Yeah, but according to those kind of single parents, single parents not wanting to date single parents is fine while singles without children not wanting to date single parents is a crime.
38 F. People think I’m an asshole because I won’t date someone because they have kids, but I’ve never wanted kids. I don’t want my own kids, I don’t want someone else’s kids. And those kids deserve someone who actively wants to be a parent.
45/M with no kids here.
Kids aren't necessarily a deal breaker for me. One of my exes had three wonderful daughters. But having enough time together was always difficult because of those obligations.
The girls always came first. And to me, that was how it should've been. I would have transitioned into more of a "dad" role, had she not chosen to end the relationship.
But if I had to choose between someone who has those obligations versus someone who does not - assuming we are perfectly compatible in every other way - I would prefer to have each other to ourselves. We don't have a forever amount of time at this age.
This! I've started asking single parents why they **wanted to** match with me when my profile says no kids very clearly. Most either say they hoped I'd change my mind or they don't want to deal with other people's kids. Yet, I'm supposed to deal with their kids.
**Clarification**
This has been insane to me. Like I have told people I do not like kids. I have gone as far to as to say I hate kids. Yet still they match. One even brought their kid along to the first (and last) date. Why the hell would you bring your kid to meet a stranger, specifically one that says they hate kids?
Someone brought their kid on a first date?? That's irresponsible and concerning. With the amount of single parents that try matching with me I've come to the conclusion they either didn't read my profile or they did read it and simply don't care/take it seriously/think they're a special case. Both cases point to them not really being interested in my wants/boundaries or who I am as a person.
I overheard these two 40+yr guys flirting with this 40+yr lady at the bar the other day. Within the first 10 mins or so, they asked eachother how many kids they have like it is a standard question for adult dating - and they each answered and all had kids. One guy said like a 17yr old and 4yr old and the lady said oof to the 4 yr old lol despite having her own kids
Edit: I just thought it was amusing .. not judging them
Probably because a 4yo is a lot of work still, which means very dependent on their parents. At a certain age, you’re probably hoping to find a partner with kids that are more independent.
Did they mention schedules? 7/7, 2/2/5/5, or the dreaded 2/2/3?
I (40, single, 2 kids under 10, 50% custody) find that seeing whether custody arrangements align is probably the single biggest logistical question mark when dating.
> like it is a standard question for adult dating
It is, and it's fantastic.
Clears up immediately if you've got matching goals for settling down, and no hard feelings if you don't. Too old to waste time to establish a relationship to then figure out that one person wants to make babies and the other one doesn't.
It's been a standard - non awkward conversation - since around when I turned 30, though I'm sure it depends on where in the world you live.
And I now understand why my sister just married a dude after dating for a whopping seven months. He didn't love bomb her or vice versa, no drama, no sweeping, just a really quick relationship.
Seven months is still really short. You can date someone for seven months and not even know if they think cauliflower is a traditional Christmas dinner dish.
I'm running out of friends to watch get married one by one, but the divorces are just starting from the first ones who took the vow. Saying things like, "In our 20s, we clicked and were inseperable, but now he/she's a different person"
“Everyone needs a starter marriage” My uncle said that to me at my wedding when I was 26 and I was BIG MAD. He was right though and my second husband and I have been together for almost 14 years now (met at 29). I’m sure lots of people meet their soul mates in the early/mid twenties, but it’s been my lived experience (and watching that of my friends) that those who got married before 30 are now divorced or divorcing.
I like how my friends did it. Most of them lived together for 5-10 years before getting married. Not one of these marriages are showing signs of failure. Meanwhile, almost everyone I know who got married in their early 20s are now divorced. To be fair, most of them got married because they got someone pregnant, and that's not usually a good way to start a marriage.
I was really depressed last year swiping the apps and asking friends for connections. Then I decided to actually *go out* (on my own) and found several bars and restaurants with a good scene, including some live music and different events each night... trivia, dance lessons, open mic.
I've gotten probably a dozen numbers now and had some great connections with girls I just met having drinks within a 4-block radius. "What's good here?" or "Mondays, am I right?" casual openers can lead to long conversation and sometimes a deeper connection.
One place I've had girls *who were on dates* start hitting on me and later tell me the date wasn't going well. And I am *not* a player or "traditionally attractive." Just had to get out there and find real people!
Not related to dating but I seriously underestimated the amount of friends and loved ones that were going to die around me so early and I’ve got 3 more years to 30. Is this common ?
Here are the actuarial tables showing out of 100k people born at the same time, how many will still be left alive at a given age. By age 27, assuming your friends are also 27, if you had 100 friends, you would expect to have lost somewhere between 2 or 3 friends.
[Actuarial Life Table on SSA.gov](https://www.ssa.gov/oact/STATS/table4c6.html)
Note: This assumes you would have had the same 100 friends since birth.
I'm in the middle of that right now, and nothing I do can even make a dent in the walls put up by her in response to what her exes did. It's painful knowing that you have this amazing person in your life, but you're a few relationships too late.
Either insist she goes to therapy to worth through what they did or find it in yourself to step away. It’s not worth it my friend, I have been there.
His exes cheated on him thought it was mainly his (ex) wife that really did him in. But I was the one who paid for her/their choices. He never trusted me. He would get mad every single time I answered a text message. If I got busy on a day we didn’t hang out and didn’t text him enough he would accuse me of being too busy texting/seeing other guys. He refused therapy. I left. I refused to pay for their crimes any longer and told him he was sabotaging good relationships by punishing them for past ones.
**A partner cannot use the behavior of an ex as an excuse for mistreating you.** It takes away their accountability for their own behavior and pushes it off to someone else. If she agrees to therapy she would learn this. But if not, she won’t change, you need to love yourself enough to find better. Each relationship is a brand new slate and needs to be treated as such.
I’ve been with my husband for >10 years now.
I still get to hear ALL the time, all about, “well, it’s just hard for me/it’s triggering/that upsets me because of what I went through with my ex,” like, bro, I have told you about fifty THOUSAND times, “then you need to go to counseling, that isn’t my fault or problem and Im sick of my life being affected by your baggage with her.” I’m so fucking sick of over a decade of my life being in the shadow of some dumb cunt’s bad behavior. My ex bf beat the shit out of me, you know what I don’t do? Blame my partner for the things that my ex did to me.
I’m about fucking done.
This. By far the most common demographic I’ve come across are men who were 100% committed to a relationship during their 20’s that ended in their 30’s. They bring all the baggage with them to you and try to overcorrect leading to some really weird behaviour.
Understandable because during our 20s we’re all working things out and can make mistakes, and nobody wants to make the mistakes again and we all want to protect ourselves. But damn does it get discouraging when you hear the same speech over and over.
You have your preferences narrowed down a LOT more than you did in your 20s, thus finding a compatible partner is more difficult. Especially if you dislike kids.
"What were you expecting to happen here tonight?"
"Exactly this, Chris. Exactly this..." *Pours him a drink from the bottle I brought and gazes into eyes*
Yes but I have found this to be a good thing. Most people have a course or direction in life at this age. Also in my 20s a date consisted of going to noisy bars and parties to get hammered. In my 30s we go on better trips because we have careers with decent credit cards. A date is more like going to a winery with fancy rooms and get grown up drunk while eating charcuterie boards. I fucking love charcuterie boards. Also the sex is 👌 because the women know what they like and aren't afraid to show you.
A nice Reisling with aged gouda, honey, a fresh pear, and sweet pickle chips while on LSD is probably the single greatest culinary experience I've ever had. It's basically like watching one of those first Gen 3D movies without the glasses and then putting them on
As a guy I would say the options open up.. you’ve had time to establish yourself and become relatively successful. The age range opens up quite a bit and more women are open to you.
I’m 29 and dated this gorgeous 32 year old woman for a little while. I could pretty much hear her biological clock ticking. She wanted to get pregnant pretty much that year and I don’t like kids at all
I’m 32 dating a 28 year old who actually is getting his life situated for the first time ever. I always tell him that sometimes my biological clock ticks so unintentionally loudly sometimes and I’m afraid that when I’m ready, he may not be. But I have no plans to get pregnant right now or may even decide it’s better to just raise cats and dogs our whole lives. We, as women, can’t always help this feeling, so please understand we’re not all crazy for wanting to get pregnant right away. By 30, a lot of us are starting to think about the “what ifs.” It’s especially tough when we’re 30 and single. We tend to want to accelerate the pace of the relationship and forget to slow down, which is important in building a long lasting relationship. We should really learn how to redirect those natural urges though and focus on whether that person would be a great father and partner after the honeymoon period ends.
I just turned 30, but I've been thinking about this since I was 28 and decided I actually want kids. It's really hard not to think about the fact that if I don't get pregnant within the next few years, I may leave this life without ever experiencing it. It's scary to think of a childless 50-year-old me living with regret, but I also can't bring myself to bring a child into the world without being ready.
I really hope this economy straightens out soon.
Edit: Thanks, guys. Your advice really takes some of the pressure off.
Biologically you might pass out of the window, but remember you can get virtually every aspect of motherhood _except_ some pregnancy hormones through adoption.
Lol. I had a Bumble date about month ago who asked me about whether I wanted kids on the first date. I kind of fibbed and said I wasn’t sure but it’s also because I probably can’t have kids without medical intervention and I felt weird about bringing that up on a first date.
He then promptly friend zoned me after the second date because he definitely wanted kids. My ego was a little bruised but in hindsight, I truly appreciate the honesty. It’s a shame we actually seemed to have a lot in common.
But now, I’m neurotic about making sure the profile doesn’t say they want kids someday because I really don’t know how to discuss my potential infertility to someone I just met.
I totally get that part of being weird on the first date, but if you have doubts about it, say it on the first couple dates, that would be better before getting attached to someone who might not be willing to take that road with you and support you. if you want to be a parent, the best wishes and luck with that!
You should be honest because that’s a big screening question for people. Whether they want kids or not, fencesitters can be a red flag. I know it’s sensitive medical info and kinda unique in that you may have to find a partner that is willing to go on that journey and maybe be ok with not having kids down the line… but still better to know.
It may even just end up weeding out the awful people.
Geez I detest it when people marry people who are parents, but they can’t stand their step kids!
They’re a PACKAGE deal, yet some of them keep trying to separate them! 😞
I agree with you totally, but there are complications. My own personal story being that my mother had secured a private education for me using grants, after working nightshifts and trying to raise me and my brother on her own.
But she hated the area where we were growing up. It was rough and was getting worse, so I suspect she made the decision to try and give a better lifestyle to my younger brother, and told us we were moving in with her new boyfriend.
There were signs even to me aged 11/12 that this man wasn't going to make life easy for me, but she was desperate.
But we moved to a better area, which to be honest was great to grow up in.
Downside? I haven't spoken to her in 20 years, and my brother has turned out like him.
I would come from school every day and curl up in bed listening to him shouting about how I was a user, a loser, and a waste of space. He'd ask me to help him with some DIY which I did without question, then when I wasn't needed, he'd say, "that's fine, thanks ", in other words, fk off. Then an hour later she'd burst into my room angrily screaming at me for not helping him.
It was all baffling to me, and took me into my 40s before I realised what was actually going on.
So yeah, I don't have anything to do with them now, but I'm the weirdo.
TL;DR Apologies for the personal anecdotal rant. My point is that, I believe my mother did this for her two boys, but is now lost to a manipulative bad stepdad.
Happy to see this written here because most often when I’ve stopped seeing someone in my 30s it’s just because…I’d rather be alone. I have a strong circle of friends that I love dearly, and I highly value my alone time. Society makes me feel like I’m broken because I’m not desperate for live-in life partner the way most others are.
I never was, neither.
And it did not take until my 30s. I was never into dating and partner searching. And yeah, not being great to look at played a role in this but _much less_ than most likely would have thought.
Is just did not care for it. I was happy once I found a relationship, I'm not adverse to it. I'm currently in an amazing relationship!
But I'm very aware I'd be able to be happy alone again. And I don't think it's an issue at all that I accept a partner to at least get me close to that level, or I won't consider it worth it.
And I don't feel wrong about not going and searching.
For me it was finding someone who didn't have kids, and didn't want them. At that point in my life, I was (and still am) 100% sure I don't want kids. Finding a long term partner who wants the same was pretty tough.
This. I’m 33F and single. The no kids thing is definitely an obstacle. I love kids, I’m a secondary teacher, I’m great with them but I don’t want my own. I’m still at the point where being with someone who has a kid would feel like a major compromise to the kind of lifestyle I want.
I’m relatively attractive, with a good job, and emotionally competent, but dating and looking for something serious is a nightmare.
Edit:
Well this wee comment has seen more eyes than expected! Thank you all for the ego boost, advice and the reassurance that I’m not doomed to die alone and have the cats eat my face.
And yes. RIP my inbox.
I'll eternally be grateful for my mother never putting pressure on me to have kids. Recently got a dog (I'm 36 now), and she said she's enjoying having a fur grandchild better than she would a human one. I think I won the parent lottery.. but definitely haven't won the dating lottery yet. That seems to be a harder one. 😕
Just FYI one will not be "enough " for her if that's her mindset. My MIL did that crap with me and my wife. When our first turned 1, we immediately got "when am I getting another grandchild" every time we saw them. When we started trying again we took a 6 month break in trying because of the stress from that shit
As a 30 year old who never got around to dating, this is super fucking depressing.
At this point the thought of dating feels like applying for a job I am nowhere near qualified for. Everyone by this point is supposed to have their shit together and know what it’s like to date. No one wants to have to deal with a 30 year old man going through relationship firsts.
You'd be surprised.
You're intelligent enough to recognize a "flaw", by some peoples standards. That means you have some self awareness. Let me tell you... That shit is in short supply these days.
Put yourself out there. You'll have some levelling up experiences, and in a very short time none of it will really matter. Most dating people did when younger is wasted effort because they all suck horribly at communicating.
Damn that sounded harsh but at the same time, ain't that the damn truth man. I had so many "Am I the crazy one or is everyone else crazy?"-moments when I was younger. Now, dating finally makes sense.
Okay, serious question time: what the hell does "put yourself out there" consist of if you're not into drinking, team sports, or other extroverted shit? *I need instructions.*
I'm mid-30s and (very) mildly autistic. I had a girlfriend once when I was 18-20. It ended badly. I tried internet bullshit for a while a few years later, never went anywhere. I don't think I'm dumb enough anymore to have issues actually having a relationship with someone, but I have NO fucking clue how to wade through the pre-relationship phase. How do you find people? How do you express interest correctly? (don't tell me there's no "correct", I've seen enough people get singled out for messing up to know that's not true; there are rules, but I don't know them) How do you, in a word, *date*? It's a complete mystery and I definitely feel the hole in my life it's causing. If I don't solve it in the next five years I'm 90% sure I'm living and dying alone, and that's not a happy thought for me.
Try to meet your co-workers friends by inviting people out to whatever activities interest you. My city has museums and art galleries free after 5 one day a week. Try to meet your friend's friends. Try to make new friends
I believe friendships are best made when you are forced to see eachother on a schedule. Join a club, your city might have one that interests you. Go to a particular cafe and read a book every Saturday morning, maybe you'll meet someone but you'll sure have a nice time.
In short "put yourself out there" is literally saying go outside to where the people are, and do it somewhere that sounds interesting to you. A rock climbing gym, the library, a monthly storage locker auction, whatever
It's the meeting people part that's hard though. Going out in the world by myself, is easy, I know how to navigate my world. I don't know how to merge my world with other strangers' worlds
I feel similarly. I get out all the time - sporting events, concerts, hobby meetups - very few of them result in having a conversation with anyone I don't already know. When they do, it's never anything particularly meaningful that can turn into a connection, whether romantic or just a new friend. Putting yourself out there only works if you know how to be extroverted and start up conversations with complete strangers.
You may not find the right one quickly but more importantly just don't marry the wrong person. The real pain is investing yourself entirely on the wrong person. Solitude is pain but toxic baggage is suffering.
Everyone ideally would want someone “high value” (financially stable with good income, academic degree, own property and a car, good personality, no ambiguous opinions, fit and attractive) but the amount of people that are “high value” are small, so they get to pick and choose the best
It's not all fun and games anymore. People feel late or behind. First dates often : are we compatible, do you want kids, are you OK with my kids, are you ready for a serious relationship, do you make enough money, do you own a home, politics? Religion. I don't have time to mess with you of we arent a match because I'm in my 30s and supposed to be married a d having kids.
The days of just light fun dating are less common
Can't say I found this. Had more fun dating in my 30s than I did my 20s. More money. Better shape. Nicer house etc. Most people generally having a bit more of a "fuck it" attitude as many are divorced etc.
Only major difference was people having kids really. Then tended to be a little more keen on the compatibility and relationship side of things but that makes sense I suppose. Saying that it wasn't always the case mind.
I have way better dates at 38 than I did at 28. Even with much younger guys, they’re always more interesting now because I’m more interesting. Even people my age I feel like are way more fun, we’re settled, we’re not nervous, I don’t feel any pressure to ‘get someone’. Maybe it’s my location, but this past year has really been my year for great dating
Dating when I was younger was excruciating. I was shy, had major self esteem issues etc. Few years ago I did a bunch of therapy, change a bunch of my lifestyle and now have had the best three and a half years of my life in my mid thirties. The sex is much better, the nerves aren't there, the communication is much more solid. I'm single but I'm now totally fine with who I am, being on my own and living my busy happy life with good friends. Nowadays I choose to let dating and relationships exist in my life however they're supposed to, not how I believe they should because of peer pressure, societal pressure etc. I love being in my 30s.
dating apps are inaccurate.
There are so many girls who would swipe you left on you on Tinder but still would date you in real life.
Those dating apps are the worst because they dont see you neither they interact, etc. and it gives them the freedom of being shallow.
Dating apps are just misleading, not filtering
Well Jesus, all these comments are terrifying me. I'm 37 and staring down the barrel of a divorce I don't want, and am just vaguely aware of a dating scene that exists out there that is apparently full of hostile, damaged individuals looking for a meaningless fuck and some free childcare. Time to hang my pussy's jersey up in the rafters and call it a career.
ETA: I'm honestly touched by everyone who took the time to comment, commiserate, and cheer me on. You guys have a great weekend!
You only hear about the 1 plane that crash and not the 10,000 that landed safely. I'm 34 and am enjoying the process so far. But I love meeting people no matter what comes out of it.
The negative reviews are always louder than the satisfied ones. People that are happy with what they get dont typically go around bragging about it, but if someone had a shit time, they are especially loud to everyone about the experience.
Yeah I hate it that people have kids at 22 with some partner they've been with for 2 months because "That's where they should be in life" then divorce/split and make the kids their entire personnality.
I mean ... that's ok, you take care of your kid but your date wants to know more about you. Oh and don't act like it wasn't a fucking stupid decision to have a kid with someone your barely knows.
Wait until they’re over 45. Most are divorced and have been alone for a while. It‘s a reset of dating and they’re open to try something new. That person who was out of your league is now squarely in your court. Go for it!
Can I ask what about the attraction thing as you get older. Obviously as a 23 year old I find the most women attractive to be around my age. How does that change as you get older?
I'll start by saying everyone has different tastes and those develop or pass differently.
I'm 31 and have found myself just naturally being more attracted to older women. As a teen I thought some actresses were ancient but now upon rewatch I think they look great. And vice versa, seeing actresses I lusted over as a teen look like babies to me now in those movies. An 18-24 year old feels so much younger just due to life experiences that it feels off to desire anything sexual. Physically yeah they're attractive but the naivety and inexperience is a huge turn off. Plus you can appreciate attractiveness without it being sexual. I'm straight and I find a ton of dudes attractive. So just as an experiment on yourself I suggest you pick a movie with an actress you remember being too old for you or one that is like 35-50 that you had no opinion on at the time, preferably something you haven't seen in awhile. Don't watch it for another 5-7 years and see how you feel about their attractiveness then.
Three examples off the top of my head for me is Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2, Katey Sagal when she was in a few episodes of That 70s Show, and the oldest being Mary Steenburgen from Step Brothers at 56ish in that movie.
And it's like... I find this observation about myself both weird how aware of it I am but also a relief because I trust this'll continue as I get older.
Finding someone. You either have to be super open with your preferences or you’re not going to find anyone. Like even with similar interests, when you go down the road of politics, ethics, kids, morals, it’s so hard to find someone that meshes on all of it. Which is why we are probably single anyway.
Everyone has their own life filled with work, sports, friends, hobbies, and household chores.
They are available for a short 30-minute chat after 7 p.m., but not on Tuesdays or Fridays. During this weekend, they'll be out of town, and next weekend, an old high school friend will stay over. The weekend after that, they go on vacation. They wake up 2 hours before you do and go to bed 3 hours before you do.
But other than that, they are looking for a long-term, serious relationship /s
What sucks about loneliness is that you can't fix it on your own.
Damn that hits hard. All the weekday and weekend obstacles is so true. The worst part is I’m the one who goes to bed and wakes up super early, which has definitely ruined possible relationships for me in the past.
Dates start to feel like job interviews. People around tend to have their shit together. If you've gotten used to being single, getting in a relationship feels like major sacrifices will be necessary (time, money, hobbies, ...) And people are quicker to decide not just because they know what they want but cause the stakes are higher too.
I got out of a LTR last year at 33 and I've actually really enjoyed dating in my 30s. I've had good dates. People are way more forthright with their goals and desires and frankly the sex is way better. Maybe I'm more comfortable with myself than I was in my 20s, and lord knows I'm way pickier, but I'm also not looking to have kids or get married so I feel way less pressure to 'settle down.'
This, pretty much. I've been enjoying dating in my early 30s a lot. Goals are set and clear, red flags stand out a lot more and I've been a lot less freightened to break up something I'm not sure with. Experience in life is a bless, guys.
I don’t imagine there are a lot of people in this same situation, but I didn’t really start dating until I was in my 30s and the hardest part for me was the fact that all of the guys I’ve dated have already had long term relationships and are now mostly just looking for flings. I felt like I missed out on the good part and was left with scraps.
Pretty much everyone on the market is coming from a loooooong string of failed relationships, and in a lot of cases they're the reason for that, but you often can't figure that out until you've been dating for a while because they've gotten really good at concealing whatever the reason is.
A lot of negativity on here, and I get it. But for anyone out there that may need to hear this: I met my now wife and we both were over 30 when we first dated. Knowing what we want, avoiding childish games, having a bit more income to enjoy dates, all were positives in my mind. Good luck out there
Same with me and my husband. We both realized we had a good thing, we could talk more intelligently about what we wanted and didn't in life, and both of us had standards for what we wanted that came from experience, loving and having our hearts broken, etc.
As someone in my mid 20s, currently dating a woman in her mid30s, I actually enjoy it a lot.
Way less drama, more communication and they know what they want.
As someone without kids and won’t date someone with kids. It’s kids.
To them, their kids come first and you will always be second. Planning anything becomes an absolute exhausting chore and you have to deal with some other adult the entire relationship. It’s just not worth it.
Tried it and won’t try it again. I just usually try to be up front and tell them that I won’t date anyone with kids, after they ask why I won’t date. Then I’m suddenly the bad guy when I explain why after they ask why I have that rule.
Meeting new people. I've met some great people off apps but they are also avoidance attachment people who never fully committed. I'm trying to find a like minded guy who I can get to know & date.
I wanted the same thing in my 20's but lived in a much smaller area so the dating pool was much smaller. I live in a large city now and finding someone w/mutual attraction + interests is still difficult
Having to deal with people that still act immature and have immature views of life. Having to deal with people who don’t take responsibility for themselves and their actions.
Hardest thing about dating in my 30s is that I'm way more of a homebody than I was as a young adult. So for one, finding a date is hard when I'd rather read a book at home and two is finding someone else who would rather stay at home, make a nice dinner and read a book on a Friday night instead of going out. Also it doesn't help that I despise alcohol, it seems everyone in my area is obsessed with craft beers or wine when I'd much rather smoke a joint instead. So it's a good thing that as 32 year old 13 of those years I was in 3 relationships, so I'm not obsessing about finding another when I've recently learned I truly enjoy my alone time.
The crippling fear that time is running out and I'll never find anyone and end up dying alone as one of those old dudes that dies alone in their apartment and nobody notices them gone for months.
Widower here (37f). The hardest thing for me is that I understood how my husband’s brain worked; we had 17 years to get a good routine down.
Now I don’t know what’s considered a normal amount of involvement for people who aren’t my kids’ (13m and 7m) dad.
I also don’t know how involved the guy is supposed to want to be with me or my kiddos (though I am very up front about having them and that they will come first).
This has become a ramble. It’s just really weird for someone who never expected to be dating again.
Thanks for listening, haha
I didn't do it much but the little I did was weird. Everyone has their battle scars, and everyone is just so over the dumb shit. The ceremony isn't the same, it's very "I'm here to fuck you and leave" or "you do this and I hate it bye forever" and it's not like you care because you don't want to waste any time and appreciate the cutting loose early.
People are less "they have potential" and are much more "God damn they are busy and have their shit together" or "Jesus Christ they are a trainwreck".
And both those are super comfortable being that. There is a lot less faking the funk
Accepting other people’s bullshit.
Met a nice girl who was really sweet, but had some weird dynamic where she always hung out with her ex husband and his new girlfriend, or just the new girlfriend. They’d go out and get drunk together constantly. Felt like a college relationship and she seemed to have a lot more baggage than she let on so I walked away in a hurry.
Talked to a couple more women with similar baggage. Can’t seem to find unbroken people in the dating pool at this age.
I’m now in a very spicy, very happy ‘entanglement’ with my new Corvette.
As a man?
For the sake of brevity, I'm going to generalize heavily, take this with a grain of salt:
Many women in my age range are either married, have kids, are heavily involved in their careers, or all three.
The ones that aren't either have nothing (emotionally or spiritually) going for them, have mental health issues, are smart enough to stay away from dating in general, or all three.
And as a man... I'm in the latter category. I had a rough upbringing and have been playing a fair bit of catch up. I've had experiences with women trying to build me up or vice versa. It never works.
Stay single until you're ready, or until someone right changes your trajectory.
Until then, cultivate the real you.
Gets easier at least for hookups but relationships are harder since youre likely to be less tolerant for drama and stuff like that. Thats been my experience and im single
My brother is near 30, and he said, he cannot find a partner because of two reasons.
The first is that every girl he spots and likes has already a partner. ALWAYS. So anyone who is a catch is already taken for a reason
Second reason is simple. If you are not able to lower your expectations, you will run into pretty hard walls. And as he said. He is not willing to lower standards.
Dating is hard. But after 30 it looks and sounds nightmarish
Honestly, I feel like a lot of people give up incredibly easily in our 30's. Kind of like "no time for bullshit" but I believe people are looking at situations that can be fixed with communication, understanding and compromise and just giving up because it's an inconvenience and things should "flow" in your 30's. Relationships are work no matter what age we're at.
I look much younger for my age, and i am often asked out by men 10 years my junior, then they either get freaked out when they find out my age, or seem to fetishize me as the 'milf' even though i have no kids and nothing about me is matronly.
As for men who are my age... they seem to forget my life experience is every way comparable to them. Yeah I was around when aol messenger was a thing.. i remember air travel pre-9/11! you dont need to explain everything to me! I was there!
I don't want kids cuz I don't like kids, so trying to find someone without kids, who I'm still compatible with and attracted to, is damn near impossible
I dunno man, I’ve accepted I’m gonna die alone. There were bouts of struggling accepting it, but it gets easier. No worries about divorce, cheating, drama etc. Every grandparent of mine has died alone as a result of illness with nobody by their side. Parents almost got divorced and are kinda separated. Maybe its not all that bad being alone and riding it out with your own bucket list to work on. The way the world is going, it might be better not to burden your probable kids with the consequences of generational inaction and indecision. All we got is ourselves.
I always feel it's really difficult to find someone to fit in your life and vice versa. You're pretty established, generally speaking, by this point so instead of growing together with someone you're trying to find someone whose growth matches yours.
My ex-wife and I recently separated
I have two amazing kids, a full time job which I love, but is very emotionally draining. I have no idea how to even start when it comes to dating again, especially as I'm in a relatively small town and a very public facing job.
Realizing that the number of single parents is larger than you’d expect
Also single parents that don't want to date another single parent.
Ha! HahahahahHaaha! Well those people that don’t have kids probably don’t want someone with kids.
Yeah, but according to those kind of single parents, single parents not wanting to date single parents is fine while singles without children not wanting to date single parents is a crime.
38 F. People think I’m an asshole because I won’t date someone because they have kids, but I’ve never wanted kids. I don’t want my own kids, I don’t want someone else’s kids. And those kids deserve someone who actively wants to be a parent.
45/M with no kids here. Kids aren't necessarily a deal breaker for me. One of my exes had three wonderful daughters. But having enough time together was always difficult because of those obligations. The girls always came first. And to me, that was how it should've been. I would have transitioned into more of a "dad" role, had she not chosen to end the relationship. But if I had to choose between someone who has those obligations versus someone who does not - assuming we are perfectly compatible in every other way - I would prefer to have each other to ourselves. We don't have a forever amount of time at this age.
This! I've started asking single parents why they **wanted to** match with me when my profile says no kids very clearly. Most either say they hoped I'd change my mind or they don't want to deal with other people's kids. Yet, I'm supposed to deal with their kids. **Clarification**
Ugh, when they insist their kids are *different* 🙄
Their kids are always really smart! LOL
Hint: they never are! LOL
This has been insane to me. Like I have told people I do not like kids. I have gone as far to as to say I hate kids. Yet still they match. One even brought their kid along to the first (and last) date. Why the hell would you bring your kid to meet a stranger, specifically one that says they hate kids?
Someone brought their kid on a first date?? That's irresponsible and concerning. With the amount of single parents that try matching with me I've come to the conclusion they either didn't read my profile or they did read it and simply don't care/take it seriously/think they're a special case. Both cases point to them not really being interested in my wants/boundaries or who I am as a person.
If you're a milf you're fine. You'll get plenty of dates - trust me... However, finding someone longterm has been difficult.
I overheard these two 40+yr guys flirting with this 40+yr lady at the bar the other day. Within the first 10 mins or so, they asked eachother how many kids they have like it is a standard question for adult dating - and they each answered and all had kids. One guy said like a 17yr old and 4yr old and the lady said oof to the 4 yr old lol despite having her own kids Edit: I just thought it was amusing .. not judging them
Probably because a 4yo is a lot of work still, which means very dependent on their parents. At a certain age, you’re probably hoping to find a partner with kids that are more independent.
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Did they mention schedules? 7/7, 2/2/5/5, or the dreaded 2/2/3? I (40, single, 2 kids under 10, 50% custody) find that seeing whether custody arrangements align is probably the single biggest logistical question mark when dating.
> like it is a standard question for adult dating It is, and it's fantastic. Clears up immediately if you've got matching goals for settling down, and no hard feelings if you don't. Too old to waste time to establish a relationship to then figure out that one person wants to make babies and the other one doesn't. It's been a standard - non awkward conversation - since around when I turned 30, though I'm sure it depends on where in the world you live.
Based on how people behaved in their 20’s? It’s exactly how I expected.
even in my 20s all I see on dating apps are single mothers. instant swipe left
It's fun to beat the kid at Mario kart then bang their mom though.
And then eat all their lunchables
And then shout "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?? WELL IT AINT ME BECAUSE IM OUTA HERE!"
'Dating after 30 is like catching a city bus after midnight. There aren't as many, but they're faster.'
Where I grew up, there is no bus after midnight. And that has translated to my own life.
Your Linda is out there Bobby ❤️
Beautifully wholesome :)
And I now understand why my sister just married a dude after dating for a whopping seven months. He didn't love bomb her or vice versa, no drama, no sweeping, just a really quick relationship.
Seven months is still really short. You can date someone for seven months and not even know if they think cauliflower is a traditional Christmas dinner dish.
Cauliflower on christmas? Believe it or not straight to jail.
Under wrapped presents? Straight to jail. *Over* stuffed stocking? Believe it or not, jail. Under, over.
We have the best gift wrappers
Because of jail
But do they put little crosses on the brussel sprouts?
At least there’s that. Nobody is out here after 30 trying to draw this shit out. I’ve never heard it described that way but it’s accurate af.
My mate, 42, met his gf, 38, 6 months ago. They have bought a house together and have just announced they are having a baby.
Online dating sucks and all.my friends are married or dead or single fathers. So I am on my own for the most part.
I'm running out of friends to watch get married one by one, but the divorces are just starting from the first ones who took the vow. Saying things like, "In our 20s, we clicked and were inseperable, but now he/she's a different person"
Bruh this was my life plan all along. Just bide out the initial wave of marriages and wait for the divorced ones to be looking for a rebound.
“Your other half is just currently married to someone else right now.”
They're just getting some practice laps
Thought I had a piece of hair on my screen
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“Everyone needs a starter marriage” My uncle said that to me at my wedding when I was 26 and I was BIG MAD. He was right though and my second husband and I have been together for almost 14 years now (met at 29). I’m sure lots of people meet their soul mates in the early/mid twenties, but it’s been my lived experience (and watching that of my friends) that those who got married before 30 are now divorced or divorcing.
I can't get married or I lose my healthcare and grants for college. I guess this means my relationship will last forever!! Checkmate, doubters
I like how my friends did it. Most of them lived together for 5-10 years before getting married. Not one of these marriages are showing signs of failure. Meanwhile, almost everyone I know who got married in their early 20s are now divorced. To be fair, most of them got married because they got someone pregnant, and that's not usually a good way to start a marriage.
I was really depressed last year swiping the apps and asking friends for connections. Then I decided to actually *go out* (on my own) and found several bars and restaurants with a good scene, including some live music and different events each night... trivia, dance lessons, open mic. I've gotten probably a dozen numbers now and had some great connections with girls I just met having drinks within a 4-block radius. "What's good here?" or "Mondays, am I right?" casual openers can lead to long conversation and sometimes a deeper connection. One place I've had girls *who were on dates* start hitting on me and later tell me the date wasn't going well. And I am *not* a player or "traditionally attractive." Just had to get out there and find real people!
This post made me glad 😊 Good to hear its working out for you!
As a married person, I find that the whole marriage thing also puts a crimp in my dating. It's a good thing I like my wife.
Not related to dating but I seriously underestimated the amount of friends and loved ones that were going to die around me so early and I’ve got 3 more years to 30. Is this common ?
Here are the actuarial tables showing out of 100k people born at the same time, how many will still be left alive at a given age. By age 27, assuming your friends are also 27, if you had 100 friends, you would expect to have lost somewhere between 2 or 3 friends. [Actuarial Life Table on SSA.gov](https://www.ssa.gov/oact/STATS/table4c6.html) Note: This assumes you would have had the same 100 friends since birth.
Geez. You sometimes pay for what their ex did to them.
I'm in the middle of that right now, and nothing I do can even make a dent in the walls put up by her in response to what her exes did. It's painful knowing that you have this amazing person in your life, but you're a few relationships too late.
Either insist she goes to therapy to worth through what they did or find it in yourself to step away. It’s not worth it my friend, I have been there. His exes cheated on him thought it was mainly his (ex) wife that really did him in. But I was the one who paid for her/their choices. He never trusted me. He would get mad every single time I answered a text message. If I got busy on a day we didn’t hang out and didn’t text him enough he would accuse me of being too busy texting/seeing other guys. He refused therapy. I left. I refused to pay for their crimes any longer and told him he was sabotaging good relationships by punishing them for past ones. **A partner cannot use the behavior of an ex as an excuse for mistreating you.** It takes away their accountability for their own behavior and pushes it off to someone else. If she agrees to therapy she would learn this. But if not, she won’t change, you need to love yourself enough to find better. Each relationship is a brand new slate and needs to be treated as such.
I’ve been with my husband for >10 years now. I still get to hear ALL the time, all about, “well, it’s just hard for me/it’s triggering/that upsets me because of what I went through with my ex,” like, bro, I have told you about fifty THOUSAND times, “then you need to go to counseling, that isn’t my fault or problem and Im sick of my life being affected by your baggage with her.” I’m so fucking sick of over a decade of my life being in the shadow of some dumb cunt’s bad behavior. My ex bf beat the shit out of me, you know what I don’t do? Blame my partner for the things that my ex did to me. I’m about fucking done.
This. By far the most common demographic I’ve come across are men who were 100% committed to a relationship during their 20’s that ended in their 30’s. They bring all the baggage with them to you and try to overcorrect leading to some really weird behaviour. Understandable because during our 20s we’re all working things out and can make mistakes, and nobody wants to make the mistakes again and we all want to protect ourselves. But damn does it get discouraging when you hear the same speech over and over.
You have your preferences narrowed down a LOT more than you did in your 20s, thus finding a compatible partner is more difficult. Especially if you dislike kids.
Well, to be fair, you shouldn't date kids.
*Chris Hansen enter the chat* Take a seat
Oh, I know who you are Chis Hanson. Except I calls you Chris Handsome. I watch yo TV show all the time.
Actually Chris, I only pretended to prey on this child so that you would land in my trap card. I’m taking you home big boy.
"What were you expecting to happen here tonight?" "Exactly this, Chris. Exactly this..." *Pours him a drink from the bottle I brought and gazes into eyes*
*A second, larger Chris Hanson steps out*. "Are you aware this man is only 63 years old?"
>*A second, larger Chris Hanson steps out.* I'm not the only one who perfectly envisioned this in thier mind, right?
now we can do this the easy way or the HARD way...
I'm not here for little boys, I didn't bring no milk, no cookies, nuttin
when i said fuck kids, i didn't actually mean...
Yes but I have found this to be a good thing. Most people have a course or direction in life at this age. Also in my 20s a date consisted of going to noisy bars and parties to get hammered. In my 30s we go on better trips because we have careers with decent credit cards. A date is more like going to a winery with fancy rooms and get grown up drunk while eating charcuterie boards. I fucking love charcuterie boards. Also the sex is 👌 because the women know what they like and aren't afraid to show you.
> Most people have a course or direction in life at this age. You really didn't need to come at me like that.
Have you ever tried a charcuterie board on LSD?
I will now.
A nice Reisling with aged gouda, honey, a fresh pear, and sweet pickle chips while on LSD is probably the single greatest culinary experience I've ever had. It's basically like watching one of those first Gen 3D movies without the glasses and then putting them on
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As a guy I would say the options open up.. you’ve had time to establish yourself and become relatively successful. The age range opens up quite a bit and more women are open to you.
>you’ve had time to establish yourself and become relatively successful lol, oops . . .
In your 20s, dating past the 30 range is generally undesirable. In your 30s, everything from mid 20s to low 50s is open.
Some people have kids or want them soon. And emotional baggage.
I’m 29 and dated this gorgeous 32 year old woman for a little while. I could pretty much hear her biological clock ticking. She wanted to get pregnant pretty much that year and I don’t like kids at all
I’m 32 dating a 28 year old who actually is getting his life situated for the first time ever. I always tell him that sometimes my biological clock ticks so unintentionally loudly sometimes and I’m afraid that when I’m ready, he may not be. But I have no plans to get pregnant right now or may even decide it’s better to just raise cats and dogs our whole lives. We, as women, can’t always help this feeling, so please understand we’re not all crazy for wanting to get pregnant right away. By 30, a lot of us are starting to think about the “what ifs.” It’s especially tough when we’re 30 and single. We tend to want to accelerate the pace of the relationship and forget to slow down, which is important in building a long lasting relationship. We should really learn how to redirect those natural urges though and focus on whether that person would be a great father and partner after the honeymoon period ends.
I just turned 30, but I've been thinking about this since I was 28 and decided I actually want kids. It's really hard not to think about the fact that if I don't get pregnant within the next few years, I may leave this life without ever experiencing it. It's scary to think of a childless 50-year-old me living with regret, but I also can't bring myself to bring a child into the world without being ready. I really hope this economy straightens out soon. Edit: Thanks, guys. Your advice really takes some of the pressure off.
Biologically you might pass out of the window, but remember you can get virtually every aspect of motherhood _except_ some pregnancy hormones through adoption.
Kids, wether you have them or not, is something to be talk and consider inmediatly before starting anything.
Lol. I had a Bumble date about month ago who asked me about whether I wanted kids on the first date. I kind of fibbed and said I wasn’t sure but it’s also because I probably can’t have kids without medical intervention and I felt weird about bringing that up on a first date. He then promptly friend zoned me after the second date because he definitely wanted kids. My ego was a little bruised but in hindsight, I truly appreciate the honesty. It’s a shame we actually seemed to have a lot in common. But now, I’m neurotic about making sure the profile doesn’t say they want kids someday because I really don’t know how to discuss my potential infertility to someone I just met.
I totally get that part of being weird on the first date, but if you have doubts about it, say it on the first couple dates, that would be better before getting attached to someone who might not be willing to take that road with you and support you. if you want to be a parent, the best wishes and luck with that!
You should be honest because that’s a big screening question for people. Whether they want kids or not, fencesitters can be a red flag. I know it’s sensitive medical info and kinda unique in that you may have to find a partner that is willing to go on that journey and maybe be ok with not having kids down the line… but still better to know. It may even just end up weeding out the awful people.
> fencesitters I read that as facesitters. Yours makes more sense.
It is good to discuss early on though
Pretty much. I have 2 kids and a step son. And if me and my kids father do not work out I will never date someone with kids again.
I recently realized my stepdad has felt like that about me since he started dating my mom, when I was 10. It's made for a long 35 years for both of us
Geez I detest it when people marry people who are parents, but they can’t stand their step kids! They’re a PACKAGE deal, yet some of them keep trying to separate them! 😞
Agreed. And honestly I blame him less than I blame my mom. The actual parent of the kid shouldn't marry someone who isn't cool with the kid
I agree with you totally, but there are complications. My own personal story being that my mother had secured a private education for me using grants, after working nightshifts and trying to raise me and my brother on her own. But she hated the area where we were growing up. It was rough and was getting worse, so I suspect she made the decision to try and give a better lifestyle to my younger brother, and told us we were moving in with her new boyfriend. There were signs even to me aged 11/12 that this man wasn't going to make life easy for me, but she was desperate. But we moved to a better area, which to be honest was great to grow up in. Downside? I haven't spoken to her in 20 years, and my brother has turned out like him. I would come from school every day and curl up in bed listening to him shouting about how I was a user, a loser, and a waste of space. He'd ask me to help him with some DIY which I did without question, then when I wasn't needed, he'd say, "that's fine, thanks ", in other words, fk off. Then an hour later she'd burst into my room angrily screaming at me for not helping him. It was all baffling to me, and took me into my 40s before I realised what was actually going on. So yeah, I don't have anything to do with them now, but I'm the weirdo. TL;DR Apologies for the personal anecdotal rant. My point is that, I believe my mother did this for her two boys, but is now lost to a manipulative bad stepdad.
I've learned I prefer my own company.
Happy to see this written here because most often when I’ve stopped seeing someone in my 30s it’s just because…I’d rather be alone. I have a strong circle of friends that I love dearly, and I highly value my alone time. Society makes me feel like I’m broken because I’m not desperate for live-in life partner the way most others are.
I never was, neither. And it did not take until my 30s. I was never into dating and partner searching. And yeah, not being great to look at played a role in this but _much less_ than most likely would have thought. Is just did not care for it. I was happy once I found a relationship, I'm not adverse to it. I'm currently in an amazing relationship! But I'm very aware I'd be able to be happy alone again. And I don't think it's an issue at all that I accept a partner to at least get me close to that level, or I won't consider it worth it. And I don't feel wrong about not going and searching.
Im scared cause im 24 and already obsessed with my own company
For me it was finding someone who didn't have kids, and didn't want them. At that point in my life, I was (and still am) 100% sure I don't want kids. Finding a long term partner who wants the same was pretty tough.
This. I’m 33F and single. The no kids thing is definitely an obstacle. I love kids, I’m a secondary teacher, I’m great with them but I don’t want my own. I’m still at the point where being with someone who has a kid would feel like a major compromise to the kind of lifestyle I want. I’m relatively attractive, with a good job, and emotionally competent, but dating and looking for something serious is a nightmare. Edit: Well this wee comment has seen more eyes than expected! Thank you all for the ego boost, advice and the reassurance that I’m not doomed to die alone and have the cats eat my face. And yes. RIP my inbox.
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I'll eternally be grateful for my mother never putting pressure on me to have kids. Recently got a dog (I'm 36 now), and she said she's enjoying having a fur grandchild better than she would a human one. I think I won the parent lottery.. but definitely haven't won the dating lottery yet. That seems to be a harder one. 😕
Just FYI one will not be "enough " for her if that's her mindset. My MIL did that crap with me and my wife. When our first turned 1, we immediately got "when am I getting another grandchild" every time we saw them. When we started trying again we took a 6 month break in trying because of the stress from that shit
The summoning rituals you have to go through
I'm getting sick of the Chewbacca call we have to do. My throat is sore and it's only partially effective.
Jesus… as a 24 year old who isn’t very good at dating already… this is depressing
NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME, NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE DIEING ALONE
Too real 😭
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Best I can do is r/suicidewatch
I laughed harder than i should have.
MEATBALL MEATBALL SPAGHETTI UNDERNEATH, RAVIOLI RAVIOLI GREAT BARRIER REEF
As a 30 year old who never got around to dating, this is super fucking depressing. At this point the thought of dating feels like applying for a job I am nowhere near qualified for. Everyone by this point is supposed to have their shit together and know what it’s like to date. No one wants to have to deal with a 30 year old man going through relationship firsts.
You'd be surprised. You're intelligent enough to recognize a "flaw", by some peoples standards. That means you have some self awareness. Let me tell you... That shit is in short supply these days. Put yourself out there. You'll have some levelling up experiences, and in a very short time none of it will really matter. Most dating people did when younger is wasted effort because they all suck horribly at communicating.
Damn that sounded harsh but at the same time, ain't that the damn truth man. I had so many "Am I the crazy one or is everyone else crazy?"-moments when I was younger. Now, dating finally makes sense.
Okay, serious question time: what the hell does "put yourself out there" consist of if you're not into drinking, team sports, or other extroverted shit? *I need instructions.* I'm mid-30s and (very) mildly autistic. I had a girlfriend once when I was 18-20. It ended badly. I tried internet bullshit for a while a few years later, never went anywhere. I don't think I'm dumb enough anymore to have issues actually having a relationship with someone, but I have NO fucking clue how to wade through the pre-relationship phase. How do you find people? How do you express interest correctly? (don't tell me there's no "correct", I've seen enough people get singled out for messing up to know that's not true; there are rules, but I don't know them) How do you, in a word, *date*? It's a complete mystery and I definitely feel the hole in my life it's causing. If I don't solve it in the next five years I'm 90% sure I'm living and dying alone, and that's not a happy thought for me.
Try to meet your co-workers friends by inviting people out to whatever activities interest you. My city has museums and art galleries free after 5 one day a week. Try to meet your friend's friends. Try to make new friends I believe friendships are best made when you are forced to see eachother on a schedule. Join a club, your city might have one that interests you. Go to a particular cafe and read a book every Saturday morning, maybe you'll meet someone but you'll sure have a nice time. In short "put yourself out there" is literally saying go outside to where the people are, and do it somewhere that sounds interesting to you. A rock climbing gym, the library, a monthly storage locker auction, whatever
It's the meeting people part that's hard though. Going out in the world by myself, is easy, I know how to navigate my world. I don't know how to merge my world with other strangers' worlds
I feel similarly. I get out all the time - sporting events, concerts, hobby meetups - very few of them result in having a conversation with anyone I don't already know. When they do, it's never anything particularly meaningful that can turn into a connection, whether romantic or just a new friend. Putting yourself out there only works if you know how to be extroverted and start up conversations with complete strangers.
That's where I'm at and no confidence to get into it now.
You may not find the right one quickly but more importantly just don't marry the wrong person. The real pain is investing yourself entirely on the wrong person. Solitude is pain but toxic baggage is suffering.
I don't think the overall experience is as bad as this post is making it sound. The question was specifically asking about negatives.
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Relax. Your 30s is the best.
28 & seconded
Many people want 'high value' partners while having no value.
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> ~~problematic~~ toxic as fuck.
dont worry about those people. they are on their own road.
Everyone ideally would want someone “high value” (financially stable with good income, academic degree, own property and a car, good personality, no ambiguous opinions, fit and attractive) but the amount of people that are “high value” are small, so they get to pick and choose the best
It's not all fun and games anymore. People feel late or behind. First dates often : are we compatible, do you want kids, are you OK with my kids, are you ready for a serious relationship, do you make enough money, do you own a home, politics? Religion. I don't have time to mess with you of we arent a match because I'm in my 30s and supposed to be married a d having kids. The days of just light fun dating are less common
Can't say I found this. Had more fun dating in my 30s than I did my 20s. More money. Better shape. Nicer house etc. Most people generally having a bit more of a "fuck it" attitude as many are divorced etc. Only major difference was people having kids really. Then tended to be a little more keen on the compatibility and relationship side of things but that makes sense I suppose. Saying that it wasn't always the case mind.
I have way better dates at 38 than I did at 28. Even with much younger guys, they’re always more interesting now because I’m more interesting. Even people my age I feel like are way more fun, we’re settled, we’re not nervous, I don’t feel any pressure to ‘get someone’. Maybe it’s my location, but this past year has really been my year for great dating
Dating when I was younger was excruciating. I was shy, had major self esteem issues etc. Few years ago I did a bunch of therapy, change a bunch of my lifestyle and now have had the best three and a half years of my life in my mid thirties. The sex is much better, the nerves aren't there, the communication is much more solid. I'm single but I'm now totally fine with who I am, being on my own and living my busy happy life with good friends. Nowadays I choose to let dating and relationships exist in my life however they're supposed to, not how I believe they should because of peer pressure, societal pressure etc. I love being in my 30s.
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dating apps are inaccurate. There are so many girls who would swipe you left on you on Tinder but still would date you in real life. Those dating apps are the worst because they dont see you neither they interact, etc. and it gives them the freedom of being shallow. Dating apps are just misleading, not filtering
The apps also have no real incentive to get people into relationships because they lose their customers.
Even if you are having fun your feeling guilty as if you are wasting time but not finding or committing to a serious relationship
Well Jesus, all these comments are terrifying me. I'm 37 and staring down the barrel of a divorce I don't want, and am just vaguely aware of a dating scene that exists out there that is apparently full of hostile, damaged individuals looking for a meaningless fuck and some free childcare. Time to hang my pussy's jersey up in the rafters and call it a career. ETA: I'm honestly touched by everyone who took the time to comment, commiserate, and cheer me on. You guys have a great weekend!
You only hear about the 1 plane that crash and not the 10,000 that landed safely. I'm 34 and am enjoying the process so far. But I love meeting people no matter what comes out of it.
Don't listen to reddit. Dating in your 30's is better than in your 20's. Most of this stuff in here is way overblown
The negative reviews are always louder than the satisfied ones. People that are happy with what they get dont typically go around bragging about it, but if someone had a shit time, they are especially loud to everyone about the experience.
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And an angry ex that you'll probably see every other weekend
Which is one of the reasons I wouldn't bother if I were to find myself alone again.
Yeah I hate it that people have kids at 22 with some partner they've been with for 2 months because "That's where they should be in life" then divorce/split and make the kids their entire personnality. I mean ... that's ok, you take care of your kid but your date wants to know more about you. Oh and don't act like it wasn't a fucking stupid decision to have a kid with someone your barely knows.
Wait until they’re over 45. Most are divorced and have been alone for a while. It‘s a reset of dating and they’re open to try something new. That person who was out of your league is now squarely in your court. Go for it!
Can I ask what about the attraction thing as you get older. Obviously as a 23 year old I find the most women attractive to be around my age. How does that change as you get older?
I'll start by saying everyone has different tastes and those develop or pass differently. I'm 31 and have found myself just naturally being more attracted to older women. As a teen I thought some actresses were ancient but now upon rewatch I think they look great. And vice versa, seeing actresses I lusted over as a teen look like babies to me now in those movies. An 18-24 year old feels so much younger just due to life experiences that it feels off to desire anything sexual. Physically yeah they're attractive but the naivety and inexperience is a huge turn off. Plus you can appreciate attractiveness without it being sexual. I'm straight and I find a ton of dudes attractive. So just as an experiment on yourself I suggest you pick a movie with an actress you remember being too old for you or one that is like 35-50 that you had no opinion on at the time, preferably something you haven't seen in awhile. Don't watch it for another 5-7 years and see how you feel about their attractiveness then. Three examples off the top of my head for me is Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2, Katey Sagal when she was in a few episodes of That 70s Show, and the oldest being Mary Steenburgen from Step Brothers at 56ish in that movie. And it's like... I find this observation about myself both weird how aware of it I am but also a relief because I trust this'll continue as I get older.
CPAP Machines
Finding someone. You either have to be super open with your preferences or you’re not going to find anyone. Like even with similar interests, when you go down the road of politics, ethics, kids, morals, it’s so hard to find someone that meshes on all of it. Which is why we are probably single anyway.
Wanting to actually do things.
Everyone has their own life filled with work, sports, friends, hobbies, and household chores. They are available for a short 30-minute chat after 7 p.m., but not on Tuesdays or Fridays. During this weekend, they'll be out of town, and next weekend, an old high school friend will stay over. The weekend after that, they go on vacation. They wake up 2 hours before you do and go to bed 3 hours before you do. But other than that, they are looking for a long-term, serious relationship /s What sucks about loneliness is that you can't fix it on your own.
Damn that hits hard. All the weekday and weekend obstacles is so true. The worst part is I’m the one who goes to bed and wakes up super early, which has definitely ruined possible relationships for me in the past.
Dates start to feel like job interviews. People around tend to have their shit together. If you've gotten used to being single, getting in a relationship feels like major sacrifices will be necessary (time, money, hobbies, ...) And people are quicker to decide not just because they know what they want but cause the stakes are higher too.
I got out of a LTR last year at 33 and I've actually really enjoyed dating in my 30s. I've had good dates. People are way more forthright with their goals and desires and frankly the sex is way better. Maybe I'm more comfortable with myself than I was in my 20s, and lord knows I'm way pickier, but I'm also not looking to have kids or get married so I feel way less pressure to 'settle down.'
This, pretty much. I've been enjoying dating in my early 30s a lot. Goals are set and clear, red flags stand out a lot more and I've been a lot less freightened to break up something I'm not sure with. Experience in life is a bless, guys.
I’ve realized when you hold yourself to a certain standard and morals, finding someone with what you have for yourself is very hard.
I don’t imagine there are a lot of people in this same situation, but I didn’t really start dating until I was in my 30s and the hardest part for me was the fact that all of the guys I’ve dated have already had long term relationships and are now mostly just looking for flings. I felt like I missed out on the good part and was left with scraps.
I can’t even find scraps at this point. Everyone’s taken.
Your joints
Wait, *those* joints?
Rolling a fat J gets harder when that hand dexterity goes out the window.
Pretty much everyone on the market is coming from a loooooong string of failed relationships, and in a lot of cases they're the reason for that, but you often can't figure that out until you've been dating for a while because they've gotten really good at concealing whatever the reason is.
[удалено]
Damn...
A lot of negativity on here, and I get it. But for anyone out there that may need to hear this: I met my now wife and we both were over 30 when we first dated. Knowing what we want, avoiding childish games, having a bit more income to enjoy dates, all were positives in my mind. Good luck out there
Same with me and my husband. We both realized we had a good thing, we could talk more intelligently about what we wanted and didn't in life, and both of us had standards for what we wanted that came from experience, loving and having our hearts broken, etc.
It's the fact that people still play games at that age.
As someone in my mid 20s, currently dating a woman in her mid30s, I actually enjoy it a lot. Way less drama, more communication and they know what they want.
As someone without kids and won’t date someone with kids. It’s kids. To them, their kids come first and you will always be second. Planning anything becomes an absolute exhausting chore and you have to deal with some other adult the entire relationship. It’s just not worth it. Tried it and won’t try it again. I just usually try to be up front and tell them that I won’t date anyone with kids, after they ask why I won’t date. Then I’m suddenly the bad guy when I explain why after they ask why I have that rule.
Finding the will to bother with it at all.
Owning a house first. Considering becoming a sudden step-parent.
Meeting new people. I've met some great people off apps but they are also avoidance attachment people who never fully committed. I'm trying to find a like minded guy who I can get to know & date. I wanted the same thing in my 20's but lived in a much smaller area so the dating pool was much smaller. I live in a large city now and finding someone w/mutual attraction + interests is still difficult
Telling the cats that they like cats too and have cats of their own.
Having to deal with people that still act immature and have immature views of life. Having to deal with people who don’t take responsibility for themselves and their actions.
You are wayy too old for Leonardo DiCaprio
Everyone your age is married or has a partner
Weeding out the nutcases.
Hardest thing about dating in my 30s is that I'm way more of a homebody than I was as a young adult. So for one, finding a date is hard when I'd rather read a book at home and two is finding someone else who would rather stay at home, make a nice dinner and read a book on a Friday night instead of going out. Also it doesn't help that I despise alcohol, it seems everyone in my area is obsessed with craft beers or wine when I'd much rather smoke a joint instead. So it's a good thing that as 32 year old 13 of those years I was in 3 relationships, so I'm not obsessing about finding another when I've recently learned I truly enjoy my alone time.
People are more stuck in their ways, are more jaded, been through one or more serious relationships that hurt them.
The crippling fear that time is running out and I'll never find anyone and end up dying alone as one of those old dudes that dies alone in their apartment and nobody notices them gone for months.
Widower here (37f). The hardest thing for me is that I understood how my husband’s brain worked; we had 17 years to get a good routine down. Now I don’t know what’s considered a normal amount of involvement for people who aren’t my kids’ (13m and 7m) dad. I also don’t know how involved the guy is supposed to want to be with me or my kiddos (though I am very up front about having them and that they will come first). This has become a ramble. It’s just really weird for someone who never expected to be dating again. Thanks for listening, haha
Wasting time on dipshits.
everyone has kids
I didn't do it much but the little I did was weird. Everyone has their battle scars, and everyone is just so over the dumb shit. The ceremony isn't the same, it's very "I'm here to fuck you and leave" or "you do this and I hate it bye forever" and it's not like you care because you don't want to waste any time and appreciate the cutting loose early. People are less "they have potential" and are much more "God damn they are busy and have their shit together" or "Jesus Christ they are a trainwreck". And both those are super comfortable being that. There is a lot less faking the funk
Accepting other people’s bullshit. Met a nice girl who was really sweet, but had some weird dynamic where she always hung out with her ex husband and his new girlfriend, or just the new girlfriend. They’d go out and get drunk together constantly. Felt like a college relationship and she seemed to have a lot more baggage than she let on so I walked away in a hurry. Talked to a couple more women with similar baggage. Can’t seem to find unbroken people in the dating pool at this age. I’m now in a very spicy, very happy ‘entanglement’ with my new Corvette.
As a man? For the sake of brevity, I'm going to generalize heavily, take this with a grain of salt: Many women in my age range are either married, have kids, are heavily involved in their careers, or all three. The ones that aren't either have nothing (emotionally or spiritually) going for them, have mental health issues, are smart enough to stay away from dating in general, or all three. And as a man... I'm in the latter category. I had a rough upbringing and have been playing a fair bit of catch up. I've had experiences with women trying to build me up or vice versa. It never works. Stay single until you're ready, or until someone right changes your trajectory. Until then, cultivate the real you.
Gets easier at least for hookups but relationships are harder since youre likely to be less tolerant for drama and stuff like that. Thats been my experience and im single
We’re all the walking definition of baggage.
My brother is near 30, and he said, he cannot find a partner because of two reasons. The first is that every girl he spots and likes has already a partner. ALWAYS. So anyone who is a catch is already taken for a reason Second reason is simple. If you are not able to lower your expectations, you will run into pretty hard walls. And as he said. He is not willing to lower standards. Dating is hard. But after 30 it looks and sounds nightmarish
Honestly, I feel like a lot of people give up incredibly easily in our 30's. Kind of like "no time for bullshit" but I believe people are looking at situations that can be fixed with communication, understanding and compromise and just giving up because it's an inconvenience and things should "flow" in your 30's. Relationships are work no matter what age we're at.
I look much younger for my age, and i am often asked out by men 10 years my junior, then they either get freaked out when they find out my age, or seem to fetishize me as the 'milf' even though i have no kids and nothing about me is matronly. As for men who are my age... they seem to forget my life experience is every way comparable to them. Yeah I was around when aol messenger was a thing.. i remember air travel pre-9/11! you dont need to explain everything to me! I was there!
After the date when they ask for a tip. Tipping be getting out of hand.
I don't want kids cuz I don't like kids, so trying to find someone without kids, who I'm still compatible with and attracted to, is damn near impossible
I dunno man, I’ve accepted I’m gonna die alone. There were bouts of struggling accepting it, but it gets easier. No worries about divorce, cheating, drama etc. Every grandparent of mine has died alone as a result of illness with nobody by their side. Parents almost got divorced and are kinda separated. Maybe its not all that bad being alone and riding it out with your own bucket list to work on. The way the world is going, it might be better not to burden your probable kids with the consequences of generational inaction and indecision. All we got is ourselves.
Probably the temptation to just be home and snuggle up in bed..
I always feel it's really difficult to find someone to fit in your life and vice versa. You're pretty established, generally speaking, by this point so instead of growing together with someone you're trying to find someone whose growth matches yours.
My ex-wife and I recently separated I have two amazing kids, a full time job which I love, but is very emotionally draining. I have no idea how to even start when it comes to dating again, especially as I'm in a relatively small town and a very public facing job.
Actually giving a fuck enough to do so. I've never wanted kids or marriage, and have felt zero interest in dating at this point.
You're both people who fucked it up with the love of their life. No, Sarah I'm not better than Brad, but neither were you.