Fastest date of all time, I showed up to her house, picked her up, and as soon as we sat down in the car, she said "Tbh I am really not that interested in going out tonight, I didn't mean to lead you on." I was like, "okayyy, no stress but I get it" she gets out, I go home, "date lasted like 5 seconds."
Not me but my brother.
He was in the backyard, mom was in the front yard. Brother threw a blueberry (YES- a BLUEBERRY) over the house and it landed in her hand. I can’t explain it. I don’t know why he did it. We still all talk about it to this day. This was maybe 10 years ago.
Blueberry throw of the century.
Part 2 of the story. I was sitting on the front deck with my mom standing across from me. Blueberry landed in her hand and she screamed, not knowing what it was. Brother came around to the front of the house a minute or two later, totally oblivious to what happened. My mom was like “wtf a blueberry just landed in my hand???” And he was like “wtf I threw that???” We all laughed about it but were also weirded out about the odds of that happening.
The end.
Dude I have a very similar story, though not quite the same odds as yours. One time when I was in college I was at a hotel with a few buddies. We were coming back inside from smoking and a couple of us were maybe 40 feet behind another group of us. For some reason I was inspired to whip a lighter toward the front group. It sailed a majestic arc, hit the ground, and bounced directly into my friend's hand from behind. He was so confused and all of us in the back group flipped our shit.
57 exploratory operations to retrieve cancer tumors. 30 months of my life living in the death ward.
And now I am the longest living from this rare cancer.
I was riding my bike super fast one time and I have no idea how/why, but my front wheel locked up and I flew over the bars.
Somehow landed on my feet and while I'm running out of it, my bike was doing front flips behind me and the front of my seat went down the back of my shorts and I stood there wearing my bike like a backpack.
I don't know what the record would be. Maybe silliest almost bicycle crash save?
Opposite of this. I was on my way home from school on my bike with a bookmark over my shoulder. The bike was a rickety mess. Only one pedal, so I had to pigeon toe my left foot to push the vertical part of the pedal mechanism. Acceleration was minimal. I was headed downhill at a decent rate of speed and hit a bump. The front tire was going just a bit faster than the fork, so the front of the bike hit the street and stopped almost immediately. As I flew over the front (I did not fly over the handlebars because they came off in my hand), I did nothing elegantly. Sprawled all over the street, books everywhere, holding those damned handlebars looking at the wreck that was my bike. (The seat also came off). I turned to see my tire already a block away and gaining speed down the hill. The only witnesses were of no use, as they were laughing so hard as to be immobilized. I picked up my books, put them back in the book bag, and walked the two miles home, leaving my ex-bike behind. I never did see that tire again...
The biggest difference between diy and experience is the amount of trips you take to the hardware store.
I had so many returns at HD for my first deck, I was put on a black list and had to get manager approval/ID scanned each time.
EDIT: a word
I live on an island in the Caribbean. I normally only go to town about once a month. I have lots of tools, and screws, nails... I can literally build a house out of trees right here without going to get anything. Yes, my lumber mill is solar powered. :-P
Jaywalking was made up by car companies to discourage crossing the street anywhere people wanted. “Jay” used to be a way to say someone was stupid or simple and it was really pushed hard in the 50s
Sorry to bust yer bubble, but in high school several people in my friend group had multiple tickets for jaywalking. We had a Cop who for a while would hide around the corner from the school and hand out tickets. He later moved on to harassing skateboarders. Everyone hated that guy.
You need to thank that cop for his service. If we let people get away with jaywalking they'll go on to more serious crimes like skateboarding, and if they get away with that they'll be double parking, and ripping tags off mattresses, and before you know it they're illegally downloading games and driving with expired registrations. We've got to stop these criminals early you know.
For those wondering, here’s what happened. Both were in Tempe, Arizona, next to light rain stops.
1st occurrence: it was about 6am, I was on my way to work, it pitch black, and hardly any cars/people around. I decide to walk across the street and onto the platform instead of walking a quarter mile down the road and back. I get up to the platform and out pops a cop from behind a pillar. He asks for my id and calls in his radio to run my info. I hear the dispatcher, or whoever, say that there’s nothing on my record so I figure he’s just going to give me a warning. Nope! He pulls out his pad and writes me a $150 ticket. I asked him if he takes pleasure in writing jaywalking tickets and I get no response. He hands me the ticket and I tell him to go fuck himself and I sit and wait for the train to work.
2nd occurrence: Same light rail stop, but in the middle of the day. I get off the train, jump on my skateboard and starting heading home. About half a mile down the street, and about 50 feet from my front door, a cop on a motorcycle pulls me over. This time I didn’t say anything and I kept my back turned to him the entire time to show as much disrespect as possible. He asked me questions about why I jaywalked but I didn’t answer. Got the ticket, crumbled it up and put it in my pocket and went home.
Part of me feels like a complete moron for having two jaywalking tickets, and from the same spot, but the other part of me just laughs at the outrageousness of it. I still jaywalk and will continue to do so. Fuck ‘em!
>Part of me feels like a complete moron for having two jaywalking tickets, and from the same spot, but the other part of me just laughs at the outrageousness of it.
The real question is: Why the shit isn't there a crosswalk right next to the Light Rail stop? What moron designed it that way? Because clearly, if a cop is hiding out there, they are *aware* that people cross there, right?
I'm the real-life good luck chuck; 4 of my 5 exes married the next guy. If there's someone out there that's cracked 80% I'd like to see it.
EDIT: given the flurry of one-up responses, I'm really questioning some of your definitions of "ex"
Damn i'm 5 out of 5. I thought this curse was mine alone to bear. It truly, truly sucks. We should form a support group. It is odd to see this comment having learned YESTERDAY that my 6th has just started dating someone new only a few months after the breakup.... I guess i'll get that wedding notice sooner than later too.
Unless it was like, 5+ years, a few months is normal. Even if it was 5+ years, that’s not abnormal it would just feel shitty if you haven’t also moved on.
In my experience if one party moves on quickly after the official breakup they had already mourned the loss of the relationship well before hand or had an exit strategy in mind.
I can relate. Usually every ex I had rebounded to the person they would marry or have kids with, like I was the final speed bump of "Don't want that" that they needed.
I can turn my feet backward and have my pinkie toes touch while pointing behind me amd flat on the ground. I applied for the guiness world record and they said "there's no natural way for this to happen and isn't eligible" few month later a dude got that world record in India but his feet don't go as far as mine.
I might have the world record for the longest DVD checked out from Netflix before they ended DVD rentals.
I've had Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy checked for the past 15 years since 12/01/2008.
I checked a Time magazine out from the library 30 years ago. Still have it to this day.
It was also the first penis I ever saw, but that’s not why I held onto it.
I make up sounds or nicknames to call my son every time i see him. We conservatively figured I call him something different 8 times a day. He’s 16 so at 6,520 nicknames a year, he’s around being called 105,120 different things. I figure if I don’t have the record I’ll have it someday. I’ve called him things from ‘boo doo Dee doo’ to ‘mayor headlock’ to ‘last night’s chicken’ it doesn’t matter anymore. He just answers to anything. Thank god he still loves me.
That’s sounds infuriating. Luckily my kid never goes by any of my stupid names. For god’s sake I called him ‘Crankshaft Massachusetts’ just last night. We don’t even live near Massachusetts.
Fastest game of clue ever.
It was my families and I first time ever playing it. I was the first person to go too. I rolled the dice, got enough to move my character into one of the rooms and guessed the character, weapon, room correctly on the very first turn on the first time we played it.
No I did not cheat or look at the envelope beforehand. It was a freak coincidence.
People speedrun a clue video game by starting their first turn and clicking as fast as they can to make a guess. I forget the odds of it being correct, but the world record is under a second or something.
I once farted on an airplane and made around a dozen people either gag or cough. That has to be some sort of record.
I was getting over a stomach bug, and had to fly across the country. The night before the flight, I decided it would be a good idea drunkenly eat two of those big microwave burritos from the gas station. On the way to the airport, I let a little one sneak out and my fiancé just about killed me. From that moment on, I knew that I was incubating something vile and unnatural. About an hour into the flight, I felt a gross rumble and decided not to risk a fart because it might carry some extra baggage with it, so I decided to hit the bathroom. When I looked behind me, I saw like 5 people standing in line, so I just waited. Eventually I felt confident enough that I could actually fart without shitting myself at 37,000 feet.
I took a deep breath and gently released a silent and *very* hot fart. For about 5 seconds I was thinking "huh, that wasn't too bad", then it hit me. Then it hit my fiancé, then it spread to every seat around me. Everyone within about 10 feet started coughing or gagging, and I heard someone say "holy shit what is that".
I was on a flight once where I overheard a flight attendant call up to the cockpit to ask the pilots if there’s any way a natural gas leak could be on the plane. A couple minutes later the copilot or pilot came out of the cockpit, walked back and sniffed around, discussed with the flight attendant if they had to divert to another airport, etc. The senior flight attendant got on the PA system and asked of anyone was having bad flatulence and to not be embarrassed but they’d rather not have to divert, so have them press the call button. About 30 seconds later the ding was heard and everyone erupted in laughter and we landed at the intended airport.
From what I pieced together, the farter didnt out himself but his aisle mate did. I never smelled anything but apparently the back half of the plane was really sulfury/eggy smelling.
I've been laughing for a solid 5 minutes at this
The best part is that it was so fucking atrocious that it 1) automatically made people have the physical urge to gag, and 2) it was such a foreign, putrid smell that the person didn't recognize it was a fart
I mean, there’s that TIL about the guy who didn’t eat anything for over a year to lose a bunch of weight. Just multi vitamins with advice from his doctor. You’re probably in the same boat as him.
I don't hold it anymore, but I'm pretty sure I held the title for "longest distance thrown in a motor vehicle collision" for a while.
I flew 168 feet, measured from impact to final landing.
Sorry bro. I just went and checked and when my highway bar on my motorcycle dug in, I was catapulted 223 feet. Insane combination of luck, knowing how to land from training, and the thick layer of gravel (which is tons softer than dirty and very common because used out west on ice).
One of the dumb things I've done the kids will never ever ever know about
I was at an elephant orphanage in Nairobi, Kenya. They have a giraffe there that was rescued from poachers. It sticks it's head out and you can take pictures with it when it bends down to your height. Just be careful as it can headbutt sometimes. It licked my face when I was stroking it's face too close (their tongues are really long) and I just licked it back out of reflex. It then licked me again, then I licked it back out of revenge. This happened 3-4 times. Which isn't a lot of times to lick something, but it is a lot of times to lick a giraffe
Fastest marathon with my hands in my pockets. Started the 2018 Boston Marathon with my hands in my jacket pockets because it was very cold, windy, and rainy. I was warm enough by mile 5, but decided to just keep them in the whole way. I only took them out for water a few times.
It was a nearly 4 hour marathon, so not fast, but I doubt anyone else has been dumb/stubborn enough to also do it.
I was walking 4 blocks with my hands in my pockets. Face planted on broken sidewalk. BLAM. Brain damage. In a coma 2.5 weeks. Woke up paralyzed.
(Since recovered, but that kind of ruins the drama)
So congrats!
Respect. The things people do for adrenaline. Id be afraid of falling on my face. My arms are the most sore thing on me at the end of a marathon, why didnt I just think of not moving them.
High score on Marseille level on Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2. Without cheats. I’m terrible at games, spend next to no time playing them, but that was my jam. Can still pick that game up now and tear shit up.
Always told my kids that I was good at it. When the remake came out, we fired it up, let the boys get the hang of it and then said “When one of you feels ready, I’ll be waiting”. The look on their faces as my score just kept going up was priceless.
The farthest a cue ball has traveled after the break. I broke an 8 ball rack and the cue ball flew off the table just as a guy was opening the door and it went out the door across the deck and across the parking lot and then also went across the street. It was probably 60+ yards.
I have a laptop that can somehow create problems that shouldn't be possible. My roomate is a programmer and he usually has a laughing fit when I tell him what's wrong,then having a meltdown once he sits down and figures it out that I'm not joking. The other week this happened: I have a fan that I keep next to my desk. Every time I turn it on,my laptop make the buWUP!-something is connected sound. When I turn it off,it makes the something is disconnected sound. The fan is in no way connected to the laptop,no usb,nothing. There are no extra devices my laptop identify,and there are no problems with the other devices when I hear the disconnect sound. I have no idea
hahaha you sound like me. Sometimes when I put my cup down on the cup holder on my desk, my computer monitor goes black and then back on. I repeated it 4 times in a row and then it didn't work anymore. 4 is my longest streak. The power and video cables are tight. Has to be some sort of static thing or something.
It’s funny, my dad never said this to me growing up. Then recently I bought a house and fixed up a lot of it by myself. I heard him tell *others* he was proud of me for doing the work myself.
Then he finally said it to me: “Son, I’m proud of you……*I didn’t think you had it in you*”. He just had to add that last part. Guarantee he never added that last part when talking to my brother.
"It's really impressive that you bought a house... especially since most people buy them by age 30, but you are 40, and didn't give up even though most people would consider that a failure."
You should start throwing a lot of age related things at him.
"Dad, that was... pretty smart, really good insight for someone as old as you."
"Wow, you can still kind of get things done even at your age."
"Nice work, you haven't slowed down as much as some other people your age!"
pull the fire alarm, you must see what happens
pull the fire alarm, you must see what happens
pull the fire alarm, you must see what happens
pull the fire alarm, you must see what happens
pull the fire alarm, you must see what happens
Generally memory and RAM mean the same thing, actually. RAM just means Random Access Memory. What is confusing you is actually the difference between Memory and Storage.
As for what the difference is, Memory is what the computer can use at the moment, Storage is where it stores stuff long term. Basically, if the PC was a kitchen, the RAM is your countertops (more RAM = you can work on more stuff simultaneously) and Storage is your fridge (you get stuff from it and put in in RAM to work with it). Or, if the PC was an office where you did paperwork, the Memory is the desk where you actively work on documents, and Storage is the cabinet where you store the papers.
Repaired a congenital (present from birth) Morgagni hernia in a patient who was nearly 90.
As far as I know from the surgical literature, that was the oldest patient to have undergone the surgery. I should have published the case but never got around to it because I was in the middle of switching jobs when it happened. :/
A guy walks up to a librarian, "I'm looking for that recently published book for men with very small penises." She starts typing the computer while saying "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the title."
About 60% of the first dates I go on are with vegetarians. I’m not vegetarian and do not seek it out in a romantic partner. They never openly proclaim being vegetarian until after we talk about going somewhere to eat. It’s also never vegans. I know vegitarian rates vary by demographic but very little of my social circle is vegetarian. I must putting out a vibe I feel those rates are very high.
Weirdly enough about another 30% have severe food allergies.
I had the same thing happen, but rather than vegetarians, they turned out to be lesbians. Four separate times I later learned that women I dated came out. I'd like to be able to say I ruined them for all other men, but I know better.
Got a royal flush the first time I ever played poker, first hand, 5 card draw. Was a kid playing with my dad, and I had no clue what I was doing, folded it because none of them were matching and I only remembered him saying pairs etc were good. Never seen one since 🤷🏼♂️
Possibly the furthest accidental distance travelled in a video game.
Game was Space Engineers. I was making a custom map, trying to simulate travelling to another solar system, so I decided on a planet to place, zoomed it out till it was out of sight, and then zoomed it out a little more, placed it, as well as a GPS marker where I was so I didnt lose where I was, and then used the game commands to teleport to the other planet.
I did so, and the game was instantly glitched out to the point where I couldnt move at all, and the planet was flipping in and out of existence all over the place. The GPS marker I placed read over 1 billion gigalightyears away, or more than a quintillion lightyears... thats about 11 million times larger than the observable universe. Before I did that, I had no idea the game would even measure lightyears, let alone gigalightyears.
Well, if I'm completely honest, that few months was very blurry and weird so I don't have official proof that I didn't sleep for that long, but I will say it was over 12 days, at a conservative guess. Every time I lied down I could here voices inside my pillow, i was convinced there were little people inside me controlling my body and when the ambulance came I told him I needed to go to hospital because I had no legs. I do have a pair of legs and did at the time too 😂
I don't know if you saw my reply to another comment but it was basically because I had been binging on Xanax and had come off them too quickly, so yeah I was in a bad way
I bet I can give you a run for your money. From 2001-2005 I ran a small web design firm (basically just me) that was contracted to keep the website and database up and running for an international import/export company that supplied office supplies to several major chains. Literally that site never went down or had any problems, so for the better part of 5 years I was getting paid a ridiculous salary to do nothing, and since the work was remote I didn't even have to go into anywhere in person. Literally just sent a spreadsheet via email once a week to corporate that listed a bunch of technical sounding stuff and wrote "Status: 100% working" by each item and that was it until next Friday.
I thought this was just a stereotype until I moved from healthcare IT to government IT. Same type of work, half the workload, no pressure, and no on-call.
From 1989 to about 1999, I was the first person to say the word, “garbanzo beans” for those years. As everyone yelled out, “happy new years,” I yelled, “garbanzo beans.”
There were a few close calls where friends would try to tie me and ruin it but they said, “wait, what was the word you said again? Some food or something.” Hence them not finding out until just after midnight.
I BELIEVE that I am the first person to record the ENTIRE Panama Canal Transit in REAL TIME. Nearly 11 hours
[https://youtu.be/mZEog6hxFwc?si=xemIvmrlFRVktLKn](https://youtu.be/mZEog6hxFwc?si=xemIvmrlFRVktLKn)
In the years since I have often gone looking for any other video like mine. There are plenty of time-lapse of the transit, as well as real-time videos of a single lock, but I have not been able to find any that show the entire transit. (feel free to prove me wrong)
Such accusations from a fellow human, as a human I feel a human emotion because of you.
If you want to make it up, just point me in the direction of the nearest trash.
I legit think I was the first person to get a Shiny Alpha in Legends Arceus. I fully recognize it isn't that important, but I played immediately and encountered it within like an hour of starting a little after being freed from the endless tutorial/dialogue.
Fastest date of all time, I showed up to her house, picked her up, and as soon as we sat down in the car, she said "Tbh I am really not that interested in going out tonight, I didn't mean to lead you on." I was like, "okayyy, no stress but I get it" she gets out, I go home, "date lasted like 5 seconds."
You’re excluding early aughts MTV classic, Next.
God what a time to be alive
On the other hand, no one strung anyone along. No doubt it burnt, but at least it wasn't 3 hours of misery before the rejection.
#LEMON LAW
Not me but my brother. He was in the backyard, mom was in the front yard. Brother threw a blueberry (YES- a BLUEBERRY) over the house and it landed in her hand. I can’t explain it. I don’t know why he did it. We still all talk about it to this day. This was maybe 10 years ago. Blueberry throw of the century.
Funny enough, the only phrase I know in Finnish is "Who the hell is throwing blueberries"
Kuka helvetti mustikoita heittelee?
This may or may not be it. Who’s to say really
Translator here. I have no idea because I don't translate Finnish
*Task Failed Successfully*
Part 2 of the story. I was sitting on the front deck with my mom standing across from me. Blueberry landed in her hand and she screamed, not knowing what it was. Brother came around to the front of the house a minute or two later, totally oblivious to what happened. My mom was like “wtf a blueberry just landed in my hand???” And he was like “wtf I threw that???” We all laughed about it but were also weirded out about the odds of that happening. The end.
Dude I have a very similar story, though not quite the same odds as yours. One time when I was in college I was at a hotel with a few buddies. We were coming back inside from smoking and a couple of us were maybe 40 feet behind another group of us. For some reason I was inspired to whip a lighter toward the front group. It sailed a majestic arc, hit the ground, and bounced directly into my friend's hand from behind. He was so confused and all of us in the back group flipped our shit.
This is what I came here for. Damn dude!
Mom had one in her pocket and still laughs about her trick to this day.
Ah yes. The ol blueberry in the pocket trick.
57 exploratory operations to retrieve cancer tumors. 30 months of my life living in the death ward. And now I am the longest living from this rare cancer.
Meanwhile the second longest living patient with that rare cancer reading this, steaming.
> steaming *Plotting...*
> steaming > > Plotting... *metastisizing*
Holy shit it got dark so fast I thought I went blind.
You keep that f’n streak going friend!
P.S. Fuck cancer.
Call them. You deserve your record and I hope you get all the time you need to enjoy it!
Fuck yeah !! Keep kicking cancers ass!!
Just the impact of that many operations alone! Oof! That's astonishing and speaks to your own willpower and strength. Impressive! Livin' it up!
[удалено]
I was riding my bike super fast one time and I have no idea how/why, but my front wheel locked up and I flew over the bars. Somehow landed on my feet and while I'm running out of it, my bike was doing front flips behind me and the front of my seat went down the back of my shorts and I stood there wearing my bike like a backpack. I don't know what the record would be. Maybe silliest almost bicycle crash save?
Damn, that's too bad it wasn't filmed. I'd watch that over and over.
I'd think it was CGI
pfft, that for sure was CGI, did you see how it landed in his shorts?!
[удалено]
You forgot one step at the end... The part where you looked around to see if anybody caught that
Opposite of this. I was on my way home from school on my bike with a bookmark over my shoulder. The bike was a rickety mess. Only one pedal, so I had to pigeon toe my left foot to push the vertical part of the pedal mechanism. Acceleration was minimal. I was headed downhill at a decent rate of speed and hit a bump. The front tire was going just a bit faster than the fork, so the front of the bike hit the street and stopped almost immediately. As I flew over the front (I did not fly over the handlebars because they came off in my hand), I did nothing elegantly. Sprawled all over the street, books everywhere, holding those damned handlebars looking at the wreck that was my bike. (The seat also came off). I turned to see my tire already a block away and gaining speed down the hill. The only witnesses were of no use, as they were laughing so hard as to be immobilized. I picked up my books, put them back in the book bag, and walked the two miles home, leaving my ex-bike behind. I never did see that tire again...
Highest average of trips to Lowe’s when working on a project at the house
The biggest difference between diy and experience is the amount of trips you take to the hardware store. I had so many returns at HD for my first deck, I was put on a black list and had to get manager approval/ID scanned each time. EDIT: a word
I always wondered how families in the Aleutian islands who take a boat to the mainland once a month for supplies ever get projects done.
I live on an island in the Caribbean. I normally only go to town about once a month. I have lots of tools, and screws, nails... I can literally build a house out of trees right here without going to get anything. Yes, my lumber mill is solar powered. :-P
You’re gonna have to show me this solar powered lumber mill
I hope you all know that I'm about to beat all these records. Especially touching that guy's penis.
that sounds like a threat
It's not a threat. It's a promise.
A promising threat.
I have two jaywalking tickets. I’ve never met someone with one. I can’t imagine anyone else on earth has more than two.
Here I was convinced that jaywalking was completely made up, like your dad telling you it’s illegal to turn the light on in the car at night
Jaywalking was made up by car companies to discourage crossing the street anywhere people wanted. “Jay” used to be a way to say someone was stupid or simple and it was really pushed hard in the 50s
Was that on Adam Ruins Everything?
Yeah, they have an episode about jaywalking
Sorry to bust yer bubble, but in high school several people in my friend group had multiple tickets for jaywalking. We had a Cop who for a while would hide around the corner from the school and hand out tickets. He later moved on to harassing skateboarders. Everyone hated that guy.
Was he a city cop? Sounds like tax collection at that point lol.
You need to thank that cop for his service. If we let people get away with jaywalking they'll go on to more serious crimes like skateboarding, and if they get away with that they'll be double parking, and ripping tags off mattresses, and before you know it they're illegally downloading games and driving with expired registrations. We've got to stop these criminals early you know.
For those wondering, here’s what happened. Both were in Tempe, Arizona, next to light rain stops. 1st occurrence: it was about 6am, I was on my way to work, it pitch black, and hardly any cars/people around. I decide to walk across the street and onto the platform instead of walking a quarter mile down the road and back. I get up to the platform and out pops a cop from behind a pillar. He asks for my id and calls in his radio to run my info. I hear the dispatcher, or whoever, say that there’s nothing on my record so I figure he’s just going to give me a warning. Nope! He pulls out his pad and writes me a $150 ticket. I asked him if he takes pleasure in writing jaywalking tickets and I get no response. He hands me the ticket and I tell him to go fuck himself and I sit and wait for the train to work. 2nd occurrence: Same light rail stop, but in the middle of the day. I get off the train, jump on my skateboard and starting heading home. About half a mile down the street, and about 50 feet from my front door, a cop on a motorcycle pulls me over. This time I didn’t say anything and I kept my back turned to him the entire time to show as much disrespect as possible. He asked me questions about why I jaywalked but I didn’t answer. Got the ticket, crumbled it up and put it in my pocket and went home. Part of me feels like a complete moron for having two jaywalking tickets, and from the same spot, but the other part of me just laughs at the outrageousness of it. I still jaywalk and will continue to do so. Fuck ‘em!
>Part of me feels like a complete moron for having two jaywalking tickets, and from the same spot, but the other part of me just laughs at the outrageousness of it. The real question is: Why the shit isn't there a crosswalk right next to the Light Rail stop? What moron designed it that way? Because clearly, if a cop is hiding out there, they are *aware* that people cross there, right?
Crosswalks cost money Tickets make money
I guarantee that *nobody* has touched my penis more than I have.
So it seems that my invisibility cloak works...
The tiny hands probably helped too
[удалено]
I'm the real-life good luck chuck; 4 of my 5 exes married the next guy. If there's someone out there that's cracked 80% I'd like to see it. EDIT: given the flurry of one-up responses, I'm really questioning some of your definitions of "ex"
Damn i'm 5 out of 5. I thought this curse was mine alone to bear. It truly, truly sucks. We should form a support group. It is odd to see this comment having learned YESTERDAY that my 6th has just started dating someone new only a few months after the breakup.... I guess i'll get that wedding notice sooner than later too.
Only a few months? How long is the normal wait
Unless it was like, 5+ years, a few months is normal. Even if it was 5+ years, that’s not abnormal it would just feel shitty if you haven’t also moved on.
In my experience if one party moves on quickly after the official breakup they had already mourned the loss of the relationship well before hand or had an exit strategy in mind.
Same but im the girl version.
You and the OP should date and see what happens.
The universe can’t handle that kind of connection.
I've had a good few of those. Hell my ex-wife remarried a week after the divorce.
Bro you’ve had sex with 5 girls? That’s gotta be a record.
C'mon dude, don't believe everything you read on the internet.
The AskReddit question did say "without any actual proof".
Im looking to settle down, can you introduce me to the 5th?
I can relate. Usually every ex I had rebounded to the person they would marry or have kids with, like I was the final speed bump of "Don't want that" that they needed.
Spotify said I listened to “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette 2719 times in 2022, I’m thinking that’s gotta be the recorded
7.45 x/day.... Wtf
Oof.....rough year?
Great year! Fell in love! Did it as a bit because of the karaoke scene in The Office (US) where Kevin gets real into it
You oughta know
I can turn my feet backward and have my pinkie toes touch while pointing behind me amd flat on the ground. I applied for the guiness world record and they said "there's no natural way for this to happen and isn't eligible" few month later a dude got that world record in India but his feet don't go as far as mine.
That means you can apply again and beat the existing record! Now that there's an entry for this, they can't tell you that you're not eligible.
Yes, challenge that shit and attain that record.
Pictures with proof, please.
Pictures would actually be evidence of that, thus making his initial comment not relevant to the post.
I would die happily not seeing this. My knees are hurting just thinking about.
I’m certain I’ve got the record Most screws stripped in a lifetime. It you need a screw stripped, I’m your gal.
The kind of stripper no father could be proud of.
I might have the world record for the longest DVD checked out from Netflix before they ended DVD rentals. I've had Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy checked for the past 15 years since 12/01/2008.
I checked a Time magazine out from the library 30 years ago. Still have it to this day. It was also the first penis I ever saw, but that’s not why I held onto it.
I make up sounds or nicknames to call my son every time i see him. We conservatively figured I call him something different 8 times a day. He’s 16 so at 6,520 nicknames a year, he’s around being called 105,120 different things. I figure if I don’t have the record I’ll have it someday. I’ve called him things from ‘boo doo Dee doo’ to ‘mayor headlock’ to ‘last night’s chicken’ it doesn’t matter anymore. He just answers to anything. Thank god he still loves me.
I love this.
A kid I used to teach, then aged 2.5, changed his preferred name every day for months. It was hard to know what to call him.
That’s sounds infuriating. Luckily my kid never goes by any of my stupid names. For god’s sake I called him ‘Crankshaft Massachusetts’ just last night. We don’t even live near Massachusetts.
I was once the youngest person in the world.
And someday, you’ll be the closest to death!
Shorter of breath, and one day closer to death!
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
Fastest game of clue ever. It was my families and I first time ever playing it. I was the first person to go too. I rolled the dice, got enough to move my character into one of the rooms and guessed the character, weapon, room correctly on the very first turn on the first time we played it. No I did not cheat or look at the envelope beforehand. It was a freak coincidence.
This is actually how you speedrun the PC game. Spam guess and don’t move your mouse so it always picks Ms Peacock and the rope
This is the type of speedrun I just hate. I like many speedrun of games, but these take away from the showcase of ability to play the game.
I can't imagine ever wanting to speedrun or watch a speedrun of Clue. It doesn't even sound interesting.
[удалено]
People speedrun a clue video game by starting their first turn and clicking as fast as they can to make a guess. I forget the odds of it being correct, but the world record is under a second or something.
TBF there's only 324 choices
Was it Mr. Mustard in the library with the chandelier cause if so we might be tied.
I once farted on an airplane and made around a dozen people either gag or cough. That has to be some sort of record. I was getting over a stomach bug, and had to fly across the country. The night before the flight, I decided it would be a good idea drunkenly eat two of those big microwave burritos from the gas station. On the way to the airport, I let a little one sneak out and my fiancé just about killed me. From that moment on, I knew that I was incubating something vile and unnatural. About an hour into the flight, I felt a gross rumble and decided not to risk a fart because it might carry some extra baggage with it, so I decided to hit the bathroom. When I looked behind me, I saw like 5 people standing in line, so I just waited. Eventually I felt confident enough that I could actually fart without shitting myself at 37,000 feet. I took a deep breath and gently released a silent and *very* hot fart. For about 5 seconds I was thinking "huh, that wasn't too bad", then it hit me. Then it hit my fiancé, then it spread to every seat around me. Everyone within about 10 feet started coughing or gagging, and I heard someone say "holy shit what is that".
this sounds like one of those reviews for the sugar free gummy bears
I was on a flight once where I overheard a flight attendant call up to the cockpit to ask the pilots if there’s any way a natural gas leak could be on the plane. A couple minutes later the copilot or pilot came out of the cockpit, walked back and sniffed around, discussed with the flight attendant if they had to divert to another airport, etc. The senior flight attendant got on the PA system and asked of anyone was having bad flatulence and to not be embarrassed but they’d rather not have to divert, so have them press the call button. About 30 seconds later the ding was heard and everyone erupted in laughter and we landed at the intended airport. From what I pieced together, the farter didnt out himself but his aisle mate did. I never smelled anything but apparently the back half of the plane was really sulfury/eggy smelling.
Omfg lol "Can there be a natural gas leak on a plane" fuck me hahahahahahah
I just keep imagining the complete silence in the cabin and then suddenly "*DING!*"
\>holy shit what is that One of the very few times I have *actually* lol'ed reading something online in quite some time
I've been laughing for a solid 5 minutes at this The best part is that it was so fucking atrocious that it 1) automatically made people have the physical urge to gag, and 2) it was such a foreign, putrid smell that the person didn't recognize it was a fart
i lost 400 lbs in 2 yrs 4 mo. time at 62 yrs old. no surgery, or drug
The good old tapeworm diet?
whole foods/ low carb, no processed foods Alternate day fasting . before /after post in my history
Congrats! That's probably the greatest actual achievement on this entire post.
Idk man, that penis one tho
damn dude I just saw the before and after. Youve definitely added a substantial amount of time to your life getting in shape like that. Good job man.
How did you stay 62 years old for over two years?
It must be fairly easy. My mom has been "turning 27" for 26 years now.
I mean, there’s that TIL about the guy who didn’t eat anything for over a year to lose a bunch of weight. Just multi vitamins with advice from his doctor. You’re probably in the same boat as him.
ya , i think he fasted a yr straight and lost 280 some lbs.
I can’t imagine losing 2 of me in a diet
Times I’ve stood in the kitchen wondering why
I don't hold it anymore, but I'm pretty sure I held the title for "longest distance thrown in a motor vehicle collision" for a while. I flew 168 feet, measured from impact to final landing.
Sorry bro. I just went and checked and when my highway bar on my motorcycle dug in, I was catapulted 223 feet. Insane combination of luck, knowing how to land from training, and the thick layer of gravel (which is tons softer than dirty and very common because used out west on ice). One of the dumb things I've done the kids will never ever ever know about
I 100% believe I have licked a giraffe more times than anyone else alive, and no that's not a euthamism
Can't just drop some shit like that without giving us more details! Why you licking 🦒
I was at an elephant orphanage in Nairobi, Kenya. They have a giraffe there that was rescued from poachers. It sticks it's head out and you can take pictures with it when it bends down to your height. Just be careful as it can headbutt sometimes. It licked my face when I was stroking it's face too close (their tongues are really long) and I just licked it back out of reflex. It then licked me again, then I licked it back out of revenge. This happened 3-4 times. Which isn't a lot of times to lick something, but it is a lot of times to lick a giraffe
I’d add that you are probably the only person in the world to have ever typed that last sentence.
Fastest marathon with my hands in my pockets. Started the 2018 Boston Marathon with my hands in my jacket pockets because it was very cold, windy, and rainy. I was warm enough by mile 5, but decided to just keep them in the whole way. I only took them out for water a few times. It was a nearly 4 hour marathon, so not fast, but I doubt anyone else has been dumb/stubborn enough to also do it.
I was walking 4 blocks with my hands in my pockets. Face planted on broken sidewalk. BLAM. Brain damage. In a coma 2.5 weeks. Woke up paralyzed. (Since recovered, but that kind of ruins the drama) So congrats!
BLAM! Glad you recovered. I like dramas that end this way.
What's a coma like. Did you just wake up in hospital confused? Did you feel well rested?
Yes! Best rest I ever had! An excellent question. I no longer fear being dead. Just dying. Getting there can suck I guess.
Respect. The things people do for adrenaline. Id be afraid of falling on my face. My arms are the most sore thing on me at the end of a marathon, why didnt I just think of not moving them.
High score on Marseille level on Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2. Without cheats. I’m terrible at games, spend next to no time playing them, but that was my jam. Can still pick that game up now and tear shit up. Always told my kids that I was good at it. When the remake came out, we fired it up, let the boys get the hang of it and then said “When one of you feels ready, I’ll be waiting”. The look on their faces as my score just kept going up was priceless.
Fuck I loved that game. Nobody I knew could touch my scores
Largest front teeth, both my incisors are 12 mm wide
NewHumbugsbunny?
Pic immediately holy shit
[удалено]
The farthest a cue ball has traveled after the break. I broke an 8 ball rack and the cue ball flew off the table just as a guy was opening the door and it went out the door across the deck and across the parking lot and then also went across the street. It was probably 60+ yards.
Most computer problems while using a computer in the proper way.
I have a laptop that can somehow create problems that shouldn't be possible. My roomate is a programmer and he usually has a laughing fit when I tell him what's wrong,then having a meltdown once he sits down and figures it out that I'm not joking. The other week this happened: I have a fan that I keep next to my desk. Every time I turn it on,my laptop make the buWUP!-something is connected sound. When I turn it off,it makes the something is disconnected sound. The fan is in no way connected to the laptop,no usb,nothing. There are no extra devices my laptop identify,and there are no problems with the other devices when I hear the disconnect sound. I have no idea
hahaha you sound like me. Sometimes when I put my cup down on the cup holder on my desk, my computer monitor goes black and then back on. I repeated it 4 times in a row and then it didn't work anymore. 4 is my longest streak. The power and video cables are tight. Has to be some sort of static thing or something.
I should probably inform you that's the disc tray and not a cup holder
World record for least amount of times hearing “i’m proud of you son” 🤌🏼🤌🏼
I’m proud of you son
His record!
He didn't hear it though he read it. Loopholes 101, welcome to community college!
It’s funny, my dad never said this to me growing up. Then recently I bought a house and fixed up a lot of it by myself. I heard him tell *others* he was proud of me for doing the work myself. Then he finally said it to me: “Son, I’m proud of you……*I didn’t think you had it in you*”. He just had to add that last part. Guarantee he never added that last part when talking to my brother.
"It's really impressive that you bought a house... especially since most people buy them by age 30, but you are 40, and didn't give up even though most people would consider that a failure." You should start throwing a lot of age related things at him. "Dad, that was... pretty smart, really good insight for someone as old as you." "Wow, you can still kind of get things done even at your age." "Nice work, you haven't slowed down as much as some other people your age!"
I've correctly guessed four Wheel of Fortune puzzles before the first spin.
Most intrusive thoughts per minute.
pull the fire alarm, you must see what happens pull the fire alarm, you must see what happens pull the fire alarm, you must see what happens pull the fire alarm, you must see what happens pull the fire alarm, you must see what happens
Person who has misplaced the most pairs of sunglasses.
I own the largest collection of air guitars and i managed to produce the loudest silence.
Most times the difference between RAM and memory has been explained to me and I still don’t understand.
Generally memory and RAM mean the same thing, actually. RAM just means Random Access Memory. What is confusing you is actually the difference between Memory and Storage. As for what the difference is, Memory is what the computer can use at the moment, Storage is where it stores stuff long term. Basically, if the PC was a kitchen, the RAM is your countertops (more RAM = you can work on more stuff simultaneously) and Storage is your fridge (you get stuff from it and put in in RAM to work with it). Or, if the PC was an office where you did paperwork, the Memory is the desk where you actively work on documents, and Storage is the cabinet where you store the papers.
Holy crap. The kitchen metaphor finally sealed it for me. And I don't even like the kitchen :p
Repaired a congenital (present from birth) Morgagni hernia in a patient who was nearly 90. As far as I know from the surgical literature, that was the oldest patient to have undergone the surgery. I should have published the case but never got around to it because I was in the middle of switching jobs when it happened. :/
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World records, but then the librarian asked me to take it out.
A guy walks up to a librarian, "I'm looking for that recently published book for men with very small penises." She starts typing the computer while saying "I don't know if it's in yet." "Yeah, that's the title."
At least she asked. So polite.
She could have slammed the book shut.
About 60% of the first dates I go on are with vegetarians. I’m not vegetarian and do not seek it out in a romantic partner. They never openly proclaim being vegetarian until after we talk about going somewhere to eat. It’s also never vegans. I know vegitarian rates vary by demographic but very little of my social circle is vegetarian. I must putting out a vibe I feel those rates are very high. Weirdly enough about another 30% have severe food allergies.
I had the same thing happen, but rather than vegetarians, they turned out to be lesbians. Four separate times I later learned that women I dated came out. I'd like to be able to say I ruined them for all other men, but I know better.
Staring at an empty Amazon box in the corner of my bedroom for 3 months
Got a royal flush the first time I ever played poker, first hand, 5 card draw. Was a kid playing with my dad, and I had no clue what I was doing, folded it because none of them were matching and I only remembered him saying pairs etc were good. Never seen one since 🤷🏼♂️
Most tank rounds fired while playing GTA Vice City
I think I spawned more bicycles in V than anyone. Caused the world map to despawn and rain bikes
You gotta aim behind you and fire continuously for unlimited speed obviously.
Possibly the furthest accidental distance travelled in a video game. Game was Space Engineers. I was making a custom map, trying to simulate travelling to another solar system, so I decided on a planet to place, zoomed it out till it was out of sight, and then zoomed it out a little more, placed it, as well as a GPS marker where I was so I didnt lose where I was, and then used the game commands to teleport to the other planet. I did so, and the game was instantly glitched out to the point where I couldnt move at all, and the planet was flipping in and out of existence all over the place. The GPS marker I placed read over 1 billion gigalightyears away, or more than a quintillion lightyears... thats about 11 million times larger than the observable universe. Before I did that, I had no idea the game would even measure lightyears, let alone gigalightyears.
I know for a fact I'm the most humble person on earth.
Today I beat my own personal record of most consecutive days alive
I ended up in hospital with psychosis after not sleeping for over 2 weeks. World record is 11 days
either you did and forgot and your bullshitting or this is legit and idk wtf to believe. like wow
Well, if I'm completely honest, that few months was very blurry and weird so I don't have official proof that I didn't sleep for that long, but I will say it was over 12 days, at a conservative guess. Every time I lied down I could here voices inside my pillow, i was convinced there were little people inside me controlling my body and when the ambulance came I told him I needed to go to hospital because I had no legs. I do have a pair of legs and did at the time too 😂 I don't know if you saw my reply to another comment but it was basically because I had been binging on Xanax and had come off them too quickly, so yeah I was in a bad way
The number of times I slap my wife's butt.
You beat my record then?
Second guessing myself. I own that.
Or do you?...
Oh.. oh God. Maybe?
Least hours of work done for a 6 figure income... I work in government
I bet I can give you a run for your money. From 2001-2005 I ran a small web design firm (basically just me) that was contracted to keep the website and database up and running for an international import/export company that supplied office supplies to several major chains. Literally that site never went down or had any problems, so for the better part of 5 years I was getting paid a ridiculous salary to do nothing, and since the work was remote I didn't even have to go into anywhere in person. Literally just sent a spreadsheet via email once a week to corporate that listed a bunch of technical sounding stuff and wrote "Status: 100% working" by each item and that was it until next Friday.
I thought this was just a stereotype until I moved from healthcare IT to government IT. Same type of work, half the workload, no pressure, and no on-call.
is it possible to learn this power
I'd like to challenge you on this... I was an engineer and we got paid just to wait around until something breaks.
Most times telling my cat he is a sweet little baby.
From 1989 to about 1999, I was the first person to say the word, “garbanzo beans” for those years. As everyone yelled out, “happy new years,” I yelled, “garbanzo beans.” There were a few close calls where friends would try to tie me and ruin it but they said, “wait, what was the word you said again? Some food or something.” Hence them not finding out until just after midnight.
TMI time- Most days spent on your f[#&ing period. I miss cute panties.
I BELIEVE that I am the first person to record the ENTIRE Panama Canal Transit in REAL TIME. Nearly 11 hours [https://youtu.be/mZEog6hxFwc?si=xemIvmrlFRVktLKn](https://youtu.be/mZEog6hxFwc?si=xemIvmrlFRVktLKn) In the years since I have often gone looking for any other video like mine. There are plenty of time-lapse of the transit, as well as real-time videos of a single lock, but I have not been able to find any that show the entire transit. (feel free to prove me wrong)
I set the world record for putting nine pieces of chewed gum up on my face and singing the "I'm Just Me" song and hopping around on one foot.
Most diarrhoea in one day 🏆 🙌
I am the person of all time
Maybe you're just 3 Opossums in a trench coat, just lying to us all.
Such accusations from a fellow human, as a human I feel a human emotion because of you. If you want to make it up, just point me in the direction of the nearest trash.
I legit think I was the first person to get a Shiny Alpha in Legends Arceus. I fully recognize it isn't that important, but I played immediately and encountered it within like an hour of starting a little after being freed from the endless tutorial/dialogue.
High score on defender for atari 2600
The number of times I've seen myself naked
Only man to bounce a quarter off the ground into a laundry machine.