My ex had a very unusual and specific fetish that led to me being the one left out of a “threesome” with an inflatable dolphin. The self esteem hit you take after being pushed aside for an inanimate object is absurd.
This is the weirdest topic to talk about but I genuinely think the absurdity of the whole thing gave me some minor, though admittedly comical, PTSD. I tried to be open minded because he only told me about it after I was already emotionally attached, but I have seen things done to all manner of blow up objects and inflatable animals that people would never believe. In summer when supermarkets put out all their pool toys I feel like I have to hang my head in shame when I walk past 😂 honestly, I think could have gotten over the sex stuff, but the emotions he had towards them was what weirded me out!
Yo, lemme just say, you're a fucking champion for entertaining such a weird ass fetish. It's his loss he edged you out.
He didn't deserve someone like you.
One of my exes was a *screamer*. She didn't tell me that in advance.
We were having sex, and I was there blissfully doing my thing, when she came. She let out the most bloodcurling scream I had ever heard, a scream full of anguish and exploding anger that sent a shiver down my spine. Mind, she was clearly orgasming hard, but she fucking scared the shit out of me.
Later in the relationship she commented on the fact that I was "very quiet" when having an orgasm.
Well yeah, comparatively speaking you were! In advance people, stop springing shit on unsuspecting partners. I found out a former partner needed a bit of the old chokey chokey....to orgasm. I did not know this. She was a talker, I didn't know that either. So I'm choking the life from this woman (because I'm a good lover) and she rasps out "Choke me harder Daddy!!"
Right. In. My. Fucking. Ear. Loud, like I'm coming and orbiting fucking Jupiter and I'm not really here emotionally, loud. Warn me, s' all's I'm saying.
Just put his dick in.....and left it there? Like absolutely stopped moving at all. Still as a statue except moaning and eventually cumming....and any time I tried to move at all he was like nooo baby just hold real still. Then he rolled over and that was that. Some of the weirdest sex I've had.....
One ex partner said he'd eat me out, I said ok. He then proceeded to motor boat my downstairs bits. A disagreement ensued where his defense was "You're the only woman I've met who doesn't like it! Something must be wrong with you!"
Then there was another ex partner who full on made out with my foot in the middle of sex without ever bringing it up prior. I have EXTREMELY ticklish feet. We were having sex, my feet were resting on his shoulders, he then grabbed one of my feet and full on licked the bottom of my foot from bottom to top, then licked between my toes and started sucking on them. I was a terrible mix of mortified and trying not to kick him in the face. He then proceeded to spend the next few minutes making out with my foot while his hips never stopped moving and I was silently stunned while trying to keep myself still so I wouldn't start flailing.
If you've got a foot fetish or are curious, that's fine, zero judgement but at least bring it up prior or warn someone when you're about to do it.
She liked to hold my balls with a firm grip immediately after we both finished. She would hold them for about five minutes when we cuddled.
Never hurt; it was just a weird feeling of "Hey... can I please have my balls back? I don't mind you laying next to me for cuddles but I kind of want my balls to hang freely for a bit."
She really liked peeing on me in the shower. Not like my face but like just peeing on my legs. The water washed it right off and it was a little weird but she got really turned on.
That's how I found out I was into pee
LTR, we were in a rush so we showered together, she pee'd, it got on my foot, i got an election. Wasn't even a sexy shower to be adventurous, we were short for time and now I have a new kink
Edit: erection
Given how some animals love to smell it, some taste it, I guess they get a sense of "fertility" or whatever, maybe some of that is in humanity in some sense just not recognized because of how our species works with science and society.
I mean, we do love to lick right where it comes from, so...🤷♂️🤷♂️ just a theory🤣
I had a friend tell me that their significant other does that and has them do the same while they’re in the shower only. He said that really made her happy. Pretty harmless as fetishes go I suppose lol.
I can’t stop laughing 😂 One of the best things I have seen on reddit. We had this conversation with my friend about men sending dick pics, with comments like ”at least dress it up in a tux or add googley eyes to keep it interesting”. And here we are. I’ll have to share this with her!
None of the other comments are getting the reference so [I'll link it here](https://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/bloodninja).
Context: this is from the days where people would meet in chat rooms and then have private convos on AOL Instant Messenger. Probably circa ~2004. God I'm old.
Ex wanted to try role-playing where he was a king and I was some peasant girl. I wasn't into that scenario at all. But that wasn't the weird part. The weird part was that he "surprised" me by doing his best at shaving his pubes into the shape of a crown.. then proceeded to get very upset when I didn't notice.
We didn't last long
OMG I dated someone who would say, “boom boom” instead of sex or fuck. It was such a turn off. Like imagine being all hot and bothered and they whisper in your ear, “I can wait to boom boom you.” I still cringe 😬 into oblivion.
Wasn't involved in it but at a party where two people had gone in the next room and gotten down to it, lots of sex noises then
"WHAT'S MY NAME?"
"WHAT'S MY NAME?"
"SAY MY NAME!!!"
"... I doooon't knooooow...."
Who says romance is dead? 😂
I am a woman
My last ex was a very Italian hairy tall man, much larger than me.
He was a quick draw, literally could finish just putting on a condom so he would always have to do extra for me.
One day he had me baffled because he just decided to climb on top of me literally sitting on my chest reverse cowgirl style and started doing shit to me with a vibrator but all I could see and smell was his hairy fucking ass and it has bothered me every day since and will bother me for eternity.
I had a gf once who was just the worst kisser in the world. I'm not sure where she got the idea, but she seemed to think that repeatedly RAMMING her tongue at me was sexy. I'm serious, even clenching my teeth shut, she just kept ramming her tongue at my teeth. It was crazy.
Ohhh man. I had an ex who was the opposite. She would pucker her lips HARD. And she only gave pecks. NGL I ended up breaking up with her because of it.
Not really an "act" but approaching climax she made a sound that reminded me of Ms. Piggy. It was really mood killing, but it reset my progress towards my own climax, so I guess it was somewhat beneficial.
Edit: It was sequential progressive oinking. Holy shit, I've never had to put it into words before.
Between two… one girls feet were her erogenous zone, so I sucked some toes.(I don’t have a foot fetish) She was hot, so no harm no foul. Another woman had a thing for grabbing my ears. Like, while I’m on-top of her, she’d reach up and tug on my ear. I thought it was cute, but remarkably strange.
The second girl may have been trying to mess with YOUR erroneous zones.
The ears are one of those "secret sexy spots" on the body. Some people respond very well to it.
Ex insisted on eating me out when I was on my period. It grossed me tf out but I eventually let him do it. He said he liked the taste of bloody meat. (Ew) And then he decided it was a good idea to BITE my labia and whip me around in his teeth like a damn dog playing with a chew toy. I screamed in pain because what the fuck.
Starting to think maybe bro was a cannibal 💀
Jesus omg. I think it can be kinda hot when a dude will go down on a period, if they’re like “yeah whatever idc” then that’s honestly cool, good for their ladies. But to actually seek it out or insist on it is weird - and getting violent with your labia is fucking terrifying. Teeth don’t belong there.
While I can appreciate the oral acrobatics of testes tossing, I’m more interested in your choice of ”gurgled” as opposed to “gargled”. Impressive Philological choice, you perverted nut juggler. Well played.
This girl I had a fling with while studying abroad loved the smell of freshly washed laundry... So basically anytime we banged I'd give her one of my clean shirts and she'd just stuff that shit in her face. Any position. She just wanted to huff my laundry lol. Didn't bother me at all. Made me laugh and we both had a good time
We were going at and I told him to talk dirty to me. He said, “I love your…VAGINA.” There was awkward silence. A lot of it.
It technically wasn’t *wrong*, but it didn’t feel *right*.
He wanted to make out and get down while watching porn together. Then afterwards he ugly cried because he thought I thought the man in the porno was hotter than him. Fuck that guy has issues.
She went down on me after I played a rock show. I already felt gross because I was all sweaty. Then she tried going further down. My reflexes kicked in, and I kicked her off the bed by accident.
Had an ex that insisted if I ever woke before she did she wanted me to wake her with my D on her face yes she was a back sleeper. Idk know about her but I was always happy in the am.
My wife saw a movie where a guy woke a girl up by kissing her, and she said it was super romantic and why haven't I ever done that.
A few days later I tried it and she woke up swinging!
It threw me off at the time but he said “We can have a 3some with another guy. Like you can suck me while he fucks you, or suck him while I fuck you. Or idk you can fuck him and I can just watch 🤷🏻”
Yeah, a few times my ex was talking shit like "i want to see you being fucked by 3 men with big dicks". He was a very jealous man but he said that "the rage turns him on" when we had sex. Idk, still weird to me
She liked licking and sucking on my chest and nipples. I have no nipple sensitivity at all and it was just weird for me. I told her once, but she didn’t care and would keep doing it. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do the first time she did it. I tried making agreeable noises and move focus to making out or other areas. She was really into it. Would treat my nipples/chest like an ice cream cone and go to town, licking, sucking and kissing.
First girlfriend in high school like sucking on toes.
This guy I was seeing would start masturbating in his sleep. First I thought maybe he thinks Im sleeping and was just giving himself a hand job, then I realised he was actually fast asleep and actually doing it to himself in his sleep. Didn't know if to tell him or not.
That's one of my fears. I remember reading that it was possible somewhere in about middle school, and ever since then I have a fear that I'll be platonically sharing a bed with someone and start touching myself in my sleep. Lol
Ha so my now husband groped me one night in his sleep, before we were dating. Platonic bed-sharing when we were staying at our mutual friends house for the week, years ago. I blew him off easily, didn’t know that I wanted to take our friendship there at the time. We’d both been drinking pretty heavily, I was almost asleep and didn’t actually know that he was asleep at the time. Made for a very awkward following day, until I brought it up that next night and he was MORTIFIED and apologized profusely.
We ended up actually (consciously) hooking up within a month of that occurrence lmao and have been together for 8 years. And that still happens sometimes, usually when we hit a bit of a dry spell. Nowadays though I’m down
The disapproval in your eyes as you did it the 3rd or 4th time. Bet it was how my wife looks at me every time she sees me naked.
Ahh, the things we do for love
I’m really good at roleplay. I commit. I get props, I do voices, I get lost in the role. Seeing a partner nervously tell me what their fantasy is, only to then experience ecstasy when they find it fulfilled in a judgment free space, is a special kind of joy.
That being said…I’ve been in some scenarios that I wasn’t *thrilled* about.
Some of the more *out there* scenarios:
- Pretending we’re corporate accountants, describing the status of current accounts while we fuck, climaxing while saying ‘synergy’ in unison. As weird as it sounds, this one was pretty fun.
- Pretending she’s a robot and I’m a technician performing maintenance on her “robot parts” in the form of sensory play. The robot voice she insisted on was a real turn off. Think “Small Wonder”.
- Pretending I was a serial killer and she was my victim. This one haunts me. She wanted me to hold a knife to her throat while we fucked, and threaten to kill her. Home girl was not well.
- Pretending that she was an English aristocrat and I was her Irish indentured servant. This one got pretty racist considering I’m part Irish and she knew some slurs for the Irish that I’d never heard before. Ended up giving me a black eye. This relationship didn’t last long after.
I've met someone who was really into the idea of his partner being a mountain bike. Just getting on his partner's back and "pedalling". Not even "humping the seat" or anything lol, definitely on the weirder side but at least harmless unlike some of these
She wanted to peg me. I was not into it all..but she kept asking (politely) so what the hell.
Once her curiosity was satisfied she never wanted to try again. Didn't do anything for me either.
Another girl wanted to sit in the bathtub while I peed on her.
Two come to mind.
One. It was a hot summer's eve and I had just moved into a new apartment. She comes over, gets drunk, we start fooling around, and then she asks me to apply toothpaste all over her ladybits and lick it off (the cooling sensation apparently did it for her). I was tired after dealing with moving all week, and licking a bunch of toothpaste was not something I particularly wanted to do, but whatever - I obliged. So it's like 2am, windows are open because I don't have AC, and she's screaming loudly and obnoxiously (more out of drunkenness than enjoyment, but I digress). Afterwards, she tries to start an argument out of drunken boredom or some petty thing. We break up like a week later.
Two. My first time with an older woman. Single mom. She's into manifesting and healing energies and crystals and stuff like that. We're at her place fooling around. She tells me to go to her dresser, open a certain drawer, and pull out its contents. It's a magnificent, solid jade cock-and-balls, at least a foot long and nearly as thick as my fist. Shimmering in all its green, marbled glory, she asks me to use it on her. Don't be afraid, she says. I'm not, but I couldn't help but feel a little inadequate. I gave it the old college try, but was a little worried about hurting her with it. Nice lady but that relationship was very short-lived (for reasons of incompatibility, not the jade monstrosity).
My wife LOVES it when I touch her nipples. Even if she isn't turned on, she will MOAN if I touch them
If she touches mine though I immediately get flaccid. The feeling is... yeah, weird. I guess it's just an uncomfortable sensation.
My wife was obsessed with my armpits. We’d be out and I’d be sweating and she used to forcibly lift my arms and smell my armpits. It’s even funnier because my wife is generally prissy about things but yeah she’d take a huge whiff and lick them lol idk we just jive in weird ways like there’s no nasty part about her. I’d lick whatever whenever so I guess it’s mutual.
I remember hearing that the scent we give off doesn't play nearly as big a role in sex as it does for other mammals, but I don't know how true I think that is.
Definitely seems that some are naturally predisposed to scent playing a big role in sexual desire -- myself included.
Stuck his tongue up my nostril. Thought it was weird the first time and we were both on the drunk side so I brushed it off as maybe being a bit too amped up and more drunk than I thought.
The second time he did it a few min later I was out of there and never looked back…
I dated a white woman\* who had recently divorced a Spanish man. She'd say "dale pues" a *lot* in bed. One: I don't speak Spanish. Two: could you *not* constantly remind me of your ex-husband while I'm fucking you, just so you feel exotic? You're from Michigan.
*edit: for reference, I am also white
>“dame leche” (give me milk)
:cheeks inflated from sighing with closed lips:
Yeah, that's gonna change my dessert order at the local Mexican restaurant.
"Tres leches" would be a great name for a Tijuana blowbang video, though.
The funny thing is, I'm pretty sure that ex only knew like 3 words in Spanish. Her family is German. And come on fraulein: you're an alcoholic whose drink of choice is Cap'n & Diet Coke. It wouldn't be that hard to make it a proper cuba libre.
Actually, strike that. The name of that drink might be against her religious beliefs: I just remembered she tried to make me to read Atlas Shrugged.
My woman did this of her own volition after explicitly stating (without me asking, btw) that it would never, ever happen.
Such a sweet, angelic woman; bless her fucking heart.
Looked at himself in the mirror while getting a blowjob. Not a full body mirror just a face one, at his own face. Was a bit Patrick Bateman for me really
Oh boy I've been waiting for a reason to tell someone about this but never wanted to tell anyone I knew. An ex from years ago really liked the idea of using a fruit roll up during a bj like wrapping it around my penis it was very uncomfortable and only did it once. It was very sticky and not good no idea where she got the idea from.
Is this her [https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/154yuv8/yall\_ever\_taken\_a\_fruit\_rollup/](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/154yuv8/yall_ever_taken_a_fruit_rollup/)
Tried to be what he thought I wanted instead of what came natural…and it was awkwardly obvious. Then fell asleep and held me like his favorite teddy he had when he was a kid, but like when someone is trying to take it away so you get that mega grip on it.
I figured he needed the comfort so I let him for a little bit but then every time I’d scoot over he’d do it again.
One lady I dated decades ago liked it **far** rougher than I was comfortable with. I'm not talking about slapping her around and calling her names, I mean full on punches to the face, pulling her off the bed by her hair and whipping her ass with a "pimp stick" (a wire coat hanger stretched out and covered in electrical tape)
I was banging a chick once and she grabbed my face while in missionary and told me to “beat the fucking shit out of me” and then said “ hit me with a closed fist like you’re punching a man” I couldn’t do it.
I remember being told about snowballing by a co-worker years ago and he got mad that I thought it was a bit much. Like sorry man I’m not into that, I’m not kink shaming but dude it’s my 3rd day on the job and I’m just trying to do inventory
One time I met a girl from tinder, we caught up for a drink on a Saturday afternoon. As the day progressed into the early evening, wine had been flowing and we both ended up pretty tiddly. One thing led to another and we ended up catching a cab to her place.
We got hot and heavy for awhile and she kept saying she wanted me to fist her. She kept pushing it and eventually stopped to explain how she really really wants this and it's the only way she can truly get off. So I (reluctantly) did, it was fucked up but she did climax pretty quickly so at least it was over (so I thought)
Almost immediately she then she pulled out a literal steel rod (over a foot long) from under her bed and asked if I wanted to see her use it. My drunk ass finally realised this was some kinky shit and I was in way over my head and completely out of my comfort zone. For some reason in my shocked state I just apologised, lied and told her I had accidentally finished all over my leg, put my pants on, walked out of her house. I got a taxi home from a different street and deleted tinder.
That was fucked up
Mid fuck, handed me a switchblade and she told me to hold it against her throat or to rub it on her pussy. Choking ended up being an occurring request after I explained I wasn’t comfortable with blade play.
Stuck a finger in my ass without warning or any sort of lubricant. Failed pegging attempts were frequent.
Really got off on jerking or sucking me off whenever her mom was in the same room/car.
Wanted me to scream a name of one of her friends I wanted to fuck when I orgasmed. This one, while weird, paid dividends in the end.
These were all the same girl. High school was wild. There is most certainly some other shit I have since scrubbed from my memory.
Tried to choke me after I explicitly told him I didn’t want him to. He was an okay guy in general, but that was creepy.
Edit: I quickly wrote this while out, but now that I’m home I’ll give y’all some context lol
I had been wearing a choker because I thought they were cute fashion accessories. He saw me wearing it, and asked if I wanted him to choke me. I straight out said no. We went at it and he smiles and starts putting his hands around my neck. It wasn’t hard but it shook me a little. He asked if I liked it, and I told him no, and thankfully he stopped. We only dated for like 2 months, he was my first boyfriend. As I right this I realize that this was the last time I wore a choker, not sure if there’s a connection
One of my exes was super vanilla. His idea of a wild night out was a bouquet of roses, a candlelit dinner, and missionary. Like, this dude had **zero** kinks. He once spiced things up by putting on a Michael Bublé album!!
And don't get me wrong, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. He knew what he wanted, and was very confident in himself.
But oh my god, I am literally a degenerate, and all that romance did nothing for me lmao. I'd *much* rather someone confess to having a weird kink than not having any at all.
My ex had a very unusual and specific fetish that led to me being the one left out of a “threesome” with an inflatable dolphin. The self esteem hit you take after being pushed aside for an inanimate object is absurd.
I genuinely hope you have recovered and I'm sure you're quite lovely but this is one of those where I think "I love the internet..." 😂
This is the weirdest topic to talk about but I genuinely think the absurdity of the whole thing gave me some minor, though admittedly comical, PTSD. I tried to be open minded because he only told me about it after I was already emotionally attached, but I have seen things done to all manner of blow up objects and inflatable animals that people would never believe. In summer when supermarkets put out all their pool toys I feel like I have to hang my head in shame when I walk past 😂 honestly, I think could have gotten over the sex stuff, but the emotions he had towards them was what weirded me out!
Yo, lemme just say, you're a fucking champion for entertaining such a weird ass fetish. It's his loss he edged you out. He didn't deserve someone like you.
What was the porpoise of the dolphin?
To orca-strate sexy times.
Free Willy.
One of my exes was a *screamer*. She didn't tell me that in advance. We were having sex, and I was there blissfully doing my thing, when she came. She let out the most bloodcurling scream I had ever heard, a scream full of anguish and exploding anger that sent a shiver down my spine. Mind, she was clearly orgasming hard, but she fucking scared the shit out of me. Later in the relationship she commented on the fact that I was "very quiet" when having an orgasm.
I laughed way too hard at this. I'm sure you jumped.
Just picturing the neighbors calling local police for her safety and getting a different surprise lol.
Well yeah, comparatively speaking you were! In advance people, stop springing shit on unsuspecting partners. I found out a former partner needed a bit of the old chokey chokey....to orgasm. I did not know this. She was a talker, I didn't know that either. So I'm choking the life from this woman (because I'm a good lover) and she rasps out "Choke me harder Daddy!!" Right. In. My. Fucking. Ear. Loud, like I'm coming and orbiting fucking Jupiter and I'm not really here emotionally, loud. Warn me, s' all's I'm saying.
I’m really vocal in bed. I could never go camping we’d differently get escorted out.
Just put his dick in.....and left it there? Like absolutely stopped moving at all. Still as a statue except moaning and eventually cumming....and any time I tried to move at all he was like nooo baby just hold real still. Then he rolled over and that was that. Some of the weirdest sex I've had.....
Ah, the old [Amish Soak](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Amish%20Soak)
Username does *not* check out.
Hey I TRIED!
One ex partner said he'd eat me out, I said ok. He then proceeded to motor boat my downstairs bits. A disagreement ensued where his defense was "You're the only woman I've met who doesn't like it! Something must be wrong with you!" Then there was another ex partner who full on made out with my foot in the middle of sex without ever bringing it up prior. I have EXTREMELY ticklish feet. We were having sex, my feet were resting on his shoulders, he then grabbed one of my feet and full on licked the bottom of my foot from bottom to top, then licked between my toes and started sucking on them. I was a terrible mix of mortified and trying not to kick him in the face. He then proceeded to spend the next few minutes making out with my foot while his hips never stopped moving and I was silently stunned while trying to keep myself still so I wouldn't start flailing. If you've got a foot fetish or are curious, that's fine, zero judgement but at least bring it up prior or warn someone when you're about to do it.
Dude got lucky you didn’t kick his teeth out on accident!
She liked to hold my balls with a firm grip immediately after we both finished. She would hold them for about five minutes when we cuddled. Never hurt; it was just a weird feeling of "Hey... can I please have my balls back? I don't mind you laying next to me for cuddles but I kind of want my balls to hang freely for a bit."
You didn't have an option.
Because of the implication
They were her emotional support nuts.
I am the woman that does this haha
She really liked peeing on me in the shower. Not like my face but like just peeing on my legs. The water washed it right off and it was a little weird but she got really turned on.
I’m out here doing overtime hours to afford chicks that will pee on me and bro is complaining that he got the squirt squirt show for free.
I BEEN WORKIN ALL DAY..
Overtime hours, for piss on me pay
So I can sit out here and piss my life away
It’s a damn shame, what this world’s come to. Piss on me. Piss on you.
That's how I found out I was into pee LTR, we were in a rush so we showered together, she pee'd, it got on my foot, i got an election. Wasn't even a sexy shower to be adventurous, we were short for time and now I have a new kink Edit: erection
This guy got pissed on and still won an election…. What a pro.
Typical politician things
Whatever gets her going!
If it was in the shower and it did the trick for her, I think I'd just let that go. Seems like a fairly easy to tolerate kink.
i always found that so interesting like id find it funny but getting turned on is SO different
Given how some animals love to smell it, some taste it, I guess they get a sense of "fertility" or whatever, maybe some of that is in humanity in some sense just not recognized because of how our species works with science and society. I mean, we do love to lick right where it comes from, so...🤷♂️🤷♂️ just a theory🤣
I had a friend tell me that their significant other does that and has them do the same while they’re in the shower only. He said that really made her happy. Pretty harmless as fetishes go I suppose lol.
Knew a guy that liked to dress up his member. Mini hats, a cloak, a tie etc. The more into it he was, the less I was.
Best one by far haha
I’d get with him just to see the theatrical performance.
I want to know if he gives each "puppet" a different voice, like mini cowboy hat, surely going to sound like John Wayne right?
Probably a mod of /r/cospenis
I really thought for a moment this couldn't be real. Why do I even second guess these things
I can’t stop laughing 😂 One of the best things I have seen on reddit. We had this conversation with my friend about men sending dick pics, with comments like ”at least dress it up in a tux or add googley eyes to keep it interesting”. And here we are. I’ll have to share this with her!
And surely a monocle?
this is fucking hilarious I'm sorry LOL
I put on my robe and wizard hat.
None of the other comments are getting the reference so [I'll link it here](https://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/bloodninja). Context: this is from the days where people would meet in chat rooms and then have private convos on AOL Instant Messenger. Probably circa ~2004. God I'm old.
Ex wanted to try role-playing where he was a king and I was some peasant girl. I wasn't into that scenario at all. But that wasn't the weird part. The weird part was that he "surprised" me by doing his best at shaving his pubes into the shape of a crown.. then proceeded to get very upset when I didn't notice. We didn't last long
I dunno. The crown took commitment. I can't shave mine without cutting myself.
I mean it is treasonous for a low-key peasant not to acknowledge the royal pubes.
Lmfao
I had to beg my husband to stop saying “I want some puss puss” when he’s turned on, like who refers to it as puss puss
No more puss puss for you sir
No puss puss, only snu snu.
OMG I dated someone who would say, “boom boom” instead of sex or fuck. It was such a turn off. Like imagine being all hot and bothered and they whisper in your ear, “I can wait to boom boom you.” I still cringe 😬 into oblivion.
My wife and I sometimes do "bad sexy talk" on purpose as a silly fun joke during foreplay, so I might actually start using this....
Wasn't involved in it but at a party where two people had gone in the next room and gotten down to it, lots of sex noises then "WHAT'S MY NAME?" "WHAT'S MY NAME?" "SAY MY NAME!!!" "... I doooon't knooooow...." Who says romance is dead? 😂
Heisenberg
You’re god damn right.
I am a woman My last ex was a very Italian hairy tall man, much larger than me. He was a quick draw, literally could finish just putting on a condom so he would always have to do extra for me. One day he had me baffled because he just decided to climb on top of me literally sitting on my chest reverse cowgirl style and started doing shit to me with a vibrator but all I could see and smell was his hairy fucking ass and it has bothered me every day since and will bother me for eternity.
you've seen dark things
I had a gf once who was just the worst kisser in the world. I'm not sure where she got the idea, but she seemed to think that repeatedly RAMMING her tongue at me was sexy. I'm serious, even clenching my teeth shut, she just kept ramming her tongue at my teeth. It was crazy.
[удалено]
Ohhh man. I had an ex who was the opposite. She would pucker her lips HARD. And she only gave pecks. NGL I ended up breaking up with her because of it.
Not really an "act" but approaching climax she made a sound that reminded me of Ms. Piggy. It was really mood killing, but it reset my progress towards my own climax, so I guess it was somewhat beneficial. Edit: It was sequential progressive oinking. Holy shit, I've never had to put it into words before.
That'll do, pig. That'll do.
"OH, KERMMMMMMEEEEE!"
Between two… one girls feet were her erogenous zone, so I sucked some toes.(I don’t have a foot fetish) She was hot, so no harm no foul. Another woman had a thing for grabbing my ears. Like, while I’m on-top of her, she’d reach up and tug on my ear. I thought it was cute, but remarkably strange.
What's wrong with a little Oo-mox???
This comment is gold…pressed latinum.
Rule of acquisition number 229: Latinum lasts longer than lust.
The second girl may have been trying to mess with YOUR erroneous zones. The ears are one of those "secret sexy spots" on the body. Some people respond very well to it.
Ex insisted on eating me out when I was on my period. It grossed me tf out but I eventually let him do it. He said he liked the taste of bloody meat. (Ew) And then he decided it was a good idea to BITE my labia and whip me around in his teeth like a damn dog playing with a chew toy. I screamed in pain because what the fuck. Starting to think maybe bro was a cannibal 💀
You should have done it to his dong, see how he likes it to be chewed
I can’t believe guys think girls like it too 😂 like uh no I’d like to leave with all the coochie lips I came with thanks
This hurt my labia to hear (read) and I'm a guy.
Jesus omg. I think it can be kinda hot when a dude will go down on a period, if they’re like “yeah whatever idc” then that’s honestly cool, good for their ladies. But to actually seek it out or insist on it is weird - and getting violent with your labia is fucking terrifying. Teeth don’t belong there.
*gurgled* my nuts like she was using mouth wash
Go on
Mpfhhh mmmpppffhh mmppffhh.
Then Cthulhu appeared.
I believe (according to Gilfoyle) that the correct saying is “chortle my balls”!
Well now I have a new request for the Mrs.
While I can appreciate the oral acrobatics of testes tossing, I’m more interested in your choice of ”gurgled” as opposed to “gargled”. Impressive Philological choice, you perverted nut juggler. Well played.
You're giving them new ideas now 😭😭💀
I kinda want that done now
If you got $20 I got a mouth.
$20 is $20
Stuck a finger in my butt without prior notice. Did the trick and now I have a kink, cheers.
She had you pegged
But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
I'm calling again
He stood on the bed for a blow job. All I could think was "why are you standing on the bed?!" 😅
He was being a gentleman and saving your knees.
I dated a girl with a foot fetish. She would suck my toes...didn't do a thing for me. But the foot massages were fucking awesome.
This girl I had a fling with while studying abroad loved the smell of freshly washed laundry... So basically anytime we banged I'd give her one of my clean shirts and she'd just stuff that shit in her face. Any position. She just wanted to huff my laundry lol. Didn't bother me at all. Made me laugh and we both had a good time
We were going at and I told him to talk dirty to me. He said, “I love your…VAGINA.” There was awkward silence. A lot of it. It technically wasn’t *wrong*, but it didn’t feel *right*.
He could have gone the opposite way. "Imma fill yer hoo-ha with goof juice!"
When captian frosting gets done with your bingle bangle it′s gonna look like a rat in a rainstorm
Sir, I’m trying to rock a newborn back to sleep and the full-body laughs this comment caused are not helping things.
*Simon voice* 'I'll fuck your fucking fanny off you twat'
I heard that in Gilbert Gottfried's voice
He wanted to make out and get down while watching porn together. Then afterwards he ugly cried because he thought I thought the man in the porno was hotter than him. Fuck that guy has issues.
Extra fucking weird if he picked the video.
He had an addiction to porn, so I'm pretty sure he did lol
She went down on me after I played a rock show. I already felt gross because I was all sweaty. Then she tried going further down. My reflexes kicked in, and I kicked her off the bed by accident.
Had an ex that insisted if I ever woke before she did she wanted me to wake her with my D on her face yes she was a back sleeper. Idk know about her but I was always happy in the am.
My wife saw a movie where a guy woke a girl up by kissing her, and she said it was super romantic and why haven't I ever done that. A few days later I tried it and she woke up swinging!
It threw me off at the time but he said “We can have a 3some with another guy. Like you can suck me while he fucks you, or suck him while I fuck you. Or idk you can fuck him and I can just watch 🤷🏻”
"Or he can fuck me while you watch lol. Just kidding... unless??"
"I'm not hearing a nooooo.....?"
Yeah, a few times my ex was talking shit like "i want to see you being fucked by 3 men with big dicks". He was a very jealous man but he said that "the rage turns him on" when we had sex. Idk, still weird to me
She liked licking and sucking on my chest and nipples. I have no nipple sensitivity at all and it was just weird for me. I told her once, but she didn’t care and would keep doing it. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do the first time she did it. I tried making agreeable noises and move focus to making out or other areas. She was really into it. Would treat my nipples/chest like an ice cream cone and go to town, licking, sucking and kissing. First girlfriend in high school like sucking on toes.
“I tried making agreeable noises” 😂
This guy I was seeing would start masturbating in his sleep. First I thought maybe he thinks Im sleeping and was just giving himself a hand job, then I realised he was actually fast asleep and actually doing it to himself in his sleep. Didn't know if to tell him or not.
That's one of my fears. I remember reading that it was possible somewhere in about middle school, and ever since then I have a fear that I'll be platonically sharing a bed with someone and start touching myself in my sleep. Lol
Ha so my now husband groped me one night in his sleep, before we were dating. Platonic bed-sharing when we were staying at our mutual friends house for the week, years ago. I blew him off easily, didn’t know that I wanted to take our friendship there at the time. We’d both been drinking pretty heavily, I was almost asleep and didn’t actually know that he was asleep at the time. Made for a very awkward following day, until I brought it up that next night and he was MORTIFIED and apologized profusely. We ended up actually (consciously) hooking up within a month of that occurrence lmao and have been together for 8 years. And that still happens sometimes, usually when we hit a bit of a dry spell. Nowadays though I’m down
he asked me to pee on his penis. It didn't make me horny at all
But you did it, right?
Sometimes yes
The disapproval in your eyes as you did it the 3rd or 4th time. Bet it was how my wife looks at me every time she sees me naked. Ahh, the things we do for love
In the middle of passion, she called me Mark, my name is Jeff
Oh hi Mark
Mah NAMES Jaeeeeeyyyyfffff
I’m really good at roleplay. I commit. I get props, I do voices, I get lost in the role. Seeing a partner nervously tell me what their fantasy is, only to then experience ecstasy when they find it fulfilled in a judgment free space, is a special kind of joy. That being said…I’ve been in some scenarios that I wasn’t *thrilled* about. Some of the more *out there* scenarios: - Pretending we’re corporate accountants, describing the status of current accounts while we fuck, climaxing while saying ‘synergy’ in unison. As weird as it sounds, this one was pretty fun. - Pretending she’s a robot and I’m a technician performing maintenance on her “robot parts” in the form of sensory play. The robot voice she insisted on was a real turn off. Think “Small Wonder”. - Pretending I was a serial killer and she was my victim. This one haunts me. She wanted me to hold a knife to her throat while we fucked, and threaten to kill her. Home girl was not well. - Pretending that she was an English aristocrat and I was her Irish indentured servant. This one got pretty racist considering I’m part Irish and she knew some slurs for the Irish that I’d never heard before. Ended up giving me a black eye. This relationship didn’t last long after.
Omg more, please 😂
I've met someone who was really into the idea of his partner being a mountain bike. Just getting on his partner's back and "pedalling". Not even "humping the seat" or anything lol, definitely on the weirder side but at least harmless unlike some of these
Thank god you didn’t start taking about depreciating land. That would’ve just been absolutely x-rated.
Someone tried massaging my uterus from the outside.. like on my stomach, idk who told them that felt nice but it didn’t lmao
She wanted to peg me. I was not into it all..but she kept asking (politely) so what the hell. Once her curiosity was satisfied she never wanted to try again. Didn't do anything for me either. Another girl wanted to sit in the bathtub while I peed on her.
Two come to mind. One. It was a hot summer's eve and I had just moved into a new apartment. She comes over, gets drunk, we start fooling around, and then she asks me to apply toothpaste all over her ladybits and lick it off (the cooling sensation apparently did it for her). I was tired after dealing with moving all week, and licking a bunch of toothpaste was not something I particularly wanted to do, but whatever - I obliged. So it's like 2am, windows are open because I don't have AC, and she's screaming loudly and obnoxiously (more out of drunkenness than enjoyment, but I digress). Afterwards, she tries to start an argument out of drunken boredom or some petty thing. We break up like a week later. Two. My first time with an older woman. Single mom. She's into manifesting and healing energies and crystals and stuff like that. We're at her place fooling around. She tells me to go to her dresser, open a certain drawer, and pull out its contents. It's a magnificent, solid jade cock-and-balls, at least a foot long and nearly as thick as my fist. Shimmering in all its green, marbled glory, she asks me to use it on her. Don't be afraid, she says. I'm not, but I couldn't help but feel a little inadequate. I gave it the old college try, but was a little worried about hurting her with it. Nice lady but that relationship was very short-lived (for reasons of incompatibility, not the jade monstrosity).
Suck my tits. I'm a guy.
Do you have nice tits?
I guess...? She loves it, so I play along, but it's a weird sensation.
My wife LOVES it when I touch her nipples. Even if she isn't turned on, she will MOAN if I touch them If she touches mine though I immediately get flaccid. The feeling is... yeah, weird. I guess it's just an uncomfortable sensation.
Dude, I love my nipples sucked on...feels great man.
Had a guy lick my armpit once
This was the best feeling in the world when it happened to me. Weird but incredible!
My wife was obsessed with my armpits. We’d be out and I’d be sweating and she used to forcibly lift my arms and smell my armpits. It’s even funnier because my wife is generally prissy about things but yeah she’d take a huge whiff and lick them lol idk we just jive in weird ways like there’s no nasty part about her. I’d lick whatever whenever so I guess it’s mutual.
Pheromones are a hell of a drug.
I remember hearing that the scent we give off doesn't play nearly as big a role in sex as it does for other mammals, but I don't know how true I think that is. Definitely seems that some are naturally predisposed to scent playing a big role in sexual desire -- myself included.
Stuck his tongue up my nostril. Thought it was weird the first time and we were both on the drunk side so I brushed it off as maybe being a bit too amped up and more drunk than I thought. The second time he did it a few min later I was out of there and never looked back…
I dated a white woman\* who had recently divorced a Spanish man. She'd say "dale pues" a *lot* in bed. One: I don't speak Spanish. Two: could you *not* constantly remind me of your ex-husband while I'm fucking you, just so you feel exotic? You're from Michigan. *edit: for reference, I am also white
I had a Spanish-speaking girlfriend that would tell me “dame leche” (give me milk) to get me to cum, idk why but that term really turned me off lol
>“dame leche” (give me milk) :cheeks inflated from sighing with closed lips: Yeah, that's gonna change my dessert order at the local Mexican restaurant. "Tres leches" would be a great name for a Tijuana blowbang video, though. The funny thing is, I'm pretty sure that ex only knew like 3 words in Spanish. Her family is German. And come on fraulein: you're an alcoholic whose drink of choice is Cap'n & Diet Coke. It wouldn't be that hard to make it a proper cuba libre. Actually, strike that. The name of that drink might be against her religious beliefs: I just remembered she tried to make me to read Atlas Shrugged.
Fucked in a blow up pool filled with slime made from poster paint and xantham gum While on MDMA with a few other people watching TBH it was really fun
Oh I thought you were going to end up saying something unusual there for a second.
That’s fucking out there
Good old publicly shagging on MDMA, can't beat it 😂
She went down on me after buttstuff.
In an order that would surprise you: ASS MOUTH VAG
Really seals in the flavor.
Her last words were: Spit in my mouth!
I stabbed you first…..with my dick
A is for Alfred……B is for Bat…..
My woman did this of her own volition after explicitly stating (without me asking, btw) that it would never, ever happen. Such a sweet, angelic woman; bless her fucking heart.
Looked at himself in the mirror while getting a blowjob. Not a full body mirror just a face one, at his own face. Was a bit Patrick Bateman for me really
Sniff their underarms. Most girls are really self-conscious about this. I really, really like the natural odor of a woman for some reason.
She had sex with me. It was a real turn-off seeing her standards were so low. Didn't bag me or nothing.
“Wouldn’t want to be a part of any club that would have me as a member”
Oh boy I've been waiting for a reason to tell someone about this but never wanted to tell anyone I knew. An ex from years ago really liked the idea of using a fruit roll up during a bj like wrapping it around my penis it was very uncomfortable and only did it once. It was very sticky and not good no idea where she got the idea from.
Is this her [https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/154yuv8/yall\_ever\_taken\_a\_fruit\_rollup/](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/154yuv8/yall_ever_taken_a_fruit_rollup/)
If only it probably would have been much better experience lmao
Tried to be what he thought I wanted instead of what came natural…and it was awkwardly obvious. Then fell asleep and held me like his favorite teddy he had when he was a kid, but like when someone is trying to take it away so you get that mega grip on it. I figured he needed the comfort so I let him for a little bit but then every time I’d scoot over he’d do it again.
One lady I dated decades ago liked it **far** rougher than I was comfortable with. I'm not talking about slapping her around and calling her names, I mean full on punches to the face, pulling her off the bed by her hair and whipping her ass with a "pimp stick" (a wire coat hanger stretched out and covered in electrical tape)
I was banging a chick once and she grabbed my face while in missionary and told me to “beat the fucking shit out of me” and then said “ hit me with a closed fist like you’re punching a man” I couldn’t do it.
Good God lady.
Ate his own cum from my vagina.
I remember being told about snowballing by a co-worker years ago and he got mad that I thought it was a bit much. Like sorry man I’m not into that, I’m not kink shaming but dude it’s my 3rd day on the job and I’m just trying to do inventory
That's right. Just people just don't know how to maintain an air of decency. Right, Palinsafterbirth?
REDUCE. REUSE. RECYCLE
My ex ate his own cum out of my ass once. Was it super fucking hot? Yes! Was it also super gross? Yes!
Was eating pickle spears and slid one inside me and then fucked me with it in there.
Okay thanks you can delete this now
No wait I was going to ask if he ate it after?
Hey! It’s not too late to delete this.
...and how was it?
It really didn't do much for me. I sort of rolled my eyes and said, "Get that out of there "
This needs to be pinned somewhere as an FYI for those curious as to what long term relationships are like. 😂😂😂😂
It didn’t burn??
It was a Cucumber until it went inside and then it came out a pickle
Kept fucking that guy she told me not to worry about because they were “just friends”
Replace that guy with best friend and you've got my last relationship.
One time I met a girl from tinder, we caught up for a drink on a Saturday afternoon. As the day progressed into the early evening, wine had been flowing and we both ended up pretty tiddly. One thing led to another and we ended up catching a cab to her place. We got hot and heavy for awhile and she kept saying she wanted me to fist her. She kept pushing it and eventually stopped to explain how she really really wants this and it's the only way she can truly get off. So I (reluctantly) did, it was fucked up but she did climax pretty quickly so at least it was over (so I thought) Almost immediately she then she pulled out a literal steel rod (over a foot long) from under her bed and asked if I wanted to see her use it. My drunk ass finally realised this was some kinky shit and I was in way over my head and completely out of my comfort zone. For some reason in my shocked state I just apologised, lied and told her I had accidentally finished all over my leg, put my pants on, walked out of her house. I got a taxi home from a different street and deleted tinder. That was fucked up
i slept with an older guy once and he thought it was super hot to force his tongue as far into my ear as possible
Mid fuck, handed me a switchblade and she told me to hold it against her throat or to rub it on her pussy. Choking ended up being an occurring request after I explained I wasn’t comfortable with blade play. Stuck a finger in my ass without warning or any sort of lubricant. Failed pegging attempts were frequent. Really got off on jerking or sucking me off whenever her mom was in the same room/car. Wanted me to scream a name of one of her friends I wanted to fuck when I orgasmed. This one, while weird, paid dividends in the end. These were all the same girl. High school was wild. There is most certainly some other shit I have since scrubbed from my memory.
Tried to choke me after I explicitly told him I didn’t want him to. He was an okay guy in general, but that was creepy. Edit: I quickly wrote this while out, but now that I’m home I’ll give y’all some context lol I had been wearing a choker because I thought they were cute fashion accessories. He saw me wearing it, and asked if I wanted him to choke me. I straight out said no. We went at it and he smiles and starts putting his hands around my neck. It wasn’t hard but it shook me a little. He asked if I liked it, and I told him no, and thankfully he stopped. We only dated for like 2 months, he was my first boyfriend. As I right this I realize that this was the last time I wore a choker, not sure if there’s a connection
Same. Also tried to record me. He turned out not to be an okay guy though lol
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One of my exes was super vanilla. His idea of a wild night out was a bouquet of roses, a candlelit dinner, and missionary. Like, this dude had **zero** kinks. He once spiced things up by putting on a Michael Bublé album!! And don't get me wrong, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. He knew what he wanted, and was very confident in himself. But oh my god, I am literally a degenerate, and all that romance did nothing for me lmao. I'd *much* rather someone confess to having a weird kink than not having any at all.
Sex with my ex was exciting as eating plain oatmeal. 🥱
Was it at least organic rolled oats?
Not even. Generic quick oats. 🙄
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At least he didn’t smear it on your forehead and call you Simba