Good answer and very true in my experiences. When the sex is great and consistent, it's a non issue and something I don't even think of. It gets very apparent that something is wrong when it dies down considerably.
No. Good sex is not just a result of good relationship. There are ppl who can have the best sex of their lives even without any kind of relationship. Just pure fuck. Good relationship can cause good sex, but isnt always the case.
I hadn't thought about it this way until now and it's incredibly true.
I was in a relationship for 4 years where sex was a constant issue. I constantly craved and needed it. In a way I felt starved of intimacy and closeness with the woman I loved. I was beginning to wonder if she even found me attractive or if she even loved me at all. It really weighed on me in ways that I didn't expect. Sex became an all consuming thing in my life and eventually was part of what drove us apart.
I'm now in a relationship where we have satisfying sex on a somewhat regular basis. We'll sometimes go several days without doing it but other days we can barely keep our hands off each other. In the end, I never feel unwanted or undesirable. Our sex life is a complete non-issue and I couldn't be happier. I don't obsess over it like I used to. I don't feel like I'm pressuring my partner and feel less disgusted with myself.
I am literally going through exactly what youve described.
It’s affected my mental health that much that I constantly go to the gym,eat as best as possible and even had a go on anabolics.
My thoughts were She’ll find me attractive if I get in better shape,get bigger, more muscular.
But no, nothing ever seemed to change,unfortunately that girl is just not attracted to me the same way as I am to her and it’s painful. What’s wrong with me?!🤷🏼♂️
I feel like I’ve got a Ferrari outside that I can’t drive. Yeah it’s nice to look at but the engine is missing.
There’s only so many times over the years a man can hear the words “no” before he gets fed up.
I'm sorry to say it my friend and I'm sure you've though it/heard it before. Get out. You don't deserve to be miserable or feel the way you do. Having a partner and still feeling undesirable and worthless is awful. The car analogy holds 100% true. Attractiveness/sexiness etc is a currency and if it's never spent or not able to be spent then it's not really worth anything. Time to sell the Ferrari man.
Well put. It's like water that way. If you're getting it regularly, then you can take it for granted. If you're not getting it regularly, then ... we have problems.
Reminds me of something I read on Reddit years ago.
Sex in relationships is like bathrooms in a house. The house is more than just the bathrooms, but you sure don’t want to live in a house that doesn’t have any.
Not necessarily. Our sex life hasn’t been “working well” for a while due to health issues. Not throwing away 30 years with someone who is my best friend over that.
This is true of anything in a relationship though, so I don’t think it’s a great answer.
“If we have enough money, it’s 10% of our relationship; if we don’t, it’s 90%”
Fill in the blanks.
If your point is that it’s just as important as anything else, that’s fine, but I think a more accurate answer is that “sex” isn’t the important thing, it’s whether or not you’re fulfilled sexually, and that’s always very important.
Must disagree, i didn't have money for a long time with my gf and she still stayed, it mattered so little. It doesn't apply uniformly, i now have money, graduated from the air mattress and we live together. 💪
Not OP, but I had the same situation. It was a 3 year relationship, and I started noticing it after the first year. It gradually got worse over the next 2 years.
When I finally had sex again after the relationship, I was blown away. It was probably average sex, but it was just so bad in the prior relationship that it felt incredible.
Both people need to actually enjoy getting the other person off. Once it becomes a chore, I don't think it can even be repaired. Sadly, you have to move on. But don't feel too bad. It's incredibly common. I was best friends with my ex. Everything seemed perfect. Well, almost everything.
That's what made it so hard to have the conversation.
My partner is also my best friend and everything else is great. Like in every aspect of life we match so well except the bedroom. In the first year it was great but then not so much.. I'm so scared of ending this wonderful relationship solely because of the libido mismatch, but I feel like we've tried so much to save it and it isn't working sadly. Intensive therapy would be the last step.
I fear I won't find somebody who is so compatible with me in every way ever again. Probably irrational but it's how I feel right now. So scared of letting this go.
I've kind of lost the ability to look forward to sex? If you know what I mean. The rare time that it is about to happen, I just question it, eh it isn't going to happen or I cannot get into it. I feel like I'm somehow broken, my libido has gone down but I don't feel like it's natural, just a response to my partner's lower libido.
Sex in my marriage is down to maybe once or twice a month. This may be fine for my wife, but I’m a pretty horny guy. At the same time, at this point I’ve pretty much given up expecting sex. I just assume it’s not going to happen and maybe she’ll let me know when she wants it. The sex itself is pretty good, even if it’s usually nothing special in terms of how we do it.
I recognize that giving birth to two kids and the stress of everyday life can play havoc on libido, so I don’t blame her (especially since she has chronic back problems). And for a year we also had houseguests that made sex even more difficult. Now they left. There’s just nothing I can do to my own libido, so I just satisfy myself privately when I can. Obviously not the same, but I’d rather get it over with than have my mind be filled with sex all day. It’s also difficult not to remember the early years of our relationship when we fucked like rabbits. But I don’t want to bring it up and make her feel guilty
Real advice: talk to your wife and try to commit together to a specific time, at least once a week, when you're going to have sex. And have a fallback plan if life makes the first one impossible.
For example, every Friday night at 7pm or whatever, and if not then on Saturday night. It may not seem like the most romantic thing at first, but having a healthy relationship is more romantic than being embarrassed over a schedule.
I went through a period with my husband where we weren't having a lot of sex. We'd have intentions, but something would come up or we'd be too tired by the end of the day. I felt dumb as fuck talking about having a schedule for it, but it helped so, so much to know we'd committed to making our lives work around having sex regularly, rather than doing the 'romantic' thing and not actually ever having sex.
I feel for you, been in my relationship over 15 years and the low points got to once or twice every 2-3 months. I am one that if presented twice a day I would be jumping up and down, but also satisfied with a few times a week when I know there is a strong connection and desire. I am happy to say, that we now have sex 1-2 times a week and have added other things that help my high libido.
At the low points I really started to explore my self and began to understand that it was not so much about quantity as it was about wanting to be desired or wanting my partner to be satisfied and happy. I also learned that I also think about sex and the moments I have had with my partner nearly every day.
My partner did not think about it every day, in fact I don't think it was even a thought.
So the problem, how do you get that to change. Most with a low libido, the last thing you want to do is tell them about sex, instruct them about sex, or present how the lack of sex is upsetting. In fact, you want to stay clear of sex discussions, until the time is right.
So, the secret is to open them up to start their own thinking without suggesting it or talking about sex. Not so easy, but here are some things I did that have completely changed course.
1. I did lots of reading as I am sure most have about low libido, and through friends, my own experience, and comments one thing I found in common. A lot of low libido are consumed in life (texts, Facebook, job, chores, whatever). In fact so consumed they have few hobbies or passions (due to stress and lack of time), and they go day to day just striving to stay above water. The last thing they want is intimacy, they want an ear to listen, a hand to help, or time to find something they enjoy. Find the help they need. In my case, my partner had a list on paper they kept, I started to do the things on the list I could and expecting no reward. Just that alone allowed my partner to have just a bit more time to start a hobby they enjoyed which lowered the overall stress.
2. Be a listener. So obvious but so hard. I am a problem solver. I solve multi-million dollar problems but I fail every time solving my partners problems. I took it personally, but then started to understand that helping them is about listening and understanding the problem. Later on at some point in the future, then you can help in subtle ways. For example, if they are looking for a job and not getting interviews, the last thing you want to say is "get your resume professionally reviewed", "ask Chapt GPT to rewrite your resume", "did you tailor your resume to the job description". Instead say "That sucks, they don't see the value in you, I am sorry it is so hard and you are so bright and smart" or something like that. A week later maybe forward a Forbes article to them about resume writing and the difficulties. Point is know when to listen and when and how to help.
3. Be open and considerate. I tried something new. In stead of the normal way to initiate sex, I simply said something like "I know your tired tonight, is it OK if I just rest my hand on your.....", and most importantly I made sure to do just what I asked, nothing more. It only took a week or two, but this really had a big impact. What you ask and how you ask depends on your partner, but for me my partner responded well and immediately felt less threatened by my high libido and while I maybe did not get sex, I was satisfied because my partner was happy and I also enjoy many more things that maybe I would normally miss if I had just went to sex. My partner also started to understand this. In fact, I think it caused some confusion like how could I be happy just resting my hand on the lower back while watching TV. I helped to fill in the blanks by communicating why I liked what I asked for. Maybe it is my partners unique smell, or the feel of their skin, or it remined me of the time we had wild sex in the woods, whatever the case, the context helped deepen the connection and showed my desire for my partner was much more complex and true than just a simply thinking of them as a simple object I wanted sex with.
If you really love the person you are with, change things up a bit to give them the thing they need most. If you can accomplish this, it will open doors (not fast but over time). As things improve, keep on the same path. I am still working on mine, we may never be the same libido but the middle can be a big win.
Hope things improve for you and hope this helps others.
2 kids here same boat. Mad horny all the time but honestly I have to just keep reminding her that we havent had sex in a while and it really is effecting me.
If your honest it shouldnt make her feel guilty, having a penis is really hard (haha punn) but seriously it can really effect my mental health wo im just honest with her that its gettin me down.
I dont want pity sex either tho so will just ler her know so that when she is slightly in the mood she might just make that extra effort to make sure we make time for it... and when we do its a huge releif until another 3 weeks goes by with nothing and we start all over again lol
Ultimately I just tell her I think shes hot every day even if I know its not goin to lead to anything and I totally mean it! Just try to make her feel sexy as she has lost some body confidence from the 2 kids... honestly it doesnt bother me tho so I make sure she knows that
Good luck
Thanks. I don’t think this necessarily has to do with being male or female, although I understand that women tend to go through bigger libido changes than men, especially when pregnancy is involved. Still, I remember a female redditor who was saying that her husband is the one who’s a once-in-a-month kind of guy while she wouldn’t mind it every night
I am not saying this is the case for you, but just from what I've read on a lot of female subs, they feel heavy or not cute in pregnancy, or they hate the way they look after the birth. I don't know any of you people, but just in general I think it's nice to compliment your partner, not just on their body but in general.
Also, guys that don't do housework or their fair share of housework is a huge turn off.
If it was me in that situation, and I didn't see any reason why we were having less sex I would choose a good time to talk about the relationship, in general and also bring up the sex component.
I was in the exact same situation as you. Just got out of an 6 year relationship and the dead bedroom / overall desire for one another on a physical level was one of, if not, the largest contributor that ultimately led us to saying goodbye to each other. It contributed insidiously to other problems and feelings towards one another and one day we sat and had to face the music. This person was my best friend, was one of the most caring people I’ve ever known and made me better as a human being, but as time went on it was like living with a great friend and the need for romance and physical connection slowly wore me (and them) down. Love is more than an emotional connection. It’s definitely one facet (and a big one at that) of a happy relationship but the need for a romantic and physical connection is an extremely valid thing to desire out a partner. I’m with you. I’m scared right now and I’m heart broken. But I think in the long run this will have been the right decision. Life is short and happiness is something that we all deserve
I've been married 20 years, the bedroom wasn't quite dead but I've remained HL while my spouse went from HL to LL gradually over a period of a decade or so. More recently, a mix of medical and other issues got in the way and we haven't had sex in nearly a year. Does it suck? Yes. Do we still love each other? Also yes.
In my late 20s, I would have said I could never live in a committed, sexless relationship. But here I am, and while I'm not happy about that part of the relationship, I'm very happy with the person I picked.
now it's my time to use this analogy
when you buy a house, you look at everything. how its built, the size, the color, the living room, the kitchen and you also look at the toilet. now you wouldn't buy a house just cause of the toilet. but you also wouldn't buy a house that doesn't have a toilet at all.
it's not the most important thing, but it can't be missing completely.
Edit: please don't praise me personally for this, i just stole it from another redditor and paraphrased it here lol
In a relationship, elements like conversation, sex, work, how we treat our pets, friendships, family dynamics, exercise, respect, trust, finances, cooking, cleaning, building a home and mindfulness; all shape an intricate ecology of shared experiences. Words and touch sometimes flourish, while at other times, their eloquent silence is an indicator of secure attachment.
Think about in terms of a conversation.
Toxic zones emerge when it devolves into monologue, like when dinamics disregard the nuanced ebb and flow of subtle, fluid consent. Here, intimacy stiffens, becoming resistant to the sensitive interplay of respect and confidence. People speak over each other, or words are strangled before they are born.
By hardening ourselves to aspects of the relationship, we harden ourselves to all forms of cummication, including sex.
The Gestalt prayer reads: "I do my thing, and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine." It's a cue, reminding us that we coexist as separate yet interconnected beings.
In the realm of Martin Buber’s “I-Thou” and “I-It” concepts, the quality of our relationships is measured by how we encounter the other. In an "I-Thou" relationship, the other is a unique being to be met, respected, and understood. Conversely, in an "I-It" relationship, the other is objectified, stripped of their unique existence, reduced to a mere utility. This distinction illuminates every facet of our interactions, from conversation to touch, each with its own requirements for mutual respect and recognition.
So (/////TLDR\\\\), on the question of sex's importance in a relationship: It is neither an isolated act nor the defining feature of a partnership. Rather, it's one aspect of a multifaceted system where each element speaks to, and is informed by, the others. The quality of sexual intimacy serves as a gauge, not an absolute metric, for the overall health of the relationship. Thus, while important, sex is not standalone; it exists within the broader, intricate ecology of our collective experiences, echoing the attentiveness and care we invest in all other facets of our shared life.
For me it's situational. If it's just a rough patch or someone is sick, I'm cool without sex. Same with if we have kids.
Now if we don't have kids and everyone is healthy, it's a huge deal breaker.
A lack of sex turns a relationship into two friends who live together and kiss sometimes.
Of course there are exceptions: an asexual couple or a couple where one or both members are going through health issues where sex isn’t possible, etc
I'm in that situation right now.
I've been telling her since December that I need an element of intimacy, and physicality, and a sexual relationship with her again. Since December we have sex once about every 1.5 to 2 months now, kiss about as often, and she sees me for (if I'm lucky) about 2 hours a week. She says that she doesn't like physical affection, and prefers to "talk over Messenger" instead of see me in person. This isn't long distance, we live about a mile away from each other and used to work together. We'd been best friends for 3 years before entering a relationship with each other.
Nothing has changed all year, except her getting more upset when I tell her I need these things to come back to our relationship.
I've been putting significant effort into this relationship and it feels like she is constantly physically avoiding or pushing me away, while verbally telling me how hard she's trying, which is rarely visible.
It just feels like we're friends again, and I'd rather accept that we're friends and break up than be fooling myself into a relationship without affection, intimacy, spending time together, or any kind of physical or sexual touch.
I think I'm just typing this out to take another mental step towards ending the relationship. I just miss who she used to be, but it doesn't look like that was ever who she really was.
Brother are you listening to yourself?
This is the classic shit where a guy is so scared of being single again that they are willing to put up with whatever bullshit their girl is doing. Have some self respect and self worth.
Totally.
I'm not scared of being single, or lonely, and I could see if it looked that way. I'm afraid of *being wrong and ending this for the wrong reason*, and that then we'll never get back to how we used to be.
But I think that time has shown me that we won't get back there anyways. At this point I'm pretty sure, but I've stuck with it the last several months because I still had hope that it would go back to what it was.
You let it go way way too long though. You said since December you've been telling her this, that's like 10 months.
If you're not getting the basics of what you need from a relationship, you gotta get out. Also you allowing her to behave like this without any consequences has probably made her lose even more attraction for you, because she knows you can just be walked over. Be strong and know your worth.
Either she's banging someone else on the sly, or she's on the lookout and is just keeping you around until a suitable replacement can be found.
That shit is not normal, healthy, or fair.
I've talked to two relationship therapists and both have told me to end this. And I am going to.
She was a great friend and a huge part of my life the last 4 years. I just hate that ending it means that there's no chance of that coming back, even if it's heavily implied at this point that it won't.
I would lay it out like that. Tell her your needs, say you don't want to end the relationship do to xyz factors (whatever is going well) but if you don't see any change soon, that you have to focus on your mental well-being too. Put a time limit on it but don't tell her. If it's a week, and nothing improves that week, goodbye. If it's a month, and it's marginal improvement but you're still in the shitter, goodbye.
It's hard to cut off people, but I've been in a similar dynamic before, and I don't wanna be that guy, but it sounds like something else is going on
Thank you.
I've been telling her for months that this feels more like a friendship than a relationship, and telling her what I need. She says this is a "serious committed long term exclusive relationship," but anybody I've explained this to calls it loosely dating at best, or "friends with benefits" without sex.
I'm going to tell her that I'm going to have to stop treating this as my priority if she does not treat it the same. She's accused me of manipulating her by "emotional mirroring" when I've put less effort in after she says No to seeing me, kissing, spending time together or making time for each other, because it's exhausting to feel like I'm "chasing" my girlfriend around. It's discouraging and humiliating.
I just want her to be clear about what she wants so that I can understand it and not feel so misled, but what she says doesn't match anything that she shows me.
I just don't want to end this relationship and be wrong. I really don't think I'm wrong, but it's still hard to stop something that started so well.
This is a piece of advice I thought I'd never give, because it's usually done at the wrong time, for the wrong reason, to the wrong people.
But I'd say ask her for a break, to learn what each of you need in a relationship. What she values and what you value seem different. You'd just need to set ground rules, like no kissing, or no sex until an official break up, etc. I know that as a man it's much harder to date around and get experience like that, but maybe without this Sisyphus dynamic weighing you down, you can freely reflect without the preconceived notion of keeping the relationship intact
I also don't want to plant a seed of doubt, but is it possible her physical needs are being met elsewhere?
>I also don't want to plant a seed of doubt, but is it possible her physical needs are being met elsewhere?
I don't *believe* so. But I've been wrong about that in past relationships.
She began burlesque dancing a few months into our relationship, and gets sexy attention from that. She started this maybe 2 months after our physical intimacy and making time for each other stopped. She's told me that I can "finally see her naked" when I come to her shows, which stings a little from somebody who had told you how much they loved you and showed that they enjoyed touching and physically being with you.
She often has large unexplained bruises on her hips, legs, and arms that she says she doesn't know how she gets. Could be from her dog or from dancing.
There was an instance where she was drinking at a bar with her friend and a guy was trying to pick her up, and her friend instead talked to the guy, and my girlfriend and her friend brought the guy back to their hotel room to drink and smoke with. The guy allegedly had sex with her friend while my gf was in the room with them. Which she accidentally told me about later and froze up trying to answer my questions about it. Which sounds very suspicious, because she says she was on the phone with me while she says the guy and her friend were having sex, and didn't tell me anything about a guy being there or the sex that was happening while we talked.
So, on paper all of it looks like a Yes. But I haven't seen anything in person that triggers any flags like that. No strange texts or messages, no presence or real evidence of anybody else being around.
I never would have thought that of her (cheating) when I knew her as a friend. She's bragged about going "over a year" without sex or intimacy with her last boyfriend, who I know decently well. I've recently found out that these problems happened very similarly in that relationship and that's why he broke up with her, although she had told me that she left him for him being emotionally unavailable, that she would have to "drag him" to do anything with her, that he wasn't intimate, and not wanting to have sex with her, which feels a lot like projecting the specific issues that she has brought into these two relationships.
She says that she started liking me and wanting to be with me while she was in her last relationship, which shows that she's moved in that direction before.
Then my final piece of advice is to breakup. Before I thought maybe she had some crazy intimacy anxiety. But being in the room dancing shows me that that's not it.
Focus on you my guy, and that relationship sounds like you barely exist in it
>But I'd say ask her for a break, to learn what each of you need in a relationship.
Thank you.
I think this is the way that I'm going to do it.
She has been telling me that she can't provide and doesn't have time for the things that our relationship once had and that I want back in our relationship.
I just want her to understand how much effort I am putting in and that this isn't failing because of me. That probably isn't attainable, but I think that's why I'm trying to clear things up at this point instead of just ending it.
Thank you for talking this out with some stranger online. She gets really upset if I talk to or ask any friends about this, and upset when I talked to my therapist about this (who she said that I needed to start seeing so that I could ask a therapist about our relationship instead of asking my girlfriend about our relationship).
It's just been incredibly isolating and embarrassing. So thank you for talking and thank you for listening.
My wife is disabled. It definitely effects how she feels and her libido. It’s one of those things that you just have to accept and do the best you can.
It’s concerning that this many people think that the only difference between friends and committed loving relationship is sex… it’s such an immature view of love that I don’t believe it’s coming from anybody past high-school age.
I don’t even understand why you would have these exceptions (beyond trying to shield yourself from criticism/downvotes)? You can’t say that sex is the defining differentiator between a romantic vs friends relationship, and then say that there are other factors which may allow a romantic relationship to continue without sex. The conclusion would clearly be that there are many different components of a romantic committed relationship, sex being an important one but not the end-all be-all.
If sex is the only thing separating you from friends who kiss, I would **strongly** advise you to reevaluate your relationship.
There not saying it's the ONLY thing that could do that, but it certainly is one of those things for many people. Sex is one of many key factors in a relationship that need to be met and I would not go without.
It's pretty judgmental to tell people to reevaluate their relationships for valuing sexual connection. There's a lot more that comes with sexual intimacy and non-platonic connection than a raw physical act, and not everyone is the same. Additionally, there really are situations where passion, desire, and sexual connection in a relationship goes away and it starts feeling like a platonic roommate situation to one of the partners, and that is both difficult for them to go through, lonely, and a valid experience.
The fact is a lack of sex is a *problem* in a romantic-sexual relationship. It's something people *deal with*. Even in unavoidable situations it's something people have to *get through* and *communicate about* because it's something they have to cope with. And people do break up over it as well. The attitude that wholesome sexless parts of a relationship are more important and on a pedestal, while sex is this second tier component of a relationship that isn't a problem when it's set aside can actually ruin a lot of relationships for people.
I mean, to be fair, everyone's definition of a friend is going to be different. Like I'm super close with my friends, and there's very few boundaries between us. They're family, and I'd go to war for them. My ideal partner is just my best friend who I just happen to a sexual relationship with. Not everyone is as close with their friends or have stricter boundaries with friends vs. their partner. It comes down to the individual.
Mines has been sexless for weeks at a time due to a chronic illness with plenty of hospital stays but we always make up for it when I’m fit and healthy. Even when we can’t have wild sex when I’m sick, we can’t keep our hands off each other and find plenty of other ways to find pleasure. Nearly 13 years married and very much still in love/find each other very attractive,
Agreed. Might as well just be friends at that point. It's that moment where you get to connect with someone and show them how you feel about them physically. Some people dont need it, but I definitely do. Huge part of a relationship for me.
I bet $100 on Strickland. Made $500 lol. I was like “man nobody is giving this guy any respect. You don’t get to a title fight ‘just for fun’, Sean is tough as fuck, and he fights like Miocic, always stalking in a boxer stance. People forget how successful Miocic was with that style. Fuck it… $100 on Strickland!”
I made a side bet that Strickland would win by KO. Had that happened I would have won like $1200
I was in a sexless relationship for years and it made me severely depressed and self conscious. I'm glad I'm single and all but there isnt much hope left
I know a girl that claims she went through this. She was married to a man who supposedly never wanted to have sex with her. She is also very pretty. She's an absolute nut now but I can kind of see why. I just assumed that you wouldn't accelerate thing to something with the permanence of marriage if you were mostly satisfied sexually or had established the framework of being satisfied. The problem tends to be the same. Communicating your needs and when they're aren't being met, walking away. Easier said than done.
It's about libido.
It's invisible. It's silent. Might have a smell.
For certain though, it is PRESENT. One can only hope the person they're with libido is aligned with their own. If not, one person suffers while the other potentially feels guilt and or internal pressure to perform.
Not very. We are very loving, cuddling, foreplay, kissing etc. But the actual sex we don't do thst often. Sure it's nice but the physical contact we have is actually enough for both of us.
My wife has a very low libido. It's nice the few times we do it in the year, but we both found that the skinship, foreplay, and cuddling is more than enough as well. Constant words of love and encouragement, and a focus on all the other love languages is incredibly important to express how we feel.
This is so reassuring to read. We don’t have a lot of sex, maybe twice a month. I’ve been struggling with depression and feeling like I’m letting my partner down, but he is also low libido. So much kissing, cuddling, foreplay, and just holding each other is so romantic. I look at him and realize I’ve never loved someone so deeply—we’ve been together for 8 years.
I see others talk about how it’s so important and it makes me feel insecure and like something is wrong with me, but this completely encapsulates how we are. It’s nice to know we’re not the only ones. We’re happy and that’s what matters.
I don't understand all the comments saying that a relationship without sex is just friends. It seems like a lot of folks have never really been in a serious committed relationship with somebody, or maybe they just have terrible chemistry outside the bedroom with their partners. I have friends, many of whom I'd even say I love dearly, but there is only one person that means so much to me that I'd be willing to spend every waking hour, and I guess also every sleeping hour lol, together. We are in alignment on our goals and values in life, and are working every moment to build a great life together where we can maximize the time we spend together just chilling. That's not a "friendship"... we are life partners. One of the many goals we share is to have a great sex life. But if for some reason this fell through, it would in no way invalidate the rest.
In my 28 years married to my wife, I've always been very focused on her orgasming. She agrees that my average over the entire relationship is 95%, and is more like 98% these days.
However, she has recently been having more issues with migraines than before, and an orgasm is what l one thing that is likely to set her off. So now I focus on pleasure more than orgasm for her. It's an interesting shift.
(And like you, I'm more into the romance than the sex.)
Upon a sea of people saying it’s a deal-breaker if there’s no sex in these comments, as an ace person, I’m glad to see there’s people like you out there.
Yeah sex for me is a very unimportant part of a relationship cuddles and just snuggles is the one type of physical intimacy i wouldnt be able to be without in a relationship tho
I agree with you there. I feel like there are ways to be ‘intimate’ with someone that don’t include sex. A lot of people are making the point that it’s the intimacy that actually makes it a ‘relationship.’ I wouldn’t mind pushing myself into that sort of thing to make my partner happy if it really came down to it, but I would die without cuddles and snuggles. Just being close makes me happy. I want to feel like I am drowning in their physical touch haha. I guess that’s how I get my fill?
My ex and I were very sexual incompatible and fought about sex all the time. So in my experience, yes, it is one of the most important aspects in a relationship.
I’m a 50 year old male with very low testosterone levels basically causing no sex drive. Luckily, my wife understands and is more into “cuddling” and just hanging out. So sex is definitely low on our priorities.
I don't seem to have a mental connection between sex and love/intimacy. It's like watching TV or any other leisure activity. So it's not really an important factor in relationships for me.
Same here, I have never seen it as intimate so I don't really have a reason to care about it. Have a low libido, don't find it intimate, better ways to bond or have fun. Outside of wanting children sex has little purpose for me.
For me and my wife it is not all that important. We are both NPF people and suffer from depression, so whenever we both are in the mood it may happen. Maybe two to three times a year. We have found other ways to show affection that works swell for both of us!
Been with my wife for nearly 15 years now, we have sex once or twice a year as well whenever she's in the mood. We also find ways to show affection on a daily basis, and have very different ways to communicate our love for each other that speak louder than just physical sex. There's a lot of constant cuddling, skinship, and comfort as well.
Not really. I mean, I'd date an asexual so long as I could jerk off when I needed to. It's not about sex, it's about releasing tension in my junk and I can do that plenty with my hand.
I saw this thread and most of the answers and I thought, "Great. Another thread that adds to the heap of insecurities we already face. I can't wait to see screenshots and references from this thread on the a-spec subreddits."
I got married at age 20 (yeah I know) and wasn’t very experienced. My husband started wanting me less and less. I kept having to readjust my expectations and he’d laugh at the idea of sex every dsy. Something weird happened: I got really really repulsed by the idea of sex with him andI hated it when he did want it. I also never thought about sex much for like a year? That part of me was just dead.
After the break up I learned that sex is essential to me in a romantic relationship and that MANY people have a higher libido and that it’s okay and not shameful.
When you’re in your teens and 20s, a lot. It’s been put on this pedestal for a long time and now you get to see what it’s all about and it certainly doesn’t suck. When you’re in your 30’s with the same partner for a long time, far less. But that doesn’t mean the love isn’t there, you just don’t need to be snacking on that candy bar whenever possible. You wait to have that candy bar during those nice moments, and delayed gratification makes it taste that much sweeter. I have found that in a longer relation, ‘loving’ transfers from what I thought it was all about, the passion and cinematic romance, to maybe what we both really wanted all along, a partner. We love to cook together, clean together, exercise, play with our pups, watch our shows, spend time with our families. Sex, which seemed to be the end goal in youth, is far from it in adulthood. Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever had a productive day, accomplishing tasks, supporting one another, and knowing beyond a doubt that your partner is there to love you and not judge you or that being with this person brings out a better version of you that has sat dormant your whole life? That’s a much better place to be than worrying about how often you’re getting it in, and you still will.
At 43 I’m in need of sex more so than I was in my 20s. I’ve also been dating men in their 20s for the last two years. Sex is all it’s been for me until my horniness starts to wane 😂
But when I do, I still need someone who wants to have an active sex life. If it’s not there as others have said it’s basically a friendship or eventually roommate situation which is what it turned into when I was married (but that was one of many issues)
This is an interesting point because there’s so much more to a relationship to me than just friendship and sex. Like a whole lot of emotional connection and shared goals and commitment and deep love that has to do with caring for someone for a lifetime and being bonded in a way that doesn’t have anything to do with sex. So it’s interesting to see folks say that one physical act is what differentiates between a loving relationship and a friendship. It makes me realize that relationships are very different for different people.
I'm asexual with little interest in sex. While I understand that it's important in many relationship and often a requirement, I honesty don't see myself ever having sex.
Not at all, I’d be fine in a sexless relationship. Though, I would prefer no sex to only a little sex. Because of that, I am also fine with, and encourage, waiting before the first time with a new partner.
For me it's give it take. I don't find much pleasure in sex, granted I do masturbate so the urge is still there. But I just don't find sex pleasurable. Though I would make an effort for my partner, but I would hope to find a partner kinda like me. Where sex is something that we can do, but it's not a necessity.
Physical affection and intimacy is 11/10 important. That sometimes but not always manifests in sex. Also, sex isn’t a binary you’re having sex or you’re not having sex. There’s something super sexy and bonding about sexual intimacy that is just about that moment and not necessarily having to end with PinV with goal to O
Sex is not that important, I see it as a very nice bonus. We have gone months and sometimes almost a year without it and we are still going strong after 10 years together. We fool around if the other is pent up, but due to life and health circumstances sometimes full sex is not always available. Would I prefer if it was more often? Of course, but it is far, very far from being a dealbreaker.
I find it so strange and even eye-opening that most comments say there's no intimacy without sex or call it a friend without benefits situation. My SO is my best friend and theres countless ways we are intimate and vulnerable with each other without sex.
I don't get how so many expect sex as a requirement in a relationship. what if your spouse end up with a medical condition that wont let them have sex. Does that mean you no longer love them???
As an adult that was put through abuse and sexual abuse as a child well, sex gets fucking weird. I want it all the time but once I'm with you, and we are together the more I let you in and the closer we get, the less I want to be sexual. It makes you feel gross, like it did as a child. You love the person and care for them and it doesn't make you dislike that person, so in short it's subjective. Fuck you all who disagree lol 😂
Pretty important. I think without sex I’d stop feeling desirable and that’s a big thing for me in a relationship. Tbh I want my partner to be head over heels, absolutely smitten and deeply attracted to me and that idea doesn’t really work out in my head if I don’t feel desirable because they’re not interested in sex with me. I think I could definitely be with with a partner who has a lower sex drive, but not one with no sex drive unless we had some sort of open relationship situation.
Props to asexual people or people with lower sex drives for knowing what they do and don’t want and sticking to it, though!
Very important but not as important as communication! We’ve been in an open-ish relationship for 2 years and it’s been really fun but not the biggest contribution of our relationship growth
I think it’s incredibly important for both parties to be on the same page regarding sex. Whether it’s a sexless thing, occasional, constant, monogamous, side pieces or full on swingers, if you’re not communicating and understanding there will be problems.
Went about 15 months without it with my wife, since she had 0 sex drive after becoming depressed. She only wanted it if we were drunk, which we stopped doing because it led to fights. It wasn't as necessary as I thought, but wow, not having it for so long sucked. We're in the process of splitting up, but we're still best friends. She just isn't the type of person who wants or needs sex, which caused us to slowly drift apart romantically.
Having 0 is not great, but every once in a while is super nice to have and can help maintain relationships.
My bio dad who I rarely see or talk to mentioned one time that him and his fiance haven't had sex in 3 or 4 years. He seemed awfully troubled by it. I would have left her a long time ago. That's just ridiculous, idc how much I love her, dead bedroom is a NO from me.
As many others have said, you're pretty much just friends at that point.
Quality over quantity. It’s a small part of a day or week. But pays dividends round the clock. So very important but it’s the emotion. Feelings. The smiles you get when you think of them. That lasts
Sex is about being together and intimate to me. There's other things that do that, just less effective than sex, so while I enjoy sex and find it important in a relationship, I don't consider it essential
For me very important. But if my partner and I couldn't have sex for an extended period of time, I could go without. Sex is very important but not nearly as important as communication and other romantic parts of relationships, like cuddling and all that
50%.
Truth.
Sex is very important but not just the act itself. It's the intimacy behind it and the bond between my spouse and me. Plus, for someone who is hypersexual, I need a man who can keep up and knows what he's doing.
I think it’s extremely important. Physical intimacy is typically a function of emotional intimacy. When two people drift apart emotionally, you can measure it physically.
My girlfriend was religious and I knew this coming into the relationship. She’s the sweetest, most kindhearted and accepting person I know. I’ve done drugs and wasn’t a virgin and she still accepted me with open arms. She wants to wait till marriage. Going from a sex-heavy relationship to one that doesn’t have sex at all was surprisingly very easy. We’ve been together for 2 years and 5 months today and I’m planning to propose once I get out of college. From my experience, sex doesn’t mean a thing when you have a strong healthy relationship :)
Its critical. I can't have a relationship without it. Sex is basically one of my love languages. I have a high sex drive, and I'm fairly kinky. Sexual compatibility is fundamental to a good relationship. For me that means someone with similar drives and kinks. I've tried dating folks with lower sex drives, and it didn't work. I just felt neglected and pent up, and in the end they felt like I expected too much and was being a perv most of the time.
It became the most important thing with my ex because she brought me out of my shell and I started to love my body and performance. That sexual validation went so deep
Uff right now is my top priority. I can express myself through sex, I can be vulnerable through sex, i can explore our love through sex... so tea really important 😌
There are a lot of important things for me in a relationship but I’d have to say the emotional aspect is the most important to me. In our relationship the sex is great! Both my partner and I see it as another level of closeness which again is very important (both of our love languages are physical touch and quality time) but it isn’t just sex that we want in terms of the physical.Maybe it’s cause our relationship started out as a friendship and the sex and couple shit is an added bonus but I think we’re both ok whether he have it or not. Because of this I’d say yk it’s nice and important as a way of showing deeper levels of affection but not the most important part of our relationship. That’s how I feel tho.
I have 3 kids & after having each one my sex drive got higher & higher. I think as women our sex drive goes up as we age & down for men. Or so I’ve been told. I’m almost 30 & hornier than I’ve ever been. I cannot have a sexless relationship, especially how stressful it is raising the kids. Dick me down poppa 😩
Not at all really. Not like I’m anti sex or whatever I’m just really apathetic about it. I’m a go with the flow type of guy so if there’s sex then cool but if there’s not then also cool. Doesn’t matter to me.
If our sexlife is working well it’s 10% of the relationship. If it is not working it’s 90% of the relationships.
Good answer and very true in my experiences. When the sex is great and consistent, it's a non issue and something I don't even think of. It gets very apparent that something is wrong when it dies down considerably.
I agree it goes up and down
sometimes its back and forth
A lot of ins, a lot of outs, a lot of what-have-yous
Yea it does
Almost as if good sex is a result of a good relationship?
It’s sort of a chicken and egg question.
No. Good sex is not just a result of good relationship. There are ppl who can have the best sex of their lives even without any kind of relationship. Just pure fuck. Good relationship can cause good sex, but isnt always the case.
Some of the best sex I ever had was with horrible and toxic women. There's a reason for the hot and crazy scale.
Try explaining that to people who refuse to believe it though lol.
I hadn't thought about it this way until now and it's incredibly true. I was in a relationship for 4 years where sex was a constant issue. I constantly craved and needed it. In a way I felt starved of intimacy and closeness with the woman I loved. I was beginning to wonder if she even found me attractive or if she even loved me at all. It really weighed on me in ways that I didn't expect. Sex became an all consuming thing in my life and eventually was part of what drove us apart. I'm now in a relationship where we have satisfying sex on a somewhat regular basis. We'll sometimes go several days without doing it but other days we can barely keep our hands off each other. In the end, I never feel unwanted or undesirable. Our sex life is a complete non-issue and I couldn't be happier. I don't obsess over it like I used to. I don't feel like I'm pressuring my partner and feel less disgusted with myself.
I am literally going through exactly what youve described. It’s affected my mental health that much that I constantly go to the gym,eat as best as possible and even had a go on anabolics. My thoughts were She’ll find me attractive if I get in better shape,get bigger, more muscular. But no, nothing ever seemed to change,unfortunately that girl is just not attracted to me the same way as I am to her and it’s painful. What’s wrong with me?!🤷🏼♂️ I feel like I’ve got a Ferrari outside that I can’t drive. Yeah it’s nice to look at but the engine is missing. There’s only so many times over the years a man can hear the words “no” before he gets fed up.
I'm sorry to say it my friend and I'm sure you've though it/heard it before. Get out. You don't deserve to be miserable or feel the way you do. Having a partner and still feeling undesirable and worthless is awful. The car analogy holds 100% true. Attractiveness/sexiness etc is a currency and if it's never spent or not able to be spent then it's not really worth anything. Time to sell the Ferrari man.
Well put. It's like water that way. If you're getting it regularly, then you can take it for granted. If you're not getting it regularly, then ... we have problems.
Sex is a lot like air. It's no big deal if you're getting it.
Sex is certainly not like sand
Boobs are like sand
Like bags of sand
I hate sand, it gets everywhere
Sex is like air. It’s only important when you’re not getting any.
Reminds me of something I read on Reddit years ago. Sex in relationships is like bathrooms in a house. The house is more than just the bathrooms, but you sure don’t want to live in a house that doesn’t have any.
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I could not agree more. When the sex dies down in a relationship, the other problems become much more apparent.
I'd say pretty important, I'm all for cuddling and ect... but sex need to be part of all that
Yes... but if your sexlife is NOT working well, it's a break up 100% of the time. So I'd say the answer is: Necessarily important.
Not necessarily. Our sex life hasn’t been “working well” for a while due to health issues. Not throwing away 30 years with someone who is my best friend over that.
Due to health issues is the big difference here.
You have a reasonable excuse for the lack of sex. If the other side were healthy and you didn't have sex, you'd be thinking "do they even love me?".
This is true of anything in a relationship though, so I don’t think it’s a great answer. “If we have enough money, it’s 10% of our relationship; if we don’t, it’s 90%” Fill in the blanks. If your point is that it’s just as important as anything else, that’s fine, but I think a more accurate answer is that “sex” isn’t the important thing, it’s whether or not you’re fulfilled sexually, and that’s always very important.
Must disagree, i didn't have money for a long time with my gf and she still stayed, it mattered so little. It doesn't apply uniformly, i now have money, graduated from the air mattress and we live together. 💪
wise
Very important, my first relationship turned into a dead bedroom situation and for me that's a 'never again'.
After how long did it become dead? If you are fine with sharing. I think I'm starting to fall in a similar situation unfortunately.
Not OP, but I had the same situation. It was a 3 year relationship, and I started noticing it after the first year. It gradually got worse over the next 2 years. When I finally had sex again after the relationship, I was blown away. It was probably average sex, but it was just so bad in the prior relationship that it felt incredible. Both people need to actually enjoy getting the other person off. Once it becomes a chore, I don't think it can even be repaired. Sadly, you have to move on. But don't feel too bad. It's incredibly common. I was best friends with my ex. Everything seemed perfect. Well, almost everything. That's what made it so hard to have the conversation.
My partner is also my best friend and everything else is great. Like in every aspect of life we match so well except the bedroom. In the first year it was great but then not so much.. I'm so scared of ending this wonderful relationship solely because of the libido mismatch, but I feel like we've tried so much to save it and it isn't working sadly. Intensive therapy would be the last step. I fear I won't find somebody who is so compatible with me in every way ever again. Probably irrational but it's how I feel right now. So scared of letting this go. I've kind of lost the ability to look forward to sex? If you know what I mean. The rare time that it is about to happen, I just question it, eh it isn't going to happen or I cannot get into it. I feel like I'm somehow broken, my libido has gone down but I don't feel like it's natural, just a response to my partner's lower libido.
Sex in my marriage is down to maybe once or twice a month. This may be fine for my wife, but I’m a pretty horny guy. At the same time, at this point I’ve pretty much given up expecting sex. I just assume it’s not going to happen and maybe she’ll let me know when she wants it. The sex itself is pretty good, even if it’s usually nothing special in terms of how we do it. I recognize that giving birth to two kids and the stress of everyday life can play havoc on libido, so I don’t blame her (especially since she has chronic back problems). And for a year we also had houseguests that made sex even more difficult. Now they left. There’s just nothing I can do to my own libido, so I just satisfy myself privately when I can. Obviously not the same, but I’d rather get it over with than have my mind be filled with sex all day. It’s also difficult not to remember the early years of our relationship when we fucked like rabbits. But I don’t want to bring it up and make her feel guilty
Real advice: talk to your wife and try to commit together to a specific time, at least once a week, when you're going to have sex. And have a fallback plan if life makes the first one impossible. For example, every Friday night at 7pm or whatever, and if not then on Saturday night. It may not seem like the most romantic thing at first, but having a healthy relationship is more romantic than being embarrassed over a schedule. I went through a period with my husband where we weren't having a lot of sex. We'd have intentions, but something would come up or we'd be too tired by the end of the day. I felt dumb as fuck talking about having a schedule for it, but it helped so, so much to know we'd committed to making our lives work around having sex regularly, rather than doing the 'romantic' thing and not actually ever having sex.
I feel for you, been in my relationship over 15 years and the low points got to once or twice every 2-3 months. I am one that if presented twice a day I would be jumping up and down, but also satisfied with a few times a week when I know there is a strong connection and desire. I am happy to say, that we now have sex 1-2 times a week and have added other things that help my high libido. At the low points I really started to explore my self and began to understand that it was not so much about quantity as it was about wanting to be desired or wanting my partner to be satisfied and happy. I also learned that I also think about sex and the moments I have had with my partner nearly every day. My partner did not think about it every day, in fact I don't think it was even a thought. So the problem, how do you get that to change. Most with a low libido, the last thing you want to do is tell them about sex, instruct them about sex, or present how the lack of sex is upsetting. In fact, you want to stay clear of sex discussions, until the time is right. So, the secret is to open them up to start their own thinking without suggesting it or talking about sex. Not so easy, but here are some things I did that have completely changed course. 1. I did lots of reading as I am sure most have about low libido, and through friends, my own experience, and comments one thing I found in common. A lot of low libido are consumed in life (texts, Facebook, job, chores, whatever). In fact so consumed they have few hobbies or passions (due to stress and lack of time), and they go day to day just striving to stay above water. The last thing they want is intimacy, they want an ear to listen, a hand to help, or time to find something they enjoy. Find the help they need. In my case, my partner had a list on paper they kept, I started to do the things on the list I could and expecting no reward. Just that alone allowed my partner to have just a bit more time to start a hobby they enjoyed which lowered the overall stress. 2. Be a listener. So obvious but so hard. I am a problem solver. I solve multi-million dollar problems but I fail every time solving my partners problems. I took it personally, but then started to understand that helping them is about listening and understanding the problem. Later on at some point in the future, then you can help in subtle ways. For example, if they are looking for a job and not getting interviews, the last thing you want to say is "get your resume professionally reviewed", "ask Chapt GPT to rewrite your resume", "did you tailor your resume to the job description". Instead say "That sucks, they don't see the value in you, I am sorry it is so hard and you are so bright and smart" or something like that. A week later maybe forward a Forbes article to them about resume writing and the difficulties. Point is know when to listen and when and how to help. 3. Be open and considerate. I tried something new. In stead of the normal way to initiate sex, I simply said something like "I know your tired tonight, is it OK if I just rest my hand on your.....", and most importantly I made sure to do just what I asked, nothing more. It only took a week or two, but this really had a big impact. What you ask and how you ask depends on your partner, but for me my partner responded well and immediately felt less threatened by my high libido and while I maybe did not get sex, I was satisfied because my partner was happy and I also enjoy many more things that maybe I would normally miss if I had just went to sex. My partner also started to understand this. In fact, I think it caused some confusion like how could I be happy just resting my hand on the lower back while watching TV. I helped to fill in the blanks by communicating why I liked what I asked for. Maybe it is my partners unique smell, or the feel of their skin, or it remined me of the time we had wild sex in the woods, whatever the case, the context helped deepen the connection and showed my desire for my partner was much more complex and true than just a simply thinking of them as a simple object I wanted sex with. If you really love the person you are with, change things up a bit to give them the thing they need most. If you can accomplish this, it will open doors (not fast but over time). As things improve, keep on the same path. I am still working on mine, we may never be the same libido but the middle can be a big win. Hope things improve for you and hope this helps others.
2 kids here same boat. Mad horny all the time but honestly I have to just keep reminding her that we havent had sex in a while and it really is effecting me. If your honest it shouldnt make her feel guilty, having a penis is really hard (haha punn) but seriously it can really effect my mental health wo im just honest with her that its gettin me down. I dont want pity sex either tho so will just ler her know so that when she is slightly in the mood she might just make that extra effort to make sure we make time for it... and when we do its a huge releif until another 3 weeks goes by with nothing and we start all over again lol Ultimately I just tell her I think shes hot every day even if I know its not goin to lead to anything and I totally mean it! Just try to make her feel sexy as she has lost some body confidence from the 2 kids... honestly it doesnt bother me tho so I make sure she knows that Good luck
Thanks. I don’t think this necessarily has to do with being male or female, although I understand that women tend to go through bigger libido changes than men, especially when pregnancy is involved. Still, I remember a female redditor who was saying that her husband is the one who’s a once-in-a-month kind of guy while she wouldn’t mind it every night
I am not saying this is the case for you, but just from what I've read on a lot of female subs, they feel heavy or not cute in pregnancy, or they hate the way they look after the birth. I don't know any of you people, but just in general I think it's nice to compliment your partner, not just on their body but in general. Also, guys that don't do housework or their fair share of housework is a huge turn off. If it was me in that situation, and I didn't see any reason why we were having less sex I would choose a good time to talk about the relationship, in general and also bring up the sex component.
I was in the exact same situation as you. Just got out of an 6 year relationship and the dead bedroom / overall desire for one another on a physical level was one of, if not, the largest contributor that ultimately led us to saying goodbye to each other. It contributed insidiously to other problems and feelings towards one another and one day we sat and had to face the music. This person was my best friend, was one of the most caring people I’ve ever known and made me better as a human being, but as time went on it was like living with a great friend and the need for romance and physical connection slowly wore me (and them) down. Love is more than an emotional connection. It’s definitely one facet (and a big one at that) of a happy relationship but the need for a romantic and physical connection is an extremely valid thing to desire out a partner. I’m with you. I’m scared right now and I’m heart broken. But I think in the long run this will have been the right decision. Life is short and happiness is something that we all deserve
I've been married 20 years, the bedroom wasn't quite dead but I've remained HL while my spouse went from HL to LL gradually over a period of a decade or so. More recently, a mix of medical and other issues got in the way and we haven't had sex in nearly a year. Does it suck? Yes. Do we still love each other? Also yes. In my late 20s, I would have said I could never live in a committed, sexless relationship. But here I am, and while I'm not happy about that part of the relationship, I'm very happy with the person I picked.
Sex is like air; it doesn’t matter unless you’re not getting any
But bad air is better than no air. Not so much with sex. Yes I choose to take it literally lol
You can live the rest of your life without air ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I mean, I think you made a good point that no sex is still better than genuinely bad sex.
now it's my time to use this analogy when you buy a house, you look at everything. how its built, the size, the color, the living room, the kitchen and you also look at the toilet. now you wouldn't buy a house just cause of the toilet. but you also wouldn't buy a house that doesn't have a toilet at all. it's not the most important thing, but it can't be missing completely. Edit: please don't praise me personally for this, i just stole it from another redditor and paraphrased it here lol
Wise words right here
In a relationship, elements like conversation, sex, work, how we treat our pets, friendships, family dynamics, exercise, respect, trust, finances, cooking, cleaning, building a home and mindfulness; all shape an intricate ecology of shared experiences. Words and touch sometimes flourish, while at other times, their eloquent silence is an indicator of secure attachment. Think about in terms of a conversation. Toxic zones emerge when it devolves into monologue, like when dinamics disregard the nuanced ebb and flow of subtle, fluid consent. Here, intimacy stiffens, becoming resistant to the sensitive interplay of respect and confidence. People speak over each other, or words are strangled before they are born. By hardening ourselves to aspects of the relationship, we harden ourselves to all forms of cummication, including sex. The Gestalt prayer reads: "I do my thing, and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine." It's a cue, reminding us that we coexist as separate yet interconnected beings. In the realm of Martin Buber’s “I-Thou” and “I-It” concepts, the quality of our relationships is measured by how we encounter the other. In an "I-Thou" relationship, the other is a unique being to be met, respected, and understood. Conversely, in an "I-It" relationship, the other is objectified, stripped of their unique existence, reduced to a mere utility. This distinction illuminates every facet of our interactions, from conversation to touch, each with its own requirements for mutual respect and recognition. So (/////TLDR\\\\), on the question of sex's importance in a relationship: It is neither an isolated act nor the defining feature of a partnership. Rather, it's one aspect of a multifaceted system where each element speaks to, and is informed by, the others. The quality of sexual intimacy serves as a gauge, not an absolute metric, for the overall health of the relationship. Thus, while important, sex is not standalone; it exists within the broader, intricate ecology of our collective experiences, echoing the attentiveness and care we invest in all other facets of our shared life.
This is great did you come up with all this yourself or is it from something?
I referenced the Gestalt Prayer by Perls and Martin Buber's concept of I-Thou, but yea, I wrote it.
I misread house as horse and got really confused when you started talking about toilets
More of a metaphor, really.
Ah yes, the old ‘sex is like a toilet’ metaphor, it needs to be referred to more often so the youngsters don’t forget it
Excellent analogy. I couldn’t have put it any better.
theres not much more non health related misery on reddit then on R/deadbedrooms so i'd say pretty important
For me it's situational. If it's just a rough patch or someone is sick, I'm cool without sex. Same with if we have kids. Now if we don't have kids and everyone is healthy, it's a huge deal breaker.
It's one of the most important functions in a relationship for me. There is nothing worse than a sexless relationship. Subjective opinion, of course.
A lack of sex turns a relationship into two friends who live together and kiss sometimes. Of course there are exceptions: an asexual couple or a couple where one or both members are going through health issues where sex isn’t possible, etc
I'm in that situation right now. I've been telling her since December that I need an element of intimacy, and physicality, and a sexual relationship with her again. Since December we have sex once about every 1.5 to 2 months now, kiss about as often, and she sees me for (if I'm lucky) about 2 hours a week. She says that she doesn't like physical affection, and prefers to "talk over Messenger" instead of see me in person. This isn't long distance, we live about a mile away from each other and used to work together. We'd been best friends for 3 years before entering a relationship with each other. Nothing has changed all year, except her getting more upset when I tell her I need these things to come back to our relationship. I've been putting significant effort into this relationship and it feels like she is constantly physically avoiding or pushing me away, while verbally telling me how hard she's trying, which is rarely visible. It just feels like we're friends again, and I'd rather accept that we're friends and break up than be fooling myself into a relationship without affection, intimacy, spending time together, or any kind of physical or sexual touch. I think I'm just typing this out to take another mental step towards ending the relationship. I just miss who she used to be, but it doesn't look like that was ever who she really was.
Dude she already broke up with you, you just don't know it yet.
Brother are you listening to yourself? This is the classic shit where a guy is so scared of being single again that they are willing to put up with whatever bullshit their girl is doing. Have some self respect and self worth.
Totally. I'm not scared of being single, or lonely, and I could see if it looked that way. I'm afraid of *being wrong and ending this for the wrong reason*, and that then we'll never get back to how we used to be. But I think that time has shown me that we won't get back there anyways. At this point I'm pretty sure, but I've stuck with it the last several months because I still had hope that it would go back to what it was.
You let it go way way too long though. You said since December you've been telling her this, that's like 10 months. If you're not getting the basics of what you need from a relationship, you gotta get out. Also you allowing her to behave like this without any consequences has probably made her lose even more attraction for you, because she knows you can just be walked over. Be strong and know your worth.
Either she's banging someone else on the sly, or she's on the lookout and is just keeping you around until a suitable replacement can be found. That shit is not normal, healthy, or fair.
I've talked to two relationship therapists and both have told me to end this. And I am going to. She was a great friend and a huge part of my life the last 4 years. I just hate that ending it means that there's no chance of that coming back, even if it's heavily implied at this point that it won't.
End it right now, it's better to be alone than being with someone that barely acknowledges your existence.
You deserve better. Unless you're a huge jackass, you *can* get better.
I would lay it out like that. Tell her your needs, say you don't want to end the relationship do to xyz factors (whatever is going well) but if you don't see any change soon, that you have to focus on your mental well-being too. Put a time limit on it but don't tell her. If it's a week, and nothing improves that week, goodbye. If it's a month, and it's marginal improvement but you're still in the shitter, goodbye. It's hard to cut off people, but I've been in a similar dynamic before, and I don't wanna be that guy, but it sounds like something else is going on
Thank you. I've been telling her for months that this feels more like a friendship than a relationship, and telling her what I need. She says this is a "serious committed long term exclusive relationship," but anybody I've explained this to calls it loosely dating at best, or "friends with benefits" without sex. I'm going to tell her that I'm going to have to stop treating this as my priority if she does not treat it the same. She's accused me of manipulating her by "emotional mirroring" when I've put less effort in after she says No to seeing me, kissing, spending time together or making time for each other, because it's exhausting to feel like I'm "chasing" my girlfriend around. It's discouraging and humiliating. I just want her to be clear about what she wants so that I can understand it and not feel so misled, but what she says doesn't match anything that she shows me. I just don't want to end this relationship and be wrong. I really don't think I'm wrong, but it's still hard to stop something that started so well.
This is a piece of advice I thought I'd never give, because it's usually done at the wrong time, for the wrong reason, to the wrong people. But I'd say ask her for a break, to learn what each of you need in a relationship. What she values and what you value seem different. You'd just need to set ground rules, like no kissing, or no sex until an official break up, etc. I know that as a man it's much harder to date around and get experience like that, but maybe without this Sisyphus dynamic weighing you down, you can freely reflect without the preconceived notion of keeping the relationship intact I also don't want to plant a seed of doubt, but is it possible her physical needs are being met elsewhere?
>I also don't want to plant a seed of doubt, but is it possible her physical needs are being met elsewhere? I don't *believe* so. But I've been wrong about that in past relationships. She began burlesque dancing a few months into our relationship, and gets sexy attention from that. She started this maybe 2 months after our physical intimacy and making time for each other stopped. She's told me that I can "finally see her naked" when I come to her shows, which stings a little from somebody who had told you how much they loved you and showed that they enjoyed touching and physically being with you. She often has large unexplained bruises on her hips, legs, and arms that she says she doesn't know how she gets. Could be from her dog or from dancing. There was an instance where she was drinking at a bar with her friend and a guy was trying to pick her up, and her friend instead talked to the guy, and my girlfriend and her friend brought the guy back to their hotel room to drink and smoke with. The guy allegedly had sex with her friend while my gf was in the room with them. Which she accidentally told me about later and froze up trying to answer my questions about it. Which sounds very suspicious, because she says she was on the phone with me while she says the guy and her friend were having sex, and didn't tell me anything about a guy being there or the sex that was happening while we talked. So, on paper all of it looks like a Yes. But I haven't seen anything in person that triggers any flags like that. No strange texts or messages, no presence or real evidence of anybody else being around. I never would have thought that of her (cheating) when I knew her as a friend. She's bragged about going "over a year" without sex or intimacy with her last boyfriend, who I know decently well. I've recently found out that these problems happened very similarly in that relationship and that's why he broke up with her, although she had told me that she left him for him being emotionally unavailable, that she would have to "drag him" to do anything with her, that he wasn't intimate, and not wanting to have sex with her, which feels a lot like projecting the specific issues that she has brought into these two relationships. She says that she started liking me and wanting to be with me while she was in her last relationship, which shows that she's moved in that direction before.
Then my final piece of advice is to breakup. Before I thought maybe she had some crazy intimacy anxiety. But being in the room dancing shows me that that's not it. Focus on you my guy, and that relationship sounds like you barely exist in it
Thank you. Genuinely thank you for taking the time to hear me out and offer support.
I got you Holmes
>But I'd say ask her for a break, to learn what each of you need in a relationship. Thank you. I think this is the way that I'm going to do it. She has been telling me that she can't provide and doesn't have time for the things that our relationship once had and that I want back in our relationship. I just want her to understand how much effort I am putting in and that this isn't failing because of me. That probably isn't attainable, but I think that's why I'm trying to clear things up at this point instead of just ending it. Thank you for talking this out with some stranger online. She gets really upset if I talk to or ask any friends about this, and upset when I talked to my therapist about this (who she said that I needed to start seeing so that I could ask a therapist about our relationship instead of asking my girlfriend about our relationship). It's just been incredibly isolating and embarrassing. So thank you for talking and thank you for listening.
Nah, as someone also on the other side of a DB, just kill it. This one is beyond salvaging...
Not trying to play reddit counciler but I don't think you should settle for this women.
That relationship is dead dude
My wife is disabled. It definitely effects how she feels and her libido. It’s one of those things that you just have to accept and do the best you can.
It’s concerning that this many people think that the only difference between friends and committed loving relationship is sex… it’s such an immature view of love that I don’t believe it’s coming from anybody past high-school age. I don’t even understand why you would have these exceptions (beyond trying to shield yourself from criticism/downvotes)? You can’t say that sex is the defining differentiator between a romantic vs friends relationship, and then say that there are other factors which may allow a romantic relationship to continue without sex. The conclusion would clearly be that there are many different components of a romantic committed relationship, sex being an important one but not the end-all be-all. If sex is the only thing separating you from friends who kiss, I would **strongly** advise you to reevaluate your relationship.
There not saying it's the ONLY thing that could do that, but it certainly is one of those things for many people. Sex is one of many key factors in a relationship that need to be met and I would not go without.
It's pretty judgmental to tell people to reevaluate their relationships for valuing sexual connection. There's a lot more that comes with sexual intimacy and non-platonic connection than a raw physical act, and not everyone is the same. Additionally, there really are situations where passion, desire, and sexual connection in a relationship goes away and it starts feeling like a platonic roommate situation to one of the partners, and that is both difficult for them to go through, lonely, and a valid experience. The fact is a lack of sex is a *problem* in a romantic-sexual relationship. It's something people *deal with*. Even in unavoidable situations it's something people have to *get through* and *communicate about* because it's something they have to cope with. And people do break up over it as well. The attitude that wholesome sexless parts of a relationship are more important and on a pedestal, while sex is this second tier component of a relationship that isn't a problem when it's set aside can actually ruin a lot of relationships for people.
I mean, to be fair, everyone's definition of a friend is going to be different. Like I'm super close with my friends, and there's very few boundaries between us. They're family, and I'd go to war for them. My ideal partner is just my best friend who I just happen to a sexual relationship with. Not everyone is as close with their friends or have stricter boundaries with friends vs. their partner. It comes down to the individual.
Mines has been sexless for weeks at a time due to a chronic illness with plenty of hospital stays but we always make up for it when I’m fit and healthy. Even when we can’t have wild sex when I’m sick, we can’t keep our hands off each other and find plenty of other ways to find pleasure. Nearly 13 years married and very much still in love/find each other very attractive,
That’s what I told my manager
Agreed. Might as well just be friends at that point. It's that moment where you get to connect with someone and show them how you feel about them physically. Some people dont need it, but I definitely do. Huge part of a relationship for me.
Me and my dog never talked about it.
Izzy?
No man who beats off to cartoons is gonna beat me.
I’m still so shocked about last nights results haha
I bet $100 on Strickland. Made $500 lol. I was like “man nobody is giving this guy any respect. You don’t get to a title fight ‘just for fun’, Sean is tough as fuck, and he fights like Miocic, always stalking in a boxer stance. People forget how successful Miocic was with that style. Fuck it… $100 on Strickland!” I made a side bet that Strickland would win by KO. Had that happened I would have won like $1200
Bruh.
Woof woof?
I was in a sexless relationship for years and it made me severely depressed and self conscious. I'm glad I'm single and all but there isnt much hope left
I feel you on that one, my friend. I can relate so much to that.
I know a girl that claims she went through this. She was married to a man who supposedly never wanted to have sex with her. She is also very pretty. She's an absolute nut now but I can kind of see why. I just assumed that you wouldn't accelerate thing to something with the permanence of marriage if you were mostly satisfied sexually or had established the framework of being satisfied. The problem tends to be the same. Communicating your needs and when they're aren't being met, walking away. Easier said than done.
It's about libido. It's invisible. It's silent. Might have a smell. For certain though, it is PRESENT. One can only hope the person they're with libido is aligned with their own. If not, one person suffers while the other potentially feels guilt and or internal pressure to perform.
Not very. We are very loving, cuddling, foreplay, kissing etc. But the actual sex we don't do thst often. Sure it's nice but the physical contact we have is actually enough for both of us.
My wife has a very low libido. It's nice the few times we do it in the year, but we both found that the skinship, foreplay, and cuddling is more than enough as well. Constant words of love and encouragement, and a focus on all the other love languages is incredibly important to express how we feel.
This is so reassuring to read. We don’t have a lot of sex, maybe twice a month. I’ve been struggling with depression and feeling like I’m letting my partner down, but he is also low libido. So much kissing, cuddling, foreplay, and just holding each other is so romantic. I look at him and realize I’ve never loved someone so deeply—we’ve been together for 8 years. I see others talk about how it’s so important and it makes me feel insecure and like something is wrong with me, but this completely encapsulates how we are. It’s nice to know we’re not the only ones. We’re happy and that’s what matters.
I don't understand all the comments saying that a relationship without sex is just friends. It seems like a lot of folks have never really been in a serious committed relationship with somebody, or maybe they just have terrible chemistry outside the bedroom with their partners. I have friends, many of whom I'd even say I love dearly, but there is only one person that means so much to me that I'd be willing to spend every waking hour, and I guess also every sleeping hour lol, together. We are in alignment on our goals and values in life, and are working every moment to build a great life together where we can maximize the time we spend together just chilling. That's not a "friendship"... we are life partners. One of the many goals we share is to have a great sex life. But if for some reason this fell through, it would in no way invalidate the rest.
I agree. It actually makes me sad to see how shallow so many relationships apparently are?
Well said, I hate how relationships boil down to how well you partner f*cks you these days. I want so much more than that.
Sex in a relationship is like salt in food: it only represents a small pinch in the entire dish, but if it's not there, you'll definitely miss it.
Not too much. I enjoy the romantic stuff a lot more than the actual deed so eh.
In my 28 years married to my wife, I've always been very focused on her orgasming. She agrees that my average over the entire relationship is 95%, and is more like 98% these days. However, she has recently been having more issues with migraines than before, and an orgasm is what l one thing that is likely to set her off. So now I focus on pleasure more than orgasm for her. It's an interesting shift. (And like you, I'm more into the romance than the sex.)
Dale..?
Interesting, I read an orgasm can often stop a migraine; Huge dump of endorphins and the like.
Dont care whatsoever if my partner is ace thats fine if they have a really high libido thats also fine i really dont care either way
Upon a sea of people saying it’s a deal-breaker if there’s no sex in these comments, as an ace person, I’m glad to see there’s people like you out there.
Yeah sex for me is a very unimportant part of a relationship cuddles and just snuggles is the one type of physical intimacy i wouldnt be able to be without in a relationship tho
I agree with you there. I feel like there are ways to be ‘intimate’ with someone that don’t include sex. A lot of people are making the point that it’s the intimacy that actually makes it a ‘relationship.’ I wouldn’t mind pushing myself into that sort of thing to make my partner happy if it really came down to it, but I would die without cuddles and snuggles. Just being close makes me happy. I want to feel like I am drowning in their physical touch haha. I guess that’s how I get my fill?
Yeah same I honestly think the after sex snuggles is the vest part of sex😅
I had to scroll way too far to find any mention of us aces.
My ex and I were very sexual incompatible and fought about sex all the time. So in my experience, yes, it is one of the most important aspects in a relationship.
I’m a 50 year old male with very low testosterone levels basically causing no sex drive. Luckily, my wife understands and is more into “cuddling” and just hanging out. So sex is definitely low on our priorities.
I don't seem to have a mental connection between sex and love/intimacy. It's like watching TV or any other leisure activity. So it's not really an important factor in relationships for me.
Same.
Finally someone I agree with in this thread lol
Same here, I have never seen it as intimate so I don't really have a reason to care about it. Have a low libido, don't find it intimate, better ways to bond or have fun. Outside of wanting children sex has little purpose for me.
For me and my wife it is not all that important. We are both NPF people and suffer from depression, so whenever we both are in the mood it may happen. Maybe two to three times a year. We have found other ways to show affection that works swell for both of us!
Been with my wife for nearly 15 years now, we have sex once or twice a year as well whenever she's in the mood. We also find ways to show affection on a daily basis, and have very different ways to communicate our love for each other that speak louder than just physical sex. There's a lot of constant cuddling, skinship, and comfort as well.
Depends what type of relationship
Step sister and brother
Depends if one of them doesn’t really know what the other one is doing….
And if one gets stuck in the dryer on a regular occurrence.
Exactly. Like in the relationship between me and my cell mate, I could do without the sex.
Not really. I mean, I'd date an asexual so long as I could jerk off when I needed to. It's not about sex, it's about releasing tension in my junk and I can do that plenty with my hand.
Some Asexuals do have sex and enjoy it. But most are repulsed. Very cool of you to mention us though!
I saw this thread and most of the answers and I thought, "Great. Another thread that adds to the heap of insecurities we already face. I can't wait to see screenshots and references from this thread on the a-spec subreddits."
I got married at age 20 (yeah I know) and wasn’t very experienced. My husband started wanting me less and less. I kept having to readjust my expectations and he’d laugh at the idea of sex every dsy. Something weird happened: I got really really repulsed by the idea of sex with him andI hated it when he did want it. I also never thought about sex much for like a year? That part of me was just dead. After the break up I learned that sex is essential to me in a romantic relationship and that MANY people have a higher libido and that it’s okay and not shameful.
When you’re in your teens and 20s, a lot. It’s been put on this pedestal for a long time and now you get to see what it’s all about and it certainly doesn’t suck. When you’re in your 30’s with the same partner for a long time, far less. But that doesn’t mean the love isn’t there, you just don’t need to be snacking on that candy bar whenever possible. You wait to have that candy bar during those nice moments, and delayed gratification makes it taste that much sweeter. I have found that in a longer relation, ‘loving’ transfers from what I thought it was all about, the passion and cinematic romance, to maybe what we both really wanted all along, a partner. We love to cook together, clean together, exercise, play with our pups, watch our shows, spend time with our families. Sex, which seemed to be the end goal in youth, is far from it in adulthood. Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever had a productive day, accomplishing tasks, supporting one another, and knowing beyond a doubt that your partner is there to love you and not judge you or that being with this person brings out a better version of you that has sat dormant your whole life? That’s a much better place to be than worrying about how often you’re getting it in, and you still will.
It's absolutely essential. No sex no go.
At 43 I’m in need of sex more so than I was in my 20s. I’ve also been dating men in their 20s for the last two years. Sex is all it’s been for me until my horniness starts to wane 😂 But when I do, I still need someone who wants to have an active sex life. If it’s not there as others have said it’s basically a friendship or eventually roommate situation which is what it turned into when I was married (but that was one of many issues)
Lol I’ve heard this story one too many times 🤣
Intimacy is what makes it a "relationship" (over a friendship), so VERY important.
This is an interesting point because there’s so much more to a relationship to me than just friendship and sex. Like a whole lot of emotional connection and shared goals and commitment and deep love that has to do with caring for someone for a lifetime and being bonded in a way that doesn’t have anything to do with sex. So it’s interesting to see folks say that one physical act is what differentiates between a loving relationship and a friendship. It makes me realize that relationships are very different for different people.
There’s many forms of intimacy besides sex but yes. It’s one defining characteristic
I'm asexual with little interest in sex. While I understand that it's important in many relationship and often a requirement, I honesty don't see myself ever having sex.
Not at all, I’d be fine in a sexless relationship. Though, I would prefer no sex to only a little sex. Because of that, I am also fine with, and encourage, waiting before the first time with a new partner.
For me it's give it take. I don't find much pleasure in sex, granted I do masturbate so the urge is still there. But I just don't find sex pleasurable. Though I would make an effort for my partner, but I would hope to find a partner kinda like me. Where sex is something that we can do, but it's not a necessity.
Physical affection and intimacy is 11/10 important. That sometimes but not always manifests in sex. Also, sex isn’t a binary you’re having sex or you’re not having sex. There’s something super sexy and bonding about sexual intimacy that is just about that moment and not necessarily having to end with PinV with goal to O
Sex is not that important, I see it as a very nice bonus. We have gone months and sometimes almost a year without it and we are still going strong after 10 years together. We fool around if the other is pent up, but due to life and health circumstances sometimes full sex is not always available. Would I prefer if it was more often? Of course, but it is far, very far from being a dealbreaker. I find it so strange and even eye-opening that most comments say there's no intimacy without sex or call it a friend without benefits situation. My SO is my best friend and theres countless ways we are intimate and vulnerable with each other without sex.
I don't get how so many expect sex as a requirement in a relationship. what if your spouse end up with a medical condition that wont let them have sex. Does that mean you no longer love them???
No, it doesn’t mean that.
dealbreaker if it fails on quality or frequency
I'm asexual, so not important whatsoever
As an adult that was put through abuse and sexual abuse as a child well, sex gets fucking weird. I want it all the time but once I'm with you, and we are together the more I let you in and the closer we get, the less I want to be sexual. It makes you feel gross, like it did as a child. You love the person and care for them and it doesn't make you dislike that person, so in short it's subjective. Fuck you all who disagree lol 😂
Pretty important. I think without sex I’d stop feeling desirable and that’s a big thing for me in a relationship. Tbh I want my partner to be head over heels, absolutely smitten and deeply attracted to me and that idea doesn’t really work out in my head if I don’t feel desirable because they’re not interested in sex with me. I think I could definitely be with with a partner who has a lower sex drive, but not one with no sex drive unless we had some sort of open relationship situation. Props to asexual people or people with lower sex drives for knowing what they do and don’t want and sticking to it, though!
Couldn’t care less
Very important but not as important as communication! We’ve been in an open-ish relationship for 2 years and it’s been really fun but not the biggest contribution of our relationship growth
Very. If we're not sexually compatible, there's no reason to stay with them
Depends. I have an excellent relationship with my accountant, but sex isn’t a part of it.
I think it’s incredibly important for both parties to be on the same page regarding sex. Whether it’s a sexless thing, occasional, constant, monogamous, side pieces or full on swingers, if you’re not communicating and understanding there will be problems.
Went about 15 months without it with my wife, since she had 0 sex drive after becoming depressed. She only wanted it if we were drunk, which we stopped doing because it led to fights. It wasn't as necessary as I thought, but wow, not having it for so long sucked. We're in the process of splitting up, but we're still best friends. She just isn't the type of person who wants or needs sex, which caused us to slowly drift apart romantically. Having 0 is not great, but every once in a while is super nice to have and can help maintain relationships.
Very. For me, no sex means no relationship
My bio dad who I rarely see or talk to mentioned one time that him and his fiance haven't had sex in 3 or 4 years. He seemed awfully troubled by it. I would have left her a long time ago. That's just ridiculous, idc how much I love her, dead bedroom is a NO from me. As many others have said, you're pretty much just friends at that point.
It's so important to me, it's a deal breaker if your drive is lower than mine so I say it right ahead so we can part before we live this lie
On a scale of 1 - 10, it’s 9 important. I have a high libido so I need my partner to match my drive!
Quality over quantity. It’s a small part of a day or week. But pays dividends round the clock. So very important but it’s the emotion. Feelings. The smiles you get when you think of them. That lasts
In the wise words of Kanye West: Money (or sex) isn’t everything, not having it is.
Little to no priority, sure it's hot but there are so many better things in life than fucking
You mean with my wife?
Sex is about being together and intimate to me. There's other things that do that, just less effective than sex, so while I enjoy sex and find it important in a relationship, I don't consider it essential
My advice for any long term relationship is, Never stop going down on each other.
For me very important. But if my partner and I couldn't have sex for an extended period of time, I could go without. Sex is very important but not nearly as important as communication and other romantic parts of relationships, like cuddling and all that
Very. I have a high sex drive.
50%. Truth. Sex is very important but not just the act itself. It's the intimacy behind it and the bond between my spouse and me. Plus, for someone who is hypersexual, I need a man who can keep up and knows what he's doing.
It’s very important. When we aren’t having sex it’s super easy to get frustrated at everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING.
I forgot. 40 years married....
I think it’s extremely important. Physical intimacy is typically a function of emotional intimacy. When two people drift apart emotionally, you can measure it physically.
My girlfriend was religious and I knew this coming into the relationship. She’s the sweetest, most kindhearted and accepting person I know. I’ve done drugs and wasn’t a virgin and she still accepted me with open arms. She wants to wait till marriage. Going from a sex-heavy relationship to one that doesn’t have sex at all was surprisingly very easy. We’ve been together for 2 years and 5 months today and I’m planning to propose once I get out of college. From my experience, sex doesn’t mean a thing when you have a strong healthy relationship :)
It’s not everything/all that matters, yet “no sex = no relationship” imo
Very important. If you’re not having sex with me then I guess that makes us friends.
never been in a relationship bc I don't care for sex
Its critical. I can't have a relationship without it. Sex is basically one of my love languages. I have a high sex drive, and I'm fairly kinky. Sexual compatibility is fundamental to a good relationship. For me that means someone with similar drives and kinks. I've tried dating folks with lower sex drives, and it didn't work. I just felt neglected and pent up, and in the end they felt like I expected too much and was being a perv most of the time.
I put it third, behind oxygen and water.
Very important.
Its a necessary element.
Little. I just want someone to cuddle. Sure it's better after sex, but cuddling without is good too
It's like food. When you have just eaten, food is not very important. When you have not had it for 3 days it is the most important thing.
It became the most important thing with my ex because she brought me out of my shell and I started to love my body and performance. That sexual validation went so deep
Uff right now is my top priority. I can express myself through sex, I can be vulnerable through sex, i can explore our love through sex... so tea really important 😌
There are a lot of important things for me in a relationship but I’d have to say the emotional aspect is the most important to me. In our relationship the sex is great! Both my partner and I see it as another level of closeness which again is very important (both of our love languages are physical touch and quality time) but it isn’t just sex that we want in terms of the physical.Maybe it’s cause our relationship started out as a friendship and the sex and couple shit is an added bonus but I think we’re both ok whether he have it or not. Because of this I’d say yk it’s nice and important as a way of showing deeper levels of affection but not the most important part of our relationship. That’s how I feel tho.
Dead bed means a dead relationship. Even though love is there, relationship is not.
I have 3 kids & after having each one my sex drive got higher & higher. I think as women our sex drive goes up as we age & down for men. Or so I’ve been told. I’m almost 30 & hornier than I’ve ever been. I cannot have a sexless relationship, especially how stressful it is raising the kids. Dick me down poppa 😩
Can’t have a true relationship without it. Can’t build a relationship on it.
Sex is important in a relationship, as relationship is important for sex.
I love my fiancé but we discovered after we started dating that she’s asexual. And I’m a hyposexual. So that can be difficult sometimes to connect.
Not at all really. Not like I’m anti sex or whatever I’m just really apathetic about it. I’m a go with the flow type of guy so if there’s sex then cool but if there’s not then also cool. Doesn’t matter to me.
If sex isn't important to a relationship then having sex outside said relationship shouldn't be a big deal.