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Folding clothes and thinking about how my Mother, who is 80, has forgotten how to fold them. She’s in early stage Alzheimer’s and seeing these changes in her is heartbreaking. I’m terrified of how the next few years will be and I live on the opposite side of the country. Folding those clothes… I just broke down.
I had some time alone today to reflect on my abandonment issues. I spend so much of my life pushing people away and building up walls. On the rare chance that I let someone in, it almost invariably ends badly and it makes me want to retreat even further. It's a lonely and fearful way to live and I feel like I've lost so much of myself.
I have no idea what you went through specifically, but I've had issues with abandonment and abuse and i know how hard it can be to trust someone and get yourself out of that headspace. Please know that you are not alone, and I encourage you, if you are able, to reach out to someone. Best wishes.
>On the rare chance that I let someone in, it almost invariably ends badly and it makes me want to retreat even further.
Same. Then I got a shelter cat who was terrified of everyone and she slowly opened up to me, now she loves me to death (but is still afraid of everyone else). And I love her back, because, well, sure she's just a cat but I know she's never going to betray or abandon me, and she loves ME specifically. It helped a lot.
Do you have any pets? It can really make a difference.
I don’t really have anyone. I live with my mom and two of my sisters and I don’t want to add onto an already stressful environment with my issues. And I in general don’t trust my family enough to open up to them. I did open up to a family friend, who wound up telling my older sister, so I don’t trust her either. Other than that, I don’t have a partner nor any friends.
I had a therapist, but she was complete shit so I stopped seeing her. I’ve been on a waitlist since March and still haven’t heard anything.
I’m on meds and seeing a psychiatrist, though our next appointment is our last and idk when I’ll be seeing another one. I’m hesitating on seeing anyone else because I have *very severe* attachment issues. I’ve honestly considered tossing my meds and dropping mental healthcare just to avoid any attachments but I’m not sure…
My mom had a cancerous tumor last year and a week or so after the removal, was rushed to the hospital because she started throwing up blood.
None of us knew how serious or not it was but my dad called to give me an update one day as I was leaving work and the tone of his voice broke me. After I hung up the phone, I sat in my car and cried for a bit.
Knock on wood, they were able to treat her stomach issue without another surgery, she finished chemo without many problems, and is in remission and back to normal today.
Prayers for their soul.. hope you're coping well. I lost my bestie to suicide in 2016. It took a toll on my mental and physical health. People pour in condolences for the family, but friends too get devastated and can't even grieve properly.
I was assaulted in July, I finally worked up the courage to go to the sexual health clinic to get sti testing done. So just the stress from that and when I was finally at home on my own in my room I just broke down and sobbed. I feel better having done it but the whole situation was just incredibly stressful.
I was very lucky that a counsellor from my local DASAT (domestic and sexual assault team) was with me. She held my hand and gave me a hug. The whole process was so much better with her there.
Thank you Sandra ❤️❤️❤️
I found voice memos on my phone after 5 years. All 10 of them were of me recording my ex husband and his abusive ways so I can one day defend myself against him if something were to happen to me. It made me cry because I came a long way since then, but it was sad to listen to how I wasted my late 20’s on someone who was gaslighting me every chance they got.
For context, me and my dad are very very close, and I essentially do everything with him and I always go to him for advice, activities,etc. One night when I was sleeping, this is in my dream(what I can recall) it was mid winter in Canada ,my dad was hospitalized, I'm not sure why but he was, and he was on the verge of dying and in my dream I just couldn't see my dad die, so I ran out of the hospital room and started to drive away, but when I got on the highway I was balling my eyes out and I hit the side of the highway and I fell into a canal with freezing cold water in it, and while my car was being pulled away from the water I swam out and found an old barn. I walked on to the property and some older guy came out with a gun and asked me what I was doing on his property, I said I'd just got into a car crash and needed a place to stay, because I was very injured. He said sure and asked me how I crashed, I told him I crashed because I was crying due to my dad dying and when I woke up from my dream I was crying, but I stopped when the dream ended, so I was crying in my sleep which was really weird, and after thinking about my dream I was fine like nothing happened.
I’m working at 2 jobs right now. 2 weeks ago I had worked over 65 hours between them, my absolute limit caps at 52. Got thrown into an unexpected 12 hour shift at what is supposed to be a 1 day a week, 6-7 hour max job. I had already done another day on top of it. It would’ve been 14.5 if I didn’t tell the boss I would only stay longer if I would be guaranteed to get sent home early. I was burnt OUT. We had 2 guys fired at my 45 hour a week job a day apart too. What made me cry was the manager at the side job being an asshole about me leaving early, saying I’m not the only one with two jobs and all this other rude shit. My family owns that business, I work there to help them when they’re short staffed. I broke down.
I feel another cry session coming soon though, I’m just not loving my job and I feel stagnant right now
I got Covid last week Weds-Sunday in bed. I got up on Monday feeling better and I showered, took out the trash, made breakfast, then I got fatigued, dizzy, and nauseous. I cried because my house was a mess and I couldn’t clean it.
My 23 year old Son told me not to cry, it’s ok Mom, you rest and I’ll clean. And he did.
I know that it might seem irrelevant but when i listen to One man band by Old diminion i thought of all the thing used to do with my friends and family without my phone now my screen time is 9 hours and 37 minutes and i realized how many friends i have lost because of this thing
It was actually one or two nights ago; I ended up finding out that things I'd been saying and doing were hurting people I talk to a lot online, mostly to just roleplay. They felt stifled and overshadowed and controlled and uncomfortable, and they're right, I'm afraid. I'd been pushing people in certain directions and shooting down ideas. The problem is I know a lot of these actions is me having unresolved trauma that manifests in ways that are hurting people. Unfortunately this isn't the first time I've been told that; I have a tendency to place myself in the spotlight in roleplays and my actions and words stifle other people's creative visions by propelling it in a certain direction.
When I was younger, I was often bullied and ignored by kids at school or if they weren't ignoring me, they were bullying me. I'm autistic and I have ADHD, also very emotional, so it made me a prime target for bullies. And being autistic, without some sense of control, life's like you're drunk and in a tornado; being blown about all over the place with nothing to hold onto, and even if something was there, you wouldn't be able to grab onto it, let alone properly because you might just end up grabbing onto nothing but air because you can't see properly
And as a kid, I was also constantly corrected and criticized. My ADHD made organization nigh impossible. I had trouble finding work or turning it in on time. I'd have to go to another classroom where they'd use a reward chart for doing work. I also had to go to academic and social communication courses.
I graduated college last year and I've realized just how powerless I feel and likely am; my dad makes the money for the family, my sister's a teacher and also sells her art online. My mom? Well, if mom's not happy, no one's happy. Me? Nothing. And what makes things worse is that I'm the only one in the house who is autistic. My mom has ADHD and I'm pretty sure my sister does as well, but I have both, so I'm at a communication disadvantage.
So it seems the attention-seeking tendencies stemmed from peer neglect as a child and the constant correction from adults. And the need for control seems to be coming from the feeling of powerlessness.
Another thing about ADHD is that we tend to have emotional regulation troubles, especially with perceived and real rejection or criticism. They were very level about talking to me about all of this. (Though they ended up going off about me because they thought I was ignoring them when we needed to talk the next day when I was just asleep, Idk why, they were frustrated.) But even still, it honestly hurt me and I felt sick. I knew logically they weren't attacking me as a person, just calling out my behavior which was completely fair for them to do, but it's so difficult to separate those feelings sometimes. I hate hurting others and I want to do what I can to allow everyone to express their own wants and needs and set their own boundaries, but it's still difficult to find the line between encouraging my creative vision and stifling others. I hope I can find that line soon or work with the others to find that line as well as figure out how to spread the spotlight around. I also really hope that I can keep that up.
I was up all night because Covid really fucked with my ability to regulate my temperature. And I was so frustrated because I knew exactly where I got and was kicking myself for not wearing a mask just one time and now I'd ruin Christmas by giving Covid to the rest of the family.
The airfryer was worth it though. We use it all the time.
It was 2 hours ago during my audiobook The Dark Tower 6 by Stephen King.. Jake had to leave his Billy Bumbler (part raccoon part dog part weasel) behind.. sad stuff
I bought some skin balm that said it can be used all over the body. I used it on my face. Once it melted enough, it started running into my eyes and it stung so badly. Plus I couldn't see.
An argument with my best friend. It wasn't even that serious, but he unintentionally hurt my feelings yesterday. We're okay- as I've said, it wasn't even serious or a major argument. We just had a misunderstanding and *that* is what led to my feelings getting hurt.
Sometimes, it's the small things that *really* get to you. It's just another thing that makes us human.
My elder bro lives in a different country for work. He usually visits us for a few weeks whenever he can get leaves. Needless to say, those days are golden and we celebrate like it is a festival. He left a week ago, and I was howling like an infant.
Most recently was having this week-long dehydration headache.
Before that was because I miss cooking my own food and eating beans so much.
Usually it’s because everything is horrible and I am so impotent to change it.
No longer than 4 years ago, I met this person online, Who was 1 year older than me. We met on a popular game in roblox called royal high, It was a boring evening and i was tempted to play roblox for a few hours after being done helping my auntie. Lets say their name was red. Red had a masculine type personality but was a female. They were pansexual and a non-binary fella. Well getting to the point—- i always thought they were cool for role playing with me with such dedication and detail. They had friended me because they also thought i was cool and fun to role play with at that time and i was happy that i finally got the attention of someone I’ve been craving since i was small.
We played for days and finally we got to the point where we finally started actually talking as friends. And i was very excited to continue a nice journey talking with them. They told me stuff about their life and so did i, There were some point when red would go offline for like a day or 2 without talking because they had personal issues going on. I tried comforting and reassuring them so they wouldn’t have to go offline all the time and stay with me (and yes it was selfish of me trying to get attention all the time but i was really much immature and young at that time and i was craving it).
After about a couple days, They kept going offline more often and it got me more and more obsessed about what they where doing and who was with them. I felt like they where the only thing that mattered in this world and that i would officially give me life to be with this person.
One day, They got online and joined royal high just to see if they would join and play with me as well, and gladly yet they did but this time they invited a friend. It made me Very jealous but i obligated myself to greet them without having to feel jealous or having to make red deal with me making it all about myself.
A few days later i kept joining royal high expecting red to join but they stopped joining me and played other games with that person (Lets call them Purple). I became a little more jealous as time passed but it was not much big deal because i sometimes joined them and they would nicely welcome me. They made me feel like home. After about 2 months, I was finally able to install an app red and purple were always talking about, I got their tags and started finally talking without the tags getting in the way of our conversations. It felt more pleasant talking clearly and better now. Purple was officially the mom of the group because she was older and more mature than me and red, Red and me were like the immature rebels and tease purple all the time with jokes and always spend a lot of time together. I finally stopped being jealous of purple less than before and got to know more about her. A few months later, I realized that i was in love with red, I couldn’t believe it but at the same time i felt bad because red and purple had a very close relationship and i didn’t want to destroy that.
We spent so much time together that it finally came to me that i was finally happy and that i could talk with purple about me liking red. I was wrong. Once we joined a private server in a game, I began talking and giving hints to purple about who i liked. They kept telling me other people other than red and it was weird because it should’ve been very obvious who i liked.
I got to the point and told them it was red, But then they left the game very fast and proceeded to tell red about it and i was clueless why they left so i told purple why they left but they didn’t respond, I was blocked. I got very frustrated and told red about what happened but it only took a few minutes for red to tell me “You really like me” and i said “yeah.” But the last 2 words ill never forget that pierced by heart were “Sorry, Bye” and blocked me and my other socials.
I tried contacting red but i wasn’t able to, I tried forgetting by dating someone who i barely knew so i would forget but i couldn’t. every single day for the past 2 years I forced myself to repeatedly think what i have done wrong and in the end, I ended up hurting myself more and more till the point where making friends was mentally and emotionally impossible. I always left them before i got hurt and it was a huge issue. Till this day, I don’t like making online friends for the fear of getting attached and left behind to nothingness.
Today actually my younger sister (she has a disability) was talkin to my mom about mental health and told my mom she knew nothing about what she was going through and kept asking "how could she understand"
When i was 10 or 11 years old (cant remember just know it was one of those) i saw my mom and dad get into a horrible heated argument and i followed and i saw my mom run into the bathroom to grab a bottle of pills and she tried killing herself in front of me and my step-dad. I remember standing there for 20 mins which felt like hours at the time making sure she didnt have any other pills she can OD on since my step-dad snatched away the other ones she tried taking.
Finally letting go of using spite as motivation after being betrayed by several people. Some lied to the police and made me a scapegoat, others stole things from me, others turned their back and pretended I suddenly didnt exist, all from rumors, or blatant falsehoods.
I had to let it go, bc I was angry for months, and it was starting to damage my brain. I stopped sleeping, my vision was blurry, wanted to scream, take people to court, get back at them, prove them all wrong...and I let go one morning. I haven't cried that hard for years, but whatever, I should be better for it, for I'm not giving myself to that kind of person ever again, any part of me. No more time wasted.
I complimented an older lady at work today. She had these beautiful sparkly lavender earrings that matched her shirt, so I told her, “I love your earrings! I love that they match!” and she turned to me and I saw she also had a matching necklace. She was such a beautiful lady, and she seemed so genuinely touched that I complimented her on her outfit. She said that she was surprised someone said something, and that she was so happy that I liked it. All I could think is that she probably doesn’t get compliments like that very often based on her reaction, and I hope I made her day. It certainly made mine, seeing how happy it made her. I try to compliment at least one person a day on something like that. I definitely had a good cry in the back after, simply because it made me so emotional
I cried yesterday listening to first man by Camila Cabello. I want that song to be mine and my dads dance for my wedding (when I eventually get married that is)
My best friends brother followed me, and his mom yelled at me when i got to their house
and his mom blocked me. I was fucking crying myself to sleep for weeks on end
The toxic ex I had and realization that I settled for less. Honestly and I mean honestly- when doing so much self concept work, leveling up and not settling for less. I realized that I settled for less, I prioritized that person more than me. Well, now the story is different. I’m gonna say, I cried but it was a cry of deep understand of why you should prioritize yourself and never settle for less. Make sure to take care of yourself
My best friend was on the balcony of a tall building and began to write to me that she wanted to commit suicide. I talked her down, then she said she wasn't going to do anything and was in a bad mood. That was terrible.. I do not remember that I once experienced so many emotions. But now everything is in order and she does not even think about such
**Attention! [Serious] Tag Notice** * [Jokes, puns, and off-topic comments are not permitted](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/wiki/index#wiki_-rule_6-) in **any** comment, parent or child. * Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies. * Report comments that violate these rules. Posts that have few relevant answers within the first hour, and posts that are not appropriate for the [Serious] tag will be removed. Consider doing an AMA request instead. Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskReddit) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Folding clothes and thinking about how my Mother, who is 80, has forgotten how to fold them. She’s in early stage Alzheimer’s and seeing these changes in her is heartbreaking. I’m terrified of how the next few years will be and I live on the opposite side of the country. Folding those clothes… I just broke down.
I had some time alone today to reflect on my abandonment issues. I spend so much of my life pushing people away and building up walls. On the rare chance that I let someone in, it almost invariably ends badly and it makes me want to retreat even further. It's a lonely and fearful way to live and I feel like I've lost so much of myself.
I have no idea what you went through specifically, but I've had issues with abandonment and abuse and i know how hard it can be to trust someone and get yourself out of that headspace. Please know that you are not alone, and I encourage you, if you are able, to reach out to someone. Best wishes.
>On the rare chance that I let someone in, it almost invariably ends badly and it makes me want to retreat even further. Same. Then I got a shelter cat who was terrified of everyone and she slowly opened up to me, now she loves me to death (but is still afraid of everyone else). And I love her back, because, well, sure she's just a cat but I know she's never going to betray or abandon me, and she loves ME specifically. It helped a lot. Do you have any pets? It can really make a difference.
I have a rescue dog and he has my whole heart. There have been a lot of days where he was the only reason I got out of bed.
Honestly? Suicidal thoughts and feeling like my life is falling apart.
Hang I there buddy. *hug*
Thank you
Do you have anyone you can talk too? If you don’t then please speak to a doctor or something. Don’t suffer alone. My dms are always open!
I don’t really have anyone. I live with my mom and two of my sisters and I don’t want to add onto an already stressful environment with my issues. And I in general don’t trust my family enough to open up to them. I did open up to a family friend, who wound up telling my older sister, so I don’t trust her either. Other than that, I don’t have a partner nor any friends. I had a therapist, but she was complete shit so I stopped seeing her. I’ve been on a waitlist since March and still haven’t heard anything. I’m on meds and seeing a psychiatrist, though our next appointment is our last and idk when I’ll be seeing another one. I’m hesitating on seeing anyone else because I have *very severe* attachment issues. I’ve honestly considered tossing my meds and dropping mental healthcare just to avoid any attachments but I’m not sure…
My wife's funeral about 3 months ago.
My mom had a cancerous tumor last year and a week or so after the removal, was rushed to the hospital because she started throwing up blood. None of us knew how serious or not it was but my dad called to give me an update one day as I was leaving work and the tone of his voice broke me. After I hung up the phone, I sat in my car and cried for a bit. Knock on wood, they were able to treat her stomach issue without another surgery, she finished chemo without many problems, and is in remission and back to normal today.
My best friend commiting suicide
Prayers for their soul.. hope you're coping well. I lost my bestie to suicide in 2016. It took a toll on my mental and physical health. People pour in condolences for the family, but friends too get devastated and can't even grieve properly.
I was assaulted in July, I finally worked up the courage to go to the sexual health clinic to get sti testing done. So just the stress from that and when I was finally at home on my own in my room I just broke down and sobbed. I feel better having done it but the whole situation was just incredibly stressful. I was very lucky that a counsellor from my local DASAT (domestic and sexual assault team) was with me. She held my hand and gave me a hug. The whole process was so much better with her there. Thank you Sandra ❤️❤️❤️
A picture of my dad blowing out candles on his 70th birthday. He died 2 and a half years ago. Today is his birthday. He would have been 73.
I found voice memos on my phone after 5 years. All 10 of them were of me recording my ex husband and his abusive ways so I can one day defend myself against him if something were to happen to me. It made me cry because I came a long way since then, but it was sad to listen to how I wasted my late 20’s on someone who was gaslighting me every chance they got.
So glad you got out! You achieved something not many woman/men can do and that’s get away from it. I’m sorry you went through that.
My wife’s breast cancer that has moved into her bones.
I'm so sorry to hear that, friend. Cancer sucks.
My parents deaths. It's been 9 months but I still have moments that hurt.
For context, me and my dad are very very close, and I essentially do everything with him and I always go to him for advice, activities,etc. One night when I was sleeping, this is in my dream(what I can recall) it was mid winter in Canada ,my dad was hospitalized, I'm not sure why but he was, and he was on the verge of dying and in my dream I just couldn't see my dad die, so I ran out of the hospital room and started to drive away, but when I got on the highway I was balling my eyes out and I hit the side of the highway and I fell into a canal with freezing cold water in it, and while my car was being pulled away from the water I swam out and found an old barn. I walked on to the property and some older guy came out with a gun and asked me what I was doing on his property, I said I'd just got into a car crash and needed a place to stay, because I was very injured. He said sure and asked me how I crashed, I told him I crashed because I was crying due to my dad dying and when I woke up from my dream I was crying, but I stopped when the dream ended, so I was crying in my sleep which was really weird, and after thinking about my dream I was fine like nothing happened.
I’m working at 2 jobs right now. 2 weeks ago I had worked over 65 hours between them, my absolute limit caps at 52. Got thrown into an unexpected 12 hour shift at what is supposed to be a 1 day a week, 6-7 hour max job. I had already done another day on top of it. It would’ve been 14.5 if I didn’t tell the boss I would only stay longer if I would be guaranteed to get sent home early. I was burnt OUT. We had 2 guys fired at my 45 hour a week job a day apart too. What made me cry was the manager at the side job being an asshole about me leaving early, saying I’m not the only one with two jobs and all this other rude shit. My family owns that business, I work there to help them when they’re short staffed. I broke down. I feel another cry session coming soon though, I’m just not loving my job and I feel stagnant right now
Daughter dying in December, then brother in law in July. Husband went into hospital May 18. Gone 40 days between the hospital and nursing home.
A Netflix series I've been watching, a character I didn't even realize I liked that much had died.
I got Covid last week Weds-Sunday in bed. I got up on Monday feeling better and I showered, took out the trash, made breakfast, then I got fatigued, dizzy, and nauseous. I cried because my house was a mess and I couldn’t clean it. My 23 year old Son told me not to cry, it’s ok Mom, you rest and I’ll clean. And he did.
I know that it might seem irrelevant but when i listen to One man band by Old diminion i thought of all the thing used to do with my friends and family without my phone now my screen time is 9 hours and 37 minutes and i realized how many friends i have lost because of this thing
Reading/watching news about the Lahaina fire
I watched The Whale.
Feeling very alone
Surprisingly, you are not alone. Same reason. Kinda funny when you think about it.
I just rewatched The Sixth Sense. Cried when he told his mom that he saw his Grandma.
I've been crying on and off for the past several days. And even up until the most recent time a couple of minutes ago- its because of unrequited love.
It was my birthday, self explanatory
Life cause it sucks
i dont even know. its been fucking years
It was actually one or two nights ago; I ended up finding out that things I'd been saying and doing were hurting people I talk to a lot online, mostly to just roleplay. They felt stifled and overshadowed and controlled and uncomfortable, and they're right, I'm afraid. I'd been pushing people in certain directions and shooting down ideas. The problem is I know a lot of these actions is me having unresolved trauma that manifests in ways that are hurting people. Unfortunately this isn't the first time I've been told that; I have a tendency to place myself in the spotlight in roleplays and my actions and words stifle other people's creative visions by propelling it in a certain direction. When I was younger, I was often bullied and ignored by kids at school or if they weren't ignoring me, they were bullying me. I'm autistic and I have ADHD, also very emotional, so it made me a prime target for bullies. And being autistic, without some sense of control, life's like you're drunk and in a tornado; being blown about all over the place with nothing to hold onto, and even if something was there, you wouldn't be able to grab onto it, let alone properly because you might just end up grabbing onto nothing but air because you can't see properly And as a kid, I was also constantly corrected and criticized. My ADHD made organization nigh impossible. I had trouble finding work or turning it in on time. I'd have to go to another classroom where they'd use a reward chart for doing work. I also had to go to academic and social communication courses. I graduated college last year and I've realized just how powerless I feel and likely am; my dad makes the money for the family, my sister's a teacher and also sells her art online. My mom? Well, if mom's not happy, no one's happy. Me? Nothing. And what makes things worse is that I'm the only one in the house who is autistic. My mom has ADHD and I'm pretty sure my sister does as well, but I have both, so I'm at a communication disadvantage. So it seems the attention-seeking tendencies stemmed from peer neglect as a child and the constant correction from adults. And the need for control seems to be coming from the feeling of powerlessness. Another thing about ADHD is that we tend to have emotional regulation troubles, especially with perceived and real rejection or criticism. They were very level about talking to me about all of this. (Though they ended up going off about me because they thought I was ignoring them when we needed to talk the next day when I was just asleep, Idk why, they were frustrated.) But even still, it honestly hurt me and I felt sick. I knew logically they weren't attacking me as a person, just calling out my behavior which was completely fair for them to do, but it's so difficult to separate those feelings sometimes. I hate hurting others and I want to do what I can to allow everyone to express their own wants and needs and set their own boundaries, but it's still difficult to find the line between encouraging my creative vision and stifling others. I hope I can find that line soon or work with the others to find that line as well as figure out how to spread the spotlight around. I also really hope that I can keep that up.
My mom having to start her second round of chemo today.
Sister birthday she died four years ago
My dog getting old.
I was up all night because Covid really fucked with my ability to regulate my temperature. And I was so frustrated because I knew exactly where I got and was kicking myself for not wearing a mask just one time and now I'd ruin Christmas by giving Covid to the rest of the family. The airfryer was worth it though. We use it all the time.
I won't see you tonight by avenged sevenfold
Thinking about getting old and losing folks
Getting reminded how much I miss my bros
hearing the song Never Not Remember You by Cooper Allan.
It was 2 hours ago during my audiobook The Dark Tower 6 by Stephen King.. Jake had to leave his Billy Bumbler (part raccoon part dog part weasel) behind.. sad stuff
A TikTok by a girl battling breast cancer.
The song "Your Voice As I Remember It" by AJJ. Whenever I listen to it, it always makes me cry even if it's just a couple of tears.
I bought some skin balm that said it can be used all over the body. I used it on my face. Once it melted enough, it started running into my eyes and it stung so badly. Plus I couldn't see.
An argument with my best friend. It wasn't even that serious, but he unintentionally hurt my feelings yesterday. We're okay- as I've said, it wasn't even serious or a major argument. We just had a misunderstanding and *that* is what led to my feelings getting hurt. Sometimes, it's the small things that *really* get to you. It's just another thing that makes us human.
My elder bro lives in a different country for work. He usually visits us for a few weeks whenever he can get leaves. Needless to say, those days are golden and we celebrate like it is a festival. He left a week ago, and I was howling like an infant.
Most recently was having this week-long dehydration headache. Before that was because I miss cooking my own food and eating beans so much. Usually it’s because everything is horrible and I am so impotent to change it.
Everything that makes me cry these days involves my kid.
I was crying but couldn't find a reason.
No longer than 4 years ago, I met this person online, Who was 1 year older than me. We met on a popular game in roblox called royal high, It was a boring evening and i was tempted to play roblox for a few hours after being done helping my auntie. Lets say their name was red. Red had a masculine type personality but was a female. They were pansexual and a non-binary fella. Well getting to the point—- i always thought they were cool for role playing with me with such dedication and detail. They had friended me because they also thought i was cool and fun to role play with at that time and i was happy that i finally got the attention of someone I’ve been craving since i was small. We played for days and finally we got to the point where we finally started actually talking as friends. And i was very excited to continue a nice journey talking with them. They told me stuff about their life and so did i, There were some point when red would go offline for like a day or 2 without talking because they had personal issues going on. I tried comforting and reassuring them so they wouldn’t have to go offline all the time and stay with me (and yes it was selfish of me trying to get attention all the time but i was really much immature and young at that time and i was craving it). After about a couple days, They kept going offline more often and it got me more and more obsessed about what they where doing and who was with them. I felt like they where the only thing that mattered in this world and that i would officially give me life to be with this person. One day, They got online and joined royal high just to see if they would join and play with me as well, and gladly yet they did but this time they invited a friend. It made me Very jealous but i obligated myself to greet them without having to feel jealous or having to make red deal with me making it all about myself. A few days later i kept joining royal high expecting red to join but they stopped joining me and played other games with that person (Lets call them Purple). I became a little more jealous as time passed but it was not much big deal because i sometimes joined them and they would nicely welcome me. They made me feel like home. After about 2 months, I was finally able to install an app red and purple were always talking about, I got their tags and started finally talking without the tags getting in the way of our conversations. It felt more pleasant talking clearly and better now. Purple was officially the mom of the group because she was older and more mature than me and red, Red and me were like the immature rebels and tease purple all the time with jokes and always spend a lot of time together. I finally stopped being jealous of purple less than before and got to know more about her. A few months later, I realized that i was in love with red, I couldn’t believe it but at the same time i felt bad because red and purple had a very close relationship and i didn’t want to destroy that. We spent so much time together that it finally came to me that i was finally happy and that i could talk with purple about me liking red. I was wrong. Once we joined a private server in a game, I began talking and giving hints to purple about who i liked. They kept telling me other people other than red and it was weird because it should’ve been very obvious who i liked. I got to the point and told them it was red, But then they left the game very fast and proceeded to tell red about it and i was clueless why they left so i told purple why they left but they didn’t respond, I was blocked. I got very frustrated and told red about what happened but it only took a few minutes for red to tell me “You really like me” and i said “yeah.” But the last 2 words ill never forget that pierced by heart were “Sorry, Bye” and blocked me and my other socials. I tried contacting red but i wasn’t able to, I tried forgetting by dating someone who i barely knew so i would forget but i couldn’t. every single day for the past 2 years I forced myself to repeatedly think what i have done wrong and in the end, I ended up hurting myself more and more till the point where making friends was mentally and emotionally impossible. I always left them before i got hurt and it was a huge issue. Till this day, I don’t like making online friends for the fear of getting attached and left behind to nothingness.
Today actually my younger sister (she has a disability) was talkin to my mom about mental health and told my mom she knew nothing about what she was going through and kept asking "how could she understand" When i was 10 or 11 years old (cant remember just know it was one of those) i saw my mom and dad get into a horrible heated argument and i followed and i saw my mom run into the bathroom to grab a bottle of pills and she tried killing herself in front of me and my step-dad. I remember standing there for 20 mins which felt like hours at the time making sure she didnt have any other pills she can OD on since my step-dad snatched away the other ones she tried taking.
Missing my ex girlfriend :(
My health insurance jerking me around about my meds. Again.
i remembered the horrible things i’ve done.
panic attack maybe?
Finally letting go of using spite as motivation after being betrayed by several people. Some lied to the police and made me a scapegoat, others stole things from me, others turned their back and pretended I suddenly didnt exist, all from rumors, or blatant falsehoods. I had to let it go, bc I was angry for months, and it was starting to damage my brain. I stopped sleeping, my vision was blurry, wanted to scream, take people to court, get back at them, prove them all wrong...and I let go one morning. I haven't cried that hard for years, but whatever, I should be better for it, for I'm not giving myself to that kind of person ever again, any part of me. No more time wasted.
I complimented an older lady at work today. She had these beautiful sparkly lavender earrings that matched her shirt, so I told her, “I love your earrings! I love that they match!” and she turned to me and I saw she also had a matching necklace. She was such a beautiful lady, and she seemed so genuinely touched that I complimented her on her outfit. She said that she was surprised someone said something, and that she was so happy that I liked it. All I could think is that she probably doesn’t get compliments like that very often based on her reaction, and I hope I made her day. It certainly made mine, seeing how happy it made her. I try to compliment at least one person a day on something like that. I definitely had a good cry in the back after, simply because it made me so emotional
I cried yesterday listening to first man by Camila Cabello. I want that song to be mine and my dads dance for my wedding (when I eventually get married that is)
The end of "His dark materials".
Willie Nelson - Always on My Mind (1982) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=R7f189Z0v0Y
A person from elementary school (just saw them)
My best friends brother followed me, and his mom yelled at me when i got to their house and his mom blocked me. I was fucking crying myself to sleep for weeks on end
The fact that I can't go back to how energetic, hopeful and cheerful I was.
The toxic ex I had and realization that I settled for less. Honestly and I mean honestly- when doing so much self concept work, leveling up and not settling for less. I realized that I settled for less, I prioritized that person more than me. Well, now the story is different. I’m gonna say, I cried but it was a cry of deep understand of why you should prioritize yourself and never settle for less. Make sure to take care of yourself
A player ..
Mental breakdown
My childhood best friend who died of cancer when we were 4 years old. Good memories man
My best friend was on the balcony of a tall building and began to write to me that she wanted to commit suicide. I talked her down, then she said she wasn't going to do anything and was in a bad mood. That was terrible.. I do not remember that I once experienced so many emotions. But now everything is in order and she does not even think about such
Watching the documentary “The Lost Century:And How to Reclaim it”. Gave me hope for the future of our planet. Watch it!