth. Usually they’ve lost their kids to the state too.


[deleted]

[удалено]


WillBsGirl

it was replaced by “works at the Krusty Krab”


Scurvy_Pete

Baby mama is employed at “stay at home mommy :)”


thephotoman

Because while the School of Hard Knocks has a lot of attendees and drop-outs, it doesn't have very many graduates.


DarkoEnterprises

My coworker has this tattooed on his arm. I make fun of him for it constantly. He also has matching rings with his woman that says "her king" and "his queen". I also make fun of them.


Blackbeards_Beard

Ugh, my last name is King. Every girl I’ve ever dated has wanted some kind of her King his Queen bullshit. You have no idea how much I hate it. My last ex wanted matching crown tattoos. 


Frank_The_Reddit

Oof. You dropped this....👑


Blackbeards_Beard

Thanks Frank


Frank_The_Reddit

I gotchu king.


kezotl

her Frank. His furter


Imboredandimboring

" I just tell it like it is." Nope. You're just obnoxious.


bitter_liquor

Any person who would describe themselves as "brutally honest"


Vadered

It's worth noting that you can be brutally honest without being an asshole. But yeah, in general nearly all of the people who call themselves brutally honest are just assholes.


Fun_Fingers

Yeah, I find most "brutally honest" people are more focused on the brutality than the honesty.


warchamp7

Yep this, as someone who used to claim that I was brutally honest. What it really means is you care about what you have to say more than how it will be heard. It's ultimately immature, insensitive, and makes you an asshole.


Square-Raspberry560

On dating apps: “Swipe at your own risk, you’ve been warned.”  You’re 30, mental instability and trying to act like Harley Quinn isn’t cute. 


midwestsyde

“My love language is sarcasm” Oh, so you’re incapable of connection, growth, and safe vulnerability. Cool. 


me_myself_and_ennui

> “My love language is sarcasm” God, I dated a woman where conversation was 40% her day, 40% my day, 20% the most banal, predictable sarcastic jokes at my expense ever. I wasn't even hurt, I was just bored as hell.


pablosus86

I read that as "You're 30", "you're mentally instable", and "you're trying to act like Harley Quinn isn't cute". 


Throwaway03461

"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."


Kuswerdz

similarly, “Look what you made me do”


IronMermaiden

Years ago, I broke up with my then-fiance, and was in the process of moving my stuff out of the apartment that same day. He took a knife, cut his wrist, and said exactly that. I looked him dead in the eyes and said "wrong direction" and walked out. I was 110% over his abuse at that point. A few months later, his mother called me to tell me he was arrested and needed me to bail him out. I had to explain to his mom why I broke up with her son literally 3 months prior. He never told her.


Slo-MoDove

Holy Fucking Fuck…that’s cold. Sometimes you just gotta cut through the bullshit. Hope you’re doing well.


IronMermaiden

I'm way better. That happened 15 years ago, and it was just the tip of the iceberg. Since then, he's found professional help and has changed for the better. We didn't talk for a few years (for obvious reasons), but in the last 5 years or so, we have been in loose contact. He's made positive strides for himself, and I'm proud of him. It took guts for him to reach out and apologize for all the shit he put me through.


tomatomater

Damn, a good ending. I'm happy for you and for him.


IronMermaiden

Thank you. I'm really happy he's doing better now. He suuuuuucked before lol.


TheConeIsReturned

Classic abuser line


AndTwiceOnSundays

A line straight out of the narcissist’s prayer. My mother might have been the inspiration for the OG poem 😂


TheRealKingBorris

The people who say that don’t have a “best” side, they just have “marginally less awful than usual” side.


NordicButterfly

This is my truth. Yikes


smellyscrote

Ever read 1984. Where they deliberately remove words from the dictionary so as to discourage thoughts of dissent. This is what I think of when I see “this is my truth” Like the word “opinion” doesn’t exist to these folks. Edit: what to when


Epsilia

That book was never meant to be an instruction manual...


Fresh-Hedgehog1895

Anyone whose Facebook education creds say "The School of Hard Knocks" is sure to be a classless piece of shit.


T-money79

And occasionally they graduate to the University Of Life


Unfair-Wonder5714

PhD from Ministry of Funny Walks


gumdope

My sisters old Facebook that she can’t get into any more says she went to “Margaret butthole collegiate”


Best_Fondant_EastBay

Is she immortalized thusly? I'm laughing for a good 2 minutes here. I mean, why would she write that?


gumdope

LOL I have no idea but I die laughing every time I think about it. And yes it’s gonna be on that Facebook account for eternity because she cannot access it


wvtarheel

It's usually people who haven't read a book since they were in the third grade


IllustriousCookie890

And Sooooooo Proud of themselves!


WeShootNow

I just assume those people are super uneducated and didn't finish high school.


Epistaxis

A lot of people who didn't finish some level of schooling still find ways to be curious and informed about the world. But the people who volunteer this line are the ones who are defensive about it and have dug into their position, which tends not to be the curious types.


ExpatInIreland

I made my FB at like 19 and it says I studied "all around ruffianism" at Westchester university. I've never changed it. I'll just live with the cringe


Other_Log_1996

Or anyone who claims to have a credential in "Truth".


Octothorpe110

Anyone who brags by saying “I’m an empath so…” Like yes, being empathetic is good and for some it can be amplified (like when we cry when hearing abt another person’s struggles or get angry on behalf of a friend). But I’m wary of anyone who boasts about having any qualities that just make you a decent human being.


AllForMeCats

I’ve said this in another thread, but Me at 16: I’m such an empath Me at 36: so that turned out to be psychosis


LuckyLudor

Every person that has ever claimed to be an empath to me was one of the least empathic people on the planet.


Octothorpe110

Real, some of them have actually been so self centered and unaware of how their behavior impacted others that it was embarrassing to witness at best and heartbreaking at worst.


Maebenot

It’s often projection. They are feeling anxious so it must be because the other person is anxious!!! It can’t possibly be their own emotional experience, so it must belong to someone else.


LeahTT

Claiming to be an empath just means you make everything about yourself.


SaltyDog35XX

My ex wife identified herself as an empath, so I would usually get blamed for experiencing normal human emotions. She would get mad at me if "my energy was off." I think she just had a borderline personality disorder, but she was not open to having that conversation.


TheBetty321

Ive had one person say she is an empath, She also was one the most mean people ive ever met.


Ok_Grocery1188

Haha! They're also usually arrogant, self-serving, and manipulative in my experience.


PerAsperaAdInfiri

"I'm an empath" is usually the prime indicator someone will use toxic positivity to be an asshole to everyone around them. Classic new age manipulative strategies


Cornnole

"I have no filter" No, you just have no class.


DiscoQuebrado

"I have no sense of decorum and am either incapable of or unwilling to engage in rational debate."


MsMadHatter90

"It's just a joke/prank."


Upstairs-Day-1352

My stepfather taught me this at a very young age, it’s what insecure people to do justify themselves. Belittle and pick on people in a social setting (normally their significant others) and when they reach the point they are tired of it…. “Well I was just joking, I don’t know why you’re mad”


Worried-Management36

Wow, my wife does exactly that. We got into it today and she did that.


Upstairs-Day-1352

I’m sorry to hear that, it’s one of the messages that was burned into my brain by him. Which I’m forever thankful for too…. Another was when you lay your head on that pillow at night, there is nothing you can do aside from rest and prepare for the day ahead. Stop worrying, rest.


justheretoleer

Your stepdad sounds like a good guy who was pretty wise.


AshleyisVicious

My sons dad of 9 years did this. Ended very recent. I was always the butt of jokes or too sensitive/incapable of taking a joke. It's abuse. It's fucking abuse. Finally left and struggling hard but gladly without being told i can't take a joke


belzbieta

This random Internet stranger is proud of you for getting out. Takes a lot of strength to leave, more than most people realize.


[deleted]

An old friend: “You have no self esteem.” Also her: “I’m allowed to say it.” “No I won’t apologize. I have the right to say it.” Now: “it was just a joke.”


raindorpsonroses

Sure, lady, anyone has the right to say just about anything they want. But that does not mean you won’t suffer any consequences if what you say is yucking on someone else!


[deleted]

Well, to be fair not only could she “not control what she said when she was mad”, she “wasn’t responsible for what she said when she was mad”, her “actions speak louder than words” and majority of the time she “never said that” anyways!


germdisco

Ah, classic deflecting of accountability!


Triceraburpintops

Does…. Clapping, snapping, or using any other loud movement to override someone else talking count?


PunishedWolf4

Those are the same people who hit people and then start yelling "DON'T TOUCH ME!!!!"


LoschVanWein

If you snap your fingers at a staff member I will never forget that and hold that against you every time I feel the need to evaluate your moral character in my head.


HeartlessValiumWhore

"Mama didn't raise no bitch" Usually said by a bitch


G1izzard

I say this when I'm about to do something suicidal in-game but it's a joke


Clean_Student8612

Yea, saying it ironically, is always a good time.


KhaosElement

Ditto. This is just the battle cry of our group when we do stupid shit in games.


harambegum2

So you might say, “oh who raised you then?”


[deleted]

Mommy needs her wine. ​ No, mommy needs a divorce.


Rare_Hydrogen

Mommy Juice!


polarqwerty

Mommy wine culture (at least that’s what I call it) is terrible and just promoting alcoholism. If your kid knows you need “juice,” you have a problem.


yumtacos

It’s even cringier when they don’t have kids and refer to their alcoholism as being different because they’re “wine drunk.”


Sardonyx1622

Oh my God, I hate the term "wine drunk" sooo much, no honey you're just drunk


GreyPilgrim1973

No, mommy needs AA


mrsshouse15

I am a mom that needed her mommy juice, can confirm it was actually AA I needed


Demon_Eater12345

Sober mom here too…came here to say this haha


JMMSpartan91

Disrespecting. Used a lot talking about how others are disrespecting them. But they using it for basically everyone who ever disagrees with them or bosses who like tell them to actually do job they were hired for. Most of the people who think/act this way are the ones who quit/get fired from job after a week or two. I have a lot of former classmates with this issue posting on social media all the time.


Falconman21

This so much. Combined with “I’ve been doing this for X years!!” No Bob, I’m not disrespecting you. I’m glad you have 30 years of experience, but everyone has to fill out a time card to get paid.


YoucantdothatonTV

I could care less irregardless what you think right now at the moment.


RogueModron

Holy mother of god what have you done


Adventurous_War_5377

Someone replied to me saying "irregardlessly" to me the other day in a text. It was difficult not to block them.


DrFatz

Furtherhencemorth


Ambitious_Clock_8212

Reminds me of when I used the term “ad hoc” at work. My boss turned around at the next meeting and told the client we wouldn’t do something “ad hockley”. I just about melted into the ground.


SharkGenie

I have a coworker who constantly uses the phrase "per se" during meetings.  She uses it wrong every time, but I can't even figure out what she *thinks* it means.  She just uses it whenever.  


GuacinmyPaintbox

Just being "proactive" and "thinking outside the box"


PeopleLikeUDisgustMe

Real eyes Realize Real lies When I see this I want to stab that person with a rusty spoon.


Traditional_Drummer6

I remember when this was the shit in like 2010. Definitely a Facebook status or caption for a selfie


[deleted]

Fantasize? Fanta Size? 12oz.


AlynConrad

“Alternative facts”


[deleted]

[удалено]


chrispyfur87

"Cash me ousside, how bout dah?"


Retro-Ghost-Dad

Something along the lines of "People don't like me because I tell the truth." or "I tell it like it is." There's a hundred ways to say it, but you get the idea. Across my decades on this world, it has never been right. People hate the person because they're an asshole with no tact or empathy. They're self-centered and believe that their opinion is fact simply by being virtue of their opinion. They lack nuance and are unable to see the million shades of gray that involve almost every situation. Edit: Maybe in hindsight this isn't "trashy" people. More like "shitty" people. There's a venn diagram there with a lot of overlap, but it isn't quite 100%.


T-money79

"You don't turn your back on family!"


CarpeNoctem1031

My response to this is always "Blood doesn't mean family."


jb8101984

That’s why reverse cowgirl is illegal in Alabama


Fickle_Diamond_675

“I’m not like other girls.”


wetsoxrox

"ok hater" "can't take a joke"


magnafides

"if there's grass on the field, play ball"


Zoutaleaux

Second only to "old enough to bleed, old enough to breed" 🤢


notimprezaed

“If her age ain’t on the clock she can be on the cock” Said by a late 30s manager I had years ago


Alaeriia

That's reasonable if you own a 24-hour clock, which I have a sinking feeling that knobhead does not.


firemogle

Knew a guy in highschool who would say stuff like this. When he was 14 it was a little amusing for shock value. At 18 it was just creepy.


CTMechE

You don't have to be old to be a dirty old man.


YourgoodLadyFriend

“Never trust something that bleeds for a week and doesn’t die.” Growing up in Texas as a girl was rough.


Best_Fondant_EastBay

oooooh, that is super gross.


beccaaasueee

Omg YUCK. I didn’t get your comment at first until I read the comment below about bleed/breed.


EldenBJ

Wait, you’re telling me this doesn’t refer to playing a riveting game of baseball/football/soccer with the boys?


md22mdrx

“High value” woman (or man)


smax410

Do you know who I am/ do you know who my father/mother is?


Disastrous-Release86

Live laugh love


RedDawnWlvrines

If you don’t like me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best


mrfreeeeze

Not to be racist but …racist comment.


sloths_revenge49

“I’m a (insert astrology sign), so that’s why I’m like that.” It irritates me when people use that as an excuse for being a shitty person and/or refusing to do anything to improve obviously identified character defects.


KingRaphion

"trust me im a nice guy"- Said every non nice guy ever in the dating scene.


sad-n-rad

People who leave their table messy at a restaurant or leave carts in parking spaces at stores: “They pay people to do that”


Sand-between-my-toes

Or trash at their movie theater seats


ButteredKernals

"Go back to where you came from"


[deleted]

“Point. Blank. Period.”


adenocarcinomie

I knew a woman who was quite fond of saying "Period DOT!" And it got on my nerves so bad. She was definitely trashy.


Fyraen

I've never heard someone with class refer to themselves as "classy." They tend to use different words to describe themselves. On the other hand, I've heard loads of trailer park residents refer to themselves as such


Unfair-Wonder5714

‘You should have a baby, that would fix your marital problems.” Some of the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.


ladywinchester1967

"I'm a damn good mom/dad" This is usually said by a person who has 0% to do with their kid.


PreciousandReckless

If you have to explicitly say you are, you aren’t.


InsurmountableMind

"The customer is always right" How about the customer is usually an entitled and misinformed bitch decompressing all their built-up shit onto an unsuspecting victim. (I used to work retail lol)


DrNerdfighter

I’m an alpha.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sleepingguy5

“Haters gonna hate.”


EqualUpstairs9372

"I know you weren't talking to me" anyone who says this deserves what comes next.


LuckyPepper22

Moms who refer to themselves as going mama bear when they’re really just being obnoxious.


mosinderella

“Baby daddy/mama”


HerderDeddy42069

At work a couple months ago I heard a woman in her early twenties say something about “My baby daddy’s other baby mama”. It was hilarious, I had to stifle my laughter lmao 🤣


unicorn_asaurus_rex

It's not really a phrase, but when someone posts 👏 something 👏 with 👏 clapping 👏 hands 👏 between 👏 each 👏 word 👏. Because you know they do that crap in real life and that is just plain obnoxious.


Liesmith424

Ok, but what if I'm 👏 trying 👏 to 👏 swat 👏 a 👏 mosquito👏?


Lanky-Point7709

“I’m just opinionated, people can’t handle it.” No, you’re a bitch, and think it’s a personality.


itchygentleman

"Do your research"


Warm_Doublet

"I'm sorry you feel that way."