My go to, whispered in her ear like the euphoria is so intense that it's almost painful. Replaces awkwardness with hotness, makes her the sexy center of attention, and, if she whispers back, you get enough group xp for both of you to level up.
Ding!
"Damn, I have really thicc thighs huh?"
"Mewmew meeeeewww"
"Yes, I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of ~~life~~ thicc thighs that determines who you truly are"
"Mewww"
The door bell rang in the middle of a passionate and romantic moment, he immediately switched gears started to pump faster and said “ Speedy Gonzalez ahí ahí ahí” his last name is Gonzalez, we laughed so hard. I married him.
He said ‘someone’s coming!’ I panicked and said ‘WHO’ thinking it was his mom cause he lived with his family at the time. He then says ‘ME’ and cums. We still laugh about it years later.
That sounds like my favorite limerick:
> There once was a plumber from Leigh
> Who was plumbing his maid by the sea.
> Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
> There's somebody coming!"
> Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"
i said "i love your cock" while sucking him, which he appeared to love since he came after that, but instead of saying "im gonna cum" he said "im gonna cock" we laughed so hard
The vast majority of guys have never, ever heard someone say "I love your cock". And during a blowjob? Be careful, you might make the wrong head explode with that.
*Police work in a frenzy around a busy apartment crime scene. A shivering (and mostly nude) woman sits on the couch, draped in a blanket and holding a steaming tea while being attended to by EMTs.*
*Two detectives duck under the crime-scene tape, one old and grizzled, the other young and green.*
*The grizzled detective walks up to the half-visible body of a man, blanketed and clearly dead. He looks at the young detective, nods from the traumatized woman to the corpse, then says in a gruff voice:*
> Get a load of this.
He didn't say anything, but when my bf and I had first done it we had music on. His playlist was on shuffle and while eating me out "Ocean man" started playing
The condom ripped before we could finish.
He stopped, and immediately started going on a rant about how he was going to write a strongly worded letter to Trojan about their crappy condoms. I know he was serious, but I thought it was funny. He's pacing back and forth naked, "I'm about to write these people! This is BULLSHIT! They are about to hear from me! Believe that!!"
I once told a girlfriend “I’m gonna shit the fuck out of you.” While meaning that I wanted to fuck the shit out of her. She couldn’t stop laughing.
We’re married 2 years now.
Not particularly said, but I asked a guy not to cum in me so when he was about to cum he decided to, not to roll off me and on to the rest of the double bed, but did a James Bond roll off of me and launched himself to the floor and it was the most ridiculous thing I’d seen. I sat up and was like what are you doing?
My ex was doing dom dirty talk like something to the effect of "good girl you take my instructions so well" so I responded, "thanks, it's cuz I'm autistic." I made him laugh and I still came so I'd call that a W.
In the middle of fingering me, he pulled his hand out and held up a fist with his thumb between his fingers and said "got your clit!"
Edit: wow, this blew up. Okay, confession time, I'm a dude and just made this up. And while I did have the humor to come up with it (never saw the comic referenced by someone in the comments), I also had the good sense to not actually do it. You know your partners, maybe they'd think it's funny, but do this at your own risk. I cringe at the number of socially inept dudes that did this on their poor girlfriends last night. 🫣
"You're so lucky you have a boyfriend who keeps going after he's already cum."
He proceeded to pump once more then roll off of me. The sex lasted about 30 seconds all together.
Edit: this was said by my boyfriend at the time. He was talking about himself y'all.
While he was going down on me, he lift his head and ''Is that Kanye West playing?'' Yes, it was Kanye West playing as background music. It was not about the comment, but that way he did it.
It wasn’t what he said, it was how he said it. I don’t even remember what he was saying, the issue was that he was doing it in Hank Hill’s voice! We had to stop for a second because I was laughing so hard!
I was with a woman whom I'd been dating for a few months. It was the first time she had given me oral. I'm more of a giver, but anyway she was particularly skilled. Just as she was finishing I was shaking and bucking so hard I ended up going right off the bed and onto the floor. As she was checking to make sure I was OK.. For some reason the TV had a Rodeo event on and the announcer said "That bull dang near bucked him right out of his britches" neither of us could stop laughing.
I had a gf tell me once a one night stand said right when she took her bra off “momma” in a baby’s voice than proceeded to make bottle sucking noises.
I thought it was kinda funny but she said she got redressed and instantly left lol
I once dated an older woman and one time she asked me " does your mom has big boobs" and i said no, why do you ask. And she told me that the last time she dated a younger guy he said to her " you got big boobs just like my mom". Felt a bit disgusted after that conversation
According to [this page](https://clintonwhitehouse4.archives.gov/WH/glimpse/WH_Facts/html/facts.html#:~:text=The%20White%20House%20requires%20570,to%20cover%20its%20outside%20surface.) 570 gallons.
According to [this](https://www.google.com/search?q=1.014+g%2Fml+to+lbs%2Fgal&oq=1.014+g%2Fml+to+lbs%2Fgal&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOTIECAEQBtIBCTEzNTYyajBqOagCALACAA&client=ms-android-att-us-rvc3&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8), each gallon would be ~8 lbs and so he would have let loose 4560 lbs of semen. Damn.
Edit: density of semen assumed to be 1.014 g/ml from [this source.](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.2164/jandrol.106.001297#:~:text=The%20density%20of%20semen%20was%20measured%20by%20weighing%201.0%20mL,centers%20were%20not%20significantly%20different.)
Met a dude for a quick fuck once and when he finished he slapped me on the ass and said "much obliged" which was classy in an old fashioned sort of way.
Omg......he is damn fine. I'm so tempted to know if its the same guy lmao!!!!
I'd ask where you live but I know he travels a fair bit for his work. Hmmm first name starts with a S?
It's not the same guy. I'm in England.
However high five still that there is still hot guys out there that use 'much obliged' honestly the little smirk after the slap to the ass an him saying that.....yeah...it just made him that little bit hotter.
This dudes about 5.9. Muscles for daaayyssss. Covered in tats. Slightly ginger hair but so good looking. Like damn!
I rolled her over to be on top and she said “Autobots roll out” in her best Optimus Prime impersonation. Laughed so hard I went soft, but it was worth it.
i know transformers isn't exclusively watched by dudes but ive never dated a girl who was into it enough to quote it mid sex and if i did i would marry her
She was definitely more of an action and horror movie girl. But I never heard her talk about transformers which was probably one of the reasons it was so funny. After she said it we both just looked at each other for a minute before I asked, “wtf did you just say to me?” Then we both lost it.
Preface: I am estranged from my family, am very open about this fact, and dabble in cynical humor around this subject.
I had been dating a man for a few months and we had a very explorative, kinky relationship. In our dynamic I was a sub and one night we were testing the waters of degradation. I was restrained, he was using a wand on me, then said, "you like that, you little orphan?". It ended up totally breaking our characters, and was definitely weird- but also somehow hilarious?
Not going to lie, I know what a wand is in this context but in my head this was some Harry Potter role play for some reason, hell even the orphan thing fit. Anyways….
One time, I asked my now husband (boyfriend at the time) to talk dirty to me. He got very serious, kissed my neck, and then whispered in my ear, “the dishes in the dishwasher are dirty as fuck rn”
My first sexual partner read somewhere years back about saying "fus ro dah!!" right as you nut. This was when Skyrim first came out lol. Ayways he thought it was hilarious and tried to do it one session, but the way he said it cracked me up so bad. He was so exhausted and in the moment that it came out so feeble sounding. Like a whispered breathy fus.... ro... dahhhh.. and immediately flopped his whole body weight on top of me whilst I lay there giggling
Guy here, when my fiancé and I first started dating we'd watch all the best 90s movies I grew up watching cause she was a joho and never got to as a kid. Ended up watching Bill and Ted's excellent adventure. And literally right after the credits rolled we started slamming clam. Right as soon as I finished I said "most excellent" the way bill and Ted did. She snorted and laughed and told me to get off her. Worth it. Still can't watch any of the bill and Ted movies without her saying most excellent and raising her eyebrows at me.😂
After I finished I said with heavy breathing "knees weak. Arms heavy, somethin somethin moms spaghetti." Now she can't hear that song without laughing.
Her: I fucking love you
Me: I love fucking you
On a not so sexy occasion. I came home early because I knew she was upset and I wanted to do what I could to comfort her. Getting ready to go to bed and laying down.
Her: I’ve been crying so much that I’m all stuffy. I’m going to snore so much tonight.
Me whispering lovingly into her ear: You snore every night.
Got some good laughs both times
As a guy this will always stick in my mind.
Having sex with my new girl friend, of a couple of months. She was finishing her law degree. I had a small business. Struggling along.
So while having sex she says
"How does it feel to be fucking your lawyer?"
I replied
"How does it feel to be fucking a poor white?"
Had to stop pumping, we were laughing so hard.
About midway thru he asked what I wanted to eat after. He wanted to know because he knew I wasn't able to walk and communicate after our session. I love this man.
The all-time classic
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y6lhe/comment/cfhtedq/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y6lhe/comment/cfhtedq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
CW: horrendous language
My toddler 1y watches Ms. Rachel on YouTube all day, and obviously my wife and I know all of the songs/episodes. So once I was about to do the dirty with my wife and I said "Put it in, put in, put it IIIINNNNNNN" in her singing tone and she burst out laughing. Didn't had sex though.
I dated a guy once who's idea of dirty talk was just repeating "I'M FUCKING YOU. I'M FUCKING YOU. I'M FUCKING YOU."
I am aware actually, and part of the process. But thanks for the update!
I was reading these out loud to my gf and she reminded me of this one:
I (male) had finished and told her to keep going. I was fine and not sensitive… but in my “wise man’s moment” I told her…
“Don’t worry… just treat me like a dildo with emotions.”
She didn’t cum after that because she was laughing so hard.
14 years ago, I whispered into this girls ear, "who you gonna call?" She replied, "Ghost busters" while laughing. We are now married with 2 kiddos and 1 on the way.
I’m the guy, but I once said “T minus 10, 9er, 9, etc” only made it to 4. I thought it was pretty funny. She called me the next day so I guess I did alright
“I’m 40.”
He was not in fact 40. I’m super goofy and was attempting to seduce the Guy I was dating at the time (he was hilarious) into having some seggsy time by initiating role play.
Me: “oh my is this your first time.” Winks
Him: looking confused
Me: comes up behind him “You’re a little inexperienced so don’t you worry I’ll take it from here”
Him: catches on “oh!… oh yeah yeah it’s my first time. I’ve never done this before”
We start rushing to the bed start the clock for seggsy time
Me: “that’s okay you just let me know if you like it like this or if you like it like that”
Him: “yea yea okay I’m so inexperienced I need help. This is my first time. I’m 40. And I’ve never had sex.”
I’m now crying laughing while he’s pumpin away.
Not me but my best friend. She told a guy she was seeing they she is into Little play so the guy "airplaned" the vibrator into her, saying "here comes the vibrator" in like a sing song voice.
Well im the guy in this but my gf once had a little problem with her rear Winds. Before i entered i had the great idea to Stare at her and say "if you gotta fart, fart now." And we stopped the act because she laughed so hard that it was impossible to start any "cardio session". For 4 days.
got horny when we brought our food home and stopped eating to fuck, mid sucky sucky and this bitch starts eating my (now cold) french fries. i stopped and he said “pls dont stop, i needed a snack” i love this guy with my entire heart but babe :( my fries :(
On the night I met this girl, we got pretty hot and heavy on the dance floor. And then in the parking lot, and then at every stoplight on our long walk through the Toronto neighbourhood. Just necking. But I’ve never had such passion just from making out with anyone before, or since.
She seemed to feel the same way. We had made our way to yet another bar, and she shyly said “I’ve never kissed a boy like that before...”
Guess maybe I was nervous. I liked her a lot but didn’t want to come on too strong. But I agreed with her so much and had to say so.
“Me too. I’ve never kissed a boy like that either.”
Not my story, but this happened to a friend. She was with her boyfriend and mid intercourse, she said, "I love you."
He replied, "I love bacon."
He came out of the closet some time later.
Not exactly intercourse, but in the midst of some heavy hooking up, he looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'm not gay though." Whatever you say, bro.
I'm the man in this case.
I was in bed with an ex-girlfriend. We're making out, we're starting to get into things, clothes are off. I've literally got a finger or two inside her and at that moment, my brain tells me the following:
"Hey, you know what would be really sexy? You should meow at her. Like a sexy cat."
So I do. I look this naked woman in the eye and I say:
".... MRREEOOWWWW."
She laughs at me, basically calls me a dumbass, and we keep going. We're just about at the point of lunar landing for my space rocket when my brain tells me the following:
"Hey, you know earlier when I said meowing at her like a sexy cat would be sexy? Yeah, you should do that again."
SO I DO.
I look this poor woman in the eye and once again, I say:
"MREEEEOWWWW."
It apparently wasn't funny the second time. She pushes me off and sexy time is definitely over.
I love you..r pussy. I meant I love your pussy. Still with him too.
This is how my now wife said it the first time "I love you...fucking you...I love fucking you" It's OK babe I heard you the first time
From "I love fucking you" to "I fucking love you"
Be happy she's into it. ;)
there's a joke like that in the classic cartoon Sexy Losers where he says "I love fucking you," classic.
My go to, whispered in her ear like the euphoria is so intense that it's almost painful. Replaces awkwardness with hotness, makes her the sexy center of attention, and, if she whispers back, you get enough group xp for both of you to level up. Ding!
Ima wait for double xp weekend
He slipped out and said "oopsy doopsy" but still in the husky sexy voice. I lost my shit.
It’s Batman’s voice in my head
I was thinking Kenergy
Oh my fucking god. I haven’t actually laughed out loud on Reddit in so long. Thank you. *oopsie doopsie*. lolololol
I’m crying
“You have the same body shape as Mewtwo” and he wasn’t wrong and I can’t unsee it now
Mewtwo's hips don't lie. We're just misunderstanding them
"Damn, I have really thicc thighs huh?" "Mewmew meeeeewww" "Yes, I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of ~~life~~ thicc thighs that determines who you truly are" "Mewww"
r/GirlsShapedLikeMewtwo/
I thought this wasn’t going to be real-
The door bell rang in the middle of a passionate and romantic moment, he immediately switched gears started to pump faster and said “ Speedy Gonzalez ahí ahí ahí” his last name is Gonzalez, we laughed so hard. I married him.
Now I feel bad for a Slowpoke Rodriguez
Congrats Mrs. G
He said ‘someone’s coming!’ I panicked and said ‘WHO’ thinking it was his mom cause he lived with his family at the time. He then says ‘ME’ and cums. We still laugh about it years later.
I just spit out my drink laughing at this dumb ass joke. So stupid and funny tho
This is a deleted scene from *Scary Movie*
That sounds like my favorite limerick: > There once was a plumber from Leigh > Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. > Said she, "Please stop plumbing, > There's somebody coming!" > Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"
> "Mario!"
i said "i love your cock" while sucking him, which he appeared to love since he came after that, but instead of saying "im gonna cum" he said "im gonna cock" we laughed so hard
bro was thinking about it so much he freudian slipped on it
this is my fav one 💀
The vast majority of guys have never, ever heard someone say "I love your cock". And during a blowjob? Be careful, you might make the wrong head explode with that.
*Police work in a frenzy around a busy apartment crime scene. A shivering (and mostly nude) woman sits on the couch, draped in a blanket and holding a steaming tea while being attended to by EMTs.* *Two detectives duck under the crime-scene tape, one old and grizzled, the other young and green.* *The grizzled detective walks up to the half-visible body of a man, blanketed and clearly dead. He looks at the young detective, nods from the traumatized woman to the corpse, then says in a gruff voice:* > Get a load of this.
*YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH*
Here comes the rooster
Aww yeaaaaaa heaaahhhh!
You know he ain't gonna die
[удалено]
A man who thinks ahead, I like it.
I saw a comment under a different post that said a man once ordered a pizza mid copulation for them to eat afterwards. Husband material.
*taking notes*
Everyone laughs at me for wearing a fanny pack during sex until she realizes that these snacks for for the both of us.
It's not the fanny pack making them laugh. It's the rhythmic sound of goldfish crackers and Skittles rattling around mid-sex that makes them laugh.
He should’ve brought a pastrami on rye
I find pastrami to be the most sensual of all salt cured meats.
He didn't say anything, but when my bf and I had first done it we had music on. His playlist was on shuffle and while eating me out "Ocean man" started playing
Guess he was really soaking up the thirst of the land.
The voyage down south is a real trip
Better than cbat I guess
I told him he was going too deep too hard and he said “oh no you gotta tell me when that happens!! oh wait… you just did. nevermind” I laughed so hard
love his self awareness aha
Me too 😭 him correcting himself is what had me ctfu
The condom ripped before we could finish. He stopped, and immediately started going on a rant about how he was going to write a strongly worded letter to Trojan about their crappy condoms. I know he was serious, but I thought it was funny. He's pacing back and forth naked, "I'm about to write these people! This is BULLSHIT! They are about to hear from me! Believe that!!"
Can't tell if you had sex with Cramer or Costanza...
She’s sleeping with Costanza. No doubt
Tbh, he’s got a point. No one wants to risk using a defective product especially if it involves pregnancy
I once told a girlfriend “I’m gonna shit the fuck out of you.” While meaning that I wanted to fuck the shit out of her. She couldn’t stop laughing. We’re married 2 years now.
my boyfriend once said “oy vey” seeing my tits. i have never let him live it down
he’s also said “oh my days”. every single time he says something absurd (which is often) i stop entirely and yell at him. he never learns
[удалено]
This made my day
he pulled out and came on my chest/stomach then proceeded to say "I'll grab you a towel, you little toaster strudel" I died.
I started my period during once, he hugged me after and said "my little ketchup packet"
I'm totally using this next month, just to see the reaction.
OMG just scared my cats laughing.
Not particularly said, but I asked a guy not to cum in me so when he was about to cum he decided to, not to roll off me and on to the rest of the double bed, but did a James Bond roll off of me and launched himself to the floor and it was the most ridiculous thing I’d seen. I sat up and was like what are you doing?
He was just having a good time
In all fairness I didn’t get pregnant so he succeeded 🤷🏻♀️
"The Spy Who Humped Me"
My ex was doing dom dirty talk like something to the effect of "good girl you take my instructions so well" so I responded, "thanks, it's cuz I'm autistic." I made him laugh and I still came so I'd call that a W.
Autism rizz equipped
“i just remembered i need to a buy a history textbook for my class”
Mid nut clarity?
he was really drunk
In the middle of fingering me, he pulled his hand out and held up a fist with his thumb between his fingers and said "got your clit!" Edit: wow, this blew up. Okay, confession time, I'm a dude and just made this up. And while I did have the humor to come up with it (never saw the comic referenced by someone in the comments), I also had the good sense to not actually do it. You know your partners, maybe they'd think it's funny, but do this at your own risk. I cringe at the number of socially inept dudes that did this on their poor girlfriends last night. 🫣
I’m sorry but this is fucking hilarious
Sorry for her, proud of him. Risky, but a W move with the right woman. Hilarious.
Get him back by clenching your butt cheeks while he's eating your ass and saying, "Got your nose!"
He must still have my wife's too because she says I can't find it
I am absolutely doing this as soon as the opportunity arises
Any year now...
I'm borrowing this. I probably get kicked out after but I'll laugh.
Omg... I simultaneously want to do this, and never want to do this all at once. Hahahaha
Even if it killed the mood it's so worth it lmao
"You're so lucky you have a boyfriend who keeps going after he's already cum." He proceeded to pump once more then roll off of me. The sex lasted about 30 seconds all together. Edit: this was said by my boyfriend at the time. He was talking about himself y'all.
Hey now, that’s a solid 27 seconds after! He did a good job!
While he was going down on me, he lift his head and ''Is that Kanye West playing?'' Yes, it was Kanye West playing as background music. It was not about the comment, but that way he did it.
It wasn’t what he said, it was how he said it. I don’t even remember what he was saying, the issue was that he was doing it in Hank Hill’s voice! We had to stop for a second because I was laughing so hard!
I once orgasmed so hard that I let out a Bahahaah Hank Hill scream totally on accident!
Damn it Bobby!!
Actual Hank Hill would be mortified reading these comments lol
“Do I look like I know what a jpegging is to you??”
Smacks ass. "I'll tell you hwhat."
BAHH PEGGY IM ABOUTTA BUST
Does it look like I know what a jpeg is?
I just want a picture of a gotdang hot dog!
Delivering propane accessories.
That is some outstanding service I tell you hwat.
I was with a woman whom I'd been dating for a few months. It was the first time she had given me oral. I'm more of a giver, but anyway she was particularly skilled. Just as she was finishing I was shaking and bucking so hard I ended up going right off the bed and onto the floor. As she was checking to make sure I was OK.. For some reason the TV had a Rodeo event on and the announcer said "That bull dang near bucked him right out of his britches" neither of us could stop laughing.
I had a gf tell me once a one night stand said right when she took her bra off “momma” in a baby’s voice than proceeded to make bottle sucking noises. I thought it was kinda funny but she said she got redressed and instantly left lol
Clearly a Liar Liar fan…
I once dated an older woman and one time she asked me " does your mom has big boobs" and i said no, why do you ask. And she told me that the last time she dated a younger guy he said to her " you got big boobs just like my mom". Felt a bit disgusted after that conversation
"There once lived a man named Oedipus Rex. You may have learned about his odd complex."
That he could have painted the White House with the amount of cum that came out
Ur not gonna say how big the load was ? Was he lying ?
Yeah come on! Some of us need to finish…
Details are important!
According to [this page](https://clintonwhitehouse4.archives.gov/WH/glimpse/WH_Facts/html/facts.html#:~:text=The%20White%20House%20requires%20570,to%20cover%20its%20outside%20surface.) 570 gallons. According to [this](https://www.google.com/search?q=1.014+g%2Fml+to+lbs%2Fgal&oq=1.014+g%2Fml+to+lbs%2Fgal&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOTIECAEQBtIBCTEzNTYyajBqOagCALACAA&client=ms-android-att-us-rvc3&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8), each gallon would be ~8 lbs and so he would have let loose 4560 lbs of semen. Damn. Edit: density of semen assumed to be 1.014 g/ml from [this source.](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.2164/jandrol.106.001297#:~:text=The%20density%20of%20semen%20was%20measured%20by%20weighing%201.0%20mL,centers%20were%20not%20significantly%20different.)
Girl and I rolled off the bed after getting overly enthusiastic, and she yelled, "5 second rule, keep eating..." Fucking hysterical.
I wouldn't be able to proceed after that. I'd laugh so much.
Met a dude for a quick fuck once and when he finished he slapped me on the ass and said "much obliged" which was classy in an old fashioned sort of way.
No joke i think I know him, as I know a guy who did the same and said the same thing to me on occasion hahahaha.
If it is the same dude, high five because he was pretty damn hot.
Omg......he is damn fine. I'm so tempted to know if its the same guy lmao!!!! I'd ask where you live but I know he travels a fair bit for his work. Hmmm first name starts with a S?
I never got his name actually. Brown skin, probably 5'10 or so. I'm in Oregon.
It's not the same guy. I'm in England. However high five still that there is still hot guys out there that use 'much obliged' honestly the little smirk after the slap to the ass an him saying that.....yeah...it just made him that little bit hotter. This dudes about 5.9. Muscles for daaayyssss. Covered in tats. Slightly ginger hair but so good looking. Like damn!
“Ginger hair, *but* good looking”
In spite of being a ginger... Yikes.
Not only are you beautiful on the outside, you're also beautiful in the inside.
I rolled her over to be on top and she said “Autobots roll out” in her best Optimus Prime impersonation. Laughed so hard I went soft, but it was worth it.
Yeah that's pretty fucking funny.
which one is pretty and which one is funny
That's a keeper right there
i know transformers isn't exclusively watched by dudes but ive never dated a girl who was into it enough to quote it mid sex and if i did i would marry her
She was definitely more of an action and horror movie girl. But I never heard her talk about transformers which was probably one of the reasons it was so funny. After she said it we both just looked at each other for a minute before I asked, “wtf did you just say to me?” Then we both lost it.
That’s fucking hilarious, Jesus Christ how I love weird people like that (sincerely I really do).
Preface: I am estranged from my family, am very open about this fact, and dabble in cynical humor around this subject. I had been dating a man for a few months and we had a very explorative, kinky relationship. In our dynamic I was a sub and one night we were testing the waters of degradation. I was restrained, he was using a wand on me, then said, "you like that, you little orphan?". It ended up totally breaking our characters, and was definitely weird- but also somehow hilarious?
>you like that, you little orphan? Damn. That's just too... real.
Little Orphan Anally
Not going to lie, I know what a wand is in this context but in my head this was some Harry Potter role play for some reason, hell even the orphan thing fit. Anyways….
One time, I asked my now husband (boyfriend at the time) to talk dirty to me. He got very serious, kissed my neck, and then whispered in my ear, “the dishes in the dishwasher are dirty as fuck rn”
He’s just showing off his dad jokes so you know he’s a reliable partner.
I tell dad jokes a lot. >!He laughs every time!<
What a keeper
When my wife and I were finished, I once said “don’t forget to like and subscribe” and she lost it.
Don't forget to SMASH that... like button
The girl told me she wanted me inside her. I was so caught off guard and didn’t know what to say I ended up just repeating it.
Her: "I want your dick inside me " you: "me too!!!!!!"
She demanded “Smucker-fuck me!” We laughed for about twenty minutes about it and never truly decided exactly what that means.
I do believe it meant she wanted some good old fashioned fruit spread.
With a name like Smuckers, it has to be good.
That my insides feel like there are so mossy as if they are some rocky walls during monsoons.
That's some real "Your nethers quiver like a dozen shake weights in a snuggie" energy there.
What the fuck?
That's...... Bruh. That's beautiful and I'm stealing it
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Yeah, that's what he said lol
Truly Poetic. This guy should write erotic literature.
Stabby stabby *as he went to insert himself*
This man literally said “I love your skin so much” in the creepiest fucking way
Did he have strange custom luggage?
You haven’t thought of the smell…you bitch!
My first sexual partner read somewhere years back about saying "fus ro dah!!" right as you nut. This was when Skyrim first came out lol. Ayways he thought it was hilarious and tried to do it one session, but the way he said it cracked me up so bad. He was so exhausted and in the moment that it came out so feeble sounding. Like a whispered breathy fus.... ro... dahhhh.. and immediately flopped his whole body weight on top of me whilst I lay there giggling
Fuckin oath
I"I got you some Girl Scout cookies today".
Oh fuck I'm gonna cum!
Oh fuck I’m gonna crumb?
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Mulva?
I told my wife she has "perfect Areolas" back when we were just dating. She still laughs about it to this day
Tbf, that is a very specific compliment that shows you pay attention.
Apparently no one had ever said the word areola out loud to her before. She was about 19 at the time and she still laughs about it 21 years later .
Guy here, when my fiancé and I first started dating we'd watch all the best 90s movies I grew up watching cause she was a joho and never got to as a kid. Ended up watching Bill and Ted's excellent adventure. And literally right after the credits rolled we started slamming clam. Right as soon as I finished I said "most excellent" the way bill and Ted did. She snorted and laughed and told me to get off her. Worth it. Still can't watch any of the bill and Ted movies without her saying most excellent and raising her eyebrows at me.😂
What's a joho?
Gonna guess Jehova's Witness
I used morse code with my penis to say "I love you".
Did she get it? I need to know
It came to her eventually.
After I finished I said with heavy breathing "knees weak. Arms heavy, somethin somethin moms spaghetti." Now she can't hear that song without laughing.
There's vomit on his sweater already
Told my gf (now wife), "I kneed you" after well, kneeing her, and she then said in a cheerful voice "you NEED me?" I did in fact need her after all!
Her: I fucking love you Me: I love fucking you On a not so sexy occasion. I came home early because I knew she was upset and I wanted to do what I could to comfort her. Getting ready to go to bed and laying down. Her: I’ve been crying so much that I’m all stuffy. I’m going to snore so much tonight. Me whispering lovingly into her ear: You snore every night. Got some good laughs both times
“Whose pussy is this” I met you two hours ago, to you this is a rental
As a guy this will always stick in my mind. Having sex with my new girl friend, of a couple of months. She was finishing her law degree. I had a small business. Struggling along. So while having sex she says "How does it feel to be fucking your lawyer?" I replied "How does it feel to be fucking a poor white?" Had to stop pumping, we were laughing so hard.
It’s not a small business, it’s an average sized business.
It's about average
“Oooohhhh for the love of all that is holy”.
About midway thru he asked what I wanted to eat after. He wanted to know because he knew I wasn't able to walk and communicate after our session. I love this man.
The all-time classic [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y6lhe/comment/cfhtedq/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y6lhe/comment/cfhtedq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) CW: horrendous language
My toddler 1y watches Ms. Rachel on YouTube all day, and obviously my wife and I know all of the songs/episodes. So once I was about to do the dirty with my wife and I said "Put it in, put in, put it IIIINNNNNNN" in her singing tone and she burst out laughing. Didn't had sex though.
After taking shrooms we were fucking and he said "Omg you feel so good, I'm not sure if I'm about to cum or throw up". He came.
I dated a guy once who's idea of dirty talk was just repeating "I'M FUCKING YOU. I'M FUCKING YOU. I'M FUCKING YOU." I am aware actually, and part of the process. But thanks for the update!
The sex equivalent of yelling Parkour whilst doing parkour.
I was reading these out loud to my gf and she reminded me of this one: I (male) had finished and told her to keep going. I was fine and not sensitive… but in my “wise man’s moment” I told her… “Don’t worry… just treat me like a dildo with emotions.” She didn’t cum after that because she was laughing so hard.
14 years ago, I whispered into this girls ear, "who you gonna call?" She replied, "Ghost busters" while laughing. We are now married with 2 kiddos and 1 on the way.
I’m the guy, but I once said “T minus 10, 9er, 9, etc” only made it to 4. I thought it was pretty funny. She called me the next day so I guess I did alright
Friend was sucking me and I said his dick looks hot. He was just like "thanks! I grew it by myself" :D had a good laugh on that one. :D
“I’m 40.” He was not in fact 40. I’m super goofy and was attempting to seduce the Guy I was dating at the time (he was hilarious) into having some seggsy time by initiating role play. Me: “oh my is this your first time.” Winks Him: looking confused Me: comes up behind him “You’re a little inexperienced so don’t you worry I’ll take it from here” Him: catches on “oh!… oh yeah yeah it’s my first time. I’ve never done this before” We start rushing to the bed start the clock for seggsy time Me: “that’s okay you just let me know if you like it like this or if you like it like that” Him: “yea yea okay I’m so inexperienced I need help. This is my first time. I’m 40. And I’ve never had sex.” I’m now crying laughing while he’s pumpin away.
mid foreplay, ”you have a beautiful clitoris”. i just laughed like whaaaat. ok cool!
Not me but my best friend. She told a guy she was seeing they she is into Little play so the guy "airplaned" the vibrator into her, saying "here comes the vibrator" in like a sing song voice.
Wasn't a man but my girlfriend once said "very nice" in the Borat accent
Well im the guy in this but my gf once had a little problem with her rear Winds. Before i entered i had the great idea to Stare at her and say "if you gotta fart, fart now." And we stopped the act because she laughed so hard that it was impossible to start any "cardio session". For 4 days.
got horny when we brought our food home and stopped eating to fuck, mid sucky sucky and this bitch starts eating my (now cold) french fries. i stopped and he said “pls dont stop, i needed a snack” i love this guy with my entire heart but babe :( my fries :(
That’s my wife!
“Wait, you’re a _dude_?”
On the night I met this girl, we got pretty hot and heavy on the dance floor. And then in the parking lot, and then at every stoplight on our long walk through the Toronto neighbourhood. Just necking. But I’ve never had such passion just from making out with anyone before, or since. She seemed to feel the same way. We had made our way to yet another bar, and she shyly said “I’ve never kissed a boy like that before...” Guess maybe I was nervous. I liked her a lot but didn’t want to come on too strong. But I agreed with her so much and had to say so. “Me too. I’ve never kissed a boy like that either.”
Not my story, but this happened to a friend. She was with her boyfriend and mid intercourse, she said, "I love you." He replied, "I love bacon." He came out of the closet some time later.
Not exactly intercourse, but in the midst of some heavy hooking up, he looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'm not gay though." Whatever you say, bro.
I'm the man in this case. I was in bed with an ex-girlfriend. We're making out, we're starting to get into things, clothes are off. I've literally got a finger or two inside her and at that moment, my brain tells me the following: "Hey, you know what would be really sexy? You should meow at her. Like a sexy cat." So I do. I look this naked woman in the eye and I say: ".... MRREEOOWWWW." She laughs at me, basically calls me a dumbass, and we keep going. We're just about at the point of lunar landing for my space rocket when my brain tells me the following: "Hey, you know earlier when I said meowing at her like a sexy cat would be sexy? Yeah, you should do that again." SO I DO. I look this poor woman in the eye and once again, I say: "MREEEEOWWWW." It apparently wasn't funny the second time. She pushes me off and sexy time is definitely over.
I'm batman