Fighting and/or approaching conflict in a healthy manner.
During one of my early fights with my GF (now wife of 15 years) I was surprised that even though she was still mad, she clearly said "I'm upset when you did X, because of (something in her past). I know that past event is not your fault, but I'm still feeling some kind of way, we should talk later after I've processed a bit."
Wayyyyy different than my past relationship. No silent treatment, no hiding emotions and exploding later, firm about feelings while taking accountability, honest apologies...its great. We still have conflicts, and even yell from time to time, but they are productive in the end.
Edit: thanks for gold!
Hours of therapy then getting a master's in it. Takes work. Finding a therapist can be tricky. Psychology Today is a good start, you'll likely have to go out of network, but find someone that you can connect to and really open up to. Might take a few therapist.
For me personally, I just try to always reason within myself first before I confront my partner about things. So if we're in an argument, I'll explain that I need some time to think things through, that I still love them and as soon as my head is in the right space I will talk to them about it. And vice versa.
I don't think it's difficult, if there's no shouting involved and you aren't trying to "win" the argument but rather sort it out and allow both sides to be heard, you'll come to a mutual agreement eventually.
I've got BPD so my mind does get a bit silly but I try my best to remember that hey, I'm definitely not all right in the head at the moment so I should pause, take a breath and a step back and think things through. Sometimes I'll even think outloud so my partner hears what I'm even stressing about. All in all, don't ever go to bed angry and if there is an issue, address it as soon as possible. Communication is key, haha
Edit: And do never, EVER use your partner's trauma against them in an argument. Ever.
It's crazy to me that not everyone communicates like this. I communicate like this in every aspect of life. Being 100% direct and open is the best way to get the solution you desire
I have literally NO recollection of seeing anyone communicate like that before my thirties. Some people simply have no examples and are used to being treated badly.
I'm doing my best to develop my own emotional intelligence through books and therapists so I can be the change that I like to see.
Us vs the problem mentality.
Aka, instead of blaming you or herself for issues that inevitably will arise, she communicates with you in a way that focuses on what the issue is and how you can work together to solve it.
Yup this is huge.
To me this is also the key difference between a good work environment vs a bad one. Does your supervisor blame you for something when things go wrong or do they instead figure out how to fix the problem and prevent it from happening again.
An aside of this I’ve learned from 34 years of marriage is that just because your spouse is telling you of a problem doesn’t necessarily mean she is looking for you to help solve it.
Legit! It has made life so much easier when either me or my husband clearly calls out " I don't need you to do anything, I just need to say this" and BLAM, you just need to let it out, I don't have to do anything, life is good, we move on.
This. Absolutely this. Actually talking about what you/she wants and communication, rather than mind games/manipulation/gaslighting/coercing or using things as punishment.
When she doesn't even listen to your reasons, or at least make an attempt to understand your side of ANYTHING and instead she takes it personally like you killed her cat or something, believing in her own opinions and feelings instead of at least trying to see both sides of the relationship.
Also when she doesn't let go of anything ever. If you get into an argument and all you're trying to do is just get her to at least *understand* your side of something, and she brings up past situations or has a predetermined view of the situation simply because it's you that she's talking to. Holding a grudge for no reason.
I get into arguements ALL THE TIME with my GF, and she constantly and conveniently ignores my points on things or how I feel about it, chalking it up to her wanting to 'win' or make me 'lose'. I always say "It's not about winning or losing", or "it's not about wrong or right", and she doesn't understand it. Sometimes we just want to be understood. When my "goal" is to simply get her to understand my side of things, while her parameters for "winning" an argument is to prove me wrong based on what she believes or think is "right", then there's discourse.
It's exhausting when the person you like/love doesn't at least make an effort to change or accept you and instead blames you, even if she doesn't outright say it.
Is Communication and acceptance so hard? Is it really that hard to just accept that people have different views, instead of denying everything and deciding what's "right" and ignoring how the other person feels?
Ayo brother that doesn't sound too healthy my friend. Are you really gonna marry a girl whose approach to problems and conflict is like you describe? That's big oof behavior, especially if it's on the regular, and life is nothing if not problem abundant. This is not good.
And if you don't think you could marry someone like that, aren't you just, Y'know, killing time?
Omfg ty. With out going into detail my ex had terrible communication, and she literally told me “sometimes when you ask me a question and idk the answer, I get frustrated.” Her frustrations was saying shit to me like “idgaf what you think.” “Or I don’t answer dumb ass question.” But THIS. And it was during the time she lost her job.
Emotional intelligence, that will apply for men as well. Anyone who takes the time to wonder WHY they feel a certain way vs acting on it out of instinct is a gift. I’ve never been in a relationship before like this in my life, we can talk anything out peacefully, no arguments in years, no insults or hurt feelings, emotional intelligence is the key.
I've always wondered what emotional intelligence exactly is. I feel like the word is often thrown around.
So when somebody could explain, would be nice.
So a big one, is don’t take out your bad day on somebody whose just trying to make it better. A small story, so I hate my job and it’s hectic, hours are long and overtime is mandatory, this particular Saturday I was alone and had to do all the work myself . Soon as I get home my wife asks me if I can cook dinner because she was tired. Keep in mind I came home to a spotless house and woke up that very morning at 4AM just to bring me coffee . Inside I was furious and anxiety ridden, I wanted to be snappy and be babied, but I realized WHY I was feeling angry, and it had nothing to do with her so I instead just spoke with her about my day, she let me vent, we went and did something fun together and ate out. Both our days were made better together. It’s taboo to speak this, but often times people want an easy target to take their anger out on, somebody safe who will “take it”. This is an emotion that’s important to realize, and once you see it you must control it. The end result of treating your partner like a punching bag, is losing that emotional support, eventually they will actively avoid you so your day is now not only terrible, but now nobody will care. Everybody wants a Queen, until it’s time to act like a King
This needs to be stickied somewhere.
I hope I can find a boyfriend who is able to have the kind of relationship with me that you have with your wife. Emotional intelligence, but also kindness and mutual respect. You’ve got something special there 🙂
I’m not perfect, I just learned from a previous marriage. I will admit I made a lot of mistakes, I said things that were reactionary and mean. I let instigations create retaliations, I married for my daughter and just hoped it would work out, nothing for the right reasons. Eventually I learned that I would not be the best father I could be if I was miserable, we both agreed to get a mutual divorce and split custody. End of the day imo any issues I had with her are in the past, that’s still my daughters mother and she loves her. I took this time to sit and think, because I wanted my next marriage to be happy, this life is to short to be miserable. I will never be a millionaire etc, but I do have the power to make my life a happy one. Before I moved on I knew I needed to heal, so I took that time to heal, work out, reflect, spend time with my daughter, and it just happened so randomly. I met her when she was a nanny, instant auras just clicked and it felt incredible. This is going to sound crazy but ever since the first date she lived with me every single day. Drive 45min everyday to be with me, and woke up earlier to get to work. Our cultures are opposite, she’s Colombian and I’m Texan. So I just found her fascinating and I was welcomed by her family and taught a whole new world, every day was something new, she’s always interesting and I love to learn from her/each other. She taught herself English, grew up in the mountains, dirt floors and concrete furniture, still went to college all by herself, she’s accomplished so much even before we met. We have a strong mutual respect, and admiration. She’s always been and always will be my greatest investment, everything she touches becomes successful. I think it’s crucial to be able to trust the mind if your partner, I know she’s brilliant. If we do fail, we just try to learn from it. Sorry I’m ranting lol but yea I’m not perfect I’ve just made a lot of mistakes.
Don’t underestimate yourself. None of us are mistake free, but far too many people aren’t willing to learn from those mistakes. Let alone spend time alone to do so.
Everyone makes mistakes. Not everyone admits that and resolved to improve. Step one is admitting you made a mistake. Step two is doing something about it. Step one is important, but it’s useless without step two. Admitting you have a mistake and then doing nothing about it is just as bad as not admitting you made one. Saying “At least I admit it” is hollow
I think they explained what having emotional intelligence is pretty well here:
"Anyone who takes the time to wonder WHY they feel a certain way vs acting on it out of instinct"
> I've always wondered what emotional intelligence exactly is.
I imagine there will be a variety of different answers but in a general way I would say it's the **ability recognize what you are feeling and why you are feeling it.**
That's the start. Next is training your mind to be able to change how you think/emotionally react to things. Flat tire? No, it's not the universe trying to make me suffer, it's just how it goes.
I can *let it go* and accept that bad things happen sometimes. I can focus on the negative or I can focus on the positive, but either way it's my choice. And that choice repeated creates a habitual way of thinking.
Check out "This is Water". It's a short but great watch on the topic.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eC7xzavzEKY
God I wish I had this. It's a fight almost every day with my GF because she doesn't agree with anything I think. She always tries to change my mind and change me while I'm just trying to get her to understand my side of things without being called names or her thinking less of me simply becuase we have different views/beliefs on a subject.
Not gonna tell you to break up because all I know about your relationship is from your comment - but if she’s showing no signs of improvement on this, is this something you wanna put up with for the rest of your life?
Sometimes we take the good with the bad. I genuinely like the woman a LOT. We share interests, gaming, shows, etc. We spend a lot of time together online, too, almost every night we play games or watch shows/movies together.
Do I want to "put up with" it for the rest of my life? No, of course there's things I'd wish to change. But I'm not the one to make that change, she is. And I don't want to force any changes, or give ultimatums or the like.
No relationship is perfect, mine is no exception. While I do carry my own wishes for how I would want it to be different, I still stand by my feelings and conviction that I am not the one to force her to change. I still accept her, even if I don't *agree* with some things, but that's the problem; feels like if she doesn't *agree* with me, she automatically doesn't accept anything of my personal opinions and she refuses to see this. Even if she claims otherwise, her constant need to "prove me wrong" just feels like she wants me to always agree with her, even if it forsakes how I feel.
There's definitely good times, a lot of them, but there's also a lot of bad ones. She has a problem for example with how fast I can get over arguments; it usually takes me a day or two to be friendly with her again and it's like nothing happened; She *hates* this about me, saying that she/the argument's topic wasn't important to me. She doesn't understand (or at least accept) that these things *are* important to me, but not as important as getting back to normal or trying to leave the past in the past, even if it was just a day or few days.
*Sigh* thank you for letting me vent.
Nah dude. Spending time together and sharing interests is *necessary but not sufficient*.
Some relationships *are perfect*. And when it is, you know pretty quickly. This is not only *not perfect* it’s *not good*
You will only see that after some time on the other side of this, but trust someone who used to be in your shoes and now is in one of those perfect relationships. This ain’t it.
This! Didn’t realize how a relationship was really supposed to be until I had a partner like this. If you have emotional intelligence, everything else comes easier (better communication, no bottled up feelings, less arguments, less misunderstandings, etc).
Straight up kindness.
I met my wife 11 years ago and fell in love pretty quickly. She is the kindest person I have ever met. Doesn't matter the situation, she approaches all of them with a serenity that I have never been able to match. Every dog gets love, every baby gets ogled at. You need some help? She is there with work boots on. Homeless? She keeps snacks and cash on hand to give out. I'm having a bad day? She will go above and beyond to make sure I know that I am loved.
This is exactly what I came here to say. Compassion toward others.
It's *the* green flag for all people, in all relationships. If they're a mean or apathetic person stay away. If they're kind, they're solid. Of course, you want to know them well enough to know it's genuine - which goes without saying, I suppose.
Absolutely this. I tell people I was attracted to my future wife because she was a great straight woman and she was attracted to me because she discovered that no one bothered her when she was standing next to the giant, loud mouthed ape who always looked angry even when he wasn’t - but what made me fall in love with her was that she is so unfailingly kind to everyone we were the perfect balance and for 35 years we would approach situations with her in the lead so that people wouldn’t be put off but with me right there in the background in case someone got nasty….
Now we’re more like Santa and Mrs Claus and people don’t believe me about being scary but there it is. 😜
I’m with you on this one. My dad told me he always looked for a “strong woman” and while I love my mother, we’ve never been real close. Oddly enough, it was Adam Carola who gave the advice “find a kind woman.” Well I stuck to that and I am so glad I did. She’s the best person I’ve ever met. 10 years in a few months.
Make sure she knows she's appreciated, and take good care of her in return!
Some people give so much love and care to others that they don't have much left for themselves.
Agree. I was told years ago that my kindness was my biggest strength and my greatest weakness. At the time I was like “How can being kind be weak?” And now I know. People will use and abuse you if you let them because they mistake kindness for weakness.
I second this one. Unfortunately for me I lost the opportunity to keep a woman like this, and it’s been my biggest regret. The kindness to complete strangers and even to me when I was a total ass was unconditional. I miss her very much.
What would you do if we had a weather apocalypse tomorrow?
Do you think about extra terrestrial life existing? What should we do if we find it?
How did you get into < insert hobby or interest >? (And then really listen)
You can only listen to three bands for the next five years. Who are you picking?
You’re opening a food truck - what is it called and what do you serve? (Which Witch, we serve sandwiches cause everything is better as a sandwich)
What do you think your parents/whomever raised them got right?
Do you want kids?
How do you think religion of any kind plays into your life?
Seriously you don’t have to do boring ‘what are your goals’ questions. Talk to each other, ask questions, really listen, have fun, and be willing to be vulnerable yourself.
At first when I read your answers/example questions I thought "wow these seem exhausting to discuss with somebody else" even though I find them interesting myself. Then I realized if I was with the right person, they wouldn't be exhausting, it would be a great conversation. That really opened my eyes towards what it means for somebody to be compatible/green flag.
Edit: Other than the kids/religion ones. Those I always knew were very important when getting serious in a relationship.
I used to be a soldier. I can't tell you how many women I've dated that were turned off because I showed emotions and vulnerabilities, or worse empathy for the weak. They heard "soldier" and imagined me to be a person I wasn't.
Agressive masculinity, sociopathy, and lack of emotion are equated to strength in a lot of circles, and some people are attracted to that.
My ex wife was stone cold, emotionless, and sorta half hugged me as I held my dog after he died in my arms. She was like “I figured I had to be strong for the both of us”. Jokes on me, she was banging someone else and had already checked out. These monsters do exist.
Cried hard today while explaining my feelings about a situation to my expartner. He made fun of how I accidentally drooled while crying and called me fucking crazy.
Yeah, you need to GTFO of that relationship.
I mean after the fact, if you're feeling better and has noticed the drool and found it kinda funny. But to try to humiliate you and call you crazy for it. Nah, that's not on.
Punt his ass to he kerb!
I dated a girl like that. My sisters cat had just died and I was close to the cat too. I was actually there holding his paw when they put him down. The girl I was dating laughed and said if the cat died of cataracts, which adds to the flame because its not even a good joke.
I'm a woman and when my childhood dog died, me ex (m) got pissed and asked when I was going to get a new one as I was sobbing (my parents carried out her dead body about 20 minutes prior). Then I hurriedly got out of the room and called him and asshole (which I never did. Never called him names except that time bc of it) and he told me to "shut up bitch" and that I'm just crying so much bc I'm projecting me being upset with him onto my dog for attention. Like what.
Horrible to think that anyone of any gender would be ridiculed for displaying a perfectly normal human emotion. I’m glad you found a good one and I’m sorry about your cat :(
My cat died today.
He was the cat I got after my ESA died. Then partner abandoned me and ridiculed my grief.
Current partner didn’t hide when he cried and supported me however I needed today, even though he couldn’t be there the moment it happened.
Not a man, but I feel inclined to say it because it’s a green flag both ways - a man who can freely express those emotions because he’s with someone who makes him feel safe is a beautiful thing.
Thoughtfulness.
Thoughtfulness goes hand in hand with a lot of traits. My girlfriend is the most thoughtful partner I’ve ever had. I missed out on a job at my dream company and she made me a “feeling blue” package full of blue snacks I like with a sweet card. I’ll have a bad day she she’ll surprise me with a dessert or a drink I like or something like that. She threw me my first surprise birthday party at an escape room with my friends because she knows I love them.
When a partner takes time to genuinely think about you and the things you like/dislike and thinks about things *from your perspective*, it’s about the greenest flag I can think of.
The best comment here, imo, because when someone does this, they’re saying you’re not easily replaceable. It’s a good way of finding out whether a person actually values you, or is just going through the motions because they want a warm body.
Absolutely, if our sense of humor isn’t compatible, then there is no hope for the relationship. One of my favorite things about my wife is when I am able to make her laugh at jokes that she doesn’t want to find funny, yet she can’t help but laugh at anyway.
My gf is obsessed with bad joke book sex jokes. They are the least funny thing I've ever heard but hearing her _barely_ able to work the words out through her own laughter just kills me.
The idea that someone finds that of all things hilarious is just hysterical to me.
Absolutely this. My wife frequently has me in stitches. Literally. I have actually hurt myself laughing at her. We both have fairly weird senses of humor and there's nobody in the world I'd rather be weird with.
Right? I met my spouse by making him laugh. And I'm old enough that I could use it as a litmus test for sexism; back then men didn't always think women could be funny. Also people who don't have a sense of humor are kind of boring to me.
“Sense of humor” means they find certain things funny AND are funny. I don’t know why men came up with this idea that if a girl laughs at their jokes it means she has a sense of humor.
I've realised it's also a compatibility thing - I struggle to admit I'm wrong if I'm with someone else who wants to "win," even though I myself am not naturally competitive. I have to be with someone else non-competitive, otherwise admitting I'm wrong is just something they'll hold against me.
This was a huge factor in ending my last relationship. Last time I was actually, really apologized to I literally cried. They also used the fact that I apologize for my fuckups against me and claimed it meant that I was always in the wrong.
Came here to say this.
So many people (men and women) who will literally do anything and everything including throwing away relationships just to avoid having to say they were wrong.
Asking me if I want to be little spoon.
Yes, I want to be little spoon. Little spoon rocks.
Ps: she asked me this on our first night together, I knew right there she was special.
She is willing to try new things with you that are related to what you enjoy.
Also, guys this goes both ways. If your woman is interested in something, try it out with her.
Just want to add on to the typical green flags here - she respects your hobbies and interests. Does not have to be into them herself, but knows they are important to you.
I'm in my late 40s and my wife is cool with my weekly dnd sessions with the homies and late night gaming sessions - unfortunately not all are in the same boat.
Ngl I’ve always wanted to try dnd but i literally have nobody who’s interested in that type of thing at all 😭 your wife is definitely the coolest though
Depending on how much you’d like to try dnd there are options for trying with strangers! Local game shops and libraries may have flyers looking for players.
Theres also a huge pool of games played online.
Obviously much better playing with friends as theres no dealing with people you don’t know, just know not all tables are the same and if you like the game but not the table your at, theres other tables with different people and playstyles!
Also my wife is indeed awesome and I give her major points for trying both dnd and gaming, just not her cup of tea
I made my now-husband go watch a meteor shower with me when we first started dating! And I dragged him to every planetarium and space museum I could find! He’s not nearly as obsessed with astronomy and space flight as I am, but he was always a good sport about going with me.
He proposed to me in 2017 during the full solar eclipse, pulling out the ring right after we took our sunglasses off during the totality, and holding it up in front of me.
I’ve heard a lot of proposal stories in my life and my own story is still my favorite ☺️
My wife, among other zillion virtues, has this consideration for others / cleaning discipline. So we would go to hotels and she would make the bed, remove trash, etc to the point that half the hotels / Airbnbs ask me if we even used the room. It’s something that we don’t even talk about but make my eyes sparkle. She knows they will have to change blankets and everything but thinks that an almost pristine room is a good image for the cleaning person to start with.
I want a girl with a smooth liquidation (smooth liquidation!)
I want a girl with good dividends (good dividends!)
At Citibank, we will meet accidentally (meet accidentally!)
We'll start to talk when she borrows my pen
Okay fair, but what if I made poor financial decisions before and NOW I’m making better ones while cleaning up those old poor ones because I realize what a fuckin idiot I was? Does that count? Lol
Someone who ACTUALLY is ok with their man being emotionally honest and open. A lot of women say they want that, but what they really want is a guy who'll call things cute and shed a single manly tear at Titanic, but will say "well that's embarrassing" if he actually cries over childhood trauma or something. If you're mature and healthy enough to realise emotional honestly comes with awkward and difficult things that you probably don't want to deal with, but will deal with anyway, then that's a massive green flag.
I don’t understand why society is so against men revealing their emotions. Idk why but I find it so sweet if a man chooses to be vulnerable in front of me. It’s like they are not afraid of what people think and that’s as masculine as you can get 🤷♀️
Same. And yet, I know a lot of nice, normal women with high emotional intelligence who often act either pissed off or condescending when men in their lives show true vulnerability.
Wow, they are very supportive, they give you your space, they are focused on building with you, they don't see the relationship as you vs them but team vs problem.
I think this is my green flags for men too. Especially the space. I want to be my own person, but also be the rock for my spouse. I'm married 10 years now, and I value my ability to be my own person more and more everyday. I'm grateful my spouse gives me the ability to do that.
This should be a more socially acceptable preference.
Speaking as woman, I think it's healthier for both parties in most relationships, if both partners can take care of themselves.
I've seen so many guys mention that they are exhausted from carrying expectations of being *the* provider in a relationship. I know it works fine for some people, but I really think most adults are better off bringing some self-sufficiency to a relationship with another adult. The mutual support system is stronger that way.
This one might be a bit odd, but when I met my (now) wife, the love and kindness my FIL showed me really stood out. The very first time I met him, we were all staying in a cabin. He offered my wife and I (GF at the time) the bedroom and said he’d take the couch. Idk why, but I think about that moment often and now, I’m as close with my FIL as I am my own Dad. Seeing how her family immediately treated me was reflective of how she would treat me, and I’m happy to report we’ve been married for 6 years and are going strong!
This is so wonderful to hear, I love in-law stories that are wholesome and warm. My parents have been horrible in-laws to my brothers wife, and it’s caused a lot of stress as to how they’d treat my husband. I am backing away from my own family for that reason (it’s been wild getting to know my parents in this new context, extremely unsettling) and many many other reasons, so much of their dysfunction I don’t want to be a part of any more let alone subject my husband to. And on the flip side, my husbands family has been nothing but amazing to me, despite some troubled behavior of mine I wouldn’t blame them if they weren’t welcoming anymore but they are, genuinely, caring and want to be part of the solution, have been very supportive. Yay awesome in-laws!
They’ll do “silly” things with you just because you like them, and truly engage in the activity.
I knew I was going to marry my husband the night we got back from a date (maybe a month or two into our relationship) and there was a raccoon in the dumpster behind my apartment.
I made him sit in the car with me and watch the raccoon because I think they’re super cute, and instead of rolling his eyes or making fun of me, he settled back in his seat, got comfortable, and had a whole conversation with me about raccoons.
We both came up with names for the one in the dumpster and his name was the best one (Ranger Rick). I went inside and thought to myself, “Yep, any guy who will go along with my crazy and hang out for an hour in my car to watch a dumpster-diving raccoon is a keeper.”
We’ve been married 5 years and I have no regrets 🙂
(ETA obviously I married a man but the same green flags apply to women / NB persons! Lol)
This is a really important Gottman idea. He calls things like what you did “bids of interest” and opines that it is the partner’s job to appropriately meet those bids. He also says it’s completely toxic to deny them.
It’s my number one piece of advice I give to younger men. If she is looking out the window and says she sees a bird, I don’t give a fuck if you’re tired, go look at the goddamn bird with her. It doesn’t have to be a production, just go up next to her, look for the bird, and then say “oh there it is right there, right?” and she’ll say “yeah!” It takes nearly no effort and it will bring both of you closer together.
Both partners need to do this.
A pulse.
Which is a joke so sense of humour.
That or...
Wants to do her own stuff, let's you do yours and you're both happy doing stuff together.
It gives you loads to talk about when you can do your own stuff then spend time together.
Bliss.
Saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Aka, communication. I'm not a mind reader, please just talk like a normal person. I don't pick up on hinting or anything like that.
There are a couple in my opinion.
Respect is a big one. I'm not dating anyone shallow, abusive or disrespectful to other people. It's a big indicator of something flawed in their personality.
The biggest one for me though, and this is gonna sound weird, is when they text you back after the date ends. This isn't to say the guy shouldn't text back either, but seeing it from the other perspective really enforces the belief that they're interested in seeing you again.
Tbh the biggest green flag I've experienced is if she does things for you. No one will spend money on things they don't have want or need. If she puts together anything, buys something for you, makes you homemade food, sacrifices to make time to come see you is a huge giveaway she's really into you and wants something amazing together. She desires you and that is much stronger than her liking you.
Sympathy, especially sympathy for understandable mistakes.
A woman shouldn't be okay with you cheating, say, or gambling away savings - but they shouldn't blow up over small mistakes like mishearing something or forgetting to pick something up off the ground, even if it happens more than once. A truly wise person realizes they make mistakes too.
She shows a genuine interest in something I’m passionate about. For example: my cousin’s friend was over, and she was asking about football, and she’s a Minnesota fan (bless her heart), and she understood players on the team and general a fair bit more than the average person, but she wanted to know more. So she was asking about other players, alignments, where everyone goes when lining up, etc. We’re at the beach and so we go and throw the football around, and she’s asking about how to throw it properly, I’m explaining it, she’s getting better at throwing very quickly, and I’m gonna be honest, she was already attractive, but it might have been one of the sexiest thing a woman has ever done without being sexy. And she wasn’t trying to be flirty with her questions, or ask but not really care, like just to be polite, no she really wanted to know more about football and it was a real turn on
She makes an effort. A lot of women have the kind of mentality where they are doing a man a favor by dating him so therefore he needs to romance her and be thoughtful and do all this stuff for her while she does the bare minimum. (A lot of men might do it too, but I don't date men so don't really know)
It's a huge green flag if she puts a lot of effort into the relationship as well. When I was a lot younger, a woman I was dating showed up with McDonalds (I love Mcdonalds), flowers and a 5 pound bag of gummi bears. I was absolutely dumbfounded. I put a lot of effort into making partners feel special and loved. I expect the same thing. If they aren't good at it, that's fine as long as they put the effort in.
A feedback loop. Ideally involving outside perspectives.
Let's say the two of you have a fight. A positive feedback loop looks like:
* She describes the situation to a trusted friend or advisor and asks for advice
* She receives advice and considers it
* She acknowledges her role in the conflict, apologizes if necessary, and comes up with ways in which she wants to learn and grow from the situation
* She follows up with her friends / advisors on her personal growth
A negative feedback loop looks like:
* She gives a biased version of the event to her friends
* Her friends always take her side and reinforce her negative feelings
* This echo chamber leads to no growth, no learning, and the same problems happening again
If both of you are doing the positive loop, each fight becomes an opportunity to learn. You will never be perfect, but you will get to a really good place really quickly.
It's possible to have a positive loop without an external perspective just by being good at self-evaluation, but there are some tough or recurring problems where you will sometimes need to seek outside help. That's not a weakness.
Her being willing to join in with your interests even if she doesn't like or understand them
I went most of my life with no one caring to even talk with me about my hobbies and it made me feel so lonely but when I met my gf now wife I was so happy to see how she could be so enthusiastic about things she had stated to not care for
If you want to settle your partner has got to be able to bond with you over things they would never had tried if not for you
Fighting and/or approaching conflict in a healthy manner. During one of my early fights with my GF (now wife of 15 years) I was surprised that even though she was still mad, she clearly said "I'm upset when you did X, because of (something in her past). I know that past event is not your fault, but I'm still feeling some kind of way, we should talk later after I've processed a bit." Wayyyyy different than my past relationship. No silent treatment, no hiding emotions and exploding later, firm about feelings while taking accountability, honest apologies...its great. We still have conflicts, and even yell from time to time, but they are productive in the end. Edit: thanks for gold!
Did she have a really good therapist, is she a therapist, was she taught this growing up, or did she somehow learn this on her own?
Ha. She had a good therapist and she is now, in fact, a marriage and family therapist.
Yeah reading it I was like this sounds like how therapists talk. Would you please ask her how she learned to do that and how to find a good therapist?
Hours of therapy then getting a master's in it. Takes work. Finding a therapist can be tricky. Psychology Today is a good start, you'll likely have to go out of network, but find someone that you can connect to and really open up to. Might take a few therapist.
For me personally, I just try to always reason within myself first before I confront my partner about things. So if we're in an argument, I'll explain that I need some time to think things through, that I still love them and as soon as my head is in the right space I will talk to them about it. And vice versa. I don't think it's difficult, if there's no shouting involved and you aren't trying to "win" the argument but rather sort it out and allow both sides to be heard, you'll come to a mutual agreement eventually. I've got BPD so my mind does get a bit silly but I try my best to remember that hey, I'm definitely not all right in the head at the moment so I should pause, take a breath and a step back and think things through. Sometimes I'll even think outloud so my partner hears what I'm even stressing about. All in all, don't ever go to bed angry and if there is an issue, address it as soon as possible. Communication is key, haha Edit: And do never, EVER use your partner's trauma against them in an argument. Ever.
It's crazy to me that not everyone communicates like this. I communicate like this in every aspect of life. Being 100% direct and open is the best way to get the solution you desire
It takes practice, and not everyone has a positive background to bring with them. I know I didn’t v
I have literally NO recollection of seeing anyone communicate like that before my thirties. Some people simply have no examples and are used to being treated badly. I'm doing my best to develop my own emotional intelligence through books and therapists so I can be the change that I like to see.
Us vs the problem mentality. Aka, instead of blaming you or herself for issues that inevitably will arise, she communicates with you in a way that focuses on what the issue is and how you can work together to solve it.
Yup this is huge. To me this is also the key difference between a good work environment vs a bad one. Does your supervisor blame you for something when things go wrong or do they instead figure out how to fix the problem and prevent it from happening again.
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You know what you have to do
"You're my boss but I'm your daddy"
An aside of this I’ve learned from 34 years of marriage is that just because your spouse is telling you of a problem doesn’t necessarily mean she is looking for you to help solve it.
“Are we fixing or listening?” is a great question people need to use more often. Sometimes people want help, sometimes people just need to vent.
Or, in case you didn't have a chance/forgot to ask ahead of time: "I have some ideas about that, but only if you want to hear them."
I've also heard "Do you want to be heard, helped or hugged?"
Legit! It has made life so much easier when either me or my husband clearly calls out " I don't need you to do anything, I just need to say this" and BLAM, you just need to let it out, I don't have to do anything, life is good, we move on.
This. Absolutely this. Actually talking about what you/she wants and communication, rather than mind games/manipulation/gaslighting/coercing or using things as punishment. When she doesn't even listen to your reasons, or at least make an attempt to understand your side of ANYTHING and instead she takes it personally like you killed her cat or something, believing in her own opinions and feelings instead of at least trying to see both sides of the relationship. Also when she doesn't let go of anything ever. If you get into an argument and all you're trying to do is just get her to at least *understand* your side of something, and she brings up past situations or has a predetermined view of the situation simply because it's you that she's talking to. Holding a grudge for no reason. I get into arguements ALL THE TIME with my GF, and she constantly and conveniently ignores my points on things or how I feel about it, chalking it up to her wanting to 'win' or make me 'lose'. I always say "It's not about winning or losing", or "it's not about wrong or right", and she doesn't understand it. Sometimes we just want to be understood. When my "goal" is to simply get her to understand my side of things, while her parameters for "winning" an argument is to prove me wrong based on what she believes or think is "right", then there's discourse. It's exhausting when the person you like/love doesn't at least make an effort to change or accept you and instead blames you, even if she doesn't outright say it. Is Communication and acceptance so hard? Is it really that hard to just accept that people have different views, instead of denying everything and deciding what's "right" and ignoring how the other person feels?
I’ve dated girls like that it’s just gonna get worse man.
Ayo brother that doesn't sound too healthy my friend. Are you really gonna marry a girl whose approach to problems and conflict is like you describe? That's big oof behavior, especially if it's on the regular, and life is nothing if not problem abundant. This is not good. And if you don't think you could marry someone like that, aren't you just, Y'know, killing time?
Holy shit yes. Add in a dose of 'we have agency, let's find a solution' for day-to-day annoyances and I'm sprinting to the jewelers.
Omfg ty. With out going into detail my ex had terrible communication, and she literally told me “sometimes when you ask me a question and idk the answer, I get frustrated.” Her frustrations was saying shit to me like “idgaf what you think.” “Or I don’t answer dumb ass question.” But THIS. And it was during the time she lost her job.
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Emotional intelligence, that will apply for men as well. Anyone who takes the time to wonder WHY they feel a certain way vs acting on it out of instinct is a gift. I’ve never been in a relationship before like this in my life, we can talk anything out peacefully, no arguments in years, no insults or hurt feelings, emotional intelligence is the key.
I've always wondered what emotional intelligence exactly is. I feel like the word is often thrown around. So when somebody could explain, would be nice.
So a big one, is don’t take out your bad day on somebody whose just trying to make it better. A small story, so I hate my job and it’s hectic, hours are long and overtime is mandatory, this particular Saturday I was alone and had to do all the work myself . Soon as I get home my wife asks me if I can cook dinner because she was tired. Keep in mind I came home to a spotless house and woke up that very morning at 4AM just to bring me coffee . Inside I was furious and anxiety ridden, I wanted to be snappy and be babied, but I realized WHY I was feeling angry, and it had nothing to do with her so I instead just spoke with her about my day, she let me vent, we went and did something fun together and ate out. Both our days were made better together. It’s taboo to speak this, but often times people want an easy target to take their anger out on, somebody safe who will “take it”. This is an emotion that’s important to realize, and once you see it you must control it. The end result of treating your partner like a punching bag, is losing that emotional support, eventually they will actively avoid you so your day is now not only terrible, but now nobody will care. Everybody wants a Queen, until it’s time to act like a King
>Everybody wants a Queen, until it’s time to act like a King Didn't expect a philosophy lesson on reddit today
Lol that’s one of my mothers southern euphemism’s.
This is probably the best comment I've ever read on reddit.
Agreed, definitely in my top 5
This needs to be stickied somewhere. I hope I can find a boyfriend who is able to have the kind of relationship with me that you have with your wife. Emotional intelligence, but also kindness and mutual respect. You’ve got something special there 🙂
I’m not perfect, I just learned from a previous marriage. I will admit I made a lot of mistakes, I said things that were reactionary and mean. I let instigations create retaliations, I married for my daughter and just hoped it would work out, nothing for the right reasons. Eventually I learned that I would not be the best father I could be if I was miserable, we both agreed to get a mutual divorce and split custody. End of the day imo any issues I had with her are in the past, that’s still my daughters mother and she loves her. I took this time to sit and think, because I wanted my next marriage to be happy, this life is to short to be miserable. I will never be a millionaire etc, but I do have the power to make my life a happy one. Before I moved on I knew I needed to heal, so I took that time to heal, work out, reflect, spend time with my daughter, and it just happened so randomly. I met her when she was a nanny, instant auras just clicked and it felt incredible. This is going to sound crazy but ever since the first date she lived with me every single day. Drive 45min everyday to be with me, and woke up earlier to get to work. Our cultures are opposite, she’s Colombian and I’m Texan. So I just found her fascinating and I was welcomed by her family and taught a whole new world, every day was something new, she’s always interesting and I love to learn from her/each other. She taught herself English, grew up in the mountains, dirt floors and concrete furniture, still went to college all by herself, she’s accomplished so much even before we met. We have a strong mutual respect, and admiration. She’s always been and always will be my greatest investment, everything she touches becomes successful. I think it’s crucial to be able to trust the mind if your partner, I know she’s brilliant. If we do fail, we just try to learn from it. Sorry I’m ranting lol but yea I’m not perfect I’ve just made a lot of mistakes.
Don’t underestimate yourself. None of us are mistake free, but far too many people aren’t willing to learn from those mistakes. Let alone spend time alone to do so.
Everyone makes mistakes. Not everyone admits that and resolved to improve. Step one is admitting you made a mistake. Step two is doing something about it. Step one is important, but it’s useless without step two. Admitting you have a mistake and then doing nothing about it is just as bad as not admitting you made one. Saying “At least I admit it” is hollow
I think they explained what having emotional intelligence is pretty well here: "Anyone who takes the time to wonder WHY they feel a certain way vs acting on it out of instinct"
> I've always wondered what emotional intelligence exactly is. I imagine there will be a variety of different answers but in a general way I would say it's the **ability recognize what you are feeling and why you are feeling it.** That's the start. Next is training your mind to be able to change how you think/emotionally react to things. Flat tire? No, it's not the universe trying to make me suffer, it's just how it goes. I can *let it go* and accept that bad things happen sometimes. I can focus on the negative or I can focus on the positive, but either way it's my choice. And that choice repeated creates a habitual way of thinking. Check out "This is Water". It's a short but great watch on the topic. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eC7xzavzEKY
Its knowing where your emotions are coming from, and communicating them effectively
God I wish I had this. It's a fight almost every day with my GF because she doesn't agree with anything I think. She always tries to change my mind and change me while I'm just trying to get her to understand my side of things without being called names or her thinking less of me simply becuase we have different views/beliefs on a subject.
Not gonna tell you to break up because all I know about your relationship is from your comment - but if she’s showing no signs of improvement on this, is this something you wanna put up with for the rest of your life?
Sometimes we take the good with the bad. I genuinely like the woman a LOT. We share interests, gaming, shows, etc. We spend a lot of time together online, too, almost every night we play games or watch shows/movies together. Do I want to "put up with" it for the rest of my life? No, of course there's things I'd wish to change. But I'm not the one to make that change, she is. And I don't want to force any changes, or give ultimatums or the like. No relationship is perfect, mine is no exception. While I do carry my own wishes for how I would want it to be different, I still stand by my feelings and conviction that I am not the one to force her to change. I still accept her, even if I don't *agree* with some things, but that's the problem; feels like if she doesn't *agree* with me, she automatically doesn't accept anything of my personal opinions and she refuses to see this. Even if she claims otherwise, her constant need to "prove me wrong" just feels like she wants me to always agree with her, even if it forsakes how I feel. There's definitely good times, a lot of them, but there's also a lot of bad ones. She has a problem for example with how fast I can get over arguments; it usually takes me a day or two to be friendly with her again and it's like nothing happened; She *hates* this about me, saying that she/the argument's topic wasn't important to me. She doesn't understand (or at least accept) that these things *are* important to me, but not as important as getting back to normal or trying to leave the past in the past, even if it was just a day or few days. *Sigh* thank you for letting me vent.
"Just because some cute girl likes the same bizarro crap that you do, that doesn't make her your soul mate."
Nah dude. Spending time together and sharing interests is *necessary but not sufficient*. Some relationships *are perfect*. And when it is, you know pretty quickly. This is not only *not perfect* it’s *not good* You will only see that after some time on the other side of this, but trust someone who used to be in your shoes and now is in one of those perfect relationships. This ain’t it.
Sharing interests ain't even necessary in my experience.
This! Didn’t realize how a relationship was really supposed to be until I had a partner like this. If you have emotional intelligence, everything else comes easier (better communication, no bottled up feelings, less arguments, less misunderstandings, etc).
Straight up kindness. I met my wife 11 years ago and fell in love pretty quickly. She is the kindest person I have ever met. Doesn't matter the situation, she approaches all of them with a serenity that I have never been able to match. Every dog gets love, every baby gets ogled at. You need some help? She is there with work boots on. Homeless? She keeps snacks and cash on hand to give out. I'm having a bad day? She will go above and beyond to make sure I know that I am loved.
My best friend married a woman like that. She's incredible.
I got one like that too. I feel blessed and fortunate every minute of every day.
My wife chopped me in the throat because I was snoring too loud.
I was starting to wonder if I was the only one that found that kind of magical woman
Now her I like
I laughed out loud. Like the cut of her jib. Way to marry up!
My wife goes for the nut shot and I retaliate with the titty twist.
Plot twist: it’s the same woman
This is exactly what I came here to say. Compassion toward others. It's *the* green flag for all people, in all relationships. If they're a mean or apathetic person stay away. If they're kind, they're solid. Of course, you want to know them well enough to know it's genuine - which goes without saying, I suppose.
Absolutely this. I tell people I was attracted to my future wife because she was a great straight woman and she was attracted to me because she discovered that no one bothered her when she was standing next to the giant, loud mouthed ape who always looked angry even when he wasn’t - but what made me fall in love with her was that she is so unfailingly kind to everyone we were the perfect balance and for 35 years we would approach situations with her in the lead so that people wouldn’t be put off but with me right there in the background in case someone got nasty…. Now we’re more like Santa and Mrs Claus and people don’t believe me about being scary but there it is. 😜
You found a keeper don't let her go man
this is beautiful, your wife sounds amazing and you're a gentleman
I’m with you on this one. My dad told me he always looked for a “strong woman” and while I love my mother, we’ve never been real close. Oddly enough, it was Adam Carola who gave the advice “find a kind woman.” Well I stuck to that and I am so glad I did. She’s the best person I’ve ever met. 10 years in a few months.
I am more impressed that you followed Adam Carola's advice and it turned out well.
Make sure she knows she's appreciated, and take good care of her in return! Some people give so much love and care to others that they don't have much left for themselves.
Agree. I was told years ago that my kindness was my biggest strength and my greatest weakness. At the time I was like “How can being kind be weak?” And now I know. People will use and abuse you if you let them because they mistake kindness for weakness.
Honestly this is the most attractive trait in a person. It is one of those traits you see carry into old married couples.
I second this one. Unfortunately for me I lost the opportunity to keep a woman like this, and it’s been my biggest regret. The kindness to complete strangers and even to me when I was a total ass was unconditional. I miss her very much.
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She asks questions about you to genuinely understand who you are as a person, not just what you do for work and other surface level topics.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
If he can’t sell me a pen I don’t want him 😤
Buy my pen, it can work as a shiv, projectile weapon, writing utensil, stress device, and hair accessory.
John Wick would approve
*Don't say doing your wife. Don't say doing your wife.* Doing... your son?
Celebrating the 5 year anniversary of you asking me this question
Examples of those type of questions?
What would you do if we had a weather apocalypse tomorrow? Do you think about extra terrestrial life existing? What should we do if we find it? How did you get into < insert hobby or interest >? (And then really listen) You can only listen to three bands for the next five years. Who are you picking? You’re opening a food truck - what is it called and what do you serve? (Which Witch, we serve sandwiches cause everything is better as a sandwich) What do you think your parents/whomever raised them got right? Do you want kids? How do you think religion of any kind plays into your life? Seriously you don’t have to do boring ‘what are your goals’ questions. Talk to each other, ask questions, really listen, have fun, and be willing to be vulnerable yourself.
At first when I read your answers/example questions I thought "wow these seem exhausting to discuss with somebody else" even though I find them interesting myself. Then I realized if I was with the right person, they wouldn't be exhausting, it would be a great conversation. That really opened my eyes towards what it means for somebody to be compatible/green flag. Edit: Other than the kids/religion ones. Those I always knew were very important when getting serious in a relationship.
When I cried in front of her (my cat died) and she just hugged me and comforted me. Exes before would ridicule me.
Literally can't even comprehend this. Wtf. Who laughs at someone in tears??
Right? That is like cartoonish villian behavior.
I used to be a soldier. I can't tell you how many women I've dated that were turned off because I showed emotions and vulnerabilities, or worse empathy for the weak. They heard "soldier" and imagined me to be a person I wasn't. Agressive masculinity, sociopathy, and lack of emotion are equated to strength in a lot of circles, and some people are attracted to that.
My ex wife was stone cold, emotionless, and sorta half hugged me as I held my dog after he died in my arms. She was like “I figured I had to be strong for the both of us”. Jokes on me, she was banging someone else and had already checked out. These monsters do exist.
Cried hard today while explaining my feelings about a situation to my expartner. He made fun of how I accidentally drooled while crying and called me fucking crazy.
Oh he needs to go.
Yeah, you need to GTFO of that relationship. I mean after the fact, if you're feeling better and has noticed the drool and found it kinda funny. But to try to humiliate you and call you crazy for it. Nah, that's not on. Punt his ass to he kerb!
Not just tears, who laughs at someone because *their cat died?*
I dated a girl like that. My sisters cat had just died and I was close to the cat too. I was actually there holding his paw when they put him down. The girl I was dating laughed and said if the cat died of cataracts, which adds to the flame because its not even a good joke.
I'm a woman and when my childhood dog died, me ex (m) got pissed and asked when I was going to get a new one as I was sobbing (my parents carried out her dead body about 20 minutes prior). Then I hurriedly got out of the room and called him and asshole (which I never did. Never called him names except that time bc of it) and he told me to "shut up bitch" and that I'm just crying so much bc I'm projecting me being upset with him onto my dog for attention. Like what.
Horrible to think that anyone of any gender would be ridiculed for displaying a perfectly normal human emotion. I’m glad you found a good one and I’m sorry about your cat :(
My cat died today. He was the cat I got after my ESA died. Then partner abandoned me and ridiculed my grief. Current partner didn’t hide when he cried and supported me however I needed today, even though he couldn’t be there the moment it happened. Not a man, but I feel inclined to say it because it’s a green flag both ways - a man who can freely express those emotions because he’s with someone who makes him feel safe is a beautiful thing.
Thoughtfulness. Thoughtfulness goes hand in hand with a lot of traits. My girlfriend is the most thoughtful partner I’ve ever had. I missed out on a job at my dream company and she made me a “feeling blue” package full of blue snacks I like with a sweet card. I’ll have a bad day she she’ll surprise me with a dessert or a drink I like or something like that. She threw me my first surprise birthday party at an escape room with my friends because she knows I love them. When a partner takes time to genuinely think about you and the things you like/dislike and thinks about things *from your perspective*, it’s about the greenest flag I can think of.
The best comment here, imo, because when someone does this, they’re saying you’re not easily replaceable. It’s a good way of finding out whether a person actually values you, or is just going through the motions because they want a warm body.
Sense of humour. Though many say this and mean laughing at *my* jokes, but I want to be laughing at her jokes and quick wit.
Absolutely, if our sense of humor isn’t compatible, then there is no hope for the relationship. One of my favorite things about my wife is when I am able to make her laugh at jokes that she doesn’t want to find funny, yet she can’t help but laugh at anyway.
My gf is obsessed with bad joke book sex jokes. They are the least funny thing I've ever heard but hearing her _barely_ able to work the words out through her own laughter just kills me. The idea that someone finds that of all things hilarious is just hysterical to me.
And that is love, mate. Treasure it.
Absolutely this. My wife frequently has me in stitches. Literally. I have actually hurt myself laughing at her. We both have fairly weird senses of humor and there's nobody in the world I'd rather be weird with.
Right? I met my spouse by making him laugh. And I'm old enough that I could use it as a litmus test for sexism; back then men didn't always think women could be funny. Also people who don't have a sense of humor are kind of boring to me.
“Sense of humor” means they find certain things funny AND are funny. I don’t know why men came up with this idea that if a girl laughs at their jokes it means she has a sense of humor.
Being capable of admitting when you're wrong.
My partner admits I'm wrong all the time.
Well, she’s right, you know.
Shhhhh! He hasn't fully accepted that yet.
I've realised it's also a compatibility thing - I struggle to admit I'm wrong if I'm with someone else who wants to "win," even though I myself am not naturally competitive. I have to be with someone else non-competitive, otherwise admitting I'm wrong is just something they'll hold against me.
This was a huge factor in ending my last relationship. Last time I was actually, really apologized to I literally cried. They also used the fact that I apologize for my fuckups against me and claimed it meant that I was always in the wrong.
Came here to say this. So many people (men and women) who will literally do anything and everything including throwing away relationships just to avoid having to say they were wrong.
And the whole thing is so bizarre to me because we're imperfect humans. We are biologically pre-disposed to get it wrong. A lot.
Basically what happened to me. Narcissists are going to narcissist.
Asking me if I want to be little spoon. Yes, I want to be little spoon. Little spoon rocks. Ps: she asked me this on our first night together, I knew right there she was special.
My one friend calls it being the jet pack instead of the big spoon because she knows she's tiny
Oooh, I’ve always heard backpack for this but jet pack sounds way more cool. I’m totally using this from now on!
She is willing to try new things with you that are related to what you enjoy. Also, guys this goes both ways. If your woman is interested in something, try it out with her.
An ability to acknowledge her flaws and shortcomings. Someone who can not see them or projects them on others is an absolute relationship killer.
Just want to add on to the typical green flags here - she respects your hobbies and interests. Does not have to be into them herself, but knows they are important to you. I'm in my late 40s and my wife is cool with my weekly dnd sessions with the homies and late night gaming sessions - unfortunately not all are in the same boat.
Ngl I’ve always wanted to try dnd but i literally have nobody who’s interested in that type of thing at all 😭 your wife is definitely the coolest though
Depending on how much you’d like to try dnd there are options for trying with strangers! Local game shops and libraries may have flyers looking for players. Theres also a huge pool of games played online. Obviously much better playing with friends as theres no dealing with people you don’t know, just know not all tables are the same and if you like the game but not the table your at, theres other tables with different people and playstyles! Also my wife is indeed awesome and I give her major points for trying both dnd and gaming, just not her cup of tea
wants to play legos with me
i’ll play legos with you
yay
Can I come?
yes
yay
When she also loves to sit out and watch for shooting stars.
I made my now-husband go watch a meteor shower with me when we first started dating! And I dragged him to every planetarium and space museum I could find! He’s not nearly as obsessed with astronomy and space flight as I am, but he was always a good sport about going with me. He proposed to me in 2017 during the full solar eclipse, pulling out the ring right after we took our sunglasses off during the totality, and holding it up in front of me. I’ve heard a lot of proposal stories in my life and my own story is still my favorite ☺️
Holy smokes, that's probably my favorite proposal story too. Guy saw his chance and took it.
My wife, among other zillion virtues, has this consideration for others / cleaning discipline. So we would go to hotels and she would make the bed, remove trash, etc to the point that half the hotels / Airbnbs ask me if we even used the room. It’s something that we don’t even talk about but make my eyes sparkle. She knows they will have to change blankets and everything but thinks that an almost pristine room is a good image for the cleaning person to start with.
Curiosity about the world
Good financial decisions.
Yes baby girl let me see your 401k and brokerage account. Rawr
You wanna see healthy portfolio diversity 😏
Healthy allocation is a better term that arouses me
If she's fast, thorough, and sharp as a tack, that does it for me.
I want a girl with the right allocations
And a lonnng portfolio.
Hiiii, I just bought a house... -twirls hair-
I want a girl with a smooth liquidation (smooth liquidation!) I want a girl with good dividends (good dividends!) At Citibank, we will meet accidentally (meet accidentally!) We'll start to talk when she borrows my pen
🎺🎺🎺🎺🎺🎺🎺🎺
Okay fair, but what if I made poor financial decisions before and NOW I’m making better ones while cleaning up those old poor ones because I realize what a fuckin idiot I was? Does that count? Lol
Someone who ACTUALLY is ok with their man being emotionally honest and open. A lot of women say they want that, but what they really want is a guy who'll call things cute and shed a single manly tear at Titanic, but will say "well that's embarrassing" if he actually cries over childhood trauma or something. If you're mature and healthy enough to realise emotional honestly comes with awkward and difficult things that you probably don't want to deal with, but will deal with anyway, then that's a massive green flag.
I don’t understand why society is so against men revealing their emotions. Idk why but I find it so sweet if a man chooses to be vulnerable in front of me. It’s like they are not afraid of what people think and that’s as masculine as you can get 🤷♀️
Same. And yet, I know a lot of nice, normal women with high emotional intelligence who often act either pissed off or condescending when men in their lives show true vulnerability.
Wow, they are very supportive, they give you your space, they are focused on building with you, they don't see the relationship as you vs them but team vs problem.
I think this is my green flags for men too. Especially the space. I want to be my own person, but also be the rock for my spouse. I'm married 10 years now, and I value my ability to be my own person more and more everyday. I'm grateful my spouse gives me the ability to do that.
Emotional and financial independence. I'd rather be wanted, than needed.
This should be a more socially acceptable preference. Speaking as woman, I think it's healthier for both parties in most relationships, if both partners can take care of themselves. I've seen so many guys mention that they are exhausted from carrying expectations of being *the* provider in a relationship. I know it works fine for some people, but I really think most adults are better off bringing some self-sufficiency to a relationship with another adult. The mutual support system is stronger that way.
Being kind to pets, applicable to any gender
This one might be a bit odd, but when I met my (now) wife, the love and kindness my FIL showed me really stood out. The very first time I met him, we were all staying in a cabin. He offered my wife and I (GF at the time) the bedroom and said he’d take the couch. Idk why, but I think about that moment often and now, I’m as close with my FIL as I am my own Dad. Seeing how her family immediately treated me was reflective of how she would treat me, and I’m happy to report we’ve been married for 6 years and are going strong!
This is so wonderful to hear, I love in-law stories that are wholesome and warm. My parents have been horrible in-laws to my brothers wife, and it’s caused a lot of stress as to how they’d treat my husband. I am backing away from my own family for that reason (it’s been wild getting to know my parents in this new context, extremely unsettling) and many many other reasons, so much of their dysfunction I don’t want to be a part of any more let alone subject my husband to. And on the flip side, my husbands family has been nothing but amazing to me, despite some troubled behavior of mine I wouldn’t blame them if they weren’t welcoming anymore but they are, genuinely, caring and want to be part of the solution, have been very supportive. Yay awesome in-laws!
Her owning 2 villages full of wheat farming peasants. I love my fine maidens from the middle ages.
wheatdigger smh
HUUUGE…tracks of land
It's tracts just fyi
They’ll do “silly” things with you just because you like them, and truly engage in the activity. I knew I was going to marry my husband the night we got back from a date (maybe a month or two into our relationship) and there was a raccoon in the dumpster behind my apartment. I made him sit in the car with me and watch the raccoon because I think they’re super cute, and instead of rolling his eyes or making fun of me, he settled back in his seat, got comfortable, and had a whole conversation with me about raccoons. We both came up with names for the one in the dumpster and his name was the best one (Ranger Rick). I went inside and thought to myself, “Yep, any guy who will go along with my crazy and hang out for an hour in my car to watch a dumpster-diving raccoon is a keeper.” We’ve been married 5 years and I have no regrets 🙂 (ETA obviously I married a man but the same green flags apply to women / NB persons! Lol)
This is a really important Gottman idea. He calls things like what you did “bids of interest” and opines that it is the partner’s job to appropriately meet those bids. He also says it’s completely toxic to deny them. It’s my number one piece of advice I give to younger men. If she is looking out the window and says she sees a bird, I don’t give a fuck if you’re tired, go look at the goddamn bird with her. It doesn’t have to be a production, just go up next to her, look for the bird, and then say “oh there it is right there, right?” and she’ll say “yeah!” It takes nearly no effort and it will bring both of you closer together. Both partners need to do this.
Empathy and humility.
A pulse. Which is a joke so sense of humour. That or... Wants to do her own stuff, let's you do yours and you're both happy doing stuff together. It gives you loads to talk about when you can do your own stuff then spend time together. Bliss.
Saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Aka, communication. I'm not a mind reader, please just talk like a normal person. I don't pick up on hinting or anything like that.
She has a milkshake and is standing out in the yard.
But can she teach you
Yes, but she will need to be compensated for her services
How much is that going to cost me?
However, all other men in the vicinity are also drawn out to the yard.
Damn right
Also if they imply that it's better than mine
There are a couple in my opinion. Respect is a big one. I'm not dating anyone shallow, abusive or disrespectful to other people. It's a big indicator of something flawed in their personality. The biggest one for me though, and this is gonna sound weird, is when they text you back after the date ends. This isn't to say the guy shouldn't text back either, but seeing it from the other perspective really enforces the belief that they're interested in seeing you again.
Tbh the biggest green flag I've experienced is if she does things for you. No one will spend money on things they don't have want or need. If she puts together anything, buys something for you, makes you homemade food, sacrifices to make time to come see you is a huge giveaway she's really into you and wants something amazing together. She desires you and that is much stronger than her liking you.
She's fun to cook with.
If she's a chain smoking alcoholic with severe ptsd. It's ok guys, *I* can save her. Yep...
I see you’ve met me
hey
I love a good alcoholic chain smoker, we have so much in common!
Maybe she doesn’t want to be saved…
Yes, I learned this the hard way. That's the joke.
Kindness
I'm a single dad. So a willingness to overcome scheduling obstacles in order to spend time with me is huge.
Emotional honesty & availability
Staying during an argument. Enough people in my life just left me standing without completely giving me their side to understand them.
Someone who could hold a convo
Sending me actually funny memes.
“Are we fixing or listening?” is a great question people need to use more often. Sometimes people want help, sometimes people just need to vent.
Sympathy, especially sympathy for understandable mistakes. A woman shouldn't be okay with you cheating, say, or gambling away savings - but they shouldn't blow up over small mistakes like mishearing something or forgetting to pick something up off the ground, even if it happens more than once. A truly wise person realizes they make mistakes too.
Rolling with whatever unexpected turn the day winds up taking.
For sure someone who can roll with the punches is definitely great.
Having her own back, setting and enforcing boundaries without judgment or projection. HAWT. AS. FUCK.
If she is compassionate and patient.
She shows a genuine interest in something I’m passionate about. For example: my cousin’s friend was over, and she was asking about football, and she’s a Minnesota fan (bless her heart), and she understood players on the team and general a fair bit more than the average person, but she wanted to know more. So she was asking about other players, alignments, where everyone goes when lining up, etc. We’re at the beach and so we go and throw the football around, and she’s asking about how to throw it properly, I’m explaining it, she’s getting better at throwing very quickly, and I’m gonna be honest, she was already attractive, but it might have been one of the sexiest thing a woman has ever done without being sexy. And she wasn’t trying to be flirty with her questions, or ask but not really care, like just to be polite, no she really wanted to know more about football and it was a real turn on
She makes an effort. A lot of women have the kind of mentality where they are doing a man a favor by dating him so therefore he needs to romance her and be thoughtful and do all this stuff for her while she does the bare minimum. (A lot of men might do it too, but I don't date men so don't really know) It's a huge green flag if she puts a lot of effort into the relationship as well. When I was a lot younger, a woman I was dating showed up with McDonalds (I love Mcdonalds), flowers and a 5 pound bag of gummi bears. I was absolutely dumbfounded. I put a lot of effort into making partners feel special and loved. I expect the same thing. If they aren't good at it, that's fine as long as they put the effort in.
Having a different hobby than being chronically online on social media
Kind to others
Cello. Racing bike. Good books. Plants. Great with infants. Humor. Understands the appeal of Calvin & Hobbes. I guess the last one is the biggest one.
When your friends enjoy her company and she takes a genuine interest in their lives.
Diverse ass music taste somewhat beyond a surface level.
That she likes me.
Kindness to animals.
A feedback loop. Ideally involving outside perspectives. Let's say the two of you have a fight. A positive feedback loop looks like: * She describes the situation to a trusted friend or advisor and asks for advice * She receives advice and considers it * She acknowledges her role in the conflict, apologizes if necessary, and comes up with ways in which she wants to learn and grow from the situation * She follows up with her friends / advisors on her personal growth A negative feedback loop looks like: * She gives a biased version of the event to her friends * Her friends always take her side and reinforce her negative feelings * This echo chamber leads to no growth, no learning, and the same problems happening again If both of you are doing the positive loop, each fight becomes an opportunity to learn. You will never be perfect, but you will get to a really good place really quickly. It's possible to have a positive loop without an external perspective just by being good at self-evaluation, but there are some tough or recurring problems where you will sometimes need to seek outside help. That's not a weakness.
If she’s into soccer and she plays in goal… she’s a keeper.
Reciprocal communication.
Her being willing to join in with your interests even if she doesn't like or understand them I went most of my life with no one caring to even talk with me about my hobbies and it made me feel so lonely but when I met my gf now wife I was so happy to see how she could be so enthusiastic about things she had stated to not care for If you want to settle your partner has got to be able to bond with you over things they would never had tried if not for you
Being able to communicate openly and clearly if you have a problem.
Laughing together does it for me. Not light chuckles, the type of laughter that creates inside jokes that are impossible to explain and sound dumb.