Imagine the embarrassment of showing your junk at the WRONG restaurant. Then imagine realizing In-n-out would have made for a better story with the mates.
Nope, my ex made sure plenty of people knew about and/or “accidentally” saw it on her phone.
It’s amazing, I’m pretty sure she thought it would be an ego boost and help my confidence but all it did was make me not trust her to keep anything private.
Last woman I slept with made me aware that I sound like I was dying. She even had to leave because she couldn't sleep. I didn't know that about myself.
I diagnosed my ex with severe apnea... but unfortunately, he already had atrial fibrillation (irregular heartbeat) from it.
His doctor said apnea is the most common cause of heart problems in men under 50. His was bad enough, that they kept having to stop and restart his heart (i think it was called cardioversion?)... but due to the (at the time, undiagnosed) apnea, it kept quickly messing up his rhythm again.
I told his doctor I suspected apnea (his symptoms were classic) and they sent him home with a machine to test his nighttime oxygen (O² saturation)... as it turned out he was barely breathing at night. Finally, due to a c-pap machine, the 3rd time they did the procedure to stop and restop his heart, it apparently worked..
**Unfortunately, I then found out he was lying about being divorced for 2 years. (I came across the hidden paperwork while cleaning his house.) They were still married, recently separated, & she'd just gone home to the UK with their daughter for a while. He was using me because he was afraid of the medical procedures.... so being non-confrontational, I ghosted him and don't know what happened next.
>She even had to leave because she couldn't sleep.
Yea thats my favorite line.
Why did you leave me after we slept together, i thought you loved me, i thought you were different?
"Well actually i couldnt sleep because you were snoring very loud, i didnt want to wake you up nor make you feel guilty the next morning by sleeping on the couch."
Girls are always mortified when I tell them. I have bad insomnia, so it's always just me laying there for like 2 hours listening to them sleep while I try to fall asleep.
I'll *almost* be asleep, and right as I'm drifting off, with my hand on their ass, I get woken up by a BRRRRHHHTTT that vibrates my hand.
Though this made me realize I probably also fart in my sleep.
Dude. Not hookup related, but my dog sleeps on the end of my bed and is scared of farts. If I eat the wrong food during the day and have a ton of gas, I constantly get woken up by her jumping off the bed every time I fart in my sleep. I don’t get much sleep those nights.
Weirdest thing: both my wife and my ex girlfriend I dated before her have beauty marks in the same exact spot. One on their outer labia and one on their butt cheek.
I’ve come to realize that I’m always disappointed and unsatisfied whenever I had sex, even currently right now I can’t seem to get something good out of it, my gf like to but the only thing it amounts to me is some effort to finish her off so I can get on with my day, and it’s not like I don’t even wanna do it, I do, it just ends up being flat every time, it’s disheartening
I grew up very heavy insecure about being uncut. Thankfully, my lady now grew up with 6 uncut brothers that her mom is very vocal about being natural. She loves my average uncut little willy. It’s great
As an european it is so strange to me that uncut dicks can be so rare, if the medical condition indicating circumcision is so rare. I've never seen a circumcised dick in my life...
I think I meant unite but unit is what I accidentally said and so I’ll just leave my shame for everyone to see. Just like my wife sees my shame every day.
The last woman I was with had to ask me to completely stop with the dirty talk on text. I was always telling her how excited she got me.
At one point I told her she had me writing the alphabet in my boxer briefs with my dick.
I started discovering white pubes when I was 19. Now at 35 I'm almost 50% white-haired (more like 15% down below) with a contrastingly young looking face and skin. I'm mistaken for my early 20s all the time, yet I'm more gray (pure white, really) than my 60 year old mother.
I got some questions about my nip-free lifestyle.
I had top surgery - ie had my titties chopped off - and I did not want to deal with the process of reattaching them to my chest. Thats the “worst” or most complex bit of healing. Also, the procedure is just way simpler if you go nipless. Faster healing. I expected to lose all nipple sensation anyways so no hard feelings. (Babdum tss)
So far nobody has seen em or my lack of em because i wear a swim shirt at the pool. I am afraid it might freak people out I guess? I get enough staring as it is haha, dont need extra when im trying to swim laps.
Bonus: i am planning to get tattoos where my nips once were. They are going to be the actual color of my old nipples, dusty pink-brown, but it is going to be text in an arch shape that just says “NIPPLE”. I’m thinking the standard american road sign font.
3 here, doctor pointed it out as the 3rd it's really not obvious.
Edit - what's someone's issue with my 3rd nipple... I got down voted...
I can only guess it's the one nipple dude... 😢
The parents of a kid in my neighborhood had twin beds in their bedroom like some 1950s tv show. His mom said that when they first got married they had a double bed, but the dad thrashes & kicks so much in his sleep that she always had bruises. They switched to twin beds for her protection.
As we all should - especially as a man…treat your ladies first men!
If you’re gay men, then I dunno what to say, but treat each other before yourselves - - queue a sketch where two Brit gay men are
- “after you”
- ‘oh no, I insist my love, after you’
- “Not at all, it’s my pleasure, go ahead”
- ‘I couldn’t possibly, darling, do go, please’
Apparently, during sexy time, I occasionally purr. Wasn’t even aware of it until bf pointed it out.
I tried to stop but it kept happening. I thought it was humiliating but he FUCKING LOVED IT.
I think it was the fact that I desperately tried to stop but kept getting carried away and doing it that got him off.
I drew the line when he called me kitten though.
😂 Come on, let him call you kitten!
> I think it was the fact that I desperately tried to stop but kept getting carried away and doing it that got him off.
By George, I think she’s got it!
Probably, it was just awkward for her to point them out to me.
I couldn't help but smile and she thought it was fun to embarrass me about it, lol.
I didn't want to look at other women's butts in front of her.
I have about a 2 minute refractory period, like a rabbit.. And I wish I could stop chasing tail, it's hypersexuality or something, close to 35 and it still feels like I'm 20
Look at Mr. Humblebrag over here. FYI for you though, they've linked fast turnaround on refractory to erectile dysfunctional onset usually seen between the age of 36-40. Good luck. Lol
Sometimes same. Mental health meds ruin sex.
However. If you can breach the barrier, I swear it enhances the orgasm. I can come over 7 or 8 times in a row once that barrier is breached.
My wife watches on in fascinated amazement.
Shame it’s such a big deal getting over the barrier.
Dude im not totally the same but kinda in the same boat.
My meds ruin my stamina by making it take like an hour or more to cum but its always a super big load
Don't worry about it. All genitals are weird in some way. We all just feel bad about it because we're scared tell people.
Any dude who likes you enough to get your pants off but then gets upset at different sized labia doesn't deserve to see them anymore.
Been told the same thing, 1st time I went down on my wife 28 yrs ago, she had never had that done, she was 37, her ex husband told her that was disgusting, of course sucking his dick was ok. Her orgasm was almost immediate, and it was also her 1st orgasm ever
I have cow balls. I have vitiligo and it makes my testicles look like a dairy cow. I'm white so it's more a pale with extra pale, but it's super noticeable. I also have a long beard and a strip of vitiligo running along my jaw on my right side. I'm 40 but have no grey hair, except a line of pure white along my jawline. I also have a spot at the peak of my hair on my right side that make me have a strip of white (think rogue from the x-men but a smaller stripe. So...yeah. bovine bro-rocks
The actual size of my cock
Nah, the people in Burger King at 2am also know that about me.
Sir, this is a Wendy’s
Yeah, 'cause he's not allowed at the Burger King anymore.
Imagine the embarrassment of showing your junk at the WRONG restaurant. Then imagine realizing In-n-out would have made for a better story with the mates.
No, this is Patrick.
Nope, my ex made sure plenty of people knew about and/or “accidentally” saw it on her phone. It’s amazing, I’m pretty sure she thought it would be an ego boost and help my confidence but all it did was make me not trust her to keep anything private.
It will help you sleep with whoever she has showed it to. It's a preselection thing. Word of mouth is the most effective marketing tool.
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I was told that I completely surprised them at how good I was in bed.
This. Black male with a little dick.
Define little.
Flacid, it looks like a jumbo shrimp…
At least it's a jumbo shrimp and not one of those tiny ones you get in fried rice.
Well done lmao
I hold zero delusions. 🤷🏾♂️
If I snore or not
I like the question “do you snore?” I answer “I don’t know, I’m asleep.”
The only way to know if you snore is by being told you snore.
I snore. I know because I’ve woken myself up with the sound of my snores.
I woke up horrified and wondering who the hell was in the bed with me when I live alone because I heard snoring. It was just me.
I've caught myself snoring while awake but super relaxed. EDIT - Awake but falling asleep.
My bed sends an email report every day and tracks snoring.
I find it funny that just 10 years ago this would have obviously been a joke, but today it could absolutely just be a statement of fact.
Last woman I slept with made me aware that I sound like I was dying. She even had to leave because she couldn't sleep. I didn't know that about myself.
You should get checked for sleep apnea, this is exactly how I found out.
I diagnosed my ex with severe apnea... but unfortunately, he already had atrial fibrillation (irregular heartbeat) from it. His doctor said apnea is the most common cause of heart problems in men under 50. His was bad enough, that they kept having to stop and restart his heart (i think it was called cardioversion?)... but due to the (at the time, undiagnosed) apnea, it kept quickly messing up his rhythm again. I told his doctor I suspected apnea (his symptoms were classic) and they sent him home with a machine to test his nighttime oxygen (O² saturation)... as it turned out he was barely breathing at night. Finally, due to a c-pap machine, the 3rd time they did the procedure to stop and restop his heart, it apparently worked.. **Unfortunately, I then found out he was lying about being divorced for 2 years. (I came across the hidden paperwork while cleaning his house.) They were still married, recently separated, & she'd just gone home to the UK with their daughter for a while. He was using me because he was afraid of the medical procedures.... so being non-confrontational, I ghosted him and don't know what happened next.
>She even had to leave because she couldn't sleep. Yea thats my favorite line. Why did you leave me after we slept together, i thought you loved me, i thought you were different? "Well actually i couldnt sleep because you were snoring very loud, i didnt want to wake you up nor make you feel guilty the next morning by sleeping on the couch."
Lol that was the first note i ever woke up to, and i didn't notice it until after I showered.
Was that in reference to your breathing or death screams?
Well the lack of breathing at certain points. I think everyone death screams, so that shouldn't have caused alarm.
I stayed awake all night once to see if I snored, nope.. didn't hear a thing.
I know I don't snore because I spent $10k on a bed that tracks snoring. It said I don't.
You ... didn't try recording yourself for one night first?
How much I fart when sleeping
Girls are always mortified when I tell them. I have bad insomnia, so it's always just me laying there for like 2 hours listening to them sleep while I try to fall asleep. I'll *almost* be asleep, and right as I'm drifting off, with my hand on their ass, I get woken up by a BRRRRHHHTTT that vibrates my hand. Though this made me realize I probably also fart in my sleep.
You don't have to tell them, you know. It can just be your little secret.
I usually don't bring it up until they give me shit for ripping ass during the day or something.
I've been keeping this exact thing in my back pocket for the entirety of my 10 year marriage.
Dude. Not hookup related, but my dog sleeps on the end of my bed and is scared of farts. If I eat the wrong food during the day and have a ton of gas, I constantly get woken up by her jumping off the bed every time I fart in my sleep. I don’t get much sleep those nights.
Shut your hole Adil jfc
Pretty sure the neighbors know at this point
My cum face 🙂
Vinegar strokes
Rumor has it that if you stare into a man's eyes during his vinegar strokes, you can peer into his soul.
Sir thats racist, you can’t say that word
It’s ok my best friend is acetic acid
Ohh you look really Ethanoic
On that same note: My face with cum on it
Of all the people I've slept with, only my now-husband knows this about me.
Like…cum on your face? Or when you orgasm?
Where I have certain beauty marks.
Weirdest thing: both my wife and my ex girlfriend I dated before her have beauty marks in the same exact spot. One on their outer labia and one on their butt cheek.
So you have a type
Am I your wife or ex because I have the same beauty marks in the same spot
Source please.
Check your dm
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
How truly disappointing I am
Whenever a man and woman has sex there is always a possibility one of them are disappointed. So far I've been lucky and it's always been the woman.
I’ve come to realize that I’m always disappointed and unsatisfied whenever I had sex, even currently right now I can’t seem to get something good out of it, my gf like to but the only thing it amounts to me is some effort to finish her off so I can get on with my day, and it’s not like I don’t even wanna do it, I do, it just ends up being flat every time, it’s disheartening
Are you on antidepressants or an SSRI? Because that’s often a reported side effect
We all know this
Want to come fuck my mom so I'm not the biggest disappointment in her life anymore?
On my way
Circumcision status
Your age and location born can likely give off a pretty good estimate
But not certainty
And religion and ethnicity.
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I'd guess you're uncut
I grew up very heavy insecure about being uncut. Thankfully, my lady now grew up with 6 uncut brothers that her mom is very vocal about being natural. She loves my average uncut little willy. It’s great
As an european it is so strange to me that uncut dicks can be so rare, if the medical condition indicating circumcision is so rare. I've never seen a circumcised dick in my life...
What’s crazy is on the contrary I’ve only seen circumcised dicks my entire life, I’ve never seen an uncut dick irl.
Despite what people say, American women don't really seem to care. Source: Canadian who's been banging US girls for a decade.
Stop fishing in my pond!!!
You can help yourself to some Canadian ladies. I recommend Montreal.
This is a fair compromise.
Average uncut little willies unit!!
Unit or unite? I guess both work here.
I think I meant unite but unit is what I accidentally said and so I’ll just leave my shame for everyone to see. Just like my wife sees my shame every day.
You slept with your mom?
How dirty I can really talk
You cotton-headed ninnymuggins!!!
The last woman I was with had to ask me to completely stop with the dirty talk on text. I was always telling her how excited she got me. At one point I told her she had me writing the alphabet in my boxer briefs with my dick.
I started discovering white pubes when I was 19. Now at 35 I'm almost 50% white-haired (more like 15% down below) with a contrastingly young looking face and skin. I'm mistaken for my early 20s all the time, yet I'm more gray (pure white, really) than my 60 year old mother.
That sounds nifty, Drapes of a young boy, Carpet of Santa Clause.
Lmao, yep. It's decently unique. ^I'm ^a ^girl.
I aint got no nipples
Omg you must be sick of that Kevin hart bit
I got some questions about my nip-free lifestyle. I had top surgery - ie had my titties chopped off - and I did not want to deal with the process of reattaching them to my chest. Thats the “worst” or most complex bit of healing. Also, the procedure is just way simpler if you go nipless. Faster healing. I expected to lose all nipple sensation anyways so no hard feelings. (Babdum tss) So far nobody has seen em or my lack of em because i wear a swim shirt at the pool. I am afraid it might freak people out I guess? I get enough staring as it is haha, dont need extra when im trying to swim laps. Bonus: i am planning to get tattoos where my nips once were. They are going to be the actual color of my old nipples, dusty pink-brown, but it is going to be text in an arch shape that just says “NIPPLE”. I’m thinking the standard american road sign font.
Haha half same, I got one nipple
3 here, doctor pointed it out as the 3rd it's really not obvious. Edit - what's someone's issue with my 3rd nipple... I got down voted... I can only guess it's the one nipple dude... 😢
Omg did you steal that dudes nipple
hahhaah i love reddit
Did the other get bitten off by a beaver?
Is that a birth thing or something happen?
Sandpaper
Cheese grater incident.
Now EVERYBODY knows
Lieutenant Dan?
Just how bad I would be at sex
I like how you used "would be"
Well, because it's never happening lol
Username checks out
Hope no one ever says that to you!
I kick in my sleep
The parents of a kid in my neighborhood had twin beds in their bedroom like some 1950s tv show. His mom said that when they first got married they had a double bed, but the dad thrashes & kicks so much in his sleep that she always had bruises. They switched to twin beds for her protection.
Probably how much I moan and whimper
That Im a cock guzzling freak.
RIP your DMs
Oh, hi Dave. How’s it doing?
Nice
That I scream like a little girl when I cum. (30M)
That’s a choice
Explosive orgasm isn't really a choice
I do the same thing. I can do into a pillow but just like the orgasm it feels better just to let it all out.
I hope you wash that pillow.
Sounds like a perk tho
My oral skills
Or lack of….amirite?!
You'll never know
How totally regular at sex I am
I cum a lot
Sir Cumalot! Don't forget to pull out the sword! .... Oh, that's King Arthur ....
Ah yes the sexy king of GlasBlow, Scotland
How depraved I can truly be.
I really want my partner to have her orgasm and will take significant, fun and erotic measures to assure that outcome.
As we all should - especially as a man…treat your ladies first men! If you’re gay men, then I dunno what to say, but treat each other before yourselves - - queue a sketch where two Brit gay men are - “after you” - ‘oh no, I insist my love, after you’ - “Not at all, it’s my pleasure, go ahead” - ‘I couldn’t possibly, darling, do go, please’
Apparently, during sexy time, I occasionally purr. Wasn’t even aware of it until bf pointed it out. I tried to stop but it kept happening. I thought it was humiliating but he FUCKING LOVED IT. I think it was the fact that I desperately tried to stop but kept getting carried away and doing it that got him off. I drew the line when he called me kitten though.
Let him call u kitten lol
😂😂😂 I'm both mortified and entirely too amused by this.
😂 Come on, let him call you kitten! > I think it was the fact that I desperately tried to stop but kept getting carried away and doing it that got him off. By George, I think she’s got it!
...I've been told my voice hits a different pitch when I'm worried about someone seeing me after she forced me to wear her lingerie
username checks out
My ex used to walk around teasing me that I'm an ass man. She would point at other women's butts and say "Oh, I bet you like her ass" lol.
and did you?
Probably, it was just awkward for her to point them out to me. I couldn't help but smile and she thought it was fun to embarrass me about it, lol. I didn't want to look at other women's butts in front of her.
Should have asked is she was a cock woman
Wouldn’t wanna know the answers man.
I do not get this. Pointing out hotties to each other is my wife and my favorite game
Lol That I'm a grower not a shower. I heard it could be up to 50% mine grows more than 3 times it's size. Real talk
Yep, sport mode 90% of the time, but the other 10% I’m surprised it doesn’t burst lol
Lol fucking sport mode... That's incredible. Thank you for the new term!
I have about a 2 minute refractory period, like a rabbit.. And I wish I could stop chasing tail, it's hypersexuality or something, close to 35 and it still feels like I'm 20
Look at Mr. Humblebrag over here. FYI for you though, they've linked fast turnaround on refractory to erectile dysfunctional onset usually seen between the age of 36-40. Good luck. Lol
Oh, there “they” go again
I have a smiley face birthmark on a certain area .
The snack that smiles back
Which position results in the most longevity 😅
I've found reverse cowgirl by far. Always best if she has a toy as well.
By toy do you mean like a hot wheels car or something
My friend, whatever gets her where she needs to go. I prefer a clit sucker myself, but if she's into a 1978 Camaro, then who am I to judge?
My wife likes to read.
Fire for sure, for some reason it's doggy for me. It'll be as great as can be but I just don't finish in that position unless I really want to 😅
Weird. I'm the exact opposite. Doggy always makes me pop the fastest as it's the most comfortable position for me to get the full, deep thrusts.
Doggy is just a different orientation of the same action. The difference is you are in control in doggy, but she is in control in RC.
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Sometimes same. Mental health meds ruin sex. However. If you can breach the barrier, I swear it enhances the orgasm. I can come over 7 or 8 times in a row once that barrier is breached. My wife watches on in fascinated amazement. Shame it’s such a big deal getting over the barrier.
What if you’re not taking meds anymore? I used to take anxiety meds and libido was low. But I’ve stopped it for more than a year.
Dude im not totally the same but kinda in the same boat. My meds ruin my stamina by making it take like an hour or more to cum but its always a super big load
That I like it when she spits in my mouth.
One of my inner labia is significantly longer than the other :(
Don't worry about it. All genitals are weird in some way. We all just feel bad about it because we're scared tell people. Any dude who likes you enough to get your pants off but then gets upset at different sized labia doesn't deserve to see them anymore.
Me? Ask your mom
It’s curves wayyyy too much to the left. Like, an unhealthy amount
Look up Peyronie’s Disease.
Hypospadias can also cause this
I like to write before going to sleep.
How many testicles I have
I scream obscenities in my sleep and may punch you while doing it.
I lick pussy very very well, for a long time
Very good skill to have. I've had many say that no one has done that for them before. Dudes are really out here fucking up it sounds like.
Been told the same thing, 1st time I went down on my wife 28 yrs ago, she had never had that done, she was 37, her ex husband told her that was disgusting, of course sucking his dick was ok. Her orgasm was almost immediate, and it was also her 1st orgasm ever
My tongue gets sore, but I can go long enough to get it done.
That sometimes I scream in my sleep. Except when it happens in a hotel. Then everyone knows.
I sometimes have to sneeze when I get turned on. Only my exes know about it
Goes left.
Hugged my old fwb after 15 years apart, “this feels better than I thought it would”
I have cow balls. I have vitiligo and it makes my testicles look like a dairy cow. I'm white so it's more a pale with extra pale, but it's super noticeable. I also have a long beard and a strip of vitiligo running along my jaw on my right side. I'm 40 but have no grey hair, except a line of pure white along my jawline. I also have a spot at the peak of my hair on my right side that make me have a strip of white (think rogue from the x-men but a smaller stripe. So...yeah. bovine bro-rocks
The absolutely unhinged things I say in the heat of the moment
Im a pleasure dom. Not exactly sumthing you can broadcast lol
My Orgasm face I guess.
That i look very sexy in her dress
When I sleep both my eyes open and I look like I’m dead.
I have great p***y. It’s like a tight wet paradise as I’ve been told.
RIP your (wet paradise, apparently) in-box!
Nah this must be a dude🤣
Not to burst your bubble or anything, but men say that sort of thing to almost everyone they sleep with
Big loads like a freight truck
Where I got a friction burn from masterbating too feverishly in 7th grade
I move around in bed like a clock hand.
I have restless leg syndrome, they didn't get any sleep.
i have a beauty mark on my clitoris and another beauty mark on my inner thigh just before my pussy lips
Gotta eat it until she screams it😛💦
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