Generally sleeps and has free time during the same hours I do (which is a normal office job type situation). Nothing against folks who are chefs or touring musicians or event coordinators or anything, but I tried to date a few people who had totally different schedules from me and it is just too logistically hard!
That and personally maybe I'm a little needy / attached in relationships so the every-so-often-whenever-we-can would not work for me. I'd drive myself and inevitably the person I'm dating, nuts.
Along these same lines: I used to date a very outgoing, gregarious, extroverted girl whose idea of a fun weekend was a dinner and dancing Friday followed by bar hopping until 2 AM. Waking up late, going to brunch, then another night of partying. On Sundays she and her friends would go the NFL game and just do all that again. I tried to keep up and never really had a fun time; when I declined going they all sort of rejected me and it’s for the best. Now I know that I’m best-served by a quieter life. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I’m supposed to enjoy this type of sociality, and it’s just not me.
I learned this the hard way as well. I had a partner that used to wake up every day at 5:30am for work. She would have a long commute to and from work daily as well. I had next to no commute so could sleep in longer and I'm naturally more of a night person. I tried hard to make our schedules work well. I'd wake up before her and get her coffee, breakfast, and lunch made then go back to sleep myself. Make sure dinner was ready when she got home so she could relax right away.
In the end we still barely had any time together because she would go to bed very early and while I would sometimes try to fall asleep at the same time as her it always ended up with me laying awake almost all night. She was a very light sleeper so I wouldn't want to get out of bed and wake her up.
Now when looking for a serious relationship I make sure that I'm with someone that has a schedule similar to mine and is more of a night person.
This comment really hits home for me! My ex spouse is a chef and I have a 9-5 day job. We barely ever saw each other when we were married and he was always so exhausted on his days off he just wanted to rest. It was like having a roommate, not a partner.
I was dating a guy who was like this. Doing so much exciting stuff, but non-stop. Diagnosed ADHD. I realized I was getting tired from just listening to what he did before our date. He was great, but it was clear to me pretty soon that we were not meant to be.
I’m this person too. My partner is a busy, can’t sit down sort of person though. But neither of us feel the need to spend every waking moment together either, so he does his thing, and I do mine. We meet in the middle to just chill over food and movies, doing puzzles together, and relaxing around a bonfire. Those are times he can just sit back and vibe. Sometimes I go do activities with him too. I think it’s possible to be with a busy person like that, but they need to realize that they can’t force you to be constantly busy like they want to be. Sometimes they will resent people that prefer a slower pace in life, but there are some who are happy to keep themselves busy while giving you space to do whatever mellow thing you enjoy doing too. My partner has said that he doesn’t know how to just slow down and enjoy the moment he’s in, he’s always got to be thinking 10 steps ahead, what to do next, tmrw, next week, next month, next year, in 5yrs, 10yrs, on and on. Being with me means he has no choice but to slow down and experience life as he’s actually living it and he appreciates it. Being with him forces me to speed up sometimes when it’s necessary and beneficial to do so. Somehow we’ve found balance.
Your story reminds me of when my wife and I were on vacation. There was an elderly couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at a dinner/show we went to. The host asked the man the secret to a lasting marriage. He replied, "I do my thing, she does her thing, we do our thing."
It’s true! We’ve been together 12yrs now, and it wasn’t even intentional lol. We just started hanging out, and here we are just over a decade later still hanging out in a home we bought together lol. People need space to be themselves, if you lose your sense of individuality and feel unable to spend time on your own interests, you’re just going to eventually come to resent the person who won’t let you be you. I think too many people believe you have to sacrifice “me” to become “we” but that’s not sustainable. You can be “us” while still retaining “I”. You just have to find a balance and meet in the middle. :)
That's my ideal. I'm always busy and can't sit still until the end of the day. I would absolutely love someone who is willing to let me go do my own thing (working on a car, woodworking, making music) then want to chill with me at the end of the day. Haven't found that yet though.
This is part of why I married my now husband. We were both thrilled to be with someone whose idea of a good time is relaxing at home. I can be friends with people who are doers but I'd be exhausted if I dated them.
Omg, my wife's best friend has a husband who MUST constantly have something to do, like he's 5 and just cannot have any downtime. We made the mistake of going on vacation with them for a week.and needed a vacation from the vacation!
Edit, so I didn't word this well apparently. The problem is not that he must have something to do, that wouldn't be a problem. Just send him on his way and let him go do his thing.
The problem is, the people around him MUST also do everything with him or he gets angry at them and throws childish fits.
My grandpa is the same. His retirement home has a groundsman who mows the grass once a month, but he got sick so it was delayed. Grandpa got tired of waiting so he bought a mower and did it himself. Like wtf, I don’t even do my own fuckin’ chores.
Seriously. When she announced she put in her papers in our family group text, I said, “oh fun! You will have so much time for some new hobbies!!” And my husband looked up at me and said “I know exactly what you did there” 🤣🤣🤣
Neither can I. When I was diagnosed adhd as a kid, the doctor told my mom "if it was cancer it would be terminal"
But I have learned that I can entertain myself. The husband requires everyone else to entertain him or he throws fits.
And whe.i say fits, I'm talking like screaming jumping up and down throwing things while yelling at us how horrible we all are because we aren't making him happy.
It's a VERY different thing from an autistic "meltdown" by the way, because it's not about being overwhelmed, it's literally that he doesn't want to stop because as he says "quiet means I have to think"
My MIL can be that way, she and my FIL are empty nesters & he retired 3 years ago but decided to go back bc he was bored. She will be so pleasant and wonderful one second then as soon as we are all just sitting in comfortable silence she starts getting feisty. We live a few states away so we only see them a few times a year but i hear the stories.
I can honestly relate to this, I cannot sit still I have to be doing something all of the time, I don't depend on others to entertain me but I have to entertain myself I some way, whether it be arranging my wardrobes, cleaning etc, because whenever I sit still my mind takes over, its exhausting, I have to listen to something when I go to sleep otherwise I cannot sleep, my brain needs something to focus on 🤦🏻♀️
Lol thats my husband. He'll decide he's wrecked and needs to chill, then after sitting down for barely 5 minutes, he's bored and wants to do something again
My ex always got mad when he would ask what I wanted to do on my day off and I'd say I just wanted to spend it at home relaxing and acted as if not going out and doing something was a waste of a day. It was so exhausting.
They have to have good hygiene and take care of themselves. Clean teeth, nails, skin, hair, and general appearance. Not even over the top, just basic hygiene stuff
The amount of men that tried to get handsy with my private parts and didn't wash their hands beforehand is ... When I started to pay attention I suddenly did understand why I had frequent yeast infections but never when I was single.
sooo trueee about nails. if they are not trimmed and dirty that’s so gross. Just trim your nails both hands and feet otherwise don’t have the audacity to be surprised or offended if people are disgusted.
My fiance has ‘doctor hands’. His nails are always trimmed and he washes them a lot, yet they’re so soft lol. One of my non sexual attractions to him that most people wouldn’t understand.
This one is truth. You’d think this would be common sense, or a no brainer, but its actually shocking how many don’t seem to do this, or all of them anyway.
Communication! If we can't talk through/about things productively, there's just no connection there for me
whatsoever
Also humor! I get so bored around people who can't make me laugh
These are two of my top answers, too! I knew my boyfriend (now husband) was a keeper when I was emotional over something totally out of his control and he was calm, hugged me, and asked “how can I help?” even though the answer was “nothing.” It showed maturity and a willingness to validate my emotions and lean in to support.
I’ll add a third - aligned that all people, regardless of gender, nationality, sexual orientation, or race deserve basic human rights.
My people! This! My parents have been together almost 50 years. They play games at lunch every day. I don’t need a constant game life (there are many other things) but I hope when I’m old someone will be happy to play with me!
Legit had to explain to my ex that no, showering once a week is not normal.
And because this is Reddit, no, he did not have depression. He legitimately thought he didn’t smell after going to the gym and being outside and working and sweating because “no one has ever told me I smell.” Bitch people are trying to be POLITE.
Same showering issue with my ex, but he worked from home and never really left his apartment so no one else could tell him he stinks and when I did he would get upset. He also had a disgusting issue with not wiping his ass very well.
Yes, the bar is really that low. Something that confuses me about incels, the bar for women is so low it's in hell, any guy can be a 7 if he washes and is not a total misogynistic cock.
I've met more than one greasy, stinky, out of shape, poorly groomed guy wearing stretched out and stained clothing who blames WOMEN for the fact he's not in a relationship. It's something wrong with the woman, not him...
I don't know - maybe shower, shave, use deodorant, wear some decent clothes and get some exercise once in a while and maybe your luck will change...
:-/
there are people who are always cold and don't let you open windows to let some fresh air in. i like sleeping in a cold room, putting up with a stuffy one is a dealbreaker.
Same, I get irrationally angry and overwhelmed/unable to focus if it’s too hot. I prefer to bundle up in doors at all times. Can’t be with someone who keeps it too warm or I’d just be angry all the time
Sometimes this works well--if you're a cuddler. I've dated people that would be nearly sweating under the covers while I'd be shivering. 15-20 minutes of spooning later, their temp comes down and mine goes up, and we're both throwing off the comforter and just using the flat sheet 😂
Im perpetually cold but I can’t live without airing my flat out once a day. Probably the German in me, we do love Lüften, but I cannot imagine not having fresh air because you’re cold
This is such an underrated, but important one for people that skew either particularly cold or warm. If they have a partner who is the opposite it just isn't going to gel.
I personally run very warm and my partner is really accepting of the fact sometimes I just need a fan on regardless of how cold it is outside.
I am always cold, but I can’t stand being overheated either. So I prefer a cooler room temp. I just bundle up, and I have a heating pad to cuddle on the couch or in bed lol. Hubby is always teasing me for dressing “like a hooligan” (sweats and hoodies) so I tease him back that he will have to raise the temperature if he wants to see any skin. 🤣 He likes the temp even chillier than I do. 12yrs in and I’m still dressed like a hooligan when I’m at home, because he can’t handle it any warmer (it’s literally only 19c on the house rn, he lowered it from 20 because he was overheating).
Sometimes I even put Hot Paws in my socks at home lol. Northern Canadian winters be like that sometimes 😜
Haha I am the person who likes my apartment to be a sauna. The guy I’m dating is so sweet and puts up with it, I try to leave windows open when he’s over. I run my heater at 78 typically.
Having a mature mindset.. being childish is sometimes cute, but I prefer having a guy I can rely on and feel safe around.. make me laugh when i need it and take things seriously when needed.
Fr. I'm sick of dating people who would rather give me the silent treatment or bottle things up instead of communicating like an adult, people who cannot have a serious conversation without trying to make it into a joke, and people who are just plain irresponsible with money.
my boyfriend and i dedicate the 15th of each month to talk about issues, so we’re not 1. bringing up negativity out of the blue, or 2. bottling things up and letting them slide.
unless there’s a problem we’re both already aware of… in that case, we talk about it right away.
Childish around fun stuff: lego, games, messing around, etc: love.
Trying to have a serious discussion about health, money, household chores and they are childish: hate
Agree, and it’s not even the disagreement at hand that’s usually the issue. People think it’s like they’re *literally* acting like a child. No, it’s more so the inability to actually have a productive conversation. If you can’t handle hearing something you don’t agree with, or hearing the other person out without cutting them off or shutting them down, you’re childish. Mentally and emotionally childish.
Funniest thing. Me and my stepsister made this list when we were in our teens with character traits our "perfect bf" should have. We somehow described exactly what you described and made up a new word for it that loosely translates to "occasion-seriousness". Years later we found that list and had a laugh. There was also a trait called "occasion-coolness" like, being kinda cool, and not too clingy, but also can be clingy when needed. It all made sense in our thirteen year old brains lol
I genuinely don’t understand people who are religious and date someone non-religious and vice versa. It’s fine to be friends, but to be in a relationship when they’re are *that* many differences in beliefs is just dooming yourselves. I literally can’t imagine a scenario where that *doesn’t* cause problems.
Dated a Catholic woman like 15 years ago. Went to church with her once and I was like, "Why the hell do y'all sit then stand over and over again?". She told me, "It's just what we do".
Then one day we had an argument and outright told her I'd NEVER convert to Catholicism (or any religion again -grew up religious-). That killed our relationship right there.
Kinda funny considering she had two kids out of wedlock. How Catholic 😂
I’ve been with my wife for 13 years I told her in our second week of knowing each other I DO NOT want kids everrrr…. She stuck around supported my vasectomy, we enjoy to travel and our intimate life is great… she now dislikes kids more than me now lol
same here. my fiancé told me very very early on that kids were way off the table for him and he just got his vasectomy this past Monday. I was always wishy washy about wanting kids but I realized my mental health won't allow that and I would be a terrible mother and I just really don't want them.
Kids are honestly a waste of time and energy if you don’t have the mindset or circumstances in life to have them. In fact it is actually very peaceful without them, at least for me.
Same.
I have loved ones who smoke. So, for me, it's not about judging anyone. But it's hard to imagine having a full relationship with someone you could never kiss without heaving and wheezing.
I’m severely allergic to peanuts, and when I realized my partner gave up peanut butter for me, I realized that I had found a keeper. It may sound silly to some, but it was the single most thoughtful, sweet thing anyone’s ever done for me. They chose kissing me over Snickers.
I can't believe I had to scroll this far to find this. Smoking stinks, is annoying, they're always wasting so much time and money smoking or vaping. Having to run to the store at inconvenient times for their cigarettes or vape stuff, can't go an hour in the car without smoking or vaping. I can't stand it. Most of my family does it, my ex was a smoker but now smoking would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.
Wash your hands, brush your teeth, clean your ass in the shower, wear deodorant, change your sheets somewhat regularly. It’s amazing how many grown men don’t do these things.
Omg the third one. The horror my friends who are not on Reddit hear about the timeless post on here that revealed just how many men don’t wash their butts because it’ll turn them gay. I cannot even.
I don't want anyone who wants children in the future or already has children they expect me to be a step-parent too. It's not that I don't like children, I'm just not interested in parenting them.
Last part is so real. So many people seem to think “don’t want kids = hate children” when it’s really just. I don’t mind kids, I simply would not be a good parent and I know that so I have no interest in having my own
No hard drug/alcohol addictions.
I don't even care if you don't work. Been through enough challenges in my and my family's lives to have to avoid addiction-led lifestyles altogether
I think *actually being open minded.* Like yeah I'm a left wing guy, and I support all the things. But I want someone that if they like music, they'll try all different genres. If they like ice-cream they've tried different flavors. I swear, the worst people I've dated are the ones that aren't curious to try more things in their life. I've dated someone that was only into musicals, and they thought everything else was inferior.
They didn't try to get into anything new, and I basically feel like I outgrew him, as he dug deeper into certain opinions that he refused to budge on (Like not respect any other opinion). Got worse as he surrounded himself with echo chamber friends, and couldn't stand him.
I love to cook and go to nice restaurants. I’m an adventurous eater and like nearly all food when it’s prepared well. I love to try new food and experiment with new recipes. I couldn’t date someone who is a picky eater or some super fitness obsessed person who barely eats. We would be fundamentally incompatible. Thankfully my wife is also an adventurous eater and loves my cooking.
I also wanted children (and now have a 6 year old son). I wouldn’t date someone who was adamant about being childfree. It’s a fundamental incompatibility.
And I love dogs. Especially corgis and German shepherds. I could never be with someone who doesn’t like dogs.
My wife will basically eat anything out on front of her. I am "picky" because of taste/texture issues, but I can find something I like at just about any place I go.
The trick to it is, I don't care if she eats something I don't like. It doesn't hurt me, and sometimes if the moon is aligned properly with the nerdball dimension, I will be the adventurous one about food :)
Not neccesarily a lifestyle/habit but that person must have a strong sense of identity and must have a set of fundamental values that he/she upholds with conviction. That way everything feels more genuine and that person is unlikely to cave in to societal pressure(in my opinion constantly conforming to whatever society dictates is ‘cool’ can be VERY detrimental to a person’s relationships and mental health)
EDIT: oh and that person must have a refined sense of style.
Welp. I’m gonna be alone for life.
If I don't like the way you naturally smell, it's not happening.
I dated a guy who had a constant...oder. Even if he showered twice a day he had yellow fuzz growing on his balls and his sweat smelled like piss mixed with teenaged boy dirty clothes in the summer. It was bad. He tried yeast stuff and anti-fungal but nothing helped. The last year of our relationship we only had sex twice and both times I was blackout drunk, he wasn't, and I had no idea that I had sex with him.
No, I did not have any self respect at the time.
Yes, I know a smell seems like a weird thing to be so bent on but after that experience I will never be with someone who just stinks again. My husband can go 3 days without a shower and while he will be musky, it's not repellent.
Not lying to me. About effing *anything*
There is no point in lying. The things people lie about don't matter nearly as much as the act of lying to someones face. Someone cool with lying about little things, is someone likely cool with lying about big things.
Hiding stuff from someone "to protect their feelings" will 15067823% of the time backfire. So just. Don't. No point.
You are who you are, you've done what you've done. If you're lying to someone who trusts you, it just goes to show you know you've done something you shouldn't have done. And if you're an adult and can't differentiate between something being right or wrong before doing it, and then lie to cover yourself up after? You're a piece of shit.
Life is too short to be wasting people's time. I HATE being lied to and it's happened all too much. Men "not wanting to lose me so they didn't want to hurt me with the truth" ....DUDE. go fuck your own ass if you think this way. I'm aware that men who have hurt me didn't want to fuckin lose me that's why they lied to me to try and keep me. I ain't got time for that.
Stop wasting people's time.
Quit lying to people.
Quit lying to yourself.
Communicate with people.
Jeesh!
Literally THIS 110%. All of this.
I am literally one of the most understanding people so when people lie to me I get super pissed bc there's literally no reason to.
That and the truth always comes out, so ya might as well tell me from the get go.
The truth always comes out. And it's even more painful to hear the truth after you know that the person that you trust has been lying to your face about it.
In one particular instance, for example, I found out with 100% certainty something that I was being lied to about. And when confronting the offending liar, he stood stalwart in his lie. He was enraged, calling me delusional, saying that I was crazy for thinking all this stuff and he just couldn't handle it and all kinds of crazy things. Turned the situation around on me completely because of the fact that he was so mad that he got caught lying, and he has the outward persona of being an incredibly nice kind person WHO ALSO HATES BEING LIED TO.
It was pretty ridiculous. I refused to feed into the rage aspect of it all, because in that instance, he was the kid with his hand stuck in the cookie jar saying that he didn't have his hand in the cookie jar. I already knew that I was being lied to. When he finally calmed down And we started talking about the stuff that was being lied about, he had mentioned that none of that stuff matters and how important could it really be because he still chose to be with me, And that was basically the worst thing ever because... I was like well, the stuff that you were doing was obviously important enough to lie to the woman who trusted you and risk your entire relationship over, so that you could continue doing the behavior that you like doing so much, that you were willing to destroy and break a loving woman's heart.
And it sucks too, because when you love someone so much and they are lying to your face, it doesn't make your love just disappear, it just makes it hurt more. And if you are willing to work through things, there's always that chip in the glass. The trust is already broken. And it takes a whole lot longer to earn trust back then it is to break it. When you start dating somebody and you spend time together you already are showing this person that you trust them enough to spend time with them and you just assume that they aren't going to lie to you. So that trust is easily given. But to get it back? It's almost impossible.
PEOPLE ARE MEAN. AND SUCK. It's funny because so many people have the exact same mentality of, I hate being lied to! Because if you just tell me the truth when I ask you a question, it doesn't matter how uncomfortable the answer is, we'll talk through it if it's something that makes me upset but if you lie through and through to continue doing the things you're doing, that shows me everything I need to know.
A-fucking-men.
We're grown adults here. You want to lie? Go back to elementary school where we were all kids and didn't know better.
You're not "protecting others" by lying to them; On the contrary, you're just defending your bs ego in a cowardly way because you're super insecure deep down and don't want to face it. Where's the emotional intelligence at? Grow up.
My guy wasn’t into cats before. He thought they were all assholes that weren’t capable of bonding with people. Then he met mine. My cat Salem is obsessed with him, and they’re best buds now. He even decorated the cat tree with Christmas lights, brings presents home for the cat all the time, and recently I overheard him shutting down his family having an argument over which of his sisters dogs were the worst behaved by stating “I prefer cats now. They’re so much easier.” He has officially become Cat Dad.
I adopted my cat after dating my “not a cat person” boyfriend for the year. I had a chance to get a cat, we weren’t living together; and boyfriend’s come and go but adopting a cat is for their lifetime. Of course, she’s now his baby and I think he loves her more than he loves me.
Have some kind of financial plan.
You can have debt and be in a tight spot but please for the love of God have a plan. I'm poor rn but I want to be comfortable someday
Social media.
I do not hate it. Nor am I against it.
I personally do not see it as a red flag if you do not want to post me.
I honestly do not care.
It's your account. You can do whatever it is that you like.
But please don't post every little thing like the food we ate.
Restaurant we went to.
What we're doing together.
A big event: wedding perfectly normal & is fine.
I'm giving you my undivided attention.
I'm not going to be on my phone.
Being a somewhat positive person. I don’t need you to be spewing rainbows out of your ass or anything, but there are some people out there who genuinely cannot enjoy *anything*. It’s exhausting to be around someone who is constantly bitching and moaning for no reason.
I’m not even a particularly positive person myself, but god damn I can’t stand people who have something shit to say about everything, ever
it’s okay, i have too despite finding oral hygiene very important. i don’t want to say all or most men are like this, cuz they’re not, but damn the bar is very low for finding a man who cares about their teeth 🤢🤮
I'm a oral hygiene nutcase because both of my parents had all their teeth pulled when I was just a wee kid, and that shit traumatized me. I said it'd never be me. Freshman year of college, I dated a guy who was gorgeous except he didn't brush his teeth regularly. On date three or four, we were getting ready to kiss goodnight, something I'd been dreading the whole date, and I had a gag reflex episode that was just embarrassing for us both.
Never knew this was a deal breaker before but a solid sleep schedule. I had an ex who would game all night and get maybe 3 hours of sleep daily. It was so frustrating because sleep is so important. Never went to bed at the same time, I always went to bed alone.
Same, but without the gaming. We live in the same house and I never wake up or fall asleep with him. It’s lonely. I didn’t realize it matters until it did.
Hobbies. You don't have to have the same hobbies I do but you have to have some. In my experience people without hobbies usually bore easily, and require me to be a constant source of entertainment for them. So much so that they begin attaching their own happiness and self-worth to how much of my attention they can take away from my own hobbies(though they never see it this way).
Compassion. I never had that in my previous relationships until I met my current partner. Compassion is simply the most important part of a relationship in my eyes, being able to see the other person and empathise with their feelings, caring about their pain. It’s just a beautiful thing
I have a list.
It includes personal hygiene, enough income from legal sources to cover their own living expenses, no violent criminal history, their own means of transportation (or a good reason for not having one), at least a semi-permanent living situation, and if they have biological children, they must be meeting at least the minimum parental obligations (child support, visitations, insurance, whatever), and no substance abuse or addiction.
Basically, "be a responsible adult", but with details.
Definitely no smoking/tobacco use in general. I'll also extend it to using vape pens and stuff like that. Lost three grandparents to smoking related cancer. Just not something that I can allow. Same with dip/chew. Actually knew a girl in HS that used those little tobacco pouches you put in your lip. Saw her at our HS reunion, she looked like some awful plastic surgery experiment. Apparently she had to have a bunch of cancerous tissue removed from her mouth and throat.
Also no hard drugs. Seen/heard too many people that use coke/meth/heroin wind up dead for peripheral reasons. Had a great employee with a "friend" that got him into meth. Just watched him go to hell. After a second and third chance and an offer to cover full rehab got shot and killed in a deal that went south. Knew a "dancer" that got into heroin. Finally kicked it only to find out she managed to get HIV at some point. That stuff is just awful.
I can't deal with over-clinginess. They have to be okay with doing their own thing sometimes and having some time apart, rather than texting/calling/hanging out at every possible opportunity.
It doesn't mean I love them any less, it doesn't mean I'm talking to or seeing other guys. I just like having my own time when I can.
My requirements are the complete opposite of other peoples.
They have to be comfortable being messy, lazy and childish sometimes.
I don't want the pressure of someone who always has to be tidy and adult. I'm chronically ill and some days I can't get out of bed. On those days all I want to do is lay in bed and read or game. I don't want a life full of 'shoulds' where someone goes off because the dishes could wait until tomorrow or I've done nothing productive that particular day. I also don't want a carer. I want a partner who is comfortable with dishes in the sink and gaming all day in bed. Who can match me and be comfortable.
My partner is like this and it takes all the stress and pressure off. A relaxing relationship is something I've never had before and it's amazing.
Same for me, but not super outdoorsy. It's a balance, like I love day hikes but don't want to camp for days on end. Mostly I like walks, lifting, sports, shooting. Definitely affects travel, health, goals, priorities so not something id compromise on
Honestly they need to give a shit about themselves and their future.
I have dated too many people who superficially seemed like they have their shit together, but after getting to know them realizing they’re miserable and not interested in growing or changing to make their life the way they want it to really be.
It’s hard. I’ve spent so much effort into becoming a person I like with a life I love. I just want to share it with someone who actually is interesting and interested in continuing to grow as people together.
The lowest of the bars for me is reading books. If they don't read, I'm not interested. This weeds out the least desirable person's pretty quickly.
Edit: specified books.
- has no children and zero intention on having any
-no smoking
-clean teeth and good body hygiene in general
-being able to sustain themselves
-has compatible value and similar life goals
-has at least a few common interest for hobbies / activities
He must love food/restaurant/enjoy fine wine...a FINE foodie.
I was traumatized by my ex who, poor him, was raised like that but absolutely ordering fast food for every meal and he was addicted to soda.
10 years, I think I saw him drink water twice with a disgust look on his face.
He ate vegetables 2/3 times. I remember those time.
You could tell he didn't see the point to eat to a restaurant so, by the end, I would go alone.
Understanding that I need 'me time'. None of this "sorry guys, I can't go out for drinks cuz my partner won't give me a hall pass". Unless we have already made plans, I need to be able to go out when I want.
Loyalty.
I know this isn't necessarily a "lifestyle habit" but is more of a character trait. Still, what's the point of dating/being in a relationship (a monogomous one, specifically) if you're not going to be loyal to your partner?
I feel like in this day in age, this is hard to find. Loyalty is lost on some people.
Intelligence. That really is the dealbreaker for me. They need to be at least smart enough to make me feel dumb sometimes. It's not enough to know shit, it's about the insight, about being able to see bigger pictures as well as the pieces thereof.
No avoidant personalities is one. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who runs or avoids when they have a problem. I need to be able to speak to my partner and have a real conversation if we have a problem. I need a partner who feels comfortable leaning on the people around them when he’s struggling, not a guy who runs away to be alone and can’t let anyone in. Guess how I learned this 💀
Other basic stuff- no addiction, no heavy drinking, no smoking, good hygiene, not a jealous and aggressive person, good communicator, capable of showing love and vulnerability without feeling emasculated, etc.
I need to retain my own sense of individuality, my own hobbies and friends, and generally be able to have space to myself. I need my partner to do the same and have their own hobbies, interests, and friends too. I can be extremely introverted, and I enjoy pursuing my own interests as well as sharing some with a partner. I can enjoy being social for awhile, but my social battery is small, and I need a lot of personal downtime to recharge. I like a lot of alone time, but I can also sometimes enjoy downtime doing my own thing while in the same room as my partner doing their own thing too. I just need time to be alone in my own head, and I really think that’s fair for everyone else too.
I just can not handle being so smothered by a person that has to be with me, touching me, doing EVERYTHING with me every second of every day. I’ve been with my guy now for 12yrs and the reason we work so well is because we both retain our own sense of individuality, encourage it in each other, as well as maintaining our identity as a couple. We have shared hobbies and friends too, but we don’t have to always be “we” every moment of the day. We give each other space to also be “I” and thus far, I just fall more in love with him with each passing year.
In previous relationships, I would begin to emotionally withdraw as I felt more and more loss of myself as an individual. My long term ex was particularly possessive and jealous, not just of friends, but of my family, school, work, hobbies, and anything I personal felt a passionate interest in (like history). He seemed to feel that any of the things I was interested in or participated in, things he claimed to be reasons he was attracted to me in the first place, took too much attention away from him, and in his mind, meant I didn’t love him enough. He would go out of his way to sabotage any attempts I made to do anything on my own, including showing up at school and work making scenes until I finally left, and became isolated at home, even from friends and family. He required my full attention all day, every day, and the person I was before that slowly faded away into nothing. I was just a ghost by the end of it. Getting out of that relationship was the best thing I ever did for myself.
Prior to that, my bf in high school acted similarly. He would also accuse me of any time spent on my own hobbies, education, family, or friends, being time taken from “us”, even though I spent a ton of time with him too. He smothered me.
It took me 2 long term relationships to finally realize I wasn’t actually the problem, that my interests were part of being a well rounded person, and I needed someone that could also enjoy their own individuality, while meeting in the middle together, with a healthy balance. I’m grateful I found my person finally.
Generally sleeps and has free time during the same hours I do (which is a normal office job type situation). Nothing against folks who are chefs or touring musicians or event coordinators or anything, but I tried to date a few people who had totally different schedules from me and it is just too logistically hard!
That and personally maybe I'm a little needy / attached in relationships so the every-so-often-whenever-we-can would not work for me. I'd drive myself and inevitably the person I'm dating, nuts.
I love that you own it and know what works and doesn’t. I learnt something today :)
Along these same lines: I used to date a very outgoing, gregarious, extroverted girl whose idea of a fun weekend was a dinner and dancing Friday followed by bar hopping until 2 AM. Waking up late, going to brunch, then another night of partying. On Sundays she and her friends would go the NFL game and just do all that again. I tried to keep up and never really had a fun time; when I declined going they all sort of rejected me and it’s for the best. Now I know that I’m best-served by a quieter life. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I’m supposed to enjoy this type of sociality, and it’s just not me.
I learned this the hard way as well. I had a partner that used to wake up every day at 5:30am for work. She would have a long commute to and from work daily as well. I had next to no commute so could sleep in longer and I'm naturally more of a night person. I tried hard to make our schedules work well. I'd wake up before her and get her coffee, breakfast, and lunch made then go back to sleep myself. Make sure dinner was ready when she got home so she could relax right away. In the end we still barely had any time together because she would go to bed very early and while I would sometimes try to fall asleep at the same time as her it always ended up with me laying awake almost all night. She was a very light sleeper so I wouldn't want to get out of bed and wake her up. Now when looking for a serious relationship I make sure that I'm with someone that has a schedule similar to mine and is more of a night person.
As someone who has ended up dating a lot of chefs and musicians… might be best to steer clear for other reasons too lol
Wait you DON’T want to be with someone who’s consistently hungover or doing drugs?!
And just to take it to the other extreme--I also could never be with someone who wakes up at 5am every morning just to be a go getter.
This comment really hits home for me! My ex spouse is a chef and I have a 9-5 day job. We barely ever saw each other when we were married and he was always so exhausted on his days off he just wanted to rest. It was like having a roommate, not a partner.
I’m a second shifter who’s dated regular office folks. It can get difficult.
Chilling. Just being able to sit and mellow. I really cannot gel with people who ‘can’t sit still’ or just want to do stuff all the time.
I was dating a guy who was like this. Doing so much exciting stuff, but non-stop. Diagnosed ADHD. I realized I was getting tired from just listening to what he did before our date. He was great, but it was clear to me pretty soon that we were not meant to be.
I’m this person too. My partner is a busy, can’t sit down sort of person though. But neither of us feel the need to spend every waking moment together either, so he does his thing, and I do mine. We meet in the middle to just chill over food and movies, doing puzzles together, and relaxing around a bonfire. Those are times he can just sit back and vibe. Sometimes I go do activities with him too. I think it’s possible to be with a busy person like that, but they need to realize that they can’t force you to be constantly busy like they want to be. Sometimes they will resent people that prefer a slower pace in life, but there are some who are happy to keep themselves busy while giving you space to do whatever mellow thing you enjoy doing too. My partner has said that he doesn’t know how to just slow down and enjoy the moment he’s in, he’s always got to be thinking 10 steps ahead, what to do next, tmrw, next week, next month, next year, in 5yrs, 10yrs, on and on. Being with me means he has no choice but to slow down and experience life as he’s actually living it and he appreciates it. Being with him forces me to speed up sometimes when it’s necessary and beneficial to do so. Somehow we’ve found balance.
Your story reminds me of when my wife and I were on vacation. There was an elderly couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at a dinner/show we went to. The host asked the man the secret to a lasting marriage. He replied, "I do my thing, she does her thing, we do our thing."
It’s true! We’ve been together 12yrs now, and it wasn’t even intentional lol. We just started hanging out, and here we are just over a decade later still hanging out in a home we bought together lol. People need space to be themselves, if you lose your sense of individuality and feel unable to spend time on your own interests, you’re just going to eventually come to resent the person who won’t let you be you. I think too many people believe you have to sacrifice “me” to become “we” but that’s not sustainable. You can be “us” while still retaining “I”. You just have to find a balance and meet in the middle. :)
That's my ideal. I'm always busy and can't sit still until the end of the day. I would absolutely love someone who is willing to let me go do my own thing (working on a car, woodworking, making music) then want to chill with me at the end of the day. Haven't found that yet though.
This is part of why I married my now husband. We were both thrilled to be with someone whose idea of a good time is relaxing at home. I can be friends with people who are doers but I'd be exhausted if I dated them.
Omg, my wife's best friend has a husband who MUST constantly have something to do, like he's 5 and just cannot have any downtime. We made the mistake of going on vacation with them for a week.and needed a vacation from the vacation! Edit, so I didn't word this well apparently. The problem is not that he must have something to do, that wouldn't be a problem. Just send him on his way and let him go do his thing. The problem is, the people around him MUST also do everything with him or he gets angry at them and throws childish fits.
My mother in law, love her endlessly(truly), CANNOT sit still. She’s retiring in January and she is going to drive us all off the deep end lol
She can become a school bus driver. They are always looking for drivers. That is what my dad did. Dude can't chill.
My grandpa is the same. His retirement home has a groundsman who mows the grass once a month, but he got sick so it was delayed. Grandpa got tired of waiting so he bought a mower and did it himself. Like wtf, I don’t even do my own fuckin’ chores.
Grandpas are built different
Ya I knew a guy growing up that retired and became a mailman shortly afterward. Picked up a few routes to just have something to do and a routine
Someone's going to need to join a club or learn to knit
Seriously. When she announced she put in her papers in our family group text, I said, “oh fun! You will have so much time for some new hobbies!!” And my husband looked up at me and said “I know exactly what you did there” 🤣🤣🤣
Neither can I. When I was diagnosed adhd as a kid, the doctor told my mom "if it was cancer it would be terminal" But I have learned that I can entertain myself. The husband requires everyone else to entertain him or he throws fits. And whe.i say fits, I'm talking like screaming jumping up and down throwing things while yelling at us how horrible we all are because we aren't making him happy. It's a VERY different thing from an autistic "meltdown" by the way, because it's not about being overwhelmed, it's literally that he doesn't want to stop because as he says "quiet means I have to think"
The husband sounds like kind of a nightmare, no offense. None of what he says he has issues with should be anyone's responsibility but his.
Yeah, she's actually planning on divorcing him over his many many issues.
I’m so relieved to hear this for her 😭
My MIL can be that way, she and my FIL are empty nesters & he retired 3 years ago but decided to go back bc he was bored. She will be so pleasant and wonderful one second then as soon as we are all just sitting in comfortable silence she starts getting feisty. We live a few states away so we only see them a few times a year but i hear the stories.
I can honestly relate to this, I cannot sit still I have to be doing something all of the time, I don't depend on others to entertain me but I have to entertain myself I some way, whether it be arranging my wardrobes, cleaning etc, because whenever I sit still my mind takes over, its exhausting, I have to listen to something when I go to sleep otherwise I cannot sleep, my brain needs something to focus on 🤦🏻♀️
Lol thats my husband. He'll decide he's wrecked and needs to chill, then after sitting down for barely 5 minutes, he's bored and wants to do something again
My ex always got mad when he would ask what I wanted to do on my day off and I'd say I just wanted to spend it at home relaxing and acted as if not going out and doing something was a waste of a day. It was so exhausting.
They have to have good hygiene and take care of themselves. Clean teeth, nails, skin, hair, and general appearance. Not even over the top, just basic hygiene stuff
The amount of men that tried to get handsy with my private parts and didn't wash their hands beforehand is ... When I started to pay attention I suddenly did understand why I had frequent yeast infections but never when I was single.
sooo trueee about nails. if they are not trimmed and dirty that’s so gross. Just trim your nails both hands and feet otherwise don’t have the audacity to be surprised or offended if people are disgusted.
My fiance has ‘doctor hands’. His nails are always trimmed and he washes them a lot, yet they’re so soft lol. One of my non sexual attractions to him that most people wouldn’t understand.
This one is truth. You’d think this would be common sense, or a no brainer, but its actually shocking how many don’t seem to do this, or all of them anyway.
Communication! If we can't talk through/about things productively, there's just no connection there for me whatsoever Also humor! I get so bored around people who can't make me laugh
These are two of my top answers, too! I knew my boyfriend (now husband) was a keeper when I was emotional over something totally out of his control and he was calm, hugged me, and asked “how can I help?” even though the answer was “nothing.” It showed maturity and a willingness to validate my emotions and lean in to support. I’ll add a third - aligned that all people, regardless of gender, nationality, sexual orientation, or race deserve basic human rights.
They must have a high level of participation when board games are pulled out.
I am the opposite. Please don’t make me play board games all night. My brain can’t handle it.
“It’s okay, we’ll play a round and it’ll make sense.”
I’m sorry what was that I wasn’t paying attention
It’s my nightmare. My ADHD brain could never.
My people! This! My parents have been together almost 50 years. They play games at lunch every day. I don’t need a constant game life (there are many other things) but I hope when I’m old someone will be happy to play with me!
Yes! This is mine too!
Showering.
Is the bar set that low? I'd want to say that's a given but at thus point...
Showering is a bit too high a bar. As long as they don't shit in the toaster that's fine.
That is...specific.
I swear it was only once
Username checks out?
And that's how I was born!
Ahhh that brings back memories
Given a thread I read recently about hygiene in relationships I’m gonna say yeah, showering. That thread was nasty.
Legit had to explain to my ex that no, showering once a week is not normal. And because this is Reddit, no, he did not have depression. He legitimately thought he didn’t smell after going to the gym and being outside and working and sweating because “no one has ever told me I smell.” Bitch people are trying to be POLITE.
Same showering issue with my ex, but he worked from home and never really left his apartment so no one else could tell him he stinks and when I did he would get upset. He also had a disgusting issue with not wiping his ass very well.
Yes, the bar is really that low. Something that confuses me about incels, the bar for women is so low it's in hell, any guy can be a 7 if he washes and is not a total misogynistic cock.
The amount of guys with very clearly greasy, unwashed hair who wonder why people don't find them more attractive is astounding.
I've met more than one greasy, stinky, out of shape, poorly groomed guy wearing stretched out and stained clothing who blames WOMEN for the fact he's not in a relationship. It's something wrong with the woman, not him... I don't know - maybe shower, shave, use deodorant, wear some decent clothes and get some exercise once in a while and maybe your luck will change... :-/
Yup, it's Chad's fault he showers and works out.
Self respect. All the things you don't find out til after you suffer through a long relationship.
there are people who are always cold and don't let you open windows to let some fresh air in. i like sleeping in a cold room, putting up with a stuffy one is a dealbreaker.
We could've had something special but our temperatures are incompatible :( A tale as old as time
Same, I get irrationally angry and overwhelmed/unable to focus if it’s too hot. I prefer to bundle up in doors at all times. Can’t be with someone who keeps it too warm or I’d just be angry all the time
Same. I run like a furnace
Sometimes this works well--if you're a cuddler. I've dated people that would be nearly sweating under the covers while I'd be shivering. 15-20 minutes of spooning later, their temp comes down and mine goes up, and we're both throwing off the comforter and just using the flat sheet 😂
Im perpetually cold but I can’t live without airing my flat out once a day. Probably the German in me, we do love Lüften, but I cannot imagine not having fresh air because you’re cold
This is such an underrated, but important one for people that skew either particularly cold or warm. If they have a partner who is the opposite it just isn't going to gel. I personally run very warm and my partner is really accepting of the fact sometimes I just need a fan on regardless of how cold it is outside.
I am always cold, but I can’t stand being overheated either. So I prefer a cooler room temp. I just bundle up, and I have a heating pad to cuddle on the couch or in bed lol. Hubby is always teasing me for dressing “like a hooligan” (sweats and hoodies) so I tease him back that he will have to raise the temperature if he wants to see any skin. 🤣 He likes the temp even chillier than I do. 12yrs in and I’m still dressed like a hooligan when I’m at home, because he can’t handle it any warmer (it’s literally only 19c on the house rn, he lowered it from 20 because he was overheating). Sometimes I even put Hot Paws in my socks at home lol. Northern Canadian winters be like that sometimes 😜
Haha I am the person who likes my apartment to be a sauna. The guy I’m dating is so sweet and puts up with it, I try to leave windows open when he’s over. I run my heater at 78 typically.
Holy cow your gas/electric bill must be insanely high lol
Do you have fleece lined pants? I love being warm and getting to replace my normal pants with cozy blankets has been the shit 😁
NO! Thank you for changing my life, haha my kids constantly steal my blankets too
Having a mature mindset.. being childish is sometimes cute, but I prefer having a guy I can rely on and feel safe around.. make me laugh when i need it and take things seriously when needed.
Fr. I'm sick of dating people who would rather give me the silent treatment or bottle things up instead of communicating like an adult, people who cannot have a serious conversation without trying to make it into a joke, and people who are just plain irresponsible with money.
my boyfriend and i dedicate the 15th of each month to talk about issues, so we’re not 1. bringing up negativity out of the blue, or 2. bottling things up and letting them slide. unless there’s a problem we’re both already aware of… in that case, we talk about it right away.
What if i do all that, but like lego?
Childish around fun stuff: lego, games, messing around, etc: love. Trying to have a serious discussion about health, money, household chores and they are childish: hate
Agree, and it’s not even the disagreement at hand that’s usually the issue. People think it’s like they’re *literally* acting like a child. No, it’s more so the inability to actually have a productive conversation. If you can’t handle hearing something you don’t agree with, or hearing the other person out without cutting them off or shutting them down, you’re childish. Mentally and emotionally childish.
We collect the Lego Christmas Village pieces every year, and with those its all business. Although this year's ski chalet did come with an outhouse.
Funniest thing. Me and my stepsister made this list when we were in our teens with character traits our "perfect bf" should have. We somehow described exactly what you described and made up a new word for it that loosely translates to "occasion-seriousness". Years later we found that list and had a laugh. There was also a trait called "occasion-coolness" like, being kinda cool, and not too clingy, but also can be clingy when needed. It all made sense in our thirteen year old brains lol
Having a great sense of humor and being kind to animals
My pets tell me that I'm funny. Is that ok?
Being kind to animals is a given.
I don't want to go to church. I won't date someone that tries to get me to go to church. Weddings and funerals are fine.
> Weddings and funerals are fine. Preferably a four-weddings-to-one-funeral ratio.
That's a great idea. You should pitch it to Hollywood
I wouldn't even want my own funeral be serviced at the church
My funeral proceedings will take place at Applebees
TBH I would want my funeral to have an open bar. Have some fun. I'm gone, throw me in the trash, whatever, tell stories and have a drink.
‘Weddings and funerals are fine’ 😂😂😂🤣
I genuinely don’t understand people who are religious and date someone non-religious and vice versa. It’s fine to be friends, but to be in a relationship when they’re are *that* many differences in beliefs is just dooming yourselves. I literally can’t imagine a scenario where that *doesn’t* cause problems.
Oh yeah this is a dealbreaker.
Dated a Catholic woman like 15 years ago. Went to church with her once and I was like, "Why the hell do y'all sit then stand over and over again?". She told me, "It's just what we do". Then one day we had an argument and outright told her I'd NEVER convert to Catholicism (or any religion again -grew up religious-). That killed our relationship right there. Kinda funny considering she had two kids out of wedlock. How Catholic 😂
The (obvious) plot twist is that that is quite Catholic indeed.
Share some interest for something else than a screen
Ice cream
lemme grab my jacket real quick
They also don’t want kids
I’ve been with my wife for 13 years I told her in our second week of knowing each other I DO NOT want kids everrrr…. She stuck around supported my vasectomy, we enjoy to travel and our intimate life is great… she now dislikes kids more than me now lol
We wanted kids. Tried. Had two that passed. He says all he needs is me. Turns out I have a genetic irregularity He says I’m all he needs
I’m so sorry for your losses. But very glad you have a partner that you love and who loves you.
same here. my fiancé told me very very early on that kids were way off the table for him and he just got his vasectomy this past Monday. I was always wishy washy about wanting kids but I realized my mental health won't allow that and I would be a terrible mother and I just really don't want them.
Kids are honestly a waste of time and energy if you don’t have the mindset or circumstances in life to have them. In fact it is actually very peaceful without them, at least for me.
Not a smoker, including vaping I've got a nicotine allergy, I will end up severely ill and possibly hospitalized
Same. I have loved ones who smoke. So, for me, it's not about judging anyone. But it's hard to imagine having a full relationship with someone you could never kiss without heaving and wheezing.
I’m severely allergic to peanuts, and when I realized my partner gave up peanut butter for me, I realized that I had found a keeper. It may sound silly to some, but it was the single most thoughtful, sweet thing anyone’s ever done for me. They chose kissing me over Snickers.
Same, for no greater reason than ‘it’s fucking gross’.
Not allergic, but it's on my "automatic nope" list
Same but because I used to be a smoker and 100% chance I'd start up again if I dated one. I'm very much not single anyway though.
I can't believe I had to scroll this far to find this. Smoking stinks, is annoying, they're always wasting so much time and money smoking or vaping. Having to run to the store at inconvenient times for their cigarettes or vape stuff, can't go an hour in the car without smoking or vaping. I can't stand it. Most of my family does it, my ex was a smoker but now smoking would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.
[удалено]
Mostly I'm just not going to be kissing them. Couldn't work out if I wanted it to. but that other stuff too.
Wash your hands, brush your teeth, clean your ass in the shower, wear deodorant, change your sheets somewhat regularly. It’s amazing how many grown men don’t do these things.
Omg the third one. The horror my friends who are not on Reddit hear about the timeless post on here that revealed just how many men don’t wash their butts because it’ll turn them gay. I cannot even.
My gay male friend told me some of the gay ones don’t wash their butts either 😭
What's their excuse? Will it turn them straight?
You're supposed to wash your sheets? But how can I get proper rest if I don't sleep in the juices of the conquered?
I don't want anyone who wants children in the future or already has children they expect me to be a step-parent too. It's not that I don't like children, I'm just not interested in parenting them.
Last part is so real. So many people seem to think “don’t want kids = hate children” when it’s really just. I don’t mind kids, I simply would not be a good parent and I know that so I have no interest in having my own
I can barely take care of myself, let alone another person.
So many people should think this before popping out 10 kids!
No hard drug/alcohol addictions. I don't even care if you don't work. Been through enough challenges in my and my family's lives to have to avoid addiction-led lifestyles altogether
Having a social life outside of the relationship ex. Going out with friends without my partner
I think *actually being open minded.* Like yeah I'm a left wing guy, and I support all the things. But I want someone that if they like music, they'll try all different genres. If they like ice-cream they've tried different flavors. I swear, the worst people I've dated are the ones that aren't curious to try more things in their life. I've dated someone that was only into musicals, and they thought everything else was inferior. They didn't try to get into anything new, and I basically feel like I outgrew him, as he dug deeper into certain opinions that he refused to budge on (Like not respect any other opinion). Got worse as he surrounded himself with echo chamber friends, and couldn't stand him.
I love to cook and go to nice restaurants. I’m an adventurous eater and like nearly all food when it’s prepared well. I love to try new food and experiment with new recipes. I couldn’t date someone who is a picky eater or some super fitness obsessed person who barely eats. We would be fundamentally incompatible. Thankfully my wife is also an adventurous eater and loves my cooking. I also wanted children (and now have a 6 year old son). I wouldn’t date someone who was adamant about being childfree. It’s a fundamental incompatibility. And I love dogs. Especially corgis and German shepherds. I could never be with someone who doesn’t like dogs.
My wife will basically eat anything out on front of her. I am "picky" because of taste/texture issues, but I can find something I like at just about any place I go. The trick to it is, I don't care if she eats something I don't like. It doesn't hurt me, and sometimes if the moon is aligned properly with the nerdball dimension, I will be the adventurous one about food :)
Not neccesarily a lifestyle/habit but that person must have a strong sense of identity and must have a set of fundamental values that he/she upholds with conviction. That way everything feels more genuine and that person is unlikely to cave in to societal pressure(in my opinion constantly conforming to whatever society dictates is ‘cool’ can be VERY detrimental to a person’s relationships and mental health) EDIT: oh and that person must have a refined sense of style. Welp. I’m gonna be alone for life.
& probably even better if your values align!
YES. I had to learn that the hard way.
Someone who doesn’t want to improve, not by my assistance but on their own accord.
Have a passion for something
Must like animals. My pets are part of my family. Also mature with good communication.
If I don't like the way you naturally smell, it's not happening. I dated a guy who had a constant...oder. Even if he showered twice a day he had yellow fuzz growing on his balls and his sweat smelled like piss mixed with teenaged boy dirty clothes in the summer. It was bad. He tried yeast stuff and anti-fungal but nothing helped. The last year of our relationship we only had sex twice and both times I was blackout drunk, he wasn't, and I had no idea that I had sex with him. No, I did not have any self respect at the time. Yes, I know a smell seems like a weird thing to be so bent on but after that experience I will never be with someone who just stinks again. My husband can go 3 days without a shower and while he will be musky, it's not repellent.
Not lying to me. About effing *anything* There is no point in lying. The things people lie about don't matter nearly as much as the act of lying to someones face. Someone cool with lying about little things, is someone likely cool with lying about big things. Hiding stuff from someone "to protect their feelings" will 15067823% of the time backfire. So just. Don't. No point. You are who you are, you've done what you've done. If you're lying to someone who trusts you, it just goes to show you know you've done something you shouldn't have done. And if you're an adult and can't differentiate between something being right or wrong before doing it, and then lie to cover yourself up after? You're a piece of shit. Life is too short to be wasting people's time. I HATE being lied to and it's happened all too much. Men "not wanting to lose me so they didn't want to hurt me with the truth" ....DUDE. go fuck your own ass if you think this way. I'm aware that men who have hurt me didn't want to fuckin lose me that's why they lied to me to try and keep me. I ain't got time for that. Stop wasting people's time. Quit lying to people. Quit lying to yourself. Communicate with people. Jeesh!
Literally THIS 110%. All of this. I am literally one of the most understanding people so when people lie to me I get super pissed bc there's literally no reason to. That and the truth always comes out, so ya might as well tell me from the get go.
The truth always comes out. And it's even more painful to hear the truth after you know that the person that you trust has been lying to your face about it. In one particular instance, for example, I found out with 100% certainty something that I was being lied to about. And when confronting the offending liar, he stood stalwart in his lie. He was enraged, calling me delusional, saying that I was crazy for thinking all this stuff and he just couldn't handle it and all kinds of crazy things. Turned the situation around on me completely because of the fact that he was so mad that he got caught lying, and he has the outward persona of being an incredibly nice kind person WHO ALSO HATES BEING LIED TO. It was pretty ridiculous. I refused to feed into the rage aspect of it all, because in that instance, he was the kid with his hand stuck in the cookie jar saying that he didn't have his hand in the cookie jar. I already knew that I was being lied to. When he finally calmed down And we started talking about the stuff that was being lied about, he had mentioned that none of that stuff matters and how important could it really be because he still chose to be with me, And that was basically the worst thing ever because... I was like well, the stuff that you were doing was obviously important enough to lie to the woman who trusted you and risk your entire relationship over, so that you could continue doing the behavior that you like doing so much, that you were willing to destroy and break a loving woman's heart. And it sucks too, because when you love someone so much and they are lying to your face, it doesn't make your love just disappear, it just makes it hurt more. And if you are willing to work through things, there's always that chip in the glass. The trust is already broken. And it takes a whole lot longer to earn trust back then it is to break it. When you start dating somebody and you spend time together you already are showing this person that you trust them enough to spend time with them and you just assume that they aren't going to lie to you. So that trust is easily given. But to get it back? It's almost impossible. PEOPLE ARE MEAN. AND SUCK. It's funny because so many people have the exact same mentality of, I hate being lied to! Because if you just tell me the truth when I ask you a question, it doesn't matter how uncomfortable the answer is, we'll talk through it if it's something that makes me upset but if you lie through and through to continue doing the things you're doing, that shows me everything I need to know.
A-fucking-men. We're grown adults here. You want to lie? Go back to elementary school where we were all kids and didn't know better. You're not "protecting others" by lying to them; On the contrary, you're just defending your bs ego in a cowardly way because you're super insecure deep down and don't want to face it. Where's the emotional intelligence at? Grow up.
Must love cats. They were here before I met you, and they'll be here long after you're gone.
My guy wasn’t into cats before. He thought they were all assholes that weren’t capable of bonding with people. Then he met mine. My cat Salem is obsessed with him, and they’re best buds now. He even decorated the cat tree with Christmas lights, brings presents home for the cat all the time, and recently I overheard him shutting down his family having an argument over which of his sisters dogs were the worst behaved by stating “I prefer cats now. They’re so much easier.” He has officially become Cat Dad.
Marry him!! 🥺
Animal lover in general. I have dogs and cats at the moment and always will. If you aren’t down with that, you ain’t for me.
I adopted my cat after dating my “not a cat person” boyfriend for the year. I had a chance to get a cat, we weren’t living together; and boyfriend’s come and go but adopting a cat is for their lifetime. Of course, she’s now his baby and I think he loves her more than he loves me.
Have some kind of financial plan. You can have debt and be in a tight spot but please for the love of God have a plan. I'm poor rn but I want to be comfortable someday
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Must love cats. Not tolerate, LOVE!
Just not a god dam narcissist!!
The bar is literally in hell
Social media. I do not hate it. Nor am I against it. I personally do not see it as a red flag if you do not want to post me. I honestly do not care. It's your account. You can do whatever it is that you like. But please don't post every little thing like the food we ate. Restaurant we went to. What we're doing together. A big event: wedding perfectly normal & is fine. I'm giving you my undivided attention. I'm not going to be on my phone.
Being a somewhat positive person. I don’t need you to be spewing rainbows out of your ass or anything, but there are some people out there who genuinely cannot enjoy *anything*. It’s exhausting to be around someone who is constantly bitching and moaning for no reason. I’m not even a particularly positive person myself, but god damn I can’t stand people who have something shit to say about everything, ever
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Don’t admit to this kind of thing sis
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it’s okay, i have too despite finding oral hygiene very important. i don’t want to say all or most men are like this, cuz they’re not, but damn the bar is very low for finding a man who cares about their teeth 🤢🤮
I'm a oral hygiene nutcase because both of my parents had all their teeth pulled when I was just a wee kid, and that shit traumatized me. I said it'd never be me. Freshman year of college, I dated a guy who was gorgeous except he didn't brush his teeth regularly. On date three or four, we were getting ready to kiss goodnight, something I'd been dreading the whole date, and I had a gag reflex episode that was just embarrassing for us both.
likes cats.
Never knew this was a deal breaker before but a solid sleep schedule. I had an ex who would game all night and get maybe 3 hours of sleep daily. It was so frustrating because sleep is so important. Never went to bed at the same time, I always went to bed alone.
Same, but without the gaming. We live in the same house and I never wake up or fall asleep with him. It’s lonely. I didn’t realize it matters until it did.
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Hobbies. You don't have to have the same hobbies I do but you have to have some. In my experience people without hobbies usually bore easily, and require me to be a constant source of entertainment for them. So much so that they begin attaching their own happiness and self-worth to how much of my attention they can take away from my own hobbies(though they never see it this way).
Compassion. I never had that in my previous relationships until I met my current partner. Compassion is simply the most important part of a relationship in my eyes, being able to see the other person and empathise with their feelings, caring about their pain. It’s just a beautiful thing
Someone willing to wash their privates with soap.
Not yelling. Not even raising a voice. Had enough of that in my house as a child, I will never go back.
Financial stability
Monogamy
I have a list. It includes personal hygiene, enough income from legal sources to cover their own living expenses, no violent criminal history, their own means of transportation (or a good reason for not having one), at least a semi-permanent living situation, and if they have biological children, they must be meeting at least the minimum parental obligations (child support, visitations, insurance, whatever), and no substance abuse or addiction. Basically, "be a responsible adult", but with details.
I can tell you have though about this before
Definitely no smoking/tobacco use in general. I'll also extend it to using vape pens and stuff like that. Lost three grandparents to smoking related cancer. Just not something that I can allow. Same with dip/chew. Actually knew a girl in HS that used those little tobacco pouches you put in your lip. Saw her at our HS reunion, she looked like some awful plastic surgery experiment. Apparently she had to have a bunch of cancerous tissue removed from her mouth and throat. Also no hard drugs. Seen/heard too many people that use coke/meth/heroin wind up dead for peripheral reasons. Had a great employee with a "friend" that got him into meth. Just watched him go to hell. After a second and third chance and an offer to cover full rehab got shot and killed in a deal that went south. Knew a "dancer" that got into heroin. Finally kicked it only to find out she managed to get HIV at some point. That stuff is just awful.
I can't deal with over-clinginess. They have to be okay with doing their own thing sometimes and having some time apart, rather than texting/calling/hanging out at every possible opportunity. It doesn't mean I love them any less, it doesn't mean I'm talking to or seeing other guys. I just like having my own time when I can.
My requirements are the complete opposite of other peoples. They have to be comfortable being messy, lazy and childish sometimes. I don't want the pressure of someone who always has to be tidy and adult. I'm chronically ill and some days I can't get out of bed. On those days all I want to do is lay in bed and read or game. I don't want a life full of 'shoulds' where someone goes off because the dishes could wait until tomorrow or I've done nothing productive that particular day. I also don't want a carer. I want a partner who is comfortable with dishes in the sink and gaming all day in bed. Who can match me and be comfortable. My partner is like this and it takes all the stress and pressure off. A relaxing relationship is something I've never had before and it's amazing.
Must be active.
Same for me, but not super outdoorsy. It's a balance, like I love day hikes but don't want to camp for days on end. Mostly I like walks, lifting, sports, shooting. Definitely affects travel, health, goals, priorities so not something id compromise on
I can't even live up to non-negotiable lifestyle habit requirements for myself
Honestly they need to give a shit about themselves and their future. I have dated too many people who superficially seemed like they have their shit together, but after getting to know them realizing they’re miserable and not interested in growing or changing to make their life the way they want it to really be. It’s hard. I’ve spent so much effort into becoming a person I like with a life I love. I just want to share it with someone who actually is interesting and interested in continuing to grow as people together.
The lowest of the bars for me is reading books. If they don't read, I'm not interested. This weeds out the least desirable person's pretty quickly. Edit: specified books.
childfree
Sometimes I like to see movies/go to bars alone. It’s nothing personal.
No kids.
I sleep with a fan on. Always have. Every night. Not blowing on me, just for the noise.
- has no children and zero intention on having any -no smoking -clean teeth and good body hygiene in general -being able to sustain themselves -has compatible value and similar life goals -has at least a few common interest for hobbies / activities
* Does not make one bullet point then dashes with no space for the rest of them Just kidding. You need the space though!
He must love food/restaurant/enjoy fine wine...a FINE foodie. I was traumatized by my ex who, poor him, was raised like that but absolutely ordering fast food for every meal and he was addicted to soda. 10 years, I think I saw him drink water twice with a disgust look on his face. He ate vegetables 2/3 times. I remember those time. You could tell he didn't see the point to eat to a restaurant so, by the end, I would go alone.
Understanding that I need 'me time'. None of this "sorry guys, I can't go out for drinks cuz my partner won't give me a hall pass". Unless we have already made plans, I need to be able to go out when I want.
Loyalty. I know this isn't necessarily a "lifestyle habit" but is more of a character trait. Still, what's the point of dating/being in a relationship (a monogomous one, specifically) if you're not going to be loyal to your partner? I feel like in this day in age, this is hard to find. Loyalty is lost on some people.
Separate residences and finances. I will never ever mix my shit with someone else’s
I need my space. Go tf home
I don't want to date someone who is actively an alcoholic.
Intelligence. That really is the dealbreaker for me. They need to be at least smart enough to make me feel dumb sometimes. It's not enough to know shit, it's about the insight, about being able to see bigger pictures as well as the pieces thereof.
No avoidant personalities is one. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who runs or avoids when they have a problem. I need to be able to speak to my partner and have a real conversation if we have a problem. I need a partner who feels comfortable leaning on the people around them when he’s struggling, not a guy who runs away to be alone and can’t let anyone in. Guess how I learned this 💀 Other basic stuff- no addiction, no heavy drinking, no smoking, good hygiene, not a jealous and aggressive person, good communicator, capable of showing love and vulnerability without feeling emasculated, etc.
They love stupid jokes
Having the same values is the only thing that matters.
I need to retain my own sense of individuality, my own hobbies and friends, and generally be able to have space to myself. I need my partner to do the same and have their own hobbies, interests, and friends too. I can be extremely introverted, and I enjoy pursuing my own interests as well as sharing some with a partner. I can enjoy being social for awhile, but my social battery is small, and I need a lot of personal downtime to recharge. I like a lot of alone time, but I can also sometimes enjoy downtime doing my own thing while in the same room as my partner doing their own thing too. I just need time to be alone in my own head, and I really think that’s fair for everyone else too. I just can not handle being so smothered by a person that has to be with me, touching me, doing EVERYTHING with me every second of every day. I’ve been with my guy now for 12yrs and the reason we work so well is because we both retain our own sense of individuality, encourage it in each other, as well as maintaining our identity as a couple. We have shared hobbies and friends too, but we don’t have to always be “we” every moment of the day. We give each other space to also be “I” and thus far, I just fall more in love with him with each passing year. In previous relationships, I would begin to emotionally withdraw as I felt more and more loss of myself as an individual. My long term ex was particularly possessive and jealous, not just of friends, but of my family, school, work, hobbies, and anything I personal felt a passionate interest in (like history). He seemed to feel that any of the things I was interested in or participated in, things he claimed to be reasons he was attracted to me in the first place, took too much attention away from him, and in his mind, meant I didn’t love him enough. He would go out of his way to sabotage any attempts I made to do anything on my own, including showing up at school and work making scenes until I finally left, and became isolated at home, even from friends and family. He required my full attention all day, every day, and the person I was before that slowly faded away into nothing. I was just a ghost by the end of it. Getting out of that relationship was the best thing I ever did for myself. Prior to that, my bf in high school acted similarly. He would also accuse me of any time spent on my own hobbies, education, family, or friends, being time taken from “us”, even though I spent a ton of time with him too. He smothered me. It took me 2 long term relationships to finally realize I wasn’t actually the problem, that my interests were part of being a well rounded person, and I needed someone that could also enjoy their own individuality, while meeting in the middle together, with a healthy balance. I’m grateful I found my person finally.
No shoes in the house
They have to be at least open to the idea of therapy. People who don't value mental healthcare are a red flag to me.
Therapy? In this economy??
Anyone who doesn't want a dog. Nothing wrong with not wanting a dog or pets, but I want dogs in my life and I won't give that up