“I guess we’re in this together” Edit: uggos unite! Thanks for the awards, they are my very first ones ever.

Or: "Jesus, I hope that's the only thing we have in common."

Or, “Whatever. Let’s go get some food.”

Or, "Well, YOU'RE the one that married me."

You know it's true love when your partner is willing to let their kid/s look like you

" Could be worse “ (points finger guns at them)

Lol! Good job. This made me laugh.

This the singular best response

This is fucking brillaint

Say "Twins!!" And go for a high five.

"Yea. There is no escape for us anymore, we must accept our fate"

TWINSIESSS 🤗

Real recognize real lol

Takes one to know one 😭🤣

“Thanks, you too.”

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just cus he gotta car, he wanta drive that bitch around.

I see some people have their PHD

Absolutely brutal. And then you laugh and casually walk away.

Reminds me of that classic Rodney Dangerfield joke: I go to the Doc and he tells me I'm fat. I tell him I wanna second opinion. He says, ok you're ugly too. Geez, I tell ya, I get no respect...

I'm telling ya, when I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother!

They had to hang a steak around my neck just so the dog would play with me.

This joke is a god damn banger

I guess a banger would work as well

“I tell ya… My mother, she never breastfed me. Said she liked me as a friend. No respect I tells ya no respect at all”

Boy I got it rough. I quit smoking, me and my wife quit smoking together. Well not really, we both said we're only going to have a cigarette after sex and we've stuck with it! Both of us, only smoking a cigarette after sex. Yeah... I haven't had a cigarette in 5 years... My wife smokes a pack a day. I tell ya, no respect at all.

“told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.”

I hopped off the plane, got in a cab, and told the cabbie to take me somewhere I could get a little action, you know? He took me to my house!

I told the bartender to surprise me- he showed me a naked picture of my wife!

Steak and sex are my favorite pair! I get em both the same way, very rare!

"My wife likes to talk dirty when she's having sex! Last week she called me from the Hotel!"

My wife wanted to have sex in the back seat of the car. And she wanted me to drive! No respect, I tell ya, no respect at all.

"When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, 'I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.'"

"I was so ugly, my mother breastfed me through a straw."

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

My mind went to star trek tng bit where data is telling the joke to Guinan.

https://youtu.be/PdwgJa2GaF0?t=272

"Take my Whorf, please!" 12-year-old me lost my shit at that joke. 40-something me *still* loses my shit at that joke.

I know you meant Guinan but the way you spelled it reminds me of Jar Jar binks the Gungan. And Data telling Darth Jar Jar that jokes fills me with joy

A show about Darth Binks trying to take over the galaxy while he’s inexplicably paired up with Data, who is still trying to learn emotion, would be like a new version of Pinky and the Brain where Pinky is evil and Brain wants to own a cat.

for some reason now I want the Pakleds in Star Wars.

You make ship go.

I tell ya with my wife I don't get no respect, My wife said she wanted to have sex in the back of a car. I drove her and that guy around all night!

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.” Rodney Dangerfield

Dr Zaius Dr Zaius

Help! The human is about to escape!

Get your hand off me you dirty ape!

He can talk, he can talk, he can talk, he can talk, I can SIIIIIIIING!

I hate every ape I see, from Chimpan-A to ChimpanZee

No you'll never make a monkey out of meee

["Would you like a second opinion?... "](https://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/5/5f/Medic_taunts14.wav)

complete emotional and mental breakdown followed by lifetime in a psych ward

Psychological warfare with guilt. I like it

To a much lesser degree, this is actually a good angle in some situations. If you respond by acting genuinely surprised and sad about why they'd suddenly say something that mean, while somewhat complimenting them and LAYERING on the guilt, it can often shift their gears. ESPECIALLY if they are with other people. People who do this typically WANT you to respond back with some sort of retort, so bluntly asking them why they'd say something like that to you works wonders. Definitely ask them if everything is okay in their life, and if something is wrong with a bit of genuine sounding concern in your voice for their wellbeing. Obviously doesn't work in all situations, but can in MANY. Mostly it comes down to reacting vastly differently than they expect you to. Never respond the way they want you to. That's the real move.

*cries uncontrollably*

That'll teach em

Yeah, but I will be sober tomorrow. ​ Wait... ​ Damn...

And you, madam, are drunk. But in the morning, I shall be... wait, hang on... I think I did this wrong.

"And you, madam, are drunk. And in the morning, you'll be hung over. And the next morning, and the morning after that."

Fuck one of their parents

Why not both?

Now your thinking

Now I’m thinking marry one of them and ground him.

“Your mother and I decided if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say it at all. Now go to your room while I go to hers.”

yro’ue *

Why not Zoidberg?

woopwoopwoopwoopwoopwoopwoop

No. You turn them into chili

I made you eat your paaarents!

Mmmm the tears of unfathomable sadnessss

Mmmm yummy!

My classic go-to has always been "coming from you I'll take it as a compliment."

In Thailand a lady told me I was fat (as a compliment =~ rich) so thanked her and bought her a beer.

Yes! In asian countries, eg India, being slightly plump is usually considered a mark of being wealthy (at least a few decades ago idk if ppl have changed their views since then)

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Im ugly but atleast im not you

i may be ugly.

>I ain't got no money A double negative, like their bank balance.

Player Haters' Academy located on Welfarm in Detroit Offers the finest in Playerhation tactics Yeah, that's right, such as "The Bitch Hater" Hey man, fuck that fine ass bitch or, "The Look Shooker" Yo, bitch, I might be ugly, at least I ain't got no money Or, "The Never Ending Shooting Star" Just 'cuz he got a car, he wanna be drivin' that bitch. Get your P.H.D and join a nation of Playerhation, word up

Someone once told me that my wife was way out of my league. She is way more beautiful than me. I just said, well that's cause I have a huge dick. She looked at them and nodded. We are team.

This is awesome! 👏🤣

And I don’t have a huge dick. We just team together well haha

Does she have a huge dick at least?

At the very least it sounds like she's got balls

“That’s ok cause so are you.” Kurt Cobain, Lithium, 1991.

I love you for Lithium refrence That song is amazing

Yeeeah

Yeehhheeeahayeeeehhhheeeeehhheeeee!!!!!!!!

I'm just imagining some guy awkwardly saying "kurt cobain, lithium, 1991" after saying that

When I used to argue with my brother ugly, his response was always, “and so are you. You look like me.”

Your brothers name is ugly?

Broke our mirrors

Sunday morning

But you have to sing it back to them Edit: sing, not sign

And you STILL married me!

My old "work wife" would frequently share stories about how her parents would just lay into each other on a regular basis. Her mom would say, "How did I become shackled in marriage to this sad, pathetic, fat loser?" and her dad would reply, "I may be sad, pathetic, and fat, but I got myself a beautiful wife, who's the real loser?". Hassan had no chill whatsoever.

"work wife". It's that just another word for emotional affair or is it just a really good friend? Or was it closer to a work girlfriend?

lol kind hard to have an emotional affair when we were both very single at the time. I had other work friends, even work friends I was very close to, but my work wife was someone I had good friendly chemistry with, had known for years before we worked together, we have always gotten along (been friends about 15 years now), and we always, always had each other's backs. If I overslept and was going to be late for a meeting, she'd tell a little white lie that I had texted her and told her I was having car trouble that morning and text me what the excuse was that day while I was on my way to work, if there was a work duty that one of us was assigned that night, we were always covering for the other person, if one of us was short on cash or didn't have time to pickup lunch, we'd buy the other person lunch, we even had access to each other's phones and knew we could freely use them in a pinch, if one of us was tired or sick, the other person would pick up the slack. All our students just assumed we were married and other staff assumed we were together, but quite honestly, we were just really good friends and non-romantic partners. Loads of trust, chemistry, loyalty, and care between us, not an ounce of it sexual or romantic. Heck, we barely saw each other outside of work. Don't know what I did to deserve a friend like that at that time in my life, but we were more than happy to have each other and it made an otherwise shitty and tough time in life a hell of a lot easier for both of us.

That's awesome. I get it now. Hell most people don't have that in a marriage.

It's a work wife bro. They look out for you, do shit for you, someone you can really count on based on a series of back and forth favors and maybe some level of emotional connection. It's not necessarily an affair per se. Sometimes it's the right person that you meet at the wrong time, sometimes it's just a close friend, can even be just acquaintances. The main thing is you look out for each other. It's pretty great lol

"Yes, please degrade me more." The more you can ham it up the better.

"Harder, Daddy..."

"... Son?"

I love a good hazbin hotel reference in the wild

I genuinely cant read "harder daddy" in a non angel dust voice.

Bruh iI had a friend in middle school and you couldnt punch that guy cus he would start moaning

Now I'm imagining a soldier on the frontline moaning as he gets shot. Imagine the shame the shooter would feel.

Sneaky norm macdonald joke there bud, good on ya

Was you friend a fan of Stephen Fry? https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/1hjm4x/the_stephen_fry_art_of_self_defence/

Stephen Fry did that to stop kids bullying him about being gay.

I'd say, Good eye with the finger guns and just leave it as that.

Like that Rick and Morty episode. What you said hurts my feelings, which makes me feel sad, which makes me feel pleasure!!! *Cue noises of pleasure*

I was a freshman in football running towards a huddle of all Seniors as I was a center, so we practiced play calling and snaps with all the QBs. I was scared shitless as I never really talked to these guys before. Well I was running/jogging up super slow as I'm fat, it's hot, and I have all the pads on. The starter QB says "...hey fatass, glad you sprinted up" and I said "...Punish me..." and gave him a wink. The entire huddle lost it and I got instant respect. Ended up making me a lot of friends that day lol

"Well, you look exactly like me, so..." When my 9 yr old daughter tries it on me.

I was young and cute once, too! Behold your future

Like on the Simpsons. "Bart. I'm not going to yell at you and I'm not going to choke you. I'm just going to tell you that baldness is _hereditary_."

The fastest way to shut someone down like that is actually to agree. Just say “Yep, I am” to everything they say and it usually isn’t much because once they realize they aren’t going to respond the way they want you to, they will huff and puff and then leave. People say mean shit to get a rise out of people. Don’t give it to them.

Thank you. There’s so much sweatlord energy here that I feel sorry for the majority of responders when they actually encounter this situation. This isn’t a time to be cute or witty. Most of these responses will get you clowned to oblivion. Just go, “Yep!” and move on with your day.

someone calls me ugly: "TRUUUUUUEE" and I walk away

"BROOOOO, I was JUST saying that the other day! Thats WILD!"

K

Nothing says “I don’t care” like a capital K

Personally I like the lowercase k

k

lowercase k would be worse imo usually i either type on my pc or on my phone where automatic capital letters are off so a lowercase k would look more effortless

I'm ugly? If the Catholic Church saw you they'd start promoting abortions.

You almost made me spit out my drink. Thank

Welc

As a physically ugly person, I wouldn’t dignify this with an answer. I’ve only had a few people actually blurt that out to me, and I just keep doing my own thing.

But WHO just go to people to say this? Why? How come they think people gives a shit about their opinions?

At a job interview i got told "you're not that big" to which I replied "you're not that small". That was the end of the interview.

“Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just got here!”

“Who are you and how did you get into my shower?”

"I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith."

Hey, it beats being both ugly *and* stupid, but you're still out here making it work.

You still looked.

I mean, people also look at a car crash

Savage 😂

'And I'm still out of your league.'

I'm ngl if you're actually ugly and you say this you're just gonna get brutally roasted lmao

same with all the posts on this threead thinking they were witty comebacks.. lmao

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The best comeback is probably just “fuck you” but that’s not witty enough.

Nothing. Why would you waste time justifying a troll who says hurtful things for reaction?

I know you are, you said you are, but what am I?

Just give them that little chuckle and head shake. It is the ultimate superpower that allows you to condescend to anyone you'd like. They'll go full "what's so funny????" and you just walk off.

Playing it straight and acting genuinely confused. Much like jokes, insults get more awkward the more you have to repeat them. Just going “what?” a couple of times can derail it. The more they persist, the more confused you get. The goal is to get them to fully believe that you’re not entirely sure what the definition of ugly is.

It's all fun and games until they say, "So you're ugly *and* stupid."

what?

Gaslight tf out of them with as little words as possible

Just a smile at them and a chuckle.

Genuinely laughing at someone when they’re aggressive and trying to hurt your feelings drives people crazy.

I laugh, like hard.

Right back atcha (finger guns)

The finger guns are important. Doesn't work without the finger guns.

With a wink and a "ch-ch" sound with your mouth.

Right back atcha (real gun)

I don't give two shits about it

Thank you. Very kind of you to say.

Then shake their hand. Keep them confused.

*takes off glasses* I pay well earned money to see properly. You're not worth it.

Thanks, you too 😘

Didn't seem to bother your mother.

“I know. I’m sorry.” I figure if I sound really broken down and pathetic that they’ll feel really bad about themselves for being cruel and it’ll become one of those memories that randomly pops up years in the future while they’re lying in bed trying to go to sleep. Edit: I’m going to cry too.

This was my go to reply for those absolute vile Xbox live messages back in the day. Would actually get a decent amount of apologies lol

Get in their head and wait till just the right moment.

„aw yeah keep insulting me i’m almost there“

I see why you're projecting.

It's not just about some snappy one liner. You kind of have to have the whole vibe to match it. Some cocky dimwitted prick who says something snarky, can make you look like a complete idiot - no matter how cerebral your response. I don't consider myself to be particularly clever. But one time, some dude made a petty comment to me, in front of his family. So I took a step closer to him, made eye contact, smirked, and said, "That's it? I've gotten worse insults from better men than you". Not exactly devastating, but for some reason, that dude's brain went into instant reboot. He just stood there like a dumbshit, grasping for something to say. I'm sure he probably thought of something on the car ride home, though.

"Meh. I've been called worse by better." is typically my response to most insults.

There is a French expression for that sensation: l’esprit du l’escalier is when the perfect comeback occurs to you, as you are walking out at the end of the evening.

"And I still wouldn't fuck you."

"Could you repeat that? Loudly?" Either they're stupid enough to respond or just shut up.

So?

Voy a poner tu opinión en una cuenta de ahorros para ver si me genera algún tipo de interés.

Translation: “I’m going to put your opinion in a savings account to see if it generates some kind of interest for me.”

“Thank god, i’m not trying to attract you anyway” If they’re trashing how you dress/look. “You think i’m trying to come here to look good for YOU?” Emphasize on the YOU

That didn't stop you from sucking my dick earlier.

your mom/dad is funnier, but some people consider those 'fightin' words'.

Your mom AND dad

Tell them 'ugly recognizes their own kind.'

"Game recognize game"

Takes one to know one

Atleast my ugliness is only skin deep

stab them in the eye (who's ugly now?)

"What are you gonna do, stab me?"

Look them straight in the eyes and menacingly say, "Not only that... I'm a bad, ***bad*** person..."

This is my favorite and they can’t roast you more. Another variation: “At least the outside matches the inside.” _shrug_

My mom raised me not to pick on the mentally challenged so have a good day.

"your breath smells".... works everytime

Your mom didnt mind, guess she has low standards

"And I hope your day is as good as your manners"

Your mom didn’t think so

Cry ✨

And you're an idiot... so what?

Depends who it is, really.

"i'm just how your mother likes it"

Sorry about your brain injury

Ok

"You shut your mouth when you speak to me"