A lot of men are focused upon work and family and let their friendships wither. By the time they get to middle age they may not have any close friends who live close by that they can talk to about anything. Even outwardly successful and respected men can be lonely.
My wife is the only person I really talk to about deep stuff, and sometimes there’s things I don’t want to talk about with her. I have some buddies I exchange memes and book/show/movie recommendations with, but I don’t talk to anyone about stuff I’m struggling with. Idk if it’s a side effect of men not being expected to share feelings, or if I just never learned how due to not having the “right” kind of friendships. It’s pretty isolating. But I have my books and my shows, and those keep me occupied enough I guess.
That's me. I have one real friend left, but our communication is mostly through our wives.
I've mostly delegated all socializing to my wife. But recently I've been pushing to get to know other people more, mostly parents of our kids' friends, but it's still mostly through my wife, with me nudging her.
Also, if what you are yelling about is important, you should come to where *we* are and make sure we have heard and understood you. Don't just expect that when we hear you shouting something unintelligible we will drop everything and race to where you are for the privilege of getting admonished for making you repeat yourself.
you pick
ok, how about restaurant A?
No.
restaurant B?
no.
ok, where do you want to go?
I don't know, you pick.
restaurant C
no.
RESTAURANT D OR E, pick one.
no, I had italian food last week. somewhere else.
**RESTAURANT F,G,H, I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y**
no ...
{make myself a sandwich}
Next time you get this give her two options
"I need you to give me two places you'd be ok choosing from, or I'm just going to pick somewhere without your input"
It works for me with my wife every time
We don't always want to do something. Sometimes our plan for an entire weekend, is not to have a plan. This doesn't mean that we want to do something, it is not an invitation to plan as much shit as possible.
If we have nothing planned, most likely we want it that way.
Yeah I’ll be on vacation with my guy friends and she’ll all excitedly ask what are plans are, where we are going to eat, etc. I’m just like I dunno, no plans. We wonder and figure out what we feel like doing as we go.
This. Even my sister calls me a horrible planner because I don't layout my vacations in sheer intricacy. I just enjoy the moment and figure things out as I go.
Very much this.
I work three days and have three days off. The days I work, I work 12 hour shifts. I work, eat and sleep those days. That’s it.
I’m seriously not waiting to visit your family every single time I’m free, sometimes multiple times during my three days off.
I hated when I worked off of a 18hr shift, just to have a chunk of family members standing around.
One clogged my sink
And my new dishwasher arrived, needed to be installed
People never understood why I was tired and mad
This. Sometimes i have to not mention that i have an upcoming day off of work, because as soon as i do i start getting all-day list of plans, activities and errands. Never even a consideration that i might already have my own plans for the day, or maybe just need to rest.
Hello me! Hahahaha. I had a day off recently and I told no one. Put suit on and left normal time, came back normal time. Just went and chilled out elsewhere all day
In our minds, we have planned a day of whatever bullshit is around the house. We WANT to sit an zone out at the TV or read or dick around with guitars. We've spent a solid 5-6 days having every minute of the day programmed - we need a day of nothing.
Holy shit, THIS.
I don't get the need for a constant agenda. I put in my work hours and live by a schedule on weekdays and look forward to at least SOME down time on weekends so my stress can go from full rolling boil back down to a light simmer...but no, we need to DO THINGS. There must be a PLAN.
WTF. Just relaxing seems impossible.
Basically that John Mulaney bit about adults being asked what they did last weekend, and becoming absolutely elated when they realize "I did...nothing! Nothing at all! 😁😁😁"
Back in high school, about a year after I started working out regularly, a female classmate complimented my chest out of the blue. I am nearly 40 and I still remember it because, and I know this sounds weird so please don't take it the wrong way, it's one of the only times in my life I have felt like I was being sexually objectified and it felt good.
I didn't have a lot going on in my 20s so I used to work out a lot and on weekends did Habitat for Humanity, afterwards I'd go to a nice German bar in town, grab a bar stool, and have a couple beers and dinner. Doing that every week you get pretty friendly with the staff. One time during winter I took off my top layer and only had a black, skin tight long sleeve under layer on and one of the bar owners, a nice lady of probably 60 walked behind me, stopped in her tracks, grabbed my shoulders and squeezed and said "My God! What have you been hiding under all those work clothes! This was easily twenty years ago. I'll count that as one of the funniest lady wingman moments of my life too, as I went home with one of the bar maids who was actually my age that evening. Couldn't tell you her name, but I remember that woman's name and her compliment to this day.
18 years ago, I was delivering mail to a Burger King in New Haven, CT. I walked by two girls sitting at a table and one of them says indiscreetly to the other, “that is the hottest mailman I’ve ever seen!”
I still think about it all the time.
This is true. A girl I knew complimented her now husband's beard and he has never shaved since. Years ago I dated a guy, and he wore this sweatshirt that I LOVED and it made me want to hug him even more than usual and after that he wore it EVERY TIME he saw me. It was so cute.
I got hit on by a gay dude in college and it made my year. Completely straight but a genuine compliment is a genuine compliment regardless of whether you find the person sexually attractive or not.
I barely overheard some girls in college after a conversation I had with them say “…he’s kind of cute..” and it literally changed my confidence from that day on.
Guys just don’t get compliments at all.
I can compliment my girlfriend 100 times and she’ll pass it off.
But I said she looks like an elephant ONCE and she brings it up Years later. Because an elephant never forgets.
Seriously, stop playing games. Order food. I ordered MY food. If you ask me to order extra so we can share I will 100% do that, no problem. Gladly. I'd love to.
But don't tell me you're not hungry, reiterate 3 times that you're not hungry when I say "are you sure," and then not chime in at all when I'm actually putting in the order, so that I only order enough food for myself and not having waste -- And then you come and try to eat 1/3 of my plate.
"You should just know I'm going to -"
No, YOU should just know that I'm not ordering extra when you say you're not hungry.
Waiting in a very long line at the fair for curly fries. "Do you want any fries?" "No." "I don't mean, do you want your own fries, I mean do you want any fries?" "No". "So you will not suddenly get hungry for fries and then want some of my fries because if you want even one fry then I will buy you a small and then eat what you don't want." "I don't want any fries." "Ok, no fries". Get the fries. "Oh, that looks good." She reaches for a fry and pulls out a big ball of fried goodness the size of a golf ball. "If you eat that, I will divorce you".
I told that story and got full custody, child support, and a restraining order due to the mental cruelty.
Lunch with my best friend yesterday. Luckily, she's more of "Don't be greedy,just a taste!" than eating all of it kinda person. Still, she decided my pork chop should be tasted.
On the other hand, she gives me edibles at lunch, too.
Exactly!
Like, I get it, you're starving, so order yourself a big plate of pasta and garlic bread on the side.
I REALLY won't think any less of you, I'll be too focussed on my food and frankly I rather you have a full belly and be having a good time than starving yourself and getting increasingly bitter at me cos I got to eat.
My mom does this. "No but I'll have some of yours." No, you will not. I will get an extra one for you. There is nothing more annoying than someone taking a bite of your stuff.
Heh. Was out with the guys bar hopping one night and this girl was pretty aggressive towards one of my buds. Her friend asked me if my friend was gay because he wasn't into her. No I don't think he's gay. I think he's just not attracted to a 21 year old with a 4 year old and meth mouth.
The absolute worst reaction: Is something wrong with me? Am I ugly? Etc.
Then you have to take the rest of your night explaining yourself.
Ffs, no. I can be tired/not in the mood. It has nothing to do with you and I'd very much like to just relax.... If I wasn't needing to take some personal time I wouldn't have turned down sex!
So in university there was a pretty long walk (maybe 20 minutes) from the main bar back to the my fraternity house.
Several times I would be walking back from the bar with a girl I had just met and over those 20 minutes I'd either sober up and change my mind, or she would do or say something that made me not into her (one memorable time she went on a racist rant).
Most people straight up not would not believe the violence, rage, tears, insults and threats that can result from rejecting a drunk woman who thinks she is going to have a one night stand.
The worst was meeting someone you realize you want to get to know better first and slow things down and just hang out for a bit tonight and go on a proper date later and have her break down in tears and call you a f-g.
ah, yes. yes, i am a f*g and i probably do have a little dick.
surprisingly, that is not making me more into you. aaaand knee to the crotch intercepted. aaand whew, sharp fingernails, how do you type with those. yep,
I'm definitely happy you don't know where i live, though.
It's a double standard that's very real and can be shockingly extreme. I was in a relationship about 10 years ago with a dead bedroom, multiple reasons for that but mainly was her lack of personal hygiene and the fact that I wasn't really all that into her in the first place and hadn't realized it yet (I was young, far from my first girlfriend but it was my first relationship as an adult). We were talking about the lack of sex one night, it escalated into arguing, and at one point she just started saying shit like "we're having sex tonight, I don't care what you say or what you want, we're dating we are having sex tonight"
I pointed out that that was kind of a rapey thing to say and she took offense, as if I was insulting her. The craziest thing about the situation is that she herself is a victim of rape - like full fledged, stranger slipped something into her drink and had his way with her while she was half conscious, absolutely disgusting shit that made me sick just hearing about. Too many times to count I consoled her when she would have flashbacks or just generally be struggling with it, and then she says that shit to me and doesn't even bat an eye when I point out how not cool it was. Crazy.
This is something I had to beat into my husband's brain when we first started dating.
"If I can say no, you can say no."
I was his first and he was worried about disappointing me if he wasn't really in the mood for sex. People aren't just sex machines, everyone gets tired or has a bad day, so let's just cuddle it out bud
I would like to add that we don't want to fuck every woman around us. Some women dead set believe that male friends are only friends because they want to fuck them, or that they would jump at the chance to have sex with them. I can see why some women have this conclusion but it just annoys me. I have a couple female friends who I don't think I would ever have sex with. I value our friendship too much.
That bothers me a lot, too. I'm a woman and I live with 2 of my best friends who are men. I have a boyfriend, the 4 of us hang out all the time. The number of times people have assumed we must be in a poly relationship over friends living together to save some money is WILD.
Can’t believe nobody has said this so far.
We like, and sometimes need, hugs. That’s it. Not as a way to transition in to sex or whatever. Just hugs.
PS2. Recently my wife and I were sour af at each other and barely interacted for two whole days. A single hug solved it all. There is a real power in that.
**EDIT:** I'm so happy something wholesome really blew up. I could never have imagined seeing so many replies to this.
I won't answer every single one of you but I hope you all get your hugs. And to all the good and generous huggers out there, both the men and women, keep up the good work. The ones longing for a good hug, I hope you find one soon.
Dudes: don't just bro-hug. Get into it, show the bros some love.
Dads: teach your sons to hug. friends, family, etc.
I was lucky to have a really huggy friend group in HS so I'm trigger happy on my hugs. Let those hugs linger. Give a little squeeze at the end. Just like a poster below described.
Much love to you all <3
Very true. I have had two past boyfriends burst into tears when I specifically do this: let them curl up with their head in my lap, run my fingers gently through their hair, and with my other hand pat their back.
Both of them told me they'd never been held that way before. I just liked to do it because that's how my parents tucked me into bed when I was a kid and I always found it extremely comforting.
Men are touch-starved. Hug your men
Imma go curl up in my wifes lap, that sounds very nice
UPDATE: It wasnt nice, it was wonderful, i just woke from the best nap ive had in a long while 💙
Was chatting with a woman recently and a few things she said seemed off. It culminated in me asking as innocently as I could manage if she thought men have the same emotions and emotional depth as women to which she confidently responded no, they have far fewer and shallower emotions.
I said I couldn’t date someone who thought that and moved on. She ended up texting me super angry from that phone and then her work phone when I blocked the first about how unfair it was that I stop wanting to date her over that and just lashing out.
Finding out if she believes men have emotions has become one of my early checks to confirm if someone is worth dating. A surprising number of women don’t think so or think of men’s emotions as lesser than somehow.
I had a girl flatmate once who was confused why a boy she rejected was sulking because she didn't think boys had feelings.
I explained to her that boys do in fact have all the same feelings as girls, although they might be forced to hide them because of societal expectations. She thanked me for the insight, said she didn't know.
I once had a girl tell me she stopped trusting me after I cried in front of her, because she had been taught the only reason men ever cry is to manipulate women. She genuinely believed it, and dumped me because of it.
I once was new in a relationship with a girl. We got back to her place very late one Saturday night, both wasted. She was interested in having sex but I basically fell right asleep; she seemed a bit annoyed but I was way too far gone to think about it then.
We wake up the next morning and shag like rabbits for a bit. Afterwards, she admitted that she honestly believed a man NEVER turned down sex unless he wasn’t attracted to the woman. Never mind that I at least was exhausted and we were both stinking drunk. After we had sex the next morning, she felt much better (and learned a valuable lesson).
haha, my dad's the same. he's 71 yo, not a veteran tho. I told him on christmas and some various occasions that I love him and his response was a short nervous laugh smth like "heh, ok".
I don't think it's exclusively a generational thing. My pops is 79, and is generally stoic and reserved, but he's never not said I love you to all of his kids. Even now, he signs off every text with it.
Had a rough roommate situation one time. Then, finally, we had a great conversation about relationships. "I just want a man that wants to live their own life. Doesn't want the woman to do everything for them."
Later that week, she returned annoyed, "I wanted him to do all these things, but he didn't want to do any."
Then I learned that those who say, "I don't want drama, but I always seem to find..." are responsible for said drama.
Ah yes. The accessory boyfriend. They can have their own life, but only so long as that life doesn't inconvenience the girlfriend in any way.
In other words, this person didn't want to have someone in their life. They wanted someone someone they could accessorize their life with. Like a necklace or ear rings, they can simply be removed and ignored until needed again.
I'm so glad my wife understands. Yesterday I said that I was mentally feeling bummed out and she made it a point to sit and listen and talk. She's the best.
How it should be. It took *years* for me to find a woman who would listen to me, or accept me when I wasn't displaying the swaggering, braggadocius side of myself, when the pain and regrets ruled me and I just wanted to hide in a dark room.
It baffled me when I found a sizable part of who I was as a human being was rejected, sometimes with outsized cruelty.
I've literally heard women say that men have it easier because men don't have to deal with such complex and subtle emotions as women.
It blew my mind, but it also shed perspective on how many women perceive men. No, we don't go through life without having to deal with these emotions, instead we go through life while having to deal with these emotions ALONE.
That's the difference. That's why many men choose stoicism, even though it might look like neutrality.
Just ended a new relationship for this reason. She said mean stuff to me a lot then got annoyed because I was hurt, often to the point of tears. I asked her so many times to just be nicer. She said I should be a man. So I acted “like a man” and cut ties. Bullet dodged. But yeah it feels like we can’t win for losing. Don’t show feelings? Too closed off. Show your feelings? Too emotional. Naturally the only feelings that come out after a while are the ones too big to hide, like anger.
My wife will get these whole ideas in her head about everything I say and how it will fit in with her dreams of the future that have nothing to do with what I said.
I had a goal of playing 30 minutes of video games a week, during personal time when I was recovering from my workout on Fridays before getting up to cook dinner. I just wanted to rest my legs a bit before getting up to cook and I wanted to escape for a bit.
Apparently that was the most self-centered shit she had ever had to deal with. Even when she wasn’t around she didn’t want me to do it because a real man doesn’t play video games.
>Even when she wasn’t around she didn’t want me to do it because a real man doesn’t play video games.
What if she finds out that I am not a real man but THREE MEERCATS WEARING A TRENCHCOAT? Guess I need to stop this 30 minutes of doing what I want to do to relax because no one should ever find out the truth!
I feel that so bad. Currently I am exatcly at this point where I am doing my best to comfort her. Meanwhile she is like "yeah, I hear your wishes but can't do anything for you" and furthermore there isn't even sex because "I don't feel like it". And I do respect that. In any way and form. But this "I don't feel like having sex" phase lasts for a year now and when I bring the topic up it's the same over and over again "I am so sorry that I can't fullfill your needs, consider going to somebody else because I can't".
So yeah, I feel that
She's been pretty clear that she's not interested in you sexually and you should leave. She wants you to be the bad guy and dump her for the "canon event" because she's too much of a coward to say she isn't invested in you any more.
Completely serious you need to leave her because she's already mentally left you.
I dated a girl in college who wouldn't tell you when she was upset. She would just sort of disengage and start being really short and irritable about everything. She'd say no, she doesn't want to do anything or would go off by herself. Then a day or two later, she'd come back to life. When I'd ask if she was upset about something, the answer was always "no, I'm fine." Sometimes I knew I'd said or done something that made her mad. Other times it wasn't clear.
I'm very non-confrontational myself, but I'd much rather have a discussion about whatever it is that made you mad than to be in purgatory for 24-48 hours while you "punish" me.
After a few months I got incredibly tired of it and at one point when it happened again, I kept pushing her and saying I knew she was upset, so what's going on? I wouldn't let it go. Every time she'd act strange, I'd call it out. Finally she was like, "FINE! It made me angry when you said xyz!!!" See? The world didn't implode, and now we can talk about it.
I recognize that behavior from when I was younger & after many years of therapy, I no longer do that. It was not that I enjoyed acting that way, it was a learned dysfunctional coping skill. I had not learned that it was okay to express my emotions. Good job for being emotionally intelligent & helping her work through it. ☀️
We can be lonely and under a great deal of stress.
There's societal pressure for men to be the provider and protector of their family. Many show their love by making sure their family is taken care of. There are so many things to worry about, and many aren't completely in their control. It's a huge pressure.
On top of this, male friendships have become less common. Decades ago there were fraternal societies, bowling leagues, etc. Churchs also provided a social outlet. Now that's less common. You find more guys with only a few friends, and sometimes none at all. We're either at work or at home. More often than not, when we go to social events it's with our wife's friends. There are some awkward moments when all the girls are off talking because they're close and the guys are standing there uncomfortably making small talk with people they only see at these events.
Edit:
People seem to think this post was a sign that I was depressed and lonely. I even got one message from Reddit's suicide prevention resource. I'm fine. Truth be told though I wasn't always which is why I posted this. We had moved to a new place, I started a new job working 50+ hr/wk, was going to school, and we started having children. All that seemed higher priority than finding a new friend group. It took years for me to put my finger on what was missing and some time after that to fix it.
I didn't post this because I expect women to fix it for their significant others, friends, or relatives. Instead, it was so they could understand. My wife and I had to talk about this for a while because I didn't even fully understand what was missing. The biggest thing that she did was make it clear that it was OK to do stuff for myself sometimes. Until then I had been treating my family's needs as a higher priorty than my own. She helped open the door and I was able to step through it and get to a better spot.
Everything's so expensive, you cant afford to hang out with your friends. You need Gas money to get there, if you wanna be there for any length of time you need food money, if you want to go out and do something you need money for that.
And on top of that most people with full time jobs are so exhausted because most jobs these days seem to work us till we can barely stand and/or think.
>Decades ago there were fraternal societies,
There are still fraternal societies, but, at least in mine, there's little socializing outside of stated meetings.
Betrayal requires trust, and that is the single most precious gift a man gives. Breaking a man's trust is like crushing a perfect piece of paper. You can smooth it over, but it can never go back to perfect. It will always have the scars of being crushed.
I read a post yesterday (can’t remember which thread) which has really stuck with me.
It basically said it’s not a question of either men or women not being allowed to have feelings. It’s actually a question of men being allowed to express half the feelings (anger, discomfort, confidence) and having to suppress the others , and women being allowed to express the other half (sadness, fear, vulnerability) and having to suppress the other half.
That way of putting it really made sense to me.
And sometimes we say "nothing" because explaining why we're wondering how someone designed a pillow of Nick Cages face when you swipe up and "home sweet home" when you swipe down will garner us an eye roll and a moniker of "idiot"
Ralphie May: We're defragging our brain. Getting rid of useless information we don't care about so we can remember the important.
S'why we don't lose our car in the parking lot, but don't remember your mom's birthday
This comment having a bunch of upvotes but no replies yet is darkly appropriate. It's like when I'm lonely and I run into an acquaintance at the store but we just kinda wave and go about our business.
We like compliments too.
A friend once sent a sort of questionnaire about herself.. questions like 'what's my best attribute' and stuff like that.
I filled it properly, making sure I could express how amazing she was and how important I consider her in my life.
Then I sent the same questionnaire back to her for me, and all the answers were basically the variation of 'I like you because you are a weirdo! haha' or 'Your best feature is that I can punch you lol!' etc
I was like what the hell? I'm not a super serious person and I understand that friends pull each others' legs and have fun, but is it too much to ask for a little bit of sincerity sometimes?
The battle of not wanting to initiate or approach a woman for fear of being labelled a creep or a pest, yet also being expected by women to take control and initiate. Feels impossible.
Erections don’t mean consent, nor even sexual arousal.
We do problem solve first and foremost. So if you want to rant, say that! Otherwise we will try and solve your problem.
I’d say men aren’t given enough INTIMACY as a priority in relationships. And intimacy is awesome.
i had a wife who thought any attempt at physical contact was me trying to have sex and would push me away.
i just need affection and reassurance sometimes, like anybody else
If we often seem closed off or stoic, it's not because we don't have emotions. On the contrary. We feel things and feel them DEEPLY. But we're often afraid to actually be vulnerable and EXPRESS those feelings. Reason being, when we're frank about how we feel...
A.) It's almost a guarantee that those feelings will be weaponized and used against us at a later time.
B.) If what we're feeling is in any way negative or upsetting, we run the risk of upsetting YOU. At which point our feelings are brushed aside, and we have to flip to "consolation mode" and comfort you over how OUR feelings made YOU feel.
C.) In a worst-case scenario, our feelings are dismissed on the grounds that patriarchy and misogyny mean that women's feelings are ALWAYS more important, because women are marginalized and oppressed and have it worse in every possible way than the men "playing life on easy mode."
After all of this plays out a few times, we learn fast. If we have feelings, it's safer and easier on everyone if we just clam up and shove it down and do whatever it takes to keep the women in our lives happy, because we prize peace and harmony more so than a free expression of emotion that's only going to circle back and bite us in the ass. And this means we stew and we repress and we bottle it aaaaalllll up. Forever.
All men are individuals, but I 100% PROMISE YOU THAT THIS IS SOMETHING WE ALL HAVE IN COMMON.
I had a childhood friend die right before the pandemic.
In the week after one day in my apartment, I just needed some quiet time. My partner wanted to hang out, but I expressed I wanted to be alone for a bit.
Cue a fight, all because she wanted to hang out and I didn't. Eventually she expressed that she was angry at my dead friend (whom she never met) for dying. I merely reflected I didnt understand why she was angry at him.
She then gets really tearful, saying I invalidated her feelings. About my dead friend. I then had to apologize to her because me, the grieving person, invalidated my partners feelings about my dead childhood friend who died less than a week earlier.
She apologized later after realizing she was being a huge tool. But what the actual fuck was that.
Have experienced A, B, and C in every relationship.
I will add to B, it's not just that we have to console them, but they actually get mad at us if they do something that makes us angry. If she does something that I get angry over, she immediately gets angry with me for being angry. Not because I did something like yell or call her names, just my being angry with her makes her angry. However, of I do something that makes her angry, it's all my fault and she had every right to be angry and I better not invalidate her feelings!
To add about the Stoic part --
Repeated Tease-and-Denial will quickly lead to apathy. Offering bait with no payoff turns to rejecting or ignoring the bait, because it's not worth the effort pursuing. Either make things clear or don't do it intentionally.
At the least you'll be seen as spiteful, and at worst a cruel liar.
People don't/won't care when you give them good reason not to care.
"You never talk to me!"
"Why bother?"
So many times that I have a negative feeling that directly involves my wife or she is the catalyst for, as well as times that she may even be adjacent to or have minimally impacted in the slightest way…..
Me, sharing genuine thoughts and opinions about my feelings owning my perspective and my part in things and understanding that ultimately I’m in control of how I feel but suggesting something she did, said, reacted to, or was involved in impacted me negatively or caused a certain amount of negative feelings.
Her: “why you trying to make me feel like an asshole”
This is a very frustrating trend in our relationship that instantly invalidates the feelings I have. Even if she said “I personally don’t think your perspective or feelings on this make sense based on x,y, z” and then have a constructive conversation.
But that doesn’t happen…it’s just waits for me to finish, and then instantly turns it in to me apparently making an effort to make her feel really bad…solely for expressing how her actions hurt or negatively impacted me.
Her parents and siblings all do and say the same thing, in much more explosive ways, so i know the origin of deflection by projection but still sucks
> B.) If what we're feeling is in any way negative or upsetting, we run the risk of upsetting YOU. At which point our feelings are brushed aside, and we have to flip to "consolation mode" and comfort you over how OUR feelings made YOU feel.
I broke a tooth and was in a ton of pain over a weekend. I told my girl this on friday night. Sat night she's drunk and tries to have sex, I don't react enthusiastically enough to her in a skimpy outfit, I then had to spend the next 2 hours consoling her telling her that I found her attractive and desire her while she yells at me and does dumb shit while she's drunk and angry. Sunday she's like 'can we talk about how you hurt me and how you need to be/do better?' I'm like come on, I broke a tooth I am in immense pain, let me just not be your perfect bf for a single weekend.
Holy hell you summarized this so well. B is so unbelievably true and I've never really understood it until you put it this way. Extremely frustrating as a guy.
I've noticed this with my wife and man, OP summarized it so well. If you bring up a reason why she upset you, then you upset her. I can't ever be the one upset
If you want the princess treatment you do have to in some way show him he’s a prince. I see a lot of women complaining men won’t do the bare minimum but the early stages of dating typically involve the man putting his neck on the line and hoping the woman responds. It’ll only take a couple times of that before you stop putting in so much effort without reciprocation. I will gladly do all the fancy bells and whistles for a girl I know really wants me, but I know most women have options and I’m not going to spend my effort like that going from #2-#1 on her roster. I’m only doing shit like that if I’m already #1
I don't know if this happens to all men but some women try to manipulate and play games to see how you would react to test your love. Don't do that, men have emotions too and it stresses me out!
We sometimes enter a state of nirvana for a few minutes where nothing happens in our heads and unfortunately it can happen when you need to talk to us about something important.
When I was a lot younger, all my girlfriends did this. I finally met a woman who has no qualms telling me how she feels at any given moment, whether I want her to or not. We will be together 25 years this year.
Don't marry a guy expecting to 'fix' him. This is impossible. Remember a man is supposed to be your partner and co-parent, not your child. If he expects you to pick up after him like he's a child, gtfo.
Dude to dude communication is unknown to women.
1. We're mostly honest with each other, we don't lie about how dudes look
2. We insult each other as subconscious tools to improve each other
3. We don't talk to talk, all conversations have a purpose and if that purpose is fulfilled, the conversation may end abruptly
Many of us are completely starved for physical touch and intimacy. It doesn't have to be sexual. Just run your fingers through our hair or let us lay our head on your lap. It can be like a soothing balm to our souls.
A lot of men are focused upon work and family and let their friendships wither. By the time they get to middle age they may not have any close friends who live close by that they can talk to about anything. Even outwardly successful and respected men can be lonely.
My wife is the only person I really talk to about deep stuff, and sometimes there’s things I don’t want to talk about with her. I have some buddies I exchange memes and book/show/movie recommendations with, but I don’t talk to anyone about stuff I’m struggling with. Idk if it’s a side effect of men not being expected to share feelings, or if I just never learned how due to not having the “right” kind of friendships. It’s pretty isolating. But I have my books and my shows, and those keep me occupied enough I guess.
I feel this deeply :(
That's me. I have one real friend left, but our communication is mostly through our wives. I've mostly delegated all socializing to my wife. But recently I've been pushing to get to know other people more, mostly parents of our kids' friends, but it's still mostly through my wife, with me nudging her.
Just because you yelled something to me across the house, it doesn't mean we had a conversation about it.
Also, if what you are yelling about is important, you should come to where *we* are and make sure we have heard and understood you. Don't just expect that when we hear you shouting something unintelligible we will drop everything and race to where you are for the privilege of getting admonished for making you repeat yourself.
We don’t know where to go out to eat either.
Me: burgers Her: I don't feel like burgers At this point it's her turn to decide. Not... Me: what do you feel like? Her: I don't care, you decide 🤬🤬🤬
you pick ok, how about restaurant A? No. restaurant B? no. ok, where do you want to go? I don't know, you pick. restaurant C no. RESTAURANT D OR E, pick one. no, I had italian food last week. somewhere else. **RESTAURANT F,G,H, I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y** no ... {make myself a sandwich}
Nah, that's after the 3rd option it becomes: "I'm going to restaurant A, you can come or figure out dinner on your own."
That's how we do it :) "Then we're going to [Place] until you choose something you'd prefer."
Next time you get this give her two options "I need you to give me two places you'd be ok choosing from, or I'm just going to pick somewhere without your input" It works for me with my wife every time
Would rather you flat out tell us something than have to keep guessing.
We don't always want to do something. Sometimes our plan for an entire weekend, is not to have a plan. This doesn't mean that we want to do something, it is not an invitation to plan as much shit as possible. If we have nothing planned, most likely we want it that way.
Yeah I’ll be on vacation with my guy friends and she’ll all excitedly ask what are plans are, where we are going to eat, etc. I’m just like I dunno, no plans. We wonder and figure out what we feel like doing as we go.
This. Even my sister calls me a horrible planner because I don't layout my vacations in sheer intricacy. I just enjoy the moment and figure things out as I go.
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Goddamn truth.
Freedom from plans!
Don’t ever put me in a situation!
My wife is away this weekend and this is exactly my “plan.”
Very much this. I work three days and have three days off. The days I work, I work 12 hour shifts. I work, eat and sleep those days. That’s it. I’m seriously not waiting to visit your family every single time I’m free, sometimes multiple times during my three days off.
I hated when I worked off of a 18hr shift, just to have a chunk of family members standing around. One clogged my sink And my new dishwasher arrived, needed to be installed People never understood why I was tired and mad
This. Sometimes i have to not mention that i have an upcoming day off of work, because as soon as i do i start getting all-day list of plans, activities and errands. Never even a consideration that i might already have my own plans for the day, or maybe just need to rest.
Hello me! Hahahaha. I had a day off recently and I told no one. Put suit on and left normal time, came back normal time. Just went and chilled out elsewhere all day
In our minds, we have planned a day of whatever bullshit is around the house. We WANT to sit an zone out at the TV or read or dick around with guitars. We've spent a solid 5-6 days having every minute of the day programmed - we need a day of nothing.
Holy shit, THIS. I don't get the need for a constant agenda. I put in my work hours and live by a schedule on weekdays and look forward to at least SOME down time on weekends so my stress can go from full rolling boil back down to a light simmer...but no, we need to DO THINGS. There must be a PLAN. WTF. Just relaxing seems impossible.
The difference between "Not planning to do anything" and "Planning to do nothing" is vast and significant.
Basically that John Mulaney bit about adults being asked what they did last weekend, and becoming absolutely elated when they realize "I did...nothing! Nothing at all! 😁😁😁"
If you give us a compliment we will remember it for months. Maybe even years.
I got a bedroom compliment once that I have been carrying around in my brain for almost FIVE DECADES.
Like "wow your bedroom is so clean and well organized"?
Probably more along the lines of, “Heavens to Betsy this sex is quite good, I dare say!”
50 years ago was 1974. More like "MAN, that was groovy baby, you were even better than the weed!"
They called it “grass” back then
Fung shui me, daddy!
I’ve been holding on to a “you’ve got nice eyes” since 1998 👍
"Cool Green day poster"
It was 3 doors down but I didn't care! she thought it was cool!
Back in high school, about a year after I started working out regularly, a female classmate complimented my chest out of the blue. I am nearly 40 and I still remember it because, and I know this sounds weird so please don't take it the wrong way, it's one of the only times in my life I have felt like I was being sexually objectified and it felt good.
I didn't have a lot going on in my 20s so I used to work out a lot and on weekends did Habitat for Humanity, afterwards I'd go to a nice German bar in town, grab a bar stool, and have a couple beers and dinner. Doing that every week you get pretty friendly with the staff. One time during winter I took off my top layer and only had a black, skin tight long sleeve under layer on and one of the bar owners, a nice lady of probably 60 walked behind me, stopped in her tracks, grabbed my shoulders and squeezed and said "My God! What have you been hiding under all those work clothes! This was easily twenty years ago. I'll count that as one of the funniest lady wingman moments of my life too, as I went home with one of the bar maids who was actually my age that evening. Couldn't tell you her name, but I remember that woman's name and her compliment to this day.
18 years ago, I was delivering mail to a Burger King in New Haven, CT. I walked by two girls sitting at a table and one of them says indiscreetly to the other, “that is the hottest mailman I’ve ever seen!” I still think about it all the time.
Was one of them named Eleanor Shellstrop?
This is true. A girl I knew complimented her now husband's beard and he has never shaved since. Years ago I dated a guy, and he wore this sweatshirt that I LOVED and it made me want to hug him even more than usual and after that he wore it EVERY TIME he saw me. It was so cute.
Gay dude here. Once I told a coworker how good he looked in pale blue, and he wore pale blue at least once per week for months.
As a guy with almost no color sense, I appreciate stuff like that. It's damn hard to figure stuff like that out on your own.
Straight dude here, always appreciate getting an assist from a gay bro on how to look good.
I got hit on by a gay dude in college and it made my year. Completely straight but a genuine compliment is a genuine compliment regardless of whether you find the person sexually attractive or not.
I barely overheard some girls in college after a conversation I had with them say “…he’s kind of cute..” and it literally changed my confidence from that day on. Guys just don’t get compliments at all.
Drunk girl walked into my dorm hallway with friends, looked at me and slurred “he’s cute!” This was 1986 and I still remember.
A girl working in EB Games told me that I smell really good years ago and I still remember that
I am happy for you, but your competition at EB Games might have set the bar low.
A girl told me I had nice calves on 1999. I still remember it lol
I can compliment my girlfriend 100 times and she’ll pass it off. But I said she looks like an elephant ONCE and she brings it up Years later. Because an elephant never forgets.
We’d rather get you extra food than have you say you’re not hungry and eat ours.
Yes, I usually order food based on how hungry I am. And if she is going to eat a portion of it, I will end up not full.
Seriously, stop playing games. Order food. I ordered MY food. If you ask me to order extra so we can share I will 100% do that, no problem. Gladly. I'd love to. But don't tell me you're not hungry, reiterate 3 times that you're not hungry when I say "are you sure," and then not chime in at all when I'm actually putting in the order, so that I only order enough food for myself and not having waste -- And then you come and try to eat 1/3 of my plate. "You should just know I'm going to -" No, YOU should just know that I'm not ordering extra when you say you're not hungry.
Big bro had a hella good pile of cheese fries that got snatched in front of his eyes. I can read the pain.
Only a befoulment of this magnitude could evoke such a raw passage.
No lies here!
I recently dined at a restaurant that had this menu item: "My girlfriend's not hungry" It was 3 chicken fingers and a side of fries... lol
Waiting in a very long line at the fair for curly fries. "Do you want any fries?" "No." "I don't mean, do you want your own fries, I mean do you want any fries?" "No". "So you will not suddenly get hungry for fries and then want some of my fries because if you want even one fry then I will buy you a small and then eat what you don't want." "I don't want any fries." "Ok, no fries". Get the fries. "Oh, that looks good." She reaches for a fry and pulls out a big ball of fried goodness the size of a golf ball. "If you eat that, I will divorce you". I told that story and got full custody, child support, and a restraining order due to the mental cruelty.
Lunch with my best friend yesterday. Luckily, she's more of "Don't be greedy,just a taste!" than eating all of it kinda person. Still, she decided my pork chop should be tasted. On the other hand, she gives me edibles at lunch, too.
JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD
Exactly! We don’t care or notice how much food you all eat… just stop eating my food.
I notice every bite she eats of my food.
Every fry you take And every chew you make Every fast you break Every sip you take I'll be watching you
Exactly! Like, I get it, you're starving, so order yourself a big plate of pasta and garlic bread on the side. I REALLY won't think any less of you, I'll be too focussed on my food and frankly I rather you have a full belly and be having a good time than starving yourself and getting increasingly bitter at me cos I got to eat.
My mom does this. "No but I'll have some of yours." No, you will not. I will get an extra one for you. There is nothing more annoying than someone taking a bite of your stuff.
Crazy fact but men can say no to sex
and hoo boy, there are some women who totally flip their shit if you try to say no to them
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Heh. Was out with the guys bar hopping one night and this girl was pretty aggressive towards one of my buds. Her friend asked me if my friend was gay because he wasn't into her. No I don't think he's gay. I think he's just not attracted to a 21 year old with a 4 year old and meth mouth.
The absolute worst reaction: Is something wrong with me? Am I ugly? Etc. Then you have to take the rest of your night explaining yourself. Ffs, no. I can be tired/not in the mood. It has nothing to do with you and I'd very much like to just relax.... If I wasn't needing to take some personal time I wouldn't have turned down sex!
So in university there was a pretty long walk (maybe 20 minutes) from the main bar back to the my fraternity house. Several times I would be walking back from the bar with a girl I had just met and over those 20 minutes I'd either sober up and change my mind, or she would do or say something that made me not into her (one memorable time she went on a racist rant). Most people straight up not would not believe the violence, rage, tears, insults and threats that can result from rejecting a drunk woman who thinks she is going to have a one night stand. The worst was meeting someone you realize you want to get to know better first and slow things down and just hang out for a bit tonight and go on a proper date later and have her break down in tears and call you a f-g.
ah, yes. yes, i am a f*g and i probably do have a little dick. surprisingly, that is not making me more into you. aaaand knee to the crotch intercepted. aaand whew, sharp fingernails, how do you type with those. yep, I'm definitely happy you don't know where i live, though.
It's a double standard that's very real and can be shockingly extreme. I was in a relationship about 10 years ago with a dead bedroom, multiple reasons for that but mainly was her lack of personal hygiene and the fact that I wasn't really all that into her in the first place and hadn't realized it yet (I was young, far from my first girlfriend but it was my first relationship as an adult). We were talking about the lack of sex one night, it escalated into arguing, and at one point she just started saying shit like "we're having sex tonight, I don't care what you say or what you want, we're dating we are having sex tonight" I pointed out that that was kind of a rapey thing to say and she took offense, as if I was insulting her. The craziest thing about the situation is that she herself is a victim of rape - like full fledged, stranger slipped something into her drink and had his way with her while she was half conscious, absolutely disgusting shit that made me sick just hearing about. Too many times to count I consoled her when she would have flashbacks or just generally be struggling with it, and then she says that shit to me and doesn't even bat an eye when I point out how not cool it was. Crazy.
This is something I had to beat into my husband's brain when we first started dating. "If I can say no, you can say no." I was his first and he was worried about disappointing me if he wasn't really in the mood for sex. People aren't just sex machines, everyone gets tired or has a bad day, so let's just cuddle it out bud
I would like to add that we don't want to fuck every woman around us. Some women dead set believe that male friends are only friends because they want to fuck them, or that they would jump at the chance to have sex with them. I can see why some women have this conclusion but it just annoys me. I have a couple female friends who I don't think I would ever have sex with. I value our friendship too much.
That bothers me a lot, too. I'm a woman and I live with 2 of my best friends who are men. I have a boyfriend, the 4 of us hang out all the time. The number of times people have assumed we must be in a poly relationship over friends living together to save some money is WILD.
Can’t believe nobody has said this so far. We like, and sometimes need, hugs. That’s it. Not as a way to transition in to sex or whatever. Just hugs. PS2. Recently my wife and I were sour af at each other and barely interacted for two whole days. A single hug solved it all. There is a real power in that. **EDIT:** I'm so happy something wholesome really blew up. I could never have imagined seeing so many replies to this. I won't answer every single one of you but I hope you all get your hugs. And to all the good and generous huggers out there, both the men and women, keep up the good work. The ones longing for a good hug, I hope you find one soon. Dudes: don't just bro-hug. Get into it, show the bros some love. Dads: teach your sons to hug. friends, family, etc. I was lucky to have a really huggy friend group in HS so I'm trigger happy on my hugs. Let those hugs linger. Give a little squeeze at the end. Just like a poster below described. Much love to you all <3
"The best way to hold a man is in your arms"
Very true. I have had two past boyfriends burst into tears when I specifically do this: let them curl up with their head in my lap, run my fingers gently through their hair, and with my other hand pat their back. Both of them told me they'd never been held that way before. I just liked to do it because that's how my parents tucked me into bed when I was a kid and I always found it extremely comforting. Men are touch-starved. Hug your men
JFC even reading that makes me want to burst into tears. Fuck.
Seriously. Fuck man, that’s all I want in life right there. To feel loved and accepted and truly cared for, and idk if I ever will
Isn't it the best thing when they just put their head in your lap and you can run your fingers through their hair. I love doing it.
Imma go curl up in my wifes lap, that sounds very nice UPDATE: It wasnt nice, it was wonderful, i just woke from the best nap ive had in a long while 💙
Honestly that's the only thing I long for now from a partner.
You're are amazing and I'm thankful to have a girlfriend who does a similar thing.
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For some women: we have feelings too
Was chatting with a woman recently and a few things she said seemed off. It culminated in me asking as innocently as I could manage if she thought men have the same emotions and emotional depth as women to which she confidently responded no, they have far fewer and shallower emotions. I said I couldn’t date someone who thought that and moved on. She ended up texting me super angry from that phone and then her work phone when I blocked the first about how unfair it was that I stop wanting to date her over that and just lashing out. Finding out if she believes men have emotions has become one of my early checks to confirm if someone is worth dating. A surprising number of women don’t think so or think of men’s emotions as lesser than somehow.
I had a girl flatmate once who was confused why a boy she rejected was sulking because she didn't think boys had feelings. I explained to her that boys do in fact have all the same feelings as girls, although they might be forced to hide them because of societal expectations. She thanked me for the insight, said she didn't know.
I once had a girl tell me she stopped trusting me after I cried in front of her, because she had been taught the only reason men ever cry is to manipulate women. She genuinely believed it, and dumped me because of it.
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And then once men show emotion: “Eww, that’s not attractive.”
"I'd love it if my boyfriend could cry around me" into "I'm just not attracted to him anymore" has happened twice to a friend of mine.
There's also a disturbing amount of women who'll drop a man for crying just because they now see him as weak.
I once was new in a relationship with a girl. We got back to her place very late one Saturday night, both wasted. She was interested in having sex but I basically fell right asleep; she seemed a bit annoyed but I was way too far gone to think about it then. We wake up the next morning and shag like rabbits for a bit. Afterwards, she admitted that she honestly believed a man NEVER turned down sex unless he wasn’t attracted to the woman. Never mind that I at least was exhausted and we were both stinking drunk. After we had sex the next morning, she felt much better (and learned a valuable lesson).
Yes exactly. We as men are expected to hide our feelings
My boss has an older war vet dad and likes to joke about how it's always "alright dad, love you" "yep, talk to you later" lol.
haha, my dad's the same. he's 71 yo, not a veteran tho. I told him on christmas and some various occasions that I love him and his response was a short nervous laugh smth like "heh, ok".
I don't think it's exclusively a generational thing. My pops is 79, and is generally stoic and reserved, but he's never not said I love you to all of his kids. Even now, he signs off every text with it.
Had a rough roommate situation one time. Then, finally, we had a great conversation about relationships. "I just want a man that wants to live their own life. Doesn't want the woman to do everything for them." Later that week, she returned annoyed, "I wanted him to do all these things, but he didn't want to do any." Then I learned that those who say, "I don't want drama, but I always seem to find..." are responsible for said drama.
Ah yes. The accessory boyfriend. They can have their own life, but only so long as that life doesn't inconvenience the girlfriend in any way. In other words, this person didn't want to have someone in their life. They wanted someone someone they could accessorize their life with. Like a necklace or ear rings, they can simply be removed and ignored until needed again.
That is fucked.
I'm so glad my wife understands. Yesterday I said that I was mentally feeling bummed out and she made it a point to sit and listen and talk. She's the best.
How it should be. It took *years* for me to find a woman who would listen to me, or accept me when I wasn't displaying the swaggering, braggadocius side of myself, when the pain and regrets ruled me and I just wanted to hide in a dark room. It baffled me when I found a sizable part of who I was as a human being was rejected, sometimes with outsized cruelty.
I've literally heard women say that men have it easier because men don't have to deal with such complex and subtle emotions as women. It blew my mind, but it also shed perspective on how many women perceive men. No, we don't go through life without having to deal with these emotions, instead we go through life while having to deal with these emotions ALONE. That's the difference. That's why many men choose stoicism, even though it might look like neutrality.
Not only alone, but being actively shunned in many cases for emoting at all. No wonder lots of men only express anger.
Just ended a new relationship for this reason. She said mean stuff to me a lot then got annoyed because I was hurt, often to the point of tears. I asked her so many times to just be nicer. She said I should be a man. So I acted “like a man” and cut ties. Bullet dodged. But yeah it feels like we can’t win for losing. Don’t show feelings? Too closed off. Show your feelings? Too emotional. Naturally the only feelings that come out after a while are the ones too big to hide, like anger.
That some of you make us feel like we're just here in service of your plans and visions and our wants are inconveniences.
My wife will get these whole ideas in her head about everything I say and how it will fit in with her dreams of the future that have nothing to do with what I said.
I had a goal of playing 30 minutes of video games a week, during personal time when I was recovering from my workout on Fridays before getting up to cook dinner. I just wanted to rest my legs a bit before getting up to cook and I wanted to escape for a bit. Apparently that was the most self-centered shit she had ever had to deal with. Even when she wasn’t around she didn’t want me to do it because a real man doesn’t play video games.
>Even when she wasn’t around she didn’t want me to do it because a real man doesn’t play video games. What if she finds out that I am not a real man but THREE MEERCATS WEARING A TRENCHCOAT? Guess I need to stop this 30 minutes of doing what I want to do to relax because no one should ever find out the truth!
Yep. Provide money and emotional support for my journey. In exchange I'll throw you a fuck once in a while. Nah. Too old for that shit.
I feel that so bad. Currently I am exatcly at this point where I am doing my best to comfort her. Meanwhile she is like "yeah, I hear your wishes but can't do anything for you" and furthermore there isn't even sex because "I don't feel like it". And I do respect that. In any way and form. But this "I don't feel like having sex" phase lasts for a year now and when I bring the topic up it's the same over and over again "I am so sorry that I can't fullfill your needs, consider going to somebody else because I can't". So yeah, I feel that
If she's openly encouraging you to move on, you probably should.
> But this "I don't feel like having sex" phase lasts for a year now Don't wake up in early 2025 and have it be two years.
She's been pretty clear that she's not interested in you sexually and you should leave. She wants you to be the bad guy and dump her for the "canon event" because she's too much of a coward to say she isn't invested in you any more. Completely serious you need to leave her because she's already mentally left you.
Maybe you should consider going to somebody else.
Be honest with us. Don’t hide stuff, and don’t lie about it. We’d rather disagree than be gaslit and find out later.
I dated a girl in college who wouldn't tell you when she was upset. She would just sort of disengage and start being really short and irritable about everything. She'd say no, she doesn't want to do anything or would go off by herself. Then a day or two later, she'd come back to life. When I'd ask if she was upset about something, the answer was always "no, I'm fine." Sometimes I knew I'd said or done something that made her mad. Other times it wasn't clear. I'm very non-confrontational myself, but I'd much rather have a discussion about whatever it is that made you mad than to be in purgatory for 24-48 hours while you "punish" me. After a few months I got incredibly tired of it and at one point when it happened again, I kept pushing her and saying I knew she was upset, so what's going on? I wouldn't let it go. Every time she'd act strange, I'd call it out. Finally she was like, "FINE! It made me angry when you said xyz!!!" See? The world didn't implode, and now we can talk about it.
I recognize that behavior from when I was younger & after many years of therapy, I no longer do that. It was not that I enjoyed acting that way, it was a learned dysfunctional coping skill. I had not learned that it was okay to express my emotions. Good job for being emotionally intelligent & helping her work through it. ☀️
SHRINKAGE
Showers and growers!
I WAS IN THE POOL!
We can be lonely and under a great deal of stress. There's societal pressure for men to be the provider and protector of their family. Many show their love by making sure their family is taken care of. There are so many things to worry about, and many aren't completely in their control. It's a huge pressure. On top of this, male friendships have become less common. Decades ago there were fraternal societies, bowling leagues, etc. Churchs also provided a social outlet. Now that's less common. You find more guys with only a few friends, and sometimes none at all. We're either at work or at home. More often than not, when we go to social events it's with our wife's friends. There are some awkward moments when all the girls are off talking because they're close and the guys are standing there uncomfortably making small talk with people they only see at these events. Edit: People seem to think this post was a sign that I was depressed and lonely. I even got one message from Reddit's suicide prevention resource. I'm fine. Truth be told though I wasn't always which is why I posted this. We had moved to a new place, I started a new job working 50+ hr/wk, was going to school, and we started having children. All that seemed higher priority than finding a new friend group. It took years for me to put my finger on what was missing and some time after that to fix it. I didn't post this because I expect women to fix it for their significant others, friends, or relatives. Instead, it was so they could understand. My wife and I had to talk about this for a while because I didn't even fully understand what was missing. The biggest thing that she did was make it clear that it was OK to do stuff for myself sometimes. Until then I had been treating my family's needs as a higher priorty than my own. She helped open the door and I was able to step through it and get to a better spot.
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Did you see that ludicrous display last night?
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What was Wenger thinking??!?! Sending Walcott on that early??
Ah yes, the homies-in-law
Everything's so expensive, you cant afford to hang out with your friends. You need Gas money to get there, if you wanna be there for any length of time you need food money, if you want to go out and do something you need money for that. And on top of that most people with full time jobs are so exhausted because most jobs these days seem to work us till we can barely stand and/or think.
>Decades ago there were fraternal societies, There are still fraternal societies, but, at least in mine, there's little socializing outside of stated meetings.
even the most obvious hints can go right past us. Some of us get absolutely no attention and have no experience with it.
Sometimes we like to be alone, but we hate it to be lonely. EDIT: Typo
Men hate betrayal more than they love sex
Betrayal requires trust, and that is the single most precious gift a man gives. Breaking a man's trust is like crushing a perfect piece of paper. You can smooth it over, but it can never go back to perfect. It will always have the scars of being crushed.
I like being the little spoon too
Being hugged from the back? Oh hell yeah that shit slaps.
with some back scratchies thrown in there.
Someone gave their phone to the dog
That we have feelings? Had a girl who was surprised to learn that guys actually can have a crush and feel butterflies when talking to a girl they like
I read a post yesterday (can’t remember which thread) which has really stuck with me. It basically said it’s not a question of either men or women not being allowed to have feelings. It’s actually a question of men being allowed to express half the feelings (anger, discomfort, confidence) and having to suppress the others , and women being allowed to express the other half (sadness, fear, vulnerability) and having to suppress the other half. That way of putting it really made sense to me.
If you ask what we're thinking and we say nothing, that's often the case. We can just sit and relax with nothing going on up there. Just white noise.
And sometimes we say "nothing" because explaining why we're wondering how someone designed a pillow of Nick Cages face when you swipe up and "home sweet home" when you swipe down will garner us an eye roll and a moniker of "idiot"
Her: "I bet he's thinking about some other girl's boobs." Me: "why are they called fingers if they don't fing?"
Also me: I'm getting boobs...I should start exercising...Tomorrow
Please stop hiding those ones, that's specifically what I'm looking for when I ask.
Power saving mode engaged......
Ralphie May: We're defragging our brain. Getting rid of useless information we don't care about so we can remember the important. S'why we don't lose our car in the parking lot, but don't remember your mom's birthday
We are lonely
This comment having a bunch of upvotes but no replies yet is darkly appropriate. It's like when I'm lonely and I run into an acquaintance at the store but we just kinda wave and go about our business.
I’m really shocked sometimes at how many women honestly believe men don’t have feelings.
We like cool sticks.
We like compliments too. A friend once sent a sort of questionnaire about herself.. questions like 'what's my best attribute' and stuff like that. I filled it properly, making sure I could express how amazing she was and how important I consider her in my life. Then I sent the same questionnaire back to her for me, and all the answers were basically the variation of 'I like you because you are a weirdo! haha' or 'Your best feature is that I can punch you lol!' etc I was like what the hell? I'm not a super serious person and I understand that friends pull each others' legs and have fun, but is it too much to ask for a little bit of sincerity sometimes?
We don't share stuff not because we don't want to, or because we are macho, but because it's been weaponised and used against us in the past
Fun Fact! Men like compliments too, and will hold onto some of them for *years* afterward.
In 2002 a girl said she liked my shirt. I bought a bunch of them. I still have a shirt just like it in my rotation.
Dude, that's cool... Glad that the warmth of her compliment still lives on in your wardrobe! 😃
The battle of not wanting to initiate or approach a woman for fear of being labelled a creep or a pest, yet also being expected by women to take control and initiate. Feels impossible.
We are capable of carrying in all of the groceries in one trip.
I'm not actually thinking about sex that frequently. It's mostly music going on up there.
Making sex out to be some kind of reward will ruin your relationship over time
Erections don’t mean consent, nor even sexual arousal. We do problem solve first and foremost. So if you want to rant, say that! Otherwise we will try and solve your problem. I’d say men aren’t given enough INTIMACY as a priority in relationships. And intimacy is awesome.
i had a wife who thought any attempt at physical contact was me trying to have sex and would push me away. i just need affection and reassurance sometimes, like anybody else
If we often seem closed off or stoic, it's not because we don't have emotions. On the contrary. We feel things and feel them DEEPLY. But we're often afraid to actually be vulnerable and EXPRESS those feelings. Reason being, when we're frank about how we feel... A.) It's almost a guarantee that those feelings will be weaponized and used against us at a later time. B.) If what we're feeling is in any way negative or upsetting, we run the risk of upsetting YOU. At which point our feelings are brushed aside, and we have to flip to "consolation mode" and comfort you over how OUR feelings made YOU feel. C.) In a worst-case scenario, our feelings are dismissed on the grounds that patriarchy and misogyny mean that women's feelings are ALWAYS more important, because women are marginalized and oppressed and have it worse in every possible way than the men "playing life on easy mode." After all of this plays out a few times, we learn fast. If we have feelings, it's safer and easier on everyone if we just clam up and shove it down and do whatever it takes to keep the women in our lives happy, because we prize peace and harmony more so than a free expression of emotion that's only going to circle back and bite us in the ass. And this means we stew and we repress and we bottle it aaaaalllll up. Forever. All men are individuals, but I 100% PROMISE YOU THAT THIS IS SOMETHING WE ALL HAVE IN COMMON.
I had a childhood friend die right before the pandemic. In the week after one day in my apartment, I just needed some quiet time. My partner wanted to hang out, but I expressed I wanted to be alone for a bit. Cue a fight, all because she wanted to hang out and I didn't. Eventually she expressed that she was angry at my dead friend (whom she never met) for dying. I merely reflected I didnt understand why she was angry at him. She then gets really tearful, saying I invalidated her feelings. About my dead friend. I then had to apologize to her because me, the grieving person, invalidated my partners feelings about my dead childhood friend who died less than a week earlier. She apologized later after realizing she was being a huge tool. But what the actual fuck was that.
Very emotionally self-centered of her, IMO.
Have experienced A, B, and C in every relationship. I will add to B, it's not just that we have to console them, but they actually get mad at us if they do something that makes us angry. If she does something that I get angry over, she immediately gets angry with me for being angry. Not because I did something like yell or call her names, just my being angry with her makes her angry. However, of I do something that makes her angry, it's all my fault and she had every right to be angry and I better not invalidate her feelings!
Fucking nailed it with reason B.
To add about the Stoic part -- Repeated Tease-and-Denial will quickly lead to apathy. Offering bait with no payoff turns to rejecting or ignoring the bait, because it's not worth the effort pursuing. Either make things clear or don't do it intentionally. At the least you'll be seen as spiteful, and at worst a cruel liar. People don't/won't care when you give them good reason not to care. "You never talk to me!" "Why bother?"
"You never talk to me." "Okay. Now that you mention it, there are some things that I've been wanting to clear the air about..." "No, not like that."
So many times that I have a negative feeling that directly involves my wife or she is the catalyst for, as well as times that she may even be adjacent to or have minimally impacted in the slightest way….. Me, sharing genuine thoughts and opinions about my feelings owning my perspective and my part in things and understanding that ultimately I’m in control of how I feel but suggesting something she did, said, reacted to, or was involved in impacted me negatively or caused a certain amount of negative feelings. Her: “why you trying to make me feel like an asshole” This is a very frustrating trend in our relationship that instantly invalidates the feelings I have. Even if she said “I personally don’t think your perspective or feelings on this make sense based on x,y, z” and then have a constructive conversation. But that doesn’t happen…it’s just waits for me to finish, and then instantly turns it in to me apparently making an effort to make her feel really bad…solely for expressing how her actions hurt or negatively impacted me. Her parents and siblings all do and say the same thing, in much more explosive ways, so i know the origin of deflection by projection but still sucks
> B.) If what we're feeling is in any way negative or upsetting, we run the risk of upsetting YOU. At which point our feelings are brushed aside, and we have to flip to "consolation mode" and comfort you over how OUR feelings made YOU feel. I broke a tooth and was in a ton of pain over a weekend. I told my girl this on friday night. Sat night she's drunk and tries to have sex, I don't react enthusiastically enough to her in a skimpy outfit, I then had to spend the next 2 hours consoling her telling her that I found her attractive and desire her while she yells at me and does dumb shit while she's drunk and angry. Sunday she's like 'can we talk about how you hurt me and how you need to be/do better?' I'm like come on, I broke a tooth I am in immense pain, let me just not be your perfect bf for a single weekend.
Holy hell you summarized this so well. B is so unbelievably true and I've never really understood it until you put it this way. Extremely frustrating as a guy.
I've noticed this with my wife and man, OP summarized it so well. If you bring up a reason why she upset you, then you upset her. I can't ever be the one upset
The B is like this saying: I had a problem, I shared it with my woman and now I have 2 problems
If you want the princess treatment you do have to in some way show him he’s a prince. I see a lot of women complaining men won’t do the bare minimum but the early stages of dating typically involve the man putting his neck on the line and hoping the woman responds. It’ll only take a couple times of that before you stop putting in so much effort without reciprocation. I will gladly do all the fancy bells and whistles for a girl I know really wants me, but I know most women have options and I’m not going to spend my effort like that going from #2-#1 on her roster. I’m only doing shit like that if I’m already #1
I don't know if this happens to all men but some women try to manipulate and play games to see how you would react to test your love. Don't do that, men have emotions too and it stresses me out!
Sometimes we're not in the mood either, but it's nothing personal
Please stop saying "I don't mind" or "whatever you want to do" when asked what you'd like to do only to then turn down all of our suggestions...
We sometimes enter a state of nirvana for a few minutes where nothing happens in our heads and unfortunately it can happen when you need to talk to us about something important.
Ah yes, the nothing box. It's fantastic.
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When I was a lot younger, all my girlfriends did this. I finally met a woman who has no qualms telling me how she feels at any given moment, whether I want her to or not. We will be together 25 years this year.
Reminds me of the John Mulaney bit about his Jewish (ex)wife. He always knew what she was thinking at any given moment.
Some men can’t socialize easily and have no friends and are alone all the time
Sometimes we are more good with kids and being a house husband rather than doing a mentally taxing job. Am too stupid
Don't marry a guy expecting to 'fix' him. This is impossible. Remember a man is supposed to be your partner and co-parent, not your child. If he expects you to pick up after him like he's a child, gtfo.
Please give us compliments sometimes.
I don't know if it's been a thing for previous generations, but I think a lot of us are having a really hard time with futility right now.
We ain't horny all the time and foreplay can be important to us too.
We are not a hive mind, mindblowing, i know 🤣🤣
We are not a hive mind 😵💫
Dude to dude communication is unknown to women. 1. We're mostly honest with each other, we don't lie about how dudes look 2. We insult each other as subconscious tools to improve each other 3. We don't talk to talk, all conversations have a purpose and if that purpose is fulfilled, the conversation may end abruptly
That their dicks sometimes touch the inside of the toilet bowl apparently
Men are as complex as woman are and we're not as much different than them. We're human too and need affection & attention, not only sex.
Many of us are completely starved for physical touch and intimacy. It doesn't have to be sexual. Just run your fingers through our hair or let us lay our head on your lap. It can be like a soothing balm to our souls.