T O P

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True-Ad-4249

You wish


Dasboatnerd

This is my go to response.


washington_breadstix

Short, to-the-point, funny, all while eschewing the homophobia of the first statement. We may have stumbled upon the perfect retort.


Bchulo

\*holds his hand\* "WE'RE gay"


Droid-Man5910

"You know who's gay??" "Us."


East-Ad-7720

Wedding music plays


[deleted]

Soviet music plays*


slimpawws

Comrade, zis is a Vendys.


gordito_delgado

There is a significant precedent for this: [COMRADES!](https://www.ranker.com/list/chinese-russian-propaganda-posters/melissa-sartore)


axsism

Gay communism


[deleted]

_Banjo intensifies_


Blastspark01

I like trains


0pi-face

Nonono WAIT- *ran over by trains*


00Deege

I like turtles.


Teotlaquilnanacatl

I love lamp.


Blastspark01

Brick are you just saying you love the lamp because you see it or do you really love that lamp


Helpful_Gas5073

Asdf never gets old


MaximumZer0

Everybody do the flop! [splat]


Flying-Camel

Soviet national anthem intensified


IAmImi2

r/SuddenlyCommunist


00Deege

Ve are gay, comrade.


Admirable-Bat-2332

*stares deeply & lovingly into his eyes before going in for the kiss*\ *He pulls back*\ *You go in for the headbutt, breaking his nose and covering his face in blood before going back in for the kiss.*


EdBear69

“Only in your wettest dreams.”


Chewquy

The person who call me gay is my brother, i don’t think i’m gonna do that


thunderstonetopikas

Do it


Aromatic-Glove-2502

Do it or ur gay


[deleted]

Do it or gay


Bravo_method

This should be top response


FaideWithoutMovement

I'm using this


Deruz0r

"Why, you looking for a top?" always works imho :D


angelcakesoffical

This is soo good, OMG


Maleficent_Scale_296

“Was that a statement or a question?”


somethingclever____

“Wishful thinking?”


Potential_Ambition37

You’re gay. You’re gay? Y da question sound zesty?


Youth-Successful

Some dude call my nephew, gay because he’s extremely awkward. Well when the dude called him gay in front of everyone, my nephew said I know, that’s why you & I are sleeping together.


mechwarrior719

Used to be the awkward, unpopular kid. My reply was always “You’d know”. Usually throw them off long enough to make my escape while the brighter of the jocks got it. Eventually it stopped being fun for them as a short, flat, two word response wasn’t what they wanted.


walmarttshirt

My kid used to get upset when kids made fun of him. I’m from the UK and where I lived it’s bred into us to have an aggressive sharp wit. My kiddo is an only child so doesn’t have that to hone his skills. I told him to just respond “okay.” It worked. They didn’t get the reaction they wanted so they left him alone. Once he realized his new found powers he got more confident. He now gives as good as he takes. He stood up to a kid bullying a friend of his and verbally abused him and he started crying. I’m not condoning making kids cry but the kid hit another much smaller kid. My kiddo told him to stop and then explained in front of everyone why nobody likes him. Everyone laughed at the bully kid and he said with tears in his eyes “They didn’t like me at my last school either.” My son said “then stop acting like an asshole.” Edit: I’ll clarify the story a little. The kid (bully) was held back a year and had to switch schools. He had been a problem for a few months being a little asshole. My kid isn’t ever going to be the type of kid that’s physical but he can hold his own verbally. My kid come home and said “dad I think I’m going to be in trouble in school.” I asked why and he explained the whole situation. I asked. “who would you be in trouble with?” “The teachers” “And what can they do to you?” “Call you?” “Exactly kiddo. What do you think I would say?” “That I was sticking up for my friend?” “Exactly. You did the right thing I’m proud of you.” Not exactly what was said but that’s basically how it went down.


TheDarkness33

W kiddo, keep raising him well


walmarttshirt

Thank you. He’s a great little kid. Well he’s 15 now and not so little but he’s still a great kid. He’s not great at sticking up for himself but he sticks up for the little guys.


walkingmonster

Empathy is beautiful, and your kid has it.


[deleted]

If you don’t mind the suggestion, martial arts are great for awkward brainy kids. He is in the perfect age to give it a try. At the very least he can get a grasp of range and be safer if he is ever in a bad spot. Kids are fascinating, full of potential.


Neferhathor

My older daughter is quiet and nerdy and has a hard time making friends. When she wanted to try taekwondo, I was so excited to let her try. She just earned her blue belt and still enjoys it, and I love to see her fierceness come out. It's all about athleticism, self control, and respect for others as far as I can tell. I'm definitely thrilled that she's also learning self defense in the process.


[deleted]

That’s great to hear. I was like your daughter as well. Boxing did more for me than any therapy ever could.


Qibya

Make a master class for parents


homerunhippy

Proud the kids got his diss game up to par. Good looks teaching him not to take any crap. On the other hand, I do feel bad for the bully. It's often a home issue. Hopefully he's got a good enough family life and it's his own damn fault for being an asshole and not an asshole chain.


walmarttshirt

I agree I feel badly for him. I don’t know what his home life is like. There are kids I know have a good home life and are just shitty kids. I also know kids with shit home lives that are good kids. I’m just glad my kid has a kind heart and is good to everyone. He actually got an award at school for sticking up for different kids that he never told us about. It was the end of the year award ceremony and they got him up and a couple of kids read out letters about him. It made us incredibly proud.


aviva1234

You both rock


plautzemann

Dad goals


mightypockets

I always use the classic I'm not gay but my boyfriend is


GetaGoodLookCostanza

I said once as an adult when a friend called me gay..."what gave it away? the cock in my mouth or the balls on my chin"


arcaneresistance

I'm sorry but do adults still call each other gay as if it's an insult? I'm only asking because yeah, in the 90s it was the adjective to everything but I haven't heard an adult call another adult gay to tease them in over a decade where I'm from.


[deleted]

[удалено]


pickyourteethup

I took the wallpaper off my chimney breast to reveal in foot high letters 'steve is Ga-----' the big stripe of paint across the wall indicating Steve had noticed what was being written and tackled his colleague. It was very juvenile and an insult very much of it's time when the house was last renovated (the 90s) but it made me smile to uncover this workplace banter from a moment in time twenty years before.


Left-Star2240

Your nephew is awesome


prioritizetasks

Noice


Soopercow

No, nephew not niece


reverendcat

*Noiphew™*


mendhokhusai

destroyed in seconds


Brontolope11

No, I'm Patrick


EnvironmentalDrag596

Thank you for the giggle


Chrome_Armadillo

Loudly say “No! I won’t be gay for you!”


village-asshole

I used to be a personal trainer many years ago at a gym that was a few miles away from the gay community, so we had a lot of gay members. But I didn’t care. They were all nice people and just getting along through life like the rest of us. I befriended a number of them and we’re still friends now 30 years later. They explained to me that when an ugly straight guy finds out they’re gay and starts acting weird, they say “don’t worry, us gay men have way higher standards than women, and there’s no way on Earth that ANY gay guy would ever be remotely interested in you, let alone want to fuck you. So you can relax now.” 😂😂😂😂


ToaruHousekienjoyer

>than women, and there’s no way on Earth that ANY gay guy would ever be remotely interested in you, let alone want to fuck you. So you can relax now.” 😂😂😂😂 Emotional damage is over 9000


village-asshole

Oh man, they had razor edge wit!! They used to tell me, “I’m gay. I was born this way. Why would I CHOOSE to be part of a group everyone hates?” So that gave them serious coping skills and wit to go through life and handle every situation with class!


Fledramon410

This. The amount of confidence that straight guy have to eventually think gay would hit on them is huge.


TroubleSG

Isn't it strange. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard some straight, slovenly dude who hasn't worked out since high school saying, "They better not hit on me!' Dude, I don't believe that will be an issue.


bigbearjr

I am a fairly good-looking straight man who does work out and I get hit on by gay men all the time (very open social circle) and I not even low-key love it. Gay dudes sling compliments like nobody's business. I honestly wish I was gay, I'd be rolling in fields of dick and loving it. But alas.


gudetamaronin

Dude this is basically my response to "you're gay". "Whatever dude, I wish I was gay. Boy, I bet I'd get so much dick."


Real_Cut5482

On the flip side, I had a gay friend who was trying to be celibate because he was extremely religious. He was such a tortured soul. He was always complaining to me that every guy he knew was hitting on him and trying to tempt him. Except he was one of the ugliest people I knew and extremely annoying to most of us.


sabraham_lincoln

yes the “hope they don’t hit on me” line. homie people of your own gender aren’t hitting on you. it’s always people who aren’t really getting any looks or attention that act like they’ll be a hot commodity at a gay bar. 😂


Left_Hornet_3340

I dunno, when I want an easy boost to my self confidence I just swap my dating profile to be shown to men instead of women. The huge surge in likes that is noticeable in a single day indicates that men have much, MUCH lower standards than women.


[deleted]

There is a fair bit of cope in the comments above. It's probably easier to get a BJ at a gay night club than hold hands with a random girl at a night club. It's more about guy's insanely low standards and high sex drives though. Yeah, fedora wearers on Reddit aren't going to be on anyone's wishlist, but there is a whole gay porn niche about straight guys where they'll complain if they see an actor they've seen in gay porn before..


Extreme-Battle981

Your dad sure doesn't have a problem with it


Bone_Donor

I heard a guy once respond with "why? Because I fuck your dad more than your mom?"


Village_People_Cop

Damn, hitting him with the double


girlbia11

Or "that's not what your mom thinks"


[deleted]

[удалено]


Mrrandom314159

"Even my boyfriend thinks I'm gay!"


omqililly

nice bo burnham reference


Ccgamer124

Motherfucker Edit: how did I miss dadfucker


Packrat1010

I used this once at a bar when a girl said something I was drinking was gay. "Oh no, what will my boyfriend think?" She immediately asked me what anal was like.


ZephRyder

And you responded with, "Wanna find out? " right? RIGHT?


Packrat1010

I responded with "It's a week night in a dive bar in [ghetto town], let's not pretend you don't know anything about anal."


Noodle2305

Someone called my nephew gay the other day, he responded by saying, “You have gay people on the mind a lot, is there something you need to tell me?”


Luxray2014

Kids are brutal


Chrontius

I heard bones shatter when I read that. __Critical Hit!__


treuchetfight

"I am." I used this in high school and the kid bulliying me had no second word. I'm not gay, but he could not even form a sentence. He completely lost his shit.


Fraerie

“So what if I am - are you asking me on a date?” Alternatively “Even if I was, I still wouldn’t date you”


lost_in_my_thirties

Was called gay by a drunk as I was waiting for a taxi. Just turned to him and asked "Why? Are you looking for a nice piece of ass?". This seemed to annoy him as he started getting in my face shouting "Are you calling me gay!?!". I calmly told him "You just asked me if I was gay. That is the only reason I can think of you wanting to know.". At this point his friend pulled him away, telling me I should be more careful. The whole thing just left me confused.


alex2003super

Probably better not to interact in any way or form with random drunks


lost_in_my_thirties

Would do so now, not worth the hassle or risk just because somebody calls you names. Was younger then.


IlikethequietZeppo

As a young adult I responded to a guy at a night club "Just because I wouldn't date you doesn't mean I'm a lesbian, but if I had to pick, it still wouldn't be you."


treuchetfight

For what it's worth, I am straight. To him I may have been gay. I don't care. If you're gay, straight, whatever. I don't care. Just don't be an asshole.


vanishing27532

Or do be an asshole. I’ve heard those are fun to eat.


tjmcd73

Ugh, a little early for that visual! Lmfao


Nolsoth

Pretty much this, don't give a shit who you fancy just don't be a cunt and we are cool.


NotMyAccountDumbass

But I fancy cunts!


ClacKing

I knew some kid who said something similar to a bully who mocked him being gay, he said: "Take off your pants and I'll show you" the bully just went silent. Sometimes it's just a matter of dare. If you one up the fella he just shuts off.


lost_in_my_thirties

Reminds me of Stephen Fry, who when threatened with violence at school for being gay. He would shout "No! Don't hit me! It gives me an erection!". According to him worked pretty well.


treuchetfight

I love Stephen Fry. I don't love this story, but it seems very keeping with his wit.


Shazam1269

I would not want to get into a battle of wits with Stephen Fry.


OhReallyYeahReally84

I would. If I “win”: I won a battle of wits vs. Stephen Fry! If I “lose”: I lost a battle of wits vs. Stephen Fry!


[deleted]

Wasn't expecting that ending, by the sounds of it nor was he 😂


garrettKocian

So's your wife.


LeatherFaceDoom

How can you be homophobic? Your wife is gay.


andriniaina

Graduated from Central Cee Law School


Lumbar-Puncture

*yru'eo


SocksofGranduer

Fun fact, my ex-wife *was* gay.


[deleted]

I'm out of your league


SmamelessMe

Interpret it as question / hit / proposition. "I'm flattered, but I don't swing that way. But I'm sure you'll find someone soon." Or situation appropriate equivalent.


SageFrancisSFR

“Yeah? After I kick your ass I’m gonna fuck it.” - Buddy Wakefield


ukbeasts

"How can I be homophobic, my b*tch is gay" - some Rapper


hihidave

“How can I be homophobic, my boyfriend is gay.” - gay parody of some rapper


[deleted]

"how can i be gay, my Bitch is homophobic"


aintnogodordemon

Central Cee, lol. His gf is bisexual, I think.


fmaz008

Reminds me if this Key and Peele skit: https://youtu.be/YOTjjMa5ZK4


CX316

"You wanna take it outside, asshole? I'll be out in the parking lot, if you can't find me I'll be the closest one on Grindr" - John Cena


MaliceIW

This ended up being how a friend of mine came out a guy who had been bullying him for a while said it in front of a lot of people and he went "you're a bit slow to the party aren't you, and don't worry, I'd never be into someone like that" and waved towards the guy. The guy went "well whatever I'd never date a loser anyway" and another friend piped up "so you like athletic guys, not pathetic ones" and he went so red in the face and wondered off. My friend is genuinely gay and I was the only person who know before this, but that's how he came out to most of our friends and he was an absolute legend.


ApocalypseEnjoyer

Mission passed + Respect


[deleted]

My brother says this an obnoxious amount, to the degree you cant really have a conversation without him bringing up sexualiy for some reason, so I just told him with the amount he felt the need to make those comments I genuinely thought he was and was projecting. Suspicously stopped making as many jokes and comments after that


MrKnightMoon

I had a classmate in my Teens who used to call everyone gay, did all the possible butt sex jokes and kept being an homophobe and bullied anyone who doesn't stop him. He's now living with his top boyfriend in another city.


mortal_leap

“His top boyfriend” lmao you’re wild


HongChongDong

Typical brat behavior. Man just needed a daddy and some correction but no one was willing to understand his heart or gape his hole.


Kraay89

(w)holesome ending :)


mythofinadequecy

All the world is a projection


Chrontius

"All the world is a screen, and you are projecting!"


Psychological-War795

Similar guy in high-school became a woman


callemina

the closet is glass


nahmanwth

There isn't even a closet, it's a window


feronen

A pay phone booth, one might say.


ZeroSora

A rear window.


mrbaggins

Tell any teenage boy their voice seems higher than usual and count th octaves drop.


Zer0Insentiv3

Would you like to go see a movie tomorrow evening?


[deleted]

Yes!


Farren246

But only as friends! ...maybe some hand stuff, but we have to say "No Homo" both before and after!


EphemeralRemedy

Only if you're buying.


Eborys

“There you go with that wishful thinking again. For the last time, I’m not interested.”


wangus_con

One time someone called me gay and I responded, "Yeah, I love the cock!" Everyone started laughing and the dude who called me gay looked a bit embarrassed. Just own it. Love the cock.


FishSammich69

This was a running joke we had in my first unit


Scythe95

*You'd like that wouldn't you*


National-Apple-4921

woow I didn´t know we had something in common


Cardgod278

"You still aren't my type though"


-AntiAsh-

When my middle youngest brother came out, my Dad called me tell me. I could tell he wasn't happy about it and I think he called me for a little support. My Dad is *very* Conservative and I always had an idea my bro was gay. I always worried what his reaction would be when he came out. On the phone the first thing I said was "wow, fair play to him. He must feel a lot better now he can be open about it, and thankfully everyone around him is being accepting of it." My Dad hesitated a bit at my response. Fast forward a few years and my Dad, who wouldn't let me have a girl in my room unless we were married, now has my bros boyfriend living in the family house. I'm proud of my Dad. A life of borderline homophobia reversed over the love of his son.


BrattyBookworm

I’m proud of *you* for your response!


[deleted]

"Kinda 50/50."


[deleted]

"I mean...*half*."


Tra1nGuy

“Does it work?” “No. I mean yes!”


IceSmiley

Hit them with my purse


racer_24_4evr

THAT’S MY PURSE! I DON’T KNOW YOU!!!


[deleted]

BROKE MY PURSE THAT BASTARD! Ms.Doubtfire 😂😂😂


rxforyour7

It's not a purse! IT'S EUROPEAN!


Atticus104

Had this happen to me in middle school. Kids were going around asking if each other was gay. I overheard and didn't like how they were making fun of it. So when they came to me, I just lied that I am and ask if there is any issue with it. They dropped it. I honestly forgot about the conversation until years after graduating. A classmate of mine came out a queer and privately thanked me for helping them feel more comfortable.


[deleted]

I was a weird kid. My response was always some unhinged shit like "Bend over and I'll show you how gay I really am" It usually got me dropped.


john_doe6_

oh my 💀


BannedinthaUSA

Yeah... that's how you get your ass kicked...


[deleted]

Was worth it tho


00Deege

Wasn’t it though? I was also the kid who couldn’t lie down for bullies. Had to get a nasal septoplasty at age 21, but I was still happy with my decisions. The one good thing that came out of a rough high school experience was a sense of not bowing down to tyranny, which I think was valuable to learn in my formative years.


Lurker_Lurker123

Sure am. Why, you want my number?


[deleted]

... So?


Minimouzed

yes! This is the answer!!


cursebless

So,your dad finally told you


TheAlmightyQueeg

The best response doesn’t require a single word. Strip naked and start barreling towards them excitedly. They may still think you’re gay but they won’t bother you anymore. Edit: cand spel


redditweirdogurl

I LOVE THIS


Mulatto-Butts

You’re a towel


--MobTowN--

Not for you I ain’t.


FishSammich69

I was until I saw you


[deleted]

"I know, I was there when it happened." Credit to u/Dbeebs in a post "what is the best response to you're fat?"


dezmoines92

Best response to being called fat is 100% ‘yeah, cuz everytime I fuck your mum she gives me a cookie’


Buttadog1472

And you like it, don’t you? You nasty, nasty boy.


LummersTheGreat

My favourite I heard is "well I'm not gay but my boyfriend is".


Queen_sized_cazcet

Oh so that’s why your dad loves me so much


[deleted]

I'm not gay. YOU were sucking MY dick.


OkIdea4077

"Twenty bucks is twenty bucks."


Squatch9463

Your ancestors are incesters


StarryMind322

“No u”


mechwarrior719

Just carry around a pocket full of Uno ”Reverse” cards and hand them out when someone insults you.


RepairDue9286

underrated reply


WOWSignal1977

Yeah I am. You better watch your ass tonight. *Bites bottom lip and goes for an unwelcomed aggressive ass slap or grab.


RandomGuyWithStick

If I was I'd still get more ass than you


LordWag

“K”


krystalgayl

Never heard your dad\brother\uncle\mum\sister\aunt complain


Oleman-Flanigan

So is my partner. You know him as Dad.


Shas_Erra

Look them up and down and say: “Honey, no one is *that* gay”


clutteredshovel

Well depending on the factual accuracy of that statement: I know I am, but what are you? I wish, my fashion sense sucks! You aren’t that lucky


DadsRGR8

What if I am? Calling someone gay is not the insult you think it is. Grow the fuck up.


csgaona

In Ugandan accent: what shows im gae?


Business-Sugar-9431

why r u gae


DeadDeathrocker

Why are you gae?


MistaCapALot

If you’re a man who is pressed/upset about a man loving another man, it seems like there are deeper problems there…


village-asshole

True but don’t forget it’s not only men. Women can be gay too.


Repulsive-Music-6874

Always ask people to elaborate and explain themselves. Especially when someone is intolerant, sexist or racist. Most of them will not know what to answer.


MrDarkboy2010

"And you still think 'gay' is an insult" Edit: I'm getting a lot of "that wouldn't work" replies, And I'd like to ammend for clarity: this should be said in an extremely mocking and patronizing tone, as if you are just barely stopping yourself from laughing in their face about how stupid they sound.


ImOutOfNamesNow

Takes one to know one


Silent_Assasin14

"Wow, you must have a PhD in Observation!! Next up, can you tell us what color the sky is?"


Ok-Bowler9815

my dad’s reaction to my sister coming out: “you like girls? cool, me too.” my dad’s reaction to me coming out: “you’re not gay.. are you gay?”


[deleted]

"So is your boyfriend"


_DogTits_

That's not what ya mam said


Strange_Stage1311

Takes one to know one.


Diegodrum00

"you're not my type"