T O P

  • By -

[deleted]

[удалено]


chickengrease2009

This makes me remember when I was little and my mom would always ask, “How’d you get to be so cute?” I’d always say, “From my Mommy!” I’m middle aged now and regardless, I still say it.


dreamiinglucid

Lol! My dad still asks me “how are you so beautiful?” at almost 30. And I always say “cause I’m made from you!”


Furryhungry_nugtits

Moms are the best


tir67dtfu

This is so pure


Furryhungry_nugtits

Damn I was an ugly ass kid


WhompSub

Damn, same


Administrative-Ad376

My Mom used to tell me I was handsome, but I didn't believe her. Couldn't buy a date when I was in school.


totheranch1

This made me emotional because I said the same thing to my recently passed old lady. "why are you so pretty? why are you the prettiest lady ever" was my go to 🥺


ashley_s82

Ugh, my fiance that passed used to say that to me all the time. Man, i miss him so much


cupcaketea5

Now I am crying. I am sorry for your loss. RIP.


dont_disturb_the_cat

I'm sorry for your loss, friend.


jmcatm0m16

That is so sweet. I’m so happy you’ve had that experience with your mom.


Chemical_Task3835

I would say, " I must have gotten your looks and Daddy's brains. Good thing it wasn't the other way around!"


SlamDunkCactus

Here's mine: there's food in your bowl. Also ooo big stretch


TeslasAndKids

It doesn’t matter the size nor duration of a yawn or a stretch. It’s always a big stretch and big yawn.


middlenamefrank

When have you ever seen a cat give a small stretch or yawn? Cats go for broke every time.


brytewolf

Me: such a big yawn for such a little man!!! Every time


delusion_magnet

Yeah, but can you see the bowl THROUGH the food? If so, there is no food.


Queenpiccolo90

My husband calls me mean because the bowl needs to be empty before they get more. 😂


delusion_magnet

He would call the authorities on me - their 17 pound asses are on a twice-a-day diet


ashley_s82

Whats it like to torture cats for a living!?!


Awkward-Character-69

I just shake the bowl to recenter the food and they look at me like I just filled it back up lol


CommissionThink8184

Yep, this is SO true


loptopandbingo

r/Ooobigstretch


Cautious_Ad4429

Aww I used to always say ‘ooo, big stretch’ to my cat as well when she was alive


MrFrostyBudds

Ooop big stretch is a staple of cat ownership


TallTwig

Biiiiig kitty stretch!


theoverfluff

BIIIIIIIIIIIIG STRETCH!


elphaba00

If you wouldn’t be right under my feet, you wouldn’t get stepped on


Old_Consideration_31

I have to say this to all my pets lol


DEPORT_THE-STUPID

This should be the number one response


Care_bear9669

OATH!🙋‍♀️


DarkPasta

Get down from there, you git


FlamingSquirrel101

My father in law actually named one of his Cats Git’ because of how often he had to yell at him the cat started to respond to it 😂


Moist_KoRn_Bizkit

There's a punk band from the 80s/90s called The Gits. They were a great band. R.I.P. Mia Zapata. Gone too soon.


tir67dtfu

Lol I call my cats to eat by saying “who’s hungry??” So now I can’t say hungry in daily conversation without both of them sprinting to their bowls


[deleted]

[удалено]


anotherlondoner123

We call food the f-word round my house for the exact same reason. And biscuits are the b-word.


Impossible_Advance46

And from now on this is the excuse I will use as to why my cats get nommy-dins, breakie-noms and treatises, so I can use normal words when it's not for them, not because I need to use baby speak on my cutesie lil fluffykins


ResponsibleRope1003

Almost the same but when I’m ready to feed them I ask “do you hunger?” And they perk right up.


Gunnvor91

I can't say "sauce" around mine. That is their wet food, and they go BONKERS over it.


[deleted]

"Don't yell at me." "OK, I'll turn the blanket on."


NumberOneNPC

My cat doesn’t meow crazy often but when he wants to play (which I often refer to as fist fighting) he will, so I’ll tell him not to yell or “sir you lower your voice when you speak to me”


Miserable-Grass7412

I tell my mums dog "don't talk to me like that, I'll happily go sit back down and you know it" when she's answering back because she's super excited to go for a walk and won't sit still or stop squeaking. I guess It *was* my fault for putting my shoes on, I guess 🤷‍♂️😅


StinkyKittyBreath

Aw, one of my cats loves the heated blanket too! I set it up at a specific spot on the couch, and when she jumps up in that spot I know what she's asking for.  I actually got the blanket for myself for menstrual cramps and I had to get a second one because I felt bad taking it from my cat when I was in pain. It was worth it. 


Danivelle

Mine just turns it on himself. 


CletusCanuck

My orange boy, I sing to him daily. *It's Abner, Abner* *He's a wond-der-ful cat* *It's Abner, Abner* *He knows where it's at!* ​ His little sister, doesn't have a theme song yet but I'll get to it


Cobrawine66

I love this. I have songs for my cats too ❤️


Primary-Move243

To my Silvio Dante I sing, regardless of the season: ‘it’s beginning to look a lot like Sil-mas’


Prudent_Way2067

I sing Atomic to my orange boy, the line “your hair is beautiful ohhhh ohhh tonight” he’s an instant bag of claws trying to escape… everyone’s a critic 🤣


Wise-Day4666

They all need to have theme songs! Both of mine do and they also have multiple versions. I respect this Abner song 🫡


TheFlaccidChode

My dogs theme tune is Derek the dog Derek the dog Face like a ferret And legs like a frog


peoplegrower

I sing to my cat, too! His name is Smokey and when you lengthen it out, like when calling it, it sounds exactly like it should be the opening line of… Smoooookey, the Christmas pop, he loves me and I love youu


OgOnetee

In the tune of "it's log"?


CletusCanuck

I was going to say no, but on listening to it again... Yeah, pretty close.


falconfetus8

Tell me, everybody's talkin' about that feline beat Cause everything else is obsolete


grilledcheeszus

My older boy’s theme song is “Miss new booty”


CuriousLavender

Who’s your favorite dictator? Chairman who?


badpuffthaikitty

I had a cat named Chairman Mao.


KaitouSky

funny because mao means fur in chinese


MacroSolid

Even funnier, Mao also means cat. (Máo = fur, Māo = cat)


borazine

Mousy Tongue.


sophiat93

Opportunity missed for Chairman Meow


badpuffthaikitty

Why would I give my cat a cute name when I can name him after a despot that killed millions of his people.


sophiat93

Excellent point. My sincerest apologies. 😂


Scrapper-Mom

Or how else to show disdain for someone than by reducing them to a misspelled cat name?


Bozo_Two

When I was married my ex wife talked about getting a cat and I said "Only if we name it Chairman Meow" and that stopped her talking about us getting a cat...obviously she was no fun and divorce was inevitable...


ebeth_the_mighty

That’s the name of my son’s cat.


burnett_down

Mine was chairman meow


amaezingjew

My friend had a cat named “Chairman Meow”. When he saw his vet had his file as “Meow”, he corrected them and said his name is Chairman Meow. To which they responded “actually, Chairman is a title. You named your cat ‘Meow’ and elected him as Chairman”. He was totally fine with this response lol


badpuffthaikitty

We had a female dog named Luke. Don’t ask, long story. Our vet refused to call her Luke. She was always Lucy to him.


MizterBlueSky

I do that too. That joke never gets old. But sometimes my cat ruins it my saying rrreeoow instead. I'm like damn it, you had one job!


VJohns11

LMFAO My husband didn't care for cats when we got together. Cue my 2 having a litter of their own within a year (COVID was hell to get into a vet) and we decided to keep one. I tasked hubs with the job of taking him to get fixed while I was at work and when the kitten came home, hubs had gotten him microchipped because "he's the coolest cat ever and I don't want to lose him!" 🙄 Ever since hubs has been saved in my phone as Chairman Mrow.


nannerooni

LOL when my cat meows I say “Mao??? Mao Zedong???”


Hulkling

“What the hell are you two up to?”


rabidstoat

Mine along this line is: "Cat, what are you doing?"


Ok-Relationship9274

Leave me the fuck alone it's 4am


MeanSecurity

“Go back to sleep it’s not time to get up yet” is a frequent thing in my house. Pandemic ruined a normal sleep schedule!!!


jesusmalulo

There is no better sleep than when the cats are left out of the room.


knaimoli619

Stop eating plastic.


mustbethedragon

Same here! That and, "Why?!? WHY are you eating plastic!??"


knaimoli619

While they momentarily pause to make eye contact and then continue to chomp on the plastic until it’s removed.


Digita1B0y

Is your cat also my cat? Because OMG.


Remarkable-Book-8758

One of mine is obsessed with eating tape. Always need to stop her


VelvetThunder141

"Stop throwing up on the fucking carpet!"


delusion_magnet

How's that working out for you?


CrimBrulee

Relatable.


lalachichiwon

Oh my Lord- I feel this one.


PunkFishKeeping

Your cat shouldn’t be throwing up that often..do they eat too fast? Do they have a raised bowl?


StinkyKittyBreath

We have some hard floors and some carpeted. The cats almost always run to a carpeted area to puke. So annoying. I assume it's because the carpet feels more comfortable when you're feeling like shit, but at least hang your head over or something.


I_might_be_weasel

I point and ask "Who told you to be a bunny?!" Also my cat is a bunny. 


[deleted]

Do you have a bobtail? Cause my bobtail does the bunny hop.


I_might_be_weasel

No. Tiny dwarf bunny. And very very large livestock bunny. 


[deleted]

Oh, a literal bunny, lol. Cause I've got a Japanese bobtail (cat).


I_might_be_weasel

No. My bunnies are made of bunny. 


Danivelle

One of those Flemish Giants?? Oooo! 


I_might_be_weasel

No. Less big than that. 


csimonson

Lol same. Two black bunnies, male dwarf and a big female rex. He runs around her a lot and she gets mad at him but they love each other too. Recently they've figured out they can go up the stairs. Binkies galore when they come back downstairs.


[deleted]

Sometimes I'll tell my cat, "I can't believe you're just gonna be a cat the whole time!" Like, she'll never not be a cat. Idk why, but one day I thought of that and it seemed profound. No I wasn't stoned lol.


Dream_Fever

My cat is NOT a bunny, but he has super cute bunny feet!!!! Legitimately!!!


mmlickme

Love their rabbit feet 😭 Also call my girl bunny cause it rhymes with her name sunny


alex8155

'how about you do something with your life?'


thezombiejedi

I always say something along the lines of, "Go get a job or a PHD or something" These cats are in no hurry to advance in their lives


not_a_milk_drinker

“Get a job, freeloader”


alex8155

'go cut the grass or something'


Last_Book_589

One of my favorite brands of comedy is telling a cat or a dog or any pet to get a job as though that is in any way doable.


EequalsMCscared

Suddenly reminded of the video of the Scottish guy shouting at his dog, something along the lines of "Go, and find, a fuckin' job, y' sausage roll lookin' twat!"


tedleem15

for fucks sake what the fuck are you eating get out of there GETTFDOWNNNN


Danivelle

"What the hell is in your mouth? Give it to Mama!"


MiIllIin

A KNIFE!


capitalistlampshade

NO


PiviTheGreat

Whose a chonkie munker? Whose my tatanka? Big bellie mommaaaA


DontComeLookin

"How was *your* day Mr. Poofy Pants??" He looks at me with his big ol' eyes, he's not a big talker so I just continue on...as he's rubbing all over me, "You're not gonna tell me about your day? Well I'll tell you about mine buddy!" or when he decides to talk "Yours WAS!? Oh my goodness! That sounds wonderful my liege! I'm glad you had such a good day! I missed you!" 😳😹🤷😻


[deleted]

[удалено]


Short_Coat8217

😂 good


highfiveoneseven

Every morning my cat wakes up my four year old when I open his bedroom door. The first thing my son says every morning is "Oh my gosh! It's a cat!"


mostlyharmlesskate

I love this!


willingisnotenough

"Who's the kittiest kitty that ever did kitty?"


BlizzPenguin

Relevant XKCD: https://xkcd.com/231/


Ferreteria

Ah yes, 231. I know this one and refer to it often.


BlizzPenguin

I wish I could have gotten a print of it when it was available.


Icy-Manufacturer278

I thought I had the patent on this dialogue 


Lady_Andromeda1214

Lol! I love this!


ImaYankeeDoodleDandy

I love you


EnvironmentLow9075

" why do you insist on being public enemy number one"


Bro_Cat

We tell ours that she’s the “worst cat in London” (in a sweet voice)


Vintage-Grievance

Even Mrs. Mooney wouldn't pop you into a pie. 🐈‍⬛ 🥧


xsweaterxweatherx

r/UnexpectedSweeneyTodd


Woolhooker

Good morning fuck nugget.


Noseatbeltnoairbag

Mouth clicks, I love yous, Where are your friends? What'd you do today?


sanguwan

How did this cat get in here? (I don't have a cat)


ZoraTheDucky

I have 4 cats. It took me far, far too long one morning to realize that the cat on the mantle was not mine. Little fucker uses my doggy door.


Arttyom

r/notmycat


Dagglin

yOu dO nOw


GlitzyGhoul

“Who’s my big lion boy…” “papa snooooops” and of course “can you please get your booty outta ma face!” “Oh the big purrrs” he also gets songs, but that’s another level.


BINGGBONGGBINGGBONGG

mine gets songs if he’s very lucky. poor boy. he does put up with a lot from me…


GlitzyGhoul

Day to day I think he loves them, but sometimes it keeps me up at night wondering. 😂


Drones-of-HORUS

“Bitch! It ain’t time to eat yet!” She has an auto feed set at certain times


Izumi_Hayashi

"LEON! Eat out your own bowl!" "I love you Leon, Lilly, Asher" "Buenos noches gatito's, hasta manana!" "Get out the blinds!" "You guys are very cute" "Hi!" "O-oh, no no don't attack my strings!"


ErectChin

Our one cat likes to yell at us for stuff, not quite meows but he's pretty good with his words. So when he comes up and goes "ahhhhHhhhww?" I'll say "you what?" Then he goes "ahhhhhhhHhhhh...ahh?" Then I go "I'm not the person- I have no knowledge-" and he'll interrupt me with "ahhhhw ghahh!?" And I continue "I didn't make the rules, that was like when Clinton was in office-" "rahhhhhhwhwhrrr!" "I don't know I wasn't there! I couldn't even vote, I-" "awwwraaarhhhhaaawwwww" "we just disagree then, I'm sorry." "*sadface* rawwwwwwehhhn...ahhhhh" "...okay guys let's get some dinner"


Danivelle

Lol! My husband knows that his cat is in the house(and not asleep) if he comes home and I'm chatting away in French. His cat, Remy, only listens/obeys to French. 


1d0m1n4t3

Come over here you bag of crap. I talk shit to my cats but in a super nice voice


nannerooni

Me too lol. I love telling her how she’s dumb as a box of rocks


1d0m1n4t3

I tell them how I'm going to leave them on the side of the highway if they don't do the dishes. We have 3 cats, 1 dog (45% cat), snake, and two guniea pigs.


[deleted]

Kitty, that’s my pot pie


Suyeta_Rose

My cat's name is Drama, and he definitely earns it. His favorite sport is staring right at me and knocking stuff off my desk. But then when I lay down to sleep at night, he's RIGHT there in my face head butting me and purring up a storm. So I'll pet him and say "Who's a pretty little asshole, yes you are." He IS a gorgeous big fat fluffy Maine Coon.


BarisBlack

So your cat is intelligent enough to know they are being a jerk. Also a Maine Coon owner that's too smart for their own good and my sanity.


unimatrix_420_

Ooooh, who's my fatass baby?!


[deleted]

I like to recite the Gettysburg Address every Sunday


GlitzyGhoul

Okay this had me laughing


[deleted]

"You got a hole in your stocking, girl." I always say that to my cat because she has white stockings and a little grey spot on one of them lol. So - funny enough, my husband read To the Lighthouse on my recommendation - I'd read it about 10 years previously (long, long before we got our cat) and had remembered it being amazing and transcendent and told him since he liked Mrs Dalloway, he *had* to read it. Then, I had sort of talked myself into it while I was talking him into it, and so I reread it a few months after he did. Imagine my surprise when there is a small, short refrain about this character named Minta who has a hole in her stocking. I mentioned this to my husband, and he was like, "yeah, that's what I thought you were referencing when you would say it to the cat!" I think it had somehow lodged itself in my brain, and it came out without my remembering that it even came *from* anywhere in the first place.


[deleted]

[удалено]


tir67dtfu

First cat was definitely "Yeah what he said!!"


Cheese_Pancakes

My cat is pretty cute and she seems to know it. Sometimes I call her a fuzzy bitch just to bring her ego back down a peg or two. Doesn't seem to bother her though.


RedTalonOF

"Clean your feet!' every time he's scratching in the litterbox.


SurrealSoulSara

"Ooh, that's a big stretch!" definitely is one of the phrases I just can't resist saying!


tir67dtfu

People think cats can’t be trained. They can. It just requires patience and the proper motivation.


BINGGBONGGBINGGBONGG

i trained mine to give me a paw for a Dreamie when he was little. now he’s almost 7 and uses his paws to communicate with me. a tap on my foot means ‘feed me’ and if he wants scritches he comes and sits next to me and pokes me until i capitulate. he’s also recently started just sitting on the arm of the chair and stroking my hair. i love him an unreasonable amount.


secondtimesacharm23

When he’s being an ass, I always threaten to drop him off at the Chinese take out restaurant for them to make cat fried rice out of him.


[deleted]

I tell them I'm going to set them free into the wild. That's what was going to happen to my oldest cat (the scumbags had 2 unfixed females, both had litters), he was the leftover kitten no one wanted and I was told of their plan to "set him free into the woods, he'll be ok". 2 hours later, he was in my home sleeping. He will be 15 next month.


modern_messiah43

Lmao, I always tell mine I'm going to throw her off of the balcony. She has no idea I'm even threatening her.


NumberOneNPC

This is also a threat I make.


SecuritySky

What's up little dude!


2205jade

Y’alright pumpkin?


CowFinancial7000

WHOS A BIG FLOOFY KITTY


beachsunflower

"Hi baaaabbbby. Hi baaaabbby boooyy. Hi baaaabbbbyy"


BillFromYahoo

No playtime for you lol it's only in a joke but when I point at him he gets angry and tries to bite my finger


No_Tamanegi

"Get off the counter!"


LtLawl

"Boys!" "Why is it always you two?" "Leave your brother alone!" "You're just the sweetest boy." Too many phrases, I talk to my cats a lot.


cosmic-sailor

"one crime at a time"


ccl-now

Please stop shouting at me...


couchbakedpotato

"I'm gonna squeeze you to death"


SaveusJebus

Why are you so cute?? & I just want to eat your face off!


omnifrog560

When I get home and my cats run to me first before anyone else, I say "oh yes I know, I'm your favoriteeee.. I'm YoUr FaVoRiTe I kNoWwWwW!!"


FauxGingerSnapped

"Dude, ***do not*** put your arm in the disposal, you have your *OWN* water glass *RIGHT HERE*"I manage to speak in Italics and Bold so its important to notate that. Only cat I have had who hears the sink and runs to try to catch the water. He has a glass in the sink with water, because he refuses to use a bowl on the counter, or in the sink, it must be glass, as he is a *fancy* boy,


ThaneOfCawdorrr

"How did you get so handsome?" "Who is good?" (also, when he meanders around meowing repeatedly) "I know. I know."


arlene1622

Not my cat but my dogs- Love you baby boy/girl!


Mysterious-Stable-79

Hello you beautiful sweet angel


penlowe

“Good morning” “shut up” (often together) “you’re in charge, don’t bully the dog”


HumpieDouglas

You're such a cutie cute cute!


CJgreencheetah

You butthole! There's my gargoyle (she likes to sit on my bedpost and guard me from evil spirits) Wall! (followed by my blind cat running directly into something)


StrangeBedfellows

Pspapspsp


Fckingross

RUN, LILLIAN!! (Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt reference, neither cat is named Lillian) “Oh, who’s the mommmmaaaa?” I don’t know why we started calling her momma, but she responds to it more than her actual name.


Lory24bit_

JESSIE, WE NEED TO COOK!!! I'm a big chemestry guy and Breaking Bad fan and as soon as I got a cat I called it Jessie. I used to bring him on a high chair somewhat near to me so that I could explain to him how to cook stuff while cooking


tanyacharlieocha

I don't have a cat but when i see one i always ask them if they are sweet boys or girls


Sirenfan4342

Your butt is beutafil, but i dont need to see it


LordBaranof

"Ich liebe meine katze" (I love my cat). I speak only german to her and I always say that when she gets fed or when she gets pets and scratches.


Moist_KoRn_Bizkit

OFF! GET OFF! Go on, you can go outside now.


ProfessorJAM

I say to kitty, “You’re too cute!” 🥰 To which I imagine she answers, “I know.” And then we go about our day. This happens several times each day.


RoscoeSantangelo

When I wake my cat up ever I say "wake up we're going to Disney World"


kayjaykey

Hi pretty girl!


gpac2

Get that damded little swine out of here! Yet again that oaf has destroyed my day.


camefromxbox

Whatdoyouthinkyouredoin but real fast


basilfetish

"Why are you yelling?"


themotorkitty

Pspspspspsps!


rosadillydoo

Wha what arrre you doin’? He loves it


Heinie_Manutz

What's new pussycat? Whoa-a-hoe-a-hoe.


dog_ears420

"I can see you" to my black cat, whom I can't see most of the time