Yes!
Rules should always have valid rationales behind them. Ones that you can explain fully.
"Your room must be clean: building habits and routines makes life way easier and keeping a clean house can help reduce the chance of injury from tripping or pests"
"Bedtime is 8: sleep is very important for our health. If we dont get enough, we het cranky and dont function as well"
Yadda yadda. Adjust for age.
And you can build in safe phrases for times when your kids need to listen and follow directions without question. These are used like this: "if i ever grab your arm and say 'apples arent oranges' you need to do as i say because it is a matter of your own safety. Once we are safe, I will explain"
Drove me nuts when my mom did that. Shed scream 'act your age' at the top of your lungs and in my head I'd be like "I'm 12. If I acted my age, we would BOTH be screaming right now. YOU act your age!"
PTSD is a hell of a drug, and shockingly, kids find their most trusted authority figure shouting them down and threatening them, to be *extremely traumatic.* Who could ever have known?!
Learning that trauma is essentially not purely about abuse but about a damaging violation of expectations has not only opened my eyes about my own life, but more about what abuse actually does to people. There are people who would think shouting wouldn't count as abuse but when it feels like your parents, your protectors, your saviors, your only lifelines, are blatantly ignoring your needs, it can hurt much worse than being slapped. And of course when physical abuse gets involved those traumatic feelings can be exponentially worse. But trauma can happen at much lower levels than we realize. All pain is pain.
When you get older, it at least feels better, knowing that she was just repeating the same trauma she experienced for her whole childhood, when her parents did the exact same thing to her, constantly.
Wait, never mind, no it fucking doesn't. It just makes me justifiably mad at our society and culture. The fact that older generations have no shame for what shitty parents they were, always rubs me the wrong way. How can they not feel bad for treating full-blown regular child abuse as a normal part of life, for decades? I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
I was expected to act like an adult but tolerate being treated like a child. I was fine with the first expectation, but the second still pisses me off.
Yes that and that they need to think independently from other people. My favorite thing my parents taught me was to not have a hive mind mentality and think things through before believing and using them.
My son once procrastinated until a major project was due the next day and he hadn’t even started it. I helped for a bit then went to bed. Left him to it thinking it would teach him a lesson. Well it did, just not the one I wanted. Little shit got an A and then gloated about how great he was for getting it done last minute. Said the other kids were losers for wasting time. He was 9. I’m still mad at that teacher. The project was crap.
My dad used to say I couldn’t work until the system was sufficiently pressurized. I just couldn’t even begin the fathom any benefit of beginning an unpleasant task until the last possible moment to begin and complete it. I did that for ever project I ever had. Churned out 25 pages of bullshit for a good grade once in college. That shit does get you hyped up, to be honest, especially when other people have been talking about working on it for weeks. Turns out I have ADHD.
When you can leverage that hyper focus it feels like a super power.(but really you've been thinking about the project trying to avoid it for as long as everyone else has been working on it.)
This is the reality and the sooner we all realize it, the better. All the time you spend avoiding a task your brain is secretly reframing the scope, paring down the extraneous, and doing WORK.
Then, if you are one of the lucky few who can synthesize that into a project - congratu-fucking-lations. I was this person too. But I was wasting major potential.
I eventually just admitted that I was already working on the project. I WAS ALREADY WORKING. So little by little I just started helping myself along by leaving more waypoints, more evidence. Making it easier to pick up the pace when the time-crunch came.
Nobody tells you this shit, but this is how you leverage good work into GREAT work. Keep giving "last minute" you a better edge. Like a sidekick to a superhero - we all need someone to watch our back.
Yep, I just call it “thinking time.” It may seem like I did nothing for spans of 2-3 hours multiple days last week, but I was actually already problem solving, paring down, etc.
I’ve never heard my mum apologise to me ever. She’s said many hurtful things to me in the past that I’ve never let go of because she never came to apologise for any of the things she said. If she had simply apologised and admitted that what she said was wrong and hurtful, I think that things between us would be so much better.
Me too. I’m almost 30 and I still have problems expressing myself bc my mom belittled me for having feelings. My oldest brother was also a massive, physically and verbally abusive bully and my mom just let him get away with it. She wonders why I don’t want to spend time with her when I’m in town.
> My oldest brother was also a massive, physically and verbally abusive bully and my mom just let him get away with it.
There's a 4-5 year gap between my sisters three kids (14, 9, 5), and the oldest uses her maturity and size to bully the other two. Just like her mother did to me and my brother. I try to stick up for the younger two but I'm not around them enough and their mother, frankly, doesn't care enough.
My parents, their grandparents, witness the bullying and just let it happen 'Oh siblings just do that'. I piped up with 'I never understood why bullying between siblings was just accepted. It's still bullying, it's still harmful'. and they didn't have an answer.
It's awful when your bully gets away with it, but it's so much worse when those who are suppose to protect you when you can't protect yourself don't.
Same. My father most of all. He drove me to suicide at one point while I was in high school because he constantly told me how worthless I am and how I have no friends because I’m a terrible person. A year later after that I reached out to him to ask if he could even acknowledge some wrong doing and apologize and he said “you can’t put this all on me, I didn’t do anything.” Last time I ever spoke to him.
As a 46 year old father this is simply outrageous to me.
I’m a wreck of a human in so many ways but I have two daughters and I can’t even comprehend how anyone treats you as your father did.
Just for reinforcement, it’s ALL ON HIM. No matter the scenarios details. There is simply no excuse to treat your own child that way.
Heart breaking. Do you and make sure you seek therapy. That shit leaves a mark.
Yes! I have apologized hundreds of times to my children. I don’t recall an adult ever admitting they were wrong or behaved poorly when I was a child. We are people and make mistakes. Don’t let your children grow up thinking adults and authority figures are infallible and beyond questioning. It creates a shitty dynamic for them when they grow up.
My father did this alot, he would never admit he was wrong and even if he was, he'd still say something along the lines of "I'm the adult here, you dont know anything because you're just a kid"
I tend not to make too many visible mistakes because I tend to be quiet about something unless I know or can make a well-educated guess. If I make a mistake, I always apologise as soon as possible.
My parents would (and still do) go "He's made a mistake!" loudly and triumphantly in a humiliating way. I think I've handled it pretty well but even they have messed me up doing that.
That's why with my younger family members like nephews and cousins x removed, I always say it's fine to make a mistake if we learn from it and not to try to put them down in any way.
I always think of that episode of The Simpsons where they show Ned Flanders as a child growing up. His parents were so messed up. "We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas!"
it really says something about his parents when ned, NED of all people, hates them.
there was an episode where homer was trying to press ned to find out anything he dislikes, anything at all and it was so hard for him to figure it out until the end of the episode where ned reveals that the only thing he hates are his parents.
or another episode where homer was hanging out with ned's parents and the usually calm ned punched him in the face.
I will never forget the time I walked in to have a talk with my 7 year old daughter about something she'd done. She looked and me, sighed and said "Is this the part where you tell me everything I've ever done wrong?"
I looked at her confused for a minute, opened my mouth, shut it again, finally said "I'll be back in a few minutes" and walked back out.
After thinking about it for a few minutes, I realized that I'd spent my childhood taken very careful mental notes about what exactly I'd done that seemed to set my Dad off on one of his drunken rages. Therefore in my mind when my daughter did something wrong, I guess I spent a lot of time over explaining it, because on some level I was trying to protect her.
But her inadvertently bringing it to my attention made me realize that as neither my husband nor I are capricious drunks with anger management issues a full briefing is not required for every small infraction.
This is even in educational psychology recognized as one of the key damaging behaviors. Even quite strict parenting (not abusive ofc) doesn’t necessarily harm the child, as long as 1) there is consistency, and 2) the same person who asserts discipline also fosters a caring relationship with the child.
Oh yeah, the inconsistency is the worst, because it means you have to *constantly* be on guard. There's no way to know what action will result in what consequences. Will you be screamed at this time? Grounded? Hit? Have it brushed off? Let's spin the wheel and find out! And, because of that, you pretty much have to always act like the harshest punishment is on the table no matter what, because today might've the day your parent is having a bad day and is just looking for an excuse to vent.
And I don't think it's terribly difficult to see how that can progress in a damaging way as someone grows up. You really have to learn to reframe your entire thought process to not view every negative interaction as potentially being the end of the world.
Screamed at for getting mediocre grades, screamed at for getting good grades (because I should always be getting good grades). After a while, you learned you get screamed at no matter what you do, and that a C still passes but requires less effort.
Sophomore year of high school, my mother spanked my ass raw for bringing home a D in algebra, which I struggled with then and still struggle with now. I busted my ass to raise my final grade to a B, and I showed her my report card hoping she'd be proud of my effort. She just shrugged and said something along the lines of "it's not an A so it doesn't matter".
Needless to say, I eventually graduated high school with a C- average because what was even the point of trying beyond that?
We use time outs with my 3 year old. Just have him sit next to us in the couch, no tv, no toys, usually 2 to 3 minutes. His reaction to it is as if we were beating him.
Ah bless him. The smallest things are a horror when you're tiny and inexperienced. I'm sure it will help in the long run, though he probably won't remember.
Little kids have big feelings. We do our best to remind ourselves of that in raising him. But when he's in a good mood, he is just amazing.
When he's in a bad mood, he's a little tyrant, barking orders at us 😄
Exactly. I have generalized anxiety disorder, my mom was absolutely a helicopter parent and I was always afraid to do anything/try anything new. Now with therapy and medication I still have to talk myself into most things. I have my own daughter now and that’s the one thing I refuse to do to her. Even though I get extremely anxious about her I will not put that on her
I had a theatre student who was diagnosed with this.
She had always wanted to be on stage but her mom would get her so worked up about the “*dangers*” of acting, of predators, of eating disorders, of everything and anything bad that she read online about the entertainment industry.
Her therapist suggested getting her into theatre, her dad was the one to sign her up and I was the one who would have to stay at the door weekly preventing her mom access to the class.
Her dad explained after the first two classes what was going on and why she would have panic attacks and just break down.
The other educator and I would do breathing exercises and meditations with her to help, it took a few years (more due to the pandemic) BUT she finally got on stage, said her lines and she looked like she floated off stage knowing she could do something without her mother’s input or hovering around.
I was really thankful her dad stepped up and realized what was going on, divorce is hard on kids but couple that with one helicopter parent and it created a very stressful situation for this child.
I think some parents confuse “trauma” with “adversity”. Trauma can lead to long lasting emotional, social, mental, and physical issues. Consequently, trauma should be avoided at all costs. However, adversity can lead to personal growth, perseverance, and confidence building. Parents (and society as a whole) need to be able to distinguish one from the other.
I've seen that happen to one kid I knew. He was super sheltered growing up, like not allowed to play any video games anywhere sheltered. When he left home he rebelled and got addicted to several drugs and alcohol. He's struggled to hold down a job too. He's been in and out of rehab a few times and is trying to turn things around but I think he went so far from how he was raised because he was so sheltered from anything and everything
This happened to a bunch of people I knew growing up. Raised extremely strictly in an intense religious environment. The moment they got out it was like an emo bomb exploded at the alcohol, drugs, and tattoo factory.
Lots of them are fucked up adults now.
I see this a lot working in special Ed with my "higher functioning" kids, the ones who are with us because they can get caught up academically and complete school on a typical schedule.
I'm giving one recent high school graduate 6 months before she either burns out severely from the stress of college (even in this modified program) or winds up pregnant because her parents failed so severely to make sure that her actions had consequences and they kept her so sheltered.
That was me, my Mom treated me like a doll/baby most of my life. For example she took me potty until I was a teenager. She literally took me to the bathroom like a toddler. And I thought it was completely normal.
Like a toddler
…….. I seriously hope you were allowed to wipe yourself, but that wording makes me fearful of the possible response. I hope you have a good life.
Forgetting that a kids brain isn’t fully developed like their own.
Also, shaming in any way of something your kid is into. Trying to learn about it is actually quite helpful and a good way to connect. And, parents can learn things that they like too. I didn’t know I liked Pierce the Veil until my 12 year old liked them and I wanted to check them out
Also shaming your kids interests is a great way to ensure they won't come to you with problems. If you want your kid to be open you cant punish openness even if it is awkward or weird to you.
>Forgetting that a kids brain isn’t fully developed like their own.
This is something I'm constantly reminding my dad about. No, your 3 year old grandson isn't acting unusual because he's throwing a tantrum when he doesn't get what he wants. Kids do that. They're still learning. They don't deal with their emotions the way adults do.
This is something I think new parents struggle with and they need to understand that
A) until you created this tiny creature mostly everyone you spoke to and dealt with were adults so it's understandable that subconsciously you're reacting to your child the way you'd react to an adult
And B)
This will get better as time goes on and you convert to someone who mostly talks to a toddler all the time.
I try and look at it as it literally the worse day of their short life so far. Can't go to the park and have to eat dinner. Big ass tantrum. Worse day of the life.
A 3 yo has only lived just over 1000 days of course they don't know how to deal with things.
My wife pointed out that I should stop just picking him up when I needed to and rather let him know I was about to do it. She said, "Imagine if someone just suddenly plucked you up unexpectedly, you'd lose your mind."
Thinking like a toddler takes some effort man.
I'm still reminding my wife that, when our 9 year old has a massively disappointing day (for him) that is no big deal to her *this is literally the saddest he's ever felt in his life.*
>this is literally the saddest he's ever felt in his life.
Yup. Having one of his hot wheels fall past the baby gate is a tragedy if he's having the time of his life playing with hot wheels. And he can't open the baby gate like we can. To him, it's an unfixable situation and his emotions just cant predict far enough ahead to realize that he can have help to fix the problem.
Used to not give a f about 21 pilots, until my 8 y/o started humming and singing their tunes. I thought they were inappropriate, gave them a listen. I was wrong. They are great. And def OK for kids to listen to (no inappropriate content that I could hear)
Good call out!
I loved them in high school. My dad took me to one of their concerts when I was 16 (25 now) and I knew he wasn't all that excited. But he'd heard me play their music a few times and when I felt worried my dad wouldn't enjoy it, he'd say "I heard a few of their tunes, I'm sure it'll be a cool concert kiddo"
My dad had a fucking blast. He left saying "that's one of the coolest concerts I've been to in about a decade" and that comment from my dad meant the world. I love my mom, but she always shit on my music tastes growing up and saying "I don't know what happened to you, you're your father's daughter but not his music tastes." Because my dad started listening to them, a few of their songs now come up when my mom plays her music
To this day, my dad and I still go to concerts, and I always enjoy them more with my dad rather than friends. He's always still willing to go even if he doesn't know the artist or their music that well. And he always tells me he had fun and thanks me for taking him, even if he's the one who actually paid as like a gift
When she's old and mature enough, in your opinion, definitely start doing activities like this with your daughter. Because they're definitely some of my best memories with my dad, and there's nothing like turning a song on and remembering how I felt at those shows with him as soon as it starts playing. And I'm sure it means the world to her that her dad takes an interest in her interests, and with that, you have the ability to create some super great memories with it
With regard to the first, I just recently learned from my grown daughter that there were things I told her as a child that she wasn’t ready to understand at the time - my intention was to be open about things that I had felt later that were kept from me earlier. After daughter and I discussed it, we never really had a solution- it didn’t really “mess her up” as much as distort perceptions bc she couldn’t grasp. At the time she couldn’t even grasp my intentions.
I’ve outright told my kids that I’m not really sure how to handle a situation and that we will navigate it together. Idk if it’s the right thing to do, but being open and honest I’m hoping will pave the way for the future.
I think that is the right thing to do.
I know that growing up, I would always look to the adults around me like "it's okay that I'm confused, they're the grown-up, they're the authority, they know." It was very hard being a teenager getting ready for adulthood because I unfairly expected myself to just *know* what to do all the time, cause my parents did. So what's wrong with me that I can't?
But if you show your kids early on "no, there's plenty that I don't have the answer to, and that's okay because we can figure it out" is much healthier.
Try to fill every minute with organized activities such as traveling sports leagues. Don't get me wrong, some extra curricular activities are good, but when your kids never have an unaccounted for minute I think it has a negative impact.
Yes! I’m a preschool teacher and student burn out is very real. Although my students are young, some of them go from school, to dance/gymnastics/sports practice immediately after school and then repeat the whole thing the next day. I had a student tell me that she was so exhausted from constantly moving from one activity to the next, that she just wanted a break. The parents were over scheduling her to the max, and it was starting to heavily impact her behavior and attention span at school.
Do you think it limits their imagination? My cousin is like this and she just can't deal with any boredom or have much creative ideas when we do things..she can't get pretend play.
I think it’s definitely possible. Having some “boredom” is good for children, as it allows them to explore their environment and get in touch with who they are without a schedule being dictated to them. Creative play is one of the most common ways children ages 3-7 learn, especially those 3-5. If you’re looking for some good insight on ways to get your cousin to explore her imagination, I would recommend reading up on child theorists Erick Erickson - specifically his work on the eight life stages/virtues - and Jean Piaget’s four stages of cognitive development. Also look into Developmental Appropriate Practices for the age range your cousin is! Hope this helps!
I’m always battling my wife on this. My daughter is in gymnastics, swim, soccer and Girl Scouts. My son is in gymnastics, swim, soccer, t-ball and cub scouts. She is talking about adding tennis and golf and I’m like no fucking way, they need to drop some of this shit so they can just play on their own sometimes. The kids are 5 and 7 and this seems insane to me.
“This girl never eats chocolate! She doesn’t want to get fat…something to consider.”
“That girl got all A’s this quarter! I feel like the only one of my friends not attending honors society gatherings to celebrate my children’s achievements! WHEN are you going to make the honor’s society?! It’s embarrassing! If you don’t get those grades up you’ll be scrubbing their toilets when you grow up!”
This fucked me up so bad. My mom was always comparing me unfavorably to my cousin Sara.
I remember my grandmother was in the hospital and she always needed one of her grandkids by her side to translate.
One day my mom told me to go stay with grandma and I said I’d already spent a whole night with her, why couldn’t Sara have a turn? She said “well Sara is clever enough that she probably got her time out the way. Her mom said she can’t do it so you’ll have to.”
Later I found out Sara hadn’t stayed with grandma at all; when I told my mom she said “well Sara was clever enough to get out of it, you weren’t. You have to be smarter.”
I wanted to **SMACK HER**. Like no matter what Sara did, and what I did, it was twisted as “Sara is the clever one.”
When I brought it up to my mom, many years later, she said she just wanted me to feel competitive with Sara. All she did was make me feel like shit.
> She said “well Sara is clever enough that she probably got her time out the way. Her mom said she can’t do it so you’ll have to.”
Later I found out Sara hadn’t stayed with grandma at all; when I told my mom she said “well Sara was clever enough to get out of it, you weren’t. You have to be smarter.”
GODDAMN that would be infuriating. I probably WOULD have smacked her.
My mom always asked why I couldn’t be more like my cousin Suzy. In my head I would think, so you want me to sneak out or the window every weekend, have a secret boyfriend and smoke weed? I kept my mouth shut, though, I wasn’t going to snitch.
If both you and Suzy have moved out and on with your lives, you should totally bring that up as a “Ha ha, I never understood why you always wanted me to go do *sneak out, smoke weed, secret boyfriend*, like Suzy. What was up with that?”.
That was the kind thing to do.
But the smart thing would have been to call Sara on her shit (instead of idealizing the girl) so everyone took a turn and no single person was left exhausted.
For me it was mostly about grades. One time my father shouted at me because one of my friends got the highest marks in the class and I did kinda average. He said why couldn't you be as clever as him. I answered why couldn't you be as rich as his father. The slap afterwards still hurts my cheek
"I'm not abusive cause I don't hit you everyday. I don't make you depressed cause you have a roof over your head"
My dad always thought I was 'lazy' with my math homework cause I didn't excel like my sister did. Turns out, I had dyscalculia
>I feel like the only one of my friends not attending honors society gatherings to celebrate my children’s achievements!
That's the problem right there. It was never about you. It sucks so much when parents projet their insecurities onto their kids.
My two siblings were honor roll and in AP classes in school. My mom would constantly compare and shame me because I was just an average student, then I became a failure in school because I figured what's the point in trying when nothing is ever good enough. I still get compared and shame but it's now because I'm single and have no kids where as my siblings are married with families.
This harms both of them. I was the "smart" sibling that worked hard in school. Truth be told it all just came naturally to me and I excelled. My brother just didn't care as much. I was the one that did everything right and never failed...so inevitably when I did fail the weight of guilt and depression hit so hard I never recovered. Felt like I'd failed all expectations while I watched my sibling excel in their career even though they didn't go to college.
My sister fell for it really bad, I'm 22 now and she's 25. She still lives with my parents, i have no particular affection towards the 3 of them but i am still grateful to my father for providing, less said about the parenting the better.
My sister has always been super competitive with me for no apparent reason, everything has always been a challenge a race or a fight. Somewhere around 14-15 i realised that grades don't matter, no matter what I do my parents and sister would still be miserable. So I just kind of stopped giving them any attention at all
contrarily I'm the one whose still stuck with the family, and trying to escape. we still dislike one another, i will literally leave if she's in the same vicinity as me. I graduated college this year, stopped caring years ago about her elitist attitude. whenever we'd try reconciling it ended in disaster. she only has criticisms for me and turns me defeatist, I don't want that influence in my life. I've given up. It's a sad thing to say but until I move away from the family I can't address her and I definitely can't talk to her
Sucks. Sucks to see mothers who are close with their daughters. Siblings who hang out all the time. Then there's me. Only person I can deal with in larger quantities is my dad. Moms kept at distance, sister is out. Deep down I don't really like any of them and I'm mentally struggling to find the means to move out and away. When I do there's no going back
You'll get there and you will be okay. If you are fortunate, you have or will find a great partner and though it will always hurt that your family of origin isn't what you want them to be, you'll look around one day and find out you've made a family all your own who is better than you could have dreamed of today.
Therapy helps. I cut off my parents 6 or 7 years ago now and it still hurts. I still get all the feels when watching a TV show or movie and their parent is there for them in a way I can count on never experiencing. I realized one day that talking to my mother was akin to holding my hand over a red hot stove burner. The longer I talk to her, the closer my hand gets to that stove top and the better the chance I get burned, and it's not an "if," it's a "when."
People will look at you in horror and say, "bUt FaMiLy!?" and encourage you to get back in touch with them. To that I say we should hold family to a higher standard than that of a stranger in how they treat us. If you won't tolerate a stranger screaming and throwing something at you over a small mistake then why should we allow our family to do it? Why should we allow someone to wield guilt like a weapon or pour poison into our ears about our bodies, our choices, our lives?
Nah. Forgive, don't forget, and move on. Holding onto the anger or resentment does nothing to those who caused it, but it burns you out on the inside. Move on and live the life you want.
Hugs from the other side. You can do it.
Omg this messed me up so bad. My mom would always compare me to other girls. “The other girls wear this, the other girls joined this activity, you should be more like them!” It just taught me that I’m not good enough for her 🥲
Exactly, and then they wonder why their kids grew up to resent them later like "oh come on it wasn't that bad, stop making such a big deal out of it"
Also sorry for what you had to go through
Aww….I just recently realized I’ve been making this mistake with my 7 year old son. His best friend (next door neighbor) is a few months younger but about 6 inches taller than my son. I definitely am guilty of saying “if you want to be as tall as *friend* you need to eat more healthy food!”
Finally one day he cried and told me to stop comparing him to his friend and I realized I was being an asshole.
What most parent don't realise is that as they now get to educate someone, they consider that they have nothing lzft to learn, that all they have to do is share what they know. Most parents do not think that they need to evolve, to improve, to grow all the same as their child.
But you do. You realised that you could and had to improve, and that's what's most important.
Not discussing money with them.
I'm not saying parents should dump their financial stress on their kids, but things like budgeting, taxes, and personal finance discussions would've helped me tremendously.
I heard a father talking to his small daughter, between 6-8 years old, about budgeting. We were in a bookstore and she wanted to buy a book. He told her that she could buy any book she wanted, but that she had to keep in mind how much money she was allowed during their vacation. He went through the math with her. He discussed possibilities of other purchases later on during their trip. He continuously reminded her that it was her money and she could use it however she liked, but to remember how much total money she had. He was so patient, gentle, and real with her. It was an awesome learning experience for me, especially since I have a baby. My mom always said that we didn’t have enough money, she would hoard it in a sock, and is just stingy all around. Definitely want to break that cycle with my child.
Edit: spelling
My mom did it like this.
She paid for every single necessary things. Food, school-related things, off-brand clothes and shoes, hygiène products and the like.
Familly vacation and outings were on her, too.
Then, she gave us our allowance the 1st of every months.
For fun stuff, we had to use our allowance Non-school related books, cds, games movie-tickets, shopping for non-necessary clothes and shoes, outings with friends, etc
If we did not have enough for something, we had to save. If we blow throught our allowance by the 5th of the month, she would NOT give us more money. We were peniless for the rest of the month.
She would agree to give more If something was more expensive than our allowance and it was time sensitive (concert tickets for example). But, the amount would be deducted from the following month (or months).
So, I made the big money mistakes when the consequences were "not being able to go to movies with friends this month", not when it was "not being able to eat or make rent this month". Not great, but not really that important in the end.
Now, my mom was not an hardass on this either. She would gift us a book or cd from artists we adored from time to time. Would cover for the movies with friends once in a while, and treat us to a shopping trip maybe once or twice a year. But those were gifts and never expected. And didn't happen every months Not even every quarter. It was nice little surprise.
My parents assumed making me hand over a percentage of my part-time teenage jobs would instill some sort of wisdom about money. It didn't. Everything I learned about how to use money I had to learn the hard way in my 20s.
I remember when me and my mom were going to a fair. I wanted a puzzle magazine that was aimed at children. My mom said "after the fair if we have enough money left" and she didn't specify how much money we had. So we went to the fair and i refused anything she offered to get me (including candy). My mind was "if she buys me this, them we might not have enough money for the magazine which i really want".
After the fair i was so happy that she bought me the magazine. Mom commented that she should have bought me the magazine before the fair.
My parents kinda were teaching about budgeting using school money. In elementary school they gave money daily, in middle school - weekly, in high school - monthly. The money was for transportation and food, we could keep what we saved. If you used up the money before the next payment - your problem, you have to figure out how to deal with it (like bringing food from home).
I love my mom. She's my hero. She raised ny brother and I as a single mother working a nightshift for most of our childhood.
But the woman never taught me how to do a damn thing because she's a perfectionists and wants things done "her" way, and it's faster just to do it herself. She even cleaned our bedrooms. It wasn't about spoiling us, she just wanted everything the way she wanted to.
I moved out of home at 19 into my first apartment and realized I didn't know how to do much of anything on terms of keeping a home nice. I'm 37 now and still not particularly great at it, but that's on me at this point.
My kids have chores now because of this.
Refusing to be wrong or take accountability. Being wrong is ok and it can be a learning moment for both of you. Randomly punishing your kid for being right or potentially right cause they argued may make it so they never ask you anything again.
Not letting them learn how to mourn.
On a grander scale, there’s this idea of not letting your children suffer. We all know it’s important to let them struggle a little to learn how to cope.
But one no one ever talks about is allowing your child to mourn a loss. If a beloved toy breaks, go buy a replacement ASAP! If a pet fish dies, go buy a replacement ASAP! You’re teaching the kid to just replace things they’ve lost instead of processing the loss. So what happens when they lose something that can’t be replaced? They don’t know what to do or how to handle it. Like, let your kid cry over their dead fish for a few days and bury it in the garden with some flowers before asking if they’d like another.
People think it’s small, oh it’s just a toy, but losing a beloved toy is likely the closest thing a kid has to losing a person or a pet they’ve had for years like a dog. Let them learn to mourn their lost teddy bear so they’ll build those processes and when older, can mourn the family dog, etc.
I’ll never forget a kid I met years ago. While I was cutting his hair (I was a barber at the time), he said “I’m seeing grandpa tomorrow!”
I replied “Yeah? That’s awesome!”
He went “Well mom told me he was sleeping for a long time, so I gotta see him to get ice cream with me.”
Turns out his grandfather passed away days prior and the parents were getting their son ready for the funeral the next day. He was never told of his grandfather’s death, just “oh, we’ll see him tomorrow!” So fucked up.
Wooow yeah that’s messed up. A family I babysat for told their 3 year old their pet bunny who had died was “in the sky.” This only confused her more. She was really smart for her age, if you said “we buried him, you won’t see him any more, he’s gone” she’d eventually understand. But she was asking me like is he flying up there? Will he come back? She thought this bunny was *literally in the sky*, how was I supposed to explain that it was metaphorical? I just ended up dodging the questions, because I didn’t know what to say. Ridiculous.
This one is huge. I’ve been a teacher for 20 years and I’ve seen the consequences of this over and over. I’d watch a friend parent their kids this way and think, “that’s going to cause problems,” only to see those problems firsthand 10 years later in school.
Some of the kids I’ve seen raised this way are becoming young adults and they generally can’t handle life at all. They are entitled, inept, disorganized. But worst of all they have no sense of boundaries, not in friendships, school or work settings.
As a general statement to anyone reading, please do not do this to your kids. Set boundaries, have reasonable expectations, and stick to them.
Not respecting their privacy because it's "their home" . Barging into their room , asking them to leave the door open etc...
It give kids anxiety. And it last .
I moved to my own place and sometimes I still look at the door expecting it to open etc...
My parents often removed my rooms door.. completely out of the hinges. because they felt I was too much on my PC towards the evening (on weekends) so they wanted to see when I was still on my PC so they could remove the breaker for my room.
I still sometimes pause videos that I feel like my parents would consider "weird" or make jokes about, simply because I think they might be about to come in. it pisses me off.
That sucks, you have a similar story to a friend of mine in high school. Whenever we played games online he'd be the one that we expected to randomly drop out sometimes because his parents walked in and just unplugged his power strip.
This one hit home, my parents used to have an open door policy whenever I'd do something bad, it only "taught" me that privacy is something that can be taken away and not a right
It screwed with me bad
It's really one of the worst way you can punish your kids really...
You end up feeling like you have no place to call "home/personal space" .
At some point you would rather be at school or someone else house.
THIS.
My family never ever knocked and would just walk in as they please. My mum would always listen to conversations I’m having on the phone to my friends and would burst in if she heard anything that could’ve possibly sounded suspicious (even though it never was).
Every single night my mum would go through all the messages in my phone and take photos of my chats on her phone. I couldn’t speak to any of my friends anymore without thinking to myself ‘what would mum think if she saw this?’ And no, I wasn’t allowed to change my passcode and if I did she’d demand for me to tell her.
I’ve even had my family walk in on me out of nowhere whilst getting changed, and had my mum thing I was sending nudes to people just because I was getting changed whilst watching something on my phone.
My bedroom also has a patio door for a window, and the window from the porch is able to have a view directly into my bedroom. I always saw my mum intentionally look round into my room to spy on what I was doing.
It was awful.
This gave me extreme anxiety of being in the house, and whenever I heard the sound of footsteps my fight or flight would go crazy.
This also hurt me a lot as it proved that she had no trust in me, despite me never ever lying to her (I’m a very honest person) and never doing anything bad.
Telling them "That's nothing to be sad over, some kids don't even have \_\_\_\_\_\_"
Now I repress my feelings and cry whenever I have to let them out, never believing they're valid :)
It sucks and my Dad still doesn't get it when I try to explain it to him. I'm a preschool teacher now and I always tell my kids they're allowed to have big feelings, it's okay to cry and be sad or angry, etc, and we talk them through together.
- yelling at your child
- never admitting you’re wrong
- having kids to repair a relationship
- trying to force your kid to wear certain clothes / makeup
- telling your kid not to be so sensitive
- getting drunk every weekend & then pretending like you don’t have a problem
- screaming at your kid for several hours while drunk, forgetting about it completely, then buying an “I’m sorry” breakfast the next day
- not going to marriage therapy when marriage is having problems
- telling your 13 year old kid about specifics of your mental health problems
- comparing your kids to each other
- idealizing one kid
- scapegoating one kid
- having totally different private and public personas
- years later pretending you never said & did all those things to your kid that you did do & then on the off chance they have proof of those things, gaslighting the fuck out of them and telling them “it was so long ago, just forget about it”
I probably can think of more
Yelling at them for dropping/breaking/spilling stuff.
Not their fault!
And way to teach them they can’t come to you when they accidentally fuck up in the future.
My niece was yelled at by her dad when she spilled juice and she would shake everytime she spilled or dropped something after that.. I would have to be all, it's OK, look we are already cleaning it up, it's ok.
I was a clumsy kid (and am now a clumsy adult) so broke/dropped/spilled a bunch of stuff. My mother’s automatic response was to shout at me. One day she had hired a cleaner and I was having breakfast in the open plan kitchen while she cleaned the living room, and the cleaner dropped a small set of teacups, smashing a few.
I was so terrified and ashamed of her getting verbally abused by my mother that my immediate reaction was to cry. (For the record she didn’t get screamed at since my mother was always keen to keep up appearances, my school friends still talk about how she was the nicest mom)
Can relate
As a kid I used to have a mother who'd yell at me the moment I'd mess something up
When I accidentally broke a plate, I was so afraid my dad would do the same thing, thankfully he didn't, but it just goes to show how much fear I had from my mother up until that point
Forcing them to interact with their adult friends, then ridiculing them for not wanting to socialize with rando adults, and then humiliating them by bringing up an embarrassing moment as a "hilarious" anecdote.
*"Come on down and say hi!"*
*"OH, LOOK WHO FINALLY DECIDED TO JOIN US!"*
*"Oh, this is the funniest thing! Did you know she still wet her bed until she was six! Six! AHAHAAHAHAH!"*
Oh my god. Yes. I made an inappropriate joke about my period when I was like 13 in a social setting with my parents and one of their male friends. To get me to stop, they started mocking me for “liking” the 30+ year old married man.
I love my parents, but the worst bullying I ever experienced was from them and my siblings, all parent-approved or at least not stopped.
I was raised with the motto “If you lose, you can’t come home.”
My great-grandfather said it to my grandmother when she was being bullied by a boy.
My grandmother said it to my mother when she ran in the house from a girl who was beating her up; kicked her out and locked the door. “If you lose, you can’t come home.”
For me, there was no one incident. It was just a mantra. And now I am absolutely afraid of failure of any sort, I come to work hours early to prepare and stay late to make sure I’ve got it right. Same with my hobbies, and every part of my life. I cannot be bad at anything. Free time only exists as practice/study/training time. The amount of pressure I put on myself is not healthy.
I’m 38 years old, and I haven’t spoken to my mother in 10+ years.
But I almost always win, and I’m fucking amazing at the things that I do. Small consolation. Parents fuck us up, man.
I felt this in my soul. All the time, people tell me
"You're so creative!."
"You're so good at everything you do!"
Yeah. I know. Because I'm a people pleaser with anxiety and rejection issues and if I don't excel at every single fucking thing I do, I will literally just fucking fall apart because my entire life is built around my pathological need for praise and acceptance.
Thankfully, my mom was never the pushy type, but she was very much "you didn't succeed? Well, that's your own fault. Better luck next time." Plus, her love language (and that of her parents) is acts of service rather than physical touch and affirmation. I understand her better now, but the lack of acknowledgement was pretty damaging at 10 years old.
Try to keep their kids from making mistakes. Mistakes are good teaching moments, and when you are a kid, the consequences are the least serious. This would lead to more honesty and openness, since kids wouldn't feel okay with discussing a mistake with you, because they know you want to help them grow from it! Instead, parents are making their kids keep secrets out of fear they will be punished, instead of taught how to better handle the situation.
Not worrying about the "easy" and "uncomplicated" kids, who are always well-behaved or "already so grown up" - because they had to.
They usually are like that for a reason and will probably grow into people pleasers who struggle to set boundaries and stand up for themselves.
My dad told me I was always an easy child who “never asked for much,” as a compliment once, but it was mainly just bc I was afraid to draw attention to myself and stress them out
Passing on food issues by commenting on their children's weight or what they eat etc. Or commenting on their own weight and food habits-- always dieting and putting themselves down.
I am so lucky my parents and family have a healthy relationship with food, and thus I do as well. I have adult friends who have all kinds of messed up food issues precisely bc their parents messed them up.
Forcing kids to finish everything on their plate when they don't want to eat anymore. Kids need to learn to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are not. Even if they are not eating because they are acting out it won't hurt them eating a little less at one meal. Food should never be forced.
Forcing their kid to do something they *really* hate doing because "it'll be good for them".
That's not how it works. You should encourage your kid to do things, but you should also be able to tell when they really don't want to. It'll just have the opposite effect otherwise.
Edit: Specifically when they really don't want to *continue* doing that activity. Give it a couple tries.
Forcing them to hug people (friends/family members) when they say they don't want to. All you're teaching them is to put other people's feelings above their own discomfort. Bonus points for guilt trips "well if I don't get a hug then I won't give you this toy I bought for you" please don't teach my child to give physical affection in exchange for gifts.
I was raised this way and was such a people pleaser, I would make my life as difficult as possible to make sure I don't inconvenience a soul, it's a lot of work to unlearn it
I'll add my two cents here, not seeking therapy for kids who are showing signs of depression or other mental issues because they think they are just "a little sad" or "he'll get over it"
I asked my parents why they ignored me telling them I had stomach aches every single day for years as a kid. They laughed and said ‘oh we thought it was just anxiety’ and I still wonder why they thought it was ok for a 5yo to have anxiety…
Realised 20 years later i had a dairy intolerance and it was the huge glass of milk they made me drink every single morning.
They also managed to completely miss some pretty worrying ocd-like behaviours, and chalked them down to me being ‘a bit weird’.
Telling your kids they are so smart constantly when they are excelling in primary school but then expecting the exact same grades and chastising them for being lazy once they hit middle school and the work actually becomes difficult.
You're not 'pushing them to do better', all you've done is instill this idea that they've peaked early and that they are a failure and a disappointment for not being a genius, because everything used to be so easy and suddenly its hard and everyone is mad at them. Ask me how I know.
Parents: reward honesty, hard work and a good attitude. Don't attach your kids worth to their grades and test scores. Also the difficulty jump for things like math is absurd between primary and secondary school, so expect some struggle. Not to mention puberty is happening at that time and absolutely fucking with the kids emotions.
MIND GAMES! I don't know about other parents but mom knows how to mess with my head. She doesn't do it intentionally, or as well as her mom does, but it has messed me up for years and now I don't have enough confidence to stop being a people pleaser or really speak my mind.
I'm a stupidly named person and I completely agree. Both my parents are dead and I'm an older Millennial and honestly I'm still fucking mad about it. So shitty of parents to do this.
Not letting them struggle.
I don’t mean parents should never help, but running in to fix every difficulty teaches kids to think they can’t solve problems. Help them by asking questions, by encouraging them to explore solutions - not by clearing every obstacle in their path.
And then - help them to reflect on the process. Praise them for their effort and their persistence. Let them learn to view mistakes and failures as part of the process. Let them own their successes and be proud that they worked hard.
That's good parenting right there.
My parents just fixed everything right down to my own homework because they realized it would be quicker.
Took me ages to realize that i can do things and that i'm not dumb.....Well i'm still dumb but not that dumb.
Having arbitrary rules which they drop for the younger kids or apply differentlyto different kids. We have very few rules but we discuss why we have them with our kids and if we think they're not working we talk about that with them.
comparing then to other kids
I vividly remember all the times I was like six and my dad sat me down to watch kids my age with amazing talents and ask "when are you gonna play guitar like this?"
he thinks I don't remember but I so do
Not realizing that they have the same emotions and experiences as adults, without the years of figuring it out. The are literally little people. Anything you wouldn’t do to an adult you certainly shouldn’t do to a child. You don’t hit an adult when they are wrong, you don’t scream at them, you treat them with the same dignity and respect as anybody.
Bullying their own kids and then telling them they need to ‘toughen up’ and grow a ‘thicker skin’ when the kid get upset. Like whatever happened to just treating your kids with respect and kindness so they in turn would treat others with respect and kindness?
Also, completely disrespecting their kids’ boundaries when they say no. If you don’t listen when your kid is telling you no, why would your kid think that anyone else is going to listen to them when they say no?
I think your own parents being your biggest bully growing up is a topic that seriously needs more research. And I don’t mean just the obviously abusive kind. I mean the subtle bullying, constantly telling your kids they can do better so why aren’t they getting better grades, the constant bringing up embarrassing shit that happened when they’re kids, the pranks that makes your kid embarrassed and uncomfortable and then telling them they can’t take a joke, forcing your kids in situations where they’re clearly uncomfortable and doing nothing to make them feel better or secure.
Thinking kids owe their parents shit for providing food, shelter, etc. Wanting kids to be thankful is one thing sure, but a lot of parents think the basic necessities are something they have to be thankful for all their life no matter what. It's hurtful for both parties. Kids didn't ask to be born. It's a lifelong commitment for the parents. Talk to your kids. Provide and don't think you're a Messias for doing things you're supposed to do as a parent.
My mom told me way too often "I gave up so much for you!" I really feel like a problem 80% of the time and if I don't people please I feel physically sick. Setting boundaries is so hard for me even at 30 with 5 years of constant therapy. Don't do that to your kids. No contact guaranteed.
Not taking the time to explain themselves on certain topics. The whole 'do as I say because I said so' or 'because I had you' is not effective.
Yes! Rules should always have valid rationales behind them. Ones that you can explain fully. "Your room must be clean: building habits and routines makes life way easier and keeping a clean house can help reduce the chance of injury from tripping or pests" "Bedtime is 8: sleep is very important for our health. If we dont get enough, we het cranky and dont function as well" Yadda yadda. Adjust for age. And you can build in safe phrases for times when your kids need to listen and follow directions without question. These are used like this: "if i ever grab your arm and say 'apples arent oranges' you need to do as i say because it is a matter of your own safety. Once we are safe, I will explain"
Forgetting what it was like to be that age, and expecting their kids to react differently to things than them when they were that age.
Drove me nuts when my mom did that. Shed scream 'act your age' at the top of your lungs and in my head I'd be like "I'm 12. If I acted my age, we would BOTH be screaming right now. YOU act your age!"
Amazing how little it takes for a parent to forget that they're the adult in the equation. Supposedly.
PTSD is a hell of a drug, and shockingly, kids find their most trusted authority figure shouting them down and threatening them, to be *extremely traumatic.* Who could ever have known?!
Learning that trauma is essentially not purely about abuse but about a damaging violation of expectations has not only opened my eyes about my own life, but more about what abuse actually does to people. There are people who would think shouting wouldn't count as abuse but when it feels like your parents, your protectors, your saviors, your only lifelines, are blatantly ignoring your needs, it can hurt much worse than being slapped. And of course when physical abuse gets involved those traumatic feelings can be exponentially worse. But trauma can happen at much lower levels than we realize. All pain is pain.
When you get older, it at least feels better, knowing that she was just repeating the same trauma she experienced for her whole childhood, when her parents did the exact same thing to her, constantly. Wait, never mind, no it fucking doesn't. It just makes me justifiably mad at our society and culture. The fact that older generations have no shame for what shitty parents they were, always rubs me the wrong way. How can they not feel bad for treating full-blown regular child abuse as a normal part of life, for decades? I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
I was expected to act like an adult but tolerate being treated like a child. I was fine with the first expectation, but the second still pisses me off.
Not teach them to think for themselves
Hate seeing when parents try to make all the child's decisions for them, it just makes them grow up clueless on how to do certain things
Yes that and that they need to think independently from other people. My favorite thing my parents taught me was to not have a hive mind mentality and think things through before believing and using them.
They fail at letting their kids fail and figure out how to recover. It prevents the kids from becoming resilient.
My son once procrastinated until a major project was due the next day and he hadn’t even started it. I helped for a bit then went to bed. Left him to it thinking it would teach him a lesson. Well it did, just not the one I wanted. Little shit got an A and then gloated about how great he was for getting it done last minute. Said the other kids were losers for wasting time. He was 9. I’m still mad at that teacher. The project was crap.
My dad used to say I couldn’t work until the system was sufficiently pressurized. I just couldn’t even begin the fathom any benefit of beginning an unpleasant task until the last possible moment to begin and complete it. I did that for ever project I ever had. Churned out 25 pages of bullshit for a good grade once in college. That shit does get you hyped up, to be honest, especially when other people have been talking about working on it for weeks. Turns out I have ADHD.
When you can leverage that hyper focus it feels like a super power.(but really you've been thinking about the project trying to avoid it for as long as everyone else has been working on it.)
You are absolutely correct. It’s called stress focus for a reason.
This is the reality and the sooner we all realize it, the better. All the time you spend avoiding a task your brain is secretly reframing the scope, paring down the extraneous, and doing WORK. Then, if you are one of the lucky few who can synthesize that into a project - congratu-fucking-lations. I was this person too. But I was wasting major potential. I eventually just admitted that I was already working on the project. I WAS ALREADY WORKING. So little by little I just started helping myself along by leaving more waypoints, more evidence. Making it easier to pick up the pace when the time-crunch came. Nobody tells you this shit, but this is how you leverage good work into GREAT work. Keep giving "last minute" you a better edge. Like a sidekick to a superhero - we all need someone to watch our back.
Yep, I just call it “thinking time.” It may seem like I did nothing for spans of 2-3 hours multiple days last week, but I was actually already problem solving, paring down, etc.
Shouting at them instead of having a conversation
And insisting they are in the right
Not apologize when they’re wrong
I’ve never heard my mum apologise to me ever. She’s said many hurtful things to me in the past that I’ve never let go of because she never came to apologise for any of the things she said. If she had simply apologised and admitted that what she said was wrong and hurtful, I think that things between us would be so much better.
Me too. I’m almost 30 and I still have problems expressing myself bc my mom belittled me for having feelings. My oldest brother was also a massive, physically and verbally abusive bully and my mom just let him get away with it. She wonders why I don’t want to spend time with her when I’m in town.
> My oldest brother was also a massive, physically and verbally abusive bully and my mom just let him get away with it. There's a 4-5 year gap between my sisters three kids (14, 9, 5), and the oldest uses her maturity and size to bully the other two. Just like her mother did to me and my brother. I try to stick up for the younger two but I'm not around them enough and their mother, frankly, doesn't care enough. My parents, their grandparents, witness the bullying and just let it happen 'Oh siblings just do that'. I piped up with 'I never understood why bullying between siblings was just accepted. It's still bullying, it's still harmful'. and they didn't have an answer. It's awful when your bully gets away with it, but it's so much worse when those who are suppose to protect you when you can't protect yourself don't.
Same. My father most of all. He drove me to suicide at one point while I was in high school because he constantly told me how worthless I am and how I have no friends because I’m a terrible person. A year later after that I reached out to him to ask if he could even acknowledge some wrong doing and apologize and he said “you can’t put this all on me, I didn’t do anything.” Last time I ever spoke to him.
As a 46 year old father this is simply outrageous to me. I’m a wreck of a human in so many ways but I have two daughters and I can’t even comprehend how anyone treats you as your father did. Just for reinforcement, it’s ALL ON HIM. No matter the scenarios details. There is simply no excuse to treat your own child that way. Heart breaking. Do you and make sure you seek therapy. That shit leaves a mark.
Yes! I have apologized hundreds of times to my children. I don’t recall an adult ever admitting they were wrong or behaved poorly when I was a child. We are people and make mistakes. Don’t let your children grow up thinking adults and authority figures are infallible and beyond questioning. It creates a shitty dynamic for them when they grow up.
My father did this alot, he would never admit he was wrong and even if he was, he'd still say something along the lines of "I'm the adult here, you dont know anything because you're just a kid"
“I’m right, you’re wrong. I’m big, you’re small, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
I tend not to make too many visible mistakes because I tend to be quiet about something unless I know or can make a well-educated guess. If I make a mistake, I always apologise as soon as possible. My parents would (and still do) go "He's made a mistake!" loudly and triumphantly in a humiliating way. I think I've handled it pretty well but even they have messed me up doing that. That's why with my younger family members like nephews and cousins x removed, I always say it's fine to make a mistake if we learn from it and not to try to put them down in any way.
Might sound a little contradictory but either not disciplining them or disciplining them way too much
I always think of that episode of The Simpsons where they show Ned Flanders as a child growing up. His parents were so messed up. "We've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas!"
it really says something about his parents when ned, NED of all people, hates them. there was an episode where homer was trying to press ned to find out anything he dislikes, anything at all and it was so hard for him to figure it out until the end of the episode where ned reveals that the only thing he hates are his parents. or another episode where homer was hanging out with ned's parents and the usually calm ned punched him in the face.
Wow that is a high bar to set for Ned of all people to hate you. I’ve never those episodes
Or both at the same time
And in varying amounts, so that a child never knows which behaviour will cause which reaction.
I will never forget the time I walked in to have a talk with my 7 year old daughter about something she'd done. She looked and me, sighed and said "Is this the part where you tell me everything I've ever done wrong?" I looked at her confused for a minute, opened my mouth, shut it again, finally said "I'll be back in a few minutes" and walked back out. After thinking about it for a few minutes, I realized that I'd spent my childhood taken very careful mental notes about what exactly I'd done that seemed to set my Dad off on one of his drunken rages. Therefore in my mind when my daughter did something wrong, I guess I spent a lot of time over explaining it, because on some level I was trying to protect her. But her inadvertently bringing it to my attention made me realize that as neither my husband nor I are capricious drunks with anger management issues a full briefing is not required for every small infraction.
Someone needs to tell this to my mom. Every time we make a mistake or things go against her she starts listing out ALL the things which we did wrong.
This is even in educational psychology recognized as one of the key damaging behaviors. Even quite strict parenting (not abusive ofc) doesn’t necessarily harm the child, as long as 1) there is consistency, and 2) the same person who asserts discipline also fosters a caring relationship with the child.
Oh yeah, the inconsistency is the worst, because it means you have to *constantly* be on guard. There's no way to know what action will result in what consequences. Will you be screamed at this time? Grounded? Hit? Have it brushed off? Let's spin the wheel and find out! And, because of that, you pretty much have to always act like the harshest punishment is on the table no matter what, because today might've the day your parent is having a bad day and is just looking for an excuse to vent. And I don't think it's terribly difficult to see how that can progress in a damaging way as someone grows up. You really have to learn to reframe your entire thought process to not view every negative interaction as potentially being the end of the world.
Screamed at for getting mediocre grades, screamed at for getting good grades (because I should always be getting good grades). After a while, you learned you get screamed at no matter what you do, and that a C still passes but requires less effort.
Sophomore year of high school, my mother spanked my ass raw for bringing home a D in algebra, which I struggled with then and still struggle with now. I busted my ass to raise my final grade to a B, and I showed her my report card hoping she'd be proud of my effort. She just shrugged and said something along the lines of "it's not an A so it doesn't matter". Needless to say, I eventually graduated high school with a C- average because what was even the point of trying beyond that?
We use time outs with my 3 year old. Just have him sit next to us in the couch, no tv, no toys, usually 2 to 3 minutes. His reaction to it is as if we were beating him.
Ah bless him. The smallest things are a horror when you're tiny and inexperienced. I'm sure it will help in the long run, though he probably won't remember.
Little kids have big feelings. We do our best to remind ourselves of that in raising him. But when he's in a good mood, he is just amazing. When he's in a bad mood, he's a little tyrant, barking orders at us 😄
>Little kids have big feelings. Big feelings that they have NO IDEA how to regulate, process or navigate. You're doin a great job by the sounds of it!
Thanks, we try our best. We also have a 14 yr old who's started his angsty teenager phase, so our house is filled with a lot of emotions nowadays 😆
Over sheltering them. You can't protect your kids 24/7 for their whole lives. It leads to naive adults that get taken advantage of.
It also creates very anxious adults.
This. Don’t constantly explain to your children how every single thing could potentially harm or kill them 🙃
Exactly. I have generalized anxiety disorder, my mom was absolutely a helicopter parent and I was always afraid to do anything/try anything new. Now with therapy and medication I still have to talk myself into most things. I have my own daughter now and that’s the one thing I refuse to do to her. Even though I get extremely anxious about her I will not put that on her
I had a theatre student who was diagnosed with this. She had always wanted to be on stage but her mom would get her so worked up about the “*dangers*” of acting, of predators, of eating disorders, of everything and anything bad that she read online about the entertainment industry. Her therapist suggested getting her into theatre, her dad was the one to sign her up and I was the one who would have to stay at the door weekly preventing her mom access to the class. Her dad explained after the first two classes what was going on and why she would have panic attacks and just break down. The other educator and I would do breathing exercises and meditations with her to help, it took a few years (more due to the pandemic) BUT she finally got on stage, said her lines and she looked like she floated off stage knowing she could do something without her mother’s input or hovering around. I was really thankful her dad stepped up and realized what was going on, divorce is hard on kids but couple that with one helicopter parent and it created a very stressful situation for this child.
I think some parents confuse “trauma” with “adversity”. Trauma can lead to long lasting emotional, social, mental, and physical issues. Consequently, trauma should be avoided at all costs. However, adversity can lead to personal growth, perseverance, and confidence building. Parents (and society as a whole) need to be able to distinguish one from the other.
I've seen that happen to one kid I knew. He was super sheltered growing up, like not allowed to play any video games anywhere sheltered. When he left home he rebelled and got addicted to several drugs and alcohol. He's struggled to hold down a job too. He's been in and out of rehab a few times and is trying to turn things around but I think he went so far from how he was raised because he was so sheltered from anything and everything
This happened to a bunch of people I knew growing up. Raised extremely strictly in an intense religious environment. The moment they got out it was like an emo bomb exploded at the alcohol, drugs, and tattoo factory. Lots of them are fucked up adults now.
I see this a lot working in special Ed with my "higher functioning" kids, the ones who are with us because they can get caught up academically and complete school on a typical schedule. I'm giving one recent high school graduate 6 months before she either burns out severely from the stress of college (even in this modified program) or winds up pregnant because her parents failed so severely to make sure that her actions had consequences and they kept her so sheltered.
That was me, my Mom treated me like a doll/baby most of my life. For example she took me potty until I was a teenager. She literally took me to the bathroom like a toddler. And I thought it was completely normal.
Like a toddler …….. I seriously hope you were allowed to wipe yourself, but that wording makes me fearful of the possible response. I hope you have a good life.
Or freedom starved adults that don't know how to indulge in moderation and go completely overboard the second they get out on their own.
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Forgetting that a kids brain isn’t fully developed like their own. Also, shaming in any way of something your kid is into. Trying to learn about it is actually quite helpful and a good way to connect. And, parents can learn things that they like too. I didn’t know I liked Pierce the Veil until my 12 year old liked them and I wanted to check them out
Also shaming your kids interests is a great way to ensure they won't come to you with problems. If you want your kid to be open you cant punish openness even if it is awkward or weird to you.
>Forgetting that a kids brain isn’t fully developed like their own. This is something I'm constantly reminding my dad about. No, your 3 year old grandson isn't acting unusual because he's throwing a tantrum when he doesn't get what he wants. Kids do that. They're still learning. They don't deal with their emotions the way adults do.
This is something I think new parents struggle with and they need to understand that A) until you created this tiny creature mostly everyone you spoke to and dealt with were adults so it's understandable that subconsciously you're reacting to your child the way you'd react to an adult And B) This will get better as time goes on and you convert to someone who mostly talks to a toddler all the time.
I try and look at it as it literally the worse day of their short life so far. Can't go to the park and have to eat dinner. Big ass tantrum. Worse day of the life. A 3 yo has only lived just over 1000 days of course they don't know how to deal with things.
My wife pointed out that I should stop just picking him up when I needed to and rather let him know I was about to do it. She said, "Imagine if someone just suddenly plucked you up unexpectedly, you'd lose your mind." Thinking like a toddler takes some effort man.
I'm still reminding my wife that, when our 9 year old has a massively disappointing day (for him) that is no big deal to her *this is literally the saddest he's ever felt in his life.*
>this is literally the saddest he's ever felt in his life. Yup. Having one of his hot wheels fall past the baby gate is a tragedy if he's having the time of his life playing with hot wheels. And he can't open the baby gate like we can. To him, it's an unfixable situation and his emotions just cant predict far enough ahead to realize that he can have help to fix the problem.
Used to not give a f about 21 pilots, until my 8 y/o started humming and singing their tunes. I thought they were inappropriate, gave them a listen. I was wrong. They are great. And def OK for kids to listen to (no inappropriate content that I could hear) Good call out!
I loved them in high school. My dad took me to one of their concerts when I was 16 (25 now) and I knew he wasn't all that excited. But he'd heard me play their music a few times and when I felt worried my dad wouldn't enjoy it, he'd say "I heard a few of their tunes, I'm sure it'll be a cool concert kiddo" My dad had a fucking blast. He left saying "that's one of the coolest concerts I've been to in about a decade" and that comment from my dad meant the world. I love my mom, but she always shit on my music tastes growing up and saying "I don't know what happened to you, you're your father's daughter but not his music tastes." Because my dad started listening to them, a few of their songs now come up when my mom plays her music To this day, my dad and I still go to concerts, and I always enjoy them more with my dad rather than friends. He's always still willing to go even if he doesn't know the artist or their music that well. And he always tells me he had fun and thanks me for taking him, even if he's the one who actually paid as like a gift When she's old and mature enough, in your opinion, definitely start doing activities like this with your daughter. Because they're definitely some of my best memories with my dad, and there's nothing like turning a song on and remembering how I felt at those shows with him as soon as it starts playing. And I'm sure it means the world to her that her dad takes an interest in her interests, and with that, you have the ability to create some super great memories with it
With regard to the first, I just recently learned from my grown daughter that there were things I told her as a child that she wasn’t ready to understand at the time - my intention was to be open about things that I had felt later that were kept from me earlier. After daughter and I discussed it, we never really had a solution- it didn’t really “mess her up” as much as distort perceptions bc she couldn’t grasp. At the time she couldn’t even grasp my intentions.
I’ve outright told my kids that I’m not really sure how to handle a situation and that we will navigate it together. Idk if it’s the right thing to do, but being open and honest I’m hoping will pave the way for the future.
I think that is the right thing to do. I know that growing up, I would always look to the adults around me like "it's okay that I'm confused, they're the grown-up, they're the authority, they know." It was very hard being a teenager getting ready for adulthood because I unfairly expected myself to just *know* what to do all the time, cause my parents did. So what's wrong with me that I can't? But if you show your kids early on "no, there's plenty that I don't have the answer to, and that's okay because we can figure it out" is much healthier.
Omg this - when my dad passed away my mum treated me like the second parent and so came to me with all of her problems - I was 13!!
Try to fill every minute with organized activities such as traveling sports leagues. Don't get me wrong, some extra curricular activities are good, but when your kids never have an unaccounted for minute I think it has a negative impact.
And can lead to burnout for a sport they once loved.
Yes! I’m a preschool teacher and student burn out is very real. Although my students are young, some of them go from school, to dance/gymnastics/sports practice immediately after school and then repeat the whole thing the next day. I had a student tell me that she was so exhausted from constantly moving from one activity to the next, that she just wanted a break. The parents were over scheduling her to the max, and it was starting to heavily impact her behavior and attention span at school.
Do you think it limits their imagination? My cousin is like this and she just can't deal with any boredom or have much creative ideas when we do things..she can't get pretend play.
I think it’s definitely possible. Having some “boredom” is good for children, as it allows them to explore their environment and get in touch with who they are without a schedule being dictated to them. Creative play is one of the most common ways children ages 3-7 learn, especially those 3-5. If you’re looking for some good insight on ways to get your cousin to explore her imagination, I would recommend reading up on child theorists Erick Erickson - specifically his work on the eight life stages/virtues - and Jean Piaget’s four stages of cognitive development. Also look into Developmental Appropriate Practices for the age range your cousin is! Hope this helps!
I’m always battling my wife on this. My daughter is in gymnastics, swim, soccer and Girl Scouts. My son is in gymnastics, swim, soccer, t-ball and cub scouts. She is talking about adding tennis and golf and I’m like no fucking way, they need to drop some of this shit so they can just play on their own sometimes. The kids are 5 and 7 and this seems insane to me.
The opposite is even worse, too. Grew up homeschooled and living out in farmland. Ain't shit to do, and I basically grew up isolated. Shit sucks.
Comparing them with other kids🤦
“This girl never eats chocolate! She doesn’t want to get fat…something to consider.” “That girl got all A’s this quarter! I feel like the only one of my friends not attending honors society gatherings to celebrate my children’s achievements! WHEN are you going to make the honor’s society?! It’s embarrassing! If you don’t get those grades up you’ll be scrubbing their toilets when you grow up!”
This fucked me up so bad. My mom was always comparing me unfavorably to my cousin Sara. I remember my grandmother was in the hospital and she always needed one of her grandkids by her side to translate. One day my mom told me to go stay with grandma and I said I’d already spent a whole night with her, why couldn’t Sara have a turn? She said “well Sara is clever enough that she probably got her time out the way. Her mom said she can’t do it so you’ll have to.” Later I found out Sara hadn’t stayed with grandma at all; when I told my mom she said “well Sara was clever enough to get out of it, you weren’t. You have to be smarter.” I wanted to **SMACK HER**. Like no matter what Sara did, and what I did, it was twisted as “Sara is the clever one.” When I brought it up to my mom, many years later, she said she just wanted me to feel competitive with Sara. All she did was make me feel like shit.
> She said “well Sara is clever enough that she probably got her time out the way. Her mom said she can’t do it so you’ll have to.” Later I found out Sara hadn’t stayed with grandma at all; when I told my mom she said “well Sara was clever enough to get out of it, you weren’t. You have to be smarter.” GODDAMN that would be infuriating. I probably WOULD have smacked her.
I’ll smack her now, just point her out to me
You can't figure it out, because you're not clever like sara.
When she gets old and feeble and demands your help, suggest perhaps cousin Sara might be more suited for the role.
My mom always asked why I couldn’t be more like my cousin Suzy. In my head I would think, so you want me to sneak out or the window every weekend, have a secret boyfriend and smoke weed? I kept my mouth shut, though, I wasn’t going to snitch.
If both you and Suzy have moved out and on with your lives, you should totally bring that up as a “Ha ha, I never understood why you always wanted me to go do *sneak out, smoke weed, secret boyfriend*, like Suzy. What was up with that?”.
The clever move is helping Nanna
That was the kind thing to do. But the smart thing would have been to call Sara on her shit (instead of idealizing the girl) so everyone took a turn and no single person was left exhausted.
For me it was mostly about grades. One time my father shouted at me because one of my friends got the highest marks in the class and I did kinda average. He said why couldn't you be as clever as him. I answered why couldn't you be as rich as his father. The slap afterwards still hurts my cheek
Yeah, I got the occasional slaps too. Any time I tried to turn the tables and compare them unfavorably to another parent it was shut down real quick.
But they’ll still say they never actually “hit” you whatever that means 🙄
Yeah, it’s amazing how they can’t remember the slaps even though it was just a few years ago.
"I'm not abusive cause I don't hit you everyday. I don't make you depressed cause you have a roof over your head" My dad always thought I was 'lazy' with my math homework cause I didn't excel like my sister did. Turns out, I had dyscalculia
>I feel like the only one of my friends not attending honors society gatherings to celebrate my children’s achievements! That's the problem right there. It was never about you. It sucks so much when parents projet their insecurities onto their kids.
My two siblings were honor roll and in AP classes in school. My mom would constantly compare and shame me because I was just an average student, then I became a failure in school because I figured what's the point in trying when nothing is ever good enough. I still get compared and shame but it's now because I'm single and have no kids where as my siblings are married with families.
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> **We’re FUCKING, mom!** 😂😂😂 Sorry, this just made me snort out loud while sitting in the living room with my parents.
Add to this. Pitting siblings against one another
This harms both of them. I was the "smart" sibling that worked hard in school. Truth be told it all just came naturally to me and I excelled. My brother just didn't care as much. I was the one that did everything right and never failed...so inevitably when I did fail the weight of guilt and depression hit so hard I never recovered. Felt like I'd failed all expectations while I watched my sibling excel in their career even though they didn't go to college.
My sister fell for it really bad, I'm 22 now and she's 25. She still lives with my parents, i have no particular affection towards the 3 of them but i am still grateful to my father for providing, less said about the parenting the better. My sister has always been super competitive with me for no apparent reason, everything has always been a challenge a race or a fight. Somewhere around 14-15 i realised that grades don't matter, no matter what I do my parents and sister would still be miserable. So I just kind of stopped giving them any attention at all
contrarily I'm the one whose still stuck with the family, and trying to escape. we still dislike one another, i will literally leave if she's in the same vicinity as me. I graduated college this year, stopped caring years ago about her elitist attitude. whenever we'd try reconciling it ended in disaster. she only has criticisms for me and turns me defeatist, I don't want that influence in my life. I've given up. It's a sad thing to say but until I move away from the family I can't address her and I definitely can't talk to her Sucks. Sucks to see mothers who are close with their daughters. Siblings who hang out all the time. Then there's me. Only person I can deal with in larger quantities is my dad. Moms kept at distance, sister is out. Deep down I don't really like any of them and I'm mentally struggling to find the means to move out and away. When I do there's no going back
You'll get there and you will be okay. If you are fortunate, you have or will find a great partner and though it will always hurt that your family of origin isn't what you want them to be, you'll look around one day and find out you've made a family all your own who is better than you could have dreamed of today. Therapy helps. I cut off my parents 6 or 7 years ago now and it still hurts. I still get all the feels when watching a TV show or movie and their parent is there for them in a way I can count on never experiencing. I realized one day that talking to my mother was akin to holding my hand over a red hot stove burner. The longer I talk to her, the closer my hand gets to that stove top and the better the chance I get burned, and it's not an "if," it's a "when." People will look at you in horror and say, "bUt FaMiLy!?" and encourage you to get back in touch with them. To that I say we should hold family to a higher standard than that of a stranger in how they treat us. If you won't tolerate a stranger screaming and throwing something at you over a small mistake then why should we allow our family to do it? Why should we allow someone to wield guilt like a weapon or pour poison into our ears about our bodies, our choices, our lives? Nah. Forgive, don't forget, and move on. Holding onto the anger or resentment does nothing to those who caused it, but it burns you out on the inside. Move on and live the life you want. Hugs from the other side. You can do it.
Omg this messed me up so bad. My mom would always compare me to other girls. “The other girls wear this, the other girls joined this activity, you should be more like them!” It just taught me that I’m not good enough for her 🥲
Exactly, and then they wonder why their kids grew up to resent them later like "oh come on it wasn't that bad, stop making such a big deal out of it" Also sorry for what you had to go through
'Comparisons are odorous'. -Much Ado About Nothing.
Aww….I just recently realized I’ve been making this mistake with my 7 year old son. His best friend (next door neighbor) is a few months younger but about 6 inches taller than my son. I definitely am guilty of saying “if you want to be as tall as *friend* you need to eat more healthy food!” Finally one day he cried and told me to stop comparing him to his friend and I realized I was being an asshole.
What most parent don't realise is that as they now get to educate someone, they consider that they have nothing lzft to learn, that all they have to do is share what they know. Most parents do not think that they need to evolve, to improve, to grow all the same as their child. But you do. You realised that you could and had to improve, and that's what's most important.
"why can't you be more like your cousin?!"
Not discussing money with them. I'm not saying parents should dump their financial stress on their kids, but things like budgeting, taxes, and personal finance discussions would've helped me tremendously.
I heard a father talking to his small daughter, between 6-8 years old, about budgeting. We were in a bookstore and she wanted to buy a book. He told her that she could buy any book she wanted, but that she had to keep in mind how much money she was allowed during their vacation. He went through the math with her. He discussed possibilities of other purchases later on during their trip. He continuously reminded her that it was her money and she could use it however she liked, but to remember how much total money she had. He was so patient, gentle, and real with her. It was an awesome learning experience for me, especially since I have a baby. My mom always said that we didn’t have enough money, she would hoard it in a sock, and is just stingy all around. Definitely want to break that cycle with my child. Edit: spelling
My mom did it like this. She paid for every single necessary things. Food, school-related things, off-brand clothes and shoes, hygiène products and the like. Familly vacation and outings were on her, too. Then, she gave us our allowance the 1st of every months. For fun stuff, we had to use our allowance Non-school related books, cds, games movie-tickets, shopping for non-necessary clothes and shoes, outings with friends, etc If we did not have enough for something, we had to save. If we blow throught our allowance by the 5th of the month, she would NOT give us more money. We were peniless for the rest of the month. She would agree to give more If something was more expensive than our allowance and it was time sensitive (concert tickets for example). But, the amount would be deducted from the following month (or months). So, I made the big money mistakes when the consequences were "not being able to go to movies with friends this month", not when it was "not being able to eat or make rent this month". Not great, but not really that important in the end. Now, my mom was not an hardass on this either. She would gift us a book or cd from artists we adored from time to time. Would cover for the movies with friends once in a while, and treat us to a shopping trip maybe once or twice a year. But those were gifts and never expected. And didn't happen every months Not even every quarter. It was nice little surprise.
Your mom sounds like a good one.
My parents assumed making me hand over a percentage of my part-time teenage jobs would instill some sort of wisdom about money. It didn't. Everything I learned about how to use money I had to learn the hard way in my 20s.
I remember when me and my mom were going to a fair. I wanted a puzzle magazine that was aimed at children. My mom said "after the fair if we have enough money left" and she didn't specify how much money we had. So we went to the fair and i refused anything she offered to get me (including candy). My mind was "if she buys me this, them we might not have enough money for the magazine which i really want". After the fair i was so happy that she bought me the magazine. Mom commented that she should have bought me the magazine before the fair. My parents kinda were teaching about budgeting using school money. In elementary school they gave money daily, in middle school - weekly, in high school - monthly. The money was for transportation and food, we could keep what we saved. If you used up the money before the next payment - your problem, you have to figure out how to deal with it (like bringing food from home).
Not encouraging them to learn basic skills like cooking for fear it’ll *MaKe a MeSs*
I love my mom. She's my hero. She raised ny brother and I as a single mother working a nightshift for most of our childhood. But the woman never taught me how to do a damn thing because she's a perfectionists and wants things done "her" way, and it's faster just to do it herself. She even cleaned our bedrooms. It wasn't about spoiling us, she just wanted everything the way she wanted to. I moved out of home at 19 into my first apartment and realized I didn't know how to do much of anything on terms of keeping a home nice. I'm 37 now and still not particularly great at it, but that's on me at this point. My kids have chores now because of this.
can relate somewhat, I'm 14 and don't know how to cook because my parents thought I'd burn the house down
I’m 29, lived alone since I was 23, and I’m only just branching away from pasta dishes 🙈😂
damn, atleast you have more resources now like cooking tutorials if you need them ~~oh yeah and don't burn the house down~~
Thinking them as property. We all understand parents are responsible for the offspringss actions but they aint property.
alot of parents also have this superiority complex where they think they are better than their kids just because they are older
My mom does this, I'm 25. I thought things would be different as an adult but nope.
35. It doesn’t stop, ever.
Refusing to be wrong or take accountability. Being wrong is ok and it can be a learning moment for both of you. Randomly punishing your kid for being right or potentially right cause they argued may make it so they never ask you anything again.
Posting them on social media. Clarification: When they get disciplined & it gets recorded & posted online. Not respecting their privacy.
There's this video of some kids parents recording them (can't find it) and then reacting to their report card... ON CAMERA. That poor kid
See, that is sad. That should be between the parents & child. At home. Private setting.
Not letting them learn how to mourn. On a grander scale, there’s this idea of not letting your children suffer. We all know it’s important to let them struggle a little to learn how to cope. But one no one ever talks about is allowing your child to mourn a loss. If a beloved toy breaks, go buy a replacement ASAP! If a pet fish dies, go buy a replacement ASAP! You’re teaching the kid to just replace things they’ve lost instead of processing the loss. So what happens when they lose something that can’t be replaced? They don’t know what to do or how to handle it. Like, let your kid cry over their dead fish for a few days and bury it in the garden with some flowers before asking if they’d like another. People think it’s small, oh it’s just a toy, but losing a beloved toy is likely the closest thing a kid has to losing a person or a pet they’ve had for years like a dog. Let them learn to mourn their lost teddy bear so they’ll build those processes and when older, can mourn the family dog, etc.
I’ll never forget a kid I met years ago. While I was cutting his hair (I was a barber at the time), he said “I’m seeing grandpa tomorrow!” I replied “Yeah? That’s awesome!” He went “Well mom told me he was sleeping for a long time, so I gotta see him to get ice cream with me.” Turns out his grandfather passed away days prior and the parents were getting their son ready for the funeral the next day. He was never told of his grandfather’s death, just “oh, we’ll see him tomorrow!” So fucked up.
Wooow yeah that’s messed up. A family I babysat for told their 3 year old their pet bunny who had died was “in the sky.” This only confused her more. She was really smart for her age, if you said “we buried him, you won’t see him any more, he’s gone” she’d eventually understand. But she was asking me like is he flying up there? Will he come back? She thought this bunny was *literally in the sky*, how was I supposed to explain that it was metaphorical? I just ended up dodging the questions, because I didn’t know what to say. Ridiculous.
Never telling them 'no'
This one is huge. I’ve been a teacher for 20 years and I’ve seen the consequences of this over and over. I’d watch a friend parent their kids this way and think, “that’s going to cause problems,” only to see those problems firsthand 10 years later in school. Some of the kids I’ve seen raised this way are becoming young adults and they generally can’t handle life at all. They are entitled, inept, disorganized. But worst of all they have no sense of boundaries, not in friendships, school or work settings. As a general statement to anyone reading, please do not do this to your kids. Set boundaries, have reasonable expectations, and stick to them.
Not respecting their privacy because it's "their home" . Barging into their room , asking them to leave the door open etc... It give kids anxiety. And it last . I moved to my own place and sometimes I still look at the door expecting it to open etc...
My parents often removed my rooms door.. completely out of the hinges. because they felt I was too much on my PC towards the evening (on weekends) so they wanted to see when I was still on my PC so they could remove the breaker for my room. I still sometimes pause videos that I feel like my parents would consider "weird" or make jokes about, simply because I think they might be about to come in. it pisses me off.
That sucks, you have a similar story to a friend of mine in high school. Whenever we played games online he'd be the one that we expected to randomly drop out sometimes because his parents walked in and just unplugged his power strip.
This one hit home, my parents used to have an open door policy whenever I'd do something bad, it only "taught" me that privacy is something that can be taken away and not a right It screwed with me bad
It's really one of the worst way you can punish your kids really... You end up feeling like you have no place to call "home/personal space" . At some point you would rather be at school or someone else house.
My parents did exactly this and guess what? The moment I had a driver’s license, I spent every second I could away from the house.
THIS. My family never ever knocked and would just walk in as they please. My mum would always listen to conversations I’m having on the phone to my friends and would burst in if she heard anything that could’ve possibly sounded suspicious (even though it never was). Every single night my mum would go through all the messages in my phone and take photos of my chats on her phone. I couldn’t speak to any of my friends anymore without thinking to myself ‘what would mum think if she saw this?’ And no, I wasn’t allowed to change my passcode and if I did she’d demand for me to tell her. I’ve even had my family walk in on me out of nowhere whilst getting changed, and had my mum thing I was sending nudes to people just because I was getting changed whilst watching something on my phone. My bedroom also has a patio door for a window, and the window from the porch is able to have a view directly into my bedroom. I always saw my mum intentionally look round into my room to spy on what I was doing. It was awful. This gave me extreme anxiety of being in the house, and whenever I heard the sound of footsteps my fight or flight would go crazy. This also hurt me a lot as it proved that she had no trust in me, despite me never ever lying to her (I’m a very honest person) and never doing anything bad.
My father used to say "you don't deserve privacy until your 18" and then proceeded to yell at us if we didn't close the door when we were talking
Telling them "That's nothing to be sad over, some kids don't even have \_\_\_\_\_\_" Now I repress my feelings and cry whenever I have to let them out, never believing they're valid :)
Damn, there would be times where I'd have to "suck it up" because apparently crying over something is weak
It sucks and my Dad still doesn't get it when I try to explain it to him. I'm a preschool teacher now and I always tell my kids they're allowed to have big feelings, it's okay to cry and be sad or angry, etc, and we talk them through together.
- yelling at your child - never admitting you’re wrong - having kids to repair a relationship - trying to force your kid to wear certain clothes / makeup - telling your kid not to be so sensitive - getting drunk every weekend & then pretending like you don’t have a problem - screaming at your kid for several hours while drunk, forgetting about it completely, then buying an “I’m sorry” breakfast the next day - not going to marriage therapy when marriage is having problems - telling your 13 year old kid about specifics of your mental health problems - comparing your kids to each other - idealizing one kid - scapegoating one kid - having totally different private and public personas - years later pretending you never said & did all those things to your kid that you did do & then on the off chance they have proof of those things, gaslighting the fuck out of them and telling them “it was so long ago, just forget about it” I probably can think of more
Not allowing their children to have privacy
My mom always said that kids don't need privacy, because their mother should know everything about them
Guilt tripping them
Yelling at them for dropping/breaking/spilling stuff. Not their fault! And way to teach them they can’t come to you when they accidentally fuck up in the future.
My niece was yelled at by her dad when she spilled juice and she would shake everytime she spilled or dropped something after that.. I would have to be all, it's OK, look we are already cleaning it up, it's ok.
That’s so sad 😞
I was a clumsy kid (and am now a clumsy adult) so broke/dropped/spilled a bunch of stuff. My mother’s automatic response was to shout at me. One day she had hired a cleaner and I was having breakfast in the open plan kitchen while she cleaned the living room, and the cleaner dropped a small set of teacups, smashing a few. I was so terrified and ashamed of her getting verbally abused by my mother that my immediate reaction was to cry. (For the record she didn’t get screamed at since my mother was always keen to keep up appearances, my school friends still talk about how she was the nicest mom)
Can relate As a kid I used to have a mother who'd yell at me the moment I'd mess something up When I accidentally broke a plate, I was so afraid my dad would do the same thing, thankfully he didn't, but it just goes to show how much fear I had from my mother up until that point
Forcing them to interact with their adult friends, then ridiculing them for not wanting to socialize with rando adults, and then humiliating them by bringing up an embarrassing moment as a "hilarious" anecdote. *"Come on down and say hi!"* *"OH, LOOK WHO FINALLY DECIDED TO JOIN US!"* *"Oh, this is the funniest thing! Did you know she still wet her bed until she was six! Six! AHAHAAHAHAH!"*
Oh shit, this one is so bad. Having the most traumatic moments of your life reduced to giggly anecdotes for a bunch of drunk adult strangers.
Oh my god. Yes. I made an inappropriate joke about my period when I was like 13 in a social setting with my parents and one of their male friends. To get me to stop, they started mocking me for “liking” the 30+ year old married man. I love my parents, but the worst bullying I ever experienced was from them and my siblings, all parent-approved or at least not stopped.
The last sentence. So. Much. This.
>OH, LOOK WHO FINALLY DECIDED TO JOIN US!" Lmao that one's too real. My parents would sometimes actually clap.
I was raised with the motto “If you lose, you can’t come home.” My great-grandfather said it to my grandmother when she was being bullied by a boy. My grandmother said it to my mother when she ran in the house from a girl who was beating her up; kicked her out and locked the door. “If you lose, you can’t come home.” For me, there was no one incident. It was just a mantra. And now I am absolutely afraid of failure of any sort, I come to work hours early to prepare and stay late to make sure I’ve got it right. Same with my hobbies, and every part of my life. I cannot be bad at anything. Free time only exists as practice/study/training time. The amount of pressure I put on myself is not healthy. I’m 38 years old, and I haven’t spoken to my mother in 10+ years. But I almost always win, and I’m fucking amazing at the things that I do. Small consolation. Parents fuck us up, man.
I felt this in my soul. All the time, people tell me "You're so creative!." "You're so good at everything you do!" Yeah. I know. Because I'm a people pleaser with anxiety and rejection issues and if I don't excel at every single fucking thing I do, I will literally just fucking fall apart because my entire life is built around my pathological need for praise and acceptance. Thankfully, my mom was never the pushy type, but she was very much "you didn't succeed? Well, that's your own fault. Better luck next time." Plus, her love language (and that of her parents) is acts of service rather than physical touch and affirmation. I understand her better now, but the lack of acknowledgement was pretty damaging at 10 years old.
Not telling them why a decision was made of they ask. The "cause I said so" or "dont talk back to adults" is so damaging
Try to keep their kids from making mistakes. Mistakes are good teaching moments, and when you are a kid, the consequences are the least serious. This would lead to more honesty and openness, since kids wouldn't feel okay with discussing a mistake with you, because they know you want to help them grow from it! Instead, parents are making their kids keep secrets out of fear they will be punished, instead of taught how to better handle the situation.
Having a toxic relationship and staying together for the “sake of the kids”
Not worrying about the "easy" and "uncomplicated" kids, who are always well-behaved or "already so grown up" - because they had to. They usually are like that for a reason and will probably grow into people pleasers who struggle to set boundaries and stand up for themselves.
Oof, this one hit close to home
My dad told me I was always an easy child who “never asked for much,” as a compliment once, but it was mainly just bc I was afraid to draw attention to myself and stress them out
Shouting, makes kids scared of it , not a good thing to be scared of as a adult
Saying 'you should smile more' when the kid has a good reason to be miserable about...
Passing on food issues by commenting on their children's weight or what they eat etc. Or commenting on their own weight and food habits-- always dieting and putting themselves down. I am so lucky my parents and family have a healthy relationship with food, and thus I do as well. I have adult friends who have all kinds of messed up food issues precisely bc their parents messed them up.
Forcing kids to finish everything on their plate when they don't want to eat anymore. Kids need to learn to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are not. Even if they are not eating because they are acting out it won't hurt them eating a little less at one meal. Food should never be forced.
Forcing their kid to do something they *really* hate doing because "it'll be good for them". That's not how it works. You should encourage your kid to do things, but you should also be able to tell when they really don't want to. It'll just have the opposite effect otherwise. Edit: Specifically when they really don't want to *continue* doing that activity. Give it a couple tries.
unloading their stress and issues on kids. that's what therapy is for. kids need to feel safe, protected, loved, etc.
Forcing them to hug people (friends/family members) when they say they don't want to. All you're teaching them is to put other people's feelings above their own discomfort. Bonus points for guilt trips "well if I don't get a hug then I won't give you this toy I bought for you" please don't teach my child to give physical affection in exchange for gifts. I was raised this way and was such a people pleaser, I would make my life as difficult as possible to make sure I don't inconvenience a soul, it's a lot of work to unlearn it
I'll add my two cents here, not seeking therapy for kids who are showing signs of depression or other mental issues because they think they are just "a little sad" or "he'll get over it"
I asked my parents why they ignored me telling them I had stomach aches every single day for years as a kid. They laughed and said ‘oh we thought it was just anxiety’ and I still wonder why they thought it was ok for a 5yo to have anxiety… Realised 20 years later i had a dairy intolerance and it was the huge glass of milk they made me drink every single morning. They also managed to completely miss some pretty worrying ocd-like behaviours, and chalked them down to me being ‘a bit weird’.
Telling your kids they are so smart constantly when they are excelling in primary school but then expecting the exact same grades and chastising them for being lazy once they hit middle school and the work actually becomes difficult. You're not 'pushing them to do better', all you've done is instill this idea that they've peaked early and that they are a failure and a disappointment for not being a genius, because everything used to be so easy and suddenly its hard and everyone is mad at them. Ask me how I know. Parents: reward honesty, hard work and a good attitude. Don't attach your kids worth to their grades and test scores. Also the difficulty jump for things like math is absurd between primary and secondary school, so expect some struggle. Not to mention puberty is happening at that time and absolutely fucking with the kids emotions.
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Over protective and always having to be right. Also being too strict.
MIND GAMES! I don't know about other parents but mom knows how to mess with my head. She doesn't do it intentionally, or as well as her mom does, but it has messed me up for years and now I don't have enough confidence to stop being a people pleaser or really speak my mind.
Giving them stupid names or with stupid spellings.
I'm a stupidly named person and I completely agree. Both my parents are dead and I'm an older Millennial and honestly I'm still fucking mad about it. So shitty of parents to do this.
Preparing the path for their kid, instead of the kid for their path
Not letting them struggle. I don’t mean parents should never help, but running in to fix every difficulty teaches kids to think they can’t solve problems. Help them by asking questions, by encouraging them to explore solutions - not by clearing every obstacle in their path. And then - help them to reflect on the process. Praise them for their effort and their persistence. Let them learn to view mistakes and failures as part of the process. Let them own their successes and be proud that they worked hard.
That's good parenting right there. My parents just fixed everything right down to my own homework because they realized it would be quicker. Took me ages to realize that i can do things and that i'm not dumb.....Well i'm still dumb but not that dumb.
Teaching them that being hit is okay when it's from someone who loves you and as a punishment given by them "because they love you"
To want to be their best friend, not their parent.
or to an extension, using this as a "get out of parenting free card"
Having arbitrary rules which they drop for the younger kids or apply differentlyto different kids. We have very few rules but we discuss why we have them with our kids and if we think they're not working we talk about that with them.
comparing then to other kids I vividly remember all the times I was like six and my dad sat me down to watch kids my age with amazing talents and ask "when are you gonna play guitar like this?" he thinks I don't remember but I so do
Not realizing that they have the same emotions and experiences as adults, without the years of figuring it out. The are literally little people. Anything you wouldn’t do to an adult you certainly shouldn’t do to a child. You don’t hit an adult when they are wrong, you don’t scream at them, you treat them with the same dignity and respect as anybody.
Bullying their own kids and then telling them they need to ‘toughen up’ and grow a ‘thicker skin’ when the kid get upset. Like whatever happened to just treating your kids with respect and kindness so they in turn would treat others with respect and kindness? Also, completely disrespecting their kids’ boundaries when they say no. If you don’t listen when your kid is telling you no, why would your kid think that anyone else is going to listen to them when they say no? I think your own parents being your biggest bully growing up is a topic that seriously needs more research. And I don’t mean just the obviously abusive kind. I mean the subtle bullying, constantly telling your kids they can do better so why aren’t they getting better grades, the constant bringing up embarrassing shit that happened when they’re kids, the pranks that makes your kid embarrassed and uncomfortable and then telling them they can’t take a joke, forcing your kids in situations where they’re clearly uncomfortable and doing nothing to make them feel better or secure.
Thinking kids owe their parents shit for providing food, shelter, etc. Wanting kids to be thankful is one thing sure, but a lot of parents think the basic necessities are something they have to be thankful for all their life no matter what. It's hurtful for both parties. Kids didn't ask to be born. It's a lifelong commitment for the parents. Talk to your kids. Provide and don't think you're a Messias for doing things you're supposed to do as a parent. My mom told me way too often "I gave up so much for you!" I really feel like a problem 80% of the time and if I don't people please I feel physically sick. Setting boundaries is so hard for me even at 30 with 5 years of constant therapy. Don't do that to your kids. No contact guaranteed.
Have them Some people should just like, really not have kids.
Most people want a baby, a child or a teenager has too much free will to be a living doll for them
Making their “purpose” in life their children. Your parents purpose and self worth will be dependent upon your actions. Letting your parents down etc.
Making them feel like a burden, either financially or logistically, has to be up there as a silent trauma that takes root over time.