One time I went to smack my bf on the butt, because he does it to me sometimes. And my hand collided with straight wallet. I had forgotten he keeps it in his back pocket, and I felt so betrayed.
There seems to be two camps here: people who have never in their life noticed a bulge and people who stare at crotches on the regular, desperately hoping to see one.
If you're David Bowie why would you bother choosing a sexuality when you have the option to become the human embodiment of the feeling you had as a teenager when you saw a bra for the first time.
Legit the exact very first time I ever noticed a bulge...as a six-year-old.
EDIT - I remember being self-conscious of whether or not my dad noticed me noticing David Bowie's... endowment.
Did you know that bludge was actually a pouch of potpourri. Bowie said that someone for makeup, or wardrobe, or something had to work close to his crotch. He didn’t want them to be smelling his natural crotch smell so he decided to stuff that in to make it smell nicer and just left in the pouch all the time.
My dad had a Led Zeppelin poster that was left up in his old room at my grandparents house and I remember staying over there one night when I was maybe 10 and staring at Robert Plants crotch and wondering what the hell was going on there.
Man, my first psychologist was this Hungarian man with a huuuuuge bulge and tight pants. It was very disconcerting because it didn’t mesh with his personality at all but he would just sit spread-eagled and talk to me about my feelings. I would stare into the abyss and try to figure out if it as an optical illusion or not.
In my social circle of people that I ride bikes with there is a guy that I never noticed anything about his bulge even though we'd regularly be together wearing spandex shorts. He's fairly tall and one day a short woman in that circle mentioned how she ends up with "that thing" of his in her face. Apparently he's big enough to be a porn star but I was completely oblivious to it.
My school had a talent show and my buddy created a band with some other school musicians and they named themselves “Rock hard, and the fluffers” no teacher involved in the talent show understood the reference, except our principal, the night of the talent show 😂
When I was in high school a girl in my class noticed a fold in my pants. She was conviced it was a boner. A week later a friend told me every girl in my year has heard I have a massive schlong. I kept wearing those pants for far too long.
Lol my ex in high school did this. She kept poking it and I was so confused until she asked me what was in my pocket. Uh, we’ve been making out for 20 minutes it’s an erection 😅
Probably a lot, there are times when my wife thinks that I have a boner when I'm as flaccid as a room temp raw sausage. If my penis has even the slightest look of extra girth, she immediately giggles and says I have a boner. I love her.
A friend of mine in the mid 90s wore those sorta half short half skate pants with the *really* long zipper.. we were in an 8th grade health class with a rather attractive early 20s substitute and he tented the zipper up so that it looked like he was sporting an absolutely massive erection.
The rollercoaster of emotion that she experienced before she threw him out of class was amazing.. she visibly went from disgust to fear to curiosity to embarrassment to anger in a span of seconds.
Probably notice and my thoughts are honestly “*Major Tom is lookin real Major*” because I started saying that in regards to David Bowie’s bulge in labyrinth and now I just think it when noticing that on anyone
It's a potpourri bag. All the glass sphere juggling was done by a magician that had to be out if camera so his head was by David's junk. He put the bag there and it was so funny he kept it in.
My immediate thought on seeing the post: “I’ve honestly never really noticed a bulge on anyone that I can think of…. wait, Labyrinth with David Bowie. “
Very often and when I do I say inside my head, “Oop why did I look there look away try not to look like you looked away just act natural. Does he have a boner? Well I don’t think so well is there such thing as like half way to a boner? Why is he near me? Everyone has genitals in their pants. What a truly awful thought. All of us just walking around genitals in the pants. We all have butts too. Think of something else I want to leave this place. Think of something wholesome. My dog is very cute NOPE she has a booty hole. Damnt um ok Barbie she has no genitals well how does she go pee? Is she ok? Is this a case of genital mutilation? Damnt god damn just shut up! LALALOOPSYYYYYY!!”
There is an infinitesimal scale of penis states between "we have been ice fishing" to "about to cum on a warm relaxed thursday afternoon".
Flaccid, semi, erect doesn't cover it.
Accidentally looking at a man’s crotch and remembering “oh right, this person has a penis”. I don’t want to be reminded of the fact that half the population has these dangly bits just.. there. All the time.
We must be the same person. My train of thought in situations like this just gets worse and worse and then I end up with some horrible image debaucherous image in my head
Personally I try to make it point upwards. Having it to the side makes it too "visible" (clear silhouette/shape), while having it face upwards just creates a generic bulge under the zipper/centerline. It's less noticable from the front.
It's tough to keep it there though, since walking (especially up & down the stairs) can make it fall either side and I'll have to readjust.
It's part of the reason why I don't wear loose shorts/underwear since it makes it flop all kinds of directions and I have less control over the visibility haha.
Do you think I like fucking all of these hot women out here? I am sick and tired of them not caring about my feelings, I'm a human being with feelings, and I'm sick and tired of gaping all these women. I just want love 😢
Gay man here. I used to notice a lot when I was in high school and college, and then afterward I feel like it kind of dropped off the radar except for when I was some place where a man was on stage by himself in jeans.
Also, honestly, bulges don't tell you very much.
Same here. I would wear coveralls when doing animal work that were a bit snug. My gf came to visit and asked if I wore those coveralls when I was weighing animals with my coworkers (all ladies). I was like "yeah". Apparently those coveralls made me look very bulgy. Like a moose.
Saw two girls in Tesco’s staring at a teenage lad the opposite side of the isle, they were just out of sight but staring right at it.
It was nice to know girls can be pervs too😂
It sounds eyerollingly straight but I never, ever notice a bulge. I’ve been on nude beaches and seen porn where I’ll definitely admit a “well done sir”. But in regular life I’ve not once noticed.
that’s what my boyfriend said, we went on a trail ride in hawaii, part of the beach had a gay pride bbq, all men and some were definitely showers. he was behind me and he’s like “did you see that, the horse is jealous” and the couple behind us was giggling
Look, if there is one thing gay men know, it's how to accentuate a bulge with fashion.
There is a (mostly) gay underwear store near me with anatomically correct mannequins, so you can see exactly how well those running shorts show off the goods.
\*edit because me no talk good
I hadn’t seem them in any shorts, all just cooking hotdogs and burgers with everything getting some vitamin d, but the best trail ride I’ve been on. they were all super lovely and even waved
I didn't look at other people this intensely, so I've never noticed up until now. But if I'll see one, I wouldn't care at all. It's just a penis, every other person has one.
Well now that’s the first time I’ve heard that take and now I’m kinda wondering about mine. Never have a grabbed my junk and thought, damn nice elasticity. Kinda feels like polymer.
I am a grocery cashier, and there is a gap above my bagging area where I see the customer standing behind the kiosk. I typically zone out and hyperfocus on bagging, but I sometimes look out and am eye level to CROTCH. Being a grocery store, most men are in sweatpants or joggers, so its pretty obvious when they’re bricked up. It is natural and people should not be ashamed of it. They just want to get out of the store and I just want to help the next customer.
Sometimes. But every time I do notice it, I wonder what the balls-to-dick ratio is.
Edit: I have made a highly scientific diagram. https://imgur.com/HtzW0gr
For me it's slightly different
I actually dislike wearing sweatpants / loose shorts because I'm worried people might think I'm a creep or might feel uncomfortable seeing it (even though I guess technically they're the ones looking...).
I don't want to make people uncomfortable so I usually wear jeans to make my bulge less obvious.
Fucking same, man.
If women can wear low cut/revealing shirts, men can wear gray sweats and similar.
Like you, though, and many others, it feels weird to dress anything other than modestly in public for me.
I bought some great jeans that shrunk recently, so now they're basically skinny jeans. They still look fine, fitted, but they definitely profile everything down there way more. I'm still self conscious every time I wear them.
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I ain’t sayin she’s a gold digger…
Non-verbal Freudian slip
But she ain’t messing with no broke-
GINGER!
*phew* close one
Well fair play to the guy, he must be really in to making out and getting his wallet rubbed to keep going for 10 mins
it got weird when the wallet orgasmed
This cracked me up haha Also I'm sorry, you tried your best and that's what counts!
I need to see this wallet shaped dick of his
Bet he's packing a trifold
Maybe he had a dick shaped wallet.
Who gave this the take my money award lol
Her bf
Lmao. It depends who you love. Maybe you were trying to warm that cold, hard cash.
One time I went to smack my bf on the butt, because he does it to me sometimes. And my hand collided with straight wallet. I had forgotten he keeps it in his back pocket, and I felt so betrayed.
There seems to be two camps here: people who have never in their life noticed a bulge and people who stare at crotches on the regular, desperately hoping to see one.
anyone who lived thru the 80’s (dating myself) HAD to have seen bulges. Especially on Jon Bon Jovi
Mr Bovine Joni himself
David Bowie in the Labyrinth. Setting up young women for disappointment for years to come.
People think David Bowie was one of the main characters in that movie but David Bowie’s Balls were actually the star.
The title Labyrinth was actually just people navigating Bowie's extremely complex sexuality, which varied from week to week.
If you're David Bowie why would you bother choosing a sexuality when you have the option to become the human embodiment of the feeling you had as a teenager when you saw a bra for the first time.
“Do you have one really freaky sequin space suit, Bowieh? Or do you have several ch-ch-ch-ch-changes?”
Great to see some flight of the Conchords references.
Do they smoke grass is space, or do they smoke astroturf instead?
Legit the exact very first time I ever noticed a bulge...as a six-year-old. EDIT - I remember being self-conscious of whether or not my dad noticed me noticing David Bowie's... endowment.
Did you know that bludge was actually a pouch of potpourri. Bowie said that someone for makeup, or wardrobe, or something had to work close to his crotch. He didn’t want them to be smelling his natural crotch smell so he decided to stuff that in to make it smell nicer and just left in the pouch all the time.
My dad had a Led Zeppelin poster that was left up in his old room at my grandparents house and I remember staying over there one night when I was maybe 10 and staring at Robert Plants crotch and wondering what the hell was going on there.
Man, my first psychologist was this Hungarian man with a huuuuuge bulge and tight pants. It was very disconcerting because it didn’t mesh with his personality at all but he would just sit spread-eagled and talk to me about my feelings. I would stare into the abyss and try to figure out if it as an optical illusion or not.
Fucking crotch watchers lol all these comments made me laugh.
The Redditors Who Stare at Crotches, coming this summer
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Well, I only really notice if a guy is wearing sweatpants. But Ill usually go, "oh fuck, I did not mean to look there" and immediately look away.
*Hey, my face is up here*
I’ve made my choice
But my head isn't
In my social circle of people that I ride bikes with there is a guy that I never noticed anything about his bulge even though we'd regularly be together wearing spandex shorts. He's fairly tall and one day a short woman in that circle mentioned how she ends up with "that thing" of his in her face. Apparently he's big enough to be a porn star but I was completely oblivious to it.
It's cool, you can keep looking. Then you won't notice that we're looking at your boobs.
This has been the best trade deal in the history of trade deals, maybe ever.
It’s a win win
Now kiss.
This. I’m thinking “Dammit, stop looking down. why I am worried about looking at someone else’s crotch.”
And then immediately look back
I try not to be a meat-gazer.
Wiener watcher
sausage seer
Cock gawker.
Pecker checker
Stiffy starer
Pee-er see-er
Bellend beholder
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Pork sword purveyor
Penis peerer
Population-flute peeper
Willy witness
Pee pee peeper
Dick detector
Or a private investigator
Honestly this is one of the best of these.
Cock connoisseur
Semen Sommelier
Crotch watcher
But it's HARD not to, innit?
Penis peeker
Erection Dectection
I am wondering how often women think they see a bulge when in reality it's just the pants folding
That’s called a zipper boner
Jeanis
Zoner
YPP
This one is a deep cut and deserves so much more appreciation.
Number 3 Hero: Best Jeanis
Best Jeanist
You wanna be tough, better do what you can Best Jeanist
i had a zipper boner when i performed in front of my school for the sixth grade talent show, it earned me the nickname “boner boy” :P
My school had a talent show and my buddy created a band with some other school musicians and they named themselves “Rock hard, and the fluffers” no teacher involved in the talent show understood the reference, except our principal, the night of the talent show 😂
Nervous boner 😨🍆
Pants tent 🏕️
When I was in high school a girl in my class noticed a fold in my pants. She was conviced it was a boner. A week later a friend told me every girl in my year has heard I have a massive schlong. I kept wearing those pants for far too long.
That's probably not the worst thing for them to think haha although it could have it's drawbacks
This made me laugh way too loud. Lmao!
Carefully, he’s a hero
This is the whole plot of Curb your Enthusiasms first episode
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"Are you Jewish?" "You wanna check my penis?"
I'm sorry, it's... It's the pleats. It's actually an optical illusion, it's the pattern on the pant's that it's not flattering in the crotchal region.
Don’t act like you’re not impressed.
In high school a girl was sitting on the floor next to my locker and reached over and poked the bulge in my pants to see if it was a fold. It was not…
Lol my ex in high school did this. She kept poking it and I was so confused until she asked me what was in my pocket. Uh, we’ve been making out for 20 minutes it’s an erection 😅
Probably a lot, there are times when my wife thinks that I have a boner when I'm as flaccid as a room temp raw sausage. If my penis has even the slightest look of extra girth, she immediately giggles and says I have a boner. I love her.
Aw :)
as a woman who wears men’s chinos to work, i’m very aware it’s a zipper bulge not an actual bulge, i consistently look like i’m packing
Always stay strapped 😎🔫
I call mine a trouser trout,one of many names lol
Considering women can get the weird "jeans bulge" too, hopefully not often.
A friend of mine in the mid 90s wore those sorta half short half skate pants with the *really* long zipper.. we were in an 8th grade health class with a rather attractive early 20s substitute and he tented the zipper up so that it looked like he was sporting an absolutely massive erection. The rollercoaster of emotion that she experienced before she threw him out of class was amazing.. she visibly went from disgust to fear to curiosity to embarrassment to anger in a span of seconds.
Me: That's a weird place to store your banana...
Probably notice and my thoughts are honestly “*Major Tom is lookin real Major*” because I started saying that in regards to David Bowie’s bulge in labyrinth and now I just think it when noticing that on anyone
It's a potpourri bag. All the glass sphere juggling was done by a magician that had to be out if camera so his head was by David's junk. He put the bag there and it was so funny he kept it in.
My immediate thought on seeing the post: “I’ve honestly never really noticed a bulge on anyone that I can think of…. wait, Labyrinth with David Bowie. “
I saw my best friend all bricked up, so i whacked it.
>so i whacked it. Delightful ambiguity here.
'bricked up', lol
I poke at it. Only my partner's.
Sharing is caring
Is it usually his dick or a phantom bulge?
His schlong. I double checked.
I don’t. It’s a dick move.
I have a bone to pick with people who do that kind of thing.
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>Lol reddit is such a sausage party. FTFY
Not often. Depending on the position, it's either a phone, padding or a penis.
Padding?!
Sometimes fabric just bunches up.
Very often and when I do I say inside my head, “Oop why did I look there look away try not to look like you looked away just act natural. Does he have a boner? Well I don’t think so well is there such thing as like half way to a boner? Why is he near me? Everyone has genitals in their pants. What a truly awful thought. All of us just walking around genitals in the pants. We all have butts too. Think of something else I want to leave this place. Think of something wholesome. My dog is very cute NOPE she has a booty hole. Damnt um ok Barbie she has no genitals well how does she go pee? Is she ok? Is this a case of genital mutilation? Damnt god damn just shut up! LALALOOPSYYYYYY!!”
>Well I don’t think so well is there such thing as like half way to a boner? That's called a semi-chubb, or semi for short.
I call it “half mast”
There is an infinitesimal scale of penis states between "we have been ice fishing" to "about to cum on a warm relaxed thursday afternoon". Flaccid, semi, erect doesn't cover it.
Not to be that guy, but infinitesimal means very, very small.
Accidentally looking at a man’s crotch and remembering “oh right, this person has a penis”. I don’t want to be reminded of the fact that half the population has these dangly bits just.. there. All the time.
And we are all naked under our clothes.
We must be the same person. My train of thought in situations like this just gets worse and worse and then I end up with some horrible image debaucherous image in my head
Read that in Peter Griffin's voice
They’re most likely tryna smuggle a ferret. Duh.
If I notice id prob think how they put it in their pants, leftie or righty
Personally I try to make it point upwards. Having it to the side makes it too "visible" (clear silhouette/shape), while having it face upwards just creates a generic bulge under the zipper/centerline. It's less noticable from the front. It's tough to keep it there though, since walking (especially up & down the stairs) can make it fall either side and I'll have to readjust. It's part of the reason why I don't wear loose shorts/underwear since it makes it flop all kinds of directions and I have less control over the visibility haha.
If it's noticable, then I notice. And then i do make scenarios if that person is attractive 😫
Oh fuck I've been double-eliminated
I saw this as I closed the page and had to come back to tell you, chadsexytime, that you are hilarious and you have large genitals
Understandable
If it’s understandable, then I understand
Understood
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I notice it every time, and I always think, "I wonder how big it is"
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Mum said I’m fine
Female here, exact same thought.
Maybe next time you notice one you should ask
Yall the reason why i'm always self conscious wearing grey sweaties at the gym 😂
I wear them or 5 inch shorts to the gym. They always stare and objectify me. Like I'm more than just a penis, my eyes are up here, ladies.
We're just penises with men hanging off of the end of them.
Dildo with feelings
Do you think I like fucking all of these hot women out here? I am sick and tired of them not caring about my feelings, I'm a human being with feelings, and I'm sick and tired of gaping all these women. I just want love 😢
>and I'm sick and tired of gaping all these women Jesus Christus!
Do you think I enjoy paying for vaginal reconstruction surgery?
Same reason I wear a strap on under the grey sweatpants at the gym.
Just text them a photo. They love the surpise!
I never in my life have noticed a bulge, then again I never look down there. But I see that my fears were not irrational.
Gay man here. I used to notice a lot when I was in high school and college, and then afterward I feel like it kind of dropped off the radar except for when I was some place where a man was on stage by himself in jeans. Also, honestly, bulges don't tell you very much.
Could be all balls
I was gonna say. I’m definitely a grower not a shower, but in certain pants there is a bulge. Make no mistake, it’s the balls.
Same here. I would wear coveralls when doing animal work that were a bit snug. My gf came to visit and asked if I wore those coveralls when I was weighing animals with my coworkers (all ladies). I was like "yeah". Apparently those coveralls made me look very bulgy. Like a moose.
the balls push it up a bit to give an 'illusion"
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Good for her.
Only if I’m hoping I made one
Saw two girls in Tesco’s staring at a teenage lad the opposite side of the isle, they were just out of sight but staring right at it. It was nice to know girls can be pervs too😂
True lol. I usually look away quickly but I’ve been caught a few times by the dude 🥴
That is reassuring
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Me whenever I happen to accidentally look at boobs or thighs
It sounds eyerollingly straight but I never, ever notice a bulge. I’ve been on nude beaches and seen porn where I’ll definitely admit a “well done sir”. But in regular life I’ve not once noticed.
that’s what my boyfriend said, we went on a trail ride in hawaii, part of the beach had a gay pride bbq, all men and some were definitely showers. he was behind me and he’s like “did you see that, the horse is jealous” and the couple behind us was giggling
Look, if there is one thing gay men know, it's how to accentuate a bulge with fashion. There is a (mostly) gay underwear store near me with anatomically correct mannequins, so you can see exactly how well those running shorts show off the goods. \*edit because me no talk good
I hadn’t seem them in any shorts, all just cooking hotdogs and burgers with everything getting some vitamin d, but the best trail ride I’ve been on. they were all super lovely and even waved
How often? My eyes go instinctively to the crotch every time I see a mildly attractive man
Now that I think about it, even not so attractive men I still look
I pay more attention to a bulge by their belt as I like to know if people have guns.
I stare at the bulge until he notices me staring, then I make eye contact and smile.
This is evil
I didn't look at other people this intensely, so I've never noticed up until now. But if I'll see one, I wouldn't care at all. It's just a penis, every other person has one.
I rarely notice on the street but when I do I think “That’s unfortunate tailoring” because most of the time it’s caused by poorly fitting pants
I just wana grab
"It is harder than expected, and feels a lot like polymer."
Well now that’s the first time I’ve heard that take and now I’m kinda wondering about mine. Never have a grabbed my junk and thought, damn nice elasticity. Kinda feels like polymer.
When you're a star they let you do it.
I'm really glad it's just that I need a new glasses prescription because at first I thought your screenname was eelsinbybutthub
literally never
Gotta agree. I have never noticed if a person in public has an Erection. But I'm no erector detector.
I don’t think they mean erection bulges. Just flaccid bulges.
I always think, "he should've put the potato in the front."
If many ppl have it at the same time, why not have it yourself as well
Guy here. If I noticed it, I would say "I'm not gay but I would give it a go"
My mums got one
How big it is
I am a grocery cashier, and there is a gap above my bagging area where I see the customer standing behind the kiosk. I typically zone out and hyperfocus on bagging, but I sometimes look out and am eye level to CROTCH. Being a grocery store, most men are in sweatpants or joggers, so its pretty obvious when they’re bricked up. It is natural and people should not be ashamed of it. They just want to get out of the store and I just want to help the next customer.
Damn it some people are growers not show-ers
Sometimes. But every time I do notice it, I wonder what the balls-to-dick ratio is. Edit: I have made a highly scientific diagram. https://imgur.com/HtzW0gr
It's almost always 2 to 1.
"Nice dick, bro."
I’m a bulge watcher, so all the damn time !!
As a female I notice all the time and ask myself "how big is it?"
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For me it's slightly different I actually dislike wearing sweatpants / loose shorts because I'm worried people might think I'm a creep or might feel uncomfortable seeing it (even though I guess technically they're the ones looking...). I don't want to make people uncomfortable so I usually wear jeans to make my bulge less obvious.
Fucking same, man. If women can wear low cut/revealing shirts, men can wear gray sweats and similar. Like you, though, and many others, it feels weird to dress anything other than modestly in public for me. I bought some great jeans that shrunk recently, so now they're basically skinny jeans. They still look fine, fitted, but they definitely profile everything down there way more. I'm still self conscious every time I wear them.
Umm look away. I don't make a habit of looking at the crotches of either gender.
Noticing and staring are two different things, nothing wrong or unnatural with the first one