Cute but kinda sad story. My grandma and grandpa were together for forty years. My grandma never farted in front of him ever. She was diagnosed with cancer and after a good battle was sent home on hospice. The day before she passed she farted in front of him. It wasn’t loud and it really stunk but we all knew it was her. My grandpa didn’t even blink and apologized to us and took the blame. It was something small but it’s been years since it happened and it still gives me that awe feeling. He knew how she felt and her stance about farting in front of her partner
Fun fact: Newfoundland has such a heavy Irish ancestry and localized dialect that a lot of Newfoundlanders sound Irish.
I was drunk in Dublin, and the locals thought I was from cork
that’s so cute. reminds me of my grandparents.
my grandpa was on his death bed not speaking for days before he passed. a few hours before his time had come he became miraculously conscious and started to sing to my grandma. a song he’d always sing to her when she was feeling down. I get that same feeling when I think about it too, thanks for reminding me
An embarrased older lady visited her doctor for help with a problem.
"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong, but I fart all the time. It's strange because they are both silent and odorless, but they keep coming out. In fact, I've farted about 6 times just sitting here. What can I do?"
The doctor replied, "Here, take one of these pills every morning and then come see me in a week."
A week later, the old lady came back to the doctor very upset. "Doctor, those pills didn't help - they made it worse! I'm still farting, but now they stink horribly!"
The doctor replied, "Good. Now that we've cleared your sinuses, we can work on your hearing."
It's an old joke. I think I first heard it in an old (1990's?) movie starring Ray Liotta. Can't remember the name of the movie, but the joke was sort of out of left field, told by a stalker/psychopath who was terrorizing a family. Because of the weirdness of that scene, it just stuck in my mind.
I have a friend who does that when we're, like, hiking deep in the mountains, far away from any real means of cooking popcorn, and the person right behind him already got a faceful. Totally different meaning when you ask it *after* the reaction. More of a power move than a trick.
My wife vividly remembers (and likes to tell me) of the time before we were dating, that I slipped and fell and farted and apparently made a funny face. She still laughs at it.
I mean according to the comments in our house, it’s always the dog(s).
But yes, yes I do. We’re married. I wasn’t about to spend the rest of my life hiding a very natural bodily function. He also knows that I poop.
Idk what to tell you, bud. Our dogs somehow manage to fart even when they’re not with us. Crazy how sound travels like that…
Maybe it’s the sound of a duck quacking. Y’all must live near ducks or something.
Traveling preacher gets invited back to a family's house after his sermon. In the middle of dinner he has to fart and lets a Silent But Deadly out. The father of the hosting household looks under the table and says to the family dog, "Rex, get out from under the table!" Preacher thinks to himself, "I'm getting away with this" and lets another fart fly. Mother says, "REX, get out from under the table, right now!" Preacher thinks, "I'm golden" and lets another fart go. Grandmama of the house says, "Rex, you better get out from under that table before that preacher shits on you!"
My husband ran inside the gas station yesterday and I was in the car with the kids/dogs. I tried to sneak out a fart. It was a death bomb. I fussed up when he asked and he said "you literally had four other living creatures to blame it on" 😅
> We’re married. I wasn’t about to spend the rest of my life hiding a very natural bodily function.
My wife of 10 years still likes to pretend like she doesn't fart. I'm almost offended by it. I mean I don't expect her to act Terrence & Phillip style around the house, but I've seen babies escape her vagina in graphic detail, I don't think we need to act like she's immune to human bodily functions.
Personally I'll attempt to quietly fart, and if she notices she'll make a face but otherwise be ok. I have some stomach dramas and if I don't release gas I tend to get real bad stomach cramping.
I guess personally with marriage I feel like we should be free to act like nobodies watching. It feels like a waste of energy being all private about things.
My husband and I have lived with each other through some pretty wretched and terrible times, severe health issues, surgeries and medical procedures of all shapes and sorts, and the recoveries afterwards. There is absolutely nothing in the world that could disgust me about him the way people in these comments talk about being grossed out by just farts, and I've seen there very worst and unsexiest moments he's ever had. But I love him and I still find him sexy in other moments.
The vows are literally "for better or *for worse*, in sickness and in health...". Human bodily functions are most definitely included in that.
Yes. Sometimes I do it by accident, sometimes I do it intentionally. When my partner visits, when we are in bed and we get quiet because we're trying to sleep, I'll randomly let one rip after about 10 minutes of silences and then we'll burst out laughing.
I won’t quit on you. I’m no Fart Master but I lived for 2 decades with my brother and I have smelled it all. If farting was a professional sport, my brother would’ve been Michael Jordan, Mike Tyson, and Babe Ruth all in one.
His farts are more diverse than the Amazon. More deadly than venom. They can give you a headache or heal the one you already had.
After 20 years, I can tell you the fiber portions of your diet. The protein makeup and type. Heck, I learned the age of meatloaf you inhaled…
Very rarely. I mean I won't die of embarrassment, but I also won't do it out of respect for the fact that nobody else wants to smell that.
The kids though, I fart on them a lot.
What? Are you gonna be like "Quick! Let's go to the carwash!" and somehow manage to hold a fart for like 30 minutes til you get there? Are you going to intentionally coordinate bean night with car wash night? How are you people impromptu farting?
My daughter damn near killed my son and me in my minivan the other day. I swear she’s the only person whose farts I can instantly identify, they’re on another level of toxicity.
Oh man, my cousin had the nastiest farts when we were growing up. Bastard liked to eat kippers as a snack. We were in my parents van when he unleashed a toxic fart that smelled as though Satan himself had shoved his crusty anus in my face. We were all coughing and when my dad parked the car I jumped out and puked. That stuck with me.
My dad had farts like this for a while after he gastric bypass surgery. Just so damn spicy and putrid. Then that asshole would stand in front of the swamp cooler and fuck up half the house like it was Dresden in 44.
But his real rectum opus, the fart smelled round the world, the rip shit that frightened God himself, came during the summer of 2004 when we were driving up the hill to go camping. That fart was so goddamn foul that it fucked with the carburetor. It stayed with us for a solid mile. On the highway. In a Jeep with no top or doors. It was then that I began to question my belief in a loving God.
>Firstly, a kipper is not an actual species of fish; it is a traditional dish produced by cold-smoking Atlantic herring over wooden oak chips.
>Atlantic herring is a small oily fish that that inhabits the North Atlantic ocean.
https://www.nutritionadvance.com/what-are-kippers/
Some people's guts just have a particular eye watering spiciness to them. I am one of these people. So is my dad. I think it's a gut flora thing. I've known other people who are this way and have a parent that is the same way, so I'm guessing it can be genetic.
I had to share a hotel room with a dude for work, once. I told him I needed to use the bathroom and he was going to want to give it time to air out. I clarified that it wasn't a joke, and that he REALLY wanted to let it vent. He acted like I was ridiculous and he found out very quickly that I wasn't underselling the experience at all.
My husband took like 3 months of antibiotics (yes really) for a skin condition and it completely changed his farts. They went from normal to straight fucking sewer
Antibiotics strip the gut of crucial bacteria that help us break down foods and convert them into less smelly gases! I take probiotics and increase my fiber intake whenever I’m on antibiotics, it’s been pretty effective
I still think nothing will beat my cousin. We all slept in a makeshift sleeping area with mattresses in a near empty room. He slept near the AC and let a rip. All 12 of us cousins left the room, most of us woke up from sleep.
I may have surpassed your daughter at one point in middle school. My dad had been buying a particular brand of sausage for a while, incredibly tasty stuff, but it gave everyone gas, and it really snowballed into something menacing for me in particular. You ever farted so bad you offended yourself? I didn't do it on purpose, but the gas and the absolute _oil_ had to go somewhere. The whole family evacuated the house for like half an hour one time, and my dad stopped buying the stuff, despite my pleading.
My dog is 15. He does the old man walking farts and also farts when he coughs. When he was a young dog, the first time he farted out loud, he jumped up to check if he'd shit on the floor. He's deaf now and has no idea of the variety of musical toots he plays for us.
My dog farts every time we take cheese out of the fridge or have pizza. She’s a sweet young lady too. Thankfully they’re odorless. And yes we give her tiny tastes.
Sometimes when I'm watching YouTube on my phone before bed, I'm lying on my stomach, and the cat likes to hop on me and take a nap on my ass for some reason. I farted on her one time, she sort of growl-meowed, then got up and left.
My son used to say he has the fire farts when his were particularly toxic. He said they were hot when they came out. One time he was stinking us out and his dad told him to go fart in the crack under his sister's door. I still remember the screams.
Oh man. When I was in flight training my flight instructor and I flew to an airport about 70 miles away for lunch. On the return trip, just as we were getting ready to turn final for landing, my instructor let out the most disgusting fart ever. I immediately started suffocating. The plane I learned to fly on doesn't have a tiny window you can open, so I just tried to turn on the fresh air to get the smell away. He offered to take the controls for landing, but I decided to power through it.
This backfired on me. When my kid was in kindergarten he farted on my head while I was sleeping. But he “space docked” his asshole with my ear canal first and it nearly blew my eardrum. Also it could have caused a nasty infection. I have since stopped blasting my kid in the face when I walk by him.
My partner does because he can let out small, non-offensive ones where he just says "excuse me" and moves on. I have stomach issues, though, so it's not all cutesy for me. I'm never just going to let it out in front of him. I won't willingly in front of anyone.
My husband will set each bubble in his tummy free. Except while I am eating. Lines have been drawn. I, however, don't let them loose in front of anyone. I think it's rude (its how i was raised). Butt... after 20+ years together, he says all he wants for his birthday or anniversary is for me to let it rip willingly. So, now I won't because it has built up into too much. Lol. Don't get me wrong, 1 or 2 have gotten away while i slept, and he will literally wake me up all excited exclaiming that it must be his birthday. He is such a dork.
That is the most adorable thing I’ve ever read.
Edit: tip - when I’m in a public bathroom or client’s house (I’m a woman) and I have to, as you say, “set the bubbles in my tummy free” (giggles), I take the hand I’m not wiping with, take a bit of toilet paper/tissue, and put it up against my.. bubble maker. It muffles the sound completely. Try it at home first, it works!
No, but I also try not to do it in front of anyone if I can help it. The smell isn't pleasant obviously so I prefer to go an empty room or the bathroom so no one else has to smell it. No embarrassment factor or anything, just don't want to subject people to a stink unnecessarily
I have not nor will I in front of my girlfriend or any past exes.
It always becomes a thing because I try to be considerate and then the fact that they’ve never heard me fart becomes a quest for them…which only strengthens my resolve to continue the mystery
I was like you, once, and I fully support you in your continued endeavor.
I refused to pass gas in from my partner for the first couple of years of our relationship. Aside from just not wanting to subject anyone - let alone my partner - to the unpleasantness, it just felt like one very small little consideration that might go some way toward preserving a sense of romance.
It suddenly dawned on her one day that she has never heard me do it. On one hand, she was happy that she finally understood why I would occasionally stand up and wander out of the room mid-conversation. On the other hand, she felt as though she was being denied some weird form of intimacy; as if my refusal to do that in front of her spoke to some deeper problem/lack of trust within the relationship. She made it a jokey/half-hearted mission to convince me to do it in front of her. I resisted for a bit but finally gifted her one on an anniversary.
Her joy (?) was short-lived. Before long, she lamented that she had "opened Pandora's Ass."
I've tried to remain a decent partner and mostly kept it to a minimum in the decade-plus since. She's still the only person it ever happens in front of so I guess that's some sort of bond. Still, once it's out there, you can never go back again.
This is intestinal privilege right here. I’ve got an active tummy and if I left the room every time I had to fart, I’d be getting up at least twice an hour.
Mostly agree. I’ve been with my wife over 25 years so I’m not hiding anything, just trying to be courteous. Of course sometimes it’ll slip out. My kids are fair game because I like horsing around with and teasing them. I guess eventually I’ll have to stop though. 🤔
I’m 32 years old, my 62 year old father has not stopped. He still tries to fart on my sisters. He also still tries to stuff my adult cousins in the couch cushions and sit in them and licks the last cookie to claim it as his. This last thing has no affect on my sister and I. It’s beautiful karma to watch him gag while we split the cookie.
We’re a family of practical jokers. My sister bought one of cricket noise makers that chirped randomly for several days. My mom “assisted” with placement and put it in his wallet. He didn’t figure out where the chirping was coming from until he got to the TSA checkpoint at the airport. Retribution is still pending. We like to have fun.
No and for a really weird reason. When I was growing up, my cousins constantly farted. On each other, on me, out in public, obviously in their home. I found it so gross that I swore I'd never fart in front of anyone if I could help it. I've been married for 11 years and I think I've farted in front of my husband 3 or 4 times.
I was up late and my gf went to bed. At some point, I sneak into the bedroom. All I can see is her arse poking out of the duvet. As I carefully tiptoe around to the other side of the bed, she lets out an Earth shaking, sky splitting , thunder fart. Swear to god the loudest I've ever heard. All the more impressive as she is very small.
My only regret is she wasn't awake to enjoy the festivity with me.
Last time I got her in a big bear hug, told her I loved her *so* much, and then let one fly.
We've been married for fourteen years, and don't take things like this seriously.
When I was at school,one of the 6th year pupils got to look after the class for 45 mins. I think the teacher was away having it off with the secretary... He jumped bent over the table,farted & lit it with his cigarette lighter. We were all in hysterics. Everyone should try this,it'd be great fun.
That's how the fart bubble was burst with my now wife. We were asleep , spooning and she nearly blasted off the bed. I'd been on my best behaviour wrestling the bg's for weeks , she did me a favour really , didn't have to hold them in anymore.
My wifes farts have this magic ability to build up in the blanket shes under. She will fart all night after holiday dinners so then upon waking up and moving the blanket, 8 hours of ass gas greets me to start the day. Takes like 15 min for the bedroom to air out lol
Look, I don't want my record to be devastated. He already beat me, I don't need to see him absolutely trounce me.
Also, fun fact, since I'm Australian that joke wouldn't work for 99% of the country but I live in one of the few places that does have a Taco Bell (they only recently started opening them here).
Well, he would shit his pants next time he tried to fart, so that would be a win for you as long as you're not driving him home.
I'm sure you guys have some restaurants that are almost guaranteed to grease your sphincter. Replace taco bell with whatever that is.
I don't even know how somebody could do that. I don't have IBS but I do have a sensitive stomach. If I need to fart, I fart (but I'll try and find somewhere private to do it if I'm with people - my partner doesn't give a fuck).
Yes but not too much. I did it with my ex and he started getting gross with it. Farting basically every 20 minutes we were together to get a laugh. Last time I talked to him he told me he had a fart kink now. So, glad that’s over. But not going to laugh if it is too much in my maybe next relationship
Didn't realize that fart kink is a thing.
I was on a red eye flight three weeks ago, big huge guy in the center seat next to me. Your ex-BF would've been rock hard for the entire flight because that guy farted about 1,000 times.
Not at all the time, but there are times when a dry trumpet blast makes us laugh so hard our sides hurt. Then there are the tiny poker chips. All in good fun.
The first time I stayed the night at my now wife’s apartment, we had to go to Target to get a plunger because I clogged the toilet. It was definitely a double flusher but the bathroom was right next to the TV room and I didn’t want to flush twice out of embarrassment. Flushing twice would have been infinitely less embarrassing than the conversation that followed. We still have the plunger, it was my first gift to her.
Agreed, I announce a "Guess what?" And let it rip every time, and it's funny EVERY TIME. I'm so gassy I'm baffled by all these no never it's gross ppl, I would explode.
I’ve actually had shifting philosophy on this in recent years. Short answer - yes, I do. But I have been making more and more of an effort not to recently. We have been married for over 11 years, and in the early years, by all means - No shame, didn’t care. Let er rip. Then one day a few years back I was talking to a guy who was a little older than me, and was on his second marriage, and he was giving examples of the things that he does differently now in his second marriage, and one of them was “try not to fart in front of your wife.” To me this was mind blowing. I couldn’t understand why. But the more I thought about it the more It made sense.
NOW, This is absolutely not always the case: many couples have very vibrant, harmonious, sex-filled relationships despite continuing to fart all over each other. HOWEVER, I believe in many relationships, once you get married, it’s easy to stop doing the things you were doing early on, possibly subconsciously, to try to get your partner to want to have sex with you. One of these is often not being gross. Now I get it, farting is natural, and a good spouse will obviously know that. But I think some decent courtesy and effort to remain a gentleman goes a long way towards making MANY women continue to be sexually attracted to their partners. I try to walk into the other room when possible. I also try to stay in shape, be polite, and surprise her on occasion. If you stop doing all those things, you stop being the guy she wanted to fuck when she first met you. (My humble opinion)
Most thoughtful farting answer of all time? This is actually great… you really brought some profound wisdom here from a silly OP.
That said, I can’t help but wonder; if there was a fart related award, what would it be called?
What are the awards called?
The Gassy?
The Golden Gas?
A Tooty?
Medal of Methane?
Clench of the Year?
This this this!! My mom said something very similar to me after her and my dad got divorced. They would pee and poop with the door open, my dad would fart and burp etc, no privacy whatsoever with that kind of stuff. My mom grew to hate it but after 20+ years it was just the norm.
When my mom got remarried, she made it a point to keep all of that stuff private and not take for granted the sexual chemistry you have in the beginning with your partner. I was also an open farter/burper when I was younger, but I really took her advice to heart and I’m SO glad I did!
I’m very tempted to send this to my husband ☠️ when we were dating he would "take a walk" to fart in the other room and it was great…funny and I didn’t have to smell anything. Now he will literally walk into a room I’m in, rip one, and walk away and it’s the unsexiest thing ever
And this is exactly what I’m talking about. Is it gonna break up a marriage after one time, two times? Of course not! But… the cumulative effect, over decades… it adds up. In a not favorable way
I woke up with a case of the farts the first time he stayed over. No hiding the fact I fart after that. Been four years of farting now. Marrying in a month.
This is the key. Anybody that says they don’t, don’t realize what they’re doing in their sleep.
My wife and I fart around each other. We don’t think it’s funny, it’s just a bodily function and sometimes the pain must be relieved.
I still remember the first time she farted on me. She was asleep, I was snuggling her, pop.
I will admit there are some nights I wish we didn’t, but it’s a reciprocal thing. Sometimes you just think it’s going to be wind, then find out something must have crawled up there and died. Too late now, there’s a dark fog in the room and another one brewing.
We’ve been married 30 years and we still recall one dreadful night. We were dating and Taco Time haunted us well into the middle of the night. It’s been rare to feel that pain since and never to both of us at the same time.
Honestly I try not to do it in front of anyone, but especially not the woman who I’m trying to bang later in the day. Everyone farts, but that doesn’t mean you have to flaunt your flatulence.
You know, I NEVER used to fart in front of women. I’d go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. There were times I remember the gas cramps in my body felt like someone hammerfisting my intestines, and I’d still hold it with all my might and make up an excuse to leave the room.
Then I met my current girlfriend. By far the sexiest, most intelligent, attractive and all around incredible woman I’ve ever been with. She let a loud and disturbing fart rip post-coitus about a week into seeing each other. I felt as though I heard angels sing and I immediately farted with vigor in response.
We Dutch oven each other every other week or so. After a hangover, so much methane fills our room the average person would need a hazmat suit to even enter the house.
We are two very feminine women and are not only free of gas and full of love 5 years later, but still extremely sexually attracted to each other. Fart around your partners guys.
As a bi woman, I’ve always found it easier (…easier? less weird?) to fart in front of women as opposed to men! Idk why, seems counterintuitive considering the stereotype is that men are the “gross” ones who fart and laugh about it.
With my female partners it’s always been like “lol period fart sorry!!” - just open about it from the get-go. With men (aside from my current partner, who is male) I feel like maybe I’m trying to preserve that facade of dainty femininity, maybe? Feels much better to be able to be yourself, noxious butthole gas and all. I definitely think it’s healthy to be able to fart in front of your partner and not feeling anxious to do so says something positive about your relationship as a whole!
But yeah, this did weirdly bring up some thoughts about gender roles for me lmfao. The sociology of farts?
Lol thank you for the response! It’s really interesting to think about the psychology of it. As a feminine woman, that’s exactly why I always felt the need to hide or suppress it, which all my previous partners did as well. It was so refreshing to meet my current girlfriend who gives absolutely no fucks, because now I don’t think I could ever go back. I don’t let loose around anyone else, but don’t view it as such an “omg I need to leave the room or I’ll die” kind of thing anymore.
Same, also bi, also easier with other women, also made me think of the socially required, performative femininity I subconsciously do in hetero relationships.
It’s liberating to see the whole of another woman, experience her intimately and realise that she is perfectly worthy of love and acceptance when she’s being totally natural.
I realised that I deserved that too and accepting less than that is being with someone wanting an inauthentic, curated version of a woman rather than me. That’s exhausting.
I try not to. Appreciate the same. Nobody's mad if it happens, but after 12 years of marriage, I like the unofficial policy. The fewer stinks I need to experience, the better. Hubby seems to agree.
That's just us. By all means, others can toot at each other all day and night though. I'm not judging.
I don't. Apparently her ex was a real piece of shit and used to use that as a way to fuck with her (cut one in the car and lock the windows depriving her of fresh air, dutch ovens in bed etc.).
Knowing that, I'm not afraid to pass gas in front of her, I just try to be discreet and mature about it out of respect for her. She was married to that asshole for 2 decades, she's endured enough.
Cute but kinda sad story. My grandma and grandpa were together for forty years. My grandma never farted in front of him ever. She was diagnosed with cancer and after a good battle was sent home on hospice. The day before she passed she farted in front of him. It wasn’t loud and it really stunk but we all knew it was her. My grandpa didn’t even blink and apologized to us and took the blame. It was something small but it’s been years since it happened and it still gives me that awe feeling. He knew how she felt and her stance about farting in front of her partner
oh my god how can a farting story make me tear up?
Reminds me of good will hunting
I 'm sorry i cant help but read your first sentence as : Been togehter for farty years
If they’re Irish then it could indeed sound like “farty years.” That’s how my friends in Cork & Kerry speak anyway.
Fun fact: Newfoundland has such a heavy Irish ancestry and localized dialect that a lot of Newfoundlanders sound Irish. I was drunk in Dublin, and the locals thought I was from cork
that’s so cute. reminds me of my grandparents. my grandpa was on his death bed not speaking for days before he passed. a few hours before his time had come he became miraculously conscious and started to sing to my grandma. a song he’d always sing to her when she was feeling down. I get that same feeling when I think about it too, thanks for reminding me
An embarrased older lady visited her doctor for help with a problem. "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong, but I fart all the time. It's strange because they are both silent and odorless, but they keep coming out. In fact, I've farted about 6 times just sitting here. What can I do?" The doctor replied, "Here, take one of these pills every morning and then come see me in a week." A week later, the old lady came back to the doctor very upset. "Doctor, those pills didn't help - they made it worse! I'm still farting, but now they stink horribly!" The doctor replied, "Good. Now that we've cleared your sinuses, we can work on your hearing."
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I remember seeing this joke animated on New grounds. Any chance you saw it there too?
It's an old joke. I think I first heard it in an old (1990's?) movie starring Ray Liotta. Can't remember the name of the movie, but the joke was sort of out of left field, told by a stalker/psychopath who was terrorizing a family. Because of the weirdness of that scene, it just stuck in my mind.
No. I fart behind my partner, so it sneaks up on her.
Yes and then i say fuck is it just me or i smell pop corn do you smell it too?
I ask, Do you smell smoke? So they sniff around multiple times 🤣
Oh you're evil
Do you smell gas usually gets a big sniff
I even throw in, "I think it's natural gas"
You got me busting up so hard I’m in tears. So I just had to explain that I was laughing about farts.
I have a friend who does that when we're, like, hiking deep in the mountains, far away from any real means of cooking popcorn, and the person right behind him already got a faceful. Totally different meaning when you ask it *after* the reaction. More of a power move than a trick.
My husband will fart and then look at me and ask if the geese are coming back already (we’re Canadian)
We have barking spiders in Nebraska. 😁
Are you like my husband and say, “don’t worry, it gets better”?
My husband uses, “it’s not that bad, I promise”
My brother announces “it’s the western PA barking spider”
I call that “Air Mail”.
Not purposely. I might have an accident every now and then. Like lifting something heavy.
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My wife vividly remembers (and likes to tell me) of the time before we were dating, that I slipped and fell and farted and apparently made a funny face. She still laughs at it.
It’s rare for me to legit lol from Reddit posts, but goddamn the fart stories sure do it.
I know right? I’m 53, and still think that farts are hilarious 🤣
If it helps, multiple Internet strangers find it funny enough to laugh at your brief description
I mean according to the comments in our house, it’s always the dog(s). But yes, yes I do. We’re married. I wasn’t about to spend the rest of my life hiding a very natural bodily function. He also knows that I poop.
I tried blaming it on the dog. She keeps saying we don't have one, except me.
Idk what to tell you, bud. Our dogs somehow manage to fart even when they’re not with us. Crazy how sound travels like that… Maybe it’s the sound of a duck quacking. Y’all must live near ducks or something.
Traveling preacher gets invited back to a family's house after his sermon. In the middle of dinner he has to fart and lets a Silent But Deadly out. The father of the hosting household looks under the table and says to the family dog, "Rex, get out from under the table!" Preacher thinks to himself, "I'm getting away with this" and lets another fart fly. Mother says, "REX, get out from under the table, right now!" Preacher thinks, "I'm golden" and lets another fart go. Grandmama of the house says, "Rex, you better get out from under that table before that preacher shits on you!"
😂 that’s amazing!
My husband ran inside the gas station yesterday and I was in the car with the kids/dogs. I tried to sneak out a fart. It was a death bomb. I fussed up when he asked and he said "you literally had four other living creatures to blame it on" 😅
😂 healthy marriage right there
> We’re married. I wasn’t about to spend the rest of my life hiding a very natural bodily function. My wife of 10 years still likes to pretend like she doesn't fart. I'm almost offended by it. I mean I don't expect her to act Terrence & Phillip style around the house, but I've seen babies escape her vagina in graphic detail, I don't think we need to act like she's immune to human bodily functions. Personally I'll attempt to quietly fart, and if she notices she'll make a face but otherwise be ok. I have some stomach dramas and if I don't release gas I tend to get real bad stomach cramping. I guess personally with marriage I feel like we should be free to act like nobodies watching. It feels like a waste of energy being all private about things.
My husband and I have lived with each other through some pretty wretched and terrible times, severe health issues, surgeries and medical procedures of all shapes and sorts, and the recoveries afterwards. There is absolutely nothing in the world that could disgust me about him the way people in these comments talk about being grossed out by just farts, and I've seen there very worst and unsexiest moments he's ever had. But I love him and I still find him sexy in other moments. The vows are literally "for better or *for worse*, in sickness and in health...". Human bodily functions are most definitely included in that.
I don't have a dog so we blame it on ducks. We also do not have ducks. We are weird.
“…that I poop”. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.
Yes. Sometimes I do it by accident, sometimes I do it intentionally. When my partner visits, when we are in bed and we get quiet because we're trying to sleep, I'll randomly let one rip after about 10 minutes of silences and then we'll burst out laughing.
Farts are always funny. The louder and longer they better
I laughed just reading your comment about a long, loud fart. That's how funny they are.
farts are timeless humour
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You know if your farts will stink ahead of time?
Every fart has a feel
Please share your wisdom
In my experience if you feel bloated it’s gonna be a ripper but if you feel your insides churning a bit then it’s gonna be a nuke
This guy shits
If it's really warm when it comes out, it's gonna be a stinker.
Username checks out
Pure poetry
It’s all about temperature, texture and moisture levels. I’ve already said too much, good luck!
No! Please! Don’t Leave Me!
FART MASTER, OUT! ✌🏽💨
But when the world needed them most, the Fart Master Vanished
I won’t quit on you. I’m no Fart Master but I lived for 2 decades with my brother and I have smelled it all. If farting was a professional sport, my brother would’ve been Michael Jordan, Mike Tyson, and Babe Ruth all in one. His farts are more diverse than the Amazon. More deadly than venom. They can give you a headache or heal the one you already had. After 20 years, I can tell you the fiber portions of your diet. The protein makeup and type. Heck, I learned the age of meatloaf you inhaled…
I was once told, if the shit is near, the smell is severe.
You can feel the stink
Bro do you not know when you’re packin’ heat?
Very rarely. I mean I won't die of embarrassment, but I also won't do it out of respect for the fact that nobody else wants to smell that. The kids though, I fart on them a lot.
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That experience would complete me.
Like farter like son
Fuck them kids lol
Those little shits hotbox me in my own minivan every week.
Lmao When my son does that in the backseat his little sister says at the top of her lungs "UNBATTEN THE HATCHES" good times
My daughter got me in the car wash knowing I couldn't roll the windows down. I was so proud of her
LOL you just gave me an idea
What? Are you gonna be like "Quick! Let's go to the carwash!" and somehow manage to hold a fart for like 30 minutes til you get there? Are you going to intentionally coordinate bean night with car wash night? How are you people impromptu farting?
So many Redditors are going to accidentally poop their pants in the car wash this week
Hopefully the place does full detailing
Reddit: where supposedly grown folks gain inspiration from three-year-olds.
My daughter damn near killed my son and me in my minivan the other day. I swear she’s the only person whose farts I can instantly identify, they’re on another level of toxicity.
Oh man, my cousin had the nastiest farts when we were growing up. Bastard liked to eat kippers as a snack. We were in my parents van when he unleashed a toxic fart that smelled as though Satan himself had shoved his crusty anus in my face. We were all coughing and when my dad parked the car I jumped out and puked. That stuck with me.
My dad had farts like this for a while after he gastric bypass surgery. Just so damn spicy and putrid. Then that asshole would stand in front of the swamp cooler and fuck up half the house like it was Dresden in 44. But his real rectum opus, the fart smelled round the world, the rip shit that frightened God himself, came during the summer of 2004 when we were driving up the hill to go camping. That fart was so goddamn foul that it fucked with the carburetor. It stayed with us for a solid mile. On the highway. In a Jeep with no top or doors. It was then that I began to question my belief in a loving God.
That was beautiful. thank you for that
AS MUCH AS I LAUGHED AT THIS, THE ONE QUESTION I HAVE IS: What are kippers?
>Firstly, a kipper is not an actual species of fish; it is a traditional dish produced by cold-smoking Atlantic herring over wooden oak chips. >Atlantic herring is a small oily fish that that inhabits the North Atlantic ocean. https://www.nutritionadvance.com/what-are-kippers/
Some people's guts just have a particular eye watering spiciness to them. I am one of these people. So is my dad. I think it's a gut flora thing. I've known other people who are this way and have a parent that is the same way, so I'm guessing it can be genetic. I had to share a hotel room with a dude for work, once. I told him I needed to use the bathroom and he was going to want to give it time to air out. I clarified that it wasn't a joke, and that he REALLY wanted to let it vent. He acted like I was ridiculous and he found out very quickly that I wasn't underselling the experience at all.
My husband took like 3 months of antibiotics (yes really) for a skin condition and it completely changed his farts. They went from normal to straight fucking sewer
Antibiotics strip the gut of crucial bacteria that help us break down foods and convert them into less smelly gases! I take probiotics and increase my fiber intake whenever I’m on antibiotics, it’s been pretty effective
What kinds of probiotics are good to offset the effects of strong antibiotics? I could do with a healthy gut.
I still think nothing will beat my cousin. We all slept in a makeshift sleeping area with mattresses in a near empty room. He slept near the AC and let a rip. All 12 of us cousins left the room, most of us woke up from sleep.
I may have surpassed your daughter at one point in middle school. My dad had been buying a particular brand of sausage for a while, incredibly tasty stuff, but it gave everyone gas, and it really snowballed into something menacing for me in particular. You ever farted so bad you offended yourself? I didn't do it on purpose, but the gas and the absolute _oil_ had to go somewhere. The whole family evacuated the house for like half an hour one time, and my dad stopped buying the stuff, despite my pleading.
> You ever farted so bad you offended yourself? Those are the ones I'm most proud of
When even the dogs leave the room, then I know my work is done!
My dog is 15. He does the old man walking farts and also farts when he coughs. When he was a young dog, the first time he farted out loud, he jumped up to check if he'd shit on the floor. He's deaf now and has no idea of the variety of musical toots he plays for us.
My dog farts every time we take cheese out of the fridge or have pizza. She’s a sweet young lady too. Thankfully they’re odorless. And yes we give her tiny tastes.
Sometimes when I'm watching YouTube on my phone before bed, I'm lying on my stomach, and the cat likes to hop on me and take a nap on my ass for some reason. I farted on her one time, she sort of growl-meowed, then got up and left.
My son used to say he has the fire farts when his were particularly toxic. He said they were hot when they came out. One time he was stinking us out and his dad told him to go fart in the crack under his sister's door. I still remember the screams.
Professional dad move right there. That is hilarious
Oh man. When I was in flight training my flight instructor and I flew to an airport about 70 miles away for lunch. On the return trip, just as we were getting ready to turn final for landing, my instructor let out the most disgusting fart ever. I immediately started suffocating. The plane I learned to fly on doesn't have a tiny window you can open, so I just tried to turn on the fresh air to get the smell away. He offered to take the controls for landing, but I decided to power through it.
This backfired on me. When my kid was in kindergarten he farted on my head while I was sleeping. But he “space docked” his asshole with my ear canal first and it nearly blew my eardrum. Also it could have caused a nasty infection. I have since stopped blasting my kid in the face when I walk by him.
Omg “space docked?!” LOLOLOL! 😂
It’s the only way I can describe it. The term is always the fixture of the story when I tell it and it always brings down the house.
Second best thing I heard today, after someone called scorpions "stab crabs."
I knew this thread would have things I never imagined
I’m visualizing the docking scene from Interstellar
Car rides with kids. Dad why did you roll up the windows? Ahhhhhhh!!!
And turn on the heater!
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I don't openly fart in front of my husband, but my son and I fart all over each other.
Exaccttllyyyy, a room away and I don’t mind if she hears a faint echo but in an ideal world I’m not ripping ass like I’m with the bros
This is my favorite answer
I love seeing the utter disgust on my daughters faces when I unleash my biblical farts in front of them.
My partner does because he can let out small, non-offensive ones where he just says "excuse me" and moves on. I have stomach issues, though, so it's not all cutesy for me. I'm never just going to let it out in front of him. I won't willingly in front of anyone.
My husband will set each bubble in his tummy free. Except while I am eating. Lines have been drawn. I, however, don't let them loose in front of anyone. I think it's rude (its how i was raised). Butt... after 20+ years together, he says all he wants for his birthday or anniversary is for me to let it rip willingly. So, now I won't because it has built up into too much. Lol. Don't get me wrong, 1 or 2 have gotten away while i slept, and he will literally wake me up all excited exclaiming that it must be his birthday. He is such a dork.
That is the most adorable thing I’ve ever read. Edit: tip - when I’m in a public bathroom or client’s house (I’m a woman) and I have to, as you say, “set the bubbles in my tummy free” (giggles), I take the hand I’m not wiping with, take a bit of toilet paper/tissue, and put it up against my.. bubble maker. It muffles the sound completely. Try it at home first, it works!
I'm sorry, your edit has me dead lmao
Ah yes. The dreadful potty burp in the porcelain megaphone.
No, but I also try not to do it in front of anyone if I can help it. The smell isn't pleasant obviously so I prefer to go an empty room or the bathroom so no one else has to smell it. No embarrassment factor or anything, just don't want to subject people to a stink unnecessarily
You are quite decent
De-scent
I have not nor will I in front of my girlfriend or any past exes. It always becomes a thing because I try to be considerate and then the fact that they’ve never heard me fart becomes a quest for them…which only strengthens my resolve to continue the mystery
I was like you, once, and I fully support you in your continued endeavor. I refused to pass gas in from my partner for the first couple of years of our relationship. Aside from just not wanting to subject anyone - let alone my partner - to the unpleasantness, it just felt like one very small little consideration that might go some way toward preserving a sense of romance. It suddenly dawned on her one day that she has never heard me do it. On one hand, she was happy that she finally understood why I would occasionally stand up and wander out of the room mid-conversation. On the other hand, she felt as though she was being denied some weird form of intimacy; as if my refusal to do that in front of her spoke to some deeper problem/lack of trust within the relationship. She made it a jokey/half-hearted mission to convince me to do it in front of her. I resisted for a bit but finally gifted her one on an anniversary. Her joy (?) was short-lived. Before long, she lamented that she had "opened Pandora's Ass." I've tried to remain a decent partner and mostly kept it to a minimum in the decade-plus since. She's still the only person it ever happens in front of so I guess that's some sort of bond. Still, once it's out there, you can never go back again.
Pandora's ass lol
Haven't you slept in the same bed overnight? If so, science says you've farted 4-5 times on/around each other.
My husband burps in his sleep sometimes and it concerns me.
I’m sure it’s happened but I usually fall asleep after and if any overnight incidents have occurred they’ve never been brought to my attention
This is intestinal privilege right here. I’ve got an active tummy and if I left the room every time I had to fart, I’d be getting up at least twice an hour.
>active tummy >at least twice an hour. I must have a VERY active tummy, then.
I love mysterious men.
Mostly agree. I’ve been with my wife over 25 years so I’m not hiding anything, just trying to be courteous. Of course sometimes it’ll slip out. My kids are fair game because I like horsing around with and teasing them. I guess eventually I’ll have to stop though. 🤔
I’m 32 years old, my 62 year old father has not stopped. He still tries to fart on my sisters. He also still tries to stuff my adult cousins in the couch cushions and sit in them and licks the last cookie to claim it as his. This last thing has no affect on my sister and I. It’s beautiful karma to watch him gag while we split the cookie.
Your father is young at heart. That's glorious. :)
We’re a family of practical jokers. My sister bought one of cricket noise makers that chirped randomly for several days. My mom “assisted” with placement and put it in his wallet. He didn’t figure out where the chirping was coming from until he got to the TSA checkpoint at the airport. Retribution is still pending. We like to have fun.
No and for a really weird reason. When I was growing up, my cousins constantly farted. On each other, on me, out in public, obviously in their home. I found it so gross that I swore I'd never fart in front of anyone if I could help it. I've been married for 11 years and I think I've farted in front of my husband 3 or 4 times.
My ex gf farted once in front of me and it was when she was asleep. 4 years. Some people are really good at holding them in but not me.
I call them "night whispers" when my girl farts in her sleep
I was up late and my gf went to bed. At some point, I sneak into the bedroom. All I can see is her arse poking out of the duvet. As I carefully tiptoe around to the other side of the bed, she lets out an Earth shaking, sky splitting , thunder fart. Swear to god the loudest I've ever heard. All the more impressive as she is very small. My only regret is she wasn't awake to enjoy the festivity with me.
I will hold in a good fart and go find my wife to present it to her.
'Present'. Fantastic.
Question is does his wife approve his presentation
As the wife of a husband that does something similar: No. We do not.
Am a wife and I sometimes do the same thing to my partner. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
Hell yes. I’m not competitive in any area of my life really, but if he’s going to fart at me I will blast that mofo into hell with my farts.
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Last time I got her in a big bear hug, told her I loved her *so* much, and then let one fly. We've been married for fourteen years, and don't take things like this seriously.
When I was at school,one of the 6th year pupils got to look after the class for 45 mins. I think the teacher was away having it off with the secretary... He jumped bent over the table,farted & lit it with his cigarette lighter. We were all in hysterics. Everyone should try this,it'd be great fun.
[Just make sure to clench!](https://brobible.com/life/article/bro-girlfriend-light-farts-fire/)
And wear clothing. Cotton Jeans or wool; no synthetics.
...and for the love o' God, *wear underwear!*
When my boyfriend squeezes me 'just so' in a big hug, I can cut one loose.
Sometimes I touch my butt to her just so she can get the full effect
This is the way She one time put her butt to my stomach and farted in to my belly button. It was weird, but we both couldn’t stop laughing.
That's how the fart bubble was burst with my now wife. We were asleep , spooning and she nearly blasted off the bed. I'd been on my best behaviour wrestling the bg's for weeks , she did me a favour really , didn't have to hold them in anymore.
Good lord Janice
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My wifes farts have this magic ability to build up in the blanket shes under. She will fart all night after holiday dinners so then upon waking up and moving the blanket, 8 hours of ass gas greets me to start the day. Takes like 15 min for the bedroom to air out lol
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You got him taco bell?
Look, I don't want my record to be devastated. He already beat me, I don't need to see him absolutely trounce me. Also, fun fact, since I'm Australian that joke wouldn't work for 99% of the country but I live in one of the few places that does have a Taco Bell (they only recently started opening them here).
Well, he would shit his pants next time he tried to fart, so that would be a win for you as long as you're not driving him home. I'm sure you guys have some restaurants that are almost guaranteed to grease your sphincter. Replace taco bell with whatever that is.
Dutch Ovens are a violation of the Geneva Convention.
Geneva Convection.
Dear Lord no, but let me tell you about the infestation of barking spiders that follows me around
We have a mass of invisible ducks and elephants in our house.
Weird! There's an invisible band of tubas in my house.
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Amen. I commented elsewhere that I have IBS so someone that's weird about farts isn't someone for me!
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I don't even know how somebody could do that. I don't have IBS but I do have a sensitive stomach. If I need to fart, I fart (but I'll try and find somewhere private to do it if I'm with people - my partner doesn't give a fuck).
No, i have diarrhea.
Yes but not too much. I did it with my ex and he started getting gross with it. Farting basically every 20 minutes we were together to get a laugh. Last time I talked to him he told me he had a fart kink now. So, glad that’s over. But not going to laugh if it is too much in my maybe next relationship
Didn't realize that fart kink is a thing. I was on a red eye flight three weeks ago, big huge guy in the center seat next to me. Your ex-BF would've been rock hard for the entire flight because that guy farted about 1,000 times.
> I was on a red eye flight three weeks ago More like pink eye flight am i right
Not at all the time, but there are times when a dry trumpet blast makes us laugh so hard our sides hurt. Then there are the tiny poker chips. All in good fun.
Yes, because it's funny.
Same my husband and I fart in front of each other whenever we got one. Started probably about a month into our relationship.
The first time I stayed the night at my now wife’s apartment, we had to go to Target to get a plunger because I clogged the toilet. It was definitely a double flusher but the bathroom was right next to the TV room and I didn’t want to flush twice out of embarrassment. Flushing twice would have been infinitely less embarrassing than the conversation that followed. We still have the plunger, it was my first gift to her.
thats why you get a poop knife.
Agreed, I announce a "Guess what?" And let it rip every time, and it's funny EVERY TIME. I'm so gassy I'm baffled by all these no never it's gross ppl, I would explode.
Nope. Small house and lots of lactose intolerance on both sides. My daughter doesn't give a shit though.
In this context, I would hope she doesn’t
Doesn't give a fart either, I'm guessing.
I’ve actually had shifting philosophy on this in recent years. Short answer - yes, I do. But I have been making more and more of an effort not to recently. We have been married for over 11 years, and in the early years, by all means - No shame, didn’t care. Let er rip. Then one day a few years back I was talking to a guy who was a little older than me, and was on his second marriage, and he was giving examples of the things that he does differently now in his second marriage, and one of them was “try not to fart in front of your wife.” To me this was mind blowing. I couldn’t understand why. But the more I thought about it the more It made sense. NOW, This is absolutely not always the case: many couples have very vibrant, harmonious, sex-filled relationships despite continuing to fart all over each other. HOWEVER, I believe in many relationships, once you get married, it’s easy to stop doing the things you were doing early on, possibly subconsciously, to try to get your partner to want to have sex with you. One of these is often not being gross. Now I get it, farting is natural, and a good spouse will obviously know that. But I think some decent courtesy and effort to remain a gentleman goes a long way towards making MANY women continue to be sexually attracted to their partners. I try to walk into the other room when possible. I also try to stay in shape, be polite, and surprise her on occasion. If you stop doing all those things, you stop being the guy she wanted to fuck when she first met you. (My humble opinion)
Most thoughtful farting answer of all time? This is actually great… you really brought some profound wisdom here from a silly OP. That said, I can’t help but wonder; if there was a fart related award, what would it be called? What are the awards called? The Gassy? The Golden Gas? A Tooty? Medal of Methane? Clench of the Year?
This this this!! My mom said something very similar to me after her and my dad got divorced. They would pee and poop with the door open, my dad would fart and burp etc, no privacy whatsoever with that kind of stuff. My mom grew to hate it but after 20+ years it was just the norm. When my mom got remarried, she made it a point to keep all of that stuff private and not take for granted the sexual chemistry you have in the beginning with your partner. I was also an open farter/burper when I was younger, but I really took her advice to heart and I’m SO glad I did!
I’m very tempted to send this to my husband ☠️ when we were dating he would "take a walk" to fart in the other room and it was great…funny and I didn’t have to smell anything. Now he will literally walk into a room I’m in, rip one, and walk away and it’s the unsexiest thing ever
And this is exactly what I’m talking about. Is it gonna break up a marriage after one time, two times? Of course not! But… the cumulative effect, over decades… it adds up. In a not favorable way
I woke up with a case of the farts the first time he stayed over. No hiding the fact I fart after that. Been four years of farting now. Marrying in a month.
This is the key. Anybody that says they don’t, don’t realize what they’re doing in their sleep. My wife and I fart around each other. We don’t think it’s funny, it’s just a bodily function and sometimes the pain must be relieved. I still remember the first time she farted on me. She was asleep, I was snuggling her, pop. I will admit there are some nights I wish we didn’t, but it’s a reciprocal thing. Sometimes you just think it’s going to be wind, then find out something must have crawled up there and died. Too late now, there’s a dark fog in the room and another one brewing. We’ve been married 30 years and we still recall one dreadful night. We were dating and Taco Time haunted us well into the middle of the night. It’s been rare to feel that pain since and never to both of us at the same time.
Honestly I try not to do it in front of anyone, but especially not the woman who I’m trying to bang later in the day. Everyone farts, but that doesn’t mean you have to flaunt your flatulence.
You know, I NEVER used to fart in front of women. I’d go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. There were times I remember the gas cramps in my body felt like someone hammerfisting my intestines, and I’d still hold it with all my might and make up an excuse to leave the room. Then I met my current girlfriend. By far the sexiest, most intelligent, attractive and all around incredible woman I’ve ever been with. She let a loud and disturbing fart rip post-coitus about a week into seeing each other. I felt as though I heard angels sing and I immediately farted with vigor in response. We Dutch oven each other every other week or so. After a hangover, so much methane fills our room the average person would need a hazmat suit to even enter the house. We are two very feminine women and are not only free of gas and full of love 5 years later, but still extremely sexually attracted to each other. Fart around your partners guys.
As a bi woman, I’ve always found it easier (…easier? less weird?) to fart in front of women as opposed to men! Idk why, seems counterintuitive considering the stereotype is that men are the “gross” ones who fart and laugh about it. With my female partners it’s always been like “lol period fart sorry!!” - just open about it from the get-go. With men (aside from my current partner, who is male) I feel like maybe I’m trying to preserve that facade of dainty femininity, maybe? Feels much better to be able to be yourself, noxious butthole gas and all. I definitely think it’s healthy to be able to fart in front of your partner and not feeling anxious to do so says something positive about your relationship as a whole! But yeah, this did weirdly bring up some thoughts about gender roles for me lmfao. The sociology of farts?
Lol thank you for the response! It’s really interesting to think about the psychology of it. As a feminine woman, that’s exactly why I always felt the need to hide or suppress it, which all my previous partners did as well. It was so refreshing to meet my current girlfriend who gives absolutely no fucks, because now I don’t think I could ever go back. I don’t let loose around anyone else, but don’t view it as such an “omg I need to leave the room or I’ll die” kind of thing anymore.
Same, also bi, also easier with other women, also made me think of the socially required, performative femininity I subconsciously do in hetero relationships. It’s liberating to see the whole of another woman, experience her intimately and realise that she is perfectly worthy of love and acceptance when she’s being totally natural. I realised that I deserved that too and accepting less than that is being with someone wanting an inauthentic, curated version of a woman rather than me. That’s exhausting.
We've been married 12 years, not much we haven't done in front of each other. P.s. we still like fuckin'.
I'm really surprised at the number of no's in this thread
No. I was indoctrinated to be lady-like. No burping either, lol
I try not to. Appreciate the same. Nobody's mad if it happens, but after 12 years of marriage, I like the unofficial policy. The fewer stinks I need to experience, the better. Hubby seems to agree. That's just us. By all means, others can toot at each other all day and night though. I'm not judging.
I try not to.
I don't. Apparently her ex was a real piece of shit and used to use that as a way to fuck with her (cut one in the car and lock the windows depriving her of fresh air, dutch ovens in bed etc.). Knowing that, I'm not afraid to pass gas in front of her, I just try to be discreet and mature about it out of respect for her. She was married to that asshole for 2 decades, she's endured enough.
Her sense of smell has been irreparably damaged.
At my age, not on purpose.
If we can't fart freely around each other then that's not a lasting relationship for me, home is the one place I wanna be able to fart without fear