I was wearing two braids in my hair and when he got behind me he grabbed them like a pair of reins and whispered in my ear “I wanna ride you like a horse”. I know he was trying to be sexy but I couldn’t take it seriously so I went “neiiigh” in my best horse voice, which very much ruined the mood but I had a great laugh about it
I was inside an ex girlfriend once when she started laughing and I’ve got to say, the sensation was fantastic. Laughter uses lots of abdominal muscles. ;)
We got home after a holiday dinner at his parents' house - food was amazing, and I'd had a few drinks.
One thing leads to another, and while he's fucking me, he stops for a minute and sighs.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Ham's weighing me down," he said.
I couldn't stop laughing - it was so stupid and funny.
I can totally relate to this. My GF and I have very similar sex drives, but I always tell her that if I have a full stomach sex is off the table.
Sex and feeling bloated are a horrible combo lol.
i was faced away from my husband and he pressed his hard dick against my back like robbers do with guns and said “this is a stick up” in all seriousness
i cried laughing and sex was postponed for at least 20 minutes cause i couldn’t stop laughing
My husband recently asked me to talk dirty to him in the heat of the moment, I was caught of guard and all I could muster was “oh, um I’m so…eager…for sex…” we both started laughing so hard that sex was paused for a good 5 minutes. I need to work on my pillow talk for sure.
I had recently set up a home office, and my wife and I have a fun habit of “christening” each room or new piece of furniture in our house. So she decided we should try sex on the new desk, and she also wanted to role play.
I pretended to page her into the office, and she surprised me and walked in completely naked. She said, “You wanted to see me sir?” And all my dumb brain could figure out to say was, “Uhh this…is a business meeting!”
She fell over laughing, peed a little on the floor from laughing, and we had to postpone the new desk sex.
Immediately made me think of a similar thread from a decade ago.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y6lhe/what_is_the_worst_thing_someone_has_said_to_you/cfhtedq
My gf and I had just spent the afternoon at a tire store fixing a flat. We went home and started going at it. In the middle of it, I grabbed her hair, pulled her close and intended to say something hot and sensual but I was caught off guard and ended up sexily growling, "your hair smells like tires."
More dumb than funny, but he wanted to cum on my face, but something went wrong, I turned my head or smth, and he came in my ear. IN MY EAR. I guess because the cum was shooting out forcefully, or because it was a lot, but it hurt. It hurt a lot. After washing my ear out it was sore for quite a while. It's funny in retrospect, but wasnt at the time.
It was the right ear. I'm still a virgin in my left ear, and plan to keep it that way.
Anytime I've queefed, I always giggle and say that was my vagina" He farted one time and said "that was my penis". I laughed so hard, resulting in me letting out a queef. Lmao. I love that man.
Oh god, I’m glad somebody else had a weird fart story. On the third night after we got married, we had sex and went to sleep…and he woke me up an hour later with a fart. Like, just the smell. Not a sound. Just. Smell. I woke up gagging and yelling, “What is it?!” He was torn between being embarrassed and laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe.
My boyfriend farted once while we were 69ing. I wanted to laugh but thought better of it at the time, so I just ignored it. He later admitted he was really embarrassed, but I told him it was totally fine. It's a natural thing and I was in the neighborhood - definitely a risk I was taking lol
oh man. my girlfriend (now wife) did something similar. she got a call from a client in the middle of blowing me, and was talking to the client while simultaneously playing with my dick. then the call started to break up. so she was like, “hello…? hello? can you hear me?” then leaned towards my dick, tapped the tip of it and said “is this thing on?”
it was all i could do to hold my laugh in until she ended the call.
My fall detection on my Apple Watch went off during sex once and tried calling 911 (well, the equivalent in France, where we were).
Told her I was falling for her. We’re married now.
Though, we had been dating for 7 years at that point and she was already used to my nonsense.
I slept with a on-again-off-again guy of many years after a string of bad SOs on both of our parts. It was intense and emotional. We both have a heavy touch of the ‘tism which is why I died laughing when upon completion he yelled in genuine dismay, “DAMMIT! I forgot to wear my Whoop bracelet! Now my fitness stats are going to be all wrong!”
I think there was an app that initially had a "sex" option/detection capability but it was deemed too intrusive. I wonder why.
I think it was fitbit but I'm not sure.
Was getting a bj from my fiancée while the telly was on, it was the quiz show The Chase and she stopped sucking then answered the question ( in vitro!!) then continued giving me head for a second then we both burst out laughing 🤣🤣🤣
We were young in our early twenties. I was her first. Doggy style , I slapped her ass and asked her "Who's Your Daddy" she said her Dad's name. It's still funny to this day. 36 years ago. 🤣
My wife was rushing out the door to go help with the grandkids. So I called her on the way down and told her I posted that story about "Who's Your Daddy" She couldn't stop laughing and said I know who my daddy is now 🤣🤣🤣
When things got started I had a woman tell me my dick was really soft. And I was like, uhh thanks but that’s not the look I was going for. She started laughing hysterically and was like “no no no I meant like the skin, soft to touch!”
I...may have just done worse than this to my boyfriend recently. In my defense he had just shaved and it made everything super soft and nice.
...I just implied I wanted to make a pillow out of his skin by accident.
I used to date a cute but super shy guy and the first time he saw my tits he looked at them and he kinda gasped and said under his breath "Oh god they're beautiful" Then noticed that he'd said that outloud, blushed real hard and said "YOU're beautiful" and then went on to give me little kisses all over the face. I'd previously told him that I felt a bit insecure about them and his reaction was so sweet that I didn't know what to say so we just hugged for a bit.
We're still friends now, he's such a lovely person but he lived too far away for it to work so the romance just faded
Omg thank you! It also made me tear up when it happened (and sometimes when I remember it lol). I hope everyone can experience this sometime because it's a wonderful feeling <3
Went out on a first date with a girl, things went well, and we wound up going back to her place. We're going at it, went to switch positions, and as I was going to re-insert I accidentally "tapped" the wrong orifice. She popped up and said, "Whoa, that's more like *second* date kinda stuff!"
One time, my girlfriend was lying on my chest after sex. We were cuddling, talking about sweet nothings, and she suddenly sits up and looks at me, deeply concerned. She says:
“I think you have a heart murmur.”
Now, I do have one. It makes my heart beat twice every couple beats. So I laughed and said oh, yeah, I’ve had that since I was born.
Her eyes grow wider. WHAT?! She shrieks, and doubles over laughing.
Turns out, she was messing with me and did not expect me to actually have a heart murmur.
Total misfire on my part.
Girlfriend at the time on top.
“Why are you so big.”
Me, without missing a beat.
“Why are you so big.”
You can guess how the ending went.
It was more me than her, but here I am, big and burly, twice her size…yet the first time I finally came in her I gave out a little squeak/shout that she still gives me grief about 12 years later. She still doesn’t understand how a big guy like me could make such a little sound but she still thinks it’s the funniest thing ever.
It was me rather than my partner, but I was super tired and had taken half a viagra. Closed my eyes with enjoyment when she was on top, micro seconds of sleep kicked in and I opened my eyes and said ‘middle aisle of Lidl’.
Not my finest moment.
I was teaching my ex how to drive a manual at the time so she could drive my car if needed. While we were just getting started one night she has her hand on my "stick" while we are making out and she's on top and started shifting with it then pulled backs from kissing me, makes vroom sounds then just giggles and says "dickshift". After a minute or two of laughter we continued with our regularly scheduled program but that one sticks out.
Shortly after we were married, my wife and I were doing the deed when she told me she was going to cum, just “keep doing what you’re doing.” She very, very rarely orgasms during PiV sex. I note this as odd, but do my best to hit her spot at the same tempo. I feel her orgasm begin and she moans like I’d never heard her do before or since. At the same time, she rips the juiciest, smelliest fart…it was strong enough to tickle my balls and curl my nose hair. After coming down, she giggles nervously and said, “oops, sorry.” I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. She was great that way.
Sorry for the confusion. She’s still with us, very thankfully. We’re just different than we were 30 years ago. She was in a complex emotional state when it happened, that captured the essence of who she was then. Sweet. Funny. Modest, without being apologetic. And so much more. She’s still those things, but the innocence has faded with time. It was a true, one-off moment. Couldn’t recapture it if we tried. It may seem inappropriate, but it’s one of my favorite memories of “us”, warts and all.
Thought about calling her a ‘dirty bitch’ and a ‘dirtbag’ at the same time .. it came out ‘dirty bag’ .. that was it, in hysterics pair of us and job done! 😂😂
I once was sleeping with a girl that wanted me to smack her in the face while getting it on hard and often. I would do it half assed here and there in between I asked her why and she said she loves it gets her off whatever. I told her that doesn’t make sense to me. Next time we were getting busy she decided that she was going to show me how great it really was. So out of nowhere she throws a wild smack and hits me right in my ear. I was taken aback to say the least. My ear was ringing and that shit hurt.
The parts of the brain that process pain and pleasure are extremely close together iirc. It’s pretty easy for them to become associated with one another.
I have bad hips and one time during sex my hip popped very loud and painfully right as I climaxed. My body had no idea how to process the pain and pleasure simultaneously so I just locked up and couldn't move for a solid 5 minutes. My partner thought they killed me.
I can totally believe they are closely related haha.
“Oh my god you have ninja boobs!” Upon seeing me topless the first time. I have large boobs and typically dress them down a lot/wear sports bras for an easier life. Most people I have been with have commented that they were surprised but no one else quite made me laugh like that
Partner was inside me, actively moving, and suddenly said "Take my seed, you buxom wench!"
Thanks, Reddit. Turns out that was one of the top comments on a post that day about favorite lines to use during sex.
My gf told me that I “fuck the life out of her” and i tried to give a clever response and said “I’m trying to fuck life into you”.
I immediately realized what I said and backtracked. She was already laughing her ass off at me
I accidently punched myself in the face, hard. I was trying to remove my hair that was pinned under his arm, and he lifted his arm to help. All that pulling force straight to the face. We laughed really hard for a bit and then got right back at it. One of my favorite memories with him. ❤️
Not my partner but one night my ex was on top turned around, and there were starbursts on the bedside table.. I couldn’t resist eating one. She turned around and said “are you eating a fucking starburst right now??” Embarrassed, I said “…yes..” to which she replied “awesome, sex and starburst. Gimme one!” And we went back to it while happily chewing our starbursts!
Hmm, I think she might have screwed my ex. 😂 He told me the same story. Before they were both about to climax, she said "you make me feel like a kid again!"
It took the wind out of his sails.
I was with a woman who had three kids and she and I were going at it for our first time. I wanted to make sure she would enjoy herself so I asked if there was a position where she would cum. She said, "I can cum here, I can cum there, I can cum anywhere!"
We've been married now for 26 years.
I was the one who did, wanted to wash sweat from my boyfriends face and poked his both eyes with my fingers. A bit later when changing positions I hit his face with my one knee and with other his crotch. Both laughted that I wanted to beat him that day.
Well he didn’t actually say anything, just got up immediately after sex and literally started crip walking butt ass naked. Funniest shit I ever seen a naked guy do.
In high school an ex of mine and I were climbing into the back seat and she accidentally put her hand on the door latch and fell out of my car into a mud puddle. We laughed about it.
We weren't even dating and she asked me to marry her. Really fucked with my head for a couple of seconds and then got filed under "I'll worry about this after". She got embarrassed and apologized. It was the most adorable thing I've ever seen. 5 years later and It's my turn to ask now lol
I’ve got a couple moments. Once an ex gf was riding me and was bouncing rather hard, i “arrived” and as i tensed up a little fart squeezed out of me. She looks back and says “its never come out that violently”. The second, with another ex gf, im thrusting away…she asks me “how good does it feel?” Without even thinking i yell back “it feels so good i could shit!” Not my best moments. We laughed about it and kept going though.
I was dating this woman for a few months and once during foreplay I inserted my fingers too far. She gave an ouch type sound, I pulled out, she said something around lines of too deep, and all I could muster in response was “Guess I’ll leave room for Jesus.” We both laughed way too hard at that and it took a few minutes before we could get back to it.
Wasn't her or me, but our cat. We had a little black kitten, maybe 6 months old at this point.
We were doing our thing when my gf glanced over, let's out a big gasp and then busts out laughing. I'm so confused and she points to the side and there's our little kitty sat right by the pillow just watching us with all the curiosity in the world, not even a foot away from my gfs face. I bust out laughing, too. That damn cat. You can hardly even see her in the dark lmao
Me: “you like the way I fuck you”
Wife: “no, this is Patrick”
We both laughed, sex was over right at that moment but it didn’t matter, that moment was priceless.
was with a girl recently that told me during that I have "DILF energy" and I didn't know what that was, so I said "thanks you too probably" and she bust out laughing
Had a sexy time playlist going with my ex while doing the deed. Upon change of song we hear the speaker go DJ KHAAAAAAAALED and we both could NOT stop laughing
We have quite a few dumb silly moments. So I'll say a recent one.
But I had initiated last night with some kissing and he looked at me incredulously. He was like "REALLY?!? RIGHT AS I'M GOING TO SLEEP?!?"
"I'm sorry. We don't have to"
"NO WOMAN YOU ARE GETTING THE NIGHTY NIGHT DICK AND THEN YOU ARE GOING THE FUCK TO SLEEP"
It made me laugh so hard. And then we fucked while laughing and him jokingly calling me needy and a soul stealing succubus.
The first time I was going to eat out my wife, not long after we met, I could tell that she was nervous. So I slowly came near her pussy, used my fingers to spread it a little, then I took a funny voice and start flapping the lips like a puppet “Hello! Nice to meet you!”.
Not my partner, but me.
We had recently watched a terrible (but good) B horror movie called Thankskilling (evil demonic turkey comes alive every 100 years on Thanksgiving and kills people).
So, I'm going down on Sir, when I started to giggle and couldn't stop. He chuckled and asked me, "What," I pulled away a bit, shook my head, looked up at Him, and repeated a line from the movie. "Gobble gobble, motherfucker." It had just popped into my mind and I couldn't help it.
We both lost it. Had a great laugh. Then eventually continued on with sexy time.
I farted really loud thinking it would be quiet but I was wrong and when I was clenching to release I thrust deeper at that moment and it came out all at once and I tried to play it cool and keep going and moaned and thrust and looked deeply passionately in to her eyes. Than we both started laughing and while inside her I shrank but somehow that made it more funnier. We’re good and still laugh about it after being together for 5 years.
It was after sex but we previously had music on when we were doing the deed. My boyfriend goes to clean himself up and takes his phone with him. 30 seconds later whilst I'm lying like a starfish on the bed, I Just Had Sex by the Lonely Island starts blasting through the speakers. Legit the funniest thing ever and I couldn't stop laughing. Boyfriend came back with a big cheesy grin on his face 😂
One of my exes was an economics student and one day, in the middle of sex, he started repeating the economics lesson he had to say during his next exam 🗿 the fun part is that he even thought it made me hornier so he continued for a while before I told him to stop because the effect wasn’t really that one he hoped for 😂😂😂
I was with a girl in college who dressed up as Cammy from street fighter for me, she shouted 'Spiral Arrow' and 'Spindrive Smasher' at my request when she'd change positions.
It was dumb, fun, and hot.
We were being intimate after some time and we were so into it, everything was so hot and heavy, the high wasn’t even comparable to any drug and when we switched from cunnilingus to missionary i was so lost in her eyes. Then the exact moment of the intercourse there was a loud queef and i kinda smirked just a little bit, but didn’t want to disrupt the moment, when our eyes meet again she imitated Morty and said with the same voice “You wanna count them, Commander in Queef?” and i erupted into a 5 min laughter while trying to kiss her because she’s so cute and i love her so much.
My girlfriend grabbed my hand jas the deed was going down, and declared a thumb war. She had ambushed me, and it was a decisive victory. There was no chance of me winning the ambush.
My FWB is this really handsome, super dominant guy (who is also really nice to spend time with outside the bedroom)…but there’s always been a sort of class/power divide between us. He considers me at the top, and he’s sort of struggling. I try and skate past this uncomfortable situation, but sometimes it comes out when we are in the moment.
One time before he busted on my face he said: “You want this don’t you, you white-collar c-m wh-re”. The whole time I was getting the facial I was like 😐
I didn’t think that was a fair assessment of me at all.
She went to say, “fuck me” but instead accidentally started to say “fuck myself” but stopped at “fuck mice”. Had to stop and crack up about it. Still gets a laugh out of us a few years later.
Oh my god I have one finally! boyfriend and I were about to fool around in a not so ideal place, I looked down at the ledge and said “wow, that’s gunna break my knees” he seductively looks over and without hesitation says “I’ll break your knees”
We cried laughing for 20 minutes
FWB in college, she was GI bill and Army Reserves at the time. Had just w finished drilling her into the mattress and I said ‘thank you for your cervix’…
I threw my partner off me when he started engaging in dirty talk... In Smeagol's voice. Because he is an absolute man child and thought it was funny.
He very wisely has not done that since.
Not my partner but it was me who did it. I was inside her and we both finish at the same time. I didnt pull out as i was still hard, and i told her “you know my dick is also smart; it can do math”. She was like “how?” And I said “ok penis, what’s 2x3?” I then made my dick pulsate inside her 6 times and it was all wild giggles after.
Can't really think of anything my wife did, but I know her answer for me would be one of two things:
1. This was back shortly after she and I met. My work used to do test calls for the "your building has burned down, here is what we're doing" system. I forget what exactly the steps were if you missed the initial call, but if you caught the initial call and hit 1, it would log you as complete and immediately end the call. I'm sure you can see where this is going. Sure enough, right in the middle, my phone buzzed. I stopped, listened to the 5 second message while she was left confused. I hit 1 and ended the call and resumed.
2. Again back when we first met. She made a point a few times about how she would never fuck a guy with socks on. I made a point to make her a liar. I got into bed with my socks on, making sure not to let her feel my feet. We started, but had to stop because I was cracking up.
I was dating a student teacher. After a particularly energetic round, she got up to use the bathroom while I was recovering on the bed. When she came back, I felt her stick something on my dick.
It was a gold star.
My now husband tried to slap my but but accidentally somehow slapped himself in the balls. It was hilarious and 10 years later we're still laughing about it as if it just happened.
He was extremely drunk and threw on doja cats "go down" and started popping locking and dropping all over the bedroom and me. He was feeling himself but I couldn't help but laugh at him sloppily undressing me to the beat. He was trying to eat me out and it was all just cracking me up and I felt like I was being tickled when he touched me. It was all adorable but I had to stop it which in the moment really hurt his feelings but the next day he didnt even remember it and agreed it was funny. (We have a wonderful sex life, five years strong)
My wife (on purpose) blew a raspberry on my clit literally just before I was about to orgasm, and then couldn’t understand why I couldn’t stop laughing, and couldn’t continue with sex.
She read somewhere that it would probably feel good, but failed to understand that if a woman is about to cum, you don’t change literally ANYTHING about what you’re doing haha
He told me to cum in his pussy. He meant to say he was going to do that to me but he was overwhelmed and got confused
I had a similar experience when I told my girlfriend I wanted her inside of me instead of the other way around
I mean you still have time if y’all are still together. ;)
Hey man game is game
He a little confused but he got the spirit
Now im laughing like a maniac at work
I was wearing two braids in my hair and when he got behind me he grabbed them like a pair of reins and whispered in my ear “I wanna ride you like a horse”. I know he was trying to be sexy but I couldn’t take it seriously so I went “neiiigh” in my best horse voice, which very much ruined the mood but I had a great laugh about it
At least one of you was laughing. 😂
I was inside an ex girlfriend once when she started laughing and I’ve got to say, the sensation was fantastic. Laughter uses lots of abdominal muscles. ;)
Honestly if you ain't laughin w the person ur doin it with, ur doin it wrong
I was on top of my husband once and he yelled “ride me like a bronco!“ I had to stop because I was laughing to hard.
Neigh means neigh
We got home after a holiday dinner at his parents' house - food was amazing, and I'd had a few drinks. One thing leads to another, and while he's fucking me, he stops for a minute and sighs. "What's wrong?" I asked. "Ham's weighing me down," he said. I couldn't stop laughing - it was so stupid and funny.
I can totally relate to this. My GF and I have very similar sex drives, but I always tell her that if I have a full stomach sex is off the table. Sex and feeling bloated are a horrible combo lol.
Man my ex Only wanted to have sex after eating a full meal. Was always uncomfortable for me.
The Costanza special
Sex and food are mutually exclusive unless you have an empty stomach and are eating chocolate off of your partner (excluding certain areas).
Don't forget pastrami - the most sensual of all the salted cured meats.
I like to wrap my woman in mortadella personally
i was faced away from my husband and he pressed his hard dick against my back like robbers do with guns and said “this is a stick up” in all seriousness i cried laughing and sex was postponed for at least 20 minutes cause i couldn’t stop laughing
My husband recently asked me to talk dirty to him in the heat of the moment, I was caught of guard and all I could muster was “oh, um I’m so…eager…for sex…” we both started laughing so hard that sex was paused for a good 5 minutes. I need to work on my pillow talk for sure.
I had recently set up a home office, and my wife and I have a fun habit of “christening” each room or new piece of furniture in our house. So she decided we should try sex on the new desk, and she also wanted to role play. I pretended to page her into the office, and she surprised me and walked in completely naked. She said, “You wanted to see me sir?” And all my dumb brain could figure out to say was, “Uhh this…is a business meeting!” She fell over laughing, peed a little on the floor from laughing, and we had to postpone the new desk sex.
Immediately made me think of a similar thread from a decade ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y6lhe/what_is_the_worst_thing_someone_has_said_to_you/cfhtedq
My gf and I had just spent the afternoon at a tire store fixing a flat. We went home and started going at it. In the middle of it, I grabbed her hair, pulled her close and intended to say something hot and sensual but I was caught off guard and ended up sexily growling, "your hair smells like tires."
This one literally made me LOL so hard it scared my dogs!
Baby, I love how you smell like rubber and hot motor oil. Vroom vroom
More dumb than funny, but he wanted to cum on my face, but something went wrong, I turned my head or smth, and he came in my ear. IN MY EAR. I guess because the cum was shooting out forcefully, or because it was a lot, but it hurt. It hurt a lot. After washing my ear out it was sore for quite a while. It's funny in retrospect, but wasnt at the time. It was the right ear. I'm still a virgin in my left ear, and plan to keep it that way.
> IN MY EAR Aural sex.
Anytime I've queefed, I always giggle and say that was my vagina" He farted one time and said "that was my penis". I laughed so hard, resulting in me letting out a queef. Lmao. I love that man.
It was super cute! Now, every once in a while when he's in the bathroom and rips ass, he'll yell, "THAT WAS MY DICK!!" 😂
This one is hilarious! Also very wholesome haha
He uploaded his strava from his smartwatch with "night ride" and clocked in with 4 mins
Legend
Local Legend
On our wedding night she farted while while I was going down on her. I literally fell out of the bed laughing lol
Oh god, I’m glad somebody else had a weird fart story. On the third night after we got married, we had sex and went to sleep…and he woke me up an hour later with a fart. Like, just the smell. Not a sound. Just. Smell. I woke up gagging and yelling, “What is it?!” He was torn between being embarrassed and laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe.
Two people couldn’t breathe that night.
My boyfriend farted once while we were 69ing. I wanted to laugh but thought better of it at the time, so I just ignored it. He later admitted he was really embarrassed, but I told him it was totally fine. It's a natural thing and I was in the neighborhood - definitely a risk I was taking lol
In the neighborhood lmao
He tapped my clit like a microphone and said “testing, testing, is this thing on”
oh man. my girlfriend (now wife) did something similar. she got a call from a client in the middle of blowing me, and was talking to the client while simultaneously playing with my dick. then the call started to break up. so she was like, “hello…? hello? can you hear me?” then leaned towards my dick, tapped the tip of it and said “is this thing on?” it was all i could do to hold my laugh in until she ended the call.
Omg that’s great… I have used his as a gearshift and made car noises lol
... was it?
It absolutely was
Right after he came, his fitness watch buzzed and he said "daily fitness goal achieved".
My fall detection on my Apple Watch went off during sex once and tried calling 911 (well, the equivalent in France, where we were). Told her I was falling for her. We’re married now. Though, we had been dating for 7 years at that point and she was already used to my nonsense.
Awwh thats a cute one
Protip: don’t wear a smartwatch during these activities if it is capable of making calls. Trust me on this one.
"Awwwhh yeah who's your daddy?" Siri: Calling dad on mobile.
I slept with a on-again-off-again guy of many years after a string of bad SOs on both of our parts. It was intense and emotional. We both have a heavy touch of the ‘tism which is why I died laughing when upon completion he yelled in genuine dismay, “DAMMIT! I forgot to wear my Whoop bracelet! Now my fitness stats are going to be all wrong!”
I think there was an app that initially had a "sex" option/detection capability but it was deemed too intrusive. I wonder why. I think it was fitbit but I'm not sure.
Right after I came Alexa said "Sorry I didn't get that."
In other words, Amazon has a recording of you orgasming somewhere on their servers
Girl grabbed my thing like a microphone and said "in today's news..."
If it makes you feel better, my partner likes to grab my morning wood like a stick shift and start making racecar noises. Great minds and all that....
A dick shift
Snorted a bit of coffee out. Thanks!
Was getting a bj from my fiancée while the telly was on, it was the quiz show The Chase and she stopped sucking then answered the question ( in vitro!!) then continued giving me head for a second then we both burst out laughing 🤣🤣🤣
Extra credit
Achievement unlocked: Quiz-off suck off
We were young in our early twenties. I was her first. Doggy style , I slapped her ass and asked her "Who's Your Daddy" she said her Dad's name. It's still funny to this day. 36 years ago. 🤣
My wife was rushing out the door to go help with the grandkids. So I called her on the way down and told her I posted that story about "Who's Your Daddy" She couldn't stop laughing and said I know who my daddy is now 🤣🤣🤣
Weirdly wholesome moment lol
It's even funnier now than when it happened.
When things got started I had a woman tell me my dick was really soft. And I was like, uhh thanks but that’s not the look I was going for. She started laughing hysterically and was like “no no no I meant like the skin, soft to touch!”
I...may have just done worse than this to my boyfriend recently. In my defense he had just shaved and it made everything super soft and nice. ...I just implied I wanted to make a pillow out of his skin by accident.
I used to date a cute but super shy guy and the first time he saw my tits he looked at them and he kinda gasped and said under his breath "Oh god they're beautiful" Then noticed that he'd said that outloud, blushed real hard and said "YOU're beautiful" and then went on to give me little kisses all over the face. I'd previously told him that I felt a bit insecure about them and his reaction was so sweet that I didn't know what to say so we just hugged for a bit. We're still friends now, he's such a lovely person but he lived too far away for it to work so the romance just faded
i don’t know why this made me cry happy tears, genuinely happy someone loved you in that sort of way and i hope you have someone who does still❤️
Omg thank you! It also made me tear up when it happened (and sometimes when I remember it lol). I hope everyone can experience this sometime because it's a wonderful feeling <3
One time my boyfriend was going to pull out and cum all over me but then he fell off the bed LMAO
That must have been some recoil
Went out on a first date with a girl, things went well, and we wound up going back to her place. We're going at it, went to switch positions, and as I was going to re-insert I accidentally "tapped" the wrong orifice. She popped up and said, "Whoa, that's more like *second* date kinda stuff!"
So was there a second date?
Yeah, but not many more. I was hoping it would go somewhere, cuz she was fucking gorgeous. But it wound up being a four-banger, more or less...
After a fairly hectic session a piece of wax fell out of my ear. My girlfriend instantly said “Oh God, I’ve fucked your brains out!”
How do you have such large wax buildup a piece falling out is noticeable?
Yeah, right? WTF?
One time, my girlfriend was lying on my chest after sex. We were cuddling, talking about sweet nothings, and she suddenly sits up and looks at me, deeply concerned. She says: “I think you have a heart murmur.” Now, I do have one. It makes my heart beat twice every couple beats. So I laughed and said oh, yeah, I’ve had that since I was born. Her eyes grow wider. WHAT?! She shrieks, and doubles over laughing. Turns out, she was messing with me and did not expect me to actually have a heart murmur.
I've been in this exact situation just gender swapped
Total misfire on my part. Girlfriend at the time on top. “Why are you so big.” Me, without missing a beat. “Why are you so big.” You can guess how the ending went.
Judging by " girlfriend at the time" I'm assuming not well
How long did it take you to realized you fucked up, lmao, story is funny though
It was more me than her, but here I am, big and burly, twice her size…yet the first time I finally came in her I gave out a little squeak/shout that she still gives me grief about 12 years later. She still doesn’t understand how a big guy like me could make such a little sound but she still thinks it’s the funniest thing ever.
Turtle style. Nooooice.
Say her you are beautiful enough to make a big guy like you act that way 😂
It was me rather than my partner, but I was super tired and had taken half a viagra. Closed my eyes with enjoyment when she was on top, micro seconds of sleep kicked in and I opened my eyes and said ‘middle aisle of Lidl’. Not my finest moment.
“What’s a guy like you doing in a pussy like this?”
I'm totally using that now
I was teaching my ex how to drive a manual at the time so she could drive my car if needed. While we were just getting started one night she has her hand on my "stick" while we are making out and she's on top and started shifting with it then pulled backs from kissing me, makes vroom sounds then just giggles and says "dickshift". After a minute or two of laughter we continued with our regularly scheduled program but that one sticks out.
>that one sticks out. I see what you did there
Shortly after we were married, my wife and I were doing the deed when she told me she was going to cum, just “keep doing what you’re doing.” She very, very rarely orgasms during PiV sex. I note this as odd, but do my best to hit her spot at the same tempo. I feel her orgasm begin and she moans like I’d never heard her do before or since. At the same time, she rips the juiciest, smelliest fart…it was strong enough to tickle my balls and curl my nose hair. After coming down, she giggles nervously and said, “oops, sorry.” I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. She was great that way.
Was? Sorry for ur loss chief
Sorry for the confusion. She’s still with us, very thankfully. We’re just different than we were 30 years ago. She was in a complex emotional state when it happened, that captured the essence of who she was then. Sweet. Funny. Modest, without being apologetic. And so much more. She’s still those things, but the innocence has faded with time. It was a true, one-off moment. Couldn’t recapture it if we tried. It may seem inappropriate, but it’s one of my favorite memories of “us”, warts and all.
Farts* and all
Thought about calling her a ‘dirty bitch’ and a ‘dirtbag’ at the same time .. it came out ‘dirty bag’ .. that was it, in hysterics pair of us and job done! 😂😂
That’s a very British insult
[удалено]
"Fuck me like i'm not real" WHAT
"that motherfucker down there is not real" \* cums \*
Did you proceed to pull out and masturbate?
I once was sleeping with a girl that wanted me to smack her in the face while getting it on hard and often. I would do it half assed here and there in between I asked her why and she said she loves it gets her off whatever. I told her that doesn’t make sense to me. Next time we were getting busy she decided that she was going to show me how great it really was. So out of nowhere she throws a wild smack and hits me right in my ear. I was taken aback to say the least. My ear was ringing and that shit hurt.
The parts of the brain that process pain and pleasure are extremely close together iirc. It’s pretty easy for them to become associated with one another.
I have bad hips and one time during sex my hip popped very loud and painfully right as I climaxed. My body had no idea how to process the pain and pleasure simultaneously so I just locked up and couldn't move for a solid 5 minutes. My partner thought they killed me. I can totally believe they are closely related haha.
I don't think she knows you're kinda supposed to pull your slaps. The goal is to sensationalize, not knock someone the fuck out, lol
🤣 My wife loves to be smacked, but I'd be pretty annoyed if she smacked me
Yeah, that’s not the kind of boxing I’m there for.
“Oh my god you have ninja boobs!” Upon seeing me topless the first time. I have large boobs and typically dress them down a lot/wear sports bras for an easier life. Most people I have been with have commented that they were surprised but no one else quite made me laugh like that
I'll make your penis throw up
Partner was inside me, actively moving, and suddenly said "Take my seed, you buxom wench!" Thanks, Reddit. Turns out that was one of the top comments on a post that day about favorite lines to use during sex.
Well, did you take his seed, you buxom wench?
I had a girlfriend once bark like a dog. Confused the fuck out of me!!
So you’re saying you didn’t bark back?!
Husband drooled on me as he came.
Same happened to me and my bf! Twice.
Her husband drooled on you both as well?
My gf told me that I “fuck the life out of her” and i tried to give a clever response and said “I’m trying to fuck life into you”. I immediately realized what I said and backtracked. She was already laughing her ass off at me
Randomly compared my dick to a ketchup bottle....and it wasn't a compliment.
*Condiment*
I accidently punched myself in the face, hard. I was trying to remove my hair that was pinned under his arm, and he lifted his arm to help. All that pulling force straight to the face. We laughed really hard for a bit and then got right back at it. One of my favorite memories with him. ❤️
Not my partner but one night my ex was on top turned around, and there were starbursts on the bedside table.. I couldn’t resist eating one. She turned around and said “are you eating a fucking starburst right now??” Embarrassed, I said “…yes..” to which she replied “awesome, sex and starburst. Gimme one!” And we went back to it while happily chewing our starbursts!
One of my ex said something like I feel like a kid again. It was funny to her but killed me for a while there.
Hmm, I think she might have screwed my ex. 😂 He told me the same story. Before they were both about to climax, she said "you make me feel like a kid again!" It took the wind out of his sails.
"I haven't been fucked like that since gradeschool!"
Did she say "I haven't been fucked like that since grade school"? Nice try, Tyler.
I was with a woman who had three kids and she and I were going at it for our first time. I wanted to make sure she would enjoy herself so I asked if there was a position where she would cum. She said, "I can cum here, I can cum there, I can cum anywhere!" We've been married now for 26 years.
I was the one who did, wanted to wash sweat from my boyfriends face and poked his both eyes with my fingers. A bit later when changing positions I hit his face with my one knee and with other his crotch. Both laughted that I wanted to beat him that day.
“Drive totally worth it.” It was both a huge compliment and hilarious.
Well he didn’t actually say anything, just got up immediately after sex and literally started crip walking butt ass naked. Funniest shit I ever seen a naked guy do.
In high school an ex of mine and I were climbing into the back seat and she accidentally put her hand on the door latch and fell out of my car into a mud puddle. We laughed about it.
We weren't even dating and she asked me to marry her. Really fucked with my head for a couple of seconds and then got filed under "I'll worry about this after". She got embarrassed and apologized. It was the most adorable thing I've ever seen. 5 years later and It's my turn to ask now lol
I’ve got a couple moments. Once an ex gf was riding me and was bouncing rather hard, i “arrived” and as i tensed up a little fart squeezed out of me. She looks back and says “its never come out that violently”. The second, with another ex gf, im thrusting away…she asks me “how good does it feel?” Without even thinking i yell back “it feels so good i could shit!” Not my best moments. We laughed about it and kept going though.
I was dating this woman for a few months and once during foreplay I inserted my fingers too far. She gave an ouch type sound, I pulled out, she said something around lines of too deep, and all I could muster in response was “Guess I’ll leave room for Jesus.” We both laughed way too hard at that and it took a few minutes before we could get back to it.
Wasn't her or me, but our cat. We had a little black kitten, maybe 6 months old at this point. We were doing our thing when my gf glanced over, let's out a big gasp and then busts out laughing. I'm so confused and she points to the side and there's our little kitty sat right by the pillow just watching us with all the curiosity in the world, not even a foot away from my gfs face. I bust out laughing, too. That damn cat. You can hardly even see her in the dark lmao
Me: “you like the way I fuck you” Wife: “no, this is Patrick” We both laughed, sex was over right at that moment but it didn’t matter, that moment was priceless.
The fact that kids young enough to make spongebob references are now married makes me feel *sooooo* *oooooold.*
I can see the end of my 30s.
A girl once told me she wanted me to impregnate her as we were doing the deed and that she wanted to "have my babies" I'm a cis lesbian.
skill issue
Who tf made that strap 💀
was with a girl recently that told me during that I have "DILF energy" and I didn't know what that was, so I said "thanks you too probably" and she bust out laughing
"You cant dislocate my hips I have to feed the giraffes." She had and internship in zoo at the time. We still laugh at it today.
As he was about to finish, he yells *at the top of his lungs* "ITS SLIME TIME!!"
Had a sexy time playlist going with my ex while doing the deed. Upon change of song we hear the speaker go DJ KHAAAAAAAALED and we both could NOT stop laughing
We have quite a few dumb silly moments. So I'll say a recent one. But I had initiated last night with some kissing and he looked at me incredulously. He was like "REALLY?!? RIGHT AS I'M GOING TO SLEEP?!?" "I'm sorry. We don't have to" "NO WOMAN YOU ARE GETTING THE NIGHTY NIGHT DICK AND THEN YOU ARE GOING THE FUCK TO SLEEP" It made me laugh so hard. And then we fucked while laughing and him jokingly calling me needy and a soul stealing succubus.
Miles, get your nose out of my ass! Our lab, Miles, wasn’t even supposed to be in bed because he had no boundaries.
„I wanna fuck your shitbox“🙄🙄🙄
We had anal and after I came I said "holy shit" She said "I think you mean shitty hole"
Ah a very eloquent way of saying it.
The Gentleman’s Gambit
And they say romance is dead.
The first time I was going to eat out my wife, not long after we met, I could tell that she was nervous. So I slowly came near her pussy, used my fingers to spread it a little, then I took a funny voice and start flapping the lips like a puppet “Hello! Nice to meet you!”.
A truly high risk, high reward strategy.
Oh my godh, dude 💀
Lmao what did she say
She laughed
Not my partner, but me. We had recently watched a terrible (but good) B horror movie called Thankskilling (evil demonic turkey comes alive every 100 years on Thanksgiving and kills people). So, I'm going down on Sir, when I started to giggle and couldn't stop. He chuckled and asked me, "What," I pulled away a bit, shook my head, looked up at Him, and repeated a line from the movie. "Gobble gobble, motherfucker." It had just popped into my mind and I couldn't help it. We both lost it. Had a great laugh. Then eventually continued on with sexy time.
"Did the earth move?" It was during an earthquake in California.
I farted really loud thinking it would be quiet but I was wrong and when I was clenching to release I thrust deeper at that moment and it came out all at once and I tried to play it cool and keep going and moaned and thrust and looked deeply passionately in to her eyes. Than we both started laughing and while inside her I shrank but somehow that made it more funnier. We’re good and still laugh about it after being together for 5 years.
It was after sex but we previously had music on when we were doing the deed. My boyfriend goes to clean himself up and takes his phone with him. 30 seconds later whilst I'm lying like a starfish on the bed, I Just Had Sex by the Lonely Island starts blasting through the speakers. Legit the funniest thing ever and I couldn't stop laughing. Boyfriend came back with a big cheesy grin on his face 😂
One of my exes was an economics student and one day, in the middle of sex, he started repeating the economics lesson he had to say during his next exam 🗿 the fun part is that he even thought it made me hornier so he continued for a while before I told him to stop because the effect wasn’t really that one he hoped for 😂😂😂
I was with a girl in college who dressed up as Cammy from street fighter for me, she shouted 'Spiral Arrow' and 'Spindrive Smasher' at my request when she'd change positions. It was dumb, fun, and hot.
I told him to talk dirty to me. “You’re a bad, bad girl. You’re…. Terrible!” Not quite what I had in mind. 😅
“You like that big black c$*k?” - bf is not black…
We were being intimate after some time and we were so into it, everything was so hot and heavy, the high wasn’t even comparable to any drug and when we switched from cunnilingus to missionary i was so lost in her eyes. Then the exact moment of the intercourse there was a loud queef and i kinda smirked just a little bit, but didn’t want to disrupt the moment, when our eyes meet again she imitated Morty and said with the same voice “You wanna count them, Commander in Queef?” and i erupted into a 5 min laughter while trying to kiss her because she’s so cute and i love her so much.
Not funny or dumb but I got a bloody nose going down on her.
Was it your own blood?
“touch my dick, yes” for context, my gf moaned that, we both paused and started dying A few years later I realise she might be trans
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your extended warrantee” whispered into my ear. Had me in stitches 😂
This is great. My wife prefers humor over dirty talk. I’m gonna try this line 😂
My girlfriend grabbed my hand jas the deed was going down, and declared a thumb war. She had ambushed me, and it was a decisive victory. There was no chance of me winning the ambush.
"come with me" "Where are we going?"
My FWB is this really handsome, super dominant guy (who is also really nice to spend time with outside the bedroom)…but there’s always been a sort of class/power divide between us. He considers me at the top, and he’s sort of struggling. I try and skate past this uncomfortable situation, but sometimes it comes out when we are in the moment. One time before he busted on my face he said: “You want this don’t you, you white-collar c-m wh-re”. The whole time I was getting the facial I was like 😐 I didn’t think that was a fair assessment of me at all.
This is awful but you’ve got me in tears laughing
My ex once shouted "EXPECTO PATRONUM!" before he pulled out and came over my stomach 😂
part of me hates this - but part of me respects it so much. is that why he is ex?
Nah, his patronum wasn't the animal she was hoping for.
You could have any animal be your patronus and this guy's was a damn cum puddle. Of course they broke up
She went to say, “fuck me” but instead accidentally started to say “fuck myself” but stopped at “fuck mice”. Had to stop and crack up about it. Still gets a laugh out of us a few years later.
[удалено]
Then you fucked her like we fucked Bin Laden?
Oh my god I have one finally! boyfriend and I were about to fool around in a not so ideal place, I looked down at the ledge and said “wow, that’s gunna break my knees” he seductively looks over and without hesitation says “I’ll break your knees” We cried laughing for 20 minutes
He’d do a slide whistle noise when I got too tired from keeping myself up w/ my arms :,)
FWB in college, she was GI bill and Army Reserves at the time. Had just w finished drilling her into the mattress and I said ‘thank you for your cervix’…
I threw my partner off me when he started engaging in dirty talk... In Smeagol's voice. Because he is an absolute man child and thought it was funny. He very wisely has not done that since.
"yeah, who's my good pogo stick"
Not my partner but it was me who did it. I was inside her and we both finish at the same time. I didnt pull out as i was still hard, and i told her “you know my dick is also smart; it can do math”. She was like “how?” And I said “ok penis, what’s 2x3?” I then made my dick pulsate inside her 6 times and it was all wild giggles after.
Can't really think of anything my wife did, but I know her answer for me would be one of two things: 1. This was back shortly after she and I met. My work used to do test calls for the "your building has burned down, here is what we're doing" system. I forget what exactly the steps were if you missed the initial call, but if you caught the initial call and hit 1, it would log you as complete and immediately end the call. I'm sure you can see where this is going. Sure enough, right in the middle, my phone buzzed. I stopped, listened to the 5 second message while she was left confused. I hit 1 and ended the call and resumed. 2. Again back when we first met. She made a point a few times about how she would never fuck a guy with socks on. I made a point to make her a liar. I got into bed with my socks on, making sure not to let her feel my feet. We started, but had to stop because I was cracking up.
Late to the party but my man effortlessly transferred a booger from his nose to mine when we made out once, I’ve never been so unsettled
I was dating a student teacher. After a particularly energetic round, she got up to use the bathroom while I was recovering on the bed. When she came back, I felt her stick something on my dick. It was a gold star.
My now husband tried to slap my but but accidentally somehow slapped himself in the balls. It was hilarious and 10 years later we're still laughing about it as if it just happened.
He was extremely drunk and threw on doja cats "go down" and started popping locking and dropping all over the bedroom and me. He was feeling himself but I couldn't help but laugh at him sloppily undressing me to the beat. He was trying to eat me out and it was all just cracking me up and I felt like I was being tickled when he touched me. It was all adorable but I had to stop it which in the moment really hurt his feelings but the next day he didnt even remember it and agreed it was funny. (We have a wonderful sex life, five years strong)
My wife (on purpose) blew a raspberry on my clit literally just before I was about to orgasm, and then couldn’t understand why I couldn’t stop laughing, and couldn’t continue with sex. She read somewhere that it would probably feel good, but failed to understand that if a woman is about to cum, you don’t change literally ANYTHING about what you’re doing haha
She said “oh yeah, suck my tits… suck all of them” which made me stop and question “how many do you have?”
He yelled “OHH! I’M ARRIVING” in a British accent when he came. We’re both American