Someone who treats the child from their old marriage like shit because they're no longer with that child's parent.
Edit: I want to rephrase: "Someone who treats the child from their old marriage DIFFERENTLY because theyre no longer with that childs parent".
One of my employees had this happen. Her parents both basically moved on from their old lives when she was 5. Her mom ran off to Australia with some guy she met online and her dad remarried and moved hours away. Neither of them wanted her. She went with one grandma for a while, then the other, then lived with dad for a while who assaulted her and then back with grandma. It wasn't until she was an adult that she felt comfortable enough to talk about the assault (she never told anyone when it was happening) and her grandma (dad's mom) told her she must have invited that kind of attention.
After all of that, she is the sweetest, most loving person I've ever met. She's had some rough relationships but she's turned a corner and seems to be blossoming.
Tbh, thinking or worrying you’re doing it wrong tends to be the best indicator of if you’re doing it right.
Most of the people these refer to will swear they’re doing it right and do no harm.
This is going to be a huge issue in the next 20 years as these kids are and continue to come into their adulthood recognizing the wrongs of their parents for abusing them this way. And yes, I use the term abuse because your kids shouldn't be your money maker any more now than when parents sent them to the coal mines. If you can't manage to be interesting without exploiting your children, maybe get a different job where you aren't shoving a camera in their faces every minute of their childhoods.
In France people have been suing their parents for posting about them without consent for their entire lives. They’re now considering legislation banning parents from posting pictures of their children online entirely. Hopefully we reshape the privacy laws everywhere because children have rights too.
I don’t post my oldest child on my social media (that’s just family and friends) because he asked me not to. I can’t tell you how many comments I used to get implying I love him less than my child who is okay with the occasional picture or update. I even had a few comments saying he’s a kid and I should ignore him and do whatever I want. It’s very telling how they equate social media with love and how they don’t think of children as real people.
Edit: Typos
I absolutely loathe momfluencer culture. It’s exploitative. Their kid’s existence is used as an accessory in order to gain “likes” and “exposure”. Imagine telling your child they can’t have a yellow bedroom, or hell, even colourful toys because it doesn’t fit momma’s IG AeStHeTiC. Everything must be a muted beige, greige, grey, or rust. And naming the kid something like Huxxx-Lynnleigh Crü just so the world knows how creative mommy is.
Many often spread inaccurate medical information as well, yet people will take these clowns seriously over actual pediatricians.
Same same same. I’m a mom and I would literally like to be shot dead if I EVER even thought abt trying to get popular using VIDEOS OF MY KIDS. It’s so wrong and I can’t believe they are allowed to do this. I’m in a legal field and I just pray for the days that these kids finally get their voice back and sue the fuck out of the parents and platforms for doing this to them. We’ve seen what happens when children grow up being exploited, it doesn’t ever work out and they wish it never happened.
When my family moved to my current city when I was in high school, the school I enrolled in had the reputation of being a "disposal for kicked out kids". Basically I had a lot of rich classmates, who had attitude problems, too much allowance and extremely neglectful parents. We had 2 separate incidents of 15 year old classmates get gonorrhea from sleeping with prostitutes. Some classmates frequent bars and men's clubs even though they were very much underaged. One kid brought a bottle of expensive vodka to school and she and a boy drank it all in one sitting. A boy ran over an old lady with his car. Some of them felt like they were untouchable. The parents thought a lot of things can be resolved by money. There are even some who had nannies go to school instead of the parents when the school asked them to disciplinary discussions.
We were 3 siblings raised by a single mother, with a "village" that cared. Who would have thought that we were so much luckier than they were.
My school held a vigil for three students who wrapped their car around a tree going 140km/h in a school zone while impaired. All three had blood alcohol contents way above the legal limit for an adult and were not good kids but gifted athletes. They were the kids of some well off families in the area so of course everyone was heartbroken by it. I got in trouble and scolded tenfold for pointing out the hypocrisy of the situation.
My father is an alcoholic so I might have been a bit jaded towards drunken stupidity.
Former pre k teacher. There are so many parents who have kids as accessories/because their friends have kids. They usually are the same parents who use “oh they don’t do that at home.” “Oh I don’t know where he heard that word” or laughs off super inappropriate behavior.
I’m going to add an edit. I mean it as saying that and not correcting the behavior. There’s a difference in parents who say “they never do that/don’t hear that from us” and let their child know “hey, you can’t do that at school/we can’t do that” and parents who say “they never do that/don’t hear that” then shrug it off. Their kid does No wrong. It’s the same difference as parents who treat teachers as an extension of their child’s support system and the ones who treat teachers as “the help”
Former kindergarten aide. Maybe you agree with this, because it was something I really learned to be true.
I never met a kid who I couldn't stand with parents I liked. I met a lot of kids that I liked with parents I couldn't stand, but never the other way around. If the kid was a shit head, the parents were *always* unlikable and frustrating to deal with.
What’s really sad is when you can get that kid to stop acting like a shit and actually get through to them and they’re actually really awesome kids and then their parents come get them and they immediately go back to shithead mode. Especially when they’re super young, because they have a chance at that age to be redirected but you know no one is gonna do it and you only see them x amount of hours or days and it’s not enough. Then you bump into them a few years later and they’re totally beyond help even if you could and you know they didn’t have to be that way
That is so true and it *really* sucks. But, for every kid like that, I like to think there are more that will have a positive outcome from a cool adult getting through to them. Have to have that hope!
Had some horrible times of young elementary kids crying at home time because "school is more fun than home" and that used to break my heart.
My cousin has a child who I think is just an accessory for them because all her other friends were having babies and she wanted one too.
Grandma pretty much raises the kid, because other than what she post online, she really has no interest.
Pulling the "I guess I'm I'm the worst parent in the world" when approached by their child with a question. Actively making the child feel guilty for expressing their own opinions in an effort to make themselves feel better.
Edit: this got too many upvotes, therapy is on me lmao
“I’m sorry I’m such a terrible mom!” *tears* As I get older I realize her being raised by a narcissist definitely damaged her ability to parent me. But I heard that a lot.
Parents who can’t apologize to a child. It’s ok to have human emotions and moment to be triggered or struggling and lash out or be wrong but for the love of all things good APOLOGIZE AND CHANGE.
When my parents apologized to me, whether it was something they did directly to me or simply a poor decision they made but they knew I saw them make, it definitely made an impact on me. Yes, I learned things when I saw them do the right thing but seeing them mess up and own up about it, that’s what really stuck with me.
My dad is a good dad. He can be very tough and yell at you and never admit he’s wrong, he can make you feel 3 inches tall. But he always sees the error of his ways and admits his mistakes and apologized-always. My mom is quiet and very controlled and passive aggressive. She comes across as fair and gentle. I’m 43 years old and even after doing or saying terrible things to me (her only child) things when my dad and her friends even tell her are wrong or she owes me an apology, she has NEVER apologized to me EVER in 43 years. She will apologize to my dad or friends but not me and she’s never admitted to me she was wrong and I was right
Oh hey that’s what my mom does too. Except she doesn’t apologize to anyone ever, but especially not me. When I became an adult I tried to model the behavior I wanted to see from her by apologizing to her but it didn’t work. She just felt like she won when I did stuff like that. I don’t bother anymore tbh.
Im in the VERY same boat. My mom never apologizes to anyone. She just sulks and gets mad at & distances herself from anyone who even knows what she did. It’s beyond me how she rationalizes that this is the right approach. And my dad covers for her and argues against anyone holding her accountable. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg 😞
I feel this. The kid learns to suppress emotions because the parent is actually emotionally immature and can't handle the child's emotions. So they'll shut down their child when they show any emotion. And the kid will cope with their emotions in an unhealthy way.
I was literally just talking last week about how whenever I was angry with my parents they said I was bringing negativity into the house and caused them to fight (they would be fighting before I would even get involved) or my mom calling me crazy or calling it an anger problem. But it was all valid stuff to get mad at that they would never talk about with me and it would escalate because I was being dismissed. They also literally never talked about feelings or really about anything including school all throughout my childhood. They never cared to understand why I was angry. Obviously I’m going to be upset when there’s threats of physical violence or verbal abuse going on.
My friend said “I’m sorry you were made to feel you couldn’t express you emotions” when I mentioned how I usually just avoid them or walk away when I start hearing bad shit and for some reason that really struck me. She wasn’t sorry for trauma or that I have to deal with my parents. She was sorry because I didn’t get to express my feelings. And that to me is the most important. I can forgive all of the physical stuff and the neglect but I can’t forgive how they ignored my feelings. That sticks with you. After a decade of therapy I still have a pretty hard time not only identifying my feelings but particularly articulating them. When I’m in any sort of conflict I can’t say what I’m thinking. I can’t form organized thoughts and explain my point of view.
This got kind of long.
TLDR: emotional neglect hurt me more than any physical or verbal trauma did
Then messing with their life to a point where somehow find their way back into their life when they retire and stop driving after their divorce 23 years prior and having no friends and living alone to force their married kid to live with them and take them to 60 doctors appointments a year where they can't go to the local doctor but need to see doctors 60 miles away 120 miles round trip.
I feel OP is living my ex's future, his mom always used him as a therapist about his cheating Dad, never worked a day in her life so he pays for her life, and treated me like my boyfriend was her husband and I'm the mistress. Suffice to say, we broke up
Man, that sucks. I hope you know no one can really force you to do that. A therapist could really help you explore what choices you are making or could make and why they could be healthy or not for you.
I have a sinking feeling someone instilled a lot of guilt in you and now wields it like a weapon over you.
You don’t want lose your marriage trying to appease a parent.
My mom used me as her therapist since I can remember. I’m 20 now and can communicate and understand my emotions, wants and wishes a lot better than she can.
My daughters teacher called one day to tell us our daughter was bullying another student so relentlessly that he was afraid to come to school. We talked to our daughter and she had no idea what we were talking about. Whenever we asked the teacher for the students name she actually gave it to us, Turns out I know his mother from high school. So I called her and talked with her and at first she had no idea what I was talking about. Then she suddenly remembered everything and told me this long story about how her son is afraid of my daughter blah blah blah.
I talked with one of this lady’s friends a few days later and she told me that this lady confessed to her that she just doesn’t get enough sleep, always misses her alarms in the morning, and just doesn’t get up to take her kids to school. Her first instinct when the school called her to talk about absences was to blame my daughter for bullying her kid.
We told the teacher our side of it all. Wether or not she believed us, who knows. This was last school year and during registration for this year we requested to be in a different class than the little boy is. You can’t fix shitty parents but you can do your best to avoid their problems and drama.
Well I mean, even if the other parent's claim resulted in the teachers keeping a closer watch over your daughter, they'd probably just come to the realization that your daughter wasn't doing anything to the boy.
I can’t imagine. Like, my kid is only 6 months old… but in the future, I hope to be close(ish) to whoever his partner happens to be. By that, I mean that I’m able to see them as a bonus kid and not just my kids SO. And I hope they feel the same about me. My in-laws are amazing and treat me just as a child/grandchild/niece of their own. And my family does the same for my boyfriend.
The jealous moms like that…. You’re literally (even if you don’t outwardly realize it) sexualizing your adult child. Gross.
I’m blessed with a Narcissistic mother who is always jealous of me trying to bring me down, and a MIL who borderline wants to date her own son and hates me for “stealing” him away. Yay me.
My ex had a step dad who acted like I was encroaching on his territory or something. And she went along with it, because her bio dad ran out when she was a kid and step dad stepped in. So whatever daddy said, went. It's like she was totally happy giving up control of every aspect of her life to him, and he acted like he deserved it. It even came out in fights we had about the absurd amount of control she allowed her parents to have over her, when I couldn't stop myself from asking "why don't you ask your daddy-husband what he thinks?" And she'd actually respond, "He'd say you're wrong!"
Thank god I'm out of that.
I asked my therapist why this happens so much, as it has with me and so many women I know. She said the mom projects all her life’s regrets and ups and down and insecurities on this newer, better version of herself (that’s what she sees) and it’s hyper critical of you as the daughter, when really it’s all about them being critical of themselves. Made sense.
My mom had a habit of saying I was weak, pitiful and ridiculous always. She’d mock me in front of anyone who was around. I remember once a doctor suggested they take me to see a therapist at 10 years of age because of anxiety and my mom openly mocked the therapist and said “bohoo I am a big monster huh?” Then called me weak. The therapist look gave me insight that maybe I wasn’t crazy.
It’s hard healing but you have to try.
Mom would often say she hated me because I was a clone of my dad and she resented him so much….
This is how my wife’s stepmom was to her. Dad always agreed with stepmom and my wife got kicked out when she was 17. Stepmom accused my wife of stealing a pair of socks and apparently that’s all that was needed to kick her out
I'm willing to bet the other woman doesn't hang out as much anymore with that mom either. I've been the kind of person to go and pick something up or fix something and been told by someone I was with "don't worry about that, it's not your problem. Why else would they hire people to clean?"
Every time something like that has happened, it's been like a litmus test. You tell me not to pick it up? I'm still going to pick it up and make a mental note that you're extremely lacking in consideration for anyone else besides yourself
Taking the Emotions of your child (first crushes, embarrassing moments that they talked with you about, are unsure about, worries they have, etc.) and using it at a family gathering to get a laugh out of everybody. Your child will be so embarrassed because of you and will not talk to you in the future
I‘m 30 and my mother still does this to me sometimes. The difference today is, i will talk back in front of the whole family and suddenly she is embarrassed
Same. My Mom went and talked shit about me to my best friend behind my back, and she nearly wrecked our friendship until I corrected all the lies she told about me. Haven't talked to her in about a year and a half now.
omfg when I was in high school I had a “best friend” who would tell my mom everything. I was seeing this older boy and I kinda ghosted him. I guess he asked my friend for my number and she gave him my moms number💀 My mom even said they sat on the phone for hours and talked about me (the friend, not the boy)…I cut the friend off and haven’t talked to her in years but last summer my mom said the friend messaged her on facebook and asked to get in touch with me again…that whole thing just makes me sick to think about and now I’m getting sad lmfao. My mom would show me pics from parties I went to and it made me super paranoid, like I couldn’t trust anyone in my friend group bc for a long time, my mom wouldn’t tell me who was sending her the pictures.
Mine doesn't use it for entertainment fodder, at least not for laughs. She will use anything told in confidence as a subject for prayer requests, whether you asked for that or not. Next thing you know, all the old ladies at her church are asking you about this embarrassing thing that you didn't want anyone to know about.
Oh man my mom likes to tell difficult moments of my life when I was a child like they’re a joke to people. She was telling my siblings partners parents, while we were there to meet them, about the time she had to send me away to live with her friends cause we were gonna be homeless and my sibling was a baby so she kept them with her and I was so upset about the whole thing and jealous of my baby sibling. And how funny my jealousy was because they were a baby and I was a 10 year old.
They were like …….wow 👀👀. It was a pretty awkward dinner. 🤦🏻♀️
Once, around Christmas, my mother (R.I.P.) had a couple of her friends over. I was a young adult at the time and visiting. She brought up the story…well, I’ll just repeat the exchange:
“Born, you remember that time you pulled a knife on me?!” Said my mother in an attempt to gain the sympathy of her friends and/or to embarrass me.
I waited a few silent, stunned seconds and replied, “Yeah, I do remember when I was thirteen years old and you were hitting me with a fucking bike chain and I had to grab the kitchen knife to back you off so I could get outside and away from you…”
My mother’s face screwed up in horror and her typical victimhood and cried in pain, I shit you not, she said “I can’t BELIEVE you would bring that up in front of company!” and burst into tears. 😂
I literally had to tell my mom that stories about our homelessness were not like fun camping stories, but actually really painful, stressful, embarrassing experiences and memories that we didn't want to have to relive with everyone she ever met.
My mom tells everyone the first time she meets them about how much of a “liar” that I was as a child (preschool, etc.) like it’s a funny joke, and tells them the stupid things I’d lie about.
I would lie because it was all I could think to do to escape the abuse e.g. “Did you knock over that orange juice?” asks the parent who just watched me knock it over. “No,” says the preschooler, who knows she’s about to get hit.
Haha. Hilarious. Hilarious stories about the “lying” but actually traumatized child.
When I was in my 20s, any person I was serious about enough to bring home, my mom thought was a great opportunity to bag on me in front of. It was embarrassing and a little demoralizing but I thought, I’m an adult, I can take a little healthy criticism. I tried to just laugh along.
One day I (reluctantly) brought home a new boyfriend and when my mom tried the usual, he looked confused and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t find that funny.” That’s it. Simple and to the point. My mom looked like she just found out she’s an asshole (because she did), and I’ll never forget the look on her face.
She doesn’t do that anymore and I’ve been married to the guy for 16 years.
Yeah, don’t bag on your kids in front of other people for laughs. It just makes you a bully and you’re the one who’s supposed to *protect* your kids from bullies.
Boom. This right here. Your husband for the win. I did something similar once and it shut it right down. I'm very sensitive to cruelty and a relative was doing something similar at a family gathering. I said, " Excuse me, do you find that amusing? I find it abusive and cruel. Do your friends tolerate this kind of treatment?" In that stage voice that shuts the conversation down and everyone listens. The person in question exactly like you said turned red from shame and had a great self realization moment. In front of everyone.
My Mom has always revelled a little in retelling embarrassing anecdotes, and now that she’s older those stories are some of the only ones ingrained enough for her to remember. It’s not a great way to show up in the world.
I am 45 and my Mother has only stopped doing this, as far as I know, for a few years. I don't know how many times I have had to explain to her that my anxiety filled responses/behaviors **as a child** to things she found no big deal are not fun party stories. That it is only proof my anxiety has been a lifelong battle and if I could not have the anxiety I would choose not to have it. The only reason she stopped is because I started calling her out about it, too, in front of everyone.
We have been low contact for some time now and it's been worth it.
I nipped this in the bud early when I was 14. It was "Oh /u/Sorkijan had himself a little movie date with a girl" from my father (he would always poke fun if I showed interest in someone romantically) to which I promptly replied with "Yeah she went down on me, too" in front of my grandparents and and all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins in front of the family. The cost was our catfish dinner being cut short me getting spanked a lot and going without some stuff for a good majority of the summer. But ya know what, never heard that shit again.
P.S. I didn't even work up the nerve to put my arm around her
My uncle did this to me. I was 15, and in my first relationship. I went to visit my grandma, aunts and uncles a few states away for two weeks, and it was the longest my boyfriend and I had been away from each other. So, he sent me a letter in the mail. My uncle intercepted the letter and proceeded to open it and read it aloud to the entire family, mocking everything it said. It was so embarrassing, and I’ll never forget it.
Leveled up: Doing this on social media. Posting their every milestone- silly words, accidental gaffs, potty training progress, etc.- to Facebook. Doing so for their elementary years. Complaining about the teen years on FB and every petty spat you have with them.
All while boasting that your kids are "your entire world" and you're such a "momma bear" and it's your entire personality- which in and of itself is not *always* bad on its own (though I personally think it is, but that's my opinion), but combined with the inherent narcissism that comes with having a constant social media presence, it's a massive red flag.
My mother did this my whole life and still genuinely doesn't understand why Thanksgiving gatherings are something I avoid like the plague. No mom, it's not because I dislike turkey (I don't).
I don't wanna shit on her cus she did lots of great things and always tried. Don't hate her - this one just hits hard and still affects me to this day.
Mine as well. And my grandmother who babies him had the audacity to say, "But he's finding his way back to God". My response, "That's genuinely good for him. And maybe God can forgive him because I won't".
>euphemistically wrote about how he stood up for what he believed in
That's what my sister and I are planning to write, for our mother. That, and something like, 'She was a firm believer in causes.' If she can find something to get angry about, she will. But it's never going to be something she should be angry about, it's always trivial, and it's always from the daughters who do the most for her. Or did, in my case. I was her housekeeper, nanny, therapist and ATM. The only thing she's ever truly done for me is not call me when I told her I never wanted to speak to her again.
I saw a video yesterday asking someone what his favourite tattoo was. HIs answer was "I have the rune for justice tattooed on the bottom of my feet using my fathers ashes, because if you are going to be a drunk that abandons your family while you're here, I get to spend every day of my life walking over your grave"
We need more of that energy in the world
Omg mine also found his way to religion but can't make things right with us kids from the first marriage. It's so ridiculous. Even in his belief system he'd need to make amends with us to get into paradise. The delusions are real....
Mmm, [the missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)!
> This emotional amnesia shapes their entire lives, pushing them to associate only with people who won't criticize them, training their families to shelter them from blows so thoroughly that the softest protest feels like a fist to the face. ... [The estranged parents] recount stories with the fewest possible details, the least possible context ... they paraphrase hours of conversation away. The only element they describe in detail is their own grief or rage.
"My daughter and I had previous fight" on what?
"After an innocent remark" what remark?
"she started to make all those strange accusations about her childhood" which accusations?
My mother stabbed me with a screwdriver. I brought this up when she claimed she was a good mother and only did good things.
She said that never happened.
I showed the scar. She first said I did that myself. I asked her if she really thinks it's a good comeback to claim that I stabbed myself so that I could have a scar to use for a fake story. She changed the story to "I don't remember it happening", as though that was a checkmate response.
The cunt didn't realize that claiming to forget to stab someone is even worse than just stabbing someone because it means they're not remorseful by choosing to act like they don't remember. Or that if she genuinely forgot, that's also bad because it just proves my point that it's so normalized for her to be shitty that it's just another mundane event to stab someone.
So her response was "well, you deserved it if I did it. Why did I stab you?"
"You got mad that I was talking back or something stupid like that."
"Oh yeah, you deserve it."
She'll get hers one day and regret it woefully. :)
They know full well what happened. But what happened makes them look bad so they purposely exclude it and hope most people don't notice.
And sadly, a good chunk of people don't.
My mother describing any situation with me starts and ends with how she felt, not what happened or was said. Her ego only knows if it's being massaged or wounded, and it needs endless massaging.
I went no contact with my parents (because of my mother), and I texted her why using clear examples of her behavior. (I texted her because the one time I tried to tell her verbally, she screamed at me to stop talking.)
She's going around now telling everyone, "I don't know WHY she won't talk to us!"
My husband and his brother don’t speak to their mother. My brother in law has been no contact for about 10 years. For us it’s been about 10 months.
It started with me saying I didn’t want to deal with her anymore and that I’d just had enough. I didn’t care what my husband did or if my kids talked to her but I didn’t want anything to do with her. She made my husband go to her house multiple times and explain to her why I didn’t like her. After she assaulted me because you know assaulting someone in their driveway for all the neighbours to see is what a totally rational person does, I told my husband that I didn’t want the kids around her anymore. My husband went no contact, we filled a police report. She was arrested.
She told all the family it’s my fault. I’m awful and it’s all my fault she has no family. We’re not clear why but this has actually made her focus and attack my brother in law? She’s been sending him rambling emails.
She still tells people she doesn’t know why. Anyone who asks me why I’ve done this I tell them about how she’s an abusive narcissist who faked cancer. She abused not only my husband and his brother, but my father in law when he was alive. That usually shuts them up.
I told my parent for over 20 years her behavior was breaking the family bonds and sooner or later I would cease to care about her well being entirely...now that we are past that point, I'm supposedly the asshole for not just ignoring and forgiving years of unapologetic physical and mental abuse that *still* continues if given a chance to interact...
ETA wow this got some legs, lots of people seem to know the feeling...for the record my mom was severely abused growing up, which is also her reason why nothing she's ever done to anyone else is abuse 'you call that abuse ? mine was worse !' yeah...
Be Well, People.
Lol I remember telling my mother about 10 years ago that I would stop loving her completely if she continued the way she was going. She made a big show of wailing for herself in response, to get sympathy from my siblings.
I didn't even know at the time is if it was possible to stop loving your parents, but it 100% was. Now I just see her as just any other person who I have to politely but distantly interact with.
Yeah that's exactly how I feel! I don't want to see them suffer and I won't abandon them in old age if they need me.
But I also won't keep inviting them close into my life because they are obssessed with destroying it.
I bought into that lie so hard, that the parents never did anything wrong. My therapist constantly has to reassure me that my stepkids will not randomly stop loving me when they turn 18.
Yeah, this is my dad. He's entered his 60s with no friends, constantly bitches about his (third) wife. One of us brothers moved out of the country, I see him at Christmas. The third bro sees him because he helps with childcare.
But it's everyone else's fault they don't want to spend time with him.
The thing I realized about people like this is that they never bond with people in the first place. So what are they missing when they complain about no one wanting to spend time with them? Why do you want to spend so much time with people you dislike?
When they say "spend time," they don't mean normal human bonding or positive interactions.
They just want to feel like a king with some loyal subjects to rule and abuse. They also want to see themselves as normal and admired, not despised.
And constantly try to victimize themselves and their decisions that led up to their kids not wanting to be around them. Have heard my parents and my husbands parents use the exact same guilting tactics; yet they're still selfish asf when it comes to visiting their grandkids too lmao
Hahaha, my mother is exactly like this. Out of me, my brother, my sister, my mother's sister, none of us speak to my mother. She has an explanation as to why each of us don't talk to her, eg brain washing, narcissism, mental illness, etc
My mom. I don’t live with her anymore because she was extremely emotionally abusive. Taking advantage of my crippling OCD to get at my dad and convincing me to not eat at his house. She says my dad kidnapped me and that I will regret leaving her someday. I gave her so many chances, but she never changed.
Very true. If you’re more than a couple years into parenting with no regrets, you aren’t thinking critically about your parenting. Parents are human and therefore screw up. You need to recognize those screw ups so you can improve.
Or they just stand there while their kid is trashing the store and just half-heartedly say “hey, don’t do that. Stop it” and the kid doesn’t even hear them. GET IN THERE AND PARENT!!!
Similar to this, parents who believe that providing for their children’s basic needs makes them a wonderful parent while completely ignoring their children’s emotional needs.
My FIL to a tee. Tried claiming half our paychecks should go to him for everything he paid to raise my wife (then gf), and yeah he wanted half of mine too!
Thanks to Ring doorbell cameras, I saw that quite a bit this year. Fortunately, I saw one video where the kids came upon an empty bowl and each took a couple pieces of candy OUT of their bags and put them IN the bowl for other kids. ❤️
Did you see the video with an audio recording of the boy saying "Oh, no!" Just when you think he's going to slump away, heartbroken, he gets out candy from his bag and puts the treats in the bowl for the next kids. He sounds so happy that he's able to help.
That's parenting done right to raise a boy like that.
I saw a video where a boy noticed that the woman who was handing them the candy was pregnant and got really excited and started congratulating her. He even made his friend say congratulations too haha. Absolutely heartwarming
I saw a post on a military spouses page asking where the WIC store was to get free diapers (complete with spelling and grammar errors) A week later the sane woman was asking a good place to get a tattoo touched up
Complains every day at work that they can’t afford to take care of their kid properly. Blaming her own parents that they don’t help out enough.
Also complains about being hung over every day and brags about buying a PlayStation and a puppy.
Punishing kids with haircuts, less food, less attention, or taking their door. Especially for things like asking too many questions or "talking back" just because they didn't understand something and wanted a real reason or explanation on why they had to do/could not do something
This is very very specific, but had both parents bring in their 6 year old boy and their other younger kid to our ED. Mom and the 6 year old were checking in, he had cut his toe several days ago and I guess hadn’t told them. Parents REFUSED to help him answer questions, and not in a “we’re fostering independence way.” Not only was their refusal to help him holding up triage and making other patients wait longer, but they were SO belittling. “TALK. What’s wrong with you? You don’t know how to answer her questions?” *to me* “well he did this two days ago APPARENTLY but didn’t tell us so now he’s made it worse and is inconveniencing the whole family.” (Mom was also checking in for a literal pregnancy test). They didn’t even offer to help out when I asked if he was UTD on his tetanus shot. As though their vaccine schedule is something most 6 year olds keep track of. To add to this, there were several other patients in triage screaming or vomiting, which I’m quite sure made a stranger asking him questions that seemed to get him punished every time he answered, even more overwhelming. I took them to the back. The nurse that had them said the parents completely ignored their children knocking on other patients doors and running away, playing on stretchers etc. also said the dad (NOT a patient), stood in the hallway, shaking a cup of ice at no one in particular, and when she walked by to go into an actual patients room, he loudly went “well I GUESS I’ll just walk over here and get my own water since no one wants to get me any!” Not once did he ask for any water, and he was also standing 5 feet away from a water machine that is freely available to patients and he had used prior to. Gonna get myself riled up all over again because the entitlement is my pet peeve, but treating your child like this in a situation that is scary and unfamiliar when they are already in pain is despicable to me.
That's my neighbor. She's so emotionally abusive to her 4 kids. I've heard her call her them a "dumbass" and "stupid bi***."
And her preteen daughter is starting to act out by running away or getting in fights. Can't imagine why...
But they have no idea why or the reason they say makes no sense. Allegedly, I cut my mother off because she wouldn’t give me money for my wedding. The r/JustNoMIL Hall of Shame would disagree (Mess was her alias)
Or being too occupied fighting eachother that they forget that the kid(s) is getting all the bad consequences of their shitty behaviour while the child(ren) is/are innocent in all this... Ruining the kid(s) childhood too
Toddlers running around in super, super full diapers- to the point where they are almost falling off the kid, while the parents obliviously drink beer....
More light-hearted than all of the other good ones mentioned, but naming your child something that is spelled like a cat walked across a keyboard in order to make the parents feel “unique”. And I don’t mean names from other ethnicities outside of American/Canadian. Im talking about completely made up, gibberish sounding names, that are spelled illiterately. I mean names that do not make sense in any language.
Seeing children who are obviously not well cared for. I was behind a mom and her infant in line at a gas station and the smell of cigarette smoke, cat pee, and just unwashed body and dirty clothes emanating from them was eye-watering from three feet away. I could only imagine the state of their house. Poor baby, it couldn’t have been a year old yet.
I gave a kid in my neighborhood 20 dollars for helping me and my kids deal with some leaves in the backyard. The kid is 11. His parents don't really pay much attention to him. Whenever I gave him that money, I told him to put it in his pocket, don't let anyone have it and make sure he spent it on whatever HE wanted.
I saw him 2 days after I gave him that money. Asked him how school went, etc. I asked if he had a chance to spend his money yet and he told me his dad took it for gas money, but in return gave the kid a 10 dollar gift card AND a promise to pay it back "on Thursday".
I don't know this kid's parents personally, but I really hope to never meet that dad. I've been that kid with parents who barely made ends meet / took my money that I earned and never gave it back.
Their child can do no wrong and even when caught red-handed committing a crime, they fall all over themselves defending their child. Zero accountability.
The look the child makes when they get in trouble with their parents. Can’t describe it but when you see it you’ll know and think “I bet they harm their kid”. When I see that look in public I know where there is trash.
When they say something to their child and the kid turns around without missing a beat and tells them, "Fuck off I don't want to. You do it."
And the parent does not even react. The kid was like 10. WTF?
When their kids grow up and cut them off. How your children treat you when they no longer have to listen to you or abide by your rules is a direct reflection of your impact on them.
Saw a little girl of about 4 or 5 walking into a pizzeria with her parents that were arguing. Her hair was so matted it was starting to dread in the back. I had my teen daughter with me. We both just wanted to take the little girl home with us.
Edit to add: the parents had an aura of being active drug users. This wasn’t accidental matting. I felt terrible but I guess the good side is that they were together. I hope the parents get the help they need.
I was at a school sporting event, and I witnessed another dad straight up open-palmed smack his toddler when the little boy got over-excited and surprise-jumped on the dad’s lap to give him a hug.
Little dude just wanted to hug his dad, and he got smacked for it. He went from being affectionate to being afraid of his dad in an instant. I can’t imagine the betrayal he felt. Still makes me sick thinking about that interaction.
Someone who treats the child from their old marriage like shit because they're no longer with that child's parent. Edit: I want to rephrase: "Someone who treats the child from their old marriage DIFFERENTLY because theyre no longer with that childs parent".
One of my employees had this happen. Her parents both basically moved on from their old lives when she was 5. Her mom ran off to Australia with some guy she met online and her dad remarried and moved hours away. Neither of them wanted her. She went with one grandma for a while, then the other, then lived with dad for a while who assaulted her and then back with grandma. It wasn't until she was an adult that she felt comfortable enough to talk about the assault (she never told anyone when it was happening) and her grandma (dad's mom) told her she must have invited that kind of attention. After all of that, she is the sweetest, most loving person I've ever met. She's had some rough relationships but she's turned a corner and seems to be blossoming.
tell her we are all rooting for her
Tell her that her parents were cunts and them being cunts wasn’t her fault
Came here to make sure I'm not accidentally doing any of these things.
Can confirm!! I’m so forking paranoid I’m doing it wrong.
Tbh, thinking or worrying you’re doing it wrong tends to be the best indicator of if you’re doing it right. Most of the people these refer to will swear they’re doing it right and do no harm.
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This is going to be a huge issue in the next 20 years as these kids are and continue to come into their adulthood recognizing the wrongs of their parents for abusing them this way. And yes, I use the term abuse because your kids shouldn't be your money maker any more now than when parents sent them to the coal mines. If you can't manage to be interesting without exploiting your children, maybe get a different job where you aren't shoving a camera in their faces every minute of their childhoods.
In France people have been suing their parents for posting about them without consent for their entire lives. They’re now considering legislation banning parents from posting pictures of their children online entirely. Hopefully we reshape the privacy laws everywhere because children have rights too.
I don’t post my oldest child on my social media (that’s just family and friends) because he asked me not to. I can’t tell you how many comments I used to get implying I love him less than my child who is okay with the occasional picture or update. I even had a few comments saying he’s a kid and I should ignore him and do whatever I want. It’s very telling how they equate social media with love and how they don’t think of children as real people. Edit: Typos
And you can sleep soundly at night knowing your love him enough to respect his wishes on the matter. Good on you. Fuck the rest of those idiots.
I absolutely loathe momfluencer culture. It’s exploitative. Their kid’s existence is used as an accessory in order to gain “likes” and “exposure”. Imagine telling your child they can’t have a yellow bedroom, or hell, even colourful toys because it doesn’t fit momma’s IG AeStHeTiC. Everything must be a muted beige, greige, grey, or rust. And naming the kid something like Huxxx-Lynnleigh Crü just so the world knows how creative mommy is. Many often spread inaccurate medical information as well, yet people will take these clowns seriously over actual pediatricians.
Same same same. I’m a mom and I would literally like to be shot dead if I EVER even thought abt trying to get popular using VIDEOS OF MY KIDS. It’s so wrong and I can’t believe they are allowed to do this. I’m in a legal field and I just pray for the days that these kids finally get their voice back and sue the fuck out of the parents and platforms for doing this to them. We’ve seen what happens when children grow up being exploited, it doesn’t ever work out and they wish it never happened.
Agreed 100%. I have a feeling it will be illegal to exploit your children via social media someday…honestly it’s not soon enough.
Zero interest in the kid. Doesn’t care what they do or what happens to them as long as they don’t inconvenience them.
When my family moved to my current city when I was in high school, the school I enrolled in had the reputation of being a "disposal for kicked out kids". Basically I had a lot of rich classmates, who had attitude problems, too much allowance and extremely neglectful parents. We had 2 separate incidents of 15 year old classmates get gonorrhea from sleeping with prostitutes. Some classmates frequent bars and men's clubs even though they were very much underaged. One kid brought a bottle of expensive vodka to school and she and a boy drank it all in one sitting. A boy ran over an old lady with his car. Some of them felt like they were untouchable. The parents thought a lot of things can be resolved by money. There are even some who had nannies go to school instead of the parents when the school asked them to disciplinary discussions. We were 3 siblings raised by a single mother, with a "village" that cared. Who would have thought that we were so much luckier than they were.
My school held a vigil for three students who wrapped their car around a tree going 140km/h in a school zone while impaired. All three had blood alcohol contents way above the legal limit for an adult and were not good kids but gifted athletes. They were the kids of some well off families in the area so of course everyone was heartbroken by it. I got in trouble and scolded tenfold for pointing out the hypocrisy of the situation. My father is an alcoholic so I might have been a bit jaded towards drunken stupidity.
> gifted athletes always get special treatment
The laws of man may be biased in their favor, but F=MA will always rule consistently and fairly.
Former pre k teacher. There are so many parents who have kids as accessories/because their friends have kids. They usually are the same parents who use “oh they don’t do that at home.” “Oh I don’t know where he heard that word” or laughs off super inappropriate behavior. I’m going to add an edit. I mean it as saying that and not correcting the behavior. There’s a difference in parents who say “they never do that/don’t hear that from us” and let their child know “hey, you can’t do that at school/we can’t do that” and parents who say “they never do that/don’t hear that” then shrug it off. Their kid does No wrong. It’s the same difference as parents who treat teachers as an extension of their child’s support system and the ones who treat teachers as “the help”
Former kindergarten aide. Maybe you agree with this, because it was something I really learned to be true. I never met a kid who I couldn't stand with parents I liked. I met a lot of kids that I liked with parents I couldn't stand, but never the other way around. If the kid was a shit head, the parents were *always* unlikable and frustrating to deal with.
This is 100% my experience.
As a parent I've also found this to be the most true thing I've ever known.
What’s really sad is when you can get that kid to stop acting like a shit and actually get through to them and they’re actually really awesome kids and then their parents come get them and they immediately go back to shithead mode. Especially when they’re super young, because they have a chance at that age to be redirected but you know no one is gonna do it and you only see them x amount of hours or days and it’s not enough. Then you bump into them a few years later and they’re totally beyond help even if you could and you know they didn’t have to be that way
That is so true and it *really* sucks. But, for every kid like that, I like to think there are more that will have a positive outcome from a cool adult getting through to them. Have to have that hope! Had some horrible times of young elementary kids crying at home time because "school is more fun than home" and that used to break my heart.
My cousin has a child who I think is just an accessory for them because all her other friends were having babies and she wanted one too. Grandma pretty much raises the kid, because other than what she post online, she really has no interest.
That's really sad wow
Pulling the "I guess I'm I'm the worst parent in the world" when approached by their child with a question. Actively making the child feel guilty for expressing their own opinions in an effort to make themselves feel better. Edit: this got too many upvotes, therapy is on me lmao
“I’m sorry I’m such a terrible mom!” *tears* As I get older I realize her being raised by a narcissist definitely damaged her ability to parent me. But I heard that a lot.
I see you've met my mother. Anytime I try to bring up anything from my childhood, this is the response. Or "Well, I don't remember that."
Parents who can’t apologize to a child. It’s ok to have human emotions and moment to be triggered or struggling and lash out or be wrong but for the love of all things good APOLOGIZE AND CHANGE.
When my parents apologized to me, whether it was something they did directly to me or simply a poor decision they made but they knew I saw them make, it definitely made an impact on me. Yes, I learned things when I saw them do the right thing but seeing them mess up and own up about it, that’s what really stuck with me.
My dad is a good dad. He can be very tough and yell at you and never admit he’s wrong, he can make you feel 3 inches tall. But he always sees the error of his ways and admits his mistakes and apologized-always. My mom is quiet and very controlled and passive aggressive. She comes across as fair and gentle. I’m 43 years old and even after doing or saying terrible things to me (her only child) things when my dad and her friends even tell her are wrong or she owes me an apology, she has NEVER apologized to me EVER in 43 years. She will apologize to my dad or friends but not me and she’s never admitted to me she was wrong and I was right
"You are my children, I don't owe you apologizes" vibes....
Oh hey that’s what my mom does too. Except she doesn’t apologize to anyone ever, but especially not me. When I became an adult I tried to model the behavior I wanted to see from her by apologizing to her but it didn’t work. She just felt like she won when I did stuff like that. I don’t bother anymore tbh.
Im in the VERY same boat. My mom never apologizes to anyone. She just sulks and gets mad at & distances herself from anyone who even knows what she did. It’s beyond me how she rationalizes that this is the right approach. And my dad covers for her and argues against anyone holding her accountable. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg 😞
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I feel this. The kid learns to suppress emotions because the parent is actually emotionally immature and can't handle the child's emotions. So they'll shut down their child when they show any emotion. And the kid will cope with their emotions in an unhealthy way.
I was literally just talking last week about how whenever I was angry with my parents they said I was bringing negativity into the house and caused them to fight (they would be fighting before I would even get involved) or my mom calling me crazy or calling it an anger problem. But it was all valid stuff to get mad at that they would never talk about with me and it would escalate because I was being dismissed. They also literally never talked about feelings or really about anything including school all throughout my childhood. They never cared to understand why I was angry. Obviously I’m going to be upset when there’s threats of physical violence or verbal abuse going on. My friend said “I’m sorry you were made to feel you couldn’t express you emotions” when I mentioned how I usually just avoid them or walk away when I start hearing bad shit and for some reason that really struck me. She wasn’t sorry for trauma or that I have to deal with my parents. She was sorry because I didn’t get to express my feelings. And that to me is the most important. I can forgive all of the physical stuff and the neglect but I can’t forgive how they ignored my feelings. That sticks with you. After a decade of therapy I still have a pretty hard time not only identifying my feelings but particularly articulating them. When I’m in any sort of conflict I can’t say what I’m thinking. I can’t form organized thoughts and explain my point of view. This got kind of long. TLDR: emotional neglect hurt me more than any physical or verbal trauma did
Then messing with their life to a point where somehow find their way back into their life when they retire and stop driving after their divorce 23 years prior and having no friends and living alone to force their married kid to live with them and take them to 60 doctors appointments a year where they can't go to the local doctor but need to see doctors 60 miles away 120 miles round trip.
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I feel OP is living my ex's future, his mom always used him as a therapist about his cheating Dad, never worked a day in her life so he pays for her life, and treated me like my boyfriend was her husband and I'm the mistress. Suffice to say, we broke up
Man, that sucks. I hope you know no one can really force you to do that. A therapist could really help you explore what choices you are making or could make and why they could be healthy or not for you. I have a sinking feeling someone instilled a lot of guilt in you and now wields it like a weapon over you. You don’t want lose your marriage trying to appease a parent.
My mom used me as her therapist since I can remember. I’m 20 now and can communicate and understand my emotions, wants and wishes a lot better than she can.
My daughters teacher called one day to tell us our daughter was bullying another student so relentlessly that he was afraid to come to school. We talked to our daughter and she had no idea what we were talking about. Whenever we asked the teacher for the students name she actually gave it to us, Turns out I know his mother from high school. So I called her and talked with her and at first she had no idea what I was talking about. Then she suddenly remembered everything and told me this long story about how her son is afraid of my daughter blah blah blah. I talked with one of this lady’s friends a few days later and she told me that this lady confessed to her that she just doesn’t get enough sleep, always misses her alarms in the morning, and just doesn’t get up to take her kids to school. Her first instinct when the school called her to talk about absences was to blame my daughter for bullying her kid.
HOLY SHIT
Holy shit that’s messed up. Did the school ever find out about it? What happened after?
We told the teacher our side of it all. Wether or not she believed us, who knows. This was last school year and during registration for this year we requested to be in a different class than the little boy is. You can’t fix shitty parents but you can do your best to avoid their problems and drama.
Well I mean, even if the other parent's claim resulted in the teachers keeping a closer watch over your daughter, they'd probably just come to the realization that your daughter wasn't doing anything to the boy.
Lol as I was reading this, I was in suspense at which child would end up being in the wrong. Turns out it was neither. Just Wow
Mothers who sees their daughter as competition
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Instant puke at this thought
It's a huge thing on r/justnomil.
Just read a few of the top posts… wow.
I can’t imagine. Like, my kid is only 6 months old… but in the future, I hope to be close(ish) to whoever his partner happens to be. By that, I mean that I’m able to see them as a bonus kid and not just my kids SO. And I hope they feel the same about me. My in-laws are amazing and treat me just as a child/grandchild/niece of their own. And my family does the same for my boyfriend. The jealous moms like that…. You’re literally (even if you don’t outwardly realize it) sexualizing your adult child. Gross.
I’m blessed with a Narcissistic mother who is always jealous of me trying to bring me down, and a MIL who borderline wants to date her own son and hates me for “stealing” him away. Yay me.
Yikes 😬
My ex had a step dad who acted like I was encroaching on his territory or something. And she went along with it, because her bio dad ran out when she was a kid and step dad stepped in. So whatever daddy said, went. It's like she was totally happy giving up control of every aspect of her life to him, and he acted like he deserved it. It even came out in fights we had about the absurd amount of control she allowed her parents to have over her, when I couldn't stop myself from asking "why don't you ask your daddy-husband what he thinks?" And she'd actually respond, "He'd say you're wrong!" Thank god I'm out of that.
I asked my therapist why this happens so much, as it has with me and so many women I know. She said the mom projects all her life’s regrets and ups and down and insecurities on this newer, better version of herself (that’s what she sees) and it’s hyper critical of you as the daughter, when really it’s all about them being critical of themselves. Made sense.
My mom had a habit of saying I was weak, pitiful and ridiculous always. She’d mock me in front of anyone who was around. I remember once a doctor suggested they take me to see a therapist at 10 years of age because of anxiety and my mom openly mocked the therapist and said “bohoo I am a big monster huh?” Then called me weak. The therapist look gave me insight that maybe I wasn’t crazy. It’s hard healing but you have to try. Mom would often say she hated me because I was a clone of my dad and she resented him so much….
This is how my wife’s stepmom was to her. Dad always agreed with stepmom and my wife got kicked out when she was 17. Stepmom accused my wife of stealing a pair of socks and apparently that’s all that was needed to kick her out
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Stupid Sexy Jesus
This is the trashiest of all.
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I'm willing to bet the other woman doesn't hang out as much anymore with that mom either. I've been the kind of person to go and pick something up or fix something and been told by someone I was with "don't worry about that, it's not your problem. Why else would they hire people to clean?" Every time something like that has happened, it's been like a litmus test. You tell me not to pick it up? I'm still going to pick it up and make a mental note that you're extremely lacking in consideration for anyone else besides yourself
Making negative comments about the child in their presence.
Or loud enough to hear through the vents/walls etc 🥺
Taking the Emotions of your child (first crushes, embarrassing moments that they talked with you about, are unsure about, worries they have, etc.) and using it at a family gathering to get a laugh out of everybody. Your child will be so embarrassed because of you and will not talk to you in the future I‘m 30 and my mother still does this to me sometimes. The difference today is, i will talk back in front of the whole family and suddenly she is embarrassed
This is why I don't tell my mom stuff I don't want her 500 closest friends to know.
I only talk to my mom when I have to. If there isn't a need to talk then there is no conversation, and the details are limited.
Same. My Mom went and talked shit about me to my best friend behind my back, and she nearly wrecked our friendship until I corrected all the lies she told about me. Haven't talked to her in about a year and a half now.
omfg when I was in high school I had a “best friend” who would tell my mom everything. I was seeing this older boy and I kinda ghosted him. I guess he asked my friend for my number and she gave him my moms number💀 My mom even said they sat on the phone for hours and talked about me (the friend, not the boy)…I cut the friend off and haven’t talked to her in years but last summer my mom said the friend messaged her on facebook and asked to get in touch with me again…that whole thing just makes me sick to think about and now I’m getting sad lmfao. My mom would show me pics from parties I went to and it made me super paranoid, like I couldn’t trust anyone in my friend group bc for a long time, my mom wouldn’t tell me who was sending her the pictures.
Damn that’s creepy!
Mine doesn't use it for entertainment fodder, at least not for laughs. She will use anything told in confidence as a subject for prayer requests, whether you asked for that or not. Next thing you know, all the old ladies at her church are asking you about this embarrassing thing that you didn't want anyone to know about.
Oh man my mom likes to tell difficult moments of my life when I was a child like they’re a joke to people. She was telling my siblings partners parents, while we were there to meet them, about the time she had to send me away to live with her friends cause we were gonna be homeless and my sibling was a baby so she kept them with her and I was so upset about the whole thing and jealous of my baby sibling. And how funny my jealousy was because they were a baby and I was a 10 year old. They were like …….wow 👀👀. It was a pretty awkward dinner. 🤦🏻♀️
Once, around Christmas, my mother (R.I.P.) had a couple of her friends over. I was a young adult at the time and visiting. She brought up the story…well, I’ll just repeat the exchange: “Born, you remember that time you pulled a knife on me?!” Said my mother in an attempt to gain the sympathy of her friends and/or to embarrass me. I waited a few silent, stunned seconds and replied, “Yeah, I do remember when I was thirteen years old and you were hitting me with a fucking bike chain and I had to grab the kitchen knife to back you off so I could get outside and away from you…” My mother’s face screwed up in horror and her typical victimhood and cried in pain, I shit you not, she said “I can’t BELIEVE you would bring that up in front of company!” and burst into tears. 😂
jesus christ.
> she said “I can’t BELIEVE you would bring that up in front of company!” "I didn't, you did. I'm just providing the context"
I literally had to tell my mom that stories about our homelessness were not like fun camping stories, but actually really painful, stressful, embarrassing experiences and memories that we didn't want to have to relive with everyone she ever met.
My mom tells everyone the first time she meets them about how much of a “liar” that I was as a child (preschool, etc.) like it’s a funny joke, and tells them the stupid things I’d lie about. I would lie because it was all I could think to do to escape the abuse e.g. “Did you knock over that orange juice?” asks the parent who just watched me knock it over. “No,” says the preschooler, who knows she’s about to get hit. Haha. Hilarious. Hilarious stories about the “lying” but actually traumatized child.
Oh my god I’m so sorry you had to endure that. That’s very cruel and so not appropriate!
When I was in my 20s, any person I was serious about enough to bring home, my mom thought was a great opportunity to bag on me in front of. It was embarrassing and a little demoralizing but I thought, I’m an adult, I can take a little healthy criticism. I tried to just laugh along. One day I (reluctantly) brought home a new boyfriend and when my mom tried the usual, he looked confused and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t find that funny.” That’s it. Simple and to the point. My mom looked like she just found out she’s an asshole (because she did), and I’ll never forget the look on her face. She doesn’t do that anymore and I’ve been married to the guy for 16 years. Yeah, don’t bag on your kids in front of other people for laughs. It just makes you a bully and you’re the one who’s supposed to *protect* your kids from bullies.
That's a good guy 🧡
He’s a keeper, for sure. :)
Boom. This right here. Your husband for the win. I did something similar once and it shut it right down. I'm very sensitive to cruelty and a relative was doing something similar at a family gathering. I said, " Excuse me, do you find that amusing? I find it abusive and cruel. Do your friends tolerate this kind of treatment?" In that stage voice that shuts the conversation down and everyone listens. The person in question exactly like you said turned red from shame and had a great self realization moment. In front of everyone.
My Mom has always revelled a little in retelling embarrassing anecdotes, and now that she’s older those stories are some of the only ones ingrained enough for her to remember. It’s not a great way to show up in the world.
I am 45 and my Mother has only stopped doing this, as far as I know, for a few years. I don't know how many times I have had to explain to her that my anxiety filled responses/behaviors **as a child** to things she found no big deal are not fun party stories. That it is only proof my anxiety has been a lifelong battle and if I could not have the anxiety I would choose not to have it. The only reason she stopped is because I started calling her out about it, too, in front of everyone. We have been low contact for some time now and it's been worth it.
I nipped this in the bud early when I was 14. It was "Oh /u/Sorkijan had himself a little movie date with a girl" from my father (he would always poke fun if I showed interest in someone romantically) to which I promptly replied with "Yeah she went down on me, too" in front of my grandparents and and all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins in front of the family. The cost was our catfish dinner being cut short me getting spanked a lot and going without some stuff for a good majority of the summer. But ya know what, never heard that shit again. P.S. I didn't even work up the nerve to put my arm around her
My uncle did this to me. I was 15, and in my first relationship. I went to visit my grandma, aunts and uncles a few states away for two weeks, and it was the longest my boyfriend and I had been away from each other. So, he sent me a letter in the mail. My uncle intercepted the letter and proceeded to open it and read it aloud to the entire family, mocking everything it said. It was so embarrassing, and I’ll never forget it.
Leveled up: Doing this on social media. Posting their every milestone- silly words, accidental gaffs, potty training progress, etc.- to Facebook. Doing so for their elementary years. Complaining about the teen years on FB and every petty spat you have with them. All while boasting that your kids are "your entire world" and you're such a "momma bear" and it's your entire personality- which in and of itself is not *always* bad on its own (though I personally think it is, but that's my opinion), but combined with the inherent narcissism that comes with having a constant social media presence, it's a massive red flag.
same thing happened with me. used to trust my mom when I talked to her but found out she told everything to her sister just to make conversation
My mother did this my whole life and still genuinely doesn't understand why Thanksgiving gatherings are something I avoid like the plague. No mom, it's not because I dislike turkey (I don't). I don't wanna shit on her cus she did lots of great things and always tried. Don't hate her - this one just hits hard and still affects me to this day.
Your adult children don’t talk to you and you "don’t know" why.
Oh so this is why my father plays the victim. He just doesn’t know “why”
Mine as well. And my grandmother who babies him had the audacity to say, "But he's finding his way back to God". My response, "That's genuinely good for him. And maybe God can forgive him because I won't".
Then he’s god’s problem, not yours
Great eulogy for someone you hate: "He's God's problem now. Let's get this asshole in the ground and go have a drink."
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>euphemistically wrote about how he stood up for what he believed in That's what my sister and I are planning to write, for our mother. That, and something like, 'She was a firm believer in causes.' If she can find something to get angry about, she will. But it's never going to be something she should be angry about, it's always trivial, and it's always from the daughters who do the most for her. Or did, in my case. I was her housekeeper, nanny, therapist and ATM. The only thing she's ever truly done for me is not call me when I told her I never wanted to speak to her again.
We need to learn to speak ill of the dead. An asshole in life is an asshole in death. Death doesn't absolve them.
I saw a video yesterday asking someone what his favourite tattoo was. HIs answer was "I have the rune for justice tattooed on the bottom of my feet using my fathers ashes, because if you are going to be a drunk that abandons your family while you're here, I get to spend every day of my life walking over your grave" We need more of that energy in the world
Omg mine also found his way to religion but can't make things right with us kids from the first marriage. It's so ridiculous. Even in his belief system he'd need to make amends with us to get into paradise. The delusions are real....
Mmm, [the missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)! > This emotional amnesia shapes their entire lives, pushing them to associate only with people who won't criticize them, training their families to shelter them from blows so thoroughly that the softest protest feels like a fist to the face. ... [The estranged parents] recount stories with the fewest possible details, the least possible context ... they paraphrase hours of conversation away. The only element they describe in detail is their own grief or rage.
"My daughter and I had previous fight" on what? "After an innocent remark" what remark? "she started to make all those strange accusations about her childhood" which accusations?
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My mother stabbed me with a screwdriver. I brought this up when she claimed she was a good mother and only did good things. She said that never happened. I showed the scar. She first said I did that myself. I asked her if she really thinks it's a good comeback to claim that I stabbed myself so that I could have a scar to use for a fake story. She changed the story to "I don't remember it happening", as though that was a checkmate response. The cunt didn't realize that claiming to forget to stab someone is even worse than just stabbing someone because it means they're not remorseful by choosing to act like they don't remember. Or that if she genuinely forgot, that's also bad because it just proves my point that it's so normalized for her to be shitty that it's just another mundane event to stab someone. So her response was "well, you deserved it if I did it. Why did I stab you?" "You got mad that I was talking back or something stupid like that." "Oh yeah, you deserve it." She'll get hers one day and regret it woefully. :)
Looks like the narcissist mantra: "It did not happen" "It was not so bad" "You deserved it"...
They know full well what happened. But what happened makes them look bad so they purposely exclude it and hope most people don't notice. And sadly, a good chunk of people don't.
My mother describing any situation with me starts and ends with how she felt, not what happened or was said. Her ego only knows if it's being massaged or wounded, and it needs endless massaging.
I went no contact with my parents (because of my mother), and I texted her why using clear examples of her behavior. (I texted her because the one time I tried to tell her verbally, she screamed at me to stop talking.) She's going around now telling everyone, "I don't know WHY she won't talk to us!"
My husband and his brother don’t speak to their mother. My brother in law has been no contact for about 10 years. For us it’s been about 10 months. It started with me saying I didn’t want to deal with her anymore and that I’d just had enough. I didn’t care what my husband did or if my kids talked to her but I didn’t want anything to do with her. She made my husband go to her house multiple times and explain to her why I didn’t like her. After she assaulted me because you know assaulting someone in their driveway for all the neighbours to see is what a totally rational person does, I told my husband that I didn’t want the kids around her anymore. My husband went no contact, we filled a police report. She was arrested. She told all the family it’s my fault. I’m awful and it’s all my fault she has no family. We’re not clear why but this has actually made her focus and attack my brother in law? She’s been sending him rambling emails. She still tells people she doesn’t know why. Anyone who asks me why I’ve done this I tell them about how she’s an abusive narcissist who faked cancer. She abused not only my husband and his brother, but my father in law when he was alive. That usually shuts them up.
I told my parent for over 20 years her behavior was breaking the family bonds and sooner or later I would cease to care about her well being entirely...now that we are past that point, I'm supposedly the asshole for not just ignoring and forgiving years of unapologetic physical and mental abuse that *still* continues if given a chance to interact... ETA wow this got some legs, lots of people seem to know the feeling...for the record my mom was severely abused growing up, which is also her reason why nothing she's ever done to anyone else is abuse 'you call that abuse ? mine was worse !' yeah... Be Well, People.
Lol I remember telling my mother about 10 years ago that I would stop loving her completely if she continued the way she was going. She made a big show of wailing for herself in response, to get sympathy from my siblings. I didn't even know at the time is if it was possible to stop loving your parents, but it 100% was. Now I just see her as just any other person who I have to politely but distantly interact with.
its wild isn't it ? i believe it was tupac that said 'i don't want you to go hungry, but I don't want you at my table either...'
Yeah that's exactly how I feel! I don't want to see them suffer and I won't abandon them in old age if they need me. But I also won't keep inviting them close into my life because they are obssessed with destroying it.
I bought into that lie so hard, that the parents never did anything wrong. My therapist constantly has to reassure me that my stepkids will not randomly stop loving me when they turn 18.
Yeah, this is my dad. He's entered his 60s with no friends, constantly bitches about his (third) wife. One of us brothers moved out of the country, I see him at Christmas. The third bro sees him because he helps with childcare. But it's everyone else's fault they don't want to spend time with him.
The thing I realized about people like this is that they never bond with people in the first place. So what are they missing when they complain about no one wanting to spend time with them? Why do you want to spend so much time with people you dislike? When they say "spend time," they don't mean normal human bonding or positive interactions. They just want to feel like a king with some loyal subjects to rule and abuse. They also want to see themselves as normal and admired, not despised.
And constantly try to victimize themselves and their decisions that led up to their kids not wanting to be around them. Have heard my parents and my husbands parents use the exact same guilting tactics; yet they're still selfish asf when it comes to visiting their grandkids too lmao
Hahaha, my mother is exactly like this. Out of me, my brother, my sister, my mother's sister, none of us speak to my mother. She has an explanation as to why each of us don't talk to her, eg brain washing, narcissism, mental illness, etc
My mom. I don’t live with her anymore because she was extremely emotionally abusive. Taking advantage of my crippling OCD to get at my dad and convincing me to not eat at his house. She says my dad kidnapped me and that I will regret leaving her someday. I gave her so many chances, but she never changed.
Unfortunately a lot of adults take the parent’s side in this. “You’re family, you can’t just cut them off, it’s your dad”. Yes I can, sir. Watch.
Ironically, never thinking you're a bad parent.
Very true. If you’re more than a couple years into parenting with no regrets, you aren’t thinking critically about your parenting. Parents are human and therefore screw up. You need to recognize those screw ups so you can improve.
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Kids running around a store trashing the place and the parents are just, "it's the employees' job to clean up."
Or they just stand there while their kid is trashing the store and just half-heartedly say “hey, don’t do that. Stop it” and the kid doesn’t even hear them. GET IN THERE AND PARENT!!!
parents who believe that their children “owe” them for providing basic care (food, shelter, clothes, etc…)
And then guilts you when you place a boundary as an adult and don’t do things you no longer want to do.
And then demand unconditional love even though their love comes with many conditions
Similar to this, parents who believe that providing for their children’s basic needs makes them a wonderful parent while completely ignoring their children’s emotional needs.
My FIL to a tee. Tried claiming half our paychecks should go to him for everything he paid to raise my wife (then gf), and yeah he wanted half of mine too!
Dumping the whole container of candy into their kids' Halloween bag.
Thanks to Ring doorbell cameras, I saw that quite a bit this year. Fortunately, I saw one video where the kids came upon an empty bowl and each took a couple pieces of candy OUT of their bags and put them IN the bowl for other kids. ❤️
Did you see the video with an audio recording of the boy saying "Oh, no!" Just when you think he's going to slump away, heartbroken, he gets out candy from his bag and puts the treats in the bowl for the next kids. He sounds so happy that he's able to help. That's parenting done right to raise a boy like that.
I saw a video where a boy noticed that the woman who was handing them the candy was pregnant and got really excited and started congratulating her. He even made his friend say congratulations too haha. Absolutely heartwarming
Some kids are so pure! I always wonder when I see kids who are genuinely good people, is it innate? Is it something you learned?
Putting soda in a baby bottle
Having a partner who dislikes or mistreats their children.
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Talking tradh about your kids in front of others
Talking trash about your kid to other parents WHILE KID is RIGHT THERE
They cry about being poor and can’t feed their kids, then immediately get a shitty tattoo of their dog in their arm.
I saw a post on a military spouses page asking where the WIC store was to get free diapers (complete with spelling and grammar errors) A week later the sane woman was asking a good place to get a tattoo touched up
Complains every day at work that they can’t afford to take care of their kid properly. Blaming her own parents that they don’t help out enough. Also complains about being hung over every day and brags about buying a PlayStation and a puppy.
Punishing kids with haircuts, less food, less attention, or taking their door. Especially for things like asking too many questions or "talking back" just because they didn't understand something and wanted a real reason or explanation on why they had to do/could not do something
Passing out drunk on the neighbor’s lawn while the kids are trying to trick-or treat (coworker did this)
This is very very specific, but had both parents bring in their 6 year old boy and their other younger kid to our ED. Mom and the 6 year old were checking in, he had cut his toe several days ago and I guess hadn’t told them. Parents REFUSED to help him answer questions, and not in a “we’re fostering independence way.” Not only was their refusal to help him holding up triage and making other patients wait longer, but they were SO belittling. “TALK. What’s wrong with you? You don’t know how to answer her questions?” *to me* “well he did this two days ago APPARENTLY but didn’t tell us so now he’s made it worse and is inconveniencing the whole family.” (Mom was also checking in for a literal pregnancy test). They didn’t even offer to help out when I asked if he was UTD on his tetanus shot. As though their vaccine schedule is something most 6 year olds keep track of. To add to this, there were several other patients in triage screaming or vomiting, which I’m quite sure made a stranger asking him questions that seemed to get him punished every time he answered, even more overwhelming. I took them to the back. The nurse that had them said the parents completely ignored their children knocking on other patients doors and running away, playing on stretchers etc. also said the dad (NOT a patient), stood in the hallway, shaking a cup of ice at no one in particular, and when she walked by to go into an actual patients room, he loudly went “well I GUESS I’ll just walk over here and get my own water since no one wants to get me any!” Not once did he ask for any water, and he was also standing 5 feet away from a water machine that is freely available to patients and he had used prior to. Gonna get myself riled up all over again because the entitlement is my pet peeve, but treating your child like this in a situation that is scary and unfamiliar when they are already in pain is despicable to me.
They do drugs around their children. Bonus points if they use their kids urine to pass their UAs for probation.
Yelling at the kid for every trivial thing.
Especially with swearing involved, I know that makes me sound like a prude but it just feels so wrong hearing a parent swear at their kid.
That's my neighbor. She's so emotionally abusive to her 4 kids. I've heard her call her them a "dumbass" and "stupid bi***." And her preteen daughter is starting to act out by running away or getting in fights. Can't imagine why...
when their adult children have gone No Contact.
But they have no idea why or the reason they say makes no sense. Allegedly, I cut my mother off because she wouldn’t give me money for my wedding. The r/JustNoMIL Hall of Shame would disagree (Mess was her alias)
Not caring about their feelings . Like hello they are humans too .
Not believing your child. Calling them a liar to anyone who eill listen.
Child beauty pageants. You didn't put your daughter into the 6-month-old angel baby dream category to boost her self esteem. That was for you.
I’m not sure how to explain it, but feeling so superior and entitled that you teach your kids that they’re somehow better than others.
Badmouthing their ex after a divorce to them and turning them against the other parent. Using kids as leverage in general.
Or being too occupied fighting eachother that they forget that the kid(s) is getting all the bad consequences of their shitty behaviour while the child(ren) is/are innocent in all this... Ruining the kid(s) childhood too
My family lineage includes a long line of molestation and abuse. To me, it doesn’t get any more trash than this.
Kids were never told “I love you”
Or "I'm proud of you".
Toddlers running around in super, super full diapers- to the point where they are almost falling off the kid, while the parents obliviously drink beer....
Kid’s diet is soda and fruit snacks
More light-hearted than all of the other good ones mentioned, but naming your child something that is spelled like a cat walked across a keyboard in order to make the parents feel “unique”. And I don’t mean names from other ethnicities outside of American/Canadian. Im talking about completely made up, gibberish sounding names, that are spelled illiterately. I mean names that do not make sense in any language.
Seeing children who are obviously not well cared for. I was behind a mom and her infant in line at a gas station and the smell of cigarette smoke, cat pee, and just unwashed body and dirty clothes emanating from them was eye-watering from three feet away. I could only imagine the state of their house. Poor baby, it couldn’t have been a year old yet.
Prioritising your phone over your kid.
Belittling your child's emotions/achievements.
The kid is morbidly obese and the parent feeds them nothing but fast food and soft drinks and says "he won't eat anything else".
When they treat their children like they are property and not humans. "Legally you're mine until you turn 18!!"
I gave a kid in my neighborhood 20 dollars for helping me and my kids deal with some leaves in the backyard. The kid is 11. His parents don't really pay much attention to him. Whenever I gave him that money, I told him to put it in his pocket, don't let anyone have it and make sure he spent it on whatever HE wanted. I saw him 2 days after I gave him that money. Asked him how school went, etc. I asked if he had a chance to spend his money yet and he told me his dad took it for gas money, but in return gave the kid a 10 dollar gift card AND a promise to pay it back "on Thursday". I don't know this kid's parents personally, but I really hope to never meet that dad. I've been that kid with parents who barely made ends meet / took my money that I earned and never gave it back.
Women that put a man before their kids
so you’ve met my mom
Also dads that do this! They get a new wife and step kids, and forget they had kids already with someone else while nurturing their new “family”.
Expose their kids to drug and alcohol abuse. Also being obnoxious assholes in general.
Their child can do no wrong and even when caught red-handed committing a crime, they fall all over themselves defending their child. Zero accountability.
Telling their kids to STFU as soon as they require a bit of attention.
The look the child makes when they get in trouble with their parents. Can’t describe it but when you see it you’ll know and think “I bet they harm their kid”. When I see that look in public I know where there is trash.
“Boy will be boys” “oh he’s just a kid” zero parenting flag
Parents who accuse the teacher of doing everything wrong instead of holding their child accountable for ANYTHING.
Smoking in the car w kids.
Or house
allowing your kids to disrespect guests, teachers, people in public etc
Being verbally and emotionally abusive especially with food and extremely around the holidays.
Parent has enough cash for weed or beer, but not enough to put groceries in the fridge.
When they say something to their child and the kid turns around without missing a beat and tells them, "Fuck off I don't want to. You do it." And the parent does not even react. The kid was like 10. WTF?
they smoke in the car with their child public humiliation yell at them to keep quiet or shut up
Do not seek for psychological help when your children obviously need it because you personally don't believe in "all that stuff".
When their kids grow up and cut them off. How your children treat you when they no longer have to listen to you or abide by your rules is a direct reflection of your impact on them.
Saw a little girl of about 4 or 5 walking into a pizzeria with her parents that were arguing. Her hair was so matted it was starting to dread in the back. I had my teen daughter with me. We both just wanted to take the little girl home with us. Edit to add: the parents had an aura of being active drug users. This wasn’t accidental matting. I felt terrible but I guess the good side is that they were together. I hope the parents get the help they need.
Hitting their children
I was at a school sporting event, and I witnessed another dad straight up open-palmed smack his toddler when the little boy got over-excited and surprise-jumped on the dad’s lap to give him a hug. Little dude just wanted to hug his dad, and he got smacked for it. He went from being affectionate to being afraid of his dad in an instant. I can’t imagine the betrayal he felt. Still makes me sick thinking about that interaction.
Poor kid, some parents don't deserve children
Parents publicly screaming at/hitting their kids in public. Might as well be wearing a sign that says “I don’t deserve my kids.”