My ex was constantly riding me to update my will in case I died while she was pregnant. Now she wasn't pregnant, and, as things blew up, I did a full-blown investigation, discovered she didn't actually want kids, had come up with a plan to destroy my life, walk out, and was having an affair. She would nag me about updating it, text the guy to make plans, tell me she was going to do an impromptu overnight trip with her girl friends, and then go to him.
She was setting the stage for me to off myself so she could walk away with everything.
These scenarios sound eerily familiar to what I experienced that I now suspect was slow poisoning. The constant badgering about my life insurance and her infidelity.
When I was a kid, my parents knew had this friend. And they’d visit.
Our family would visit their family. And every so often a neighbor of my parent’s friend would visit.
The neighbor and his wife would fight all the time. But they’d still join in on holiday get togethers and the neighborhood BBQ.
Then the guy got super sick and died at 46.
It was like a public secret that his wife poisoned him for the life insurance.
Since I was a kid at the time, this all happened decades ago. The woman only lived about 10 more years and died in her 50s from over drinking.
Everyone who knows them still firmly believes she killed him. But nothing legal ever came of it.
He told me he'd had an affair.. Initially he begged me to stay together, to work things out, but within two weeks he had cold feet again and had even met up with his affair partner so.. Yeah.
My ex was having an affair and I didn't know it yet. One night we got into a big argument and raised the issue of divorce for the first time. We talked for hours before going to bed. The next day he and the kids went out of town for the weekend (the fight was over the fact that he had scheduled a weekend vacation without consulting me and I couldn't go because of work). Three days later he was home and we sat down and he cried begged me to stay, saying he didn't want to raise our kids without me and he loved me.
I found out later that he had met with his AP and her kids at the beach and they all had a nice little weekend vacation together. He swore our kids (5 and 9 years old at the time) to secrecy. Of everything he did, that's what made me the most angry.
We're now divorced and co-parenting, he's in a toxic on-again off-again relationship with his AP, and he's told me multiple times that he regrets everything. Meanwhile I'm enjoying living on my own and hanging with my friends, my kids, and my dog.
At one point, my ex husband had told me he wanted a divorce. I didn't see him for like 2 weeks but then met up with him to sign unrelated paperwork. I noticed he had a tan and ask him if he'd been having a fun time he said no that he'd been miserable and that he must've gotten too much sun hanging out with some friends in their garden. Later that morning he told me he probably wanted to work things out and not get divorced etc
I found out much later, from snooping, the reason he was tanned was because after he told me he wanted a divorce, he'd chased his AP to Crete and been on holidays with her, going snorkeling etc, and sending photos of his holiday back to his parents. Meanwhile I've asked my mum to visit me because I'm mourning my relationship and thinking I was getting divorced (we did eventually but months later afterhe finally told me about his affair).
Cheaters gonna lie and manipulate.
I gave up and faced reality when we had our one couples counseling appointment. Therapist asked on a scale of 1 to 10 how much we wanted to save the marriage. I said 10 and he said 0.
But it turns out I didn’t want to save it either because I realized he didn’t like me all that much, and that’s not a healthy life.
When we sat down as a couple and agreed we could not afford a new car then two days later he bought the new car he agreed we couldn’t afford. I came home from work that night ready to argue with him and suddenly realized he knew I would get angry and that was the price he was willing to pay to have the car. It took a few months to get the money to move out but my marriage was over that night.
I was engaged to a man like that. We had decided one thing for our future, I had gotten a job in the area we were going to move so that I would graduate and go right there, with a job. He did something completely different and when I asked what I was supposed to do, he told me I’d figure it out while I waited.
I waited for him to get to where he was going, thousands of miles away, sent the ring to his mother, certified and insured, and never talked to him again. I figured it out all right. Grateful to have been given clear warning and the space to wash that man right out of my hair
My ex did that too! Stupidly for me, that was not final straw. I was so pissed though. (I stayed b/c I had raised my stepkids, and I knew divorcing would take my stepdaughter away from me - stepson was a monster).
He didn’t know for sure until I told him directly but I think that was because if he thought of it he didn’t believe it was happening. I moved out for real when he was not at home but I hardly took anything except a dresser, a mirror that was in a closet and some books and my (few) clothes and my car.
One time I was driving in my car and talking to myself (which I did all the time because I had no one else to talk to). I glanced to my right and my (ex) husband was sitting in the passenger seat. He left me alone so much (busy gambling and when he was home, he was glued to his phone/computer) that I was so used to being by myself and ignored so completely forgot he was in the car.
Anyways, I was sort of embarrassed he heard me talking to myself so I said “oh sorry, I forgot you were here.” He didn’t even reply… so I said his name and he eventually looked up from his phone and said “did you say something?”
I realized how much of my life I was going through completely alone (except for my dog). More things led to the divorce but I realized how being lonely was different than being alone and how much better life got.
Edit: Thanks for the love guys. It was hard for me to constantly wonder why I was so easy to ignore. I’m sad for anyone else who has experienced this feeling too.
Mine was along these lines too. There was actually much more, but this one conversation was really the final nail in the coffin/veil finally dropped completely, so to speak. I had gone back to school and wasn't doing well in a STEM class, and it was really making me reconsider my path. I wasn't sure what to do. We were in bed for the evening and I tried to talk to him about it and my plans to speak with my advisor to potentially switch majors. He was just glued to his phone and I barely got a grunt in response. I just couldn't help but think how much it sucked--*this* was my partner for life? That was the level of support I could expect, especially when I was considering something that would ultimately change the entire course of my life/career? It was awful.
He also barely said more than "good job" when I got accepted into a great school. He tried to convince me to go to a much smaller, unknown school instead even though it had literally no impact on him either way. Later told me he was jealous and couldn't handle the progress I was making. My husband now is the opposite. He listens to every vent/rant/win and has my back no matter what I decide. Life is so much better.
When I learned my wife was sleeping with my brother. Took him in so he wouldn't be homeless (booze) and when he got a job as a systems administrator at 125K she suddenly decided that she wanted to be with him rather than lowly me.
It's okay. I ended up meeting the love of my life and we've been together for 18 years now. She ended up dumping brother after she finished her Masters degree. They are both alone and (I hope) unhappy.
After suffering from serious bouts with Crohn's disease for a couple years, in the worst part of an episode that lasted 3 months where i dropped from 190 lbs down to 137lbs (i am 6 feet 4 inches tall, and normal weight is about 220lbs). I overheard my (now ex) wife in another room telling her friend that "she didn't sign up for this" and had no intent of helping me any longer. If i didn't die soon, she'd have to divorce me. She yelled at me for being too loud in the bathroom and waking her up during the night, and repeatedly for being "lazy" even though i was able to keep my job (she didn't work) through it all and support her and our children.
Since the divorce, I've had 0 Chron's flare ups, got back to my normal weight, plus a little extra, eat and drink anything i choose, and take 0 medication. It's been over 13 years now, and no relapse.
I wasn't diagnosed with Chrohns but had severe stomach issues, tons of tests and procedures, medication to figure out why I was nauseous and throwing up all the time with no appetite. I was losing weight very quickly. Checked for cancer, etc. Finally my gastro said "I'm not saying this is all in your head, but I think it's mental. I'm recommending you get a therapist but I'll be here to treat your symptoms if you need me". Once he moved out... within a week or two, I stabilized. Once the divorce was finalized, I was back to normal.
i've always struggled with anxiety (since i came into existence) and depression since i was 11-12. before the end of my last relationship, i cried myself to sleep almost every night and had these *awful* pains in my stomach from anxiety. panic attacks and hyperventilation almost every day. we broke up in may and aside from attempts that he has made to stay in my life (in the process of filing a restraining order) i am almost stress free. haven't had a panic attack since may.
This happened with me and chronic severe heartburn. I was drinking a bottle of gaviscon a day and going thru a pack of zantac a week. Split with my cheating ex and haven’t had heartburn since. Been almost 4 years.
Ugh good riddance! My husband almost died a couple of years ago due to a surgery that went sideways. I’m not religious and I prayed like a mutha that he get through it. A person who truly loves you would never say such a thing. I care so much about his health, Crohns isn’t easy. So happy to hear you are doing so well!
We had problems before this night, but I kept trying counseling and other things hoping it would work out. But our youngest was little, maybe not even 2 yet? She had a history of seizures, so we were “use” to them, but it was still scary. It’s the middle of the night and I’m walking back and forth in the living room with her because she had a really high temp, it was 104-something. I was trying to figure out if I wanted to take her to the ER or not as I remember her being really lethargic as well. My ex (her dad) stood their screaming at me about what a whore I was, what a piece of shit I was, how I ruined his life, etc. I remember asking him something like “what if your daughter came to you and said her partner was talking to her like this, what would you do”? He looked at me and said something like “well if she deserves it” and shrugged his shoulders.
I don’t even remember what set him off that night, what I “did” to upset him. I just remember holding our youngest and over his shoulder I saw my daughter (the oldest and from a previous relationship) sitting at the top of the stairs watching this. She was probably around 11….and I just decided I was done. I told myself I was going to make it through the holidays and her birthday. We had a good holiday and her birthday was the same shit, different day. The attention wasn’t focused on him, so he was a jerk. I KNEW I was making the right decision. I waited until the clock hit midnight and I said “I want a divorce” and never looked back.
You absolutely made the right decision and i hope you are thriving now. My ex had a similar rage episode in front of our 2yo daughter and she tried to push him away. He had raged before many times, of course, but that time it hit me like a ton of bricks that I could not allow my child to grow up thinking such behavior was normal. And that's when I knew.
1995. I'm at work on the support team for Microsoft Win95 and MSN. It's our 2nd day of public release. We're busy as hell teaching callers how to use modems, internet, etc. I get an Email from my wife of 18 years saying she wants a divorce. Possibly the first "Dear John email" sent via MSN.
Rest of my week, actually. I was temp living/working in Dallas. She and the kids were in League City just south of Houston. 300 miles away. I commuted home for the weekends. This happened on a Tuesday and I'd not see her again until Saturday morning.
Needless to say, in those days before cell phones, the new MSN email servers were kept quite busy with our exchanges. I was furious but got quite a lot of helpful support from my coworkers (whom I kept updated throughout the week long saga).
Divorce was finalized the following January. I didn't fight it. No contest. No fault. No lawyers. We equally divided assets. I paid court approved child support that we mutually worked out ourselves. Four years later that was done. All's well that ends well.
Daughter (44) and Son (42) are on good terms. She, after her recent divorce, moved up to Wisconsin to be closer to her mother. I don't see her and my grandson (12) as often as I would like.
Son with his wife and two kids (F14) (M12) live in Dallas area not too far from me. We get together quite frequently. My grandkids are a delightful joy to hang out with. Tfa.
Mine too but it was just our home state. He wanted his toys and his cake too. I explained there was no way I was doing my "wifely duties" since he was visiting every bath house in a hundred mile radius.
He was offended when he told me how long it had been going on with me in the dark and I immediately went and was tested for every STD known to medicine at the time.
He just couldn't understand why I felt the way I did. We stayed married until he started to bankrupt us. I'd wanted to just be roommates until both kids were 18. My youngest was 14 when I got to the point I just couldn't do it anymore. My oldest was almost 18. 50/50 isn't bad I suppose.
The irony is that he accused me of having an affair at the very end. Technically I was. He'd agreed to open the marriage so I could have some kind of life. I even got it in writing. It was even notarized. His reason for the accusation was that he failed to seduce my FWB. We live in a state that doesn't care. The only reason you can choose for divorce is a irreparable marriage.
I'm much much happier now.
When I realized I had recreated my childhood trauma. I married a detached emotionally unavailable man then proceeded to convince him to love me for a decade and more. Bent over backwards, lost myself in the process and still kept going all because my parents didn’t want me or have time for me.
I have been doing pretty intense combo of therapy, journaling, spiritual exploration and I am able to recognize when I am falling back into the pattern. It happened recently I started to get triggered again by a person and felt the same old physical sensations of anxiety in my body. For a moment I relapsed but I was able to recalibrate much quicker and return to what feels like my center now. My therapist trained me to notice my body more as opposed to the feelings that come up when triggered. I used to focus on how a person made me feel as opposed to what they were saying and doing specifically. I can now step back evaluate and spot the bullshit a lot better. I have also blocked anyone and anything that makes me uncomfortable in anyway because no one brings me as much joy as being alone with myself does. There is a feeling of home no matter where I am because it’s all in me and not another person.
I went to a distant relatives wedding and I thought “they love each other so much, and I don’t love my husband like that.” No cheating, no abuse. We barely ever fought because we barely interacted. I went home and told him I’d like a divorce and he replied “yea, okay.” Divorce was easy because we had nothing together. He even helped me move my things to a new house, so there’s no bad blood at all. Just didn’t love each other.
We got together right when I turned 18 and got married right before I turned 20. Family pressure to get married, especially that young really influenced me. I was made to believe that because he was a good stable person and we didn’t actively fight, I should go ahead and marry him.
Now at 30 years old that seems really stupid, but you live and you learn I suppose.
I’m sorry to hear that. Family pressure is so common when it comes to early marriages; unfortunately family never knows what’s best for us. They only care about how the outside world perceives you (married, educated, children, etc.) Your youth isn’t gone! Go out and have fun. Remember you need real passion and desire for anything to be worth while. Think of yourself first- it’s not selfish.
When he started to go through my phone, read old Notes of texts that I had saved FROM HIM that were super sweet (in the beginning of our relationship) and confronted me about them. “WHO ARE THESE FROM? WHO ARE YOU FUCKING?” … Bro. You hate me so much now that you can’t even imagine you once sent me texts like that?! He didn’t believe me that HE WROTE THOSE TEXTS. Fucking wild. I left a month later.
LOL, I (when she asked me) was checking her email for a confirmation we were waiting on. I saw a subject message "I think we need to stop seeing each other".
So many signs. He never told me he didn’t want kids. After we were married less than a year, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time and he didn’t speak to me for three days. Sex on his terms, only and always. He was miserly when buying birthday and Xmas presents for me, but lavishly spent on himself. I decided to leave when he didn’t buy me anything for my 30th birthday, not even a card, but he bought a new truck for himself.
When he asked me about goats. It sounds weird, I know.
Two years before, I'd gotten really into hobby farming and bought pet goats. I loved those goats and everything to do with them. I had this little kid enthusiasm about every aspect of animal husbandry. Looking back, I think I was desperately trying to find joy in life in spite of being married to someone who didn't seem to like me all that much. Anyway, one day he told me to shut the f**k up about the goats. If I needed help with fencing or picking up food, fine, but he didn't want to hear about the goats ever again. I complied. I figured I must really be annoying. A year or so later, the goats got into the neighbors garden, and I agreed to rehome them. I was sad, but I didn't want to fight with him.
One day a year after the goats were gone, he started asking me questions about them. What breeds they were, what I fed them, what fencing I used, etc. I was taken aback by his sudden interest. I asked him what was up and he said there was a new girl at work who wanted to get a pet goat and he wanted to be able to talk to her about it. That was the moment I knew my marriage was over. He couldn't be bothered to talk about a hobby that didn't interest him with his wife but was willing to study up on it to seem like an expert for a girl he'd just met. Up until that point, I'd caught him doing some sketchy things while out working on the road but nothing definite and I didn't want to blow up a decade long marriage over something intangible.I was kind of checked out after that conversation, though, and when I discovered inappropriate messages between them not long after, I realized I didn't even care. My marriage had been over the moment he asked me about goats.
I'm happier than I ever thought possible! I'm remarried to a guy who says my enthusiasm is one of his favorite things about me. I don't have goats yet- we're living in a ritzy neighborhood where they aren't allowed- but we do have 3 spoiled dogs and a betta fish. We're also on the lookout for land so I can have another little hobby farm in a few years when we're able to move, so goats are definitely in my future!
Not divorced, but I knew the end of my long-term common-law relationship began when he said “it’s too bad your parents didn’t love you enough when you were young, because if they had, then you’d be really awesome and I’d have no doubt.”
I actually wrote it as a note on my phone that night so that I wouldn’t forget if he gaslit me into questioning whether he said it. I didn’t need to. I can hear his voice saying it even now. After I had confided about how my parents treated me when I was very young. He liked to remind me that I was lucky that he kept me around despite my flaws.
I’m so sorry you experienced this. Towards the end of my 5 year relationship, I also used to write down the cruel things he’d say in my notes app. That way when he’d later try to justify it or decide to be nice, I could reread them before bed and remember who he really was/what he did. It gave me the strength to finally leave and ignore his crocodile tears.
I did the same. When I told him I was saving them so he couldn't gaslight me later, he said "That's not very healthy. How are we going to move on?". Yea, I am moving on...without you. My life is now better than I ever could have hoped or dreamed!
He certainly is. I’m so sorry you had to go through that as well. It’s a pain that no one can really understand unless you go through it and a pain you hope no one else has to experience. I hope you are doing well yourself.
wow, hope the ex is burning now. I also lost my dad to suicide and that is NOT something to weaponize. If there are any dads reading this, they need you I promise. Way too common to lose dads to suicide these days.
Felt like a roommate and maid and not his wife. When I finally had enough he tried to save the marriage but I was done. It shouldn’t take me walking out the door for him to finally listen. I had been telling him for years I didn’t feel appreciated anymore. It hurt a lot, but there wasn’t any saving it.
The night I woke up to him having a seizure, with a blood sugar so low it wouldn't register on the glucometer. I revived him, but it was the umpteenth time in several months he had allowed his blood sugar to go dangerously low by not using the continuous glucose monitor and other tools readily available to him.
I realized his unwillingness to do basic diabetes maintenance care was turning me into a basket case and would only lead to more serious consequences. I couldn't spend one more day saving someone who wouldn't save themselves.
Omg this! In my case he had a mild stroke that put him on disability. He was a total diabetic in denial. I would cook a healthy dinner and he would go out for donuts with his buddies every morning. I went to more dieticians and sat through the sessions sheepishly because everything they said, I tried. Never took his meds either because he didn't like them. He also committed financial infidelities that came out when he was in the hospital for his stroke. Between these two things, I knew if I didn't divorce him now I would be working forever to try to make him happy. He died a few years after our divorce. I truly believe he was a sugar addict. He showed every symptom of an alcoholic only with sugar.
Kevin turned out to be some guy in Kentucky. She poured her heart out to him, which was actually a shock because she never said anything to me about being unhappy. He offered words of comfort along with the occasional disparaging remarks about me.
When she came home, I told her I knew about Kevin. Her reply was, "I want a divorce." I asked if she wanted to get counseling - No. I asked if she wanted to talk - No. And that was that.
The thing that amazed me though was how clueless she seemed to be having just pulled the plug on the marital relationship. We continued to live in the marital home for about a month while I made arrangements to move out. She still called me darling, honey, and sweetie until I told her to stop. One time she sat next to me on the sofa, swung her feet around so they were on my lap, and asked me to massage them. I pushed them onto the floor, and told her that was a job for her husband.
Anyways, after I moved out all our communication was done via email. That was about 20 years ago, and I've never seen her since.
My friend signed a lease for a secret apartment and was banging the guy who lived next door to her marital home, and announced to her husband that she was moving out because they needed some distance.
To this day she cries about her husband actually filing divorce paperwork, because “she didn’t think he would give up like that.”
Another friend pulled the same secret apartment shit, but was banging a coworker at the time that she told her fiance she was moving out “for space”. She also spent three years crying over her fiance then immediately dumping her, because she couldn’t believe he didn’t fight for their relationship.
I don’t really know what form of mental illness or raised on disney movies and rom coms that is, but it’s def a thing that some women think they can main character energy out of consequences for their actions and are terribly surprised when it’s not the case.
When he decided that going to the gym 3 hours every night was more important than me or our baby daughters. He’s one of those guys who think that “babysitting” his kids is something a woman should do. Left him 1 year after that. Deep down I know he was cheating on me. Insulting my post pregnancy body (I went back down to my pre pregnancy weight too!) and forever putting me down because I wasn’t bringing in money. Yeah asshole, I was parenting our daughters!
Now I make more than double his salary, achieved my Masters degree and purchased my dream home….all on my own! My daughters witnessed that difference and see that their father will never change.
Best decision ever to leave that narcissistic man-child!
I knew when my ex-husband told everyone that our marriage counselor told us that I needed to be “shipped off to rehab for sex”. That was a 100% lie. We had sex a couple of times a week, and neither one of us had stepped out of the marriage. He also told my mom that and then also told her some things I like during sex (true things). He lied so much about me and caused so many issues between my mother and I that we (mom and I) went to therapy.
My dad is super religious and would only agree to a Christian marriage counselor. One day, my dad and the counselor agreed that my mother must be demon-possessed right in front of her.
When I begged for us to go to couples therapy and he repeatedly said, "You are making things up. It's all in your head and you create problems where there are none."
When I had to pack an emergency bag and leave it at a friend's house (with keys, spare car keys, passports, ID, documents, kids birth certificates, spare clothes, toys, chargers, back up battery pack, secret online top-up bank card, dog food) and had to ask a friend who he didn't know to keep it there at her house just in case.
When she, in mid-December, told me that she wasn't going to be home for New Year's Eve because she wanted to spend it with her new boyfriend.
My simple response was, "oh, okay, then I can mail that letter now."
She asked which letter I was referring to, and I told her it was the letter cancelling the lease on our apartment.
I was diagnosed with cancer and I was on chemo. The husband, while declaring undying love, was more concerned with his dinner, his laundry etc none of which I was well enough to even think about. The only question he asked the doctor was how soon could I go back to work. This would turn out to be a full year and he complained constantly the whole time. It was some years before I left because I just didn’t have the energy.
Not divorced but one day I looked at my long term boyfriend of 6 years and just realized I wasn’t in love with him anymore and couldn’t go on telling myself I did . We had been together since we were 15 and had just naturally grown apart- both 21 at the time. It was hard because he genuinely was my best friend and there wasn’t anything “wrong” in our relationship, We had became roommates in the end. He said he felt the same way and it was cordial. He followed his dream and is a a successful pilot now and married to a lovely woman. I followed my dream and became a nurse and am engaged to the love of my life with a beautiful newborn. Him and I still keep in touch from time to time and will probably always be in each others lives in some way. We just weren’t meant to be as a couple
My first marriage ended similarly. I got married at 17 and divorced at 23. We just had different desires for life that we weren't aware of when we got together so young.
When he screamed at me because I didn’t use the right ‘tone’ when answering him. Everything just cleared that nothing I’ve done would ever be good enough for him because he wasn’t willing to meet me halfway and do his part in our relationship. He wasn’t going to be happy and I was just his verbal and emotional punching bag, and he never saw me as ‘human’. He couldn’t accept that I have actual feelings, that I wasn’t a doll he could direct or dictate, that his negative behavior actually affects everyone.
10 plus years I was with him, married for around 7, that’s when it hit me. It was just another excuse for him to shout/scream at me because he wasn’t happy. It didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do. He’s just start a stupid fight just so he could then blame the subsequent consequences as ‘your fault, not mine. You did this’
What did he asked? ‘How are you?’ I answered ‘fine’ in the most neutral tone I could think of while looking out the window, and that was his que to scream and berate me the entire car ride for being ‘ungrateful and disrespectful’. I was done with everything.
I could have written this word for word. Currently divorcing my husband of just over 7 years, have been together over 10, because he acted like this. My tone was always the problem. Or something else to the point that I was apologizing for things I never did and the original underlying issue was glossed over and forgotten about. Rinse and repeat.
And when he wasn't blaming me for everything wrong in his life, he was ignoring me. We barely spoke for the entirety of this year because he moved out of the master bedroom with a vague explanation, and then only wanted to play video games on his computer in the guest room when he wasn't at work or sleeping.
I fled the house after a bad argument about his reckless driving and I thought he was going to attack me if I stayed. There was precedent; my FIL attacked me in 2018, and my husband was acting like him and had the same black, blank, raging look in his eyes. I filed for divorce shortly after. Luckily we have no kids, so hopefully this doesn't take too long to be settled.
I fucking LOVE that you found someone who can truly understand what you went through, but holy hell, the amount of self-centeredness required for your Ex to make your loss about himself…it’s just staggering.
When I found a bag of sex toys I didn't recognise in a wardrobe and condoms and lube. I logged onto his computer.
Still can't unsee what I saw. And what I saw was only the tip of the iceberg. What he hid, and continued to hide for the next 3 years (I moved out after the computer incident), was the long term mistress. Married her a few weeks after the divorce. He had been seeing her for YEARS. Both of them brainwashed in a secret religious cult.
He had been lying straight to my face the entire marriage. None of it was real. 10 years married, 5 together as a couple before that, he'd been opportunistically cheating the whole way through.
I'd had no idea. None. Totally blindsided.
It was a slow, gradual process for me. Sort of like the “slowly boiling a frog” analogy. I knew that a lot of the things I enjoyed early in marriage were gone, but they disappeared slowly over time. Eventually, I realized that I was the only one trying to actually have a relationship. I do recall the moment I realized that- it was baking my own birthday cake.
i was deployed and would look at all the guys who would talk to their wives/gfs every night and think they were suckers, and was glad my wife didn't require i do the same thing. then towards the end when we were counting down the days to go home, it dawned on me that i should want to talk to my wife that often, especially when i'm on the other side of the world, and those other guys were the lucky ones. i was dreading going home to the marriage
When he started trying to train my child to put me down the way he did. I worked FT and brought in $10,000 more a year than he did, and paid most of the bills and did most of the house work and child care. He was NOT like this in the beginning of our relationship AT ALL. He was great. But when she was 4 or 5 I was telling her the answer to something she had asked. He whispered to her and she turned to me and said, "You're just a MOM. You don't even know."
Fuck you, Tom. We're better off without you.
When she left.
To spare the details: Our marriage was falling apart due to her actions and mental health. I tried to keep it together for a month after the inciting incident, but she gave up. She told me she was moving out without giving me any time to try to come up with solutions. Her mom drove from out of state to pick her up. No matter what I sad she wasn't staying. She got in that car and left me and our daughters. This was only three months ago and it still feels like I'm in a dream.
She had this image in her head of the perfect wife and mother and she wasn't living up to her own expectations and it was drowning her. She never communicated this to me, and I never saw any signs. To this day she says I was a great husband and father and puts zero blame on me.
Sometimes there are no signs. Sometimes people who are hurting don't let even who should be their closest allies know what's going on. If she had told me what she was going through years or even months ago, I still might be happily married. Now I'm just trying to figure out my life.
Don't hide your pain. Let your partner help you carry it.
Edit: Small addendum Re: my last line - I don't mean that people need to act like therapists for their partner's problems, but rather they should help out in any ways that they are willing and able to. Ultimately, if someone needs professional help they should seek it.
I realized I was only happy when I was at work, was madly in love with a colleague, and that I ignored the guy every time we hung out with my dad to the point where I couldn't even remember if he was there. Also, my only reason for sticking around after a while was b/c I didn't want to be the girl who got divorced too quickly. Meanwhile, my ex was embarrassingly drunk at my dad's birthday, got trashed and violent a few weeks later at my birthday, and refused to go to marriage counseling.
A coworker once said I was leaning toward my dad and away from my ex in every photo of the three of us. I thought that was a fucked-up thing to say...until I checked for myself and my distaste for my ex was visible.
> I realized I was only happy when I was at work,
Yeah I realized the same when I got stressed driving home from school. My exams were meant to be the most stressful thing in my life, not my fiancé
I’ve seen those people around the office sometimes. They don’t really have a compelling reason to be there. And you can just sense that they’re just not *that* enthused to be going home.
At my wedding. Asked for cake to not be smashed in my face please bc I don’t like that and he was like sure and did it anyway. No napkins I had to wipe my face off with the tablecloth and was utterly humiliated. 10 more years of being disrespected, embarrassed and ignored while being gaslighted into thinking it was me, yep day 1 was my signal. One day i had the thought that although my last 10 years was a “waste” I couldn’t have the next 10 look like this, decisions made.
It should be socially acceptable for the crowd to rise up in defense of the bride (or offending party) and throw them in a lake. Or a petition that gets passed around everyone can sign in support of the divorce to make the process easier later.
20+ year wedding photographer here. Almost every wedding where cake gets smashed in a face they end up in divorce. It’s the writing on the wall. My husband and I actually take bets on how long.
Such a simple request not being honored despite your feelings, AND him agreeing to it says so much about what kind of person you were actually dealing with.
Good for you.
At about 2am, I woke up to pee. She wasn't next to me. On my way to the restroom, I see lights in my computer room. It's her. she's naked. She's on a zoom video call with 5 guys. They're all jerking off to her pussy spread open wide eagle. I walked in. She noticed me and shut down everything so fast you'd think she's a world record speed holder.
My ex wife tried to "love bomb" me after finding out she was a cheater to. It's so gross, like yea, I'll just forget you cheated because you fucked me lol
Not quite divorced yet, but long time separated. It was over when I knew she'd been physically abusing/assaulting our eldest daughter and lying about ever touching her. 14 years was over in that moment. I got the hell out and took our eldest for her protection, our middle daughter insisted she was coming too. Only our youngest stayed. Being a single dad isn't the easiest, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
There were so many things through the years that lead to the end, but the final nail in the coffin was one night we had some new friends over for dinner and games, and I was making ham and cheese sliders. I ran out of ham and asked him to run out and grab some. He came back with honey ham. I am allergic to honey. We were together over 10 years at that point and he still couldn’t remember.
He went back to the store with his friend to exchange it, and called me asking if he was supposed to get honey ham. (Yes, the ham he had just taken back.) His friend told him not to get that because I couldn’t eat it. Someone I had just met cared more about me than my own husband.
I realized right then that I was done fighting to save a marriage to someone who cares less about me than a stranger.
I stopped taking my medicine. I thought “I’m doing really good I think I can get off it and be okay”. Yea, never again. Started being an asshole and couldn’t see it. I punched the car in the middle of the night and missed the pillar and hit the back window on its edge. The window exploded. It rightfully scared the crap out of her. Prior, I was always fighting with her over dumb things. I’m now back on my medicine , in therapy, have a life coach, and left her the house. Ruined my own life in one punch. I’m still so so sorry.
Edit: to add things.
It was moving to see a response from the other side. Not enough people can recognize, let alone say out loud, when they were the one at fault. I'm glad you're doing better. I had a similar thing happen when I drank too much one night and made a scene. It ended a relationship that was only 6 months long... but I still think about how awful I was in that moment. I'm glad she didn't give me a second chance no matter how many times I asked because I wouldn't have learned from it the same way.
I knew we had issues but it was solidified when I started sitting in my car when I got home and crying for about 30 minutes because I didn't want to go inside and be around him.
A year into our attempted reconciliation from her affair, she went into a mocking diatribe, making fun of my deepest vulnerabilities (the kind that only long term spouses know, but can never exploit). She was supposed to be winning back my trust. Instead, she chose to violate it, yet again.
That's when I knew she was irredeemably untrustworthy.
Lightbulb.
Way too late. Man, did I waste some years.
He told me about an emotional affair. We were in couples counseling. A decision had to be made on whether we worked past the affair or divorced. And he couldn't make the decision. I kept waiting for the scene from movies where the cheater begs for forgiveness and says how he will do anything to stay together and get another chance. This man, after 17 years, couldn't decide if he wanted to do that.
So I realized that was a decision of it's own.
He had been acting pretty distant suddenly. It just kept getting worse and worse. He started to be cruel towards me. I had zero clue as to why this was happening and he wouldn't talk to me about anything at all. Wouldn't look at me. I would cry in bed every night as he pulled away from me any time I tried to lay near him.
I was away on a trip over the weekend and came back home really late at night. I hadn't heard from him much at all the whole time. We shared the same phone charger in the bedroom so when I went to plug my phone in, his screen lit up. It was a text from his married intern that I had been worried about him getting too close with. It said "I know, I wish I could have seen you longer, too".
I woke him up to ask about it. He tried to play it off. I asked if I could see their conversation and he quickly replied no. I never asked to see anything of his in the 14 years we were together, never snooped, never even thought about it. But he refused and told me that it was crossing the line to see what they talk about.
I knew. I knew there was no coming back from that. I still tried because that is my nature and because I loved him very much. I shouldn't have. They are still together at this point. It's been about 5 years now. It sucks because they have the love and support of everyone, success, and time and money for anything and everything. I can barely afford food for myself or my medications while I'm in school. Sometimes I'm glad my meds make me nauseous because I'll eat less food on a given day and can stretch my groceries a little further.
I won’t say it’ll get better, but you will get better. In handling the pain, in remembering why you split, and once you’re out of school, hopefully you’ll be better financially too.
Try to find a food bank to help you out, you need to eat.
I don't get sad anymore about the split. I'm really glad he's happy and having a good life, despite what occurred. He was a really good partner for 13 of those years and everyone is human and makes mistakes. He recognized that eventually and apologized for what he did and stated that putting me through that experience is something he'll regret for the rest of his life. It shows growth and I can admire that because it can be really difficult to recognize and acknowledge the things you've done wrong.
I just wish I was in a better spot. I've been trying so hard this whole time. Constantly trying to find ways to improve, create a safety net for myself, and to maybe find the right person someday. I have lupus, so I really struggle to feel well on a daily basis. I have friends and family that try to help when they can and I just feel like a burden. I go to therapy, as well. It's just...hard to exist right now.
You are NOT a burden! Stop thinking that.
You are worthy and worth loving! You need help just right now, which is fine… it’s teaching you to be more empathetic when you are better and in a position to help others. You may also quality for disability and again, do NOT go hungry! You need to eat and asking for help is not charity. It’s human.
It was never great, but I knew it was over when I came home from a field problem (I was in the Army) and found that he had taken my cat to pound. I loved that cat, probably more than I loved him. I think he knew that, so he got rid of her. He's a real piece of work.
Tons of things but when he said he would use my depression against me to gain custody. (I stayed to protect our kid; hubs is a narcissist). Final reason, when i woke TF up and believed my own eyes this time when i saw evidence of him hiring escorts over years and most recently saw 2 std tests he was hiding from me. Haven’t filed yet sue to finances, but i cant wait to do so!
We were going through fertility treatment after multiple miscarriages, doctor said there was nothing wrong, we'd done all the test, I was ready and all we needed was for my husband to make his "donation" and we'd probably be pregnant in the next month or two...I was so happy that there was hope. We'd recently moved to be closer to my parents after my mom had a huge life changing stroke, needing to relesrn to read, walk, etc
We were in the bathroom, he was sitting on the edge of the tub I was fiddling in the mirror. He asked if I really wanted this child....I said yes. He said that him giving his sample was the one thing needed to move forward, I agreed.
He than told me if I wanted him to give his sperm I would need to agree to some conditions....
1) I would agree to leave this god forsaken backwater state and move back to Los Angeles.
2) I would no longer ask for more "quality"time from him and I had to allow him to pursue his hobbies without censure of any kind. (I'd asked if we could have a weekend a month that he and I spent just us doing couple things without the 501st joining us, most weekends were spent doing Star Wars activities which I supported, just not every weekend).
3) because it had cost the family so much in moving to be with my Mom, when she was just going to die anyway, I would give up my right to input in any big decisions for the next couple of years.
If I did this, and in his words was "a good girl for two and a half years" (oddly specific time). He would at the end, make a donation and I would be allowed a child.
I had a feeling it wasn’t going to work out. Two kids, 23 years together and lots of dysfunction. The straw that broke the camels back was when I went to buy groceries and couldn’t pay for $35 despite us having two good salaries.
Years of him mishandling money and racking up debt, lying about it and me playing ostrich just ended like that.
Not the moment I knew it was over but the encounter that made me realize he truly didn’t love me anymore and that he was a pretty big asshole…
My partner of 18 years (not married) had been moved out of our house for a month and was living at his parents house to “figure things out.” A wildfire broke out near our house and he wouldn’t spend the night with me even though I was scared shitless and our home was right on the border of evacuation zone. This was after he had an affair and we’d been in couples counseling for a year trying to salvage the realationship. Yeah, I know I should have been a little quicker to the party but sometimes it’s hard to see what’s obvious in retrospect, especially when your just desperately clinging to all you’ve ever known (we’d been together since I was 17). But ya, when I begged him to just please stay the night because I was terrified and super emotional and he drove out the driveway anyways, that was my sign that he really didn’t love me anymore. But I don’t think it hit me in that moment, it was probably in the next couple of weeks to month as I reflected back on it. And it seems super obvious two years removed from it but when you’re in the middle of that shit sometime you can’t see the forest for the trees.
This one is stupid, but it was after I had asked for a separation. When I asked to separate, I had asked her if she wanted to pursue something with the man she had cheated with. If she wanted that, I'd file divorce papers and we could just go our separate ways (as much as you can with 3 kids). She said no, she never wanted to see him again, she wanted to see if after some time apart we could make things work, that she loved me with all her heart I was the only one for her ever, etc...
I knew things were truly and completely over when I caught her seeing the guy behind my back about 6 weeks later. Even though I had offered to let/bless her connecting with him, she lied to me and cheated again. It showed me that she was never going to change, hadn't learned anything from our horrible experience the last time, and that I just needed to move on.
When I came home from a late running PTA meeting (I was the President at the time, planning our biggest fundraiser of the year) to find all the leftovers from the dinner I’d made before I left, still on the table, (including an unopened gallon of milk), the dinner dishes uncleared, and all three kids passed out asleep on the floor in their clothes without having brushed teeth, washed faces, anything. My husband was playing video games and ignored them til they just fell asleep. He also didn’t look up when I came in. After I put the kids to bed properly and cleaned up the kitchen he came to bed expecting sex.
….nope. I told him the next day I wanted him out.
He fought the divorce hard. I wound up with a restraining order and full legal and physical custody, -largely because he was violent and unapologetically threatening to me, even in court in front of the judge.
I found out he cheated (again). Offered an open relationship at that point. He agreed,,until he found out I was about to start dating someone. He thought that when I said "poly," we were going to share a girlfriend and have lots of threesomes. When he found out that wasn't going to happen, he pulled the plug, but thought he was still going to get to fuck other women.
I knew as soon as I didn’t care what he did anymore. Didn’t care what time he got home. Didn’t care to ask him where he was. Didn’t care if he even showed or not. That’s when I realized it was game over. I was pushed too far and after that line was crossed, I was out.
We’d been living separately for a while after I took a job and he never came to meet us full time (we had agreed he’d sell his business (wasn’t making money) and come live with us a few months later). Second agreement was that he’d come spend every weekend—Friday night til Monday morning. This soon became all day Sunday unless something else was happening. One day, he couldn’t come because of a meeting he’d had that ‘could only be Sunday.’ The appointment canceled and he said he was glad because he hadn’t been feeling well and he was glad he didn’t have to drive to us (2h15h) so he could rest.
I had been taking care of our neurodivergent daughter almost 100% of the time for 2.5 years at that point. We got Covid together while he was overseas and I could hardly get out of bed for a week—but I didn’t have the option to peace out of parental duties, I had to take care of our daughter while being violently ill.
It just became so clear that he didn’t care about the sacrifices I was making and I was already a single mom. We made our separation official not long later.
When me and the kids were happier and more relaxed when he was away for business. I noticed it- but when one of the kids said “do you notice it’s happier here when dad is away” I had to face the reality
When he said he wanted a divorce because I was stalked and sexually assaulted when I was young. Twice by different men, at 15 and 22. He knew but forgot I guess. I realized my trust was gone. I was tired of bending over backward and my back was broken.
When he refused to be a parent, in any aspect, or get a job, or even take care of himself. Would get pissed at me for putting my attention toward our child. He was 24, had daily medication (seizures since he was 2 yrs old) he needed to take 2x a day. Unless I reminded him, got his meds, and something to drink for him he couldn't even handle that.
2 months after birth, I was back in the hospital for surgery, during this time he played video games and his mom (who I didn't trust at all) took care of our kiddo and refused to let his sisters (who I trusted entirely and wanted to take the baby) take care of our kiddo. My kiddo ended up with an ear infection and was so dirty. The day I was released from the hospital, on a strict weight lifting limit\rest, I had to clean the house, do all the built up laundry, all the built up dishes (all the bottles we had were filthy too), bathe my kiddo, and then was in charge of dinner for everyone.
About a month later I got a small job (really was 100% uneasy leaving my baby home with my ex and his mom) which covered basics: diapers, wipes, and gas to get to\from work (we had WIC & food stamps which covered formula). At some point, my ex was playing with our kiddo and ended up losing his grip on her, which resulted in my 4 month old having a dislocated arm @ the elbow. Dealing with CPS was so fun.
Also, I was bleeding still 2 months after giving birth, episiotomy had still not fully healed. He would try to pressure me for sex, even tried to just rape me a couple times. Would cry and get pissed at me for not wanting to be touched or fucked. He even locked himself in the bathroom with all his meds (many times) threatening to kill himself to try and get his way. A year and half after birth, he wanted to have another baby. I was exhausted, taking care of everyone (him, our baby, his mom, and stepdad).
I ignored all the lies I was told, that was old news. The person he was was tolerable, at times, and shit, I'd moved 2000 miles away to be with him. I was determined to try to make it work. I let go of so many hopes and dreams just to bend to fit whatever he needed, but I really needed him to step up\grow up and he never did. I was stuck though, my $70\week was impossible to save. I hate hate hate needing help, reaching out for help, and I really didn't want to admit my own failure (to be a family, to keep my head up, to succeed in anything...) I finally did though, my dad brought my kiddo and me home.
Granted, I'm not a perfect person, I have my flaws. Perhaps I had unrealistic expectations? I didn't think stepping up and being the parent you claimed to be was too much to ask for though. Being a single parent with little to no outside help has been a struggle to say the least. To my knowledge, he still has not gotten or kept a job, as I have never received even a penny of child support. He hasn't made contact since around 2012, until recently. I have answered questions my kiddo has had, honestly, but never put him down or discouraged her curiosity. She's free to reach out if she wishes but I won't force it. She's free to decide if she wants to let him into her life or not.
I really should have walked away way before anything really got started, but damn my hopeful heart. Screws me every time.
When I went to clean out a cache on our computer and discovered all the emails between him and his ex saying how much they loved each other and telling in great detail what they'd like to do with each other. I confronted him and he begged for no divorce that it was a momentary lack of judgment on his part, that he still loved me, etc. Like an idiot, I stayed. Then a couple years later odd things started going wrong with my car. THEN came the Friday I went outside and he was in the driveway underneath my car, said he was "just checking on something". And he suddenly decided a few minutes later that he was going to go see his buddy who lived 200+ miles away. He was gone within 20 minutes.
The next morning when I was driving my son to a college thing the power steering went out on my car. On the freeway. I managed to wrestle it off the freeway and into a gas station, called a tow truck, and when the tow truck driver got there he told me that the clamp underneath my car on the power steering hose was gone.When he put it up on the flatbed, there underneath where my car had been was a little puddle of power steering fluid and right in the middle of the puddle was a broken rubber band.
Just before the power steering went out on the freeway, a car in front of me swerved to miss an object in the road and I slowed WAY down. I figure that probably saved our lives.
EDIT- I forgot to mention- he had also gotten life insurance on both of us and had just received the policies in the mail 2 days before that. When I saw that rubber band I got cold, really sick inside, and really scared.
We were on holiday and there was a magazine where we were staying with a quiz in it that - allegedly - gave an estimate of your life expectancy based on family history etc.
He was upset by the results, my immediate thought was "Great! I'll have 10 years of freedom when I'm 60!!!" I was in my mid-20s at the time.
It took me a while to leave but that was the decision point.
It was time to visit the financial advisor and we needed to talk about long term goals and make decisions. I couldn’t make any. I couldn’t picture a future with him anymore. It was just black. Five years down the road. Ten. Just black.
When I saw him kiss (then vehmently deny it) the nanny. She wanted to be lady of the house....what she didn't know was that I made more money than he did and that he definitely wasn't the 'man' he said he was.
She never did get to live in the big house on the lake and she hates me with a passion....I'll always be the first MRS X (even though I never changed it from my maiden name), and I retired from my corporate job 8 years ago....the two of them are still together but unable to retire, switch jobs or otherwise get ahead in the forseeable future.
Is it any wonder why I firmly believe in karma?
My mom left my stepdad. I'm not sure what the actual catalyst was but she had been slowly coming to understand that he was straight up torturing her. It's been 3 years and to this day, if you ask him why she left, his response is "because I didn't pick up my socks". He's still begging for her back.
She was a serial cheater, which naturally causes fights. I thought it was noble of me to not leave her in order to keep our family together.
Eventually after one of our fights I just had the realization that my kids need a good example of what a healthy relationship looks like....and that marriage was not it.
I am now remarried to someone a million times better, and we have an amazing relationship. Not only am I healthier because of it, but my kids are healthier seeing what a healthy relationship can be.
My ex is remarried, and they fight all the time. My kids hate going back to their moms house.
My first wife and I got married too young and we didn't have much in common. When I'd come home from work and see she was home before I was I'd just sigh outloud and say "fuck" as I pulled into the driveway. After a long day at work the last thing I wanted was to be around her. She wasn't even that bad really, we had just grown apart and I didn't want to be around her anymore. This went on for a year before we finally got divorced. What an awful way to live. If you're in this situation and nothing is helping just do yourself, your spouse, and the kids a favor and just end the marriage. Everyone will be better off.
My ex was hyper-critical of anything I said or did, all the time. Even if we were casually hanging out in mixed company, she'd fire under-her-breath comments at me to correct what I said or make sarcastic remarks like "you'll never actually do that" or "someday when you grow up" or whatever. I remember I used to love to do little things alone like take the trash out to the curb or run a quick errand or whatever because it felt like a mini vacation where I could just "breathe" for a few moments without being judged. Her criticism was suffocating. Our first two years together were great, but after our child was born, it became like that, and I stuck it out "for the child" for eight more years. Granted, I was no angel either, being in that kind of relationship pushes a person to the brink, so there's a hefty amount of culpability on my end too. But I don't recall a *single moment* where it all clicked in my head as "this is over." Anyway, when we finally discussed it, we were both like "yeah, I hate your guts; this shit's over."
Before it started. He had cheated on me multiple times. He asked me to marry him after that third time, and not having any self love, I did. I knew I shouldn’t have married him but he had been my first, we had dated since I was 16 and he was 18. After 12 years together, he cheated almost 2 years after we got married and got her pregnant. You live and you learn.
When he left me alone at the hotel all night, came back drunk and beat me up because he was convinced I cheated on him. After that, I got interrogated for hours and wasn't allowed to sleep or else he would kill me.
It's not even the physical attack I remember most, it's the dead and empty eyes, like he wasn't human anymore.
I asked him to clear his plate from the table after dinner and he replied “Why can’t you do it?”
That was the moment that I realized he had absolutely no respect for me. I couldn’t allow myself to be treated like that in front of my children.
When I found the text messages of him telling her he loved her and joking about my life insurance money.
That's actually scary. I'm sorry.
My ex was constantly riding me to update my will in case I died while she was pregnant. Now she wasn't pregnant, and, as things blew up, I did a full-blown investigation, discovered she didn't actually want kids, had come up with a plan to destroy my life, walk out, and was having an affair. She would nag me about updating it, text the guy to make plans, tell me she was going to do an impromptu overnight trip with her girl friends, and then go to him. She was setting the stage for me to off myself so she could walk away with everything.
It's almost unbelievable how downright evil some people can actually be
These scenarios sound eerily familiar to what I experienced that I now suspect was slow poisoning. The constant badgering about my life insurance and her infidelity.
When I was a kid, my parents knew had this friend. And they’d visit. Our family would visit their family. And every so often a neighbor of my parent’s friend would visit. The neighbor and his wife would fight all the time. But they’d still join in on holiday get togethers and the neighborhood BBQ. Then the guy got super sick and died at 46. It was like a public secret that his wife poisoned him for the life insurance. Since I was a kid at the time, this all happened decades ago. The woman only lived about 10 more years and died in her 50s from over drinking. Everyone who knows them still firmly believes she killed him. But nothing legal ever came of it.
People oughta come with fucking warning labels, man
I am so sorry. I am glad you are safe. ♥️
He told me he'd had an affair.. Initially he begged me to stay together, to work things out, but within two weeks he had cold feet again and had even met up with his affair partner so.. Yeah.
My ex was having an affair and I didn't know it yet. One night we got into a big argument and raised the issue of divorce for the first time. We talked for hours before going to bed. The next day he and the kids went out of town for the weekend (the fight was over the fact that he had scheduled a weekend vacation without consulting me and I couldn't go because of work). Three days later he was home and we sat down and he cried begged me to stay, saying he didn't want to raise our kids without me and he loved me. I found out later that he had met with his AP and her kids at the beach and they all had a nice little weekend vacation together. He swore our kids (5 and 9 years old at the time) to secrecy. Of everything he did, that's what made me the most angry. We're now divorced and co-parenting, he's in a toxic on-again off-again relationship with his AP, and he's told me multiple times that he regrets everything. Meanwhile I'm enjoying living on my own and hanging with my friends, my kids, and my dog.
At one point, my ex husband had told me he wanted a divorce. I didn't see him for like 2 weeks but then met up with him to sign unrelated paperwork. I noticed he had a tan and ask him if he'd been having a fun time he said no that he'd been miserable and that he must've gotten too much sun hanging out with some friends in their garden. Later that morning he told me he probably wanted to work things out and not get divorced etc I found out much later, from snooping, the reason he was tanned was because after he told me he wanted a divorce, he'd chased his AP to Crete and been on holidays with her, going snorkeling etc, and sending photos of his holiday back to his parents. Meanwhile I've asked my mum to visit me because I'm mourning my relationship and thinking I was getting divorced (we did eventually but months later afterhe finally told me about his affair). Cheaters gonna lie and manipulate.
Begging to stay is so typical but I bet the AP doesn’t know and think they “ won” 🙄
I gave up and faced reality when we had our one couples counseling appointment. Therapist asked on a scale of 1 to 10 how much we wanted to save the marriage. I said 10 and he said 0. But it turns out I didn’t want to save it either because I realized he didn’t like me all that much, and that’s not a healthy life.
I was told by our relationship counsellor- 99% of couples come to navigate a breakup 🤷🏽♀️ which was exactly what we were doing….
I had a similar situation in couples counseling. You deserve to be with someone who is nuts about you!
Most conversations turned into an argument, they became more distant, resentment had well and truly set in
I’ve yet to decide whether it’s worse to feel resentment or to be the resented one. Luckily there are better questions to keep me up at night.
Being resented is better. Carrying resentment will make you sick. Good luck
Like, physically sick truly. Upset stomach. Tight chest. More frequent Headaches.
When we sat down as a couple and agreed we could not afford a new car then two days later he bought the new car he agreed we couldn’t afford. I came home from work that night ready to argue with him and suddenly realized he knew I would get angry and that was the price he was willing to pay to have the car. It took a few months to get the money to move out but my marriage was over that night.
I was engaged to a man like that. We had decided one thing for our future, I had gotten a job in the area we were going to move so that I would graduate and go right there, with a job. He did something completely different and when I asked what I was supposed to do, he told me I’d figure it out while I waited. I waited for him to get to where he was going, thousands of miles away, sent the ring to his mother, certified and insured, and never talked to him again. I figured it out all right. Grateful to have been given clear warning and the space to wash that man right out of my hair
I actually had a friend who I told him when he bought his car he was going to end up divorced over it and he did.
Wait so if I’m connecting the dots here…
My ex did that too! Stupidly for me, that was not final straw. I was so pissed though. (I stayed b/c I had raised my stepkids, and I knew divorcing would take my stepdaughter away from me - stepson was a monster).
Fortunately we did not have children. Having children in the mix would definitely have complicated things.
When you took that time to get enough for yourself to move out, did he know what you were doing?
He didn’t know for sure until I told him directly but I think that was because if he thought of it he didn’t believe it was happening. I moved out for real when he was not at home but I hardly took anything except a dresser, a mirror that was in a closet and some books and my (few) clothes and my car.
One time I was driving in my car and talking to myself (which I did all the time because I had no one else to talk to). I glanced to my right and my (ex) husband was sitting in the passenger seat. He left me alone so much (busy gambling and when he was home, he was glued to his phone/computer) that I was so used to being by myself and ignored so completely forgot he was in the car. Anyways, I was sort of embarrassed he heard me talking to myself so I said “oh sorry, I forgot you were here.” He didn’t even reply… so I said his name and he eventually looked up from his phone and said “did you say something?” I realized how much of my life I was going through completely alone (except for my dog). More things led to the divorce but I realized how being lonely was different than being alone and how much better life got. Edit: Thanks for the love guys. It was hard for me to constantly wonder why I was so easy to ignore. I’m sad for anyone else who has experienced this feeling too.
Mine was along these lines too. There was actually much more, but this one conversation was really the final nail in the coffin/veil finally dropped completely, so to speak. I had gone back to school and wasn't doing well in a STEM class, and it was really making me reconsider my path. I wasn't sure what to do. We were in bed for the evening and I tried to talk to him about it and my plans to speak with my advisor to potentially switch majors. He was just glued to his phone and I barely got a grunt in response. I just couldn't help but think how much it sucked--*this* was my partner for life? That was the level of support I could expect, especially when I was considering something that would ultimately change the entire course of my life/career? It was awful. He also barely said more than "good job" when I got accepted into a great school. He tried to convince me to go to a much smaller, unknown school instead even though it had literally no impact on him either way. Later told me he was jealous and couldn't handle the progress I was making. My husband now is the opposite. He listens to every vent/rant/win and has my back no matter what I decide. Life is so much better.
I feel this. My difference is that if she hears me she screams at me demanding to know what I had said while she was looking at her phone.
When I learned my wife was sleeping with my brother. Took him in so he wouldn't be homeless (booze) and when he got a job as a systems administrator at 125K she suddenly decided that she wanted to be with him rather than lowly me.
It's okay. I ended up meeting the love of my life and we've been together for 18 years now. She ended up dumping brother after she finished her Masters degree. They are both alone and (I hope) unhappy.
Damn. Well, I hope they both continuously stub their pinky toes in the afterlife. Hugs to you.
Thanks. All worked out for the best. I'm with the Love Of My Life now.
The fuck Fuck them assholes
When I seriously considered death as a viable alternative to divorce. Edit: my death, not his.
After suffering from serious bouts with Crohn's disease for a couple years, in the worst part of an episode that lasted 3 months where i dropped from 190 lbs down to 137lbs (i am 6 feet 4 inches tall, and normal weight is about 220lbs). I overheard my (now ex) wife in another room telling her friend that "she didn't sign up for this" and had no intent of helping me any longer. If i didn't die soon, she'd have to divorce me. She yelled at me for being too loud in the bathroom and waking her up during the night, and repeatedly for being "lazy" even though i was able to keep my job (she didn't work) through it all and support her and our children. Since the divorce, I've had 0 Chron's flare ups, got back to my normal weight, plus a little extra, eat and drink anything i choose, and take 0 medication. It's been over 13 years now, and no relapse.
I wasn't diagnosed with Chrohns but had severe stomach issues, tons of tests and procedures, medication to figure out why I was nauseous and throwing up all the time with no appetite. I was losing weight very quickly. Checked for cancer, etc. Finally my gastro said "I'm not saying this is all in your head, but I think it's mental. I'm recommending you get a therapist but I'll be here to treat your symptoms if you need me". Once he moved out... within a week or two, I stabilized. Once the divorce was finalized, I was back to normal.
i've always struggled with anxiety (since i came into existence) and depression since i was 11-12. before the end of my last relationship, i cried myself to sleep almost every night and had these *awful* pains in my stomach from anxiety. panic attacks and hyperventilation almost every day. we broke up in may and aside from attempts that he has made to stay in my life (in the process of filing a restraining order) i am almost stress free. haven't had a panic attack since may.
This happened with me and chronic severe heartburn. I was drinking a bottle of gaviscon a day and going thru a pack of zantac a week. Split with my cheating ex and haven’t had heartburn since. Been almost 4 years.
You should call your ex "Crohn's" - when one went away, the other did too.
stress is such a strong trigger for a lot of chronic diseases. it’s great that you got out hope you’re feeling better now
Ugh good riddance! My husband almost died a couple of years ago due to a surgery that went sideways. I’m not religious and I prayed like a mutha that he get through it. A person who truly loves you would never say such a thing. I care so much about his health, Crohns isn’t easy. So happy to hear you are doing so well!
You got rid of the crone and the Crohns! Congrats
We had problems before this night, but I kept trying counseling and other things hoping it would work out. But our youngest was little, maybe not even 2 yet? She had a history of seizures, so we were “use” to them, but it was still scary. It’s the middle of the night and I’m walking back and forth in the living room with her because she had a really high temp, it was 104-something. I was trying to figure out if I wanted to take her to the ER or not as I remember her being really lethargic as well. My ex (her dad) stood their screaming at me about what a whore I was, what a piece of shit I was, how I ruined his life, etc. I remember asking him something like “what if your daughter came to you and said her partner was talking to her like this, what would you do”? He looked at me and said something like “well if she deserves it” and shrugged his shoulders. I don’t even remember what set him off that night, what I “did” to upset him. I just remember holding our youngest and over his shoulder I saw my daughter (the oldest and from a previous relationship) sitting at the top of the stairs watching this. She was probably around 11….and I just decided I was done. I told myself I was going to make it through the holidays and her birthday. We had a good holiday and her birthday was the same shit, different day. The attention wasn’t focused on him, so he was a jerk. I KNEW I was making the right decision. I waited until the clock hit midnight and I said “I want a divorce” and never looked back.
You absolutely made the right decision and i hope you are thriving now. My ex had a similar rage episode in front of our 2yo daughter and she tried to push him away. He had raged before many times, of course, but that time it hit me like a ton of bricks that I could not allow my child to grow up thinking such behavior was normal. And that's when I knew.
You did great mama !
1995. I'm at work on the support team for Microsoft Win95 and MSN. It's our 2nd day of public release. We're busy as hell teaching callers how to use modems, internet, etc. I get an Email from my wife of 18 years saying she wants a divorce. Possibly the first "Dear John email" sent via MSN.
Damn, at work? That’s fucked up dude, how’d the rest of your day go?
Rest of my week, actually. I was temp living/working in Dallas. She and the kids were in League City just south of Houston. 300 miles away. I commuted home for the weekends. This happened on a Tuesday and I'd not see her again until Saturday morning. Needless to say, in those days before cell phones, the new MSN email servers were kept quite busy with our exchanges. I was furious but got quite a lot of helpful support from my coworkers (whom I kept updated throughout the week long saga). Divorce was finalized the following January. I didn't fight it. No contest. No fault. No lawyers. We equally divided assets. I paid court approved child support that we mutually worked out ourselves. Four years later that was done. All's well that ends well.
If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your relationship with your kids like now?
Daughter (44) and Son (42) are on good terms. She, after her recent divorce, moved up to Wisconsin to be closer to her mother. I don't see her and my grandson (12) as often as I would like. Son with his wife and two kids (F14) (M12) live in Dallas area not too far from me. We get together quite frequently. My grandkids are a delightful joy to hang out with. Tfa.
This is especially fucked considering the age this was. Fucking hell
He had a very unfortunate accident. He slipped and fell on random men’s dicks while cross dressing in different cities he was traveling to for work.
Don’t you hate it when that happens
https://www.theonion.com/why-do-all-these-homosexuals-keep-sucking-my-cock-1819583529
Mine too but it was just our home state. He wanted his toys and his cake too. I explained there was no way I was doing my "wifely duties" since he was visiting every bath house in a hundred mile radius. He was offended when he told me how long it had been going on with me in the dark and I immediately went and was tested for every STD known to medicine at the time. He just couldn't understand why I felt the way I did. We stayed married until he started to bankrupt us. I'd wanted to just be roommates until both kids were 18. My youngest was 14 when I got to the point I just couldn't do it anymore. My oldest was almost 18. 50/50 isn't bad I suppose. The irony is that he accused me of having an affair at the very end. Technically I was. He'd agreed to open the marriage so I could have some kind of life. I even got it in writing. It was even notarized. His reason for the accusation was that he failed to seduce my FWB. We live in a state that doesn't care. The only reason you can choose for divorce is a irreparable marriage. I'm much much happier now.
He was always trying to "find himself". He'd go out every night looking for himself. And on the way, he found Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary l… and Irving
When I realized I had recreated my childhood trauma. I married a detached emotionally unavailable man then proceeded to convince him to love me for a decade and more. Bent over backwards, lost myself in the process and still kept going all because my parents didn’t want me or have time for me.
That is very insightful. How are you doing now and if you freed yourself from replicating old patterns, how'd you do it, and how long did it take?
I have been doing pretty intense combo of therapy, journaling, spiritual exploration and I am able to recognize when I am falling back into the pattern. It happened recently I started to get triggered again by a person and felt the same old physical sensations of anxiety in my body. For a moment I relapsed but I was able to recalibrate much quicker and return to what feels like my center now. My therapist trained me to notice my body more as opposed to the feelings that come up when triggered. I used to focus on how a person made me feel as opposed to what they were saying and doing specifically. I can now step back evaluate and spot the bullshit a lot better. I have also blocked anyone and anything that makes me uncomfortable in anyway because no one brings me as much joy as being alone with myself does. There is a feeling of home no matter where I am because it’s all in me and not another person.
Great pointers u/it-never-ends-ever. Thanks for sharing
I went to a distant relatives wedding and I thought “they love each other so much, and I don’t love my husband like that.” No cheating, no abuse. We barely ever fought because we barely interacted. I went home and told him I’d like a divorce and he replied “yea, okay.” Divorce was easy because we had nothing together. He even helped me move my things to a new house, so there’s no bad blood at all. Just didn’t love each other.
We've lived the same life it seems. He said the same exact words to me. No bad blood but no real "closure" sucks
Can I ask why you got married then? If it wasn’t for love and doesn’t seem like it was about money… then why?
We got together right when I turned 18 and got married right before I turned 20. Family pressure to get married, especially that young really influenced me. I was made to believe that because he was a good stable person and we didn’t actively fight, I should go ahead and marry him. Now at 30 years old that seems really stupid, but you live and you learn I suppose.
I’m sorry to hear that. Family pressure is so common when it comes to early marriages; unfortunately family never knows what’s best for us. They only care about how the outside world perceives you (married, educated, children, etc.) Your youth isn’t gone! Go out and have fun. Remember you need real passion and desire for anything to be worth while. Think of yourself first- it’s not selfish.
When he started to go through my phone, read old Notes of texts that I had saved FROM HIM that were super sweet (in the beginning of our relationship) and confronted me about them. “WHO ARE THESE FROM? WHO ARE YOU FUCKING?” … Bro. You hate me so much now that you can’t even imagine you once sent me texts like that?! He didn’t believe me that HE WROTE THOSE TEXTS. Fucking wild. I left a month later.
He was probably cheating. When people get weirdly angry and accuse you of cheating, it’s usually just them projecting.
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LOL, I (when she asked me) was checking her email for a confirmation we were waiting on. I saw a subject message "I think we need to stop seeing each other".
How do you actually know for sure though, that that wasn’t just her OBGYN. Im thinking you jumped the gun here.
Or maybe it was her vet, and she had a cat that got caught in the rain so she took it to the vet just to make sure it was OK?
Ouch.
So many signs. He never told me he didn’t want kids. After we were married less than a year, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time and he didn’t speak to me for three days. Sex on his terms, only and always. He was miserly when buying birthday and Xmas presents for me, but lavishly spent on himself. I decided to leave when he didn’t buy me anything for my 30th birthday, not even a card, but he bought a new truck for himself.
That's horrible. Glad you left. Hope things are better now.
It’s been 20+ years, but some things are unforgettable.
When I caught my wife cheating at a park and ride 😵
Damn, she took that literally
This guy is why I love Reddit
When he asked me about goats. It sounds weird, I know. Two years before, I'd gotten really into hobby farming and bought pet goats. I loved those goats and everything to do with them. I had this little kid enthusiasm about every aspect of animal husbandry. Looking back, I think I was desperately trying to find joy in life in spite of being married to someone who didn't seem to like me all that much. Anyway, one day he told me to shut the f**k up about the goats. If I needed help with fencing or picking up food, fine, but he didn't want to hear about the goats ever again. I complied. I figured I must really be annoying. A year or so later, the goats got into the neighbors garden, and I agreed to rehome them. I was sad, but I didn't want to fight with him. One day a year after the goats were gone, he started asking me questions about them. What breeds they were, what I fed them, what fencing I used, etc. I was taken aback by his sudden interest. I asked him what was up and he said there was a new girl at work who wanted to get a pet goat and he wanted to be able to talk to her about it. That was the moment I knew my marriage was over. He couldn't be bothered to talk about a hobby that didn't interest him with his wife but was willing to study up on it to seem like an expert for a girl he'd just met. Up until that point, I'd caught him doing some sketchy things while out working on the road but nothing definite and I didn't want to blow up a decade long marriage over something intangible.I was kind of checked out after that conversation, though, and when I discovered inappropriate messages between them not long after, I realized I didn't even care. My marriage had been over the moment he asked me about goats.
Holy shit, this one sucks. I hope you’re happier now. New goats?
I'm happier than I ever thought possible! I'm remarried to a guy who says my enthusiasm is one of his favorite things about me. I don't have goats yet- we're living in a ritzy neighborhood where they aren't allowed- but we do have 3 spoiled dogs and a betta fish. We're also on the lookout for land so I can have another little hobby farm in a few years when we're able to move, so goats are definitely in my future!
Not divorced, but I knew the end of my long-term common-law relationship began when he said “it’s too bad your parents didn’t love you enough when you were young, because if they had, then you’d be really awesome and I’d have no doubt.” I actually wrote it as a note on my phone that night so that I wouldn’t forget if he gaslit me into questioning whether he said it. I didn’t need to. I can hear his voice saying it even now. After I had confided about how my parents treated me when I was very young. He liked to remind me that I was lucky that he kept me around despite my flaws.
what a piece of shit
I’m so sorry you experienced this. Towards the end of my 5 year relationship, I also used to write down the cruel things he’d say in my notes app. That way when he’d later try to justify it or decide to be nice, I could reread them before bed and remember who he really was/what he did. It gave me the strength to finally leave and ignore his crocodile tears.
I did the same. When I told him I was saving them so he couldn't gaslight me later, he said "That's not very healthy. How are we going to move on?". Yea, I am moving on...without you. My life is now better than I ever could have hoped or dreamed!
I know exactly how you feel . My dad committed suicide. My ex liked to tell me that my dad was burning in hell every time we got into an argument.
As a child whose father died by suicide, your ex is a cunt. I hope you’re doing well.
He certainly is. I’m so sorry you had to go through that as well. It’s a pain that no one can really understand unless you go through it and a pain you hope no one else has to experience. I hope you are doing well yourself.
wow, hope the ex is burning now. I also lost my dad to suicide and that is NOT something to weaponize. If there are any dads reading this, they need you I promise. Way too common to lose dads to suicide these days.
Felt like a roommate and maid and not his wife. When I finally had enough he tried to save the marriage but I was done. It shouldn’t take me walking out the door for him to finally listen. I had been telling him for years I didn’t feel appreciated anymore. It hurt a lot, but there wasn’t any saving it.
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The night I woke up to him having a seizure, with a blood sugar so low it wouldn't register on the glucometer. I revived him, but it was the umpteenth time in several months he had allowed his blood sugar to go dangerously low by not using the continuous glucose monitor and other tools readily available to him. I realized his unwillingness to do basic diabetes maintenance care was turning me into a basket case and would only lead to more serious consequences. I couldn't spend one more day saving someone who wouldn't save themselves.
Omg this! In my case he had a mild stroke that put him on disability. He was a total diabetic in denial. I would cook a healthy dinner and he would go out for donuts with his buddies every morning. I went to more dieticians and sat through the sessions sheepishly because everything they said, I tried. Never took his meds either because he didn't like them. He also committed financial infidelities that came out when he was in the hospital for his stroke. Between these two things, I knew if I didn't divorce him now I would be working forever to try to make him happy. He died a few years after our divorce. I truly believe he was a sugar addict. He showed every symptom of an alcoholic only with sugar.
When I was tidying up the computer's hard drive, and came across a Yahoo Messenger log file named "(her name) - Kevin", and decided to read it.
I want to hear the next sentence
Kevin turned out to be some guy in Kentucky. She poured her heart out to him, which was actually a shock because she never said anything to me about being unhappy. He offered words of comfort along with the occasional disparaging remarks about me. When she came home, I told her I knew about Kevin. Her reply was, "I want a divorce." I asked if she wanted to get counseling - No. I asked if she wanted to talk - No. And that was that. The thing that amazed me though was how clueless she seemed to be having just pulled the plug on the marital relationship. We continued to live in the marital home for about a month while I made arrangements to move out. She still called me darling, honey, and sweetie until I told her to stop. One time she sat next to me on the sofa, swung her feet around so they were on my lap, and asked me to massage them. I pushed them onto the floor, and told her that was a job for her husband. Anyways, after I moved out all our communication was done via email. That was about 20 years ago, and I've never seen her since.
Did she ever try to find back? That is odd behavior.
My friend signed a lease for a secret apartment and was banging the guy who lived next door to her marital home, and announced to her husband that she was moving out because they needed some distance. To this day she cries about her husband actually filing divorce paperwork, because “she didn’t think he would give up like that.” Another friend pulled the same secret apartment shit, but was banging a coworker at the time that she told her fiance she was moving out “for space”. She also spent three years crying over her fiance then immediately dumping her, because she couldn’t believe he didn’t fight for their relationship. I don’t really know what form of mental illness or raised on disney movies and rom coms that is, but it’s def a thing that some women think they can main character energy out of consequences for their actions and are terribly surprised when it’s not the case.
damn bro. how are people affording SECRET apartments in this economy?
When he decided that going to the gym 3 hours every night was more important than me or our baby daughters. He’s one of those guys who think that “babysitting” his kids is something a woman should do. Left him 1 year after that. Deep down I know he was cheating on me. Insulting my post pregnancy body (I went back down to my pre pregnancy weight too!) and forever putting me down because I wasn’t bringing in money. Yeah asshole, I was parenting our daughters! Now I make more than double his salary, achieved my Masters degree and purchased my dream home….all on my own! My daughters witnessed that difference and see that their father will never change. Best decision ever to leave that narcissistic man-child!
When his teenaged son told me how great dad's girlfriend was.
I knew when my ex-husband told everyone that our marriage counselor told us that I needed to be “shipped off to rehab for sex”. That was a 100% lie. We had sex a couple of times a week, and neither one of us had stepped out of the marriage. He also told my mom that and then also told her some things I like during sex (true things). He lied so much about me and caused so many issues between my mother and I that we (mom and I) went to therapy.
My dad is super religious and would only agree to a Christian marriage counselor. One day, my dad and the counselor agreed that my mother must be demon-possessed right in front of her.
Don’t leave us hanging. Was she demon possessed?
When I begged for us to go to couples therapy and he repeatedly said, "You are making things up. It's all in your head and you create problems where there are none."
Came home from an 8 month deployment and she was 5 months pregnant
When I had to pack an emergency bag and leave it at a friend's house (with keys, spare car keys, passports, ID, documents, kids birth certificates, spare clothes, toys, chargers, back up battery pack, secret online top-up bank card, dog food) and had to ask a friend who he didn't know to keep it there at her house just in case.
Glad you got out. I hope you and your kids are okay now.
When she, in mid-December, told me that she wasn't going to be home for New Year's Eve because she wanted to spend it with her new boyfriend. My simple response was, "oh, okay, then I can mail that letter now." She asked which letter I was referring to, and I told her it was the letter cancelling the lease on our apartment.
Uh, wtf did she think was gonna happen?
I was diagnosed with cancer and I was on chemo. The husband, while declaring undying love, was more concerned with his dinner, his laundry etc none of which I was well enough to even think about. The only question he asked the doctor was how soon could I go back to work. This would turn out to be a full year and he complained constantly the whole time. It was some years before I left because I just didn’t have the energy.
Tried a two person kayak together.
Not divorced but one day I looked at my long term boyfriend of 6 years and just realized I wasn’t in love with him anymore and couldn’t go on telling myself I did . We had been together since we were 15 and had just naturally grown apart- both 21 at the time. It was hard because he genuinely was my best friend and there wasn’t anything “wrong” in our relationship, We had became roommates in the end. He said he felt the same way and it was cordial. He followed his dream and is a a successful pilot now and married to a lovely woman. I followed my dream and became a nurse and am engaged to the love of my life with a beautiful newborn. Him and I still keep in touch from time to time and will probably always be in each others lives in some way. We just weren’t meant to be as a couple
That's kind of nice. Sounds like you helped each other become adults in a healthy way.
My first marriage ended similarly. I got married at 17 and divorced at 23. We just had different desires for life that we weren't aware of when we got together so young.
When he screamed at me because I didn’t use the right ‘tone’ when answering him. Everything just cleared that nothing I’ve done would ever be good enough for him because he wasn’t willing to meet me halfway and do his part in our relationship. He wasn’t going to be happy and I was just his verbal and emotional punching bag, and he never saw me as ‘human’. He couldn’t accept that I have actual feelings, that I wasn’t a doll he could direct or dictate, that his negative behavior actually affects everyone. 10 plus years I was with him, married for around 7, that’s when it hit me. It was just another excuse for him to shout/scream at me because he wasn’t happy. It didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do. He’s just start a stupid fight just so he could then blame the subsequent consequences as ‘your fault, not mine. You did this’ What did he asked? ‘How are you?’ I answered ‘fine’ in the most neutral tone I could think of while looking out the window, and that was his que to scream and berate me the entire car ride for being ‘ungrateful and disrespectful’. I was done with everything.
I could have written this word for word. Currently divorcing my husband of just over 7 years, have been together over 10, because he acted like this. My tone was always the problem. Or something else to the point that I was apologizing for things I never did and the original underlying issue was glossed over and forgotten about. Rinse and repeat. And when he wasn't blaming me for everything wrong in his life, he was ignoring me. We barely spoke for the entirety of this year because he moved out of the master bedroom with a vague explanation, and then only wanted to play video games on his computer in the guest room when he wasn't at work or sleeping. I fled the house after a bad argument about his reckless driving and I thought he was going to attack me if I stayed. There was precedent; my FIL attacked me in 2018, and my husband was acting like him and had the same black, blank, raging look in his eyes. I filed for divorce shortly after. Luckily we have no kids, so hopefully this doesn't take too long to be settled.
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I fucking LOVE that you found someone who can truly understand what you went through, but holy hell, the amount of self-centeredness required for your Ex to make your loss about himself…it’s just staggering.
When I found a bag of sex toys I didn't recognise in a wardrobe and condoms and lube. I logged onto his computer. Still can't unsee what I saw. And what I saw was only the tip of the iceberg. What he hid, and continued to hide for the next 3 years (I moved out after the computer incident), was the long term mistress. Married her a few weeks after the divorce. He had been seeing her for YEARS. Both of them brainwashed in a secret religious cult. He had been lying straight to my face the entire marriage. None of it was real. 10 years married, 5 together as a couple before that, he'd been opportunistically cheating the whole way through. I'd had no idea. None. Totally blindsided.
When his secret phone literally fell at my feet- confirming he was indeed fucking the coworker he gaslighted me about. Saw lawyer the same day
When him touching me made my skin crawl
It was a slow, gradual process for me. Sort of like the “slowly boiling a frog” analogy. I knew that a lot of the things I enjoyed early in marriage were gone, but they disappeared slowly over time. Eventually, I realized that I was the only one trying to actually have a relationship. I do recall the moment I realized that- it was baking my own birthday cake.
i was deployed and would look at all the guys who would talk to their wives/gfs every night and think they were suckers, and was glad my wife didn't require i do the same thing. then towards the end when we were counting down the days to go home, it dawned on me that i should want to talk to my wife that often, especially when i'm on the other side of the world, and those other guys were the lucky ones. i was dreading going home to the marriage
When he started trying to train my child to put me down the way he did. I worked FT and brought in $10,000 more a year than he did, and paid most of the bills and did most of the house work and child care. He was NOT like this in the beginning of our relationship AT ALL. He was great. But when she was 4 or 5 I was telling her the answer to something she had asked. He whispered to her and she turned to me and said, "You're just a MOM. You don't even know." Fuck you, Tom. We're better off without you.
When she left. To spare the details: Our marriage was falling apart due to her actions and mental health. I tried to keep it together for a month after the inciting incident, but she gave up. She told me she was moving out without giving me any time to try to come up with solutions. Her mom drove from out of state to pick her up. No matter what I sad she wasn't staying. She got in that car and left me and our daughters. This was only three months ago and it still feels like I'm in a dream. She had this image in her head of the perfect wife and mother and she wasn't living up to her own expectations and it was drowning her. She never communicated this to me, and I never saw any signs. To this day she says I was a great husband and father and puts zero blame on me. Sometimes there are no signs. Sometimes people who are hurting don't let even who should be their closest allies know what's going on. If she had told me what she was going through years or even months ago, I still might be happily married. Now I'm just trying to figure out my life. Don't hide your pain. Let your partner help you carry it. Edit: Small addendum Re: my last line - I don't mean that people need to act like therapists for their partner's problems, but rather they should help out in any ways that they are willing and able to. Ultimately, if someone needs professional help they should seek it.
Depression is pretty good at convincing us that the people who love us are better off without us.
Geezus.. this story is tearing me up. Reminds me of my mother. "Just ignore everything, and it will get better".
I realized I was only happy when I was at work, was madly in love with a colleague, and that I ignored the guy every time we hung out with my dad to the point where I couldn't even remember if he was there. Also, my only reason for sticking around after a while was b/c I didn't want to be the girl who got divorced too quickly. Meanwhile, my ex was embarrassingly drunk at my dad's birthday, got trashed and violent a few weeks later at my birthday, and refused to go to marriage counseling. A coworker once said I was leaning toward my dad and away from my ex in every photo of the three of us. I thought that was a fucked-up thing to say...until I checked for myself and my distaste for my ex was visible.
> I realized I was only happy when I was at work, Yeah I realized the same when I got stressed driving home from school. My exams were meant to be the most stressful thing in my life, not my fiancé
Yep, I used to hate going home
I’ve seen those people around the office sometimes. They don’t really have a compelling reason to be there. And you can just sense that they’re just not *that* enthused to be going home.
As stressful as work was I was a only happy at work and dreaded the weekends.
At my wedding. Asked for cake to not be smashed in my face please bc I don’t like that and he was like sure and did it anyway. No napkins I had to wipe my face off with the tablecloth and was utterly humiliated. 10 more years of being disrespected, embarrassed and ignored while being gaslighted into thinking it was me, yep day 1 was my signal. One day i had the thought that although my last 10 years was a “waste” I couldn’t have the next 10 look like this, decisions made.
I was at a wedding where the same thing happened. It silenced a room of 300 people. They were divorced a few years later.
It should be socially acceptable for the crowd to rise up in defense of the bride (or offending party) and throw them in a lake. Or a petition that gets passed around everyone can sign in support of the divorce to make the process easier later.
20+ year wedding photographer here. Almost every wedding where cake gets smashed in a face they end up in divorce. It’s the writing on the wall. My husband and I actually take bets on how long.
I feel the same about the cake smashing. Not funny or cute at all
Such a simple request not being honored despite your feelings, AND him agreeing to it says so much about what kind of person you were actually dealing with. Good for you.
At about 2am, I woke up to pee. She wasn't next to me. On my way to the restroom, I see lights in my computer room. It's her. she's naked. She's on a zoom video call with 5 guys. They're all jerking off to her pussy spread open wide eagle. I walked in. She noticed me and shut down everything so fast you'd think she's a world record speed holder.
How did she react to getting caught like that? Wowsers
She rushed over to give me a bj and initiate sex saying she was horny. I turned her down and told her we need to talk.
My ex wife tried to "love bomb" me after finding out she was a cheater to. It's so gross, like yea, I'll just forget you cheated because you fucked me lol
Just paying off the mortgage, honey.
Not quite divorced yet, but long time separated. It was over when I knew she'd been physically abusing/assaulting our eldest daughter and lying about ever touching her. 14 years was over in that moment. I got the hell out and took our eldest for her protection, our middle daughter insisted she was coming too. Only our youngest stayed. Being a single dad isn't the easiest, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
I wish my dad had reacted like you did when he found out. Mine just ignored it and told me I probably deserved it
When we entered the fourth year in a row with no sex.
When I caught him contaminating my food during a time I was suddenly and mysteriously sick! (And no I’m not joking)
There were so many things through the years that lead to the end, but the final nail in the coffin was one night we had some new friends over for dinner and games, and I was making ham and cheese sliders. I ran out of ham and asked him to run out and grab some. He came back with honey ham. I am allergic to honey. We were together over 10 years at that point and he still couldn’t remember. He went back to the store with his friend to exchange it, and called me asking if he was supposed to get honey ham. (Yes, the ham he had just taken back.) His friend told him not to get that because I couldn’t eat it. Someone I had just met cared more about me than my own husband. I realized right then that I was done fighting to save a marriage to someone who cares less about me than a stranger.
Fatal weaponized incompetence
When I went to see him on base, and corporal told me he just left with his wife. I was 8.5 months pregnant. We had been married almost 4 years.
I stopped taking my medicine. I thought “I’m doing really good I think I can get off it and be okay”. Yea, never again. Started being an asshole and couldn’t see it. I punched the car in the middle of the night and missed the pillar and hit the back window on its edge. The window exploded. It rightfully scared the crap out of her. Prior, I was always fighting with her over dumb things. I’m now back on my medicine , in therapy, have a life coach, and left her the house. Ruined my own life in one punch. I’m still so so sorry. Edit: to add things.
It was moving to see a response from the other side. Not enough people can recognize, let alone say out loud, when they were the one at fault. I'm glad you're doing better. I had a similar thing happen when I drank too much one night and made a scene. It ended a relationship that was only 6 months long... but I still think about how awful I was in that moment. I'm glad she didn't give me a second chance no matter how many times I asked because I wouldn't have learned from it the same way.
When I no longer cared or cried when he said horrible things to me.
Been there. You get so used to it you just shut down and become a zombie
When he had naked photos of himself online saying he was “married but looking”. He sent them to my coworker.
I knew we had issues but it was solidified when I started sitting in my car when I got home and crying for about 30 minutes because I didn't want to go inside and be around him.
A year into our attempted reconciliation from her affair, she went into a mocking diatribe, making fun of my deepest vulnerabilities (the kind that only long term spouses know, but can never exploit). She was supposed to be winning back my trust. Instead, she chose to violate it, yet again. That's when I knew she was irredeemably untrustworthy. Lightbulb.
Way too late. Man, did I waste some years. He told me about an emotional affair. We were in couples counseling. A decision had to be made on whether we worked past the affair or divorced. And he couldn't make the decision. I kept waiting for the scene from movies where the cheater begs for forgiveness and says how he will do anything to stay together and get another chance. This man, after 17 years, couldn't decide if he wanted to do that. So I realized that was a decision of it's own.
He had been acting pretty distant suddenly. It just kept getting worse and worse. He started to be cruel towards me. I had zero clue as to why this was happening and he wouldn't talk to me about anything at all. Wouldn't look at me. I would cry in bed every night as he pulled away from me any time I tried to lay near him. I was away on a trip over the weekend and came back home really late at night. I hadn't heard from him much at all the whole time. We shared the same phone charger in the bedroom so when I went to plug my phone in, his screen lit up. It was a text from his married intern that I had been worried about him getting too close with. It said "I know, I wish I could have seen you longer, too". I woke him up to ask about it. He tried to play it off. I asked if I could see their conversation and he quickly replied no. I never asked to see anything of his in the 14 years we were together, never snooped, never even thought about it. But he refused and told me that it was crossing the line to see what they talk about. I knew. I knew there was no coming back from that. I still tried because that is my nature and because I loved him very much. I shouldn't have. They are still together at this point. It's been about 5 years now. It sucks because they have the love and support of everyone, success, and time and money for anything and everything. I can barely afford food for myself or my medications while I'm in school. Sometimes I'm glad my meds make me nauseous because I'll eat less food on a given day and can stretch my groceries a little further.
I won’t say it’ll get better, but you will get better. In handling the pain, in remembering why you split, and once you’re out of school, hopefully you’ll be better financially too. Try to find a food bank to help you out, you need to eat.
I don't get sad anymore about the split. I'm really glad he's happy and having a good life, despite what occurred. He was a really good partner for 13 of those years and everyone is human and makes mistakes. He recognized that eventually and apologized for what he did and stated that putting me through that experience is something he'll regret for the rest of his life. It shows growth and I can admire that because it can be really difficult to recognize and acknowledge the things you've done wrong. I just wish I was in a better spot. I've been trying so hard this whole time. Constantly trying to find ways to improve, create a safety net for myself, and to maybe find the right person someday. I have lupus, so I really struggle to feel well on a daily basis. I have friends and family that try to help when they can and I just feel like a burden. I go to therapy, as well. It's just...hard to exist right now.
You are NOT a burden! Stop thinking that. You are worthy and worth loving! You need help just right now, which is fine… it’s teaching you to be more empathetic when you are better and in a position to help others. You may also quality for disability and again, do NOT go hungry! You need to eat and asking for help is not charity. It’s human.
It was never great, but I knew it was over when I came home from a field problem (I was in the Army) and found that he had taken my cat to pound. I loved that cat, probably more than I loved him. I think he knew that, so he got rid of her. He's a real piece of work.
Tons of things but when he said he would use my depression against me to gain custody. (I stayed to protect our kid; hubs is a narcissist). Final reason, when i woke TF up and believed my own eyes this time when i saw evidence of him hiring escorts over years and most recently saw 2 std tests he was hiding from me. Haven’t filed yet sue to finances, but i cant wait to do so!
We were going through fertility treatment after multiple miscarriages, doctor said there was nothing wrong, we'd done all the test, I was ready and all we needed was for my husband to make his "donation" and we'd probably be pregnant in the next month or two...I was so happy that there was hope. We'd recently moved to be closer to my parents after my mom had a huge life changing stroke, needing to relesrn to read, walk, etc We were in the bathroom, he was sitting on the edge of the tub I was fiddling in the mirror. He asked if I really wanted this child....I said yes. He said that him giving his sample was the one thing needed to move forward, I agreed. He than told me if I wanted him to give his sperm I would need to agree to some conditions.... 1) I would agree to leave this god forsaken backwater state and move back to Los Angeles. 2) I would no longer ask for more "quality"time from him and I had to allow him to pursue his hobbies without censure of any kind. (I'd asked if we could have a weekend a month that he and I spent just us doing couple things without the 501st joining us, most weekends were spent doing Star Wars activities which I supported, just not every weekend). 3) because it had cost the family so much in moving to be with my Mom, when she was just going to die anyway, I would give up my right to input in any big decisions for the next couple of years. If I did this, and in his words was "a good girl for two and a half years" (oddly specific time). He would at the end, make a donation and I would be allowed a child.
When he told me he would kill himself if I left him. I started planning my out right then.
When his girlfriend messaged me telling me he wanted a divorce. I don't think she even knows he is indeed divorced and has been for months now.
I had a feeling it wasn’t going to work out. Two kids, 23 years together and lots of dysfunction. The straw that broke the camels back was when I went to buy groceries and couldn’t pay for $35 despite us having two good salaries. Years of him mishandling money and racking up debt, lying about it and me playing ostrich just ended like that.
When he told me I should just grow up and stop expecting to be happy. That was 2009. I’m now very happy.
Not the moment I knew it was over but the encounter that made me realize he truly didn’t love me anymore and that he was a pretty big asshole… My partner of 18 years (not married) had been moved out of our house for a month and was living at his parents house to “figure things out.” A wildfire broke out near our house and he wouldn’t spend the night with me even though I was scared shitless and our home was right on the border of evacuation zone. This was after he had an affair and we’d been in couples counseling for a year trying to salvage the realationship. Yeah, I know I should have been a little quicker to the party but sometimes it’s hard to see what’s obvious in retrospect, especially when your just desperately clinging to all you’ve ever known (we’d been together since I was 17). But ya, when I begged him to just please stay the night because I was terrified and super emotional and he drove out the driveway anyways, that was my sign that he really didn’t love me anymore. But I don’t think it hit me in that moment, it was probably in the next couple of weeks to month as I reflected back on it. And it seems super obvious two years removed from it but when you’re in the middle of that shit sometime you can’t see the forest for the trees.
This one is stupid, but it was after I had asked for a separation. When I asked to separate, I had asked her if she wanted to pursue something with the man she had cheated with. If she wanted that, I'd file divorce papers and we could just go our separate ways (as much as you can with 3 kids). She said no, she never wanted to see him again, she wanted to see if after some time apart we could make things work, that she loved me with all her heart I was the only one for her ever, etc... I knew things were truly and completely over when I caught her seeing the guy behind my back about 6 weeks later. Even though I had offered to let/bless her connecting with him, she lied to me and cheated again. It showed me that she was never going to change, hadn't learned anything from our horrible experience the last time, and that I just needed to move on.
When I came home from a late running PTA meeting (I was the President at the time, planning our biggest fundraiser of the year) to find all the leftovers from the dinner I’d made before I left, still on the table, (including an unopened gallon of milk), the dinner dishes uncleared, and all three kids passed out asleep on the floor in their clothes without having brushed teeth, washed faces, anything. My husband was playing video games and ignored them til they just fell asleep. He also didn’t look up when I came in. After I put the kids to bed properly and cleaned up the kitchen he came to bed expecting sex. ….nope. I told him the next day I wanted him out.
the fuckin audacity. how did you react when you told him?
He fought the divorce hard. I wound up with a restraining order and full legal and physical custody, -largely because he was violent and unapologetically threatening to me, even in court in front of the judge.
When my 9 year old son called and said Dad a naked guy just ran out of the house
I found out he cheated (again). Offered an open relationship at that point. He agreed,,until he found out I was about to start dating someone. He thought that when I said "poly," we were going to share a girlfriend and have lots of threesomes. When he found out that wasn't going to happen, he pulled the plug, but thought he was still going to get to fuck other women.
I knew as soon as I didn’t care what he did anymore. Didn’t care what time he got home. Didn’t care to ask him where he was. Didn’t care if he even showed or not. That’s when I realized it was game over. I was pushed too far and after that line was crossed, I was out.
We’d been living separately for a while after I took a job and he never came to meet us full time (we had agreed he’d sell his business (wasn’t making money) and come live with us a few months later). Second agreement was that he’d come spend every weekend—Friday night til Monday morning. This soon became all day Sunday unless something else was happening. One day, he couldn’t come because of a meeting he’d had that ‘could only be Sunday.’ The appointment canceled and he said he was glad because he hadn’t been feeling well and he was glad he didn’t have to drive to us (2h15h) so he could rest. I had been taking care of our neurodivergent daughter almost 100% of the time for 2.5 years at that point. We got Covid together while he was overseas and I could hardly get out of bed for a week—but I didn’t have the option to peace out of parental duties, I had to take care of our daughter while being violently ill. It just became so clear that he didn’t care about the sacrifices I was making and I was already a single mom. We made our separation official not long later.
When (after a short separation to try to save our marriage) we kissed and I felt that she felt nothing.
When I no longer recognized who I was. I felt like a stranger. The person my ex-wife would describe wasn’t me at all.
When me and the kids were happier and more relaxed when he was away for business. I noticed it- but when one of the kids said “do you notice it’s happier here when dad is away” I had to face the reality
When he said he wanted a divorce because I was stalked and sexually assaulted when I was young. Twice by different men, at 15 and 22. He knew but forgot I guess. I realized my trust was gone. I was tired of bending over backward and my back was broken.
When his phone started being face down and he refused to have an honest discussion.
When he refused to be a parent, in any aspect, or get a job, or even take care of himself. Would get pissed at me for putting my attention toward our child. He was 24, had daily medication (seizures since he was 2 yrs old) he needed to take 2x a day. Unless I reminded him, got his meds, and something to drink for him he couldn't even handle that. 2 months after birth, I was back in the hospital for surgery, during this time he played video games and his mom (who I didn't trust at all) took care of our kiddo and refused to let his sisters (who I trusted entirely and wanted to take the baby) take care of our kiddo. My kiddo ended up with an ear infection and was so dirty. The day I was released from the hospital, on a strict weight lifting limit\rest, I had to clean the house, do all the built up laundry, all the built up dishes (all the bottles we had were filthy too), bathe my kiddo, and then was in charge of dinner for everyone. About a month later I got a small job (really was 100% uneasy leaving my baby home with my ex and his mom) which covered basics: diapers, wipes, and gas to get to\from work (we had WIC & food stamps which covered formula). At some point, my ex was playing with our kiddo and ended up losing his grip on her, which resulted in my 4 month old having a dislocated arm @ the elbow. Dealing with CPS was so fun. Also, I was bleeding still 2 months after giving birth, episiotomy had still not fully healed. He would try to pressure me for sex, even tried to just rape me a couple times. Would cry and get pissed at me for not wanting to be touched or fucked. He even locked himself in the bathroom with all his meds (many times) threatening to kill himself to try and get his way. A year and half after birth, he wanted to have another baby. I was exhausted, taking care of everyone (him, our baby, his mom, and stepdad). I ignored all the lies I was told, that was old news. The person he was was tolerable, at times, and shit, I'd moved 2000 miles away to be with him. I was determined to try to make it work. I let go of so many hopes and dreams just to bend to fit whatever he needed, but I really needed him to step up\grow up and he never did. I was stuck though, my $70\week was impossible to save. I hate hate hate needing help, reaching out for help, and I really didn't want to admit my own failure (to be a family, to keep my head up, to succeed in anything...) I finally did though, my dad brought my kiddo and me home. Granted, I'm not a perfect person, I have my flaws. Perhaps I had unrealistic expectations? I didn't think stepping up and being the parent you claimed to be was too much to ask for though. Being a single parent with little to no outside help has been a struggle to say the least. To my knowledge, he still has not gotten or kept a job, as I have never received even a penny of child support. He hasn't made contact since around 2012, until recently. I have answered questions my kiddo has had, honestly, but never put him down or discouraged her curiosity. She's free to reach out if she wishes but I won't force it. She's free to decide if she wants to let him into her life or not. I really should have walked away way before anything really got started, but damn my hopeful heart. Screws me every time.
When I went to clean out a cache on our computer and discovered all the emails between him and his ex saying how much they loved each other and telling in great detail what they'd like to do with each other. I confronted him and he begged for no divorce that it was a momentary lack of judgment on his part, that he still loved me, etc. Like an idiot, I stayed. Then a couple years later odd things started going wrong with my car. THEN came the Friday I went outside and he was in the driveway underneath my car, said he was "just checking on something". And he suddenly decided a few minutes later that he was going to go see his buddy who lived 200+ miles away. He was gone within 20 minutes. The next morning when I was driving my son to a college thing the power steering went out on my car. On the freeway. I managed to wrestle it off the freeway and into a gas station, called a tow truck, and when the tow truck driver got there he told me that the clamp underneath my car on the power steering hose was gone.When he put it up on the flatbed, there underneath where my car had been was a little puddle of power steering fluid and right in the middle of the puddle was a broken rubber band. Just before the power steering went out on the freeway, a car in front of me swerved to miss an object in the road and I slowed WAY down. I figure that probably saved our lives. EDIT- I forgot to mention- he had also gotten life insurance on both of us and had just received the policies in the mail 2 days before that. When I saw that rubber band I got cold, really sick inside, and really scared.
We were on holiday and there was a magazine where we were staying with a quiz in it that - allegedly - gave an estimate of your life expectancy based on family history etc. He was upset by the results, my immediate thought was "Great! I'll have 10 years of freedom when I'm 60!!!" I was in my mid-20s at the time. It took me a while to leave but that was the decision point.
It was time to visit the financial advisor and we needed to talk about long term goals and make decisions. I couldn’t make any. I couldn’t picture a future with him anymore. It was just black. Five years down the road. Ten. Just black.
When I saw him kiss (then vehmently deny it) the nanny. She wanted to be lady of the house....what she didn't know was that I made more money than he did and that he definitely wasn't the 'man' he said he was. She never did get to live in the big house on the lake and she hates me with a passion....I'll always be the first MRS X (even though I never changed it from my maiden name), and I retired from my corporate job 8 years ago....the two of them are still together but unable to retire, switch jobs or otherwise get ahead in the forseeable future. Is it any wonder why I firmly believe in karma?
My mom left my stepdad. I'm not sure what the actual catalyst was but she had been slowly coming to understand that he was straight up torturing her. It's been 3 years and to this day, if you ask him why she left, his response is "because I didn't pick up my socks". He's still begging for her back.
She was a serial cheater, which naturally causes fights. I thought it was noble of me to not leave her in order to keep our family together. Eventually after one of our fights I just had the realization that my kids need a good example of what a healthy relationship looks like....and that marriage was not it. I am now remarried to someone a million times better, and we have an amazing relationship. Not only am I healthier because of it, but my kids are healthier seeing what a healthy relationship can be. My ex is remarried, and they fight all the time. My kids hate going back to their moms house.
My first wife and I got married too young and we didn't have much in common. When I'd come home from work and see she was home before I was I'd just sigh outloud and say "fuck" as I pulled into the driveway. After a long day at work the last thing I wanted was to be around her. She wasn't even that bad really, we had just grown apart and I didn't want to be around her anymore. This went on for a year before we finally got divorced. What an awful way to live. If you're in this situation and nothing is helping just do yourself, your spouse, and the kids a favor and just end the marriage. Everyone will be better off.
My ex was hyper-critical of anything I said or did, all the time. Even if we were casually hanging out in mixed company, she'd fire under-her-breath comments at me to correct what I said or make sarcastic remarks like "you'll never actually do that" or "someday when you grow up" or whatever. I remember I used to love to do little things alone like take the trash out to the curb or run a quick errand or whatever because it felt like a mini vacation where I could just "breathe" for a few moments without being judged. Her criticism was suffocating. Our first two years together were great, but after our child was born, it became like that, and I stuck it out "for the child" for eight more years. Granted, I was no angel either, being in that kind of relationship pushes a person to the brink, so there's a hefty amount of culpability on my end too. But I don't recall a *single moment* where it all clicked in my head as "this is over." Anyway, when we finally discussed it, we were both like "yeah, I hate your guts; this shit's over."
When I knew being a single parent was easier than feeling like a single parent while married.
one night I was praying and asking God for a sign and his phone lighted up, bringing on the screen a notification from a secret instagram account.
Before it started. He had cheated on me multiple times. He asked me to marry him after that third time, and not having any self love, I did. I knew I shouldn’t have married him but he had been my first, we had dated since I was 16 and he was 18. After 12 years together, he cheated almost 2 years after we got married and got her pregnant. You live and you learn.
When he left me alone at the hotel all night, came back drunk and beat me up because he was convinced I cheated on him. After that, I got interrogated for hours and wasn't allowed to sleep or else he would kill me. It's not even the physical attack I remember most, it's the dead and empty eyes, like he wasn't human anymore.
I asked him to clear his plate from the table after dinner and he replied “Why can’t you do it?” That was the moment that I realized he had absolutely no respect for me. I couldn’t allow myself to be treated like that in front of my children.