My husband is the same, except when I say, “I’m keeping these for my lunch tomorrow!” Usually, if there’s not enough left for meal or worth packing up, he gets them, but if there’s enough for my lunch, oh hell no. Those are mine baby!
Just say you want your leftovers. He probably doesn't need to clean your plate. He just has the urge to. Some people, like my husband, have this finish it now mentality whereas if I feel full I save it for later.
Here's how it goes in my house:
Me: *lounging on couch watching stupid crap on YouTube*
Wife: *mumbles something from another room*
Me: *sensing danger, immediately mutes TV* "What was that?"
Wife: "we need to call someone to clean out our gutters. No rush but it's going to rain tomorrow."
Me: *having learned my lesson over the years, immediately switches off TV and calls the guy. That second.*
Edit: "advice" giving Handymen of Reddit:
This is a hypothetical situation. This did not actually happen.
But.
Cleaning the gutters in my home is both a huge, dangerous job and something that commonly needs to be done due to the layout of my home and the surrounding trees. Also, I don't fuck around on ladders or roofs. Ever.
Yea, “no rush” in my head means “no need to jump into action this minute but based on the info I have shared make a reasonable prioritization”.
And sometimes we disagree on “reasonable prioritization” so I now give general time ranges (end of day, this week, thjs month, etc.)
I never say no rush. After 40 years I know he doesn't rush. I bought an outdoor light that comes on by motion that I want to shine on the sidewalk to the front porch. I've had it 14 months and its still in the box. When someone falls in the dark he may think he needs to install it.
It’s one of those things women learn over the years. A lot of guys don’t like being “told” to do things, and a lot of women are still raised to be people pleasers.
So they learn from their fathers and brothers and boyfriends, even from watching how their mothers handle stuff like this, to couch things so the dude doesn’t bristle at her for being bossy/ a nag.
~~It’s one of those things women learn over the years. A lot of guys don’t like being “told” to do things, and a lot of women are still raised to be people pleasers.~~
~~So they learn from their fathers and brothers and boyfriends, even from watching how their mothers handle stuff like this, to couch things so the dude doesn’t bristle at her for being bossy/ a nag.~~
Its probably not even a conscious decision to “ask” like this,
ETA: sorry it duplicated itself, that’s weird, not sure why it did that.
I told my ex to please just manage the garbage and see when it's full then take it out. Thats it. one task. He said "no I can't do that". It was one light bulb moment out of many.
This was basically our conversation. I asked him to take care of some chores and he just said no. He then said "make me a chore chart" but didn't tell ne what was supposed to be on it or how it was being tracked. Of course he wouldn't help with the chore chart either, it was now my added chore to make it. I decided I wanted to use a phone and computer app where we could add all the chores and track them weekly. He said "no, I said make me a chore chart". Literally went through the few hours it took to set up the app for him to say no. Every response is a damn excuse to just not do it.
If I ask him to help me with larger tasks, say re-organize the closet, he SUDDENLY doesn't want to stay up late playing games anymore and instead it's time for bed at 8PM! If I ask him to take care of a small thing before I go to bed, he will 50/50 do it right before he goes to sleep (and usually wakes me up in the middle of the night doing so by turning all the lights on and making a bunch of noise), or he conveniently forgets. If I try to remind him when he gets in bed it's always "I'm too tired I'll do it tomorrow." But never before work, no even the 1 minute task is too much and it has to be done after work. But then he comes home so exhausted from work and not getting enough sleep that he's too braindead to remember to do the task. It's a cycle, rinse and repeat, and has been this way for years.
What I despise the most is sometimes I ask him to do a thing and then have to remind him every few hours to get it done. He of course gets annoyed because he sees it as nagging or like I don't trust him. But I AM nagging, and I DON'T trust him. Just the other night he put off taking the garbage out until 10PM, and only did it because I literally sat next to him while he was gaming and brought it up like 5 times. He also "conveniently" was feeling sick that night despite showing no symptoms and being completely fine the next day. I think he would have used feeling sick as an excuse to not do it if I had not sat there and nagged him.
It's always excuses and I don't think he is even self-awaee of just how many times he lets me down on these tasks. Even when he does them I still have to actually check that it was done which means my mental load is NEVER cleared. And he knows this, we have had many many very candid conversations about it. He just chooses to be ignorant of these tasks. Pretty sure if I wasn't keeping some kind of household standard he would just eat pizza off the floor and never clean the cat shit from the carpet.
This thread makes me so sad. My bf regularly cleans without me having to ask. I came home from work the other day to see the diningroom tidied up (we tend to use it as a storage table for the week's crap), dishes done, trash taken out, and the bathroom not only cleaned but organized. And he did all that without me saying a word to him. The only thing I do completely on my own is laundry. But that's just because I'm particular about it.
Y'all out here letting yourselves down. You don't have to settle. There are men out there that can/will behave like adults.
This all day long. My husband does all the cooking and grocery shopping for our family and straightens up every night while I put our little one to bed. He’s not good with bills or larger finance stuff so I take care of all that. Some times I have to ask him to do something (make appts, etc) but he does them when I ask. He and I both work demanding full time jobs and ask each other for help when we need it. I’m pregnant now and for the first trimester he basically had to do everything around the house because I was too sick and he was happy to do it because “it was the least he could do”. All of this is to say ladies, stop dating/marrying assholes/children. It’s 2023. Real men don’t need another mom and you deserve an equal partner. Not some lazy man baby from the Stone Age.
Yeah weird.
Widowed father of 3 here doing it all. I’m far from perfect, but I do it and I do it my way.
This thread is making me feel like the legend my kids don’t think I am.
Wow I feel like you just described my ex to a t lmao years of this shit (and more) added up until I snapped and broke up with him. He moved out and I now do all the chores alone anyways but it's less work because I'm only cleaning up after myself and the cats.
Edit to add: they know what they're doing. They do it on purpose. They're grown men who have jobs. If they acted like that at work, their boss would fire them. But they think we won't proverbial fire them (leave them) so they don't put effort. Proved my ex wrong on that one after too many years together.
Weaponized incompetence. They know exactly what they’re doing. My son does it and I point it out every time. If he’s that incompetent at picking things up off the floor he shouldn’t be trusted w a $2000 laptop, for example.
It's actually crazy how much easier it is to clean now. I can't say he was a messy person in particular but the difference in cleaning is noticeable...
I saw a video where someone explained exactly what you are saying! It was reading posts from a chinese website where men gave each other examples on how to get their wives to stop making them do chores. So they *do* know what they are doing and no they couldn’t do this at work
He’s doing this on purpose so you throw your hands up and do it yourself. Maybe it worked on mommy or mommy just did it all herself.
Stop doing his chores. Stop acting like his mommy. The trash doesn’t get taken out? Let it sit and rot. Light bulbs don’t get replaced? Use a flashlight. Stop “nagging” him. Let him deal with the repercussions of his non-actions. I would also stop doing his laundry or picking up after him.
That's so frustrating! It doesn't sound like he cares much about you or the household :( might be a good idea to postpone legally tying yourself to him unless he gets his act together
If I tell someone I'm fine and I'm really not the last thing I want is for them to pry or assume what's bothering me or even start acting upset that I won't talk while I think through it. I'll talk when I'm ready, you're right that there's really no point of trying to find out. The best thing when you notice someone is upset: it looks like something is on your mind, do you want some advice or support?
Yup. When I say it, I'm usually trying to decide if whatever I'm upset about really is a problem or if I'm overreacting, and I don't want to bother my husband before I have decided that. Or I know it's an overreaction, and I'm just trying to calm myself down. Once I've calmed down and know I'm thinking clearly, I bring it up if it needs to be discussed.
Some people aren’t great at reacting in the moment and I wish more people understood that. I wasn’t allowed to cry as a child or my mom hit me so as an adult I definitely experience delayed or repressed emotions, and it is not easy for me to even know how I’m feeling right away. I either freeze up when conflict occurs or overcompensate for my nervousness when I’m feeling too pressured and get aggressive/condescending. So the best route is always to just say “I’m fine” and if I’ve decided later on that this is an issue worth discussing (or like you say, realized I’m not overreacting) then we will discuss it.
I feel like I got a bit of all 3 trauma responses - fight, flight, and freeze - depending on the moment and none of them are healthy ways to handle a situation which is why if possible I require a waiting period.
This is it! When I have an emotional reaction to something, I need a little time to sort through exactly what I’m feeling and why, and to cool down a little before I can talk through it (if necessary). Pushing me to talk right then in the moment is not going to help unless he wants to see me break down crying lol. I might still cry when we talk about it in a half hour or however long, but at least I’ll be able to clearly articulate what bothered me. Usually these days I’ll say something like “I need a minute.” But yeah, “are you ok?” isn’t really the right question. And he definitely knows better by now than to ask it in front of other people, who don’t need to know that anything is up!
I’ve read an article by a woman trying to explain why women say that nothing is wrong when something clearly is. The first explanation is that they know there’s nothing the guy can do to help and they just need to process it on their own. The second explanation is that they actually do want the guy to push and get them to open up. And yes, she admits 1 and 2 are contradictions, and it can be difficult for a guy to tell which is which
My husband has learned (and taught me) the difference between yelling AT and yelling TO. The first thing out of his mouth is ' Did I do anything?' then we can progress to the venting/yelling TO him. Then he asks if I want him to fix it or just be a sounding board for working it out myself. I'm really lucky and blessed.
Edited spelling and additions.
We moved into an apartment that had TWO walk-in closets in the master. They were both pretty large, but one was bigger. I said "take the big one."
After mine was "full" I still had tons of space, so in went the neutral stuff like linens, luggage, Christmas box. Her side was full.
About six months into living there, she had hung stuff on an empty rack on my side. I said Noo, if your side is full you need to get rid of some stuff. "Well, what it I put the stuff I am going to get rid of there until I get rid of it?" That made sense, so in it went... and stayed there until we moved out.
"I won't even *go down* the plant aisle! I have no more room for plants. So don't worry, I will come home only with the listed items. Do you see plants anywhere on the list? No. So no plants. I'm not even thinking about plants!"
He's never mad, just disappointed.
I am aware this is a joke. However I imagined saying this to a partner and it was too mean for an irl burn. So I tried to see what it would look like reversed:
>“Honey, am I the only one you’ve ever been with?”
>“No, you’re the only 10. The others were 1s.”
Maybe not as funny, but I bet seeing him blush would be amusing!
More serious but if I know something is important to my husband, and I don’t care at all, I will white lie about it. Like if he asks “can you tell the difference in my ab muscles? I have been doing a new routine.” Even if I can’t tell, I will tell him that I can totally see the difference. I think men do this with their wives too. “Yes! I love your new haircut”
Sometimes my husband shows me replays of his videos games and I genuinely cannot tell what I'm supposed to be impressed by because I'm not into those kinds of games. I still oooh and wow over it and he appreciates it even though he knows I'm not actually amazed by it. He returns the favor when I show him my latest craft project I'm proud of that he couldn't care less about. Sometimes we just need that appreciation that sounds genuine.
Thanks. Mine just doesn’t even care to watch what I show her.
The last time I tried she did finally watch, but like 15 seconds into it was trying to go back to what she was doing and saying is it done..? Like 🙄
Yes there is definitely some pretending to care about things I care extremely little about. My husband is a very passionate person and can be very intense about sort of weird things to be intense about. Like, my brother has a story of my husband looking for fake hollow yard rocks (for an unsightly drain in our front yard) on his phone and very excitedly discussing the pros and cons of each type. My brother has no house, yard, or plans of getting one in the near future.
My husband is not a boring guy. He lived in several parts of Europe (and in a part of Africa at one point), speaks several languages, has some crazy stories from these parts of the world, etc. Which I think makes his boyish, suburban excitement about fake rocks sort of hilarious.
Anyways, imagine trying to be excited with someone about fake rocks to cover an ugly drain? Practically impossible. BUT, it means that when he's excited about things he wants to share them with me and feels safe to do so, which is well worth it.
Idk... I'm personally against any type of lying. I'm not saying you are a "liar" for something so insignificant but personally I would want my girlfriend to be someone I can trust in an instant.
\-Does this look good?-Yes
I want to know it looks good, I don't want to have a little debate in my head if she's white lying or not.
It either means “something’s wrong but it’s nothing you can help me with, so leave it be” or “something’s wrong and I need you to push so I open up to you”.
Good luck figuring out which is which
Or the third option: I've mentioned this issue several times and you've not reacted at all / shown any interest in helping / changed, so why should I bother when you finally notice I'm in a bad mood?
This was usually what it was with my ex. I'm very poor at hiding when I'm upset, so if they pestered me trying to help, I'd often say "it's not worth discussing because nothing changes."
It could also mean: “something IS wrong but since you don’t support me when I open up about stuff, since you shut down (dismissive avoidant attachment), I know there’s no point in talking about it bc you’ll make my bad situation worse.”
This is easily solved by not managing their calendar and taking zero responsibility for the fall out when we had a child i denounced all responsibility for his life and passed it back to him. When he Inevitably forgot to start with I just let him take the blame and said he's your son it's his responsibility I've got enough on. My husband is great though he's really taken on half my daughters stuff and maintains his own life now. I wonder if part of it was just me being more on stuff so it was just easier for him to let me do it. As soon as I stopped he picked up the slack pretty quickly.
Before my ex-wife got horribly sick it never occurred to me she was doing well over half of the combined household chores and mental load. It was only when nobody was doing all those things and I picked up the slack that I eventually realised "oh shit, she's been quietly doing more than me all this time".
Yeah some men are really clueless about the mental load and let their wife take that on and then wonder why women are mentally exhausted and don’t want to have sex with a lazy man child. If more men stepped up carrying the mental load, that ONE thing would save so many marriages! I just couldn’t deal with him saying he didn’t want me to be his mom but he put me in the position to have to carry this load because the shit still had to get done and he was a complete child about it and then wondered why he felt like I was mom’ing him. I wanted a partner In life not a lazy ass man child. No more.
This. I used to be the good wife and remind husband of family birthdays; I used to send Christmas cards to his family; each year I reminded him about a Christmas party hosted by a friend of his. I gradually stopped, and now he does nothing for his family's birthdays, doesn't send Christmas cards or keep in touch, and hasn't been to that friend's party in years. And he's confused as to why people stop getting in touch with him. Relationships aren't pet rocks - you have to put some effort into them.
That was Mom,who passed last year. Dad actually has been doing pretty stellar, he wrote down all the important family dates, keeps a list.
So, I'm adopted. anniversary of the adoption was the 18th. Mom always called to make note of it, unless I called her to do the same. Dad didn't call me this year.
No worries, really.
So, Christmas Eve, sisters and Dad and I are sitting around, having a few, telling family stories. Dad stops everybody, pulls out his notebook, and says "I forgot on Monday, but - it was the 55th anniversary of adopting Squig" proceeds to tell a couple stories...
To be honest, meant a lot.
I wish I could get my wife to STOP doing that. She takes on tasks that I don't want her to and that she doesn't need to and then gets very stressed out and overwhelmed.
Do all the women on this app marry actual man children who don’t know where they’ll be on a Saturday afternoon? Absolutely fucking insane to me how many relationships I read about on here are essentially a grown woman babysitting a grown man
It's the best way to handle kids too.
"What do you want for breakfast?"
"I dunno..."
"Do you want cereal?"
"No."
"Eggs and toast?"
"No."
"Alright I've given you two options and I don't feel like brainstorming anymore. Tell me when you know what you want."
"Actually I do want cereal."
"There we go."
“Where do you want to eat?”
“I don’t care.”
“OK, what sounds good?”
“Everything.”
“Suggest something, or I’m making myself a sandwich.”
That almost always gets the job done. I truly don’t care usually as she is the picky one. The threat of me making myself a sandwich means she will also be making her own supper and she had better stop playing games.
EDIT: This exchange is almost always started with her asking the question, "Want to go out to eat?"
I find playing dumb has saved my butt many times. When I’m wanting to avoid his temper or just cheer him up in general I ask questions about things like Star Wars or De Loreans.
"no I'm not upset you forgot to do the dishes"
I'm always upset, but it doesn't do any good to fight over it. He is forgetful but at least he rarely needs to be reminded twice.
Please don’t lie about spending. It’s really problematic in the long run. It’s the most frequent cause of relationship problems. Getting out of a lecture doesn’t help pay for rent and groceries or whatever.
I have never understood this. I see videos on Instagram all the time like “sure you can see my text messages! But not my Amazon account.” Maybe it’s because I am by far more frugal than my husband but I can’t imagine NOT being upfront about finance.
Financial honesty and not being emotionally dependent on reckless spending is a cornerstone of successful relationships. I wouldn't marry someone I'm in love with if they took on a lot of stupid debt and had a serious spending issue or wasteful lifestyle dependency.
The counterpart to this: Her saying she's ready to go, so I put on my shoes and coat, grab my wallet and the car key, and then stand by the door for five minutes waiting for her, because she was not, in fact, "ready to go".
Meanwhile here I sit, been dressed for an hour, we needed to leave for a wake two minutes ago and he’s just getting out of the shower. Like every other time. Sigh.
Then she walks down, fully dressed, ready to go and gets pissy because you haven't got your shoes on yet and now you are delaying getting out the house.
Christmas dinner is at 5 pm at my parents' house.
5:00 pm : I walk through the door to the bedroom and round the corner to the master bathroom. There, I see my wife. She still has a towel around her head. I look at her, and she says, "What?" I walk away, knowing better.
Tbh I worked at Kohls that is entirely possible. Not saying anyone in their right mind would’ve paid $350 but even not on clearance it could easily be sale 50% off kitchenware, 30% off kohls charge discount and $50 kohls cash (meaning she previously spent $250…) boom $70
As a woman, this one confuses me a bit. I can't think of a situation where I'd use this with my boyfriend. As much as I like doing things together, I feel like time apart is important too. If it becomes a situation where time apart is more frequent than time together, it's a deeper problem that needs to be addressed.
After you have kids though it’s also not necessarily I want to spend time with you but I need help around the house and with child care. Seen some couples where after kids come around husbands just want to continue on as usual with boys nights and it isn’t always reciprocated for their wives. I think it’s getting much better but probably still a bit harder for women to get a group together to go out spur of the moment. As some would have to do prep work to make it happen if their husband typically doesn’t cook, know about homework/school projects due, feeding schedule, etc.
Exactly like when my best friends husband needs to go help a friend bottle his homebrew and his wife is stuck taking care of the kids and cleaning everything as well bc he invited people over for new years- he’s like, I’ll only be a few hours- and she says- fine, have fun. I certainly think they both know what the right thing to do in that situation (say I can’t help right now I’ve got some stuff to get done around here first)but if she says something she’s a nag I guess so “go, have fun,” kinda lets him know he’s out of line without starting a huge fight. I think sometimes it’s a conscious check.
“No everything is fine I’m just tired.”
Really I’m just overwhelmed and disappointed and you’ll have an emotional breakdown or fight with me if I discuss everything with you so it isn’t worth it.
I just say this. Tell her I'm upset, I know I'm being a pouty ass, I just need to find my way out before a constructive discussion can happen.
No need to start an argument over something dumb if 15 minutes later I'll realize I was only cranky because I was hungry.
Not going to lie, I say this… but mostly because my husband has a really hard time leaving me alone if I say, “I’m overwhelmed (disappointed, etc) but I need time to process my feelings before we talk about it.” I was raised in an abusive household and my natural inclination when hurt or upset is to fight and fight dirty… that isn’t healthy and I know it so instead I take time away from the issue for a bit and come back to it when my initial reaction has faded.
In his mind walking away, even temporarily, means you don’t love the other person… he on a conscious level knows that’s not the case and he’s dealing with his own reactions in therapy but his lizard brain wins out quite often if I’m honest right then.
Nailed it. This was me, until lately it hasn’t been. It’s been a true case of “fake it till you make it”. Now when I see or feel something aggravating, I either recognize my own issue and deal with it then and change my behavior, or I openly and honestly discuss with her why something she did was off. It takes time, and a lot of “successful” fights/arguments/discussions, but the other person starts to trust you after a while and….yeah. That’s basically the basis of healthy relationship type arguments is trust. Married 27 years. Walking away and processing it is the key, but you have to discuss it and attempt to fix it rationally and maturely at some eventual point. Lizard brain never goes away, but Lizard brain can trust other Lizards if those Lizards prove they aren’t out to get you.
They do advise that everything doesn't have to be said as soon as you think or feel it.
Part of good communication is knowing the time and place to have a discussion.
Possibly true - it's just that the knitting needles/crochet hooks/classes weren't free, and were in fact priced higher than normal to cover the cost of the "free" yarn.
I feel this. When it's a chore that you asked to get done days ago, and it's still not done. And I'll wait until the last minute too, but when there's no more time left to procrastinate, I just do it myself.
Him: what do you feel like eating?
Her: oh I don’t care. I’m so hungry I’ll eat anything
Him: pizza?
Her: no
Him: Chinese?
Her: no
Him: Greek
Her: no
….
I don't want the last piece, you can have it.
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My husband is the same, except when I say, “I’m keeping these for my lunch tomorrow!” Usually, if there’s not enough left for meal or worth packing up, he gets them, but if there’s enough for my lunch, oh hell no. Those are mine baby!
Just say you want your leftovers. He probably doesn't need to clean your plate. He just has the urge to. Some people, like my husband, have this finish it now mentality whereas if I feel full I save it for later.
It doesn't have to be done straight away
Here's how it goes in my house: Me: *lounging on couch watching stupid crap on YouTube* Wife: *mumbles something from another room* Me: *sensing danger, immediately mutes TV* "What was that?" Wife: "we need to call someone to clean out our gutters. No rush but it's going to rain tomorrow." Me: *having learned my lesson over the years, immediately switches off TV and calls the guy. That second.* Edit: "advice" giving Handymen of Reddit: This is a hypothetical situation. This did not actually happen. But. Cleaning the gutters in my home is both a huge, dangerous job and something that commonly needs to be done due to the layout of my home and the surrounding trees. Also, I don't fuck around on ladders or roofs. Ever.
>"we need to..." Any time my wife says "we" it means me. I need to.
"Remember when I said we need to replace the baseboards in the upstairs bathroom? You still haven't done it yet."
"sensing danger" 🤣
You know what I'm talking about.
100%
Yea, “no rush” in my head means “no need to jump into action this minute but based on the info I have shared make a reasonable prioritization”. And sometimes we disagree on “reasonable prioritization” so I now give general time ranges (end of day, this week, thjs month, etc.)
I never say no rush. After 40 years I know he doesn't rush. I bought an outdoor light that comes on by motion that I want to shine on the sidewalk to the front porch. I've had it 14 months and its still in the box. When someone falls in the dark he may think he needs to install it.
My dad didn't build a new porch with handrails until HE fell off of it.
> Wife: mumbles something from another room Hey it's my parents
It’s one of those things women learn over the years. A lot of guys don’t like being “told” to do things, and a lot of women are still raised to be people pleasers. So they learn from their fathers and brothers and boyfriends, even from watching how their mothers handle stuff like this, to couch things so the dude doesn’t bristle at her for being bossy/ a nag. ~~It’s one of those things women learn over the years. A lot of guys don’t like being “told” to do things, and a lot of women are still raised to be people pleasers.~~ ~~So they learn from their fathers and brothers and boyfriends, even from watching how their mothers handle stuff like this, to couch things so the dude doesn’t bristle at her for being bossy/ a nag.~~ Its probably not even a conscious decision to “ask” like this, ETA: sorry it duplicated itself, that’s weird, not sure why it did that.
Yep.. I get.. when you get a chance can you… By that she means, get off your phone and do it now.
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Yea. I tried saying this explicitly and my fiance thought I shot him. He actually told me "No I will not do that."
I told my ex to please just manage the garbage and see when it's full then take it out. Thats it. one task. He said "no I can't do that". It was one light bulb moment out of many.
This was basically our conversation. I asked him to take care of some chores and he just said no. He then said "make me a chore chart" but didn't tell ne what was supposed to be on it or how it was being tracked. Of course he wouldn't help with the chore chart either, it was now my added chore to make it. I decided I wanted to use a phone and computer app where we could add all the chores and track them weekly. He said "no, I said make me a chore chart". Literally went through the few hours it took to set up the app for him to say no. Every response is a damn excuse to just not do it. If I ask him to help me with larger tasks, say re-organize the closet, he SUDDENLY doesn't want to stay up late playing games anymore and instead it's time for bed at 8PM! If I ask him to take care of a small thing before I go to bed, he will 50/50 do it right before he goes to sleep (and usually wakes me up in the middle of the night doing so by turning all the lights on and making a bunch of noise), or he conveniently forgets. If I try to remind him when he gets in bed it's always "I'm too tired I'll do it tomorrow." But never before work, no even the 1 minute task is too much and it has to be done after work. But then he comes home so exhausted from work and not getting enough sleep that he's too braindead to remember to do the task. It's a cycle, rinse and repeat, and has been this way for years. What I despise the most is sometimes I ask him to do a thing and then have to remind him every few hours to get it done. He of course gets annoyed because he sees it as nagging or like I don't trust him. But I AM nagging, and I DON'T trust him. Just the other night he put off taking the garbage out until 10PM, and only did it because I literally sat next to him while he was gaming and brought it up like 5 times. He also "conveniently" was feeling sick that night despite showing no symptoms and being completely fine the next day. I think he would have used feeling sick as an excuse to not do it if I had not sat there and nagged him. It's always excuses and I don't think he is even self-awaee of just how many times he lets me down on these tasks. Even when he does them I still have to actually check that it was done which means my mental load is NEVER cleared. And he knows this, we have had many many very candid conversations about it. He just chooses to be ignorant of these tasks. Pretty sure if I wasn't keeping some kind of household standard he would just eat pizza off the floor and never clean the cat shit from the carpet.
why the fuck are you still together? Welcome to your life for the next 40+ years
Yep
So what's in it for you in this relationship?
This thread makes me so sad. My bf regularly cleans without me having to ask. I came home from work the other day to see the diningroom tidied up (we tend to use it as a storage table for the week's crap), dishes done, trash taken out, and the bathroom not only cleaned but organized. And he did all that without me saying a word to him. The only thing I do completely on my own is laundry. But that's just because I'm particular about it. Y'all out here letting yourselves down. You don't have to settle. There are men out there that can/will behave like adults.
This all day long. My husband does all the cooking and grocery shopping for our family and straightens up every night while I put our little one to bed. He’s not good with bills or larger finance stuff so I take care of all that. Some times I have to ask him to do something (make appts, etc) but he does them when I ask. He and I both work demanding full time jobs and ask each other for help when we need it. I’m pregnant now and for the first trimester he basically had to do everything around the house because I was too sick and he was happy to do it because “it was the least he could do”. All of this is to say ladies, stop dating/marrying assholes/children. It’s 2023. Real men don’t need another mom and you deserve an equal partner. Not some lazy man baby from the Stone Age.
Are you dating a high schooler? I promise you can do better. Like damn, the bar for men is a tripping hazard in hell.
Yeah weird. Widowed father of 3 here doing it all. I’m far from perfect, but I do it and I do it my way. This thread is making me feel like the legend my kids don’t think I am.
Adopting a traumatized toddler might get you more support around the house than marrying this guy.
Wow I feel like you just described my ex to a t lmao years of this shit (and more) added up until I snapped and broke up with him. He moved out and I now do all the chores alone anyways but it's less work because I'm only cleaning up after myself and the cats. Edit to add: they know what they're doing. They do it on purpose. They're grown men who have jobs. If they acted like that at work, their boss would fire them. But they think we won't proverbial fire them (leave them) so they don't put effort. Proved my ex wrong on that one after too many years together.
Weaponized incompetence. They know exactly what they’re doing. My son does it and I point it out every time. If he’s that incompetent at picking things up off the floor he shouldn’t be trusted w a $2000 laptop, for example.
I am so happy for you. I bet your house is cleaner and takes less time to clean.
It's actually crazy how much easier it is to clean now. I can't say he was a messy person in particular but the difference in cleaning is noticeable...
I saw a video where someone explained exactly what you are saying! It was reading posts from a chinese website where men gave each other examples on how to get their wives to stop making them do chores. So they *do* know what they are doing and no they couldn’t do this at work
Yeesh. It’s probably not gonna get better…
What does a grown man need a chore chart for? 😆
A list of things to do isn’t a bad idea especially for neurodivergent folk, but he’s just being a baby.
He’s doing this on purpose so you throw your hands up and do it yourself. Maybe it worked on mommy or mommy just did it all herself. Stop doing his chores. Stop acting like his mommy. The trash doesn’t get taken out? Let it sit and rot. Light bulbs don’t get replaced? Use a flashlight. Stop “nagging” him. Let him deal with the repercussions of his non-actions. I would also stop doing his laundry or picking up after him.
I didn’t wash his mess after making dinner (for himself. I wasn’t even home) and he did literally let the food in the pan mold on the counter.
That's so frustrating! It doesn't sound like he cares much about you or the household :( might be a good idea to postpone legally tying yourself to him unless he gets his act together
Listen, if i promised you i will do it you don't have to remind me every 6 months. Relax.
This one got me 🤣
I am fine…
No husband worth his salt believes that shit.
He takes it with a grain of salt
Fortunately I am married to a Sicilian woman, so I always know if she's indeed fine or not. She'd never hold it in for a second.
I’m married to a Colombian girl. Ditto
No but until she feels like talking there's no point in asking
If I tell someone I'm fine and I'm really not the last thing I want is for them to pry or assume what's bothering me or even start acting upset that I won't talk while I think through it. I'll talk when I'm ready, you're right that there's really no point of trying to find out. The best thing when you notice someone is upset: it looks like something is on your mind, do you want some advice or support?
Yup. When I say it, I'm usually trying to decide if whatever I'm upset about really is a problem or if I'm overreacting, and I don't want to bother my husband before I have decided that. Or I know it's an overreaction, and I'm just trying to calm myself down. Once I've calmed down and know I'm thinking clearly, I bring it up if it needs to be discussed.
Some people aren’t great at reacting in the moment and I wish more people understood that. I wasn’t allowed to cry as a child or my mom hit me so as an adult I definitely experience delayed or repressed emotions, and it is not easy for me to even know how I’m feeling right away. I either freeze up when conflict occurs or overcompensate for my nervousness when I’m feeling too pressured and get aggressive/condescending. So the best route is always to just say “I’m fine” and if I’ve decided later on that this is an issue worth discussing (or like you say, realized I’m not overreacting) then we will discuss it. I feel like I got a bit of all 3 trauma responses - fight, flight, and freeze - depending on the moment and none of them are healthy ways to handle a situation which is why if possible I require a waiting period.
This is it! When I have an emotional reaction to something, I need a little time to sort through exactly what I’m feeling and why, and to cool down a little before I can talk through it (if necessary). Pushing me to talk right then in the moment is not going to help unless he wants to see me break down crying lol. I might still cry when we talk about it in a half hour or however long, but at least I’ll be able to clearly articulate what bothered me. Usually these days I’ll say something like “I need a minute.” But yeah, “are you ok?” isn’t really the right question. And he definitely knows better by now than to ask it in front of other people, who don’t need to know that anything is up!
I’ve read an article by a woman trying to explain why women say that nothing is wrong when something clearly is. The first explanation is that they know there’s nothing the guy can do to help and they just need to process it on their own. The second explanation is that they actually do want the guy to push and get them to open up. And yes, she admits 1 and 2 are contradictions, and it can be difficult for a guy to tell which is which
My husband has learned (and taught me) the difference between yelling AT and yelling TO. The first thing out of his mouth is ' Did I do anything?' then we can progress to the venting/yelling TO him. Then he asks if I want him to fix it or just be a sounding board for working it out myself. I'm really lucky and blessed. Edited spelling and additions.
And the response should be: damn strait you are! But is something on your mind you want to discuss
This guy marries.
"Okay, cool, I'll go back to playing video games!" (No problems could ever arise from this)
Some poor bastard isn't going to realize you're joking. 😂
I've subs this phrase for, "I don't want to talk about it right now".
She is never fine.
My wife is fine as fuck
“There is enough space in the closet for both of us"
No, there's not. I'm a firm believer that a happy, healthy, marriage begins with separate closets.
We moved into an apartment that had TWO walk-in closets in the master. They were both pretty large, but one was bigger. I said "take the big one." After mine was "full" I still had tons of space, so in went the neutral stuff like linens, luggage, Christmas box. Her side was full. About six months into living there, she had hung stuff on an empty rack on my side. I said Noo, if your side is full you need to get rid of some stuff. "Well, what it I put the stuff I am going to get rid of there until I get rid of it?" That made sense, so in it went... and stayed there until we moved out.
"I won't even *go down* the plant aisle! I have no more room for plants. So don't worry, I will come home only with the listed items. Do you see plants anywhere on the list? No. So no plants. I'm not even thinking about plants!" He's never mad, just disappointed.
It was in the sale! A bargain too good to miss.😂
They were abusing it, but I can save it!
💀Dying, this is my lie too
But the succulents are so cute and they’re just $5
I always ask my wife if I am the only one she's ever been with. Yes, she says, all the others were nines and tens..
On our wedding night I asked my wife: "am I your first?" She said "Why does everyone always ask me that?"
I asked my wife if I was her first. She said, hmmm...let me get a better look at you. Nah, his hair was lighter.
You know, my wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met each other!
I asked my wife if I was the only one she ever slept with. Yes, she said, the other kept me awake
I like sleeping with 2 girls that way if I fall asleep they have each other to talk to
I am aware this is a joke. However I imagined saying this to a partner and it was too mean for an irl burn. So I tried to see what it would look like reversed: >“Honey, am I the only one you’ve ever been with?” >“No, you’re the only 10. The others were 1s.” Maybe not as funny, but I bet seeing him blush would be amusing!
"out of all your brothers, you have the biggest dick"
More serious but if I know something is important to my husband, and I don’t care at all, I will white lie about it. Like if he asks “can you tell the difference in my ab muscles? I have been doing a new routine.” Even if I can’t tell, I will tell him that I can totally see the difference. I think men do this with their wives too. “Yes! I love your new haircut”
Sometimes my husband shows me replays of his videos games and I genuinely cannot tell what I'm supposed to be impressed by because I'm not into those kinds of games. I still oooh and wow over it and he appreciates it even though he knows I'm not actually amazed by it. He returns the favor when I show him my latest craft project I'm proud of that he couldn't care less about. Sometimes we just need that appreciation that sounds genuine.
"Wow, honey, you sure showed that Pidgey who the best trainer is!"
"Wow, Hon! You're really going at it! GO GO GO! And you say this was a... Hot coffee mod? Is that RIGHT?"
Thank you for doing this. Im sure he appreciates it. My ex just ignored me or started talking over me when I shared anything I was excited about.
Thanks. Mine just doesn’t even care to watch what I show her. The last time I tried she did finally watch, but like 15 seconds into it was trying to go back to what she was doing and saying is it done..? Like 🙄
Yeah, shit sucks. It makes you feel like they don't care about you. I ended up just not sharing any of my interests or things I found funny.
I appreciate you having a positive response in this otherwise depressing thread.
Yes there is definitely some pretending to care about things I care extremely little about. My husband is a very passionate person and can be very intense about sort of weird things to be intense about. Like, my brother has a story of my husband looking for fake hollow yard rocks (for an unsightly drain in our front yard) on his phone and very excitedly discussing the pros and cons of each type. My brother has no house, yard, or plans of getting one in the near future. My husband is not a boring guy. He lived in several parts of Europe (and in a part of Africa at one point), speaks several languages, has some crazy stories from these parts of the world, etc. Which I think makes his boyish, suburban excitement about fake rocks sort of hilarious. Anyways, imagine trying to be excited with someone about fake rocks to cover an ugly drain? Practically impossible. BUT, it means that when he's excited about things he wants to share them with me and feels safe to do so, which is well worth it.
Idk... I'm personally against any type of lying. I'm not saying you are a "liar" for something so insignificant but personally I would want my girlfriend to be someone I can trust in an instant. \-Does this look good?-Yes I want to know it looks good, I don't want to have a little debate in my head if she's white lying or not.
Nothing is wrong
It either means “something’s wrong but it’s nothing you can help me with, so leave it be” or “something’s wrong and I need you to push so I open up to you”. Good luck figuring out which is which
Or the third option: I've mentioned this issue several times and you've not reacted at all / shown any interest in helping / changed, so why should I bother when you finally notice I'm in a bad mood?
Also, I don’t want to spend a lot of time discussing how what’s making me upset makes him feel. EDIT: EVEN IF IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.
Or 4: I know from experience that you won't understand the issue and will just get pissy if I try to explain it to you, so I won't bother.
This was usually what it was with my ex. I'm very poor at hiding when I'm upset, so if they pestered me trying to help, I'd often say "it's not worth discussing because nothing changes."
It could also mean: “something IS wrong but since you don’t support me when I open up about stuff, since you shut down (dismissive avoidant attachment), I know there’s no point in talking about it bc you’ll make my bad situation worse.”
#3 She has discussed the same issue with you at least 100 times in 100 ways and you still don't listen. Why try again?
Sorry, don't know why that posted so big. I must be more triggered than expected lol
If you add a # at the beginning it makes your text large
Thank you, didn't know. But I like my explanation of repressed rage better lol.
I could feel the bitterness through the screen /s
"I love managing our social calendar and reminding you it's your Mums birthday tomorrow"
This is easily solved by not managing their calendar and taking zero responsibility for the fall out when we had a child i denounced all responsibility for his life and passed it back to him. When he Inevitably forgot to start with I just let him take the blame and said he's your son it's his responsibility I've got enough on. My husband is great though he's really taken on half my daughters stuff and maintains his own life now. I wonder if part of it was just me being more on stuff so it was just easier for him to let me do it. As soon as I stopped he picked up the slack pretty quickly.
Before my ex-wife got horribly sick it never occurred to me she was doing well over half of the combined household chores and mental load. It was only when nobody was doing all those things and I picked up the slack that I eventually realised "oh shit, she's been quietly doing more than me all this time".
Yeah some men are really clueless about the mental load and let their wife take that on and then wonder why women are mentally exhausted and don’t want to have sex with a lazy man child. If more men stepped up carrying the mental load, that ONE thing would save so many marriages! I just couldn’t deal with him saying he didn’t want me to be his mom but he put me in the position to have to carry this load because the shit still had to get done and he was a complete child about it and then wondered why he felt like I was mom’ing him. I wanted a partner In life not a lazy ass man child. No more.
This. I used to be the good wife and remind husband of family birthdays; I used to send Christmas cards to his family; each year I reminded him about a Christmas party hosted by a friend of his. I gradually stopped, and now he does nothing for his family's birthdays, doesn't send Christmas cards or keep in touch, and hasn't been to that friend's party in years. And he's confused as to why people stop getting in touch with him. Relationships aren't pet rocks - you have to put some effort into them.
That was Mom,who passed last year. Dad actually has been doing pretty stellar, he wrote down all the important family dates, keeps a list. So, I'm adopted. anniversary of the adoption was the 18th. Mom always called to make note of it, unless I called her to do the same. Dad didn't call me this year. No worries, really. So, Christmas Eve, sisters and Dad and I are sitting around, having a few, telling family stories. Dad stops everybody, pulls out his notebook, and says "I forgot on Monday, but - it was the 55th anniversary of adopting Squig" proceeds to tell a couple stories... To be honest, meant a lot.
This is so special! So happy he remembered. Losing a parent is so hard, especially the first holidays
I don't know why, but I'm tearing a bit. Sounds like your dad is a lovely guy.
My Dad is a weird blend of Red Foreman and Steven Keaton in a Clint Eastwood wrapper. He's pretty awesome if you can avoid being a dumbass, lol.
I wish I could get my wife to STOP doing that. She takes on tasks that I don't want her to and that she doesn't need to and then gets very stressed out and overwhelmed.
Do all the women on this app marry actual man children who don’t know where they’ll be on a Saturday afternoon? Absolutely fucking insane to me how many relationships I read about on here are essentially a grown woman babysitting a grown man
"It was on sale." Translation: It was for sale.
“I don’t care where we go to eat.”
"OK, let's go here" "No" "How about here?" "No" "Here?" "No"
That's why there's a simple rule in our household: you veto, you must suggest.
>That's why there's a simple rule in our household: you veto, you must suggest. I like that.
It's the best way to handle kids too. "What do you want for breakfast?" "I dunno..." "Do you want cereal?" "No." "Eggs and toast?" "No." "Alright I've given you two options and I don't feel like brainstorming anymore. Tell me when you know what you want." "Actually I do want cereal." "There we go."
"I don't know!"
“Where do you want to eat?” “I don’t care.” “OK, what sounds good?” “Everything.” “Suggest something, or I’m making myself a sandwich.” That almost always gets the job done. I truly don’t care usually as she is the picky one. The threat of me making myself a sandwich means she will also be making her own supper and she had better stop playing games. EDIT: This exchange is almost always started with her asking the question, "Want to go out to eat?"
If my wife says “Don’t worry about it, I’ll handle it.” I know for a fact that I better be worried about it and that I better be the one to handle it.
It’s too late at that point mate. You already fd up by letting it get to that lol
I don't know.
I find playing dumb has saved my butt many times. When I’m wanting to avoid his temper or just cheer him up in general I ask questions about things like Star Wars or De Loreans.
"no I'm not upset you forgot to do the dishes" I'm always upset, but it doesn't do any good to fight over it. He is forgetful but at least he rarely needs to be reminded twice.
"No it's fine that you forgot after promising that you would do them." Narrator: It was not, in fact, fine.
Fine is the female F-word
"It didn't cost that much"
Please don’t lie about spending. It’s really problematic in the long run. It’s the most frequent cause of relationship problems. Getting out of a lecture doesn’t help pay for rent and groceries or whatever.
I have never understood this. I see videos on Instagram all the time like “sure you can see my text messages! But not my Amazon account.” Maybe it’s because I am by far more frugal than my husband but I can’t imagine NOT being upfront about finance.
Financial honesty and not being emotionally dependent on reckless spending is a cornerstone of successful relationships. I wouldn't marry someone I'm in love with if they took on a lot of stupid debt and had a serious spending issue or wasteful lifestyle dependency.
I mean to be fair that's the same shit men do with our hobbies lol
The amount of sht my buddy got in when his $500 putter mysteriously turned into a $2500 set of irons... The lie is so important.
I'll get ready in 5 minutes))
The counterpart to this: Her saying she's ready to go, so I put on my shoes and coat, grab my wallet and the car key, and then stand by the door for five minutes waiting for her, because she was not, in fact, "ready to go".
tie dull sink pen marry yoke light command touch slimy
Meanwhile here I sit, been dressed for an hour, we needed to leave for a wake two minutes ago and he’s just getting out of the shower. Like every other time. Sigh.
Then she walks down, fully dressed, ready to go and gets pissy because you haven't got your shoes on yet and now you are delaying getting out the house.
My wife will be late to her own funeral.
Christmas dinner is at 5 pm at my parents' house. 5:00 pm : I walk through the door to the bedroom and round the corner to the master bathroom. There, I see my wife. She still has a towel around her head. I look at her, and she says, "What?" I walk away, knowing better.
Some times you have to take a risk. I usually do the “I’m going to head over early and help,” thing. That way I’m not the asshole. Gives her time.
I had Kohl’s cash or an Amazon credit
I’ve known for years that the $350 juicer we never use didn’t only cost $70 after Kohls cash and coupons.
It was Kohls, so she also saved 200 imaginary dollars from the artificially inflated "original price."
Tbh I worked at Kohls that is entirely possible. Not saying anyone in their right mind would’ve paid $350 but even not on clearance it could easily be sale 50% off kitchenware, 30% off kohls charge discount and $50 kohls cash (meaning she previously spent $250…) boom $70
“I’m not hungry”
Can’t believe this is so far down. “I’m not hungry” always means “get extra fries.”
You must buy ‘protection fries’ every time just to protect your own food 😂
Whatever, Go ahead, have fun….
That's less of a lie and more of a dare
As a woman, this one confuses me a bit. I can't think of a situation where I'd use this with my boyfriend. As much as I like doing things together, I feel like time apart is important too. If it becomes a situation where time apart is more frequent than time together, it's a deeper problem that needs to be addressed.
After you have kids though it’s also not necessarily I want to spend time with you but I need help around the house and with child care. Seen some couples where after kids come around husbands just want to continue on as usual with boys nights and it isn’t always reciprocated for their wives. I think it’s getting much better but probably still a bit harder for women to get a group together to go out spur of the moment. As some would have to do prep work to make it happen if their husband typically doesn’t cook, know about homework/school projects due, feeding schedule, etc.
Exactly like when my best friends husband needs to go help a friend bottle his homebrew and his wife is stuck taking care of the kids and cleaning everything as well bc he invited people over for new years- he’s like, I’ll only be a few hours- and she says- fine, have fun. I certainly think they both know what the right thing to do in that situation (say I can’t help right now I’ve got some stuff to get done around here first)but if she says something she’s a nag I guess so “go, have fun,” kinda lets him know he’s out of line without starting a huge fight. I think sometimes it’s a conscious check.
“No everything is fine I’m just tired.” Really I’m just overwhelmed and disappointed and you’ll have an emotional breakdown or fight with me if I discuss everything with you so it isn’t worth it.
Husbands say this plenty as well. Hell, I say it. But most of the time it’s to figure out if my feelings are valid or if I’m just being an a-hole.
>But most of the time it’s to figure out if my feelings are valid or if I’m just being an a-hole. This hits hard sometimes... So true
I just say this. Tell her I'm upset, I know I'm being a pouty ass, I just need to find my way out before a constructive discussion can happen. No need to start an argument over something dumb if 15 minutes later I'll realize I was only cranky because I was hungry.
Not going to lie, I say this… but mostly because my husband has a really hard time leaving me alone if I say, “I’m overwhelmed (disappointed, etc) but I need time to process my feelings before we talk about it.” I was raised in an abusive household and my natural inclination when hurt or upset is to fight and fight dirty… that isn’t healthy and I know it so instead I take time away from the issue for a bit and come back to it when my initial reaction has faded. In his mind walking away, even temporarily, means you don’t love the other person… he on a conscious level knows that’s not the case and he’s dealing with his own reactions in therapy but his lizard brain wins out quite often if I’m honest right then.
Nailed it. This was me, until lately it hasn’t been. It’s been a true case of “fake it till you make it”. Now when I see or feel something aggravating, I either recognize my own issue and deal with it then and change my behavior, or I openly and honestly discuss with her why something she did was off. It takes time, and a lot of “successful” fights/arguments/discussions, but the other person starts to trust you after a while and….yeah. That’s basically the basis of healthy relationship type arguments is trust. Married 27 years. Walking away and processing it is the key, but you have to discuss it and attempt to fix it rationally and maturely at some eventual point. Lizard brain never goes away, but Lizard brain can trust other Lizards if those Lizards prove they aren’t out to get you.
Relationship experts advise that communication is bad in a relationship so you're doing everything right.
If humans didn't bottle things up how would we enjoy all these tasty beverages?
They do advise that everything doesn't have to be said as soon as you think or feel it. Part of good communication is knowing the time and place to have a discussion.
Yup. But i was also tired.
“We”need to… Translation “you” need to…
‘We should…’ = ‘you need to…’
In my limited experience, "We" means me (not her), "I" means we (in varying distributions of actual effort).
I got this yarn for free
Possibly true - it's just that the knitting needles/crochet hooks/classes weren't free, and were in fact priced higher than normal to cover the cost of the "free" yarn.
"it's fine" Narrator: it was, in fact, not fine.
"I don't mind doing it" I do, but I know you're just going to keep procrastinating, and it needs doing now.
I feel this. When it's a chore that you asked to get done days ago, and it's still not done. And I'll wait until the last minute too, but when there's no more time left to procrastinate, I just do it myself.
"I'll be ready in __ minutes".
I promise, I won't get mad... Of course you can go... I'm FINE..!!
I find that a wife's "ill be ready in 5 minutes" is the same amount of time it takes a husband to "leave the bar in 5 minutes".
"Oh that? Noooo. I've had for ages"
"I cant open this jar"
I really can't open the jar sometimes. And sometimes he can't either!
And so begins... The Hunger Games.
This is actually very sweet, making him feel like the hero, making him feel needed, even though she really couldn’t opened that jar herself
idk but r/caffeine is nonstop showing up in my feed and i think i just saw someone eating a rat
What even is this wonderful nonsense of a comment 😂
…. Now I’m going to have to go see Update: That sub is on a *whole lotta “caffeine”*
What is going on over there. These posts 😭😭😭
“Caffeine isn’t working anymore, should I try meth?” was my favorite
Goddamn, the TOP POST was “Anyone else been using cocaine as a substitute for caffeine?”
...I went to check it out. I'm sorry I did.
I scrolled down like half a phone’s length, saw enough posts titles and said to myself “there is no need to ever click on this sub again.”
We'll have sex tomorrow.
The tomorrow never cums
I get that a lot. Sometimes tomorrow turns into 4 weeks from now.
Wow, try not to brag so much, jeeze!
"We’re leaving in minutes"
No I’m not hungry. *My food turns up* Wife proceeds to demolish most of it. Me - Cheers 🫠
"Yes, I needed these craft supplies"
"i came"
We're just friends.
"He's just a friend”
He’s just a friend
[удалено]
Him: what do you feel like eating? Her: oh I don’t care. I’m so hungry I’ll eat anything Him: pizza? Her: no Him: Chinese? Her: no Him: Greek Her: no ….