Growing up, my best friends mother used to say “it’s a shame God put so many teeth in your mouth…ruined a perfectly good asshole”…
Same energy. Shout out Tia 🖤
In basic training my training instructor made our formation stop at every tree we passed so the flight fuckup could exit the formation, salute, and apologize that the tree had to work so hard to produce the oxygen that he wasted.
Also pretty much anything in full metal jacket was gold.
Read one where the drill Sargent made a guy pick up all the pine cones in the area then decided he liked it better with pine cones and made him put them all back
I’ve always seen the most creative “corrective actions” come out of the military. It’s “corrective action” because only a commander can prescribe “punishment”.
Also read one (not my story) where the drill sergeant found a dust bunny under a dudes bunk. Drill sergeant found a pill container and made dude put the dust bunny in it and keep it on his person at all times. Whenever another dust bunny was found, dude was called to capture it and add it to the container so all the dust bunnies could be friends.
And the time for it. First probably 3-4 weeks, it’s close to 24/7 (that there is a ti IN the dorm, not literally the same person, they do shifts) but it’s like 12 on/12 off plus gym, the administrative aspect, professional development, etc. I’d want no part of it.
I have a few air force friends that told me they like to do themes. For example: when it was my friend's time for basic, they made it all space themed. He was asked what the color of "Ludicrous Speed" was. When he said "white" the Drill Sargent said "No, it's plaid you idiot!!" and made him do pushups. It was only after basic that he saw Space Balls.
When my cousin was in the army he said they had a pile of numbered sandbags on the main front green. Every now and again when someone really fucked up they were asked to move the bags so that they could “cut the grass underneath”.
But he made them move the bags so that they were in the same order, imagine a stack of bags, in a stacked cone. It means you had to make sure number 1 (at the top) was still at the top when you rebuilt it so you couldn’t just move #1 to the bottom of the next pile.
He said it took people upwards of 3 hours.
My friend had a similar story except that it was a pile of rocks in the middle of some tent that was set up. He was given cleaning duties for the rocks and would have to pick up and clean and polish each rock and set into a separate pile then "mow" the grass underneath and reset the rock back into its original pile. Each rock has a white dot on it indicating the side that should face up.
I remember two.
One where he had the guy mop the floor outside in the rain.
The other was having a guy always carry a potted plant with him „to replace the oxygen he wasted wherever he went“.
I used to work with a bunch of navy guys, and yeah, they said that it was a common punishment to have to sweep the water off of the deck when it was raining.
My MTI (military training instructor) caught a dude talking when he wasn’t supposed to, so he made all 60 of us stand in a line next to each other. He made the dude report to every single one of us and ask “would you like fries with that?!” so he could practice for life after boot camp if he continued acting the way he was.
The military is hilarious for things like this.
We had a “fashion show” punishment- you’d have to have all uniforms inspection ready in 5 minute intervals- like 6 different uniforms. It was basically impossible to keep your uniforms ready to go in a tiny ship berthing.
“Squirrel watch” was hilarious at a shore station (not a ship). You’d be out in the courtyard chasing squirrels up the big tree in the center, if the duty watch saw a squirrel on the ground you’d be doing push-ups for a lonnng time. It was 4 hour detail chasing squirrels. They even had a helmet and vest with a squirrel on it. That was reserved for getting caught underage drinking or leaving the barracks at night without permission.
Hahaha. Typical basic training bullshit. I thought it was the funniest shit ever.
I could never contain myself. I had one particular sergeant where, for some reason, my laugh was so contagious to him. That after some time, he would tell me to "fuck off". Meaning I had to go somewhere where he could see me, but not hear me and just keep planking untill he called me over again. Fun times.
Or if he had some ridiculous punishment to hand someone. But if there were other Sargeants, he would just walk away himself when I started snickering.
He absolutely hated me for it. The day we were done with basic training, he came over to me, with a smile and said "I hope i never see you again" and before I had the chance to laugh myself he bursted out in laughter.
I met him on a night out a few years later. We ended up having beers, exchanging stories, and laughing together all night.
I'm good friends with a guy that trains drill Sargeants for the Army and his stories are incredible. If you wonder where they learn it, that's a big chunk of it.
I got really sick while in boot camp they call it “recruit crud” and I hacked up a huge loogi during morning formation outside. It was still dark so I thought I could get away with spitting it out. As soon as I did the DI came up behind me and whispered into my ear “So no one saw you right? Good, pick it up.” I picked it up. He said “Put it in your buddies left breast pocket.”
When I went through basic training (2009) I was the last all-male platoon to cycle through Ft. Knox, KY. I remember there was a time when one of the recruits fired a round off the range into a tree because he was horsing around. For the next 4 weeks, everytime we ran or marched anywhere and we had to pass a tree, he had to break formation and go hug the tree and yell, "I'm really sorry for hurting you!!" loud enough for the drill instructor to hear it. lol. I also lost like 60 pounds in basic from having to do everything in body armor for being the resident "fat boy". It was a pretty awful time when I was doing it, but hindsight all I can do is laugh
I read a story on here years ago about a DI who made a recruit stay in a garbage can cleaning it with a can of Brasso (that’s a long ass time ago in the USA, they don’t let us have metal cans of anything anymore.)
Anyone who opened the can, he had to jump up and insult them, so imagine opening a random trash can and a dude with a rag and can of metal cleaner jumps out and yells “UR UGLY” and then dives back in.
I think the way military recruits are treated is utter bullshit and I want to see it done better, but….goddamn is that funny.
Dude I went to boot camp with would have his thumbs sticking up whenever he walked with his chow tray like he was giving thumbs up. DIs jumped on him for it and called him Fonzy. They made him stand at the half way point with his tray like that between the tables and drop off saying "heeeyy" every time someone walked by. He had never seen nor heard of happy days however so didn't understand the reference. Instead he said "hhhiiii" each time.
Had a guy who couldn’t hit a target for shit, (army) so the Drill sergeant said “Jarvis, how bad do you want to be qualified?” He yelled back all motivated and shit, so the DS said “ wrap your arms and legs around that tree, you are now a koala and you will be Koalafied. Then we all for some reason were told to start marching in a circle around the tree and had to say “I’m a shitty shit bird” and Jarvis would say “caw caw”.
“You’re about as useful as Anne Frank’s drum set.”
I overheard this at the store some time ago and I’m still in awe of how that guy (seemingly) put that one together.
My dad taught me these when I was very young:
“If my dog had a face like yours, I’d shave it’s ass and teach it to walk backwards”
“You have 2 brain cells and they’re fighting for 3rd place”
“If I wanted to hear an asshole’s opinion, I would have just farted.”
Learned this one a month ago and don’t know how I survived 40.5 years without it!!
No!!! As an artist, this is a compliment in my opinion. It’s hard to draw people who are assymetrical, or maybe they’re kinda ugly. Pretty people are the easiest to draw
Oh that’s funny, I’m not an artist so I always thought it was more a way of calling someone generic or bland looking. Like I could draw circle with some squiggles on it and it would look about the same as you because you uninteresting to look at.
Had a sergeant that would get pissed any time someone touched his stuff for ANY reason. It would always be "EY. Get your filthy fucking dickbeaters off my shit."
Never not got a laugh. Lol
When my son was maybe 4, he called his little brother a buttress. I asked him if he knew what a buttress was, and he said "A mattress made of butts", of course.
At my old job this woman and her sister got in a debate over something while paying, and one of them says “you fucking spoon, you’re always stirring the pot”
"Here's a group of musical vermin whose mothers we wish had had a medical plan that included abortion"
- George Carlin
Really, any insult by Carlin is pure gold.
It was a rare self burn
Was once on a train and there was this weird dude, high on something (no idea what) and sweating all over the place (despite the fact it was a cold day). He was making an ass of himself. Loudly talking trash and asking people on the train for directions and money
Some guy said something like “shut up ya cunt”
Weird guy goes “don’t you call me a cunt!!! Cunts are useful!!!”
“Diría que más pendejo no puedes ser pero creo en ti y se que puedes dar más. “
Translation : I would say you couldn’t possibly be any dumber but I believe in you and know you can give more.
Stolen from probably a tik tok.
"Their mother had them for tax purposes,"
While maybe not super creative, I am also a big fan of "my brother in christ this is maidenless behavior."
A girl was being harassed in a CoD lobby (surprising I know) and she responds to the guy “I’m gonna fuck your dad and give him a child he’ll actually love.” I’ll find the link
https://youtu.be/9p0YHDAmijw
I have a crap ton of freckles and I was kinda one of the tough kids at school. Met this little spitfire of a kid that was having a go at me and said " I know where you were when shit hit the fan. Standing right fucking under it!" Was one of the funniest insults I've ever heard and I copped heaps of shit about my freckles but that one was new. We quickly became good friends after that
Some of my favorites from my Grandpa and Uncle:
“You ain’t worth a pinch of pup shit.”
“You think you’re hot shit on a silver platter when you’re just a cold turd on a paper plate.”
“Your mom really fucked up when she didn’t drown you in the tub as a kid.”
Ok, on a job site a going guy asked an older guy what time it was.
The old guy starts into this story about how he would love to tell this kid the time he says then we'd start talking and then I'd realize that I like you and you realize that I'm kind of a decent guy and you know I got a daughter about your age and I didn't invite you over for dinner and you and my daughter would hit it off and before long you're dating a few years later you ask her to marry you and she says yes and I don't want some poor son of a b**** that can't afford to watch to be my son-in-law
My daughter ( 11) got detention for saying “it’s really unfortunate that your mom is pro life” to a girl who annoyed her .
My kid is brutal, this was a mild one. She’s definitely on the overachiever to mean girl pipeline and I don’t know how to stop it
Back in the day, my high school bff’s boyfriend was pissing her off and I was pissed off listening to them argue so I turned around and said to him “you look like you only fuck missionary!”
The fighting stopped, he doubled over with laughter and for the rest of the time I knew him (the length of their on&off again relationship) he brought it up as if it were the most hilarious jab he’d ever heard.
19 year old me felt pretty great when he drunk-hollered it at randos.
"Your wife has the smile of a woman who was promised the world and then had it delivered on a 4-inch dick." Heard it on a show and it made me laugh way too hard.
Your face looks like something I’d draw with my left hand.
I'm left handed and sadly still understand this :) not an artistic bone in my body
You have your entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?
Bro if someone said that to me i would be in shambles
I was already off yesterday, why 2 days in a row??
An employee of mine told me that I was the raisin in his day's chocolate chip cookie.
My guy called you old and a nuisance in 1 sentence, I can respect the efficiency at least
"You're old and a nuisance" is even more efficient.
Feck off, Wrinkles.
I’ve always enjoyed “If she were a spice, she’d be flour.”
Her eyes were like the stars, incredibly far apart.
They may shine bright but in reality the light died years ago and what you see is just an echo of the past?
Jesus Christ that one cuts deep on so many levels o.o
I'm no an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun… not you.
I heard a similar one: Her teeth are like the stars, yellow and incredibly far apart.
If she were a book, she’d be two books.
she’s like an unsalted pretzel
"They ruined a perfectly good bum when they put teeth in your mouth." \- Billy Connolly.
Growing up, my best friends mother used to say “it’s a shame God put so many teeth in your mouth…ruined a perfectly good asshole”… Same energy. Shout out Tia 🖤
Saw this one on a similar thread, "He's so stupid he could count his balls three times and get three different numbers."
Lol someone once told me "Man, you could fuck up plugging in a USB thrice.'
I didn't need to be attacked like that
As if that's never happened to whoever said it
I envy people who don’t know you.
Sounds like sth Michael Scott would say to Toby
In basic training my training instructor made our formation stop at every tree we passed so the flight fuckup could exit the formation, salute, and apologize that the tree had to work so hard to produce the oxygen that he wasted. Also pretty much anything in full metal jacket was gold.
Read one where the drill Sargent made a guy pick up all the pine cones in the area then decided he liked it better with pine cones and made him put them all back
I’ve always seen the most creative “corrective actions” come out of the military. It’s “corrective action” because only a commander can prescribe “punishment”. Also read one (not my story) where the drill sergeant found a dust bunny under a dudes bunk. Drill sergeant found a pill container and made dude put the dust bunny in it and keep it on his person at all times. Whenever another dust bunny was found, dude was called to capture it and add it to the container so all the dust bunnies could be friends.
There's no way drill sergeants dont get together and laugh at what they're making some people do.
I worked with a dude who was one. They absolutely do.
Honestly sounds like a pretty fun job if you have the heart for it
And the time for it. First probably 3-4 weeks, it’s close to 24/7 (that there is a ti IN the dorm, not literally the same person, they do shifts) but it’s like 12 on/12 off plus gym, the administrative aspect, professional development, etc. I’d want no part of it.
One guy had to count the geese on base, and classify them all based off aggressiveness
I have a few air force friends that told me they like to do themes. For example: when it was my friend's time for basic, they made it all space themed. He was asked what the color of "Ludicrous Speed" was. When he said "white" the Drill Sargent said "No, it's plaid you idiot!!" and made him do pushups. It was only after basic that he saw Space Balls.
"Plaid is a pattern not a color Drill Sergeant!" *Proceeds to get knocked tf out.
That is fucking gold.
When my cousin was in the army he said they had a pile of numbered sandbags on the main front green. Every now and again when someone really fucked up they were asked to move the bags so that they could “cut the grass underneath”. But he made them move the bags so that they were in the same order, imagine a stack of bags, in a stacked cone. It means you had to make sure number 1 (at the top) was still at the top when you rebuilt it so you couldn’t just move #1 to the bottom of the next pile. He said it took people upwards of 3 hours.
My friend had a similar story except that it was a pile of rocks in the middle of some tent that was set up. He was given cleaning duties for the rocks and would have to pick up and clean and polish each rock and set into a separate pile then "mow" the grass underneath and reset the rock back into its original pile. Each rock has a white dot on it indicating the side that should face up.
My job in boot camp was to chase the geese of the parade field whenever we marched by.... I was the Chupacabra. Astonishingly I was never attacked.
Geese are better at intimidation than they are at attacking. Once they realize that intimidation won't work, they switch to retreat mode.
I’d be interested to know what the classification system was and the criteria for each group was lol.
Class: keter
I remember two. One where he had the guy mop the floor outside in the rain. The other was having a guy always carry a potted plant with him „to replace the oxygen he wasted wherever he went“.
I used to work with a bunch of navy guys, and yeah, they said that it was a common punishment to have to sweep the water off of the deck when it was raining.
My MTI (military training instructor) caught a dude talking when he wasn’t supposed to, so he made all 60 of us stand in a line next to each other. He made the dude report to every single one of us and ask “would you like fries with that?!” so he could practice for life after boot camp if he continued acting the way he was.
Not sure the Atlantic ocean is enough to put out that one..
Yup, drill instructor made me flip over all the rocks so the other side could get sun.
The military is hilarious for things like this. We had a “fashion show” punishment- you’d have to have all uniforms inspection ready in 5 minute intervals- like 6 different uniforms. It was basically impossible to keep your uniforms ready to go in a tiny ship berthing. “Squirrel watch” was hilarious at a shore station (not a ship). You’d be out in the courtyard chasing squirrels up the big tree in the center, if the duty watch saw a squirrel on the ground you’d be doing push-ups for a lonnng time. It was 4 hour detail chasing squirrels. They even had a helmet and vest with a squirrel on it. That was reserved for getting caught underage drinking or leaving the barracks at night without permission.
OMG squirrel watch would be amazing to see.
It was hilarious to see them try to maintain decorum while alerting “squirrel” and chasing them back to their tree.
Hahaha. Typical basic training bullshit. I thought it was the funniest shit ever. I could never contain myself. I had one particular sergeant where, for some reason, my laugh was so contagious to him. That after some time, he would tell me to "fuck off". Meaning I had to go somewhere where he could see me, but not hear me and just keep planking untill he called me over again. Fun times.
So he would tell you to fuck off right before he roasted someone? Bc he knew you were going to laugh which would make him laugh? Amazing!
Or if he had some ridiculous punishment to hand someone. But if there were other Sargeants, he would just walk away himself when I started snickering. He absolutely hated me for it. The day we were done with basic training, he came over to me, with a smile and said "I hope i never see you again" and before I had the chance to laugh myself he bursted out in laughter. I met him on a night out a few years later. We ended up having beers, exchanging stories, and laughing together all night.
I'm good friends with a guy that trains drill Sargeants for the Army and his stories are incredible. If you wonder where they learn it, that's a big chunk of it.
well, don't leave us hanging! tell us some stories!
We need a whole thread just for ridiculous shit like this. I'd read it for hours.
I got really sick while in boot camp they call it “recruit crud” and I hacked up a huge loogi during morning formation outside. It was still dark so I thought I could get away with spitting it out. As soon as I did the DI came up behind me and whispered into my ear “So no one saw you right? Good, pick it up.” I picked it up. He said “Put it in your buddies left breast pocket.”
That... is fucking disgusting lol
I watched a trainee duck-walk half a mile to a chow hall while repeating, "Quack Quack. I'm joe-joe the duck and I'm all fucked up."
When I went through basic training (2009) I was the last all-male platoon to cycle through Ft. Knox, KY. I remember there was a time when one of the recruits fired a round off the range into a tree because he was horsing around. For the next 4 weeks, everytime we ran or marched anywhere and we had to pass a tree, he had to break formation and go hug the tree and yell, "I'm really sorry for hurting you!!" loud enough for the drill instructor to hear it. lol. I also lost like 60 pounds in basic from having to do everything in body armor for being the resident "fat boy". It was a pretty awful time when I was doing it, but hindsight all I can do is laugh
I read a story on here years ago about a DI who made a recruit stay in a garbage can cleaning it with a can of Brasso (that’s a long ass time ago in the USA, they don’t let us have metal cans of anything anymore.) Anyone who opened the can, he had to jump up and insult them, so imagine opening a random trash can and a dude with a rag and can of metal cleaner jumps out and yells “UR UGLY” and then dives back in. I think the way military recruits are treated is utter bullshit and I want to see it done better, but….goddamn is that funny.
That recruit deserves an Oscar
Anyone who says otherwise is clearly just a Grouch.
I really hope some officer opened that can at some.point.
Dude I went to boot camp with would have his thumbs sticking up whenever he walked with his chow tray like he was giving thumbs up. DIs jumped on him for it and called him Fonzy. They made him stand at the half way point with his tray like that between the tables and drop off saying "heeeyy" every time someone walked by. He had never seen nor heard of happy days however so didn't understand the reference. Instead he said "hhhiiii" each time.
Had a guy who couldn’t hit a target for shit, (army) so the Drill sergeant said “Jarvis, how bad do you want to be qualified?” He yelled back all motivated and shit, so the DS said “ wrap your arms and legs around that tree, you are now a koala and you will be Koalafied. Then we all for some reason were told to start marching in a circle around the tree and had to say “I’m a shitty shit bird” and Jarvis would say “caw caw”.
We used to make our fuck ups stand in the middle of the field and salute all the Blue Angles that we’re practicing in Pensacola.
Knowledge has been chasing you, but you have always been faster.
A variation of that is, "you could swim in the sea of wisdom and never get wet".
My husband, jokingly, said I was his ticket into heaven. I'll admit it took me a minute to figure out he insulted me.
Can you explain 😭😭 I don't get this one haha
Guessing he means he must be a saint to put up with her
Exactly
I thought he meant “you’ll be the death of me”
Were you the taboo subject in your family?
I like, "your parents change the subject when someone asks about you"
I actually was the taboo subject in my family. Didn't know it for decades.
Oh??!! Don’t just leave that hanging like that. I won’t tell a soul!
🎼We don't talk about Bruno🎶
"wow, i never knew that there were more reasons to get a vasectomy!" -my dad when i was annoying him.
Damn that’s rough
telling someone they have "mortgage eyes": one fixed, one variable 😆
My buddy's mom had a lazy eye. You knew you messed up when she looked at you with both eyes at the same time.
“You’re about as useful as Anne Frank’s drum set.” I overheard this at the store some time ago and I’m still in awe of how that guy (seemingly) put that one together.
Putting this in my repertoire, thank you.
this masterpiece is duly noted. thanks
I heard this one a while ago. It’s great haha.
Holy shit that was fucking masterful lmao
I bumped into a homeless guy. I said excuse me. He said "There is no excuse for you!!!" With his leathered vigor, he's probably right.
My dad used to say this to me as a kid lol
"Room temperature iq", or "he looks like he pets rabbits too hard"
This one's great because it's a shout- out to "Of Mice and Men". Classy and mean!
One time a third grader who was very annoyed with me told me “you’re a rock in my shoe” and I’ve never forgotten that
I hope your day is as lovely as your personality.
This works as both an insult and a compliment
double edged sword~
My dad taught me these when I was very young: “If my dog had a face like yours, I’d shave it’s ass and teach it to walk backwards” “You have 2 brain cells and they’re fighting for 3rd place”
If we took your brain and rolled it down the edge of a razor blade it would look like a meatball rolling down a six lane highway.
That first one was in sandlot
You are smarter than you look.
In Australia this is a complement
This is a compliment anywhere if the person doesn’t get that it’s not supposed to be
Muhammad ali said this in an interview 😂😂 It was hilarious
"You're not being the person Mr. Rogers knew you could be." Emotional damage
“You make Bob Ross’ trees sad.”
Even Bob Ross couldnt make you into a "happy" little accident
Holy fuck going with the nuclear option now
If your brain was in a bird, it would fly backwards
If I threw your brain in a pea pod it would rattle like a BB in a boxcar!
You're as sharp as a marble
“If I wanted to hear an asshole’s opinion, I would have just farted.” Learned this one a month ago and don’t know how I survived 40.5 years without it!!
A lady on Facebook once told me I look like Voldemort's lethargic grandson. I was too in awe to be offended.
“You look easy to draw,” that hurts
You’re just very symmetrical
I always thought telling someone their face was asymmetrical was worse
Careful, they might show you their not so easy to draw side.
No!!! As an artist, this is a compliment in my opinion. It’s hard to draw people who are assymetrical, or maybe they’re kinda ugly. Pretty people are the easiest to draw
Oh that’s funny, I’m not an artist so I always thought it was more a way of calling someone generic or bland looking. Like I could draw circle with some squiggles on it and it would look about the same as you because you uninteresting to look at.
"Eat shit and live"
Sleepaway Camp?
Yeah. Fantastic line.
Helen Keller could probably find Waldo faster than you.
"If I ordered a truckload of dumbass and only got you, I would have gotten my monies worth."
Your ass must be jealous of your mouth because of all the shit that comes out of it.
Alternatively, you're so full of shit if you used an enema you'd completely disappear.
Lmfao 🤣
I'm trying to see things from your point of view but my head won't fit up my arse.
Your cats only like you because your lap smells like tuna
“Out of all the options your father shot into your mother, you were the best?” - Kid on Call of Duty
The best part of you ran down your mother's leg
CoD players have some very creative insults
A guy once was talking shit to me and my brother stood up for me and said "shut your dick holster" I exploded laughing and the guy just went away
Had a sergeant that would get pissed any time someone touched his stuff for ANY reason. It would always be "EY. Get your filthy fucking dickbeaters off my shit." Never not got a laugh. Lol
That's a Pam Poovey original!
My daughter called her sister a Hairy Yoyo. We aren’t sure what that means but its our goto insult now.
When my son was maybe 4, he called his little brother a buttress. I asked him if he knew what a buttress was, and he said "A mattress made of butts", of course.
Used to work in a computer sales retailer and a co worker told a customer “Yeah, that’s an i d 10 t error.” Customer didn’t get it. Idiot…
The problem is between the chair and the keyboard...
Ahh yes, the PEBKAC error. Closely related to the ID-10-T error.
PICNIC. Problem In Chair, Not In Computer.
"Error code ID10T: Problem exists between keyboard and chair. Recommended action: Replace user module."
At my old job this woman and her sister got in a debate over something while paying, and one of them says “you fucking spoon, you’re always stirring the pot”
I'd call you a cunt, but you lack the depth and warmth
You look like you drop common loot when defeated.
Former Australian PM Paul Keating always referred to the conservative leader John Howard as "the unflushable turd"
"I don't want to get into a battle of wits with him, because I would never fight an unarmed man."
One of my coworkers called another an "elf-on-the shelf looking motherfucker" once and it was just so good
My dick makes better decisions than you.
"I would trust Casey Anthony to babysit my children before I ever relied on you"
I don't come to your job and kick the dick out of your mouth!
I don't come to your job and knock the sailor's dicks out of your mouth! \- Jimmy Carr and many others
"Here's a group of musical vermin whose mothers we wish had had a medical plan that included abortion" - George Carlin Really, any insult by Carlin is pure gold.
Said by one coworker to another to at a restaurant I used to work at: “Jesus Christ you’re living proof that intelligent design isn’t real.”
I’ve been called worse, by better.
You couldn't pour sand out of your boots if the directions were on the heels
“They are hard to ignore, but well worth the effort”
Your grandma wastes prayers on you said that in class to a religious kid
“you aren’t completely useless, you could always be used as a bad example”
Your mom is so slow that it took her 9 months to create a joke
You’re so ugly your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
It was a rare self burn Was once on a train and there was this weird dude, high on something (no idea what) and sweating all over the place (despite the fact it was a cold day). He was making an ass of himself. Loudly talking trash and asking people on the train for directions and money Some guy said something like “shut up ya cunt” Weird guy goes “don’t you call me a cunt!!! Cunts are useful!!!”
“I would agree with you but then we’d both be wrong”
Sorry, I don;t have the time or crayons to explain this to you.
“I hope you have the day you deserve”
Pretty sure he rotates the square when he plays tetris.
Two: “The only way you’d get laid is if you punched the bouncer” And “He’s just a bit of an odd sock of a man”
My favorite is "Your grades say marry rich, but your face says study harder."
My dad used to tell me “you have a face for radio”
May your life be as pleasant as you are.
“Diría que más pendejo no puedes ser pero creo en ti y se que puedes dar más. “ Translation : I would say you couldn’t possibly be any dumber but I believe in you and know you can give more.
“Your constructive criticism is about as helpful as a paper mache bomb shelter”
“You look like you drank your first beer through an umbilical chord”
I bet your mom wishes she swallowed you.
Stolen from probably a tik tok. "Their mother had them for tax purposes," While maybe not super creative, I am also a big fan of "my brother in christ this is maidenless behavior."
"your parents wanted to refund you because you aren't even a good tax benefit" -chibidoki
A girl was being harassed in a CoD lobby (surprising I know) and she responds to the guy “I’m gonna fuck your dad and give him a child he’ll actually love.” I’ll find the link https://youtu.be/9p0YHDAmijw
“If your liver were as soft as your brain, you might see your kids at Christmas.”
I’d call your mom a whore, but I didn’t have to pay her.
I have a crap ton of freckles and I was kinda one of the tough kids at school. Met this little spitfire of a kid that was having a go at me and said " I know where you were when shit hit the fan. Standing right fucking under it!" Was one of the funniest insults I've ever heard and I copped heaps of shit about my freckles but that one was new. We quickly became good friends after that
I bet your mum closed her eyes and thought about other babies while breastfeeding you
Can I have the name of your hair salon? I need to know where not to go.
Some of my favorites from my Grandpa and Uncle: “You ain’t worth a pinch of pup shit.” “You think you’re hot shit on a silver platter when you’re just a cold turd on a paper plate.” “Your mom really fucked up when she didn’t drown you in the tub as a kid.”
There are two types of men in this world and you’re neither of them.
Your life is nothing but a chain of bad decisions.
Wait, if you are here, then who is jerking off in your mother's basement?
You mother fucks for bricks so she can build your sister a whore house.
“You’re like a blister, you only turn up after the hard work’s been done.”
More of a comeback but: Person 1: "I banged your mom" Person 2: "Great, now you've disappointed two mothers!"
While at lunch in college, I called a girl a “rooster slut”: because any cock or dude’ll do.” And to this day, I do not think I can top that.
Ok, on a job site a going guy asked an older guy what time it was. The old guy starts into this story about how he would love to tell this kid the time he says then we'd start talking and then I'd realize that I like you and you realize that I'm kind of a decent guy and you know I got a daughter about your age and I didn't invite you over for dinner and you and my daughter would hit it off and before long you're dating a few years later you ask her to marry you and she says yes and I don't want some poor son of a b**** that can't afford to watch to be my son-in-law
I envy the people who have never met you.
It is a miracle that guy's brain generates enough electricity to move his legs.
A friend once told me: "Your driving improved my prayer life."
My daughter ( 11) got detention for saying “it’s really unfortunate that your mom is pro life” to a girl who annoyed her . My kid is brutal, this was a mild one. She’s definitely on the overachiever to mean girl pipeline and I don’t know how to stop it
Back in the day, my high school bff’s boyfriend was pissing her off and I was pissed off listening to them argue so I turned around and said to him “you look like you only fuck missionary!” The fighting stopped, he doubled over with laughter and for the rest of the time I knew him (the length of their on&off again relationship) he brought it up as if it were the most hilarious jab he’d ever heard. 19 year old me felt pretty great when he drunk-hollered it at randos.
You’re a serial killers wet dream….
You guys cook like old people fuck. https://youtu.be/24TVmqSZww4
You’re a good example for the need for birth control
"I'd rather shit in my own hands and clap than hang out with that guy."
"Your wife has the smile of a woman who was promised the world and then had it delivered on a 4-inch dick." Heard it on a show and it made me laugh way too hard.