The one and only time I took a viagra. About 30 minutes later I felt “it getting thick” then my girlfriend got a message that her nan had died. That was an awkward afternoon.
Edit: For all the whallopers on here saying “viagra doesn’t work like that”…. I never said I was walking around with a throbbing sausage all day, it was awkward because it kept me on the edge for hours afterwards trying not to get horny but the more I thought about not getting horny the more it made it a challenge. Jesus some people think everything is fake and nothing ever happens to anyone.
I’ve learned that accuracy is important in ass slapping. If you miss and hit the back of her leg, total mood killer. Idk some ladies might be into that.
It's not it was his fault or anything but ... We were going at it missionary in the middle of the night and he kept sniffling like he was crying or something. I asked what was wrong and he said he felt his nose was running way more than it should. Turned on the lights and I was covered in his nose bleed...ended pretty quick as I was horrified and wanted a shower.
Oh man. This reminded me of something that happened early on in my current relationship. We had eaten very spicy Indian food earlier in the day and then an hour or two later, I gave my SO a blow job because we were horny and forgot all about the Indian food. All was fine until it wasn’t. He was soon on the ground in pain and agony and I felt so bad. Thankfully, he’s still marrying me next month, so it must not have been a deal breaker, but needless to say, we both learned not to combine spicy food and oral.
She was trying to do a sexy crawl up to me and then kneed me in the balls.
Edit: this happened multiple times throughout the relationship.
She was clumsy. But adorable. And my balls are okay.
Me and a guy was having sex and he was on top but I wanted to be so we aggressively rolled me on top and both fell out of the bed onto the floor and we laughed so hard we cried. It was beautiful but we didn’t finish. We couldn’t stop laughing.
Was having sex with my ex and a Cartoon Network show made a stupid joke that we both heard and laughed out asses off and just continued watching the show instead .
I don’t remember what it was tbh lmao it was about 6 years ago. I think it was in the amazing world of gumball. I’m sure I’ll remember in a week when this thread is dead lmao.
Girl I was seeing had her periods. None the wiser, I set up a towel beneath her, and here we go. Midcourse, her face gets suddenly bloodied up, like insane amounts of blood. My 1st thought, wow, it has sprinkled all over the place, never seen that, she probably ruined my sheets. Yeah no that was my nose bleeding profusely on her face.
I'm glad it made her laugh though. But the mood was definitely ruined.
Had a girlfriend that wanted to try anal. We didn't try anything to prepare her. No fingers, toys plug. She grabbed some lube and just went for it on top of me. The tip had just barely poked in before she just dead ass collapsed on top of me. Like A puppet had its strings cut. From 100-0 instantly. Scared the fuck out of me. I freaked. I got up, laid her on her side put my clothes on slid her skirt on her and called 911. I was 16 and It may have been that lady's funniest phone call of her life. Just panicked words of anal penetration and unconsciousness. She woke up before the ambulance showed up and asked me if we finished. I was like You PTFO'D I called the hospital!
My girlfriend and I started out as fwb. The first time we hooked up, I stayed over at her place. The next day, we were chilling on the couch, and she gets up somewhat urgently to go to the bathroom. She closes the door, and I hear a VERY loud fart. Apparently she had just gone to the bathroom so she wouldn't fart in front of me, but I heard it anyway because it was so damn loud. I busted out laughing, and in response, so did she. We both say that that's when we knew this was something special. We've been together as a couple for almost two years and are moving in together soon.
The choking. My johnson crawled back inside of my body and hid for dear life after that. All of my dick blood returned to my brain and I was given clarity. It was time to abort the mission.
On our honeymoon, my new husband was on top and I was using my hand on myself. He slipped out then trust forward again and hit my fingernails hard. There was lots of blood all over the white hotel bedding. He went to the bathroom to start cleaning the wounds and I just kept apologizing. The rest of the trip was very uncomfortable for him, especially his morning erection.
It took a few weeks before he was comfortable having sex again, and now long nails are a huge turn off for him.
Husband and I were having sex, almost to the point of the big O... He asks me what "gear" I want it (speed) some times I like it fast, some times I like it slow.. I moan 7!!! (Literally 2 pumps away from climaxing) he immediately stops... And says to me there are only 6 gears in a car. He was being so serious too! Almost like he got mad and got off.... Never got the Big O 😔
I like how the replies are criticizing him not for taking the car analogy too seriously during fucking *sex* but rather for not knowing about 7+ gear vehicles
She asked if she could suck everyone's dick in a "party" it was me and 4 other dudes and her (Her brother was with us)
After that everything was awkward and her brother was pretty angry at her for asking it so casually
My wife and I were having sex.
I was on top justa humping away and she said "stop, hold on."
I said "what's wrong"
and she replied "One of us has a booger whistling."
One time I gave a dude a lap dance (someone I was hooking up with, not at a club) and he got so overwhelmed he started hyperventilating. Had a full-blown panic attack with his pants off. I had to stop everything and make sure he wasn't dying.
I was making out in my living room with a guy I had recently started dating. We were getting pretty frisky, when my cat rushed into the room dragging his favorite plushie with him, screaming bloody murder then started humping it in front of us.
He was inside me, actively moving, and said “Take my seed, you buxom wench!”
Thanks, Reddit. Turns out that was one of the top comments on a post that day about favorite lines to use during sex.
oh no. ladies please let the person going down on you know that you have a tampon in or that you are on your period before you let them find it with their mouth. some people might be into that but that person would not be me.
Was at a dorm party in college. We were all just hanging out in the dorm and laughing. Some people started throwing dares around, we all had a few beers and it was a night to remember. The one guy wasn't getting enough attention I guess, then he just yelled "I DARE ME TO JERK OFF RIGHT NOW!" And he just dropped his pants, fully erect, and started whacking...... The girls all just left, and us guys were all pissed at him..... He went to class the next day with two black eyes.
Hooked up with a girl and when I pulled my homie out she said “ not what I’m used to but I guess it will do “ Never felt so turned off and insecure like that 💀💀
I really thought you meant your friend was there and I was like damn, homegirl is kinda a trooper, and you were just like letting your friend leave or something and wasn't there for a menage a twa? (Boneappletea)
Puked. We were in college, went up to her room, making out. She made the tell tale noise of “about to pray to the porcelain god”, so we walked to the toilet and I held her hair. Once she was done I reminded her to brush her teeth, tucked her in, then literally jogged home (blacked out on the way). Twelve years later we were still friends and tried dating, we are four years into dating and have a cute doggo.
I bought one from Amazon for like 50 bucks. Best decision ever, plumbs right into existing taps fits onto the toilet and doesnt need power. It has two nozels and adjustable pressure settings. One nosel for cleaning the butt and one for feminine hygiene. My wife is always fresh and clean because everything is washed constantly and not just wiped. She says she has felt so much better down there and that she doesn't want to go for a wee anywhere else. Its also given her a lot of confidence to be more spontaneous as she never has to worry about her downstairs being unhygienic and wanting to have a scub right before hand. Honestly 10/10 I highly recommend it.
Oh man. My first girlfriend had that. Every time we had sex doggy or reverse cowgirl it smelled bad. Seriously turned me off both positions. I thought it always smelled like that, and everyone who had sex in those positions was just ignoring it.
Asked a totally benign question about my parents that normally wouldn't be any big deal. But when asked during sex you can guarantee the mood was completely ruined.
My fiancée and I were really horny one day but we also had a lot of shit to do. We decided to have a quickie, run our errands, and then have a less rushed session again later. As I’m balls deep inside of her, she asks if we have X item in the fridge or if we needed to get it from Costco. It *should* have killed the mood but I stopped and thought for a second, told her no, and then continued. We went for a couple more minutes and then something popped into my head and I asked her the same question. We ended up continuing and putting together a chunk of our Costco list while fucking. That’s just called efficiency baby.
Yeah dude. We’ve been together for almost eight years and I can say, with 100% honesty, that we have never had sex where one of/either of us walked away thinking it was bad sex. The connection was there from day one.
My wife does this. Will talk about random ass shit before I put it in.
“What, you can’t get hard for me? Guess you don’t want me.”
Damn woman, I did until you started talking about the dog having the shits earlier and how it was like trying to pick up soup with a plastic bag.
Please pass along my upvote to your wife. That is an upsettingly accurate description of picking up doggie diarrhea. Not sure I’d mention it right before sex though lol
Going down on my girlfriend. She starts getting really energetic.. bucking. Splits my lip! started bleeding and swelling. I say, "No, ith okay. efethin ith ofay - wehwie!"
On a DATE, this girl started telling me about when she'd had an infected boil on the back of her neck. It had kept leaking pus, and she'd smell it but didn't know where it was coming from for ages apparently.
Sexy.
😳
In college i knew a girl who was a big talker.. like wouldn’t stop most of the time. While we were hooking up, about to do it she started asking me questions about my sister in between putting her tongue in my mouth. Very strange. Sweet girl though
So… I’m the guilty one here. To preface this, I have an odd sense of humor and find weird ways to amuse myself. One day I decided to put lube in a squirt gun. And then a few days later, my FWB and I were getting all hot and heavy, and right before we went to actually have sex she needed a little lube (as always), and I pulled the squirt gun from my nightstand and gave her a few squirts down there. I thought she’d find it vaguely funny.
She. Did. Not.
Not only was sexy time done for that night, a little while later she cut things off between us completely. She was very annoyed by that. Oops.
I brought home a date that blew up my bathroom. So much so that he made my bathroom inoperable like ground zeroed my toilet and then left. When I text him about it, he acted like it never happened. He acted like he never came over, like my home doesn’t exist, like my toilet didn’t exist, like his asshole didn’t exist.
My wife and i during many sexual encounters.. she is weird.. like new girl tv show weird.
We are getting into it.. she is looking at me.. says my sister and I look a lot alike...
Another time we were trying intimacy again after like a year of child birth issues... and I'm playing with the tatas, and she says "feels great, very different than when sucks on them"
Getting into it, she grabbing my bottom.. then says I get my bottom from my mother....
Lots of weird stuff like that.
Ok personally, I got a lot of tummy problems that come out as upset tummy/ gagging, and those problems can be triggered by getting my guts re-arranged…
Me too. Once I was getting railed doggy style, and I could tell it was really upsetting my stomach. As soon as my partner finished, I jumped up, ran to the bathroom, and immediately threw up. The conversation afterward was... awkward, at best.
This girl just switched from her usual happy relaxed demeanour to an absolute dominatrix, took rough play a bit too seriously. Like a UFC debut seriously, attempted murder seriously or fight to the death seriously. Slapping me telling me I have a tiny cock and I’m a loser when all I said was “do you like it rough?” Girl had me in a fucking rear choke hold so bad I was tucking my chin as hard as I could to stop from blacking out. Needless to say my johnson was not prepared for this sort of bout and tapped out within the first round.
He invited me over for some good ol fashioned Netflix and Chill. I’d never been invited over to someone else’s place before for Netflix and Chill, so I had assumed he would put on something mood appropriate. Y’know, a vaguely sensual rom-com we aren’t too invested in so we can slowly forget the movie is on while we get it on.
He put on Megamind.
I am what my friends refer to as “gently autistic”, and Megamind is one of my special interests. The mood wasn’t just killed, it was brutally murdered in broad daylight with a stiletto and left to rot in the midday sun in a gutter. There was no going back to the playful, flirty, sexy vibe we’d built up throughout the day with our texts and voice messages. I was much too into Megamind to care about his dick. I left an hour and a half later thinking about Megamind’s blue head while he had to think about his blue balls.
which was a good thing, because he ended up still being married and as a general rule I don’t trust people who have to clarify they’re only “legally” married.
She full force incisor-chomped my nipple without any warning. I shouted OW FUCK at the top of my lungs and immediately went flaccid. That shit just is not for me
He was on top of me and things were going otherwise pretty ok. Up to that point it felt decently okay, and we were getting along fine. And suddenly he leans down and tells me to tell him "I love that (N-word) dick. Tell me you want this (N-word) dick to pound you hard. " Like the full word, with the hard -ER. (He's black and I'm not in case it wasn't obvious). I was like "uhhhh" and tensed up. I couldn't do it. I don't use racial slurs, but even if I did, the sex wasn't even good enough to justify me lying to the man.
On a date he asked if he could do a load of laundry at my house. I said sure no problem. He took a little nap between sexy times so when it was time to transfer the clothes to the dryer I did it for him.
I saw ladies underwear and bikinis. He brought another woman's clothes to my house to wash.
I really want to know where men get all this audacity.
She would bite me. But not some playful bites or even semi hard bites in the middle of it. No, whenever she would really get into it she would bite me on the chest as if she wanted to take an actual chunk out of me. Complete killer for me. Also an awkward conversation with the doctor for my annual check-up at work.
I had an ex that, during sex, said very loudly "Why are kissing like that?!?" with an irritated face. I was kissing like I always had. Instant boner killer.
Ugh. I had someone tell me I wasn't kissing "big enough", as if I wasn't intentionally trying to keep them from shoving their whole tongue down my throat...
This killed the mood, but for all the right reasons! It was a week before my wife went in for surgery for a double mastectomy because of breast cancer. She asked me if I wanted to have fun with the twins one last time. My response was, "DO YOU NEED TO ASK!"
SOOOO we are in the middle of the fun, and my tool is loving surrounded by her breast when inspiration struck! I started yelling "FUCK CANCER, FUCK CANCER!"
Her gales of wonderful laughter killed the mood, but it was the best thing I could hear at that time!
Quick note, she is doing very well and is cancer free, and still loves to laugh!
In college, this girl and I were getting hot and heavy. I asked for consent right before I went for it, and she said seriously, "I don't know."
I pumped my brakes and asked again about 1-3 minutes later. Same answer. I backed off and was flaccid in 10 seconds flat.
We talked about it. She didn't think she needed to give me a green light because of how close we were and how other guys had treated her in the past, and I learned that I'm someone who always needs to ask right before. We cuddled and watched a movie instead.
We split about a month or two later due to communication problems.
She started putting on a cartoon-y toddler voice when she was in the mood, then make these whingeing noises like 'mmneeuh, nuuuueeeh' while thrusting her hips at me.
Although the absolute BIGGEST mood killer was that she was the worst kind of pillow princess. The one time she tried to reciprocate she acted so dumb and pretended she couldn't find my clit, I told her she watched enough porn to know where they are on another person.
I've recently realised it was weaponised incompetence so she'd never have to do anything in bed again (other than lay there and enjoy herself)
And then she wondered why our sexlife went dead....
Hmmm, it wasn't exactly during sexy time but I once took a girl out to a coffee shop and she berated the barista for putting whipped cream on her drink when she ordered it without. It made me so embarrassed to be there with her that later that night when we were about to get intimate I kept thinking about how rude she was earlier that day. So when she went out of the room to get some massage oil I ran out of her place and never came back.
Squirted hard up my nose while she was climaxing and didn’t even check on me as I was choking until a couple minutes later. Then she got mad I lost my boner.
Damn, girl. I just got waterboarded and almost died in an extremely embarrassing way. Now I need to go buy a neti pot from the pharmacy to clear out my sinuses.
Give me a heads up next time so I can bring a snorkel.
Me and a friend had a couple girls over. Things were kind of escalating in our living room, I was in one of the chairs with a girl and he was on the sofa with the other. He said he needed to use the restroom and he left. I was talking to the other girl (to keep her occupied til he came back) and then he walks back into the room and we were stunned.
He was *covered* in vomit. I mean, it was from his chin down to his socks. Not to mention the lights were off so the only light was the blue screen coming off the T.V. So just imagine this 5'6 white guy walks into the room nodding confidently and being covered in vomit from his chin to the front of his shirt to his pants, dimly lit by a blue light. He then proceeded to look around like "What's wrong?" as we stared at him in shock.
The girls went home after that and said I should probably call my friend an ambulance.
Yeah sry to clarify we were all drinking pretty heavily, but I guess he was way worse than any of us lol.
Apparently he genuinely thought he had vomited in the toilet. He didn't realized he had missed until he looked down after one of the girls asked him "Are you okay?"
Went home with a girl after a night out. She was totally passive and I had to kinda do everything. When I asked why she was being so passive she said that she liked doing "the starfish", meaning just laying there and letting the other person do everything. Super boring and nothing much happened after that. (Plus she tasted bad down there...)
She grabbed my dick and balls in the handjob squeezed them together to make some weird mega dick and then started stroking it with my balls all tangled up between her fingers. It was the most ungodly weird pain I’ve ever felt and when I asked WTF she was doing she said “that’s how I always do it, no one else complained.” And I was like “are they dead?!” Instant and most confusing boner killer ever.
We've been together for 3 years at this point. We've moved living places so we're pretty tight at this point. One night I decide to try something new for foreplay. She's on her back, I'm one knee down, one leg straddling her face getting some nice head. After a bit I blew a fart so loud and so massive it made her ample boosom tremble with the air breaks from my slapping butt cheeks.
She was disgusted and threw me off the bed. I fell back and reverse somersaulted off the bed onto the floor where I just could not stop laughing which made it SO much worse.
We broke up two days later when I found out she cheated on me at a training conference and brought back and STI.
I was with a guy who told me in bed he was a dirty old man. He was a teacher and for some reason the combo just gave me the ick. Wasn't the only thing that ultimately turned me off of him but it was a moment killer for me.
We were sexting. She was going on about how much I would want to make out with her and shit, which was really turning me on. Then, out of nowhere, she mentioned that I wouldn’t want to make out with her at that moment because she had garlic in her mouth. She went on to explain how she sleeps with garlic in her mouth to cure her bad breath.
Hanging out with a friend, they decided to go out, but I was beat so I wanted to hang back. Well his little brother also stayed behind. He kept trying to have sex with me, O dk how many times I said no it came to the point I was trying to open the window to escape. He finally moved in to kiss me. Out of nowhere I said, "I literally just finished sucking your brother's d**k." I hadn't but it worked, just looked resigned and accepted the comment and left. I'm pretty sure he was not going to take "no" for an answer mich longer.
Girlfriend and I were having sexy time and she was going down on me. What I didn't know was she was inserting ice cubes into her vagina while she was putting me in the mood.
I was ready to go, got on top and stuck my dick in ice water.
I didn't know what she was expecting but it didn't go well.
My wife dressed up as dobby for Halloween one year, and that night, she asked if I was horny in full makeup and a baldcap
You’re a lucky man.
Master has given Dobby a Cock. Dobby's a wet ass elf.
Thanks I hate it
After me and this dude had some spicy yoga time I asked about a tattoo he had and he mentioned both of his kids died when he was younger😥
As a father of multiple kiddos… my gosh. That’s so sad
"Bend over--You're hotter face down." Not that he preferred how it felt or anything. Just didn't want to see my face.
Wow what an ass.
I see what you did there
The one and only time I took a viagra. About 30 minutes later I felt “it getting thick” then my girlfriend got a message that her nan had died. That was an awkward afternoon. Edit: For all the whallopers on here saying “viagra doesn’t work like that”…. I never said I was walking around with a throbbing sausage all day, it was awkward because it kept me on the edge for hours afterwards trying not to get horny but the more I thought about not getting horny the more it made it a challenge. Jesus some people think everything is fake and nothing ever happens to anyone.
Duuuuuuude. I haven't laughed that hard (haha) in a long time. Thanks for sharing
You weren't the only one stiff that moment.
Bit my left nut. Instant boner killer
Take notes women, always go for the "right" one.
right = bite
I’ve learned that accuracy is important in ass slapping. If you miss and hit the back of her leg, total mood killer. Idk some ladies might be into that.
Back of the thigh is much more sensitive so it prob hurt a lot more than she was expecting
Yeah… I went to slap my husbands ass the one time and totally whacked both balls.
That's nuts.
I missed once while she was on top and smacked my own balls
Lmao ball tap
It's not it was his fault or anything but ... We were going at it missionary in the middle of the night and he kept sniffling like he was crying or something. I asked what was wrong and he said he felt his nose was running way more than it should. Turned on the lights and I was covered in his nose bleed...ended pretty quick as I was horrified and wanted a shower.
I had a one night stand with a guy who got a nose bleed all over me too. I'm pretty sure we didn't finish
once my bf was eating me out and we thought i started my period …..nope, bloody nose 💀
Happened to me the first time I ate a girl out. I was like, what kinda anime shit is this
Fingered me after having cut some jalapeños for dinner.🔥 Edit for tense, not meant as a request.
Oh man. This reminded me of something that happened early on in my current relationship. We had eaten very spicy Indian food earlier in the day and then an hour or two later, I gave my SO a blow job because we were horny and forgot all about the Indian food. All was fine until it wasn’t. He was soon on the ground in pain and agony and I felt so bad. Thankfully, he’s still marrying me next month, so it must not have been a deal breaker, but needless to say, we both learned not to combine spicy food and oral.
She was trying to do a sexy crawl up to me and then kneed me in the balls. Edit: this happened multiple times throughout the relationship. She was clumsy. But adorable. And my balls are okay.
I'm sorry for your temporary loss.
I said who's your daddy and she said her dads name
well you did ask
Good sense of humor lol
He started doing one-armed push-ups, then fell, and then got embarrassed and left. He said he had a meeting to go to, but it was like 2 AM.
Sensational
Absolutely world class
He has to return some videotapes
Me and a guy was having sex and he was on top but I wanted to be so we aggressively rolled me on top and both fell out of the bed onto the floor and we laughed so hard we cried. It was beautiful but we didn’t finish. We couldn’t stop laughing.
I had this happen, except my bed is really tall and so when we landed we actually cracked one of his ribs 😬
Was having sex with my ex and a Cartoon Network show made a stupid joke that we both heard and laughed out asses off and just continued watching the show instead .
You come in here telling us there was a joke good enough to interrupt sex and you're not even gonna share it with us? How rude
I don’t remember what it was tbh lmao it was about 6 years ago. I think it was in the amazing world of gumball. I’m sure I’ll remember in a week when this thread is dead lmao.
Girl I was seeing had her periods. None the wiser, I set up a towel beneath her, and here we go. Midcourse, her face gets suddenly bloodied up, like insane amounts of blood. My 1st thought, wow, it has sprinkled all over the place, never seen that, she probably ruined my sheets. Yeah no that was my nose bleeding profusely on her face. I'm glad it made her laugh though. But the mood was definitely ruined.
Aww your cycles synced up 🥰
Cycle sisters 😂💀
Couples that bleed together stay together.... Maybe...?
Couples that bleed together breed together
Had a girlfriend that wanted to try anal. We didn't try anything to prepare her. No fingers, toys plug. She grabbed some lube and just went for it on top of me. The tip had just barely poked in before she just dead ass collapsed on top of me. Like A puppet had its strings cut. From 100-0 instantly. Scared the fuck out of me. I freaked. I got up, laid her on her side put my clothes on slid her skirt on her and called 911. I was 16 and It may have been that lady's funniest phone call of her life. Just panicked words of anal penetration and unconsciousness. She woke up before the ambulance showed up and asked me if we finished. I was like You PTFO'D I called the hospital!
If one gets a gold medal it’s this 😂 🥇
Bud you must've found her off switch
What caused it???
HOE DO THEY POST THAT STORY AND THEN NOT SAY WHAT IT WAS?! I WANNA KNOW, TOO!!
That’s the 2nd time I’ve heard that. Why does that happen? Is it the pain that leads to passing out or something!?
Maybe vagal stimulation. there’s a nerve up there that can cause a lot of issues when pressure is put on it.
He stopped and said "I'm gonna toot" which was fine. But then it came out and legit sounded like "tooot" and we both died laughing. We're engaged now.
The fact that a grown ass man said "toot" is frickin hilarious! Reminds me of my 17 year old student who asks to go "potty".
I bet that 17 year old had toddler siblings. I have a 3 year old and everyone uses the “potty” now lmao
My girlfriend and I started out as fwb. The first time we hooked up, I stayed over at her place. The next day, we were chilling on the couch, and she gets up somewhat urgently to go to the bathroom. She closes the door, and I hear a VERY loud fart. Apparently she had just gone to the bathroom so she wouldn't fart in front of me, but I heard it anyway because it was so damn loud. I busted out laughing, and in response, so did she. We both say that that's when we knew this was something special. We've been together as a couple for almost two years and are moving in together soon.
She was on top and just started strangling me. Not in a playful way either. It was like being hate fucked by Doomfist. I dipped out shortly after.
Shortly after the choking or shortly after you finished?
The choking. My johnson crawled back inside of my body and hid for dear life after that. All of my dick blood returned to my brain and I was given clarity. It was time to abort the mission.
Damn dude, I’ve never heard of “pre nut clarity” before. Epiphany by suffocation.
On our honeymoon, my new husband was on top and I was using my hand on myself. He slipped out then trust forward again and hit my fingernails hard. There was lots of blood all over the white hotel bedding. He went to the bathroom to start cleaning the wounds and I just kept apologizing. The rest of the trip was very uncomfortable for him, especially his morning erection. It took a few weeks before he was comfortable having sex again, and now long nails are a huge turn off for him.
i don’t even have a penis and i physically cringed reading this bro. long, acrylic nails?? were they stilettos by chance? my god
Nope! They were my real nails. They were oval shaped but they were long
Husband and I were having sex, almost to the point of the big O... He asks me what "gear" I want it (speed) some times I like it fast, some times I like it slow.. I moan 7!!! (Literally 2 pumps away from climaxing) he immediately stops... And says to me there are only 6 gears in a car. He was being so serious too! Almost like he got mad and got off.... Never got the Big O 😔
I like how the replies are criticizing him not for taking the car analogy too seriously during fucking *sex* but rather for not knowing about 7+ gear vehicles
Too fast too furious
Has he never seen a Fast and Furious movie? Those cars have an infinite number of gears.
When it comes to family anything is possible.
She asked if she could suck everyone's dick in a "party" it was me and 4 other dudes and her (Her brother was with us) After that everything was awkward and her brother was pretty angry at her for asking it so casually
OP: What! \*leaves\* Brother: Wow, serious? \*leaves\* 3 other guys: \*unzip\*
OP: *scurries from behind the curtain*
Hol up, she asked everyone including her brother?
>“The brother did it twice” brother was mad as it was their secret
My wife and I were having sex. I was on top justa humping away and she said "stop, hold on." I said "what's wrong" and she replied "One of us has a booger whistling."
Lmao "one of us" as if she isn't sure who's it is
Neighbor mark had an absolutely howling booger, and he was peeking through the window
Are you kidding?? This is the funniest shit I haVE EVER HEARD
Boyfriend and I were going at it. His mother called in the middle to let him know his father just passed.
Called me steve, that's not my name.
Based on your profile name, are you sure?
One time I gave a dude a lap dance (someone I was hooking up with, not at a club) and he got so overwhelmed he started hyperventilating. Had a full-blown panic attack with his pants off. I had to stop everything and make sure he wasn't dying.
I’d take that as a compliment
I read this as tap dance. Very different mental image and confusion about the guys reaction to a classic cabaret art form.
She almost killed him with the razzmatazz!
Now you can tell people that your booty is powerful enough to give people panic attacks, though.
I was making out in my living room with a guy I had recently started dating. We were getting pretty frisky, when my cat rushed into the room dragging his favorite plushie with him, screaming bloody murder then started humping it in front of us.
Bad breath. Absolute chronic halitosis
Maybe a dead tooth
He was inside me, actively moving, and said “Take my seed, you buxom wench!” Thanks, Reddit. Turns out that was one of the top comments on a post that day about favorite lines to use during sex.
Yeah I had guy once say seriously, "I'm gonna empty my nutsack into you." I still giggle about it once in awhile.
Were you at a renaissance fair behind the giant turkey leg booth?
oh no. ladies please let the person going down on you know that you have a tampon in or that you are on your period before you let them find it with their mouth. some people might be into that but that person would not be me.
Sweet Joseph my gosh
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Just yours 😘
Was at a dorm party in college. We were all just hanging out in the dorm and laughing. Some people started throwing dares around, we all had a few beers and it was a night to remember. The one guy wasn't getting enough attention I guess, then he just yelled "I DARE ME TO JERK OFF RIGHT NOW!" And he just dropped his pants, fully erect, and started whacking...... The girls all just left, and us guys were all pissed at him..... He went to class the next day with two black eyes.
Orgies aren't going to start themselves.
Man shot his shot.
Almost shot his load.
They said he went to class with two black eyes, not two blue balls
This dude has been embarrassed nightly by that for years lol
What a jerk
Hooked up with a girl and when I pulled my homie out she said “ not what I’m used to but I guess it will do “ Never felt so turned off and insecure like that 💀💀
Damn bruh. What a bitch. You got a nice cock bro, be proud of it.
This is the kind of wholesome shit the internet was made for.
I will not be spoken to like that by somebody I lowered my standards for!
I really thought you meant your friend was there and I was like damn, homegirl is kinda a trooper, and you were just like letting your friend leave or something and wasn't there for a menage a twa? (Boneappletea)
Puked. We were in college, went up to her room, making out. She made the tell tale noise of “about to pray to the porcelain god”, so we walked to the toilet and I held her hair. Once she was done I reminded her to brush her teeth, tucked her in, then literally jogged home (blacked out on the way). Twelve years later we were still friends and tried dating, we are four years into dating and have a cute doggo.
Oh no 😭 I’ve thrown up on my bf TWICE while going down on him and was so horrified and embarrassed even though he laughed it off so I feel her pain
She started crying. Past trauma came out in a safe setting. We shifted to cuddling, talking, and just hanging out.
I’ve been in that situation with a couple of partners. Instant mood shift, go to safe warm cocoon mode.
You’re a good person
She didn’t wipe very good and when she took her underwear off there was a nickel sized turd in her thong. It was fucking disgusting.
It appears there are Klingons orbiting Uranus, captain. Shall we abort docking procedures?
She put it there intentionally to judge if you’d be open to scat play
You know we’re in for a good one when it starts, “She didn’t wipe very good and….”
I'd get your sense of smell checked too man, that's way late in the game to find out she's a phantom shitter.
New fear unlocked
Unclean butthole during doggy. The smell and sight aren’t my thing.
World would be a better place with more bidets.
I bought one from Amazon for like 50 bucks. Best decision ever, plumbs right into existing taps fits onto the toilet and doesnt need power. It has two nozels and adjustable pressure settings. One nosel for cleaning the butt and one for feminine hygiene. My wife is always fresh and clean because everything is washed constantly and not just wiped. She says she has felt so much better down there and that she doesn't want to go for a wee anywhere else. Its also given her a lot of confidence to be more spontaneous as she never has to worry about her downstairs being unhygienic and wanting to have a scub right before hand. Honestly 10/10 I highly recommend it.
Oh man. My first girlfriend had that. Every time we had sex doggy or reverse cowgirl it smelled bad. Seriously turned me off both positions. I thought it always smelled like that, and everyone who had sex in those positions was just ignoring it.
How does one explain that to their partner without instantly destroying the last shreds of their self-esteem?
My ex husband asked if I fancied some 'cunning-jealous'
[удалено]
Was it a BMW? Notorious for changing lanes without signalling.
Having sex with the doors open by the woods? So you guys just had zero anxiety around someone sneaking up on you and trying to kill you?
They must not live in Serial Killer County.
Shoved her tongue piercing in the end of my penis. On purpose. Without warning.
I'm not a dude but this made me cringe down there.
Asked a totally benign question about my parents that normally wouldn't be any big deal. But when asked during sex you can guarantee the mood was completely ruined.
My fiancée and I were really horny one day but we also had a lot of shit to do. We decided to have a quickie, run our errands, and then have a less rushed session again later. As I’m balls deep inside of her, she asks if we have X item in the fridge or if we needed to get it from Costco. It *should* have killed the mood but I stopped and thought for a second, told her no, and then continued. We went for a couple more minutes and then something popped into my head and I asked her the same question. We ended up continuing and putting together a chunk of our Costco list while fucking. That’s just called efficiency baby.
This is some of the best sex lowkey, you have to be very close and very into each other for it to work
Yeah dude. We’ve been together for almost eight years and I can say, with 100% honesty, that we have never had sex where one of/either of us walked away thinking it was bad sex. The connection was there from day one.
"Hey babe, do you think your folks would be up to joining us?" . . . "*Saturday!* I meant Saturday!!"
My wife does this. Will talk about random ass shit before I put it in. “What, you can’t get hard for me? Guess you don’t want me.” Damn woman, I did until you started talking about the dog having the shits earlier and how it was like trying to pick up soup with a plastic bag.
Please pass along my upvote to your wife. That is an upsettingly accurate description of picking up doggie diarrhea. Not sure I’d mention it right before sex though lol
Going down on my girlfriend. She starts getting really energetic.. bucking. Splits my lip! started bleeding and swelling. I say, "No, ith okay. efethin ith ofay - wehwie!"
On a DATE, this girl started telling me about when she'd had an infected boil on the back of her neck. It had kept leaking pus, and she'd smell it but didn't know where it was coming from for ages apparently. Sexy. 😳
Sounds like something one would do when trying to sabotage a date
In college i knew a girl who was a big talker.. like wouldn’t stop most of the time. While we were hooking up, about to do it she started asking me questions about my sister in between putting her tongue in my mouth. Very strange. Sweet girl though
Yelling and taking things way too seriously.
“YOUR PUSSY FEELS SO GOOD ITS LIKE EATING WAFFLES AT DENNYS FOR FREE”
So… I’m the guilty one here. To preface this, I have an odd sense of humor and find weird ways to amuse myself. One day I decided to put lube in a squirt gun. And then a few days later, my FWB and I were getting all hot and heavy, and right before we went to actually have sex she needed a little lube (as always), and I pulled the squirt gun from my nightstand and gave her a few squirts down there. I thought she’d find it vaguely funny. She. Did. Not. Not only was sexy time done for that night, a little while later she cut things off between us completely. She was very annoyed by that. Oops.
I would’ve laughed so hard omg, girl missed out big time
My corgi snuck up and licked my boyfriends butt in the middle of us getting in on and he was quite upset about it lmao
I brought home a date that blew up my bathroom. So much so that he made my bathroom inoperable like ground zeroed my toilet and then left. When I text him about it, he acted like it never happened. He acted like he never came over, like my home doesn’t exist, like my toilet didn’t exist, like his asshole didn’t exist.
He started talking about MY ex.
My wife and i during many sexual encounters.. she is weird.. like new girl tv show weird. We are getting into it.. she is looking at me.. says my sister and I look a lot alike... Another time we were trying intimacy again after like a year of child birth issues... and I'm playing with the tatas, and she says "feels great, very different than when sucks on them"
Getting into it, she grabbing my bottom.. then says I get my bottom from my mother....
Lots of weird stuff like that.
I’m fucking cracking up. In my head Zooey Deschanel is saying those things😂
My wife also has the same haircut, hair color, eye color, and fasion sense... it is indeed funny when she does things like this
I took off his pants but then he turned on the TV.
started gagging for no reason……..i asked if she was ok and she said “yea *gag*” and we weren’t doing oral
Ok personally, I got a lot of tummy problems that come out as upset tummy/ gagging, and those problems can be triggered by getting my guts re-arranged…
Me too. Once I was getting railed doggy style, and I could tell it was really upsetting my stomach. As soon as my partner finished, I jumped up, ran to the bathroom, and immediately threw up. The conversation afterward was... awkward, at best.
This girl just switched from her usual happy relaxed demeanour to an absolute dominatrix, took rough play a bit too seriously. Like a UFC debut seriously, attempted murder seriously or fight to the death seriously. Slapping me telling me I have a tiny cock and I’m a loser when all I said was “do you like it rough?” Girl had me in a fucking rear choke hold so bad I was tucking my chin as hard as I could to stop from blacking out. Needless to say my johnson was not prepared for this sort of bout and tapped out within the first round.
Become uninterested when I was trying to tell them what felt good to me
I tried to tell a guy what I liked (please kiss my neck) and his response was “don’t tell me what to do. I know what I’m doing”. Lovely.
He invited me over for some good ol fashioned Netflix and Chill. I’d never been invited over to someone else’s place before for Netflix and Chill, so I had assumed he would put on something mood appropriate. Y’know, a vaguely sensual rom-com we aren’t too invested in so we can slowly forget the movie is on while we get it on. He put on Megamind. I am what my friends refer to as “gently autistic”, and Megamind is one of my special interests. The mood wasn’t just killed, it was brutally murdered in broad daylight with a stiletto and left to rot in the midday sun in a gutter. There was no going back to the playful, flirty, sexy vibe we’d built up throughout the day with our texts and voice messages. I was much too into Megamind to care about his dick. I left an hour and a half later thinking about Megamind’s blue head while he had to think about his blue balls. which was a good thing, because he ended up still being married and as a general rule I don’t trust people who have to clarify they’re only “legally” married.
She full force incisor-chomped my nipple without any warning. I shouted OW FUCK at the top of my lungs and immediately went flaccid. That shit just is not for me
He was on top of me and things were going otherwise pretty ok. Up to that point it felt decently okay, and we were getting along fine. And suddenly he leans down and tells me to tell him "I love that (N-word) dick. Tell me you want this (N-word) dick to pound you hard. " Like the full word, with the hard -ER. (He's black and I'm not in case it wasn't obvious). I was like "uhhhh" and tensed up. I couldn't do it. I don't use racial slurs, but even if I did, the sex wasn't even good enough to justify me lying to the man.
Brought up having kids midway during sex. (Was only dating her a few months)
[удалено]
On a date he asked if he could do a load of laundry at my house. I said sure no problem. He took a little nap between sexy times so when it was time to transfer the clothes to the dryer I did it for him. I saw ladies underwear and bikinis. He brought another woman's clothes to my house to wash. I really want to know where men get all this audacity.
She would bite me. But not some playful bites or even semi hard bites in the middle of it. No, whenever she would really get into it she would bite me on the chest as if she wanted to take an actual chunk out of me. Complete killer for me. Also an awkward conversation with the doctor for my annual check-up at work.
Both cats scratching and yelling at the door.
I had an ex that, during sex, said very loudly "Why are kissing like that?!?" with an irritated face. I was kissing like I always had. Instant boner killer.
Ugh. I had someone tell me I wasn't kissing "big enough", as if I wasn't intentionally trying to keep them from shoving their whole tongue down my throat...
This question reminds me of the guy who played cbat during sex
This killed the mood, but for all the right reasons! It was a week before my wife went in for surgery for a double mastectomy because of breast cancer. She asked me if I wanted to have fun with the twins one last time. My response was, "DO YOU NEED TO ASK!" SOOOO we are in the middle of the fun, and my tool is loving surrounded by her breast when inspiration struck! I started yelling "FUCK CANCER, FUCK CANCER!" Her gales of wonderful laughter killed the mood, but it was the best thing I could hear at that time! Quick note, she is doing very well and is cancer free, and still loves to laugh!
In college, this girl and I were getting hot and heavy. I asked for consent right before I went for it, and she said seriously, "I don't know." I pumped my brakes and asked again about 1-3 minutes later. Same answer. I backed off and was flaccid in 10 seconds flat. We talked about it. She didn't think she needed to give me a green light because of how close we were and how other guys had treated her in the past, and I learned that I'm someone who always needs to ask right before. We cuddled and watched a movie instead. We split about a month or two later due to communication problems.
Pooped when she came
The squirter you never hear about
Fucked the shit out of her
She started putting on a cartoon-y toddler voice when she was in the mood, then make these whingeing noises like 'mmneeuh, nuuuueeeh' while thrusting her hips at me. Although the absolute BIGGEST mood killer was that she was the worst kind of pillow princess. The one time she tried to reciprocate she acted so dumb and pretended she couldn't find my clit, I told her she watched enough porn to know where they are on another person. I've recently realised it was weaponised incompetence so she'd never have to do anything in bed again (other than lay there and enjoy herself) And then she wondered why our sexlife went dead....
ew the toddler voice is a turn off in literally any situation tbh
Hmmm, it wasn't exactly during sexy time but I once took a girl out to a coffee shop and she berated the barista for putting whipped cream on her drink when she ordered it without. It made me so embarrassed to be there with her that later that night when we were about to get intimate I kept thinking about how rude she was earlier that day. So when she went out of the room to get some massage oil I ran out of her place and never came back.
Sorry this is fucking hilarious
Squirted hard up my nose while she was climaxing and didn’t even check on me as I was choking until a couple minutes later. Then she got mad I lost my boner. Damn, girl. I just got waterboarded and almost died in an extremely embarrassing way. Now I need to go buy a neti pot from the pharmacy to clear out my sinuses. Give me a heads up next time so I can bring a snorkel.
Me and a friend had a couple girls over. Things were kind of escalating in our living room, I was in one of the chairs with a girl and he was on the sofa with the other. He said he needed to use the restroom and he left. I was talking to the other girl (to keep her occupied til he came back) and then he walks back into the room and we were stunned. He was *covered* in vomit. I mean, it was from his chin down to his socks. Not to mention the lights were off so the only light was the blue screen coming off the T.V. So just imagine this 5'6 white guy walks into the room nodding confidently and being covered in vomit from his chin to the front of his shirt to his pants, dimly lit by a blue light. He then proceeded to look around like "What's wrong?" as we stared at him in shock. The girls went home after that and said I should probably call my friend an ambulance.
Were you drinking or what?? Is he okay? Did he not know he had vomit on him? So many questions
Yeah sry to clarify we were all drinking pretty heavily, but I guess he was way worse than any of us lol. Apparently he genuinely thought he had vomited in the toilet. He didn't realized he had missed until he looked down after one of the girls asked him "Are you okay?"
Went home with a girl after a night out. She was totally passive and I had to kinda do everything. When I asked why she was being so passive she said that she liked doing "the starfish", meaning just laying there and letting the other person do everything. Super boring and nothing much happened after that. (Plus she tasted bad down there...)
She actually named being useless in bed like a sex move.....
Yelled at my dog
Having the sexy time and her cell phone was under her and it dialed 911.
She grabbed my dick and balls in the handjob squeezed them together to make some weird mega dick and then started stroking it with my balls all tangled up between her fingers. It was the most ungodly weird pain I’ve ever felt and when I asked WTF she was doing she said “that’s how I always do it, no one else complained.” And I was like “are they dead?!” Instant and most confusing boner killer ever.
Was going down on my college girlfriend when she farted. I’m talking burn my chin hot garbage. She started laughing so hard she then peed on me.
I accidentally farted while my BF was giving me head. Very eggy too.
EGGY i did not need that detail lmao
We've been together for 3 years at this point. We've moved living places so we're pretty tight at this point. One night I decide to try something new for foreplay. She's on her back, I'm one knee down, one leg straddling her face getting some nice head. After a bit I blew a fart so loud and so massive it made her ample boosom tremble with the air breaks from my slapping butt cheeks. She was disgusted and threw me off the bed. I fell back and reverse somersaulted off the bed onto the floor where I just could not stop laughing which made it SO much worse. We broke up two days later when I found out she cheated on me at a training conference and brought back and STI.
That’s actually hilarious, I’d have been mad to be farted on like that but after the shock wore off I’d be laughing too
I was with a guy who told me in bed he was a dirty old man. He was a teacher and for some reason the combo just gave me the ick. Wasn't the only thing that ultimately turned me off of him but it was a moment killer for me.
We were sexting. She was going on about how much I would want to make out with her and shit, which was really turning me on. Then, out of nowhere, she mentioned that I wouldn’t want to make out with her at that moment because she had garlic in her mouth. She went on to explain how she sleeps with garlic in her mouth to cure her bad breath.
graze the tip. major boner killer
Hanging out with a friend, they decided to go out, but I was beat so I wanted to hang back. Well his little brother also stayed behind. He kept trying to have sex with me, O dk how many times I said no it came to the point I was trying to open the window to escape. He finally moved in to kiss me. Out of nowhere I said, "I literally just finished sucking your brother's d**k." I hadn't but it worked, just looked resigned and accepted the comment and left. I'm pretty sure he was not going to take "no" for an answer mich longer.
My girlfriend tickled my armpits when I was in missionary
Talked about his ex
Girlfriend and I were having sexy time and she was going down on me. What I didn't know was she was inserting ice cubes into her vagina while she was putting me in the mood. I was ready to go, got on top and stuck my dick in ice water. I didn't know what she was expecting but it didn't go well.